April 2nd

Well it has been a while since I have written in my journal I really wish that I could make more regular entries but sadly until some improvement can be made concerning my compulsion to check written material this will not be possible. Also sometimes things are pretty much the same, the familiar and well-aired experiences concerning all my OCD manifestations present themselves over and over in much the same way except that there is definitely a worsening of my symptoms. And it should be taken as read that I am affected by OCD each and everyday for most of the time. Often I have to remind myself that a lot of what I do, and particularly what I think, and my perspectives and reactions to daily everyday circumstances that normal people take in their stride and think little of are effected by my OCD and are rendered as a consequence more traumatic than would other wise be the case. A case in point is the long saga of my washing machine which is not functioning: the refusal of the shop to replace it: the significant delay in repairing it and the worry stress and severe anger at trying to find out my rights in this matter and asserting them. Such become major problems for me as a suffer of OCD particularly during a time when washing compulsions have increased. That coat mentioned in an earlier entry has been washed again and a new denim jacket I have only bought a week or so ago has been washed three times already. I could not even complete the task of ironing it before it was contaminated again! My husband’s expression was indeed pained but he accepted it although he really does not understand.
However I have been encouraged this week by three e-mails from fellow OCD sufferers who have either read my book or are going to do so. It is encouraging to know that others have read it and liked my writing. I would like to thank everyone who has written to me about my book and my website since I went on-line in October of last year. I have not had a lot of e-mail and wondered if anyone was visiting the site although the statistics said otherwise. So I appreciated the time taken and your comments. It is an enormous task to create a website and also it has been quite a stressful experience for me to have revealed so much about myself so publicly in my memoir and it was just great to hear it that it has been read.. No sadly my memoir is not uplifting or encouraging it is simply an accurate account of my life and as one person so aptly wrote conveys the “emotional horror” of OCD. My memoir is quite long, I have had OCD all my life and I am in late middle age and I have severe OCD in multiple manifestations. I have written my memoir and other accounts including this journal to help convey to non-suffers the misery that is OCD and if it helps to do this my efforts will have been worthwhile. I also hope it will make sufferers of particularly severe OCD feel less alone as I did when my religious OCD first presented. This was horrifying ordeal which would have been alleviated if I had been more informed and had had access to the experiences of others who sufferer similarly. Sadly when my condition become severe the illness was far less well understood and I felt so isolated.
If my writing in anyway helps to relieve such feelings of isolation or indeed alienation, another form of loneliness often experienced by sufferers of OCD due to misunderstanding concerning the pain that this illness causes, I will have considered my efforts worthwhile. Yes in general awareness concerning this condition has improved greatly from when I was younger but there is still room for considerable improvement. No, no one who does not suffer in this way will ever feel really empathise but I hope that at least what I have written will help others to understand our suffering and make it easier for sufferers to be more open about their condition and gain some sympathy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a bit of sympathy is there. Why not! We suffer greatly and if others recognise that and make allowances for us well that can only be good thing.

April 4th
Noise! Noise! Noise! I am so utterly tired of noise everywhere I go and I mean everywhere. Even in the North York moors the peace and tranquillity was shattered recently by the loud intrusive playing of music in an otherwise quite hamlet of cottages in total disregard to either residents or any one visiting the neighbouring ruins of an old abbey nearby. Noise to me is anathema. Well actually music is anathema. As is also the racket of machinery, no one can even cut an hedge these days without the use of noisy equipment never mind that it is a Sunday afternoon and the only time when one can hope for at least a reduction of the incessant noise that we are all exposed to on a daily basis.

Nowadays you an go nowhere without the accompaniment of music, most of it is the irritating middle of the road stuff but no matter what the type of music it is intrusive, if it is it not to your taste it’s pure misery. Even if it is to your liking perhaps when you are trying to do something difficult and anxiety inducing you do not want loud music blaring in your ears. Yesterday my husband and I went to a voluntary organisation whose purpose is to help anyone with legal and similar matters. In the reception loud classical music was blaring out, the lady who tried to listen to what we were saying failed to quite understand and we left having failed to even ask one simple question. Why is it that certain people think that it is not quite as intrusive or as stressful to others if the music is classical? How do they imagine anyone with an anxiety disorder or tension headache or indeed any one trying to cope with a difficult child for example can cope with the Ride of the Valkyries by Wagner in a cramped little shop crowded with people! Yet that is what I had to contend with recently. I could not think straight and walked out with out making a purchase.

Most people these days seem tense I would imagine due to the increasing pressure society imposes upon it’s members. People nowadays make each other’s lives a misery. And one of the ways we are doing so is by imposing music upon one another indiscriminately everywhere we go and I mean everywhere; supermarkets, most waiting rooms including the job centre, public toilets, to name just a few. In fact to cut a long list very short the only publics place I have entered recently that does not have music is the library. Moreover in certain supermarkets and one in particular in addition to extremely loud music the pervasive racket will be interrupted by the annoying noise of very intrusive and loud advertising, you can barely think. More often than not I returned home without half of what I came for, I now no longer shop at this supermarket. How do they think that someone suffering from panic attacks would cope when subjected to such a high volume of noise? Not of course that such considerations occur and stores and else where are now in the position that no matter what they do they will not please everyone. I recently complained in a local electrical store. I was told that people actually complain if the music is too low or absent as the complainants felt uncomfortable shopping in the quiet feeling as though they were being watched! And it's me who is crazy! (With or without music they are of course being watched: Britain I believe has the most CCTVs in the world! ) So you can’t please everyone but where did it all start I wonder. My sister was never able to cope with such noise due to her anxiety even when she was young. And when I was a child of preschool age I had to be tranquilised because I screamed whenever I was in the street most likely due to the noise of traffic which of course in those days was considerably less than it is now and there was not the additional intrusive noise of loud music as there is today.
 
Perhaps music does calm the savage breast as the saying goes but for me it drives me to distraction. I recall when my headaches were extremely severe for months on end virtually without abatement and by necessity I had to go out with my husband just to get some air. I was on this occasion so angry as a sports car roared through the village with no regard for anyone’s safely or peace; music thumping, engines roaring no concern whatsoever for anyone else. I did shout at him and was abusive and I felt guilty afterwards but I get so tired of every ones’ inconsideration. In the USA there are over 4 million sufferers of chronic daily headache I have no idea how many there are here in the UK; a considerable member I would imagine. Plus sufferers of anxiety disorders, also autistic and Asperger’s sufferers are effected by noise along with countless others who are ill or who are just plain tense and long for some quiet. When will those of us who want a bit of peace and quiet be treated with more consideration? Sorry about having such a long moan and I guess it is a matter of perspective but music should be limited to pubs - although I personally think pubs are for socialising - clubs, dancehalls and such like. Even if you re a big music lover and say for instance love heavy metal than perhaps classical will drive you crazy when you are subjected to it particularly if you are at all stressed or in any way vulnerable! Any one else affected adversely by intrusive music. Any disagree?

April 7th
I really do feel so tearful today I could cry at the drop of a hat but as of course is now the case these days I cannot as such will not help my headache problems and I have so many pressures today that I cannot risk the occurrence of a headache simply to indulge myself in crying. During the last few days I have experienced palpitations and an increase in the slight congested feelings in my chest that I have had now for a couple of years. I really am in a quandary: I have hyphochonrical type fears concerning these and other symptoms yet I have a lot of anxiety about visiting the doctors or other medical appointments. Even an eye test brings with it a considerable build up of anxiety along with an acute attack of panic when the time actually arrives when my anxiety goes through the roof long with an attack of irritable bladder which now in recent years invariably adds another dimension of such misery.

I have avoided going to the doctors for over a year! In the last year or so it has been such an ordeal to go I have simply hoped for the best whenever a new symptom has arisen despite the torment of hypochondriacal fears which haunt me daily. However the fear of going to visit the doctor far outweighs such fears until the last few weeks when the palpitations began.
 
OCD washing rituals prior to such an appointment add to the anxiety of attending. I have to have clean cloths, everything! And it is not simply a matter of taking clean cloths from my wardrobe. No they have to be specially clean and I have to select something the day prior to the appointment to ensure it is clean in just the right way. Naturally I have to shower and wash my hair. Now such would of course be normal for anyone who would need to be examined however in my case such rituals would be carried out even if I knew I would not be examined if for instance I was merely going for some routine matter that did not require and examination. Also it is not merely a case of simply washing and showering as a normal person would. I will probably shower several times, feeling that throughout the procedure I have somehow become re –contaminated. Perhaps I will have the notion that the towel is not clean and it has come into contact with something I feel to be contaminated for example the laundry basket. Even though I take great effort to stand as far away from anything which will propitiate more washing compulsions if accidental contact occurs, invariably I will feel that I have been re contaminated. Also the timing has to be precise it is no good having plenty of time to wait before my appointment otherwise I will end up having to most likely go through all the miserable procedure yet again.

Another concern now involves my fear of hospitals and medical procedures. Like my mother who avoided anything remotely invasive I am now becoming very fearful indeed of the prospect of having to be examined in an invasive way. I have always of course been anxious and very nervous of such but not in the way I am nowadays. In the last five years or so I have been anxious to mention conditions that may lead to having to go to hospital and have an invasive examination. The dentist is of course another  real problem of this type and it has always been. I have a tooth that really needs some attention but besides my phobic inhibition for a visit to the dentist I simply cannot cope with the anticipatory anxieties that may occur weeks a head of such appointments. Hey my heart even sinks just thinking about the need to visit the optician in the autumn!

Moreover it is the fear that the doctor will tell me I have some life threatening or a serious illnesses. I know that I would never cope with knowing that I had some life threatening illness and the forthright openness of today’s doctors scares me. I really really do not want to know, after all what good does such knowledge do to anyone particularly to chronic anxiety sufferers!

Such fears and reasons for avoidance are of course dangerous and if the time came that I knew that I had delayed and that because of this delay I had endangered my health and chances of  recovery I would of course be tormented and torn apart by regret and berate myself for not getting help sooner. Yet the fear of going is huge I have never experienced this problem quite so profoundly ever! Up until about two years or so ago I would be at the doctors at least once each month and when I was younger I would be at the doctors virtually every week! Years ago palpitations that occurred out of surgery hours would have had me down the emergency department or at least on the phone to the doctor but no last night my heart was palpitating and I  was scared but would not call a doctor or seek help. I hope I find the courage from somewhere to go tomorrow. I am dammed if do but dammed if I do not an increasingly common  situation nowadays when symptoms of my anxiety disorders contradict one another and opposing fears tear my life apart.

April 8th
As expected I did have a considerable difficulty when preparing to keep my doctor’s appointment. I started getting ready two hours before time having spent a fear filled day of extreme anxiety. Getting cold feet I looked for an excuse to cancel the appointment. The phone rang, hope arose: what if it's the doctor's receptionist telling me the appointment has been cancelled. Unlikely this has never happened. My heart sank it was only the gas company. Hope can be so destructive can it not, clinging to straws hope often festers into bitter disappointments as we cling desperately to chance however remote that all will be well and we may be saved from whatever it is we anticipate. Of course it would be better to get it over with after all I have been tormented with anxieties the entire week if not the entire three weeks since the appointment was made and the thought has played upon my mind in-between the other torments of which I have been subjected to my entire life. Yes it would be best to get it over with otherwise I will only have the worries to contend with all over again.

It was as predicted an agony of mental torture preparing my cloths and showering three times in fact. Through the haze of aguish of going through these seemingly self imposed compulsions deep inside on a level of awareness not easy accessed I knew that others would not behave in such way and all my washing and all my fears were not normal. Why, why can’t I see it ? Why do I always give in and comply with my tormenter, my OCD. Just to get a bit of peace maybe from its unrelenting insistence. But it is never never ever satisfied, it’s greedy and insatiable; the more you give in to the obsessive thoughts that fuel the fire of the compulsions the stronger the illness becomes and the more demanding it is. You begin way back hardly noticing what is happening just going and washing your hands one more time feeling a little anxious that you have not washed them properly after perhaps touching something you have suddenly become uncomfortable about coming into contact with, but you have not really noticed this either and neither have you asked yourself why you have suddenly developed this notion. Than next time you wash several more times and more thoroughly; when this is not enough you return again and again and now you have to wash the taps as well otherwise you are re contaminated again and have to re-wash. No it will not be satisfied and you find something else to become anxious about another precaution you need to take and again you wash, it is never sufficient and the more you give in the more it demands from you. Eventually you begin to avoid touching things in your environment that will precipitate hand washing as it becomes so exhausting.

Than after a while a thought will enter your mind and you are than washing to avoid specific diseases; instead of vague fears of contamination you now wash as you have suddenly been over whelmed by the thought that you have for example contracted rabies by touching a book a friend who owns a dog has leant to you. Even more bizarre you than have to wash your hands because you have just read the word rabies in an article you were reading. Or the author of a book you are reading may have been to a country where rabies can be contracted and you cannot convince yourself that you have not got rabies from something the author may have touched. The notion occurs that he or she may have been touched by someone who has touched an animal which may have rabies which is passed on by a long chain reaction: the author touches the manuscript; the publisher than touches the manuscript and passes it on to numerous others such as the printer to the wholesaler the retailer and so on down a long chain of contamination. Surely logic should tell you that such is not possible I hear the non-sufferer say. What logic! Under the throes of severe OCD there is no logic. This particular example is less of a problem now although I continue to find it difficult to handle such a book and the thoughts remain and continue to exist alongside new problems with equally irrational and fearful scenarios.

Back to the doctor’s finally I managed to go sitting in the waiting room with fearful anticipation I regret going and fight the compulsion to go home. A dog is standing by the door as the automatic doors slide open and shut in response to its erratic movements. My tension is heightened: if the dog gets in I really will freak out.

Finally the appointment is over I have to have an x-ray. It could have been worse. The doctor thinks it is nothing much but I wish I had not gone, as I will worry about the outcome. So now I have to get my self-ready to go for an x-ray, which of course will generate similar difficulties already described.
I am finding it enormously stressful to write about this particular aspect of my disorder concerning medical procedures and I may not therefore include further entries, which will in any case be simply more of the same fearful scenarios. However often in such situations it is the fear of anticipation thinking about all the dreadful scenarios of what might happen concerning possible awful catastrophes prior to any fearfully anticipated event which sometimes is far the most destructive to my well being than the actual experience.

April 9th
A trip out into the Cheviot hills on an exceptionally bitterly cold spring day is rather an ordeal but I do so love this part of our locality. But today I am not well and have problems with irritable bladder not to mention a bad tension headache which remains after having suffered a migraine during the night. I know I appear to be a bit of a moaner but I do have so much to contend with so many illnesses which make life difficult and aggravate my OCD. Such is the bladder problem, most likely caused by stress it generates more stress as the need arises to use public conveniences some of which I will not enter and others are few and far between. such misery of course mars my day along with the evitable shower when I return home.

Nonetheless it was great to see the lovely scenery here untouched and unspoiled; only narrow winding roads lead into the hills. Sheep are everywhere sheep with long shaggy coats and the cutest of lambs wearing little plastic jackets which I assume the purpose of which is to protect them from the bitter cold. There is snow on the hills and the wind blows icy. I am a sensitive person perhaps but I feel again that familiar sadness which wells up inside knowing the eventual fate of these adorable creatures. I do not wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable but this blog is about how I feel and all blogs by anyone are self opinionated. It saddens my heart to think of animals being raised to be slaughtered it is the way I am and I make no apologies except to say that I am not having a go at anyone who thinks differently. I do however take home a little of this sadness which will return time and time again and is heightened whenever I pass a butcher's shop or come into contact with any other reminder.

April 11th
But for the sake of some little mouthful of flesh we deprive a soul of the sun and light, and of that proportion of life and time it had been born into the world to enjoy.
Plutarch

People would think I am crazy this morning; perhaps it is depression, perhaps hypersensitivity but I can't stop crying. However perhaps I am simply a caring person with a rather radical philosophy of life - at least radical compared to most in the west. After all we should not see everything that we do, feel or think as part of our OCD. We are after all a person underneath all the neurotic thinking and it is this person that the OCD attacks as most of the obsessions and compulsions centre around who we are.

I cannot cope with my own suffering but this morning my tears well up as I cannot cope right now with the suffering of other creatures; the sheep and lambs mentioned in an earlier entry and other animals which are sadly doomed to die. I feel so overwhelmed by this thought today along with feelings of compassion for these creatures that my heart aches. Yes love for these creatures! Why not say it even if some people think that that is more crazy than my OCD! Why should I feel awkward. I guess a psychologist or psychiatrist might suggest that I am oversensitive as a result of my depression . I have been looking through quotations suitable for vegetarians, as you may have guessed I do so like quotations and some of them really echo my thoughts. It is for this reason that I so enjoy quotations as the thoughts of others resound loudly that of my own and are rendered far more eloquently than I am able. But today such quotations make me tearful.

Our treatment of animals will someday be considered barbarous. There cannot be perfect civilisation until man realises that the rights of every living creature are as sacred as his own.
Dr David Starr Jordan

The soul is the same in all living creatures, although the body of each is different.
Hippocrates

A man should wander about treating all creatures as he himself would be treated.
Sutrakritanga

Don't for one minute see me as an all round kind thoughtful person. Neither the above philosophy of life nor my OCD scrupulosity / hyper morality prevent me from making life difficult at time for those I live with who have to cope with all my complaining and criticising. I am a very hypercritical person indeed and it does not take much to rub me up the wrong way. I am irritable and tense and not the most placid of people to live with just lately with volatile explosive periods of anger and festering melancholy but hey whose perfect. I do my best under very trying circumstances. Few will ask why I cry this morning it is taken as read that it has same basis of irrationality at least from a normal perspective. I try not to cry often due to my headaches but sometimes I am so overwhelmed I have no choice.
I feel anxious posting this this morning, although there are a few entries I have not published for sometime due to reasons mentioned already, so I will endeavour to click publish after only one reading! If I do not I could ruminate about this indefinitely.

I really feel sick at heart I have just suggested we go out although I would rather have gone and got my e-ray out of the way. The weather is glorious and I felt the compulsion to suggest doing this as the x-ray department is an open appointment and I can go anytime any weekday between 12 and 2pm. I did not think that anyone would agree but there you are I can't expect people to be aware all the time of the whys and wherefores of everything I say. Perhaps I am over reacting and most people would not feel the need to rush to the x-ray department immediately and it is a fantastic day after so many days of cold and misery. Nonetheless this change of plan leaves my heart pounding with anxiety. Why oh why do I do this to myself always trying to think of others and putting my own needs aside.

April 12th
The deplorable mania of doubt exhausts me. I doubt about everything, even my doubts.
Gustave Flaubert

Still have not published the above and yes I read it over again and again the compulsion to check and recheck is extremely powerful. Moreover I have been assailed with doubts that perhaps I do more harm than good by sharing with you my very negative life right now. However as I have said before there are many positive things on my website and this section is for me to tell anyone who is interested in what life is like for me as a sufferer of severe OCD. My Blog and all my other personal writings are intended to help sufferers to feel less alone; to increase levels of understanding and empathy for carers, family members, friends, students of psychology and medical professionals or just anyone who is interested in mental health and how the mind works. And finally last but most certainly not least I hope that something I may write may facilitate an increased awareness and understanding in the general public concerning OCD and indeed mental health problems in general.
In the last few days I have been increasingly depressed and have not been up to writing regular entries and those that I have written I have hesitated to publish feeling that such negativity may cause harm and feeling that at the very least what I write is in any case rarely read or is boring and tedious. I really wish I could add some words of a more positive nature but sadly at the time this is not possible if I want to convey my real situation I feel very overwhelmed and seem lost not knowing quite what to do to alleviate the heaviness that hangs over my heart at this time. My son also is feeling more depressed and hopeless and our situation is one of the blind leading the blind. I had actually considered not including further entries and removing the Blog altogether. However such feelings and considerations are most likely fuelled by the usual doubts common to these who suffer with OCD and depression. These doubts are once again trying to thwart this endeavour as much as they do any other. Therefore recognising this I will continue to include entries from time to time whenever I am able to work through the depression which reduces ones motivation for just about anything.

April 14th
Just remember that the darkest night did not turn out all the stars.
Louis L. Mann

Well I still have not clicked the publish button and made my latest entries available. Still the torment of doubt and indecision, the flow of thoughts like a river torrent are far too many and flow through my mind too quickly to relate them to you. But the agony of indecision and fear of causing harm is horrendous and the torture of trying to resist yet again for the umpteenth time to check all the entries for April is unbearable. I have been up since 4 am driven yet again from my bed by my aching body and hypochondriacal fears that I have some life threatening disease the name of which I hesitate to reveal as though by doing so I increase the likely hood that my thinking is real and my fears have a place in reality. I have been here writing and editing since that time. It is an enormous task but one that I hope is worthwhile if it helps to increase the understanding of the emotional trauma of suffering with which sufferers of OCD endure every minute of every day. Well today I am going to click that publish button and the torment will be over at least concerning this aspect of my OCD - but is it? Sadly I will return and check when it is on-line and republish deleting things that torment me until I do so or until something more anxiety provoking takes it's place.. I grow so weary of this existence sometimes, as soon as this task is completed other torments will takes it's place immediately. I have to get ready to go out the agony of facing the morning's showering and washing rituals really is so daunting along with all the other time consuming and agonising washing compulsions that will eat away at my life the entire day along with endless ruminations and other OCD generated problems that somehow I have to contend with.
Today we have to go out with my brother-in-law I really feel so depressed, the thought fills me with dread. I am afraid of travelling fearful scenarios intrude upon my thinking. I really feel exhausted and heavy with depression and fearful of getting a migraine when we are miles from home. Yet I am driven driven by my OCD hypersensitive hyper-responsibility. I want to help relieve my brother-in-law's lonely isolation he has no one except my husband, son and I, yet I am hurting and tired and really would like a rest from the constant strain of having to comply with the needs of others when my own needs are never considered or met. This sadly is partly my own fault forever putting others first - or is it? Why I am sounding like so many people sound, people who do not understand that such behaviours and attitudes are not your fault and you are powerless to resist them. No it is most certainly not my fault it is because I sufferer with OCD and I am compelled and driven by it's dictates and I am at the moment simply unable to resist it's insistence. There is no shame in that!

April 15th

Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.
Kahlil Gibran

Well it was most certainly a day for my OCD hyper over responsibility. Most days are but this one was really very anxiety provoking. However sufferers and everyone else should consider the world might actually be a better place if everyone else felt such a responsibility to all creatures, including each other, and the planet in general. So as the above quotation suggests tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness neither are sensitivity and feelings of universal responsibility depending of course on the motivation behind them and this of course is the crux of the matter when it comes to the sufferer of OCD.

It is the fear and anxiety that such over responsibility causes in the sufferer of OCD that is the problem and arises if he or she is unable to carrying out the task involved when confronted by such an overwhelming sense of responsibility. This is one of the main problems associated with over responsibility OCD along with the strong possibility that very often we take actions that are of detriment to ourselves, such as some years ago when I went out into a busy road to pick up broken glass.
 
To day’s trip to the Durham Dales for a drive to give my brother-in-law a tour of the fabulous countryside we have in the locality turned into an animal rescue trip. There were lambs two of them skipping and jumping all over the road, a delightful sight if it were not for on coming traffic which veered round them. The lambs had escaped from a field nearby and were enjoying their newfound freedom until cars bore down on them horns blasting. Other sheep in the field including the mother were severely agitated bleating and barring loudly. Now of all the cars that went along the road no one stop! No one except ….. Well you guessed it my husband and I. I really panicked there was no way we could leave the lambs free they were now clearly very frightened the way lambs and sheep are and their panic stricken frenzy now had them dashing back and forth along the perimeter of the fence; seemingly in their terror they could not recall how they managed to make their escape in the first place and as a consequence they could not get back in. Now I could not leave them and the thought of trying to find the farmer, entering the farmer's property unannounced, dogs most likely everywhere was indeed daunting. But I have done this and would do this if I had to, the anxiety of just leaving the situation and the possible dire consequences would be more than I could bear when the thoughts of my irresponsibility returned to haunt me as they most certainly would. If I left this situation without at least feeling I had done something it is possible that I would return even when we had arrived home.

This happened some months ago for reasons far less rational than those of today. We had been driving through the Yorkshire dales when we saw several sheep confined in a pen without food or water. Now it was indeed obvious that this was most likely a very temporary arrangement and that they had been rounded up to be transported else where, this was even more substantiated when we drove to the farm and could see a small sheep truck in the drive. And arriving at this more and rational conclusion we retuned home. However my anxieties could not that easily be cast aside and the usual doubts prevailed despite overwhelming evidence that such were not substantiated in reality. My doubts insisted that these sheep had somehow accidentally become entrapped in the pen and they would not be noticed and they would die. Images intruded into my mind of sheep dying, lying on the ground gasping for water as the days went by and they died awful slow deaths. Sometimes my feeling of empathy is quite profound, or perhaps it is better to say that my ability to imagine feelings is profound, but it is almost as though I can feel the pain and fear of such creatures. After a night of such torment we of course went back to check. Yes the sheep were gone and our first assumptions were most likely correct and they had simply been put there to move elsewhere. You might ask why my husband is so compliant and ready to indulge in what would be referred by mental health professionals as enabling. Well most of the time he does try and dissuade me and yes if he had not compiled I would have been left to face this torture for days on end; perhaps he thought that it was just too much.

My husband, although also a responsible person does not have such hyper responsibility concerns as I, is reluctant to go into farms. However for me to say no I am not prepared to go that far is not always an option and I have gone into farmyards to find the farmer with a heart pounding as though it would burst from my chest, my throat constricting trying not to look like the traumatised wreak that I feel. Most times, in fact all times my efforts have been appreciated we even had a farmer's phone number when we lived in Sussex so we could let him know when we saw any problems with the sheep which grazed on the Forest. . No it is not that no one is grateful or that I feel that I have done the wrong thing it is rather the overwhelming fears involved; the dreadful conflicts that arise between one set of fears and another which in this instance concerns a conflict between the fears of causing harm by neglect, my over responsibility OCD, and the opposing fear, in this case of becoming contaminated by entering a farmyard for reasons I am sure need no elaboration! The tearing apart of my whole being, the dreadful indecision and the feeling that I cannot win and am dammed if I do, but dammed if I do not, is really such awful torment indeed.

Fortunately when we got out of the car and followed the lambs, hoping somehow to get them back inside the field they managed to find their way back in. I of course was not satisfied and had to hunt round to find a bit of wood to cover up the hole. We of course did the right thing but I continued to worry about those sheep all the rest of the day, would they get out again, the fence was still not secure there were huge gaps were wire once had been. Although this scenario is unlikely it is not impossible, the lambs were not tall enough to get through but I worried nonetheless as I cannot of course be certain about this and the thought returns to me now and writing about this is attenuating this concern.

Moreover the weather yesterday was just awful bitterly cold, rain falling with out abatement I felt sick inside sorry for the tiny lambs and their poor bedraggled mothers wet and dirty dejected and miserable. The misery of existence fills me with such sorrow that I can never ever envision being truly happy while other creatures suffer. It seems to me to be a cruel world of dreadful hardship for every living being we of course included and I cannot easily set these feelings aside

Later in the day while visiting a local church of historical interest we came across a bird, which had got into the church and could not find it’s way out. Another group of people were also looking round, none took the least bit of notice no one obviously deemed it their responsibility. The bird was flying towards the windows desperately trying to find a way out. It was of course not a difficult matter to go over to a local shop where the owner rang the vicar whom we were told would come along and remove the bird. No big deal I suppose but I was not happy and wondered if he would actually do so, or if he would actually get the message or if he would arrive in time before the bird injured itself. We of course had tried to catch it but it was impossible. I felt guilty as though we had not done enough. We closed the church door, I wanted to leave it open in the hopes it would find its way out but my husband suggested other birds may come in. So now I wished I had left it open and it haunts me that we may have done the wrong thing by not leaving the door open. Such thoughts haunt me now many many hours later. Yes once again we did the right thing - at least I hope so.. No its not that I should join the ranks of the irresponsible hoping that someone else will do something or even not caring at all one way or the other, no it is not that, it is the anxiety that causes the suffering thinking that no matter what I did I had either not done enough or that the action I had taken had been the wrong one. It is this type of thinking that causes all the anxiety.

April 16th

If doubt is challenging you and you do not act, doubts will grow. Challenge the doubts with action and you will grow. Doubt and action are incompatible
John. Kanary

Considering both the events of yesterday and other OCD behaviours I realise that I would be so much worse if I did not have my husband at home with me. The above incidents would have reached nightmare proportions if I had been alone. Such as searching for the farmer to make sure the fence was properly secured. Waiting for the vicar to arrive to be sure the bird was okay.

I would of course not have been there in the first place as I cannot go out alone: had my husband still been working I would have been home alone and crawling up the walls as the saying goes.. My condition has deteriorated recently but this deterioration would have been much worse if I were alone. I am finding if very difficult to prepare and cook food even with someone here but alone it is a real nightmare imaging the food has been poisoned or contaminated, most of it would end up in the bin. Naturally the thoughts come just the same when I am with someone but the compulsions can be more easily mitigated; yes things still end up in the bin and there are times I am too ill to cook anything too complicated nonetheless when my husband or son are here it is easier and most days I can cook something. I still of course wash all the crockery first and carry on with all the other decontaminations rituals but the severity is reduced; alone I do not think I would be able to do much cooking at all. One Sunday I tried to prepare a flan while my husband was at church, it was an absolute disaster of anxiety, the first batch of pastry ended up in the bin. I had the notion it had become contaminated for reasons I now do not recall and I had to start all over again.

It is the same with most of the OCD which involves overt rituals such as cleaning, the laundry and so on. My husband will do jobs that would really cause me to became anxious and cause an increase in OCD rituals such as hanging out the washing, vacuuming and so on. May be this is enabling but it’s better than me trying to do something that will cause stress and an increase in compulsive behaviours that I have little hope of controlling. Such gives me more time to do more positive things like my art and creating this website. I have numerous panics with my cloths some which are falling to bits with over washing; finding something OCD clean is difficult as this part of my OCD is quite a problem just now. My husband does help me to sort out my cloths and even irons stuff. He does of course make huge mistakes I get angry and frustrated. The other day a rather grubby cloth got in amongst the clean washing and I had to wash the cloths all over again nonetheless it is still so much nicer to have some support from another person even if they do make mistakes. I think it is just having the presence of someone else, even if I ignore his advice his mere presence nevertheless mitigates the awfulness of the situation. It is anathema for any OCDer to be alone and sufferers of severe OCD should not be alone left to rot in dreadful torment filled isolation. If my husband were not at home I would be in the house all day and I do so recall what a nightmare that was. Alone the thoughts are truly overpowering and overwhelmingly real certainly far too real to ignore in the the silence of isolation.

Yes we are all having difficulties, my husband, son and I and it might appear rather like the blind leading the blind but we help each other in different ways. Although we are all suffering the nature of our suffering is different therefore we can give each other different perspectives upon our individual problems. You might not have much insight into your own nor may you be able to cope with your particular problems but this does not prevent you having insight into the problems of others because you will see their problem from a different perspective.

We all three of us need encouragement and we do somehow manage to encourage each another simply because we see the problems of the other person if they are not the same as our own from a more rational point of view. My son needs an awful lot of encouragement and I believe I give that too him even if only in a very small way. I might be ill myself but this does not mean I can't help him. No matter from what affliction we suffer oftentimes all we need is some encouragement, and for someone to take some interest .

By normal standards whatever they are we may be seen as a disfunctioning family but we do support and encourage each other. Left alone I believe we would all of us as individuals quickly deteriorate? And I think that our relationships with one another notwithstanding our difficulties is far better that that experienced by many so-called high functioning families. I am a very negative person but at least I recognise this very positive aspect of ours lives together which may not always be perfect but at least it is treasonably supportive.

There are of course times when we are all enveloped within our own nightmare worlds of misery and during such times we may be oblivious to the problems of each other as we can be too tired and sick to do much of anything. Nonetheless just being together is a positive that often we take for granted and fail to appreciate.. Isolation is no good for anyone with any mental health problem.

At long last the sun is shinning:-) It is now 8.39 the rain has stopped the sun is out although it is still cloudy and bitterly cold.. The torrential rain of the last few days has been dreadful. Last night my heart really ached with concern about those tiny lambs. A friend had mentioned that there was concern generally about these vulnerable creatures and hearing this I felt sick at heart the concerns of others compounding my own. I mean it really hurt to think about their suffering on this bitterly cold wind sweep night with torrential rain pouring down unmercifully without abatement. I became considerably depressed and tearful overwhelmed and angry that such creatures suffer; that all creatures suffer so terribly.

Well finally I am assailed by doubts this morning and again I am incapacitated by them and I am experiencing more difficulty than usual posting the last two entries feeling that they are not quite right for a variety of reasons that you would find tedious if not outright boring if I elaborated upon them . I have checked them so many times, more times than I would like to admit. I am tempted to postpone and see how they appear in a new perspective perhaps tomorrow. however as the quotation at the beginning so rightly points out the more I do this the more my doubts will grow. So I will publish and hope for the best. I do so as I always do with the very best of intentions for the wellbeing of all.

April 17th
We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
Frank Tibolt

I thought that I would show you something positive, it is not my best drawing and I am obsessing rather if I should include it but it is the first drawing I have done in a while. I do try but often I feel so depressed and this saps my motivation. It can take an enormous effort to do just about anything.

Click on image to view larger version which will open in a new window.
This is a drawing rendered in charcoal, coloured pencil and graphite. I have drawn this from a photograph taken by my husband of a sheep in the Yorkshire Dales.

This morning I lay in bed having woken at the usual time of 4 am and felt so much apathy that I could not get out of bed even though the usual aches and pains wearied my body and miserable torments intruded upon my thinking. I knew I had to get up but the enthusiasm to pursue my activities on the computer was really lacking this morning. Nevertheless here it is now 5.am, I am struggling with the usual doubts concerning this entry. Doubts and dissatisfaction about any kind of creative work are gradually inhibiting my ability to do anything. The usual doubts about my writings are getting quite overwhelming; I am still ruminating about yesterday's entry which I altered more or less straight the way after it was published and reread again just before typing this entry.

I am very concerned about my son who is becoming more depressed and he is now saying that this along with his anxiety is effecting his artwork and he is finding it difficult to concentrate and as a consequence his creative abilities are being affected. Finding inspiration also appears to be a problem and this is something that stress and depression can effect if you allow it to. I tell him to paint anything, just anything simply do it despite how he feels. It really breaks my heart, he is so talented but he is just so unhappy, feeling his pain hurts me more than my own.

I do so know where he is coming from as I am also finding it increasingly difficult to do my artwork seemingly from lack of motivation, but its more than that, its indecision: what shall I paint or even should I draw, if so in what medium on what support. Than there is the feeling of futility, the constant analysis of the purpose that I pursue such activities, activities that I feel I have no particular talent for. Often I think well what is the point few people see what I do. My work just accumulates adding to all the other clutter and when I die it will most likely end up in the bin!

Notwithstanding such misgivings art work helps in a way to engage my mind to focus it on something positive and now with the website I get to at least show it to the unsuspecting person who visits my art pages :-) I am trying to prepare some of my caricature drawings of sheep and other hand drawn graphics for clip art which I hope to include in the down load page for free distribution. That is whenever I can workout out how to prepare the graphics to make them suitable to use as clip art. I have been trying for ages but I am never satisfied with the result, maybe it is to do with my OCD perfectionist tendencies or maybe it is simply that I obsess about my level of ability. I always think that things are more complicated than they actually are and go over things time and time again doubting that I have actually learned whatever task it is I am trying to learn. But I don't give up and will eventually get there in the end.

Here is one of the drawings I am trying to prepare for use as clip art.

Click on image to view larger version which will open in a new window.

The following quotation from Tchaikovsky who is believed to have suffered from manic depression (bipolar disorder) is very good advice for anyone and is particularly so for those of us who are prone to depression, anxiety and despair. Even if you are not artistic in anyway such advice could easily apply to any endeavour.

We must always work, and a self-respecting artist must not fold his hands on the pretext he is not in the mood. If we wait for the mood without endeavoring to meet it half way, we easily become indolent and apathetic. We must be patient and believe that inspiration will come to those who can master their disinclination . . . I am glad I have not followed in the steps of some of my Russian colleagues, who have no self-confidence and are so impatient that at the least difficulty they are ready to throw up the sponge. This is why, in spite of great gifts, they accomplish so little, and that in an amateur way.
Tchaikovsky

April 18th
Its 4.30 am and I woke with an increase in my aches and pains and the usual weary despondency at the thought of having to go out to day, another trip to the cheviot hills. Although I wake so early the thought of having to get going and get ready to travel so far is really overwhelming. However when I do get there more times than not I am glad that I went despite the numerous difficulties with my illnesses including, my contamination OCD along with many of the maladies I have already mentioned and I do not wish to bore anyone today by repeating them here. Also it does not help that I have to decontaminate my hand bag by washing and disinfecting it this morning as yesterday at the garden centre a dog rubbed against it. Now no offence to dog owners it's just the nature of my OCD fears. I am an animal lover I love all creatures and hate it that OCD makes it difficult for me to have contact with animals.

I am sure that my life would improve if only my son could overcome his difficulties, find himself some friends, someone to share his life with and a satisfying means of earning himself a living. Just finding some satisfaction with life and freedom from the increasing depression and anxiety would indeed make life better for him and for all of us.. He appears not to have the motivation to find a solution to his problems.

Throughout the long years of my illness I have always tried to get the best from my life despite my difficulties. My former GP once said although it was some years ago now, that at least I did not just lay down and let it all roll over me and instead I kept trying. And I do but sometimes I wonder if I will ever wake in the morning without a heavy heart; anxiety bought on by some intrusive thought presenting some tormenting scenario or another; headaches, muscle aches and pains and all the other dreadful symptoms that make life a real endurance test.
 
Last night everything went wrong on the computer and I lost a lot of book marked websites and most importantly e-mail and this morning it has been quite a challenge to get up and endeavour to try and sort all this out. In addition I really feel so guilty. I had to reinstall my ISP software and did not make a copy of our e-mails and bookmarks, (we all three of us share the same computer so this effects all of us) simply because I was feeling apathetic. I really feel overwhelming guilty and can't get the thoughts out of my mind once again that it is my fault that something has gone wrong, albeit not life shattering - well if you do not have OCD or other anxieties that accentuate every problem to mammoth proportions - it is not. I feel as though I can't do anything right! Our computer has never worked properly and now it is so slow and most times malfunctions and I simply felt too weary of the struggle to try and get it to burn the data onto a CD. Although the ISP uninstall is supposed to facilitate the saving of this data before it uninstalls the software things can go wrong as they so often tend to when it comes to computers. It was Sunday evening and Sunday is the only time that I feel that I can have some peace from the pressure of life; the responsibility for others (yes responsibility I have taken upon myself most likely due to my OCD); the constant ringing of the phone with problems I can't cope with and the continual pressure to have to sort out this or that. Yes admittedly much of it is due to concerns that other people would most probably not have and is due to my negative thinking and catastrophizing and simply my decreased ability to cope with even very small irritations that are the lot of everyone from time to time. So I was really not in the mood for a major session on the computer. Yes my activates on the computer have saved me from completely losing it and have enhanced my life and it has given me something to focus upon nonetheless the tedious and often difficult complex tasks of sorting out its malfunctions is quite a different matter. As everyone who is into computers knows they can be a real pain in the neck and they seem to almost have a life of their own and seem to be perverse just at the wrong time.

In a few weeks it will be time for our annual holiday once again to Glastonbury in Somerset and I am really looking forward to this. I love this town and often wish we had gone to live there although the surrounding scenery is nothing like as spectacular as it is here. Nonetheless Glastonbury has for me good vibes as they say. We are all looking forward to this respite my family and I despite our difficulties. Also this shows you how your obsessions and compulsions change. Anyone who has read my memoir will know of the traumatic experiences I suffered at holiday time due to the nature of my OCD. And to some extent this continues to be the case but not as dramatically so as other problems and concerns have now reduced such anxieties. Now at the moment a short respite from all our difficulties is much anticipated and I am so looking forward to this. I know that I will not leave my OCD behind, nor my migraine, I had four on holiday last year, or other maladies but the change of scenery and respite from the day to day pressures that society imposes and which I can't cope with too well will be left behind for at least a week.

It's 5.57 I look out the window to another dreary wet day the thought of dragging my weary self out does not fill me with joy I can tell you. I was not gong to explain the reason for our visit to the cheviot hills so soon after our previous trip only last weekend as I do feel that most people will think me quiet mad! Or indeed that people would laugh but if they do what is so wrong in that, if my antics cause someone to feel like laughing well that can only be a good thing as for most people there is often so little to laugh about sometimes. Yesterday my husband cleaned put the large water feature, a plastic pond with a pump. It is too big for our yard but it is full of slugs. Now here again is that moral dilemma. Many people would not give it much of a thought and simply pour the water down the drain slugs and all. No way! So we put them into a plastic container and so later this morning we are off on a 120 mile round trip to the only natural pond that we can easily access in order to give our slugs a new home. Mind you we do so like the Cheviot hills and it appears to be also a good excuse to go there once again. Yes some people would laugh at such a crazy idea and have done so but I am not alone with such sensitivities. An incident earlier this week highlighted this fact. We had a huge fern in the sitting room and I mean huge, four feet tall and as much wide. We went along to our local agricultural college, they have a greenhouse and sell plants grown by students. We offered the plant free to the lady who tends the plants in the greenhouse and asked it she would like this plant. I told her that I simply could not throw it away as it was a living thing. To my surprise she agreed and I mean sincerely agreed and was not humouring me; she told me that she also could not merely destroy a plant just because it was too big and was inconvenient Another lady an acquaintance also agreed with me when I expressed my concerns recently that the creation of bonsai was cruel and that the very thought of manipulating and distorting a tree to miniature size was a practice of which she also considered to be wrong. She said that unless I had mentioned this she would not have said so thinking that others might consider such a opinion to be rather strange. So perhaps there are more "over sensitive" people about - or are we "over sensitive"?. Perhaps it is that others are under sensitive? As I have often said the world would be a better place if some people were more sensitive.

Now sensitivity is not necessarily a symptom of OCD or anxiety although this may be the cause of it in my case however I cannot of course be certain about this. Would I be as hypersensitive if I did not have OCD? Who knows, it is difficult to separate the two as OCD effects your entire life and would of course manifest symptoms to fit in with ones oversensitivity as it does with any other aspect of ones life or personality. However anyone can be very sensitive in fact 20% of people are and they do not all have OCD, anxiety, depression or any other disorder whereby such sensitivity may result. Here is a link for you to take a sensitivity test and see what your rating is. Also a link to an About com article: Are you highly sensitive? Regardless of the whys and wherefores it is interesting to ascertain how sensitive you are; to learn that regardless of the reasons for such sensitivity you are not alone, and that perhaps you may see such sensitivity as a positive rather than a negative.
 

The Highly Sensitive Person - self test 

Concerning the slugs well we never made it all the way to the Cheviot hills: there was torrential rain and I guess some sense prevailed and we decided that such a journey on a day like to day was unnecessary as driving conditions were not good. Fortunately I remembered a pond in a nearby village. I had thought of it earlier but it is rather public and I was embarrassed that someone would wonder what on earth we were doing but on a day like today there would be fewer people about to notice. So the slugs got a new home and my conscience was satisfied.

April 19th
I must try to keep my entries short as I understand that generally blog entries are only two or three paragraphs long at least that is the ”how to” advice I have read However this is not written in stone and I have never been one to follow blindly the rules or suggestions of others. Nonetheless I would like to keep my entries shorter, but don’t hold your breath once I start writing I find it difficult to stop there seems always to be either something more I want to say or I feel that I have not quite got my point across.
Returning home after an anxious trip out there was message from the medical practice’s nurse I have to have another blood test, a follow up test from my recent trip to the doctor’s. My son who had answered the phone told me that there was nothing urgent and nothing to cause concern nonetheless I panicked until finally speaking to the nurse. Now most people hate blood tests and many years ago I refused to have one. Now the anxiety comes to me for altogether different reasons. I now give little thought to the actual blood test.

The thought of having to shower, wash my hair and change my cloths despite the fact I had only been dressed for a couple of hours filled me with such despair. The performance of trying to find clean cloths and ironing them made me feel so wretched I told my husband I would not do it this time, no I would go just as I am. But no when the time came about three hours after and an hour before my appointment I showered washed my hair and put on clean cloths. Well at least I tried to resist! Unfortunately the torment of OCD is simply too powerful and I feel so vulnerable lately. If I could have gone straight the way to the surgery I may have been okay it is when you have time to think that the problem occurs, it is the thinking, the persistent torments that wear you down, over and over the thoughts come with the scenarios of what might happen if you ignore the tormenting ever persistent “voice” of OCD. The longer you have to contend with its taunting the harder it is to resist and I capitulate and reluctantly comply.
Now the torment did not stop there, it never does once one problem is resolved others take it’s place, you are never free not unless you are determined to stand up to it consistently each and every time you are presented with it’s incursion into your thinking. Sadly right now I cannot resist even knowing the terrible dilemma that the more I give in the more I am tormented for OCD is never satisfied and that is why for me just now my OCD is getting worse.

I had the remains of a patch test from colouring my hair on Sunday – well the voice of OCD told me I had still remains of the patch test right in the exact place were the needle will be inserted.. Although I had scrubbed it clean the thoughts that I still had residue of hair colour on my arm persisted: I was tormented with the notion that when the nurse inserts the needle that residue hair dye would remain on the needle and would when reused become injected into the next person. Now I know perfectly well on a rational level that such is impossible because the needles are disposable and would not be re-used. Now I know this but would you think that knowing such would rid me of this torment; no it did not. Logic as nothing to do with OCD. Doubts assail me. I ask my husband: “ are the needles disposable”? I know that they are, they have been this way now for years! I ask him again and again, But the doubts remain. So I scrubbed my arm with scoring powder again and again until it started to go red and sore and this was the only reason I stopped as I thought the nurse might ask why my skin looked sore. I thought about presenting the other arm but the vain is not so good there and it would be awkward to take blood.

Finally when I was actually sitting there with my arm extended I know that I was being silly and all that previous worry had been for nothing. However knowing this in hindsight will not make the slightest bit of difference the next time. Moreover I had to have my blood pressure taken. Which of course included the use of this contaminated arm, now this was unexpected and caused some anxiety that I would now contaminate the part that came into contact with my arm despite the fact that nothing could really have remained of the patch test after all that scrubbing! So what! What it there was a molecule of the hair colorant you might ask? My fear is that even a molecule may cause someone to have an allergic reaction and die. The possibility of such is the reason for the patch test and the allergy in rare circumstances can bring about a horrific death as the tongue swells and the unfortunate person chokes. I worry that someone will ingest one molecule, just one molecule! However as I had little time to ruminate upon such catastrophic scenarios and be plagued by the usual torments I was able to do this albeit with some anxiety, it does nonetheless play on my mind now.
Well the good news is my blood pressure is excellent. Amazing isn't it considering my severe levels of stress – levels which the consensus of medical professionals consider cause all the aches and pains including the headaches and the numerous other maladies that plague my life, considering this you would think my blood pressure would be through the roof.

April 20th 
“Have you pulled out the TV plug?” I can’t recall having done this, we are sitting in the car all three of us on our way to the cinema so I ask my husband for reassurance. “Yes I pulled out the plug”, he replies. Have you turned the cooker switch off? It’s off my husband replies. “No did you turn it off?” “Yes it is off” he replies for the second time. “No I repeat did you turn it off?” By now I am getting really irritated. He knows he has to reply by saying, “ I have turned it off”, simply saying it is off is not the quite the same. Similar phrasing I know and perhaps you are somewhat confused as to the difference between the two statements both of which appear to answer the question is the cooker off. There are for me subtle differences and getting the right answer is vital to calm the OCD anxiety after a round of pulling out plugs and checking that everything in the house, yes everything, is disconnected from the sockets and the power supply. Everything except of course the refrigerator although there was an occasion some years back when it too got switched off by mistake and cost us a good deal to replace the frozen food. If he does not reply “I have switch it off” I cannot be sure that he has. I will take his word for it only if he says “I have switched if off” but not if he says its is switched off as this implies some doubt. Think about it just to say it is off does not imply that he has turned it off rather it suggests that he is only relying upon memory to conform that the appliance is off. Well that is how it appears to me anyway, picky I know but OCD is very picky the OCD monster will not be satisfied until it has exhausted you with doubt and unless I am completely satisfied that everything is off the torment continues. When he finally tells me “yes I switched it off” I will ask him again with phrases similar to: “now you actually switched if off now, right now just before we went out”. “You are sure you actually did this?” If when I had first ask he had said “I have switched it off” I would have been satisfied it is when I get the ambiguous statement “it is off” that I obsess much more and than repeatedly ask several times for reassurance.
 Fortunately we are all rarely are out at the same time so this occurs only once or twice during the week. However if I was on my own all day it would be very difficult for me to get out of the house as alone of course the checking obsessions would be much worse as I would have no one to confirm that everything was in order and that all the plugs were out; every appliance was turned off and doors and windows were locked. When both my husband and son were out all day it took a long while for me to leave the house checking over and over and often retuning after leaving to recheck. That is of course if I could go out which if I was alone all day now I could not as as I have already mentioned I cannot go out alone because of my OCD and also my headaches. In my opinion no person with OCD should be left alone all day such obsessions and compulsions become extremely accentuated when alone and the thoughts that torment our minds take on huge proportions when alone left uninterrupted to the mercy of our tortured minds. Despite an increase in symptoms I cope better now my husband is at home.

April 22nd
Finally there is something positive that I can include. I have been completing a course of study for website creation and have used this to complete both this and the website of my son. Now the scheme which runs these courses has a newsletter and wants to include my son’s website and this will be great publicity for him. I hope that this will be a boost to his confidence not to mention of course an increase in sales for him. So far he has not had one order from his website. I also find it a good boost to my own self-confidence for the recognition that despite all my maladies and difficulties I have done something that others feel is worthwhile. No they do not of course know about this web site: as I have said before it is one thing revealing myself for the whole world who do not know who I am and do not know me personally, it is however quite another matter to tell close associates. Nor do they know the torment of mind that I have endured to create these websites. Yes even the creation of my son’s website has not come easily as my mind is tortured by doubts far to numerous to mention. Yet I have done this, it may have taken an inordinate length of time, hours spent obsessing about this or that nevertheless, notwithstanding such difficulties, I have succeeded. Also my son has completed all the lovely artwork which is featured on his website despite being depressed and anxious and it is something to feel some satisfaction about. He is however having great difficulty right now though with his artwork because of his depression but with some encouragement he could begin to find some way to overcome this and, as Vincent Van Gogh once said, “chose active melancholy”.
 “So instead of giving in to despair I chose active melancholy, in so far as I was capable of activity, in other words I chose the kind of melancholy that hopes, that strives and that seeks, in preference to the melancholy that despairs numbly and in distress”.
Vincent van Gogh

So I am hoping that this turn of events will help increase his motivation to overcome his despondency. Yes Kevin the person featured in the Gallery section is my son. No it is not nepotism he is simply a person who sufferers from depression and anxiety who is creative but also happens to be my son. I am indeed most willing to include links from other sufferers to similar web sites in the useful links page or graphics of artwork and examples of any other creative abilities such as literary in the gallery. In fact I would be more than delighted to do so as more emphasis needs to be placed upon what we can do rather than what we can not do in order to mitigate the feeling that we have not achieved much of anything positive with in our lives. So if you are a sufferer of any mental illness and do anything creative please please send it in for inclusion in the gallery or useful links page.
Now despite certain anxieties concerning this turn of events I did feel a lift in my mood as though for the first time in many weeks there was a ray of hope amongst the darkness of despair. It occurred to me that my depression, which may be chemical as it varies and comes upon me much in the way an illness suddenly overcomes one, could nonetheless also occur due to life’s circumstances and most certainly due to thoughts that occur in my mind and my negative perspective upon life. It is my belief that yes brain chemistry is one probable cause however circumstances both external and internal, such as when negative thoughts occur in our minds, precipitate depression.
 

Intrusive thoughts will surely bring about depression as a result of their negative content and perspective, such as the thoughts experienced by a sufferer of OCD or other anxiety disorder. Conversely positive events and thoughts may bring about an elevation of mood. Yes today I am encouraged and as a result there was a lift in my depression but later on some way down the line when the event actually occurs and I need to be interviewed and so on my OCD will present all sorts of anxiety inducing scenarios clouding my mind with doubts and fears and my whole perspective will be changed. But in this case I am not going to allow it to win as this is such a good opportunity to help my son. And besides once I have said I will do something I do my utmost come hell or high water to do so. I would be so overwhelmed with guilt now if I did not. Guilt is a formidable companion and I do most anything to avoid its company. So I count this latest event as indeed a positive one and I hope it will ease some of the feelings I have that nothing is ever going to go right.

April 24th

In recent months I been analysing the cause of my depression, although, as I have already mentioned in the last entry I have always been aware that it is most probably a result of a combination of a chemical imbalance and circumstances both external and internal such as OCD thoughts. I mean how on earth can anyone who sufferers with OCD not be depressed!  
On a day such as today with the sun shinning and a feeling of warmth in the air my feelings of despondency are eased and my mood is lighter. I am of course still depressed; there is always some background depression but when the sun is shinning I can cope better with whatever the torment is that assails my mind. As we drive alongside a field filled with yellow flowers swaying in the warm breeze life seems less threatening and I feel more at ease. We are no our way the short distance along a local country lane to feed sheep in a field nearby with apples. We do this every week and have done so since arriving here. The sheep appear to be pets as they have been here since we arrived and they now know us and come rushing towards us with no inhibition. I feel a twinge of sadness and regret that because of my OCD I cannot feed them or stroke them as my husband does. It is a sad reminder of my limitations, yet the pleasantness of the day mitigates my sadness somewhat. Yes most certainly the weather effects my mood to some degree. This is not to say that I remain this way all day, later in the afternoon a feeling of anxiety brings an increase in depression as a worrying scenario presents itself and no amount of reasoning drives it away. Nonetheless the morning's change of mood and it's reversal during the afternoon highlights the fact that many things cause depression and many things may in some circumstances elevate its intensity.

I must remember that at this time of my life that my difficult circumstances including my depression are accentuated by the menopause. This is something I forget from time to time as I appear not to have any of the classic symptoms such as hot sweats. Nonetheless this time in my life may have some effect upon my moods and levels of depression.
I have found that keeping this journal has helped me to identify areas in my life that are not helpful; it has helped to identify what aspects of my OCD are problematic right now and it also has helped me to gain a perspective on my thinking, not of course that I am implying that I can do much about it in order to change things. But at least I have some
insight.

Also I have found out over the years that inactivity increases my feelings of both anxiety and depression. This may be why that during this afternoon my depression deepened. Sundays we try to keep quiet and have a lazy day just vegging out and doing not much of anything. However this is not good for my OCD and consequently my depression as thoughts are free to run full rein as less activity such as sitting around doing nothing much of anything leaves my mind wide open to the incursion of intrusive thoughts.

Moreover I feel that if my son was happier and had friends, someone to share his life with and success with earning a living with his artwork I would feel less depressed, it is hard to watch those we care about sufferer. Also I tend generally to be affected adversely by unhappiness and suffering. However when it is in your own home it is unbearable. Yes I know that one should rise above circumstances and not be affected by the suffering of others but hey like everyone else I am no saint even fully functioning normal people can be profoundly affected by the suffering of a loved one and I am most certainly not a normal fully functioning person. It must therefore be remembered that such causes for depression in a person who already has this type of emotional problem will of course be accentuated adding its toll to an already burdened mind. So I hope this opportunity mentioned in the above entry will have a positive outcome for all of us.

April 21st
In the previous entry concerning the uplifting of my mood as the result of some encouraging turn of events I noticed that this had a knock on effect inasmuch as my mood had improved albeit for only a few hours I was now far more motivated to do other things and circumstances in general now had a more positive aspect. For example on the morning just before this positive event we had planned to go out in the evening for a drink at the local pub. Now I was really so depressed that the thought of having to get ready and drag my sorrow self to the pub and sit there trying to appear normal filled me with utter despair and I had agreed to go only as matter of conscience not wanting to let my son and husband down. Now with the increase in my mood the prospect of this evening out not only became less daunting but I was actually reasonably keen to go. Although with all honesty I am never overly enthused to do much at all. However my mood had definitely changed one positive circumstance altering the negative perception of another.

April 25th
Remember, happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely upon what you think.
Dale Carnegie
Continuing with the whys and wherefores of depression mentioned in the above entries and in particular how quickly one’s mood can change as a result of both external and internal circumstances. I would like to share a few thoughts about depression.

Except for certain serious life events most of our depression and anxiety results from what is occurring within our minds. Even very minor external events can take on threatening, anxiety provoking and depressing perspectives if our perception of a circumstance is perceived in an exaggerated hyper-negative way. Sufferers of any mental illness know only too well how the mind can delude us with its distorted perceptions of reality. As those of you who have read my writing on my website know I do find great comfort in quotations and the following are just a few that suggest as Buddha said that the mind is the architect of out suffering:
“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts" Buddha
 Whether we perceive Buddha as a philosopher, an enlightened being, a divine being or of no consequence at all is irrelevant he was a very insightful and perceptive person and had insight into the nature of suffering and how such suffering arises with in the mind.

The following is a selection of quotations from various cultures and faiths by people who were also very much aware that most suffering arises from the mind.
Reality is like a face reflected in the blade of a knife; its properties depend on the angle from which we view it.
Master Hsing Yun
The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.
John Milton
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
Marcus Aurelius
Concerning the final quotation, the last phrase in my opinion is the crux of the matter. Whether the problem is external or internal do we really have the power to change our perception and revoke it? In my opinion the OCD sufferer does NOT “have the power to revoke at any moment” our negative perception concerning anything external or indeed anything internal.
The cause of our suffering as OCDers most certainly arises from our mind - at least the suffering which occurs as a result of the intrusive thoughts, the obsessions and the consequent compulsions that compel us to waste our lives involved in time consuming rituals to mitigate these thoughts that will not be silenced. These unwanted and intrusive thoughts precipitate depression along with fearful scenarios referred to as catastrophizing; fearful imaginings of dire consequences that may arise in any situation. Such thoughts return again and again to torment the sufferer, therefore much of our suffering does arises purely from what occurs within our minds. Moreover after a life of subjugation to the horrendous incursion of OCD obsessions and compulsions the final torment of our wasted life arises within our minds to torment us with regret. Similar torments and regrets arise within the minds of anyone with any of the other anxiety disorders mentioned on this website and indeed all mental health problems but within of course a different context.

Concerning external circumstances: most would agree that for certain painful events in life it is reasonable to be depressed. Such events include bereavement, divorce, redundancy, and loss of home, ill health and so on. However as ones depression increases due to a mental malady such as OCD other far less serious life circumstances begin to bring about depression such as a mild disappointment or a situation not turning out as we had expected. It is this type of external circumstance that we often perceive in a very negative way far out of proportion and this can begin to bring about profound depression, which to the moral person would not occur.

The question therefore is: How do we revoke our perception not only of negative external circumstances but also the suffering and torment that arises from within. Philosophers and psychologists recognise our mind as the cause of our suffering but can they or anyone else explain how one attains the ability to revoke such negative perceptions. How does one alter one’s perception? OCD thoughts are indeed powerful very powerful to such a degree at times we lose out tenuous grip on reality, if we did not we would not carry out these miserable life consuming compulsions.

It is one thing knowing the cause of our depression or our anxiety and quite another thing to do something about it. Rather like knowing that drinking red wine has given me a migraine will do nothing to mitigate my migraine in the same way likewise knowing that inappropriate thinking and perception of circumstances causes our depression does not enable us to overcome such negative perspectives.

To put it simply: I know that what I think makes me depressed; I recognise that all the awful intrusive thoughts result in my depression; I understand that often times I overreact to external problems perceiving them in a far more detrimental way than the non sufferer would. Yet the burning question is how do we alter these negative and sometimes inappropriate perceptions of both external and internal circumstances. How do I stop all these negative thoughts? For instance how do I revoke a tormenting thought that is telling me that I may harm someone if I do not shower and change my cloths, or that I am going to die on a certain day at a certain time or that I that have lung caner, or I have left the gas on and a fire is likely, or I have written something that will cause harm by word or deed. How do I revoke a blasphemous thought or a violent image? How do I revoke a perception that a trifling circumstance such as my art work not turning out perfect, yes that is how petty it can get sometimes, is not anything to be depressed or anxious about.

My depression and anxiety arise like a sickness and sometimes I know the reason: I have significant insight into what is happening to me nonetheless I am powerless to mitigate it simply by my awareness of its cause. The sinking heavy burden of depression comes upon me much the way any illness does. Sure I can say all the right words: I can try and see the situation from a more rational perspective although there are of course times when this is not always possible as for instance when I first become seriously effected by OCD religious/ scrupulosity obsessions and compulsions. However knowing that you are feeling miserable because of irrational thinking and carrying out equally irrational compulsive behaviours to mitigate this thinking does not take away the depression. Somehow you cannot quite convince your mind to accept the more logical and rational perspective you are desperately trying to teach it.  

So if anyone can tell me how I can control how I think and control the automatic response, which is the depression and anxiety, that results from both external and internal circumstances I and countless others would be eternally grateful.

Yes indeed it is helpful to know why we are depressed, but we also need to know what to do. I quite understand that a lot of my depression arises from my mind but how do I change my mind and make it think differently? Yes medication helps some people and cognitive behavioural therapy can most certainly help us to gain more normal rational perspectives. However it has got to generate positive feelings it is not of much use to mentally go over more positive thoughts like we would recite a mantra or a litany in church. No eventually we need to have the correct feelings along with the thoughts. It is more than just saying all the right positive words we have to eventually feel it in order to be truly free of depression. Perhaps after long sustained therapy and support from others we can eventually feel less depressed as more positive ways of looking at our thinking become more natural. We have to really get in the habit of thinking more postive and this takes time. It is a hard journey and I have not arrived at it’s end it takes an enormous amount of willpower and courage and help from others. It is for this reason that I have written this blog and all my other writings in order to make others understand just how much help and support we need for this very arduous journey. I do believe that if we can develop right thinking for long enough and begin to perceive many of our external and internal events within out lives in a more rational way we can break free from a life filled with the misery of anxiety and depression.

28th April
The pleasantest things in the world are pleasant thoughts: and the great art of life is to have as many of them as possible.
Montaigne

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius

The ride through the countryside on such a glorious day is uplifting and as we approach Durham the sky is a mixture of blue interspersed with enormous cumulous clouds. There is a an exhilarating breeze waving the trees which are beginning to bud into leaf. We pass by the university campus and I see Durham cathedral high upon the hill overlooking the city, a sentinel that has stood there for nearly a thousand years. Lose petals blow in the wind like confetti from the cheery trees which line the route a treat for my eyes and my weary soul. Despite my unhappy existence I can’t help but feel some positive emotion. Durham is quite an impressive city at least this part is and it is a pleasure to drive through it on our way across the city. It is now a familiar trip and one that despite my miseries I would say that I enjoyed.
This morning I have quite a significant headache I feel very pressured, as there is so much to do and so little time in which to do it and I feel somewhat resentful that my life seems one of so much stress and unhappiness. There always seems to be some problem or another and when one is sorted another begins. I woke this morning at 2.45 with a dreadful headache, there was a loud noise of machinery from the local factory, it does not occur regularly and is presumably an accidental occurrence.

However I am still subjected to the continual low frequency hum mentioned in a previous entry. I am really so tired of the constant intrusion of noise, there are no moments of peace ever except when we go in the hills and other open natural places free from the clamour and the inconsiderate intrusion of others. Noise is really beginning to be a major problem in fact all my hyper sensitivities are becoming more of an issue as my sensitivity seems to be on the increase. Sensitivities being both emotional and physical. Physical as in an increase in the awareness of noise -I hear noise that others appear not to hear. Increases in my emotional sensitivities include heightened sensitivities into the suffering of others: there is so little now that I can watch on TV without being adversely effected. I really need to be mindful of this and not continue watching the TV because I am simply too depressed in the evenings to actually move from my seat and do something else.

Moreover increasingly my sense of responsibility has also been heightened. Considering the fact that I have significant illnesses to cope with I feel rather as though I am on a treadmill and despite my own ill health I am expected to be there for others. However is this coming from a normal rational perspective or from the OCDers sense of over responsibility? It is most likely the latter. Most of the responsibilities that I feel are mine exist within my mind - I could say no For the most part such responsibilities arise from my mind’s my perception that such and is my responsibility and the guilt that ensues if I ignore such considerations is too tormenting to ignore.
After the trip mentioned above we have to go to computer classes and than with my brother-in-law for drink. Oh way way too much, life has now taken on a hurried and time pressured existence. I know that some of these things such as an outing and the computer classes should be considered as pleasurable pastimes – after all I do not have to do these things and if it were not for the continual pressure of life perhaps I would once again see them that way as pleasant pass times rather than pressures. But no for now everything seems just too much for me and I feel I have no time to relax or to even be ill. As bizarre as that sounds sometimes I just want some peace and quiet to endure my headache without the pressure of having to be well and up and doing because of my inability to say no. Today I just feel as though I want some peace and quiet and not to feel guilty or overwhelmed because I have a headache

Despite all these concerns this trip into Durham brings to light feelings of pleasure rarely experienced and again attests to the theory that ones external and internal circumstances have a significant effect upon mood and whether or not we are depressed. A similar trip on a cloudy rainy day with a cloud leaden sky travelling through an ugly run down city would not have the same effect at all, my spirits instead of rising would plummet. Yes for many of us whose moods and nervous dispositions are fragile our environment does most certainly affect the way we feel .

Quite frankly considering the enormous amount of negative input that pours through my mind I would have to aspire to sainthood to rise above it. However we can do out best there are many things we can do to improve our mood even if only slightly for a few suggestions see self help hints and tips section. One way of helping us not to feel so overwhelmed by our negative perception is to make a mental note when anything positive happens even if it is only a very small thing such as that short trip to Durham I mentioned earlier. Also I find reading inspiring affirmations helps to lift one’s spirits - see Inspirations page.

April 29th

Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
A lot has changed in recent years concerning public awareness of OCD and this of course can only be of benefit. Now when in certain circumstances you have to mention the fact than you have OCD most people have some idea what you re talking about although of course most people's knowledge is limited to the most common type of OCD namely contamination OCD. Many years ago the disorder which was than called anxiety neurosis or obsessive compulsive neurosis was often unfamiliar even to doctors.

In fact a lot has changed since I was first diagnosed with OCD and sadly some of these changes are to our detriment. One of these changes includes a general increase in awareness and change of attitudes to hygiene and such can make the reality of our OCD intrusive thoughts appear more real than they once did – at least for those of us who suffer with OCD contamination. There are now germicidal wipes, tissues used to disinfect your hands whenever you cannot get to wash them – a real boon to the OCDer who is unable to overcome his compulsions but a hindrance to anyone trying to recover. There are all kinds of germicidal wipes one can pull out straight from the packet to wipe the telephone for instance or door handles, toilet seats or just about anything an OCDer would consider contaminated. There are good number of disinfectants you can spray even bleach! Not a healthy option as chlorine should not be inhaled and is not good for one’s health. I have just finished now spraying the bath with a disinfectant germicidal spray; I use it to spray the taps and anything and everything during a contamination panic. (Yes I do so now with some anxiety concerning the possible health aspect of breathing in such chemicals but that is another story and another anxiety which no doubt I will share with you sometime.) Years ago now I had to mix concentrated disinfectant with water and use a plant spray. Now it is all just too easy for us OCDers. There are even toilet seat shape tissues we can cover the seat when we have to use a public toilet - great idea! But years ago this would certainly have been considered as neurotic and over the top.
 
In addition to all these aids to cleanliness and a germ free existence society in general now has more concerns about germs and contamination. My sister used to work in a kitchen with very strict hygiene rules. The mop used to clean the play school area was not allowed to be taken into the kitchen a separate mop was required to clean the kitchen floor. Yet workers would walk freely from one area into another, which made the requirement to have different mops rather pointless. There were all kinds of similar rules, which seemed to have no logic but were OCDish. Yes society is more hygiene conscious now, many people shower more than once each day, many people change their clothing more than once each day. However the difference is that they do so as it is part of the way people live now and because the concept of hygiene and cleanliness has become more of an issue and that is all. The difference is that people who are now more hygienic than in previous times are not so because they have been tormented by fearful unwanted intrusive thoughts and scenarios of death and disaster, or fears of harming themselves or others if they do not adhere to certain rules of hygiene. No most certainly there is a difference, it is the thinking behind the action and it is this difference that brings about enormous suffering for the OCDer.

Although hygienic awareness has increased considerably it nonetheless dose not reach the portion that it does for the sufferer of OCD. Nonetheless such heightened awareness generally tends to make it more difficult for the OCDer to gain a more rational perspective upon his or her behaviour. People will actually now tell you that this or that is normal:. “Oh my friend washes all her bath towels separately from other laundry and after each person has used them.” Yes maybe she does and probably by certain standards this could seem a little over the top even in this more hygiene aware time. However this is probably all this person does and for the rest of the time her behaviour is more normal concerning other aspects of cleanliness. She is not tormented by frightening thoughts of becoming contaminated and passing on such contamination to others. She does not spend hours and hours washing her cloths, her home or her hands. She is not self-conscious to put her hand out to receive change in a shop because her hands are creaked, dry and sore and look like the hands of a woman of eighty. She does not shower and change if she has had to use a public toilet and became anxious that her clothing my have touched the toilet seat. She does not cover her settee because she feels that a visitor will contaminate it and that now it has been contaminated it will contaminate others! She is not afraid to go out in case she should become contaminated. Sometimes I think that nowadays people can think that we actually do not have problem. Over the years I have grown weary of such comparisons made even by health professionals. I was once told many years ago now that every one fears death it is normal to fear death. Yes of course but everyone does not engage themselves in time consuming cleaning rituals, superstitious rituals, checking rituals, or endure an endless stream of intrusive frightening thoughts as a result of such fear do they!