September 2nd

Oh how time flies, here we are September already, summer is on the wane, although if you lived here in the Northeast of England you would be forgiven for thinking that it had gone already. Certainly very chilly and lots of rain.

We are all certainly dreading the winter, those short dreary cloud leaden days, cold and damp. Yes damp even indoors. We have taken some measures again to damp proof during the summer but I am not in the least optimistic, well is anyone with OCD. Optimism is a feeling of which I am not familiar. But seriously I doubt that our painting the sitting room floor in the corner and the down stairs cupboard with damp proof coating will do much good, but hey you have to try. Most likely it will get damp from October onwards and the only recourse we have will be to "suck it up" as the saying goes. I know that water will run down the wall in the computer room and at the top of the stairs and this is, so I am told, a very severe case of condensation damp.

Today we had planned to go to Craster a Northumbrian coastal village. However both Kevin and I were having IBS troubles, when don't we, for the most part never. But today is particularly problematic, although I do not think that my son has the condition quite to the extent I have, but who can tell. We can never know what it feels like to be another person despite claims of the existence of a so called "theory of mind". if you wish to know what a theory of mind is please click here: Theory of mind - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia . Yes of course Theory of mind refers to mental states but pain and physical suffering are to some extent experienced by ones mental state and everyone experiences pain and illness differently. Therefore what may appear to you to be an insignificant pain in another person, may for that person be overwhelming. Yet few really understand this and in all honesty if we think about it, how can we really know what it is like physically or mentally to be another person. Yet many people think they do and make judgements accordingly without any analysis or doubt. It is claimed that people with autism and animals have no theory of mind. I claim that no one one has, there is no such thing. Empathy may occur in some instances but only with those who experience similar emotions and even than you really cannot put yourself in another's shoes so to speak.

Anyway back to our day out, although the theory of mind comments have relevance. The problems is that Craster has few public toilets, only those in the car park, a short walk from the village admittedly, but when you are having difficulties it is not convenient. Also we hoped to walk along the coastal path through the fields to the medieval ruined Dunstanburgh Castle castle owned by English Heritage and opened to the public. No toilet there either so for people with medical problems such as IBS, and indeed more serious bowel and bladder conditions of which there are plenty, its impossible. People with anxiety disorders, pregnant women, small children and the elderly also sometimes need to use a toilet more frequently, for such people it can be difficult. Consequently what should be a pleasure is a misery simply from want of a public toilet which should be a basic public facility in a developed country, or indeed any country, but which sadly here in the UK is not, at least not in recent times. Although in all fairness regarding the castle, it is remote so there is unlikely no plumbing, however the person who collects the entrance fee has to go somewhere so there may be a chemical toilet for his or her use. But sadly as you will see further down if not adequately installed or tended these are as good as useless.

This situation excludes many people from taking part in normal day to day activities and many people are becoming house bound simply because there are no public toilets for them to use. And for those who like me are bloody minded and determined to go out regardless, such trips are becoming increasingly a misery.  But even with determination there are limits where I can go particularly on difficult day, and going to Craster would be a misery. Mind you any day is not easy, even if my waste disposal system is reasonable it is never normal and anxiety about where to find a toilet is becoming enmeshed in my OCD, and passing a toilet I have to go in even if I am okay just in case there are no toilets later on. When you're not well with other problems such as a nasty headache this can be exhausting and stressful.

I felt a bit despondent about abandoning our trip out to Craster; this is lovely coastal location, natural, windswept peaceful and well worth a visit. So instead we are off to Belsay house an English Heritage property and one we have visited on many accessions. The estate comprises of an empty mansion dating back to the 18th century, a medieval ruined castle and an interesting and unusual garden called the quarry garden rather like gorge. Here there are toilets, so we are okay, at least there were last time . But no they have changed the set up and instead of paying from a kiosk at the main entrance you now have to pay at a building block near the stables not sure what it is but the point is once you get inside the main estate you cannot access the toilets which are in the car park. Complicated but previously they were reasonably accessible from anywhere on the property now it involves a long walk particularly if you are at the castle. My heart sinks I am really sooo weary of the lack of consideration about public conveniences. Theory of mind! you have to be kidding. You would think that it would be a matter of common sense never mind empathy for how this effects people with certain afflictions. It appears that the problems involved simply doesn't occur to whoever set up this new arrangement. I overheard the person at the cash desk tell a visitor it was about half a mile to the castle, that's a long way if you are elderly or you have difficulty walking to trek back to the car park to use the toilet. There are two portaloos at the castle I hear him tell these people, open during the height of the season, summer spring and if you' re lucky Autumn.  I hate those portaloos, generally they are filthy, when we arrived they smelt awful although they looked clean and I cannot enter despite being in considerable discomfort. My husband says its just the chemicals but even if it is...ugh. It's over whelming, but it smells unclean to me. I cannot imagine the condition of these toilets on a day when the place is crowded, they were bad enough today. A day which should have been relaxing is spoilt by the simple lack of consideration for a certain group of people.

I wanted to complain at the pay desk but the chap there had been so friendly, he had remembered us from a trip we made to Aydon castle the previous Monday despite the fact  I complained loudly because of the huge dog which I think was his  that suddenly appeared and wanted a fuss, a very persistent dog I might add. I am really stressed about dogs after the last incident in the lake district and I can't afford to keep throwing cloths away because someone's dog has jumped all over them. We did not stay as long as we used to and I said I would not return as it is simply not pleasurable at all, a real misery.

I am as you may gather from the tone of this entry angry about the situation here in the UK where councils have  closed down public toilets or close them as early as 4,30! Most are closed after about 5 am accept in the Yorkshire dales.  In the county in which I live there are to my knowledge at least three large towns which do not have a public convenience of any sort and never have and there are most likely more, I imagine there are more . And where there are toilets they have been closed down. In one Market town the council demolished the only public toilet and built a new council office! Market traders at the weekly market now have no toilet facilities and had to make a private arrangement with the local pub! They were fortunate most pubs do not like people using their facilities if they are not customers, this also applies to shops . Most outrageous of all is the inland revenue offices which have no toilets for public use and neither does the job centre! I have been into café's with no toilet even in a place where there is no toilet in the village. I will not now patronise such establishments who cannot supply a basic facility. How can you enjoy a meal, even if you do not want to use the toilet you may like to wash your hands, but sadly these days few people bother to practice this very basic of all hygiene requirements. Most villages do not have a toilet and even our nearest City only has two blocks some considerable distance apart. Sedgefield the former prime ministers home town has a public toilet but it is closed, apparently because they cannot find a cleaner ! I had enquired in the library why there were no toilets in the village, where there any toilets there in the library? I doubt it as no one offered. This was a few years ago perhaps things have changed but I have not been back to find out because... well I need to use the toilet . In fact most people do, do they not, at some point, no one can go all day without doing so. Apparently it is a normal requirement for people to urinate at least every two hours. People are constantly advised to drink eight glasses of water each day for health reasons. I have had this advice from my GP, but how the hell can you drink eight glasses of water and go about your life if there is no facilities. So I can rarely if ever try this health improvement advice, unless of course I confine myself to the house all day .

Those large open air shopping centres never have a toilet, if a shop such as Sainsbury's is there you can use their toilets as of course it s so busy that no one notices if you 're not a customer or not and I rather think in large supermarkets it wouldn't matter anyway. But if there are no Supermarkets, usually in addition to the aforementioned only ASDA and Tessco and sometimes Morrison's, and no public toilet well you can't go to shop in these centres. A small shop will not let you use theirs and besides its embarrassing to have to ask particularly when you have social interaction difficulties, the usual excuse is that their insurance would not cover them if there was an accident. What a sad miserable society we live in, everyone protecting their own interests . In one shopping centre Home Base closed their public toilets. Why? What the hell is going on. We can't browse there now and rush in and out, get what we want as quickly as possible. They loose I imagine many sales because of this.

If you live in the UK and are as angry about this situation you could write to your MP or your local council.

For useful information: The Gut Trust - Irritable Bowel Syndrome support, advice, self management

A word about English Heritage of which my husband son and I are members. I do so hate to complain about such organisations as English heritage which like the National Trust is a  charity and they do a great job of preserving our history. We are members of English heritable because we are interested in history and enjoy old buildings and historical sites. But something needs to be done about facilities in some of these sites to make them accessible to members of the public with this kind of disability.

Disability is often perceived solely in the connect of mobility hence the wheel chair symbol you see on toilet doors, when there are toilets that is, on car parking spaces and elsewhere and oftentimes it is not considered that there are other kinds of disabilities which should be catered for. Anyway in the case of toilets for a person in a wheelchair of course the situation is much worse because more often than not such a person will not be able to go into a pub or cafe or other public place where, despite recent laws requiring toilet facilities for the disabled in public places, many still do not provide them. Sometimes I think that this has some connection with the closure of toilets, after all if there are no public toilets at all the council concerned will not need to proved a special one for the disabled as is required by law. There are a lot of people with disabilities whose lives could be far better in terms of getting out and about if only there where toilets for them to use. I knew a lady in a wheel chair who had great difficulty with going out simply because there are so few disabled toilets. You know it feels like there is a 5 pm curfew for the disabled, and those who have health conditions which require a toilet, simply because , with a few exceptions, all public conveniences close at this time.

September 6th

Below is a link which will take you to a research paper, the subject of which is OCD. Not an easy read.  According to my understanding this paper says that OCD may be a mixture of neurological (structural and chemical) and psychological causations.

Read it for yourself , it is free! What a refreshing change as many of these research papers require a payment, often a significant one at that!

The link was sent to me by an OCD friend. If you have links to any useful information concerning any of the disorders included on this website please do send them for inclusion.

There are two files a PDF and HTML

http://www.eymj.org/Synapse/Data/PDFData/0069YMJ/ymj-47-443.pdf

The Genetic Studies of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Its Future Directions

September 7th

There is a new Page of artwork in the gallery from Kevin and an extra painting included in Page two . The artwork though is not new and was painted at least eighteen months ago. Unfortunately Kevin really feels unable to cope with his painting and drawing and has not produced anything in many months. Depression and anxiety are the main culprits. There are many artists who have suffered depression and have still produced work nonetheless and remain creative, the most well-known was Van Gough. However for others depression, particularly when accompanied by anxiety and stress, seems to sap all motivation and self esteem. Simply put Kevin has no motivation and thinks he is no good at either painting or drawing. What do you think? I know I am his mother and may therefore be considered biased but this is not the case at all. If he did not have any talent I would not be continually encouraging him to paint, although to him such encouragement is interpreted as nagging, irritating or interfering. But it is heart breaking to see  such talent go down the drain. At some point he says he will try again. Some point is sadly a phrase often used by procrastinators, who continually delay for whatever reason including the reasons  mentioned above. Depression being the greatest cause of procrastination. My response is: What point?

Life passes all too quickly, and we may regret not doing this or that as we grow older and we wish we had our time again and if we did we would not put things off. Even if you only paint, draw, write, do your gardening, cooking, exercise, whatever it is you keep putting off, for only a small part of the day it is better than nothing. Don't put things off. If for just an hour a day he would paint or draw... if only!  We used to have a painting  hour in the evenings but in the last year or so this has slowly gone by the by and now he no longer draws or paints, and it is difficult to know how to encourage him. Despite the theme of this website depression does sap your motivation and your creative skills, but you should try to keep them alive and do one small creative thing each day. Oh I wish Kevin would take my advice. But I so understand where he is coming from as the saying goes, it is not easy to battle depression and fear everyday, yes anxiety is a type of fear an ongoing gnawing type of fear, a little different from the acute stab of fear experienced in a moment when one feels a sudden or perceived threat, but anxiety is fear nonetheless. Fear can be paralysing and so can stress also related to fear, and I believe that with ongoing anxiety, fear and depression one can be so overwhelmed and it is difficult to function on any level.

Depression, that heavy feeling that drags you down and makes every task a huge one from the simplest to the more difficult such as creativity, is very demoralising. It is not easy to get yourself together so to speak, to get out an easel, paints and canvas or a drawing book or even  to sit there at the computer and write. Depression I think is a major cause of writer's block, or artist's block, or indeed simply getting out of bed block, or going out block, with depression every task is huge. Sometimes simply not knowing what to paint or draw can be so paralysing in the same way as not knowing what to write, and the blank paper or canvas can be daunting, if of course you actually get that far, that is getting out your canvas or paper or even turning on your computer or as just said even getting out of bed . You may know that if you did not suffer from depression and anxiety and did not have whatever condition you are afflicted with you would actually enjoy whatever creative talent you have, but that awful depression drags you down and you can't be bothered. The awful thing is though with depression, at least in my experience, you can end up too despondent to do anything all day but than at the end of the day you can than feel sooooo depressed because yet again you let depression have its own way. My son though is doing other things, such as creating a new website and I hope that depression does not sap his motivation but lately it for him is becoming a struggle. It is all too easy to be overwhelmed by one task, abandon it, take on another and have depression and stress spoil the new endeavour. This is the way OCD works also. You can be fine when you start a new endeavour than OCD thoughts present and make the task a misery and you than have  to persist with determination somehow navigating around the obsessions and compulsions which arrive. And I think the same goes for depression and anxiety.

Anyway comments on Kevin's art would be welcome, any comments negative or positive although of course I will not relate to him negative criticisms even if they are constructive. I think when you suffer with depression even constructive criticism seems a blow to your self esteem. But I would like to know what others think and if anyone has any ideas about how to motivate him these will be welcome. Of course he simply may not like painting and drawing although I think the aforementioned issues plays a huge roll in his lack of motivation. When you are anxious stressed and depressed you actually do not know if you like doing something or not and after years of being this way you have no idea whether or not you previously enjoyed a certain pass-time or hobby. Perfectionism is another problem which rears its ugly head and which of course has an obsessive compulsive quality and is also huge problem for both Kevin and I. It can destroy your creativity but more importantly your enjoyment until you loose interest or even intensely dislike that which you previously enjoyed or at least benefited from in some way. Enjoy is a word I find difficult to use as it is so long since I can honestly say I enjoyed anything!

Don't forget to take a peak at Kevin's art if you have not already done so. Page three artwork  Page two

September 9th

Another awful trip out today I feel on the brink of despair concerning my ability to go out, particularly any distance from home.  We had planned to go for a meal at our usual pub in Cumbria and afterwards to Sedbergh, the Book Town, so called because of the several second hand book shops there. The day was glorious weather wise ,no doubt a last minute spate of warm weather before the onset of autumn. The sky was clear but not too bright as it is in the height of summer which I tend to find overwhelming. A perfect day, except of course no day ever is. Yes it does appear that all I do is complain and surely you must think that there must be some days less fraught and perhaps I give a false perspective of my life by not including comment of such days. Well... quite honestly there isn't, everyday is a huge struggle and I think this is the case for many who suffer with anxiety and depression let alone the added misery of migraine, chronic tension headaches and IBS not to forget of course the aches and pains and fatigue . But just lately the greatest misery is migraine headaches and IBS which both combined to bring about a real misery. To day I wake again with a shocking headache although not as bad as the two previous nights , although I have headaches every night and also during the day in recent months there are spates lasting two or three day when these night time headaches are more severe. Also awful bloating, indigestion and sometimes feeling sick during the night. We had put off this trip since last Monday because my son had either a bug or a bad flare up of IBS and now it was my turn as the day before I had a problem with IBS and today was still I  have surges of stomach pain. What a life! My heart sinks, the headache sometimes lifts after and hour or two after rising but no not today . Both my son and I feel so awful, although he is a lot better than he was on Monday, we didn't know quite what to do, none of us like cancelling arrangements and twice in a row. Finally we decide to go but oh dear I wish we had not. Neither of us felt like a meal. My headache was so bad I thought it was migraine and took my medication, but nothing! No relief. If the headache is a tension headache my migraine medication will not work, why I have no idea as it is a general pain killer, but it is effective only for my migraine. So now I have still a headache and I am in addition now feeling very anxious should a migraine turn up as I can't take further medication for many hours!  The pain was so awful , the worse non migraine headache during the day for many months and I felt anxious should it be like this everyday continually as it was for three years when the headaches became daily nearly nineteen years ago. Today it was so bad I could not cope with browsing the book shops. I do realise  of course that a lot of my misery is the result of trying to do things that I am not well enough to do and any rational person would have stayed home today, but I am not a rational person and it is so hard to wake up on a glorious sunny day, probably amongst the last few remaining before autumn and winter and yet again have to stay home because of headache or IBS made worse of course by the dreadful situation concerning toilets.

September 10th

More on creativity.

You can find more photographs, like the one below from Luis in the Gallery. Luis having recently bought a camera is enjoying taking photographs.

Luis who has OCD and AS has been going through a very difficult time in recent months. Life is not easy with OCD, AS or any of the conditions featured here, and that is an understatement, and it can be, as already mentioned, very difficult to do anything. However Luis has made a great effort in the last couple of years. If you have not already seen his sculptures please click here.

Also visit the Gallery and look at the creative accomplishments of sufferers of OCD and other conditions.

If you have anything you wish to include, photographs, art or crafts, writings, whatever please e-mail me for inclusion.

September 11th