The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

September 2005

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The two main hazards of psychoanalysis: that it might fail, and that if it succeeds, you'll never be able to forgive yourself for all those wasted years.
Mignon McLaughlin

This afternoon I cry, I just can't help it. I am sitting in our yard trying to enjoy the last remnants of summer - if enjoy is a word I can really use with any real meaning. I should perhaps say I am trying to enjoy or at least appear to be enjoying the last of summer. I cry that I am aging; that my life has passed me by; I cry that I am so ill that I cannot enjoy what remains of my life because of my OCD and all the other illnesses; I cry for I fear the misery which will inevitably be part of my future and I cry for the loss of my life and my inability now to do anything about it. I cry for the seemingly hopeless situation of my son. I know I should not cry as such will bring back a headache or another migraine. Mostly I struggle to resist the urge to cry but today I cannot.

I am now ashamed to admit to my crying and all my complaining here. The recent suffering of thousands in New Orleans and the tragedy in Iraq when a thousand pilgrims died and the continuing suffering of millions starving in Africa makes me so ashamed to be so into my own pain. The misery of suffering in the world compared to mine is overwhelming and I should get some perspective but no the suffering of others compounds my own and I feel so guilty. Yet in addition to my own misery I feel so overwhelmed with the suffering of the world and as I write now I have to fight off more tears yet again as I cannot easily dismiss the awareness I have concerning the suffering of all beings. Life is so full of suffering and I wonder how on earth anyone one copes with such unimaginable circumstances that occur on a daily basis. My heart goes out to all creatures who suffer. My own suffering seems great, yet in comparison to the suffering that fills the world right now it is nothing. I am greatly affected by universal suffering and it is one of the reasons that I am chronically depressed. How can I not be depressed, how can one be happy really and truly happy when others suffer?

September 5th

Another migraine greets me in this morning as soon as I woke - well no actually that is not quite correct. I had it in my dream, in my dream I had a severe headache and like reality I was attempting to ascertain if it was a migraine. The context and the images of my dreams have faded except for the knowledge that I had a severe headache and yes in my dream the pain was real just like migraine in waking life. I do not know if this happens to other people I imagine that it must do. It is sickeningly depressing to face this again the next day but after yesterday’s crying episode I am not at all surprised as often a headache or migraine will follow the next day. So crying is one of so many things in my life that I cannot do without suffering dreadful consequences.

I go downstairs to fill the kettle for a hot water bottle. Yes I will wake my husband I know it seems selfish but it is not easy to face so much alone. A note on the worktop left by my son tells me there is a slug in the washing up bowl. It has gone now but where has it been? It is bad enough that it has been in my washing up bowl but it could have been anywhere: on the worktop, the draining board, in the sink on the crockery in fact anywhere! My heart sinks as soon for as my headaches has been alleviated I will find myself in the throes of an OCD panic. I cannot trust either my husband or son to clean the bowl, the crockery that was in it and on the draining board, the work surfaces or sink adequately so I have to do it and right after a migraine. I really am becoming increasing more depressed by my situation.

After the headache had subsided, it was most probably a migraine but the tension headache which accompanied it of course still remains, I have to face the task at hand. I scrub the bowel with scouring cream, scold it with boiling water, wipe it with alcohol (I can’t use disinfectant as I think it might be poisonous and also a hazard to the environment) than I just let the tap run into the bowl so that it overflows with cold water for ten twenty minutes or more. This doesn’t relieve the anxiety much at all and I wipe it out again and scold it again and run the water some more. As always I feel guilty about running so much water despite the copious amounts of rain we have here although not the amounts we once had. I now had to scrub and scold the draining board and sink and all the crockery and cutlery that was drying on the draining rack and crockery which was unwashed. The slug must have found its way into the bowl from somewhere but not knowing the route of the slug I have to wash the entire worktop, scold and wipe down with more alcohol, the kitchen smelled like brewery. I did it in a state of relative calm, perhaps I am resigned to this way of life but feeling sad that just lately I am finding myself regretting more and more the waste of my life as I become more depressed that nothing really is going to change for me now at my age. There seems little left for me to try and it is one thing after another just lately and I do not know what I can do to stem the tide of my OCD. So many obsessions are now so obscure and are complex and difficult for me to explain to you or to anyone else, and without being able to do this I doubt I will ever be free or even relieved of some of the more inhibiting obsessions and compulsions.

Today I have to go out, It could have been an enjoyable trip, the weather again was warm , perhaps rather too warm but nonetheless the kind of weather that should make you appreciate your life but no not when you have OCD.

I know it should have been enjoyable if I was not haunted by the fear of death all the time. Yes maybe I have not made that clear on some occasions here although in my memoir I have - at least I hope so. My OCD is driven and given great momentum for the most part by my fear of death; the fear of it occurring to not only myself but to others, but not only people I love and care about but also strangers and also animals. For instance I worry about germs and have to decontaminate should I inadvertently pass on contagion to someone else, most of my religious scrupulosity concerns superstitious anxieties that doing the wrong thing will cause harm in some way or another to others, even bringing about the death of another. All but a very few of my obsessions and compulsions are carried out because of my fears of causing harm to either a person or an animal. As I have mentioned before my anxieties about throwing away certain items in the bin such as empty bottle of cleaning materials or hair colour is due to concern that animals foraging about in the garbage tip will be harmed by such toxic substances.

Moreover morbid thoughts haunt me. My life reminds me of that awful feeling you can get on Sunday when you do not enjoy this day because the thought of having to return to school or work or some other unpleasant but duty bound obligation preoccupies your thoughts and detracts from your enjoyment. For me this is how my life feels as rather like Sunday I cannot enjoy my life because I know that I am going to die. These thoughts haunt me and not just now and again either as such thoughts haunt everyone. No these thoughts have been there throughout my life over and over again and again throughout the day. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times each hour, each minute that such thoughts return, I have never counted them but I can safely say the fearful thought of death is in one way or another always in the background following on the wake of another thought whilst giving rise to yet another thought. Most actions I undertake are driven by my fears and are the result of such morbid thoughts and ruminations , it is now so common place that I cannot image what my life would be like for without this dreadful companionship of morbid misery. So basically I cannot enjoy my life because of my fear of death. Morbid I know but these thoughts are OCD thoughts, they are unwanted and intrusive and they have took away my life and now as I grow older they are of course becoming more dominant. Today the sun shines but I cannot shake off my fears, or stop worrying about my son, or stop compiling with all my obsessions and compulsions, no not once not ever and not just because the day is warm or its a holiday or its Christmas or because its inconvenient for someone else or whatever. You would be surprised to realise how often people expect you to set aside your problems on certain days, under certain inconvenient circumstances but no sadly this is not the case. No matter what they never leave me alone.

Today my life is just awful and somehow the sunny warm weather accentuates this fact, the fact that I am not like others and I will never will be and I try go about my life as though I am to the best of my ability but inside I enjoy so little. I know I could, I can feel it inside as though deep down underneath all the OCD and all the other misery there is the potential to be happy or least satisfied for some of the time as of course no one’s life is full of happiness. Most people suffer in some way or another even if it is not the twenty four seven torment of OCD.

Today to add to the mix, if not suffering from a migraine and the remains of a tension headache where not enough, my IBS is just awful, this necessitates frequent use of the toilet a real performance of covering the seat with tissue, using tissue to lock the door, to flush the toilet, to open the door. The use of tissue prevents my hand from coming into contact with areas of the toilet cubicle, such as the lock, that I would feel where contaminated, as these areas will have been touched by previous users who will have of course not washed their hands. Furthermore I have some really crazy obsessions and compulsions here of which you might be surprised if you are looking at OCD in a stereotypical fashion. Now when I make “paper nests” (a term I found on a blog made my someone complaining of people with OCD leaving “paper nests” on the toilet seat and not removing them) on the seat to avoid becoming contaminated occasionally a piece of paper falls to the floor. I now panic that I have contaminated the floor with the toilet seat which has been next to the paper. Here is a good example of an OCD chain reaction. The paper contaminated by the seat falls to the floor, the floor is now contaminated even though I pick up the paper and lush it away; another person enters the toilet, walks on this exact spot where the paper fell, the contamination is now on her shoes thereafter everywhere this person walks the contamination is spread. A big and fearful responsibility and I feel I will be punished in some way by something awful happening to some one I care about and furthermore I also worry that the contamination will be
spread .... well practically anywhere and everywhere! This fear is so strong and sometimes a scenario of disaster will present in my mind with a particular person, on particular day, time, circumstance and so on. Sometimes I try to cancel it out by swearing the type of oaths mentioned in my memoir and My story but usually the first fear is worse and is not migrated or cancelled out. What do I do? I lurk about waiting until no one else is in the toilet than using tissue I wash the place were the tissue has fallen the best that I can with a tissue soaked in water. I cannot use soap as you might think as this presents another harmful consequence arsing. I fear, as bizarre as this seems writing it here, that the soap will interact with whatever the cleaner uses to clean the floor, a chemical reaction of some kind with toxic fumes and than someone will be harmed. Crazy? Yes I know it is and when I sit here now writing when I am not affected by it and not in the throes of this particular OCD misery I gain a more rational perspective. Yes it is indeed harmful to mix certain cleaning materials but in the minute amounts here... Just writing that here causes some serious doubts and now once again as I do in such situations the fear comes to me that even mixing in such minute amounts could cause harm even though one of the components is simple liquid soap. I am tempted not to include this idiotic behaviour here for anyone and everyone to read. It's embarrassing !!!!!!!! Yet when I am there and in the grip of such OCD thoughts it all seems too real and I cannot ignore these bizarre thoughts that ignite the compulsions that take away my life and make it a living hell.

I have awful IBS to day and this means I am in and out of the toilet and this silly ritual occurs upon several occasions despite the extreme care that I take not to allow paper to fall on the floor. A similar ritual occurs if I have the notion that I have accidentally contaminated the seat because the paper has slipped off onto the floor or into the toilet. This one is worse I guess as I have to wash the seat in a similar manner as I did the flour and for similar reasons and that of course presents other contamination anxieties. It is bad enough wouldn’t you think to have these contamination fears and having by necessity to need to use public toilets without all these strange compulsions adding their perverse momentum. The more usual contamination concerns are of course present when using a public toilet, the familiar ones such as getting out without touching the main door as I know a lot of people do not bother to wash their hands. And than there is the contaminated tap washing session, which I have mentioned in a previous entry I am sure, where I wash my hands than rinse the tap and wash my hands again; the logic behind that I hope is obvious as this is getting a rather lengthy entry and I do not want to bore you with every infinite detail, particularly when I have already done so.

Today was quite pleasant day notwithstanding the misery of numerous trips to the toilet and the stressful rituals that this entails and other anxieties far too many to mention and now such a part of my life that I could not begin to recall them all if I tried,. We visited Belsay Hall, Castle and Gardens in Northumberland a property belonging to English heritage. This magnificent manor house albeit empty was fascinating to walk round. In some ways it was more interesting to see such a house as this completely empty as it gave you an idea just how huge these places are. I could not help thinking how wonderful to have all that space to put our clutter, silly I know but if you think about it my hoarding and cluttering OCD would not be such a problem with such a huge amount of space – not the answer I know and of course not a possibility either.

The property also consisted of a ruined castle and magnificent and unusual gardens with exotic and rare plants from all over the world. The garden has been planted in an abandoned quarry from which stone had been taken to build the castle. Here are some photos which will give you an idea how pleasant this garden is. It is a real treat to be somewhere where all you can here are the songs of birds and the rustle of the wind.

Click on thumb nail to view larger picture

Belsey Gardens	Belsey Gardens

Belsay Gardens	Belsay Pond

Belsay Castle	Belsay Hall

September 7th

I am so tired today and so angry rather like the character in the film Crash who is angry all the time from the moment she wakes until she goes to bed. Today however my anger is most certainly justified: I have had the total of only two hours of sleep. The factory in our village is now working twenty-four hours each day and even on Sunday morning. Now do not be mistaken, this is not a country village in the idyllic sense of the word with quiet country lanes, thatched cottages, with birds singing along with other peaceful and natural sounds of the country and little traffic that my be conjured up in the mind, particularly by people from elsewhere in the world. No it most certainly is far from idyllic or peaceful. A main A road cuts right thought the village but more importantly there is this factory, it is not a small local business by any means it employs two hundred plus people and it is now making a noise all day, there is no respite and the noise last night was shocking, loud thumping and than the constant dome - well more a whining noise - of machinery throughout the entire night. At night they appear to make more noise than during the day! I can’t say I notice it much in the daytime except if I open a window. I know I am very highly sensitive to noise, both low and high frequency but more particularly low frequency which I can neither get used to nor block out as is the case with high frequency noise in some circumstances such as noise at the cinema or similar - I can go to the cinema on most occasions although recently this has not been easy as either they are turning up the volume or my sensitivity is becoming more acute.

 Moreover concerning the factory I have no recourse to action whatsoever other than complain to the manager, a very pleasant man who has made some considerable effort to stop the low frequency hum emanating from a machine that is operating twenty four seven. Nonetheless he will or can do nothing about the noise which carries on all night. The local authority responsible for environmental noise pollution will do nothing, the sound is apparently within the criteria set by the world health organisation WHO and is considered not to be a health hazard. This rather depends on your perspective, it is most certainly psychologically damaging and it has done much to aid my deterioration since we moved here. I wonder if whoever sets these rules would like to sleep in my bedroom at night. The WHO Criteria concerning noise nuisance is in any case measured in decibels and you cannot measure low frequency noise in decibels. Volume has nothing to do with the torture inflicted by low frequency noise, noise that is emanated as a monotonous sound like one continuous note of music. However at the time of writing the low frequency noise seems to not the problem if once was, if I dare to tempt fate by saying this. In any case it would be drowned out by the noise of night time machinery. Last night I had to sleep on the settee downstairs where the sound is less loud. I am really at my wits end. I lay there tormented by awful OCD intrusive thoughts and such thoughts add their momentum to my inability to sleep.

The only course of action open to me is moving. The thought of moving is unsettling neither I, my son or husband are really up to the enormous task of moving house, a costly and traumatic business where few have any sense of honesty or decency and the law is on the side once again of those who exploit others. Here in the UK you can be right at the point of signing the contract and be gazumped and left paying the legal fees for the legal work completed and thereafter forced to start all over.

I do feel so trapped now by my circumstances and rather wished that we had remained in our old home in the south east. It seems as though since moving nothing has gone right and I sometimes feel as though it never will. It was a thoroughly bad idea and one that was undertaken in a kind of delusional state I can’t really think of a better word to describe it. None of us are really up to such a huge transition as changes in routine, even tiny changes really distress and confuse all of us. Life here is difficult and I still feel so alien and out of place as though this is not my home nor ever will be.

September 8th

Again to day I am so angry, what is the matter with society right now, it is as though there is no understanding for the situation of others. No empathy. This morning we arrive at our local supermarket, which has been undergoing some radical refurbishment or rather more an entire reconstruction to the extent of adding a second story. The merchandise has been moved from one place to another without any warning or indication as to where you might find what you are looking for after it has been moved. No you’re left to wander about aimlessly becoming more and more frustrated. There are few people to ask, it is a huge store and if you go to the wrong place it can take a considerable time to get to the other end of the store. Okay perhaps if you are able bodied it is no big deal but if you are not or you just want to get your shopping over with  as quickly as possible because you are anxious well...This of course happens from time to time even when the shop is not undergoing such drastic changes. For me and many others who find if difficult to cope with shopping for various reasons, such as panic disorder, agoraphobia and for me the inability to cope with things not being the way I expect them, any change in routine it is annoying and stressful and adds to the OCD type problems which present when I am shopping.

I appear so angry nowadays, most times I do my best to subdue it, suppressing it quite well upon most occasions but today my anger wells up inside. It appears to me that no one has any consideration or common sense any more and furthermore I do trust anyone to make sure that the food I buy is fit to eat. Frozen food is a particular area of anxiety. This is more so when I know that it has been moved from one freezer to another or if a freezer has broken down as was the case some weeks ago. I still cannot buy the frozen food from this shop that was moved from a fridge that was broken down and neither am I happy to buy the frozen food today which has been moved to a different location in the store and has been put into a different freezer. I really do not trust the staff not to allow the food to thaw while they wander off somewhere with the typical laid-back attitude which seems to me noticeable of late. Or perhaps it just seems that way to me with my exaggerated OCD perception. I have a dreadful anxiety born of OCD intrusive thinking that food has been refrozen and as a result is potentially fatally hazardous. I do of course recognise that my idea of refrozen is not the same as most others peoples’ ; I get anxious after about ten minutes if I cannot get my food straight into the freezer after removing it from the freezer in the shop so if there are any delays getting it home I dump it too fearful of the possible consequences to use it. I am now at the stage when I would really not use frozen food at all.

A further irritation today to adds to my mounting anxieties and regrettably my anger: The toilets are no longer available downstairs., “New toilets may be accessed upstairs but only by using the lift” the sales assistant tells me as if it is not a problem. “I cannot use the lift and I need to go to the toilet, the whole situation is disgusting and inconsiderate” I reply with obvious anger and walk off vowing never to return to this store. It is of course quite understandable that the fear of people with OCD is generally not widely known, except perhaps for contamination obsessions and compulsion, as the symptoms of OCD are diverse and vary from person to person. It would be unreasonable for me to expect this assistant and whoever is responsible for this unsatisfactory situation to understand that I do not like to use lifts as I fear that I will become trapped, the lift might crash to the ground or it might get stuck and if I get a headaches or migraine I won’t cope . Yes these are among the fears that prevent me from using the lift and in general I would not expect people to really understand such anxieties. However, claustrophobia a fear of confined spaces is a common phobia, a phobia of which most people would be aware - well you would think so wouldn't you. So even if they did not understand or were aware of OCD they should at least be aware of claustrophobia. You would think that most people had some inking, some vague idea that there will be certain customers who will not be able to use the lift and will therefore not be able to access the toilet. Yet this seems not to have occurred to anyone! Amazing! Most people live within there own cocoon of existence seeming totally unaware of the potential difficulties of others. Moreover surely the fact that the only exit from the upper story is by lift is a health and safety violation. Should there be a fire and the location of stairs is unavailable... well the out come is unthinkable. There was of course obviously a stair case – at least I hope so but I did not see one anywhere - but not apparently for use by the general public at least not at this time. Yes the situation may only be temporary - least I hope so, if it is not I will not shop there. I can’t , it’s as simple as that! But even if it is only temporary it is not only inconvenient but could be a major problem for some people and made me quite ill due to my medical problems. I was halfway through my shopping and had to carry on. I did feel rather guilty about losing my temper as it was not the staff member’s fault and perhaps if I had not lost my cool I may have been allowed too use the
stairs , but hey I am only human and do so get fed up with the lack of awareness for the situation that I and so many others are in. The lack of public awareness concerning mental health problems and the impact such has upon the lives of these who suffer from them infuriates me. However perhaps something good might come from my outburst and it will make them think that access by lift only is less than ideal, but sadly somehow I doubt it as there is so much apathy nowadays. I know that we OCD sufferers have this over responsibility thing but it appears to me that most people have gone completely in the other direction thinking that nothing is their responsibility.

September 9th

It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else,
that prevents us from living freely and nobly.
Bertrand Russell

My old office chair sits out in the passage on the landing right outside my bedroom. I cannot use it, the seat slopes to the back and it makes my back ache. Some months ago we bought a new one, the one I am sitting in right now to replace it, yet the old chair is still here. It is of no use whatsoever and was in my bedroom for want of a better place to put it but it takes up space and I want to throw it out, but no it has sat there now for two days just getting in the way. My husband fiddled about with it yesterday trying to fix it. He knows he cannot but he tried anyway reluctant to take it down the dump. He questions why it has been thrown out onto the landing even though he knows of course that we bought another one to replace it way back in June!. Hoarding and cluttering the general all round inability to throw much of anything away except food and packaging and other paper waste such as junk mail and so on is becoming a major problem. It is not only me with my OCD who is finding this an increasing predicament but neither my son nor my husband can throw anything away with any ease. My son seems not to want to throw away empty toiletry containers or toiletries he does not use. His room is really cluttered with all sorts of stuff, books, videos, CDs, ornaments, plants, his artwork and just stuff, stuff and more stuff not easy to define and the living space is becoming gradually reduced. He complains of not having room to do his artwork but cannot get rid of his clutter. The same goes for my husband and I.

What is the concern here about disposing of useless items that causes this
problem ;what is the thinking behind the fear and the anxiety along with that sick empty feeling one gets at the mere thought of disposing of ones stuff? For me personally it is not easy to define in the same way as it is to tell you why I feel the compulsion to wash my hands after touching for instance a door handle. I can tell you that I wash my hands because I fear contamination by germs and if I do not wash my hands I become anxious fearing that I will spread this contamination to others and cause them harm. No it is not easy to tell you why I have this anxiety about throwing things away, things that are of no use, take up space, have no sentimental value and are inhibiting my life more and more. All I can tell you is that it makes me anxious. Yet unlike the above compulsive washing example I could not tell you in so many words the nature of this anxiety. The nearest I can come to define this feeling is to describe it as rather like a feeling of loss, a heaviness of heart, a sinking feeling the kind you get when you have lost something of great value but tinged with an anxiety difficult to clearly define. Yes, a feeling of loss most certainly plays a significant part here and even just the thought of throwing away certain items brings about such feelings.

Giving things names, such as my computers, makes these feelings worse. Since becoming interested in computers, or as my son says since becoming addicted to computers, I have had three, they all have names. The first one nearly nine years old is not really functioning at all now - well the computer itself still works but the monitor is broken but there it sits still on it’s desk in our bedroom taking up space along with its printer which without the computer is also useless as it is incompatible with the newer computers. My second computer has never really functioned that well but it is only three years old and does work with most of the current software and is compatible with most up-to-date peripherals and broad band and so on and most normal people would have sold it to help pay for the new one but no I can’t part with any one of them.

On the top of the landing sits a chest of drawers, it takes up space and makes the place feel cluttered and cramped, which of course it is. Our home is small, three adults live in it, adults who need space because of their hobbies, space that is becoming less available due to all our clutter, This chest of draws is a real pain in... well you know where. Yet I can’t get rid of it, I am simply too anxious merely to dump it. It is mind you a good piece of furniture despite the fact that it came flat packed and this of course makes it even more difficult to throw away. But it is more than that, even though I don’t like it and regret buying it I cannot dispose of it . It is like throwing part of me away, or even a part of someone else. You know writing all this here makes me actually realise it feels as though I would be causing harm as though to a living being. Crazy or what! I am really not sure I should actually leave that last sentence in as I will worry that people will think I am crazy. A chest of drawers, bizarre! More understandable with the computers or with your car, Cars often become items of great affection which many people personify and which they feel sadness when the time arrives to part with it.

I can’t have the chest of drawers in our bedroom, there is simply no room for it due to all the clutter of our collections. Books, soft toys, mostly sheep, plants crystals, and other ornamental nick knacks along with art materials and my artwork. None of my artwork is thrown away, not even the failures or the quick sketches which some times are barely a scribble. No even the ones that have gone damp or discoloured, all are stuffed under the bed. There are four shelves on the wall and a bookcase full of soft toys, books are shoved in the wardrobe so I do not have room for a lot of cloths. There are ten huge sheep and various other critters on the bed and several gremlins from the days when I was obsessed with the film of that name. In fact I have never thrown a stuffed toy away. There are dozens of them in the attic and in cupboards some belonging to my son when he was child. I have the first soft toy we bought him when he was a baby. There are still more stuffed sheep in the sitting room lined along the back of the settee, on chairs, the floor , everywhere.

We all seem to collect things and have phases of different types of collections. This may be the result of what I believe to be our autistic traits. I have said before my son has Asperger syndrome. I believe I may have this also co morbid with my OCD and I also believe my husband to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I mentioned this before in some detail and will write about it at length soon. There are those who believe there is a relationship between OCD and autism and I believe that as a sufferer of OCD you can either have traits of autism or have it co morbid with your OCD as you can anything else. Anyway I digress. Back to my hoarding and cluttering. The sitting room is crammed with more books and evidence of the various collections we have been preoccupied with over the years including enough crystals to start our own geology museum :-) just kidding - well I think so. There are also plants and a general clutter of useless dust collecting ornaments that serve no aesthetic purpose and kind of resemble a bric-a-brac shop. There is nothing of any real monetary value just clutter borne of a compulsion to collect useless items a typical syndrome of OCD hoarding and cluttering. Yesterday we were tempted to buy a ceramic bowel. We do not need it was just pretty it would however not be appreciated lost as it where in a sea of clutter. There are dozens of CDs hardly ever used since my sensitively to noise has become increasingly worse and the constant exposure to music wherever we go nowadays has put me off playing my own music. There are piles of paper in cupboards, receipts, pamphlets, letters and such like. They are never looked at, never needed, still they remain pushed into the cupboards. Even in the vestibule there are all kinds of clutter we seem unable to part with although we no longer use or need it.

There is of course no squalor or dirt and decaying food as you may have seen in recent TV programmes concerning severe case of OCD hoarding and cluttering, because of my contamination OCD all food is removed and my house is OCD clean, it is just cluttered.

September 12th

People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them. 
Epictetus


Usually I refrain, sometimes with considerably difficulty, to make personal comments about world situations, politics and the like or upon matters which may give offence or cause contention. However to day I will break this rule and have a real good moan about taxation here in the UK. I cannot imagine there will be anyone out there who will feel offended or upset by my complaining about the grossly unfair and over-the-top tax system, especially when it comes to patrol and particularly with regard to the present situation concerning a shortage of patrol due to the problems in the USA with hurricane Katrina. Patrol here has just risen to £1 per gallon, it has risen by 20 percent in a short space of time and patrol stations here where quick to reflect this rise almost immediately as if capitalising upon this dreadful tragedy. However such a raise in price would not be quite so marked if it were not for the fact that patrol here in the UK is hugely expensive anyway far far more so than elsewhere and in particular in the USA where compared to the UK patrol is cheap. Here in the UK there is I believe an 80% tax on petrol - correct me by all means if I wrong. Whatever the exact figure, the taxation here is enormous on petrol.

Taxation of course is necessary, a country cannot function without it, although what our country spends it on of course is quite another matter and one that I will not discuss here as such is too controversial. Nonetheless the extremes to which taxation has taken since I first paid tax when I began to work back in the sixties is truly overwhelming and causes hardship and is grossly unfair. In those days I was taxed from my wages, and that was it and so it was for most people except the very wealthy. Furthermore it was a relatively small amount, at least in comparison to that of today and I did not complain although most of my colleagues did. Now we are taxed (value added tax VAT, 17.5 %) on everything that we purchase from stores (except food), mail order, even medical supplies unless you’re disabled. Also included is work undertaken, such as building work, plumbing and the like, solicitors, surveyors, you name it anything where money changes hands you have to pay VAT and more shocking here in the UK you pay VAT for a funeral ! There is also a capital gains tax, not that this effects me, nonetheless without going into very boring detail this tax can be rather over the top. A neighbour some years ago sold a house which she had inherited, as this was her second house she had to pay capital gains tax, an enormous amount of between 20 and 40%. and this was on top of death duties. And if that was not enough there is a road tax, you pay a set amount annually per vehicle according to it's type and of course there is the council tax that each householder pays according to the value of his or her property and I am sure there are many other hidden taxes; it is my understanding that the UK is the most taxed nation in the world.

Any way what as all this got to do with OCD. Well it would be easier to ask, what has any issue in life not got to do with OCD? Virtually nothing in my life. Things such as this effect OCDers as much as it do anyone else in fact more so perhaps. Besides I just needed to complain as do we all do from time to time. Concerning the patrol tax in connection with the current situation, this has quite a profound effect on me not simply due to a very limited income but to the possibility of patrol shortages and being stranded in a rather remote village - at least remote if you cannot travel by public transport because of health issues. Yes there is a main road running right through the village but not much use to you if have no patrol and cannot use the bus! There are no shops except the news agents who sells only the very basics. My GP, dentist, and optician are all at least three miles away. So yes I am stressed, without patrol my life will be drastically changed for the worse. Here in the UK right now there is a possible threat to petrol supplies as the result of demonstrations at oil refineries in an attempt to persuade the government to offset the price increase by reducing the tax on petrol, a futile endeavour I know but something needs to be done and I agree with the protest. However the result of this protest is the fear that there will be a blockade and therefore petrol shortages. There is no blockade planned, just protests, but seemingly people panic rather like those of us with an anxiety disorders and overreact and panic buy petrol and consequently there is a shortage.

But hey am I panicking too soon? Yes of course and today I feel less stressed than yesterday as a more rational perspective takes over or is it that for now the threat has receded after our spate of panic buying and we have a tank of patrol. Not helpful I know but like everyone else I am not keen on being without petrol in an emergency particularly as I am unable to use public transport. Yes I may be taking it all out of proportion and the situation is only temporary but it does give me an idea what my life would be like if there were severe shortages of petrol and yes it has made me feel more insecure. Also sometimes I feel now that there are just so many things that set me off into a state of panicked anxiety, it is getting more and more difficult to find any moment of peace at any time to any where.

Again I feel very ashamed complaining of such an insignificant problem when there are so many much far serious problems which effect the world and the effects of this disaster concerning the rise in price of petrol are of course inconsequential compared to the suffering that has occurred to the people of New Orleans and which occurs on a daily basis all over the world. Here in the UK we can depend on many things and often take them for granted such as  medicine, electricity, and clean water - there will be a water supply of fresh clean water whenever I turn on the tap, I will not have to walk miles each day and carry home water barely fit to drink as is the case in many African countries.

To get perspective concerning petrol and owning a car here in the west, consider that in china only 1 person in 75,000 owns a car. Nonetheless such realisations do little to mitigate such anxieties although it helps to gain some perspective from time to time.

September 14th.

Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful. 
William Morris

People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them. 
George Bernard Shaw


Over the last two or three days we have been decorating the sitting room, an enormous task for me with my OCD for a number of reasons, such as contamination fears concerning paint which of course is a toxic substance. However anxieties over paint are not as severe as they once were although if paint gets on my hands I still have to get as much off as I can, resorting to scrubbing with a Brillo pad! No I can’t use turpentine as that is toxic and the smell on your hands is difficult to get rid of and this of course means that particles of the substance remain. Once you know that smells are caused by particles of the substance in the air your whole attitude to smells of course changes as you feel more exposed to contamination. Nonetheless notwithstanding these problems handling paint is not quite the trauma it once was. But decorating continues to be an endurance test for me with my OCD. The accumulation of clutter which of course all needs moving adds stress and makes the whole endeavour far more exhausting than it would otherwise be and rather spoils the after effect of a newly decorated room, for as soon as the clutter is returned to its place it seems as though nothing much has changed and you hardy notice the new colour paint or the rearranged furniture.

If you recall from a previous entry my husband, son and I all have quite significant difficulty disposing of our possessions and cling to things that are no linger used or really wanted for any reason. Moreover we seem to collect all manner of things to extreme levels seeming not knowing when it is appropriate to stop despite the fact that our living space is drastically reduced and our ability to get on with our lives becomes thwarted overwhelmed as we are with the things we buy, collect and the things we never throw away, which is virtually nothing except waste food and such paper items as junk mail. And sadly we even hang on to paper waste of no particular use for some considerable time, if not indefinitely, such as old letters, receipts and yes I suppose some junk mail in certain instances and other bits of paper such as scribbled reminders and so on . I have a letter from Sussex council it is over five years old now and is of no relevance at all, the issue having been resolved and in any case we now live three hundred miles away! I noticed this letter the other day, although it is of no use it somehow got brought here when we moved along with all our other clutter. Even moving house did not compel us to part with our stuff, it was all simply packed into crates with no sorting whatsoever . We planned to sort out our things when we arrived but this never happened, things just got shoved into cupboards, stacked on shelves, under the bed and so on. Has this letter been thrown away? I have no idea, I do not recall doing so. Silly I know but as I have said before, although sometimes the reason for hanging on to our stuff is obscure even to myself it is nonetheless no easy matter to ignore.

You know I really wish people would stop inundating you with unsolicited advertising, sometime you have no idea what is relevant, what you have requested and what has been forced on you. Sometime it is this anxiety that makes me hang on to even junk mail from time to time even though I know on a more rational level that I have not requested it and it is of no use. Perhaps it is the fear of making a mistake and throwing away some papers that I might need or have requested, such as communications from our bank which in fact did happen on one occasion.

Concerning the petrol anxiety, well nothing much of any thing came of it, the protest was not well supported and there was no disruption to the supply and all that panic - no not just mine but from the public in general - was all for nothing. Odd how at the time your imagination runs riot with a variety of disastrous scenarios that really scare you and which seem all to real posing a threat to your well being.  And than in retrospect when the situation has resolved and the delusional or exaggerated thinking has been bought into a more logical rational perspective you wonder why you allowed yourself to be influenced yet again by the irrational torment of OCD. I guess that is the nature of the beast, the tormenting OCD monster only too ready to exploit any situation no matter how insignificant or how illogical in order to drive you crazy and fill you with anxiety.  It is interesting to note that this anxiety was one that was shared by many. Yes maybe for altogether different reasons and most of these reasons would not have the neurotic component as mine perhaps, but nonetheless the anxiety and behaviour of the public who queued for ages in long queues and even argued with one another just goes to show you how irrational and insecure everyone is at times.

September 15th.

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. 
Dave Tyson Gentry

I feel rather more hopeful today concerning my son who has somehow despite his social integration difficulties at least managed to go along to a meeting of fellow sufferers of Aspergers syndrome and high functioning autism for a social evening. Yes seems rather incongruous doesn't it, but like all of us who are different from the normal, although I much prefer the term neurotypicals NTs as normal people are referred in autistic circles, such difficulties are less apparent when one is with people who suffer in similar ways and where one may feel more comfortable with ones differences. The meeting arranged by the autistic society was convened in order to discuss possible monthly get-to-gethers of high functioning autists and Aspergers sufferers in which they can go out and about to pubs, the cinema and so on. I hope my son and indeed the others who came that evening will all gain from this endeavour and the loneliness of social isolation will be relieved. You know that even if you do not have the ability to converse with others for whatever reason it does not mean that you wish to be alone. Such conditions as autism, Aspergers syndrome, social phobia, avoidant personality disorder or whatever the reasons for your social awkwardness does not mean that you wish to be by yourself all the time. Sometimes just being in the presence of others as long as they understand the problems and everyone feels comfortable is often enough to relieve such feelings of loneliness even if no one speaks one word. Often I get the feeling that a lot of people talk simply for the sake of it, because it is expected and there are feelings of awkwardness between people if there is not a constant barrage of conversation.
 

September 16th

Frugality is one of the most beautiful and joyful words in the English language, and yet one that we are culturally cut off from understanding and enjoying.  The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things. 
Elise Boulding

I like to walk about among the beautiful things that adorn the world; but private wealth I should decline, or any sort of personal possessions, because they would take away my liberty. 
George Santayana,

Well the decorating is almost finished and the confusion contained. It has been exhausting not to mention stressful and not just the actual process of painting the walls, woodwork and so and all the contamination anxieties that this involves. No the chaos of our clutter added greatly to this irksome task and the good natured bickering - at least I hope so - as to who should take this opportunity to dispose of some of his or her clutter added rather to the confusion and caused some delay. Now the thing is that in my experience living with two other hoarders and clutters, who do not necessarily have OCD although my son most certainly has a mild form, is that each one of us sees the others clutter as well........ clutter, rubbish, useless, and a source of chaos and confusion inhibiting normal functions and generally overwhelming while his or own personal clutter is simply a collection, is aesthetic and essential and for whatever reasons he or she needs to keep it. So here we have the situation where we are each trying to persuade the other to declutter or to at least put something away and not have everything out so the house looks like a flee market or a bric-a-brac store or even a charity shop!

After decorating I simply could not stand the thought of putting all our clutter back where it was before as the new decor would barely be noticed and quite frankly the feeling of space, all that space was lovely and something rarely experienced in our house. It has to be said, although I can’t part with my stuff for reasons already mentioned in early entries, it is very depressing and confining, rather like ones cluttered mind it adds to the feelings of anxiety and frustration that we are all experiencing each for his or her own reasons. And besides it seemed a good opportunity to try and get some order from the chaos even if we actually throw very little away and at least have the sitting room look like a more normal sitting room. Sometimes if you have a problem with hoarding and cluttering it can help to move things around and try to confine them to restricted areas in some semblance of order. This works if your hoarding has not reached such severe levels that you have no space at all, your stairs are not crammed with stuff, every room and cupboard even your bath and so on is not jammed packed and all you have are paths leading round the house as was the case with a couple of people I have known. If this is not the case than you can feel much relief by moving things around and finding places to cram them and try to have at least one room clutter free or relatively clutter free.

Of course ones man’s clutter and rubbish is another man’s or woman's personal and precious collection. So some understanding and tolerance is required. The idea was, at least concerning the abundant collection of ornaments, (crystals, plants. soft toys, mostly sheep, books and various curiosities including bits of old abbeys and other ruins, rocks collected from the beach and other unusual items which to many would seems odd to say the least), is to try to have only a few things out at one time and than rotate them every few months or so.

My husband really has trouble with this and you can feel the tension and anxiety of which he appears to have little insight into, reasoning with him does little to help as indeed is the case for myself when my son tries to get me to dump my nine years old computer which I cannot use because the monitor has broken. “It’s a machine he says“ trying to conceal his amusement, “it’s not sentient. But as I have I explained before the feelings I get if I try to throw away such an item are as though it is a living being. Crazy! Yes deep down I know this yet there is this conflict, myself, my psyche is divided and in my heart I cannot see it this way and such items will probably never be thrown away while I am still alive. It would be so librating to get rid of some of my things but there is this block, this ache in my heart and I just can‘t despite the fact that sometimes all our clutter drives me round the bend - well further round the bend :-) . So naturally I understand both my son and husband and it is with some unease that we all make this attempt and as I have said before nothing really gets thrown away. And as long as it does not leave the house I am okay albeit with some ill ease as I attempt to store things away. We have tried this strategy before and it has been okay for a time although we never ever get it quite right and there remains far more clutter than would be the case in most homes. My husband’s difficulty coping with this soon comes to the fore and it is not long until he is surreptitiously sneaking things back when he thinks no one will notice. Moreover it is getting more difficult to find places to store our stuff, the attic is quite full of things I cannot even recall and there is not a lot of space up there anyway because of the design and low roof. All our cupboards are crammed and the vestibule is full. It looks just awful from the road as you can see all the clutter through the window, I am surprised that one has complained as people tend to do.

When we first moved in we had a neighbour who was a serious hoarder and clutterer, she would not allow anyone into the house to do repairs, her house had been flooded for some reason or another, and she could not get it fixed and dare not use her electricity. She could not open the back door and had to take her rubbish, which I image was food only as nothing much of anything else was thrown away, right along the street past the entire block of terraced houses to access her yard and her dust bin. Her home seethed with a profusion of clutter, newspapers and personal papers, letters, receipts and so on piled high dating back decades. I felt sorry for this lady I could imagine her pain, she lived alone and often when sufferers of hoarding and cluttering OCD live alone this problem becomes very severe indeed. Although we are no where near this severely affected our clutter does make life difficult and furthermore, do we stop adding to it? No way. My son groaned on Tuesday night when I returned home with yet another plant, I simply could not resist. Yes I know it will add to our problems, I recalled having agreed amongst each other to buy no more plants, I know I will be upset if it dies and as it grows bigger I know that of course it will take up more space and add to the overcrowding. Why I bought it I don’t really know and again it is so difficult to explain my reasoning as such seems obscure even to myself. Perhaps it’s that constant drive to be free of depression, to give myself a treat, a kind of quick fix an attempt perhaps to improve my environment in the hopes that I will be more contented, less stressed, less unhappy. It was cheap, just a couple of pounds, no big deal so against my better judgment I bought it.

It is as if you just cannot help doing something even though you know that in the end it will be to your detriment; you know that buying something you like will not make you any happier and you are mostly doing so to try and make yourself feel better even though you know from past experienced that it never does. And in the end no matter what you do however significant, or in this case seemingly insignificant, you seem never to lift that awful nagging depression and are instead making your situation worse.

For now the sitting room is clearer and with some manipulation we managed to put away some of our clutter. I did make some real progress sorting my cloths and separating cloths I have not worn for years and never will wear again having put on far too much weight. It was no easy matter mind you. Although the issue with such items as clothing is not the same as with the computer or stuffed toys and so on there is still this sense of loss and of making a mistake and various "what if "reasons why I should hang on to them ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous. The most ridiculous concerning the possibility of some disaster or another occurring and the need for warm clothing and none being available. Silly I know and this consideration is mild but there nonetheless.

So even parting with cloths is no easy matter. In order to do so I persuaded the clinging part of my psyche that these cloths will help the local charity shop to raise money, such reasoning off sets my anxiety rather but will of course cause intensify my contamination rituals: although the cloths are clean I will need to wash them carefully and it will be very difficult for me to convince myself that they are clean enough to give to others . It will not be easy to persuade  myself that by giving these cloths way I am not contaminating anyone despite washing them cloths meticulously. So now there they are all in black sacks waiting to be washed, so at this juncture I cannot as yet pat myself on the back and say that I have disposed of these unwanted cloths. We did mange to throw away some empty boxes and paper bags and other bits of paper clutter, and some really tatty curtains. Nearly a sack full so it’s some progress and allowed us some place to store things and made feel less overwhelmed in the sitting room.

I do not know how others with this problem feel but if you can give your stuff away to friends, family, neighbours and anyone you know it is less of a problem and you feel less guilty - yes guilt is another emotion which plays a part here. It is indeed difficult to throw away something as you feel extravagant and wasteful but yet again there are yet other reasons and motivations at work here and which are not easy to define in such an obvious way. We have a gothic style mirror which we know the daughter of a friend of ours will just love and although it will be difficult to part with it, it will not be as bad knowing that it will be appreciated and just knowing who has it also seems to mitigate these anxieties. I know this all seems so superficial and considering the philosophical, deep and meaningful preoccupations that often absorb my thinking and occupy my reading this all seems so incongruous but again it is another case of the divided self, a phenomenon of most mental illness and OCD is no exception,  at least to some extent.

September 19th

There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them. 
Andre Gide

Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. 
German Proverb

Well I really must publish the above entries I have not done so since September 9th although as usual I have made entries in my journal. If I do not publish these entries they will seem rather out of date but I guess that is not that important and as this is the only way I can keep this blog going than it is better than nothing. But there is always something every time I want to publish my entries, something which worries me something not quite right and the more I read over them the more faults and consequence anxieties arise. There are anxieties of which I am simply just too afraid to tell of right now which often cause some considerable delay. This is how OCD ruins your life no matter what you try to do it tries to gain a foothold and gnaw away at whatever it is you attempt eroding your capacity to accomplish anything if you allow it. And of course this is not just here with my blog or my website but in every facet of my life. Sometimes it is difficult for me to explain to you what it is like, that ever present anxiety over one thing or another along with feelings of fear. It is difficult to find the right words to explain quite how it feels. Yes as I type this right now I am afraid assailed with doubts and often such fears return with more intensity when I write as I relate my experiences both past and present and try to tell you what my life is like and how I feel.

Everyone, in fact every sentient creature experiences fear . There maybe many people who rarely have this experience. There may even be the rarity of a person who never has ever experienced fear although I am not aware of such a person or if it is indeed possible not to feel this emotion, which in normal circumstances protects us from danger in appropriate situations. But I am sure I can safely say that most of us at one time or another have experienced the emotion of fear and therefore you have some idea what it feels like. You will of course know only too well what fear is like if you suffer from OCD or other anxiety disorder or any other mental health problem such as schizophrenia and similar conditions where terrifying hallucinations bring about profound fear. There was no doubt in my mind that the girl on the ward when I was in hospital back in the early eighties was very familiar with this emotion, she was clearly terrified each morning as she saw beetles crawling up the wall of her room. This hallucination occurred every single day. Her hysterical screaming pierced the quiet of each and every morning, before the sun had risen she began screaming and screaming. Fear and anxiety are part and parcel of all mental illness but these feelings are difficult to describe except by reference to your own experience; I can never clearly tell you what it feels like to have some degree of anxiety every day and to be overwhelmed by crushing and incapacitating fear for all manner of every day occurrences distorted by dreadful imaginings. But if you have felt fear than you will have some idea what if feels like.

What is the difference between fear and anxiety? Quite honesty in my experience very little and during extreme attacks of anxiety the feelings are more or less the same and I often use fear and anxiety synonymously in certain situations.

Webster's Dictionary gives the follow definitions.

Anxiety: Pain or uneasiness of mind respecting some event ;future or uncertain; concern; solicitude; care; disquietude.

Fear: A painful emotion caused by an expectation of evil or of impending danger; anxiety; solicitude; dread


As I have already said I tend to think that these emotions are more or less similar in certain circumstances. Fear being perhaps the more severe, disabling and acute emotion which can occur without warning and my be fleeting and gone as soon as the danger passes or the perceived danger has passed and the brain has had time to determine the situation. For instance a car backfires, you jump with a start, your heart pounds, you have that adrenalin rush, your heart jumps into your month and your stomach constricts but at soon as you know the source of you fear and if it is not a threat you may begin to settle down. But fear can keep on going, the mind adding momentum sustaining it by dreadful imaginings. Such as in the above example you could easily image that it was gun fire, particularly if you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder , your mind adds momentum and as a result increases the duration of the fearful feeling. Fear should in normal circumstances subside once the danger has passed.

There is not a lot of difference between fear and anxiety and anxiety can precipitate fear and vice versa as in the above example. However anxiety as felt by sufferers of the disorders on this website mostly concerns anticipation of something that is not occurring right now, it mostly concerns worries of future events or the perceived negative outcomes of past events. As I have already said anxiety involves fearful imaginings such as the continuous worrying of a person with hypochondria who has the idea that he or she has some life threatening disease; he or she will feel that gnawing persistent anxiety without abatement varying in degrees which may reach overwhelming levels in much the same way that it does to everyone during those acute moments of fear mentioned earlier. From my own experience I can tell you it is no exaggeration. Prior to my full blow OCD I was tormented for months with hypochondria and today I have this in varying degrees. I recall that I had the oddest notion that I had hardening of the arteries at only twenty two years of age. I had overheard a depressing conversation at work where it was mentioned that a friend of one of my colleagues was dying of hardening of the arties. From that time on I was sick with dread, appalling unremitting dread. I had had similar attacks of such imaginings: I had worried about leukaemia, lung cancer and other terminal illnesses. After the doctor had assured me that I did not sufferer from any of these illnesses my mind, quite against my volition of course, automatically found another illness to worry about. I recall that during this time of great anxiety concerning the possibility that I had hardening of the arties, which of course on a rational level I knew was a malady of old age, I looked at my wrist and imagined that my veins had disappeared. What this quite had to do with hardening of the arteries I had no idea I did not even know what the symptoms were but I really thought that my arteries had disappeared. I really feel silly telling you this now and it was only my imagination of course but at the time it was so real and the fear that overwhelmed me I will never forget, although of course the exact feelings cannot be remembered. Nonetheless now as I type just recalling the fear I went through at that time I feel that anxious feeling rise to my throat.

So please make no mistake, anxiety is no mild emotion, in its extreme it feels like fear, it leads to fear and it is fear and the fears borne of anxious imaginings such as that experienced by anxiety sufferers may be just as real and may feel just as terrifying in certain extreme situations as fear experienced during a real threat. Any one suffering from panic disorder will tell you how terrifying it feels when in the throes of this very severe type of anxiety; a full blown anxiety attack is felt as excruciatingly overwhelming and incapacitating as fear felt in the more normal circumstances of a real threat.

It is now 11.55. I am really now so fed up with checking all the above entries and will publish. I get so tired of how all this eats away at my life taking away my precious time, time that could be spent on other things, writing other things that I hope will be of benefit to others. I am having big trouble with my old computer and need to give it some attention and I have some artwork to do and various other projects for this website and that of my son's although he is gradually taking over this task. I resent how this manifestation of OCD is inhibiting this endeavour and am tried of going over and over these entries. There will invariably be mistakes there always are, I have problems concerning attention deficient that effects the accuracy of everything I write and whatever I write will never ever be perfect in that respect and somehow I have to accept this. And concerning the other fears about causing harm by what I have written or not written..... well I don't know how to overcome them but even if I only concentrate on trying to ignore the aspect of my anxiety concerning grammatical and other similar errors it would be something and would help cut down the amount of checking involved in that regard. So I am not re reading for the umpteenth time and will click publish mistakes and all. Ummm right now I am worrying about the second from last sentence and other sentences which I think are convoluted and complicated. I can obsess and re read until my brain is so exhausted and than I feel so frustrated and irritable as I am feeling right now.  What do a few mistakes matter I am not professional writer. Silly I know but they do matter, I wish it were otherwise. 

September 20th

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. 
Epictetus

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness. 
Margaret Millar

Last night I watched the film Intimate Strangers confidences trop intimes a French film by Patrice Leconte Starring Sandrine Bonnaire and Fabrice Luchini. The film is about a women with marital problems who when consulting a psychiatrist walks into the wrong office and instead finds herself discussing the intimate details of her marriage with a tax consultant who rather taken unawares does not tell this women that he is not a psychiatrist. After a couple of consultations the tax advisor still has not the courage to own up to his real identity. The point of my mentioning this is that there was an interesting conversation between the legitimate psychiatrist and the tax adviser concerning this women during which the psychiatrist said how people with her kind of problem were nowadays unable to find anyone to listen to them, and instead they had to engage the professional services of psychiatrists whose expertise they really do not need simply because no one knows how to listen anymore.

I could not have agreed more. In recent years I have noticed that no one wants to listen anymore and I do not just not mean that no one wants to listen to another's problems, no, no one wants to listen to anything any more, most people seem so consumed by self interest. It appears to me that no one has any interest in any one else, either pain or joy no one is interested in the experiences of others - at least not in the lives of people that they know, real people with whom they associate on a daily basis. Yet a significant number of people are addicted to soap operas following closely and becoming involved in the lives of the characters yet they have no interest or concern for the lives of real people. Moreover followers of soaps often momentarily lose touch with the reality of the situation inasmuch that it is not real. We all do this if we admit it , we get so involved with the scenarios of such programs on TV. We occupy our thoughts with the lives of these characters, we feel sadness when they are sad, along with the protagonists we experience anger and sorrow and we look forward to the next instalment. We may even feel disappointed if we miss an episode and ask some else what happened. We even discuss the problems of the characters but we seem not to care about or take interest in the lives of real people. Why is this? The lives of real people are more important and are certainly more interesting. After all these soap operas do not really show the reality of life, particularly the lives of those who suffer from mental health issues. Take Home and Away as an example, an Australian soap, I enjoy it, I have watched it for years, it is a distraction but it has little baring on the reality of life. One of the characters is supposed to have OCD, well you would never know it. I missed the part where it became apparent that she had OCD it was only later on during a another scenario that the fact came up that she was supposed to be a sufferer of OCD, otherwise I would never have noticed. She exhibits no OCD symptoms whatever, no one gets this well now do they? Wow if treatment in Australia is that good well... I am out on the next plane, flying phobia notwithstanding! Admittedly I did not see the episodes which portrayed this character's OCD in the first instance but most certainly in the episodes since there have been no indication whatsoever that she has OCD.

Most soaps cannot even portray normal conversations with any reality except during angry scenes and even than they lack the spontaneity, the turbulence and incoherence of most heated exchanges. Have you noticed in soaps that for the most part conversations are arranged in a logical manner, one person speaks, the other listens without interruption until the first has finished speaking and than he or she speaks while the other than listens. How many conversations have you had recently when that happens? I can think of very few. How often can you finish a sentence before someone interrupts you? No not even conversations with mental health professions are conducted in this manner, the days of laying on the couch while the psychiatrist or other therapist listens are long gone, you 're lucky if you 're able to complete a sentence without interruption. I am not saying that this happens all the time, in fact until relatively recently a mental health professional did in fact listen quite intently, but most certainly throughout all the years of my experience with psychiatrists and other mental health professionals it has upon far too may occasions. Once I saw a CPN  a few years ago for several months and not once did I get to talk about my OCD in any real way. I recall being interrupted the first time I mentioned it before completing a sentence and after continued interruption I gave up. I have great difficulty expressing myself, finding the right words, and so it was hopeless for me. I had told this person nothing whatsoever. I was told that a report was written up each time I  received a visit, I often wondered what was written in that report.

Most certainly conversations with friends, colleagues or family are not what they once were. No one ever asks concerning your interests, no one really asks how you are accept in accordance with polite conversation, have you noticed the look of surprise on another ‘s face if you answer “How are you?” with a truthful response instead of the usual “Fine thank you how are you?” If you answer truthfully you will be met with some astonishment in most instances. We have lived here in the north east now three years during that time no one has asked us anything about our lives in the south east or why we came here. No one has  asked what my husband or son did for a living or what we think of our new lives here, nothing!. And most certainly no one wants much to do with you if you are ill other than the occasional morbid curiosity and nosiness. No one wants to listen or take interest . Yet if they can they will inundate you with all their problems, interests and ideas while barely listening to yours. This often happens become of my difficulties  having conversations with others and to share both my interests and my problems and it is for these reasons that I am probably at a worse disadvantage than perhaps are the more socially able . As a consequence I get labelled a good listener because I simply cannot think of anything to say fast enough before being interrupted, so people will talk on and on.

I was told that I am a good listener way back in the sixties and many many times since. I rang a former neighbour the other day, it was a case of necessity, I have not spoken to this person for nearly two years. We had lived closed to each other and had known each other for over twenty years yet she did not even ask after my son or ask much of anything personal at all. In fact she made the most lame excuse possible to hang up : "I will have to go there is someone at the door". It is so sad and many people feel so alone as they have lost the art of listening and of caring, they listen to no one and no one listens to them. We are all so preoccupied in our own lives and have neither the time nor the inclination to take interest in others. Sometimes there is just no one to talk with. At least with the internet you can talk to others and have your say uninterrupted as communication by writing means they have to listen... or do they?  I guess most people will read what you have written in an e-mail or instant message but of course this does not mean that they have to respond. Now suddenly writing this here I can tell you that in some extreme cases people with whom you may correspond still do not have to take an interest or comment. I used to exchange email with an e-mail pal who never responded unless it was something that interested her or was about herself. She ignored blatantly any other comment or inquiry. Yes it is indeed a very lonely world and we are all to some extent isolating ourselves because of our lack of interest in others.

September 21st

For man, autumn is a time of harvest, of gathering together.  For nature, it is a time of sowing, of scattering abroad. 
Edwin Way Teale

Today is the autumn equinox, it is the beginning of Autumn here in the northern hemisphere, today night and day are of equal length in both hemispheres. It is traditionally a time for gathering in the harvest and for gardeners it is a time for pruning and cutting back and preparing the garden for the winter months.  It is a time of change not only in nature but within ourselves also for we are of course despite our sophisticated trappings a part of nature.  It is a time when we have the opportunity to learn new things. Here in the UK it is the beginning of the school year, it is an opportunity for everyone to learn something different, for adults also it's a good time to learn new skills or simply to enrol in an  adult education course to broaden your mind. And for people with problems such as those included on this website it is a good time to participate in such distractions afforded by the many learning opportunities available. I understand for some of us, and right now that includes myself, it may not be possible to be involved in such an activity for a number of reasons but  if you can it will help you get through these gloomy days when we begin to feel rather weary and despondent. I am of course as always speaking from my own perspective perhaps you will see things differently and see autumn in a more positive light. There are of course some positives as you tend to wind down and becomes less active and perhaps you can enjoy the comforts of your own home and the company of your family during this time of year. 

It is however most certainly not my favourite time of the year and even during times of my life when my condition has been less severe I have always felt increasingly anxious around this time. There is something about the onset of autumn that makes me uneasy, whether this is due simply to the onset of colder weather ,shorter and gloomier days or perhaps even reminders of past events, whatever it is I do not like this time of year. I have had some sorrow during the months of autumn but than I have also at other times during the summer months in fact more so. But whatever the reason for my unease there is nothing I can do about the the coming of autumn and will somehow have to get through it. At my age one should not wish one’s life away by counting the months to the return of spring and instead try to make the best of the situation.

I try to make my home as bright and as pleasant as possible, not often easy as during the autumn we have problems with damp and such can make one feel depressed. At the moment I am painting pictures of flowers on box canvas to hang in the kitchen and have painted our stools similarly. It is amazing how this creates a more cheerful and bright look to the kitchen even ours which is rather old and run down. Even if you don't fancy yourself as a painter it is of course possible to buy quite cheaply bright and cheerful prints.  Also plenty of plants enhance your environment at a time of year when greenery is in short supply - well it is here in the northeast. There are fewer trees than there are in Sussex and I notice this particularly at this time of the year when trees begin to lose their leaves.  Now as an OCDer with a tendency to compulsive hoarding and cluttering I can over do it rather and I need to be mindful of this particularly concerning plants. My son groans when yet another plants is added to what he calls the jungle. I try my best to mitigate the negative feeling I have concerning this time of year as much as is possible and I think that making ones personal environment as pleasant as is possible in whatever circumstances you are in helps to some extent to improve ones mood.

The following are photos of my paintings and stools to match, you would be amazed of the difference these make. People nowadays seem to go for the minimalist look in sitting rooms kitchens and bathrooms which I find bleak and cold making you feel as though your are in an office or a laboratory. Yes over the top clutter is for my family and I a big problem and one that is growing however bare empty homes are another extreme and a bit of cosy clutter does much to make one feel more comfortable during these colder gloomier months.

Click on thumb nail for larger image.

I am of course not alone with such apprehension or increases in feelings of depression concerning the approach of autumn and winter time. If you suffer from seasonal affective disorder SAD you will be feeling much the same as I and maybe even worse. In fact anyone who sufferers from depression will not welcome the onset of autumn. There is definitely a difference in the amount of light even on a sunny day and for those of us who are sensitive to such things it is indeed noticeable.

Today is most certainly not a good start at all, I have been awake since 2.30 there has been a loud and very intrusive thumping noise from the factory in our village which has been working at night for over four weeks. Sometimes the noise is so loud I simply cannot sleep or I am woken as I was today and cannot return to sleep. Ever since moving here this factory has been a real thorn in my side and I have tried everything to get the problem resolved but it would seem that I have no rights and they can work 24/7 and make a good deal of noise which is audible even to the deaf. Yes even a lady of ninety could hear it and she was very hard of hearing. Well I will not go into details as it would be tedious and does nothing really for me or anyone else. In the UK the government is very into human rights issues and quite rightly so too. However only in certain areas, and this is not one of them. The problem is it would seem: I don’t have any rights! I don’t have the right to peace and quiet at night. Yes a main road passes right through our village and in all fairness I can’t do much about that. But the traffic does subside at night and is barely noticeable with only the very occasional passing vehicle, so at night the traffic is not a problem. But there is something that can be done about this factory, there could at least be some restriction on working during what was once referred to as unsociable hours. Not much to ask, we live in a residential area but in a strange mix of agriculture and industry, it is not quite the idyll one would imagine despite the pleasant view from the side and back windows overlooking fields and hills in the distance.

No it is no idyll of peaceful tranquilly, it is hell for me. I feel as though I am living in some hell realm where I am tortured by noise every single day, it has made my health worse due to three years of sleep deprivation. I find it difficult to complain I do not wish to deprive anyone of a living but I have to sleep, and besides I simply cannot get any help with this problem as seemingly I have no recourse in law unless I can afford a solicitor and engage in an expensive court case and even it I could the law simply does not support my position at all, in other words I have no rights. In the twenty first century the misery of noise from this factory which occurs in my village is an anachronism of a by gone age but like so many anachronisms that where seemingly things of the past it is here today and will remain here today if nothing is done about it. Wouldn’t you think that in this day and age a factory employing 200 people would not be allowed to work in a residential area at night unless it was entirely soundproofed? If anyone reading this has any knowledge concerning my position in law regarding this situation I would appreciate your advice.

Yes I was very naive indeed to have bought a house here and there is not a day that passes that I do not regret this. Yes I saw the factory when we made an offer to buy our house, it is in plain view. Initially I thought it was a warehouse but even if I had not it simply would never have occurred to me that they would be allowed to work throughout the night. I really regret buying this house now and feel the mistake of moving here for this and other reasons will be something that will haunt me now for the rest of my life. There is no going back for many reasons and somehow I have to either do something to stop this noise which seems increasingly unlikely or move elsewhere and this is something none of us feel able to cope with right now as the stress and anxiety of such a course of action is just too overwhelming

September 23rd.

Well I lamented the passing of summer in late August far too soon it would seem, two days after the autumn equinox it is still so warm, at least for the time of year. I sit here now really quite warm, hot in fact. Although it is pleasant to feel such mild temperatures at this time of year it is indeed unusual and brings to the fore the reality of global warming. It is so warm in fact that it would be lovely to be able to open the windows, it is 5am and there is little traffic on the road and I might just get to here the birds sing - well I would if it were not for the continued noise of the factory.

I rang the department of the environment yesterday as I was really at my wits end with the noise feeling so ill after having hardly any sleep. As you know telephoning for me is becoming an increasingly difficult task due to my problems with social anxiety but I was so angry. Anyone else notice how anger can give you that extra bit of momentum to take action that would otherwise not be taken in normal circumstances? To my amazement they have received other complaints. Knowing that I am not alone in this helps considerably. Because I have OCD and have this sensitivity to noise which may or may not be due to aspergers syndrome or simply due to high levels of stress (I still of yet do not know the reason for such sensitivity as no diagnosis is available) but whatever I am often regarded by my family as overreacting to noise and even at times imagining it all. My son who has a diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome seems only to be disturbed by certain noises, noises which affect him and which are different from the noises which affect me and besides he sleeps at the back of the house where the noise does not penetrate. My husband well... He is one of those people who sleeps like a log, a bomb could go off and he would carry on sleeping. So neither are really affected although both can hear it in the front side of the house but because they’re the least effected they seem to take it in their stride, at least they do not appear to react. Maybe they’re more laid back but maybe they are depressed, tried and simply worm out by the increasing difficulties and frustrations of life. Yes so am I but depression like all things in life effects people in many different ways and due to life‘s perversity my anger appears to increase daily and is perhaps an emotion borne of my depression. People often tell you that anger is an unsatisfactory and harmful emotion and it will make you ill. However unlike apathy anger is a motivator or it can be. No one ever goes on and on about how damaging to ones health and well being is the state of apathy, yet in my opinion apathy is a far worse condition in which to exist than anger. When one is in a state of apathy you are more vulnerable and will be far less motivated to take action even in dire and urgent circumstances.

We have to fill in forms, why they cannot simply come and take a sound level reading I don’t know. They have to abide by rules and it is not the fault of this department of the environment anymore that it is any other. The situation has to be monitored over a period of two weeks and the times and natures of the disturbance have to be recorded. However a meeting is arranged to discuss the issue with the director of the factory. At least it is progress and the volume of noise will most likely reach the necessary requirements for action to be taken - at least I hope so. In the meantime I will quietly go insane. Yesterday I had a severe migraine and to day now as I sit here my head is thumping, the pain is just awful and I feel so ill. It seems to be one thing after another. Yes I know that I come over as a complainer but there seems always to a problem and this business with the noise has been one of many banes in my life. Something has to be done to stop this noise abuse, for abuse it most certainly is. Someone suggested double glazing. We already have double glazing but maybe triple glazing would reduce noise levels further and of course we have considered this but the expense would be considerable. But that is not the point is it, surely this situation should not be allowed. We pride ourselves here in the UK for being fair and upholding human rights and improving social and environmental situations. However the flaws in such misplaced pride appear all the time in basic domestic situations where people’s lives are made a misery because of such abuse as noise and so on is allowed to continue unchallenged.

Well I hope this will not be the case this time And as this noise is much louder and appears to have effected more people something might be done, I shall have to wait and see. Also I wonder why the person who mentioned the double glazing did not think well fine okay but when it is warm and I want to open a window for some fresh air, as I would indeed like to do so now right now, well... what then? Have we really got to spend our entire lives stifled in an airless room so that the owner /owners of this factory can make a nice living at our detriment and the detriment of others ? Well I guess that happens all the time all over the world and I doubt somehow that I will ever live to see any significant change, in fact it appears to me as though we are taking a step - well several steps - backwards as we allow others to be abused or exploited by the few simply for power and profit. It appears to me that business needs or rather greed come first, at least here in the UK. Can you image an ordinary householder getting away with using loud machinery at night running for instance a washing machine - well it is cheaper at night to do so -, or leaving their TV or stereo on at loud volume all night, every night for weeks and weeks on end 24/7 without some action being taken. I doubt it, yet this factory has gotten away with it for years. It appears that when they have a lot of orders they work at night they simply turn on the machinery with complete disregard for residents. The frightening thing is that in theory ,unless the noise levels exceed the WHO organisation’s criteria for acceptable levels and this criteria is set high, they could do this twenty four hours three hundred and sixty five days a year and there would be nothing any one could do to stop them. Even if we win this time and if this problem is resolved another will arise to take its place. Something needs to be done. the odd things is that if a cinema was to be built in the middle of the village it would be required to be sound proofed by law, yet there is no such requirement for a factory such as this.

What has this got to do my OCD - well everything, OCD does get worse in stressful situations and when perverse and difficult circumstances arise it often becomes a step upwards to a more difficult plateaux of existence. As I have said before often when stressful circumstances arise in ones life ones OCD gets worse as a consequence and it is often impossible to go back to ones original level of functioning and coping and the degree of ones OCD therefore becomes gradually worse as time passes, this is perhaps why my OCD has in the main has become much worse over the years. One needs to be ever mindful for situations which may escalate ones symptoms and often I think with a bit more support from mental health care services and the community such decreases in ones ability to cope would be mitigated with just a little support. But sadly resources no doubt do not allow for such so here I struggle alone, well we all do , my husband son and I rather like the blind leading the blind. The only advice I got from a mental health worker was to get some ear plugs.

September 24th

Well I really should not bore you with my woes but it seems these days to be one continuous round of misery as one by one - oh if only it were one by one - more and more difficulties present themselves making my life seem impossible. Yesterday despite my life long fear of death I had an increase in suicidal thoughts. Yes I always have them every day in fact but most times these present in the same way as for instance a blasphemous thought does, intrusive and not welcome but when the pressure begins to mount they of course present more often. Because of my profound fear of death, which haunts most of my waking life more times than I would care to consider, suicidal thoughts are incongruous with my fears concerning death, fears which are for the most part the motivators behind a lot of my OCD, so it would be unlikely that I would seriously consider such a course of action. But such thoughts tend to turn up whenever I feel more overwhelmed than is usual which appears to be the case right now.  Therefore the increase in such thoughts is worrying as it is an indication in the worsening of my situation.

Noise is becoming a major problem for me along with mounting frustrations and anger which are becoming difficult for me to control.  The factory management are now seeking planning permission to build an extension. The council have hung one small notice on a lamp post notifying residents of this proposal in order to invite comments. Had not a neighbour told us of this we would not have seem it. I am writing to the department of Planning or whatever they' re called , I really can't think straight anymore, to state my disagreement to this proposal which of course will increase noise levels. However somehow I feel that my protest will not be considered as has been the case in past similar situations, but who knows I will as always have to wait and see.  Last night I was so stressed and angry and quite frankly at my wits end, it seems as though I am trapped within a nightmare of existence which gets considerably worse by the minute. After a stressful hour or more writing to the council I was so ill with anxiety and looked forward to a relaxing evening only to find our normally considerate neighbours, at least concerning noise, have turned up the volume of their music  so loud that it could be heard all over the entire house and could not be masked by our TV. I am afraid I really lost it and screamed "turn the bloody thing down", now I might be timid and shy but boy can I shout. I do not want contention between myself and these neighbours or anything others, but really how selfish of them.  It was Friday night and there was no night shift at the factory and I was looking forward to some of peace and quiet. Admittedly they rarely do this nonetheless the noise was way over the top, and no I am not over reacting the noise was dreadful, there was no escape anywhere. I do not understand what is happening to people today it was obvious that turning the volume up would have an effect upon neighbours in a terraced house. I am at the stage now where I really do not know what to do anymore other than move.

It is time the law came on the side of those of us who would like a bit of peace and quiet. Manufacturers sell surround sound, enormous amplifiers which will obviously cause significant noise pollution. Makers of TV programmes including such things as documentaries even will have loud music in the background and you cannot in some instances hear the dialogue so you turn up the volume, no wonder there are problems between neighbours. I always consider my neighbours and take great care not to allow any noise I make to disturb them, it is a shame others do not give me the same consideration. Here I sit now on my computer it is 6.20 I have been up since 4.20 and awake since 3.00 I could so easily turn on the TV or my stereo, incidentally the later is now rarely used since I feel so traumatised by the intrusive music and noise of others, but no I do not out of consideration for others.

In all fairness last night there may have been mitigating circumstances, the women next door is rather shy, like myself in fact, she had visitors and it may have been that these visitors turned the volume up and she was not assertive enough to do much about it. For now I will give them the benefit of the doubt but this incident coming on top of the other noise problem has had quite an impact on me and this latest development if nothing else shows me what life could be like if someone else moved in who played music at such a level all the time.  And this does happen, it happened to my sister and her husband. In an apartment down stairs a man moved in, he played drums throughout the night, eventually my sister and her husband were forced to move as the council failed to take action.

It is not just the noise it is that feeling of insecurity and hopelessness when one feels that their home is not theirs as it can so easily be intruded upon by others and violated. Yes noise is an intrusion by others and feels like a violation, it is furthermore an intrusion of which you have no power whatsoever to prevent.  And it colours your whole attitude and the pleasure you may derive from looking after your home, as I mentioned earlier, soon dissipates as you feel your home is no longer a place of refuge from the world and from your unhappiness and instead it becomes a place you no longer wish to be and when you see it as you approach after a day out your stomach churns with anxious anticipation.

September 25th

I just did not know what to do with the cakes I had just baked, where was I going to put them to cool. It had taken so long to make them because of my OCD and I was so stressed now that they were finally cooked I felt there was no place in my hone to leave them to cool. There was a fruit fly in the kitchen and I worried that there would be flies elsewhere into the house. I took the cakes upstairs to my bedroom where sometimes I paint, as I lay the plate on the bench I had the strangest of notions that they would be contaminated by the paint, paint which was of course in the tubes completely sealed and a good distance from the cakes. Still this thought came. Crazy I know, but oh I was so anxious, logic as those of us who suffer in this way know only too well does little to mitigate the anxiety. I did finally leave them there as far from the tubes of paint as space would allow but only because after wandering round the house thoughts of a similar nature cropped up everywhere and finally this table become the least of several evils

We had invited someone to tea. I think now I can safely call this lady a friend. I have mentioned her before she is easy to talk with and we do not over do the private chat nor does the subject stray too often on to small talk so we all get on quite well. She does not know I have OCD and we talk rarely of health matters.

I find it difficult to maintain friendships and do not want to lose contact with this person so we decided to invite her for tea. Now with my OCD it is a nightmare of anxiety, preparing food that others will eat is extremely stressful for me. It is difficult enough with my own family but with a non family my member my anxiety really takes off. I am always so afraid that I will accidentally poison someone either because my hands, crockery, cutlery, towels and so on are not clean enough and harbour germs or that somehow a toxic substance will come into contact with the food. Yes even when such as the above example with the cakes it is clearly impossible. I can never cook a meal unless another family member is at home, as I have said before most of the food would end up in the bin as when you’re alone you give in to your OCD much more as your ability to see things more rationally diminishes considerably without the backup of the perspective of another person.

I was really anxious about the scouring cream on my hands, no matter how many times I had washed them and rinsed them I could not convince myself that molecules of the substance did not remain to contaminate my baking. I had of course been cleaning the bathroom in the manner I have described upon many occasions both here and in my article a day in the of an OCDer. Today I had been even more thorough, anxious not to contaminate my visitor. I do not wear rubber gloves as I fear that they may be contaminated . It is difficult to explain why, it is not the outside that bothers me as this can easily be washed. No rather it is the inside and all the fluffy stuff that sticks to our hands and cloths. Now if I washed the inside I am anxious that it will not dry properly and germs will therefore breed inside the gloves and when I go to put them on my hands will be contaminated and also my cloths and the cuffs and sleeves I will therefore need to not only wash my hands but also my cloths. So I do not use rubber gloves.

Preparing the rest of the spread was a nightmare and I vowed never again to invite anyone to visit as I simply cannot cope with cooking food for others. It was a nightmare round of washing the crockery, rinsing and scolding in boiling water, cups, knives, forks spoons, and all the while washing my hands over an over using umpteen fresh tea towels even taking them off the line as they were drying. I worried about the hygiene of the food, the freshness of the milk - I don’t use milk now, I am a lactose free vegetarian but will provide milk for visitors, (I will not provide meat but feel I can’t really expect visitors to go without milk ). But this worries me as I do not like to give others food or drink that I will not be consuming myself. What a dilemma! I use Soya milk, but did not feel I can give guests Soya milk and besides I had the notion that this person may be allergic to Soya milk. Unlikely of course as most bread now contains Soya and I think by now she would be quite aware of any allergies.

There are so may dilemmas which present with OCD and all of them are not quite as simple as one might expect if you think about OCD in stereo typical terms all the time. Yes the more expected and understood type of OCD most certainly plays a part but often it is not only a matter of germs equal contamination, it is not always as simple and as straight forward as that. There are concerns upon a variety issues concerning causing harm, and fears that others are allergic to something I have prepared is yet another one of these concerns. Perhaps you might think it better not to cook my own cakes and go and buy some from a shop but I worry about shop produce in much the same way. We did go to the shops worrying that we did not have enough and bought extra cakes and salad for sandwiches but this caused anxiety and I read the labels carefully. The packaged salad causes anxieties of which I have already mentioned in other entries: if the bag is filled with air I worry that here is something wrong with it as once I was told that over inflated bags were a health hazard however conversely if the bag seem to have no air at all I worried that the food was not fresh and also a hazard. I know I can’t win you can’t if you have OCD the frustration and anxiety can drive you just crazy.

Our visitor arrived late and I worried she would not arrive at all and I would have done all that for nothing. I am finding it very difficult to have people in my home for various reasons one of them is footwear. Why oh why do people feel it is okay to enter your home wearing shoes, boots, trainers and so on that have been traipsed round streets, fields and on the beach and goodness knows where else I dread to think! I envy the Japanese custom whereby people are expected to remove their shoes whenever they enter a building. Now just because I have OCD it does not mean that everything so-called normal people do is correct and that my opinion is not valid. How can footwear which may have been walked through goodness knows what including dog mess, mud and general grime possibly be clean. People do not look where they are walking - well not unless you’ re like me and you have OCD.  But generally people do not were they are putting there feet, I have observed them walk through all sorts of mess in the street. In busy and crowded streets unless you ‘re mindful as I am and concerned of such matters most people do not notice mess left by an inconsiderate dog owner who has not trained his or her dog. Nor do most people notice anything else for that matter including patrol spillage, discarded food and well you name it I need not go into more detail, anyone who walks regularly through city streets knows just how dirty they can be. And not just city streets either: walkers in the hills here traipse into cafes, tea rooms, pubs and other places where food is prepared there boots or shoes are obviously covered with sheep mess, such is unavoidable in an area of intensive sheep farming. It is not just the OCD fears concerning contamination that is the issue here, but for practical reasons for instance, who wants their carpets trodden on by people wearing grimy shoes as it is so hard to keep carpets clean at the best of times. Yet guests never remove their shoes, it simply does not occur to them and it is not an easy matter to ask them to do so. I find that if I do not ask them I sit there stressed out watching their every move cringing inside if they get up and move about. Years ago when my OCD was again severe I would wash the carpet with disinfectant afterwards. I tend not to do that now because I fear poisoning people with the disinfectant so again there is a dilemma.  I am afraid it is getting to the stage when I do not want anyone entering my home with shoes on and as I can't ask him to take them off ... well I am afraid I will not be inviting people into my home.

There are other reasons that I am finding it increasingly difficult to allow someone in my home and it is sometime because I know something about the person that makes me think they are contaminated such as they may be a dog owner, their own home is not clean, or they work with chemicals or they work in a garden . Life is not easy when you have OCD but there may be times when you may be able to stand against such fears but personally for me until that times arrives I cannot allow anyone to make me feel that my home is contaminated. Right now I am just to ill and have no support from a mental health professional and cannot cope with making any  significant stand against my OCD. This does not mean that I never will it is just right now not possible for me. Neither does this mean that I never make a stand and give in to all its torment, if this were the case I would not be sitting hear now. I fight the incursion of OCD on some occasions but there are some areas where this is not possible and without some help and support doing so would make matters worse. Throughout my life as you will see in my memoir I have made several stands against OCD but I have always needed help I cannot just overcome certain aspects to fit in with the needs of others, sadly this is often expected. But everyone is different some suffers can make progress little by little but nowadays my OCD manifestations are really so complex and interwoven and too complicated for me to actually sort out anymore. Often for example my OCD contamination becomes enmeshed within for my religious OCD, it is difficult to explain it has been this way now for a good number of years and I have even found it difficult to explain to a mental health professional how complex my symptoms are and  how pervasive and entwined they have become  In short now I have no idea where to start anymore except with fairly simply and isolated manifestations.

Despite all the negative factors we all enjoyed tea with this lady, a pleasant person with a good sense of humour who managed to make us laugh and forget ourselves for a while and even to forget that we all three of us are not the same as everyone else or ever will be. 

September27th

Well the good news is I am not alone with my endeavours to stop this noise misery, a neighbour rang me last night. Apparently a good number of people are complaining and an anonymous post sent to residents from a concerned individual has informed everyone about the proposal to build an extension and may have alerted those who have not seen this rather obscure notice pinned to the lamp post. In fact if you 're not a dog walker or you do not visit the local pub you would not see this notice. But nonetheless less despite this added support the noise continues unabated and unaffected. I wrote to the director of the factory and as of yet I have received no reply, I do not expect to do so. I cannot imagine how someone can do such harm to others and knowing this carry on inflicting such harm. I am naive I know but the lack of concern for others on the part of many people is beyond my comprehension. But perhaps they simply do not see it that way and may simply be doing what they feel they have to do and you know people can come up with all kinds of excuses to justify acts which are of detriment to others in order to ease their conscience. For example, maybe in this case their inconsideration is mitigated by telling themselves that they're providing employment in an area where the unemployment figures are high . But perhaps I am naive and they simply could not give a dam and like so many businesses these days profit is all that matters regardless of the detriment to others, to the environment and so on. I will  give them the benefit of the doubt and try not to take it personally although my anger is mounting and I am on the verge of really losing my cool. I feel I cannot cope anymore and just want to get away.

This factory and it's activities have made it impossible for me to enjoy my home and feel settled here, it feels as though my home  is not really a permanent place and I take little joy in living here but feel just too ill to move. My health has most definitely deteriorated since moving here. Yesterday I fell asleep whilst travelling as a passenger in the car in the middle of the afternoon I had no energy and simple could not be bothered to do anything even get out the car. We had gone out for the day but I was just too exhausted with fatigue and stress to really appreciated it.

September 28th

We went to look at the plans for the proposed extension. I felt quite ill. The extension is nearly half as big again as the entire factory complex.  Moreover they have  included on the application form the hours they will work and guess what it includes Sunday. Surely there must be some laws concerning working on a Sunday... I doubt it silly me thinking we lived in an advanced society were the rights of individuals were protected. Mind you I must not jump to conclusions and catastrophize, the planning permission has not been agreed at this this stage, but it is more or less a foregone conclusion and I if I were a gambler it would be a sure bet that they will receive planning permission.

My neighbour who rang yesterday seemed less enthused and I feel so alone with this. Most people are apathetic unless they are personally affected and even than most of my neighbours could care less. I said yesterday to someone that even if I were deaf I would do my utmost to get this stopped because it is wring wrong wrong it is as simple as that. Mind you what appears to be apathy may in fact be a normal reaction inasmuch as most people will try to get on with their lives and are not as preoccupied with this as am I. Who knows, no one can really tell what is in the mind of another.

What is going to happen to my life as I am now significantly effected by my fibromyaliga which is very bad right now the ache in my body is bordering on pain I feel as though I am stiff and my muscles feel like lead. I put this increase in symptoms down to the added stress and the continuing sleep deprivation. I wonder now if my life will ever be happy or that anything ever will go right here. Moving house will involve weeks of misery and anxiety and even than who knows it seems as though we are all fated my husband, son and I to never have any kind of fulfilling life not even mild contentment, it appears to be one round of suffering after another.

September 29th

Caution!  If you are severely effected by religious OCD and feel anxiety reading about a variety of different religions it might be better to avoid this entry.

Well perhaps it is time for something more positive, a constant round of negative entries really does little of any good to anyone, at least not to the exclusion of something more encouraging. And all of us save perhaps the severely depressed can find something a little more positive to talk or in this case to write about. Mostly I do not think it a good idea to discuss subjects that may give raise to controversy, the obvious being religion and politics, both of which I can get rather passionate about and love to discuss or sometimes argue about. But not discussing certain aspects of religious or philosophical issues can be quite limiting as so much can be gained by discussing such issues sensibility and with a view to improving one‘s lot as a sufferer of OCD and any of the other mental health problems discussed on this site. Notwithstanding my OCD problems with religious/scrupulosity both religion and philosophy is of great interest to me and often my mood may be lightened after reading of matters of a spiritual or philosophical nature.

I do not wish to go into any great discussion about my own particular beliefs or lack thereof. I am interested in religion and philosophy as a subject but when it comes to religion as a way of life I tend to adopt the pick and mix philosophy of new age thinking. I am however particularly interested in Buddhism, Taoism and Neo Paganism but as I have already said I maintain a keen interest in just about anything religious, philosophical or metaphysical. I do not adhere to any religion in it's entirety merely practicing the facet of any belief system which appeals to me. Religion is for me mainly a fascinating interest. Basically for the most part, because of my OCD fears concerning death, I have doubts concerning the possibility of an after life however notwithstanding such doubts  I still hold out hope albeit small that maybe a part of me will survive death. However this unbelief in a life after death may be a result of my OCD as you can have delusional thinking patterns concerning just about anything in existence or non existence. In fact your thinking can become quite delusional with OCD. Often with OCD your mind conjures up all manner of fears and anxieties and often you do not really know anymore who you are or what you think or which part of your thinking is the real you and which part is the OCD. I guess that what I am trying to say basically is that OCD gets in the way of accepting any kind of religious belief with any real normality as OCD distorts your perception of the world in everyway imaginable, and this of course will include religious belief. To put it this way if I did not have OCD perhaps my beliefs concerning religion and life after death would be different. At least this is my experience, with others it may well be different, many sufferers seem to be able to accommodate a more normal attitude to religion.

However as religion plays a role in my OCD my religious belief will of course be greatly effected by my OCD thinking. Nonetheless religion is important to me and I can gain a much better insight on life not only as a sufferer of OCD but as a person trying to live a better life for myself and others. Religious belief need not depend on ones belief either in a creator God or an after life, religion can be about anything and about finding some meaning to ones existence right here right now. Even an out right atheist may glean something from religion or philosophy. And one does not need to believe in God to gain some help or perspective throughout one’s life from either Buddhism or Taoism. Both of these religions have much to offer as ways to improve our lives. Most certainly Buddhism is not dependent on a belief in any kind of God. A good deal of advice given in all religions can help us to live our lives more happily and more fulfilling. Like the saying all roads lead to Rome it matters not which religion we believe in or do not believe in, there is something of value in all religions and much comfort can be gained from reading inspirational books and learning and practicing the many life enhancing ideas taught by  many philosophers throughout the ages, ideas and advice which may help us get through the difficult times or help us to understand why we sufferer.

Lets look at a couple of instances of good advice taken from religious teachings which give insight into suffering and how it may be mitigated. You do not have to believe in either religion or any religion to follow such advice.

Buddha taught that all suffering occurs within the mind, the mind is the architect of all our suffering:  "All that we are is the result of what we have thought; it is founded on our thoughts, it is made of our thoughts" Buddha. We as sufferers of mental health problems know this only too well as most of our suffering does indeed occur in the mind. Suffering in most of us arises within the mind or at the least is enhanced by the mind. Even physical suffering can be made worse by what we are thinking, such as when feelings of resentment arise, frustrations, anger, wishing things were otherwise all make psychical suffering much worse as I can indeed testify. Suffering can often be manifested in general terms such as unfulfilled desire: for instance wanting things we cannot have, material things; or wanting situations to be different, wishing we were better looking, better educated, more out going, more successful, well the list is endless. All such longings add to the burden of our misery, all such longings and the consequent misery arise from the mind.  Yes I know that we cannot help what occurs within our minds. We have no control over thoughts which arise unbidden. However recognising that some of these thoughts add to our misery and may be responsible for the awful feelings of dissatisfaction all of us may feel regardless of whether or not we suffer a mental health problem, may help us to more clearly understand what is happening within our lives and how our moods are effected by such thoughts.

For instance my trips out into the hills and mountains in my locality are spoiled not only by my OCD, headaches, Fibromyalgia and so on, but such outings are also marred because of my  constant longing to live in places of natural beauty, places far from the noise and clamour of my life where I live at present. Often both my husband and I see houses we like, the more remote the better, such houses are neither big nor grand but they are in locations which are peaceful and are real idylls of tranquillity and we comment on how much we would like to live here or there. Often I say I would love to live anywhere here ( the Lake District, The Yorkshire Dales, The Yorkshire moors , the Durham Dales and the Northumbria Hills)  even in a caravan, a shed anywhere! Moving to such localities is impossible.  Sometimes such longings make me depressed. I am ashamed to admit this but you cannot help such thoughts occurring but if you recognise what is happening than it is more likely that you can perhaps do something to mitigate the effects of such longings which you know deep inside will never be fulfilled. For instance thoughts of this nature and their negative effects may be mitigated by trying to not dwell on such thoughts and in stead occupying ones thinking else where. Such thoughts are not OCD as such, they' re simply the desires and cravings for things to be different than the way they are, everyone of course is subjected to such thoughts from time to time and for this reason they are perhaps easier to set aside than are the more frightening and persistent intrusive thoughts of OCD.  Such useless rumination only accentuates your OCD or other mental health problems by making you more depressed and dissatisfied and even stressed, all of which may heighten your OCD symptoms. Moreover if I am constantly lamenting the fact that I cannot live in these desirable places,  I miss my time there right in the now while I am in the hills and as a result I am marring my enjoyment desiring something that will never be. 

Jesus said, "Take no thought for tomorrow." This again is good advice for everyone, regardless of belief or unbelief it is simply sensible advice. Often when we are feeling perhaps a bit better and are more relaxed and there is nothing of any immediate concern to worry about - I must admit that for me this is rare - this time can be spoiled by fears of impending problems, fears of tomorrow in other words. As I have said before often on Sundays I am more depressed thinking about the difficulties which I have to face either real or imagined in the coming week.

I know only too well that such advice as not thinking about tomorrow and living one day at a time is easier said that done. I am sadly rarely able to compartmentalise my life quite so easily as worrying thoughts return again and again, and the more one tries to dismiss them the more they present themselves. However not withstanding this difficulty which is part and parcel of  OCD somehow it is helpful to be mindful of what is happening, at least such awareness helps us to be forewarned of such thoughts arsing and we may therefore be better able to prepare ourselves. For instance by keeping busy occupying the mind with other things as much as possible.

Sunday for me can be the most depressing and stressful day of the entire week mostly because I worry so much about what may occur in the coming week. I try to have a traditional restful Sunday,  I try to sit about and veg out which unfortunately for OCDers like myself only leaves us open to the increased torment of OCD and such worries take on huge and exaggerated proportion while the mind is not occupied. Therefore to avoid this occurring I need to intensively occupy my mind, hours of watching TV is not enough - at least not for me. My mind has to be occupied with something complex, for instance working on the computer. Most of us can finding something which absorbs our minds and mitigates the onslaught of OCD. It is by no means easy and there will of course be times in ones life during dire circumstances when nothing will take your mind off your troubled situation whether real or imagined. However for all other times it is indeed helpful to try and divert ones attention by being occupied instead of spoiling a good day thinking about tomorrow.

So there is much to be gained by including such advice within our lives regardless of our beliefs or unbelief. Sometimes I can get so bogged down in the misery of my existence that I can quite forget just how helpful it can be too read inspirational books, self help books and books of a religious and philosophical nature. I forget just how beneficial such books can be. I understand of course that reading for those of us who suffer with anxiety disorders can be difficult due to a variety of problems such as an inability to concentrate or to comprehend what you have read. How many of you when reading a book have turned over the page only to find that you cannot recall one single thing you have read. How often have you read and reread a sentence, over and over and still it makes no sense at all and you still cannot  recall or understand what you have read, and the more you try the more you become confused and your ability to concentrate diminishes still further. Most of us I would imagine from my own experience suffer brain fog, that cotton wool feeling in our heads after reading and concentrating after only a short time. I have these and many other problems which can inhibit my ability to read.

During a recent time of my life, some eight or nine years ago now, my headaches and migraine where so severe that I could not read at all and it was this inability to read that was one of the worst things, apart from the severity of the pain of course ,that I most hated about my headaches. I really missed reading, it helped to take my mind away from my unhappiness and my fearful imaginings. I read all kind of books but mostly spiritual, new age, self help and travel books - mostly to places of religious interest such as Tibet, India ,Bhutan  and similar places. Such books helped me to transcend to some extent the misery that was my life. Yes there were and still are significant OCD generated problems with reading at the best of times and one in particular caused great difficulty and that was my fear of a certain number. I have mentioned this before I know in my blog so I will not go into great detail. Suffice it to say that the avoidance of this number made reading difficult as I feared that any association with this number would bring about bad luck usually death or disaster. I could not leave a chapter with this number book marked nor the previous or following chapter as I felt they were near the unlucky numbered chapter, so that meant I had to read three chapters in one sitting. And if these chapters where long this was indeed stressful. And when the headaches became severe this of course was most difficult and mostly impossible as it was not easy for me to read more than a few sentences. How missed my reading, I worried that this pleasure would be denied to me for good and when the headaches become more tolerable and I was once again able to read I was delighted.

Yet now I often neglect this very helpful pastime. I find it difficult to concentrate and tend to feel less motivated to cope with the problem with the unlucky number which is still a significant issue even if I do not have a headache. Sometimes there simply is not the time to read three chapters all at once. Yes I know the ideal solution would be to try to overcome this compulsion and I have tried many times and it has always returned to haunt me. But it is not just this superstitious problem concerning this number. There is also the malaise, the apathy and lack of motivation and yes lack of time. I seem to have so little time. My OCD of course means things take longer, everything including this writing , this website, cooking a meal, cleaning the house, the ironing, my artwork everything is effected by my OCD and takes longer. But reading is something I need to try to include once again in to my life as so much may be gained from reading, particularly uplifting and encouraging literature.

Even if we can find just a little  time to read something uplifting and positive it is well worth it. If you can cope with nothing else it can be of benefit to read a book of inspiring quotations which are often less complicated and get to the point more quickly. Mind you if you have managed to wade through all this rambling of mine you are doing well indeed.

The following is link to a website from which many of the quotations used in this website are taken. The Quote Garden - A Harvest of Quotes for Word Lovers - Quotations

I am determined to allow myself some time each day, even if it is only half an hour it is better than nothing. Yes it is true it can be quite difficult to concentrate not merely due to external irritations such as noise and other disturbances, but also the mental intrusions, the maelstrom of tumultuous thoughts, persistent worries and other torments are significant distractions.   Notwithstanding such difficulties usually I glean something of value from my reading even though I do not necessarily recall much of what I have read. Sometimes if all you can do is dip in to short sections of a book it is still better than nothing.

Now and again I hope to share with you books that I have read or are reading mostly of a religious and philosophical nature which I have found have helped me get through and have been  uplifting or have helped me gain a more helpful and positive perspective. May be this will only occur whist actually reading the book and afterwards despite all our best intentions we may find that nothing much has changed and we soon forget all that helpful advice we have read. Nonetheless it is still helpful to read books that encourage positive thinking and actions even if we cannot carry them out.  I know, as I have already pointed out, that when you' re stressed it is in fact difficult to even recall or make sense of what you read. But whatever the duration of any positive feelings we may gain it is surely more helpful and more useful than an continual round of negativity.

As anyone who has read some of my recent entries will know I am dreading the autumn and the winter months as this time of year seems to accentuate the problems I have. I have taken some comfort from a book I bought in Glastonbury this year. (click this link where I tell you about my holiday in Glastonbury) .

The book is entitled Earth Wisdom by Glennie Kindred.
 

The book is described under the subject category of mind body and spirit but is mainly based upon the beliefs of earth religions. It contains a new way for us to look at the world as it draws from Celtic traditions. The following is part of the blurb on the back cover :
"Earth Wisdom is a heart warming mixture of the  spiritual. the practical and the proactive. It includes imaginative ways to experience the seasonal cycles; our relationship with the Earth, the trees and plants, personal growth and inner renewal".

The following is a short extract from the autumn equinox section called Clearing Out the Old. It is positive advice for anyone at this time of year, particularly those of us who greet the onset of autumn with a rather negative attitude.

"In our gardens at this time of year, we prune and cut back, clearing away all the old growth that has finished, so that plants can consolidate their strength for the winter. This also encourages new growth in the spring. 

In our lives, too, it is a good time to make decisions about what we want to give priority to, what to cut back and what to strengthen. Clear out what is no longer helping you - outworn modes of behaviour, old patterns and habits that are holding you back and the physical things associated with them. Clearly and with gratitude make a statement of intent to cut these things out of your life. Visualise cutting yourself free from them. Focus on the new shoots that will grow from these actions."

It is a great book to dip into from time to time and it is a distraction from the more difficult aspects of my life as well as providing interest and inspiration.


September 30th

Just checking, again!. Yes I know it seems so sad and what a waste of time but I do get so anxious about what I have written and on some occasions I simply have to go back and check, maybe months after publication, just to assure myself that what I have written is not as awful or as harmful as my tormented mind thinks. There may not be anything harmful - at least I hope not but of course sometimes this is a matter of perspective- but oh do I get some shocks now and again concerning errors with such words as effected and affected. I always get these two word muddled up and have to check time and time again that I have the correct word - well okay I obsess time and time again. One of the difficulties about these two words is that others also get them confused and when I see that someone has used the word in the wrong context I begin to question if I have used it correctly. This occurs with other words, simple words such as were and where, as and has, I make so many silly mistakes no matter how many times I have checked. Sometimes I type  words in the wrong order and still  do not notice despite all my checking. Odd how I do not notice at the time that I have written the wrong word despite all my checking and it is only when I do these random spot checks that I notice it. What is it with me, is there something wrong with my brain which fails to see such mistakes at the time. It is as though my brain sees what it expects to see rather than what is actually there.

.No big deal I know unless you have OCD and you are a perfectionist. Mistakes with grammar and so on are not nearly as worrying as thinking you have written something harmful or offensive by mistake. I  know I have not of course, at least on some vague level of awareness but nonetheless I am overwhelmed with the possibility that I may have. It is not so much a concern that I will write down something obvious, as say for instance a blasphemous thought or a deliberately provocative statement, not it is more the concern that I will inadvertently upset someone by mentioning something that may set in motion a new obsession; make existing obsessions worse; or give advice or even make comments that will bring about some dire consequence.  The torment is horrendous and causes me to consume endless hours with ruminations and worrying. Such as the above entry, oh boy did I ruminate about sharing my religious views and so on, sheer torture. I know so well from my own religious OCD how frightening religion can become, so I am very wary indeed, yet feel much of use can be overlooked if I do not mention this subject.. To relieve this torment I must take this opportunity to add that whatever I write is written with the best of intentions and I apologize if anything I say causes any feelings of unease, upset or difficulty of any kind for anyone.

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.

All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.

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