I am We. In diagnostic terminology, this phenomena is called “Dissociative Identity Disorder” (DID), formerly recognized as Multiple Personality Disorder. DID is the most extreme manifestation of the disorders in the dissociative spectrum. Dissociative Identity Disorder is caused by prolonged, relentless, and repetitive exposure to trauma. Trauma may be defined as any situation where an individual feels incredibly threatened, incapable of finding safety, or fearing for their life. Trauma may present itself in many situations: childhood physical, sexual, emotional, ritual, or spiritual abuse, neglect, consistent ridicule... Repetitive operations or extensive hospital testing in childhood is also known to cause DID. (I should mention, also - trauma is not a necessary component to developing DID. DID differs for each individual but for most it is a creative survival mechanism and a way to cope with traumatic situations beyond one’s normal limits.)

Symptoms of DID include an incapability of remembering personal information, time loss, amnesia, out of body experiences, body memories, flashbacks, nightmares, hearing voices communicating within your head that do not sound like your own, pressure headaches (the ones that feel like your skull is being pushed from the inside out, like a balloon with too much air), and derealization.

DID is commonly formed in early childhood; according to research, the process of dissociation usually begins before the age of five. For us, dissociation was our ability to “go away” when things became too much. Kitty, who is a five year old girl Inside, says, “It’s like getting lost in your headspace.” An example of less-severe dissociation is driving in the car and suddenly realizing that time has passed and you can not remember what took place, or how you got to the place you are at. Daydreaming, and “getting lost” in an activity are also manifestations of dissociation.

DID is a severe form of dissociation where there are many splits in an individual’s memories, thought processes, emotions, and sense of self (identity). The Child who was born into our flesh-body - the one we call Kamavirya, the First Born, or the Self of Origin - used dissociation to escape the abuse, neglect, fear, and pain he felt. There was no trust, no security, no love, no tangible place to hide, no one to turn to, no one to protect him, and no place safe. Day after day, Kama was brutalized, tortured, experimented on, sexually abused, neglected, starved, punished by those who were supposed to care for him, so Kama left the body and hid inside the mind. The Child, the Self of Origin born into this body has become many Spirits who share this body to this day. We are not crazy, nor devils. We are survivors of abuse. We are individuals.

The psychologists refer to the people who share the body as “Alters”, which is derived from the word “Alternatives”. We prefer to use the term Others, because that is what we are. We are Other selves, each unique with our own sets of emotions, nationalities, memories, behaviors, mannerisms, voices, likes, dislikes, ages, histories, and perceptions of the world. Medical and psychological conditions also vary between the Others, for example, when Nadia is using the body, she can not consume dairy because she is severely lactose intolerant, yet if she is not near the surface (the surface being the outside world), we can have dairy products without an allergic reaction. Other examples include Ella who suffers from Fibromyalgia, Kati who is diabetic, Krissy who is legally blind, Feral who is mute… Skel and Alex have anorexia nervosa. Glutton is a compulsive overeater. Jade has OCD and agoraphobia. Nearly all of us have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

The Others form what we call a “System”. In our System, we have children as young as two, teens, and adults aged (at oldest) fifty-seven years. We are Polyfragmented, which means over 100 individuals share this body. Some of the individuals Inside are nonhuman - taking the forms of mythical creatures (specifically a Fey, a fairy, named Avoliza), animals (we have a lion named Sangasu, a wolf named Wolf, a dog named Sobaka), a shadow (named Empty), or inanimate objects like Dolly (who is a doll) or Rags (who is a puppet).

We have seven Systems inside. Each System has its own set of Others, who have their own lives and responsibilities and histories. Every System is separated by“amnesic walls”. The Systems have a hierarchy. The larger the number, the stronger the System, meaning: the seventh System holds the most power in the body, and this system is very deeply barricaded inside, working on a mainly subconscious level. I am part of the System called the Masks. We are the lowest-level system in the hierarchy. The Masks are the Others who can use the body regularly, because we have tasks to perform, or because we are a safe individual to occupy the body. Above us is the Tribe, or the Exiled. Followed by, in sequential order to most powerful, the Pride, the Jewels, the Keys or the Programming, the SCBID (System Control Board and Internal Database), and finally, the Ascended Masters.

The Systems live in a place inside our mind that we call the Inside World, or simply ‘Inside’. It is our world, and it feels more real to us than the outside reality that we participate in. Inside, we live in a big brick house on a hill. Anyone from our system who wants a room within the main house may have one. Others may choose to live elsewhere. There are valleys with flowers, dense forests with tree houses, streams, caves, playgrounds, and an ocean beyond the mountains with a beautiful marina… It is our safe place, or mostly safe, because there are some negative places Inside too (such as the Graves or the Underworld).

Now that I have presented you with a preface of DID and what it entails, I will give you an account of our daily life.

This is written in my perspective - and mine alone. “Me”, in this instance, being Cleo. I am thirteen and I hate living in a stupid boy’s body. Our body is twenty years old.