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The chains of habit are too
weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.
Samuel Johnson
Since the age of three I have lived under the tyranny of OCD. I
have lived a life of fear compelled to waste my precious existence,
forced by powerful obsessions and compulsions to carry out time
consuming and embarrassing rituals. The life that I should have lived
and the person I should have been became consumed by this
soul-destroying illness. It is an illness that for me personally had no
respite and has no foreseeable end, an illness that has consumed my
existence, my mind, and my soul. It has absorbed my personality, the
part of your person that makes you, you, the essence of ones very being.
Who would I have been had I not had OCD? Who knows? Certainly not me, I
have lived my life under the shadow of this debilitating illness: since
the age of three my mind has been besieged by unwanted thoughts of a
morbid nature, intrusive thoughts of death and disaster have beleaguered
my mind and over the years have threatened my sanity. Since early
adulthood when the disease became full blown I have had no peace of
mind, no real joy or contentment, just gnawing anxiety and outright
fear. I have collapsed on the floor hysterical, fearing impending death,
my mind beset by thoughts of my imminent demise.
In the throes of severe religious OCD I have practiced
asceticism in order to placate and ward of death for those I love and
myself. I have been traumatised by intrusive blasphemous thoughts along
with fearful imaginings that my very thinking could harm a loved one, a
friend, a stranger, and even another creature.
Since my contamination OCD presented itself I have constantly
been tormented with terrifying thoughts, obsessions concerning
contamination by germs and chemicals and as a consequence my life has
been taken away by time consuming cleaning compulsions. Than doubting
obsessions came crowding my mind: Have I locked the door? Have I left
the cooker on? Will the house burn down? Such thoughts came again and
again tormenting me with ever changing frightening scenarios along with
the consequent checking compulsions in order to avoid such disasters
arising. And in addition my mind became increasingly overwhelmed crowded
by superstitious obsessions and compulsions all intermingling forming a
complex web of misery, so fearful, so incapacitating.
OCD is a
lonely illness, few understand which is why I wish to share my story in
order to promote a greater understanding of this chronic and
incapacitating malady. In the early nineties I decided to write my
memoirs concerning my experiences as a sufferer of OCD with the
intention of alleviating the feelings of loneliness for sufferers and to
inform carers, professionals and anyone in society concerning the nature
of this life shattering illness.
My Book.
Demons of the Mind: A Memoir of An Obsessive-Compulsive
Click here to down load book
I began to write my memoirs twelve years ago
having got the idea after writing a short autobiographical account for a
phobic group that now no longer exists.
It has been an
exhaustive endeavour. I have no experience as a writer. Indeed I have no
academic qualifications save two O levels one of which is English
language, both of which were obtained in my early thirties. I have never
been able to master the ability to spell and without the word processor
this account would not be possible. Moreover my attempts to write about
my experiences have been hampered as a natural consequence of having
OCD. Checking obsessions concerning compulsive checking of all written
documents for fear of making mistakes or writing something harmful have
delayed my progress. My progress has been hindered further by the
arrival of chronic daily headaches CDH and migraine. All in all it has
taken over twelve years to complete this account, or at least finish it
as far as is possible for a sufferer of OCD, for you see I am never
satisfied and could in theory continue indefinitely checking and
ruminating about grammar, spelling, construction anything and
everything, such is the nature of OCD.
When anyone tells me
to be patient I invariably reply:’ life is too short to be patient’. If
you feel this way and want to cut to the chase or skip to the nitty
gritty as we say here in the UK go to chapter seven which describes the
beginnings of the full-blown manifestation of my OCD. The six preceding
chapters concern the slow development of the disorder.
I have tried to get my memoir published but
receive and continue to receive rejection after rejection. The most sad
part is that no publisher has ever read it! It has been dismissed
out of hand. If a publisher is however interested please contact me by
e-mail :
Wanderingmind54@aol.com,,,
However in view of my
continuing failure in this regard I have therefore decided to publish it
free of charge on the net. It is my hope that my account may be of
benefit to sufferers, carers, students, professionals and anyone with an
interest in mental illness. My intention is to try and alleviate the
loneliness felt by many OCD sufferers by sharing the entirety of my
experiences without out either embellishment or omissions. It can be so
tempting to miss out this or that for feelings of fear, ridicule and
embarrassment concerning some of the more bizarre obsessions and
compulsions but I wanted to reflect precisely what life is like for
anyone afflicted with this disorder. My condition is severe and has been
even more severe in the past but there are others who suffer even more
than I with difficult and crippling symptoms. Sadly my story does not
have a happy end and I continue to suffer greatly with OCD and all the
other maladies mentioned in my autobiography. Most people expect such
accounts to have a happy ending, however to remain factual this is not
possible, nevertheless despite this negativity perhaps sufferers can
derive something positive from my experiences, namely an increased
awareness concerning the many pitfalls along the way which they may than
avoid. Notwithstanding its negative ending my memoir may provide
sufferers with an increased awareness concerning the subtle nature of
OCD and how it can manifest itself insidiously into our lives in ways
that we least expect. Furthermore everyone’s situation is different and
modern medicine and treatment and the latest research gives hope for
improvement for suffers both now and in the future.
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