The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

September 2007

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A good selection of interesting quotations

September 1st

Every social phobic painfully experiences the chasm between his or her inner vision and its ultimate expression.
Isaac Bashevis Singer
 

I am increasingly becoming more depressed concerning my inability to communicate. Social interaction has of course always been a problem but now it is more keenly felt. I even have difficulties integrating in on-line news groups and have abandoned so many after simply not knowing how to fit in or by simply saying the wrong things. Often people take what I say the wrong way. Even though of course I should be mindful that perhaps that is their fault rather than mine. A while ago I joined an on-line anxiety forum and left a message including a link to my website, which I worried would be perceived as spamming. Well there where many problems with this group which I had intended to explain here in some detail but could not do so without the risk of identifying the group and this I did not wish to do as of course the problems which arose may be entirely in my imagination and anyway it is not fair to cause upset about what is really a trivial matter should anyone from the group read this blog. Suffice it to say there was a misunderstanding and one that I do not know how to rectify or even if it is now appropriate to do so or if there was any real problem in the first place.

It was one of those situations where I tried to do the right thing but went about it the wrong way and I have no idea what would have been the correct way. However of course I have to keep in mind that in any social encounter what is correct is a matter of perspective and oftentimes someone can be hurt, offend, enraged or whatever for no logical reason simply because their perspective is distorted or different from ones own. However because I experience a lot of problems with any social interaction I tend to blame myself rather than consider the problem may either be the fault of the other person or simply a misunderstanding or is the result of faults on both sides. The matter anyway was minor, trivial. The point is that I don't know how to get past it.

The nature of the difficulty is not important, suffice it to say there was a misunderstanding, at least I perceived it this way. To cut a long story short I have the feeling whether real or imagined that I inadvertently messed up this particular social interaction.

As I have already said all of this may simply be my imagination, I write this only from my perspective in order to convey the difficulty that I experience with social interaction and not to have a dig at someone. I rather think in hindsight that I was too sensitive and perhaps if I had written to try and sort this out, if indeed there was anything to sort out it would have helped. However I simply did not know what to do, how to put this right or even if there was anything to put right. Again this could all be my imagination but I sensed that I was seen as being pushy promoting my website ,when all I was trying to do was to invite them to contribute to my website either art, crafts, writings or their personal experiences with OCD and other anxiety disorders. Now I feel depressed by the whole business of on-line forums.

I would like to continue to post with this particular group but don't know how to go about doing this or how to mend any offence that I inadvertently made or even if after all this time, it is appropriate to try to do so. I would even imagine that if I did try to rectify the problem that the person concerned has entirely forgotten this issue if indeed he considered it an issue. It is ridiculous I know and perhaps this matter is best just left alone but from time to time this incident and others like it haunt me. This was by no means the first, there have been many similar incidents, misunderstandings either real or perceived by my mind as real,  but that is the nature of OCD. It takes advantage of every activity within every facet of your entire existence, it even manipulates the detrimental effects of other conditions, such as in this instance my problem relating to others due to my social ineptness borne from the possibility that in addition to OCD I may well have AS. I have no idea how to relate to other people in any social situation particularly a relatively new one such as on-line forums and chat rooms, I gave up on chat rooms years ago. I guess it is a matter of observing how others behave in forums to establish the necessary etiquette, for indeed this will never come naturally.

Often also with e-mail there are similar problems, if it is a casual exchange I never know when my reply has concluded communications. I do not know after a discussion by e-mail if it is appropriate to reply or if the conversation has concluded. Sometimes I have no idea what the other person wants, it seems I am expected to read between the lines. The result has been some near disasters such as nearly publishing an e-mail sent in by a sufferer which I wrongly assumed was written for me to publish rather than an e-mail seeking advice, advice which I hasten to add I do not feel qualified to give. Fortunately because of my OCD checking compulsion I asked prior to publication. I felt dreadful and couldn't apologise enough, gave the advice I assumed this person wanted. But I never heard from him again and as a consequence I felt dreadful. And such experiences increase my anxieties concerning social interaction. It also increases feelings of guilt for real or imaged hurts I may have inadvertently caused.

To cut along story short I don’t fit in anywhere and my confidence is now at an all time low and the motivation and inclination to make more of an effort has diminished. I feel of late as though I am isolated from others unable to relate to anyone. Not even able to hold a brief coherent conversation except with my son, husband and a befriender (a volunteer from a charity set up to provide people isolated by mental health or other problems with a once a week opportunity to talk with someone other than family members) and even in these instances there are many times when I simply fail to express myself, or I get irritated even angry as a result. Sometimes I have no idea what another person expects from me. My befriender gets really intense sometimes concerning personal issues or subjects of which she holds strong views, she just sits and stare with intensity. I know she is waiting for a response but I have no idea what she wants from me, is she looking for confirmation , a discussion, advice what ! I usually end up getting irritated although she appears not to notice - at least I hope not.

My doctor thinks that my inability to communicate may be the result of OCD, because my mind is always preoccupied with intrusive thoughts and so on I fail to focus on conversations. Yes indeed at times this may indeed be the case. However there is something else, an inability to converse, to make small talk, to connect with other people, to relate to them or express my feelings and so on... Something that was present long before my OCD became full blown, a difficulty which left me a social outcast at school with few friends. A social awkwardness that lost me a job and made associations with my fellow workers and indeed other associations throughout my entire life extremely difficult and which is becoming alarming much worse as I grow older. Well I have described my social interaction hang-ups in my articles about AS . Yes I continue to give strong consideration that I may have AS in addition to OCD.

I would very much like to hear from other with similar problems.

Nowadays social phobics lead lives of silent desperation.
James Thurber



September 6th

Indifference is the essence of inhumanity.
George Bernard Shaw

Today I went to the opticians, it was not my regular biannual appointment - at least it was earlier. I have been concerned about an occurrence the previous week with a distortion in my vision. It began with a blurring of vision right in the centre of my focus. Both occasions occurred right here whilst typing. It was a real scare the first time, after a few minutes the distortion became larger, I was panic stricken. Well naturally what hypochondriac would not be, was I going blind, did I have something wrong with my brain the usual brain tumour fear naturally presented. By coincidence I was on my way to the doctor to leave a sample for tests about another matter which has not particularly worried me but for which I need some help. Talk about this if appropriate another time. Suffice it to say I was pretty stressed out about that, for people with contamination OCD this sort of thing is an ordeal and I had put it off for days. Now just an half hour before going to drop this off at my doctors surgery there occurs a distortion in my vision. This panic replaces the previous anxiety; sometimes a greater fear overwrites so to speak a lesser fear. I was now less concerned about handing in my sample, now overwhelmed by panic and indecision of another kind. On the way the blob of distortion moved to the periphery of my vision but did not go away.

I could not decide whether to ask for an immediate appointment. Still unresolved standing behind another patient in the queue I felt overwhelmed with fear and indecision. The women in the queue before me was indecisive about an appointment and fussed and hesitated, I became angry impatient. My anxiety now was should I ask if there was  a doctor who could see me now... but was this an emergency...?  The doctor was sure to ask how long this had been going on, I worried that if I answered that only about ten minutes has a lapsed that this would make me look like a worrier, an hypochondriac which of course I am. In the end I decided to return home and see what happens. I could, I consoled myself, get an appointment with an optician, perhaps see if I can get an immediate appointment.

With appointments even immediate same day there is the  anxiety about getting a headache and having to cancel because the pain is too bad to go. So again I hesitated. In fact to tell the truth anxiety about telephoning, getting an appointment and travelling to the city was more than I could cope with. So I decided to wait a while to see what happens . Within about an hour this distortion resolved but my vision was not quite right and it was difficult to read because of the line converging problem that used to occur frequently in the past when I had to have a tinted plastic sheet to cover over a page of text to make reading easier. It was never explained to me what this phenomenon was except to say there was nothing wrong with my eyes. Later I have found out this occurs with people who are dyslexic and this may also be problem with people who have ADD or are on the autism spectrum. I am not dyslexic unless being unable to spell counts but I may be on the autism spectrum. Suffice to say the condition is not serious, a threat to either my life or my eyesight. 

I had a slight headache previous to this occurrence and afterwards a more pronounced headache presented.  I decided to leave it for a while as the condition whatever if was had appeared to right itself.

Two days later the same thing happened again whilst I was working here on my website blog with the exact same format as on the previous occasion. I begin to blame the compter and became anxious that I was not going to be able to continue with my activities here on my website or else where, so typical of my  catastrophizing tendencies.  But this was the milder concern anxieties, about dreadful eyes disease or brain disorder predominated.

Than it occurred to me that it might be a migraine aura. I have never had an aura with migraine . An aura is a visual disturbance some sufferers of migraine experience prior to an attack, but an aura can also occur without an attack flowing. I looked up the symptoms on the web to see if my symptoms fit. I know this is not a good idea for anyone, particularly for an hypochondriac who is more likely than not to find all sorts of terrifying conditions with similar symptoms upon which to ruminate with the result of feeling much worse instead of feeling better. Fortunately this time this did not happen. Nevertheless I was not happy and neither should I be of course. Even if you are an hypochondriac it is imperative that any symptoms which arise should be seen by a doctor at least in the first instance. I rang the optician for an appointment and had to wait ten days for an opening.

I worried all that time, I always do . Sometime a few days prior to such an appointment even one with the GP I find it difficult to focus on other things because of this preoccupation. Worry worry that is all my life is. Whenever I have to go for an eye test I worry about brain tumours as these can be detected during an eye test with the gizmo they shine into your eyes to examine them.  No I am not going to look up the name of this gizmo,  everyone who has had an eye test will know to what I refer. I am trying to resist the urge to be so overly accurate in my descriptions, to obsess about having everything just right and precise. It is a compulsion a facet of my perfectionism, yes if I was a professional writer writing for a magazine for example, than yes I would need to ascertain the correct terminology,  but I am not a professional writer so really such attention to detail is not necessary or appropriate as this aspect of my blog I wish to keep informal. Most people have no idea what this device is called neither do I, I am neither an optician nor a physician and therefore not expected to know. Sometimes so much time and energy can be wasted by trying to find out such things which are inconsequential. This is an aspect of OCD that I can at least try to ignore.

Also I just hate appointments, I can't cope with any kind of social interaction, being tongue-tied, finding it difficult to explain my situation, knowing that I appear awkward... well you have read so much about this that really it is superfluous to repeat it all here. If you have not read about my social interaction problems you may do so here

I often miss the previous optician I had when I lived in the south east. She was very thorough and often would give me a quick eye check in-between appointments such as my pressure points when I was panicking that I had glaucoma, this she did free of charge.

Here the person is less personal, each time you go there is a different optician. This time the optician was rather aloof, indifferent .  He more or less confirmed my suspicions that the anomaly in my vision may be the result of a migraine aura. He sighed when I began to explain my problems with the converging lines of writing. He made no comment whatsoever concerning this problem which is bugging me now, as I write the lines appear as though they are about to converge, it is very disconcerting indeed. I sighed heavily in response. I have  no idea if he heard me or even realised that he had sighed. Perhaps  I am over reacting as I myself often sigh but I did feel uncomfortable.  He proceed to test my eyes, it is difficult to decide which sets of black spots look better between a selection of two. He examined my eyes with the gizmo that would detect the tumour if there was one -- at least I hope it does, according to my understanding it is supposed to. Everything was fine. He recommend a change of prescription, they always do, tried to persuade me to have bifocals or varifoculs in stead of two separate prescriptions for separate pairs of glasses. He simply could not understand that I would not be able to cope with the distortion of vision each time I looked down. He said that few people actually look down , he obviously does not have OCD or AS patients, not that I of course mentioned either, often people with these condtions look down as they walk. For instance with OCD it is because of anxiety about stepping into something awful such as dog mess or strange stains on the pavement. But even years before I developed full-blown OCD a had the trendy to walk head down. 

They say that people with autism have no theory of mind. Theory of mind - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia  I maintain that no one has any theory of mind. Try getting someone to understand that this is not an option for you when most everyone else is okay with bifculs or varifoculs. The assistant who took the photos of the retina tried yet again to get me to have bifocals or varifocals. Again try getting people to understand that you cannot afford £400 for the highest range of varifocals. Its just outrageous!   I perhaps should not say this because really I have no idea what another person is thinking or what his or her motives are but sometime you get the feeling the optician is more interested in selling you a product, the more expensive the better rather than offering sensible advice about your eyes and which kind of glasses are the most appropriate for you. My previous optician understood the way I am sensitive to changes in vision and knew that I would not cope with bifocals or varifocals

September 5th

What we focus on, we empower and enlarge. Good multiplies when focused upon. Negativity multiplies when focused upon. The choice is ours: Which do we want more of?
Julia Cameron.
 

I am sitting here tonight writing in my blog which is unusual as most of the time I work on my compter in the mornings but tonight I simply cannot stand to be in the same room while a certain rather gruesome TV programme is showing. The programme in question is Silent Witness, a programme about pathologists investigating crime. I can no longer cope with these rather explicitly gruesome TV programmes. One glimpse of some decaying corpse can stick in my mind for hours. Rather like a thought an image such as this will return to my minds eye again and again and there is no way to rid myself of it. It will be there superimposed upon whatever view, I see it now as I am looking at the keyboard to type, as I look at the screen, look across the room out of the window, anywhere, everywhere. This imagine is there when I close my eyes. I did not get out of the room quick enough not to catch a glimpse of a dead decomposed body being dragged from a river, a child's I think. In the morning this intrusive imagine may be gone I certainly hope so.

But for now it is there as I write this, all the time this image is in my mind's eye and I only caught a fleeting glimpse before looking away but it is amazing what your eyes take in and your brain records or adds. I think ones brain tends to add things it has not actually seen particularly in such circumstances or even to exaggerate things it has not clearly seen. Intrusive images I believe are a common phenomenon for the sufferer of OCD. Intrusive imagines like intrusive thoughts can be upsetting. The intrusive image also like the intrusive thought always concerns something awful or something that will distress you even if it does not distress other people. I don't get an intrusive image of a rose or a tiny lamb or a beautiful landscape. Yes of course such images arise as they are doing now because I am writing to you about a rose, a lamb and beautiful scenery but these imagines will fade quickly but the intrusive distressing imagine may remain for hours even days. Many years ago when I was younger sneaking into the cinema to see an X rated film I had thereafter to endure several days haunted by an intrusive image which is there now in my mind after all this time. At the time of course I did not realise that this did not occur to everyone who saw this film, which by present day standards might now be considered tame, or that most people would not be particualry distressed by it, at least not for a number of days. It really made me feel anxious for a long time afterwards.  Try as I might I could not rid my mind of this image. It is now less disturbing as the imagine is more vague but it is there right now nonetheless.  Often this problem is not so bad as it once was but still I have to be mindful not to allow such images access to my mind.

I really cannot understand the trend now for this kind of graphically realistic TV. Why some people find it entertaining to watch such programmes I cannot imagine. My husband and son like this programme, they also like the similar American CSI programmes which are slightly less gruesome. Why I ask myself. If I was to watch this not only would I be stuck with a whole bunch of disturbing images but I would feel my mood become even more depressed than it is now. These programmes which I describe as dark are nothing else but depressing, what is the entertainment value. What do people get out of watching them. They are so negative. Even if you do not have OCD and are not subjected to the torment of intrusive images or you are not a sufferer of depression or you are less sensitive, what do you gain from such programmes?  How is there any entertainment value. Is it interesting to you, fascinating or what? I fail to see anything of any value, anything to in anyway enhance your life or make you feel better. Isn't there enough real suffering and misery in the world without watching it on TV in this factious yet realistic guise, Don't you get sick of violence and suffering in the world as it is, I know I do. 

Today evil spirits are seen as negativity which floats around the Earth in large quantities.
Scott Cunningham.

September 7th

Concerning the autism and OCD connection which I have discussed here on my blog and website now for months. I have recently received some interesting information which confirms my supposition that there is a connection between OCD and milder forms of autism such as high functioning autism HFA and Asperger syndrome AS. Those of you who regularly read my blog will know that in the last year or so I have given serious consideration that in addition to OCD I may have AS or be somewhere on the autism spectrum or at the very least have autistic traits. Up until recently I have not been able to find much information to either confirm or refute this possibility and with a less than positive attitude on behalf of some mental health professions that I have shared my idea with I have begun to feel that this idea was simply a notion which had no bases in reality and perhaps it was some kind of obsessive thinking, a bee in my bonnet as my mother used to say.

After writing two articles concerning why I think that I may have AS, and after over a year obsessing about the appropriateness of including them here on my website, I decided to make enquires with a researcher currently conducting research into OCD to ask for an opinion as to whether or not the characteristics I described in these articles where indicative of AS and if my idea that there was a connection between OCD and autism was valid, and if it was possible for OCD and AS or other autism spectrum disorder ASD to coexist in the same individual. Yes I do realise that OCD can present in a person with autism but as a secondary condition, as traits or if the symptoms where severe as a separate diagnosis to autism, but with autism being the primary condition. What I am saying here is that I believe that autism can exist with OCD in a milder form but as a secondary condition whilst OCD is the primary condition. Or even a dual diagnosis of OCD and and an ASD. I know it sounds like hair splitting but with conditions such as autism and OCD these considerations need to be precise.

Also I think there is a more significantly complex connection and not simply that these conditions coexist in one way or another in the same individual. For instance autism and OCD often present in the same families, for example a child with autism, and of course adults, will have a person with OCD as a first degree relative, a parent, sibling or offspring ( I think that there is so much emphasis on childhood autism that in general people may be led to believe that the condition does not exist in adulthood... if only ...children grow up don’t they...).

I quite expected my request and my ideas to be dismissed however quite the contrary happened as within twenty four hours I received a reply confirming that my conjecture concerning the possible connection between OCD and Autism was indeed a valid consideration and yes indeed it was quite possible for the two conditions to exist co morbidly. The researcher told me that AS and OCD can and indeed often do coexist in the same individual and that this is widely accepted.

I was particularly surprised that not only is it widely accepted that these condtions coexist but that they in fact often do so. This confirmed my assumptions about the frequency of this occurrence, as after many associations with fellow OCD sufferers both on-line and in real-time who exhibited at least significant traits of autism I suspected as much. However it was nice to have my ideas confirmed as a real possibility.

The same researcher also said that the symptoms I indicated in the shorter version of the two articles which he read may be indicative that I may have AS although for a formal diagnosis and a definite confirmation I would need an assessment by an experienced clinician. Nonetheless his opinion has helped me to validate my assumptions and despite the less than positive prognosis associated with the co morbidity of OCD and AS I felt enormous relief. I think it is vital to know precisely the conditions from which one sufferers as of course each condition effects the other or others as all co morbid conditions interact and produce additional complications and complexities. 

The researcher cited the article, An Autistic Dimension: A Proposed subtype of OCD by by Suzanne Bejerot which can be obtained here :

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder - Studies from Karolinska Institute yield new ... 
 

In addition to the above source you may also obtain a copy from the National Autistic Society NAS,  here is the link.

The National Autistic Society - Autism Data article

According to the information provided on the page linked above

you will need to enquire at the NAS information centre, link below.

The National Autistic Society - NAS Information Centre

How to order is rather vague so I made enquires.

To order you will need to send an e-mail explaining your requirement to info@nas.org.uk quoting the reference details included in the first link and you will receive a reply with an attached photocopy declaration which you are required to complete and return with a payment of £3

Complicated I know.

This article confirms for me my notion that there is indeed a connection between OCD and some types of Autism. I quote from the opening paragraph:

 
“ This article focuses on the possibility that autism spectrum disorder (ASD: Asperger syndrome, autism and atypical autism) in its milder forms may be clinically important among a substantial proportion of patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and discusses OCD subtypes based on this proposition. The hypothesis derives from extensive clinical experience of OCD and ASD, and literature searches on MEDLINE. Neuropsychological deficits are more common in OCD than in panic disorder and depression. Moreover, obsessive-compulsive and schizotypal personality disorders are over-represented in OCD. These may constitute mis-perceived clinical manifestations of ASD. Furthermore, repetitive behaviours and hoarding are common in Asperger syndrome.
 

It appears that for OCD ,there are clearly recognised subtypes and that each set of subtypes has its own distinctive presentations of OCD. However there is at present no consensus concerning the definition, categorisation or validation of these subtypes. For example one of the more obvious and recognised subtypes is OCD with tic disorder. This type of OCD is very distinct. OCD with tics presents mainly with the following OCD symptoms : symmetry, ordering touch rubbing counting and hoarding.

It is important that these subtypes are taken into consideration as different treatment may be required. For instance there is a type of OCD where a patient has no insight. The result here is obvious that therapy for such a patient will be less successful due to lack of motivation. OCD and tics is obviously a distinct form of OCD.

The article referred to above proposes the existence of a possible sub type of OCD which presents comorbidly with an ASD or significant traits of autism. The paper also cites a genetic study connecting treatment resistant OCD with AS and other forms of Autism as comorbid (coexisting) condtions:

"It is suggested that the comorbidity results in a more severe and treatment resistant form of OCD. OCD with comorbid ASD should be recognized as a valid OCD subtype, analogous to OCD with comorbid tics. An odd personality, with paranoid, schizotypal,avoidant or obsessive-compulsive traits, may indicate these autistic dimensions in OCD patients."
 

Now I am not a mental health professional, the above is my very basic interpretation and summary of a very complex article and therefore my interpretations may not be accurate.  If you are seriously interested and feel this relates to you, you are advised if at all possible to read the article which sadly it appears will require a fee. However if your interest is less keen it is only a short article of consisting of six pages of actual information, which you may feel is rather expensive.

I found the article informative as of course this effects me personally. Reading this article has helped to validate something that I have been considering for a long time. it is not an easy read, it is an article meant for professionals.

Basically according to my understanding the article discusses the possibilty that there exists a subtype of OCD which presents with a coexisting ASD or significant autistic traits. OCD comorbid/coexisting with an ASD is often more severe and intractable. Different treatment approaches may be necessary.

It is of course better to read the article as my explanation may not be entirely accurate.
 

September 9th

I have had a really difficult time with updating my blog. Mainly due to feeling so ill, tired and weary as a result of my fibromyalgia symptoms which include a dramatic increase in aches and pains which become worse with any exertion even too much typing. Although I suspect that anxiety and frustration because of the difficulties which present with typing and writing as a result of my inabilities in this area and my OCD checking and ruminating compulsions. Moreover anxiety about the previous entry has caused delays as I am not sure about how easily obtainable this article is and how well or otherwise I have interpreted it in my brief summary. It was a very enlightening article which has validated so many of my considerations concerning OCD and autism that I am keen to share this with you and feel very frustrated about the complexities of obtaining this article.

I think that for those of us who have an ASD in addtion to OCD the prognosis is less favourable, nevertheless if we do not recognise this possibilty we can waste time with treatments that are not effective, became depressed because we do not understand why for us treatments that help others seem less successful. Moreover we can feel guilty, inadequate and a failure unless we understand that perhaps there are other factors involved such as an ASD which may be the reason why our OCD is more severe, less easy to treat. I do not believe that anyone is untreatable and I think that with the right therapy we can learn to live better lives, to be more functional and able to cope with our symptoms even it we cannot be cured. In all honesty I think that no one with full blown OCD can be entirely cured inasmuch that he will never have an OCD thought or behaviour ever again. But there are degrees of success and an understanding of the nature of the different types of OCD are important to recognise in order to provide the best and most appropriate therapy. I am going to discuss this in more dept in the future and I am in the process of preparing an article on the importance of recognising co morbid conditions and the different subtypes of OCD.

September 10th

In the forthcoming October edition of Details magazine there is an excellent article about OCD. The article focuses on both the  Obsessive Compulsive Foundation's annual conference and the disorder itself, with anecdotes from sufferers and explanation of current treatment.

Well worth getting a copy if available, not sure if its published outside the USA.

Here is a link to the article on-line

This Story Has Been Rewritten 43 Times: DETAILS Article on men.style.com

September 11th

Well to date I have not uploaded to my blog any of the above September entries. I have read them again and again, checked and rechecked added extras to clarify, deleted material that I fear might be harmful or misunderstood or which I have had some anxiety or other concerning. Of course if you are now reading this I have somehow managed to click that publish button, but it has been a nightmare of doubt, anxiety, frustration and exhaustion. I feel so depressed by this problem which is becoming increasingly more severe. This evening when the rest of my family are again watching one of those grim pathology TV dramas whilst trying to record another even more gruesome rendition which I have talked about earlier I really did not feel as though I wanted  to come up here to work on my computer, which I usually do to avoid being in the same room whilst these programmes are showing. I just could not face coming here and checking again. I had thought to upload these entries this evening but will have to now wait until tomorrow as there is not really the time... well to be honest yet again I simply can't face it unsure still about these entries which if I check them any more I will soon be able to recite them from memory.

Unless you have OCD you have no idea what it is like, how inhibiting it is, incapacitating to the extreme. I have much I wish to write and discuss but this is hampered and delayed as a result of this checking compulsion. There is incidentally an account of a journalist in the above Details magazine article with this same problem who had to give up his job for a while as a result of checking and his perfectionism.

I really have to get past this somehow but quite how I do so I don't know. There is little to validate my concerns although of course anyone can do harm in the sense of saying the wrong thing and causing offence but to really cause real significant harm by anything I write is unlikely and I know this on some level. In any case it is the more subtitle harm such as the first entry about the forums. I am a member of so many forums it would be impossible for anyone to identify themselves but I have obsessed and worried and have the strong compulsion to delete the entire entry. Which I have not written in order to gossip but simply to describe the nature of my social ineptitude which is difficult to do in any real sense without referring to other people and to social situations.

I was hoping to sign up for another blog separate from this website in addition to this blog where I hope discuss a verity of issues about which I have strong feelings and which I am reluctant to discuss here too often because of the fear of making this website too negative, as my intention for creating this website was to add some positivity to offset the negativity which is naturally an ever present fact for sufferers of the disorders featured on this website. But other than the introduction I cannot write one entry, feel anxious to do so because of all the checking and obsessing. What to do... I have no idea. The problem with checking for errors is valid to some extent as I make many errors. This  I believe is due to ADD , this has become worse and now not only do I miss out words or not notice that the spell checker has put in a word that I had not intended and I fail to notice but now I am missing out whole phrases. These mistake validate my compulsion to check.

Well writing all this is hardly going to help as I might end up adding another few days to the already significant delay as I check all the above umpteen thousand times.... What a life...

September12th

Well today I hope now to take the plunge and upload the above entries. Odd how the last one was checked only three times. I probably will check it again a few times though after publication as I do from time to time to correct mistakes which have slipped through the net. I guess I have got to the stage where I am exhausted and just want to upload and try to forget about it until next time. Sad that in the end rather than determination it is only exhaustion that finally allows me to click the publish button.
 

September 14th

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.
John Muir

Well we did not climb any mountains although we ascended one as we made our way along the narrow winding and very precarious road, the Hard knot pass in the Lake District.
 

View from Hard Knot pass

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It is rather scary but with care it is unlikely to present serious hazards but of course that could be said for driving anywhere could it not, but with care few people would come to harm on this very narrow single track road.

Today was one of those extremely rare days when I am not forever looking for a toilet or anxious about a tension headace and if it is about to become a migraine or I am overly tired and
unmotivated inhibited my aches and pains, although of course these aches and pains never go away, some days are easier. Easier but sadly never easy. These days are though the exception but I have to make the best of them, we even went for a short walk near the ruins of an old Roman Fort situated along the hard knot pass which a short distance away has a splendid view over the valley. Some of the most spectacular scenery can be viewed along this pass and it is well worth the effort and any trepidation those of us of a nervous disposition may feel.

Down in the valley is a field of about three hundred sheep, the cute little Herwick sheep only found in the Lake district.
 

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We had passed other sheep on the ascent of the pass, the cutest little brown sheep which are also I believe Herdwick sheep.
 

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We stopped at a pub as we arrived in the valley for coffee and a snack. There was local mutton on the menu, it amazes me how people can see these adorable creatures than go and sit down to a pub meal a few miles distant and eat mutton. It was one of those sad moments of the day as despite the beauty of nature and the adorable sheep, which harm no one and are an utter delight, is the reality of their ultimate fate which is never far from my thoughts.

A ride through more superb scenery, most probably among the best in the country, past Lake Lowes water and Derwent water we stop off now and again to admire the views, at least where we are able.

Loweswater

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Often there are few stopping places except along the mountain passes. At the stopping places, if there are any, there is often a car  park fee of over £1 an hour, it is very expensive if one was to go hiking for the day. But I will save that complaint for another time perhaps, suffice it to say that these days there is a charge to do anything and such charges are unreasonable and it is getting increasing more expensive to even go for a day out in to the country.

But I don't wish to get too bogged down in negativity today as this day with one or two exceptions was one of the best days out I have had this summer.  It is a fact that one does feel better in such places, whether it is the spectacular beauty or the elevation it is hard to tell. If you can reach the summit of a hill or mountain you may feel a lift in your mood, if you are fit by climbing or for me now less fit by car, although the summit of course is not accessible by road but certainly you can reach some high places affording splendid views. When I was younger my husband, son and I climbed several of these mountains here into the lake district and other parts of the UK including Snowdon in Wales. I do long to be able to do so now but sometimes you have to accept your limitations  and enjoy whatever you are able and being out in the fresh air, out in nature is a tonic even for a long suffering ole misery such as myself.

September 15th

My neck aches something awful today, the problem I have with my neck seems always to present itself on Saturdays the day when I am able to concentrate on working on my website. At least the more severe manifestation of this chronic problem. Usually when this happens I pace myself, take it easy, but today I am so fed up with the continual perversity of life that I am just going to throw caution to the wind and continue and work through the pain and see what happens. My life is so restricted day after day with one or another of the conditions from which I suffer, it is becoming an increasing misery and a frustration of continual struggle with so many obstacles and hindrances . There is never a good day, if it is not one thing than it is another. You know you get little or no understanding from anyone... empathy... well this is a misconception, no one has any empathy for something they have never experienced, so it is perhaps unreasonable to expect any but just now and again a of word of sympathy wouldn't come a miss.

There is supposedly four percent of the population have CDH ( chronic daily headache) yet I have met but one other. One can feel so alone . I am told that CDH is all the result of anxiety and depression. I don't agree I think a more accurate diagnosis is Fibromyalgia but like the AS that diagnosis it seems is elusive. I guess unlike the AS I have had a diagnosis of sorts, a few blood tests which have ruled out other condtions.  And thereafter the doctor simply said the symptoms are caused by anxiety. Yes apparently anxiety and depression can cause a number of similar symptoms such as headaches and aches and pains.
Aches and pains linked to depression, anxiety

However my symptoms are far more numerous and are as follows:

It is my opinion that some of the above symptoms may be far better diagnosed as Fibromyalgia, although my level of pain is perhaps not as severe as that  described in the following website .

UKFibromyalgia

Just my opinion of course I feel strongly about this but I am not as arrogant to consider that I am right. I am not a doctor . I recognise it is not easy for doctors to come to a decision about this sort of condtion, which cannot be diagnosed by blood tests and other diagnostic means except by the elimination of other serious conditions. So the doctor has to make a decision and like everyone else in such matters he or she have the right to his or her opinion. I either accept it and diagnose myself or go elsewhere and really I am very satisfied with my doctor and the others I have consulted at this practice. So for the time being I have to let this go. But who knows things may change, there may eventually be more conclusive tests to ascertain Fibromyalgia and its related condtion CFS/ME.

I am depressed though by this as I am about the AS assessment. But quite frankly if I am not depressed over one issue than it is another. I can't see a way out of depression.

Does it matter ... ? Yes it matters to me. I know there is no cure for fibromyalgia, antidepressants are prescribed for pain so some would think it doesn't not matter what name you give it. But similar to the reasons I give why it matters that I have an accurate diagnosis for AS , it is important to have a diagnosis for this assortment of complaints.

September 16th

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.
Anne Lamott

Today while sizing my husband’s photos for inclusion on this website, hopefully later this month or in October if I can stop obsessing about them, I noticed that the beautiful red rose photograph below was marred by the fact that the roses had black spot, a common disease in roses as well as other garden plants. I hesitated thinking that this somehow blighted the picture and I considered removing it from the collection. But on reflection the roses are so stunning that really the black spot did not matter for it really did very little to detract from the splendour of these flowers. The photo also looked a little blurry. Than the thought came to me that there is little in existence either in the creations of nature or of man, and that includes myself, that is perfect. This photo so clearly demonstrates that something does not have to be perfect in order to be beautiful, that imperfection and beauty can sit side my side.

Perfectionism is a tendency in people with OCD and related conditions that can become a creativity stifling problem. For many people, in extreme cases, it can become so inhibiting as to impede creativity altogether. Often I become anxious about picking up a paintbrush to paint or to come and sit here and write because of the fear that I will fail and that there will be some imperfection that will result in considerable torment for me as it will cause me to obsess until or if such imperfection is rectified. Sometimes this never happens, in fact it never happens because perfection is impossible, but sadly the perfectionists can never accept this and often I complete a piece of writing or a painting putting my brush down or clicking the publish button respectively, not with any sense of satisfaction but simply as a result of exhaustion and depression.

In fact often the more I strive for perfection the less I am likely to achieve it. Since my obsession with getting it just right introduced itself concerning my website the quality of my writing has in fact deteriorated as the more I check and check, rewrite, edit, obsess over and over the more it is distanced from the original spontaneity of my first rendition, and as a consequence finally when I can stand it no more the finished piece is probably less perfect than the original, which in reality perhaps needed just a couple of checks before finalising and publishing .

The same is true of a painting, an overworked painting is never as pleasing as it was in the first instance and the overworked painting is in fact something that is always mentioned in art classes as something to avoid. There is a point when you know your painting is finished, it might not be perfect ... well it most likely won’t be, but if you continue past this point of completion you tend to ruin the freshness and spontaneity in the same way as you can do with the continuous editing of any piece of writing. I am reaching that point here and now, when perfectionism, and of course OCD, will if I am not careful, easily spoil this piece of writing.

I can’t tell you which website it was, I only wish I could but there was a commentary on a website about a collection of paintings which the person who was writing the commentary said where less than perfect, and although the figures in the paintings where not anatomically correct the paintings where nonetheless very aesthetic and pleasing works of art. I wish I could recall the website for the exact quotation as this comment has helped me concerning my artwork. Now when obsessing about perspective and other technicalities I try to recall this comment and look at the painting from an aesthetic viewpoint, rather than fussing over perspective and other issues. Yes I am still never satisfied, nonetheless thinking about this comment has helped somewhat towards accepting some of my artwork with more sense of satisfaction notwithstanding some imperfection.

So I am too publish this picture of these beautiful roses black spots aside taken in the gardens of  Sledmere House
Sledmere House Yorkshire

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September 17th
 

There is an article in the Times which may be of interest to anyone with Aspergers Syndrome and anorexia nervosa.

It is now thought that brain mechanisms are the underlying cause of anorexia nervosa rather then the whims of fashion or an awkward adolescent phase. And that these mechanisms are genetic. It has also been postulated that anorexia nervosa may be a female form of Aspergers syndrome

To read the complete article click the link below.

Is anorexia the female Asperger’s? - Times Online

Also read the comments section

I think as you may have realised unless you are here for the first time that there is a connection between OCD, ASD and anorexia nervosa although the last condtion I have been hesitant to express such an opinion as I really do not suffer from this disorder personally, although there was a time when I became on the verge of becoming like my sister, anorexic.

It is my opinion that if you suffer from OCD you are more likely to become effected by an eating discover, or have a close relative with an eating disorder, have AS in addtion to a your OCD or eating disorder or at least have significant traits. Or if you are very unfortunate you may have all of these conditions or a primary condtion with the others existing as secondary condtions. Such as for example I have OCD as my primary condtion and have significant traits most likely enough for a formal diagnosis of AS as a secondary condition or even as a dual diagnosis. A complicated mix of dysfunction leading to a very difficult life.

I consider that there is a connection between all these conditions. Perhaps which condition you have or which is primary, secondary or merely traits may depend upon how these genes manifest in each individual. But these condtions are there in most families with one or more of these disorders presenting to some degree and I think that most of us have at least two existing as a primary and secondary conditions, as a duel diagnosis or as significant traits.

Note one of the comments from a person who has had anorexia nervosa, has a father who has Aspergers and an older brother with OCD.

Also read the comments from a perosn who again has had an eating disorder, a son with AS and who also, it seems recognises that there is a link.

"It is interesting to read this article as I had an eating disorder many years ago and this link may help me understand why my son aged 6 has aspergers, as this is a genetic condition and was passed onto him, and from the research it may have been passed on from me to him. I do feel not enough help is out there as people don't believe in this link. so it is nice to see that people are begining to take notice"

I echo the comments of both of these people. There is a connection between these conditions and finally it is being realised.

I have OCD and most likely AS but as you have read can't get an assessment to ascertain AS, my son has a formal diagnosis of AS and traits of OCD, it is highly likely my mother had AS and my late sister had anorexia nervosa and she most likely would have qualified for a diagnosis of AS.

The case of my sister also highlights the fact that anorexia nervosa is not confined to teenage girls from well educated middle class backgrounds. My sister and I  are working class, our families where poor, are education was basic, both of us leaving school at fifteen. Moreover my sister did not develop anorexia nervosa until her late twenties from which she never recovered.  Lynda displayed symptoms of AS in her social ineptness, her shyness, her inability to socialise. Particualry marked was her often outspokenness, she seemed unable in many instances not to say exactly what she thought, even about personal or private matters. Also marked was her perfectionism and her tendency towards intense interests which where often but not always of an obscure nature. The last of these was her patchwork the perfectionism involved in this and her intense preoccupation, I, in retrospect, consider may be due to at least the presence of significant autistic traits. Sensory overload and sensitivity also presented, noise being the most significant.

I think the more we understand the interrelated nature of these conditions the better the medical profession will be able to treat them. You cannot treat any condition in isolation.

Well it seems that today I have finally to resign myself to the fact that I will not be able to obtain a formal diagnosis for AS. My doctor made enquires at a hospital in the area which until recently carried out assessments for adults to ascertain an ASD. Unfortunately the psychiatrist had since gone to practice elsewhere and has not the time for what is I assume the long process of an assessment. The only other option which was recommended by the psychiatrist is a private assessment centre which although is a registered charity charges £1,500. The assessment my doctor was informed would take a day which was cited to justify this rather high cost. Ummm how many people earn that kind of money for a days work, not many I would imagine. Although of course more than one person may be involved. Nonetheless it seems rather exorbitant for a series of tests most of which are carried out as questionnaires and which are available on the internet. Aren't charities supposed to be set up for humane purposes, nothing very humane about such a high charge. Perhaps health care would not be so costly if practitioners did not demand such high fees. Certainly a GP or a surgeon deserves a good wage but quite honestly when it comes down to these less demanding tasks in health care such as this type of assessment high fees are perhaps not so well deserved.

I told my doctor that I would not even contemplate requesting a referral by the NHS that required such a fee even in the unlikelihood that such a request was granted, I simply would feel awkward. The request would most likely have to go before a Primary Care committee, the likelihood of it being accepted is virtually zero. It seems to me now an impossible task to get medical professionals to understand that there are many people who need a formal diagnosis in order for them to understand the conditions from which they suffer, to be in a position to conduct their own research into the condition, find others who suffer with the same condition and to get services and join support groups. I certainly am not in a position to pay the fee myself and even if I was I would not do so as I consider the cost outrageous.

So for now there is no way that I am likely to ever have an official confirmation. The article and e-mail from the researcher mentioned in an earlier entry has added weight to my consideration that it is indeed quite likely to have OCD and AS as coexisting conditions or at least significant autistic traits. Knowing this has helped to validate my assumptions and has helped me to understand why my OCD is severe and seemingly intractable.

From now on regardless of a formal diagnosis for AS I will consider myself as a person with a primary diagnosis of OCD - formal assessment and diagnosis for OCD took place the mid 1980s ,- with AS as a secondary co morbid condition. To put it simply until I know otherwise I will assume I have AS either as a secondary or even a duel diagnosis to my OCD. I will continue to try and acquire a formal diagnosis for AS but have now accepted that this is unlikely unless resent circumstances change.

Also during the consultation with my GP I decided as far as mental health is concerned that I have come to the end of the road so to speak . We discussed why I could not cope with CBT, and because of my social interaction difficulties this was difficult to explain and after a lot of incoherent waffling it suddenly came together in one simple sentence: The reason why I can’t cope with CBT is that one has to be reasonably functional to participate. At least to be able to fill in the automatic thought forms and eventually with the guidance from the psychologist to think of more rational ways of thinking and behaving. This requires you to be able to organise your thoughts in order for the process of CBT to be effective, This I can not do. Yes you might think that this would be easy for me, after all I write so much here about my OCD. But this is different in ways not easily defined. In fact this is my whole point, oftentimes there are many thoughts which are not easily explained, or put into so many words either spoken or written, and it can take time for me to organise my thoughts and to focus upon how to express them. Writing does not come easily at all, it is indeed a difficult task to sit here and try to explain what is going on in my mind, than articulate my thoughts in order to coherently express them. With CBT one is required to record every thought that is of a negative nature, that results in feelings of anxiety, stress and or depression. This is not easy for me for I can’t always articulate them in such a way as they occur in such rapid succession. Moreover I cannot be concise.

Such a task would simply be generating more anxiety and more thoughts which I would never be able to express. Yes may be the psychologist needed only a sample but I got the idea that every thought needed to be recoded in this manner, and even if this was not the case I would still feel overwhelmed as indecision and my inability to edit the thoughts to decide which new thoughts should be included and which had already been mentioned, which thoughts were of a similar nature and so on. I did try for three weeks and indeed there were several charts of automatic thoughts but these did not reflect my real torment, as the torment had began to be centred on the task at hand which was trying to record these thoughts.  Moreover also mostly the thoughts which were older and which I was more used to expressing were recorded, the simpler more easily explained ones. Like the thoughts that precipitated the regular hand washing rituals for instance. But even here there is difficulty and oftentimes great complexity.

Here I must point out that after a while, except in new circumstances, many of the thoughts are now automatic and it would take a while to recall and clearly express the original precipitating thoughts in so many words. For instance the thoughts that compel me to wash my hands after opening the blinds. This compulsion has been with me a number of years, it is one of many, too many to account for one by one or to clearly articulate the precise thought. Concerning this compulsion the thought behind it arises from fear of a drop of water from the radiator, the fear here is legionnaires disease, which the cord for controlling the opening and closing of the blind is near. At one time the radiators where removed with a water  spillage, a big panic in itself but since than I have now to wash my hands when in contact with the blinds, the cord ,the curtains and most certainly the radiators. However all this complex thinking does not occur each time I carry out this compulsion, there is just the compulsion and if it is not carried out there is anxiety fear and dread . There are so many instances of these types of entrenched thoughts which never actually present now in so many words that trying to write each of these would be impossible. Besides many of my thoughts are entwined, commingled, for instance religious OCD and contamination OCD often go hand in hand, expressing these in such a way would be nightmare of anxiety and in the limited time available, far to stressful for me to consider.

My OCD is now so complicated that I cannot divided and separate the different thoughts that entwine each other. Often two or more types of OCD coalesce to form a very complex web of obsessions and compulsions, thoughts and behaviours not easily expressed in a simple sentence or two. For instance religious, superstitious and contamination OCD often mingle and it is not easy to separate these thoughts or their resulting compulsions.

Here is an example of the most common type of this kind of thought. I need to change my cloths, (a contamination thought) and take yet another shower, it might be the third or even the forth today. I am tired and weary and really don’t want to take off my cloths, find clean ones, a difficult feat at the best of times involving in itself many thoughts and compulsions. I am really tempted to forgo this but there is fear that I will spread contamination and cause harm and also there is the fear of the fear. I am afraid of the feelings of anxiety, dread, and even fear that will arise if I ignore this compulsion. I also fear spreading contamination to other parts of my home because thereafter they will become no-go areas or become in themselves reasons to wash and shower when in contact with them. So there is fear of increasing the problem if I forgo the shower and change of cloths. But than the thought comes, an even more powerful thought that something bad might happen to someone I care about, a kind of divine intervention, in a karmic comeuppance way (a religious superstitious thought) if I don‘t shower and change my cloths, such as a person I care about my come to harm. This further compounds my fear. But I am exhausted so to try to avoid showering I may make a vow as described in my memoir and
My Story not to shower ( a religious compulsion) . I vow not to take a shower, some times this thought is unbidden, involuntary; sometimes however I do this to try and over write the previous compulsion, in this case to shower. I hate doing this but it all happens in the blinking of an eye. Thoughts arise before I can prevent them or think them through as of course such thoughts instead of easing the situation make it much worse. I really do not wish to go into huge detail now about these vows as they are the cause of much anxiety... no fear, anxiety is too mild a word sometimes.

Suffice it to say this results in a conflict of OCD thoughts and behaviours which result in even more anxiety and misery than a straight forward obsession or compulsion. There is also guilt for having sworn the vow to try to counteract my contamination compulsion, so I than fear that something bad might happen to a loved one just by having done this for selfish reasons. The conflict now is between fear of contaminating others by not washing and changing my cloths and keeping this ridiculous vow. Ignoring one for the other brings no peace. If I do not wash someone may be harmed or die because of contamination. But if I break the vow, which I have made to overwrite the contamination compulsion,  than as a result I fear harm coming to loved ones because I have broken the vow, even a stranger if the clauses of the vow are directed that way.

I feel I am failing here to explain this, you can read all about this by accessing the links above. The problem is now that I am dammed it I do but conversely dammed if I do not. If I shower now I will break the vow with perceived fearful consequences, remember that this is from an OCD perspective, my OCD perspective which is unique to me. Each person's OCD manifests differently even though it my be basically similar.

Although that type of problem is not as prevalent as it once was or at least the thinking is more automatic there are others now even more complex which are practically impossible to describe in so many words in a concise way suitable for CBT or indeed to describe here now.

So for now CBT is not an option for me.

Now I am concerned here that my experiences described above may put others off CBT. But the idea of this blog is to explain my difficulties to help further an understanding of this condition, and if I did not accurately describe my experiences my purpose in writing this blog would be meaningless. CBT is considered the best treatment option for OCD and it does help a lot of people to cope more effectively with their condition. it is also useful for the treatment of depression which is the result of negative thoughts or view of circumstances. My OCD is very severe it has become entrenched over a very long time, it has been about twenty years since I received any sustained therapy of any kind. Moreover I have AS. In the recent entry above the idea is postulated that there is a subtype of OCD with AS a duel diagnosis and this type of OCD may be more severe.

Now I don’t think that there is anyone without hope and even the more severe cases can improve with the right therapy and support. There are other factors which prevented me from having CBT such as migraine and CDH. It is not easy to talk with a therapist for an hour if you have a headache, are sitting in a room with ether a florescent light or facing a widow with a sunlight in your eyes or you have to ask for the key to the toilet whilst waiting in the waiting room which if you have IBS and need to use the toilet several times is embarrassing and very anxiety provoking.

CBT has helped a lot of sufferers. However it is my opinion that treatment fails because there is lack of support. Once the patient has gained some ability to cope with his or her condition and has made progress such, support as little as there is, is withdrawn. Therapy is also only for a scheduled and limited period of time and thereafter the patient maybe discharged with no follow up support. This has been my experience throughout my life. I do understand that the NHS does not have finite resources but the fact nonetheless remains, in my experience once the patient is left to his or her own devices without any support the condition soon returns and one finds oneself back at square one.

Sometimes OCD is about perspective. Often sufferers, particularly those of long standing, loose perspective . Initially and in relatively mild cases or newly Diagnosed cases sometimes a little normal perspective from another person can make all the difference. I am not talking about enabling or reassurance I am talking about giving the person a normal perspective. I found it so frustrating in times past when a CPN would sit there and do nothing, not even provide a perspective when I related certain scenarios concerning contamination.

Once having made progress it is very difficult for the OCD sufferer to retain this progress. OCD is powerful, the mind is a powerful tormenter when it is under the dictate of OCD, it is so easy to slip back into ones old ways if left to ones own devices.

September 21st

When in doubt, do the courageous things.
Jan Smuts

Well I am about to publish another batch of entries, again another torment of obsessing and checking. Concerning my perfectionism, my intense dislike of not having everything just right, my tendency to make mistakes is of course a dreadful torment.  This tendency could be the result of ADD.  No matter how many times I correct something there are always mistakes, letters missing, whole words, even several words missing and words spelt incorrectly despite the word processor. Sometimes it makes a correction and at the time I perceive this correction to be the word I intended, but than after publishing I may need to check for one reason or anther and there are so many mistakes and words which the spell checker has corrected with entirely the wrong word. One such word might be for instance, aberrant and abhorrent but   sometimes things less obvious .

And sometimes there is the phenomenon of thinking that everything is reasonably to your satiation at the time, but weeks later you look back with horror and wonder how on earth you managed to feel comfortable about publishing this or that.

The mind is a source of continual torment, it will torment you your entire life, turn a pleasure into a misery, a good event into a feared event, satisfaction into dissatisfaction - yes at one time this website was enormously satisfying. There was some OCD checking but but no so much to be of detriment, however it has gone from bad to worse and than some. There are all sorts of things going on with my health that make it an endurance test but I wish to persevere as my life would seem very empty without this distraction. I feel it gives me some  purpose, that at the end of the day something I may have said will help fit together all the pieces of the puzzle. 

September 22nd

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf's a flower. "
Albert Camus

I don't know about a second spring, I don't think we had the first one. We most certainly by-passed summer this year.

Today it is the last day of summer according to the Celtic calendar, tomorrow is the autumn equinox. Naturally the weather is not determined by such considerations for indeed throughout this dreadful summer it has felt more like autumn throughout. It is as though we have not had a summer, after a unseasonably warm... no hot April, during which most people expected a continuation and a long hot summer it has been unseasonably cool and wet. And this went on to become one of the worst summers I can recall in my entire life. For most days the sky was heavy with cloud, with frequent and at times torrential monsoon like rain. In many parts of the UK homes where floored ,many people now live in temporary accommodation and  it will take many months for flood damage to be rectified.

Also of importance to many people who visit this website and blog is the effect this dreary miserable weather has had upon ones mood is not inconsiderable.  From my own experience trying to cope with a difficult life can at times be compounded by depressing miserable gloomy weather. Waking each morning to a cloud leaden sky is disheartening, particular when one wakes each morning very dejected and anxious greeted by depressing and frightening thoughts not to mention the diversity of co existing conditions the most prominent of which is headache.  For many with an anxiety disorder, depression or mental health issue or indeed anyone going through a traumatic time the dullness can make matters more unbearable than would otherwise be the case. Yes I am labouring the point here as for me and many others it is a significant issue and one which determines ones mood . A bright warm and sunny day may not of course rid you of your anxiety or depression but it sure makes you more likely perhaps to cope, except of course during severe traumas and circumstances, but in the main a pleasant summer's day is a boon to ones ability to function. 

I get every nervous over medical appointments for many reasons not only because of the fears of invasive treatment and   hyphochondrical concerns but also due to social interaction, making myself understood. And with sensory overload, headaches and coping with the usual waiting room delays, which are an understandable a part of any medical waiting room experience, such necessities are a nightmare of dysfunction for people such as myself. However such anxiety ridden experiences are enhanced by a dreary wet and cold day. In simple terms you are more able to cope and feel more motivated when the weather is pleasant.

Yes of course one has to accept inclement miserable weather living in the type of climate we have here in the UK, however after the respite of summer the gloom of winter is less awful to bear, at least initially. However with the summer this year it will feel as though we have had no respite and autumn and winter will appear to be more protracted than would otherwise be the case if we had had the summer that was predicted in April.

For many who suffer with seasonal affective disorder SAD this summer has been a difficult time and there has been no respite that suffers of this condtion have come to expect during the summer months and which they rely upon to give them a boost to face the depression of the coming shorter and mostly gloomier days.

An interesting article on this subject can be found in the Independent on-line website

"The summer is traditionally a time of respite for those susceptible to SAD, but mental health experts have warned that with sufferers reporting winter symptoms throughout the season, the effect of the prolonged bad weather will make the winter months even more of a struggle than usual."

To read the rest of the Article click the link below

Winter may herald SAD epidemic for millions - Independent Online

September 25th

I am rather behind with updates to the main website but finally today I am about to click that all important publish button with the usual amount of apprehension, trepidation and doubt. Doubt of course being the precursor of the aforementioned emotions.

This month there are more letters in the  self help section from Annette.  

There is a new publication in the Sufferers Stories section from Gary a suffer of AS and OCD, this is an insightful autobiographic account concerning his childhood experiences. There are also three very interesting e-mails which Gary has given permission for me to include

Website visitors' comments is a new section where I hope to include the comments of people visiting this website. Only with permission of the author of course. So please anyone who writes to me don't worry your comments will not be included without your permission. You will probably in fact be asked a couple of times even after giving your permission initially to ascertain that no mistakes are made. I appreciate your comments so please do not hesitate to write.

Also if anyone wishes to write about their experiences of or indeed anything pertaining to any of the conditions included in  this website your articles will be most welcome. I think that the sharing of experiences with one another is beneficial and supportive. Often sufferers of the conditions included on his website may feel alone and isolated and it can be of help simply to know that they do not suffer alone. Also often it helps others to share our experiences or courses of action which have helped us in the past or the present. It is also of help to exchange information and ideas. Even accounts of our less than positive perspectives can be of help to further increase an understanding of these condtions and how they effect the individual.  Real understanding of these conditions can only come as a result of sufferers sharing their thoughts and perspectives. No matter how many text books a psychologist can read there is nothing more insightful than the perspective of a person who has to endure the problems related to such conditions and indeed as a result of multi- disorders.

September 27th.

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear.
H.P. Lovecraft
 

Today on breakfast TV was a segment about unusual phobias such as the fears of buttons, which I believe is a more complex condition than a specific phobia concerning more common fears such as arachnophobia, fear of spiders, and Ophidiophobia, a fear of snakes. However this is not the point of my comments here today. What shocked me the most was the way this segment was introduced with a picture of a huge tarantula straight on the screen with no warning. There are invariably warnings concerning strobe lightening and flash  photography because of the effects on people with epilepsy and of course rightly so. However it doesn't appear to matter if someone with a severe phobia of a spider is thrown into a panic by this unexpected presentation which appeared long before any commentary of any kind. And even if there had been some introductory comments it would not occur to anyone that he or she would suddenly be confronted with an image of a spider as you can't imagine that there could be such insensitivity. After all when phobic societies explain phobias on the net or in leaflets and so on they do not do so by displaying images of one of the most common of phobias.

Yes I know that there could of course in theory be a long, no infinite list of such considerations and such would be an absurdity, however with common place phobias I think that people should be forewarned that they are about to see a huge photograph of a spider, a snake or rodent, to name just three of the more common phobias . After all what was the point, are we incapable now of simply listening to commentary without the necessity of visual imagines plastered everywhere

Moreover during the entire interview with someone, not sure if she was a suffer or specialist as I was too occupied by my tirade of angry comments aimed the producers of this TV program, there where two prominently displayed photographs of a spider and a snake.

I thought this was grossly insensitive particualry considering the subject of this segment. I do not believe that people in general have empathy for fears or emotions that they themselves have no experience, however this I think was shocking insensitivity and this is in fact a fine example of the  lack of understanding there is in general by society for people who suffer with these and other phobias.

Fear of spider and snakes are not to be lightly dismissed. My mother feared snakes looking at a picture of one induced fear. The apprehension concerning the possibility of such an encounter in  the countryside was significant despite the fact that snakes are seen relatively rarely in the UK. Spiders are of course something a number of people feel uncomfortable about and have a aversion to. However full blown Arachaphobia can be a very disabling  condtion as of course a spider may present itself virtually anywhere. I recall in the 1960s an article which both shocked and saddened me about a man who lived alone who one day left his home and shot himself. He lived in a thatched cottage, the kind of chocolate box cottage, the idyll we all envision of country life. Yet his home was anything but idyllic infested with spiders, as thatched roofs tend to be, he could cope no longer and took his own life. Fear,  phobic fear can become that intense for some that in the intense throes of such fear death may appear to be the only way out.  Fear can overshadow our lives so much so that more rational courses of action, such as in this case moving, are not considered and in any case unless one is of a certain financial position moving may be impossible or even delayed and the person than feels trapped by what he may perceive as inexorable circumstances with which he can cope no longer.

To suddenly be confronted with the source of your fears in such an unexpected way can effect the rest of your day or even weeks or months ahead. As I have said I appreciate that not everyone's fears can be accommodated but surely it is not asking too much that some consideration for the sensitivities of people with these more obvious phobias should be taken into consideration.

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