The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

October 2007

Links to recommended blogs:

Gristmill: The environmental news blog |

This blog is part of Grist Magazine's website, a magazine dedicated to environmental issues.

Positive Attitude Quotes, Free Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular Motivativational sayings.

A good selection of interesting quotations

October 1st

I feel irritable most of the time and impatient, does anyone else feel this way? Is it the result of so many years of torment that I am now so tense and on a short fuse that sometimes I can tolerate nothing nor no one. Not being able to find things makes me irritable.  People who do not understand what I am trying to tell them makes me irritable frustrated and noticeably cranky although I endeavour to try and keep such feelings suppressed. In fact there so many minor causes of irritation that drive me crazy the list would be too long to include here.

While writing this I have just had a horrible thought about someone, I hate this and become anxious if I have such a thought. So anxious I have to touch wood or say something like “I don't mean it” over and over until I feel I have mitigated the thoughts, that the thought has lost its power. I can’t help these thoughts they come unbidden, they enter my mind in a split second there is no chance to stop them, the thought or even the essence of a thought, it is there. The whole thought need not form just the vague idea is enough. So it is useless to fight against them as you cannot prevent the essence of the thought even if you are able to prevent the entire thought from forming. The essence results in just as much anxiety as the entire thought. Right now while writing this such thoughts are struggling to enter, my mind aches with the strain of trying to ward them off for despite the futility of such an effort I try nonetheless. The more I try to prevent these thoughts the more they persistent they become. I try singing a song in my head quickly an attempt to over ride the insistence of these thoughts . Some times with effort they finally fade away. But sometimes they return and are more persistent.  Such is the torment of OCD.

These thoughts are not always consistent, I do have plenty of awful thoughts about people and often verbally say some unpleasant things about people, and often they are deserved as there are of course a lot of horrible people in this world and we all say disparaging things about people don’t we. But these thoughts are not like that, these thoughts are generated by OCD they have a different feel and quality to them not easily explained, although I am certain that if you have such thoughts as part of your OCD you will know what I mean.

Often this aspect of OCD is overlooked whilst attention remains on the most common manifestations. And oftentimes this internal OCD can be more destructive, as there is nothing to relieve it and the often than not the internal compulsions attached to this kind of unwanted thought really do little to mitigate it and may in fact make it worse, as of course your attention becomes increasingly focused on the thoughts while you are struggling to dispel them with the consequence that they increase rather that decrease.

It is a constant battle day in and day out with OCD, not just the compulsions but the thoughts which present, such as the type of OCD thought above, often such thoughts clutter your mind, if it is not one thing than its another and sometimes these internal thoughts and compulsions are difficult to dispel. No one can see I am having a battle with OCD as they do when I am frantically washing my hands or checking the locks or even having a meltdown borne of these frustrations.

The consequence is I become irritable and cranky over the least little thing. Also the constant problems with headaches and all the other complaints from which I suffer increase my tension and heighten my stress levels . I know that all of this is no excuse. I hate myself for being cranky but I do have a lot to cope with but of course so do others. However the torment of the mind is difficult to bear, after ones whole life has been a constant battle it becomes more and more difficult to present a normal placid demeanour and lately such is becoming increasingly impossible.

October 2nd

The following is a link to an on-line petition and concerns a threat to the survival of polar bears and is rather immediate as it closes on the 5th October. The petition may be signed by anyone from any country.

"In as few as 50 years, America's polar bears could be gone.

...it's time to protect polar bears and their melting homes. Sign our petition to submit your official public comment urging the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to protect polar bears from extinction! "

Protect Polar Bears from Extinction! Petition
 

I would be grateful if you can sign this petition however please do not feel any obligation. People who visit this website may indeed be far too stressed or depressed to do so. With our conditions an action may seem easy enough to one perosn while to another it is a huge effort or it brings about far too much stress. A psychologist once said to me you should never do anything for another that is of detriment to yourself. So please do not feel pressured by these occasional on-line petitions.  There are times when I am unable to participate for one reason or another. But sometimes it helps to feel as though we are part of something and have some part in improving the undesirable events and circumstances in the world. But we can only do as much or as little as we are able.

October 3rd

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Frank Herbert, Dune

Sometimes I simply can’t focus, stick to what I am doing, my thoughts are all dispersed fragmented. I can be struggling to paint one minute , and believe me at times like this it is a struggle just to sit and get on with it, the next minute I begin to feel restless and think that perhaps I should be doing this or that. Today is one of those days and I flit between my computer and my painting and consequently my attempts at painting fail. Not knowing where to focus may attention nothing much of anything is achieved.

Right now my husband is watching arachnophobia! UUggghhh right after the horrid experience last week when without any warning a huge image of a spider appeared on the TV as described in a previous entry. I still have that imagine in my mind’s eye although only vaguely now, but I don’t want it enhanced further with yet another dose of spiders. I have to shout before I enter the sitting room, through which I have to pass on my rather aimless ADD wanderings as I flit from one activity to another, for him to stop the video . I don’t know how he can watch it. My son is out thank goodness I think he finds it difficult even if he is occupied elsewhere in the house, just knowing it is on the TV . I can’t understand how my husband can watch it, he actually thinks spiders are wonderful creatures , perhaps they are but when you are phobic to the extent you can’t even bear to look at one a lot of the wonder goes. I of course would never intentionally harm any creature as many do out of fear. However if one was crawling on me I would instantly panic screaming and try to brush it off than feel guilty if it has been accidentally harmed but the reaction is just so instinctive.

What is it about spiders, it appears to be an old fear, a primal fear almost innate in many people. If you are extremely phobic you might not even like reading or talking about spiders and I had thought to give a warning that this and the previous entry concerned spiders. But thought perhaps that is rather excessive as the same could also apply to anything of which we are afraid. I don’t like talking or reading about rabies because of my OCD although not a phobia as such but rather an OCD thing it nonetheless precipitates a phobic like reaction. Also many people do not like to look at rodents, insects ,snakes to name just a few of the more common phobias. But one can be phobic of anything. I recall a lady at work who was in retrospect very neurotic, she could not look at photographs of cats or kittens , incredible as it may seem she was extremely phobic about these creatures. I cannot of course speak for this lady as I have no idea about her reasons, her thoughts or feeling in this regard; was this extreme reaction to a photograph the result of some kind of aversion after all this seems impossible as cats are cute furry creatures unlike the rather ugly spider. Yet people have an aversion to a rat or mouse which are equally cute furry creatures . Perhaps her reaction which made her look away the instant a photograph appeared in her line of vision was because her fear of cats was so strong that a visual reminder triggered those dreadful overwhelming feelings which we who suffer phobias know only too well to avoided at all costs. However I think with spiders the fear is perhaps more acute, more on an aversion level. But maybe this is also true of the lady with the phobia about cats, maybe her reaction was an aversion, a revulsion, perhaps she did not perceive a cute furry creature perhaps she saw it in the same way as we see a spider as ugly... but hey not everyone see a spider as ugly.. My whole point of course, which I have the notion I am not explaining too well


We are all so different aren’t we concerning our fears and most people have some sort of phobia to a degree even if it is not severe enough to seek help. However arachnophobia is common and it like all phobias and disorders can vary from mild to very severe, when most definitely medical intervention is required as in the case of the unfortunate man cited in the previous entry. When any phobia or behaviour begins to interfere with our lives it is a problem even though to others it might appear insignificant even silly. I am mildly phobic about spiders if one suddenly appears I scream and quickly dash out of the room or wherever. If there is one on the bed which happens occasionally, although not often thank goodness, if my husband cannot find it to remove it I can’t sleep in that room. If there is one on the ceiling I fear it will fall on my face. When I was on a type of beta blocker, not the ones I take now,  I would have hallucinations directly after waking. This is a rare side effect and does not happen to everyone and only not with every type of beta blocker. Often these hallucinations where just odd rather like a dream, for instance mechanical men riding the backs of fish outside my bedroom window but one time I had an hallucination about a huge gigantic spider in the corner of the room, a terrifying experience to say the least. . Another time a huge beetle on my bed. . I don’t like beetles either but they are not in the same league as spiders although they induce considerable anxiety and aversion. In fact most creatures with more than four legs causes anxiety except creatures like woodlice.

You know writing all this is actually making me feel anxious as it is late in the evening not long before bedtime and I need to soon try and rid my mind of these thoughts precipitated by writing about these experiences, even though it was a long time ago there still remains a vague image but more so a good deal of anxiety. I stopped taking these pills not because of the hallucinations, I did not tell my doctor although I should have but I hoped they would get my migraine under control as this was when my migraine and tension headaches became a huge and extremely incapacitating problem even more so than now. So I guess my fear of migraine rather mitigated my fear of having these awful hallucinations.. But again I digress this ramble is about phobias.

But other than these incidences and the occasional confrontation with these sources of my fears for the most part my relatively mild phobia concerning spiders and others creepy crawlies does not greatly interfere with my life. Perhaps with the exception though with flying ants in July which I admit in recent years has become increasingly a source of anxiety when in late July early August they fly I feel the clutch of anxiety each time I have to leave house should this be the day that they take to the air and land indiscriminately . And if by ill fortune this occurs the fear is quite profound a dreadful pervasive fear .

What makes some people phobic about one thing and other people phobic about another which you yourself have no fear. A former friend of ours showed some mild anxiety when she came for coffee because of a stuffed rat a soft toy or rather rats as there was more than one. Now most people would not imagine that a person with OCD would like rats and of course if one presented itself I would panic but not as a consequence of the fear of the rat as such but rather the microscopic life form which they as indeed all creatures including ourselves harbour: bacteria or a viruses. Yes indeed with rats, like dogs it is the fear of rabies but there is no underlying secondary phobic or anxiety response as there is with dogs. Both rats and dogs are not averse to look at as is a spider dogs and rats are well...cute I have ornaments and soft toys of rats and dogs. How complex it all is all these fears and anxieties.

Phobias it would appear do not manifest in the same way. The nature of the presentation of phobias are different. There is what I would term the pure raw phobia that solicits an immediate and overwhelming fear that is often also accompanied by aversion or utter revulsion such as phobias concerning spiders or insects or snakes even. My mother could not bear for one instance to look at a snake. Than there are the type of phobia which simply involves fear and the immediate avoidance of the object of ones fears such as thunderstorm phobia. My mother would hide on the stairs and close all the doors. All phobias however can become more complex and evolve into obsessive phobias for instance checking the bedroom, stripping the bed to ascertain that there are no spiders or checking the weather reports to be alerted to possible thunderstorms and thereafter not going out. In these instances phobias may become more OCD like. My mother did not have this aspect to her phobias yet many do. Mother had a fear of hospitals and the dentist so much so that only in extreme circumstance would she enter a hospital she often asked our great aunt to take my sister and I for hospital and dentists appointments as she could not cope with this fear even though she was not having any treatment herself. She found it difficult to watch hospital dramas on TV an avoided any reminders of her fears. She also feared tunnels and would not use the underground under any circumstances, even during the blitz in world war two when many people sought safety in the underground my mother would remain at home preferring to face the bombs and possible injury or death.

What causes phobias? Are we genetically predisposed to becoming phobic? This is most likely a possibly at least in instances where the phobia is very severe and is of considerable detriment to normal functioning much the same way as OCD, which also presents in the general population in minor quirks or idiosyncratic behaviours. Also like OCD the nature of the phobia may be determined by ones upbringing, culture and past experiences.

Often it is considered that phobias are learnt conditions bought about by copying the reactions of parents. For instance the scenario of your mother hiding beneath the stairs during a thunder storm will result in you becoming phobic to thunderstorms. In my personal experience this is not the case. In fact quite the contrary as far from being afraid of thunderstorms I actually enjoy them, and find them exhilarating although there is some anxiety if am outside during a storm. However I believe that it my have been my mother’s fear of dentists that instilled this fear into my sister and I , at least it appears that way, nonetheless this is of course not conclusive. My mother also had ophidiophobia , snake phobia, which neither I nor my sister where it seems subjected to. Certainly Lynda's agoraphobia did not result from either my mother or father . In fact my father appeared to have no fear at all.

The nature of individual Phobias I imagine are perhaps related to past experiences and often we can trace back a newer phobia to an event which we can clearly recall. For instance many people are phobic about dogs because as a child they may have been bitten by one or severely traumatised by confrontation with one . Such as an experience I had as a child concerning a nasty tempered spaniel which used to roam loose in the streets and bark and bark whenever it saw me. Also fear can I imagine arise from being forewarned too often and too explicitly of possible dangers. Again concerning dogs my mother was always anxious about my sister and I playing with a group of children in the neighbourhood because they owned a dog which had bitten one of children but the parents had refused to get rid of it and it would always accompany them in the street. I recall how fearful I was of this dog, how my heart would pound whenever it came near although it unlike the spaniel never barked or showed aggression. I have an OCD problem with dogs and the fear of contracting rabies but underneath this there is still that phobic anxiety and if some miracle happened and my OCD went away or focused its torment on some other aspect there would still be a certain anxiety about dogs possibly borne from these negative experiences with dogs.

However what brings about more complex phobias such as agoraphobia or social phobia? It was once thought that agoraphobia was the result of a more generalised fear of hopelessness or abandonment the result of an uncaring mother. Rather reminds me of the refrigerator mother hypothesis concerning the cause of autism which like this idea about agoraphobia is now no longer considered a valid explanation.

My sister had agoraphobia, she also had social phobia but this arose from her social ineptness and inability to interact with others and I now suspect in light of my personal research into Asperger syndrome that she may have had AS or at least significant traits and her social anxiety resulted from this. You can read my article about agoraphobia and my sister’s experiences with this condition , and also a short account of her life.
Lynda's Story and A Day in the Life of an Agoraphobic. I can’t actually recall when my sister’s agoraphobia began as she had been anxious all her life. I do not think however it was precipitated as a result of either fears of abandonment or a traumatic experience while away from home . Rather it developed gradually over a period of time . Being unemployed for a short time may have enhanced it but over a few years her periphery of existence declined until Lynda found half confined to her home. After a while her phobia was made worse as a result of panic disorder most often experienced when or if she went out.

It is often said that agoraphobia is the most disabling of phobias. And you will find this assumption stated in a couple of the articles linked below. However in my personal opinion one cannot of course make such generalisations. Certainly arachnophobia is an incapacitating condition and is perhaps more complex than say a straightforward phobia of, for instance, rats or dogs. However any phobia I believe in extreme cases may intrude upon all aspects of ones life and become just as incapacitating. For instance if you fear leaving the house going for walk in the countryside because you may encounter a dog or a mouse for example. And remember the case of the man who took his own life becasue of arachnophobia phobia.

I can hear screaming as am preparing the evening meal in the adjacent kitchen. I can’t understand the entertainment value in films such as arachnophobia. If you are afraid of spiders of course you would not but if you are not afraid of spiders than just what is the attraction of people being invaded by hoards of spiders! All rather boring and pointless I would imagine. It is not the same as a suspense movie or an horror movie where there it seems is some entertainment value in the element of suspense or even apprehension. I recall when I was hospitalised for my OCD on the depressives ward where most of the patients where either depressed or had anxiety to such a degree that many jumped at the least little sound. Nonetheless everyone without exception made a point of coming into the lounge the night of the first TV showing of Alien which when it first came out was indeed an edge of the seat suspense movie, but which after about the second or third one most people became rather desensitised. Yes it was horrifying, revolting, shocking but frightening in the same way as films like arachnophobia? Possible not at least for me. It is difficult to explain the difference.

Horror films allow us to experience the sensation of fear and apprehension in safety and for the most part I can watch an horror film although in recent years I rarely do so as most in my opinion are nothing more than excuses for gratuitous violence or excessive special effects which are nothing more than revolting. It is not easy to explain the intricacies of fear. One can find such films bring about a certain level of apprehension, make one jittery perhaps although I have to say though that I am now desensitised to the modern horror films. Why one can watch one type of film and not another. I imagine if one had a specific phobia, that even being subjected to it vicariously by watching a film, one still cannot cope as ones personal phobia is almost innate and a deep seated fear personal to ones self. One may feel unexpected apprehension during a film where one expects to be so effected but if it does not involve a phobic fear the sensation is altogether quite different. .

The newer Stephen Spielberg film adaptation of H.G. Well’s War of the Worlds was for me a film that bought about an unusual sense of anxiety, yet there was no phobia involved, yes it has the tension of an edge-of-the-seat movie yet their was something different not easily identified or explained . I'm a SF fan so looked forward to seeing this much rehashed story and did not expect to experience the almost anxiety attack type of feeling. I can’t put my finger on it, I did not feel this way watching independence day which was loosely based upon the same novel . I was not the only one to feel the sensation of dread rather like that nameless feeling of dread referred to as free floating anxiety. It was not the obvious subject matter of the film but the film induced that fight or flight response due to a nameless dread.

What I am trying to say is that phobic fear is different to other causes of fear it feels somehow innate, personal, more real even though for the most part phobic fear is irrational . We can have many phobias and other conditions which give rise to fear, such as OCD which has a phobic like quality, but still we can watch a horror movie, but not if it involves our particular phobia. Phobic fear is an altogether different type of fear and in no circumstances is there any pleasure or entertainment value in creating this type of fear.

I think that most people have a phobic fear along with their primary anxiety disorder , I have dentist phobia, arachnophobia , fear of tunnels. However phobias can be your primary condition. yes most certainly phobias such as agoraphobia and scoial phobia but any phobia can become a primary condition , a serious detriment with the ability to seriously effect your quality of life and as such should never be lightly dismissed.

Phobias

Fighting Phobias, the Things That Go Bump in the Mind

October 4th

Please bear mind I do not promote any religion and tend to be agnostic at best but have a keen interest and fascination for religion, metaphysics, the supernatural and the like.

Sometimes I think that I could have been a Jain monk in a former incarnation. Now please do not take that statement literally. It is merely an introduction into a discussion about my attitude to living things and how this has become enmeshed in my OCD. (As explained in a previous entry there is much research into the possibility that there exists another subtype of OCD where by the sufferer of OCD has an ASD co existing with his or her OCD. Therefore it is likely many of you who fit into this category will have a tendency, as do I, of taking such statements literally because people with an ASD including AS are apt to take such statements literally.) So again I assure you that concerning a belief in reincarnation that this is not the case, although such thoughts as reincarnation do rise from time to time when one is considering why one has the obsessions one has, when one asks oneself from where do such thoughts arise. As a matter of interest Jung expressed the opinion that neurotics in times passed would have been religious ascetics and that neurosis is now the more modern way of channelling such tendencies. Whether or not this is a valid idea or that I have entirely comprehended Jung on this matter, the idea I would image would not extend itself to the possibility of reincarnation and the effects that ones former life has on ones present day neurosis. In any case neuroses such as OCD I now firmly believe are neurological rather than purely psychological. I do not believe in reincarnation but like everything else of that nature one cannot be 100 percent certain. It is relatively easy in some instances to prove that something exists but to prove that something does not is often impossible particularly when it comes to such beliefs.

Janis are a religious sect indigenous to India. They value the sanctity of life to such an extent as to be considered by many in the west to be extreme. A Jain monk in particular has to avoid taking the life of any creature however lowly and this extends in some circumstances to include plants and microscopic animals, although lay people are not expected to take this to this extreme. A Jain monk for instance is not allowed to walk on grass. This I imagine is becasue he may harm the creatures which live there but also becasue this does harm to the grass. But walking on the bare ground could have the same results you might think. For a Jain monk or nun however he or she is required to gently brush the path before them to avoid stepping on tiny creatures, also masks are worn to cover the mouth and nose in order to prevent inhaling tiny creatures. But the whys and wherefores of Jainism is beyond the subject of this blog or this website and the precise intricacies have little relevancy to what I am about to tell you about my OCD. I am however rather curious to know the Jain religion's standing on harmful microscopic life such as bacteria and viruses. If you re interested here is a useful link. BBC - Religion & Ethics - Jainism

Suffice it to say Janis have a very high regard for the sanctity of life.

I am a lactose free vegetarian. This means I do not consume meat or use animal products, no leather shoes or handbags. I do not consume dairy products and only eat free range eggs. Yes to many this may seem extreme but this is not as problematic as you may think and it not of any detriment to my life. Moreover my vegetarianism was not a result of my OCD because I feel no fear, anxiety or compulsion of any kind attached to this way of life. I am not a vegetarian for health reasons but rather because I have a high regard for the sanctity of life, for the right of every sentient being to life. This has nothing to do with any religious belief I hasten to add. Rather it is borne from my fear of death, being fearful of death myself I do not wish to inflict this upon any other creature. Harmful microbial life , germs, viruses, are of course not included in this as I have severe contamination OCD. Many years ago now a psychiatrist tried to play upon this philosophy concerning the sanctity of life in an attempt to try to stop my hand washing by trying to get me to include microbial life forms in such considerations . But according to my normal persona which lies beneath the neurosis I do not believe that bacteria and viruses are sentient and to my way of thinking are not alive as a cat or dog or even a tiny ant. So killing them does not count although from time to time the thought crosses my mind and I tend to ruminate upon the matter. Invariably though my OCD contamination fears predominate.

But nonetheless there is this grey area with OCD in which it can intrude on this particular life style of mine, but I do recognise it as OCD rather than a new dimension to my world view on not causing harm or bringing about the death of any creature. The most obscured exception is the tiny creatures which dwell in soft furniture, cushions, pillows and the like: dust mites. I have written about this dilemma in my blog on a couple of occasions and here there can be obsessive compulsive considerations, but this is an ambiguous area, after all dust mites are tiny insects are they not, they are not microbial pathogens. True they cause problems for people with asthma but anyone can have allergies to anything including fur so this does not make the dust mite in general terms an health hazard. As it is not a pathogen I have qualms about killing it which of course would happen if I wash soft furnishing. Yet one has to wash ones pillows or ones duvet. In recent years this has become increasingly more difficult and has caused me some torment and has me putting away items I cannot wash nor throw away because of the fear of harming these creatures. Yes it does seem OCDish as it is perhaps by common consensus over the top and as my son pointed out he doubts that even a devote Buddhist would practice avoiding causing harm to this extreme, but what about a Jain monk? But I am neither, but I have OCD, so in this area my thinking is confused, I either have to wash such items or throw them away but at the present time I exist in a state of limbo. At the time of writing this is a relatively new obsession we are not as yet inundated by hoards of real rubbish, piles of discarded clothing, there are two overcoats that have both became contaminated and I am unable to wear them but cannot wash them or throw them away. There are also a couple of pillows. Also occasionally I have taken the bull by the horns and on impulse before the intrusive thoughts enter my mind I have hurriedly washed amidst mounting anxiety a number of items. However notwithstanding the avoidance and anxiety as of yet this problem has not seriously encroached upon my life although this does add its own complication to a very complex mix. But it is a convoluted issue as I cannot say for sure if this behaviour arises as a result of OCD or a normal reaction for someone with my world view .

You should not consider this issue from your own personal perspective, as from most people’s perspective such is extreme, but from the perspective of my world view it is a dilemma. In fact for most people there would be no similar consideration, not even for those of an extreme religious persuasion as of course the dos and don'ts, the rights and wrongs in such circumstances and the course of action to take would be all mapped out so to speak. I know for instance the more usual perspective of vegetarianism which includes more visible life forms right up to insects such as ants is considered far more normal these days . However I am amazed at how many people call themselves vegetarian when they continue to kill insects and eat fish! However there are stages of vegetarianism but if you take the word literally it means you do not eat meat. But most people would take it to include you don't participate in anything which results in the death either directly or indirectly to an animal, such as wearing leather. Many vegetarians will however use insecticide mainly due to not realising that an insect is an animal. Or if they do their own personal view may exclude such a creature from their own personal ethic. So there are variations in vegetarianism and mine by some considerations maybe extreme. By the way if you eat fish you are referred to as a demi-vegetarian which to my mind is utter nonsense and is rather a contradiction. You are either a vegetarian or you are not and eating fish means you are not, I would imagine this misconception for the most part arises again from ignorance that a fish is an animal, and is comprised of flesh: meat.

So for an OCD sufferer such as myself, any and indeed every aspect of ones existence becomes entwined within the sphere of OCD influence. OCD can turn anything into an obsessive compulsive behaviour and when you find your mind embroiled in such issues you can be sure that this results from the interference of OCD. My Vegetarianism for the most part part is not effected by OCD but these rather grey indefinite areas are subjected to OCD thinking. OCD is extremely adaptive if you like as it lends itself quite readily and indeed insidiously to any and every facet of your life. And it you are not aware of this you can soon be lead away by erroneous thinking that soon develops into very complicated OCD behaviours which are neither easy to spot nor to eradicate. Indecision as to whether or not such thoughts and behaviours are OCD based or arise from your own thinking processes, your likes and dislikes, your world view, your opinions and so on is also a real problem which results in further rumination, confusion and unhappiness.

October 5th


"My goodness!"  my son exclaims "what an Aspie!" He often says this and if there are any doubts that I have AS in addition to my OCD than my son’s almost hourly diagnosis via the method of it taking-one-to-know-one is conclusive. However today this confirmation of my suspected condition is said with much more expression and hilarity than is usually the case; my son often does not have much expression in his voice or mannerisms except about subjects with which he is fascinated or has a strong opinion about. So his reaction rather took me by surprise.

We are having a discussion about the banal cult of the celebrity which went on to become centred upon the cult of the young and beautiful. I said that I cannot understand the craze for and obsession with people such as celebrities and how people of all ages obsess about and even have crushes upon. Not since early adolescence have I had a crush on a celebratory and even than it was relatively mild and may have been in any case more an attempt to fit in with my peers. I used to be a Beatles fan, I liked the music but when pressured at school to pick my favourite Beatle a decision had to be made and I would select George Harrison simply because he was not the most popular member of this group. But such choices were more due to peer pressure rather than actually having a crush on this or that person. The whole concept of passionate fervour for a person I did not know and would never know was beyond my comprehension. For years it has not been easy to admit such things and most certainly as a teenager who was in any case singled out as odd would have been social suicide. Still in adulthood until recently I would rarely admit openly for fear of being perceived as odd. However I am now proud of my oddness as quite honestly by the time one leaves adolescence surely theses thing should have passed into obscurity. Not that I do not have my childish aspect indeed I do. But really for older people fast approaching old age I feel it is absurd to have crushes on or be obsessed with a celebrity, but this is again my perspective and in no way I imply it is wrong it is simply I do not understand such mind sets.

I said to Kevin that I could not understand the experience of having a crush for want of a better word on a person one does not know, most of whom are attractive, as after all looks are not important . At least they are not for me and never have been. I have never had a crush on anyone nor do I experience the feelings others have which I of course can’t describe becasue I have never experienced them, but if you have had such feelings you will know to what I refer, if you have not well than you are like me

Yes if I see an attractive person I mentally process the fact that he or she is attractive much the same as I would notice an aesthetic painting or appreciate a beautiful landscape or an handsome animal, such as a deer with full antlers. But that is as far as it goes. Yes I might initially notice if someone is not particularly attractive but after a while I fail to notice this.

When writing to people I have met on the net most will eventually request a photograph which I do not care to provide. Nor do I desire a photograph of this person as many people seem to do. Why ? It is not the face or the body you are writing to it is the being inside. Without meaning to be morbid the body soon becomes old and less attractive, at least by the perspective of modern society. Eventually however the body is no more , whether or not the spirit, mind, consciousness of the person lives on remains to be seen. This is not a religious discussion and I will try not to digress in that direction today. But if the person as a person lives on as many believe, he or she does not live on in a way one would recognise as of course it is ones genetic makeup which determines our features but again that is big question and not one I am ready to discuss here right now. Suffice it to say however if we do continue to exist do we really think that what a person looks like will be a big issue... I certainly hope not. Yes I worry about my looks, I have mild BDD but that is more about lack of self confidence and is brought about by societies attitudes to what a person looks like .

Perhaps its an AS characteristic, hence my son’s exclamation . Perhaps it is just me, whatever that me is which exists under all the layers of neurosis and dysfunction and neurological malady . But the present obsession with celebrities, most of whom have done little to deserve such attention except to make extraordinarily huge amounts of money for so very little, leaves me cold and bored out of my mind.

Yes you can admire people of course. I admire Mother Teresa Mother Teresa - Biography and I admire the Dalai Lama The Dalai Lama the exiled secular and spiritual leader of Tibet . I admire the former for her devotion to the underprivileged in India I admire the later for his compassion and wisdom. Both were or are respectively advocates of world peace. The fact that they were or are both religious is irrelevant each is or was a genuine selfless person.

But quite honesty the idolisation of pop singers, actors or sportsmen leaves me dumbfounded
 

October 8th

Today we are in the Yorkshire dales and stopping off in lay-by in the Stang forest we follow a footpath. It really is a dull dreamy day, quite cold more like December rather than early October and I feel the penetrating damp chill. Although the summer has but only recently gone it feels as though it has never been and I imagine that for many, including myself, that this winter will seem a long one: due to the awful wet and cold summer it will feel as though there has been no respite from the damp miserable conditions that for the most part make up winters here in the UK.

I feel as though any modicum of motivation has been drained from me and depression and apathy make it a huge effort to simply get out of the car and take a short walk. I really feel as though I simply cannot be bothered, and it would be oh so easy to give into this pervasive and ever increasing apathy and remain in the car. But apathy exacts its own price and I know that later on the depression which gives rise to my apathy will be compounded by my failure to ignore it, and later on at the end of the trip I will feel an increase in despondency becasue I have yet again given into both my chronic depression and lack of motivation. So with considerable effort I get out of the car. I have the feeling sometimes that my husband experiences similar apathy but has no insight into such feelings as he always denies this is the case.

Once we begin to walk along the path at a steady pace it becomes easier although my heart is continually heavy and part of me resists all the way wishing it were over and I could once again return to the car. My husband stops and starts taking photographs of this or that and I do the same but become irritated by these stops as I want to keep moving . Odd how when is it is I who stops to take a photo or to look at something I do not feel so irritated although there is that ever present restlessness which seems somehow incongruous with my earlier inability to move becasue of apathy. However once on the move I find it hard to stop . When I am the one making the stops to take photos or look around or whatever than I am okay other than this restlessness which brings about a sense of impatience, but when my husband stops it drives me just crazy. I guess it is all about control, not being in control of the situation, and with anxious impatience I wander about aimlessly pacing backwards and forwards as my husband fiddles with the camera. I am too anxious to go on alone even for a few paces should we encounter a dog. Unlikely today as there is no one about.

Today it is very quiet I guess the trees mask the sounds from the road which in any case is not at all busy, it is only a B road, few travel this way even during the height of the season, at least not in comparison to more major roads. It is perfectly peaceful, the quite interrupted only by the singing of birds and the babble of a nearby brook. Through a glade of trees an animal track leads further in and reveals a place ideal for medication, off the main track it is just perfect, absolutely tranquil. I could imagine sitting here and meditating or just sitting and listening to the sounds of the stream and the chatter of the birds. Now though it is too damp, too cold, but I make a mental note to return in the spring and summer but know on some level that even in this most idyllic of settings there is no peace, as in the deepening silence my hackles are raised and I am constantly alert to every danger. It is now like an instinctive reaction which one would imagine animals have all the time, always alert to every nuance in sound, an heightened awareness of the approach of danger. Yes it is in part due to my anxiety should we be unexpectedly surprised by a dog bounding through undergrowth. Yet it is more than that, rather like, I would imagine, a primal fear, that apprehension of the unknown that must have once been a huge part of the lives of our more primitive ancestors. An ever present sense of dread at a time when the world appeared to be a very hazardous place when dangers where everywhere. Often I think that people with anxiety disorders in particular OCD and panic disorder retain some of that primal fear that gave rise to the flight or fight response. For us this response still kicks in along with those primitive fears and apprehension when not only ones five sense remain on the alert but ones whole body is tense ready for action, sensing a nameless dread, which for the majority of normal people has long since passed into oblivion, for here there is absolutely nothing to fear. In the UK there are no wild predatory animals, here in the Yorkshire Dales it is a remote area safe from the treat of even the possibility of human violence which we nowadays anticipate in a large crowded city.

I know I can never relax but that silence is nonetheless welcome. But alas in the silence I hear the sound of gunfire . Some moron killing a harmless creature no doubt , for the sake of the creature the sound makes me sick to the stomach and in addition I become also fearful should a stray shot come our way and pose a danger. Although by the quality of the sound it seems far away. My husband is oblivious to this noise, if indeed he hears it, it does not register as a potential danger. I get irritated sometimes as my husband seems impervious to fear and fails to recognise potential threats. Odd how we are so different. He I feel has a low danger threshold in that he perceives nothing much as a threat and experiences little anxiety even when most would feel some apprehension in such a situation, whilst I am like an animal forever alert to any potential threat whether real, imaginary or exaggerated.

I can’t cope with going any further and I am relieved to be walking back to the car as we retrace our steps having now satisfied myself that I did manage to go for a walk albeit a short one. And that at least for now I did not give into depression and apathy.

However passing along this road through the forest and into the dales I am invariably reminded of my brother -in-law who for the few short months that he lived near to us always enjoyed this ride through the forest and into the Dales. In the spring following his death we planted a rhododendron bush here in memory of both he and my sister. The entire length of the road as you climb the gradient to the dales is lined with rhododendron bushes and we thought it a fitting reminder, a personal memorial that would mean nothing to anyone else as there would be no plaque. The week following planting this bush it was stolen. I could not believe how anyone could be so mean. Admittedly there is no way anyone would know it was a memorial but really it was obvious it had been planted for a reason and surely anyone with any sensitivity should have realised that reason. It could have been removed by the forest ranger but somehow I doubt this as there where other rhododendrons which must have themselves been planted at one time or another. So there would be no reason for him to remove it.

I think people should be encouraged to plant trees in memory of a deceased friend or relative, a fine memorial and a help to the environment. We have never replanted it though for fear of the same consequences. What a sad world we live in.


October 9th

There is something so soothing about the patter of rain against the window particularly in the early hours of the morning when other sounds die down. I have not been sleeping well recently, or rather I should say the problem with sleep is much worse than usual. I have had disturbed sleep now for years, but in the last three or four years this problem has become increasingly much worse. Most nights waking at least twice, sometimes with fits of chocking, or gasping for breathe, feeling as though I cannot breath or with strange sensations cursing through my entire body rather difficult to describe. More often than not waking with a headache, sometimes quite severe attacks and also migraine. However the last few nights I have not been able to get off to sleep for some hours and when I finally do so waking in fitful starts after experiencing very vivid dreams . Most mornings I wake and my depression and anxiety is much worse than before sleeping and this often occurs also if I sleep during the day which sadly happens if I am not constantly occupied.

So this morning sitting here it is so soothing to hear this gentle patter of the rain against my window pane after a particularly disturbing night with waking feeling as though I cannot swallow and difficulties with getting to sleep and waking intermittently. I need a little peace and quiet in my life even though I need to keep busy otherwise depression grows and flourishes very very quickly. It can of course get very exhausting at times and I would really like to just be able to sit and relax, but if my attention is not on something specific and as intensely involved as possible my mood deteriorates. Mental activity is the best or a combination of both physical and mental but pure physical activity will do nothing as it allows for thoughts to enter my mind as though a flood gate has been opened. This is one of the reasons that not being able to sleep straight the way after retiring to bed causes problems other than obvious tiredness the following day. Intrusive thoughts and ruminations pour in as of course ones mind is left open to the onslaught of not only OCD thoughts but a whole maelstrom of worrying anxieties borne of thoughts of both rational and irrational concerns. Lying there in a semi darkened room unable to sleep yet too tired to get up and do something there is no distraction to impede their flow, such enhances the misery of not being able to sleep. Furthermore as I become increasingly more anxious as result of the flood of thoughts sleep becomes ever more elusive. Anxiety feeds on anxiety. Also don’t lets forget that some of our worries are just like those of a non sufferer who has sleepless nights due to concerns about such issues as work, finances, health and other more rational matters . Worry is no respecter of persons and countless millions go to bed with some worry gnawing away at their mind destroying their well being. But for those of us with an anxiety disorder such worries maybe more pronounced, less easy to shake off, more exaggerated and entwined with our OCD

It is hard work living ones life with OCD a constant battle which one must at least try to wage each day of ones life. You cannot entirely give in although for the most part it may appear that way to yourself and indeed to others but if you do not at least try to cope with OCD on some level it will escalate rapidly and your obsessions and compulsions will grow out of control. Even during the darkest days of my OCD I had to at least have the intention to try and stand up to the onslaught and to find some way to mitigate its effects, or at least try to live ones life around the obsessions and compulsions. And the last is perhaps for the most part the method I use now to try and glean some kind of life out of the chaos and misery brought about by OCD and the other conditions from which I suffer. For instance reading . I could so easily give up reading becasue of my superstitious fear of a certain number which right now at the time of writing I cannot write here although I have done so in my memoir . Still this number interferes with reading but I have to try and work round this, as at this time in my life I am unable to contend with this obsession and its compulsion to avoid this number. I have explained this on numerous times in my blog and website and it is perhaps superfluous to do so again however until I can index this blog and website it is not an easy matter for you to find this explanation if you are not a regular reader of my blog so basically the manifestation of this superstition works this way. I cannot have a prolonged association with this number, which for clarity I will call xx. When reading I cannot leave the book marked on either the chapter of this number, nor a page. Also combinations of this number such as one hundred and xx one thousand and xx and so on. If I do so there is a superstitious dread concerning harm coming to loved ones or myself. I have to sit and read through chapter XX and also the one preceding and following chapters and this can be quite a task if the chapters are long. I cannot read a book at all which has xx number of chapters. It takes time to read a book and there are delays while I find the time to read these three chapters and throughout the time I am reading them I am tense, anxious. It is frustrating and it can get very complex when books are divided into separate books or sections and working out which is xx can be complicated. But I don't wish to abandon reading and instead work round this as best I can although it can take a long time to find the right time to read all these chapters and sometimes weeks will pass when I cannot confront the need to do so. But for now this is the only course of action available to me.

The same situation applies to my cheeking of written work, such as every thing you see on this blog, which involves hours of obsessing and ruminating, correcting, analysing and rewriting or even abandoning altogether . I do not want to explain this all over again as there are just so many references to this which appear nearly every month and are easier to locate. So trying to work round your OCD which is not ideal but may be the only way until you feel able to contend with your OCD with therapy or other intervention may at this time be your only solution and indeed this applies to any anxiety disorder.

After writing all the above sadly the peaceful patter of the rain has been masked out by the increase of traffic which passes by my house. It is 7.10 pm and people are waking and going about their business and the peaceful moments have passed and I can feel myself becoming annoyed at the ever persistent unpleasant noises that infringe upon my life. As a migraine and headache sufferer, and a sufferer of AS, yes until proved other wise I will assume that I have AS secondary to my OCD, sensory problems are increasing and are for me a significant detriment. However noise in our environment has increased quite alarmingly since my infancy, although noise has always been a problem which caused me to scream in the street as a child so much so that I need to be tranquillised.

In fact now the wet conditions enhance the noise from passing traffic. I notice how weather conditions effect the surrounding noises and enhance them . So what once provided a soothing backdrop now becomes a detriment. A headache has established itself yet again. I actually for some strange reason woke with virtually no headache, most unusual particularly considering the dreadful sleep disturbed night. I feel it gnawing away at the side of my face round my eye a familiar ache now so pervasive as it grows in intensity. Sometimes this will last for an hour or so sometimes it remains all day getting progressive worse and at least twice a seek it will be joined by a migraine. You would think that I would be used to it by now , but no still it makes my heart sink with utter despair.
 

October 10th
 

"The Dalai Lama, who had watched a brain operation during a visit to an American medical school over a decade earlier, asked the surgeons a startling question: Can the mind shape brain matter?

Over the years, he said, neuroscientists had explained to him that mental experiences reflect chemical and electrical changes in the brain. When electrical impulses zip through our visual cortex, for instance, we see; when neurochemicals course through the limbic system we feel.

But something had always bothered him about this explanation, the Dalai Lama said. Could it work the other way around? That is, in addition to the brain giving rise to thoughts and hopes and beliefs and emotions that add up to this thing we call the mind, maybe the mind also acts back on the brain to cause physical changes in the very matter that created it. If so, then pure thought would change the brain's activity, its circuits or even its structure."

To read the full article please click the link below which will take you to the official website of HH The dalai Lama.

How Thinking Can Change the Brain

This is very interesting article which concerns the subject of neuroplasticity, the ability of the brain to change its function and structure according to experience, according to the way we think. Can our thoughts literally rewire our brain? Similar considerations are discussed in Brain Lock by Jerry Schwartz. Also discussed is the effect which meditation has upon the brain which persists long after a formal meditation session has ceased and which for practiced mediators gives rise to a permanent mental state such as an increase in empathy or compassion. Can repeated thoughts alter brain chemistry. Could we think our way out of OCD thinking and actually change the chemistry and circuitry of our brains and in the long term alter the way we think? 

Please do not allow religious considerations to prevent anyone from reading the link above as it has some really relevant information for people who suffer with anxiety disorders and depression.

Also see OCD-UK: The Four Steps - Brain Lock

October 12th

Today finds me with another headache, a really nasty gnawing kind of headace. Difficult to tell if it is migraine at this stage. Yesterday I woke in the night with a migraine after going XX number of days without one. These odd respites have occurred  before and have involved the same number of days on at least one occasion which if you still have not realised is a number quite commonly considered, at least in western culture, to be unlucky and becasue of an OCD superstitious obsession I cannot at this time write here. If you are a regular reader of my blog you of course already know this so please excuse this repetition but I have anxiety should a new visitor to this website wonder why on earth I had substituted XX instead of writing this number.

During the last year I have had three or four of these odd respites, the first time I really hoped that my problem with migraine was beginning to ease. I even thought it was over. A rather optimistic consideration from a perosn who is normally so negative. However such optimism was sadly misplaced. The problem is that although such respites are welcome I continue nonetheless throughout the duration to be anxious anticipating every headace as a migraine. Also it seems that for a week or more afterwards I will get several migraines some every day for as many as four or fives days consecutively and than a couple of days or so apart and than if am lucky the routine will return to two each week for a while and than the cycle continues again.

Yesterday would have been my sister's birthday had she lived and I forgot. Since her death my husband and I have lit a candle in the cathedral in remembrance. I have no religious commitment, it is merely a gesture. Just a way or remembrance. I feel dreadful, guilty as I sit here this morning my mind so crowded with thoughts which now cause me to remember today rather than yesterday. My focus was yesterday and still today on seemingly selfish issues because when it boils down to it all the obsessions and compulsions are about trying to mitigate the effects of intrusive thoughts. Yes indeed most of my OCD is focused upon preventing harm coming to others as a result of negative thoughts or an harmful deed, such as not washing my hands after touching something contaminated and thereby risking the spread of contamination. Well you know my story, the way my mind works, the way the minds of most sufferers of OCD function even if the outward obsessions and compulsions manifest in a different way.

Throughout the duration my OCD it has been impossible to get any psychologist to understand that although it might appear that one is selfless always concerned about the welfare of other people, and in my case also other creatures, that in reality it has more to do with trying to mitigate the torment of the fear of negative consequences in order to have some peace of mind. Yes of course I am concerned about other people, other creatures and would not knowingly harm any living thing and yes this mindset is part of my OCD to some extent, the reason that compulsions are carried out which to my OCD mind protects people and animals from harm. However there is a coexisting and perhaps in some cases an over riding consideration which is self centred and that is the fear of harm coming to others  becasue I will not be able to cope with the guilt and anxiety if I consider it to be my fault. I don't feel I am explaining  this well at all.  I think that most of us have this duel aspect to our persona even normal people. If we loose a dear friend or relative or he or she is sick or some dire consequence befalls them we are not only sad and distraught for the sake of the person concerned or indeed the creature concerned but also becasue of the effect that such sadness and sorrow is having upon our own state of well-being. So in a way OCD obsessions and compulsions are carried out to protect ourselves from these feelings as much as, or in some instances more than, being concerned about the welfare of others.

Yet still we feel that pang of sadness similar to others and without the OCD there is perhaps pure unadulterated concern. Or is there?  Such as this morning on the news a segment about a deaf and blind dog lost in a pot hole and the efforts of trying to retrieve it. In many ways I have more compassion for animals, I can't help this it is not that I do not care about people, quite the country in fact but somehow the plight of a helpless defenceless animal brings forth a deeper emotion, maybe simply becasue animals are often used and abused and without positive intervention at times are helpless such in the case of this poor dog. Yet still even at the bases of this strong emotion and anxiety on behalf of the dog and the sincere hope it is rescued is the need to be alleviated of these sorrowful feelings, therefore yet again there is selfishness attached to these feelings even if no obsessions or compulsions arise from this. In the past during times of crises for others I have often felt personally as though I have had to do something and this something usually digresses into an obsession and compulsive behaviours.

This type of behaviour has always been part of my way of coping even before a formal diagnosis of OCD and before I was aware of and has insight into my less than normal behaviours.

October 15th

The following link will take you to a very useful website which has much information for those of us who suffer with an anxiety disorder or phobia. There is in particular some good information for agoraphobics but there is something for everyone including a link to a thunderstorm finder for people with storm phobia and  sufferers experiences. A personal friendly website, the site owner is a sufferer of agoraphobia and share his experiences.

Phobics Awareness - Help For Agoraphobia, Panic Attacks, Phobias, Support And

October 16th

"Your blood pressure is excellent, classic textbook" says the nurse who is doing a routine check. Well I m certainly pleased that one part of my anatomy is working.  I have come to the hospital to see an ophthalmic specialist, my doctor referred me after my telling her about the odd visual disturbance which I have mentioned in a previous entry September 6th.

Such appointments are indeed extremely stressful many problems presenting that might not seem to be the most obvious you would expect. Yes naturally I was concerned about my eye sight what hypochondriac would not be and incidentally I consider now that increasingly more and more people are prone to hyphochondrical thinking and often go to such appointments thinking the worse, their mind filled with worrying scenarios concerning the outcome of such consultations. Being an established hyphochondriac of long standing of course such fearful scenarios have haunted me during the last month that I waited for this appointment. The thought is always there at the back of my mind, as the day comes inexorably closer I become increasing more anxious and depressed. I find my motivation is sapped and I question every action I take as such seems meaningless if I am pronounced seriously ill. Such thoughts induce procrastination and in addtion to the extra burden of depression that arises from such negativity it is a huge struggle to do almost anything including writing here on my blog and website although I have worked on an article it has been a huge struggle. 

The anxiety on the weekend before such an appointment leaves me feeling lost and even more aimless and on Sundays the day when I am less occupied with other things thoughts of a negative nature intrude more readily into my mind and tinge any modicum of satisfaction or pleasure which may be derived from any activity including a trip to the Yorkshire Dales for a meal. For this reason I loath appointments of this nature. I had only mentioned this problem in passing hoping simply to be told that it was related to migraine. I had after all only the previous week had an eye test and was told there was nothing wrong although the optician seemed rather vague and was not too interested seemingly all to quickly to consider this problem as migraine. I had also told him about my difficulty with reading and now also using the computer and the jittery effect, the blurring of words and merging of sentences which is explained in full later in this entry. But he had not acknowledged me concerning this and my communication difficulties being what they are I let it pass. However my doctor said she would rearrange an appointment with an opthalmist I did not ask why or think to ask for any reassurance so I worried and worried and have done so for the last four weeks during which the problem with my vision whilst reading has increased.

I have been anxious  not only because of the possible outcome but also becasue of the fears that surround such appointments anything from having to have drops put into my eyes to having to undergo the glaucoma test with the puff of air directed into your eyes. All painless of course but it is not about pain, it is difficult to described but it is just the thought, the sudden introduction into your eye of water or air, it is the startle factor. Yes such would probably not occupy a more normal person's thoughts until right before the actually event but I an not a normal person. I even purchased an eye dropper to practice to desensitise myself hoping to become accustomed to having liquid dropped into my eye. Here OCD intervened bringing about quite a dilemma. There was no indication on the packaging concerning the country of origin.   I therefore ruminated that if it was made in a country which had rabies it may be contaminated by the rabies virus and no matter how much I scolded and tried to disinfect it I would still be anxious to use it to drop water into my eyes as the rabies virus can enter the body by the ducts in the eyes. I know sitting here writing this how idiotic this all sounds but when you are in the throes of OCD, its  perverse logic reigns and  more realistic considerations do not arise, swept away by the more abhorrent considerations of OCD.  So I dare not practice.

After a short respite of several days it seems as though my migraine was now into that phase of frequent attacks on successive days. The night before the appointment I had a migraine and within barely fourteen hours the following morning another attack. There was barely sufficient space between the safe time allowed between does of my medication. Sixteen hours are required between such high doses of my migraine medication. I had woken from a fitful sleep after a couple of those attacks of not being able to swallow and numb sensations. I woke at four thirty, at one time I would have got straight out of bed and worked on my computer but I was just too weary to get out of bed. Recently I have become increasingly more depressed. I am not sure if this is due to my new migraine prophylactic, which incidentally appears not to be very effective, I cannot ascertain, but depression is a side effect. I had woken with hardly any headace at all, quite unusual in any event but most unusual after such a restless night.  I thought to just lie there, I could not summon the motivation to get up yet knowing that falling to sleep might have dire consequences, as is often the case.  But I had only just had a migraine the night before, although if one is to be precise perhaps I still had a migraine as of course Diclofenac kills only the pain - at least as far as I am aware, it being an anti-inflammatory may have other effects on the actual process of a migraine attack. As invariably happens after such a dreadful sleepless night I feel asleep again. I had an anxious dream concerning my hospital appointment; not being able to find a parking space in the car park, wandering through the town looking for parking spaces but not  finding any than suddenly finding myself outside the hospital entrance standing there alone the way dreams tend to after catching the bus, fearing getting a migraine and not able to cope. Incidentally migraine is a real life consideration which prevents me from using public transport at anytime and most certainly when alone. This was definitely a dream that was a result of my anxieties

I had worried so much about not finding a parking space with the consequence of my husband having to wait in the car until one became available resulting in my having to go into the hospital alone, which for me is too traumatic to contemplate. Other anxieties  stemmed from this anxiety of simply being alone to face what was for me a huge ordeal. Such as my constant need to use the toilet might mean I miss my appointment if called and I was in the toilet. All sounds trivial I know as I give account of my anxieties here and to other people such would indeed not be given a second thought even in the unlikely event that such thoughts had occurred in first place.

We went an hour early, should there be no parking spaces we would need to find a public car park. This morning with a  pounding  headace prior to taking my medication I had struggled  to find on the internet a map of the town with the location of all the car parks. As the morning continued I become increasingly stressed, trying to not take my medication until absolutely certain it was yet another migraine, the morning all told was a nightmare of anxiety. Naturally I was worried about the outcome of the consultation but the concern over the car park and the possibility that I would have to go in alone preyed on my mind as I knew I could never do this and feared the consequences of arriving only to return home.

When we arrived an hour or more before the actually appointment there where in fact several places, the hospital being only a community hospital. But such logic did not make the least dent in my anxieties previously but now in retrospect I now saw the situation in a more rational perspective . As we sat there for half an hour few other cars entered the car park confirming that my anxiety in this regard was rather excessive, although of course my concerns could have been founded in reality. Next time the anxiety will be there but hopefully to lesser degree but I will most probably still go way too early. Again becasue of excessive anxiety we went into the hospital a whole half hour before the appointment. I even got irritated with my husband for dawdling should it take half an hour to cross the car park and into the hospital. In fact it took about two minutes before we were seated in the waiting area.

The consultant was running behind schedulable. Yes I know that such cannot be avoided, the NHS is under a lot of pressure and I for one would rather sit and wait than have to have an appointment deferred or delayed to cut down waiting times, at least in the end ones does get seen. If it where not for the anxiety the wait would be no problem particualry here as there was not too many people. There was music but very quiet and a relaxing type although I prefer silence it was not the middle of the road music one is normally subjected to. But because of my anxiety waiting was a problem as after an half hour or so my anxiety increased. There was a least five trips to the toilet all with five or ten minutes of each other and still I felt as though I needed to urinate urgently. Such is now a significant problem which arise with the least degree of anxiety. It adds it own momentum as the more I feel this urgency the more anxious  I become, it also effects my ability to communicate as it is a significant distraction. At one point  I thought I  would burst into tears  and relinquish the facade of coping that somehow I manage to present in such situations.

A nurse came and took me for an eye test, a simply basic eye test of reading letters on a board. Than I was sent back to waiting area where half an hour passed until finally I was called to see the consultant. Finally I was admitted to the consultation room to be greeted by a very pleasant doctor. I had written down in detail the nature of my problems which you can read here. I had been hesitant to present my symptoms in writing but there is no way I could have articulated a clear picture of my symptoms. The doctor was in fact quite happy to read them and again all my worries in this concern had been unfounded.

I had previously been concerned as consultants can be a little impatient at times rather abrupt. But thankfully he was very patient as I had trouble with having to have two lots of eyes drops. Despite all my pervious worry this was not such an ordeal. I did panic rather at the thought of the pressure test which was not puffs of air but involved .. Well this is difficult to describe, an instrument like a very bright light was positioned in contact with my eye but which I was assured I would not feel becasue the eye drops where an aesthetic  At first I though no way and the first attempt failed   I am so squish about eyes but I endeavoured and with some will power managed to undergo this test and incidentally I did not feel a thing and felt silly for having made such a fuss.  A further dose of eyes drops to enlarge my pupils for another less intrusive examination and the consolation was over.

Thankfully he could find nothing wrong with my eyes. He suggested it might be a circulatory problem and prescribed Aspirin for a couple of months to see if there is an improvement. He did make other comments concerning the possible causation which for an hypochondriac had caused me to obsess of course. I will not share them with you right now becasue I don't fully understand the implications and for OCD superstitious reasons I feel talking about them might effect the outcome. I asked the doctor if there was anything to worry about and he assured me there was not so for once I am going to try and trust the doctor and refrain from searching the net and increasing my anxiety.  Such research for people with hypochondria often leads to more anxiety as often facts are misinterpreted , taken out of context with the result that instead of finding comfort and quelling our anxiety we often frighten ourselves half to death.

I also got some sympathy from the doctor, he was frankly shocked about the number of migraines I get. Two each week for a good week with intermittent spates of four or five attacks each week This week I am in the throes of one of those spates and have had four since Sunday. He is going to write to my doctor about this. He asked me how I coped to which I replied that without the Diclofenac I doubt that I would cope at all if indeed coping is the right word as life is an absolute hell with not only migraine but also CDH which has also been much worse this week. Today is the first day since Sunday that I have not sat here with a significant headache. And quite frankly I feel as though I am at my wits end as though I can bear it no longer.

I have a follow up appointment in two months time to see if the aspirin is effective and hopefully fingers crossed this problem with my eyesight will be resolved.

In the meantime though it is rather a struggle for me on the computer and right now my eyes are sore. The problem with jittery words and sentences appearing to merge has been with me a long time and it has not been a big problem until after the visual distortion described in the link above. So it is very disconcerting trying to work on my computer and this problems slows me down even more. Writing is not so bad as I am looking at the key board rather than touch type looking at the screen but with all the checking I do this odd visual problem can make life even more difficult.

October 19th

There are some new pages this month: An interesting article by Gary about his childhood experiences when he came down with  measles called: Understanding Little Boys ; More e-mail letters from Luis who tells you what it is like to have OCD in Uruguay: Luis's letters; and an account of a day in the life of my late sister Lynda: A day in the life of an Agoraphobic/anorexic

It was indeed difficult and upsetting writing about my sister there are just so many memories and even after nearly four years it is difficult for me to accept that she has gone. I do not wish to make anyone feel depressed but it is not easy to talk about my life without thinking of my sister and indeed her husband who I knew for over thirty five years. Naturally my mind has been focused upon the tragedy that befell my sister after such a difficult life. Not a day goes passes without I think about her. Sometimes it is as though she has not gone, as though I can't accept this as real. This maybe becasue we lived for most of our adult lives some 150 miles apart from one another. We saw relatively little of each other due to our respective conditions although we spoke at length every weekend on the telephone. Sometimes it feels as though she is still there or conversely at other times it feels as though the past has been a dream, as though none of it ever happened. In fact after moving here it now feels as though my entire past is dreamlike, unreal.

I miss my sister, she like I had a very difficult life but before she died she did make some progress and was able to cope well enough to gain her City and Guilds certificate in Patchwork. An astonishing achievement for someone so tormented by mental health condtions.

A day in the life of an Agoraphobic and Anorexia Nervosa sufferer is an account based upon the weekly conversations Lynda and I had over the telephone where we discussed our respective difficulties concerning the trying lives that we both lead. The article focuses upon a typical day in the life of my sister. It includes flashbacks to other occurrences in her life which reflect the problems she faced throughout her difficult life. The account is by no means comprehensive but does give a glimpse, an inking of what it is like to suffer with multiple disorders. Please don't skip the introduction which gives a brief explanation concerning Lynda's circumstances.

Thank you everyone who has agreed to have his or her writings or artwork published. I hope his encourages more of you to write something of your experiences to share with others. Your account can be as long or as short as you like. Also please send in artwork or other literary contributions, write an article about your interests anything you like. Your writings need not focus on mental health problems or issues. It would be nice to share interests see what makes us tick underneath the misery of our perspective condtions.

Again let me assure you neither your name nor your e-mail address will be used without permission. Only first names are used unless otherwise specified or you can remain anonymous or use a pseudonym. I don't include anyone's e-mail address unless specifically requested to do so . Also your contribution will be removed as soon as possible should you experience any anxiety about its inclusion.

October 23rd

Allison: Dread comes unannounced and then consumes our feelings with its irrational sense of doom. Have you ever had the feeling of dread? I'm not talking about fear. Fear is immediate. Fear is what kicks in when you're confronted with danger: a mugger with a gun, a stranger in your house. I'm talking about dread. Dread is persistent. It gnaws at you. You can't ignore it. It just won't go away. Because that's what dread is, it's worrying about something you can't do anything about. Dread can affect your job, your home, alter your entire personality.

Dread: Definition from Alison (Patricia Arquette)  From episode 55 season 3 of Medium.


I have always had difficulty with the description of OCD as an anxiety disorder. This seems too mild a word for the ever present feelings which pervade my entire life. Fear, although presents frequently seems in general everyday considerations to be too extreme even though there are many fearful panic like occurrences during the day. For instance the sight of an unleashed dog precipitates feelings of fear, there is no question here that these feelings are fear. Yet for the most part there is another feeling between anxiety and fear and that is dread. Utter pervasive gnawing ever present dread. It, like anxiety and fear, varies in intensity but is there nonetheless gnawing away at your mind, constricting your chest, knotting you stomach, sapping your energy, your vitality and motivation. As the above quotation so aptly says dread effects your entire life and most certainly as a result alters your personality, it drags you down to levels of utter despair. I do not exaggerate. Indeed no you cannot ignore it, it never goes away, it might be mitigated for a time with enormous effort but in the quiet moments, even when intensely engaged, it is there, right there waiting.

It is there when I wake in the morning and the fearful existential thoughts arise, fears of getting old, fears of death or being alone. Sometimes however no thoughts in particular accompany such feelings of dread, the feeling simply presents. Such fears and feelings have been with me all my life and have greeted me each morning me in one guise or another with some intensity since my OCD became full blown. Since that time I rarely wake with more positive feelings or with any excitement or anticipation, just this awful feeling of dread and pervasive depression. The thoughts feelings of course linger throughout the day but are more intensive upon waking, particularly now as the days are becoming shorter and I wake and it is dark. Sleeps seems to give such feelings more momentum, as if sleep boosts their power. If I accidentally sleep during the day I will awake with increased feelings of dread. But the mornings are by far the worse. The feelings of dread compound my depression and I cannot now envision what it is like to be without such thoughts, such feelings. I have lived with feelings of dread now for the greater part of my life.

I cannot describe to you how awful these thoughts are nor the feelings that accompany them, if you have OCD or other anxiety disorder such thoughts are familiar to you. I have had times in the past when I have made a stand against my OCD, which you can read about in my memoir but the OCD has invariably returned. Not that it of course ever left. I only coped with it, with sheer bloody mindedness after being unable to bear it no more. However such stands against the onslaught now at the time of writing seem impossible. Moreover headaches are a constant detriment, even if I do not have one the constant anticipation of getting one is ever present and yet another condition which precipitates these feelings of dread.

I am not trying to solicit sympathy, my intent here is to try and explain particualry to non sufferers what it is like to have an anxiety disorder or other mental health issue. Anxiety is terrible enough, but for the most part dread is a more defining word. It was this emotion that met my sister during her severe agoraphobia when just the thought of stepping outside consumed her with a sense of awful dread. Once on one of our visit to see my parents and my sister in the early days of her agoraphobia, in an attempt to give my housebound sister respite from her confines we managed with huge difficulty to encourage her to get into the car. Once there she was calmer. Having driven out into the country we hoped she might take a step or too and go for a sort walk, having made it too the car we were encouraged. However I will never forget the sheer look of horror on her face just by opening the door in a strange locality away from her safety zone. I regretted encouraging her to do so as clearly she was not ready and until someone is ready perhaps more harm is achieved than good. I did not understand the profound nature of her fear.. no utter dread. Although at that time my OCD was full blown, all my energies where absorbed by religious OCD, I admit I did not at than fully understand the emotions of another's fears in a different context. Often the saddest thing about our respective disorders is that we can from time to time fail to really understand the fears of a fellow sufferer, whose fears are manifest in a different context. The manifestation of an anxiety disorder may be vastly different, particularly the infinite presentations of OCD, but the same emotions are present, anxiety dread and fear.

When I heard that description one evening as an introduction to an episode of the TV series Medium, I made a mental note to look it up on the net as it is such an apt description of the feelings that I and many other sufferers of an anxiety disorders experience, when indeed our conditions for the most part are experienced as feelings of dread rather than anxiety. Dread, utter dread is an ever present and most unwelcome companion for many of us.

October 25th

Perhaps I am too sensitive but I really hate it on website forums where someone asks a question and it is completely ignored. I think this is so hurtful, particularly for those of us with an anxiety disorder. You would think that in some forums where there are a good number of members someone would just respond. This happed to me only once and I found it kind of upsetting, particularly as this was my first and sadly now my only message to this particular forum. I had been a member of this forum for several years and had only just decided to post concerning an issue which was causing enormous anxiety. Now it is not often I burden anyone directly with my problems and all I needed was just a basic response , but no nothing... not even a welcome to the forum. Nothing! I know no big deal, after all with forums it can of course be the case of thinking that perhaps someone else will respond and as a consequence no one responds. Also no one may have the answer to a question you may pose or you may simply have posted at a time when everyone else is having particularly difficult issues of his or her own.

Yes of course it is no ones responsibility, some forums are not even moderated, but there is always a core group of regular visitors to any forum and it is reasonable that one or another could respond with a simple greeting. The excuse that some one else will do it becomes less of a consideration as several days pass and the message remains unanswered. I too am guilty of such oversight, but I'm awkward with communications of any kind, partially if for most of the time I have previously lurked. But for those who regularly leave messages and have developed a fairly friendly rapport with each other, surely the simple curtsey of at least saying hi to a first time poster to a forum isn‘t that much to ask. I guess the virtual world of social interactions is getting more difficult than those in real time. My most recent experiences certainly are.

Yes I am angst having a good ole moan today. I do this often but not so openly or in writing . But social interaction on line it seems is rather a mine field and is not for the faint hearted, the oversensitive person who is feeling a little tender due to depression or anxiety. It can indeed be very hurtful if you are partially fragile because your life is difficult and you have summoned up the courage to post only to be ignored. Yes sometimes it seems right to give vent to my feelings. I cannot deny that I know only to well how such messages can get overlooked, we are after all only human and we might be fragile right now not, able to respond to another.

I guess what has motivated this ramble is today whilst lurking, and can you blame me for lurking, I noticed a message a couple of weeks old which had been completely ignored. It was not a complex question, it was a question any of the members of this group of nearly 100 could have responded to, as it was phrased in such a way that you could answer even if you had no personal  experience in the matter. A psychologist might think it was some kind of a transference thing transferring my state of mind to another but I really felt sorry for the poster. I imagined I felt his or her sense of rejection. But who knows, perhaps the poster couldn't give a dam and put down the lack of response to ignorance, bad manners ,or whatever and simply forgot about it which is more or less what I did on the occasion described above, although at the time I did feel somewhat rejected and have never posted again.

Sometimes as chronic suffers of a mental health problem or indeed any problem which incapacitates us we can feel as though we make no contribution to the welfare of others, as though we are unable to do our bit in improving the lot of another or to make any kind of selfless contribution. But often we have the opportunity in small ways, such as this to make someone’s day and offer some encouragement or even to acknowledge someone’s existence, to perhaps appreciate that the poster may have had a difficult time summoning the courage to post, or the matter maybe be of some urgently to him or her or whatever. I had the feeling from the context it was merely a point of conversation. nonetheless to a person with low self esteem, being ignored may feel like a rejection.

To a sensitive person such a rejection, even if unintentional can have a detrimental effect. Imagine being in a group of people. You are nervous, socially inept, shy, inarticulate and you feel so uncomfortable by your silence and than you decide to speak, to take the chance that it won’t come out all wrong, garbled. You muster all your courage, for indeed it takes courage for a shy person to speak. Than when you finally do so no one responds but instead continues to converse one with another inside there own establish clicks as though you had never spoken, as though you were not there, leaving you looking and feeling like an idiot. I think most people would have some idea just how awful that type of situation is for a perosn with social anxiety even if you have never suffered in this way. However a sensitive person can feel much the same way as a member of a forum when he or she is ignored.

Often people consider that on-line socialisation is not quite the same as in real time, that it is not so important to be sensitive or courteous to another. I imagine that most of us here would not intentionally snub another person in this way but it does happen a lot .The groups to which I refer are OCD or anxiety related forums, most of those who visit are emotionally fragile. People who visit and try to join in with discussions, ask a question or seek help are real people with problems and feelings of rejection can arise as they do in unreal time situations. Yes due to my social anxiety I am perhaps over sensitive but there are many like me out here.

Those of us with social interaction difficulties would see our so called inabilities to fit in as less of a problem if only people would accept us as we are. Often I would like to socialise and I am quite happy or at least prepared to listen to others even if I can’t join in or mess about have a good laugh and so on becasue I am simply not that way inclined being for the most part a serious person. But often other people do not want your company if you cannot interact in the way that society asserts as normal. If you are tongue tied, or cannot get excited about the latest wedding announcement or the birth of a baby or listen to a literary of family scenarios about people you do not know and names you can't remember, you are generally not welcome. Or if you get overly excited about a issue of which you have strong feelings and are passionate you should be able to express your feeling without others feeling as though they are being attack and taking it all personally, which sadly invariably happens - and they say I have no social skills ... While for the most part your companions wish to rattle on about the latest fashion or what the weather is like or that new carpet or recipe which sends you into a coma with boredom while you wish to talk about something more meaningful such as social injustice or some interest of yours, this should not be a problem, such exchanges should be mutually acceptable.

Perhaps one should align one’s self to people who are of like mind but in recent years I have personally found it impossible to talk to anyone who has anything very interesting to say and who does not simply what to use you as a sounding board or as a witness to a monologue.

However recently both in real time and the virtual world of internet forums, which really is the real world is it not, I think there is a lack of curtsey particularly on the net becasue we sometimes don’t see other people as real, particularly the often nameless faceless people who post messages. I have a lot of problems fitting in with society, the friends I have had in my life I can count on one hand. I can be socially inept, tongue-tired, out spoken but lately when I see the way other people interact I am wondering who has the real problems .

Sometimes you need a friend with whom you can have a meaningful conversation, who accepts you as you are, your idiosyncrasies, your tongue-tiedness or whatever . Everyone needs a person with whom we can share confidences who is willing to listen to share sorrows, joys, interests, accomplishments in a mutually comfortable way. People are people whether it is your family, next door neighbour or a perosn who you will never see and in the case of forums name you may never know, all have the same needs and one of them is the need to be heard.

October 26th

I sometimes feel as though my entries appear as a lecture or as sermons . This I think it is perhaps a characteristic of AS. I have had this tenancy all my life despite being tongue-tied. When an issue arises particualry a social injustice or other issue of which I have strong opinions I will ramble or lecture or appear to have missed my vocation and give an impromptu sermon. I recall how much more likely I was when younger to do this as I had no insight into the fact that I was doing so and was often times not always appropriate. Since learning about AS I am now more aware that this is a tendency of mine and one that at best can irritate people. It can leave me feeling foolish when the person I am talking too looks aghast or embarrassed. Since creating this website the tendency to lecture appears in some of my writing, whether it is good thing or bad is of course matter of perspective. I admit readily that I get pretty angst if someone lectures me. I do seem to be a target myself for impromptu lectures, particualry when I was younger. As a young mother I often received a lecture from my neighbour, who had no children, about shouting at my son. Yes a gentle lecture, nonetheless a lecture. She in turn was often at the receiving end of a political tirade, which in later years I found out that she took personally, as a personal attack. Yes I can get quite passionate and may appear aggressively so at times but this is only a result of my enthusiasm or my fervent zeal.

I have strong opinions about many issues and I am easily upset or even depressed by any social injustice and here I include animal welfare. There are so many issues of such that at times one can feel increasingly depressed and consider that the world and most of its inhabitants are uncaring selfish and often downright evil. I know that this concept in part arises from the negative slant that the media and indeed films and TV has generated and one forgets that there is goodness in the world, People fighting for the rights and the welfare of both man and animal. People taking huge risks with their lives to help others. But sadly these positives get overlooked as the focus is on other more negative aspects of human nature.

There are these days so many negatives. Such as the suffering caused as the result of the greed of capitalism gone mad where everyone is out to exploit every one else. Where there is now not a lot of difference between the rip-off small trades men and the bigger established business who overcharge you and dictate unfair conditions of your guarantee simply because they know you have no choice other than to engage their services because you no longer trust a local trades person. Moreover they can charge you what they like, mostly exorbitant fees. Yes there are many honest trades men but it is difficult to find them. No one wishes to recommend a tradesmen for fear that the work may be unsatisfactory.

No one trusts anyone anymore. Oftentimes it can seem a sad compassionless world where every thing is done for a profit. Even research into medicine is undertaken not to relieve the sufferings of humanity or other creatures but rather to accrue profit for the greedy pharmaceutical companies. Where people in developing countries die by their millions for want of sometimes the most simple of medication or a vaccine. Even here in the UK there are a number of drugs that the NHS will not pay for. Often life saving cancer drugs, or drugs to impede the progress of Altzimers are not available on the NHS making comprehensive medical care available to only the rich. Incidentally I get angry at the lack of caring in such issues where people accept that it is okay for someone to have millions in his or her bank account while other people die from want of clean water, medication, shelter, a nourishing meal... any meal!

It is a world where suspicion abounds, where a  good action is often seen as having an ulterior motive, where everyone is trying to fiddle money from another. I recall in a local supermarket buying bread that had somehow been stamped with ink, a date to be exact, on the actual bread. I took it back. Not even to get my money back but simply becasue I was concerned that someone might be ill as a result if other loaves where similarly effected. Yes I know OCD over responsibility and yes I would worry myself sick if I had not done this, should someone die it would be my fault becasue I had not pointed this out. But this is not my point here today. The sales assistant was not in the least appreciative begrudging asking my name and address assuming that I was complaining in order to receive some compensation, because recently in the news someone had been awarded a considerable amount of money for margarine that was contaminated in some way. Consequently many unscrupulous people where returning food deliberately contaminated in order to get compensation. So instead of a little appreciation and a thank you for being considerate enough to come back and point this out, I was met with a considerable irritated attitude which in turn caused some friction. I could after all have rang the food health and safety department and made an official complaint. 

One of the most common of negative issues focused upon is the increase in crime. Yet other issues are seemingly ignored such as the lack of rights in the work place. Yes it seem that health and safely issues at work are over the top while rights to shorter hours, holidays and a liveable salary are ignored. Indeed it is society's inconsistencies that get to me. Such as someone getting a long sentence for a while collar crime while a murderer goes free after a shorter sentence than for instance an embezzler. The message I get is that crimes against someone possessions are more serious that crimes of violence.

Why do I rant so about these things. I cannot easily dismiss them and the awful things that take place in this world. The cruelty and intolerance, social injustice,  crime, avarice and plain simple indifference to such all make me feel depressed. One feels afloat in a sea of suffering, suffering that could so be alleviated if only people where not so greedy, uncaring and self-centred. Yes the ways of the world effect my mood, play a part in my depression. The other day in a local supermarket there where piles of huge pumpkins all at 99 pence. These are of course for people to use for Halloween. While thousands die for want of a meal we cut up good food to make lanterns for Halloween. Sorry if I come over as a misery but I am simply doing so in order to express to you my thoughts which are relevant to my OCD and depression. Yes many people share similar views passionately, but probably it does not  evolve into depressive episodes and ongoing despair. This sort of concern I thinks is prominent with people with AS and OCD. I recall a pen friend, a sufferer of OCD, I once wrote to many years ago telling me that at a dinner party in stead of enjoying the food all she could think about was the plight of the world's starving, the homeless and destitute.

I find it increasing difficult to cope with the awfulness of existence yet fear the oblivion of death. But it becomes increasingly more depressing to be continuously surrounded within a sea of misery and suffering which compounds my own.

I do not know if such feelings are a facet of OCD, an exaggeration of certain emotions, while other emotions seem totally absent and people may see me as uncaring becasue I cannot show such emotion or if I do it appears by consensus to be over the top.

October 30th

Despite my comments above I have today suddenly been reminded that tomorrow is Halloween and I need to get in some sweets.  Yes I know that after the above comments it looks hypocritical to do so, but of course children do not see it this way. In fact few people see my reasoning on such issues and indeed I like most people are apt to waste food or overindulge. I am not against these celebrations but I am however mindful of the situation in the world concerning hunger and greed and I tend to feel uncomfortable and guilty as a consequence.  However conversely I would feel guilty if I did not provide some sweets or other goodies should anyone call.

Few people here in the UK have really gotten into the swing of Halloween, which until the last decade or so was not celebrated here to any significant degree. So a good percentage of the population don't bother to get in sweets for trick or treat. I wont open the door to groups of kids that are unruly or are not accompanied by an adult. A neighbours child came the last two years with her mother and that is fine and I would would really feel guilty if I forgot to get something, even if only this one child calls.

Such a mixed bag of emotions and anxiety for the OCD sufferer or the GAD suffer; I think most people with OCD also have a good measure of GAD and we have the predisposition to worry about  anything and everything in addtion to our OCD. The above example is a good case in point. It is also a good example of mixed ideas and conflicts where one may well finish up feeling guilty or anxious as the case may be no matter what one does.

Moreover it is not only the simple concern of forgetting and feeling guilty on the night but also the anxiety that now I will forget about this, this morning when we go shopping. Despite having paid so much attention here to this matter I fear the thought will simply dissipate from my mind as though the thought never occurred. According to letters in my medical files I have always had memory problems , no there is no information as to why this is so. However as I get older this is becoming a worry and my poor memory now becomes yet another focus of relentless anxiety leading to further depression. Such also leads to hyphochondrical considerations not to mention frustration and anger. But I have to try and see this in a more realistic light, that my brain is so overloaded that as a consequence I am likely to forget. Anxiety and stress are also factors which impair the memory .Although  of course if the problem is significant it is always advisable to check with your doctor in the first instance, particualry if memory problems are new to you or have recently become worse.

But still I worry and every time I for instance come upstairs and suddenly realise I have no idea why I have done so, does cause some anxiety. Or if I go to do a job and find that it has already been done and that I have only moments before completed this task, it can be worrying indeed. All of these things do worry one particularly as I get older . But as with all worries it can go one stage further when I  become increasingly anxious should I forget this or that, which than results in lists, piles of books by my chair should I forget to read them or reminders written on paper sticking out my shoes, so I see it before leaving only to have the thoughts disappear from my mind as soon as I leave the house despite the reminder. Yes indeed any aspect of your personality can become enmeshed in obsessive compulsive thoughts and behaviours and people can become very involved with compiling lists of reminders. A former  neighbour's sister had quite a compulsion for this, anxious she should forget this or that she would write it all down.

Yes fine at first for important issues such as a doctor's appointment if you are absent minded, and do not forget that absentmindedness may also arise from the fact than you might have your attention fixed elsewhere. However such lists tend to grow if you are obsessive compulsive or have GAD and became obsessed about your memory or lack thereof and you can find yourself writing down longer and longer lists, filling notebooks,  recoding every simple little thing you intend until the list gets impossibly long and much time is consumed in both the writing and reading of such lists. This was a problem for my neighbour's sister and one which interfered greatly with her life .

Yes everything and anything has the potential to become involved with OCD behaviours and without insight into this fact such
behaviours can become entranced before we even realise we have a problem . This was the case when my OCD first became
full-blown, despite the bizarre focus of my religious OCD it was a full six months or more before I actually considered that hey I have a problem, my behaviours and thought are not normal.

The following is a link to an interesting article concerning memory and what we can do to improve it.

DailyGood: New Thinking on Memory

It is 11pm and we have returned from shopping. Yes I did just about remember the Halloween sweets , there simply where so many reminders , the store festooned with all the paraphernalia of this event, nonetheless in some cases even such obvious reminders sometimes fail to jog my memory.

However returning home I was horrified to find I had left my compter turned on. Now normally I have no problem with remembering OCD compulsions and obsessions and there are times when I wish my memory would fail me in this regard. So to go out without fulfilling the requirements of my checking compulsion is a serious lapse of memory which is significantly adding to my anxiety about my memory. Now my checking compulsion will become more enhanced as a result of this  absentmindedness and will increase my need to check that all appliances have been turned off. Of course this is a sensible thing to do but you know only too well if you suffer from OCD, that  these precautions many people take when leaving the home can becoming excessive for us. Normally I check several times that all appliances are turned off particualry computers . I think though lately I am under a lot of strain with increased depression and those awful headaches , another restless night with a very bad headaches last night and now this odd eye problem I can't thick straight anymore.

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Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.

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