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I  have to laugh at myself as I have just gone over the last entries in September ready for publication. I know of course that I do ramble on a bit but I had not realised quite how much and by the time I had finished checking the new entries from September 20th until today I most certainly had brain fog merely reading my own lengthy renditions :-)  I think that I am in fact rather addicted to bloging and against my better judgment seem unable to resist the compulsion to keep writing. I often try to occupy myself with other aspects of my website and the computer in general, (I am trying to complete an on line computer graphics course), and  get on with my artwork but I feel the strong compulsion just to write about my experiences and waffle on and on and on... I can't even turn to other writing for my website!

I have of course made this declaration before but I will try to limit my input here as it can be quite overwhelming. I considered in fact not publishing all those lengthy entries but felt rather depressed by the thought of deleting them because of the huge amount of time involved in completing them. I have an obsession with wasting time and would feel every uneasy indeed if I were to destroy all the work of the last couple of weeks. And besides no one is obliged to read any or it.  You can just read bits and pieces or none at all! 

I am also concerned that my writing literally appears to be rambling and confused. However this reflects the way I am right now. My thinking is confused and unorganised, scattered all over the place if you like and my writing appears to show this. So if nothing else my waffling reflects the mind of a person suffering with severe OCD who is at her wits end as life appears to be becoming increasing more overwhelmingly difficult.  This is the way I am.  My writing even if confused is an indication of the way I am right now. It is for the most part  not contrived, at least the personal stuff, so it may appear muddled - in fact all of what I write may appear muddled and unorganised.

I will make another resolve to concentrate my energies and attention else where on my website and make only perhaps one or two entries each week. I would like to work on giving a new look to my website, altering the format and layout and this will take a good deal of time, time I will not have if I continue to write quite so much.

Just a reminder. I would very much like to include the writings of other OCD sufferers and any one with an anxiety disorder - particularly anyone with one of the other disorders included on this website such as specific phobias, panic attacks, anorexia nervosa, agoraphobia, OCSDs and so on.  Tell fellow sufferers, carers and professionals and any interested others what it is like to sufferer with an anxiety disorder by sending in your story concerning you're experiences or any other writing relating to the disorders included upon this website. .

I would also be most grateful please also for artistic contributions to display on this website. If you are an artist, a photographer, a writer or, anything else please send in examples of your work to display in the gallery section of this website.

October 5th

I have been wondering lately why I seem to have so many obsessions concerning my writing. I have had of course problems with writing something others will read, letters, e-mail and so on since.......well since forever, at least since OCD became a problem. However in recent months this problem has increased. I will not go again into details, if you have read my writings either here in my blog or else where on my website you will know of the difficulties to which I refer. The answer is of course obvious; my difficulties have increased in proportion to the amount I write and the importance my writing has in my life. Writing is more important to me now than it was say fifteen years ago when the most I would write would be the occasional letter. The frightening thing is that it often appears that your OCD changes over the years, adapting itself to inflict the most damage with in your life. If you have OCD I am sure you have noticed this tendency. If you have not been aware of this happening consider this possibility and keep it in mind so as not to allow OCD to take from you the things that mean something to you. It will take away everything you do in life from the inconsequential to the important, your relationships, your religion, your life’s goals, your friendships, pastimes, pleasures and even your livelihood ...well the list is endless. OCD seems to focus its attentions on whatever means something to you. The obsessions and compulsions home in and shape themselves to thwart all your endeavours.

Consider if you do not write very much and all your communication was by telephone than you would not of course be tormented by thoughts concerning writing. If you were an atheist and had no religious thoughts at all you would probably not be not be plagued with blasphemous thoughts. In the middle ages OCD probably manifested more as religious scrupulosity rather than contamination OCD. The connection between germs and disease having not been made, at least in the way it is now, so contamination issues were not I would imagine a symptom of OCD. Although one might have washed ones hands in a symbolic way to cleanse one of ones perceived sins. And this of course is done today in many religions.

The fact that OCD changes to fit in with whatever means the most to you in life is the reason why this illness is indeed so destructive to your life’s endeavours, your peace of mind, your ability to function and to be happy. It is as though it almost has a life of it’s own and in times past OCD was most likely considered the result of demonic possession. Indeed where are times in my life, particularly in the beginning when my OCD become full blown, that I did indeed considered that I was possessed by a demon. Maybe this consideration was not an entirely serious one, nonetheless the idea most certainly occurred to me quite often particularly as at the time my main OCD manifestations were religious. Even if I were not possessed in a religious sense I also gave some credence to the possibility that I was influenced by an incorporeal enmity, a being who has evolved beyond the need for a physical body, a being who could enter ones mind and influence ones thoughts. On occasion now many years after receiving a diagnosis of OCD still I give some thought to such considerations due to the pervasive and intrusive nature of OCD thoughts which seem as though they are somehow fed into your brain. Yes perhaps I read and watch too much science fiction and fantasy and well...... yes I do. However despite the unlikelihood of either of the above considerations, whether demons and incorporeal beings, at times because of the intrusive nature of these awful thoughts which fuelled the fear filled compulsions  it most certainly felt as though I was invaded by an outside influence rather than from forces from within, in other words my aberrant mind,

If you have OCD you know only too well what I mean and one can well understand why in times past such illnesses could easily be thought of as the result of possession. And yes OCD most certainly makes you feels as though your mind is not your own, and nor are these thoughts yours as they are just so awful, so abhorrent, so tortuous and consume your life with such fear and anxiety that you have little room for much else. They do not feel a part of you, they' re unwanted, intrusive and ceaseless in their persistence and you may well feel at times as though your mind is indeed under siege from the constant onslaught and you may well believe that you re under attack from an emery from without rather than from within.

OCD thoughts are very powerful indeed and not easy to resist and you should not feel a failure or weak because you are not at this time able to resist them. Many people in our society simply do not understand how real such thoughts are to us and how we feel such fears, as for instance: someone may die if I do not wash my hands, if I think a certain thought it will bring about harm to another person, if I do not avoid an unlucky number a loved one may die and so on and on and on, the list of possible torments is endless and different for each individual sufferer. Neither do non sufferers understand the horror of being plagued by such overwhelming and powerful intrusive thoughts which invade your mind against your volition or how powerless you feel you are to prevent their incursion or ignore their tireless persistency. Such unwanted and abhorrent thoughts may consist of blasphemous thoughts, thoughts of harming, sexual thoughts and so on. I will never forget the day when I had the first blasphemous thought and how overwhelmingly dreadful it was, how real and how sick it made me, sick with utter dread and fear for the perceived and dire consequences which may result from such a heinous thought. Even today now as I think back to that time, even though my religious beliefs have changed, still this thought has enormous power and as I write about it here I struggle to prevent it once again entering my mind. No one knows the feelings of  fear which come upon me, anxieties of becoming contaminated well up inside if for instance, a dog touches me, licks me, the dread is felt to the pit of my stomach, the fear leaps to my throat. The overwhelming fear is not possible to describe along with the sadness as OCD takes away your life, your ability to really fully involve yourself self in for example religion and your ability to have contact with animals: I love animals and would love to pat a dog or stroke a cat. And these two example are but a few of the many ways OCD has spoilt my life taking away simply pleasures and pursuits others take so for granted. The list now for me seems endless and if you have read my memoir and other writings you will know how pervasive OCD has been and continues to be and as sufferers we need to be ever diligent for OCD as it intrudes upon our endeavours.

Knowing now the nature of the beast does to some extent help me to be more mindful what is and what is not OCD, nonetheless it is not easy to thwart OCD's constant attempts to ruin your life. People think that now you know it is an illness that you can than take no notice of the awful intrusive thoughts and the compulsions that accompany them. I only wish it were as easy as that. For me personally such thoughts still overwhelm me and seem very real and it is by no means an easy matter to ignore them, the thoughts return again and again, one gets no peace. And yes I know I appear weak and often I capitulate just to get some peace knowing however that the more you give in the stronger, more frequent and more persistent the thoughts will be.

But you should not be discouraged with the right support and modern medical intervention there is hope now for many OCDers to lead a more normal life. Often I worry about all the negative stuff I write but unfortunately  this is the way my illnesses manifests right now, and of course this blog must reflect this but this does not mean you will be this way. Like all illnesses OCD manifests in varying degrees in each individual. Also improvements have been made in treating the disorder and things are more hopeful now that when I first presented with OCD. Moreover I think it is all a matter of support, encouragement and intensive therapy which sadly is not always available for many reasons, OCDers need constant encouragement and support and often resources are not available. It is a difficult struggle and for me personally one that I cannot win alone, at least not for now but I never give up I have always tried, I have struggled with OCD for years, it has not won every time and I have controlled it, maybe not for long but it has nonetheless not always had it’s own way. Each day I try to at least do something that is worthwhile and of value to myself and others and I hope that despite the negativity of many of my entries here and other writings that at least by sharing my experiences I may in some way help to improve public awareness. And by no means is my case as severe as many, indeed OCD can be extremely incapacitating so if you are reading this and have a loved one who is incapacitated by OCD do not think less of him or her, it is difficult illness to overcome and the thoughts are so real and not easy to ignore and may be right now impossible. Consider that sufferers of OCD do not want to be this way. No most certainly not. Often I long to be just like everyone else, it is not easy to watch your life pass by as though you are merely an observer standing on the periphery of existence unable to completely participate and have a meaningful life.
 

October 8th

Without health life is not life; it is only a state of langour and suffering - an image of death.
Buddha

Some days you really feel so low so depressed and hopeless and this morning I really feel so sick and tired of my miserable existence. I woke early as usual before 4am, my body also as usual aches like hell, I feel exhausted and depressed. I feel old and in pain and know this is going to be it for the rest of my life there is no point in going to the doctor he can do nothing. The pain is I believe fibromyalgia but the doctors will not give it a name and want to prescribe serotonin reuptake inhibitors which for reasons I have explained before and will not bore you with again do not agree with me.

It is Monday morning and although I do not now go to work I still get that horrid sinking feeling of despair as the week begins, another round of unhappiness with little or no pleasure and nothing much to look forward to. Last night I was watching a film, it matters not which one, as usual it was not about anything very positive, they never are they, no wonder a lot of people feel depressed these days it’s all the negativity with which we are presented all the time. But most films regardless of the story line show people going about their business living their daily lives. And for a moment I felt a pang of deep regret, I envy them the normal people who can live their lives free from the torment of mental aberration. I realised as I do from time to time just how I do not have such freedom or take much of an active part in life, even in everyday mundane and common place uneventful life. Normal life does not exist for me. It is a concept alien to me, my whole day is contrived, organised, my OCD pervades most of my life, my entire existence is effected by it in one way or another and there is little time for anything much in the way of enjoyment. What is enjoyment anyhow, I can’t say, I can't recall such feelings or emotions it has been so very long. I mean how the hell can you enjoy yourself when you are tormented by fearful anxiety provoking OCD thoughts and your every movement is dictated by them to some extent. Now that it is so entrenched most of the time I do not realise just how enslaved I have become by my thoughts and my aberrant mind except on the occasions when I get these kind of wake up calls when for a time the reality of my situation seems to come to the fore and I am jolted from my complacency, apathy and acceptance.

Yes acceptance. How many of us are like this, on some level we have accepted our lives as restrained and confined as they are and somehow we live in this tight periphery of existence  to such an extent that we are out of touch with our feelings and sometimes we are not even aware of the profundity of our depression, the extent of our apathy and the degree of our anxiety. Not that you have consciously made up your mind to accept your lot, no this acceptance was entirely automatic and until you have analysed your situation you had not realised you had accepted it and become accustomed to it. Maybe this does not describe your situation I know, we are all different and during our lives our OCD will change and your attitude towards it may alter also.

I cannot go out alone not that I want to I am not happy being alone but I would perhaps like the freedom to go out if necessary without fear. It would be great to go out with or without another person and not be anxious for even accompanied I am of course still fearful but better able to cope than I would be alone. I will only go out with my husband and no one else and this must be rather a strain for him although he never complains.  I am never relaxed always anxious worrying about contamination, careful not to brush past people, watching where I walk, careful not to walk in anything on the pavement which may cause me to discard my shoes - it I had any of course. It is now October and still I am in my sandals I have nothing else to wear I have been unable to go and buy any shoes, I just can’t get it together to do so. Partly due to my OCD I have to be clean, OCD clean which as sufferers know is not the same as clean for everyone else and also my life seems so crowded out with one thing and another that I have not had the time. I have no tights either I simply can’t cope with the process of buying any since becoming rather over weight it is difficult to buy tights that fit, larger sizes are designed for tall people, the perverse logic of manufacturers who assume that because you might need more room across the waist and hips you are about seven feel tall! Yes a slight exaggeration maybe but really are they so unaware of the epidemic of overweight or obese people and assume you' re tall if you need extra inches round your waist! In fact buying cloths is so difficult now because of one thing and another that I rarely bother until necessity dictates. I have to buy everything now without trying on; because of my OCD I would feel that no matter how much I had washed prior to going to the shop I would somehow contaminate the garment and I would than have to buy it so there is no point in trying it on is there? Besides it is so difficult for me to cope with going into a shop to select cloths, tights or whatever or even get my prescription filled for that matter as my sensitivity to noise is really hyper now and as I have lamented before you can't go nowhere without having your senses assaulted with intrusive music and endless announcements blaring. I walk into a  shop I can't think, I am on the verge of screaming sometimes, this is no exaggeration. My whole body becomes tense I can’t think straight and all I want is to go home. You know there are times now when I begin to wish I was deaf. But the odd thing is strange as this may seem I cannot hear voices so well as I once did and would have considered that perhaps I am losing my hearing if it were not for the fact that my senses regarding other noises including low frequency sounds have become heightened.

The general clamour of the city is truly overwhelming, people walk at break neck speed, barge their way through thinking they have some God given right to walk right through everyone else and everyone will move out of their way. Why are people always racing about, it is crazy, it drives me crazy. Everything now drives me crazy and there is little pleasure in going to such places.

Than you have to be always mindful of dogs, people who seem to think it does not matter if their dog jumps all over a stranger, a person of whom they know nothing, it seems never to occur to them that this person might be phobic, allergic or would simply rather not have their cloths cleaned after some thoughtless dog owner has allowed their dog to jump all over any one and everyone. And besides do they really think that their dog enjoys being dragged about on a lead through crowded streets, it will probably from time to time gets his paws trodden on. Do they think he likes being left outside in the cold and the rain tied to a post or left in a car on a hot sunny day with the windows closed. Why do people bring dogs into towns ? Neither the dogs nor I appreciate it.

So there are big issues concerning my OCD the above are merely a few examples it is indeed difficult and sometimes impossible to do almost anything without at least a concerted effort and an Herculean struggle. Furthermore my psychical maladies make life difficult, it is not easy coping with OCD and that is an understatement but the addition of headaches, migraines and general aches and pains and muscular stiffness certainly add to the mix of misery. Maybe some people have the wherewithal to transcend such difficulties but quite frankly I am feeling very overwhelmed of late and my ability to function is declining. I know it is only a coincidence but whenever I need to go out there it is again another headache either a tension headache or a migraine, perhaps both. Yes I know it is not always the way of it but oftentimes it appears to be. This morning we have to go out for our son he is not able to drive and in his state of stress probably never will. I had to put him off last week with yes you guessed it a headache so here I am yet again with another headache. I did not have one on Saturday or Sunday when it would not have been such a problem. I hate to disappoint him yet again. I feel so guilty, no it is not my fault but rather like over responsibility discussed or rather rambled about at great length in the previous entry, guilt is part and parcel of having OCD. These days all of this is so frustrating and I get angry really angry, the struggle with life seems so pervasive and there is never any respite or any sanctuary from all my woes.

This morning I am having a really good moan I know but some days it is like that you really feel as though you cannot take anymore. In between all this rambling I have been trying to complete a section of my on-inline course for photo editing. Sometimes it helps to swap around and do different things or perhaps it is just my ADD, whatever I swap and change. The software for the course has finally loaded up, over the past few weeks the programme has simply not loaded, more frustration and I have to admit that my enthusiasm has waned. This is also due to the fact that I cannot concentrate or absorb the information presented. This morning it seems it is more difficult that usual, already I feel exhausted, it is now 6.45. there is like a tightness right across my forehead and I have brain fog and I cannot think straight, in the test I got only one answer correct out of a total of four. I am beginning to feel that my stress is taking everything away from me as my ability to focus and concentrate, comprehend and absorb information is declining, in fact this morning it is impossible! And remember it all well....... I can’t recall one thing, not one single thing it is as though I have not learnt a thing. The course however it has to be said is not very clear or comprehensive one is presented with a bunch of facts such as this and that tool has this and that effect, several such snippets of information is provided before you get to have a quick try yourself and than a bunch of questions asking you which tool does which task and of course I haven't a clue. Learning computer programmes often boils down to memory, it is matter of learning which tool does what , which button to click , which selection upon which menu and so on and if your memory is not functioning...... well you ‘re lost. And if you re stressed you cannot concentrate and the more you try the more brain fog you get and as a consequence of course you cannot recall anything.

Well I must stop now I have that headache mentioned earlier and it is not going to go away and will drive me crazy not knowing if dare go out or will it turn into a migraine. I really get so weary sometimes of it all.

10.30

Just now I came across an old letter of my mother’s written some fifteen years or more ago, reading it brought back long forgotten memories and I missed her. My mother died in 1991, I was sad when she died, I am sad when anyone dies but I have to be honest I rarely actually miss her - well until today that is. We were never close and in my early adulthood she for reasons I never understood seemed to rejected me for years. There was some vague reconciliation of sorts although I never knew why she seemed to turn against me and not wish to see me. After which there was constant tension between us and I never again had any real kind of normal relationship with my mother. I dreaded talking to her on the phone and our visits become more and more strained but in this letter she had wanted to she me and expressed concern that she would never see me again. I do not know if I saw her again after receiving this letter, it is not dated. She was killed in a car accident on the weekend that my husband, son and I were supposed to be going to visit her. I had postponed it for a week later, having just returned from holiday I did not feel I could cope with a visit with my mother who was always difficult and often hostile and aggressive. But reading this letter I missed her terribly she seemed different in her letters and I wondered why she could not be like that when I spoke with her on the phone or visited her. There are many things now I would like to share with my mother and until today I had not realised in fact just how much I think about her and my father despite the way things turned out and her attitude towards me. Both my parents are dead now my father died in 1978 and today my heart aches for them and also my only sibling my younger sister who died two years ago at only 51 years of age. To tomorrow she would have been 54 and I miss her so much we shared so many things, confidences that we shared with no one else. Often I have so many things to tell my sister and it is than that I miss her more than any other times for you see it is at this time that I know she is no longer here and I cannot live in the kind of denial that I have lived in on and off since her death, and that bit of emptiness in my heart gets bigger. I thought we would grow old together she and I both so fearful of death and aging, both so afraid and fearful of life each with our crippling anxieties. I partly regretted reading that letter it made me depressed and I wished that things could be different. I can change nothing I know, but this is of no consolation.
 

October 11th

My heart goes out to the people of Pakistan another dreadful tragedy for suffering humanity the loss of life is appalling and I could cry as I  feel such misery profoundly.  It is not easy to imagine the scale of such a tragedy, the fear and anxiety and the sorrow of bereavement for those who survived.  Survivors may not have lost their lives but their lives are forever effected and will never again be the same.  Loss of loved ones, homes, livelihoods, security; all within moments lives are tragically changed. There seems so much suffering recently and you feel so lost and helpless as there is little ordinary people can do. 

Again with this tragedy I feel guilt for all my recent complaining as often I get so involved, so enmeshed and trapped within my own suffering that I am less mindful of the immense and overwhelming suffering which in some way or another is the lot of every living being, I feel so ashamed when such events occur. I will not say such traumatic events make me transcend my own rather inconsequential suffering - at least inconsequential in comparison to the suffering of countless thousands to day and every day - rather such events compound my own suffering as I feel the misery and hopelessness of others. I do not think that one can truly be happy when others sufferer, other people and indeed other creatures. Today I am tearful reminded yet again this morning of the horror of suffering for the people of Pakistan as news bulletins tell me than over 20,000 people are dead, two and a half million are homeless and the suffering may increase still further with the treat of disease. All of which will be compounded by the unimaginable emotional suffering.

Here are a couple of links if you wish to help

DEC Welcome to the Disasters Emergency Committee

Today I hope to go to the cathedral with my husband son and brother in law to light a candle in remembrance of my sister, today would have been her birthday and on such anniversaries one misses a loved one more keenly. The pain of this loss is hard and increases with time as I believe does any loss as the future during which you expected to be with this person is irrevocably altered and you remind yourself as I have just done now and did yesterday how old that person would have been, what they would have been like and what we want to share with them. Often when visiting all  the lovely scenic and interesting places in our locality I wish she were still here so that  I could have shared the peaceful beauty of these places that would have bought some peace to her troubled soul as they do mine despite all my maladies

Buddhist Prayer for Peace
May all beings everywhere plagued
with sufferings of body and mind
quickly be freed from their illnesses.
May those frightened cease to be afraid,
and may those bound be free.
May the powerless find power,
and may people think of befriending one another.
May those who find themselves in trackless, fearful wilderness--
the children, the aged, the unprotected--
be guarded by beneficial celestials,
and may they swiftly attain Buddhahood.

October 12th

I gained a small modicum of comfort from our visit to the Cathedral yesterday to light a candle for my sister. I did not think that I would but often such rituals can bring us some peace. This small ritual of lighting a candle as a symbol of remembrance on my sister’s birthday made me feel closer to her in this very ancient and atmospheric place. It matters not what ones religion is or even if one has any religion at all, positive rituals of this kind help us cope with some of the unhappiness of our lives, suffering that every creature who lives endures from time to time. I have said before that I do not belong to any religion but choose whatever beliefs and practices from any faith that appeals to me and helps me live my life in the here and now. And today this simple ritual did that although it bought with it some sadness and thinking about it today I feel a great sense of loss and miss her terribly more than I can say and on a level not easy to describe as words seem so inadequate. I do not know what I believe if anything concerning an after life as I have lived in fear of death all my life right from early childhood and most of my OCD is motivated by such fears, fears that I may not exist after death. Nonetheless I hope that something of my being transcends death and that on some level of awareness my sister was there with us. She like me feared death , maybe not for the same reasons I will not elaborate as such is morbid and really serves little purpose and I have most likely mentioned my sister’s fears elsewhere in my writings and today I really feel rather fragile to go into such detail and awaken my own sadness and fears.

OCD is an illnesses which is in its way ritualistic and the compulsions are referred to in medical terms as rituals and consequently one might think that all ritualistic behaviours are negative and should be avoided. Perhaps this is the case if one is practicing such rituals because of feelings of fear or for superstitious reasons, fearing harm if one does not or to divert a tragedy. For instance when my religious OCD was very severe I lived in the grip of superstitious dread and among many such obsessions and compulsions I had the ritual every day of reading from the bible before I went to sleep, I did not want to do this but had the superstitious fear that if I did not some dire consequence would befall me or a loved one. If such rituals are done in apprehension they should be avoided. But If you find that rituals such as the candle lighting above bring comfort than why not, there can be no harm and we know don't we after so many years of suffering how to tell the difference. If whatever rituals or religious practice is undertaken willingly and brings comfort and is not practiced in a superstitious way it is okay and can actually help. Perhaps it is the need for more positive ritual in our lives that is lacking as such needs, even if we do not realise it, are innate to some extent in everyone, most people practice certain rituals that bring comfort. It is not the ritual it is the thinking behind it. If you have to perform any ritual because you re afraid not to do so or you feel guilty you should be aware of this and avoid getting enmeshed and embroiled in such behaviours which will take over your life as they did mine and continue to do today.
 

October 14th

I thought I would share with you today some photographs which you may use as desk top wall paper.  I know this has nothing to do with OCD but it's nice to think about other things from time to time because if you dwell on your illnesses they can become so overwhelming. OCD is a very pervasive disorder and can take over you entire life, and even now just trying to write this and sort out the photographs for publication I am beset by OCD thoughts and compulsions, so it for me never goes away. Nonetheless sometimes you have to try to carry on and try to do something positive, even if it takes for ever to accomplish and complete something because you 're hindered by your OCD thoughts and compulsions.

The photographs below were taken recently in Cumbria on Alston Moor.  Lick on the thumb nail to see a larger image. To acquire the images sized for desk top wall paper click on John's wallpaper link: Johns Photograph Download page Sky.

October 15th

All beings hate pains; therefore one should not kill them. This is the quintessence of wisdom: not to kill anything.
Sutrakritanga (Jainism)

I have contaminated my best winter coat, the one I feel most comfortable in. I had to use a public toilet. You know how cramped those cubicles are you can barely turn round and someone had left a pile of screwed up toilet paper on a shelf and I accidentally brushed past it as I bent forward to put paper on the seat the way I always do to avoid contact with the seat. I was so mad with whoever had left it there. I had no way of knowing if it is just screwed up paper or if it had been used to... well you know don‘t you, your OCD imagines the worst. It looked like just crunched up paper, the toilet roll had not been properly placed in the holder, whoever cleans the toilets just couldn't be bothered to unstick the seal and the paper may have simply been the result of the previous users attempts to unravel it. But I don't know do I? I just couldn’t wear my coat, no not for a minute and immediately took it off, turned it inside out so as not to contaminate anything else and I than had to complete the rest of my journey and the outing without a coat! I could have it cleaned you might suggest but no this brings it’s own problems: firstly I do not feel dry cleaning removes contamination, at least my OCD does not see it this way. I never feel something has been decontaminated unless it is cleaned with running water, just using cleaning fluids, disinfectant and so on does not still my OCD’s insistence that germs still remain if it is not treated with running water. The second dilemma is one which even fellow OCDers may consider strange and perhaps incongruous with OCD, although those of us who have suffered for long know only too well that OCD does not necessarily follow logic and some of our behaviours may seem at variance to others.

Now I hope that what I say will not feed anyone else's OCD but this can of course happen with any obsession even the more common place ones, nonetheless the following is an idea that you may not have considered. However it might be an idea that you may not even care about as each individual's OCD seems set to manifest according to that person’s likes and dislikes, their world view, religion, philosophy and so on. OCD centres it’s torment around anything which means a lot to you and what you believe and feel strongly about, Now I do not like harming any creature with the exception of course of bacteria and viruses. Now there are microscopic living creatures which exist everywhere as I am sure most of us realise, they ‘re not disease carrying organisms but nonetheless they exist virtually anywhere and this can include soft furnishings and cloths such as a winter coat that is not washed regularly as say a dress or a shirt is - my winter coat is the type of style and cloth that can only be dry cleaned. I have concern about killing such tiny creatures which makes it difficult to have my coat cleaned. I know according to western culture this may seem ludicrous but for me it is a relevant consideration as I am not bound by culture despite what a psychologist suggested many years ago albeit with the best of intentions to try and get me to ignore obsessions and extreme behaviours which are not related to our culture. My concern about other creatures on such a level of existence, creatures which we are only aware of on a microscopic level, however is an issue which I am not entirely sure is borne of OCD or not. As you may have read in my memoir and elsewhere I believe that all creatures have an equal right to life and that all life is precious. So notwithstanding the inappropriateness of my thinking or otherwise - at least according to the perceptive of most of us who live in the west - it is my philosophical belief not to cause harm to any being. Whether or not I would consider taking it this far if it were not for my OCD I do not know as this is for me a very grey area.

It is difficult for me to explain this problem in so many words but the crux of the matter is I cannot have my coat cleaned. However over the top this may seem to others it is nonetheless not an easy matter to ignore this dilemma and what to me is an ethical issue any more than are my other more usual contamination issues. Neither is it any easier to ignore because of my confusion about the matter not knowing whether this rather extreme view is really me or my OCD. For you see because I have OCD I am not entirely sure were this extreme view is coming from but I genuinely feel it is part of my beliefs for there are religions such as Jainism which believe that all life is of equal importance and practitioners of this religion go to extreme lengths to avoid killing any creature, extreme in relation to western standards were little regard is given to the lives of other creatures with which we share this world. For instance a Jain will not eat root vegetables as this causes harm to the tiny creatures that exist on the roots.

I believe that it is fine to uphold such difficult beliefs and just because they' re unusual or not in line with your culture you should not automatically dismiss them or invalidate them by telling yourself that it is your OCD or allowing others to tell you that it is your OCD. But like everything else OCD will confuse the issue and you can end up doubting yourself and your motives, and any beliefs whether unusual or mundane OCD will turn them into a misery of doubt and indecision. Many years ago I had a GP who was a Jain practitioner, now he functioned quite normally and it was not until many many years had passed that I knew that he had such strong and rather difficult beliefs. And yes difficult beliefs to uphold particularly in our modern society where our cultural beliefs teach us to consider that all life on this planet is here for our sole convenience to use and sadly abuse as we see fit. For the most part such beliefs are so ingrained that most people give them little thought whatsoever. So such beliefs can be upheld without detriment to ones life unless of course you have OCD and it is this that makes such beliefs difficult particularly if you have evolved such beliefs over time and you can doubt what if such beliefs are coming from you or your OCD. Basically I believe that it for me is right to do my utmost to preserve the life of any creature as far as is possible and as long as I feel comfortable doing so than this is okay no matter how extreme my behaviours appear to others however to reiterate OCD does confuse the issue. For instance if it were not for my OCD I would probably not feel that the coat needs to be cleaned in the first place and I would not therefore be exhausting my mind with such ruminations.

Therefore even before deciding if it is appropriate to clean my coat and ignore such considerations, I would also first need to ask myself the question: is it in fact necessary to clean my coat, would a non OCD person send their coat to the cleaners in such circumstances. One of the greatest difficulties with the OCD is that a lot of the time we do not know what is normal and what is not and before we can even consider taking our courage into our own hands and confronting our OCD we do need to know what is normal behaviour in such instances and what is not and for me over the years it has become increasingly more difficult to answer that question.

The crux of the matter concerning the coat is really does it need to be cleaned? Well the problem is I don’t know. Yes it would help if I did but even hygiene can be a matter of perspective in some instances and in grey areas such as this perhaps you need help from another person although of course rather like the problem with anxieties about killing tiny creatures it is in some ways yet again all a matter of perspective. I rather think that a normal person would have taken little notice in the first place that they had  been in contact with the tissues and if they had they most likely would assume that the screwed up tissues were just that, screwed up tissues and even if they had felt uncomfortable they may have gone home and rubbed on a little disinfectant. In fact by the time they had gone home they would have most likely forgotten the whole incident . But after all these years I cannot genuinely talk myself into doing the normal thing because I do not know without reoccurring doubts quite what the normal thing to do is in this instance there is always the nagging voice of OCD

I felt awkward telling you about my dilemma concerning harming such creatures. Why I am ashamed of the way I think in this regard I do not know. Just because I have OCD it does not mean that I am not entitled to such opinions, neither does it mean that because such opinions are extreme for people of our culture that I can easily cast them aside or set aside the obsessions and compulsions that centred around such beliefs any more easily  than I can dismiss the other obsessions and compulsions that centre upon every other facet of my personality.

OCD is a complex illnesses and it will have you thinking that you have no control over your mind and it will make you feel as you do not know entirely who you are, what part of you is the real you the person nature or God or whatever intended you to be.

October 16th

If I look out of my window there is quite a view, not a spectacular view or anything but a pleasant view nonetheless of fields and in the very far distance I can just make out the Durham Dales. In the winter when snow settles on the hills it is indeed quite pretty and today there is a haze as the day is warm for October and sunny and if you were sitting here on the end of the couch right in front of the window you could well imagine that this was an ideal place to live. And yes it would be if it were not for the noise from the factory and the constant drone of traffic which passes by, even on a Sunday there is little peace from its relentless passing, rather like a river which runs its course to the sea it never stops but only eases from time to time. I can just about bear the sound of the traffic although lately it is beginning to get on my nerves. I have lived near a main road now for at least twenty five years, most of these in Sussex but now I am finding that I am hypersensitive to noise and the issue with the factory seems in some way to have accentuated this but this is a coincidence perhaps as other sensory problems have also become an issue or at least a bigger issue for I have always had such problems to a degree.

They do not work a nightshift on four evenings each week but as those of you who have read my blog will know that for nearly two years I have been driven crazy by a constant low frequency hum which most others either do not hear or care nothing about. Now this tortuous noise appears not to happen quite as often as it did and dare I say it I have not heard it for some time. But there has been another noise, a noise I cannot explain that in the quietness of the night when there is no bother from the nightshift can be heard by.... well by myself only it would seem as no one else appears to hear it. Last week I had a couple of nights when it was dead quiet except for the very infrequent passing of traffic for the first time since we have been here and I had hopes that this noise of which I do not know the origin has stopped. I do not think it has anything to do with the factory for when I open the window on the nights when they are not working I cannot hear this noise as it seems not to come from the outside. Yet it is not in my head it is not tinnitus. Sometimes I wonder if I am losing my mind - well if you have read all my writings on this website and you do not have OCD you may probably think that I have already lost my mind:-).

Also in the last few days there has been this unpleasant smell like rotting vegetables. That is the nearest description I can make, as with the noise no one else seems to be able to smell it. Either my senses have become heightened or I am having auditory and olfactory hallucinations if such are impossible.

In addition I am barely able to wear my cloths as they feel so uncomfortable, itchy, tight, I fidget and can't find anything I feel comfortable in and I am irritated to distraction and can't wear clothing that hitherto had been okay, not even synthetics!

As  I have mentioned before I could have Aspergers syndrome, a mild form of autism and sensory hypersensitivity seems to be a symptom of autism at least in some people but there is another disorder, isn't there always, called sensory integration dysfunction SID  Sensory integration International FAQ Center which can occur on its own or as part of several conditions including all types of autism, in fact a significant number of people with Aspergers syndrome report having some if not all of the symptoms. If my psychiatrist knew I was looking round for solutions and finding new causes for these strange problems he would strongly advice me against so doing. Yet I am simply looking for parts of the puzzle, I want to know what is happening to me as my sensory mechanisms seem to have gone into overdrive, much like when as a child I would scream in the street. I can barely cope anymore with crowded cities and towns, being touched, the sensation of certain materials next to my skin, crowded shops, blaring music, any music, too much talking, too much information and trying to do more than one thing at a time. I feel so overwhelmed the least noise, the least smell, more than one or two people at a time, loud voices all drive me crazy.

I think there is a connection between OCD and autism I believe many people with OCD have some form of autism and are on the autistic spectrum be it high functioning autism or aspergers or simply autistic traits. Yes I know that autists have obsessive compulsive tendencies inasmuch there is often a fixation upon a certain interest and interests are limited to one or two areas only such as computers and transport but this as we all know is not the same thing as the obsessions and compulsions of OCD. Yes autists do have OCD symptoms and that is of course my whole point. You can I believe have OCD with autism; you can be autistic with full bloom OCD or you can have OCD and autistic traits or be somewhere on the autistic spectrum. You can be autistic and suffer from OCD the same as you can be anything else such as deaf and suffer with OCD, diabetic and sufferer with OCD... well you get the point I am sure. Although if you have OCD you are more likely perhaps to have autism co morbid with your OCD or autistic traits than perhaps the rest of the population. It is my opinion, and not only mine the connection has of course been made by many others although information here on the net seems sparse, that there is a relationship between OCD and autism. It is most certainly my opinion from personal experience that many people with OCD have autistic traits even if they do not have fill blown autism . Many people with OCD will have an autistic child, and my son has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. Someone with autism most likely will have a  least one first degree relative with some kind of OCD. One of the questions asked when psychologists make an assessment is whether or not there is anyone in the family with OCD.

You should not consider the extremes of autism only, for instance the portrayal of an autistic savant in the Rain Man this type of autism is rare. Autism it is a very pervasive illness and manifests quite differently and people are able to cope at different levels and to different degrees. Some manage to live independently and many are able to exploit their special interests or talents and abilities while others will need a life time of care. I am not expert on autism and my not have my facts straight if you re interested than click the links below for a more authorities accounts.

The National Autistic Society - Home

Oasis: Asperger Syndrome

Two very informative personal websites for autism and aspergers syndrome

Welcome to AS-IF... Asperger Syndrome Information and Features

Wendy Lawson's Home Page..

I am of the opinion that if OCD is to be overcome or made more manageable the presence of co morbid conditions such as autism or the existence of traits of other conditions need to be taken into consideration. For mental health problems a more holistic approach is required no illness can be successfully treated in isolation. Moreover sufferers need to be aware of the possibility that they may be effected by such conditions as such knowledge often helps us to come to terms with some of our inexplicable behaviours and perceptions which do not appear to fit in with the primary condition, which for me of course is OCD, and which may make us feel even out of place with fellow sufferers. Such awareness  helps us see our place within the world in order to feel less isolated by what we can can only call our  idiosyncrasies which separate us from others leaving us feeling so very alone when in fact we are not as there are others just like us. If we feel we are different and rather as though no matter were we live or what we do or with whom we associate we simply do not feel that we fit in, well we need to know why. My son tells me he felt much better knowing he has Aspergers as it helps to answer many of the questions concerning some of the difficulties he has been facing in his life

If you have any views on the matter please contact me if you wish to share them

October 17th

Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.
Gene Fowler

One of the most difficult things about having this noise nuisance other than the noise of course is the uncomfortable feeling that right there in the very place that I live right within line of my vision each time that I look out of the window are people who do not give a dam about how much misery they are causing by the noise they are making throughout the night. Sometimes that more than the noise makes me feel sick inside. I look out the window now and I can see this factory lit up like a Christmas tree a reminder of the misery to come tonight and I am angry so angry. In addition to sleep deprivation it makes me depressed just looking at the dam place and I can’t live here anymore. I cannot imagine doing something knowing that what I was doing was causing detriment to other people day in and day out or rather night in and night out .I guess that is because I have OCD or is it who knows, I like to think that I am a decent person and would not cause harm unknowingly even if I did not have OCD. But lets face it most people with OCD are ethical, moral, mindful of the needs of others, over responsible and scrupulous and riddled with a hypersensitive conscience. I cannot imagine my conscience allowing me to even contemplate doing serious harm to another. I have thoughts you bet I have thoughts particularly when my health has deteriorated because of the thoughtless and selfish actions of others in the last five or six years and this includes this factory and the noise and yes I have nasty thoughts but that is as far as it goes. But I am angry sooooooo angry.

I am sick and tired of waking each morning feeling so awful, sick inside with the misery of depression and anxiety, that familiar lump in my throat and that sickening dread of hopelessness. Yes such seems over dramatic but it nonetheless is true I cannot begin to explain to you that dreadful feeling in my stomach and the strange surging sensation which rises to my throat. Yes indeed there are not words to describe just how awful I feel. Yes of course all of this is not entirely connected to the noise problem but it along with all the problems that have besieged us since moving here is having a devastating effected upon my health. I cannot concentrate, my memory is poor and sometimes I really do not know if I am coming or going and am confused and rather out of it. I know of course that they are not making noise just to make my life miserable but they are nonetheless continuing to do so regardless of the effect that it is having not only upon me but also upon my neighbours who finally now are complaining. The environmental department are supposed to be having a meeting with the management, but it has been a month since we complained and others complained before that and I do not hold out much hope that anything will be done as it would need the intervention of a court as there appears to be no laws preventing them from going exactly what they like.

Yesterday was a glorious warm sunny day and we went out into the countryside but when I returned home to this awful place I could hardly bear it and feel as though I just now want to be elsewhere. I would live in a potting shed just to be in the peace and quiet and the splendour of the hills and mountains of the Lake district, the Yorkshire dales, the Northumbrian hills anywhere remote and peaceful where you can look out of your window and see the hills and tress where everything is green and all you can hear are the birds singing and sheep bleating rather than grey buildings and the rumble of machinery. Yes as I have said we do have rather a pretty view from the living room window but if I look to the side I can see that factory and even if I could not I know it’s there.

Yes we are within reasonable travelling distance of some really tranquil and scenic places and I am grateful to be able to get away for a while even if it is only for a day but than I have to return here and face the unhappiness. It is not only the problem with the factory but it is all the unhappiness the whole situation . After living somewhere as time passes it is as though all your misery and unhappiness becomes embedded within walls, the floors, the very foundations of your home. It is rather like some kind of bad vibe, for want of a better word, that one emanates with ones misery that seems to remain and accentuate the continuing unhappiness, which is sadly the lot of those who suffer with OCD in general, but for those of us who suffer with severe OCD which has become compounded with other unhappiness this is even more so. And indeed this of course is the case with anyone who sufferers from any of the disorders on this website or any mental health problem. It is as though your suffering leaves an imprint and this imprint is added to and compounded, it feels tangible in the air, in the very atmosphere of your home. When you wake in the morning to the same familiar room no matter who much you change it around that feeling is there heavy and pervasive as your unhappiness accumulates and greets you upon waking. The darker mornings of winter accentuate this feeling. Yes it does help to change things around but after a while they too become familiar and until you can contend with the reasons for you suffering nothing much really changes on a permanent basis

October 18th

Further to the entry of October 16th concerning the relationship between OCD and autism. Just as a matter of interest I wonder how many have noticed that the character Adrian Monk from the TV series Monk the detective with OCD and other anxiety disorders also has autistic traits or indeed out right Aspergers syndrome. Whoever has done the research and is responsible for the script has included symptoms of autism, particularly Aspergers syndrome, among the many characteristics of Adrian Monk. Which rather confirms my belief that in some cases theses conditions manifest together in a significant number of sufferers and not only OCD but also with other anxiety disorders. If you think about the character of Monk he is just presented as he is, as far as I am aware there is no mention as to what disorder he suffers from, at least not in so many words; OCD is never mentioned nor are any of the other neuroses specifically identified in any way, only his behaviours are featured as Monk is represented simply as an all round neurotic. Monk has many neuroses, OCD is the most prominent along with a variety phobias including claustrophobia, (fear of confined spaces) Acrophobia ( fear of heights) Ophidiophobia (fears of snakes) and many more specific phobias no doubt will be revealed as the series progresses.

Here in the UK the BBC seems only to show the occasional couple of episodes every few weeks or even months apart, a pity really as I think personally it is a great TV programme, not just because it is about a person with OCD but it is simply a good detective programme. The violence is kept to a minimum, there are no gruesome scenes, it is not morbid and depressing as so many police series are nowadays particularly here in the UK. Rather it is in the tradition of the older style detectives such as Colombo and as such is good entertainment for everyone. Furthermore it makes me laugh at myself and that can only be a good thing right ? And before someone says it takes the Mickey out of neurotics and is not therefore PC. the program also portrays the more painful side of such disorders and in my opinion increases awareness and as such is surely beneficial , anyway I digress.

Now has anyone noticed how many of Monks characteristics and behaviours are not related to OCD or any other anxiety disorder as such, they are in fact autistic behaviours most closely representative of Aspergers syndrome.

Consider the episode in New York in the hotel were Monk is distracted by noises which no one else can hear, a symptom of sensory integration dysfunction a diagnostic criterion for autism. Consider the episode in which the power station was bombed here Monk's social ineptness and inability to communicate is highlighted in no uncertain terms as he refers to a pile of categorised cards which he uses as prompts to help with a telephone conversation with a women he hopes to date. Such inability to communicate and socially integrate is another diagnostic criterion of people on the autistic spectrum. Social ineptitude is not a symptom of OCD. Also in the same episode his ability to recall a phone number after hearing it only once demonstrates his remarkable recall such  is another diagnostic criterion for autistic spectrum disorders particularly Aspergers syndrome. Again this is not a symptom of OCD.

Generally Monk lacks empathy and social skills his nurse Sharona often tells him he is being selfish. Often he appears to lack emotion another characteristic of autists who may find if difficult to express emotions. People on the autistic spectrum including Aspergers syndrome, which of all the categories of autism most closely resembles the behaviour depicted by the character of Monk, have emotions just like anyone else but the emotional response may not always be the same as that of a neurotypical * as autists lack the ability to express such emotion by body language and facial expression. Moreover the emotions of Aspergers syndrome sufferers may be precipitated by different circumstances than neurotypicals; what may produce an emotional response from a neurotypical may not do so for a person with Aspergers syndrome or other autistic spectrum disorder and vice versa.

There are also examples of Monks eidetic/photographic memory another characteristic of Aspergers syndrome which usually relates to the primary special interest, in the case of Monk his detective work. One of the best examples of this is in the first episode when after glancing at a board with hundreds of coloured pins he knocks them down accidentally after which he picks them up and places them back accurately in the correct positions.

Other characteristics of Monk which are more indicative of Aspergers syndrome than OCD are is encyclopaedic type knowable of obscure subjects, his attention to detail, although this is characteristic of OCD also, his remarkable observational skills the way in which he notices things that others do not and his ability to solves puzzles all point to him being an Aspie (an affectionate term for anyone with Aspergers syndrome} as well as an Obsessive compulsive, a phobic and a sufferer of a number of other anxiety disorders.

*
Neurotypical: a neurotypical is a  person whose neurological development is typical, a normal person according to the perception of most people. For a fuller explanation visit Wikipedia's website

 Neurotypical - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

USA Network  Monk

October 19th

I have recently come across an interesting article concerning the connection between intractable anorexia nervosa and autism. A leading expert Professor Christopher Gillberg, believes that autism may be the reason why some anorexics are unresponsive to treatment in severe and intractable cases of the condition in women and undiagnosed autism may be a factor in the low recovery rates for sufferers of this eating disorder. The same also applies to men, Prof Gillberg believes that autism is in fact behind most cases of male anorexia nervosa; about 10 percent of the 1.1 million sufferers of anorexia nervosa in the UK are men. Men however are more likely to receive a diagnosis of autism than are women, in fact as much as four times as likely. He believes that autism may go undiagnosed in women which may result in the unsuccessful treatment of anorexia nervosa. Professor Gillberg believes that the incidence of autism has been overlooked in women as their autistic traits may present differently than they present in men. Usually the special interest preoccupation characteristic of autism presents mostly as an interest in technical things such as computers and transport which for the most part is more male orientated, Prof Gillberg suggests that women may instead be more interested in collecting information upon people than things. In other words autism may be under diagnosed because it manifests differently in females.

Prof Gillberg states: "Autism may be behind many cases of anorexia nervosa. A girl may be withdrawn and uncommunicative, without attracting attention, but when she develops a calorie fixation it becomes a serious problem. He goes on to suggest that: "Counting calories may be a manifestation of autism.

Professor Gillberg believes that anorexia nervosa in a small number of women has become completely entrenched and intractable because the underlying condition of autism has not been recognised. He believes that treatment for anorexics with autism needs to be different than treatment for a neurotypical* which is ineffective due to the complications which arise when the sufferer has autism. It is therefore imperative that women and girls are correctly diagnosed concerning the possibility of the presence of an autistic spectrum disorder.
 

For more information please read the following article

Undetected autism in women manifests as anorexia nervosa

The above confirms for me my conviction that it is essential that all co morbid disorders are correctly diagnosed, recognised and treated. It is of detriment and hinders the successful treatment of any condition if all other conditions are not taken into account and in the case of anorexia nervosa the life of the sufferer may well be in jeopardy if coexisting disorders are not considered when treatment is undertaken. Consider: Approximately five percent of anorexia nervosa sufferers die from complications of the disorder and only forty per cent make a full recovery.

This research also answers for me a number of questions concerning my late sister who suffered with intractable anorexia nervosa along with agoraphobia, panic disorder and I now believe she may possibly have suffered with or had traits of Aspergers syndrome. No I have not come to this conclusion merely by reading the above article but I have done so as a result of my  increasing awareness over the years concerning the possibility that I have some  mild form of autism or have significant autistic traits. This possibility appears even more likely since my son recently received a diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome, a condition believed to be genetic. Autism,  anorexia nervosa, OCD and indeed other anxiety disorders seem related. I believe as stated previously that sufferers of OCD and other anxiety disorders, anorexia nervosa and indeed other eating disorders are more likely to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum or have significant autistic traits than perhaps the general population.

My sister's anorexia nervosa was indeed resistant to treatment although she had therapy as patient at a day hospital and made a mild recovery. I use the term mild recovery because in my opinion her weight gain was insignificant and it was obvious that this weight gain was reached with great difficulty and resistance and I knew any improvement would not be sustained. If I recall her target weight was only six and a half stones and although she was small boned and less than five feet tall this seemed to me to be rather a low weight target for a middle aged women. She resisted all the way, she was torn apart by her need to be well and her overwhelming desire or obsession to be thin, she feared putting on weight and every ounce of increased weight felt felt like a stone.

My sister was a fanatical obsessive calorie counter, every single calorie was calculated. If she had the choice of two products and one was more expensive than the other but contained one or two calories less she would buy the more expensive choice just to save one of two calories despite the fact that her finances were very limited. Lynda lived on a diet of salad and cottage cheese even on Christmas day she would sit down to cottage cheese and lettuce. She occasionally ate other things but in minute quantities assessing the calorific values meticulously. If her special foods were not available she became concerned and anxious. A great part of her waking life and her thinking processes centred round her weight and her diet. Despite warnings from concerned relatives concerning her health and the possible detriment to her heart Lynda persisted with her obsession with food. She had a congenital heart condition and I believe this was made worse by her anorexia nervosa.

Was the fact that my sister's intractable anorexia nervosa due to the possibility that the condition manifested in the first place and became untreatable because she may have been autistic, and had this been correctly diagnosed would she have had a better chance of recovery? I will of course never know but I suspect she may have been autistic most likely aspergers syndrome or at least had autistic traits for reasons I have previously stated.  She like my son and myself had social integration difficulties, her conversations with non family members often appeared contrived and awkward as though she like me had a rehearsed repertoire of learned responses to certain social situations, planned responses to anticipated conversations. She was very intelligent but hindered by social ineptness. She was shy at school and unable to mix successfully with her peers, she had few friends. She also had sensory problems with a hypersensitivity to noise and crowds. Also my sister had obsessive and limited highly focused interests in the manner described in the diagnostic criteria for autistic spectrum disorders. Her interest were not however technical or related to any of the interests usually associated with autists such as computers and transport . I recall a keen preoccupation with all things Scottish, another was Egyptology this again would change to another interest as time went on.  Such intense preoccupations are typical of autists and also the fact that such preoccupations changed is yet another indication of the possible presence of some type of autistic spectrum disorder including aspergers. Towards the end of her life she was very intensively occupied with patchwork a consuming obsession of which she lived and breathed alongside sadly the less positive preoccupation with weight and calories.  Her patchwork is intricate detailed and meticulous. I recall how she told me that she become irritated if she were interrupted from her work as is often the case when autists are by necessity forced to leave even for a time their involvement in their special interest.

To see Lynda's patchwork click Lynda Johnson: Patchwork/quilting and Teddies

Now please keep in mind that my comments on this blog particularly pertaining to autism may not be entirely accurate I am no expert and anyone interested is strongly advised to visit the websites included earlier in this month's blog.  As you know I am considering the possibility that I may have some form of mild autism or significant autistic traits. Please keep in mind that for the most part this blog is a journal and as such represents my thoughts concerning issues within my life and in this case my attempts to find out why I have the problems that I have and along the way I am sharing with you my progress or otherwise in unrevealing the enigma of my mental illness as it effects me. I have a number of co morbid conditions in addition to my OCD and as such these effect my OCD and my ability to improve my condition. I also believe that all co morbid conditions need to be considered in order to obtain the optimum benefit from therapy. At this point in my thinking and validated to a small extent by others I believe that many sufferers of OCD are likely to have some form of autism or have autistic traits and the thoughts I share with you here are my attempts to find out one way or another whether or not this this is a possibility and if it is does it apply to me. Sometimes I seriously consider the possibility while at other times I think no way this is me. But autism is a very complex and varied disorder. I always hesitate to use the word disorder or illness when referring to autism as there are those who do not consider that it is an illness as such but rather it is a neurological variation, however that is another issue for another time perhaps.

 My son is of the opinion that yes I am indeed autistic to a degree and so is his my husband his father. The problem is for me personally is that most of my symptoms for want of a better word are the negative aspects of autism such as social ineptitude, hypersensitivity, adherence to ridged routines, organisation difficulties, preoccupation with limited interests and so on while the positive facets such as an exceptional memory or mathematical skills are lacking. And of course the lack of empathy, a diagnostic criterion of autism does not really apply to me or does it? I only have empathy for people who suffer, I have no empathy for people who are happy, contented, excited or display any other emotion of which I do not personally feel. I am compiling a symptom list in the event I finally decide to pay for an assessment and I will share this with you here. A psychologist may well tell me I am obsessing and have as my mother used to say a bee in my bonnet.  However my assumptions may be entirely valid and my doubts borne of my lack of confidence and my ability to know when what I am considering is a valid assumption and not an obsession. As I have said before it is often so difficult to know what thoughts are yours and what thoughts are borne of ones OCD. Eventually the only way to find out conclusively will be for me to pay privately for an assessment.

Nonetheless whatever the outcome of any assessment for me personally I will most likely continue to consider the possibility of a relationship between autism and OCD as the two conditions seem to occur with in the same families. Moreover regardless of whether I meet the criteria for a formal diagnosis the fact will remain, and that is: I most certainly have traits of autism.

The link below has information which I have found very helpful indeed in understanding Aspergers syndrome, it is a personal website created by a person diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.

AS-IF (asperger information) - Diagnosis - Criteria

October 22rd

The deplorable mania of doubt exhausts me. I doubt about everything, even my doubts.
Gustave Flaubert

Again I am having such difficulty publishing I have lost count how many times I have checked the above entries. They will never be perfect, never! I do have a problem writing and make mistakes and I can reread over and over, check check check and still I may not see these mistakes until weeks later if at all!  Moreover I will never be satisfied about the content either, should I have said this or that, is the entry misleading, is the information incorrect, have I said something to cause harm; just lately my repertoire of worries concerning what I write seems to have grown and continues to grow as more and more negative thoughts intrude as such thoughts do with increasingly regularity for those of us who suffer with OCD. I worry that my writing has deteriorated and it does not make sense when I read it back to edit it and sometimes I do not understand what I have written, it appears muddled and less well organised. But whatever is wrong with my writing it reflects my state of mind right now and results from my OCD and the way it thwarts every endeavour and confuses your mind with doubts ad anxieties until you do not know if you're coming or going. I want to continue with this website and this journal so please bear with me if sometimes what I have written seems confused and does not make sense. Sometimes a mistake is noticeable but I simply cannot corrected it and replace it as an alterative seems not to present itself to my rather brain fogged mind and finally I have to leave it as it is even though the anxieties born of my dislike of imperfections torment me. This occurs with long sentences that I can't seem to shorten or insert punctuation to make them less convoluted. I have to accept such imperfections rather than give up this endeavour all together. I am sure that if you are sufferer of OCD you will understand.

October 24th

Knowledge is power.
Francis Bacon

Fear is, I believe, a most effective tool in destroying the soul of an individual--and the soul of a people.
Anwar el- Sadat


Sometimes I feel so depressed I never think that I will ever again feel anything else. I have some feelings of depression constantly even if it is low grade if you know what I mean, I believe this type of depression is called Dysthymia. However there are times when my depression goes much deeper, when it is more profound and hangs with a sickening heavy and pervasive sensation and I feel completely hopeless and wonder if life will ever really be worth living. The torment of misery is relentless and not always in an obvious way that I can write down in order to clearly explain to you what makes me feel so sick with depression. But in a way I guess it is unrealistic to think that I should not be depressed, it would be unreasonable really wouldn’t it not to be depressed when your mind is not your own, when you‘re tormented by intrusive unwanted thoughts, thoughts of causing harm, blasphemous thoughts, thoughts of death and illness, guilty thoughts over trifling matters, thoughts that make you feel you are contaminated, thoughts that make you anxious and afraid, thoughts which make you check over and over your written work fearing causing harm to family, strangers, other creatures. It would be silly to ever think that you could be happy when your life is filled with fear; fear that prevents you travelling even to the bottom of the street alone, fears that prevents you having a foreign holiday, going to a restaurant - is the food contaminated, will I contaminate the food, am I clean - fears of dogs, of rabies, of noise, of people, talking to people, fears of social situations including fears of joining groups, classes for education, meeting a potential friend, parties; fears of becoming ill, fearful of death, fearful of life, fearful of failure, of dying knowing I have never lived, fearful of being alone, of being in crowds... well I could go on but if you have read my memoir and other writings you know of my fears and you have some idea now just how disabling they are and how my life has been severely limited by them. Just lately I feel as though my misery will never end and nothing good will ever happen. Since my OCD became full-blown in my early twenties there have been few times in my life that have been free from fear and anxiety, from obsessions and compulsions and from chronic worry and depression. How as I am getting older my situation seems ever more hopeless

I feel now more hopeless than I have ever done in my entire life even though there have been many other times when my OCD was extremely severe. But in the past I felt more hopeful and I planned to be well, thought about being well and made efforts to be well. But in recent years I have rather given up and simply muddle through somehow living round my OCD mainly by avoiding triggers rather than confronting them. And in recent years I have felt little motivation to even try as I have received so little in the way of real therapy now for many many years. I cannot take meds they make my headaches worse at least Prozac did and I am now just too scared to try the newer variations and other than that I have received no therapy as such other than visits from various CPNs and an occasional visit to a psychiatrist. I am not sure what the role of a CPN is for I have never received any structured therapy merely just random discussions of symptoms with the occasional suggestion or two.

I really just want to be well before ... well before it is too late. I want to wake one morning and not feel depressed and consumed by anxiety plagued by tormenting thoughts and dread of the day to come. I want to feel that life is worth living and I am not just hanging on because I fear the alternative. But the chances of that all changing seem on this dark wet and gloomy day to be very remote indeed. Moreover it is not possible for me to be happy when others are not How can I be happy when my husband is depressed. He shows little emotion, rarely complains and tells me he is happy here, but I see the situation differently. He is not the same person he was before his employer sold the business to a relative who ran it to the ground, went into liquidation after making his employees lives' a misery with changes in working conditions and finally making my husband redundant after twenty seven years with the same firm. And to add insult to injury after all the liquidation processes my husband received only £50 for all those years of service to the business. And not one word from his former employer of twenty five years, not one phone call even from this man whom he thought of as a friend and who indeed was most helpful to me throughout  my illness.  Now however totally ignores my husband except for the same clone like Christmas card written with no personal comment merely best wishes from ........ Yes it is evitable for him to feel depressed and anxious about the future.

Now my son has Aspergers syndrome, is depressed and stressed and I fear he is on the verge of suffering with an eating disorder. I do not think he will ever work again and although he is keeping his website up and running he is not now well enough to pursue self employment by selling his artwork. He tells me he is now just too depressed to paint and paints only in odd and infrequent spurts. Sadly he seems to spend more of his time obsessing about food and may be heading for a new kind of eating disorder not yet fully recognised called Orthorexia Nervosa, an obsession with eating health food to extreme levels which goes beyond the normal and indeed fashionable trend to eat healthy and instead becomes an all consuming obsession resulting in vitamin deficiency, weight loss and in extreme cases death. I will discuss in another entry my concerns as time goes on and whether or not my worries are founded. But after reading the above research concerning connections between severe anorexia nervosa and the possibility that in intractable cases this eating disorder, and probably others including Orthorexia nervosa, are connected to or are precipitated by autism. Again my psychiatrist would frown on my looking for a diagnosis and solutions on the net but knowledge is power so the saying goes and knowledge is awareness and awareness is vital in the battle against all illness including mental illness and more particularly against the encroachment of eating disorders where the sufferer is at risk of death and where the unfortunate sufferer often has less or even no insight as to what is happening. This was to some extent the case with my sister. Yes she knew she was anorectic she knew her behaviour was not normal, at least she said she did but nonetheless on a subconscious level she seemed to lack any real insight and often rationalised her low weight as being entirely normal.

If you are interested in dysthmia or orthoexia nervosa please refer to the following external links

October 31st

Today we painted the bathroom - well my husband did as such is rather awkward with my OCD as I would have to shower and change afterwards which is difficult before the paint has dried. It is amazing what a difference just decorating your home can make to your mood. The pale lime green wood panelling with pale lemon walls really made the bathroom feel fresh and airy giving it a more positive feel. The bathroom for me can be place of real misery as each morning feeling deeply depressed I entered after much procrastination to engage myself in endless ritualistic washing as a result of my OCD. A shower as I have explained elsewhere is not merely a matter of taking of my cloths and stepping in, rather it is a long drawn our procedure of preliminary washing, washing of the sink, taps ,shower attachments and so and even on occasions the washing of soap, careful drying avoiding areas of contamination for instance the toilet and other less obvious areas such as the laundry basket. In addition there are various other rituals such as cleaning the toilet which has to be done before I am dressed so as not to contaminate my cloths , wiping down the walls so water will not collect and cause mildew . Mildew is driving me just crazy now, I am really obsessed by it there is nothing worse to make me feel even more awful than being faced with black mildew which as most of us know matter who hard you try will accumulate despite exhaustive procedures to discourage it’s growth or clean it away.

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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