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Aspergers syndrome: A personal consideration (extended version)
Social interaction problems: Asperger Syndrome
I
consider that I may have Asperger syndrome (AS) or other
autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
Receiving a diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome if such is
appropriate might help me to understand why I have had
such a difficult life concerning my relationships with other
people and why I have never fitted in socially not even with
other OCD sufferers.
Symptoms which lead me to consider the possibility that I
may have Aspergers syndrome. Difficulties with social interaction The title of Robert Heinlein’s science fiction novel “A Stranger in a Strange Land” nicely describes how I feel for most of the time. I have difficulties initiating, maintaining and ending a conversation For as long as I can remember I have experienced hampered conversational ability. I do not fit in socially. I am unable to think fast enough to form the words to communicate quickly or clearly, neither can I think or process information quickly enough to respond in the way people expect. I am often therefore unable to express my thoughts, or say what I wish to say or even to formulate thoughts quickly enough to respond. I cannot think of anything to say, sometimes there are no thoughts there no matter how much time I have to respond. I find speaking to anyone difficult. I find it very difficult to express myself verbally and this is especially so if I need to discuss health issues or emotional problems. However any type of verbal communication does not come naturally, even the most simple of social interaction is difficult. I am hopeless at small talk. I dread making a phone call. In a group of people I will remain silent feeling awkward, conspicuous, tongue-tied. I become quietly panicky, wanting to say something but not able to do so. I invariably feel awkward not just because of my inability to participate or initiate conversation but also in a way not easy to describe as though I feel physically out of place, clumsy and awkward with unnatural movements, and I feel as though this is noticeable. It is as though there is an barrier between me and others, it is as though there is no connection with others. These communication difficulties I believe, have been a detriment in getting people to understand my OCD problems particularly now that they are so complicated and interwoven. I find it easier to write than talk although there is still a problem with writing. I do write prolifically and it does take inordinate lengths of time not only because of the OCD checking and rumination problems but also because it is difficult for me to find the correct words to express myself. I rehearse expected conversations, impromptu conversations leave me tongue-tied. I find it difficult to switch conversation topics. I do not know how to interact with others; I am socially inept and don’t fit in. I have throughout my life virtually found it impossible to form relationships with people of my own peer group. Even when young I referred the company of much older people. With very few exceptions I have had few close relationships. At the present time I have no friends. Childhood was a lonely experience of social isolation, I avoided unnecessary contact with other children. During adulthood attempts to be normal with rehearsed conversations and contrived attempts at fitting in produced some superficial friendships but little else. Notwithstanding such social ineptitudes I met my husband and we are soul mates and this, believe it or not, may be due to the fact that he also may have some autistic disorder along with attention deficit disorder I used to consider my social inabilities as a form of social phobia. Now however I think my social inabilities may be due to Asperger syndrome and the phobic element arises from fears concerning rejections by society who fail to understand my social interaction problems. When I am involved in conversation, which sadly is becoming less often, I find it difficult to maintain a flow of conversation and often not knowing when to change subjects - I usually leave that to the other person who finally gets bored with my inability to change topics. I just do not know when a subject has concluded and how to introduce another without an abrupt change. I repeat things over and over. Knowing when a subject has concluded is ambiguous and awkward. Also there is the problem of not knowing what to say unless the conversation is about something which I am interested in or have a passionate opinion about such as politics and religion. I can't concentrate on mundane conversations and my mind wanders off somewhere and I look spaced out and miss what has been said. Such of course is a significant impairment in all areas of social function either with friendships or even simply to make complaints or an enquiry . Telephones are the worst means of communication and is more difficult than a face to face conversation. Letters and Email are much easier, however instant messages can be a problem though there is at least more time to think. I lost a job many years ago; I was told that because I did not join in conversations that I made the atmosphere uncomfortable for my co workers. There are so many similar examples which have occurred throughout my life. During conversations I cannot process information fast enough to respond. To use computer analogy: It is as though I am working with Pentium 1 while everyone else is on Pentium 4 sometimes I just freeze and cant think of any response.
Furthermore my
inability to interact with others has increased quite
dramatically I no longer answer the telephone leaving this
task my husband. I will use the telephone if I am initiating
the call and know the person I am telephoning and have some
idea what to say having rehearsed this, and I sometimes I
write it all down first. Nonetheless I am anxious when
making a phone call and often procrastinate until I really
am compelled to do so often until it is too late. For
instance the insurance ran out on my computer before I made
the phone call concerning a fault with my monitor now I will
have to buy a new one. I once belonged to a computer club my husband had to go with me even though he has no interest in computers. The other members where of similar age most older than I. But I could simply not fit in. I felt conspicuous awkward and for most part both of us where excluded, left out. I know enough about computers to join in intelligently, even enough to perhaps help others with their problems but no I simply do not know how to integrate, social interaction does not come naturally at all not like it appears to do for many others who mix and converse without a thought as naturally as the way that we breathe, without any forethought or anxiety. Part of the problems lies in the fact that I do not share with others my interests. For instance I could have mentioned my son’s website which I created for him in the beginning. But no there is something that prevents me from doing so, something I cannot quite put my finger on. I find it difficult to tell people much of anything perhaps I simply do not know how. I see a situation that allows for an opening but often I let such situations pass overcome by a hesitancy, the reason for which is often very difficult to define. Mostly I am lost for words. For instance one day another member was sitting there looking at a front-page manual, the same software I have used to create both websites. Now I could have said to him something like: Have you created a website? Are you in the process of creating a website. I have used front page to create my website... There are any number of things I could have said to initiate conversation yet I did not as at the time I could not think how to say these things and the moment passed as so often it does. Maybe it is that I have to organise what I say and even after doing so when I open my mouth to speak it is unnatural and comes out muddled and I often stammer and than the eye contact problems adds even more difficulties. Yes there is no doubt that others can tell that I have a problem with eye contact. Other social interaction difficulties include difficulties in accepting criticism or correction. I am naïve and tend to trust others and often miss the devious intentions of others. This has resulted in a certain level of paranoia. I have difficulty with reciprocal displays of pleasantries and greetings and congratulatory responses, feeling awkward not knowing quite how to go about this in particular as such attempts are often ignored.
Difficulty with eye Contact
Difficulty with
physical contact
Inability to share achievements Sharing interests and pointing out things of interest to other people is difficult and in fact after so long of never doing this it has become a habit not to do so and I tend not to think about it. I will sometimes point out things of interest to my husband and son but with others, acquaintances and strangers, I would never point out anything of interest even if I knew that the person concerned was interested. Why I do not know, I simply feel uncomfortable or I simply cannot express myself articulately to do so and often in many conversations I can’t get a word in sometimes, and I do not know how to interrupt other than abruptly. It appears to me that with very few exceptions most people talk and talk. My brain gets overloaded I can’t focus on what they‘re saying, particularly if the conversation is mundane or trivial. This is one of the most difficult problems I have conversing with others other than actually not knowing what to say, most times in situations were the other person is talking incessantly I either never say a word or I have to blurt out what I am going to say and the person than seems surprised. I understand that many people with AS will talk incessantly about their interests but more like a monologue rather than a proper conversation. For me with anyone other than my husband or son this is something I never do as I cannot communicate sufficiently well enough to do so. Even with my husband and son I really do not talk much about my interests.
I lack social or
emotional reciprocity Concerning Emotional responses, these are out of proportion to the situation, they are basically more intense and mostly negative. Concerning other people’s feelings and my attempts at responding to such: I believe I have some empathy - at least what I assume is empathy and not some kind of transference. My emotions and empathy it seems are all or nothing. It appears that I have only empathy for people whom I consider are experiencing the same emotions as myself :unhappiness, pain, stress and other negative emotions . Indeed I am very sensitive to negative emotions and feel profoundly the sorrow and misery of others even those I do not know. (And the pain and misery of animals whose suffering causes me immense pain). I once saw a homeless person in the street crying. I offered help but my inarticulate manner made matters worse, I then cried myself. Often I am overwhelmed completely by the sorrow of the entire world - at least my perceived sorrow of the entire world. However, and this is the crux of the matter, I have no empathy for the more joyful emotions of others. For instance I cannot get all excited if someone announces a wedding or pregnancy the way other people do, such events leave me cold. I just don’t have the emotions and find it hard to fake them for the benefit of others. Furthermore I cannot express what empathy I do have (or perhaps it’s my transferred misery which I think is empathy) to another. My empathy or emotions are simply not the same as other people’s appear to be, mine are perhaps inappropriate, for instance I recall many years ago during a bad time with my OCD how I genuinely cried when hearing a commentary on the radio about Robbie Burns, who died in his thirties and how on the day of his funeral his wife gave birth. I recall actually crying, I mean seriously crying, as it felt so sad. It has to be said if I am to be entirely honest, there are times when my emotions towards others seem dead as though they have been turned off and I feel cold and indifferent, and often times this occurs with people I know well rather than those I do not. I feel ashamed for on a different level, a non emotional level, I do care about this person and what happens to them and should they be in dire straits I often go out of my way often at detriment to myself to offer help, yet the actual emotions are non existent. Conversely I see a person who I do not know who is clearly distressed or severely disabled and I experience what I assume is compassion. I prefer animals to most people, at least I have stronger feelings towards animals. In the same way as I have more feelings towards disadvantage people. Perserverations and repetitive behaviours As a sufferer of OCD there is of course some overlap, however the preoccupations, in other words obsessions that I refer to here are intense and addictive interests and not the same as the OCD obsessions, and I do know the difference. For me there has always been some intense and obsessive preoccupation with some interest, idea or activity. In the last few years it has been the computer including: my website site, graphics programs, the internet and so on. I have other interests such as art but this is not such an obsession and quite often a good deal of my art work has something to do with the computer anyway, such as my attempts to make hand drawn clip art. I often resent having to do other things to the extent that my depression becomes more profound and I become irritated. I have a long deep and abiding religious preoccupation however this may have more to do with the OCD as there are many religious and superstitious obsessions and compulsions. Nonetheless religion as a comprehensive interest in all religious belief is indeed one of my interests and you would be hard pressed to find a book in my home which belonged to me that was not about religion, philosophy, metaphysics or esoteria. Yet I do not now believe in any religion. In the past I have had periods of intense interest in many obscure and narrow interests such as the Chinese cultural evolution, the Bolshevik revolution and the culture and religion of Tibet. Such interests have been pursued often at the exclusion of all others. I like to read but the focus is on my interest, although nowadays I tend to read little fiction feeling it a waste of time. Concerning fiction usually the story has to have a point, I have to have leaned something from it, it has to be serious. I prefer science fiction the type that teaches something or expresses a theory. In fact everything I do has to have some purpose, this tendency has increased recently; many things such as certain TV programs I once enjoyed now seem pointless and boring, a waste of time. These intense interests change, some return when replaced by a new interest others do not. The only difference between myself and most people with Aspergers is memory. Although I have this tendency to be preoccupied in narrow and limited subjects I do not have the good memory associated with Aspergers syndrome for all the facts and figures, at least not with the ease of seemingly effortless memory associated with Aspergers syndrome. If you asked me to tell you dates and other facts concerning any of the subjects which interest me either now or in the past I would not be able to recall them at least not in that precise way that most people with Aspergers are able. To put it simply my memory is poor. Particularly my short term memory. I can’t recall the unusual collections of odd items associated with sufferers of Asperger in childhood except for a time during which I collected car registration numbers and Lego both to collect and to construct. In recent years I have collected huge numbers of stuffed sheep, ornamental sheep, pictures of sheep and after buying a digital camera, I of course take endless photographs of sheep. I do seem to be rather be obsessed with sheep not in an OCD way as I have said before I do most certainly know the difference. I have collected crystals and our home looks like a geology museum. It is a tendency of mine not to know when to stop collecting things and it is only money that prevents indefinite additions to such collections. I do get fed up with one thing and move to another but the collections are never given away or otherwise disposed of.
Attention deficits
Adherence to
routines or rituals Today I do not like changes in routine and changes in plans really upset and confuse me. I become angry and agitated and experience considerable stress if there is change or the interruption in my routine. After four years I am still not settled in my new home and I have not completely recovered from the shock of this huge change in routine. I do not like changing immediate plans. I like to know each day what I am doing and when. I am not at all spontaneous and cannot cope with ambiguity. Repetitive motor mannerisms I have the involuntary compulsion to rock backwards and forwards without realising this and was teased for this at work in my late teens where it was first bought to my attention. I continue to do this today. Other less noticed mannerisms include swinging my leg or foot when sitting cross legged and also swaying from side to side.
Developmental delay
Following is list of other diagnostic criteria associated with Asperger syndrome or other ASD which seem not to be included in the DSM Sensory problems:
Auditory
Physical sensation
of touch and clothing etc.
Bright lights are a
problem particularly florescent. A mixture of all the above such as in a cafe where there is music, bright lights, background noise - such as from coffee machines, the rattle of cutlery, the babble of background conversations, children yelling or crying and the pressure to make conversation is overwhelming. In such conditions I can barely think, my nerves are heightened, my stress levels rise and difficulties with conversation are more accentuated and I can barely hear or concentrate on what the other person is saying. I can become completely overwhelmed. Other problems (I am not sure if these have anything to do with AS).
I don’t like crowds.
Prone to tantrums.
Other peoples
opinions
Multitasking
Concentration
Information overload.
Face recognition
Tuning out, going
blank
Perfectionist
I am generally hypercritical, negative and unforgiving, fixating on bad experiences with people or events for an inordinate lengths of time. I adhere to rules perhaps too rigidly. I am mainly a serious minded person everything has to have some meaning or purpose. I have difficulty generalising for example this explanation which is in fact only a third of the original length. I am told what I write is over detailed and rambling but to me it appears inefficient, as to my way of thinking all the details matter or at least I have difficulty knowing which do not. I cannot be concise. It is the some with my artwork, if I try to point from a photo I try to add every detail I do not have the knack of painting the general aspects thus art is frustrating. I am indecisive this is significant indecision can be crippling indeed. I ruminated over and over whether to give you all these written explanations and whatever ever I have decided I will consider that I have done the wrong thing and should have decided differently. This however may be more related to my overall anxiety. I feel it is important for me to know one way or another if I have AS or other ASD; in addition to the reasons mentioned earlier it may be difficult to get help from support groups such as the Autistic society as they may not provide support without a formal diagnosis if such is appropriate. I think most people like a label it helps them understand what is wrong and to have something to relate to, and I am no exception.
I consider
that AS has an effect on my OCD because the stress over my
communication problems and sensory issues increases my
anxiety. As OCD is made worse by increases in anxiety and
stress consequently, along with the reasons mentioned above,
AS has a detrimental effect on my OCD Return to : Articles
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