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May
2nd
The universe is change; our
life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius
Dreadful depression
greets me this morning almost upon waking, it comes like a sickness as
soon as I am aware and conscious, This I must assume is the type of
depression that is chemical; I have hardly had a chance to think it is
there the heaviness of misery and despair yet I have barely opened my
eyes . I have these periods when the depression is more pervasive and is
there immediately upon waking along with sinking anxious feelings which
must be free floating anxiety. As I am barely aware of my surroundings
the presence of these negative sensations first thing in the morning
overwhelm any thoughts whether positive or negative – not that I
get any of the former. However within minutes I am invaded by the usual
anxieties the only difference is the scenario of anxious thoughts
changes from day to day either new thoughts intervene or tired and well
worn thoughts plague my mind with new versions of a well worn theme.
Feelings of guilt along with fearful worrying thoughts deepen my
depression as guilt concerning my son comes once again to the fore.
Today is a bank
holiday here in the UK I have looked forward to this as a day when the
traffic through our village is less and there is generally a more
peaceful less hurried atmosphere and for today I can set aside some of
the pressures that society places upon me as it does to all of us with
seemingly increasing frequency. Sunday is also a similar day and I try
to keep such days free from confrontations with problematic situations
and as I have mentioned before simply veg out and do not much of
anything. Yesterday I sat and read and watched TV.
Now it could be
said that there is no pleasing some people and in my case this is true
for you see as soon as I am left to relax and take it easy I get more
depressed. My mind needs occupying constantly and it always needs to do
something that has some purpose something that I consider of value in
some way; something to mitigate the feeling that I have wasted my life
and that I am continuing to do so despite great efforts to make my
remaining time more useful. I am driven relentlessly by fears of wasting
time wasting what is left of my life. The anxiety to accomplish
something of value during the day is a driving force that in itself is
obsessive compulsive yet would seem to others as though it was a
positive rather than a negative. Yes for all intents and purposes it is
and to be active in one pursuit or another such as this web site, my
son’s web site, a computer course and art work and so on all look as
though yes this person is really trying and is achieving something
positive. However behind the façade of positiveness is yet another OCD
driven activity that yes brings some satisfaction, but only rarely and
only if nothing goes wrong and only when completed to perfection, which
of course with the OCD mind is not likely and does not occur often if at
all. Furthermore when I am not engaged in such “positive” pursuits or
when things go wrong my depression becomes much worse. So on days like
to day when I do nothing very much I actually become more depressed.
Also this occurs as quite simply my mind is less occupied and there is a
large opening for the incursion of unwanted thoughts and on going
worries have full rein to torment me.
Today my awareness that my contamination OCD is getting much worse is
really obvious. This fact is made more evident as each time I look in my
wardrobe I have nothing to wear, at least not clean, not OCD clean. It
is not that my cloths have suddenly diminished for various reasons no
rather it is that I now need more cloths as I change and wash them
increasingly more frequently. On Saturday I had to come home and change
my cloths, all my cloths including that well washed coat mentioned in
previous entries. The day before I also had to wash my denim coat so I
now have no coat to go out in. until they are dry and... I was going to say ironed but
except for the denim coat I doubt I will bother to iron the other one
it’s just too stressful and I risk re-contaminating it.. The stress of
having to shower each morning is accentuated in the anxious search for
clean cloths. Moreover my sensitivities to uncomfortable clothing seem
also to becoming more of an issue. Yesterday I changed my cloths twice
simply because my cloths felt uncomfortable, itchy and irritating me to
distraction. Each morning increasingly huge piles of clothing needing to
be laundered await me. Such makes the depression that is my companion
every day even more of a burden.
Furthermore washing
and showering rituals are on the increase. It is not simply showering
and that's it! No. Oh I only wish it was. The freedom of simply taking
off ones cloths stepping into the shower and washing is unimaginable for
me. First I have to wash in the sink than disinfect the sink… don’t ask
me why, something's I think are best kept to myself, just take it as
read that the reasons by normal considerations are illogical and
complex. I am sure no one wishes to read pages of blow-by-blow
tedious detail. Having completed my washing rituals in the sink I now
have to disinfect the sink, the taps and yes, really really crazy….. the
soap! I have to rinse and re-rinse the taps again and again to rid them
of the disinfectant that I have sprayed all over them, now that it has
done it’s job and sterilised the taps I do not wish residues of it to
remain in case someone gets poisoned. The conflicting obsessions make
life even more difficult. And this morning after showing the rug needs
to be washed this rung is washed even more times than my coat such
rituals drive me crazy! I long to be normal just to pop into the shower
wash and that’s it. People actually like showering and taking baths.
Well taking a bath is a horrendous nightmare of showering first so I do
not wash in my own dirt than bathing and afterwards showering and
washing my hair again. Such is just so exhausting and I only have a bath
when my joint and muscle pain is particularly severe. Well that is
enough of my moaning today it is only 8.45 and already it is as though I
have been dragged through the ringer. Don’t we have some odd expressions
in the English language? We use them every day so many times in
conversation and I wonder what people whose first language is not
English make of it all. If I start obsessing about that one I will never
get anything written
May 3rd
The privilege
of absurdity; to which no living creature is subject but man
only.
Thomas Hobbes
Don’t you just hate it when queuing at the supermarket to see the
cashier at the till blow his nose wiping it with a tissue and than
handling your food as it goes though the check out. Yes it most
certainly was one of those days when there was little doubt that my OCD
is taking a turn for the worse. Previously there was a panic, there was
vinegar all over my hands, the lid was lose, broken. Of all the bottles
on the shelf I could have picked up it had to be this one. I know it is
only vinegar and harmless, in fact vinegar is a disinfectant, but no my
OCD mind tells me it is something hazardous despite the label on the
bottle that says otherwise. Illogical yes but I have OCD, OCD is not
logical. Is it logical to wash your hands merely because you have
read the word rabies in a document? Ludicrous but I have done this!
I have to go once
again to the ladies room to wash off the vinegar I cannot continue my
shopping otherwise, a long long walk in the vast superstore and one
which I have made many times due to similar anxieties. Than on the way
out of the supermarket the slow ponderous amble of the women in front whom I cannot get
past drives me to distraction. The fear being that the frozen food will
thaw and have to be thrown away in case someone dies. The delay caused
by this women is minor my anxiety however is major. It seems as though
every movement that my husband makes as he loads the car is in slow
motion like the slowed down action reply of a goal in a football match.
My anxiety mounts with tightening muscles and chest fearful that this
further delay will cause the food to thaw and some one will die unless I
throw it away. I do not want this dilemma I can’t keep throwing food
away as such actions cause enormous stress for my husband. This fear
that when I buy frozen food I will not be able to get it home fast
enough before it starts to thaw has always produced enormous anxiety
when shopping as it is really a health hazarded to refreeze frozen food.
Yet again two fears vying one with another my mind flooded with anxiety
and fearful imaginings. We have a visitor who will eat some of this
food, such heightens my anxiety still more; thoughts run through my mind
to prepare something else. I feel as though I am no the verge of losing
it.
There are so many
such anxieties now and life seems overwhelming more difficult. These
were only a few of many many incidents this week; OCD incidents too
numerous to mention. Yesterday finds me out in the middle of the
road picking up wood and nails which had fallen from a truck all over
the road. Again on the way out, a cardboard box right in the middle of
the road. The over responsibility OCD fear compels me to remove
such should it be a hazard to others. I resent it and the lack of
responsibility that others display. It had been yet another of those
days and in fact it has been one of those weeks a very difficult week
for me concerning my OCD. It is as though I cannot get one minute of
peace let alone one day of peace. Every task is becoming more difficult,
every difficulty is becoming more exaggerated and I am becoming
overwhelmed by my OCD.
May 5th.
Give every man thy ear, but
few thy voice.
William Shakespeare
People today seem to show little or no interest in others, have
you noticed that when talking to other people that few rarely ask you
about your interests etc. I know someone who rarely asks how I am and on
the rare occasion he does he ignores the answer and goes on to talk
about some pressing issue in his own life. This person and others like
him never ask about my life or understand anything whatsoever about me
and see me only in relation to their respective wants or needs and not
as a person who has an existence and who also has problems and interests
that I would like to share. My family and I moved away from our home,
the home we lived in for over thirty years and my husband was born in
the area. When we arrived here not one person showed the slightest
interested as to why we had moved or asked any questions about our
former home or anything else about us. No one cared to enquire about why
my husband was made redundant or what kind of job he had prior to his
redundancy. We know all the problems of most of the people we have
associated with, all the names of family members that people expect you
to recall whenever they are talking about them mostly in a derogative
way. We know practically the life history of one neighbour but, with the
exception of an OCD friend, not once has any one asked anything about
either my family or myself.
Yes most are friendly enough but all conversation
is one sided and is mostly because of my OCD and the fear of upsetting
people and not wishing to hurt their feelings that I listen to them.
Most normal people would not but instead try and talk over the other
person, which is what happens to me most of the time if I do attempt to
say anything. Conversation is difficult for me for reasons that I have
already explained and this increasing tendency on behalf of people with
whom we associate does not help at all. There are of course a couple of
exceptions but most people I associate with babble on and on, you can
barely get a word in at all and by the time you do you have nothing to
say the moment having passed. If you do mention anything about your
interests most people barely acknowledge you at all. I recall showing a
neighbour my son’s website she looked at two pages and that was it and
went on to talk about all her business with virtually no comment about
my son’s website. There are few people that one can share anything with
nowadays and you can feel as though you are losing your identity. If
indeed I have one other than as a sufferer of OCD.
May 6th.
Our life is what
our thoughts make it.
Marcus
Aurelius
The previous entry got me to thinking: How do I
actually define myself – sadly through my OCD. I would image that many
sufferers of this and any mental health problem after so many years of
suffering begin to think only of themselves as a sufferer of whatever
the malady is. This tendency is further accentuated when no one shows
the least interest concerning the other more positive aspects of your
personality. Whenever I think about what type of person I am or what
defines me it is always in reference to my OCD. What am I – a sufferer
of OCD, a nervous and depressed person, a social phobic? Somehow
if a complete cure were possible I would wonder who I am! Why do I see
OCD as defining who I am? Yes maybe it is because it takes over your
life, it is sadly part of you, it is more you than say diabetes or
deafness would be as OCD centres upon your personality.
But there are other things that define me, that
define all sufferers of such afflictions. Could I not define myself as
an artist perhaps even if not a particularly good one? I could
define myself as a homemaker although that would be stretching it a bit
as such in the real old fashion sense of the word does not exist for me
as of course OCD makes the role of homemaker impossible in any real or
normal sense. Who envisions a homemaker washing her hands over and over;
throwing food away thinking it is poisoned; unable to throw the trash
out for fear of accidentally causing harm or unable to go shopping
fearful to leave the home without carrying out checking compulsions? I
could go on and on, the picture increasingly shattering the traditional
concept of a homemaker. And come to think of it the same goes for
art or at least it could if I allow it too. The incident I mentioned in
a previous entry where the paint had crystallised and I had the notion
it was toxic produced anxious concerns; if I am not careful such
incidents could escalate and incapacitate my ability to paint. It does
to a certain degree already I do not use oil paint as it is quite
stressful having to use turpentine and other toxic substances. Moreover
the perfectionist side of my OCD can also render me unable to do
anything or complete anything with out much rumination and indecision,
this of course includes artwork always seeking perfection never
satisfied. Such for me inhibits creativity. Perhaps I could therefore
define myself as a perfectionist maybe a positive for a normal person
but not for an OCDer and besides it is of course defining me yet again
by illnesses.
Could I not define myself as a moral ethical
person, again is this characteristic due to OCD scrupulosity: would I be
so scrupulous if I did not suffer with OCD? Is such a definition
therefore another way of defining me as a sufferer of OCD?
Am I a writer perhaps, I sure produce copious
amounts of hyper-graphical ramblings. When I was complaining about
having artist’s block recently for the reasons already mentioned my son
replied: “well you certainly don't have writers block!” I really get my
leg pulled about the length of all my writing. No not just here on my
website but in every written undertaking: the recipient of a letter, or
a form gets several pages. Is this a way of defining myself, probably not
as it too is affected by OCD. Checking such copious renditions of course
makes the task even more enormous and of course the large amounts of
writing is often the result of anxieties about getting it right as much
of my writing is repetitive. Would I feel the need to write quite so
much if I did not have OCD? After all what would I write about; what
would I have created a website about; would I have even created a
website at all, would I have even bought a computer? Much of what I do
on or with the computer is affected by my OCD.
This brings me to yet another way of defining
myself. Most of my interests centre upon religion, philosophy, and such
like. Most of the websites I visit are related to this interest and the
driving desire to find some meaning to life and its purpose. My son
pointed out that when my brother-in -aw came to stay with us for a
couple of weeks before the accident that he was hard pressed to find
something to read. Yes I have shelves of books all about the
aforementioned. Not my brother-in-laws cup of tea! Finally he selects a
book from the few which have no relation to religion, philosophy and so
on – a biography of Howard Hughes.
So who am I? What am I? What defines me as a
person, what is the real me underneath the OCD? Perhaps the non sufferer
can understand why mental health problems are so devastating as they
take away your personality , your sense of identity, your very soul if
you like. Yet we get so little understanding or sympathy. In fact we are
stigmatised. Why is it that no one bothers about political correctness
when referring to the mentally ill! That is another big
issue with me and one which I will not doubt get round to writing my
thoughts upon.
May 8th.
I never think of the future -
it comes soon enough.
Albert Einstein
What a glorious day! This morning the sky is
completely blue, it is the kind of morning that makes you feel good. It
is Sunday morning shortly after 5am it is the most peaceful part of the
day and in fact the only peaceful time during the whole week. Even that
low frequency noise is not in evidence this morning . Even though I am
really none to well. with a very frightening escalation in the intensity
of fibromyalgia symptoms after a very disturbed night including a
migraine attack in the early hours of the morning my mood is enhanced on
such a day as today.
I do my best to make the most of my difficult
life but on mornings when the sky is laden with clouds as though it
bears down an enormous weight on my soul it is much harder to
fight with ones illnesses. My heart as a write this feels constricted
with anxiety and I am still none to well but the difference to me the
weather makes is quite astounding. I am nevertheless really quite
frightened concerning this escalation in my fibromyalgia symptoms, if
this is what all these strange maladies are. They most certainly fit the
diagnostic criteria for this illness an illness not accepted as valid by
the consensus of all medical professionals. Some doctors prefer the
diagnosis of somatisation disorder. Some will give no specific diagnosis
at all; I have been told that my illnesses namely, headaches, migraine,
muscular aches and pains fatigue, brain fog, IBS and so on are all
caused by depression. However you may wish to label it it all feels just
awful to me and for the sake of brevity I call these maladies for which
there appears to be no pathology fibromyalgia, it makes things simpler
and is something to identify with. Whatever you want to call it all
feels the same but sufferers like a label as something to relate to in
order to identify why they suffer in the way that they do.
It isn't the experience of today
that drives men mad. It is the remorse for something that
happened yesterday, and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.
Robert
Jones Burdette
I think the sudden escalation in these symptoms
is due to the continued pressure that I feel so burdened by and my
increasing OCD symptoms which accentuate other difficulties and make
life increasingly more difficult to cope with. Sundays has for me always
been a somewhat stressful day despite the welcome respite from the
strains of life and the pressure from society. Most weeks there is
something I dread having to face. . The saying that you cannot enjoy
Sunday because the following day it is Monday is most certainly true. It
is difficult to enjoy something if you are dreading the possible
negative events occurring the following day. It seems as though every
week there is something to worry me and this haunts me every Sunday
spoiling my enjoyment of this more tranquil day. It appears to me that
every week there is some challenge some worry to dread, to face. Yes
true most of these are borne of a distorted perception in the nature of
OCD delusional and negative thinking. Other people may not necessarily
view the things that worry me to distraction in quite the same way nor
see them in such a negative fearful light.
I wish that I had the ability to compartmentalise
my life, to live each day separately as though each was a separate unit
of existence isolated by the previous days troubles or the following
days anticipated problems. But as with all OCD type thinking the mind
will wander wherever and whenever and attempts to control its
preoccupation with fearful events either real or imaginary is something
I have never mastered. I do believe that happiness comes from living
within the moment and if this can be achieved a lot of the suffering
which blights our lives would be mitigated. One therapeutic mind
training exercise, which sadly I have never really mastered, is to put
off worrying until a set time of the day; to postpone worrying until a
specified time. This would usually be at the end of the day and than to
deliberately ruminate upon these worries and concerns when as the theory
goes the sufferer will actually find it difficult to concentrate upon
his concerns when such concentration is deliberate rather than intrusive
and uncontrolled.. Sound advice for everyone as of course chronic worry
is not the prerogative of the sufferer of OCD. Sadly though for me again
it is that sinking feeling one gets when all of a sudden despite
attempts to distract myself the thought pops into my head and before I
know it here I am with a sinking heart obsessing about whatever it is
that is torturing my mind or some negatively anticipated event which
appears to crop up every single week or even every day.
Be
happy in the moment - that's enough.
Each moment is all we need - not more.
Mother
Teresa
May 21st.
Whenever I go on
holiday I have he strangest of notions that by some strange quirk all my
maladies will somehow not be the problem that they are in my daily life
and it always comes as a shock that of course this is not the case. In
fact more often than not all the illnesses from which I suffer both
psychological and physical can indeed become even more problematic than
usual.
Yes my family have
been away for a while for ten days on our annual holiday to Glastonbury
in the county of Somerset. Now I do not necessarily want to ramble on
about the negatives and there were certainly plenty of those but for a
change or at least by way of an alternative I will share with you some
of my interest and fascination for Glastonbury and why despite all my
myriad health problems my husband, son and I make this gruelling nearly
four hundred miles journey each year to spend a few short days in the
town of Glastonbury. So if you would like something positive that does
not concern any of the anxiety problems included in this website please
click
Glastonbury
for photos and short explanations and links to sites of
interest concerning Glastonbury and the surrounding area.. The pages you
will see were intended for a section on my website site entitled Shared
Interests. I spent some time on this section as part of my contribution
as an idea to get sufferers of the disorders included on my web site to
share details of their interests. The idea of doing this was to show
that we are more than the some total of our respective maladies and that
we do have interests. However I had serious doubts that it was really
not appropriate and considered that perhaps no one other than myself
would wish to contribute and share interests so I have shelved
this idea for the time being. Doubt is of course part and parcel of the
torment suffered by those of us who are afflicted with OCD and such
doubts may takes months to resolve if indeed they are resolved at all.
However regardless of the outcome concerning the inclusion of this
proposed part of my website I would like to share with you the section I
did for possible inclusion as one of my interests which is concerned
with the town of Glastonbury, it’s history, mythology and new age
connections in order to add a little positivity to an other wise
negative account of my holiday.
As I have said I do
have quite an affinity for this town. It has as they say good vibes:.
However with OCD and the other maladies from which I suffer there were
indeed many moments during which I wondered why on earth I put myself
through these traumas each year. Holidays have always been difficult. It
is no easy matter to stay in a holiday cottage even though I know it is
immaculately clean and to use cooking utensils and bed linen that
countless others have used or to sit in chairs sat in by goodness knows
who. Strangely it is the fact that I do not know who has previously
stayed there that makes it possible for me to go at all. Although my
imagination fills in the gaps to a good degree. Nevertheless for once
the doubts appear to side with a more positive outlook and not actually
knowing who has stayed there or what has happened previously makes it
possible for me to cope. In this situation ignorance is indeed bliss.
The main fears often are my concerns that indeed I will inadvertently
contaminate others and this more than anything else makes the holiday
difficult particularly the last day when the need to clean and leave the
accommodation ready for the next guest causes considerable anxiety and
washing compulsions. Yes not my responsibility I know but
over-responsibility is another OCD issue and besides it is expected to
at least leave ones accommodation in some semblance of order and
cleanliness but of course as a sufferer of OCD this goes rather go over
the top.
A chest infection
suffered by all of us adds it’s own momentum to my misery. Normally I
let such illness, and I actually rarely get this type of illness, run
their course but because I was due to go away I asked the doctor for
some antibiotics. My IBS became a major problem, which I believe was a
result of the antibiotics and which produced the dire necessity of the
use of public toilets with alarming frequency. This not only of course
caused exhaustive misery physically but also mentally as a result of my
OCD. This along with an overwhelming anxiety at eating in cafe's for
fears of food poisoning, panics over peoples unruly dogs which sadly
here seemed in abundance, four migraines, although alleviated by my
mediation, and the miserable cold weather and many many other anxiety
scenarios too numerous to mention made sadly this year's holiday not one
that I could say that I particularly enjoyed. Nevertheless my affinity
for this place remained and I did not regret my time there.
There were the odd
occasions when it seems as though I could actually find some moments of
peace that this special place indeed does afford if one is receptive too
them and manages to ward off for a moment or so the continuous stream of
negative thoughts and turbulences to ones mind resulting from OCD and
other mind induced torments. One of these moments occurred in fact on
one of the miserably cold windy days at the foot of Glastonbury Tor.
When stopping briefly to take a photograph before our manic excursions
into the surrounding country side frantically trying to cram as much
as possible into our schedule I did feel a sudden few moments of peace
as mist settled over the Tor swirling in the wind adding a mystical feel
to this mythical and spiritual place: please see
Glastonbury for explanation and links
if you have not already done so. Despite the difficulties this
year the dread of returning home haunted me and I mentally ticked
off each passing day with increasing dread as all too quickly the days
slipped by.
May 22nd
Today I woke quite
severely depressed. Yes once again that awful sickening feeling, the
clutch in the chest of which I am so familiar, greets me once again.
Such awful feelings of early morning depression seemed not such a
problem whilst on holiday although anxiety greeted me most mornings
during my time away particularly as the time to return home drew
inexorably nearer and the problems I left behind, which during the first
days of our holiday remained in the background of my mind, seem suddenly
much closer and more prominent. It takes me a long time to get over a
holiday and I feel an incredible sense of loss and yearning for the town
of Glastonbury. Indeed the feelings of depression and sadness when the
holiday was over was very overwhelming and I had the thought that
perhaps it is better not to go at all as these feelings of regret,
despite considerable difficulties with contamination issues and IBS,
when the holiday ends and I have to return home are really depressing
and the sense of loss overwhelming. Often I regret not coming to live
here instead of in the northeast. We had considered the possibility
briefly but the price of housing here is considerably more expensive.
It was with bitter
regret that we all departed from this place and Friday evening found us
sitting in the car at the foot of Glastonbury Tor deep in bitter lament
that we have to return home. My son particularly feels he has no life
here and that his life is never going to amount to much as his anxiety
and depression deepen. Again the pangs of guilt fill me with bitter
remorse which even the distraction of our holiday could not override and
feelings of wishing to harm myself to relieve this awful mental pain
offer some desperate but neurotic solution from this persistent torment.
Although such ideas remain merely a thought.
During our holiday
I had some time to reflect upon my life and indeed the lives of both my
husband and son. Something has to change we cannot go on much longer
living out our miserable existence struggling with the increasingly
difficult demands of our lives most of which we are too ill to cope
with. Even this holiday has been an enormous strain and in fact we are
not really functioning well enough and it has been more difficult than
in previous years. But surrounded by what I will call the positive
energies of Glastonbury, or at least the positive energies created
within my mind as my personal perception of this place with it’s various
religious new age connections, inspires some reflection upon our
situation and a desperate need to bring some positive change into our
lives. I purchased several self-help books and books of positive new age
thinking which inspire within me a desire to change indeed for all three
of us to change. Somehow in reality I know that on our return I will
soon sink into the mire of hopeless despair as my OCD and other maladies
overwhelm me and the pressing issues of life once again threaten to make
my life one of continuous struggle.
The journey home
and the car not functioning correctly necessitating the need for urgent
repairs and the fearful scenarios of having to abandon it and make this
long journey home by public transport were truly a very negative
conclusion to our holiday and a bitter indication that my positive
resolve will quickly crumble. It was only an hours delay, it could have
been much worse. The mechanic was very helpful and charged a most fair
price and perhaps I should focus on that as a little positive incident
albeit born of what could have been a dire consequence. Nonetheless the
shock and fear of the possible very negative outcome was overwhelming
and increased my anxiety concerning travel so far from home.
Particularly as the journey progressed and other things went wrong and I
had a migraine. Just writing about it now I feel considerable anxiety
welling up inside at the thought of the possibility of an even more
negative outcome.
My depression this
morning is further accentuated by the enormous task of unpacking and
washing all our clothing including the bags in which we had to put our
dirty clothing. I have to wash everything, every item of clothing even
that which has not been worn. It is one of the downsides that everyone
experiences after a holiday but for the OCDer with contamination OCD it
is indeed problematic to the extreme and the inclement weather with
intermittent rain does not help. My washer - tumble drainer is totally
inadequate as I have explained before in an earlier entry. It washes
just fine but does not tumble dry well at all and the prospect of having
a weeks accumulation of laundry drying round the house after running in
and out to retrieve it from the cloths line is indeed detrimental to any
chance of feeling positive or refreshed after a holiday. Also the
prospect of a shopping trip which is sadly essential as there is nothing
in the freezer or refrigerator as whenever we go on holiday I have to
defrost it and turn it off because of fears of something going wrong and
causing a fire whilst we are away. I leave nothing switched on except
the boiler, which apparently cannot be turned off for reasons I cannot
understand but somehow I have to accept. Yes there are times when I
wonder, is it worth it. A neighbour many years ago told me he and his
wife never went on holiday they could not cope with all the packing and
than unpacking on arrival followed by packing than unpacking and all the
washing and so on when they returned; he thought it simply was not worth
all the hassle. Notwithstanding such issues deep down inside I know that
all things being well – well reasonably well as of course all things are
never well for us it seems - we will once again be on out way next year,
all the problems of this year having faded into the oblivion of
forgetfulness and yet again I will go on holiday with the notion that
somehow everything will be different and my illnesses will not be the
problem they are each and everyday of my life.
May23rd
I have a headache, another headache! Most probably
it is the beginnings of a migraine. I am so weary of all this sometimes,
this is the fifth in the last 11 days. Again I woke overwhelmed with
depression and the noise from traffic as the rush hour begins seems
unbearably loud and more intrusive than usual. I guess it is because
during my holiday it was peaceful when each morning I woke to the sound
of the singing of birds. Although one particular pigeon joined the dawn
chorus rather enthusiastically with loud cooing noises it was indeed a
pleasure to hear for once such natural sounds instead of the hum of
traffic and the low whine of the low frequency noise which continues to
emanate from the factory in the village despite all my efforts to get it
stopped. Yes I still lament the finish of my holiday and regrets haunt
me that we did not chose to move to Somerset rather than here were I
feel I will never really be able to find any contentment or feel that it
is home or that I fit in.
The pressures of my complicated existence are
burdensome to the extreme and already I have at least four commitments
this week and feel that once again my life is just too crowded with
obligations that I am not really well enough to cope with. It is no
wonder that I wake feeling so overwhelming depressed. However concerning
depression it is difficult to know which comes first: Am I depressed
because of my lifestyle, a life style so effected by OCD obsessions and
compulsions and negative thinking, or is the depression the reason my
OCD and negative thinking exists in the first place or is as severe as
it is. In the very brief moments when the depression has lifted and the
feeling comes upon me that all is well with the world and my place
within it other things take on a less threatening appearance. Such
feelings are extremely ephemeral and are rarely experienced nonetheless
they are there from time to time. And during other also rarely but more
extended periods of time when I have been less depressed and more
positive for no particular reason the OCD and other maladies seem not as
severe. It is therefore very difficult to know which comes first, one's
depression or the circumstances which we feel precipitate the
depression. Some of the things that concern me and cause that awful
sickening dread are perhaps to others seen as insignificant and may in
fact appear as of no consequence at all. Yet to me these concerns are
overwhelming problems and despite all the positive self talk these
thoughts and perceptions of such circumstances remain to haunt me again
and again and the feelings of depression and despair accumulate.
Moreover as one problem resolves whether real or imagined another
quickly takes it's place or at least another event or circumstances seen
from a negative perspective immediately takes its place and once again
my mind is weighted down with the burden of anxiety and dread.
Desperately I search for a solution and hope
remains but as I get older I have increasingly the thought that it is
unlikely that I will now ever find any true contentment. Nonetheless
notwithstanding such misgivings life could be better but I do need some
help and sadly this is not forthcoming, at least at the present time.
But oh if only something would give if I could have some respite from
all the pressures that society imposes and a little time just to smell
the roses. If only my son could make for himself a life and find some
happiness this would go a long way to alleviate at least some of my
guilt about moving here which has sadly been of detriment to him and
also to us.. Few people could bear the burden of guilt that they have
adversely effected the well being of another. Yes I know the many
psychological and philosophical arguments that we are responsible for
out own happiness and that it is our perception of life and it's
circumstances that causes or makes worse our unhappiness. Such beliefs
are fine in theory and I wholeheartedly agree with such ideas. However
how does one change ones mind set and begin to view one's life in a more
positive perspective. Nonetheless my resolve remains at least for now to
try and somehow improve our lot here and I cling tenaciously to the
positive vibes which whether real or imagined and fleetingly brief I
experienced in the Glastonbury.
May 24th
Well, I have a lot to write
about because we all know torment and misery provide inspiration.
anonymous
Today I really must get it together and post the
above entries. All the checking that I have to do is most certainly a
major hindrance in compiling and publishing this blog more so perhaps
than any other written material composed by myself on this website. The
constant checking and rechecking is not only both mentally and
physically exhausting but spoils the spontaneity of my entries, which
after all the alteration, rumination, corrections and endless
deliberations becomes stilted and appears contrived and unnatural. All
my worries concerning grammar and the possible negative effects of what
I write or conversely what I exclude from these entries hinders not only
the continuity and usefulness of my entries but also makes this task for
me a misery of frustration. Many of my doubts prevent me from really
opening up and sharing with sufferers and non sufferers what it is like
to be afflicted with OCD. Furthermore my increasing hesitancy to share
and suggest ways of coping ,such as uplifting books or music or ideas I
have learned along the way, should they appear perhaps unconventional or
may do more harm than good or may cause offence and so on truly inhibits
the purpose of this Blog. Most web logs should contain links to useful
websites and references to books and so on. This I feel is somewhat
lacking in my blog.
I really need to improve my OCD in this regard.
Somehow I have to accept that whatever I write will never be
grammatically perfect for indeed my grammatical skills are rather
lacking in this regard. I recall some years ago now when my husband was
made redundant I had written on his behalf a letter to his
employer. I had taken the letter along to a local advice agency for some
assistance concerning my husband's legal rights. The agency was
run by volunteers who where apparently all retired teachers. The letter
which I had written over and over and had finally accepted as reasonably
grammatically correct was examined by one of the volunteers. I had only
showed it to this person in order to establish the legalities of it's
contents however I was amazed to find that when she had checked it over
she had written the usual teacher's corrections in red ink! She had
corrected the grammar and spelling rather than commenting upon the legal
aspects. The fact that such habitual behaviour by this former teacher
was indeed rather amusing nonetheless failed to detract from the fact
that my grammar was less than perfect. And although we all had a good
laugh about this it did rather shake my confidence and had a detrimental
effect on this particular checking compulsion which I freely admit may
seem to others as ridiculous and inconsequential.
I often recheck everything which I have written
even after publishing on the web, often weeks afterwards. At such times
I will suddenly notice an error, it may only be a small inconsistency
such as a missing comma or it may be that a word has been misspelled as
often the word processor changes a word and despite all the compulsive
checking I have failed to notice this. It is in fact quite an amazing
phenomenon, it is as though my brain has failed to notice instead seeing
perhaps the word I had originally intended rather than the one the spell
check has inserted. This situation happens with regularity even after a
letter or other document has been checked more times than I would like
to admit. This has occurred with my book and this after taking over ten
years to write, edit and correct. Recently whilst looking over a hard
copy I decided I should print out I was horrified to notice mistakes
that I had hitherto not been aware.
More importantly however the obstacle of
compulsive checking when the compulsion arises from fears of causing
harm or offence is perhaps more difficult to overcome, particularly in
the absence of any professional support. The fear of causing harm is the
major motivation that precipitates most of my obsessive-compulsive
behaviours and is therefore a major symptom of this very debilitating
malady to overcome. I endeavour to try to improve such behaviours but
the fears, doubts and anxieties plague me persistently and it is indeed
no easy task. Notwithstanding these problems I will endeavour not to
take the easy way out and stop writing altogether.
At least for now I will persist even if it means
doing so by working round my obsessions and compulsions in this regard
even though my endeavours are inhibiting, exhaustingly time consuming
and detracts from my ability to express myself in a more open and
relaxed manner. At least I am trying and who knows with time things may
change. I hope that what I do finally publish is of some use to others
in some way despite it's short comings. Even now as I write this an
enormous battle rages within my mind as it is inundated with doubts,
indecisions and fears of causing possible harm or even merely driving
readers to distraction with all this complicated rambling. Ramblings
which I feel I may have said all before. Well that is another ruminative
doubting obsessive-compulsive manifestation which I must somehow
endeavour to ignore as I simply cannot check and recheck to ascertain
that I am not repeating myself. Besides long rambling repetitive writing
may be the way I am. Such tendencies may be due to my OCD or
otherwise who knows. OCD and indeed the mind in general is very complex
and we should not relate all our emotions, idiosyncrasies or
characteristics to our illness. It is the tendency now for written
material to be shorter than it was perhaps in former times and perhaps
those of us who simply write too much simply do not fit in with the
modern tendencies to be more concise. However I may write too much due
to OCD doubts that I have got my point across which is rather the case
now. So for the present I will conclude both this entry and this
subject.
May 26th,
Remember, happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it
depends solely upon what you think.
Dale
Carnegie
I am sooooooo
stressed. Aggghhhhhhh! I cannot believe it sometimes the
perversity of life is truly astounding – at least that is how it appears
to me. I have just summoned the courage to publish all these delayed
entries and now I am unable to do so due to some technical glitch. As I
write this I await an e-mail from my web host to either confirm that
they have a problem or that there is a problem my end. Although as my
website has failed to upload on the net I rather think that for some
reason or another the problem is not of my doing. I know that it is
part and parcel of using computers, the unreliability of this very
complex technology is to expected. Nonetheless such irregularities cause
me enormous stress particularly when I am anxious about loading up this
updated Blog as such a delay will leave me time to ruminate and further
check my updates which I have only just resolved not to recheck for the
umpteenth time. So instead here I am trying to distract from what is
most probably unreasonable catastrophizing about not ever getting my
website up and running again. Up until this time to my knowledge such
problems have rarely occurred although from time to time I have had
difficulty loading my website for one reason or another. The computer,
my website and all the associated activates have been an enormous help
and distraction for me during my troubled life however the anxiety
generated by this setback is considerable particularly after all the
work this week in preparing my entries and the links to the Glastonbury
section. Although this section was mostly prepared as I have explained
it needed considerable updating and of course check, check, checking and
if that was not enough more checking.
So here I sit now
with a significant headache and various aches and pains, which appear to
be much worse this morning, feeling frustrated and hopeless with all my
good resolve going down the drain of despair. For you see this is the
trouble with my depression and my anxiety. It is not just the obviously
OCD type thinking such as contamination, checking, religious and
superstitious obsessions and compulsions and morbid ruminative thinking
that increases or precipitates the depression and that causes me so much
misery. Although most of my depression and indeed my anxiety arises from
my OCD it is not the only cause. No it is also the irrational
catastrophising of all negative situations both great and small, such as
the one cited here concerning difficulties uploading my updated website,
that further aggravate my tendency to be depressed and stressed and
which consequently increase my OCD symptoms.
Some would image
perhaps that such issues could be more easily resolved by trying to see
the situation in a more rational perspective instead of treating such
negative occurrences as a major catastrophe and allowing such to bring
about a significant increase in depression. Such depression or indeed
anxiety is tenacious notwithstanding my attempts at thinking more
rational and positive thoughts such as in this particular instance: Any
technical difficulties will only be temporary and will be resolved; I am
not going to permanently loose my website; perhaps it would be better to
get on with other things and not sit here trying to publish and continue
to receive the same old error message and instead wait for a
response from technical support before indulging in heart sinking
depression and stressful negative scenarios. However such is not he
case. Such thoughts of a negative nature perceived in an exaggerated
light are no easier to dispel than the more obvious OCD type thinking.
At least that is my experience at this juncture of my life.
An e-mail from
technical support confirmed my more rational explanation of the problem,
which had been the result of temporary technical difficulties. No my web
site is not irretrievably lost and this important part of my life is not
over!
Life can become so
problematic if we see everything that appears to go wrong as a major
catastrophe and such pessimistic thinking will make our OCD or any other
anxiety disorder more of problem as the stress generated by such
negative thinking gives increasingly more momentum to the stress
produced by our anxiety disorder, in my case OCD. I have found that
during my life that any stress even that not related to OCD tends to
fuel my obsessive-compulsive behaviours and consequently increases my
depression and anxiety. I have yet to find my own personal
solution to coping with such over the top negative thinking and
catastrophizing but many years ago I read a book that had some excellent
ideas about how we can cope with the tendency to worry about everything.
How to Stop
Worrying and Start Living
Dale Carnegie
This book is
about fifty years old but still available. It is well worth a read. Even
if you cannot follow the advice given I often find that just by reading
such books one can feel at least more encouraged and hopeful.
May 27th
Some of
my obsessive-compulsive behaviors truly seem bizarre and are perhaps not
the usual behaviors commonly mentioned on the net or elsewhere. The
reason for this may of course may be that few will admit to the more
strange behaviors apparent in each and every sufferer of OCD.
I was
saddened this morning to find a dead spider in the bath - at least I
think it is dead. It looks dead and a normal person would simply turn on
the taps and flush it down the plug-hole without further ado. Unless of
course you are like me and suffer with obsessive- compulsive disorder
and you are assailed with doubts that it is in fact really dead. It’s
not moving but it may be alive, perhaps it is stunned. I know it’s dead,
deep down my common sense if you like, that small virtually
imperceptible part of my your psyche that tells you that your doubts are
irrational whispers to me that yes it is most certainly dead! But
OCD doubts prevail and strong unremitting fears and uncertainties compel
me to put the spider on a tissue and leave it aside for observation it
to see if it is still alive. In some cases similar behaviors have gone
on for days and dead spiders and other insects are left lying on tissues
here and there throughout the house under observation. . Now of course
it may not matter to you if the spider is dead or not, even if you
suffer from OCD this concern may be irrelevant and you may even flush it
away regardless of whether it is alive or dead, although most of us
OCDers I would image would be reluctant to do such a thing – but who
knows we are all different. After all everyone’s OCD is not the same;
your own personal OCD manifestations centre upon your own personality,
the things and ideas and beliefs that are important to you. This is why
each and every one of us has his or her unique type of OCD even with in
the three most common categories of OCD such as contamination, checking
and religious/ scrupulosity OCD
I have
done this over and over throughout the ensuing years since my OCD became
full blown; such concerns and doubts being born from my OCD over
responsibility, which those of you who have read my memoir and other
writing including this bog will know extends to all creatures. Over the
years there have been tissues with dead woodlice and other unfortunate
tiny creatures hanging about the house for a number of days. Despite the
fact such unfortunate creatures are obviously dead being rigid and stiff
with rigamortis, the doubt remains and the torment continues. Not a
major problem I know but add it to the others and it than becomes more
significant. And add this to all the dead plants and even cut flowers
that remain until I am completely certain that they are dead. More often
than not it is another family member who will finally throw them away or
at least remove them into the yard. My bonsai mentioned in an earlier
entry is still in the yard .I now know it is dead as others of its
species have now produced their leaves so I can no longer consider that
it will revive in the spring which is now of course virtually over..
Crazy I know and theoretically such obsessions could become very serious
indeed if I were living alone. I have heard of instances of dead rats
and other larger creatures found in the homes of people with similar
bizarre behaviors. At the moment my behaviors in this regard cause
little harm other than embarrassment from the amusement of others: a
psychologist referred to my home in a joking manner as a hospice for
woodlice. It can however cause distress and sadness if I ignore such
compulsions: if I did simply flush this spider away I would be subjected
to considerable guilt that it had indeed been alive and that I had
killed it. Furthermore such doubts that some creature or another is
still alive can be problematic when out in the countryside and I want my
husband to stop and check obviously dead animals that have been killed
by passing traffic. Some times such doubts are very powerful despite the
evidence of my eyes, such as when the poor critter's internal organs are
splayed across the road. I mention this now because we need to be aware
both sufferers and non-sufferers that OCD can occur in any manifestation
and not just the stereotypical symptoms mentioned in textbooks or
published in the media.
May29th
It is 6.15 am. My
son has just gone for an early morning walk. I am amazed; he has been so
lethargic and depressed perhaps this is for him a new resolve to try and
improve. I certainly hope so. It is a glorious day - at least it is now
at this early hour of the morning. I am so pleased that he has made this
effort, an incredible effort for someone depressed who finds getting out
of bed to face an anxiety filled day with feelings of despondency
incredibly daunting indeed. It does however highlight for me the
difficulties that I have concerning my ability to go out on such an
excursion. Even accompanied it would for me be an ordeal because of my
OCD. This aspect of OCD appears not to be a problem for my son
thankfully as it is indeed miserable on a day such as today to be so
fearful of going out alone into the lovely country side just right
across the road. Even a trip outside just to check my garden can be
difficult and anxiety provoking and that is all I can do alone. I cannot
wake my husband at such an early hour and besides unlike many of the
places we visit which are more remote my local country walks are more
problematic. Therefore even if he came with me it would not be any
pleasure for me at all. I rarely go out and about in my own locality as
even accompanied it is just too stressful.
Close to us are
some really pretty places to go for an early morning walk including
woodland with streams and two rivers. However the fears of encountering
other people's unruly dogs makes such impossible alone and anxiety
provoking when accompanied. No it is not the dog just the fear that it
may have rabies. For those who have read my full
memoir or shorter version
My Story will know that rabies is one of the diseases that features
in my contamination OCD . Yes all mammals can carry the rabies virus
included my much loved sheep. However for reasons I cannot understand
most of this fear is centered upon dogs, although the fear remains
concerning other animals. Other sufferers with whom I have spoken over
the year express similar concerns and for reasons which are not logical
centre fears concerning the contraction of rabies mainly on dogs.
Well for me dogs and bats but as bats are rarely encountered in quite the
way that dogs are, bats generally do not pose a threat. Although in
recent years there have been one or two scares concerning rabies and
bats which made me fearful for a time to go out at night..
This is only one of
many many obsessions but it is one that I really loath and one that has
had a significant effect upon my life. So many people own dogs most of
which are okay and will not approach you. However there are always the
few exceptions and the owners of which either do not care that perhaps
another person does not care to have their dog jump all over them or
they simply do not realise that some people may be phobic or allergic.
However regardless of what the dog will or will not do the fear remains
as I simply do not know when I see a dog if it will ignore me or jump
all over me. Most times such behaviours are not aggressive and come
mostly from the playful friendly nature of the animal. Although there
have been occasions that I have been confronted with some very
aggressive dogs and equally aggressive owners, fortunately these
instances are few and far between. Most encounters concern over friendly
dogs particularly young puppies just wanting to make friends or to have
a bit owf fuss. Nonetheless I do not know how the dog will behave
whenever I encounter one. When I am out and I see a dog my heart
palpitates, my legs turn to jelly, my throat constricts and feelings of
profound fear well up inside along with those familiar feelings which
cause fluttering sensations right in the pit of my stomach. Such
feelings seem to overwhelm me. When I use the word fear I mean fear,
fear which goes further than anxiety. I do not even have to see a dog;
the rustle of another creature in a bush or the rush of the wind
in the trees or the sudden approach of another person I have hitherto
not previously noticed will case my heart to leap to my throat as I
fearfully turn to the source of the sound in fearful anticipation.
Expecting to be confronted with someone’s out of control dog I am panic
stricken. It is mostly not the fear of the dog but the disease which it
might carry that is the problem although because of events with dogs in
my childhood there is an essence of phobic anxiety particularly with
more aggressive breeds – at least dogs we perceive as more aggressive,
such as Alsatians.
Now I do not wish
to give offence to anyone who owns a dog or any other animal. I envy
you. I love all animals. I love dogs some are so gentle, a neighbour’s
dog’s has a lovely face I can see it is harmless and just wants a fuss.
I would love to stroke it and give it the attention it obviously wants.
I know people will think I imagine this but it is as if this dog knows
by the way it looks at me with friendly eyes as though it is asking for
a chance just to be friendly. Whenever I encounter it and his owner, who
knowing my problems keeps it away, it looks at me constantly with big
sad eyes as if it knows that it is being rejected. I actually feel so
guilty. I also feel guilty at the look in the owners eyes when their dog
which they know is harmless and which they may love as one loves one's
child is rejected. Yes many people particularly lonely people have this
much love for their dog. So I feel enormously guilt ridden.
The pain of this
aspect of my OCD is terrible to me as it alienates me from contact with
animals and is a great source of sadness for me. I would love to walk in
the countryside and greet the friendly dogs of the people I meet along
the way to stroke, pat and make a fuss of them. I would love to go for
an early morning stroll by the river and not greet the approach of
another person walking his or her dog with a beating heart and a
sickening dreadful fear. But until this time arrives I can never do
this, most certainly not alone or even accompanied locally as so many of
my neighbours own dogs. I only wish that the public in general was made
more aware of the effect that their dog whom they love and most probably
trust and know is harmless has upon others and be more mindful to keep
it under better control until he or she is certain that their dogs
attentions are welcomed.
*
Disclaimer :
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and
have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries .
However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not
necessarily reflect my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
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