The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

June 2005

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Gristmill: The environmental news blog |

This blog is part of Grist Magazine's website, a magazine dedicated to environmental issues.

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A good selection of interesting quotations

June 1st

I don’t seem to have a thing to wear. Since returning from our holiday my cloths are in a real state of un-ironed confusion and disarray spilling out in an eruption of untidiness from the truck in the sitting room. Moreover my anxieties now concerning what I can or cannot wear whenever I have to go out have taken a turn for the worse. It seems as though this morning I cannot put my hand on a single thing I can safely wear! Some garments have paint of them, in fact most do. This is now something of which I am going to have to be more mindful. Such laid back behavior whether born of an over enthusiasm to paint; impatience to take precautions to protect my cloths or from feelings of apathy is irrelevant at this point as such behavior is now making my life more difficult concerning my OCD. Also other unidentifiable stains which everyone’s cloths tend to pick up from time to time present ominous scenarios that such stains arise from toxic sources. Although such of course is doubtful and most non sufferers would dismiss such logic if it even occurred to them at all. But to the OCD mind any unidentifiable stain screams out it’s possible potential to cause harm. Therefore such cloths are un-wearable particularly if I am going out and have contact with others or even if I am going out into the country should a molecule of such perceived dangerous substances contaminate other creatures. I have explained these concepts before in earlier entries.

This morning I was particularly distraught, we have to go out and I am pressured and stressed by my predicament. I frantically search through the muddle in the trunk stirring up its contends with increasing anger as life seems incredibly problematic and perverse. Such would appear to the non sufferer to be a minor irritation, even if he or she had an inkling concerning the reasons behind such frantic rummaging, and one which does not warrant the tantrums that I would appear to be displaying. Yes I feel so frustrated, so angry. It is not simply that I cannot find an OCD friendly garment it is that my life is overwhelmed by these concerns, anxieties, fears and delusions. These warped and illogical obsessions and the resulting time adsorbing exhausting compulsions have destroyed most of my life and and continue to do so.. I seem helpless to overcome them despite my understanding of this every complex and miserable malady, a bizarre illness which to the casual observer defies logic or understanding. Why is it that once having required the insight and knowledge that one's actions stem from an illness, (a distortion of the brain's perceptions, a delusion of reality if you like), the sufferer still continues to act upon these bizarre thoughts and compulsions that he or she hates beyond words. Yes the power of these thoughts despite ones knowledge of the reasons remains and is not mitigated by any rational argument or informed logic. Despite the inner knowledge that such behaviors are irrational and most people do not carry such actions out seemingly for me makes no difference and during the throes of an OCD episode such logic fails to mitigate these powerful thought driven compulsions.

June 2nd

I feel really so depressed today. I feel as though I cannot be bothered with much of anything and all I want to do is curl up into a corner somewhere and let the world go by. It's raining again, dull and cold. You would not think that it is June. The weather does not help my mood. However I would imagine that if I had a full, happy and contented life I would perhaps not notice it, treating it as a minor annoyance. I feel as though sometimes I cannot cope at all, it is as though everything is an enormous struggle. Sitting here now typing this seems problematic and the words seems not to flow. The irritation of pressing caps lock and looking up to find all my writing in uppercase causes me such annoyance that I thump the desk, an habitual display of frustration and anger which is now common place as more and more things drive me crazy and little things seen by others as minor frustrations become major sources of irritation.

Sometimes I wander what if anything I can do to dispel the ever present heavy weight of depression that exists permanently around my heart. One can understand how people in times past thought that emotions stemmed from the heart as this is were I feel all my negative emotions and all my pain. 

My son pops his head round the door and seeing my despondency offers sagely advice: "You should see something positive in everything; in every negative situation and circumstance there is always something positive if only we look for it". Yes fine in theory. I only wish that he could heed his own advice. Unfortunately that is not often the case although he is trying and in the last week or so seems less deeply depressed. I think that one of the positives about many people with OCD is that most sufferers are always trying to seek a way out of their predicament, it is a constant striving to not only cope in a more normal way but also to find some happiness. I and  an OCD  friend recently had a conversation in which we discussed the fact that the older we get the more urgent this appears to be and the search for some fulfilment and relief from this dreadful malady becomes more urgent. All we want is a little peace, some chance before it is too late to feel that our existence affords us some satisfaction. I feel the need now desperately with each passing day and I try to cram some positive activities into my very crowded life that have for me some meaning.. This includes of course this website which although relates to OCD and can sometimes highlight for me quite dramatically just how ill I am nonetheless gives me some satisfaction, albeit along with considerable anxiety for reasons mentioned else where in this Blog. Art work also gives some satisfaction although of course my perfectionist tendencies get in the way and when things go wrong with my art work, sadly this can lead to further depression. I know how pathetic that sounds but it is the way I am and the way my mind works and at least I am aware of this and can try to dispel such feelings.   I try to find some activity however small during the day which I can say is positive and has been in some way satisfying.

My profound depression in fact become more severe as I could not cope this morning with trying to prepare some of my art work - caricatures and flower paintings for clip art. For many reasons I am still unable to do this. However more of the anxiety and depression arises from the knowledge that I am not coping rather than my failure to accomplish this task.. My ADD is so severe now that the task of doing this work with my graphics is impossible due to the disorganised confusion that exists within the filing system of my computer. My graphics files in various stages of preparation are spread over two desk tops, in various folders and sub folders. There are even folders called organised graphics and then when they have got muddled yet other folders were created and called more organised graphics, more organised clip art, clip art for cards and so and son on. What a muddle and the thought of the incessant changing of desk tops adds to the frustration. At least my son finds it comical and I guess from the perspective of others it is and often in retrospect even I cannot fail to see the funny side of my predicaments and idiosyncratic eccentric behaviours. Often in retrospect many OCDers can see the funny side of their behaviours and most of us have a sense of humour. However when we are in the throes of our emotional pain when our thoughts torment us and our compulsions exhaust us our situations seem anything other than amusing.

Half completed work that I seem to have forgotten impossible now to prepare further worries me and angers me that I am now soooo disorganised and forgetful. It is indeed frightening and anger provoking to be reminded just how absent minded, forgetful and disorganised I am, the frustration of my life is quite significant and depressing. There are those who believe that depression is suppressed anger. I don't know how true that is but my frustrated tantrums of banging on my work station do little to relieve either the pent up frustration or the anger.

I spend two hours going round and round in circles  trying to create some order out of the chaos and ruminating upon the passing of time and how much of it I have wasted as eventually I abandon this endeavour. The good news is that a walk round the university gardens in our locality helps me to gain a more positive perspective and detracts my mind  from my preoccupations and my mood lifts somewhat.

June 7th.

When the disease is know it is half cured.
Erasmus Colloquies

Well it’s been about four days since my last entry and at the time of writing  I have not published it or any entry which I have written for this month or since the 27th May. As I have explained before I cannot publish daily as it takes me several days to check and recheck because of my OCD however during the last five days I have written nothing in my journal.  I admit freely to feeling very depressed lately and a spate of three migraine in three consecutive days and also an increase in the frequency and intensity of tension headaches has been part of the problem. This has driven me just crazy along with the more day to day irritation and indeed outright anger concerning computer problems:  the need to reformat, the fact that my smart restore does not function properly and various other problems of which I will not bore you as most people are not much interested in the perverse working of the computer.  A session with technical support last week had quite a bad effect upon my headaches as most intense phone calls tend to when my attention has to be focused. Anyone who has read my ramblings knows I do not like talking on the telephone.

I have also felt lately that perhaps no one reads all these rambling hypergraphical style entries and I wonder if indeed it is worth pursuing. Although I get some satisfaction from this and hopefully something I have said somewhere along the way will be of use to others..

Hypergraphical writing can also be a symptom of front lobe epilepsy. Although I do not have this illness my grandfather did. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible to inherit just parts of a genetic illness. Crazy idea I know but I sometimes have all sorts of symptoms which are part of other illnesses yet because all of the symptoms are not present I can never be certain that I have the condition in its entirety. And here in the UK it is so difficult to get a diagnosis for certain types of illness were there is no definite pathology so I doubt I will ever know for certain. I know of course that I definitely do not sufferer with epilepsy but there are a number of other conditions from which I believe I may I suffer co morbidly with my OCD  - at least it appears that way to me. One of them is ADD. Yes I most certainly have ADD, a condition that often exists co-morbidly with OCD.

Also recently I have been giving great consideration to a condition which can also exist co-morbidly with OCD, some of the symptoms of which answer a lot of questions for me concerning my difficulties with social interaction. This condition is Asperger syndrome. However I do not have all the symptoms but nonetheless a significant number of them. It is also my understanding that sufferers of OCD may present with some traits of not only Asperger syndrome but other autistic spectrum disorders. As I find out more I will share with you my experiences. I think it is important to be aware if one is suffering from other conditions in addition to OCD as of course such effects our OCD, it's prognosis and our ability to cope or otherwise. It is my opinion that any condition existing co morbidly with OCD should be diagnosed and taken into consideration whenever any treatment is proposed.

Such concerns on my part of course may simply be some form of OCD obsessing as one can obsess and ruminate about almost anything. If anyone with OCD reading this is in a similar situation and considering a similar possibility please write to me. There is very little upon the internet concerning the double diagnosis of OCD and Asperser syndrome. I definitely of course have OCD and this is my primary condition, anyone reading my memoir will be in no doubt of this and I had no difficulty getting a diagnosis of OCD. But I imagine I will meet with considerable opposition if I approach any mental health professional for an assessment for Aspersers. Mostly I think they imagine that it is not at my age important one way or another. Well they are wrong. Most  people want to know why they suffer the way they do and sometimes just knowing can be so liberating as somehow the reason why helps us to move forward. I am particularly effected by my inability to interact normally in social situations. My inability in this regard has made my life as a sufferer of OCD an even more difficult problem and may have been one of the reasons I have been unable to get satisfactory treatment.

Social inhibitions are not in themselves a symptom of OCD and until recently I have put my problems in this regard down to social phobia despite the fact that my social hang-ups do not really fit the symptomatic criteria for social phobia, Nonetheless having said that the phobic part comes into play as one indeed becomes most anxious and fearful when having to meet others when time after time one encounters difficulty and rejection when my awkwardness is noticed.  However the criterion for the most part concerning my problems with social interaction fits more closely to the diagnostic criteria for Asperser syndrome than for social phobia although a couple of other symptoms really do not fit, for instance the symptom concerning a lack of empathy. Too much empathy although mostly empathy concerning the emotional pain of another is for me a significant problem. I will never really know if I have either Asperger Syndrome in addition to OCD or merely just traits. In fact I may be barking up the wrong tree altogether. Ummm yes if I had Aspergers I would of course take that last statement literally. Or would I ? Of course as an adult I would by now have learnt what all such metaphors mean and I can of course recognise a metaphor even if I do not know what it means such as the common phrase nowadays: grass roots. I have no real idea what this relatively new expression really means precisely although I think it means going back to basics such as in the the phrase "at  grass roots level". It is however quite certain I know that the phrase has nothing whatsoever to with grass or its roots in a literal sense. Well time will tell if I have Asperger syndrome in addition to OCD or not and if I can get a diagnosis rather depends on finding someone who will consider the possibility.

The National Autistic Society - Home.

Asperger's Syndrome

June 8th

Sometimes I feel as though I cannot do anything, say anything or indeed as is the case right now write anything with out the OCD getting in the way. I have just spent the last half an hour or so preparing an entry for today only to have to delete it due to my OCD anxieties that what I have written may cause harm to some one even just by hurting his or her feelings. One of the mistakes that I have made was to tell a few people that I know personally about this website. Yes there are only a few people most of whom have known me and have known about my OCD for a long time. Nonetheless this was a mistake as there are occasions when I feel as though I cannot write something as such may cause them some hurt or offence and also I feel too exposed as often someone will comment upon something I have written here and of which I have not told them. This is inhibiting the natural flow of some of my entries and I regret having shared this part of my life with people I know personally. This and other torments of a similar nature have been particularly problematic lately and I wonder if I am ever going to be able to publish my recent entries. This rumination drives me crazy and is a very incapacitating part of my OCD: this awful fear of causing harm in some way or another is one of the most profound torments of my OCD.

People with OCD are people pleasers, we like to please everyone. Such of course is impossible, how does that saying go now: You can please some people some of the time but you cannot please all of the people all of the time. I wonder who said that. I could look it up in  a search engine but such is so time consuming and rather obsessive compulsive I guess, so as this saying is so familiar for once I will skip this detail. It is of course impossible to please everyone and often most people may inadvertently say something that will hurt another despite our best intentions to do otherwise. I really feel so anxious and frustrated that I will never post all of these entries made since May 27th. Oh the pain that OCD causes is not to be underestimated. It is there in every action we take, every thought we think and today I feel truly so weary of it's continual torment. I had something positive I wanted to share with you today but I cannot due to the concerns mentioned above the frustration is driving me crazy. I know such anxieties are over the top but they are so powerful and the feeling that I have yet again given into them is depressing. For you see with OCD you can never win. Whatever you do and whatever decision or action you take you can never find peace as your mind turns your actions against you. If I post entries which I feel will hurt someone, even though on a deeper level I logically know they will not, I will feel guilty and worry myself sick. Conversely however if I do not publish and give into the OCD tormenter and allow it to have it's own way I also feel guilty and depressed because I given in to this torment. Moreover the anxieties that haunt me because I cannot give an accurate account tend to make me feel guilty and inadequate because sometimes whatever it is I have given into may actually bring about some good to others so its a no win situation.

Now I am going to check this entry, publish it along with all the entries of which I am ruminating upon and try and forget them. As the day wears on other OCD issues along with the daily concerns and frustration of life including my illness will eventually focus my attention else where. And of course if I really freak out I can remove any worrying entry. This I call the back door approach. I can sometimes do things I am afraid to do if I have a back door option, in other words if whatever I do is not irreversible and the action I take will allow me to change my mind at any point. Difficult to explain easily perhaps another time I will try to be more explicit although I am sure you know what I mean and my doubts concerning the adequacy of this explanation arise from OCD doubting that I have clearly explained myself, but if I do not publish soon I won't publish again today again for practical reasons never minding my OCD as I simply will not have the time.

June 9th

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
Mary Anne Radmacher

Well I still have not published the above entries I really really am having great difficulty this time round. It is as though my OCD has life of it's own. It's goal is to destroy each and every endeavour that I undertake, each pleasure I enjoy, indeed any and every aspect of your life it will take way from you if you do not try and resist. When I first started my website things went quite well - at least compared to now - with regards to my writing and publishing despite a considerable amount of torment of the kind I have described in the above and previous entries. Now however the torment grows and for each and everything I write my mind is invaded and tormented by intrusive doubt ridden  thoughts, thoughts so powerful that my ability to keep this part of my web site going has become increasingly more and more difficult. It seems that even the most innocent of entries takes on ominous possibilities of dire consequences - at least according to my mind, my beleaguered OCD mind.  If reader you suffer with OCD you will know where I am coming from. You will empathise as you know the torment. OCD has taken most of my life. It has taken my pleasure in walking in the country, by the sea, in the street even, it has taken away my ability to work, to learn, to concentrate to think and behave rationally. It has spoiled my relationships with people, my relationships with other creatures - well I could go on the list is endless, this is no exaggeration; there is no aspect of my life that OCD has not tried to take away.

Most people do not understand the torment. No indeed, even those close to us have no real idea concerning the insidious and pervasive nature of our torment. My family can see when I wash my hands; they can hear the incessant rumble of the washing machine when for the umpteenth time I decontaminate that ragged old skirt made thin by continuous washing; they know when I have another shower after going out when a contamination incident has occurred; they observe the checking rituals that make going and about a real irritation for them but they cannot see the torment from within. They are not able to observe the more covert insidious side of OCD, that part of the illness of which you feel that no one will ever really understand as the fears are so difficult to explain and there is no evidence of the torture that you endure. My family do not know my torment concerning my writing. They know I write copious amounts but they are not aware of the difficulties I have and the torture of ruminative and intrusive thoughts which cause me to check again and again. Nor do they know the trauma of clicking the publish button as my mind struggles against a maelstrom of fearful doubts .

Most people, but by no means all, will perhaps understand to some small degree the torment and exhaustion of continually coping with the compulsions to decontaminate, the endless washing and so on. They may observe your sore sometimes cut hands, your rather worn over washed clothing . Many people also have some empathy with the checking of locks and the removal of plugs from sockets for example, but the inner torment few seem to notice or understand. They may sense that something is wrong, but maybe not, even if there are overt signs they are perhaps too subtle to be noticed.. My husband had no idea concerning what was happening to me when my OCD first became full blown. He appeared not to notice or ask why I was only eating certain foods at certain times of the day, why I did not buy new clothes, books, makeup and so on such behaviours could easily be seen as normal. We were very poor when we first got married, he would probably have assumed that such was the reason for my abstentions. He would not in his wildest imaginings realise that such behaviours were born from a severe form of religious OCD. Neither he nor I had heard of OCD or obsessional neurosis as this condition was called in those days in the early 1970s. He did not know I did not eat certain foods or buy cloths or makeup because I thought that by denying myself these pleasures I was preventing the possibility of death by placating God. He could not see into my mind; such ridiculous notions simply would not occur to him. This behaviour went on for months. he had no idea of the torment of my religious OCD concerning either the intrusive blasphemous thoughts, nor the incessant praying. He had no idea why I put the cutlery on the plates rather than the table. It did not occur to him that I thought someone would die if I put the cutlery on the table. The only thing he knew was the reasons why I clasped on the floor screaming and that was simply because I had told him that I had the notion that I was going to die. Few even those close to us know the torment and the pervasive nature of OCD. 

Notwithstanding my checking and ruminating/ doubting difficulties with writing I will try to continue.  However I would just like to say that I hope that whoever reads this will understand why this blog does not follow the normal guide lines for daily entries or short entries or any other normal behaviours for that matter. For you see for every action and undertaking I am never able to do anything in quite the way a normal person can. Besides such gives anyone who reads this an idea of what it is like to suffer from OCD: the fact that my entries do not adhere to normal guild lines and are delayed is simply because I suffer with OCD and right now I am having a very difficult time with this particular aspect of it,

June 10^th.

I simply cannot face going into a pub which I have never entered before. Increasingly now I am becoming more sensitive to external stimuli such as noise and crowds. Today it was very awkward. My husband, brother-in-law and I went for a trip to the Yorkshire Dales. It was nearly three in the afternoon we had passed many pubs, all appearing gloomy and dark, most having changed little in decades. I am beginning to feel anxious about entering pubs or cafes of which I am unfamiliar fearing my inability to cope with crowded and confined places. The scruffy dated atmosphere arises within me contamination concerns although I am sure that such is unfounded. Yes we could have sat outside but the weather was chilly but at one particular pub there was quite a crowd outside also despite the inclement weather. I felt awkward making an excuse - well it really was not an excuse, I simply said that it looked poky confined and overcrowded. We finally ended up at our usual teashop quite late in the afternoon for a hurried cup of coffee the time having slipped away so quickly.

Such things as noise and crowds and strong smells are becoming quite a problem yes I am effected by such sensory stimuli more so than the average person and such is becoming more and more of a problem. It is as though I am regressing back to my childhood days when according to my parents I would scream in the street because of the volume of passing traffic and other street noises which in those days were not at the levels they are now. This I believe was indeed a significant problem for which I received sedatives. I cannot recall screaming in the street but remember the vile tasting sedative.. It feels as though such sensitivities are returning and in full force. Loud and sudden noises present quite a problem and the response to cover my ears as once again I feel as though I am at the point of screaming. Yes I will go to the cinema but coping with the noise is extremely difficult as is the continuous noise which I am subjected to every where you go nowadays, the latest is a large chain of chemists.

June 12^th

As I sit here this morning I can clearly hear the low frequency hum emanating from the factory in the village. It has become louder now and more persistent. In recent months it has been less intrusive and there have been some hours during the day and occasionally at night when I could barely hear it at all. And on the occasions when I did the noise was easily masked by playing a CD, one of many sounds of nature recordings purchased for this purpose. Yes not an ideal situation and such causes me some considerable anxiety as I do not like to leave electrical appliances on over night, nor do I like to leave the plugs in their sockets over night particularly the stereo plug in case of fire. Each night I remove all plugs except of course the refrigerator. So I am not happy at all to have to do this but I have no choice I either have to be tormented by the low frequency hum or worry about the possibility of a fire. I am angry and frustrated. I know that this firm has done it’s best to locate the cause of the noise and have spent some considerable money trying to do so unfortunately without successes. They wrote to me and said they could do nothing further. Although I appreciate their efforts and they have always been most amenable even when I have left agitated messages on the answering machine and wrote several of my hypergraphical letters.

Notwithstanding such efforts I feel so angry, this noise and the stress and sleepless nights it has caused has been detrimental to my health. I am tried, exhausted by nearly three years of sleep deprivation. I am not of course saying that all my sleep problems are caused by this noise problem however it started at this time and of course my sleep problems are made more difficult by the presence of this noise. Furthermore I am angry, as it seems that I have no rights in the matter, the local council department who handle noise complaints tell me that the noise levels are acceptable according the World Health Organisation's criteria. However such assessments are measured in decibels and as such a low frequency noise cannot be measured. It is simply not that loud but is nonetheless a noise nuisance and different criteria should therefore be formulated to measure such a noise. Low frequency noise is a detriment to health. I have read government issued information stating this fact yet the council will only assess noise of a high frequency. I have no legal recourse whatsoever.

It is like the continuous sound of one note of music, persistent, pervasive and intrusive, it penetrates it torturous sound through my stone walls of one and a half feet thick! When it is at the level it is at the moment it cannot be masked by the use of the aforementioned CDs. A considerable volume is necessary and would disturb the neighbours who appear not to hear or are not affected by the low frequency hum.  I know that I am very hypertensive to noise nonetheless the noise is clearly audible in the street and I rather think quite honestly that either my neighbours are deaf or plain apathetic. I am exasperated by such complacency they seem to accept that it is perfectly okay for this factory to make this noise twenty four seven every single day of the year.

Even if by some quirk they could not hear the noise inside their homes surely they can hear it in their gardens. Yesterday morning it was a glorious warm morning I would really have loved to have sat outside and had my morning coffee but no all you can hear is this low frequency hum. This afternoon as on most Sundays it is pleasant to sit in my garden it is the only time now we all get in the week to take it easy and relax but no I am driven inside by this insidious hum.

The whole situation is becoming increasingly intolerable and exacerbates my depression. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever have anything really good happen or if anything I do will ever work out well. I regret ever moving here, why oh why did we buying this place We were very pressured to buy something due to the necessity to vacate our previous home after completing the sale legalities a long story and one I will not bore you with. The views here are really pleasant and to look from my window and see the fields and hills in the distance was one of the attractions of this property. And with the light that streams in through the large windows after years of living in a small dark house it seems as though we had found our ideal home. I knew of the factory of course but as it seemed quiet on the day we visited to view the property and on several other occasions we gave it little consideration. So here we are now and I feel so trapped too ill to move again.

Sensitivity to such things as noise is I admit becoming more of problem however in this case I am justified to complain.

June 14th 

I would just like to say how pleased I am that justice has prevailed and Michael Jackson has been found not guilty, of course for a significant number of people there was never any doubt. No I am not a fan of Michael Jackson, pop music is not really being my cup of tea, although I recognise his significant talent.. However it appears  to me that he is a sensitive rather anxious person and I felt deeply for him during this all ordeal. It should not be necessary for me to say this but obviously the above is my opinion and I of course recognise that others may see things differently as they do in any situation. Technically speaking of course when writing one's opinion one should not use the phrase "in my opinion" as such is obvious - at least that is what I was taught for O level English.  However the addition of the phrase "in my option" makes whatever statements we make appear perhaps less arrogant. Perhaps I should not give an opinion here on this particular situation in any case as it is rather like talking about religion in a way. I have noticed amongst my few acquaintances a certain hesitation in giving an opinion about this should it precipitate the type of debate in which one ends up in a serious argument similar to the way one can when involved in political or religious discussion.

Also in connection with the above I strongly feel the need to mention that it appears to me that Michael Jackson is often singled out simply because of his different eccentric life style, at least eccentric compared to more usual life styles, no I am not going to say normal lifestyles - who lives a normal life style. What is normal. When talking of such issues I like the term neurotypicals, an expression used in autistic circles when describing others whose brains function in the more usual way.  I like this term when describing the more common, bland and mundane individuals of our society often referred to as normal. Sorry if that sounds a little resentful however as a sufferer of OCD and other maladies both diagnosed and otherwise I may appear eccentric and I have grown rather weary of the prejudices of others. In an earlier entry in January you may read an experience I had once when I was described as a peculiar lady. I get rather annoyed when I hear people in our society, who are different by comparison to perhaps most of it's members, referred to as: weirdo, wacko, fruit cake, fruit loop psycho, loony tune and so on.  Such derogatory expressions as, off his trolley, two sandwiches short of a picnic, not working on all four cylinders and many others such expression are all too common place and are apparently socially acceptable. Why is it okay to use such derogatory terms when speaking of anyone with a mental illness or anyone who is different - you do not of course have to have a mental health problem to be eccentric. Why doesn't political correctness apply to such terminology aimed at the mentally ill and anyone who is different -yes that is all an eccentric is, someone who is different from the run of the mill. You know the above was quite a list wasn't it, a long list of derogatory and insulting terms aimed at people who suffer profoundly within our society. These are vulnerable people whose lives have been destroyed, their hopes and dreams dashed, people whose minds are seemingly not their own; people who are tormented each and everyday in ways that those who do not suffer such maladies cannot begin to know, it is time society accorded them some respect..

It is surely time that political correctness was also applied to the mentally ill. There should be equality and respect accorded to all members of society, all of us have something to contribute. The following is a short list of all those who have suffered from some mental health problem or neurological condition and who have contributed to science, the arts and other areas of social enhancement : Howard Hughes, OCD - advances in aviation, film producer ,entrepreneur. Tchaikovski, bi polar disorder (manic depression) - composer/musican. Charles Dickens, OCD - writer. Samuel Johnson, OCD - writer. Charles Darwin panic disorder - Scientist, theory of evolution. Vincent VanGogh  bi polar disorder (Manic depression) - Artist.  John Forbes Nash Jr ,schizophrenia - mathamatician. Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher - OCD and Asperger syndrome. Virginia Woolf, , bi polar disorder (manic depression) - writer. Albert Einstien, scientist - Asperger syndrome, ADD . Woody Allen, actor - OCD. Leo Tolstoy, bi polar disorder (manic depression) -writer.

That is an extensive list and I could go on. Society has been enhanced and enriched by all these people and many many others who never become famous but who have nevertheless contributed in some way. So isn't it time society had more respect and indeed appreciation for the mentally or neurologically ill and indeed for anyone who dares to be different.

A selection of links to websites concerning famous people with mental health problems:

Famous People And Disorders: Healthy Place.

Famous People with Mood Disorders

This morning I have another violent headache and I need to break off from writing  right now. Another migraine most likely I had one yesterday in the early hours. It is frightening and exhausting. If I did not have my medication I do not know what would become of me. I may come back to this subject another time as it is one that I feel quite strongly about.

June 15th

What a glorious sunrise this morning, its just after 4.am.Yes I know the old saying : red in the morning shepherd's warning and no doubt this early morning's weather will deteriorate later on into another dull cold and dreary day which makes coping with my difficult life harder. Yesterday's headache developed into a migraine and today I have another severe headache and feel at my wits end. No I do not mention these headaches to solicit sympathy merely to tell you what my life is like for me and for others like me, although of course everyone with OCD does not have chronic daily headache CDH and migraine but many do and it is an added burden to our misery as it brings with it its own set of obsessive compulsive behaviours not to mention appalling pain.

This week my family and I have been in the throes of decorating. Now without my migraine meds such would of course be impossible so you can understand that my fear of not having this medication is considerable for without it my life would not be worth living. This concern for some reason or another presents it's own set of anxieties and intrusive thinking, such as checking constantly that I have my medication when I am out and so on. Just too many worrying thoughts to explain in full here, perhaps another time, suffice it to say the fear of not having this medication is considerable to the extreme.

Decorating was exhausting and stressful. It always has been with endless washing compulsions and fears concerning the use of toxic chemicals: I cannot clean my brushes and throw them away I am fearful of using toxic substances such as Turpentine and other products for this purpose. Flushing such products down the sink is damaging to the environment. It is hazardous to aquatic creatures and to the our water ways in one way or another. This is what it tells you on the bottle. I want to know how you can clean your brushes without it getting going down the drain and into the environment. I have no idea so I do not use such products instead throwing the brushes away which of course is a costly business I know. I try to use water based paint when at all possible which only requires water to clean the brushes but such paint only peels off the woodwork.

My husband keeps saying he wants to get some turpentine but I fob him off. One of the brushes will have to be thrown away in any case as it will have painted a contaminated area near the radiator which was exposed to a leak. I have to paint this area last when all the other painting is done. If I do not and put the paintbrush back in the pot after painting this area I will of course become anxious that by doing so I will spread the contamination further. Moreover I cannot throw this brush out in the bin as I am afraid it will contaminate other people and other creatures in the way I have mentioned in previous entries. The brush will be wrapped up and stored somewhere out of the way along with a rusty craft knife which I think may cause someone to be harmed if they accidentally cut them selves on the rusty blade.

It was a difficult day and anxieties about throwing away toxic substances and causing harm was worrying to say the least. Yes life is complicated for those of us who suffer with OCD everything we do we analyse and worry over. Sometime I just feel like giving up and not doing anything at all.

Wallpaper paste causes so many anxieties. It is an antifungal paste and this of course worries me. I hate using anything toxic. All in all decorating was a  nightmare and I do not think in retrospect that either I nor my family are really up to such tasks any more. For various reasons all of us have problems which concern our mental health or lack thereof. Some difficulties concerning my son seem in the nature of OCD. Today was day two and by its end I was frantic with fatigue and hung the wall paper up any ole how, lumps tears and all. All I wanted was for it to be over, it will be a long time before I can decorate again. By the end of the afternoon I was virtually in tears  I am now left with piles of washing, heaps of tea towels used to dry my hands after frequent hand washing. Often if I am anxious that my hand towels are not clean I will grab a fresh clean tea towel from the cupboard or a paper towel which by now on the second day we had ran out of.

In retrospect our decorating could easily have been included on one of those TV programmes Britain's worst DIY er. I recall my mother also could not cope with decorating, her philosophy was "what does it matter as long as it is clean". She did not have the patience to bother about lumps in the wall paper and so on. All she  wanted was for the job to be over and done with and as long as her kitchen or whatever looked cleaner than that was all that mattered, and in the end that is all that matters. And yes it does look much cleaner and these jobs have to be done despite the fact that I have neither the mental health nor the energy but it will be a long long time before we decorate as we are all just too ill.

The dilemma and the torment here however is that leaving things to deteriorate is of course anxiety provoking and despite ones exhaustion - an exhaustion borne from stress and other illness - one somehow has to rise above it as I cannot withstand the torment of feeling my home is dirty. However one is never satisfied, OCD is a relentless tormenter and when one has given in to the compulsion to decontaminate this or that or check this or that, whatever the particular compulsion it is, it is never satisfied, it is never enough. It wants more and more, it is constantly demanding. The intrusive thoughts return again and again with new and more exhausting torments, obsessions that precipitate an endless round of compulsive behaviours. These thoughts will not be silenced until one has compiled with their demands. It takes great determination and indeed courage to ignore them and when you are really so ill with OCD such seems impossible.

Rather like a compulsive gambler, the more he gambles the more he is compelled to continue gambling. Once is never enough, twice, three times, nothing is ever enough. And so it is for the obsessive compulsive. You  begin by washing your hands once because they feel contaminated, hey you do not even question why you feel they are contaminated. You have perhaps touched something your friend has touched. She owns an animal.  For some time now you have the notion that you might get rabies from merely touching an animal, so now you wash your hands after touching whatever it is that your pet owning friend has touched. You do this because you now have the idea that you can contract rabies by touching something a pet owner has touched. So now you wash every time she touches you or touches something of yours. And now most bizarre you are washing your hands after merely reading the word rabies! Except of course at first you do not think it's bizarre. In the beginning for me there was no insight until my contamination , religious and checking OCD become overwhelming.

As time goes by the washing obsessions in themselves become increasingly more complicated. Eventually you are not even thinking about rabies or legionnaire's disease or whatever disease you are were worried about, you are now so preoccupied that you are complying with all of your compulsions to wash and that you are doing so correctly that you have little time left for the whys and wherefores.

Gradually the compulsions grow from washing your hands to for instance washing the tap: now when you wash your hands you have to wash the tap afterwards to avoid re-contaminating your hands. You do this automatically like some kind of natural progression. Than for some notion or another you feel that the towel is not clean so you wash your hands again and get a fresh towel. But the handle of the of the cupboard where  you keep the clean towels is contaminated, you may not even recall why, so you wash your hands again, and the taps of course, before removing the towel otherwise the towel will become contaminated because you have touched the door handle and than touched the towel. And so it goes on and on like a chain reaction one contamination event leading to another and another and so on

This is how OCD grows. It is subtle, rarely starting abruptly - at least not in my case. Often you do not know you have a problem, although you know that your are miserable and anxious, until you life is quite overwhelmed by the need to be involved in obsessive compulsive behaviours.

June 16th

It's another... of a migraine. Words which are not printable should be entered here. Words which at one time would have filled me with absolute overwhelming anxiety. Yes intrusive four letter words would freak me out big time and they still do if they turn up mixed up with intrusive blasphemous thoughts, and as I sit here having been reminded of them by writing the above I am trying to fight the intrusion of such thoughts. However simple every day four letters words as long as they do not occur with irreligious thoughts are no longer a problem. My OCD has moved on to pastures new for a change of strategy and new horizons of torment. At one time I could not read a book that had a four letter word included in any of the text. I am still not keen mind you and would prefer that they were not included in literature, in films and on TV. But now when I get mad I can actually curse and swear as good as the next man or women without even thinking. Odd about swearing though when I swear now it's okay but when others do it I cringe thinking how awful it sounds and I guess it does. Its a pity that more life destroying obsessions and compulsions such as contamination checking and ruminations would not ease up and become less anxiety provoking and give me more freedom to live a normal life. Sadly this is not the case. My contamination OCD is getting in fact worse and it is the most difficult and restricting aspect of my OCD, it is exhausting frightening and incapacitating.

This morning I have to go for a blood test for a routine check. It will cause enormous decontamination OCD rituals: showering, changing and so on. Huge contamination anxieties of which I gone into detail in a previous entry.

Last night was difficult enough. And after another exhausting day of finalising the decorating I am shattered. After showering I am left with getting in the washing which is hanging in the yard in a vain attempt to get it to dry in this bizarrely cold June. Usually my husband does this task but he is preoccupied elsewhere. I simply cannot cope with this chore involving as it does so many checking obsessions and compulsions.  Only the lighter weight clothing is dry despite the fact that some of it has been hanging out since 8am ! It will need to go into that useless tumble dryer. An exhausting job of checking and rechecking. For what you might ask? Partly to check that it is still clean, perhaps a bird has left it's mark or some air born particle of unknown origin has contaminated my wash. Yes of course all of the above, all the typical OCD anxieties come into play here and of course cause concern. But there is something else, something that may be unique to me. Every OCDer has his or her own unique obsessions that fires their compulsions. I have to check the washing to make certain that no insect such as a fly has settled on my washing. No the main concern is not contamination here, although of course this is a consideration. I am in this instance anxious that when I put the cloths into the tumble drier I will kill small insects that have settled on my washing. As those of you who have been reading my Blog, my memoir or my Shorter autobiography My story will know I am very anxious about harming any living being and that includes insects.

So there I was last night struggling to sort copious amounts of washing, two loads, checking it minutely for tiny insects. After putting it into the dryer the thoughts come tormenting me that I did not check it thoroughly, so there I was checking all over again. Also my inability to decide which cloths are dry and which are not add a dimension of misery, anxious thoughts present telling me that damp cloths breed germs and will have to be washed if put away damp. If they are put away damp this will cause problems later on, for instance when I go to use a towel after showering. If it smells damp or odd in any way I am compelled to shower all over again so I have to be sure the cloths are dry. This takes ages of feeling each garment plagued by indecision, is it, isn't it dry.

Finally every item gets sorted. I am tense irritable and tired, oh so tired. I complain to my husband. We squabble. I need help with such sorting procedures. Okay it's technically speaking enabling but its an awesome task alone. It takes so much longer alone as I could keep on and on checking. Yes I have to check for creatures the thought of harming another living being is abhorrent to me, there is no way I cannot do this checking, no way.  Such considerations for the right to life of all creatures is part of my philosophy and such a procedure would therefore in my case perhaps be considered normal. However only once would a normal person check, not again and again and with fear riddled obsessive compulsive over-the-top thoroughness. It is not what you do but its the reason that you do it and the anxiety it causes. If whatever you 're doing is causing you anxiety and you feel compelled to do something you would rather not do and deep down you know it is not normal than it is a problem.

In a more usual context to which every one can relate lets consider a common checking compulsion: checking that your door is locked. This is a very common compulsion and I have this compulsion along with most OCD sufferers. When most people who do not suffer with OCD go out they of course lock the door. After turning the key most people will turn the handle just once to check it has actually locked. However once this is done and you are satisfied you will walk away without another thought. But if you have OCD this simple security procedure which every one carries out with out much thought will be carried out again and again. If you have OCD you may return time and time again to turn the handle to be certain it is locked. You may rattle the door handle, even push the door but still you doubt you that have locked it. Although you may have walked several yards down the road, tormented with doubt you return to check again for the umpteenth time. Finally over time your door handle may become  loose, you door may begin to fall a part damaged from the persistent opening, closing and banging it shut.. Yes indeed you may actually return open you door and bang it closed with great force, so severe are your doubts and so powerful are your compulsions. This happened to a friend of mine many years ago. You may even return after travelling all the way to Dorset from Sussex as did another OCDer I knew of just to check that the door was locked even though he had previously checked countless times before, his doubts being just too powerful to resist.  

This is why I need support when such tasks are undertaken. If I  were alone such a compulsion could in theory be repeated virtually indefinitely. No I do not want my husband to sort the cloths in the normal way I want him to check also for the presence of insects and say no there are no insects on the washing.  With out such reassurance from another person the thoughts return as soon as I am ready to dry them and I will check again..

Finally it's over the tumble direr is on. I still have doubts of course even after checking each garment and each towel minutely and shaking them to dislodge insects which are obviously just not there - at least not from a non OCD perspective.  Also to make matters worse I cannot simply put my washing down anywhere to sort. Certain areas of my kitchen feel contaminated I have to be careful when I sort my washing.  It would be so easy to accidentally contaminate it and it would have to be rewashed all over again. I hang really wet cloths on my cloths horse which in the panic nearly topples over. I break out into a sweat, if they fall on the floor they will need to be washed all over again!!!!! Aggghhhhhhhh

June 17th

Well come what may I have to upload my web site today it has been over two weeks. I do apologize but sadly OCD has been a formidable and persistent tormenter in the last two weeks or so concerning checking and anxieties regarding everything that I write, particularly this Blog.

Now it may be a while before I publish anything further as I have to transfer all my data on to a different computer. This as I am sure you will realise is quite an undertaking and is time consuming for everyone let alone someone who suffers with OCD and gets in an absolute muddle and whose organisational skills can only be described as chaotic. Notification of further updates will be as always published on the home page.

June 23rd

Well I am still in a hopeless muddle concerning the transference of data from my old computer to my new one. This website presenting the biggest problem. So for a few more days to come I may not be able to write much of anything. While transferring my website site files created in Front page the file’s name automatically changed. The numbers at the end of the file names were for some unfathomable reason automatically changed. Bizarre or what! Crazy! More crazy than I am! I was really baffled by this but after help from my computer course tutor I have learnt that it is possible that the file numbers which changed automatically are the computer’s name and when you transfer the files to another computer this name changes. But the new files with the new name refused to publish to the web presenting a number of strange scenarios - do not worry I will not bore you with the details.

And in addition to this there were problems with the host’s server, which is of course is inevitable from time to time, but just now this could not have come at a worse time adding to the confusion. It amazes me how everything can go wrong all at once, normally I have had few real problems with publishing or the sever being down. In fact I have had an excellent service from my web site host. But things go wrong with computers from time to time, it is to be expected. The fact that such happens to coincide with the files name change problem is incredibly bad timing. In fact this was only the second time my website has been down in the last eight months! Although this last problem was quickly sorted, the problem with the file name change remains. So for now I have to continue to use my old computer to administer and create my web site. I am simply too anxious to try and fiddle about with the new set up until I know what I am doing. Suffice it to say I have been driven crazy!. Well more crazy :-)

Now all this seems so superficial and perhaps it is who knows, it depends of course upon your perspective. I have invested enormous amounts of time working on this web site including its construction along with all the writing and graphics preparation. I have endured immense and persistent torment from my OCD, which seems hell bent upon my destruction as my doubt-ridden mind finds it increasingly difficult to publish overwhelmed by fears of causing harm in ways I have explained in some detail in previous entries. Also I must not neglect to mention the increase in neck and upper back pain as a result of the huge amounts of time spent not only fighting and struggling with technical difficulties but fighting with that inner part of myself. Struggling with that OCD monster which seemingly dwells within like some self destructive apart of you over which you have no control. I say a part of myself but there have been times when I have wondered about this as the rational part of me recognises the OCD and sees it as something totally alien, an unwanted tormenter who knows exactly what will cause the most damage. You wonder how could this soul-destroying thing be a part of you, a part of your mind, a malfunction in brain chemistry. Yet it knows which thoughts to present and which are the best times to present them to inflict the most damage. It knows everything about you and homes in on the most vulnerable aspects of your personality. Any new idea, project or endeavour it will attempt to destroy, it is indeed a mysterious illness and it is difficult to accept sometimes that all this self destructive misery is generated within my own brain, my mind destroying itself.

June 25th.
I am still struggling to update both this website and the one that I administer for my son’s art business. Since buying a new computer and with it a flat screen monitor I was horrified to find that neither website appeared to look at all how they did on my 17 inch old monitor. All the tables, headings graphics and just about everything else where distorted whenever the screen size was maximised. Somehow I had failed to comprehended the fact that tables need fixing otherwise the whole layout becomes distorted whenever the screen size is altered. You would think that authors of software instruction manuals would mention this fact. Yes it may be obvious to them but not to the novice such as myself. Many people tell me that my writing is very detailed. No not in a critical way - least I hope not :-) . I do tend to obsesses that I over explain things because I am anxious to get it right and make sure there are no misconceptions or that I have assumed that others know something they do not. This is a good thing in some ways and it is something that authors of computer manuals should perhaps pay more attention to particularly if the book is aimed at beginners. However it could simply be that I do not comprehend such information. However sometimes such instruction  is so brief that it is easily passed over and not noticed - at least by myself.

Yes I am a perfectionist. Not that I necessarily have an obsession with symmetry as such however this higgledy-piggledy muddle really was just to much for me to ignore and I have exhausted myself and aggravated my neck problems trying to rectify it. So there is yet another hold up before I can consider doing much in the way of updating this blog or my website with any new material. Although I seem to be finding time here right now to vent my frustrations :-)


July 26th

Concerning the on-going computer problems: to compound my difficulties we are now having problems staying on-line. According to my ISP such problems may be a result of spy ware. Now I have been surfing the net for about nine years. When I first went on-line all that was required was antivirus software. Of course that was bad enough and I experienced considerable anxieties at first. I am ill and unable to work and the need to replace equipment due to malicious programs or viruses was worrying notwithstanding the efficiency of the software or the unlikelihood of such a serious event occurring. Now however one also really needs a firewall, and it seems a number of different anti spy software in addition to increasingly more sophisticated antivirus programmes.

Such is making my experiences on-line more complicated, more expensive, frustrating and often downright impossible. I imagine the same applies to everyone else. However people such as myself may depend more upon the internet for not only entertainment and information but also for social interaction with others. For anyone who suffers from a number of maladies including social phobia, avoidant personality disorder, Asperger syndrome or other autistic spectrums disorders and any other problem with involves difficulties with social interaction the unique social environment which the internet provides may be a boon to relieving or at least mitigating feelings of complete isolation. I have heard people with Asperger syndrome say that social interaction is easier via the internet than in real time everyday situations. And the same is true of all the disorders mentioned above. And also anyone with agoraphobia, who may be able to interact socially except for the fact that he or she is unable to go out, may find that at least the internet can provide him or her with an acceptable alternative. Also a good deal of physically disabled people find the internet a boon and a social outlet. My brother-in-law and a friend, both of whom are unable to walk any distance, find friendship and social environments on line and this goes someway to alleviating the social isolation which sadly is often the lot of so many housebound disabled people.

The present situation on the internet concerning viruses, spy ware, hacking and various other malicious intrusions are spoiling this new and revolutionary communication medium for so many people for whom it is a life enhancement. I have had a good deal of difficulty connecting to the net over the weekend. I have been told by my ISP that spy ware may be interfering with my connection. Such unsolicited programs also slow down the computer not to mention of course the invasion of your privacy. After running a spy ware detection programme I found 48 potentially seriously disruptive programmes on my computer. It is only one week old. Such programmes are interrupting my internet connection and are adding to the problems of uploading of my website. It is frustrating if you are in a chat room or are communicating by instant message to be cut off time and time again. I am angry yes indeed and have thrown my hands up in sheer frustration. The interference not only from the actual presence of these programmes is bad enough but the time and money spent on detecting them and eliminating them is also a consideration. All such program are malicious and intrusive.  Even spy program intended for market research? Yes! Most certainly such programmes are malicious by the very nature of their intrusion without your knowledge or consent, an unjustifiable invasion of privacy.!

So if you are responsible for invading the privacy of others, impeding the correct functioning of both the computer and internet access by adding spy ware, viruses and other malicious programmes please consider that your actions are spoiling the internet experiences for many vulnerable or disabled people.

I don’t image that what I have said here will make a bit of difference as in any case most people who visit this site are sufferers themselves. I cannot image for one moment that anyone who suffers the way we do would consider doing such a thing.. One point in our favour I guess : for the most part most of us are ethical. So why write all the above........ Well quite simply to vent and rid myself of the anger and frustration of a very trying week concerning my activities on my computer.

June 27th.

I opened the bathroom door this morning to be greeted by an enormous pile of washing spilling out in an untidy profusion from the laundry basket. It is real heart sink experience and one that I often have to face increasingly more regularly now. Yesterday I washed my hair four times and showered and changed my cloths three times . Some days are like this now. Yet again to day I washed and showered twice and changed my cloths, worn only for a couple of hours, before discarding them into the laundry basket. Yet again tomorrow I will be faced with the same oozing laundry basket overflowing with cloths that are for all intents and purposes quite clean, but not of course OCD clean. Some days I make it through the day with out the need to shower more than once and keep my cloths on until the evening. Other days it is indeed quite a different matter entirely.

A splash of water from the water feature in the garden on my cloths and I will hurry in to change the contaminated garment anxious of contracting legionaries disease, afraid for myself but more importantly afraid for others. If I sit down even in my own home with this contamination upon my cloths from this one drop of water I fear that a visitor or my son or husband will become contaminated. Moreover not only will I worry for them but I will worry that they in turn will spread the contamination through their associations with others. Also I am anxious that by doing so I will not only spread the feared disease but in addition my family and I will be punished in some way by divine retribution /karmic comeuppance because I have been responsible for causing harm and all from just one drop of water. So I change and change again and again and wash my hands and shower until the fear goes away until the next time. And so it goes on for each and every new scenario. And there are many many such scenarios. And again I will face that overflowing laundry basket each morning

Sometimes however washing is not enough. A fly sits on my trousers we were out in the street I have just a passed pile of dog dirt. I can never wear these trousers again. They have been worn just a few times but not even washing will mitigate this fear. Fortunately such extremes are rare, mostly I am able to wash my cloths. But the fear of possible contamination is real. A fly buzzing round my sitting room and I panic, it’s a huge fly, the type that sits on faeces. The anxiety is considerable until it finally flies away. I cannot of course kill it; I can kill nothing, neither do I want too. Killing for the most part is a reaction born of fear and in the past I am guilty of having killed a nest of ants simply due to this emotion and nothing else.

Killing anything for me now is quite abhorrent. However before the time during which I have become extremely sensitive about killing any creature - except bacteria of course and yes even there are some niggles of sensitivity here - I had to kill a nest of ants which were on the move along my kitchen wall. Yes the entire nest. It is now 25 years later and I still feel so guilty whenever this thought returns to haunt me as it does form time to time. And when I say guilty I am not exaggerating, just writing this down now brings such feeling to the fore and I hate myself or at least the person I once was. However even at that time I did not carry out this act without certain feelings of guilt but fear overtook me, the horror of this crawling mass consumed me and quite simply I did not know what else to do. Soon they would fly most of the colony were pregnant female flying ants ready to fly and lay their eggs when they landed. I have a phobia about flying ants. Notwithstanding such fears I can neither justify my action nor mitigate my guilt  with such considerations and today twenty years on I feel ashamed, so ashamed. I feel as though this is a blot, a stain on my character, a karmic blemish and something I can never make up for. Yes if you do not have OCD or you do not have this type of OCD you may see the whole situation entirely differently and as of no consequence. You might think I am over sensitive or simply crazy, whatever. But for me and according to my perspective, my philosophy of life, this sin, for want of a better word, returns to haunt me and I am indeed now most mindful not to kill another living being.

Such thinking often causes dilemmas and OCD type thinking and compulsive behaviours have become intertwined with this part of my life as much as they do with any other. Such is the complexity of my OCD. This is just a snippet - well a couple of snippets of incidents from my life, there are many more much more as you will see from my website. Some less unique to myself perhaps, some more bizarre and many many quite common place and which present for most OCD sufferers.

My website as stated has two purposes: one to display our talents - there is more to us than our various aliments, the second purpose is to inform the public, carers, mental health professionals and students of psychology and other interested persons and finally each other what it is like to suffer as we do. Notice I say each other. Often other sufferers fail to understand one another if symptoms are different. Have you ever come across a fellow sufferer who may present with a primary obsession such as checking whilst yours is contamination and you in all honesty fail to fully understand what the other is going through and vice versa. I suffer with multiple obsessions and compulsions, various phobias and so on and can often empathise with others. Nonetheless there can be times when I do not as even within the same manifestations of OCD there can be really significant differences. Often we fail to understand another person’s obsessive-compulsive behaviours because they are different from ours. Contamination OCD is the most common form of OCD but that does not mean that two sufferers of this type of OCD will fully understand one another as their obsessive-compulsives behaviours can be quite different. Many suffers of contamination OCD are quite comfortable with animals while I am sadly not and such difference can lead to a lack of understanding much as they can between  sufferers and non sufferers.

Of course differences between sufferers of other anxiety disorders may be quite marked for example between an agoraphobic and an obsessive-compulsive, a self harmer and a social phobic. I recall when I first sought help for my OCD, when it’s main manifestation was religious obsessions and compulsions, that I was told I had an anxiety disorder and that one course of treatment would involve group therapy. I would be included with in a small group, all the members of which had similar anxiety disorders. Now religious OCD is among the more unusual forms of OCD and as such is less understood in quite the same way as contamination OCD, not that either was particularly well understood in those days some thirty years ago now. When I arrived at the group I was asked to speak first and tell the group why I was there and the problems from which I suffered. I explained in some detail the nature of my placatory obsessions concerning the need to placate God and the fearful consequence of dire events occurring if I did not deny myself all manner of things including: new cloths, certain foods, make up books and son on (see my memoir, particularly chapter seven and My story for a detailed explanation). Now I knew this all sounded bizarre and it had taken me enormous courage to not only tell my psychiatrist but to tell this group of strangers whom I thought suffered in the same way. Because I was asked to speak first I had no idea that most of the others suffered from agoraphobia, one had dentist phobia, another had a mild form of OCD which involved returning to check for bodies in the road thinking he had caused an accident - at least this is what I assumed. I was not aware that he had the same illnesses as myself but in a different from and I can only understand the nature of his illness now in retrospect. At the time his problems appeared incomprehensible. Moreover if my sister had not suffered from agoraphobia and I had not witnessed at first hand her terror at leaving her home I would probably have not really understood the nature of  the suffering of many of my fellow groups members. .

As none of the others where required to tell me their stories in any detail both they and I simply reported our progress and set targets for the following week. So here we all sat together each week not really understanding much about one another although we were all suffering .Yes that is the one thing we all had in common: anxiety, life destroying, inhibiting and incapacitating anxiety. Nonetheless my anxiety was compounded because of the bizarreness of my disorder and because of this I was never able to fully share my experiences or explain my targets.

So understanding between one another as fellow sufferers and between non sufferers and sufferers is very important and the purpose of this website is to promote such an understanding Therefore with this purpose in mind I am going to include another section on my website called a day in the life of... ... An agoraphobic, an OCDer, a social phobic, an anorexic and so on.

If you suffer from any of the disorders included upon this website or any mental health problem I invite you to share your experiences with others. If you feel you would like to write an account of a day in your life please contact me.

June 30th.

I am really having a frightening time with my headaches and migraine. The last three weeks or so I have had three to four migraines each week. I have had spates of such frequency before but only for a couple of weeks before reverting back to my normal migraine frequency of one every five or six days. So I am scared. Also I have the signs of repetitive strain injury in my right hand as a result of typing and using the mouse. I have tingling and numbness,. it seems to be one thing after another. Yes I do spend quite some time on the computer, about four hours or so each day. I am loathed to give this up as I feel that my activates on the computer have enhanced my life. But there seems to be always something to prevent me from doing so and at such times I feel as though I am victimised by the entire universe as though I am doomed to failure and a life of feeling useless and unfulfilled. It seems as though one way or another whatever I do is thwarted by illnesses or other dire circumstance. Of course compared to the suffering of many people and indeed other creatures throughout the world my  suffering is inconsequential. However such knowledge fails to mitigate my own misery and moreover the knowledge of such dreadful suffering for all beings in fact compounds my own suffering. The more I suffer the more I become aware of the suffering of others and such suffering is never far from my thoughts and I feel so guilty for continually bemoaning my lot in life.
 

Well it's time I stopped typing, this morning I have been awake since 3am and on the computer typing and clicking since 4am. And this is notwithstanding a quite severe headache which may transform into a migraine, I find it so hard to stop. I have become quite addicted to not only my activities on the computer but also there is now such an influx of ideas into my mind, and the need to write them all down is overwhelming. I cannot type fast enough to record all my thoughts and ideas and I  could in theory be sitting here all day. My arm is really numb now and my hands are tingling like crazy so until next time I wish you all a peaceful day.

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.

All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.