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March 1st
It is only
too easy to compel a sensitive human being to feel guilty about anything.
Morton Irving Seiden
Today is another exhausting day trying to arrange my brother-in-law's
things and visiting him in hospital. The good news is he will be coming home
maybe tomorrow if the care package is in place here. He apparently had not taken
his anti seizure medication, his seizures are presumably a side effect of the blood clot or the stroke he had a year ago shortly after the
operation to remove the clot. As a relative and next of kin you would think that
I would know all of this but no confidentiality is a big issue here and medical
matters are never discussed without consent of the patient and never ever over
the phone even with consent, therefore because we lived so far away it was not
possible to always find out what was happening.
He had to remain another day. He had no nightclothes with
him or toiletries when he was admitted as they were all packed in cases and
besides in the picnic to get him to hospital such was the least on our minds. I
know I should have taken some cloth in today but when I finally found them
amongst all the packing I was worried they may not be clean enough, an OCD thing
I know. I assumed the hospital would provide him with the necessities as he was
only going to be in there a couple of days so I did not bother to take in his
pyjamas only to find him sitting there in the cloths he was bought in with!!! Oh
did I feel just awful also I never thought to leave him with any money, neither
did my husband and son who of course were there also. He had been rushed into
hospital and there had been no time to think about taking his money with him. Of course none of us is
coping neither my son nor my husband. Also
about five minutes before going to the hospital I had a migraine attack and had
to delay to take my medication and consequently missed the strict visiting times
and had to ring for permission to go in later so I really was not functioning at
all. I still had the tension headache, which always remains after the medication
has alleviated my migraine. Nonetheless despite such mitigating circumstances I
feel guilty and neglectful and worried all the rest of the day that I had not
bought him some night cloths.
March 2nd
All beings tremble before danger,
all fear death. When a man considers this, he does not kill or cause to kill.
All beings fear before danger, life is dear to all. When a man considers this,
he does not kill or cause to kill.
Buddha Dhammapada, 129-130
This morning I want nothing more than to drawn the blinds
against the snow that is falling thick and fast. Yes indeed you may notice that
my perspective has changed; what once bought some pleasure now brings pain and
suffering. If the weather keeps up it will bring much anxiety. My brother-in-law
is still in hospital he may come home today and we may have to collect him and
the weather is bad it will be a fearful journey for me.
It is only just after 4am and already in addition to the
snow I am upset by advice on an Internet website which I visit daily. I am
deeply outraged by advice on this website promoting environmental issues. The
advice concerns a pesticide free way of destroying ants. Now I may be in the
minority in the western world but I do have a great sensitivity against harming
any creature rather more so than perhaps is usual in our society. Yes sometimes
my OCD comes into this inasmuch as my reactions to such issues may be affected
by my OCD by allowing such things to make me feel unhappy or even profoundly sad
and on the verge of tears as this article does today. The article advocated the
killing of ants by using this relatively safe method or at least a less toxic
method. The ants will not die immediately but take back to the nest this
substance which will actually eradicate the entire nest. To me it is an
appalling and shocking thing to even contemplate and to see an
environmental advocacy on the net handing out such advice is shocking. Are not ants part of our echo
system, are they not part of the environment and on a another more philosophical
and ethical level: do not they have a right to life and do they not also
feel pain and fear death. Why do we feel that it is right to destroy such
creatures, beings who share this world with us simply because they’re considered
to be a nuisance. Yes sometimes they can be overwhelming and I have had ants
crawling all over the bathroom floor. When they become more than we can cope
with such as when they’re about to fly we simply vacuum them up into the cleaner
bag and empty it outside. Yes the ants are somewhat disoriented but they are
alive and quickly crawl away elsewhere. I recall some years ago a radio
presenter raising a similar issue concerning environmentalists and others who
take issue with endangered species. He commented that it is often a fact that
there is concern about dolphins, and rightly so too, which become enmeshed in
nests to catch tuna, but what about the tuna? Is not the life of the tuna also
of importance? This rises a good question, why is one type of creature more
important than another?. Is it because the dolphin is more intelligent than the
tuna? Are there other considerations?
Life is life's greatest gift. Guard
the life of another creature as you would your own because it is your own. On
life's scale of values, the smallest is no less precious to the creature who
owns it than the largest ...
Lloyd Biggle Jr.
There are beetles in some parts of the world in danger of
extinction but who cares? No one! Why? It is most likely because they 're
neither attractive nor perceived as intelligent. This brings up two issues do we
value life only if it is pleasing or intelligent or does size even enter the
equation: how many tiny animals are under threat of extinction? Few would be
able to answer that question because some how it appears not to matter.
Sometimes I think that criteria upon which we value other creatures is apparent
in how we value other human beings also. Often in our society those of us who
are less attractive and less intelligent appear to be of less value.
Anyway back to the lack of respect for all creatures such
really does upset me and I do my best not to harm any creature. It is not from
any religious ideology. I chose the above quote as it reflects my philosophy
over the many years that I have been mindful of the right to life for all
creatures: I fear death and suffering and as a consequence I do not bring
such upon other living beings if at all possible. I am an advocate of the right to life
for all creatures. If you have not already signed the petition concerning the
slaughter of baby seals mentioned previously please consider doing so.
Stop Canada’s Cruel and Senseless Seal Hunt! Petition
You will probably come across links to many similar
campaigns as I include more of my journal, it is a part of the way I am and
although it
like everything else can become a part of my OCD it is nonetheless the real me
underneath the fear driven compulsions and obsessions who really believes in the
right to life of all living beings. I adopt what I believe is an Hindu
philosophy ( if you are Hindu and this is incorrect please clarify) and that is
to avoid killing or harming another creature whenever possible but at the same
time recognising that such may occur from time to time as a consequence of our
own existence, for instance accidentally stepping on an insect or defending ones
self or others from attack.
My brother-in-law has to stay in hospital until his care
package is sorted out by the social services. I wonder how long this misery will
continue. We visited the hospital again today despite the weather and for me it
was a nightmare, there was an awful smell which pervaded the entire ward, a
smell that I could not rid myself of. I had to go home and shower, take a bath
and than shower again and wash my hair for the second time to day and change my
cloths. I feel my coat and handbag are contaminated along with all the cleaning
materials we took along to clean the apartments. I am concerned for the welfare
of my brother-in law but I am simply not up to helping anyone. I cannot sort
through other people's clothing even it if is clean and I freak
out as I did today. Yes I can shower when I get home but when symptoms
become more severe in one situation they also increase in others and the illness
than escalates. I am really so fearful I will eventually not be able to cope at
all and feel so guilty and weak as though I should overcome this powerful
disease that destroys my soul, my very being and makes me behave in ways that I
would rather not.. Yet I cannot, if you do not have OCD you will not know just
how powerful these thoughts are, this battle of the mind is a most difficult
conflict indeed and victory for me is only won with support and determination
which sadly for me is not present at this time weary as I am with life's
continuing trying circumstances. My son pointed out if I had an illnesses that
everyone could see such as the one suffered by a friend that I
e-mail who is in wheelchair with chronic pain I would not for one moment
feel guilty that I could not help another and neither would I be expected to do
so. I want to help him and wish that my OCD would just go away along with the
chronic headaches, migraines and other maladies of misery.
March 3rd
Everything has it's beauty, but not
everyone sees it.
Confucius
It’s snowing again! Yes I still love to see it falling
outside of my window; at this moment, at this hour with the snow falling it's
relatively peaceful notwithstanding the fact that for me personally at this time
as I have said previously it does add another dimension of difficulty to my
present situation. There is less pressure today though as we are not visiting
the hospital. I simply am not up to doing much more now. Often I feel that my
personal suffering is overlooked and I am expected to do far more than most
would and I mean most fit and well people.
At day break the scene from my window is fantastic, the
snow lies thick, the trees across the road in the woods lay heavy with pure
white snow the scene is one of pristine whiteness as of yet unmarred except by
passing traffic as it crawls along the road. As the sun begins to shine a think
white mist develops; the scene is indeed breathtaking. If it were not for the
pressure of my circumstances my husband and I would be out for a walk in the
crisp newly fallen snow, but sadly this pleasure is not to be as once again
there are unfinished matters with my brother-in-law’s apartments. We have to
rush and sort out a couple of things most of which are silly OCD generated type
concerns about the cleanliness of his fridge and other such worrisome and I
would imagine to most, neurotic concerns which cause another very intense hand
washing episode along with a change of cloths when we return home. I now cannot
wear my red coat anywhere else and now only wear it to come here feeling it is
contaminated and would consequently if worn elsewhere contaminate others.
I cannot have it dry cleaned the fear being that during the process it would
contaminate other people’s garments. Moreover I am never really happy that
anything has been decontaminated unless in addition to disinfecting, using
bleach, soap and so on I can rinse it thoroughly in running water. Yes I will
disinfect contaminated areas in my home and so on but never feel comfortable in
cases in which the area cannot be fully cleaned with running water. I really need some help if I am not to become more incapacitated
than I am at present. We are told when we arrived that my brother-in-law is
coming home from hospital this afternoon..
He loves the accommodation which he did not of course
fully appreciate on arrival and I feel some satisfaction but nonetheless rather
taken for granted as we have rushed over there despite the fact that I have only
just got up from lying down after having to take medication for yet another
migraine. I know its all going to worry me sick. I know that it is my
own fault and I drive myself relentlessly and often people think I can function
when in reality this is not the case. It was 4.30 so we did not stay long as it
is Tai chi tonight but as soon as we returned home I ruminated that we did not
stay long enough on his first day out of hospital. If I do not gain control over
this guilt and over responsibility thing what little life I have that is
remotely satisfying will be gone.
I had felt really anxious about getting to Tail chi as we
missed it last week, another guilt trip that has haunted me all week as my
husband is so keen. It is the only thing that he has any real interest in. I
feel so torn trying to fit in with so many people yet sometimes just wanting to
be at home; after all who wouldn’t; how many would want to have to go here
there and everywhere feeling as ill as I often with chronic headaches and
migraine and all the other health problems I have to cope with. Sometimes I
think I need just a little time just to potter about doing nothing much of
anything - well not having any pressure to do things that are so difficult. Of
course to do absolutely nothing much would not be good for someone with OCD. But
it is the constant pressure on me to be well that is making my life difficult.
It is of course pressure that I bring upon myself or so it may seem to the
casual observer but it is a pressure borne of OCD scrupulosity, over
responsibility and overwhelming guilt. I am powerless to ignore it the fear and
guilt driven obsessions and compulsions are indeed just too overwhelming. I
could not go to the cinema, which we had planned to sandwich in between visiting
my brother-in-law’s apartments and getting ready for my son’s mind and body and
spirit fair which I will no doubt explain as it approaches, because of a very
bad headache which as I have said tuned into migraine. Notwithstanding this
valid reason I felt awful, just awful so guilty as though I have let
others down.
Concerning Tail chi, it was really not a good
night. One of the newer instructors required our group to lie on the floor, the
"filthy floor" as I said somewhat irritated by this request that was issued three
times. I suggested to him that not everyone is able to get down on the floor for
various reasons. Mine of course being my OCD but also my joint and muscle pain,
however I did not of course tell him this. Why cannot people just take no for an
answer. I have come to a decision recently: I will not do anything that makes me
uncomfortable unless I wish to do so as part of treatment plan but not to
satisfy others who simply won’t take no for an answer. I was the only one who
spoke up but afterwards I noticed no one else got on the floor which was filthy,
it was not just my OCD aversion to floors in general it was visibly dirty. If I
had not said something the others would have complied. Yes I did nonetheless
feel rather guilty as I did come over as irritated but once some one has
declined a request surely the thing to do so respect that.
March 4th
There are two days in the week about
which and upon which I never worry. Two carefree days, kept sacredly free from
fear and apprehension. One of these days is Yesterday... And the other day I do
not worry about is Tomorrow.
Robert Jones Burdette
Well finally I have something positive to say: we visited
my brother-in-law yesterday and he is really so pleased about his new
apartments. When my husband and I called in to see how he was he had gone out on
a trip, an organised outing to a concert in a nearby town. He was just returning
shortly after we had arrived. All the weeks of worrying that he may not be happy
with his new home now seem unfounded and in retrospect were nothing more than
the taunting of OCD. Other than feeling perhaps a little unused to the new
environment none of the concerns that had haunted me for weeks came to fruition.
Moreover I am beginning to realise that often, albeit unintentionally, I
transfer my feelings upon others and call it empathy. This means I often think
that people feel the same way as I and I think that I feel their pain and suffering however
maybe sometimes it is my own pain and suffering that I experience. In a
similar situation my fear would indeed be overwhelming I have in fact not
reached a stage were I feel that our present house and its location is really
now home and there are still anxieties and the feelings of strangeness
concerning my "new" environment. Also in similar circumstances my social fears
would be overwhelming as of course there is a considerable amount of social
demand in such a place however for my brother-in-law this is a plus and he is a
sociable person and going into the communal dinning room is no more difficult
for him than drawing his next breath. Sometimes however my feelings do manifest
as empathy however not in this case. He is over the moon about his new home,
nonetheless I worry and still feel rather responsible although of course other
than to ask us to contact the TV repair man he seems quite independent to an
extent that actually is a little worrying. I of course continue to worry and the
relief of seeing how happy he was with his apartments did not last long as other
worries settle in. Such as when we arrived his fresh milk was out on the kitchen
work top instead of in the fridge, Such of course will worry me, however, to
fuss about such would irritate him and he will see it as mommy coddling rather
than a symptom of over responsibly due to the fact that I have a considerable
life shattering illness that torments me to distraction and precipitates such
concerns as, will this milk go off and will he become ill as a consequence. He
has never really understood my problems as I rarely talk about them they re only
apparent during moments of panic and he like most people, amazing as it may seem,
very often appears not to notice . It is remarkable how proficient sufferers of OCD
become at hiding their symptoms, explaining bizarre behaviours with all sorts of
reasonably logical excuses. The mind of the OCDer is very adept indeed at
manifesting such subterfuge
Notwithstanding my profound relief concerning
the above circumstances the evening finds me more depressed than of late as
though when the stress becomes less the depression becomes more severe. It
appears that when one is wrapped in ones anxiety quite profoundly the depression
becomes somewhat less apparent however when there is even the
slightest easing of the situation one's depression appears to become more of a
problem and is deeper and more pervasive..
March 6th
I see it all perfectly; there
are two possible situations--one can either do this or that. My honest opinion
and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it--you will regret both.
Søren Kierkegaard
The Mind Body and Spirit fair mentioned earlier was really a failure and
my son made only £1 profit after expenses. Few people came along and those that
did were really only interested in the therapy sections, the clairvoyants and
aura photography. My son is trying to sell his artwork to support himself and he
had hoped to sell his more new age oriented work at this fair. It had been my
idea as we have visited many similar fairs before but only in London and the
Southeast were they have always been busy and by lunch time most of these had
been packed with people. But unfortunately not here despite a large number of
guests to the hotel venue for Mothering Sunday lunch hardly anyone came into the
Mind Body and Spirit fair. It was however not promoted very well at all, there
was no advertising prominently placed anywhere inside the hotel or along the
main road. Perhaps simply people here are not as involved in such as they are in
the South of England. Yet again I felt that stab of regret, that pain that our
actions in moving here have damaged my son's prospects, had we still lived in
the south east and he had had a stall in one of the venues there he would have
been considerably more successful.
On the more positive side my brother-in-law rang today clearly
still excited about his new home making me feel as though perhaps I did do
something right for someone - at least for now as with the doubts and the catastrophizing common to people who suffer as I there is always some concern as
frightening scenarios of possible consequences present an unremitting round of
worrying scenarios. I sense perhaps he was a little lonely but again of course
this may simply be my transferring feelings that I know I would have in his
position. Nonetheless it worries me through the evening and is amongst that
thoughts that plague my mind prior to dropping off into another exhausted sleep.
Also such worrying thoughts included anxious fears concerning what I believe is
a sleep problem of some kind. Last night I woke unable to breathe, a
terrifying experience that happens from time to time but which was really
significant last night as I felt it took ages to gasp for breathe although it
must have only been seconds. Nonetheless it was indeed terrifying and naturally
this was on my mind when I went to bed last night adding another worrying aspect
to my anxieties concerning sleeping.
March 7th
I am really despondent this morning feeling once again so
overwhelmed by my circumstances or at least my OCD mind is making me feel
overwhelmed by my circumstances. There are of course times when it is difficult
to differentiate when what I am feeling or thinking is part of my normal persona
or the OCD aspect. I feel as though I want to cry yet I cannot as just one tear
even will bring on a headache or enhance the one that I already have which was
precipitated by becoming tearful earlier this morning. I have so many
commitments that I cannot take time out to be ill. Is it not bad enough that I
have so many illnesses without this pressure to be well. The entire weekend was
given over to helping my son, this morning its another trip out again for
someone else, to morrow the same and again on Thursday and really indeed
throughout the entire week. But do I feel pressured in a rational way or is it
my over responsibility OCD telling me that it would be a devastating tragedy if
I said no! I would really like a little time to do what I want to do. But no if
I did than I would not be happy as I would be tortured by intrusive thoughts of
guilt. To day I am worrying about my brother-in-law: is he lonely, does he feel
neglected, should we go round there to see if he needs anything? Yet I
have responsibilities to other family members and would feel guilty if I
neglected those and I am in the situation were I feel dammed if I do but dammed
if I do not; whatever decision I make today it will not be the right one and I
will ruminate and feel that I should have done differently. Such thoughts
pervade the things that I try to do to gain some satisfaction for myself.
Yet sometimes I believe that even such desires to do
something I like are OCD
driven and are in fact attempts to make me feel as though I have done something
useful and satisfying. I have noticed an anxiety in this regard, fearing
depression if I have not done something that I feel has bought me some sense of
positive achievement. Yet no matter what I do there is always a void and empty
feeling of profound dissatisfaction no matter how long I have worked at
something or how difficult it has been that emptiness remains. I find little
satisfaction in anything and such feelings are made more pronounced if I am
riddled with guilt because of a perceived neglect on my part.
I am so tried and depressed feeling downcast under this
heavy malaise the relief from which I am becoming so afraid will never happen as I
see no way out of the torment that my mind continues to inflict year after
agonising year. Cognitive behavioural therapy CBT may asset me to gain some insight
and find a more rational way of coping with my conflicts but I cannot get this
treatment under the NHS, there is a shortage of therapists right now and I
understand this. But I get the impression that my case is considered hopeless
having previously had extensive treatment under the NHS however I have never had CBT under
a NHS psychologist. Furthermore I feel that although I agree that I am perhaps
a hopeless case inasmuch my OCD will never be eradicated I do consider that I
could gain perhaps a little improvement and be more able to make more rational
decisions about such matters as those mentioned above instead of the OCD driven decisions that invariably
leave me feeling guilty, depressed and tormented regardless of what ever I
decide to do in any given situation.
Today I would simply like to do my own thing
without a care in the world, but such at the juncture in my life is impossible.
March 8th.
Today was the first time that we went out with my
brother-in-law and yes I felt pleased that he enjoyed this short outing, a ride
around some of the scenic areas of in the locality. In the last eighteen months
he has hardly left his home since suffering the serious accident already
mentioned. For me however it was traumatic, I had a headache and was so afraid
it would turn into a migraine. I have had a sudden worsening of headache
symptoms and migraine recently. Today the headache came on quite early, they
seem to me as if they come whenever I have a commitment such as the one I have
today. The same happened yesterday when we went to the cinema: I had only just
got into the car when there it was it was so bad, I thought it was migraine. Not
wishing to spoil it for the rest of the family I went anyway the guilt would
have made me so depressed if I had not and besides I was not sure at this
juncture if it was migraine, nonetheless it developed into a severe headache.
This has happened several times and I have gone home after driving all the way
there and it has eased off on the way home!!!!! Unbelievable! So this time I
stuck it out a dreadful experience as it was quite a significant headache.
This is not an unusual occurrence either, this happens time and time again. I
am out miles away from home and in some considerable pain but unless the
headache becomes a migraine I feel compelled to stick it out .But I just want
to go home after all who would not, who really wants to be out and about feeling
so ill and afraid. Yet If I give in the guilt and self recrimination would be
devastating. It is such incidents that make me feel so victimised by the whole
universe as at times it seems as though my headaches are planned to coincide
with something I feel compelled to do usually for others and the whole complex
scenario becomes an obsession. Whenever I have an appointment I worry that I
will get a headache, it is even more worrying if the appointment is for my
husband or son such
as a hospital appointment for example. I can't be left at home alone and let
them go without me so somehow I have to try and get there and it I so
frightening , they do not know how frightening it is and neither does anyone
else for that matter. I am trapped by this awful situation because of this
conflict between my physical and mental illnesses.
No one understands what these headaches are like or how
they have become enmeshed within my OCD and activate frightening
scenarios.. Unless you suffer in a similar way it is difficult to understand how
I am tormented beyond belief so much so I wanted to cry and never stop I even
had the compulsive urge to harm myself somehow just to mitigate the pain. Not
since childhood have such urges come upon me and even than they were not so
obviously motivated by fear, frustration and hopeless. For instance with taking
my bother-in-law out yesterday with a headache I was tormented by such
possibilities as: what would happen if the car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and the headache becomes a migraine how would I cope with the unbearable
pain. Every new twinge of pain, even the slightest pain heightens the possibility
and my fear of the headache becoming worse grew as a consequence. The winding
trip on a rough road leading through the forest which had been signed as having
snow and ice and as such not being passable added a new tension.. Yes it looked
okay it was obvious that the sign had simply not been removed but after our
recent experience in the Yorkshire dales I was naturally anxious. The fact that
my husband would not pay the toll fee did not help matters either. And so it
went on one panic after another and accept on a couple of occasions such
panics were of necessity internal: mostly the others are oblivious to my fear
and misery even when I am openly distressed.. Its cold and my husband takes a
short cut, we get lost - more fear .
When we arrive at a pub for a drink I worry: should my
bother in law really be drinking on all the meds he needs to take, if he does
and harm comes it will be my fault. Than he goes to the toilet: will he slip and
bang his head, will there be another dash to the nearest hospital, I get my
husband to check he is okay. I know my brother-in-law will not like it, he is so
independent but he has to understand it is not mommy coddling its just my OCD.
Worry worry worry, and so it goes on one worry upon another over and over. Than
I have my usual public toilet rituals, paper on the seat, which today falls on the
floor which than precipitates the compulsion to pick it up and wipe the floor
using tissues and hot water as
the floor has now become contaminated by the tissue which was contaminated by
being laid on the toilet seat. (Using tissues and hot water is the best I can do
in a public place were nothing else is available, I cannot even use soap as an
intrusive scenario presents itself that the residues from the soap might have a
chemical reaction with whatever the cleaner uses to clean the floor. This is a
typical OCD conflict a dilemma I face very often when obsessions and compulsions
oppose one another) The floor therefore is now contaminated by he
toilet seat and anyone walking on it ( unlikely unless they are a contortionist
nonetheless the anxiety remains) will contaminate their shoes and consequently
go on to contaminate just about anything and everything to infinite proportions
and of course this will be my responsibility and my fault. Superstitious
thinking is also present; so it's not just the spread of disease to cause harm
but also the fear that my neglect will in a superstitious way cause harm to
myself or others I care about and I cannot therefore ignore this concern on this
occasion any more than any other. Sometimes I swear one of those oaths mentioned
earlier and in
my story and
my
memoir
to try and cancel out this
compulsion if it is awkward to decontaminate because someone else has entered
the ladies room. But no not today I carry out this compulsion but have to do so,
as on all occasions, very carefully, mindful not to contaminate myself by
contact with the toilet. I have to be careful when bending down because of my
long hair which if it touches the toilet seat would result in me not only
washing my hair but also my cloths and I would have to leave the pub without my
coat as of course I cannot wash my coat. It is a bitterly cold day so this would
be just awful and would of course look odd to others. Than there is the
hand washing and tap washing and the anxiety of working out how to open the door
without becoming re-contaminated by the many people who to my horror do not wash
their hands after using the toilet.
To make matters worse the music in the pub
nearly drove me crazy at least my brother-in-law could empathise and we had a
good moan. Well as I mentioned before he did so enjoy this trip out and I do so
want to help him and wish that I was better able to do so
March 9th
When I survey my past life, I
discover nothing but a barren waste of time, with disorders of the mind very
near to madness.
Samuel Johnson
Sometimes I cringe at the very thought of revealing so much
of myself so publicly however the chances of anyone recognising who I am much
less care are remote, nonetheless thinking about it all can be very unsettling
indeed. But the idea of this journal along with my memoir:
Demons of the Mind: A memoir of an
obsessive–compulsive
is an attempt to try and increase public awareness
and understanding concerning the plight of the sufferer of OCD. I feel a
considerable inclination – I am trying to avoid the word compulsion here but I
guess that is precisely what it is, a compulsion to explain in great detail the
nature of my condition in an attempt to try and make people feel more empathic
towards the miserable existence that is our lot in life. No this is not to gain
any sympathy, although of course such would be nice from time to time as there
is nothing wrong with sympathy as such makes one feel that others do care, but
rather to gain some understanding and acceptance by society concerning the
mature of this malady from which we suffer; this incredibly life consuming
illness that pervades every single aspect of our being.
It is not merely a matter of the sufferer washing his or
her hands and being clean and that’s it! Many people observe such behaviours and
think or even say: "oh how nice that some people are so clean", "what’s wrong
with being clean"? I have lost count of how many times I had such things said to
me. Yes you can really believe me that OCD is often seen that way, as a virtue
and few understand the incredible suffering that goes on behind these compulsive
behaviours and no one appreciates the time consumed by such obsessions and their
consequent compulsions as they erode away ones precious existence. Few realise
the time it takes to perform such decontamination rituals or understand that we
would really rather do something more useful, more satisfying and pleasurable.
Moreover few understand the fear that generates the compulsions ignited by the
tormenting intrusive obsessive thoughts that plague the mind of the unfortunate
sufferer encroaching upon every aspect of the sufferer’s life leaving behind no
sanctuary in which to retreat. There is no holiday away from one's worries for
the OCD sufferer or indeed for anyone with an anxiety disorder, there is no
escape from ones own mind, there is no where you can go no matter where in the
world you are, even if it were possible to travel the entire universe there
would never be any freedom from the incessant misery, no there is never any
peace sometimes not even in ones dreams.
Many also seem not to realise the fear
experienced by sufferers of losing ones mind, ones sanity and ones identity or
what it is like to be stigmatised by society, such stigma adding greatly to the trauma and
loneliness brought about by this illness, Furthermore generally speaking few are
aware of the identity crises which occurs as the sufferer becomes confused as to
which thoughts and actions are his or hers and which are the result of OCD After
many years of suffering I no longer know who I am, who the real person is behind
the OCD.
Furthermore I want to increase awareness of some of the
lesser know manifestations of OCD and the nature of the thoughts that are behind
the compulsions: Sufferers do not wash their hands over and over again and again
until they bleed because it is the hygienic thing to do or because we like being
clean. No we comply with such compulsive urges because we are tormented by
terrifying thoughts of harm coming to ourselves, to others and in my case even
to other creatures. Than there are the types of OCD that are not often spoken
of; the reason for this of course may be because sufferers are afraid to admit
to behaviours that for the most part would not be acceptable to non sufferers
and may even be considered totally bizarre or insane.
Most people more or less see some logic in washing and
checking after all most people have some little quirks in this regard, some
slight over the top compulsions and obsessions or aversions when it comes to
hygiene. For instance a significant number of people are slightly uneasy using a
public toilet, quite a few of my normal acquaintances will put paper on the seat
before sitting on it. A good number of others will check the doors and windows
perhaps more than once before leaving the house. Therefore there may be some
small degree of understanding by people generally concerning these seemingly
more logical OCD behaviours even if the motivation for such actions by the
sufferer, particularly with contamination compulsions, may not necessarily have
the same rational motivation behind them as the non sufferer. Few however
understand what it is like to have religious obsessions and compulsions, to be
plagued with blasphemous thoughts and to be bound by a strange ascetic type
lifestyle because of terrifying OCD generated thoughts and superstitious beliefs
taken to extremes. Generally people have no idea what it is like to be plagued
by sexual thoughts or thoughts of harming or indeed any other abhorrent thought
that goes against ones nature as is the case for so many OCD sufferers Few
understand the fear behind thoughts that lead one to think that every time that
certain intrusive thoughts occur, thoughts that the sufferer cannot control,
that someone will die as a result. Few understand the fear of throwing away
seemingly useless items, which pile up cluttering ones home along with the
fearful thoughts that clutter one’s mind. Few really understand what it is like
to see life pass by while one stands on the periphery of existence feeling as
though one is merely an observer of life as it unfolds, a life of which one is
unable to partake.
March 10th
The torment of human frustration,
whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its
vital force and "mangled mind" leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict
Elizabeth Drew
A pervasive depression has settled upon me, it comes so
easily now ignited by the smallest of unsatisfactory occurrences or
undertakings. It is OCD fuelled by an intensive hour or more ruminating about
the simplest of actions analysing and contemplating a task that others would not
spend such an inordinate amount of time upon. I do not wish to be that specific,
to do so would be tedious and boring to the reader and send me off on a tangent
of rambling long winded explanations to make sure every detail is clearly
understood, such of course is another manifestation of my OCD. I will simply say
that this action involves instruction that deep down under the turmoil of OCD
doubts I know that I understand but nonetheless obsesses over. The outcome of
getting it wrong of course is not world shattering but may cost a small
insignificant amount of money to another but even so I know that I understand
the instructions but it is several hours before I feel less anxious and finally
carry out the task. This is also what OCD is all about not just the well know
cleanliness or checking obsessions and compulsions neither of which are always
fully understood by the non sufferer anyway.
Checking compulsions do not just apply to doors, windows
and other obvious presentations. For me and most other OCDers it applies also to
a vast array of daily tasks such as writing this journal: I will check this over
and over more times than I would care to admit, the same goes for any written
document whether it is a long important letter, an e-mail, a form or even a
short greeting on a card. I check for fear that I have written something harmful
or offensive or simply to make sure that it is spelled correctly and the grammar
is as accurate as my ability and understanding allow. I have a problem with
making mistakes and consider that I may have ADD. I was the child at school who
always had red ink scattered all over my written work highlighting mistakes
along with remarks such as: careless spelling, careless mistakes, not paying
enough attention to accuracy and so on. This of course is correct or was and
still is to some degree for as you will no doubt notice my writing often
contains errors even though I have checked it over and over. I cringed over my
memoir when recently re reading here and there as I was printing out a
hard copy; yet I have checked it countless times during the course of writing it
over ten years. Yet errors remain, silly errors the kind the teacher would have
highlighted with red ink! Why did I not notice them? I have no idea, perhaps
it's an ADD thing. It appears as though my brain simply fails to see the
mistakes even though I read and check more times than the non sufferer would.
Whatever the reason this tendency towards inaccuracy fuels this type of checking
obsession. To
alter the entire document would be exhausting and I doubt I would in any case
eradicate all errors so I have to try and resign myself that in this instance
this piece of writing will remain imperfect. And besides if I commence re-reading the entire book I will be plagued with doubts wondering if I have done
the right thing by publishing it on the net, much the same way that I am plagued
with doubts whenever I write anything including these entries. My memoir is
rather negative overall but it is my life in it’s entirety and the intention of
writing it down has been to increase awareness of the life shattering
consequences of suffering with OCD and also to make sufferers feel less alone.
Notwithstanding my good intentions I worry.
Checking instructions which if not followed accurately
may affect others adversely is the problem that faced me this morning. I
ruminated upon the accuracy of these instructions and check again and again
worrying, fearful, riddled with guilt should I inadvertently course harm even
though that tiny inner voice of reason knows differently. Every morning I have a
battle with something, the mind presents some ruminative anxiety, it is always
generated by my OCD and the way I cope with it or not effects my entire day. The
fact that a whole hour of my precious life was wasted in this fruitless
rumination and inactivity as a consequence produced profound depression which
leaked its way into my entire day. I carry out the instructions but it is
several hours before I actually complete the task to its conclusion, my mind
turning back to this concern over and over even feeling guilty that all the
procrastination in itself my be causing harm. No you can't win with OCD you are
often dammed it you do and dammed it you do not, that is the insidious nature of
this inner tormenter. Moreover once such anxieties take hold they escalate
spawning other obsessions and compulsions.
Although not connected the proceeding worries nonetheless
may have sparked an anxiety provoked cleaning spree. A most difficult endeavour
as once I start it goes on and on and all the hand washing between cleaning this
or that and urges to shower and change my cloths is frustratingly
miserable to say the least. Oftentimes I
prefer to avoid areas of my home rather than keep cleaning as one thing leads to
another in a never ending chain reaction of frustrating compulsions fuelled by
fear of harming others but resulting in profound depression concerning the waste
of time. I had to change by blouse only a few minutes after putting it on!
You cannot image what it is like, your life is not your own driven relentlessly
by forces beyond your control. And even feeling guilty that I cannot control
these compulsions brings further anxiety, for indeed I know that my OCD in
itself causes
harm, it effects my family in ways too numerous to mention. Again it is a dammed
if you do dammed it you do not situation. But there is no way of refusing to
comply, at least not for me, as my OCD is indeed most powerful and without
tremendous effort and on going support I have little hope of negating its effect
upon my life at this juncture.
Indeed after the ensuing stress generated by the
aforementioned obsessions and compulsions I am less capable of settling down to
those activities that mitigate the awful intrusive and worrying thoughts that
plague me over and over along with their accompanying compulsions.
The day finishes with an irritating evening at Tai Chi.
Contamination concerns present themselves in the form worrying patches of water
on the toilet floor which result in the disinfection of my Tai Chi slippers
along with careful avoiding rituals to not allow the bottom of my shoes to come
into contact with the rest of my clothing. The new trend by the instructors to
want to do exercises of which those of us in the group who have joint or muscle
problems or indeed any illness are not physically up to causes increasing anger
and depression and results in my complaining all night.. One good thing though
the friend that we thought was snubbing us invited us over once again for our
regular Friday evening chat. She had not done so now for a number of weeks and I
of course with my usual paranoia considered that this was because she really did
not like me. Sadly I tend to think that people do not like me, this delusional
type of thinking has been a problem for a number of year, in fact all my life.
Well after checking this several times yesterday and
today I will now publish although no doubt it will be checked yet again after
publication to the net as I sadly do from time to time. All this checking is one
of the reasons why my entries are rarely published on the day that I write them.
March 11th
This morning 3.30 I awoke with another migraine! This is
the third in succession this week and the forth since Sunday. Each morning for
the last three days in the early hours I have woken to this appalling pain at
2am, 3am and 3.30, after taking my medication I have of course not been able to
go back to sleep. It has been exhausting and it if were not for my meds I
would be completely incapacitated and unable to have any kind of quality of
life. I would either be in dreadful pain or living in fear and anticipation of
the next attack. Every week I get at least one attack but mostly two
but there are sudden patches when I can get as many as nine in a fortnight. I
can’t imagine what my life would be like if I had no medication to relieve the
pain as was the case when my migraine first started many years ago, however they
were not as frequent as they are nowadays. I live in fear of my medication not
working for some reason or another or that I might not be able to obtain it or
any number of less illogical scenarios. I am so afraid of not having my
medication with me at all times that I carry it everywhere in my handbag
never letting it out of my sight not even to put it in the back of the car as I
have explained in a previous entry. Spates like this really frighten me and
after two are three consecutive attacks I am afraid to go to bed wondering if I
will wake with another. The pain is just shocking I can’t imagine how I would
bear it if it were not for my medications. In addition I have to contend with some kind
of tension headache everyday sometimes they are slight and of short duration,
other times they are severe, last hours and cannot be so easily mitigated by
medication.
Often after a migraine I am of course left with
the tension headache as sometimes both are present and my medication does not work for
the tension headaches but I can, except in very severe attacks, cope with this
and yesterday we went for a welcome respite for a drive through the Yorkshire
dales and saw our first cute spring lambs, one a mountain sheep an adorable
creature the other a sweet more delicate lamb which looked so fragile. It is a
treat to see these beautiful creatures but I do feel a pang of anxiety and
sadness for them. The weather was bitterly cold and showers of rain and hail
occurred intermittently and I worried how these vulnerable creatures would
survive.
Despite my sensitivity in this regard which causes me
sadness today I did feel that I was lucky in some ways to live so close to such
places of natural beauty; wild places where notwithstanding such anxious
thoughts about animals I feel some modicum of peace. I would of course love to
live in the Yorkshire Dales in one of the lovely little villages were it is so
peaceful and quiet surrounded by beautiful hills, fast flowing streams and
rivers. It would be a joy indeed to wake in the morning to the sound of the
wind, the bleating of sheep and yes even awake to being snowed in as was the
case for many in the region recently. Crazy person I know but I would just love to live in one of
those lovely old stone cottages right in the middle of nowhere with the wind
howling and snow falling thick and fast.
However a reality check is needed here as of course with
OCD even this bizarre idyll would in any case never be even if it were possible
in any real sense (which for various reasons mostly financial it is not) my mind
of course would find something to break the peace: most likely I would fret
about the sheep and how they would survive the snow, I would worry about getting
ill and not getting to a hospital. These of course are for me perhaps the more
sensible scenarios but I am sure that OCD would introduce any number of
interesting variations mostly less rational but just as frightening to ruin
this as it does any moment of peace within my life. It is true, this is no
exaggeration, self pity or irrational negativity, it is a FACT. If you have OCD
it will try and destroy everything in your life, it is as though it has a life
of its own as it focuses on your entire personality, homing in on your likes and
dislikes. What ever makes you happy, satisfied, fulfilled or whatever it will
attack and present intrusive thoughts obsessions and compulsions that highlight
this aspect of your life and indeed every single positive aspect of your life
and try to destroy it. That is why there are so may variations amongst
sufferers: lifestyle, religious belief, ethnic origins, our hopes, ambitions,
interests, and so on the list is endless and unique to each one of us, all
effect the type of OCD the individual suffers. It is an insidious illness, it’s
pervasive, eroding your life if you allow it to. You have to be on the alert at
all times as it makes incursions on every facet of your existence. I have fought it many
times and have won or at least mitigated it's effects for a while, but one has to remain vigilant ever watchful during
moments of stress and tragedy within our lives because OCD is there waiting
until you are vulnerable to once again wage war upon your psyche.
At the moment it is a hard battle for me and I am not
winning and feel so overwhelmed but despite all the negative entries I do try to
occupy myself as intensively as possible, the more intensely the better such can
help the intrusive thoughts to some degree depending on severity. But it is
such a battle and without experienced help and support it is one that alone is
difficult to fight. Anyone reading this please do not be discouraged your OCD
can get better I am going trough a very difficult time right now and my own OCD
is getting progressively worse but this does not happen to everyone; as with any
illness there are varying degrees. I was born when the condition was not well
understood and when less help was available and it is now quite entrenched. This
journal needs to reflect my situation otherwise it is nothing more than creative
writing and an untruth and as a sufferer of OCD scrupulosity I could not
tolerate such simply to add some positivity. There are plenty of positive things
on my website but my journal and also my
memoir
reflect as accurately possible
what life was like and continues to be like for me as a sufferer of quite severe and mostly intractable OCD.
As I have said at the close of my memoir I hope that in a
way that my failure to attain any lasting improvement may in fact motivate
others to be more vigilant against recurrences and situations that will
accelerate the worsening of symptoms. I hope my openness about my illness albeit
negative will help others to identify pit falls along the way to improvement and
dare I say recovery and maintenance of such.
March13th
I really feel quite guilty today, it is Sunday the only
day for a couple of weeks that I have had no pressure or at least it appears
from the perspective of an observer that I have no pressure. True there is no
where I am compelled to go and it appears that for all intents and purposes it
is a relaxing day with nothing much to occupy my attention other than vegging
out on the sofa to watch TV. I crave for moments like this longing for some calm
in the storm of obligations mainly borne from OCD
over-responsibility and other
obsessive-compulsive motivations. Albeit few and far between when these quieter
moments do come do you think I can enjoy the peace and calm? No. No Way! Not
with OCD it will always find a loop-hole, some little niche to invade such times
of relative normality.
Today the worrying presentation is my Brother-in-law. I
feel a depression borne from pervasive guilt, it is Sunday, a day when people
who live alone feel more lonely. Their loneliness is accentuated by the
fact that others are with friends or family either to spend the day and have
lunch or tea or go out and about. Such is more noticeable in the situation in
which my brother-in law lives, as he will be aware of the activities of the
other tenets. I feel as though we should either have gone to see him, invited
him for lunch or gone out and about. But I am exhausted after last week as I am
exhausted after every single week as there are of course always problems. Also
the coming week is shaping up for more of the same so I felt I needed this
respite, which of course I did not get as I was tormented with guilt all day.
Moreover in the afternoon a feeling rather like a low key
existential anxiety settles in, not as overwhelming perhaps as it is on most other occasions, but
nonetheless upsetting, needling away in the back ground bringing with it that
sinking free floating sensation of anxiety of which those of us who suffer with
anxiety disorders are only too familiar. The activates of the afternoon
or rather the lack of activities brings an unsettling feeling of unease and a
reminder of the unhappiness that has filled my life as anxious thoughts centre
upon the impermanence of existence, the passing of so many years filled with a
wasted life spent involved in OCD and the realisation that it is unlikely that I
will ever truly be happy or have any kind of satisfactory life now that I am
rapidly approaching old age.
The afternoon brings also an exhausting compulsion
concerned with reading and involves the superstitious avoidance of a certain
number. I am readying a most interesting book and really want to finish, it will
be the first completed book in a long time. The problem occurs when I reach the
chapter of the number that I avoid. Now the anxiety here with reading is that I
think something bad will happen if I have to bookmark my book in the middle of
this chapter, the whole chapter has to be read and also the proceeding and
following chapters all in one session. This can be exhausting if the chapters
are long, therefore I have many books abandoned before reaching this chapter. It
is a frustrating OCD symptom and is one that I have fought and won and than lost
over and over throughout the many years that my reading has been spoiled by
this superstitious obsession and compulsion. It has caused me great unhappiness
and frustration. I cannot defect it and have had to try and live round it in the
way described which is far from ideal and has significantly spoiled my pleasure
of reading.
March 14th.
Here I am at 5.30am colouring my hair a traumatic
procedure filled with OCD behaviours and other anxieties concerning the safety
of such products. My son said the other day: “why don’t you colour it another
colour, a lighter colour”?, he is obviously anxious as black is the most toxic
of all the range of colours. Yes I am mildly concerned with the thought that it
could be harmful and I consider that the warnings concerning the possibility of
lymphoma are valid and this consideration crops up from time to time but not to
any great extent, no more than the consideration that at my age this very dark
colour with such a pale complexion just doesn’t quite look so good anymore. Now
many non-suffers often consider that because an OCDer is afraid of germs or is
traumatised and incapacitated by merely a thought or whatever that he or she
never takes chances. This however is not the case.
Nevertheless concerning hair dye and other chemicals, there is
fear but not for my own welfare but the welfare of other beings. Yes as I have
said in
My Story
such anxieties over disposing of the remains of unused colour brings concerns
that some creature or another will die as a result of my throwing away the empty
bottles which are of course taken to the garbage dump. I do not throw away the
empty bottles and stuff them into a cupboard but just in case someone else throws
them away, which invariably happens after a while, I have to rinse out all the
bottles, it is tenacious stuff and this takes some time. Colouring my hair
precipitates numerous de-contaminating rituals and avoidance to take care not to
allow even a molecule of the substance to come into contact with anything other
than my hair. The same also goes with the skin test, an anxious time when I have
to place a small amount of the product between my elbow for forty-eight hours. I
keep it well covered even though you are supposed to let the air get to it. The
whole process generates so much hand washing that my hands now as I write this
are stiff with dryness, the skin like parchment, dry and taunt. The whole
procedure involved galleons of water to rinse clear, this took several attempts
and three towels. One of the towels came into contact with the remains of the
patch test still on my arm which sometimes has to be scrubbed with scouring
cream to remove. The towel is discarded even though I have only just taken it
from the cupboard All residue of colour has to be removed and I have used a
Brillo pad on occasions of high anxiety to remove stubborn stains from my head,
no not because it looks just awful but because if I do not I fear contaminating
and harming others. Yes every particle has to be removed. One time I hurt my
back; the pain lasted for several days because of bending down over the bath for
so long to rinse my hair. For several hours afterwards my right arm ached from
the strain of holding the shampoo shower
attachment.
Today the sun shone although it was cold there was that
feeling of spring in the air, the sunshine had a different feel to it. I do not know
if anyone else who lives in colder climates notices that the winter sun does not have
the same capacity to make one feel somewhat better or at least give one more
hope as does the sunshine in spring and summer. Today there was that feeling of
hope in the air, at least for a few short hours. Sadly though such hope often
times brings on despondency and regret: the sun is shinning and there
are plenty of beautiful places to visit and I have a strong impulsive to visit
them to enjoy fully this
feeling of hope which comes with the arrival of spring but deep down inside I
know such feelings will of course never
quite be and are at best only fleeting. Fear resulting from my OCD will always be there marring such moments.
Sorry to add a negativity but as I have said I really want this blog to reflect
what my life is like right now here today and sadly these are the type of
thoughts which present themselves.
However to add a little interest and a break from all my
complaining I would like to share with you a few photographs taken by my husband
of all the lovely snow which, although caused me some sadness as already
mentioned, transformed our local scenery into some breathtaking white
Christmas card style landscapes.
Click on image to view larger
version which will open in a new window.
And finally a reminder that spring is almost here
March 15th
We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts"
Buddha
This morning I feel the beginning of a real
increase in my contamination OCD. However as my symptoms are now so complex and
so enmeshed that such an increase of course will result in a general escalation
in all my OCD manifestations. Now the simple task of opening the blinds each
morning is for me an enormous undertaking and this morning as I watch the first
light of day peeping throw a chink between the blinds and the window I feel that
inner groan, an all to familiar sinking feeling. This simple task often brings a
session of hand washing. All the blinds in the house I feel are contaminated
with legionnaires disease which according to my understanding is caused by
becoming exposed to and the ingestion of stagnant water and one of the most
common ways to contract this illness is by ingesting water from a radiator. I am
aware of the fact that some less mindful plumbers have become contaminated after
working with radiators and than eating without washing their hands.
The radiator in the kitchen is leaking or at least it has
in the past and the same also in the bathroom so these two windows over the
radiators are an area of anxiety for me and in particular the cord which dangles
from the blinds which I feel may have come into close contact with the radiator
control which is close by the leak. So each time I open the blinds I need to
wash my hands as quickly as possible being careful not to touch anything else.
After washing my hands I than have to wash the taps otherwise residues from my
hands will remain on the taps and when I turn them off I will become
re-contaminated. Now this morning I accidentally touched my nightdress before
reaching the sink to wash my hands but instead of changing immediately I cover
it up with my dressing gown as it was just too early to shower. There is no
heating at these early hours of the morning and the thought of washing in the
cold feeling as miserable as I do is simply not an option. Now later on when I came to select
my cloths for the day I forgot about this and select my cloths from the
wardrobe. Although I am certain I did not touch my nightdress I immediately had
the thought that my newly
selected cloths were contaminated, I just did not know what to do. I had no
other cloths except ones that were really very wrinkled and needed ironing. (Yes
often I wear my cloths un-ironed and indeed these cloths that I had selected had
not been ironed, it is simply too stressful for me to iron them.) But the only
other cloths that I had were
really quite badly creased thick cotton and I would feel irritated wearing them
close to my skin. And it would have been a nightmare to try and iron them and
avoid contaminating them. So I swore one of those oaths/vows that I mentioned in
an earlier entry, also see
My Story, to
wear these cloths. No this is not an easy way to cope with my contamination
issues for such now rarely works and can set off other problems: If I do this too
often the oaths/vows start presenting themselves of their own volition and I end
up compelled to do things I do not want to do and often the two types of OCD
conflict one with another and I become hopelessly enmeshed in a terrible
dilemma.
No the oath did not work as the compulsion to discard my
clean cloths and select others was strong. So in desperation I use a
desensitisation tactic learnt during my stay in hospital some years ago and
contaminate some of my things such as other cloths, books and so on by touching
them with these cloths thus contaminating them. If I do this enough times,
contaminating enough things in my environment I will be so overwhelmed and
flooded with anxiety that the original compulsion becomes null and void and it
has less power over me and I may than with difficulty ignore it. It appeared to
work for a time as it has done in the past but I am afraid this tactic can
backfire and make the situation much worse so I rarely use it. It is a way to
cope, but only if you have support from others to carry it through otherwise
matters could be made worse in a way I am sure is obvious and needs little
explaining. Both my husband and son were still in bed so I faced this alone and in any case neither
really understands: I think that over the years my husband has actually forgotten
the intricate details of my OCD and my son has no knowledge of this bizarre
kind of OCD and would think I was crazy!. As I would imagine that anyone reading
this will also if they do not suffer from OCD. And indeed fellow sufferers who
suffer in a different way may think me crazy also. This is one of the reasons OCD
can be so lonely.
More washing compulsions follow in the bathroom as a
result of my having coloured my hair yesterday. I have the notion the water is
still discoloured as I watch the remaining trickle flow down the plug-hole after
washing and conditioning my hair. I feel the compulsion to wash again and this
time I comply with this compulsion exhausted and irritated by the dilemmas
previously described. It will probably be a number of days before I am convinced
that all the residue hair colorant has been removed. We are supposed to be going
out today into the country and I would be very anxious that I may poison someone
or some creature if a residue of hair colour remains, imaging that just one
molecule falling from my hair will cause harm. Unlikely, the normal person would
think, such a ridiculous notion, and logic agrees yet the thought comes over
and over. I cannot rid myself of this intrusive thought, the possibility of
harming is so real and to silence this persistent tormenter I will wash my hair
again.
March 16th
Doubts are more cruel than the worst truths.
Moliere
Today I have too people coming to my home: one to fix the
boiler the other to look at problems with damp in our bedroom. All week this has
been driving me crazy! It is the third time the engineer has been to fix the
boiler and the second time the builder has been to look at our damp problem. The
anxiety is just awful .Although for the most part my husband attends to most of
the social interactions I have to make the tea or coffee and such causes some
anxieties as I do not like to have to make drinks or prepare food for others,
particularly strangers. I worry that if the cups and spoons and so on are not
clean and the tea or coffee is not fresh that I will cause harm. Of course I
know the tea and coffee are fresh but does knowing this effect the way I react
to intrusive thoughts that tell me otherwise? Indeed no, as there is always some
doubt, doubts which the OCD tormenter makes to seem most plausible. I have to
thoroughly wash all eating and drinking utensils even though they are, from a
non OCD perspective, already clean as they have been stacked in the cupboard.
Nonetheless I will scrub them out and scold them over and over in boiling water.
This a small task I guess compared to some of my more lengthy OCD
decontamination rituals. However it is all the proceeding anxieties and the
thought that I have to carry out this ridiculous performance every time anyone
comes to the house that makes me feel so sick at heart as yet again I waste my
precious existence doing things which I know, albeit on a very small level, are
silly and unnecessary. But the OCD is just too powerful and is not subdued
easily.
Moreover it is as you can imagine difficult to have
anyone come into my home. One worry is footwear that has obviously picked
up dirt from the street. I imagine all kinds of worrying contaminants such as
dog mess, chemicals, including petrol often found even on the pavements, and all
manner of unidentifiable substances that stain the footpaths in our cites, towns
and villages. If someone is coming to stay I will ask that they remove their
shoes, however I feel awkward asking the occasional visitor such as work men to
remove their footwear. So this adds a new dimension of anxiety however If I do
not know where the person has been I do not worry quite so much. However if we
have a visitor to stay who will be here there and everywhere and I will also
know where they have walked if we go out together I have to insist that all
footwear is removed at the door. I often think how great it would be if everyone
adopted the custom of the Japanese who remove all footwear before entering their
homes. After all my concerns in this regard are valid are they not, why is it
that people can't see that.
I am struggling to publish the last couple of entries or
so, I have read them over and over and can't quite get them right. If I check
them again I will go crazy! Such is the nature of the OCD monster this
unrelenting tormenter from which I get no moment of peace. No matter how many
times I read and re-read there are always corrections or something that does not
seem to sound quite right. There is also something that worries me, there always
is: should I have said this or that in perhaps quite that way, will it
cause harm in ways that I have not thought of, should I delete this paragraph or
this sentence, is my writing boring and long winded - well as to the last of
course there is no doubt that this is the case. I am finding it such a problem
today and I am getting a headache so with considerable anxiety I have
decided to publish anyway. I can always go back and alter and republish. it
helps to know that it is not final, it is not written in stone and having this
backdoor option in such cases often helps me through a difficult time when
obsessive - compulsive doubts would otherwise prevent me from doing just about
anything you can imagine.
March 19th
Every act of life, from the
morning toothbrush to the friend at dinner, became an effort. I hated the night
when I couldn't sleep and I hated the day because it went toward night.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
I really am having quite a difficult time just now with
everything from my OCD right down to what may be described as the least of my
problems: The itching on my back. I feel like a complete mental and physical
wreck. May be it is the time of my life and to be expected as a middle aged
women - not the nature of the symptoms of course but their increase. It could
simply however be a result of the enormous amount of stress and the difficult
life that has been my lot now for number of years when external factors not
relating to my illnesses have made my life a misery.
As anyone who reads
all my ramblings regularly will know I have had quite a lot of life’s
unhappiness in recent years and perhaps now it is taking it’s toll. As you know
every morning I wake to some disturbing scenario or another either generated by
intrusive OCD thoughts or simply by those thoughts that come now again of
traumatic life experiences often referred to as flash backs. But flash back is
not the correct way I would describe such ruminative thinking concerning past
events. The word flash gives the impression that such thoughts are perhaps
momentarily fleeting – well at least that is the impression I get from this
term. Rather I often say that such thoughts are just as though a video tape as
been turned on and it is replaying the whole miserable scenario in front of your
mind's eye all over again before you are even aware that it has been turned on
and you are watching. It is rather like the way one automatically watches a TV
screen the moment it is turned on often without realising that you are doing so and
once again ones relives the unpleasant experience over again in one’s mind's eye.
I am however not referring or comparing such experiences to the more dramatic
and powerfully disturbing flash backs experienced by sufferers of post traumatic
stress disorder, nonetheless such memories that I experience as those described
above are indeed very upsetting. This morning I feel overwhelmed by the loss of my baby daughter who was still
born, often over the years such thoughts have returned as I am sure they do to
everyone, but just lately I feel more vulnerable to such intrusive reminders. It
is not that I ever forget but there are occasions when it goes beyond a simply
reminder. My sister is the most recent bereavement and still after 18 months I
can’t quite get to grips with the idea that I will never see her again - at
least not in the life and not ever if there is no existence after death.
Sometimes the thought is overwhelming and I feel as though I teeter on the brink
of going completely insane by the horror of to all. I am sure such thoughts are
common to all of us who have lost a loved one and I am not suggesting that such
is due to OCD. However the way one copes or rather cannot cope is effected by
OCD.
March 20th
The day before spring - well at least officially and
another craft fair for my son and the most disastrous yet. It was a thoroughly
depressing day after all the effort and all the fear and worry for me. I am not
really well enough to get involved, yet again somehow I have to at least go along
for moral support and besides I cannot be left alone, but the fear and worry is
exhausting, the regular anxieties present such as : will I get a migraine.
Social phobia concerns and OCD anxieties all mounting to the climax of a
depressive episode and one which I dreaded. I am now really at a loss to know
quite what to do. My son has this wonderful talent, yet it goes unappreciated.
Generally people will not pay the money required for a unique piece of artwork,
they fail to understand it is the time that they pay for, the enormous amount of
time taken to produce an intricate piece of art. There was even a women who said
to her kid how easy it was just to collect stones from the beach and paint them
– unless the child was some artistic genius I doubt she and indeed few would be
able to produce the standard of work that my son has. Paintings on rocks are
precisely that – paintings, art ! Each is a miniature picture painted on a stone,
each one unique, yet most would rather go and spend goodness knows how much more
buying something mass produced by an exploited underpaid worker in some third
world sweat shop! Sorry about the undertones of anger or perhaps they are
overtones but it’s good to get it off my chest. I am certain that all artists
know where I am coming from. People here seem to spend money on eating out and
drinking – the cafe of the hotel venue was full.
Our hopes were high that during
the afternoon things would look up. But no the few who did come in to the craft
fair after paying the £1 entrance fee appeared to have tunnel vision; most walked
straight round barely looking at the stalls on either side. If you have sat
there at one of these and observed how people behave you would be amazed, I
doubt that I would pay £1 just to zoom round barely paying attention however
such seems to be the way these days everyone so stressed and in a hurry that it
becomes habitual. And they say I am crazy! To add to the misery my existing
headache got appreciably much worse and I was anxious that I would have to go
home to take my migraine medication.
I
am amazed how little people buy, they certainly do not buy all the clutter we
have filled our home with over the years, and with which we continue to fill our home.
Useless things that although we think we want at that time after some time has
passed we hardy notice it and feel overwhelmed by all such compulsively purchased
stuff but nonetheless are unable to throw it away.
March 21st
When the disease is known it is half cured.
Erasmus Colloquies
My fibromyalgia or whatever the medical professionals
prefer to call this awful malady is just dreadful today, I have never felt the
effects of this illness quite as keenly and it is quite frightening. I wake to
find my whole body one throbbing mass of aching misery a dull pain mostly in my
limbs, my neck is agony, my throat is constricted, my stomach's in knot and the
familiar congested feeling in my chest seems more noticeable also. And my back
is itching with a rash that although is not visible is apparent when I go to
scratch as the skin is riddled with hundreds of tiny spots. Fortunately the
headache is only mild and eases after rising but turns up later but not for too
long, But what a day, normally upon rising my symptoms ease to bearable
levels within an hour of so but no not today the more severe symptoms persisted
most of the morning along with free floating anxiety and the sensation of heat
particularly at the base of my spine. There is ringing in my ears and I am
tense, exhausted and weary having had a restless night waking unable to breathe
or swallow. In addition IBS and irritable bladder make life difficult both for
the physical problems such as having to make frequent trips up and down the
stairs and for my OCD. The necessity of having to use a public toilet or staying
home and becoming housebound adds greatly to my overall miserable existence.
Today it appears I am utterly overwhelmed by my maladies some I have not even
mentioned. My sensitivity to noise and other sensual stimuli is really hyper and
the necessity to have to go to the cinema today and see an over the top graphically violent and loud film is about all I can
stand. Due to such sensitivity I rarely watch such things but once again I feel
compelled to do so for the sake of others.
What A wreak! But nonetheless I persist I am not giving
up my activities on the computer although I know as my son has just pointed out
that such is probably not good particularly for my neck, the pain and stiffness
of which is partly due to wear and tear but there are other factors concerning
my neck pain which I believe are part of the fibromyalgia syndrome. But I have
never been given a diagnosis and it appears to me that there seems to be a
consensus amongst medical professionals that you cannot have fibromyalgia, or
chronic fatigue syndrome if you have a mental health problem, particularly an
anxiety disorder. Why not! I guess this depends on how the medical profession
views these illnesses often referred to as "not real illness". Hey! If you felt
as I felt this morning you would be in no doubt I assure you that Fibromyalgia
is a real illness. Often I have been told that such maladies from which I suffer
are the result of depression. I was told this years ago when my chronic daily
headaches started. Now who would not be depressed if they had some sort of
headache everyday along with frequent migraine? Yes I realise of course that I
suffer with depression as part of my OCD and also I believe as a stand-alone
illness anyway co morbid with OCD most likely due to a chemical imbalance.
However the onset of headaches and other illness are of course going to bring
about an increase in my depression but such an increase does not indicate that
depression is the cause. Everyone who is depressed does not suffer with chronic
daily headaches which are of course a symptom of Fibromyalgia.. Now I know many
depressed people with anxiety disorders, my sister was one of them and she did
not suffer this way. If there is another suffer with OCD or any other anxiety
disorder and or depression out there who also has fibromyalgia please get in
touch I would love to compare notes, no not to ruminate upon negative aspects
but simply to feel less alone with this and compare our situations both positive
and negative in getting a diagnosis and help or otherwise.
March22nd.
Someone has contaminated my ironing board! I do not often
iron my cloths but on the very day I decide to do so I find I cannot. You would
think that those I live with would understand that putting a spray filled with
water that is goodness knows how old used to water the plants on the ironing
board would freak me out! Don’t they see the threat of legionnaire’s disease?
The trouble is they don’t and neither does anyone else for that matter, most
people are not the least empathic when it comes to feeling what we feel as
sufferers of OCD feel. Does no one understand what it is like to be so afraid of
everything in your environment and to even consider that your home is
contaminated, that your cloths are also and that you fear that as a result you
may harm another. Can they not understand how sensitive I am and how much I fear
causing harm and that perhaps I really do not want to throw away that empty tube
of paint in case some critter dies at the council tip as a result of ingesting
residues of my discarded paint.
People simply do not realise that to sufferers of OCD
little things that go unnoticed by the average person take on huge proportions
of fearful anxiety which we cannot ignore despite all logic- at least logic from
the perspective of others. No that towel that looks clean is not necessarily so
because you say it is clean, if it were that easy to accept your word for it
well I would not have OCD as it would so easily be cured simply by asking you if
it is clean. How can it be clean after falling on the floor? How can anyone not
see that it is not hygienic to put lasts night’s not water bottle on the
worktop, and how can they not understand that emptying the stale contents into
the sink and splashing the crockery on the draining board by doing so is not
hygienic! Again what about the fear of legionnaires disease? Yet people,
including my family do not seem to notice oblivious to such
possibilities. neither do they understand my anxiety or irritation.
No I really cannot cope with cooking a complicated meal
such as a flan: how would you like to have to do that having to wash your hands
again and again over and over in between touching everything through out the
entire cooking process or re-washing all the cooking implements. And than
despite all that exhausting rigmarole you still have the feeling, that awful doubting that even after you have washed your hands
more times than you care to remember and scrubbed that dish you are still
tormented by the notion that you might have inadvertently poisoned someone. .
Wouldn’t you feel so exhausted at the very thought of having to go through all
that torment with the fear in your mind that whatever you do you just might
poison someone and therefore perhaps you would rather avoid cooking altogether
particularly something as complicated as a flan. No one seems to consider such
possibilities as such is beyond their perception. Few understand the suffering we
go thorough.
How can others not understand that I have to wash my coat
because it fell on the floor in the supermarket? Can’t they appreciate the fact
that the floor is dirty walked on by every man and his dog. Do they not consider
the consequences of the many scores
of people whose footwear has been goodness knows where, through dog dirt or bird
droppings - most of the streets just about anywhere are contaminated with such.
Yet the average person lives their lives totally oblivious to such possibilities.
Such thoughts never occur to them. And even when it is pointed out few rarely
pay any heed.
Why is it that they wonder what on earth I am doing to take so long in the
public toilet? They seem not to feel the compulsion to put several layers of
paper on the seat to protect them selves from contamination or to have to wait
until others leave the public toilet in order to carry out compulsions unobserved. To
others such behaviour is eccentric at best, crazy at worst and perhaps to long
suffering family members or friends an irritation - if you still have any
friends that is, as in my experience few people other than immediate family
members tolerate such behaviours.
Why do others feel so irritated when I will not eat the
contents of a food packet from which the air has escaped, they seem not to
consider that now the food is no longer fresh and that they may as a consequence
get food poisoning. . Why doesn’t my neighbour understand that I would rather
not have her dog jump all over me and than wonders why I avoid her and her over
friendly pet? And no sorry, I can’t not be depressed because it is a holiday.
Don't you think if I could I would do so all the time! And no sorry I can’t
shake your hand because it’s customary to do so.
Well I could go on and on. My family, although they are
supportive and I would not cope at all without them, and others really do not
understand what it feels like; they may know that I sufferer but no they
do not understand how it feels and how ones life is torn apart by this demon
from with in. This terrible part of you that has seemingly a life of it’s own,
this inner tormenter that will never be satisfied until it gets its own way and
than requires more and more devouring your life with its insatiable hunger. I do
not blame them but wish that people could feel just for a while what
it is like to be me and perhaps they would understand why I am depressed,
irritable, angry, and perhaps a little resentful. It is hard to stand on the
periphery of life watching as it passes one by wrapped within a maelstrom of
fear and anxiety as one's existence is consumed by pointless compulsions fuelled
by fearful obsessions that one is powerless to ignore despite their absurdity.
It is because of these and many similar misunderstandings
I have created this website; it is an attempt to increase understanding
concerning the strange things we do and why we do them. We do not do the
seemingly insane things that we do to make life awkward it’s simply that we have
little choice; the obsessive thoughts are so real; the compulsions are so
powerful.
March 23rd
Those who do not feel pain
seldom think that it is felt.
Samuel Johnson.
I have nothing to put on! The washing machine/ tumble
drier is not functioning correctly despite the fact it is only about two months
old. I am so angry, it seems all we do these days is wait for repair men to call
and fix faulty equipment I am angry as it causes so much misery. I have a
disability, a washing machine for me is an aid for that disability; it is for me
rather like a lame person losing his walking stick or a deaf person his hearing
aid. Yes to have OCD you are disabled but unlike an obvious disability you get
little or no understanding.
This morning I felt once again just awful riddled with
aches and pains after another traumatic night when I awoke violently and
abruptly from my sleep my arm had gone into a spasm - at least it felt like
that. I am really getting very frightened about what is happening to me during
the night; it appears that these night time anomalies are occurring more often
and are more abrupt and increasingly more strange and inexplicable. And it is
hard to even get downstairs nowadays and than to be faced by all the OCD
nightmare problems is simply too much. I am feeling so hopelessly overwhelmed.
I have nothing to wear. You cannot imagine how wretched I
feel and how finding something to put on becomes so difficult and frustrating. I
frantically search my wardrobe, there is nothing I can wear! No this is not one
of those things that we women say
J;
it is not like that at all for you see you have to be a well functioning person
to care about anything other than whether or not your cloths are clean: the only things in my
cupboard are either contaminated or do not fit. Rummaging through the trunk I
find a clean but paint smeared skirt, it got that way because I am depressed and
careless. I have to wear this until I can tumble dry something more suitable: I
cannot of course wear this garment outside should a particle of the paint, now
several years old, fall from my skirt and be ingested by some creature or other
including a human being although the later is less likely. The acrylic paint
comes with out a health warning - that is what it says on the tube, "No health
warning necessary", but unless it
actually says non toxic I do not trust the labelling. Yes fortunately the tumble
drier part of the washing machine works and one of the quick wash cycles but
because of all the difficulties finding out which settings function there are
piles of wet cloths and the tumble drier is totally useless anyway as
apparently, unbeknown to us when we bought it, this is usually the case with washer
/tumble driers. So the nothing to
wear situation is worse than it usually is.
Finally when they are semi dry I put on my
cloths – most days I wear my cloths damp because of the inefficiency of the
tumble drier. I used to dry them on the radiator but
not any more as it is now a no go contaminated zone. Exhausted and stressed the
clean albeit damp cloths go on un-ironed including that coat which fell on the
floor in the supermarket yesterday. I am going out and tried to iron them but
suddenly recall that the ironing board cover is contaminated and I had not
yet washed it. Frustrated trying to convince myself that it does not matter if
people stare when I go out in creased clothing: I announce to whoever is listening, probably no one as
the others are absorbed in their own worries, ” why worry I
no longer care what people think, I have a disability and if people do not
understand well what does it matter”. My cloths are clean and that is all that
really matters during this difficult time in my life when my OCD and everything
else for that matter seems to be getting much much worse for reasons I cannot
fathom.
On a lighter note in a
nearby field are the most adorable lambs sweet creatures, just like children
they leap and romp together in carefree abandon. Someone said to me
the other day that they are all the same and when you have seen one you have seen
them all. What an attitude. Well at least I can still appreciate some of the
beautiful things in life, the little positives, such as watching these gentle
innocent creatures frolic in the warm spring sunshine. At least I can still stop
and smell the roses and find little moments of pleasurable respite; however
ephemeral they are there nonetheless despite the difficulties which mar my
existence.. Now of course there is a negative side. I try to resist the sad
feelings that well up inside concerning the eventual fate of these adorable
creatures but
sadly the thought is there and saddens my heart, as I am unable to dismiss this
negative aspect.
As a little light
relief here
are a couple of photographs of spring lambs. Click on the picture to view larger image which will
open into a separate window.
For more pictures of this year's spring lambs:
Spring Lambs 2005
March 24th.
What is life? It is the flash
of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter time.
It is the little shadow that runs across the grass and loses itself
in the sunset.
Crowfoot Hunter,leader of the Blackfoot nation
What a glorious day! The sun is shinning there is a haze
over the beautiful landscape through which we are driving, it is the kind of
haze that heralds a warm and sunny day. Earlier in the week there was a person
on TV sorry I can’t recall who, describing the difference between joy and
happiness: Happiness was described as the general feeling that some people have,
a day to day contentment with their lot – sadly not a feeling of which I am
familiar. In comparison joy was described as a more intense ephemeral feeling
that can come upon one even during times of perversity. It is the momentarily
sensation of feeling uplifted despite the fact that there may even be
an underlying pervasive feeling of unhappiness and sadness generally. This
person than went on to say that on a day such as when the sun is shinning and
the air is warm after a long dreary winter that even those burdened by the
difficulties of life that everyone suffers can despite such feelings still
experience moments of joy, an uplifting feeling experienced despite ones
situation.
Well I hope I got that right for that is how I understood
this explanation. Suffice it to say today was one of those days when through the
gloom of my difficult existence I enjoyed this ride during the relatively early
hours of the morning and looked forward to the return trip. We were helping our
son take his artwork to try and get a local art gallery to sell his art..
The great news is that finally something went right for
one of us. My son’s artwork was accepted for sale in this prodigious gallery in
the locality that sell the work of local artists. They were very impressed with
his work indeed. A moment to savour, a positive event in an ocean of negatives.
We hope that this will continue and that at least for my son life will improve.
This success may herald an improvement in the quality of life for all of us as
it is not easy to see those we love suffer, it would improve my life also if
only my son could find some happiness. His mood was much elevated after his
success and his confidence improved enormously.
March26th
My gouache paint has crystallised, I opened it and it
looks as though there were particles of sugar lots of which spilled everywhere.
Now there is no way this can be sugar this has occurred I would imagine by some
chemical reaction in the paint. I have never had this happen before. Yes the
point is supposed to be non toxic although it does not say so in so many words
it does have the EU safety symbol but does this mean in its intended state as
paint, my mind says that the crystallisation may have changed things and that it
is possibly now poisonous. Whether it is or not I have no idea I am no chemist.
But as a sufferer of OCD I naturally see it as poisonous.
It had really been a nice change today to sit down and
paint. I have not had a minute to myself lately and I had looked forward to
these few hours to try and catch up with some artwork, so many ideas in my mind
but depression, stress and OCD born commitments have hindered much in the way of
art work this last two or three weeks. And how this! Sometimes I wonder if it is
worth bothering to do anything as OCD makes everything a huge challenge, an
enormous endeavour. I have always tried to carry on the best I can trying to
work round the limitations caused by OCD but just lately it is becoming much
more difficult to do so and I begin on such occasion as today to think it’s
better just to give up!
This stuff has gone everywhere all over my desk; on my
cloths; over my painting. I have to go out in a couple of hours. The thought of
another shower makes me feel overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness; sometimes
I feel as though I cannot win. It was difficult enough motivating myself to
paint anyway and all through the morning little things such as losing my pencil
and rubber found me feeling that I am finding it more difficult to cope with
even minor problems which have suddenly taken on huge proportions. I feel like
giving up. I try to reason with myself that anyone else would just brush the
crystals aside and carry on with barely a thought. But such rationalisation
rarely works. I will of course change all my cloths something I am doing far
more often in the last few weeks. Cleaning down the worktop will be problematic
as will be the discarding of the white card, which I use to cover the desk. What
am I going to do with it? If I throw it in the bin I will worry that some
creature or another will be poisoned in the way I have mentioned before. It even
occurs to me that a person may be poisoned; the crystals could easily spread
just about anywhere and everywhere. I collect as much as possible off the card
and flush then down the toilet but there is anxiety about this as of course it
gets out into the environment. There really is no way I can get rid of the
wretched stuff - at least no "safe " way. The card however I simply cannot bin
and fold it up and stuff it into a cupboard away from anything else. I just
don’t know what else to do with it. Of course I know that this sort of behaviour
cannot carry on indefinitely such things will have to be thrown away. Or do
they? Many people fear throwing anything out! I do and this is just another
aspect of the hoarding problem. Without help will this escalate? I am worried
but have no choice but to comply with this increasing compulsion not to throw
things away for fear of causing harm.
March 30th
I hope to finally publish these latest entries of my
journal, it has been a while since I have, not since March 16th, I cannot
publish everyday as such entries have to be checked and this is of course due to
anxieties concerning the correctness and appropriateness of this material. I
have checked it over and over again and again and have been subjected to
intrusive and fearful thoughts of dire consequences and other concerns about the
suitability of these entries. I am actually feeling quite depressed this morning
a knot of anxiety constricts my stomach, a light to moderate headache increases
my anxiety and indecision still clouds my thinking and effects my ability to
click the publish button. I have to do just one more check and that is to check
the other updates to see if links are functioning correctly and this for all
intents and purposes may appear normal but such links are checked many times and
concerns, but more of a perfection type, prevail and cause some anxiety. But
nothing will ever be perfect, somehow I have to accept this; OCD is demanding
and uncompromising and will destroy this endeavour; it may take me a while to
publish and doubts will assail me long after publication and I may go back weeks
after and alter this or that but at least I try as I have tied all my life. But
oh I do so worry that my renditions may do more harm than good, not only to
others but to my self also as such exhausting checking and ruminating really
takes it out of me. My heart is palpitating with the anxiety of it all. It is my
sincere wish that something I write helps someone even the negative stuff such
as this journal. I hope that what I write here will at least help non sufferers
understand and also that those who sufferer severely with this devastating
condition will at least feel that they are not alone. But oh it is so anxiety
provoking, yes even fear provoking.
March31st
I just did not know what to say, these days I rarely do.
My husband told me that someone we know was over on the vegetable section in the
supermarket, my heart sunk. No it’s not that I do not like this person as a
matter of fact I do, rather it’s that I find conversation becoming increasingly
more and more difficult. As I was in another section some distance away I hoped
that I could avoid contact; it is after all an enormous supermarket if you don’t
keep together with whoever you are with you can spend enormous amounts of time
trying to find someone. So if I carried on shopping the chances were I would not
bump into this person and any avoidance would not appear deliberate.
Unfortunately this was not to be, turning a corner we
bumped into each other. What a strain and yes she did notice people do, hey I
noticed that she noticed. Body language is all too obvious particularly
difficulties concerning eye contact. Now people such as myself have great
difficulty with eye contact. I feel extremely uncomfortable often looking away
avoiding eye contact or conversely trying to maintain eye contact with extreme
effort, which ends up as staring as I simply do not know when it is appropriate
to look away! It does not come naturally to me at all. It is the most difficult
part of maintaining a façade that one is normal insofar as social interaction is
concerned, I did reasonably well in trying to maintain a conversation but
nonetheless it was unnatural and yes others can tell. It was similar with my
sister I could always tell when she was talking to someone that she was fighting
for something to say, struggling to maintain a normal persona but failing to do
so as the conversation appeared contrived, as such conversations always do.
You do your best, not only for your own ease but also for
the ease of the other person. Strained conversation is also awkward for the
other person as they are not used to talking with others whose conversation is
not natural. Often enquires into health and well being and the interests of the
other person appear to be too inquisitive. And often reactions to such questions
as how was your holiday come out all wrong and I never know what to say: oh how
lovely, nice to get way from this awful weather and such like commentaries sound
all wrong and contrived - at least when I say such things. Probably it is the
unnatural tone. Maybe it is because inside I know that such experiences will
never be mine and for me thoughts of going abroad for a holiday fill me with
profound dread. Whatever the reason whatever I say and the way I say it sounds
just awful strained and awkward and as a result the person is most likely
thinking that I am not interested which of course is often not the case at all,
it just that I simply do not know what to say or how to say it. My conversation
appears unnatural like a bad actor trying to convey emotion and interest,
which he does not at that moment feel. However this is were the similarity ends,
unlike the actor I do feel the emotions and I am interested but it’s expressing
such interest finding the words to do so in the short space of time that occurs
in conversation. It is one of the reasons that I like to write as it gives me
time to think. In all my important interactions with others I prefer to write
rather than phone or converse face to face. Conversations simply move to fast my
brain struggles for something to say and feeling the pressure to appear normal
often it simply comes out garbled or rushed or without feeling or even not at
all.
*
Disclaimer :
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have
selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the
comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect
my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
Blog: Introduction
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