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October 1st

If you have been a long time visitor to my website you will have noticed that there are fewer entries in my blog than there once were. Recently my life seems to be increasingly more difficult due to not only OCD but also to the other conditions from which I suffer. More frequently it appears as though every endeavour is a huge task and day to day life as taken on a new and more complex dimension of difficulties. Just the simple effort of getting out of bed seems a huge task despite the aches and pains and the torment of OCD which once drove me from my bed early in the mornings . Yes somehow I eventually struggle from my bed and at most times it is still relatively early, at least in comparison to most people.

This morning I woke at 4.20, this time last year I would get up straight the way fearing that if I dozed off I would wake with a severe headache, which can and does happen more often than not if I return to sleep, but just lately even this threat is an insufficient motivation to get me out of bed. Of course 4.20 is ridiculously early but this is not the point at all. The point is that depression and lack of motivation are becoming increasing more of a problem than they once where, even though to a great extent I have have to contend with these negative emotions and have had to do so for as long as I can recall. But just recently these emotions or feelings have overridden the other considerations that got me up and going each morning. Incidentally is depression an emotion, very worrying of late that I am finding it difficult to find the correct word for what I am trying to say. This of course adds to the difficulties I have, particularly concerning this website and this is also adds to the mix of reasons behind my motivational problems. Now I am obsessing about how I have explained the concept above. Is this writers block? or something else more worrying, not that writers block is a trivial matter of course for a writer. However I m not a professional writer and not a writer at all if I don't make some sort of stand against this apathy and confused thinking which impedes my ability to ...well do much of anything of late. 

Of course anxiety can really interfere with our thinking and cognitive processes and it all becomes rather a vicious cycle, as of course a downward turn in ones ability to think clearly in the way I have described leads to anxiety, stress and depression, which of course further saps motivation and leads to a further decrease in ones cognitive processes .

I have become a little discouraged with my website as I have done with most other things I try to do within the remit of my somewhat limited and difficult life.  Everything  I try to do takes longer, life presents with so many problems, some of these problems  I recognise are taken out of context and exaggerated to an enormous degree, and this of course is the nature of OCD and the other anxiety disorders from which I suffer. However notwithstanding the whys and wherefores such problems interfere with my life, are depressing, anxiety provoking and energy sapping .  

Recently the anxiety, not to mention seething anger, over the extortionate and thoroughly unethical price rises of utilities has caused some problems and OCD type behaviours, and attempts to reduce the use of gas and electricity have in themselves become a challenge and in some ways rather
obsessive-compulsive. For instance I am beset by the thought and plagued with indecision should I turn the light on in the sitting room, but if I leave the stair light on it will light both the sitting room and the stairs but going through to the kitchen I leave the sitting room light on, this will give light, albeit not much, to all three places, the sitting room, kitchen and stairs. If I get confused and leave all three lights on I become stressed, obsess and ruminate. Of course to add to the dilemma, if I leave the stair door open all the heat, that is when I dare turn on the heat, goes up the stairs as there is no radiator on the stairs.  It does not sound like much of a problem in the great scheme of things but this is just one example of many throughout the day of a similar nature. And although this is not OCD as such, and to some extent most people have to now be more careful of how they use electricity and gas, if I get confused and leave too many lights on I become stressed and than this type of thinking nonetheless does follow an OCD pattern.  It all adds up to exhausting the mind and plain and simply adding a new dimension of misery.

Moreover I am  seething with anger that greed and profiteering has been allowed to run rampant, particularly in the case of huge price hikes in utility charges which are incidentally set to increase by a further 20 per cent in the next four months, and that everyone calmly accepts this great social injustice. I think it is an absolute outrage that the present government has allowed this to happen, the labour party are a disgrace to the socialist ideals that they once had. This winter will be a nightmare of misery for many of us who are sick and or are on a low income.  And do not forget that a low income does not necessary mean those who are not able to work either; no indeed not, as many on the pitiful basic minim wage will feel significant hardship also.  Many elderly people will die of the cold, it is such an outrage to be treated so shamefully after many have worked their entire lives. People deserve better, some comfort and peace of mind in your autumn and winter years, not misery, fear and insecurity. There are grants available, but only for an improvement in insulation that kind of thing, although for the over sixties there is the annual heating allowance which was allocated long before the present price increase and will now be inadequate.

It is high time all public services where nationalised again , the present situation is intolerable, the rising tide of capitalist greed disgusts me, how much money do people want. I bet the main share holders of these greedy utility companies are not  shivering in the shower too anxious to turn on the heating as will be the case for me in an hour or two.  Or to have to go out and roam the streets or sit on the bus all day which is what a number of elderly people do who have a free bus pass to save energy. What a way to live out the last years of your life!

Life is difficult enough when you are depressed but cold and damp accentuates your difficulties. And of course people with severe physical illnesses will experience even worse misery. Don't they have any conscience these parasitic money grabbers? Apparently not. Pity more of them do not have OCD scrupulosity. OCD scrupulosity might be very exaggerated and make your life a misery but never ever ever ever be ashamed that you are scrupulous, a trait of character now so rare.

Greed is destroying the world, the greed of the few at the expensive of the many. My parents in the sixties when utilities where state owned complained when the gas bill arrived but people do don't they, it is natural,  but there was never the fear that they could not pay their bill, there was never anxiety about turning on the heating , prices did not rise in astronomical increments. I never heard of any one being disconnected ever and I lived in a fairly poor neighbourhood.

You are advised to look for better deals, to do comparisons. But its a nightmare, time consuming and complex. The system is so complicated that many including myself simply do not have the wherewithal to sort it all out, to find the so called best deals which in reality do not in any case exist. There are grants if you would like to have solar heating, but the process is again complicated and requires you have certain other provisions in place, such as loft insulation.  Moreover before you can apply for a grant you have to get planning permission from the council which I think requires a fee; find some one to do the work, and  that is no easy matter, and than at the end of the day find you may well get turned down for a grant, which in any case most likely will no where meet the entire cost.

I am so angry about the whole situation, the greed and corruption , the also fo compassion and basic humane decency that prevails in he world today. While the minority of the world's people live in luxury the vast majority die from what of a meal, clean water and medication. Such makes my lament concerning utilities seeming insignificant but it is still social injustice nonetheless even though compared to others it is less significant. I am angry about my own personal misery, the misery of the entire world and the rampant injustice to both man, animal and the entire spectrum of nature. Researching for my animal welfare website I am filled with such sadness concerning the dreadful things humans do to our fellow creatures who have as much right happiness as do we, who are not here to provide people with beef burgers, lamb chops or whatever but are thinking, feelings beings. You would be appalled at the cruelty that happens to animals on a daily basis, day in and day out.

Anger though is becoming a huge problem. In recent years I am so angry lately with almost everyone and last night I was ruminating over events which occurred over thirty years ago and my anger burned even more than it did at the time these events occurred. At one point I considered giving the people involved a piece of my mind despite the length of time which has passed. I think anger breeds anger and I feel that I am not as nice a person as I once was as now other than depression, anxiety and constant feelings of stress, anger is my main emotion which seethes underneath, below the surface.  I am forever angry, it smoulders, simmers and sometimes erupts like Mount Vesuvius and often it is only OCD scrupulosity and the fear of causing  harm and the consequence of the after math of guilt, which is often unjustified and results from OCD, which prevents the volatility of my pent up anger from exploding .

I am sick of social injustice, the unbridled greed of many corporations and other self serving corrupt individuals who bring misery and suffering to every creature, and I mean every creature. The exploitation of not only one another and virtually very resource on the planet but also of other creatures makes me angry, sad and depressed and often I despair that there is any goodness, compassion, caring or plain consideration left in the world. I know this does not apply to every one.  I say that but do I believe that? I write "I know this does not apply to every one" because I feel this is the rational thing to say but sometimes it really feels as though it is everyone, at least to some degree. It does seem that for the most part no one cares about anyone, or any creature or any thing save for the acquisition of wealth and material possessions at any cost, to mankind, other creatures with whom we share this planet and the planet itself. Did you know that every second one and a half acres of rain forest is destroyed? Shocking!.

No one seems to care but perhaps they are too weary to care, bogged down by rising prices, the need to work longer hours for poor wages, fear of loosing their homes, their livelihoods despite the inadequate recompense that the majority see for their labours while others accrue huge wages, massive bonuses. Indeed perhaps few have the energy to care and moreover we can feel so impotent, unable to bring about a change for a better world for oursleves, other generations and other creatures.

In a more personal way, and of course in comparison a far less significant way, I can't recall anyone asking how I am since... well... if feels like never. People it seems lack compassion, are self centred, self serving. The few people I talk too never ever ask any questions about me or my family and talk about themselves . This is probably one of the reasons that social interaction for me has become a bigger problem than it once was. It was never easy but now it seems impossible and I dread conversing with anyone. Most times after a "conversation" I get a headache from the frustration as a result of the lack of other people's social skills, which are accepted as normal. Furthermore  I feel I can trust no one. We can't even find a reputable trades person to look at our roof and give a fair estimate,  any estimate. I don't trust anyone anymore and utterly dread it if we have to find someone to do a job and unless it is vital, an emergency or danger and we leave such jobs undone. It looks like another winter with a leak in the roof because of such mistrust which is, incidentally, justified.

End of rant, well it gives my family some peace from the volatile verbal  explosions. There is so much which is utterly despicable and grossly unethical going on in the world which increases my anger daily. Anger which is justifiable and although unpleasant is better than the disgusting sickening apathy which is prevalent everywhere.  Since coming back from holiday we went for a few weeks not turning on the TV for the news but it was still heard to escape it as our ISP always flashes on the screen the lasts news.

Back to OCD but of course all such experiences throughout the day are relevant as of course OCD is pervasive,  it interweaves like an intricate web with in your life and every thought and activity will eventually have within it some facet of OCD. I have the feeling that such pervasive anger and the ruminative process which ignite it are the result of OCD, the analytical  mind set, the tendency to be more aware of negative events as opposed positive.

The rituals of OCD eat into your time in ways, such as getting dressed in the mornings, which is not an easy matter; showering and changing cloths involve many OCD rituals all of  which I have explained in some detail in my blog and in my memoir. Going to the doctor's for instance is a very difficult task for me and which takes some preparation the day before, such as washing specific cloths. This can be a significant ritual with cleaning the sink as I can't use the washing machine as I need to wash these garments separately, so it's quite a performance and beset with all sorts of anxieties. For instance today I hang out my cloths and there is a revolting smell of manure in the air, most likely from a local farm. I feel anxious that hanging my cloths out will contaminate them as a result of this smell and I will have to wash them again. In addition the thinking and mentally planning of such OCD behaviours takes your time and energy and is of course a distraction from normal day to day living. And this is but one of many similar rituals both mental and physical.

Pure O rituals, OCD behaviours that take place in the mind, are not noticed by others, to the observer they do not appear to eat into your time. However in a very real way they do because such obsessions and mental compulsions often prevent you from thinking about other more positive things which of course would lead to taking more positive actions. Whilst involved in pure O thinking there is no room for other mental processes such as preparing mentally inclusions for my website as I do of course whenever I can and whenever new ideas present, despite pure O intrusions. The mind is capable of thinking of only one thing at one time and the more the mind is crowded out with negative thoughts, OCD intrusions and mental rituals and ruminations, there is less room for more positive considerations. Frustrating  and worrying ruminations which play over and over again like a loop tape interfere with your life, make you feel depressed and hopeless and it is an increasing struggle of late to carry on regardless even though I know that  being occupied with this or my other website in the making will provide a respite from the torment... if only I could get past the thoughts and lack of motivation and the resulting scrambling of my cognitive processes. If only I can set aside the torment and go forward despite these awful feelings of apathy.

October 2nd

Looking back over that entry it does seem incongruous does it not, anger and apathy don't mix do they. Anger despite the negativity of this emotion, or rather what we are told is negative emotion is nonetheless a more positive emotion than apathy. Anger does not always lead to negative action but apathy always leads to negative inaction. Anger can motivate you to take action, positive action, anger need not necessarily result in negative action. My anger over the atrocity committed on animals has motivated me to create a website which will focus on this topic. This I hope will help even if only in some small way to highlight the plight of in particular farm animals. At the same time it helps me feel as though I have a say, however small and that I can take some positive action in this way as other actions are not really feasible becasue of my disabilities. Both this new website and this one about OCD help me to make a statement, one to hopefully increase public awareness  about OCD the other to increase public awareness regarding the appalling cruelty inflicted on farm animals. I  feel as though I have some say, some part in bringing about a change in the world albeit small.

Yes apathy and anger can exist in the same person although not of course at the same time; unfortunately outbursts of anger and frantic action can soon be replaced by apathy.

So there you have it anger and apathy can coexist within the same person and can change from one to the other in the blinking of an eye, at least that is my experience. We all have a duel nature do we not, after all OCD presents as a duality, goes again who we really are while becoming intrinsically a very pervasive part of who we are.

October 5th

Today it is as though summer has returned, the sky is brilliant blue the sun is warm. So why do I feel so annoyed, irritated? There is no pleasing some people as the saying goes. Yes it was great to see such a glorious day after the dull cold chill of Saturday. But I had hoped for a rest today and though I lament the passing of summer, as I always do when autumn and winter approach , I also feel some relief . Although I have not mentioned many of our trips out here on my blog as I have done other years or included many photos we have been out and about quite a bit, although now it all seems rather like the remnants of a dream, particualry our holiday. Even though I like to try and live as normal a life as is possible it can be difficult for me to go out, not only as a result of my OCD but also because of my headaches and IBS, which was quite a detriment this year. OCD fears often make it a huge struggle to venture out at all and most if not all times it is a battle with my mind to get out of the door and make the journey. In fact to put it  bluntly some days out have been a bloody nightmare for one reason or another. I enjoy the magnificent  scenery in our locality and we have occasionally gone further a field and visited Scotland and the Lake district, and the magnificent scenery is uplifting even with the detraction of my conditions. But by September I do get very weary and see, and even in some way look forward to, the approach of winter, even with our damp house problems made worse by the  rising price of heating, as a time to slow down a bit and for me to feel less guilty if I am too ill to go anywhere.

We still go out of course but not as far now or as often. Particularly on Sunday I like to stay home even though to be honest inactivity can increase my depression .

Yesterday in particular after a stressful week I hoped to really veg out today, on Sunday. But on such a glorious sun soaked day, most likely the last with any real warmth until next spring, it seemed like a crime to stay in. But none of us are any good at spontaneity and could not think where to go, or even if we really wanted to go out, and besides I don't care for the crowds on Sundays. We could sit in the garden but the neighbour next door was doing something to his roof.  We live in  row of terrace houses right on the end, our garden is small but it is normally secluded however with him standing on the roof we felt really uncomfortable and there would be social interaction and as a consequence I just couldn't sit out there. I was extremely annoyed. Unreasonable? Yes of course, I know my attitude and my feelings are unreasonable, irrational. I do realise this but this does nothing to rid me of the feelings of anger and angst despite such insight into the inappropriateness of such feelings.

It was too late to go very far as of course we were not prepared to do so and going out requires some preparation and spontaneity. We went to the local  pub, sat outside for a while and had a drink but it was stressful, it was really a nightmare of anxiety. Someone had a dog , he was on a lead but I was anxious nonetheless. Going into the pub to get the drinks my hackles are raised as the saying goes, every time anyone opened the door my heart was in my mouth , my stomach crunched into a knot of anxiety should someone enter with a dog. A pervasive type of anxiety is always present at the best of times but in public places such as this it is more significant. The inevitable racket, a cacophony of the usual grating poorly song  music at too high a volume in the background along with the babble of conversation and the usual noises that accrue when large groups of people congregate increases my anxiety, my whole body is tense . Crowds make me anxious and the bar, which was empty when we walked in, quickly filled up before we could get our drinks and go outside. Having to return inside to use the toilet as I invariably have to despite my OCD which makes this an added ordeal is really an anxiety provoking trip People everywhere, I feel as though I can't avoid them, it is as though I find it difficult to thread my way through the crowds, as though I can't coordinate my way through in the way others seem o do tih more ease. Music blaring its hell. I am relieved to get home but  feel depressed as though we should be out and  about all day enjoying the remnants of summer.

October 8th

Now today I am faced with the laborious task of linking all the pages of my blog to this new page which is something I have to do every month. There is a less time consuming way of course of updating all the pages at one time, but this would require I reformat the entire blog and I simply do not have the energy and the wherewithal to do so even though in the long run it would be a better and more efficient way of updating. I had hoped by now to have signed up for a blog such as Word Press but I simply have not got round to doing so as again such requires some significant preparation, organisation and clear thinking which right now seems beyond me.

However with all tasks which appear overwhelming - even tasks which others do not see in the same perspective as tasks of Herculean proportion as do we who are depressed or anxious - is to perhaps take one small step at a time. For instance in the case of signing up to Word Press, the first step would be to locate the website and book mark it. The next day to read all the bumph, the rules and regulations which when you are
obsessive-compulsive may take some time to read and you may obsesses over each criterion, which many people would skip and simply click the agree button. Therefore some of these steps may not appear as easy for those of us who are chronic worriers, riddled with anxiety about every decision both great and small. Such is sadly the nature of the OCD beast and indeed within the entire range of anxiety disorders there exists to some degree the tendency to overly worry and be indecisive. You therefore have to be patient with yourself at such times and unless you are trying to make an effort to confront such behaviours they will have to run their course, which eventually they do of course. If it was otherwise this website would not exist. The following day sign up. The next day publish an entry and so on. This is just one example but the principle is the same with any task which seems daunting or which you seem unable to get your head round, as when you are anxious your thinking processes seem to work less well.

For any task it is helpful to break it down into sections to be completed at separate intervals, at least if you make a start you feel you have accomplished something.

I have not done any drawing in ages and can't seem to get my mind organised to begin once again to take up this activity. I used to draw with pen and ink and also in coloured pencil but have not done so in so very long. The long summer evenings are on the decline and as a result the best time of the year for art work has gone yet again, lost due to the inertia caused by depression, anxiety, stress and indecision, to mention just a few of the negative mental states which impede our ability to lead a normal satisfying and productive life. Again as with the previous example the best way forward is in increments, one step at a time. Concerning drawing the first step is to at least get out a sheet of paper, pen and pencils and lay them all out on the desk. Sounds simple right but you may be surprised just how difficult the first step can be as this is the one that requires the most motivation. Sometimes after taking the first step the others steps are much easier. In this case deciding what to draw can however be difficult as your ability to make any decision seems at times non existent. In this case I may copy something from a photograph, but which photograph of what subject. Indecision can be a big procrastinator and rather like reading the rules and conditions bumph in the first example this may result in some obsessive ruminative delay. However after a while of such misery and torment I simply have to choose a subject at random, anything! just to get started. Sometimes allocating a set period of time at a specific time of the day can help you to focus. Last winter my son and I made the commitment to paint or draw for one hour after our evening meal. It is amazing how much help this can be, but nonetheless you have to be persistent and sadly during the summer months we have let this lapse.

With writing the first step sometimes requires some determination and sometimes because of all the obsessive-compulsive behaviours involved I can actually dread having to write anything. My motivation at times can be so low that I do anything and everything to avoid writing but once I begin often it just flows as one thought leads to another, sometimes this can be so much so that this can be overwelming as I than cannot keep pace with the sudden influx of ideas.

Often with any task, even the mundane and boring, it is that all important first step. If the task is boring or stressful I find my mood becomes lower and I experience an increase in feelings of depression or even anger and irritation at merely the thought of having to do whatever the chore is. This happens during the preparation of food which can be a huge task due to all the contmaintion OCD rituals and anxieties, not to mention the mind numbing boredom of this chore, and my inability to organsie myself to complete, what these days presents as a complicated task, is significant even though I cook only relatively simple food.

October 15th

Today I have a shocking headache and feel really so demoralised. I wish I could come here and say something more positive.  I am considering taking an indefinite break, and not including much of anything for a while. It will make little difference to my ratings as they are virtually non existent except for my blog which does appear amongst a very few others in the first pages of a web search. I am concerned my website will really fall into obscurity in November when the old domain becomes inactive as few of those I link to have as yet to change their links to the new name. There is still a couple of weeks or so to go so I should not panic as yet. I do of course understand that most of these sites are run by people with OCD and as such this person may, rather like myself, not be feeling up to doing so, therefore this is not a compliant merely an observation.  But if few other website owners link to me, well few people will find my website which kind of negates my purpose in sitting here and writing all this.

I depend on the links from other websites for visitors. I regret changing the name now, I had not anticipated it would prove so difficult, but who knows in time the new name may improve ratings as it might appear higher in the search engine rankings with a name which specifically mentions OCD. Anyway I am catastrophizing here, I am sadly too weary to enquire into why of all the website owners I wrote to concerning the changes of my link, only three have replied and changed their links, for which I am indeed very grateful. On this one I am simply going to go with the flow and let whatever happens.

The only thing I am concerned about if I take a really long break is that I shall feel as though I have given in to my OCD yet again,  and not only my OCD but also the other conditions from which I suffer and it may feel that OCD has won again. For you see this is what invariably happens. I begin something new, most likely as a result of OCD's destruction of previous pursuits and endeavours. Everything goes alright for a time and my quality of mood improves to some degree as my attention is focused on a new project and distracts albeit only a little from existing chronic OCD behaviours and ruminations and general anxieties.  I am still bugged by headaches of course but those will come no matter what I do or don't do.  After a while though OCD rears its ugly head with additional and new ruminations and intrusive thoughts focused on the new endeavour,  such as with the website the endless anxiety about what I write with the equally endless round of checking over and over to the point of exhaustion. All of this increases my anxiety and depression and over time effects my ability to do anything. This is the reason why my OCD has become so pervasive, I have, over the years, collected new obsessions and compulsions as every time I have tried to do something different OCD presents obsessions and compulsions relevant to whatever it is I am attempting to do.

OCD has done this with every single facet of my life; even with a fairly minor activity, as soon as I commence OCD will bring forth an appropriate torment tailor made to fit whatever activity it is. For instance recently due to the increase in the smell of damp in my home and other odd smells, despite frantic cleaning, which are driving me crazy I have taken to lighting incense using a specially made charcoal. Some times this ignites the odd spark. This has set off a new compulsion and anxiety about the possibility of fire and even after the incense has burned down and no embers remain alight I worry the house may burn down. I worry about the odd spark that landed on the floor; even though it went out immediately I worry it may ignite again even hours afterwards. I am now anxious  to light incense if we are going out and check again and again and than still worry even though  the incense is not burning, and even worry that a spark that flew on the floor the night before will suddenly ignite.  I find the use of this incense very pleasant even though the room is filled with smoke and I am thinking about a report in recent years linking incense to cancer.  I imagine that eventually this obsession and compulsions will get increasingly stronger until in the end I have to give this up.

It is of course very important to take precautions when using incense and it is good idea to light it in an area that is not flammable, away from carpets and fabrics,  which I now do.  However you who have OCD know what it is like, the worry still exists no matter what precautions you take and still you check and check over and over and worry worry until finally you can stand it no longer and avoid any activity that precipitates your worries, obsession and compulsions and abandon whatever it is that has caused the new torment. Incidentally the use of incense results in more hand washing, anxious that it is toxic.

This happens so often and has happened most of my life even though I have fought against OCD so many times. Particularly concerning my fight with the torment concerning obsessive anxiety about a certain unlucky number which in particular interferes with my reading  and which I had hoped to make some stand against soon  Giving into OCD is never the answer but it is very powerful and not easy to withstand and the torment is exhausting even if you don't give in, particularly if you don't give in.

I need a rest from this particular torment concerning this website although I will persist with my new one even though of course some of the same problems represent there and I am experiencing great difficulty arranging and organising the content.

Anyway I will give it some thought. Perhaps just the occasional entry now and again may suffice as a break.  I hate to give into OCD or even have a break from this particular struggle or indeed any other struggle afraid that I am never going to return to whatever it is.

At the very least I will probably make fewer entries for a while.

On to something  a little more positive. Below are two photographs of rainbows taken on Friday during our trip to the Yorkshire dales near the village of Reeth. it was a day of wind, rain and sunshine, very warm for the time of year. The effects produced some lovely rainbows which lingered on and off all day. The pleasant day when even I experienced some enjoyment and uplift in my mood was sadly disturbed by the behaviour of those who think it is sport to shoot defences creatures, peasants or grouse I image. I could hear gunshot fire. Angry?  Most certainly  I cannot understand the mentality. To my mind the life of every creature is important, every creature has a right to his life. What kind of person enjoys taking the life of another creature, a person I would not want to associate with  I can tell you.

Hope you enjoy the photos sized as desk top wall paper. I hope to include them in the gallery in time but right now do not feel I have the necessary energy or motivation.

Before I sign off I would like to request that anyone who can take the following action to help bring about a ban by The European Union in the trade of seal products.

Please read the information below and consider taking the action requested before 20th October if you are able.

Stop the Seal Hunt

Included in the link above there is also a similar e-mail letter directed to José Manuel Barroso, the President of the European Commission also asking him to support a total ban on the trade in seal products.

Also please do Visit Kirks great new website:

Kirk Stacey Professional Artist | Cartoon & Caricaturist

October 21st

I have included a link in the useful links page on the main website to an interesting new website created by a mother who has Asperger syndrome and bipolar and who has also a son with Asperger Syndrome. A very informative website with clear information about what it is like to have AS and bipolar. The website offers a positive slant on AS:  

"I believe that Autism and it's spectrum is a gift to the world. I know that is a rather bold statement. I am a woman in her fifties diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome who has a B.A. in Psychology gotten in the late 1970's. I have raised my son who is also diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, although early on he was diagnosed with autism proper because of his early speech delay. I wish to discuss my thoughts and feelings about autism and bipolar of which I am also diagnosed with." Introduction to Autism in the Family - Home

Please visit Diane's website for some good insight into AS and bipolar.

October 22nd

Disjointed thoughts is a  poignant blog, a moving account of a mother's struggles with life, bipolar, OCD and a number of other conditions. A frequently updated blog it offers a glimpse into what it is like to suffer with mental health problems. Here is how the author describes herself :

"A 40-something married Mom who suffers from Bipolar II, chronic depression, OCD, and a host of other issues. This is my life."

Please take time to visit this blog. if anyone has a blog and which they would like me to include please e-mail me.

October 23rd

Had a Meltdown just now trying to update all the blog pages to show the new entries. I get really scared sometimes that I am simply not coping big time. I had to give up in some cases on muddled pages as I simply can't focus anymore. My son would say that no one will really notice these minor glitches or inconsistencies, but I know they are there and they drive me just crazy. A link to one of the blogs on my blog roll simply was not there even though I know for certain that I included a link, twice in fact when samething similar happened on a previous occasion when the link simply disappeared. Of course the idiosyncrasies of computers with their glitches have something to do with this sort of thing, but also it seems my brain simply does not seem to function as it should or as well as it once did and after a while I simply cannot think straight and become confused, angry, banging the table, shouting and raving despite having a splitting headache. My temper is so volatile of late, but life seems so difficult with all the illnesses I have to contend with along with all the prevailing misery that is everywhere right now. Life seems increasing more complex and everyday is a struggle to do even the simplest of things.

Anyway enough is enough for today, my headache is awful and I must leave it there. But I guess I needed to let you know that my blog list on right may be rather muddled on some pages, although as my son says you may not even notice except on the page which is blank and which I have for now abandoned as sadly there is little I can do about it for the moment and I have to let this particular torment go...at least for now.

October 26th

Many of you may think that the situation within our family is one of understanding .The sad truth of the matter is that although we know that each of us are suffering ,fear, anxiety and depression none of us really understand the complexities of these conditions as they effect each one of us as individuals. Neither my son nor my husband really understand what it is like to have OCD even though my son has mild OCD as a secondary condition to AS and depression. He understands my depression and problems concerning general anxieties, stress and not being able to cope with life in general, we are pretty much the same here so there is more understanding or empathy if you like. My husband is depressed but sadly doesn't accept or recognise that he is, and he can be so into his own world that he fails really to understand either my son's or my experiences with our respective conditions.

I think depression can manifest two ways, you can either become withdrawn and oblivious to any suffering except your own or you can become effected by the suffering of others, taking on theirs as well as your own, or transferring your own feelings to others. Although personally I think there is no such thing as real empathy, particualry in situations where you have never experienced what the other person or persons is or are going through.

This is most certainly the case with OCD. OCD is one of the loneliest conditions I can imagine. Moreover often it's lack of empathy, for want of a better word, not only on the part of non sufferers but even OCD sufferers often fail to understand the type or manifestation of a fellow sufferer if it is dissimilar to their own.

I have become exhausted by all my efforts to try and get people to understand the difficulties from which we suffer and other  than perhaps a few of the more sensitive sufferers and non sufferers few really know what it is life to be tormented by OCD every single day of your life, and at times in your dreams. No one really knows what it feels like to have every thought and action intruded upon by OCD, to have this tormenting condition intrude upon every facet of your life. No matter if you live with a person with OCD it still seems that no matter how much you talk about your condition or write it all down, and I have written more than most I would image have about my OCD, still few really understand what it is like to view life through the eyes of a person with these conditions day in and day out .

I get cranky nowadays, irate seething with profound irritation. Yesterday I asked my husband to put the tea towels and bath towels in the washing machine. I was simply too weary to do so. And besides I had got up early because someone was coming to look at our leaky roof and I had to make sure the house was in some sort of order by rearranging our clutter for it to look less conspicuous. Having showered and dressed into clean cloths  I could not sort out the dirty laundry otherwise I would feel contaminated again by doing so as no matter how careful I am some of the dirty clothing or the laundry basket comes into contact with my cloths. I always sort out the laundry before showering when I still have on my night cloths which I than discard in the laundry basket. So I asked him to do it as he was not yet showered and changed. It was a gloriously bright day with a stiff breeze, a great day for drying towels even though when we go out I don't like leaving the washing out in case it rains  but today my son is at home.  We were supposed to be going for a trip to the Yorkshire Dales to our favourite tea room for a last meal before they close down for the winter. 

I was rather stressed having to have our leaky roof checked for an estimate as we have had difficulty finding anyone to do this and  I am anxious about the social interaction, also having to ask someone to leave their shoes at the door. And the on going misery of this house also has made me cranky and depressed, it leaks like a sieve and while the chap was here John pointed out areas of concern that I had not known about previously and this has accentuated my  anxiety.  So to cut a long story short I am sooooo stressed and than to find my husband has mixed the tea towels with dirty cloths we have used to clean the floor I really explode. I do feel guilty but also angry. I know such anger is not rational as he too has his own problems and simply doesn't understand OCD although to be fair to myself I rather think most people would not be happy about washing tea towels, floor cloths and dusters in the same wash load.  My husband insists they are clean, he checked them they all look like cloths to him, all the same. He just doesn't understand that with OCD they are not all the same and no matter how much he or anyone tries to rationalise this it will make no difference I  cannot simply set aside my OCD thinking and be normal and rational . I can't  even manage to explain in a calm rational manner, I am weary of trying to explain OCD, I am human like everyone else and I loose my temper I do have a lot to put up with.

The point I am trying to make is that it can be a sad lonely life for people with these conditions even amongst those who suffer similarly. In fact with people who sufferer with the same or similar conditions it can at times be more difficult as each suffers with his or her own frightening version of reality, too weary contending with ones own demons to even try to understand the perspective of another.  In some ways I think to a great extent we are all alone with our fears and insecurities as no one really sees the world from the exact same perspective of another and empathy is really not a reality, although sympathy and compassion is and perhaps we should try and cultivate these virtues rather than try to understand where another person is coming from, to use a modern turn of phrase which I think is impossible in any real way.

October 29th

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