November 17th

Well they say that every cloud has a silver lining, in anything bad there is an element of good. I have had one of the worst colds I have suffered in years, in fact I rarely suffer with colds. It has been an added burden to my everyday battle with the conditions from which I suffer, yet the difference it made when I lost my sense of smell can only be described as a positive one. But this morning I notice my sense of small has returned and I can now smell the damp musty smell that is driving me just crazy, a smell the cause of which remains a mystery. Yes we have a huge problem with damp but it is not that kind of smell.

You cannot imagine how wonderful it was not to be able to smell this odour which neither my husband or son smell, although they say they notice the occasional wif. Something like this can really effect your mood, no amount of incense entirely masks this smell nor does aroma therapy oil. Opening windows makes no difference. There is also the most awful smell in the cupboard under the stairs which comes and goes another mystery, however the others can smell this one. Not sure if its anything to do with the damp as this was one of the areas treated with the damp course but no amount of cleaning or painting will rid us of this smell.

Sometimes I feel every morning as though I wake to a constant battle with my mind, my body and this house. I spoke too soon about the roof and there are still problems with water seeping in in the section between the ceiling and the wall at the top of the stairs. It maybe that the attic has not dried out yet as this will take a long time with all that insulation which I admit was a worry when we had it done as of course when the roof leaked the dam thing becomes soggy. 

I have never lived in a house that did not have problems but this one is a real bane, and rather like every other adversity in my life it does not look as though it is about to improve any time soon.

November 24th

This evening we watched Sunday night’s episode of the new BBC drama Survivors, a remake of the 1970s popular series. Except of course the newer version was more specific, focusing on a potentially real scenario, that of a more virulent strain of flu wiping out a huge percentage of the population bringing the country and the world to a standstill. Not the best of programs to watch you might be thinking for a sufferer of contamination OCD. And you would be right of course and yes for a time I did feel the return of a previous anxiety concerning avian flu and I became anxious about my flu jab as thus far I cannot have this vaccination because I cannot get rid of my cold.

I am not old enough to be entitled to a free vaccination nor do I have any other of the specified criteria of conditions that entitle you to a free jab, but the vaccine is plentiful , the nurse has agreed to my having this and as long as someone with a greater need is not denied the vaccination I feel justified in having this on the NHS. As a sufferer of numerous conditions, many of which are considered psychosomatic but which I consider are fybromyalgia although I remain open minded , I feel that it would be extremely difficult for me to be ill in addition to these other problems, namely: migraine, chronic daily headache ,and IBS, not to mention the flu like aches and pains which at times can be uncomfortable at best, wearying and exhausting at worst, not to mention moderately painful and of course add to the mix, OCD , serve anxiety and depression. The present cold which included a cough has been difficult enough when my headaches and migraine have been severe.

Today had been an exceptionally stressful day, mostly due to an unresolved matter the nature of which I cannot tell you because of OCD fears that by doing so I will jinx the issue. It has taken some weeks to finally make a decision what to do a about this problem. I had worried myself sick on Sunday, a day when nothing much happens to distract and I try to relax, take it easy and veg out in front of the TV instead of working myself crazy with these websites. Trouble is relaxation and OCD don’t mix, at not least mental relaxation , as soon as my mind is left with nothing much to fill it OCD soon fills the gaps; the focus has to be intense to cancel out OCD or at least mitigate OCD. I cannot say that OCD is ever cancelled out. Concerning the dilemma above something did not go according to plan, the situation was made worse and I had hysterics and really felt as though I could take no more. I did finally make the decision, took action and immediately regretted it and I now await to see what happens with some trepidation. The rest of the day was spent shopping in some bewildered state of semi awareness, luckily my son did most of the shopping although the bill is always higher when he is responsible for what goes into the trolley.

The afternoon was spent in the usual state of heightened stress as we went to the local botanic gardens to feed a flock of rare sheep, which I am not sure we are allowed to do, and which I ruminated upon checking on the net to make certain that the bread we feed them was not causing harm. They are utterly delightful creatures, some are so friendly coming up to you to be fed by hand. Three in particular push their heads through the gate jostling one another for the most pieces yet never causing one another harm. Yes I do feed them but I don’t have any actual contact with them as they grab the end of the bread which is extended through the gate, although I sometimes feel their warm breath on my skin which cases some anxiety. I feel a pang of sadness, even guilt should these creatures realise I avoid them . Yes you may think I am silly and Anthromorphosizing animals but from what I have read in recent weeks while compiling my new website, animals are more clever than we think and can perceive the world on a level which we cannot comprehend. I feel so much regret that my OCD prevents me from stroking and fussing these adorable gentle creatures.

On the way home way there is an incident of road rage, mostly mine. As we where travelling along a duel carriageway in a queue due to road works another car had the audacity to drive right down the inner lane passing all the lines of cars in the queue. The motorist in front saw him approach and drove his car into the middle of the two lines effectively blocking this person, as did a bus and my husband who waved him back. Not the wisest of moves though as of course had the idiot driving not been paying attention or going too fast thinking he had the open road he could have crashed straight into him. He was however stopped in his tracks and had to wait in line like the rest of us. He had been hoping to bypass everyone else in the queue to get to the front of the line of traffic hoping someone would feel obliged to let him in. I cannot believe the audacity of some people. After we passed the traffic lights he overtook now that both lanes were open sounding his horn in rebuke.

I did like wise, even though of course I was not driving, amidst shaking my fist and swearing. I was livid with anger, the bloody cheek. He was in the wrong, what a nerve to blast his horn like that! These days I live in a state of anger... no rage, this was real rage. I went home and pounded the door I was beside myself with rage, not only was it because it was a selfish, ill mannered and irresponsible way to behave that got me so mad but its the reckless way that these morons endanger the lives of others by speeding with no regard for the welfare of other road users; as soon as there were two lanes this brain dead idiot zoomed by blasting his horn. I did not have very nice thoughts about what I would have liked to have done to him. No indeed these where not intrusive thoughts, quite the contrary I welcomed them , invited them even. No I am not interested in anger management, suppressed anger is not healthy and I had a right to be angry. I was not violent I had no opportunity to be so but I sure felt as though I could in the right circumstances. Anger is not a pleasant sensation, rage certainly is not. But venting such strong emotions was all I could do although of course it was not ideal, my husband is always a little shocked although he should be used to this by now and my son gets irritated sometimes, he was in the process of writing his course work for his art class. But I am no saint and cannot always suppress my emotions even though such outbursts can make an existing  headache worse or bring on one. But conversely sometimes giving vent to my feeligns can ease an existing headache but of course I do not know in advance which way it will go.

And after a real stress filled day, not that there is ever a stress free day but some days are more anxiety filled than are others, we watched the survivors hoping for some distraction. But replacing negativity with negativity is not really distraction any more than replacing one anxiety for another. My son did not watch it, too negative he says, although I could not see the difference between it and the US drama Jericho which he watched last year which concerns the struggle for survival after a nuclear attack, but of course I don't particularly fear nuclear war although of course like any other person I would be frightened if one was imminent, but its not part of my OCD anxieties. However the fear of plagues is another matter. Odd isn't it how we do things which on some level we know will not be good for us. And even when the anxiety presented still I did not switch off or leave the room as I do when those awful gruesome violent crimes series are showing. It is as though we possess on some level a wish to sabotage our own well being, not that I can say I have any sense of well being on either an emotional or physical level.

Its rather like the need to buy the latest self help book when you know that in reality there will be nothing much in the content of its pages that is really going to make that much of a difference to your life , so you waste money you don’t have and you feel compelled to read it and even get irritated as you read the well worn regurgitated advice that you practically know by heart and which is offered in reference to both psychical as well as mental health or emotional problems. You just hope don’t you, despite your common sense borne of previous experiences, that just maybe some of these books will have the key to release you from the misery and torment of wherever condition ails you. However I guess unlike the compulsion to expose myself to negativity self help books are at least positive and can make you feel encouraged even if only while you are actually reading them. Although nowadays I actually find them boring, although this may arise from an increase in depression as in recent years fewer and fewer things bring me any pleasure. I have a book from the library right now something about yoga and depression. I know I will not have the wherewithal to practice the exercises or meditate and I have only read a few pages. But I do regret not keeping up my practice of yoga when I was younger, when for a time I took classes and practiced every evening. But I became bored and gradually stopped my practice and the same has happened more recently with Tai Chi which I learnt at weekly classes for a couple of years. Its not easy to be disciplined when you have mental health problems and depression saps motivation but than as the years pass you regret not persevering and you berate yourself for being week minded and fickle but its not easy, in fact nothing is easy when its a continual fight with your mind and body, sometimes just getting up and facing the day is more than enough.


November 24th

I woke this morning it was only 3.30 with my hand numb, painfully numb, rather like the feeling you get when you have slept on your hand or arm and the circulation has been impeded, only worse much worse. This has happened before but a long while ago now. I shake my hand but it’s still numb no matter how much I do so. I manipulate it massaging it but this does nothing to relieve it. I rinse it in hot water, at least I try to do so anxious though that this might not be a good thing, worried about what is happening my mind awash with all sorts of notions and possibilities. Even though I have had this before I am sacred. The water starts out hot than goes tepid, there was problems with the boiler yesterday it took at least ten minutes to get any warm water to shower and it was only luke warm even than, but later in the day it seemed to correct itself so we did not get in anyone to fix. it. The dam boiler is always breaking down, at last three times a year, we have it insured but it is a piece of junk and has never worked well. We should have demanded a replacement as soon as things went wrong which they did long before the guarantee ran out, but we don’t function well with life and somehow we just allowed them to fix it and this apparently takes away your legal right to a replacement.

Really feel so ripped off and its not only as a result of the cowboy tradesmen that we have encountered, another cause of this burning rage which erupts nowadays all too frequently. The repair man is supposed to be coming today but still mid afternoon and no sign of him. I am so stressed because of all the social requirements and I just want to get this ordeal over with. Besides its dam cold, we have left the heating off all day so the repair man can see first hand what is happening with the radiators

In fact It’s been another anxious day sitting round waiting for people to come. We still have the leak in the roof and someone  was to come today but rang up and said he would come when it is actually raining as it is easier to ascertain where the leak is coming from. Overall though things have been better with the roof and the leaks in the computer room and our bedroom seem to have been fixed, if I dare tempt fate by making such a statement. There continues to be water ruining down the wall, this may be due to the time it will take for the roof lagging to dry out, really regret having the loft lagged, must be damp and soggy now due to the leaks. I really do not notice any benefit whatsoever from loft insulation. We do not have a radiator on the stairs so as soon as anyone opens the bedroom, bathroom or sitting room doors all the heat goes up into the cold stairs thus mitigating the usefulness of this lagging . I sometimes wonder if this house will ever be fit to live in, the smell of damp was quite evident downstairs today. Somehow we will have to survive this as we have no more money available to spend on this house.

So its a miserable day. The sun is shinning though I barely notice. We don't have the heating on waiting for the repair man. Besides the water not heating properly, the radiators where hot as though water has been diverted there even though the central heating is not on. This seems to happen for a while after running the water for a shower before cooling down all together. So today we are all sitting in the cold waiting for the repair man, so he can see how the hot water is being redirected to the radiators instead of the taps. He was supposed to come this morning but he has delayed. On enquiry it seems they are really busy with repairs in the city, obviously others have bought equally crappy boilers. There are times when we wished we had kept the old back boiler. This is the first time in my life that we have had a house with central heating and it been nothing but a nightmare. Previously we had individual stand alone gas heaters none of which ever broke down in all the twenty five years we lived at our previous home in Sussex. The central heating is totally inadequate to heat these cold stone rooms it is never really warm until evening and even than if its exceptionally cold it never gets warm until bedtime. We do not of course leave the heating on all night, few people in the UK have ever done this and certainly not nowadays with the extortion perpetrated by the utility companies. Yes extortion is the correct word in this case as they will cut you off if you don't pay your bill. 

On the positive side I have this morning almost completed my new Web Pages: Art as Therapy and Art as Therapy: A Personal perspective which I hope to publish as soon as I can stop
re editing and obsessing .

I do over do it I know, my neck and shoulder hurt like hell as I sit here and my head is aching but when I start writing I have to finish, short of a migraine that is, what I intended to write and as I have said before once I start writing more ideas are generated and my brain and my typing can’t keep pace. Its so frustrating and sometimes I procrastinate for a few days anxious to begin writing because of all the checking and the physical exhaustion which results not to mention the stimulation of new ideas and the compulsion to keep expanding the subject as I am doing now, right now. I have just finished checking the above entries for the forth time at least, and every time I read through something new is added.

My son has this problem and today he has been busy again with his art course work which is supposed to be a thousand words but is at least triple that. As one idea stimulates another which is than expanded what should be a basic article becomes far more comprehensive and complex than required.

I am about to expand this and go off on another tangent but I really must leave it there, at least for now.

The repair man did not come, in the end at 5pm we rang and asked him to come tomorrow instead. So tomorrow we have another dose of the same anxieties.


November 25th

Really finding it difficult to think of anything to write other than all my personal negativity. Its 6,50, cold and still dark. I usually try to wait to turn on the heating until 8 am at the earliest unless the temperature is very cold, but again today we cannot turn on the heating until the repair man comes, although after showering the radiators have warmed up even though the central heating has not been switched on, which is of course is the reason why the repair man is coming. Another day of anxiety waiting for someone to turn up is depressing, demoralising. It seems as though it is one thing after another and I have to say that other than my OCD, migraine and other conditions it is other people that make your life a misery. These days you feel as though you cannot trust anyone and everyone is attempting to exploit you for some advantage usually a financial one or something relating to finances. These days when you buy anything you wonder how long it will last, for most things seem to break down within weeks of the guarantee running out or even before. Every year we have to buy an electric kettle, the previous one breaking down a week or two after the year's guarantee is out.  The electric cooker lasted barely a year before two hot plates ceased to function, at £70 each to replace we now manage with only two hotplates. The washing drier machine has never really functioned, the tumble drier is useless and only dries very thin materials such as nylon and that is when its working. The repair man has been out at least six times. This is the second one of its type, this time when the original broke down about a month after purchase while still under guarantee we demanded a replacement, and we had quite a battle to get it but in time that soon broke down. I feel inclined to return to washing by hand if it ceases to function altogether.  We have had three TV aerials since moving in here, in our old place and at my parents home when I was a child the only time you needed to replace the aerial was when or if it blew down in a storm. A Settee we bought albeit cheap as fallen part after little more than three years.

With the exception of the new found firm of roofers and builders who are okay, we have been ripped off so many times, three times since moving here. In addtion there have been two further attemps but we have become wiser now and no one gets to do any repairs without a written estimate. At our previous home we had quite a battle with unscrupulous builders which I have given account before in my blog, but we got the better of them. We have even had people knocking on the door wanting to cut down a tree telling us it was dangerous.  These people will tell you all sorts of things to get you to take their services and its not just the cowboys either.

I should however  mention one small light in the murk of unscrupulous behaviour when an electrician came to check out the wiring and told us it was fine and needed no attention.  And as I say the roofers we now have, have done a good job, there are still problems but the work they have done has been good as already explained. We still have penetrating damp of course but that is nothing to do with the roof but the porosity of the stone.

Its not only products and services of course it the appalling exploitation of people at work that is so shocking. Too few people to do the jobs required, overworked and underpaid, unless you are some corporate fat cat of course . My husband was treated badly when he was made redundant after twenty four years of working for the same firm. After the firm went into liquidation he got just £50 .

Due to the unfair laws in this country his employer retained his personal wealth, was able to sell the property at a good price and continues to live a very comfortable life, certainly enough to send his children to a private school . My husband became very depressed when the new owners took over about three years before the business went into liquidation and his life was made misery when his hours and time off was cut back. There was no big fat Christmas bonus he was lucky to get a cheap tin of toffees. He has never really recovered from his depression.

I have become as a consequence a very mistrusting person. 

The repair man came , he was late he had had a punctured tyre. Fair enough these things happen and we are understanding of course and believe me many people are not. But a phone call would have helped as we where anxious he was not coming.

We need a new part which will hopefully be here to morrow . I now wonder if there are any parts of that boiler that are original.

November 27th

Finally at nearly 6pm the repair man came to fix the boiler, he replaced the part that was malfunctioning but he said we would need to have the radiators flushed out and this would not be covered by insurance. Well we can't afford it and somehow I am just going to try and forget about this as in any case after a couple of years there won't be any spare parts, I am actually wondering if there in fact will be any gas! Makes you wonder doesn't it that other than unbridled greed the huge hikes in gas and electricity may be a form of rationing, an unfair one of course. A few weeks back if I recall correctly it was announced that the government where intending to build nuclear power stations. Not very green and after all the promotion and energy saving campaigns.

Find the whole situation in this country so depressing you work all your life, your precious life, which is as far as we know the  the only one we have and at the end of your usefulness you have to subsist on a pittance and even than some greedy money grabbing so and so will try and take from you what little you have, and its not only the cowboys as already said, but the greedy corporations, those that already own practically everything.

With one thing and another I feel as though my life is one continual round of misery. Another migraine last night, the second this week and a lousy headache today. The problem mentioned earlier this week did not resolve favourably at all and it is now another misery and worry that is eating away at my mind and I feel so overwhelmed by adversity. Of course there are many in worse circumstances but making such comparisons as I have said before makes my situation worse as I am keenly aware of the extent of suffering that is the lot for everyone, and indeed every creature, and the awareness of such suffering compounds rather than mitigates my own. While compiling my new website I have wept because of the cruelty that man inflicts on other creatures, in particular factory farmed animals. This world notwithstanding all its adversities of disease, unfavourable climatic condtions, natural disasters and ultimately death could be a far better place for all beings including man of course if only people learnt to live in such a way that benefits every creature that lives instead of exploiting animals the environment and each other for personal gain.

"Mans in humanity to man makes thousands mourn" so says the familiar quotation. And I might add man's inhumanity to other animals does like wise

photo art page 22 san francisco

photo art page 23 - san francisco

If anyone has any artwork: paintings, drawings, photography, knitting, sewing, any craft whatsoever, poems stories indeed any literary piece I would be delighted to include them in the gallery.

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