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Blog Roll
Blog
Roll disclaimer*
Links
to recommended blogs:
OCD
Wiping The Crazy Off My Face
Incertus - The Weblog of Doubt
and Other Disorders
There is a diary included as
part of the following website:
My Obsessively Clean
Den
Where Justin can be Justin
Agoraphobia:
Agoraphobic
English Guy
Downunder
Bipolar and OCD:
Gail's journal
New!
Disjointed Thoughts
Autism:
Donna Williams’ Blog
Ballastexistenz
A Blog from Another World
Attention Deficit disorder ADD:
Living with ADD
A personal selection of Interesting Blogs not
related to mental health or conditions of any kind:
The Action Blog:
Save an endangered species, protect human rights,
save a forest.
Gristmill: The environmental
news blog |
This blog is
part of
Grist Magazine's
website, a magazine dedicated to environmental
issues.
Positive Attitude Quotes, Free
Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular
Motivativational sayings.
A good selection of
interesting quotations
|
October
1st
When something just disappears from my mind after having
only seconds before thinking about it is frightening, but it is
odd how OCD thoughts never disappear from your mind, if they did perhaps
you would not have to go through all those compulsions and waste your
life. But seriously it is worrying. Just now I had an idea about
something I wanted to write here and now... puff gone... Just lately my
memory is awful; my concentration sparse at best, distracted unfocused.
I am a hypochondriac so of course I worry about my memory problem along
with the many other maladies, some quite strange and inexplicable for
which I can find no reference anywhere in connection with any illness.
There is more going on with me other than my OCD although of course
OCD is my primary condition - at least concerning mental health
problems. But than again often there is a very fine dividing line
between mental health and physical illness, in my case sometimes it is
not easy to differentiate between the two. For instance my fibromyalgia
which is still undiagnosed. Yes I definitely have this syndrome despite
the lack of an official diagnosis. Why I can’t get a diagnosis remains
to be seen as more and more people here in the UK appear to receive this
diagnosis, even people with mental health issues which at one time was
not the case as often it was considered that it you had a mental health
problem than you did not have fibromyalgia or ME. I think that it is
because I am not assertive enough, sometimes you really have to make a
huge effort to get an official diagnosis of certain illnesses,
particularly
the ones that could in theory be the result of an existing mental health
problem, as is the case for me. Although as I have already mentioned
more and more people with a mental health problem seem to receive this
diagnosis more easily than once was the case when I consulted my doctor
some years ago now. I did try a couple of times when I first came to
live here. I was not specific that I thought I had fibromyalgia and just
told the doctor my symptoms. All he said was that he thought it was due
to my depression and he wanted to prescribe antidepressants which I
refused and explained to him that I was here only to check that my
symptoms were not caused by anything serious as I had number of hypochondriacal concerns besides wanting to get a diagnosis of
fibromyalgia. A couple of years later I tried again with the same
result. Why can’t I tell my doctor what I think is wrong and ask him to
consider a diagnosis of fibromyalgia? Perhaps I have lost my
confidence because of the earlier rejection of this possible diagnosis
by my previous doctor. Or perhaps I am getting so introverted and disabled
by my inability to communicate to the doctor the precise nature of my
problems. It is not easy in a five to ten minute appointment for someone
who needs time to think to explain the nature of a huge range of diverse
and not clearly defined symptoms let alone explain your ideas concerning
the diagnosis.
My symptoms consist of muscular aches and pains, fatigue, migraine,
headaches, IBS, strange tingling sensations, feelings of numbness, odd
rising sensations from the pit of my stomach difficult to explain. Brain
fog, short term memory problems and lack of concentration are also significant
problems. Also episodes of waking in the night gasping for breathe,
sensations as though I am chocking, difficulty swallowing and a number
of other bizarre symptoms not easy to describe. When I first had an
attack of numbness and tingling it began on my right side and
gradually progressed throughout my entire body. It occurred the first
time during the night as I was waking up as I tend to do at regular
intervals throughout the night. In a state of panic I went along to the
emergency clinic at the hospital after speaking to the doctor on the
phone anxious that I was having a stroke, although at the time I was
perhaps rather too young for this to be likely. Nonetheless the doctor
thought it necessary for me to come in for a check up. After an
examination she told me that I was having some kind of anxiety or panic
attack. But the symptoms are like none that I have ever read or heard
others talk about in connection with panic or anxiety attacks. Over the
next eight years or so I have had these attacks on numerous occasions.
Just lately it appears to me that all of these strange symptoms are
becoming worse. And I need to know why. I am also particularly concerned
about brain fog, my memory, lack of concentration and an increase in the
intensity of my tension headaches.
I am wondering if the above is fibromyalgia, a result of stress and
or depression or an unidentifiable illnesses. Oftentimes I wonder if
that perhaps I have been poisoned inasmuch as I might be hypersensitive
to the many pollutants in our environment. I wander just how many of us
out there who have suffered for much of our lives with OCD or other anxiety disorder are plagued by
these bizarre symptoms how many have received a diagnosis of fibromyalgia
or otherwise.
If
anyone would like to comment I would appreciate you doing so.
October 2nd
The greatest mistake you
can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
Elbert Hubbard
Was it Perfectionism caused Beethoven to write the
overture to fidelio his only opera four times. Recently whist listening
to the radio I heard a segment about classical composers. It was stated
just how much of a genius Mozart was, how by the age of twenty-one he
had composed a huge number of pieces of music of varying kinds,
symphonies opera and so on. I cannot recall the exact number but it was
considerably significant. The commentator said when referring to Mozart
that Music flowed from him. The rhetorical question was posed: How many
pieces of music had Beethoven composed by the age of twenty-one. The
answer was none. Why? Because Beethoven was a perfectionist. It took him
ten years to compose his only opera fidelio.
I have written about perfectionism on this blog before
only last month and I have written an article on this subject. And
because of my attention to the problem I have now noticed just how
significant a part perfectionist tendencies play in my life to further
inhibit the quality of my already difficult existence. Clearly from the
above example perfectionism can very much hinder your endeavours.
Perhaps Beethoven would have written more had he not been hindered by
the drive to attain perfection, who knows there may have of course been
other hindrances such as manic depression and his increasing deafness,
although he wrote his best music when he began to lose his hearing. It
is believed that Beethoven may have suffered with manic depression, but
often manic depression gives rise to creativity particularly during the
manic phases. Moreover many say that Beethoven’s brilliant music was a
result of his perfectionism. Who is to say it all depends of course on
each individual?
For me personally and many others who suffer with OCD
and related disorders perfectionist tendencies are a significant
hindrance and the thoughts and feelings surrounding them are indeed
comparable to obsessive compulsive type thoughts and behaviours which in
themselves lead to incapacitation, anxiety, depression and
procrastination due to anxieties and rumination. Often I am so scared of
making a mistake that I just cannot bring myself to begin a new painting
or a new piece of writing. For instance I am attempting to paint a
sheep, a Herdwick sheep in the snow. I have never painted anything as
complex as a sheep or any other animal including man. I have no
confidence and the fear of failure haunts me as I know that I will be
driven crazy trying to make it as perfect as possible, there will be no
compromise, no excuses such as the consideration that because this is a
first effort it is unlikely it will be completed to perfection. I have
no natural talent, painting and drawing are a struggle, the more complex
the more difficult it is for me. The same problem rises with writing,
often I obsess and delay for months unsatisfied with whatever it is I am
trying to write. It took ten years to write my memoir, yes a lot of that
delay was due to illness and OCD checking and ruminating but a
significant amount of delay was due to perfectionism. I am now once
again editing my memoir still unsatisfied.
October 3rd
Its so boring, exhausting depressing frustrating and
interferes with my OCD. What is it? Its decorating! :-( I just loath
decorating, apart from a short attempt a month or so ago we have not
confronted this task since the damp course was installed back in
February. Partly this was due to the exhausting and frustrating
endeavour of trying to find out how to proceed as you cannot just paint
with any ole paint and you cannot wallpaper for about twenty-four months,
at least that is the case for us because we have eighteen inch thick
stone walls and these have to dry out. However procrastination most
certainly had a lot to do with this. Just facing this arduous task which
none of us feel able to cope with for a variety of reasons is daunting
to say the least. Mostly for me this is because it interferes with my
routine and precipitates OCD and is exhausting, for me this is not an
easy task with all my aches and pains. Yes many women would opt out. A
neighbour’s wife will not lift a finger to do such jobs but that is an
old fashioned attitude and one that I certainly have never adopted. I
would feel guilty if I left this all to my husband and son. Because you
see we are all of us not well and not able to function in what would be
described as a normal manner in most aspects of our day to day lives.
My son finds decorating difficult, mostly I believe
due to apathy and depression but some of his less than enthusiastic
attitude arises from what in autistic circles would be referred to as
his preserverations. These are rather like obsessions but not in an OCD
sense although people with autism are prone to obsessive compulsive
behaviours and may of course also present with OCD as a duel diagnosis.
Rather preserverations are intense interests on a limited range of
subjects mostly only one or two. Often these interests are obscure and
within a narrow range but this is not always so. Often people with an
autistic spectrum disorder find it difficult to set aside involvement
in their preserverations to do mundane and daily things. It can even
cause stress and anxiety; tension, irritability, even depression may
arise. I guess this is the case for myself also and it is one of the
reasons I have given thought to the possibility that I am have in
addition to my OCD some form of mild autism. But more importantly my
preserverations for whatever reason they arise do tend to have quite an
effect on my attitude to boring jobs, such as decorating. My main perserverations or intense interests if you like are my activities on
the computer, particularly this website, and my artwork. My interests
are in religion although I no longer have belief or affiliation with any
particular religion. If you were to come into my home you would find
that most of the many books on my shelves are about religion
spirituality, esoteric or philosophical subjects. There is of course
some overlap here with my OCD religious/ scrupulosity issues but that is
another discussion for another time. However other more obscure or
limited interests have arisen in the past when most of my attention and
my reading would concern such subjects as: Tibet, its culture and
religion, the Chinese cultural revolution, the Russian revolution to
name just a few. During my obsession or preserveration with such
subjects I will read little of anything else everything having now
become uninteresting even boring. After a while another interest will
take its place the former falling into obscurity and the facts which
once held my interest fade from my memory as one interest replaces
another. One of the most devastating effects of my tension headaches
when the were extremely severe and prolonged, besides of course the
pain, was my inability to read and pursue my interests. However I
digress. Back to the boring subject of decorating.
For now the problem is decorating and our aversion to
this task. Not only is the pull of ones interests a problem but it is
the change in our routine that drives us all crazy. This is yet another
aspect of autism but one which I think that most people have when it
comes to decorating. I can’t think of a single person who has not
complained about the chaos and disruption caused by decorating.
As a suffer of severe OCD decorating is a fearsome
task of hand washing, showering, getting increasingly cranky, and
frustrated to the point of tears. Exhausted not only by the effort
involved in the actual process of decorating but also in the wearying
task of trying to contain contamination and all the exhaustive rituals
involved. Many people reading my blog may think that I give into my OCD
all too easily and yes this appears to be the case. However at this time
in my life I am not in a position to make a stand against my OCD and it
is therefore better for me in such instances when OCD interferes with my
endeavours, which sadly is most of the time, to work round my anxieties
by giving into the compulsive urges borne of these pervasive obsessions.
If I do not do so I am unable to participate in so many things. Today I
had to shower three times in order to complete this part of the
decorating. In-between the paint drying I cannot of course do anything
else: I cannot even sit down because of fears of contamination. Because
of my anxiety and obsession with the passing and wasting of time I
cannot of course just stand three doing nothing waiting for the paint to
dry. So today we decided to add to the chaos by going shopping for our
weekly food shop. To do this I have to shower, wash my hair and change.
This made my second shower of the day within only an hour or so of the
first. But in order not to waste time just standing there I had to
shower and change to permit me to go shopping as of course I would be
very anxious to go shopping feeling so contaminated by germs and the
usual dust and muck generated by decorating not to mention the toxic
chemicals involved, although I would imagine that fewer harmful chemicals
are involved in this water based paint.
Decorating for us is made more
difficult as the plaster has to be repaired and the dust generated by
this is overwhelming. I wear a mask but there is grit in my eyes, I
worry. Hypochondriacal attacks add all manner of frightening outcomes
not the least of which is possible blindness, or the clogging of my
lungs notwithstanding the protection afforded by the mask. My son
reminds me that the inhabitants of Pompeii died of congestion of the
lungs as their lungs filled with dust from the volcano, no comparison I
know but the thought is not helpful :-) There was quite a bit of white
dust after rubbing down the filler to smooth out the lumps. My son was
obsessing vacuuming like crazy, he having a thing about dust. So all in
all decorating is an exhausting endeavour. We still have the sitting
room to do and we are tempted to procrastinate further, it is so
difficult when you have so many problems. Some might say why bother.
Whist reading information about Beethoven for the previous entry I came
across a quotation that described Beethoven has being less than perfect
in his housekeeping. Baron de Tremont said the following concerning
Beethoven’s living space:
"...the darkest, most disorderly place imaginable -- blotches of
moisture covered the ceiling; an oldish grand piano, on which the dust
disputed the place with various pieces of engraved and manuscript music;
under the piano (I do not exaggerate) an unemptied chamber pot..."
Yes it would appear that perfectionists
are only so in areas that are important to them at least this was the
case with Beethoven and is the case with my son and I also when it comes
to decorating. Indeed when it comes to decorating perfectionism tends to
not be an issue, the main criterion being : get it over with as quickly
as possible. I mentioned Beethoven’s sloppy housekeeping to my son and
that I had read on the net somewhere that there was an old saying “A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. After which
my son kept commenting that Beethoven would not care if the sitting room
was left unpainted with bare half plastered walls exposed. If he where
alive today he would not be running down to the local DIY store all the
time. He would much rather be involved in what mattered most to him, in
Beethoven’s case his music. Yes I guess my son was looking for an excuse
to procrastinate, he suggested leaving it until Christmas, next spring,
the next century :-) Seriously though he was really fed up and wanted to
abandon the task altogether.
Yes maybe he is right. But there is a
kind of dammed it you do dammed if you do not situation here for people
who are depressed. Yes it is true that for us decorating is a trauma and
we are all much better if we are involved with our respective interests,
however on the other hand people who are depressed are effected by their
environment, at least this is the case for me. When you suffer with
chronic depression, a dirty dilapidated environment can impact on your
already depressed mood. A light clean home which is aesthetically
pleasing according to your personal taste may not relieve you of your
depression but it may help to take the edge of your mood or at the very
least does not compound the problem. Of course I can only speak from my
own experience; I would imagine that a sufferer of manic depression may
experience his or her depression differently. Depression like any other
malady, is not experienced the same in every person or even the
same way every time in the same individual. Rather like my migraine,
which does not present in exactly the same way during each attack,
depression presents in different ways, there indeed may be several types
of depression experienced within the same individual. I recognise in my
self at least three separate depressive states: the chronic moderate
depression, which may be dysthymic depression ; the more profound deep
kind of depression that presents rather more like an illnesses and
which is not easily mitigated by activity or perspective and into which
one sinks into the profoundest of gloom from which it is difficult to
eradicate oneself and which continues until rather like an illness it
has finished its course, and a third type of depression borne from the
negative thoughts propitiated by OCD and other types of negative
thinking. I ask my son to think how he will feel as the grey cloud
leaden days of winter present, with short days and long evenings and dark
dreary mornings when he has to get up in the morning and face a sitting
room that looks dilapidated with a kind of a pinkly grey wall with a
grimy grey margin of old plaster and what remains of the old wallpaper?
I know what my answer is... yes we have to somehow get this dam
decorating over and done with I can’t stand anymore aaaggghhhhh
October 4th
If I had my life to live
over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer
imaginary ones.
Don
Herold
Warning: some
swearing.
Have you ever wondered what you did to deserve
something? Well I often wonder this, but of course shit happens, but why
me...... Right in the middle of decorating I have to go to the doctors.
It is not a new problem but one that began one night some years ago and
involved a panic trip to the emergency clinic at my local hospital. I
had woken in the night with a feeling like pins and needles down my
right side accompanied by numbness and feelings of heat. At first I
thought that I had been lying down awkwardly and that after moving about
and shaking my limbs it would pass. Instead however it got progressively
worse and included strange sensations like something rising from the pit
of my stomach. I rang the doctor on duty at the hospital in a panic that
I was having a stroke although at the time I might have been perhaps a
little too young , but not apparently so as the doctor told me to come
straight in to accident and emergency night clinic for a check. After an
examination I was asked it I suffered with anxiety. Which after I had
confirmed this I was assured that these symptoms where most likely the
result of anxiety. (I bet the above sounds really familiar... well yes
it does because it is included in the first entry. This is a case of how
awful my memory is, whilst I was checking these October entries I
realised that I have only just explained all this in the October 1st
entry and I had completely forgotten I had done so, although there was
vague thought that I had explained this problem in a much earlier entry
and who knows maybe I have.)
I was told if they recurred on a regular basis to
consult my own GP. Over the next eight years or so I had the occasional
attack. However a couple of months ago these attacks became more
frequent and not only occurred after waking but during the daytime also.
They were now accompanied by my usual lump in the throat sensation and
other more usual feelings of anxiety, which for me are difficult to
describe.
Nonetheless typical of my increasing hypochondria as
usual I imagined the worse thinking that I was having a stroke. During
the last three or four weeks they have become steadily worse and more
frequent with three or more episodes each day along with a feeling of
weakness in my right leg which lasted all day on some occasions. I had
hesitated about seeing a doctor really scared that there was
something awfully wrong, such as a brain tumour. I had now more or less
accepted these where not strokes. I say more or less but this anxiety
still played its fearful scenario over and over in my mind, an inner
conflict of my trying to reason away these fears over strokes, as these
attacks or episodes had become so frequent that my common sense told me
that I could not possibly be having a stroke every day, interspersed with
fears that despite the unlikelihood of such frequent strokes I was
having some form of stroke each time theses attacks occurred. Mostly
now I worried I had a brain tumour despite the amount of time that had
passed since the first manifestation of these strange episodes. I had
also read about mitochondria disease and noticed one of the symptoms was
stroke like episodes. So I worried and fretted but hesitated to know one
way or another.
Anyway to cut a long story short... That would be the
day, I hear you cry! Sorry I cannot learn the skill of precise and
concise writing. Last night I had a particularly bad episode and was
still effected after being awake for a good number of hours. In addition
over recent weeks I had experienced tingling and numbness in my right
hand so bad it was making it difficult for me to use the computer and I
was now worried that in addition to the already described condition I
now had repetitive strain injury RSI. The problem was both conditions
rather appeared the same but of course RSI would not be quite as
pervasive to include the other symptoms . At this time I did not believe
the two conditions where related. Suffice it to say I felt I had to go
and get this sorted out, I was really becoming anxious. I was not keen
on consulting my doctor because of fears of how I would cope if I were
seriously ill but conversely the fearful consequences of ignoring this
and hoping for the best worried me should the worst case scenario
transpire. Torn with indecision as the clock ticked closer and closer to
8.30, the time I would need to telephone if I wanted a same day
appointment, I did not know what the hell to do. I can’t begin to tell
you the torment that ranged in my mind, thoughts vying with other
thoughts none rational but nonetheless in opposition. I even considered
the urgency to complete the decorating as an excuse not to go but than
just as quickly my mind would tell me that the decorating was not as
important as my health. Deep down underneath all the garbage of neurotic
thinking somehow on some level I knew my symptoms no matter how bizarre
where related to anxiety, at least these night time attacks not the RSI.
Maybe they were part of my fibromyaliga, I also considered that I may
have somatization disorder and I have considered this before, such
symptoms fit and I had recently read about this disorder describing similar symptoms. But today I was scared I
had had a really bad night.
Finally my husband rang and got me an appointment and
yes you guessed it after a thorough examination I was told the symptoms
were most likely anxiety and they may also be related to my migraine.
Although I cannot quiet see how as I am not in the throes of an attack
when these symptoms are present, but I did not ask for details I just
wanted to retreat to the safety of my home. A trip to the doctors was
unbelievably stress educing. I was
relieved of course but still these symptoms are just awful and there is
still some fear. The problem with RSI I actually forget to mention but
had in any case considered previously leaving this for now, as it would
confuse the issue. I at the best of times have difficulty in social
situations and explaining the nature of my symptoms particularly when
they are as bizarre as some which I suffer I with. I decided to consult
my regular doctor about the possibility of RSI at a later date.
October 6th
Well it is Friday and thankfully the decorating is
over after tears of frustration, even tantrums, complete meltdown and
most certainly exhaustion. Not to mention some nasty thoughts about the
previous occupants, the surveyor whom I consider did not give an
accurate assessment concerning the extent of the poor condition of the
plasterwork and the extent to which the damp course would be a problem,
and the occupants of times past who seem to have bodged one job after
another. The job is far less than perfect, none of us has either the
inclination or the motivation to perfect this task. For us our
perfectionist tendencies are reserved for endeavours that are of
interest to us, for me my website and my painting. Repairing the plaster
is a difficult almost impossible task not like icing a cake as I often
used to say when I was trying to persuade my reluctant and doubt ridden
husband that we could plaster the walls ourselves.
It took hours to remove the layers of wallpaper from
the walls, some was at least a century old, no I am not joking here,
there appeared to us to be the remains of what looked like Edwardian
wallpaper and boarder so embedded into the wall the design was fixed
into the plaster. Naturally this caused anxiety of an OCD nature,
imagine damp mouldy wallpaper goodness knows how old, I wondered what
germs lay dormant now released into he air breathed into my lungs. I had
to press on, guilt prevented me from abandoning this task and leaving it
too the others although in addtion to my OCD I am of course quite ill
and for these reasons my leaving this part of the job to others more
able to do than I would have been justified. But hey in addition to the
guilt I just wanted to get it done.
I have to admit that by yesterday
afternoon I was past caring, I do not have the stamina for whatever
reason that other people tend to have, neither does my son who groaned
and complained and lounged around in apathy after a fairly energetic
start. My husband like a lost soul does know where to start and doesn’t
seem to have any sense of aesthetics of what looks right and what does
not so he is likely to skip over things. And that is how it is, we seem
to start off okay and after a couple of hours or so we simply cannot
cope for various reasons due to our disorders. Mind you I had been busy
since 6 AM sanding down the plaster by hand trying to rectify
yesterday's sloppy job. As I stood there I wandered what on earth the
neighbours would think seeing me at this hour. Yes you would be
surprised who is lurking about at this hour going to work, walking dogs
and so on. I had been so stressed by this job and wishing to get it over
with that there I was not having even bothered to change from my night
cloths sanding down the walls, anxious tense ready to scream. I wore a
mask but still my mouth tasted and I worried about my lungs, my eyes,
dust everywhere it was like some nightmare. I have grown to hate this
house, it is like a house from some sort of hell realm as though for deeds long past and now
long forgotten I have been consigned to the hellish torment by Karma or
whatever to an eternity of decorating this house over and over for ever
and ever. I am of course joking but it certainly feels that way, it is
rather like the forth bridge; when it is finished at one end the task is
resumed at the other. We are not the type who keep decorating simply
because we become fed up with the decor as indeed many people do, no the
need to decorate has been thrust upon us by this dammed house which how I wish
I have never clamped eyes on.
But it is done, at least for now,
not the best of jobs but at least we did not have to a part with huge
amounts of cash demanded so frequently these days for any job of this
type. People today seem so greedy that now if it is at all possible we
try to do just about any job ourselves short of roof work or tasks
involving skills required of an expert such as an electrician or plumber.
The simple fact is we can not afford to have this job professionally
done. Plastering is of course a skilled job but this was more of a quick fix
with a new product that you just wipe on; yes rather like icing a cake,
mind you I could never ice a cake. It was not as easy as it looked and I
know we have made a mess of it and we should have been more patient,
more careful but when you are miserable and depressed all you want is for
it to be over. When you feel so wretched it is not easy to take on a
task such as this which involves a huge disruption of your routine. My
son in particular was very anti decorating and kept reminding me of
Beethoven and his attitude to such tasks that at one pint I regretted
bring up the subject of the composer and his sloppy slovenly approach
which may have been a result of his manic depression. Tonight in the
different reflection of the artificial light the lumps and bumps and
unevenness are just dreadful, I wondered if the imperfection despite our
cart-blanch attitude during the actual undertaking of the job would now
drive me crazy. Odd isn't it how your perspective changes. During the
process of applying the plaster, I recalled and quoted my mothers
favourite adage: A blind man on a galloping horse would be glad to see
it. What an odd expression, but the point I am sure is obvious, But... agggghhhh it does look awful!
But it was this DIY job or nothing, a professional decorator would cost
a fortune and now it is painted it looks better than it did
notwithstanding it's less than perfect outcome.
I am having great difficulty making this entry, the
numbness and tingling is so bad and now there is a dull pain, but I push
through this although if I do have RSI I should not do so, it will
only compound the condition and make recovery take longer, months even
years. But I must not panic yet as of course I have not consulted a
doctor about this aspect of the problem. If this part of my life is
taken away from me I do not know what I will do. My activities on the
computer are the only thing that keeps me sane. It is of course not only
the computer but I have noticed these sensations whilst painting and
drawing. The odd thing is the sensations described earlier seem now to
have been precipitated by my writing along with the RSI injury type
symptoms although these cannot possibly be symptoms of RSI. I have the
most bizarre symptoms sometimes that I could not even begin to describe
and this is looking as though it is going to be more of the same.
Concerning the symptoms in the above entry I still cannot understand
that if these symptoms were due to anxiety why do they occur mostly on
one side only? Although I have experienced them slightly on the other
side it is unusual and the sensations are less extreme.
The mind however appears to have an incredible effect
upon the body or are such strange unexplained symptoms with no pathology
simply the result of our ignorance. Perhaps there are other factors
involved which effect our health for which science has yet to recognise
the cause. Some obscure hitherto undiscovered cause of illnesses that
with our present knowledge cannot be properly explained. It took time
did it not, centuries to realise or at least accept by scientific
consensus that illness was caused by organisms such as bacteria viruses
and pathogens. Perhaps there is a hitherto unidentified source of
illness yet to be discovered which may explain these bizarre maladies
other than of course the hypothesis that the mind effects the body. I
find it so difficult to accept that it is anxiety that is producing such
odd symptoms. Yes it is anxiety that causes the symptoms referred to as
a panic or anxiety attack. Indeed these symptoms I can relate to
such as the lump in the throat, the racing heart, dizziness and so on.
However these other odd symptoms are more difficult to accept as related to an
anxiety attack as such. Come to think of it I am not so sure that an
anxiety or panic attack is due to the state of mind of the sufferer,
many panic/anxiety attacks seem to come out of the blue and are not
always precipitated by a phobic or other fearful state of mind. The
other option that such symptoms are caused by my mind
in a psychosomatic sense is difficult to accept, it is indeed
inconceivable to even consider
that it is my mind that is causing these problems as they are just so
real and as tangible as any organic illness for which there is an
obvious cause. Yet at this time it is considered that ones mind can
cause all sorts of physical symptoms which to the sufferer feel as real
as any physical illnesses.
I would really appreciate some comments please. I am
in the throes of creating a form but in the meantime please respond by
e-mail. I would like to publish your comments but I will not do so
without your permission. So if you do comment please indicate clearly if
you would like your comments published as I will not do so without your
clear indication that this is okay. I cannot provide the type of set up
available in a blogger service but I will try to format a choice for you
to comment either by e-mail or a form with a separate window for
your comments for those who would like them published.
October 7th.
Sometimes I think that because of my OCD I can be of
little use to anyone. Particualry now that my condtion has become so
severe and has been joined by other illnesses. Before the onset of this
more severe period of my OCD and my headaches and migraine I used to
work in the local Oxfam shop. I did this not as a distraction from my
OCD because as you can imagine it was no easy matter with contamination
OCD to work in a charity shop which sold second hand clothing, and I had
many anxious moments as you will read in my memoir. I am now of course
far too ill to engage in such activates, even if my OCD was less severe
I could not be relied upon to regularly do this kind of work due to my
headaches and migraine. I do miss this work to some extent as one can
feel so useless sometimes, although to be honest right now I am so beset
by the adversity of illness in one way or another that I really never
consider the possibilty of doing this type of voluntary work nowadays.
However I can still make a little difference via the internet and one of these
way is by signing petitions and participating in on-line campaigns. Some
of these I will share with you here should you also wish to participate.
These take little time to do and should not be too much of
a problem for
anyone, but of course this may not always be the case, as during severe
OCD and depression many things once so easily undertaken become huge
tasks. Of course I ruminate and check and obsess about what I write in
the comments section of the petition form, but this is the way it is
right now when I have to write anything. But in the end I comment to the
best of my ability and I am glad that I have done so despite the
difficulties involved.
You do not have to make a comment you can simply add
your name to the petition.
Here are a couple of petitions for you to sign, if you
feel you would like to do this. I hope no one minds my occasional
requests or rather suggestions to readers of my blog to sigh petitions.
It need not of course be said but it is entirely your choice. It might
not seem much in the great scheme of things but every action produces a
result and positive actions bring about positive results.
The first petition concerns the tragedy in Sudan.
It is a petition to Tony Blair however anyone one from any country may
sign this petition.
The following is an excerpt from the introductorily
information for this petition
"The tragedy in
Darfur has reached a critical moment.
Already millions of Darfuris - driven from their homes - are completely
dependent on international aid for food, medicine and shelter. But due
to escalating violence, much of that aid can no longer reach those who
need it most.
A UN peacekeeping force remains the only hope to bring peace to the
region.
But the peacekeeping force - already authorised by the UN Security
Council - might never make it to Darfur if the Sudanese government
doesn’t agree to let it in. That's why it's so important that our world
leaders ramp up the pressure and demand that the peacekeepers are
admitted."
To sign this petition please click the link below.
Tell Prime Minister Blair: Stop the Darfur Genocide Now
Petition
The next petition concerns the manatee an endangered species. The
petition's aim is to prevent manatees from being exempt from the Marine
Mammals Protection Act.
Developers do not like these protections
because such restrictions require that they take precautions near
Manatee habitat. If manatees are excluded from the Marine Mammal
Protection Act many will be killed or maimed as there will be no
safeguard in place for the welfare of these creatures.
The following is an excerpt from the petitions
introductory explanation:
"The House of Representatives recently voted not only to gut the
Endangered Species Act, but in a last minute attempt to please
developers, Representative Adam Putnam (R-FL) added an amendment to
exclude the endangered manatee from protections under the Marine Mammal
Protection Act (MMPA).
Manatees are found over publicly-owned submerged lands -- the water
bottoms of rivers, estuaries, and bays. These lands are like public
parks -- they are managed by the state in trust for all the people.
Virtually everyone agrees that imperiled species should be protected
when they inhabit public lands, but this amendment leaves the fragile
manatee out to dry.
Under Congressman Putnam's amendment many dock-building projects that
would likely hurt or kill manatees will be able to move forward with
little or no conservation measures. This amendment will exact a major
toll on manatees because boat strikes continue to be the largest known
cause of manatee deaths in Florida.
The Putnam amendment is headed for the Senate and we
must stop it from passing. Sign this petition to stop the exemption!
"
Again anyone from any part of the world may
sign. The welfare of all creatures is everyone's concern no matter where
you live.
To sign this petition
please click the link below.
Don't Exempt Manatees from The Marine Mammal Protection Act! Petition October
8th
Concerning comments I would really appreciate it if
anyone noticing any mistakes to please point them out. Today I have
noticed that the HTML version of my memoir is in a bit of a muddle, the
formatting is all over the place. For a perfectionist such as myself
this is anathema indeed :-) I am sure I corrected this but it
appears that this is not the case. Sorry for any inconvenience this may
have caused and I will attempt to rectify this as soon as possible.
Please also consider sending in graphics of your
artwork and other artistic or literary accomplishments. I hope to update
my website again at the end of the month. I welcome also your personal
stories concerning your experiences with any of the condtions
included on this website. Sometimes I wonder if any one reads all this
stuff, although my statistics on the server indicate that they do. I
might include a guest book at some point. I welcome all comments good,
bad or indifferent
October 9th
The day is glorious, a clear blue autumnal sky, so clear and bright if
it were not for the slightly chilly breeze and the profusion of bright
red berries on some of the trees you might think it was spring. It’s a
real treat to be going out- at least in a way but often it does take
effort, a struggle against ones inclinations just to stay home and not
have to face all the effort and anxieties involved in such trips out. It
is a fight to overcome my depression to find the motivation to face all
the preparation which an OCD sufferer such as myself has to face. it is
a long and protracted business of choosing the right cloths; taking care
to be extra clean; well... you know the problems I have gone into great
detail in previous entries and it serves no purpose to run through them
all again.
Despite the relief I felt that finally the decorating
was over, apart from some perfectionist tenancies which are fading
concerning the less than even plaster, there is still no peace of mind,
such moments are indeed fleeting. And this is the case for everyone with
OCD or other anxiety disorders. When one distressful preoccupation is
over another takes its place, although of course after so many years of
suffering with OCD often ones mind is beset by many worrying thoughts,
frightening obsessions that absorb ones time with exhausting compulsions
that at no time is one ever truly free of them. I guess what I am trying
to say is that the decorating was such an arduous task that other
thoughts have not intruded in quite such a insistent way with of course
the possible exception of the panic induced visit to the doctor. When
you have OCD you always have some problem or another, your mind quickly
finds something else to focus your attention upon. I think that many of
us with OCD also have GAD. We tend in more general aspects of our lives
to be compulsive worriers worrying excessively over this or that, minor
things that others take in their stride or consider of no or little
consequence at all. A payment for a bill arriving late at its
destination, a new neighbour moving in, being late for an appointment,
forgetting someone's birthday, AOL, the British branch of AOL ISP,
being bought by The Carphone warehouse. yes really! The worry is that
things will change and perhaps the service we now have will not be
available. I have had AOL as my ISP since coming on-line in 1998. Someone with
GAD will worry about anything and everything
Moreover sometimes you are beset with that awful free floating
anxiety or a kind of free-floating depression. Depressive moods, or, as
in my case as a sufferer of chronic depression, an increase in my
depression, sometimes happen for nothing in particular. This morning
before I had time even to get my bearings I woke with feelings of
anxiety and depression, a different kind of depression than the chronic
gnawing type of depression that is my constant companion. Rather it is a
depression that inflicts its misery rather like an illness and rather
like an illness departs when it has run its course.
However after finally getting going it was great to be out and away
from that house. It is also nice to leave my son to his own devices, as
we do all need some space and time to ourselves.
I had forgotten how lovely the scenery is as we made our way to the
Pennine hills towards Cows Green reservoir, a favourite place of ours as
regular readers to my blog will know. The clarity on this bright day of
the magnificent scenery is a balm to the eyes. There are few tourists
here now that the season is over, there are in any case few tourists
here as most people are not aware of some of the amazing unspoilt
scenery here with rolling hills, the fast flowing streams, the miles and
miles of footpaths through unspoiled countryside. Here you can pick up
the The Pennine Way which is considered to be a challenging long
distance
walk of a of 267 miles. A rather too ambitious routine for me
though :-).
Sounds idyllic but of course for people like me ones fears are never
far away and I am tormented by many unhappy thoughts. This morning I
received an e-mail from someone I knew in Sussex, a former colleague of
my husband to tell me about a mutual friend another former colleague who has
had several strokes, this lady is younger than I. My husband and I have
known her for many years she had worked with my husband for over twenty
five years until the firm went into liquidation. She is very ill and her
life has been greatly marred by this tragedy and I thought of her most of
the day. I also thought of the fate that awaits all the adorable
creatures we encounter, sheep and cows. I had taken a book to read, Oliver
Sacks an Anthropologist on Mars, case histories of neurological disorders
including autism and a section about Temple Grandin an autistic
professor concerned with animal science who is involved in work to make
the killing of animals in a slaughter house more humane. I can of course
never condone such practices, which to me are utterly abhorrent, however
humane I cannot accept the killing of any animal. The description of the
abattoir and Dr Sack’s reactions played upon my mind and imagines
conjured by my imagination haunted me. It is a beautiful world and we all
delight in cute little lambs which arrive each spring and adorable
calves such as those in the pictures that follow but nonetheless sit
down to eat meat. To me now at this time in my life this all seems so
incongruous, we love animals, and we in the UK have a worldwide
reputation for our fondness of animals yet we slaughter thousands each
year. Tiny little lambs no more than six months old are taken from
their mothers and slaughtered. The whole thing makes me ill and the
thoughts of this tragedy haunt me and mar the beauty of this idyllic
scene. I am amazed and fail to comprehend why we cannot see the
horrendous nature of this now unnecessary cruelty and inhumanness. But
people are simply not aware are they and for the most part do not think
about it. Did you know that in ancient Grease despite the interest in
philosophy that it seemed not to occur to anyone, not even to the great
philosophers of the times that slavery was wrong!
Incidentally An Anthropologist on Mars is a
fascinating book although some of the case histories are sad. And
although I do not agree for one minute concerning Temple Grandin's work
in the meat industry, although she has her own perspective of course and
considers her work as being an important part of animal welfare she has written some very interesting books and has
some good advice for those of us who suffer with anxiety. She has also
done much to raise awareness about autism.
I am a vegetarian and have been so now for about
fifteen years. During the last eighteen months I now on longer eat diary
products because of the abuse of the animal that this entails. I will
only buy free-range eggs. So animal welfare is for me a big issue and
the cruelty inflicted upon all creatures causes me immense sadness. I
have a dream in which no more animals are killed for food and instead
return to their wild state allowed to roam free over the wild
unspoilt hills here as other animals do in the wilds of Africa, America, Australia and other places of
wide-open countryside. Few people who live elsewhere realise just how
much open and unspoiled countryside is left here in the UK and it is not inconceivable
to me that farm animals cannot not roam free. None are dangerous unlike
man's best friend the dog who is not always everyone’s best friend; we
have had a few unpleasant encounters with dogs including unleashed Rottwielers Of course dogs are not exempt from my love of animals, I have by most
peoples standards radical views on the welfare of animals and think it
cruel that we enslave animals including dogs, horses and any animal that
we use for our own needs. Why people do not think it cruel to ride a
horse or even make it pull a cart mystifies me. How can not people see that it is cruel to keep a bird
in a cage, a rabbit in a hutch, a fish in a bowl going round and round
and round often with absolutely nothing in the bowl but water! Now
please do not release your bird, rabbit or your fish into the wild
because now they are domesticated and they would not survive. Yes I know
you would not be so silly as everyone knows this of course. But as I
have OCD I am compelled to say this otherwise I will worry that someone
will release a pet into the wild. This is the kind of fear that makes
it difficult for me to write anything, it is not borne of
egocentricity... who does this person think she is thinking that people
would do such a thing simply because she suggested that pets should not
be in cages. No the fear arises from my anxiety that whatever I say may
have a detrimental effect. You see my hypersensitive brain can perceive
a negative effect arising from any comment, however benign or
unintentional. My mind can see how any comment could be misconstrued
with disastrous effects. Now I feel the compulsion to once again advise
you not to send a domesticated-caged animal out into the wild. Aaaaaggghhhhh these
obsessions drive me crazy they make me look such an idiot and they do
offend people.
Below are photographs of some of the lovely scenery in this area and
some of the friendly animals we encountered.
Below are photographs of cows Green Reservoir and surrounding hills.
The reservoir is on the Cumbria /County Durham boarder. It is a quiet
and remote area of outstanding natural beauty. Even in the height of the
summer there are relatively few visitors. It is a great place for those
of us who appreciate a bit of peace and quiet.
For more information please click the following link:
Cows Green Reservoir, North Pennines, Cumbria and Durham
This very friendly
sheep arrived hoping for a feed. Unfortunately we had finished our
lunch. I really felt so guilty she circled the car several looking in at
us with those sad expectant eyes. You are of course not supposed to feed sheep but she would have been
difficult to resist.
More photographs
by John for use as desktop wallpaper
October 10th
Those of you who are regular readers of my blog will know of my
interest in autism and my consideration that there may be a connection
between autism and OCD. It does appear that autism often presents in
families where a family member, not necessarily a first degree relative,
has OCD. So I thought that some of you may find the following link
useful. The on-line conference is now over but there are many
interesting papers available on-line. You will need to register but this
is easy all you have to do is provide an e-mail address and a password.
I believe the discussion boards are open for three months from the
commencement of the conference which as October 3rd.
AWARES Conference Centre
October 11th
Today my sister would have been fifty-five had she lived. We are once
again in Durham Cathedral to light a candle to her memory, it is merely
a gesture of remembrance as I have no commitment to any religion. Of the
cathedrals we have visited in the region Durham has a peaceful calm
about it and today we can spend a few moments remembering the sadness of
the loss of my sister. Fiddling with the candle to place it in the
candle holder it rolls under the stand and out of sight, the moment is
spoiled as I have those awful OCD religious ruminations that I have to
pay for another but I know my husband will be stressed and reluctant to
do so and the moment will be lost to OCD thoughts and silly bickering.
He really does not understand at all about these more idiosyncratic
types of OCD, but is anxious now about money and rightly so but it is
and always has been for him a real blight on his life and since being
made redundant from his job naturally his fears have been compounded. I
rage at the perversity of life, how every single task seems so
difficult, how OCD presents in anything and everything and I am not even
allowed this moment to remember my sister without the intrusion of OCD
type anxieties.
I try to set this aside and think for these few moments about my
sister but the thoughts return I feel I need to pay for another candle
or somehow get it out from under the table. I tell myself that I will
pay for it next time I came in when it will be less problematic but the
thoughts keep returning the way OCD thoughts do. We sit down to chat
about my sister I see the candle under the table. Finally my husband
retrieves it after a struggle. I resent OCD so much sometimes it can
turn a small irritation into a huge catastrophe with dreadful
consequences - at least that is the scenario that plays in my mind. My
perspective of a tiny annoyance so easily rectified by simply buying
another candle or not as of course the candle would have been retrieved
and placed back in the tray once the cleaner had cleaned underneath, so
really I am doing nothing dishonest although my OCD logic tells me
otherwise. Scrupulosity is big issue anywhere but in church it is more
so...well you can read all about my religious scrupulosity OCD in my
memoir and my story. It is not the problem it once was, it is perhaps
less pervasive possibly because I am not involved with Christianity or
committed to any religion, but nonetheless this problem remains and
interferes with many aspects of my life and this today is one of them.
OCD can make any situation so much worse and somehow most of the time
has been spent trying to work my way round this insignificant incident
to which others would not give a second thought.
I should point out here that my scrupulosity is not dependant on
religious belief, rather for me it is an innate way of being on which
OCD has attached it self to exaggerate and turn into a convoluted and
intricate obsessive compulsive-behaviour that at times has me thinking
that honesty, ethical and moral behaviours are nothing more than a pain
in the neck which cause me misery and I find myself thinking that wish I
did not set so much store by honesty and always doing the right thing,
simply because OCD has distorted such tendencies to horrendous
proportions.
I miss my sister and my mind turns now to existential fears of death
and considerations that I may never see her again. But I nonetheless
wonder if she is here in some way, or at least I hope that she is, and
knows that I think about her. My mind goes back to my brother-in-law
Mike who this time last year stood with us in this very same place but
now I can think only of how I miss him as he died last year.
To see some of the lovely patchwork Lynda completed and read her
story click the links below. The photographs really do not do justice to
her work, particualry her final piece. I am trying to find somewhere to
exhibit the Elephant quilt, a craft or patchwork museum but such is
proving difficult. Lynda worked on this piece for her City and
Guilds examination, she had worked so hard to complete this four year
course in Patchwork and Appliqué against much adversity caused not only
by her anorexia nervosa, panic disorder, social phobia and agoraphobia
but also her heart condition. Lynda had never before achieved anything
quite so significant often prevented from doing so because of the
severity of her anxiety. At times she wanted to give up because she lacked self confidence; feeling anxious because of the social
interactions having to contend with her social phobia, her anxiety and
her overwhelming fear ,so this was a great achievement for someone so
afflicted. This achievement serves to illustrate what can be done
despite all odds. Often many of us tend to just allow these awful
disorders to hold sway over our lives, run rough shod over our ambitions
and sometimes we feel so overwhelmed it may appear easier to give in,
but Lynda always tried as I always try for you need to make the best of
your life as far as you can otherwise your illness will have had all its
own way and you will than be tormented with regret.
Lynda's Story
Lynda's Patchwork and Quilting
October 12th
Negativity negativity negativity!
I am so sick and tired of all the negativity in the
media and in society in general. I have just signed on to the Internet
to read the following on AOLs opening page “Size matters in car
safety. Drivers of 4x4s or people carriers are 50 times less likely to
die in accidents than people in small cars, study shows”
Do we really need this information? What use is it if you can only
afford a small car? What about the environment and the effects that
running a large petrol juicy car has? One minute we are being told to
curb our use of petrol to limit the carbon monoxide emissions and the
next they are frightening the hell out of us by telling us the small car
we are now running is more dangerous and we are now more likely to be
killed if it is involved in an accident. Admittedly in the complete
article it was pointed out that if everyone drove small cars there would
of course be no problem but this is never going to happen neither are we
ever going to stop huge lories from speeding with callous disregard for
the lives of motorists in smaller vehicles, bikers and cyclists.
No wonder people are over eating and
smoking! And don't you just get sick of these stupid government
officials including Toney Blair who waffles on about healthy meals for
kids and that the reason that kids are not healthy and people are obese
is because they need educating about healthy eating. Duhhhhh.. Does it
not occur to you Toney Blair and your unenlightened cronies that hey
perhaps parents in deprived areas of high unemployment cannot afford to
buy expensive low calorie food such as salad. Did anyone see the
breakfast news the other day with a sample packed lunch for a child
consisting of a wrap filled with strawberries! What planet are they
living on? Not this one that‘s for sure. I doubt if many people in the
town sited, Easington Colliery in an area of high unemployment, as
having the highest percentage of obese people in the country can afford
to give their kids packed meals to include strawberries. And hey perhaps
people have psychological problems. Well wouldn’t you if you had to live
on £50 per week job seekers allowance because you couldn't get a job
because the government allowed greedy corporations to take jobs abroad
where they than exploit the very low paid workers there so they can
accrue huge profits. Or you have a job for basic minimum wage and you
were worked to death working all the hours God made so you could pay
your huge mortgage that is eight times higher than the average wage or
you have to pay ludicrous amounts of rent. Perhaps you are too tired
after working a second or even a third job to prepare a natural healthy
meal and keep to a calorie controlled diet. Have you not heard of
comfort eating Mr Blair? Wouldn’t you stuff your face with the only food
you could afford, high calorie stodgy food? No obesity for the most part
has little to do with lack of education it has more to do with poverty
and unhappiness.
Unhappiness that is accentuated by the continual round
of negativity with which we are fed day after day. Lets look at last
week on breakfast TV, one day it was Alzheimer's and the NHS’s refusal to
supply medication to sufferers in the middle stages of the disease,
medicine costing only about £2.50 per day. Another day it was the
horrors off some form of arthritis. Yes in a way these were informative
segments intended to rise empathy and understanding for those whose
suffer with these terrible diseases and as such of course is commendable
and concerning Alzheimer's the highlighting of a very serious and unjust
issue. The problem however arises in the fact there is no balance, no
positive segments to counteract these more negative inclusions. Surely
there is something positive happening somewhere in the world. Instead of
highlighting crime how about a program on a town or city where the crime
rate is low. Instead of neighbours from hell how about neighbours from
heaven. Cannot we have a program about the most friendly caring city,
town, village or street. Who has not suffered the negative effects of
the programme Neighbours from Hell and other similar programmes. A few
months ago now as we were retuning home from a trip out we noticed the
For Sale sign in our next door neighbour's front garden. I cannot begin
to describe how sick inside I felt, the very thought of having new
neighbours made me feel physically sick. Why? How do I know that my new
neighbours would not be wonderful people, considerate, friendly.... I
don't know but I assumed the worse as did my other neighbours and for
weeks we lived with this anxiety. Why? Simply because of that negative
programme and others like it. In any area now when a house goes up for
sale the immediate neighbours or those who do not even live in direct
proximity are anxious wondering if they too will get a neighbour from
hell. Incidentally the sale did not go ahead it was due to a break up
and one of the partners left and the other remained and continued to live in the
house.
This morning I have decided not to watch TV whilst we
have breakfast. I only do this because it is probably the only time
during the week we sit down to relax together my son and I, my husband
continues to mess about doing whatever he does in the kitchen but we
like to sit and relax and enjoy breakfast but my son seems to want his
dose of doom and gloom. But sometimes I think that those who suffer with
depression and anxiety should perhaps avoid the news and other negative
programmes, which unfortunately at this time seem of prolific,
particularly in the morning which is a more sensitive time for those of
us who suffer in this way. So now unless there is something of real
concern in the news rather than all the scare mongering I will avoid the
news particularly at this time of day. In recent months also I have
avoided negative gloomy TV series. Have you noticed just how depressing
and dark TV series are nowadays negativity is not merely confined to
news and documentaries most series have a gloomy foreboding atmosphere
to them. These I avoid as they make me feel depressed with a kind of heavy
feeling not easy to describe.
For a more balanced perspective of the news you may
find the link below of interest.
Good News
October 14th
Do you ever get one of those days when nothing goes
right from morning til night? Well so say the words of the song quoted
from memory the title and singer’s name I cannot now remember.
Today was most certainly one of those days, it is odd
isn’t it how some days no matter what we do from the sublime to the
ridiculous, from the trivial to the profound nothing goes right and we
are left frustrated and asking ourselves why. I do not of course have
the answer to this, perhaps it is some glitch in the operation of our
brain so that perhaps on some days we simply cannot cope with things
that other days do not present such a problem. But it seems more than
that, as was the case for me personally today.
Right from signing on to the internet the computer
really messed up I couldn’t even sign on to the internet for a good
while and eventually I had to restart the computer, than Microsoft had
downloaded something and the computer would automatically restart again
! My writing for my website just would not progress with the spontaneity
it usually does I had what only can be described as writer’s block.
Furthermore what I did mange to write when reading it back during the
usual round of exhaustive checking made no sense, nether did the entry
made the day before even though it appeared okay when I wrote it. It
seemed impossible to find what I was looking for on the Internet, I
become frustrated, irritated.
It was my husband’s birthday and my OCD today was an
absolute nightmare of anxiety and the preparatory rituals before baking
a cake for him where more excessive than usual, beginning with scolding
the scissors to cut the paper to line the baking dish, also cleaning
rewashing the baking dish, constant hand washing, ruminating about the
margarine being contaminated because someone had used it to spread it on
their bread which had been defrosted and which I thought was more likely
to contaminate the margarine. I had to make myself resist the compulsion
to throw it way and start all over gain by reminding myself that cooking
would kill the bacteria. We had no baking powder and had to go to the
local shop to get some. We had to shut down the computer, unplug
everything and cope with this the usual round of checking rituals before
leaving the house as my son was also on his way out. More often than not
we are out at different times and the awful checking rituals of plugs in
sockets, the closing of windows and so on is not such problem but today
right now in the middle of all this stress trying to bake a cake this is
the last thing I need. The local shop which is really in the next
village has just recently been open after weeks of refurbishing and the
building of extensions for a wider range of products, but they did not
sell baking powder but sold chocolate cake covering aggghhh Really
frustrating has we will have go three miles to the nearest supermarket
just for one tin of baking powder and hand cream which I was in
desperate need of because of the dryness of my hands and I am sure I do
not have to elaborate on that one.
Finally the cake gets into the oven but as I was preserverating (obsessing) on the computer trying to struggle with my
writer’s block and stressing out trying to find pictures of snow to
assist me with my artwork and my husband similarly preoccupied watching
TV the cake burns. And so it goes on one thing after another. I nag my
husband for being inattentive although I also was preoccupied. The cake
is not a complete disaster the burn can be scrapped off and it will not
be so obvious after icing. Another problem after learning there are 600
plus calories in just 100 grams of margarine and I have already used
eight ounces in the cake and need a further four in the butter icing. I
feel panicked. I have not paid too much attention to calories for some
years now not since I was on the verge of becoming anorexic about
fifteen years ago when daily headaches and migraine resulted in my
putting on weight because I was so fearful that not eating much would
bring on an attack. But now this sudden reminder of the huge amount of
calories in such products leaves me feeling rather anxious, I cut out the amount of
some of the margarine required for the icing and it spoiled the taste so
all in all it was not the best of cakes.
I cannot get my painting right and paint it over and
over. It is a painting of sheep in the snow. I am hopeless at painting
snow or anything else from my imagination and could not get the snow to
look right after several tempts. I get depressed. Yes sad I know
particularly after all that rambling about perfectionism it does seem
rather hypocritical for me but I cannot help the way that my minds works
in this or any other respect. At least I have insight into what is
happening and can be therefore less easily led away into this
unrealistic state of mind. Finally after several attempts I abandon this
finally recognising that to day no matter what I do nothing will go
right
I try to cook my husband a special dinner but I cannot
cook alone as most times it ends up in the bin. I don’t feel it will be
much of a treat if I get my husband to help although it is more for
moral support than actual participation as I am less likely to give into
OCD if someone else is present when I cook or prepare food. But it is
his birthday so I leave him in peace and try to go it alone, my son is
out. You guess it. The stuffing I was using to stuff the peppers tasted
awful. It consisted of rice flakes and lots of other odd stuff. I have
never used this brand before, it is gluten free we do this now mostly
for my son who is trying a gluten free diet. Anyway the problem was the
need to add boiling water and leave to it to stand for twenty minutes
before you either bake it in a dish or stuff whatever you wish to stuff,
in my case peppers. Now just after stuffing these peppers the thought
came to me as OCD thoughts do right at the most awkward moment possible
that you should not reheat rice as this is a very dangerous thing to do
and will result in a very hazardous type of food poisoning. Yes I know
it had only been left for twenty minutes and was not stone cold
nonetheless I panicked fearing food poisoning and throw it all into the
bin after scrapping it all out of the peppers which I than washed under
the tap than over cooked the whole lot to make sure the peppers were
fully heated as they had been cocking for awhile to soften them.
It was the first episode of a new series of Monk; the
detective with OCD whom I also think is an Aspie. We sat down and
watched the recorded episode that was shown in the afternoon. I know not
the way to have a special meal but my husband and son like to watch TV
while eating and it does mask the sound of eating. I cannot cope with
hearing the sounds made by people eating or drinking, the noise of
chewing food ,of slurping, swallowing and other sundry eating noises drives me crazy, it seems so loud
particularly in a quiet room. I can’t even cope sometimes with
swallowing noises even if people are not eating but just swallowing as
one does throughout the day constantly. No it has nothing to do with
anxiety, simply irritation it drives me nuts and is just well...
irritating.
The episode was the one in which Monk is confronted by
dog mess during his investigations into the murder of a jeweller,
couldn’t recall the precise scenario all I remember now is that dog mess
freaking me out! Hard to believe but it did. Even thinking about it now
the way someone picked it up , put it in a bag, sniffed it made me feel
really anxious, contaminated . Yes I know it is only a TV programme the
dog mess was of course not dog mess and even if it were the programme
was recorded I was sitting here thousand of miles away. But it was the
thought I guess, just the very thought of such a thing rather like the
time many years ago when I had to wash my hands every time I touched a
mock exam paper I was using in my preparation for a biology exam that
had a question in it about rabies. I really felt soooo uncomfortable and
this spoilt whatever remained of the rather messed about dinner that I
could enjoy.
October 17th
Today was the first time I did something outside in the street in our
neighbourhood that would look OCDish since moving here. I had to
spray the car door with disinfectant after having had a very stressful
encounter with a farmer spraying his liquid manure. Yesterday while in
the lake district we passed a field and just as we passed the farmer
sprays us, accidentally of course, while treating his fields with liquid
manure, fortunately I had closed the window which only moments earlier
had been open. I cannot imagine how I would have coped had the window
remind open as it was no easy matter by any means even with the window
closed to cope with this although only small amounts were spattered on
the windscreen and the side of the car which had faced the side of
the field as we passed by. Every time I got out of the car I had
to be mindful of this mess and if I did not the thought would come to me
that my hands had touched the manure despite evidence to the contrary.
Although it had been a pleasant day, the weather still
warm albeit cloudy at times, and up until now not too eventful, from
than on it seemed there was one OCD anxiety after another from cramped
grimy toilets, that is when there were any toilets, to dogs
roaming loose at an old abbey ruin which we had visited. Three dogs in
all, which were totally uninterested in us, they were possibly sheep
dogs as they seemed so well behaved and did not pester us as often is
the case these days with dogs particualry if they know that you are
anxious as dogs do. Nonetheless I was nervous as I am with any dog and these
dogs were quite grubby covered with mud which of course would make
matters worse, although the problem is not in any case due to the actual
dog more the fear of it being the carrier of disease particualry rabies.
If either of these dogs had come near enough to come into contact
with me my anxiety would have been in the extreme. I was by now very
anxious as it had been a day for dog related OCD problems.
Earlier we had been browsing in a shop in a nearby
village and noticed a large greyhound sniffing round the baskets outside
full of soft toys and other odds and ends. I had been about to buy one
of these soft toys but could not after this dog had been allowed to
sniff at it. I was angry as usual, I get so angry nowadays, the way
people behave drives me crazy. I know my behaviour is not normal
but neither is it right for dog owners to allow their dogs to sniff and
possibly salivate over products other people will buy, particualry toys
which may be given to a young child. I recall when my son was a baby
that because he was born premature how it was impressed upon me that
everything in his environment should be as clean as possible. It is a
fact that children under the age of two years have not developed a
natural immunity and therefore any toys of any kind should be hygienic;
in fact hygiene was stressed to the extreme. I was very careful
concerning my son at this vulnerable time in his life. Reminded of
this I could not but help think that this sort of behaviour was really not
acceptable, the young couple who owned the dog seemed totally
unaware even though I made some loud comments.
Yes indeed it was most certainly not a good
day for dogs. Now I do not dislike dogs, although I have some phobic
anxiety it is not just the OCD, but I really do feel that the
public in general should be more aware that many people have problems
with dogs in one way or another. Many dog owners forget that their
animal is a carnivore. Yes dogs have evolved along side man from wolves
to the present form of the myriad breeds we share our lives with today
but they are still nonetheless carnivores and many may be very
aggressive, moreover, many people are allergic and phobic. In the
car park where we parked to use the toilet there was some dreadful
barking from two spaniels one of which was straining at its lead, if it
had been released it would have most assuredly headed our way as it's
barks where aimed in our direction. I recall as a child being terrorised
by a spaniel, of screaming hysterical while cornered on many occasions by
this obnoxious aggressive animal which although it never attacked
nonetheless scarred the hell out of me and may be part of the reason
that I have trouble with dogs to this very day.
On the way out of the toilet a women went in with her
dog! That was a close shave if it had entered whilst I was in
there I think she would have really had a piece of my mind. The toilet
was very confined, three tiny cubicles and two wash basins not much room
for a dog scampering about. Now I really think there are limits surely I
can go to the toilet without fear of opening the door to leave the
cubicle and have
someone's dog jump up at me. Incidentally the dog had to be dragged
through the door it clearly was not keen to enter and I would not have
been happy for it to do so. This has happened before although
rarely, however once something like this happens it can be very
anxiety provoking indeed as often I imagine a dog has entered.
As I was leaving the abbey in a hurry anxious to get
through the gate to safety where the dogs were not able to roam I
dropped my bag and thereafter had to put it into a carrier bag to
disinfect when I returned home. The stress was not over however.
The previous visitor's a young couple had left the gate to the other
entrance open and one of the dogs trotted round, I panic it completely
ignored us heading along the path which would lead to the main road. Now
the fear of the dog turns to an over responsibility anxiety. What to do
about the dog which was now loose. Gates are closed for a reason in the
country and more so in a farm, everyone knows that surely. How stupid of
these people, how thoughtless and irresponsible, the gate was not merely
left swinging on its hinges unlatched which can happen if you do not
close them properly, no it was left wide open. I could not believe it,
angry I ranted about the thoughtlessness of stupid people. So what to do
about he dog? I could never in million years cope with entering the
farmyard or allow my husband or son to do so to find someone to retrieve
the dog. But I felt it was my responsibility to do something, despite my
fear of dogs and even my irrational anger at dogs I am concerned about
all animals. Besides these dogs were lovely creatures, yes you can tell,
their faces were placid even sad looking, they had looked weary and
depressed until the gate was left open and one of them suddenly took on
a new lease of life and scampered across the fields towards the road.
We followed in the car as this was the way out, we hope somehow to get
the dog to turn round. After crossing the cattle grid the dog stood and
watched us. My husband rolled down the window and shouted "Go home", at
which it turn round and scampered in the direction it had come hopefully
back to the farm. I had to accept that that was all we could do. I was
so mad at least people, I mean who does not know that you should always
close the gate in the countryside.
Any trip out of me is problematic it will never be
otherwise while my OCD remains a problem, but somehow
I do my best to go out the alternative of straying at home would be
unbearable but sometimes just sometimes I feel a little weary of the
continual battle with my mind and my body. I am always tense, on the alert
for possible OCD type confrontation and other issues. I weary and
stressed by endless
round of needing a toilet, and the problems this can cause as those of you
who suffer with OCD contamination know only too well.
There follows a selection of photographs taken over the
last two or
three days during which we have been out and about trying to enjoy the
last remnants of the warm and pleasant weather, although enjoy is a
word I feel that cannot feel use with any degree of
accuracy concerning my own situation
Photographs have been sized for desk top
wall paper. You will find more wallpaper on
John's photography pages.
This month there is a new selection of desktop wallpaper for you to
download.
We were very surprised
to see this tiny lamb and her mother grazing by the side of the road
a late arrival.
October 18th
Most
of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed.
Dale Carnegie
We are in Barnard castle; this is
the name of the town in county Durham. Yes there is a medieval
castle after which the town is named set on a hill overlooking
the river Tees. Today we have come to visit the castle which is
now a ruin, but a significant amount remains and you can get the
feel of the history and to imagine what life must have been like
than. I can’t imagine how I would have survived but of course
people than did not know anything else the same as today we
cannot imagine the future. The castle is set of course on a
hill, it overlooks the town and the fast flowing river and if
for nothing else it is worth paying the modest fee to enjoy the
view over the town and surrounding countryside.
But life certainly is difficult
for me today and I wonder what type of obsessions would have
beset me in times gone by when my world views would have been
completely different. In fact my view of the world would have
been so radically different that it is not possible to image
what life would have been like for people such as myself.
I would have however most likely have suffered with religious OCD as
indeed I do now and perhaps this would have been the only focus
of my OCD. I would imagine that in those days when religion
played a more significant part in people's lives that most OCD
sufferers would have presented with this type of OCD. Perhaps I would have washed my hands over and over as
I do today but this would have been to cleanse my sins rather
than to wash away germs which few if anyone in those days knew
existed. As we entered what was left of the great hall I looked
at the picture of an artists representation of what it would
have looked like, of people sitting round the table, communal
eating on a large scale, the nobles on the elevated platform and
others each side and dogs!!! Would I have been afraid of dogs,
would dogs have played a part in my OCD? Dogs are problem for me
because of my fear of rabies but in those days I would imagine
few people knew anything about rabies. The bubonic plague... well
yes of course wasn’t everyone scared of the plague, I cannot
imagine the fear, the incredible fear as thousands died. Yes
most certainly I prefer the present day despite its problems,
but problems have always existed have they not, life has never
been easy for anyone and never will be. But for those of us
afflicted with mental health problems a new dimension of misery
opens up.
Right from the time we set out on
this and similar trips I have to fight both my mind and my body.
Today there appears at this point to be hardly any sign of a
headache but there was some signs earlier, a slight headache
which lasted half an hour or so and which caused me to feel
depressed and anxious knowing I would somehow have to cope, too
anxious to change plans and not go out. I have the usual
irritable bladder which sets in the moment I step out of my
front door.
I am anxious and tense as we
arrive at the car park; this is free floating anxiety. I have
been here before but not often and this adds to this undefined
anxiety. We had previously stopped in the car park near the
supermarket at the entrance to the town to use the toilet yet
now I feel again that uncomfortable urge to urinate so extreme
sometimes it makes me feel ill, it is borne of anxiety and no
matter how many times I go to the toilet within minutes the
sensation returns. We hurry through the alley leading to the
town, my son bounding ahead spurred by tension and stress always
anxious always impatient it is difficult to keep up. Right in
front I see something on the pavement, is it dog mess, or a
trodden on dry leaf, it is not always easy to tell the
difference, my eyesight is not as keen as it once was and often
the surge of panic experienced is unjustified. Today this
hesitation causes momentary delay in my reaction to yell at my
husband following me behind to watch where he is putting his
feet. He says he missed it but I am not so sure. I nag at him to
pay more attention and remind him in no uncertain terms the
effect that the event of stepping in dog mess, even well dried
and barely perceptible dog mess, has upon me. I cannot be sure
so for the rest of the day my anxiety is centred on his sandals
which will be disinfected immediately on retuning home. But I do
not forget about it and I am conscious not to walk where he has
walked.
Our first stop is the local
church, much of the old medieval construction remains. My son is
interested in medieval churches so we enter although I am
anxious as such places often precipitate morbid contemplations,
existential anxieties, although such thoughts are never far from
my mind they are invariably brought to the fore in such places.
It is strange though that in larger cathedrals and ministers such
feelings present less frequently and often such places are more
peaceful. Odd I know but there is no logic to OCD, often its
manifestations are incongruous, contradictory, one of the
reasons that few people really understand it‘s inconsistent
complexity. We are met with a familiar smell as we enter, it is
definitely the same mysterious smell which I sometimes notice at
home. Perhaps it is due to damp or just the smells of an aging
building. A walk round the church yard does much to increase my
existential anxiety: the old green coloured gravestones some
obscured by ivy, a tomb with an effigy of the Grim Reaper would
certainly remind anyone of their own mortality. I can never
understand why people visit church yards to read grave stones,
morbid, depressing. My son is here to take photographs of the
outside of the church but I quickly hurry through anxious to
leave these obvious reminders of my greatest fear behind.
We enter a shop selling
paintings, feelings of inadequacy arise and I compare some of
the impressive art with my own but there is the balance of the
more crude renderings of those even less able than I. I hesitate
entering any shop of this nature, I am self conscious of the
social interaction, which inevitable presents as the sales
person greets us with simply a casual hello. I am anxious again
of my husband’s shoe although it looks clean there is still the
uncertainty. I cannot prevent him going into the shop and
somehow I have to cope but remain mindful watching where he puts
his feet. As I climb the stairs to the first floor I make sure
my cloths do no touch the ground as so often happens in such
situations when the stairs are steep and when I have difficulty
climbing them due to my aching knee joints. I am anxious
glancing round not really taking much of anything in accept in
the negative aspect already mentioned. I am always tense, rather
like my son always on the move finding it difficult to remain
still or relaxed rather like an animal always on the alert, like
the sheep of which I am very fond jumping at every sound. There
is a fantastic picture of two rams in a field of corn, again
feelings of inadequacy arise. I would very much like to have the
talent to paint such a detailed painting but doubt very much my
ability to do so. Yes perhaps normal people have similar
feelings but for people such as myself it is perhaps a greater
problem as ones self confidence is harmed and ones abilities to
use art as a means of distraction are diminished as apathy borne
of perfectionist tendencies sets in. Such tendencies are becoming
a huge problem for me these days and instead of being inspired
by the works of other artists I become discouraged, even
depressed.
We cross the iron bridge over the
river Tees. I am depressed and thinking about death, my
advancing age and that perhaps it would be better to die now and
get it over with as the pain of all my fear haunts me day in and
day out has it has done all my life, but now it does so with
increasingly frequency and I contemplate the number of years
that have passed and know there are more years behind me than
before me. Yet I want to live, life is still sweet despite the
agony of my torment and I dread the possible extinction of my
being, even a state of being as miserable as mine. I notice
cobwebs festooned between the railings, dozens of tiny flies
have become ensnared, I have the compulsion to wipe the cobwebs
away so no more of these tiny creatures become entrapped. But I
resist, there are so many and I could be involved in this
compulsion all day. Some years ago I spent some time wiping away
cobwebs from a fence and it became a compulsion and like all
compulsions it grew. My anxiety here is that I am responsible
for the deaths of all the insects that die as a result of
becoming trapped in these webs if I do not remove them. The
thought makes me ill of these tiny creatures fighting for their
lives struggling to extricate themselves. Moreover I fear the
guilt if I forgo this compulsion and I fear that in some
superstitious way something unlucky will happen. Yes to comply
enslaves one in a horrid compulsion that can take over your life
and eventfully confine you to your home as the exhaustion of
such an endeavour overwhelms you and you begin to be afraid of
going out even into your own back garden for fear of seeing
these cobwebs as you become increasingly beset by the compulsion
to remove them. It has never become that severe for me
concerning this compulsion but believe me it could become so,
any obsession or compulsion even just one can confine you to
your home even to one room. I have many many compulsions it is
an enormous battle, sometimes I give in, sometimes I resist. Yes
indeed one compulsion such as this as the power to be that
incapacitating, it is no easy matter, there is tension I have to
try and do this while no one is looking otherwise people wander
what on earth I am doing. The obsessions and compulsions change
their intensity but never go away but rather are set to one side
and become less intense as other more powerful obsessions and
compulsions come to the fore or are presented anew.
Today I resist this compulsion
but it preys on my mind nonetheless. I try to relax while my
husband is throwing pieces of his bread roll trying to feed the
ducks oblivious to the torment with which I have to contend, he
has no idea of the misery that dogs me. I lean over the rail
watching the fast flowing river, the bright sunlight reflecting
on the water , it is a warm sunny day it is a day when one should
feel glad to be alive yet there is always some fear, some
anxiety, some preoccupation and the joy of the moment and indeed
of life is missed. We follow the footpath along the side of the
river I look left and right and continue to turn my head mindful
of the possible approach of dogs. I stare at the ground the need
to be aware of the possibility of dog mess. We see hens,
cockerels and tiny newborn chickens. They are delightful of
course. I love all animals, who does not love baby animals but
my first thought is bird flu and I avoid getting too close as
the birds scamper in our direction no doubt hoping for some
food. I worry about harm coming to these vulnerable creatures
should someone’s out of control dog come along.
As we progress along the bank and
cross the road there is a gate with steps leading down to the
riverside. It is claustrophobic, a small confined place
in-between thick undergrowth and trees, there is no way back
except the way we came and this makes me feel trapped, should a
dog come down the steps there would be no where to retreat. So I
am uneasy and therefore fail yet again to fully appreciate the
pleasant setting, the sounds of the flowing water, the sun’s
reflection, the aesthetics of the medieval bridge which spans
the river and the remains of the medical castle on the hill on
the over side of the river. Indeed where my fears less pervasive
it would have been a moment or pleasant tranquil respite.
Climbing the hill I notice a foot
path along the other side of the bank, a path more accessible,
but fear prevents me from pointing this out as I recall there
once being dog mess along the path during a previous visit;
never mind that this was years ago now when we first came here
on holiday. Still the memory causes anxiety and I reflect on how
little in my life has really changed and how with the passage of
time that it seems to me that nothing now will improve without
an enormous effort. Feeling guilty and also feeling that I might
be missing out on my endeavours to enjoy life I reverse my
decision to not mention this path which the others have not
noticed and suggest we go along it after visiting the castle.
Besides I am anxious to get to the castle for you see my
irritable bladder is extremely ...well... irritable. I feel so
uncomfortable it is making me feel ill and the familiar lump
rises to my throat. I know this sensation is due to anxiety as I
have not had a drink since 8am and it is now past midday and
also I have only relatively recently visited the toilet. My
anxiety is enhanced by my fear that there will not be a toilet
facility at the castle which is owned by English heritage. This
can happen in some smaller buildings in their care in out of the
way places or if there is public toilet nearby, so it cannot be
assumed that there are toilet facilities.
In a flustered state I enter the
gate, the first need is to enquire if there are toilets before
purchasing a ticket. The girl behind the counter looks rather
non-pulsed but responds that there are toilets but does not say
where. I think she thinks I am rather odd, it appears that she
gave me a rather knowing look. I know that I am often perceived
as a little strange, perhaps it is the rather erratic unnatural
eye contact but perhaps it is my imagination as it is difficult
to read facial expressions and often I perceive some negative
response when probably there is none. However I do know with some certainty that I appear odd - well with absolute
certainty as a couple of years ago now I overheard a comment in
a public toilet as I was leaving describing me as a strange lady
even though I had spoken to no one. I am irritated that I
actually have to ask where the toilet is. Why I hate having to
ask I don’t know as of course this is need we all have albeit
perhaps not to the same degree or for the same reasons: namely
anxiety.
There is only the one unisex
disabled toilet, it is occupied. I get irritated. It is however
spotlessly clean but nonetheless I have to cover the seat with
tissue and use tissues to put the seat up as it is easier to
cover the toilet rim than it is to cover the seat. I notice
there is only one toilet roll so I will feel guilty if I use too
much leaving others or even myself without any if I need to use
the toilet again as I do three times during our hour long visit.
There are a couple of flies struggling to get out of the closed
window, like the flies trapped in the cobwebs this causes me
concern more so here as these flies are still alive and I feel
it my responsibility to rescue them. I hate to see the struggles
of such creatures and the tiny bodies of those who have
previously succumbed having failed to free themselves. I rescue
one but it is as you can imagine not easy and if I am not
careful I can end up killing them rather than saving their
lives. I get my husband to rescue the other. He over the years
has become drawn into this compulsion but for him it is not a
compulsion in quite the same way. He rescues these creatures
despite the odd looks of others, although he does hesitate when
if will be obviously noticeable, because this is what he feels
is right as he too hates to see anything die even tiny flies.
His actions and concerns however are not intermingled with
anxiety and thoughts of harm coming if he fails his
responsibility as of course it is not always possible to do
this.
We wander through the remains of
this once great castle, it is a gloriously warm day for so late
in October. The grass although well kept is rather long and I
get anxious about wet feet, my husband is still in sandals; I
worry that somehow the dog mess if any will work its way from
the shoes of his sandals to his socks and he will bring this
into the house. We sit and eat our sandwiches I have to check
all the benches to ensure that I find a seat which is clean. But there
is always anxiety and oftentimes we have continued walking round
whilst eating. But this time we managed to find seats in the
relatively newly planted garden. My son drives me nuts taking my
photograph. I have what I would describe as mild body dysmorphic
disorder and have always hated having my photograph taken
somehow it makes me look worse than I am when I look in the
mirror. He knows I hate this even more since getting older and
putting on weight, now I cannot stand the sight of myself. It is
not meant in any nasty way, it is a wind up and we do such
things to each other in good humour, but my son does not know
when it is not appropriate and when enough is enough. I think
this has something to do with his Aspergers syndrome and he
often says the same about me when I am winding him up. I do not
care for all these colloquialisms and metaphors thinking that it
must be rather confusing for people whose first language is not
English but I can not
find a better way of describing this kind of good-natured
teasing. He came to day to take photographs for his website and
soon disappears to take these, he has suddenly a keen interest
in his website and takes dozens of photographs for free
download, in fact it has become a preservation. This term I have
already explained before but just to reiterate to satisfy my
niggling concerns that whoever reads understands this
expression: preservation is a term used in autistic circles
which describes any interest which becomes extremely intense, it
is a characteristic of anyone on the autistic spectrum. Many
people will say that there is no harm in that however the
problem arises when the person is so involved with his or her
preservations that other aspects of life are ignored such a
earning living, going to school, cooking a meal, washing and so
on. Kevin's preservations are not to that extreme but are
nonetheless less intense until he abandons one interest in
favour of another.
My husband and I continue our
visit. I struggle up the spiral stairs. Often I am too anxious
to do this, particularly if there are crowds of people, I feel
trapped as often there is only one way up and down and the space
is crapped and claustrophobic. The view from what remains of a
Tudor style window affords a splendid view over the river Tees
and there are views over the entire town from the battlements. I
give into the compulsion to wipe away cobwebs from the window,
but hey I did resist for a time and I only did so here at this
particular window.
A final visit to the toilet
presents problems with a tiny fly. I cannot remove it trying to
catch it in a tissue, after several attempts I have to concede
defeat anxious that I will harm it, I leave the door open hoping
it will have the sense to escape. But flies seem oblivious to an
open door or window and instead continue their futile attempts
it get through the glass until exhausted they die. I obsess
rather about leaving the door open, as this of course will cause
other flies to enter and become entrapped. I asked my husband
several times obsessing what to do, finally we leave and once
having done so I manage to set aside this anxiety. Perhaps this
is because my attention is diverted to another anxiety as we
walk along the path mentioned earlier. I immediately regret
mentioning this path, it is narrow and runs some way following
the cause of the river, I am as always anxious that someone will
approach with a dog. I am also very weary, I easily get
fatigued.
After our
visit to the castle and our walk along the footpath we make our
way through the town browsing in the shops, stopping at cafe for
coffee. This is always stressful particularly if we have never
visited before. It has to look clean of course and be quiet, no
music or at very low volume. I am always anxious nervous of
becoming ill: is the coffee hot, has it been reheated? Not
likely I know but OCD has nothing to do with the consideration
of the statistical unlikelihood of any concern being valid. I
eat nothing, there is nothing to eat. There is a gluten free
cake but it will have been made from milk, I sometimes
compromise my gluten free diet because that is about health but
I will not compromise intentionally my vegetarian / lactose free
ethics. I hate entering any restaurant, coffee shop, tea room
and the like, I find the way everyone looks up and stares
unsettling. Again this happens if you get up to cross the room
to in my case use the toilet. I am self-conscious, this has been
increasingly more so in recent years, particularly now I have
become aware that there is something odd about me that others
notice. I find it unsettling that I am not aware of such things
in others yet I feel as though people can read me like a book
and can see though to my very soul. When we entered I felt
so uncomfortable, another strained round of awkward communication
and unnatural eye contact. It is pleasant to sit down in such
places at least it should be but somehow most of what I do is
rather like a charade as I attempt to be normal and do what I
think I should be doing and would enjoy if I were normal. Yes I
do have moments when I do feel some enjoyment or at least find some brief
satisfaction but mostly it is short lived and the OCD is always
there to mitigate such moments.
We stop to look in a shop selling
soft toys; some people collect bears we collect sheep. We have
so many stuffed sheep. You know when I use the word stuffed when
referring to stuffed toys people always look astonished thinking
I am referring to the term in relation to taxidermy. This
irritates me as I am of course talking about soft toys, cuddly
toys. Do people really think I mean a stuffed dead animal,
really! We buy a cute little blue lamb for our collection. Once
I have touched one I have to buy it feeling guilty if I do not.
We browse in a couple of second hand bookshops. Yes I can cope
with second hand books if they are relatively new and do not
appear dirty. However really old books I cannot bring myself to
touch. My son brings may attention to a 18th century book: The
Meditations of Marcus Aurelius. I dare not touch it all those
centuries of grime, although I would of course be interested in
the writings of this philosopher. It is one of my son's keen
interests or preservations, old books and manuscripts but we can
only look, at £100 it is beyond our means. I recall recently in
a second hand book shop finding a book about OCD, it was quiet
dirty but only surface dirt which would rub off easily with a
cloth. Clearly the proprietors had no idea concerning the
subject of the book they were attempting to sell for I cannot
imagine anyone with contamination OCD buying this book. I did
not of course buy it and had to wash my hands after having
touched it. I did not buy a book today, I was tempted to buy a
book the subject of which concerned the hypothesis that the
ancient stone monoliths where the constructs of an advanced
ancient civilisation. In the past I have found such ideas
interesting but recently feel that such subjects are now rather a waste
of time as mostly there is little proof of such ideas and
although fascinating somehow they now seem meaningless. Perhaps
it is my being more depressed or perhaps as I get older I am
more aware of how I occupy my time. I must admit that often a
sense of apathy prevails and I look round such shops half
heartedly. I read no fiction except good quality science fiction
or fantasy but even this now I read with infrequently. I have
always preferred serious reading although in the past I have
read and enjoyed more mainstream novels however recently my
reading tends now to be mostly non fiction. For instance I have
just completed An anthropologist on Mars by Oliver Sacks the
neurologist who wrote Awakenings.
Finally we make our way back to
the car park avoiding the alley with the dog mess. It is a
delightful trip home, the sky is so clear with only the odd dot
of cloud here and there and it looks and feels like a summer’s
evening. Yes I get my husband to disinfect his shoes under
supervision outside away from any wind that might blow the
disinfectant accumulating on his sandals back at him and on to his
cloths. I am still anxious but have to accept this somehow but I
will always return to this in my mind whenever I see these
sandals.
Following are a couple of photographs suitable
for desktop wallpaper. One is Raby Castle which we did not
visit but which my son photographed on the way passed. Unfortunately
my husband always calls it rabys castle sounding like rabies the
negative connotations are obvious for regular visitors of my
website and blog.
The second photograph shows part
of the ruins of Barnard Castle overlooking the River Tee
October
19th
I have just accidentally deleted
all my yahoo e-mail having spent a good deal of time going
through my 2000 plus e-mails carefully selecting those that I
just have not the time to read. Most of my yahoo e-mails posts
are from my membership of news groups so only a few are personal
to me and those I have the addresses for and in most cases I can
go to the group in question’s home page and access messages.
Nonetheless I am stressed should I have missed
something-important or that I will miss someone trying to
contact me although this is unlikely. But there is nothing I can
do, there is no undo option. Yes I hoard e-mail rather like
people hoard letters and newspapers in case there is something
they have not read or think they may need to read at some time.
Also I was simply overwhelmed by so many e-mails that I could
not face sorting them out, a new group which I have recently
joined is really very active and I cannot keep up: I have not as
yet posted to this group for this reason. In a way I am relieved
I have a fresh start and I am sure no ones life will be
adversely effected beyond minor annoyance if I do not respond to
a message. But there again when you have OCD who knows. Even
years later I still think of people I once emailed who have
suddenly stopped writing and wonder if they are okay or whether I did
something to up set him or her. Particularly a person I was
emailing nearly everyday about
November /December last year who suddenly stopped corresponding.
Someone I had given a lot of time and attention to during a time
in my life when things were particularly difficult. I always
write a second time to enquire if I have not heard from someone
but after that I have to leave it at that and tell myself that
the person for reasons of his or her
own are not in a position to write. But just occasionally I
wonder why as one does when a real time friendships suddenly
declines.
I have just remembered that all
my new group membership details are now lost to me. One or two
of the groups have quite long and specific regulations which I
cannot now recall so I will be somewhat anxious should I break
some guideline or other. Yes I worry just as much and obsess just the same about my on-line associations as I do those which
occur in my day to day life. Mind you there are now very few of
those nowadays due to my increasing decline in my ability to
socialise . With the exception of the South African friend whom
I see only every few weeks or so neither I nor my husband or my
son for that matter have any real friends at all.
October 24th
Face your deficiencies and acknowledge
them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you
patience, sweetness, insight.
Helen Keller
Now for
a little positivity, after
all it is rather hypocritical to ramble on about negativity in
society whilst myself adding to this tendency by including only
negative issues here. Although having said that of course I do
have an excuse for such negativity, it is not easy to have to
live one's life tormented by OCD and it is most certainly no
pleasure to have to contend with migraine, CDH and all the other
maladies of ill health from which I suffer. However a constant
stream of negativity does not do any one any good. often there
are positive aspects to any disorder and this is the case with
for instance autism and sometimes we should perhaps focus on
these positives rather than all the negatives.
One of the case histories in
Oliver Sack's book An Anthropologist on Mars is Stepney
Wiltshire an autistic savant whose special skill is drawing,
intricate drawings from memory. Quite by chance yesterday whilst
browsing U tube I came across the following film clips showing
Stephen's remarkable ability to draw form memory with amazing
accuracy.
YouTube
- An autistic man's recreation of rome
The Stephen Wiltshire Gallery - Drawings,
paintings and prints
October 25th
You are today where
your thoughts have brought you, you will be tomorrow where your
thoughts take you.
James Allen
Today I was reminded rather of
one of those stereotypical dreams where the dreamer is running
down a corridor pursued by a threat not clearly defined trying to find a way out opening door after door
only to find that they lead nowhere. Although I have
never had one of these dreams yesterday's trip to the Metro
Centre rather bought to mind this type of scenario. The
Metro Centre in the North East is the largest shopping centre in
Europe, since coming to live here four years ago we have been
all of four times. I have enormous difficulty coping with all
the sensory problems, the noise, the bright lights, the crowds
and so on. But today was just about the worst visit ever. Trying
to find a place to park our car my husband has no idea how to
navigate the complicated maze of roads that bend and weave their
way round this huge complex of shopping faculties trying to find
the car park we use that will take us straight into the main
enclosed shopping centre. There are few signs and those there
are my husband completely misses taking left turns where he
should take right, if you ‘re not careful you can find yourself
back heading back along the main road where you will not be able
to leave until the next junction.
Sometimes I wonder if I am some
sort of compulsive masochist and over and over during the course
of the day I ask myself why do I put myself through this
nightmare. It was after all my suggestion. My husband needs some
shoes and the local town or city can be limiting and besides I
know my son likes to shop at the metro. It is not easy for him
get there by public transport. He cannot cope with buses mainly
due I think to impatience rather than any anxiety although his
impatience of course arises from his highly stressful state of
mind. Often though I impulsively suggest things that I know will
be of detriment to me feelingly perhaps compelled to do so from
a sense of guilt not wishing to limit other people’s lives
because of my illnesses. But as soon as we set out from home I
regret having made the suggestion. The trip to the metro is hair
razing, frightening; along the A1 the three lanes are packed
with motorists weaving their way in and out the lines of traffic
indicating at the last minute, taking chances, speeding along at
speeds well in access of the 60 miles an hour limit on this type
of road. Huge lorries thundering along with callous disregard
for the lives of other road users. It is time that the
government took action against the standard of driving on the
roads, particularly by drivers of lorries and over large
vehicles who seem totally oblivious of the effect that their
dangerous speeding has on other more vulnerable road users, in
many cases they appear to have callous disregard to motorists in
smaller vehicles, bikers and cyclists. It is time that the
government concentrated its efforts on road safety instead of
forever trying to promote healthy eating and highlight the
dangers of bad eating habits, which harm no one except the
person concerned, and instead concentrate more on dealing with
the mayhem that exists on our roads. A good start would be
compulsory checks of lorries coming from the continent to ensure
that these are road worthy and the driver has not exceeded the
restricted number of hours he is permitted to drive. More Speed
cameras to monitor all dangerous driving should be implemented.
On our way here to the Metro Centre their were at least three
incidents of what I would consider to be dangerous driving. I
feel so frightened these days and shocked at the callous
disregard many drivers have not only for other motorists but
also for their own families who are seated in these cars which
are hurtling down the road at breakneck speeds of frightening
proportion.
It is half term and the shopping
centre is a seething mass of humanity, screaming children, noise
from the thumping of music along with the general cacophony of
noise and confusion typical of crowded places. Women trying to
break the land speed record with their prams or pushchairs tear
through despite the crowds. Has anyone noticed that in recent
years how women with push chairs plough through assuming
everyone else will get out of the way? However it is not only
women with pushchairs but everyone moves these days at speed
adding to the mayhem of confusion that stresses me out. I
complain to my husband as a child’s piercing scream fills the
air. I do of course recognise that it is neither the child’s
fault nor the parents and I remark to my husband how
hypocritical my complaining is because as a child of course I
screamed so much in the street that I was prescribed
tranquillisers. There are of course many reasons why children
scream other than the one which we all assume, namely,
naughtiness. Some children may be of a nervous disposition and
have or will develop a mental heath problem although of course
this is not the only reason, a child may for instance be
autistic and suffering from a sensory overloaded, a sensory
problem often suffered by people with autism but also others
called Sensory integration dysfunction. Some
susceptible children may simply be sensitive to the noise and
confusion finding it overwhelming even frightening, particularly
a very young child. There where times yesterday when I felt as
though once again I would have liked to have covered my ears with
my hands, closed my eyes and just screamed. Why oh why do people
bring their children to shopping centres during school holidays?
There are so many places here of natural beauty, historical
interest that one can take ones children, gardens, amusement
centres and of course the coast all with in relatively easy
reach even if you do not have a car. I am sure that such are a
more enjoyable option for both the parent and the child or
children. Yes I had forgotten it was half term it is not that I
do not understand the problems with children screaming I only
remark here about his because it is for me an added stressor to
my rather overloaded sensory system.
I am today very stressed I have
intrusive thoughts of wanting to die feeling that my life is
over. Now these thoughts are intrusive thoughts, they appear
incongruous with my fear of death. And yes to some extent they
are and as soon as I feel that my life is under threat, as for
instance during a hypochondrical attack I will panic fearful I
am going to die, and I may be plunged forever in the dreadful
abyss of non existence which is the fear that has haunted me my
entire life. Yes I have suicidal thoughts, yet when a doctor or
psychiatrist asks me, do you consider suicide I answer no. This
is because these thoughts are intrusive unwanted and come
unbidden dozens of times each day, as do other intrusive
thoughts. Admittedly such thoughts come when I am very depressed
or very afraid but mostly they come before I am even aware of
them much the same way as a blasphemous thought intrudes out of
the blue or if I am presented with a certain stimuli. For
instance in the case of blasphemous thoughts if I am in church.
In the same way if I am particularly depressed or frightened
this thought of suicide will present. It also presents when I am
confronted with any problem even a very tiny insignificant one.
The thought will simply present itself entirely against my
volition much the same as any other intrusive unwanted OCD
thought or image presents. I cannot of course say that I will
never think of suicide in a serious way, no one can predict
their future mind states because none of us can know how we will
feel when confronted with future events. But here now while
writing this I am simply too afraid of death to commit suicide
and only mention this because this thought like the blasphemous
thought presents, but it like the blasphemous thought is an
intrusive thought which arises when I am very depressed,
frightened or whenever presented with any problem from the
insignificant to the profound. It, like the blasphemous thoughts
is incongruous: despite not now belonging to any Christian
church or belief system still blasphemous thoughts frighten and
disturbed me. Like wise despite my profound fear of death and
the fear of non-existence I have intrusive thoughts of suicide.
Crazy I know but that is how OCD thoughts present themselves and
reason or logic does little, in fact for me personally nothing,
to dispel them. In fact the more I attempt to rationalise my
thoughts the more intense they became and the more persistent
and all I get out of a session of positive logical self-talk is
brain fatigue.
Often in such situations in huge
shopping centres when presented with what I perceived as
decadent western greed and materialism I do feel profoundly
depressed, as it all seems shallow and empty, utterly
meaningless. I wonder who wears all those expensive cloths
selling at various prices, £65 for knitted thin jumpers next to
£30 jumpers which look much the same both of which are over
priced and made in sweat shops, the cheap labour of others sold
for huge profits. There is really is nothing I want today I
simply cannot cope. Yes I need new shoes, my others, my one
and only pair, leak and are falling to pieces. Yet I simply
cannot be bothered, I cannot cope, the sheer effort of trying to
find shoes that fit and which are neither the remains of a dead
animal nor cost a huge amount is today beyond my ability.
Neither can I cope with buying night clothes, my present night
attire is practically a bunch of rags. Yes I am entirely
serious, I can’t find any without uncomfortable looking seams or
which are not made of a rough uncomfortable material; the huge
seams on a nightdress bought last year make it unbearable
because of my hyper-sensory sensory difficulties with rough
scratchy or uncomfortable cloths. I can’t recall these problems
being as insurmountable as they are now. I am noticing with
increasing alarm that I simply cannot cope with everyday aspects
of life such as shopping for cloths. In fact I can’t cope with
shopping at all!
I may be able to
use a computer, create a website but everyday life at this time
is overwhelming and I am not able even to muddle through. I am
chronically irritated, bad tempered, stressed out, hypercritical
of everyone and frustrated. I guess life is inevitably more
difficult if you have a serious mental health condition,
remember that OCD is amongst the World Health Organisation’s top
ten most debilitating illnesses. Migraine is amongst the top
twenty, so life is never going to be easy, everything is bound
to be more difficult, more time consuming and more frustrating
for anyone with any disability. But is hard to be so accepting
and resigned and sensible. I am not a saint and I bitterly
resent the misery inflicted upon me by the myriad illnesses and
disorders which I face each and everyday.
I can barely cope
with the indecisiveness of my son and husband fussing over
jumpers and shoes respectively. The music in most of the shops
is ridiculously loud, blasting out, I can barely hear the sales
assistant in the shoe shop. I wonder if music at such a volume
is a health and safety issue, if it is not well it certainly
should be. I cannot imagine working with that level of noise
each and every day. In between all this I have to keep looking
for a toilet, my bladder once again irritated by my acute
anxiety. I am indescribably uncomfortable as such frequent
visits afford no relief as of course the urge to urinate is due
to anxiety. I am too noxious to have a drink but fear the onset
of a possible headache if I get dehydrated. I will ruminated
over such a decision for some time driving myself and everyone
else to distraction.
Finally after some hours of
unrelenting misery we call it a day at least for the Metro
Centre but are we finished. No :-( apparently not we have to
call in at Ikea for a bookcase to facilitate the clutter that is
accumulating in my sons’ bedroom, goodness knows where he is
going to fit in another bookcase, if he got rid of some of those
magazines it might be helpful. But again here it is my
hypocrisy, all three of us are hoarders and clutters, not yet to
the extent that we have seen on recent TV programmes but we will
not be far from this if we cannot learn to dispose of things
more readily than we do now. Ikea is a huge furniture retail
complex of which most of us are familiar but here in the
Metro-shopping complex it is in the process of being extended,
it is a maze of twists and turns with work still in progress.
There are corridors of plastic sheeting separating the work area from the
shopping area.
I have intrusive thoughts, which
lead to an increase in anxiety. The thought comes to me: what if
there is a fire we don’t even know how to get out, there are no
windows and no one knows how to navigate their way through the
labyrinth of corridors. I can envision in my minds eye, not
intentionally of course, rather like a video playback the
possible scenario of a mayhem of panic, the glass lighting
crashing to the ground in the panic stampede for survival. I try
to rationalise the situation and my extreme reaction to these
thoughts. I try positive self talk, telling myself that the
chance of a fire is not likely but as usual all the self talk
does is tire out my already weary over taxed brain. I feel
increased stress, irritability and I feel the urge to rush
through as quickly as possible and get out in the fresh air. But
again more indecision on behalf of my son and it takes us a
couple of hours before we find ourselves struggling in the
pouring rain to secure a flat packed bookcase on to the roof
rack. I now have a headache, which deepens into migraine. I
panic and get more angst as the journey home is a nightmare of
driving rain and sitting in the usual queue of traffic moving at
a snails pace along the A1 - well at least accidents are less
likely at least serious ones. And they call this retail therapy!
I cannot relate to the term retail therapy at all as after
shopping I need therapy to get over it.
October 26th
During a visit to a stately home in the locality,
I cannot recall which one now, We where shown fans which were
made from a dead parrot squashed flat. These fans where
Victorian and I recalling thinking to myself how cruel, our tour
guide more or less echoed my thoughts. I could not imagine such
an atrocity being allowed in our day and age in the western
world at any rate. How wrong can you be.... Apparently very
wrong.
Sign the Bat Petition!
I have come across some shocking things in my
time on the internet concerning cruelty to animals but the focus
of the following campaign really sickens me. The following is
from the introduction to CareTwo's partition to ebay.
"Several companies are catching
bats in the wild and killing them for sale as “art” in glass
frames. One small bat, also known as the Short-nosed fruit bat,
is a major target of this cruel practice. The fruit bat is an
important pollinator and seed dispenser, and has a status of
vulnerable.
Bats already face severe threats due to habitat loss. Killing
additional bats for personal collections only leads to further
decline of wild bat populations. "
The campaign I
think does not go far enough and the exception comment number 1 at the end of
the petition introduction I think should be excluded and only
number 2 should apply:
"Tell
eBay to stop selling stuffed bat bodies unless eBay is sure 1)
the bats are not imperiled in the wild, and 2) the bats were
collected after they died naturally."
Regardless as to whether or not
these bats are imperilled in the wild these creatures have right
to life and it is a wicked practice to kill these
creatures regardless of whether or not they are endangered.
Furthermore these bats most certainly will become endangered if
such practice is allowed to continue.
I have written to care two the
originator of the petition to suggest they leave out exception 1
as it is of course wrong to kill any creature regardless of
whether or not it is imperilled.
Notwithstanding my concerns I have signed the petition but
feel that it does not go far enough but I guess it is a step
towards stopping this wicked practice.
So if you feel you would like to
sign this petition please click the link above
October 27th
Those of you who regularly read my
blog will know of my support of the campaign to stop the cruel
Canadian seal hunt which takes place in March of each year. The
good news is the German government has unanimously voted a ban
on trade in seal products.
The IFAW
(International fund for Animal Welfare) are campaigning to
encourage the
British Government to take similar action:
"By stopping the trade in the UK, we can
help stop this cruel hunt. At present only the import of skins of newborn seals
is banned in Britain. Harp seals can be killed and imported to
the UK when they shed their distinctive white coats - usually at
just 12 days of age.
Each year hundreds of thousands
of seal pups suffer agonising deaths in this senseless slaughter
just to supply non-essential luxury fur items for markets across
the world, including in the UK. All veterinary reports on the
hunt have documented unacceptable levels of cruelty.
IFAW in Germany has been working
on this issue for quite some time and this represents a great
step for IFAW’s campaign to stop Canada’s commercial seal hunt.
The steps taken by Germany enforce the need for the British
Parliament to follow suit and not to be left behind other
European countries.
Please ask your MP to put forward a Private
Members’ Bill to ban the trade in seal products.
Private Members’ Bills help push the issue up the political
agenda and can lead to new laws being introduced"
There is an e-mail form for you to send to your MP with a
template letter. However I think it is better to print out and
send by regular mail as a letter. It is perhaps also better to
use the template as a guide rather than send it word for word. The last time I did this with
my MP I received a personal reply. Some MPs do not respond to
e-mail unless the subject relates to constituency issues.
For those of you from other countries I am sure that similar
campaigns are underway and your support will an be important
part of stopping this cruel practice.
October28th
A desire
to be in charge of our own lives, a need for control, is born in
each of us. It is essential to our mental health, and our
success, that we take control.
Robert F Bennett
Well finally after nearly three weeks I am updating or at least
publishing my website updates and blog entries. This time I have
found it extremely difficult to do this because of my OCD
problems. I have reached today the stage of sheer exhaustion
with all the worrying, altering, checking, rechecking,
ruminating, obsessing, doubting and ...well I could go on. Yes I
have included many lengthy entries but the doubts and fears of
actually publishing them have been enormous this time.
OCD will do this to you, whatever endeavour you undertake,
interest you have, it will try and take it from you almost as
though it has a mind of it's own. When I first started to create
my website and this blog there were doubts and checking
obsessions and compulsions but these have grown and grown to
such proportion that it is beginning to be of detriment to me
and to this website. The concern over making mistakes,
causing offence, causing harm, is now so crippling that instead
of my writing being satisfactory it is in fact becoming more
confused and more mistakes are being made simply because I
eventually reach a state when after all the worry I am so
exhausted that I than publish, mistakes notwithstanding. To put
it simply I get past caring. This may sound like blessed relief
but this is sadly not the case as of course what may now appear
as though I have found some acceptance of my propensity to make
mistakes is actually apathy borne of exhaustion and is therefore
a positive rather than a negative. Often this happens to people
with OCD. It is common amongst those with contamination
obsessions, such as myself, who finally become so exhausted
trying to keep their person, cloths, home and their general
environment germ free that they begin to take the more
placid less exhausting approach of avoidance: Instead of
disinfecting an unclean area of their home they instead avoid
contact with this area. Instead of washing a garment for
the umpteenth time they may now either avoid wearing it or throw
it away. I do not want this to happen with website but please
bear in mind I am going through a difficult time right now and
there may be some delays in publishing.
October 29th
Nurture
your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher
than you think.
Benjamin Disraeli,
It is the first day of wintertime when here in
the UK we alter the clocks setting them back one hour. This is
the time when we know we are really into autumn and winter and
it is the time when many of us get depressed or in my case more
depressed. Lately I feel that most of my attention is directed
towards negative issues. Off course this is understandable when
you have OCD or other
anxiety/ mental health problem. It would
be difficult would it not to be anything other when you have
intrusive thoughts in your mind most of the time concerning
death, either your own or that of other people, and moreover you
have been haunted by these thoughts since you where a child. It
would be difficult to be positive when you have so many
compulsions such as hand washing, checking, superstitious
rituals and so on, all motivated by the intrusive fear of death.
It would be extremely difficult to appear optimistic when
negative thoughts crowd your mind replaying over and over
they’re depressing scenarios. My intension for writing this blog
is to try to explain as precisely as possible my experiences of
OCD, what it is like to think as I think, to live my life
pervaded by this depressing debilitating disorder, to be haunted
and tormented by the most depressing and horrendous thoughts
imaginable and to in addition have these thoughts disturb you
even in your dreams. I am thinking of writing more concerning my
philosophical thoughts and the reasoning behind my fears of
death, I wish to write about my perspective of the world,
whether or not such a perspective is borne of an OCD negative
perspective I will leave you to decide for yourself. It will
take me some courage to do this but over the next few months I
will try and explain how I perceive life because I feel that OCD
is greatly misunderstood or at least the complexity and the
severity of this condition is.
In addition I feel there is also, at least here in the UK, very
little understanding concerning the effect that co morbid
disorders have upon the primary condition. I would like to
discuss this issue as for me personally it is an important topic
as I suffer with other conditions in addtion to my OCD and these
conditions effect my OCD, both its intensity and its prognosis.
Mine of course is only one perspective of OCD, someone else's
may be very different. My psychiatrist tells me there are many
overlaps, boundaries between conditions are not always clear and
precise. Therefore my experiences are unique to me, nonetheless
I hope that sharing them will throw some light on what it is
like to live as I do. I do not wish to live my life this way. I
know I have wasted my life and I know I will continue to waste
what remains of my life now. And this haunts me, and reminders
that my life has been wasted compound my depression and does
nothing to help, yet oftentimes some well meaning person or
other will tell me that I am wasting my life.
Throughout my life I have tried on many occasions to
overcome my OCD. Some times I have been successful
for a while but OCD has returned when other
stressful situations or tragic circumstances have
befallen me. But I have tried. I am unable to take
medication and have no support at this time. OCD in
my personal experience is intractable. (Note here I
say my personal experience this does not apply to
everyone, most sufferers receive some help from
medication and or therapy such as CBT.) I feel as
though I have little control over the thoughts that
invade my mind and pervade my entire life. To
struggle against them is an enormous endeavour and I
have had little support other than at certain times
in my life and this support is withdrawn as soon as
progress is made. I know my life is a mess and I
need no reminders as such serve no purpose other
than to compound my unhappiness. I have done the
best I can with a very difficult life and each day I
struggle against OCD, depression, migraine,
headaches and well you know the list.
There is much suffering in the world far greater
than mine and oftentimes I feel guilty bemoaning my
lot in life. Often such guilt is compounded by
others telling us what we already know that life is
sweet and we are missing out on so much and we
should make more effort and of yes what's that awful
expression... get a life... Yesterday I read in the
Observer the unfolding continuing tragedy in Darfur:
misery, fear, and derivation beyond my imagination.
I felt very guilty and regretted publishing all my
miseries on my blog feeling their insignificance in
comparison to the terrible suffering that inflicts
these poor people. Incidentally...I often wonder if
such tragedies would occur if other people had the
ethical sensitivities and the keen sense of right
and wrong that many of us with OCD have called
scrupulosity OCD. The answer is of course not.
Something to think about isn’t it. Personally I
doubt if the appalling events that take place in
this world borne of mans inhumanity to man and also
his fellow creatures would occur if everyone had the
ethics and concern for others that most people with
OCD appear to have. Maybe our scruples, ethics and
moral considerations take a neurotic course
nonetheless the world would be a better place if
some of this so called over responsibility and
scrupulosity rubbed off on to others. Ask yourself
would millions be left to starve to death, would
there be wars, poverty, crime, exploitation of the
environment ,of other people, other creatures, if
everyone had the ethical and moral standards and
keen sense of responsibility as the OCD sufferer?
Yes over responsibility and scrupulosity does make
your life hell if it becomes very neurotic in its
context, however it is nonetheless something not to
be ashamed of and underneath all the neurosis there
is a caring person who would not perpetrate, allow
or ignore the suffering that exists in the world.
I
feel I do the best I can with the conditions I have ,people fail
to understand what your life is like how you feel that you are
standing on the periphery of existence rather like watching a TV
drama unfolding before your eyes, a drama of which you take no
part. Rather like a virtual reality where you are observing an
existence which you know for you will never be reality.
*
Disclaimer :
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and
have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries .
However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not
necessarily reflect my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
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