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Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
Jonathan Larson
When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and
so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened
for us."
Alexander Graham bell
The two main hazards of psychoanalysis:
that it might fail, and that if it succeeds, you'll never be able to forgive
yourself for all those wasted years.
Mignon McLaughlin
Often I lament the wasted years as indeed do others who sufferer from OCD and
other anxiety disorders. On many occasions my sister complained of regret
concerning the wasted years, years during which her life was consumed by her anxieties namely: agoraphobia, anorexia nervosa and
depression. The biggest difficulty for her in gaining any satisfaction came not
only as a
result of her agoraphobia but also the overwhelming burden of depression,
inhibiting as it did any motivation to overcome the limitations imposed upon her
by this very incapacitating disorder also added it's toll. Also many OCD sufferers with whom I have
had associations over the years have often expressed regrets and sorrow for the
wasted years when many of their hopes, ambitions and dreams have dissipated into
the bleakness of a life consumed by the unremitting and time consuming demands
of obsessive compulsive behaviours.
It's not the burdens of everyday that drive men mad. It is
the regret of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin
thieves that rob us of today.
Unknown
Recently I have been rather preoccupied and driven by
an increasing urgency to make whatever life I have left to me a more fulfilling
and worthwhile experience. However I continue to suffer from OCD and now in
addition other maladies have added their toll. Therefore it is unrealistic for
me to raise my hopes too high, as indeed I have tended to do in recent years.
Coming here to the north east were the cost of living is cheaper, the people
more friendly, and my husband taking an earlier retirement after being made
redundant so that my he could stay at home with me for as long as possible, has not bought the
relief from my illnesses that I had anticipated. Nor has it bought the few
rather more satisfying years of idyllic peace that I had hoped for when as my
son put it; I could "skip in the poppy fields" in peaceful abandon. Such of course
will never happen as the mind of the OCDer and indeed any other sufferer of
anxiety will not give one a minute of peace anywhere.
Yet whatever our negative circumstances need we
necessarily consider that our lives have been wasted? Rather perhaps we should
consider that whatever we have achieved either for the betterment of another or
ourselves has been achieved despite the serious limitations that afflict us.
Perhaps we should not view successes or failure, satisfaction or
dissatisfaction, or joy or pain from the perceptive of a normal functioning
person. Perhaps we should consider that which we have achieved or the
satisfaction we have experienced however small has been accomplished despite
overwhelming odds, odds which others who are of a normal disposition when faced with
fear and anxiety on a daily often minute by minute basis, would soon be
overwhelmed by. How many so-called normal people have achieved much in life
anyway even when all circumstance have been favourable, how many actually even
give it much thought!
In my constant struggle with adversity to find
happiness and satisfaction I can often overlook the occasions when I have done
something worthwhile and because of my illness I may have actually done more
than others less incapacitated. If we examine our lives most of us will find something to
feel satisfied about. As I look back at my life there are times when I did have
some happiness for instance when I enjoyed a walk along the beach when I did not fear
contamination by peoples over friendly but out of control dogs. I can still
recall when my mind was my own, at least mostly my own as indeed I have had OCD
virtually from the very beginning. Nonetheless I found a good caring husband and
I have a
wonderful son. Although he is now sadly becoming ill also, he is nonetheless a son
to be proud of, he is artistic and intelligent and with the occasional
exceptions is easy to get along with. I have not had any of the trouble that so
called normal people have had with their children.
Anyone who has read my memoir will realise that most of
my life has been consumed by this malady and there have been long periods of
extreme incapacitation when little of any worth was ever achieved, when the
frustrations of wanting to function normally even to accomplish quite mundane
tasks such as washing the dishes was thwarted by my OCD. I recall the sadness
of wanting throughout such adversity to do something for others and when the
local catholic church wanted members to knit squares for blankets I tried to do
this one simple thing, but sadly failed as extreme fears of causing harm by
contaminating others prevented me from knitting these squares. I tried so hard to keep
these squares contamination free but no my OCD mind would tell me they had
become contaminated. But at least I tired and with all the best of intentions.
I have had many many years of overwhelming incapacity
during the best years of my life during the time during which most people
achieve whatever it is in life they attempt to accomplish if they achieve it at
all. I was thwarted and inhibited by this illnesses that divided my persona:
part of me was a normal functioning person just wanting to live a normal a life,
I did not have great ambition, just to be a homemaker and have a family was all
I ever really wanted, yet because of OCD even this relatively simple ambition
was hindered. Life has not been at all easy yet during all this I have
accomplished many things, nothing much by normal standards perhaps but we are
not comparing our accomplishments with so called normal standards. In fact
perhaps we should consider that in many ways we may have actually achieved more
if we consider the obstacles we have overcome in order to do even small things
that others can do without thought, such as have a holiday for an agoraphobic or
work in a charity shop for an OCDer with contamination fears such as I did for
many years. Yes it was difficult, sometimes I went home washed and changed or
went in special clothes but I did it nonetheless for nearly ten years and it was
only the headaches that finally curtailed my voluntary work. My sister completed
that beautiful
African design quilt
Sadly the graphics can never really convey
the intricacy and level of achievement she attained despite overwhelming fears
including actually getting to the college with agoraphobia, social phobia and
fatigue as a result of her anorexia nervosa. The completion of this work was her
crowing achievement, it was a piece of work that surpassed many of those
completed by the more able students. And to blow my own trumpet -
and why not few people will blow it for you - I have completed a functioning
web site despite crippling checking obsessions involving written work because of
fears that the content will cause harm, or I that have actually written
something offensive that could cause serious harm or simply just to make sure it is as
grammatically correct as my knowledge allows. It has taken hours and hours of
checking and more checking; hours of doubting should I say this or that or
perhaps it is better that I do not say anything at all! Moreover struggling with
the technology has made my neck condition worse as result of repetitive strain
injury because of the enormous amounts of time it has taken mainly due to the
battle from within. I can’t organise my washing or go shopping or indeed anywhere
alone; I live in fear and frustration as vast amounts of my time and my mind are
consumed by OCD and it's increasing demands and sometimes due to all the stress I
cannot recall the smallest of things, notwithstanding these obstacles I have
created this website. Also I have struggled to paint and draw often thwarted by fear of
causing harm by toxins. Yes I have to wash my hands quite a bit and sometimes my
clothes and I do avoid some of the more toxic materials and perfectionist
tendencies spoil it for me along with indecision interrupting my creative
ability. Nonetheless I persist.
I know I come
over as a hopeless case and it looks as
though for the most part the OCD has won. Nevertheless if I think about it I
have done something with my life it has not been entirely wasted. And so did my
sister and many many others like her. Take a look at the
gallery
all the
creative work consisting of poetry, visual art, patchwork, photography and
creative writing, each of these inclusions was accomplished by someone with an
anxiety disorder or other mental health problem.
A lot of what has occurred in my life has been negative
and most of my writing in my journal is not uplifting or encouraging however I
have tried to balance this by including something positive on this website: The
gallery. When I check the statistics of website traffic most hits have been on
pages with a more negative content. Why is this? Why do we all have such a
tendency to focus upon the negatives rather than the positives, the failures
rather than the successes? Yet we do and this is not just an anxiety disorder
thing either: most of what we read in the newspaper or see on TV is negative.
Dwelling upon negativity seems to be a universal problem. So please check out
the more positive aspect of this website and contribute your achievements this
need not necessarily be creative accomplishments, for instance it would be so
wonderful to have some positive stories about your successes no matter how
large or small.
Regret for time wasted can become a
power for good in the time that remains, if we will only stop the waste and the
idle, useless regretting.
Arthur Brisbane
I hope to continue to do more positive things, more
artwork and so on even though right now it is very very difficult with my OCD.
So lets all just look over our lives from time to time and keep a positives
journal perhaps and just write down when something went right, or when you
enjoyed yourself even if its only a small thing such as to laugh at a joke even
though you may be profoundly depressed. Or you have gone to the garden gate to greet
a neighbour if you are agoraphobic or social phobic. Perhaps you have helped
another suffering person despite your own suffering; even talking to other
sufferers and sharing our suffering can go along way to alleviating the
suffering of another. If we really look hard we can find something and perhaps
consider that even amongst the predominance of the so called wasted years there
has been times when our lives have meant something and something of satisfaction
has been achieved. Regret is in fact a universal emotion it is common to all
people irrespective of health or illness, wealth or poverty, good or bad
circumstances. It is normal to grieve for one's perceived regrets most of which
are borne in any case from hindsight. But we should not allow such to spoil
further opportunities.
Regret is an odd emotion because it comes only upon reflection.
Regret lacks immediacy, and so its power seldom influences events when it could
do some good
William O'Rourke
Sometimes been wildly,
despairingly, acutely , racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know
quite certainly that just being alive is a grand thing.
Agatha Christie
We crucify ourselves between two thieves:
regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow.
Fulton Oursler
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