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Blog Roll
Blog Roll disclaimer*
Links
to recommended blogs:
OCD
Wiping The Crazy Off My Face
Incertus - The Weblog of Doubt and Other Disorders
There is a diary included as
part of the following website:
My Obsessively
Clean
Den
Where Justin can be Justin
Agoraphobia:
Agoraphobic
English Guy
Downunder
Bipolar and OCD:
Gail's journal
New!
Disjointed Thoughts
Autism:
Donna Williams’ Blog
Ballastexistenz
A Blog from Another World
Attention Deficit disorder ADD:
Living with ADD
A
personal selection of Interesting Blogs not related
to mental health or conditions of any kind:
The Action Blog:
Save an
endangered species, protect human rights, save a
forest.
Gristmill: The environmental news blog |
This blog is part of
Grist Magazine's
website, a magazine dedicated to environmental
issues.
Positive Attitude Quotes, Free Happy Positive Loving
Messages, Popular Motivativational sayings.
A
good selection of interesting quotations
|
December 2nd
"Why did you leave the dales", I ask. There is what seems like a long
pause before he finally responds and I sit there tense thinking that yet
again I have asked an inappropriate question, which tends to happen from
time to time. Social interaction is of course a huge problem for me and
nowadays I simply avoid it whenever possible as it is becoming
increasingly difficult for me to articulate, to think of the right thing
to say and to process incoming information from others and think of a
responses fast enough. Therefore my heart sank when this man and his
wife came over and sat down at the opposite table by the fire in a pub
in the Dales. My husband and I had come in for a plate of chips and a
coffee, it was a bitterly cold day and we where glad to be sitting by the
fire eating these exceptionally good chips and trying to relax, a feat
now virtually impossible for me, hackles constantly raised should
someone walk in with a dog or loud music is played but mostly here that
does not happen. These days the thought of loud music makes me anxious,
in fact so many things make me anxious that I am forever alert, not able
to let go of tension, trying to enjoy myself doing what I think I should
do and would like to do if I did not feel so miserable and anxious all
the time. But nothing much is either pleasurable or relaxing even though
I make a huge effort, which than becomes part of the problem. Have you
ever noticed that the more you try and relax and not react to every
situation with stress
the more difficult it can get.
I could tell that the man in at rate was going to make conversation, his
wife I felt was more like me , she seemed shy not joining in the
conversation. He sat down opposite chatted about the weather, the fact
he had moved twenty years ago to the south east and was back in the
dales for a visit. He was a really pleasant man and I only wished that
conversation was not such an agony of anxiety. Any modicum of enjoyment I
might have received from the taste of good coffee and chips was
now long gone my attention turned to the struggle of trying to think of
something to say. "Where did we live and what where we doing in the
Dales on such bleak cold day" ? I myself had wondered this on such
a miserable day, unbearably cold, but you cannot stay in all winter and it is
a change to go out into the country despite the awful weather.
However in addition sadly we are here mostly because having made plans to
do so we are not very good at changing them, this problem I have
explained before here on my blog. I than asked the question, why did you
leave the dales and immediately wished I had not. It turned out he
was a farmer... well... farmers and vegans are not going to
be the best of pals. Rather dumbfounded I struggled for something to say
but he continued telling us how he had had offers from someone or other
who wished to buy his land in order to have the rights to shoot
pheasants. Absolutely flabbergasted , I mean to say what kind of moron
delights in killing pheasants for sport? And the injustice of it,
not only as an animal rights issue but also as a human rights issue,
that someone could have the right and the money to buy land, the cost of
which is enormous, simply to indulge in this pass-time whilst so many
struggle to maintain even a basic standard of living.
Fortunately though another person came in and joined them, someone they
knew, and we were left to our coffee and chips. I was relieved to have
been spared an awkward moment of stunned silence or an outburst of my
outrage, it could have gone either way, although I endeavour not to do
so as of course whatever you say makes little difference to the way
people think particualry in heated altercations. And yes when I get on
my soap box so to speak against animal rights or social injustice I can
wax more articulate
with fervid passion, although of late not with the ease that I once did,
which may appear to others as aggression rather than discussion or
debate. Yes he was a very pleasant person and most likely one of the
better farmers with regard to caring for his animals even though however
cared for the poor creatures inevitably meet the same fate, but who
knows you can never really know what another person is like, most
certainly not after one casual meeting, and I do find it difficult to
fathom people to know what is really going on. I do of course realise
that the way animals are treated is often due to ignorance and people
not really thinking about what they do, not seeing the big picture and
how wrong it is to exploit animals and treat them inhumanly as meat
producing machines. In fact I myself have recently been shocked by
the dreadful cruelty to domesticated animals reared for meat and
other by products which I had read about recently as I go about creating
my new website which is concerned with such issues.
I was shocked when this very pleasant and amicable person stated how he
had sold his farm to such people but sadly few see the wrong in such
behaviours although I rather think that buying a farm simply to shoot
pheasants during the autumn is grossly unethical to the extreme for the
reasons I have stated.
I have thought a lot about this person and often think that a lot of
people do not know the harm that they do and if they did their whole
perspective would change. At least I like to hope so. Sometimes I feel
so depressed, overwhelmed by the atrocities and injustices that humans
commit against one another and their fellow creatures and for a good
part of the time most people simply do not realise the harm or the wrong
they are doing. While I am so keenly aware.
Someone's comments reach my attention and increase my anxiety, there is
snow due this afternoon. I immediately feel anxious and spend the rest
of the afternoon panicky about getting snowed in, which of course is
possible here where few road are gritted, particularly the roads which
cross the hills like the road we travel along after leaving the
pub hoping to stop by a stream sit and admire the view read for a while,
it being too cold to walk, the bitter wind would give me a headache, yet
another ever present fear. As soon as we stop it begins to snow, only
flickers of tiny while flakes but immediately anxious we make out way
down the hill where it appears to stop but huge thick clouds over the
hills look ominous as they sweep over the summits which we need to cross
over to reach the valley and our road home. So we have to leave in some
haste. As we approach the summit the snow is really a blizzard, I
see sheep in the distance poor creatures they have no shelter on these
bleak hills, not even a tree or a wall. I feel keen sorrow at the way
these and other creatures are treated. In nature all animals seek
shelter if they are able to do so, so make no mistake that sheep are
content to stand there in rain, snow and driving wind, if shelter is
available they will seek it out as we have observed on our trips. But
here and in many similar places there is no shelter. Further on is
the Stang forest but it is fenced off and there is no access to sheep.
I do love the snow although not as I once used to my feelings now so
mixed, excitement as it falls, the trill of the raging wind or the
relaxation of gentle drifting flakes but now such feeligns are mixed
with sadness for the misery that it causes sheep and cattle and indeed
horses who have to
withstand the onslaught with no protection whatsoever.
December 4th
We had a heavy fall of snow this morning, it began well before I was
awake at 5am and gradually increased in intensity falling thick and
fast. Despite my anxieties about sheep and other animals exposed to the
bitter cold i thought it was a pretty sight indeed, the way snow transforms the
dreariest of places. It is rather early for snow though and the worry
about other animals is considerable and indeed many sheep may well have
died from pneumonia and exposure. Yes such thoughts are misery and they
help no one but this is the way I am and if no one had such thoughts or
was so aware nothing could ever change for the better. Not that I can do
much of course to alter the way we treat animals although I do my best
in whatever way I am able in my own way. If you feel like doing one
simple thing to help an animal click here:
http://www.viva.org.uk/campaigns/ducks/ms.html
This link will take you to
VIVA'S website where you can sign a post card to send to Marks and
Spencer to air your views about the cruel way they treat factory farmed
ducks. You simply fill in the form and click send. You can add your own words if you like but if you do not feel up to this just send the
form letter.
You can also click the link below to sign a petition
Viva! - Vegetarians International Voice for Animals ducks petition
From the petition page you can access more supermarkets to write to and
other actions you can take
Viva! - Vegetarians International Voice for Animals more action you can
take
Don't feel overwhelmed, do as many as you are able even if its
only one action.
I think if more people knew what happens to farm animals
few people would eat meat, or eggs or drink milk. At least I would like
to think so.
Each little action can help. Often with OCD we can become too immersed
in out own suffering and at times it can be good for you to do something
to help alleviate the suffering of others including other creatures.
We went out for a brief walk in the snow but by now I had a headache
which later turned out to be migraine and I really did not enjoy our
walk anxious it may make my headache worse. It is not usual at least not
in recent years to have snow, particularly in such large accumulations,
this side of Christmas.
It has also been dreadfully cold and has made the conditions in our
house much worse and more water drips down the walls . This after we have
been advised is condensation damp rather than a leak in the roof, it is
though severe for condensation but this assessment could be right
althoguh I think that in some places damp is penetrating through the
stone. So today there is a real mixed bag of emotions about the weather
and just about everything else.
I have had rather a lot of migraines in the last week or so and there
have been a lot of added difficulties in my life that could so easily be
avoided as most are the result of other people. I can't tell you the
details as I have anxieties about making the situation worse by doing
so. Anxieties not easy to define or categorise as are anxieties about
for instance germs and other more easily explained OCD manifestations. I have many compulsions which can only be described as
superstitious in nature and also somewhat paranoid but who knows
paranoia rather depends on your perspective. I use the word in its
proper context to mean baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of
others. Have you noticed how people use paranoia to
mean neurotic but not in the context above. However as already said more
often than not ones suspicions are not always unfounded. And besides
when you have no idea what is going on with other people and you have
been as a consequence taken advantage of so many times you err on the
caution of what other people may perceive as paranoid thinking.
Its not going to be an easy winter if the weather remains this way,
isn't it typical how now that the gas and electricity prices have
increase dramatically to extortionate levels of 35 percent and 17 percent
respectively that the weather had taken a turn for the worse. I know I
catastrophizing again but i just knew this would happen this year that we were
in for a long cold and harsh winter.
December 8th
Remember I said in early November that it appears that my old links
continue to work despite having changed the name of my website, so I
need not have worried. Well they have now ceased to work and any website
or anyone else with the old oc-illnesses-and creativity.net link will
now not be able to access my website.
Concerning the websites of all those which have links to me only two have changed their links. I
have written to many of them twice and two of them three times but despite my
repeated requests the links remain with the old domain name and now
bring up only an error page. My hits have plunged considerably by about
two thirds as a consequence. Some of these websites may have been
abandoned or no longer maintained regularly but two are prominent OCD
websites. I know we all have problems and one website has no one
available to maintain their website but will put my request into the
things to do category, and fair enough. Most websites and OCD charities
are maintained by people who have this condition and I do understand the difficulties involved. The whole situation is causing me great distress,
you can only write so often to make any request without the risk of
causing distress to others. Without the links from
other websites though I will get very few visitors and its all very discouraging
and makes me feel as though it is all rather pointless.
The problem maybe, as already said, is that many charities for mental health conditions are
run by sufferers who at times just like the rest of us may find it difficult to function.
It has to be said that
not everyone copes well with computers and perhaps my being mostly
likely an aspie in addtion to an OCD sufferer, although AS is not officially
diagnosed, gives me an edge computer wise as it seems that those on the
autism spectrum have a natural affinity for computers. However in recent
months everything including the maintenance of this website has become
increasingly more difficult.
Quite honestly I do not knew what to think. When I first created my
website there where one or two difficulties with some organisations,
some saying they did not want too many sufferers website links. What
difference does it make it's only one hyperlink surely the more
resources available the better. The world wide web will not be much of a
web without link exchange would it. Since one organisation have reformatted their website there are no
links to any sufferers websites at all. I cannot understand this,
after all it is only we who suffer from the disorder that really know
what it is like. Of course it is their prerogative to do as they
wish and the above is merely an observation and my opinion rather than
criticism. Like anyone else we all have a different perspective. It is
my opinion only that the more personal perspective of OCD
from a sufferer is important.
Perhaps it may be considered from an individual perspective that not all
websites are suitable . Many people consider my website rather negative
despite my attemps to add some positivity by the emphasis on creativity.
Although most visitors seem to pass this by and focus on the more negative
aspects. My blog is negative as is my memoir; I have had severe
intractable 0CD I can't hide the fact nor would I wish to. To do so
would validate the reason I created my website and wrote may memoir,
which I did in order to make people more aware of what it is like to
suffer with intractable OCD. Many people suffer with severe OCD no
matter what therapy is used and often such people may derive some
comfort from an account of those in a similar position, after all those
of us with severe OCD, although pleased to hear that others are coping
and leading fuller lives, will probably feel depressed if the
emphasis is on those who have improved all the time. What I am trying to
say is my website helps to provides a balance, at least I hope it does,
and has its place
alongside all the more positive accounts of overcoming or coping with
OCD.
The only choice is to buy the old domain name again , but next year of course
the same problem will emerge and I cannot afford to buy two domains
each year. There are one or two complicated procedures to redirect links
which I will look into but when you feel as ill most days as I do its a
bit of an ordeal and one that I had not expected.
I am not blaming anyone of course, and what I have said is not meant as
criticism, as we are all struggling but it does
not stop me feeling rather depressed by it all.
December 10th
Still very cold here today with no respite. I guess we are not now used
to this type of weather. It does add to everyone's misery but perhaps
even more so for those of us with mental health problems, particularly
the depressed and anxious but I rather think that depression and anxiety
are present in all mental health conditions whether as a chemical
neurological dysfunction or as a result of the misery of the mental
health issues themselves. It seems that my entries are becoming less and
less frequent due to work on my other website and increasing ill health
including depression, and this of course is not helping matters
with regard to visitors as the less your hyperlinks are accessed the
lower your ranking until it virtually disappears altogether. And
of course if no new entries appear fewer people bother to visit, and now
not even my blog appears very high in the search engine rankings. Not
that this is the reason of course that I am discouraged, high ranking
for the sake of high ranking in search engines is not an issue its the
fact that all my hard work seems for nothing if no one sees it. But
things may simply improve with time. In the next year I may transfer my
blog to Word press, it 's all a matter of overcoming certain anxieties
about not having as much control over my blog as I do here on my
website.
On to more positive issues, you see I can be more positive or at any
rate try to be.
Below is an extract from an interesting article from Psychology Today
which concerns not only the obvious intentional types of creativity but
the daily moment to moment opportunities for creativity which are
available to most of us.
Our lives can be filled with creative moments, whatever we do, as
long as we're flexible and open to new possibilities—willing to push
beyond routine. The everyday expression of creativity often takes the
form of trying out a new approach to a familiar dilemma. Yet half the
world still thinks of creativity as a mysterious quality that the other
half has. A good deal of research suggests, however, that everyone is
capable of tapping into his or her creative spirit. We don't just mean
getting better ideas; we're talking about a kind of general awareness
that leads to greater enjoyment of your work and the people in your
life: a spirit that can improve collaboration and communication with
others.
Many of us do not see ourselves as being creative, because we don't have
much of an audience for what we do. In fact, we focus too much on "Big
C" creativity—the glamorous achievements of geniuses—and overlook the
ways each of us displays flair and imagination in our own lives.
"We've become narrow in the way we think about creativity," observes
Teresa Amabile, a psychologist at Brandeis University. "We tend to think
of it as rarefied: artists, musicians, poets. But the cook in her
kitchen is showing creativity when she invents a variation on a recipe."
"
The link below will take you to the complete article although indirectly
through Charity Focus org's Daily Good as I had received this from one
of their daily Good newsletters which is incidentally recommended for
some daily positive news
DailyGood: Positive
News and Inspiration From Around The World the art of creativity
December 14th
Well its the nightmare before
Christmas again, at least that is many people's experience with
Christmas including my own as we can all get so stressed and anxious at
this time of year. How quickly it seems to come round. I think as you
get older time appears to pass more quickly. For many years after losing
my daughter who was still born we did not bother much with Christmas
even though it was one hell of struggle trying to get people to
understand that we wanted to op out, as due to the loss of our baby at
this time there were only unpleasant memories. Moreover Christmas has
always been a misery for me when my OCD one year made it an absolute
hell of fear so much so that when the day finally arrived I was just too
stressed to enjoy it and found myself with my head over the toilet
retching because of the anxiety. It a sad fact that people are very
intolerant of those who do not go along with what ever society demands
and Christmas is one powerful tradition that is hard to ignore. So many
people make themselves miserable over Christmas and never stand back and
analyse the situation asking themselves why they do so. Many
people carry on without thinking it through, its now so ingrained into
the subconscious, so habitual and most are not believers in the
Christian tradition and it they are it is in name only, another
ingrained habit.
I guess in the past I was like that
and it was the power of Christmas tradition that actually delayed my
becoming a vegetarian simply becasue it would interfere with what
constitutes a good Christmas dinner. I am so ashamed now that I ever
thought this way.
I have been a vegetarian now
for over eighteen years and now a vegan for the last two. And yes you can
enjoy your Christmas dinner without a turkey as a vegetarian or vegan. Sad isn't it, to celebrate
the birth of a person whom the Christian tradition accepts as a man of
peace we slaughter millions of these beautiful intelligent sentient
creatures.
Please visit VIVA'S website
and read the shocking reality behind your Christmas dinner.
Viva! - Vegetarians International Voice for Animals turkeys
In the last few years or so we have
got back into Christmas rather more, but certainly not in the way that
most people continue to do.
We send very few cards as we have
no friends, it was only last year though that we sent Christmas
cards to my husband's family. After loosing our daughter other than for
our son we sent no cards or bought presents for anyone for many years.
I try to make an extra effort and
prepare a special meal Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day. And
yes you can have a really tasty meal without causing the death of
another creature.
There are many tasty vegetarian and
vegan recipes out there, see links further down.
You can buy ready prepared "Roasts"
made from Quorn or Soya, these are easily cooked and with all the
trimmings you really don't know you have not had turkey. Quorn is
vegetarian they do two types of roast, a chicken style (note this is
flavouring only no chicken or other meat) and a vegetable roast. Quorn
is vegetarian so not suitable for vegans as it has a small amount
of egg. You can also make or buy vegetarian or vegan sausage rolls and other products. You can get vegetarian/
vegan mince meat and Christmas
cakes and puddings in health food stores and some supermarkets. A
product called "Cheatin meat" have a large selection of imitation meat
now available, from rashers to imitation ‘turkey’ roast. All their
products are vegan
Redwoodfoods In the USA you have Tofurkey a good
selection of vegan alternatives to turkey or other meat for Christmas
and any time.
Turtle Island Foods, Tofurky Meals.
It can be a little more difficult for vegans when
eating out although there are usually at least a couple of vegetarian
meals in pubs and restaurants. We have our favourite pub in the Cumbrian
hills which actually have at least one vegan meal and several vegetarian
meals. At home I cook most of my own cakes and there is no difference,
you can cook without milk using Soya milk and without eggs or using egg
replacer.
Here is what we are hoping to have
all being well of course over the Christmas break. Christmas Eve: Cashew
Nut Roast with a Choice of Two Stuffings; Christmas day, luxury festive
roast, a vegetable roast and all
the trimmings, cranberry sauce, roast potatoes, parsnips and so on and
for desert mince crumble. We do not like Christmas pudding.
Boxing day Onion Tart Tatin, all recipes are vegan and some of them and
others are available here:
Viva! Very Veggie Christmas
Vegan Campaigns.
New years day: Easy Nut Roast
Christmas - Vegan Society.
There are many other tasty meals on
both these websites and many others on the net.
Yes we do like our food and any
excuse for a feast and its all animal friendly
I have to say all being well as one
dare not tempt fate as you all know that even at the best of times
headaches, migraine and other illnesses and unfavourable circumstances
may thwart the best laid plans of mice and men and myself.
There is a huge variety of foods
available for vegetarian and even vegans nowadays in your local
supermarket and health food stores and we can all look reward to a good
tasty meal which is healthier for you and certainly for the turkeys and
other critters.
If you are interested in the
difference between a vegetarian and a vegan please visit the following
websites:
The
Vegetarian Society
Vegan
Society
Basically both vegetarians and
vegans do not eat meat which includes fish of course . The only
difference is vegetarians consume milk and eggs and honey while vegans
do not and avoid any animal product.
Am I trying to convert you all,
well I guess so. Animal welfare is a big issue for me and I am working
frantically on my new website which focuses on this. I am passionate
about animals, I consider them to be thinking sentient beings who feel
fear and pain and suffer in the same way as you and I. While creating my new
website, which was in the beginning only meant to be a website of
interesting facts about sheep with photos and my art work, after reading
about the horrors of factory faming the focus has changed into a
one women campaign to help inform people concerning the dreadful
suffering of animals in factory farms and to hopefully promote
vegetarianism. The whole subject as made me feel very depressed and
deeply sad yet I feel it is something I have to turn my attention
to and do whatever I can to bring about change however small, which
everyone can do in their own way.
We have to focus on something other
than our own suffering, we are not alone in suffering but much suffering
in the world can be avoided and the suffering of animals in factory farms is
one of greatest causes of suffering to animals and one which can easily
be avoided. Here in the UK we pride ourselves as a nation of animal
lovers yet by public consensus millions of creatures live miserable,
painful short lives in factory farms in conditions of appalling
cruelty that you cannot image. I think if people become more aware of
what happens to farm animals many would become vegetarian and eventually
vegan. For more information on factory farming please click the links
below. Conditions in factory farms are the same and worse throughout the
entire world.
http://www.factoryfarming.org.uk/
Farm Sanctuary | Watkins Glen, NY.
Factory Farming: Mechanized Madness // Take Charge! // peta
But
for the sake of some little mouthful of flesh we deprive a soul of the
sun and light, and of that proportion of life and time it had been born
into the world to enjoy.
Plutarch
Please Note: After
publication becasue of a mistake I have had to alter information about
our meals as I had not noticed that one of them was vegetarian rather
than vegan. Sorry for any confusion.
December 15th
I am today attempting to upload
entries on the day they are completed rather than in batches as I
usually do. Okay this and the above link constitutes a batch I suppose
but its a start. I am trying to see if it is in fact easier to upload
entries as they are completed rather than let them accumulate which of
course encourages checking and obsessing which has really become such a
huge problem of late.
Although I make no apology for the
occasional animal welfare entries I do hope no one is upset by them.
Please remember this is a blog, a dairy, a journal and includes both
information of interest regarding the conditions featured on this
website and my personal thoughts and events in my life, and animal
welfare is for me an important issue, an important part of my life. We
cannot view our lives through the narrow focus of our OCD or other
mental health problem there is more to us than our conditions.
I can do very little because of my
poor health but try to do whatever I can within the narrow limitations
of my conditions. I hope this website helps to highlight the plight of
those with mental health issues and I hope my new website will help to
inform people of the plight of farm and other abused animals.
December 18th
We where in Woolworth's today drawn
in by the closing down sale. And you know i really felt so sad, and so
did both my son and husband. Woolworth's for anyone who does not know,
and I can’t imagine that there is anyone in the UK who does not, are
going into liquidation after nearly one hundred years of trading in the
high street.
As a socialist I should of course not really feel this way but often our
hearts do not always follow our thoughts and I felt so sad. It was very
depressing wandering round the store, the half empty shelves some now
entirely dismantled was unsettling and brought a heaviness of heart not
easy to describe, I had not expected to feel this way and I wonder if
others do also. Maybe it’s all the vultures who have descended here to
pick the bones so to speak; in the beginning on the first day of the
sales queues stretched right across the town square. Yet here we are
also looking for a bargain.
Am I simply just over sensitive and subconsciously seek situations about
which to be depressed. After all I imagine like most employers these
days Woolworth’s may not pay their staff decent wages, and in fact
during my lifetime no one working in retail ever got a good wage and I
recall when I was younger being advised by my parents not to go into
retail, as sales assistants where so poorly paid. Also perhaps
Woolworth's just like any other business exploit not only their
employees but also the environment, but I do not know of course about
any of these things one way or another. I just today have these feelings
regardless of the appropriateness to my ideology about private
enterprise, workers rights or the environment.
Maybe it is just my fear of change as Woolworth's has always had a store
in every town for all my life. I recall as a child the old fashioned
highly polished wooden counters which seem so high to a small child and
all the cheap plastic toys which were an utter delight to my sister and
I, a menagerie of clockwork animals, soft toys which my sister and I
particularly liked and for which we saved our money, and counters
crammed with sweets and so on . Woolworth's affectionately called
woollies has become over the years a little more sophisticated and not
so cheap but in some ways has retained it original identify. It is the
end of an era and I shall miss it.
Perhaps it is part of the general depression and anxiety that is now so
pervasive during this time of worrying change when no one feels secure.
Change frightens me and there are some rapid and unexpected changes
happening all the time. This Christmas it will be a miserable worrying
time for many people who will loose their jobs, not only employees of
Woolworth's but all the other workers who have lost their jobs in recent
months or are set to loose them in the coming year. Must be awful for
people who work there, my husband knows only too well what it is like to
be discarded after years of working in the same job and no recompense,
and right at Christmas.
Perhaps my sadness is simply a result of always feeling sorry for the
underdog and I often feel sorry for people whose ideologies are in
opposition to my own and even individuals whom I do not like if they are
in dire circumstances.
Depression and sadness are simply felt are they not even though the the
whys and wherefores may seem incongruous to my opinions, ideals,
philosophies and so on. I think if we are prone to depression we become
more keenly aware and sensitive to any unfavourable circumstances either
our own or that of other's.
Odd though how I can pick up on or empathise if you like with negative
but never positive emotions. In positive situations, sorry can't think
of any right now as an example, I can never share in the happiness,
certainly never empathise, but unhappiness, depression , anxiety, stress
that type of emotion I pick up the mood like a magnet attracting iron
fillings.
December 20th
I found it very difficult to get to sleep last night. Before going to
bed I had written out my son's birthday card from my husband and myself,
it is his birthday today, it will be the only birthday greetings card he
gets. He will get several presents but they will all be from my husband
and I. I am not trying to solicit sympathy nor am I wallowing in
self-pity I am simply trying to tell you what it is like for someone
with Aspergers syndrome AS. If your are new to my blog and this website
and do not know what AS is the NAS society provide a good explanation:
The National Autistic Society - What is Asperger syndrome?
People with As and others who have disorders that make social
interaction difficult often find that on their birthday and at Christmas
he or she will have few cards or presents, sometimes none at all. There
are a good number of people in our society who lead lonely lives
separated from others by an inability to fit in with society, to make
and keep friends, such conditions include as already said AS and also of
course other autism spectrum disorders ASDs, social anxiety /social
phobia and avoidant personality disorder. Indeed anyone with a mental
health problem may find some difficulty with social interaction. For the
individual concerned what should be a happy day can instead serve to
highlight a part of their lives to which for the rest of the time he or
she may have become habituated or just endured, sometimes without much
thought concerning the detriment to their lives that results from their
inability to make friends and be a part of society .
For a parent or other relative it can be very sad indeed and last night
I could not sleep for a long time thinking about my son and how lonely
he is, how difficult it is for him to make friends and how since moving
here he appears to have given up even trying to do so. With very few
exceptions he avoids people whenever possible and if of necessity he has
to associate with someone he has never met or does not know well he can
become very stressed for days prior to, for instance, an appointment. In
many ways I am in a similar position and avoid social interaction
whenever possible due to the levels of anxiety such encounters generate.
It is not that he or I wish to be unsociable, it is just so stressful,
thinking of what to say, responding to another person, processing
incoming information fast enough to respond with an answer and often
feeling awkward knowing you have said the wrong thing but for reasons
you really do not understand.
I am rather angry with my husband's relatives who have never sent him a
birthday card but that is partly the fault of my husband and I who have
never sent most of them a card either. Perhaps if they knew the
situation they may send him a card and I feel guilty that I have not
made the effort to arrange this but it is difficult get people to
understand AS, describing it as a variant of autism really confuses them
as he like many with AS simply do not fit the stereo typical image of a
person with autism. Besides he would know that such cards would be
insincere.
Well its new year soon and perhaps one of our resolutions this year
should be to try and get our son out and about in society although this
is easier said than done. We have encouraged him from time to time to
join societies and groups such as an artists or photography group, where
he can join in but not have to make conversation, at least not small
talk, so much yet still be part of a group. He does go to art history
classes for one morning each week but those take place only during term
time and are due soon to have reached their end and in any case may
become too expensive as the government add to the misery of people lives
already burdened by debt , high utility prices and so on by
significantly raising the cost of adult education. In the situation of
the art class he is better able to cope as the subject focuses on an
interest of his about which he knows a considerable amount of
information, although at times there have been awkward moments of tongue
tiredness. These days in such classes one cannot just sit at the back
and simply listen and complete assignments, rather group participation
is included and students gather to discuss issues relating to the course
in small groups and this can be difficult. And in some ways after a time
he seems to find this type of situation more difficult than he did at
first.
It can be a real struggle for people like my son , my sister had also
similar problems and it was not until a few years before she died that
she finally made a huge effort to cope with her social anxieties and
learnt to participate, albeit with extreme difficulty with social
activities.
Incidentally I asked my son if he
was upset about the lack of Birthday cards, to which he relied that he
most definitely was not. But hey for me it was still sad and I had a
difficult time shaking off the depression resulting from my thoughts in
this regard.
December 21st
Well it looks like I have failed in
my attempt to update my blog with individual entries as they are
completed . It will take some time and involves a change in routine.
Changes as already discussed are difficult for me particualry changes in
routine and it may take a while for me to do this. The entries above
where completed on the day they where written and checked a couple of
times and they should have been published straight afterwards.
And yes it does sound easy but
there where OCD anxieties about these entries, which if they where
uploaded on the day they were completed of course would make life
easier, althoughI do admit to changing and altering entries when they
are on-line and even removing entries which are causing anxiety. It can
also be very time consuming to write and publish on the same day as of
course I will need to check more thoroughly plus it can sometimes be
quite a performance getting the computer to
cooperate
It is easier said than done to
simply click the publish button, although I will endeavour next time to
do so.
This will be one of my new year's
resolutions as the new year seems a good time to embark on what for me
is a difficult task but which will make life easier in the long term, at
least in theory.
As is usual at this time of the
year over the Christmas period I will not be on-line to respond to
e-mail from the 24th December until 2nd January.
I really need to take a break after
the stress and anxiety that is my day to day life of course but which
can become more so at this time. Recently also I have been more anxious
and depressed than usual, confused and forgetful. Sometimes I think I
try to do to much. Writing of late has become very difficult. Yesterday
whilst writing an article for a webpage for my new website which I
have already spent weeks writing, researching, editing, checking,
obsessing I just could not recall what I had written in one paragraph
but felt that in a paragraph further down I had repeated myself. But I
just could not sort it out, I moved paragraphs, checked for more
information, read and reread over and over until I was exhausted
stressed and depressed. And still I am not satisfied with this website
and can't get my head together to sort out the repetitive part. it
really is difficult for me to try and explain.
The problem is, is it good idea to
have a break from writing or to struggle on through. I feel I need
to give my brain a rest as the more I use it the more brain fogged and
confused I get. You have to keep in mind when you suffer with OCD that
your brain's hyperactive active all time, occupied with endless
streams of thoughts all vying for dominance but all with the purpose it
seems to make you life misery. Oftentimes you can find yourself so
exhausted that it is not possible to think of anything else or to see a
more rational perspective. And this is particularly so if you are trying
to write something complex, where you need to research, find and relate
information. OCD checking really has a field day here and you find
yourself left checking facts over and over. You than have more
information which you than feel you really must add. Information which
people will not read as the web page gets longer and longer
Anyway before this web page gets
longer and longer I will leave it there.
I do worry when I do not access my
e-mail and last year one or two people did not read my message here
telling them I would not be on-line and they had wondered why I had not
responded.
But at the best of times writing is
difficult and I really do need a break
So just to reiterate I will not be
available to respond to e-mail from 24th December until January 2nd.
I wish you all a happy Christmas
and hope the New years brings you peace and good health.
Above is a selection of Photographs
taken on a trip we made to
Middleton-in- Teedale during a recent heavy fall of snow. I hope
to include more of these photos on John's photographs section in the New
year.
All are sized for desk top wall
paper and will open into a new window.
*
Disclaimer
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have
selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the
comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect
my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
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