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November 1st
I would like to make some comments about the TV
dramatisation Mysterious Creatures.
This dramatisation concerns the sad account of Bill
and Wendy Ainscow who went to Tenerife not to enjoy a holiday in the sun
but tragically to take a cocktail of drugs and walk into the sea in an
attempt to take their own lives, a previous attempt in a welsh hotel having
failed. This time sadly Bill died but a fishing boat rescued Wendy who
was barely alive. Wendy went on to attempt suicide twice more, the last
time as recently as October 14th just before the showing of the
dramatisation of their tragic stories. In a letter to a newspaper they
describe how they could no longer cope with their daughter Lisa, now
thirty-five, who has Aspergers syndrome and a compulsion to shop,
particularly for shoes of which she had 2,000 pairs and also for cuddly
toys. The TV dramatisation also portrays Lisa has having some obsessive
compulsive behaviours including contamination issues. The parents where
only allowed to enter their own bedroom and the kitchen because of
Lisa’s contamination obsessions. She threatened suicide if her parents
did not finance expensive meals in restaurants, designer cloths, shoes
and so on. For more information click the link below to the Awares website
AWARES - News mysterious creatures
We are a family in a similar
situation although our circumstances are less extreme.
As regular readers to my blog will know I have a son
who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, depression and anxiety.
My husband also suffers with depression and exhibits autistic traits and
may well qualify for a diagnosis of autism himself. I have severe OCD,
depression and I may also be on the autistic spectrum and may even have
Asperger’s syndrome, however at this time there is no official
diagnosis. At the very least I have significant autistic traits. OCD is
of course the main difficulty which besets my life for which I was
diagnosed in the early eighties but from which I have suffered all my
life, closely followed by chronic daily headache, migraine and a number
of undiagnosed symptoms which best fit a diagnosis of fibromyalgia or
somatization disorder. So you can see life is extremely difficult. My
son however does not display the extreme symptoms as did Lisa
nonetheless support from social services would most certainly not come
amiss.
There is I would imagine more to this tragedy and one
cannot rely on such dramatisations to reveal the details of such
situations in their entirety without embellishment or
for that matter omission: there are positive aspects to Asperger's
syndrome despite the fact that only the more negative manifestations of
the condition where shown. The situation was serious, there may
have been factors about which we will probably never know. I cannot
understand why the behaviours of the daughter were never treated when
she was at school. Her problems I believe became noticeable when she was
eight years old. Even when I was a child my odd behaviour concerning
playing with toys was noticed (There were obviously other issues but
this is the only one my mother claimed to have remembered) and I
was referred for psychiatric assessment and social workers were called
in. Moreover my tendency to scream in the street also received medical
attention and this was back in the 1950s when awareness of such problems
was far less apparent. The parents obviously needed help and support
which appears to not have been forthcoming. Moreover I did not care for
the suggestion that their parenting skills were inadequate. No one knows
the situation of the parents, their own mental or physical health. In my
own situation neither my husband or myself would have been able to cope
if our son was too severely effected. Both my husband and I have
difficulties dealing with our own illnesses and although we do our best
to support our son it is by no means easy. Moreover my son would
describe our situation from an entirely different perspective as he
feels he cannot cope with the manifestations of our respective
disorders. He once told his doctor that it was difficult living with us
because : “they are so autistic, and one of
them has OCD and they are always squabbling.”
Recently I went for an assessment with view to CBT. I
had to decline this treatment because the therapist needed to come to my
house for desensitisation therapy. The idea of which is to deliberately
contaminate my home. My son rather like the girl in the dramatisation
also has some minor obsessions and compulsions centred on contamination issues.
Often people with autism and Asperger’s syndrome exhibit these OCD type
symptoms, there are a few who may do so quite significantly and qualify
for a separate diagnosis of OCD. Now my son did not feel he would be
able to cope with this type of therapy as of course he also would be
subjected to the effects of the psychologist contaminating my home.
Therefore I was concerned that if I had this treatment my son’s OCD /
OCD traits would escalate as a result, as often happens if such is
forced upon you before you are ready. No further treatment was offered
although I was told that as soon as I felt more motivated that on
request I would once again be offered an assessment with view to CBT by
a psychologist. There was no offer of support for us as a family. I was
referred to a counsellor for seven sessions and although this gave me
opportunity to discuss issues over a recent bereavement these sessions
did little to alleviate our situation. I knew this, as also did my
doctor who again offered to refer me to see a psychologist. To be fair I
have never approached my doctor or psychiatrist to specifically request
help for all of us as a family, although previously some years ago when
living in the south east I recall asking my GP for family therapy and
was told nothing of this kind was available on the NHS.
The situation at the time of writing is: I am about
ask my GP for a referral to return to the psychiatrist to try medication
although I am not happy to take medication as I am anxious that it could
make my migraine and headaches worse as in the past this appeared to be
the case when taking Prozac. However my depression and ability to cope
with my OCD has diminished so much I really need to at least try
medication again. I may ask my psychiatrist once again to consider an
assessment for Asperger’s or other autistic spectrum disorder but doubt
that he will agree, as was the case previously. Concerning my son he
does have regular visits with his GP and takes medication, which has
helped his depression however his Asperger’s symptoms actually seem much
more pronounced. We have no help from social services, but we have not
requested any. I think many people slip through the net. If you are
quiet and unassuming, make little fuss, cannot communicate effectively
either your needs or your problems, find it difficult to show your
emotions you will not get any help. This is the case for my family and
I. It is no one’s fault, at least no particular person, it is the way
the system is, a system that is in any case overloaded and under
enormous pressure. There is simply not the time for a doctor or other
health professional to sort out such complex problems: For instance I
can communicate my problems better in writing. Sitting in the doctor’s
surgery I cannot think fast enough to relate my problems effectively, I
cannot articulate well enough to explain my situation. I am usually
extremely stressed experiencing difficulty swallowing and needing to
urinate because of the severity of my anxiety and I am often beset with
OCD intrusive thoughts that have an effect on how I communicate with my
doctor. The same occurs with the psychologist although there is of
course more time which alleviates the pressure of trying to explain my
situation in five or ten minutes, not that I have ever been rushed out
of my doctors office. However neither the doctor nor the psychologist has
time to read what I have written. I imagine that time and resources are
the greatest problem with providing sufficient care for anyone who is in
any way disabled or moreover to provide support that carers need
particularly if the carers are themselves in need of care and support.
The system of course needs to changed but in the foreseeable future this
is unlikely. However, it needs to be said that compared to many
countries ... Well I wonder how many countries have a bettor
system than ours or any welfare system at all? Nonetheless there is room
for improvement and in cases like the Aincow's considerable improvement.
Concerning
the case of the Ainscow family I cannot understand how a man and a women
who try to commit suicide in a welsh hotel can so easily be overlooked,
such seems gross negligence. But there again we do not know all the
facts and can make no judgement. There is so obviously a lot of pain for
all concerned, the despair and hopelessness on behalf of the parents
must have been profound for them to even contemplate suicide. I was
annoyed that the parents where blamed, it is all to easy to blame the
parents. I know only too well what that is like as some years ago now a
CPN told me that my son was experiencing problems because he had learnt
them from me. Yes his problem in an hereditary sense results from my
being his mother because I have passed on the genes to him for both OCD
and autism and that is my only contribution. I did my best under very
difficult circumstances to make life as normal for my son as was
possible but being dysfunctional myself and left pretty much to my own
devices this was not easy. My husband likewise did his best in a
difficult situation during my mid thirties when I was at home all day
incapacitated by severe OCD while he had no choice but to work long
hours in a local factory. And I imagine it is much the same for
everyone. Bill and Wendy were obviously caring parents who cared for
their daughter in the only way they knew how. It is not easy coping with
a child or adult who has this sort of problem when you yourself are not
functioning or coping with life. And of course anyone even a normal
well-balanced person after years of managing unsupported would of course
be ill themselves from the effects of the strain this type of situation
imposes.
Often parents make decisions and take actions that to others
seem inappropriate and the wrong decision and after the fact these
decisions give rise to criticism. My husband and I made many bad
decisions which have severely effected the future of our son and indeed
our own well-being. One of them was moving away from our home in the
South East, a drastic change, a change which is not conducive to the
well-being of people on the autistic spectrum who have great difficulty
with even minor changes in routine. However I should point out that my
son had at this time had not received a diagnosis for Asperser's syndrome.
In retrospect we, or it was mostly me rather than my husband, made the
decision under considerable stressful circumstances: my husband having
been made redundant and the cost of living in the South East and various
other factors less logical, such as the notion we would fit in and find
social interaction less difficult than it appeared to be in the south
east. And moreover, we liked the scenery... Yes believe it or not that
was one of the rather immature reasons for moving. Before we moved my
son had a job with the civil service and although he was having problems
he was coping quite well. He has not had a job since moving here and is
now unable to work because his depression and anxiety along with of
course his Aspergers syndrome has made it impossible for him to do so.
No doubt if our situation became as severe as the Ainscows we would no
doubt be blamed. I think parents blame themselves enough without others
doing so, I know I did and continue to do.
My son is not as severely effected as Lisa but he too
has his problems, like Lisa he has eating fads bordering on an eating
disorder, a real nightmare when shopping and cooking and sometimes I am
too tired and ill to do much about this and I therefore tend to give in
to pressure. He like Lisa has his shopping compulsions borne of his
perserverations, the keen intense interests which all autistics have. My
son’s interests right now are pre-Columbian and medieval history. He
will trawl the internet looking for books and other paraphernalia relating to
these perserverations (obsessions) and the like. He has never run up huge
bills and we paid off one small debt before moving here about four years
ago and he can now no longer have credit. But he does pester for us to
buy this or that and at times it can be trying for indeed concerning
myself a similar compulsion lies just beneath the surface which is
resisted by myself but only with considerable effort. He seems not to
understand that our situation financially is pretty grim and takes no
thought for the future implications of compulsive spending on our
collective situation. He has collections of all sorts of things, his
bedroom is a claustrophobic clutter of all manner of curiosities
relating to his diversity of interests which have changed over the
years. At the moment in addition to the pre-Columbian/medieval interests
he collects books obtained quite cheaply on Amazon’s new and old. Little
if anything is thrown away and yes in time problems may arise as this
hoarding /collecting is a problem for all of us. Like Lisa I have a
compulsion to buy cuddly toys, mainly sheep, I often wonder what the
window man thinks when he comes to clean the windows and see all these
stuffed toys everywhere, yet there is no child. He can be stubborn and
never admits he is wrong, he can appear rather egocentric. Social
interaction problems blight his life and deny him the pleasure of a good
friend or a relationship.
It is also not easy to watch your son go through life
alone. My son has no friends and cannot be encouraged to try to find any
and he is unable to work. His perservorations seem at this time more
intensive, more pervasive and consuming and are becoming at times a
significant distraction from cultivating his artistic abilities from
which one day if his condition improves he may need to support
himself. However concerning artwork depression of course plays a
significant part in thwarting his motivation and his innate creativity.
Depression often accompanies Aspergers syndrome as does anxiety. It is
not easy to see a talent such as my son’s going to waste.
Our circumstances are nothing
like that experienced by this unfortunate family in the documentary, yet
life is not easy. And when you have done your best it is than difficult
when your son seems unaware of your own personal pain both physical and
mental. For instance whilst he natters on about this or that totally
oblivious that you have a thumping headache. There are of course
conflicts and his OCD tendencies can clash with mine and he fails often
to understand my obsessions and compulsions if they are different to
his. He fails to understand the severity of my OCD and how pervasive it
is. He does see us as providers and does not see any incongruity with
this and the fact he is an adult.
But other than that he is a good son and I would not
change him for the world. He is very intelligent he has had many
interests all of which although obscure by normal considerations are
fascinating and he can relate to you in great detail information
concerning his interests. He has a sense of humour all of his own and
although often it is at our expense he does brighten up our day and
brings a smile to our faces.
There is more to people with autism
than the so called lack of “social skills” or “inappropriate behaviour.”
Bear in mind sometimes that abnormalities are considered as such if they
are inappropriate by consensus. I cannot give you the reference but I
have read of a native American tribe who where somewhat puzzled by the
white man’s need to talk about nothing of any importance, apparently
their custom was to only speak to others when the need to do so arose.
People engaging in superficial talk were according to their perspective
not normal. And quite frankly I tend for the most part to agree with
this point of view. Endless babble of conversation, sadly mostly these
days self centred, drives me just crazy! However so called inappropriate
conversation may also manifest in quite the opposite way and instead of
a quiet shy person the Aspie
(An affectionate term for anyone with Asperger's syndrome) engages in exhaustive conversations centred
on his or her intense interests. But what is so wrong with that? Nothing
as far as I can see and sometimes all that is required is tolerance and
understanding and the patience to listen to a child or adult who wishes
to talk about something of which you may not have an interest even if it
is about transport and other obscure topics which seem popular
perserverations with many people on that autistic spectrum. Why is it
normal to have conversations about your friends and relatives, think
about it, most people you know will tell you all about their friends and
relatives and expect you to remember all the names and details and this
type of conversation is normal! It drives me just crazy. Small talk for
an entire conversation also drives me nuts, I
cannot engage in small talk. Don’t you find that it is difficult for
people these days to take an interest in another particularly if he or
she is not interested in the topic of conversation or the other persons
interest. Often you are interrupted quite abruptly or people tend to
avoid you or take a heated conversation personally when all you are
doing is airing your opinion concerning a sensitive issue. My next door
neighbour used to take my political ramblings as a personal attack. A
fictional scenario in David Attwood’s book: A complete Guide to
Aspergers syndrome describes a situation of the mother of a child who
has invited an Aspie friend to her party. The Aspie child arrives and talks
non-stop about his interest in batteries, the mother begins to get
restless and impatient after the child has talked non stop for about ten
minutes. Consider the woman's attitude , now is that not rude and anti social? A person with Aspergers
or other type of autism will probably not notice the women's boredom
nonetheless surely it is curtsey to listen to anyone regardless as to
whether or not the topic of conversation is of interest. After all any
subject of which you have no interest will appear tedious even if it is
of popular interest such as football. Notwithstanding this surely the
right thing to do is to just simply listen to another and not label him
or her as odd, exocentric or dysfunctional because they think
differently, have different interests. I am sure I would much prefer to
hear a child talk about his battery collection than have someone waffle
on for hours about Uncle Tom Cobbly and all. If you ask me few people
have any social skills.
I think that both parents where
very courageous and they loved their daughter and did their best against
all odds and it is time now that both mother and daughter where given
the help and support they need.
I have always been of the opinion that I would have
had a fuller life had there been some on going support. Moreover as a
consequence I would be in a better position to support my son and
husband. Yes I had quite a number of therapy opportunities and I made
some recovery yet there was no follow up. Often once the therapy has
been of use in mitigating symptoms for the person with OCD it is than
all a matter of encouragement and support to keep the sufferer well, and
this is where society fails. I do not blame any particular doctor, quite
the contrary I think that most doctors do well considering the
overwhelming caseloads with which they contend. Neither do I blame
social or mental health workers and so on, rather it is the system which
is to blame as there appears to be no real facility to offer adequate
ongoing support in such circumstances. Instead of cutting back on such
the government should spend more money helping to alleviate the
appalling suffering in our society. There are many people within society
that could be self supporting contributors, who could lead happy and
satisfied lives but who can only do so with support and encouragement,
which sadly is not forthcoming.
I did try to get some help for my son when he was
about fourteen as I was becoming concerned about his depression. A CPN
came to talk to him but he denied there was problem and in fact denied
it so well they considered that he was not in any need of help. So it is
not easy for parents or mental health professionals to ascertain the
real needs in any situation unless the situation becomes extreme.
Moreover since services have been farmed out to the private sector as
for instance home helps for the elderly there is little coordination or
co-operation at least that is the way it appeared to me concerning mybrother-in-law's situation which I may discuss another time.
People who are on the autistic spectrum
and those of us with mental health issues do have much to offer, however
for the most part we do need outside support and encouragement. I think
that often the situation rises that needs go unnoticed when symptoms are
less obviously severe, at least less overtly so when people with high
functioning autism and Aspergers may be seen as able to cope as opposed
to the more severely effected autistic child or adult who is mute,
uncommunicative withdrawn and has more pronounced and unmanageable
behaviour difficulties. Autism is a baffling and diverse condition and
many people understand only the child who sits in a corner and speaks to
no one or the autistic savant such as portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in the
Rain man. But autism is a continuum, there are various shades,
manifestations and degrees. An Aspie may seem intelligent, have
comprehensive knowledge of his or her keen interests, some are
articulate and have an incredible memory but he or she may not be able
to cope with normal day to day living unsupported. Many people receive
no such support and this is most likely the case even concerning those
classified as less functional as described above.
Often such support is not easy
for parents to provide, parents are not always the right persons for
this. Moreover of course they do not have either the resources or the
expertise and as I have already mentioned may themselves be suffering
from health problems even it if is as a consequence of the stress which
results from caring for any person with a disability.
My son has quite a talent for art, many people on the
autistic spectrum have talents most often in mathematics, computers,
music and art. These abilities should be encouraged and utilized so the
person with Aspergers/autism could than live a more independent and most
importantly satisfying life. However it is often the case that this
never happens, such support is not available and often families are left
struggling alone. Now as everyone knows even in normal situations most
children even as adults do not take notice of advice or support offered
by parents even when the parents are in a position to give such advice
and support. In many cases concerning mental health problems and autism
the parents themselves may be suffering from these conditions
: Autism appears to be genetic or at least the predisposition
does and it appears to me that there is a connection between autism and
OCD, quite often in the family of a person on the autistic spectrum
there will be a relation with OCD. It is estimated that there is a 46%
chance that one or both of the parents of a person diagnosed with
Aspergers syndrome will have at least significant traits of Autism to a
degree that interventions and strategies for the treatment of the less
desirable aspects of the condition could well be of benefit.
Recently I tried looking for support for my son for
him to find a place to paint, a studio. When we first came to live in
the northeast whilst surfing the net I came across a facility for
artists with a mental health problem which provided free studio space.
At the time my son was not keen on the idea, he never is when it comes
to any kind of social interaction and also we had only just arrived here
and we were coping with the trauma of adapting to our new environment. A
few weeks ago I came across the website of an organisation that provided
studio space and mentoring for people who have recently came out of a
psychiatric hospital. However this is the only facility I can find in
the entire region and as he has not been a hospital patient and the
distance is too great it is not suitable. Aspergers and other kinds of
autism are not mental illness but most people with Aspergers and other
forms of autism have mental health problems but there is little if
anything available with the exception of drop ins. Although these offer
a valuable service within the community they do not offer the level of
facilities or encouragement to help sufferers of mental health problems
and other conditions such as autism to make the most of whatever talents
or abilities that they have. And again you have to put yourself forward
for this kind of help. For many people with autism this is not possible,
often it is not possible for the parent’s particularly of an adult
to encourage their son or daughter to do so.
There are voluntary organisations but again you have
to put yourself forward in the case of an adult autistic much
encouragement may be required and often like any other son or daughter
encouragement from parents is less effective than encouragement offered
from elsewhere. The autistic society offer a good range of help
including an help line and local social groups for adult high
functioning autistics and Aspergers which meet once each month. My son
has attended three or four of these meetings and went with the group on
a day trip to York, but for the last three months for one thing and
another he has missed these meetings. It is no easy matter to try to
persuade him to contact the group’s organiser, he did not receive
notification of the groups meeting place this month and he will not
telephone to make an enquiry as telephoning is problematic for many
people with Aspergers syndrome. Nether does he like me interfering and
telephoning. I myself have difficulty telephoning as those of you who
have read my blog will know so it is no easy matter to try and encourage
someone to do something which you yourself hesitate to do although I
will make phone calls when it is absolutely necessary to do so. It is
not easy for parents to provide the support needed, it can be
frustrating, exasperating particularly when you are not well yourself.
Both I and my son have a
befriender. This was arranged for me by the last CPN that I saw a couple
of years ago and was meant to provide me with someone to talk with as
they now could not go on indefinitely providing me with a CPN. My son
sees a befriender provided by the autistic society. These befrienders
are voluntary workers they have no formal training although I believe
some basic training is given although my son is lucky that his
befriender has a degree in psychology. He gets on well with this person
with whom he shares many interests and because of this his social
communication problems are less difficult and he enjoys his weekly
meetings for coffee, a chat and the occasional shopping trip or visit to
the cinema. My befriender is a friendly most pleasant chatty lady, she
did invite me to go out for a coffee, shopping and so on but I can’t to
go out with anyone other than my husband for reasons discussed in other
entries. So we sit and chat and that is about it. Befrienders do serve a
purpose but most do not have the necessary skills to provide support and
I hardly ever mention my problems and we just sit and chat my befriender
doing most of the talking. So I guess this provides a small respite for
both my son and I and gives an opportunity for normal interaction with
another person, although of course your definition of normal might not
be the same as that of the general consensus.
An ideal situation in the case of someone like my son
or indeed for anyone with a mental health problem is to have a fully
trained mentor, a person whose task it would be to encourage people such
as my son to make the most of their lives and to provide support for the
family. Yes I know... what is that expression... In your dreams
Concerning the dramatisation it appears that only the
negative aspects of Lisa’s Asperger syndrome were portrayed. Few if any
of the mitigating circumstances behind her behaviours were included for
instance it should be understood that many people with autism live in a
constant state of dread with pervasive anxiety, this did not appear to
be portrayed in the film.
Often
behind the tantrums, the preservations, compulsions, obsessions and
other so called inappropriate behaviours there is a very special person
who may have a gift or ability, who is often intelligent, who has an
interest which if exploited may well be facilitated to provide him or
her with not only employment but which also may be of benefit society.
There are a number of successful people who are autistic but sadly only
about 8 percent of people on the autistic spectrum are employed or reach
their full potential. It is amazing what people can achieve if
encouraged to do so by others. And this of course this true for everyone
to some extent. No man is an island we are all interdependent to some
degree. Once a doctor said to me that in the end I have to overcome my
difficulties alone and that that is the case for all people. I cannot
agree with this notion albeit well meaning. No one is totally
independent of another we all depend on others. For instance a doctor
cannot get a degree without the aid of a university, books, lecturers,
finances and other supports. The difference with people with
disabilities, particularly autism and mental health issues is that we do
need extra support and encouragement from society. It is not only the
sufferers and their families who miss out it is society. How many
Einstein's, Mozart’s and Van Gogh’s, just three who are
suspected as having had Aspergers / autism have we missed out on. I
wonder how Van Gogh who most certainly had manic depression/bipolar
disorder would have managed without the help of Theo his brother who
offered him both financial and moral support.
There is a positive side to Autism. Visit the websites
of the following people for a more balanced perspective.
The
Stephen Wiltshire Gallery - Drawings, paintings and prints
URVILLE
Donna Williams: Front Page.
AWARES Conference Centre :: Papers creativity
Yes there is an irrational inappropriate side to
autism and with significant traits I have my moments including, temper
tantrums for silly things such as not getting the lid off the shampoo.
Making loud angry comments in the supermarket because the item I want
has been moved and other so called inappropriate behaviours. I have
learned to curb such outbursts and do not aim them at anyone in
particular at least not in public although such outburst does effect my
family.
My son however who has an official diagnosis rarely
has tantrums and if you where to meet him you would probably not
recognise him as an Aspie; he may seem perhaps a little shy; he might
find it difficult to engage in small talk; he may seem depressed
perhaps or anxious. He may appear somewhat aloof, he may not respond
when you speak to him his attention is focused elsewhere. When he
is at home and he is absorbed in his perserverations he may appear to be
deaf or rude but he is simply intensely occupied and does not hear you.
Alongside what may be considered as
deficiencies there are often simultaneous benefits arising from the more
positive aspects of autism/ Aspergers syndrome. People on the autistic
spectrum exhibit a propensity for being able to focus intensely and to
sustain such intensity for long periods of time, although this may
sometimes be seen as a disadvantage if for instance the autistic person
is preoccupied with for example computer games at the expensive of all
else. However this propensity can have a more positive side if the focus
is directed in a productive way. Not that there is of course anything
wrong with intense focus on a computer game but of course such begins to
be a problem if time is not directed towards less interesting but
essential daily tasks such as working or going to school and so on. Many
people on the autistic spectrum have an enhanced ability to learn
however this may only occur with subjects in which they are interested.
In a learning situation where their behaviours are understood, the
teachers are supportive and encouraging many autistics can accomplish
much. Many autistic people have a social conscience and are involved in
righting social injustice. It is a characteristic of people with autism
to never tell a lie; they are totally honest, never deceitful or
devious. Sometimes their blatant honesty may be seen as inappropriate
when they tend to say what they think but most in any case learn
appropriate social skills to prevent what may seem an insensitive albeit
honest remark despite difficulties to pick up social cues. People with
autism are analytical, methodical, precise and do well in professions
where such abilities are required, for instance scientists, architects
engineers. Many excel at languages, mathematics, music and art. When
involved in employment or vocations of which they are interested they
are hard and reliable workers. Many excel in professions where exacting
detail is required.
It is not easy to judge any
situation and to do so from a TV programme is
well... inappropriate.
I
think the Ainscow family where rather neglected. Moreover the callous
behaviour towards Lisa and the lack of understanding for a person who
cannot bear to be touched, a problem effecting people with
autism/Aspergers syndrome, when Lisa was forcible detained and dragged
into an ambulance for committal under the mental health act was an
outrage, a compassionless act indicating how little understanding there
is for people with this sort of problem.
Furthermore I think the
fact that these people lost their home was an appalling social
injustice. Mr Ainscow had stolen money from where he worked and also run
up a debt because of the situation with this daughter. For this he received a
custodial sentence of 18 months and had to pay back the money he stole
and owed. The mitigating circumstances surrounding this misdemeanour seemed not to be
taken into account. To my thinking this is a gross social injustice,
there was no compassion, no consideration of the enormous stress that
these people where under which induced this otherwise law abiding
citizen to carry out this, in my opinion, minor offence. Neither the
sentence nor the requirement to pay back the debt showed the least
digress of compassion and compounded an already difficult situation for
people whom society had already turned its back on.
The
programme did not include the reasons concerning the
behaviours of either the Parents or Lisa; it did not
take into account the struggles that people with
Aspergers and other forms of autism contend with or the
reasons why the parents took the course of action they
did. The programme however highlights the need for
services to improve, the need for early intervention
before such situations become critical, otherwise there
will be many more tragedies of this nature. And do not
lets forget that autism can be far more of a problem for
a family whose child is uncommunicative, mute and
withdrawn with more pronounced behavioural problems.
Aspergers syndrome is seen as high functioning autism
there are many families struggling with children and
adults with more severe manifestations. From my own
experience help and services are only available when the
situation becomes critical, it seems to be all about
damage control rather than prevention
I sincerely send my heartfelt wishes for both the
mother and daughter and hope that their circumstances improve and that
each can find some happiness.
November 6th
We should be taught not
to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates
inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
Frank
Tibolt
I really feel as though I have some sort of writer’s
block and if I do not just sit here and start writing I don’t think I
ever will - at least for a long time. Since my last update I have wrote
one entry that I feel is suitable for uploading to my website and
another very long rambling and very repetitive, uncoordinated, mistake
ridden entry which try as I might I cannot get right to my satisfaction.
It is as though the words just do not come at least in a clear and
concise manner.
I of course have had this happen many times since the
creation of my website but right now it is particularly problematic.
Sometimes there is a complete block when I can think of nothing and than
conversely my writing and ideas seem to flow much more easily in fact
they pour in rather than flow but sadly not all are suitable for me to
publish. Over the last week or so however I can’t think of much of
anything having concentrated my time on the aforementioned rather long
entry which if I do publish will seem a little like old news now.
One of the problem is that my motivation has waned
somewhat due to depression and increases in my difficult life. This week
I had two migraines on two consecutive nights, last night I had episodes
of chocking fits in the night and this morning the burden of my
depression is just awful and I had to drag myself out of bed. Yes it was
only 4.50 AM but I had been laying there for some time, depressing
thoughts crowding my mind, a heaviness of heart as tangible as the
headache that presented each time I woke throughout the disturbed night.
I have mentioned previously many of my problems
concerning my writing and how and why it takes so long and how it has
evolved from a satisfactory pursuit to one riddled with anxiety. My
writing has given rise to a whole new set of obsessive-compulsive
behaviours and anxieties. Yes there is still some satisfaction derived
from my writing at least in the first instance after the first draft has
been completed. Than I start checking and more and more negative ideas
present why I should not publish this or that entry, intrusive thoughts
telling me that harm may result as a consequence of something I have
written. Moreover the more I check the more I write as doubts present
that I have not explained myself properly which means even more detail
is added often to an excess of detail which seems for me a natural
tendency even before all the OCD torment has its say. Than there is the
problem with my propensity to make mistakes, missing out letters, whole
words, reversing letters, particularly acronyms and moreover not
noticing this perhaps for weeks even years. And this is not only words
there is a photo which is upside down, one that I had published well
over a year, maybe two years ago.
I may have some mild form of dyslexia. Yes of course I
can read and write fluently albeit not concisely and inaccurately but I
can’t spell and would not be able to write anything as complex or as
public as my writings for my website and blog if it where not for spell
checkers. Interesting though and I do not know if this is a dyslexic
tendency but obscure words such as foreign non western ,or sometimes
even western names not in general use, I do not bother to pronounce when
reading, but rather I see them as a picture. In other words I recognise
the form the word takes rather than struggle with an unfamiliar
pronunciation. For instance I am interested in Tibet, its culture and
religion, some of the names of the deities have several syllables. Often
it is quite a task while reading to pronounce these unfamiliar words
even mentally with the ease that you would pronounce Michael or Paul
almost without trying it is so automatic. Instead I make a mental
picture I recognise the word and have an associated mental image if this
is appropriate in my minds eye. Whether this is simply laziness or a
dyslexic thing I do not know. I do not tend to do this so much with
complex multi syllable scientific words which are derived from Latin, as
these seem easier to pronounce more natural. In fact concerning words of
more western origin it is often easier to spell longer multi-syllabic
words rather than shorter ones particularly words that are not
pronounced phonetically. What is really odd while reading books or
indeed much of what is on the net I do not notice the American
spellings? Indeed in a way it does seem particular that one can read
perfectly, if I take into consideration the idiosyncratic way I read
obscure multi-syllabic words into consideration, yet when it comes to
spelling there is a significant stubbing block.
Despite the description of me at
age eight in a letter from a psychiatrist to my GP describing me as a
precocious child with an adult manner I had, although I can’t recall,
difficulty reading and that I was apparently frustrated by this
situation. The tendency to miss out words, reverse letters is a dyslexic
symptom. Making mistakes is due perhaps to ADD I would imagine. Yes I
know you are thinking perhaps that this woman considers she has
everything. Yes I do... well not everything but many other disorders and
conditions compound my OCD and depression, either significant traits of
these disorders and conditions or a full diagnosis. OCD and depression
are however the only conditions of which I have a formal diagnosis and
are the only conditions where there is absolutely no doubt that I suffer
quite severely with both of these maladies.
I am reading a book mentioned earlier by David Atwood:
A Complete Guild to Aspergers syndrome. Although I have only as of yet
read a few pages it is already quite illuminating and has already
confirmed for me my suspicions that OCD and Asperger’s indeed other type
of autism have a connection with OCD. Moreover it is at last 46% likely
that a first degree relative of someone with Aspergers syndrome will
have significant traits, even if those traits are not sufficient for a
formal diagnosis these traits are nonetheless significant and the person
concerned would benefit from the same treatment strategies which help
people with a full diagnosis of Aspergers. So I know I have at least
traits and significant traits of Aspergers syndrome/ autism. Also of
interest is the fact that many autistics present with OCD. tourettes
syndrome, ADD, dyslexia to name just a few. So you see it is not by any
means cut and dry, there are many overlaps, degrees of severity and each
condition or traits of each condition intermingle to form an
often-unique complexity. We are very complicated and diverse beings
indeed. My psychologist said there were many overlaps, boundaries were
blurred. But all additional conditions whether traits or full-blown
effect my OCD and it is my belief that this is the reason that for me
personally my OCD is intractable. My life is extremely difficult and
somehow in order to make something of my life I have to recognise and
know what is going on. And this most certainly applies to my writing
concerning all the worrying obsessing and checking that is my OCD. But I
must recognise that I can check, check, check and check some more and I
will still never have the perfect piece of fluent writing accurately
concise, correctly spelt, (even with the spell checker mistakes are made
and I do not always easily recognise them) grammatically correct and
without mistakes of any kind. Often I compare myself to others with OCD
who write for internet blogs, websites and so on and I noticed that few
make mistakes at least not to the extent that I do. But perhaps they do
not have mild dyslexia, ADD, Asperger’s and so on. Concerning such
mistakes I have to recognise my writing will never be perfect. Moreover
lately I have made all kinds of huge mistakes. Yesterday I was horrified
when looking over my website on-line to find I have entered an incorrect
e-mail address had linked to a page that is under construction so was
not meant to have been linked to in the first place let alone uploaded
to the server and available on the net. The links in my new hyper linked
version of my book where not working, a link in my blog roll to another
blogger was not correct it had a link to a particular entry rather than
to the home page and the most current entry, it had been like this for
months and only today did I realise this. There were many other but
perhaps less noticeable mistakes. I was horrified and there followed a
stress filled hour or so of exhaustion trying to rectify these mistakes.
November 8th
Today I am greeted by a typical dull overcast morning
and I am surprised, my heart sinks as I look out of the kitchen window
to this dull cold miserable day. It is amazing is it not just how
quickly we get used to something, how it is so easy to expect a
situation that has occurred over a relatively small number of days to
continue. With a few exceptions most days this autumn have been sunny
and relatively mild. The mild temperatures have been the warmest on
record and for the most part there has been some sunshine. And for the
last few days this had been particularly so. So this morning it is a
shock and immediately as I become aware of this situation it has a
detrimental effect on my mood. It is 7.20 I have been awake for two and
a half hours and so absorbed in my work on the computer I have failed to
noticed neither the lateness of the hour now before it begins to get
light nor the overcast gloomy weather but now as may attention has been
drawn to this my mood has been adversely effected. I think the weather
has a profound effect on everyone not only those of us who suffer with
mental health problems but of course for us we are perhaps more severely
affected by the weather and we are less able to shake off the negativity
that is precipitated by the mere sight of a dull day. Not only does the
dull and cold miserable weather make you more depressed it can effect
the way that you handle your stress and if you are expecting a
particularly stressful day your ability to cope with whatever it is you
are anticipating and need to cope with is negatively effected. Most
definitely my ability to cope with my OCD is effected by the winter
dullness and short days. My most severe OCD crisis occurred during the
winter months and I can recall how the dark cold misery of winter spent
in a poorly lit damp house added to my difficulties.
I imagine that last year I complained about the same
thing we all do regardless as to whether we have depression or anxiety
or whatever.
We are approaching bleak mid winter an apt description
for the short miserable light starved days that are inexorably
approaching and this will last three or four months before there are any
signs of spring but somehow we have to cope with it. Here we get about
eight hours of daylight but by the middle of the afternoon it is
twilight, any brightness from the sun shinning on a clear day will
diminish soon after three o clock. On a dull day accentuated by cloud
cover this is even worse and darkness appears to descend earlier and
most of us hate it. I try to take advantage of the daylight hours and
try to see the shorter days as an opportunity to get on with things in
my home and to try and feel less pressured to be out and about. I try to
appreciate this as a less harried time, although of course if we do wish
to go out we do need to start out earlier to make a trip of any distance
worth while before it gets dark and of course this induces stress and
anxiety.
The following is a link to The Seasonal affective
Disorder Association.
The Seasonal
Affective Disorder Association
SAD is the result of a biochemical imbalance of the
hypothalamus due to short daylight hours and lack of sunshine during
winter.
However it may not be that you have SAD as such but
rather you have a psychological response or simply an aversion to the dull
dampness and misery of gloomy winter days.
The following link there are suggestions that may be
useful even if you do not specially suffer from SAD but nonetheless are
affected by the dark dull days of winter.
Tips to Reduce or Prevent SAD Symptoms
November 9th
"Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
is one of the worst mental disorders out there because of the way it
manifests itself; a living nightmare. OCD attacks the patient daily,
minute after minute with intrusive thoughts and distorted thinking that
cause great distress to the patient, making them feel like they are
going crazy and that there is nothing they can do".
I found this very interesting blog this
morning, the description of OCD above is just so accurate and insightful
and the video clip is so moving, it is a good insight into the
unhappiness of OCD. To read the full entry and view the video click the
link below.
Depression, Anxiety, Stress Self Help.
November 10th
My depression seems to fluctuate
sometimes for reasons I cannot fathom particularly the kind of
depression that is experienced first thing in the morning, the heavy
feeling bearing me down almost like a sickness. There are also
escalations in my depressive mood the course of which is easily
recognised with a particular thought or occurrence either of
significance or of a trivial nature. Today I awoke with the awful
feeling of depression which was quite profound. Maybe it is an automatic
response that begins even before I am awake. Some days I dread more than
others either because of outside circumstances such as for instance
today and yesterday having to have my boiler repaired, or having to cope
with an appointment or other unavoidable commitment. Some days are more
problematic because of depressing thoughts of a particular persistent
and adhesive nature, thoughts that haunt me barely before waking.
I feel so restricted by my OCD,
more so lately. Its pervasive nature which has taken away my life is
really taking a tight hold on my activates on the computer and this
website. I woke this morning with a certain dread, the thought of trying
to get entries for my blog ready to publish filled me with despair. One
particular entry is really a trail of misery, of checking, ruminating,
doubting and procrastination. I have read it over and over until I am
sick of it and still there are doubts, fears of causing harm and now as
I write this more intrusive thoughts beset me, thoughts which I am too
afraid to share with you, thoughts which are inhibiting, crippling my
endeavour to tell you about the misery that is OCD. If you are a
sufferer you will of course know the misery that is OCD. It is that
on-going struggle to do just about anything without OCD rearing its ugly
head, it is that continual struggle to live a normal life, to save your
soul so to speak from the enslavement of OCD. The more you give in the
bigger it gets, the more pervasive, the more encroaching until you have
nothing left.
The last couple of days the hand towel in the bathroom
has been soaking wet by the end of the day because of the numerous times
I have washed my hands. Towards the end of the day I simply waved my
hands in the air to dry them. I grow so weary of it all, all the
anxiety, the fear. The other day there was no hot water, you cannot
believe the anxiety it was so great, I would have had to take a cold
shower despite it being winter and having a headache than have to go
without washing. We managed too fix it than again yesterday the boiler
malfunctioned again this time no hot water and now no central heating.
Fortunately I had had a shower, well two in fact
before it broke down. The repairman came to fix it late in the
afternoon. I hid upstairs; I never greeted this person not even to say
hello. Other than people I know well and that is now only my befriender
I avoid association with anyone where I will have to make conversation.
My social interaction problems have become so severe that I have no
contact with anyone other than with this person and of course my husband
and son. And moreover yesterday I felt I had inadvertently upset her
when I suggested that her son might have Aspergers syndrome because from
how she describes him he appears so similar to my son. So now today I
ruminate about this possibilty particularly as my son seemed shocked
that I had suggested such a thing.
I felt really guilty ignoring the
repairman, it was so impolite and today I will at least try just to say
hi or as they say here in the northeast hiya. Yes he has to come back
today to fit a new part. He did get the boiler working but it needs this
part to continue working. I can’t imagine how I would cope without hot
water. It is 6.55 it is still dark and the thought of all the anxiety
involved really makes my heart sink and I wonder that when I have to go
and take a shower if there will be any hot water.
November 11th
Is there any animal which is left alone
and unmolested by the human race? Apparently not. You might not believe
this and if you did not have access to a computer and the internet you
would probably not know of this shocking situation. The Japanese are
about to kill 20,000 dolphins, porpoises and whales. If you are as
appalled and as shocked as I am please take time to write and send your
comments to the Japanese Embassy. Click this link where you will find an
e-mail form for you to complete and a template message which may be
edited if you wish and which will be
sent to the Japanese Embassy
northamerica.oceana.org: Action Center
November 12th
I came across this very positive
website well worth a visit for a more inspiring and positive perspective
of life.
Quote-A-Day: Daily Good News From CharityFocus.org
I signed up for the daily quotation,
subscribers receive a link to a positive article each day
and a quotation or positive thought.
November 14th
It was one of those
perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than
in life.
P.D.
James
Yes indeed the sunshine even on an day
in autumn does so much to lift ones mood or should I perhaps say a sunny
day makes one feel less depressed. Although of course the last statement
is less positive than the first it is more the way I feel. It is rather
like the glass is half full opposed to the glass is half empty and of
course I being of an hypernegative nature always say my glass is
completely empty. Yes I am indeed a negative person but it would be
difficult would it not for someone with the health problems I have to be
positive.
Nonetheless a bright sunny day brings
about an improvement in my well-being and had the day been dull gloomy
and overcast I would most certainly notice the difference in my mood and
motivation. Today we are back once again in beautiful Teesdale, it is
cold and the wind is blowing a gale but the sun is glorious, the sky is
blue, the trees are a dazzle of autumnal colours. Yes of course there
are problems, for me such is inevitable.
The toilets being closed down due to
vandalism, and I intend to have a good ole ramble about that one at some
later date, means our visit to high force waterfall will be brief. This
increases my anxiety not to mention my anger. I am of course on the
alert for the approach of dogs as we make our way down the glorious tree
lined path alongside the fast flowing Tees river leading to the
waterfall. I scan my environment always alert for any problems of an OCD
nature.
I am never relaxed my attention is never distracted from my fears, my
anxieties. My hackles are raised, I hear the approach of other people I turn and
stare checking to see if they have dog. As I stand and watch this
amazing water fall and listen to he roar of the water as it cascades
down a drop of 21 metres into the
plunge pool below. I am tense
turning frequently to watch the only exit up a flight of rather steep
steps should a dog suddenly appear, even if it did come bounding down
the is no where really to go should it come in my direction. Because of
my anxiety and my inability to keep still and relax our vist is brief.
But others have been and gone whilst we stood there watching the water
and taking photographs. People today seem to take little time for
anything and part from a group of students several people come and go in
rapid succession.
We go on to Cows Green reservoir again
the visit has to be brief, fortunately today my IBS and irritable
bladder are not such a problem, a small respite in a very bad episode
which has restricted my ability to go out indiscriminately. Last time we
came here the previous week we had to return to the nearest town because
of the situation with public toilets. This time we stop by the pub we
mostly do so anyway. It is a pleasant pub usually relatively quiet
although there is the usual background groaning of some singer or other
who appears to sing rather like myself; tuneless on one note. But it is
pleasantly situated with some splendid views of the hills. I am anxious
should there be a dog, there never has been but you just do not know.
They have no pineapple juice I would of course like wine or other
alcoholic drink but headaches and alcohol don't mix. I ask for tomato
juice, the barman goes to the fridge for one of those cartons. I panic he
has not even checked the dates perhaps it is past the two or three day
limit for consumption once the carton is open. Making excuses about the
weather and cold drinks I settle for coffee. I than worry about the
coffee: are the cups clean, is the water hot, the usual thing. I never
really enjoy meals or drinks out because of the anxiety of food
poisoning. The music is much louder then usual it is crowded... ell...
four people, crowded for me usually there is no one else here.
We notice a small waterfall by the side
of the road flowing from the hills, in thousands of years time this will
be as huge as high force. I ponder the passing of time, these
unimaginable vast swathes of time, such thoughts often produce
existential anxieties. I try to take a photograph but there is rusty
barb wire obscuring the view. My husband gets out and holds down the
wire and tries to take a photograph I panic if he scratches himself on the
wire he might get sceptacemia I call and call for him to leave the wires
alone he takes no notice he is very stubborn at times. He does not
understand my concerns after all there are so many of them. He seems
just not to see the potential threat associated with just about
everything - at least a threat according to my perspective.
The day is thwart by these and many
other anxieties of a similar nature, there is really never any peace. I
am constantly struggling with on going threats as I perceive such to be.
In addtion there is the constant gnawing anxiety, ruminative worries
crowding my mind playing back their anxiety provoking scenarios over and
over. I am aware of the superb beauty of our environment as we travel
through this region of the northeast yet all the while my mind is crowed
with worrying thoughts, anxieties fear and apprehensive alertness.
Returning home along a fairly busy main
road there is a sheep grazing on the grass verge it has escaped from a
nearby field. I panic. I see my husband's face sink he knows I will feel
it is our responsibility to do something about it, but what, it is
growing dark and if we try and chase it back into the field it might
panic and run amok over the road. I feel guilty leaving it hoping it
will go back into the field of its own volition and not either get
itself killed or cause and accident. I would liked to have gone to find
the farmer but this is no easy matter if the farmhouse is not in obvious
view. I feel guilty and had my husband agreed would probably have gone
roaming round the countryside in search of assistance.
Most trips out conclude with mixed
feelings some are a nightmare, few I can with any honesty say I really
enjoyed in any real sense of he word but today was better than
some days. Or rather again the day was less of a misery than some others
have been. Again of the two statements the second although less positive
is the more accurate.
My husband did take some great photos
of all the lovely autumnal colours here are just two.
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November 15th
Pain or suffering
of any kind, if long continued, causes depression and lessens the power
of action; yet it is well adapted to make a creature guard itself
against any great or sudden evil.
Charles Darwin
Whilst
travelling in the car going along the A1 my most feared and hated major
road after the M1 and the M25... yes you have got it I do not like major
roads people drive like the devil is after them as though they have no
fear, no concept of death or serious disabling injury occurring to
themselves or others. As a truck cuts across another motorist with only
inches to spare it occurs to me that a little neurosis here would not
come amiss, a little fear is vital to our survival and indeed a little
anxiety does much to protect us from rash irresponsible actions that
endanger not only ourselves but others. The thought occurred to me that
in fact neurosis is a survival mechanism maybe one that is highly
exaggerated in people with anxiety disorders but it is nonetheless
necessary to a degree for our continued existence and some people would
do well to cultivate a little neurotic caution.
Than I came across this article which is more or less
implying the same thing, namely that OCD and perhaps any anxiety disorder
is a survival mechanism which has become exaggerated and hyperactive.
According to my understanding the hypothesis is that unwanted
ruminations and thoughts concerning disastrous scenarios, catastrophizing if you like, may possibility be a way of rehearsing
probable survival threatening events thus making the person better
prepared when or if such events occur in reality.
An
Evolutionary Hypothesis For Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A
Psychological
Are OCD, GAD or indeed any anxiety disorder survival
adaptations to
“ make a
creature guard itself against any great or sudden evil.”
A little neurosis is vital to survival
but the continual onslaught of anxiety and the constant invasion of your
mind by unwanted thoughts of an abhorrent, distressing and anxiety
provoking nature takes all the joy from life, it is disabling. yes
indeed suffering of any kind lessens the power of action in all
manner of ways and instead of being a pro survival mechanism can become
a destructive force even if it does provide you with a chance to
rehearse. And I have found that no matter how much we have been
"rehearsing" anticipating a catastrophe or tragic circumstances the reality
if such transpires often brings about a far greater fear than we have
imagined
November 16th
People with OCD scan their environment
I cannot recall where I have read
this, perhaps it is the article above, but I am going to ignore the
compulsion to read all through it again, but no matter suffice it to say
somewhere I have read the comment that people with OCD scan their
environment when they are out, always on the alert for potential threats
concerning their own specific OCD fears such as contamination threats to
name the most obvious. So... Yes! Yes! That is so true. I had not thought
of this before but I do do this. I scan my environment both visually and
audibly, watching listening for potential problems, always mindful of
the need to avoid sources of possible contamination. It is habitual, an
automatic response so entrenched I do not stop to think about it nether
am I aware that this happens until reminded. As I walk along my eyes are
fixed to the pavement scanning for signs of dog mess or unidentified
stains or any of the muck and trash that can precipitate contamination
anxiety and cause me much stress enough to make me disinfect my shoes,
wash my cloths and in extreme cases throw them away. And if horror of
horrors I walk such contaminants into my home I can be severely effected
in such a way that there can be an escalation in symptoms overall
leading to severe limitations of my activates in my own home.
I am also alert intermittently looking up from the
pavement to periodically scan the street particularly behind me for the
approach of a dog. Approaching footsteps behind me, the rattling sound
of someone's keys and I am struck with anxiety: is this noise the rattle
of a dog chain. If I stand in the street to talk to anyone, and this
event now is rare, I will be constantly turning my head this way and
that always mindful of the possible approach of a dog. This makes the
person I am talking with uncomfortable as he or she follows my gaze
wondering no doubt what I am looking at or thinking I am not interested.
Mind you my eye contact is poor and contrived as normal eye contact dos
not come naturally as I have explained before and to the perspective of
the person with who I am struggling to converse, it is all rather
strange, and regardless of the reason behind the behaviours I do appear
to them rather odd or anxious.
There are few places or situations that I ever feel
comfortable although some are less anxiety provoking than others. For
instance the Yorkshire dales there is less likelihood of dogs unleashed
but here there are other sources of contamination to concern me.
Moreover despite the decreased chance of encountering unleashed dogs one
can ever be one hundred percent certain as regardless of the notices
keep dogs under control or keep on a leash there is always the
occasional person who pays no heed to such notices.
Now you would think that entering pub which also
serves bar meals and has a restaurant that you would not encounter a dog
sleeping on the floor right near the entrance. I did not have time to
scan the room and I nearly fell over it! I did stay but I was alert
watching the corner, which concealed the dog. It was on a lead and
looked a sad old mutt depressed and lethargic. Yes I am concerned about
dogs I felt compassion for this dog. Yes I can tell it was unhappy even
my son remarked it look depressed. I longed to stroke it, to make a fuss
of it. I really miss not being able to be in close contact with animals.
I was a anxious even scared to use the toilet peering round the door to
see if there where no other dogs about. Here I scan my environment for
signs of unhygienic conditions. I notice the grubby carpet. grimy with
age, the leaves on the floor, a bit of mud.. Is it mud? Yes likely this
is hill-walking country but there is that doubt, always that doubt. Yes
I do really scan everything it is habitual, a compulsion done without
thinking. We finished our drinks and left as soon as we could. I like
this pub out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by hills and sheep but
now if I do enter I will be on the alert like an animal with raised
hackles fearful of danger, the danger of contamination. I will of course
not eat anything here and I was in fact rather anxious of drinking
anything. Such is the life of the OCDer.
November 18th
Do you hear music in your head? Is intrusive music a
symptom of OCD? My husband, son and I all hear music, a familiar melody
which plays over and over in the background, from a simple tune such as
an advertising jingle to a complex piece of classical music such as
Beethoven's 9th symphony which for a time of several days days played
over and over in my mind like a loop tape. In my case it is not heard as one would
hear music from an external source but it is definitely music and it
replays over in different volumes but again not in quite the same way as
one would hear music from an external source such as a CD or a live
concert. I had assumed that most people experience this...don't they? I do not find
this a problem, it is not like the internal noise experienced as tinnitus
which I also have from time to time in some small degree. However some
people experience intrusive music in a significant way and for them it
can be a considerable a distraction. The following is an article you may
find interesting which
has been published in a website forum along with responses.
Intrusive Music and OCD
November19th
Sometimes I think that it is bad enough to have OCD
without he addition of all the other illnesses, disorders and syndromes
which plague me. I am of course by no means the only suffer with OCD who
has multiple illnesses and conditions.
From time to time I might add links to information
concerning conditions which sufferers of any of the
disorders on my website are subject too and which increase the sufferers
distress. These may not have any relationship to OCD and may not be
related to it or any other mental health problem such as the condtion
referred to in the link below which is causing an OCD e-mail pal of mine
some considerable distress.
Eye floaters tiny spots that float along the field of
vision are not pleasant for anyone but for a suffer of OCD these would
go beyond annoying and become more intrusive and anxiety provoking.
Those of us who wear glasses know how irritating it can be to have
smears or spots on your lenses and how obsessed you can become about
getting them spot or smear free. Well imagine how awful it must be to
have little black dots floating about in your field of vision. Below is
a useful and informative website for sufferers of Floaters and anyone
who wishes to gain empathy for the unpleasantness of this condtion
particualry to a person with OCD.
Floatershell.com
November 20th
Here we are in the supermarket wanting to buy some
eggs. My son and I staring at the box trying to ascertain if the eggs
are from here in the UK. It is not obvious from the top of the carton
where the eggs are from. We both laugh although it is not funny but you
do don’t you. Neither he nor I dare pick up the carton to check to see
the country of origin. Both my son and I have contamination obsessions
and compulsions, although my son’s is part of his Aspergers syndrome
rather than full brown OCD as is the case for myself.
Here in the UK we have another
salmonella and eggs scare. Apparently a small
percentage of eggs imported from Spain carry
salmonella. We do not eat many eggs, at one time I
gave them up altogether and now only occasionally have eggs to bake, and
than only free range, although I can and do make cakes without eggs, and
really there is little difference but this depends on the type of cake
of course. Last week on TV a doctor was talking about this problem and
giving advice. One of the comments mentioned was that to avoid
contamination by salmonella
one should not break the egg shell onto the side of the cooking bowl as
this caused contamination. Such comments validate out obsessive
compulsive behaviours. I have noticed over the years an increase in
society in general over concerns about contamination. Perhaps such
concerns are valid but we still take such concerns still further. When
cooking with eggs I have to break the shell on the washing machine at
the side where it comes into contact with the worktop, here no one will
touch it and for good measure I spray it with an antibacterial agent. I
have to wash my hands after touching the egg box, certainly after
touching the eggs. I crack the egg and break it into a glass. I do this
with each egg breaking them into separate glasses. I than have to wash
my hands careful not to contaminate the tap which now is easy as we have
the kind of tap in the kitchen similar to those in a hospital which you
can turn off without using your hand. I return the eggs in their carton
to a plastic bag in which it is kept to avoid contamination, I carefully
insert the carton to avoid contamination spreading to the outside of the bag. I
wash my hands again and return it to the fridge. After mixing I have to
rinse and scold separately any cooking implement that has come into
contact with the eggs. It of course goes without saying that I do not
indulge in the pleasure of licking the spoon and eating the uncooked
remains of the mixture. Not since the Edwina Curry scare back in ...
goodness knows when, a long long time ago. Neither have I had a soft
boiled nor a fried egg with a soft yolk for fear of salmonella.
We could have of course washed our hands after handing
the box, there are washroom faculties but that would be stressful trying
to get to wash my hands waving them in the like a surgeon. Moreover the
box would have to be put with the other shopping and handled again at
the checkout. I have done this in the past, although I have been anxious
and mindful of the possibility of contamination on the box spreading to
the rest of the shopping. Incongruous as it may seem when considering
the rituals described above. But OCD has no logic or at least it has its
own logic, a personal logic according to the perspective of the
sufferer.
We did not buy any eggs and I managed well enough
without. I cooked potatoes and carrot rissoles; the eggs now in
retrospect where superfluous. Often we just consume things such as eggs
thinking they are vital when indeed they are not. I am not suggesting
that you give into such obsessions and compulsions but when you are not
in a fit state to stand up to them sometimes a comprise has to suffice.
November 23rd
Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful
Annette Funcello
May be not, life does
not have to be perfect to be wonderful but perfectionism sure can make
your life more miserable than it is if you cannot come to terms with
imperfection. Perfectionism is a problem for many people
with OCD. I have found that concerning the creation of my website
I have to accept
imperfection. Mistakes are inevitable and they are often not easily
rectified. I have had to accept that despite all my endeavours
that my website will never be perfect. No website is ever perfect with
all the links working, the graphics appearing, even if you upload and
publish all your WebPages perfectly after sometime something goes wrong
for no explicable reason. This is the case with some of my clip art
graphics which will not download properly and have to be opened with a
graphics program, but not every graphics program will open them. I do
not know why this is happening I have republished them several times
times but still these graphics will not save properly when they are
downloaded. For the time being I have to accept this until such time as
I can fathom what is wrong. I cannot exhaust myself spending time
fiddling about whilst neglecting other aspects of my website. With
computers and particualry website design and creation you have to accept
imperfections or quit altogether.
Apologies to anyone who
is experiencing difficulties opening some of my clip art graphics.
If anyone has any idea as to why these graphics cannot
be opened once saved I would be grateful for your advice please.
November 23rd
I would appreciate some comments please
from anyone who can give me some advice on the following. My
doctor prescribed citalopram a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor
SSRI for my OCD and depression. However many years ago now 15 or 16 I
was prescribed Prozac. This medication made my migraine much worse and
more frequent it also precipitated chronic daily headache CDH both of
which I suffer with today as those of you who have read my memoir will
know. For three years though I had CDH 24/7 along with frequent
awful migraine. The fear of this happening again is overwhelming.
What I am asking is if you are taking this medication or any other
serotonin reuptake inhibitor and you are a sufferer of migraine have you
noticed any increase in the frequency or severity of attacks. It was I
who requested this medication from my doctor because of the increase in
severity of my depression and also my son has made improvements because
of this medication but now I am panicking as the patient hand out lists
migraine as a possible side effect. I spoke with a pharmacist who
assures me he fills out many prescriptions and most people tolerate this
medication without too many problems but because of the problem with
Prozac and the fact that I already suffer with migraine from one to as
many as four each week I am just too scared to take this drug at least
without some advice from others who suffer with migraine and have taken
this or similar medication. If you can comment please I would be
grateful.
My doctor spent nearly half an hour
with me concerning my OCD and this medication and I would feel very
guilty to dismiss it out of hand. Also I do not wish to miss an
opportunity to alleviate my depression . Sometimes when you have the
problems I have it is not easy to know whether any decision that you
make is sound and often fear takes over. However I do have to be very
careful. My headaches and migraine are debilitating enough now I most
certainly do not wish to return to a situation were I have no relief
24/7 from one or the other or both.
The confusing thing is that SSRIs are
sometimes used as a preventive for migraine yet I have my own experience
which indicates otherwise and there are others who have claimed that
this medication increases rather than reduces migraine. So I am
really confused a few personal experiences would help me to make a
decision. I had a friend with OCD who also has migraine who is taking
SSRI but I do not see her now so I can't ask but she seemed to
experience no increase in her migraine so I am really so confused and
obsessing. I guess it is obsessing but how do I make a decision, it is
not easy is it. I find because of my social integration /anxiety
problems it is difficult to express my concerns to my GP I had great
difficulty talking with the pharmacist who seemed not to understand my
concerns, it is easier for me to express myself in writing. Any advice
please will be appreciated. I do not wish to put anyone off taking this
medication which I understand is very effective, this is why I do not
wish to dismiss this out of hand and I would imagine this problem only
occurs if you are already a sufferer of migraine and even than not in
every case.
November 24th
Depression really is quite a
burden this morning, a heavy sinking feeling, a tightness in my chest a
feeling of misery not easily shaken. You know I cannot describe to you
in some many words what it feels like. My doctor recently described my
depression as mild. Perhaps in comparison to someone with manic
depression during the deep depressive episodes symptomatic of this
condition it is, but mild I think does not really describe how I feel. I
have described my depression before it‘s as though there are two types
of depression, a milder, but I would not say mild to imply that it is of
little concern, constant depression ticking over in the background with
episodes of a deeper more profound depression when I have little
motivation and withdraw into a decline that might involve such behaviour
as curling up on the settee and sleeping. Even when my depression is
relatively mild, at least in comparison to that of others but it is
difficult to make comparisons, to me it is nonetheless a significant
burden.
This morning I can barely drag myself out of bed my
heart feels as though it is weighed down by a stone. My depression is
more apparent this morning; every tiny endeavour is a huge struggle. Yes
I can sit here and write and writing does sometimes bring some relief as
I can express myself better in writing. Nevertheless do not forget that what you
will see here in my blog will be a much edited version than the one that
appears on my screen right now.
Often people think that because I can manage this
website that I am functioning and that my condition cannot be as severe
as it is. People have written to be asking how I have got over my OCD,
how I function. One particular lady last year was very insistent asking
how I coped with this or that situation. To say that because I can
create a website it means that I am not depressed and that I cope with
my OCD is likely saying that 2+2 =22.
As those who regularly read my blog will know I have
often considered that I have significant traits of autism, possibly
enough to warrant a diagnosis of some type of mild autistic spectrum
disorder ASD. I will not ramble on again about why I think this is so but I
will just like you to consider an aspect of autism that can also apply
to OCD. For the record I think there is a strong relationship between
ASDs and OCD but that is for another entry for another time perhaps.
Often people with autism including Asperger’s syndrome find coping with
everyday tasks in their lives difficult, like all conditions there are
varying degrees of severity. However many people with autism find that
they have areas within their lives with which they can barely cope while
they excel in other areas with a particular ability or talent. For
instance my son is an excellent artist and at first you might not
imagine that he could possibly suffer from depression or that he has
profound difficulties with social interaction and compulsive spending
related to his preservations resulting from having Aspergers syndrome.
When he was a child he appeared precocious and I was pound of him not
realising he had this condition. He is very intelligent and when he
talks about his special interest he can appear articulate and confident
albeit rather shy. Therefore many people do not realise that for the
most part life for my son is very difficult.
The same situation can rise
with a mental illness. Did anyone see the documentary about Stephen Fry
the actor and writer who for all intents and purposes is a successful
person... who would have guessed that he suffers with bipolar disorder.
The same situation occurs here with OCD there can be areas where you can
appear to function. However oftentimes for people with
mental health problems, and most particularly concerning OCD, what appears
to be coping is actually a facade. Underlying the veneer of such an
appearance lies a huge struggle with ones mind, and for me personally
also with my body as after so many years of anxiety it manifests many
problems which are brought about as a result of such continuous stress.
For instance tension headaches and IBS to name just two of the illnesses
that make my life difficult. The creation and maintenance of this
website does not go without hindrance from OCD, OCD rears its ugly head,
it makes much of what I do a misery of anxiety and fear as it does in
any other endeavour in my life. And I do not exaggerate, there is no
area of my life that is not affected by my OCD, there is no thought or
action that OCD does not pervert, and interfere with. The creation and
maintenance of this website is an enormous struggle it can bring much
anxiety, it has precipitated many new obsessions and compulsions, it is
no easy matter. Yes it does have its advantages it is a distraction
notwithstanding the obsessions and compulsions that have arisen as a
result of this endeavour.
But please bear in mind my website is
just about the only area of my life that I can cope with and than only
after a fashion relative to the above description concerning my
difficulties to maintain this endeavour. Moreover you do not see the
hours I put in or experience these struggles that I have to keep coming
here and sharing with you my experiences or the anxiety and the inner
turmoil as I ruminate and obsess whether or not to publish this or that
entry article or comment. Often it can take days, weeks even years. The
latest article OCD
hyperresponsibility/ hypermorality
was written over
eighteen months ago now. Every now and again I would look over this
article and see something that I feared would cause harm to another and
I was extremely apprehensive about publishing. On a more rational level
I am of course aware that such notions are due to my OCD but this inner
rationality is too weak and is easily overpowered by my OCD perverted
logic. The aforementioned article you see was only finally published
with some editing; a good section of the original content was removed
because of my OCD anxieties that my comments would cause harm. If I had
not done this this article may never be published and I could in theory
go on and on reading it over and over ruminating, obsessing, struggling.
A never ending round of indecisive misery
Well it is now 6.45, has my depression
eased after all that writing? Sometimes it does help to write about the
way I feel, and indeed it helps to write about anything. Writing for me
is often an excellent distraction but today sadly I feel little
improvement in my depression. I think I am concerned about my new
medication I really do not know what to do concerning this. I do not
wish to risk making my migraine worse? This outcome is a possibility but
not an inevitability but I cannot help thinking about how ill I was when
I took Prozac? Often mental health professionals and even the pharmacist
whom I asked for advice will tell you that some side effects are
inevitable and you should weigh the advantages against the disadvantages
but in the case of severe headaches 24/7 and an increase in frequency
and severity of migraine there really is no way that the alleviation of
my depression could compensate. How on earth could it? Think about it...
there is no way I would not be depressed whilst suffering so intensely
from unremitting pain now is there. I do feel guilty that I requested
this medication without thinking it through. I was caught on the hop, I
did not realise my doctor may want to try to help me himself rather than
refer me back to the psychiatrist so I had not thought through which
medication I would be particularly anxious about taking and the side
effects.
So I feel just awful if I do not
now at least try to take this medication but I am so afraid I just do
not think I could go through all that pain again. Things are still not
easy and each day I have some kind of headache but there is now many
more hours headache free and I do not want to loose this improvement. I
cannot stand anymore of this OCD yet I do not wish relief at the
expensive of an increase in migraine and CDH.
I feel really so overwhelmed by my OCD and think I
cannot cope any more with the unremitting torment. I dread facing the
rest of the day. Mornings and evenings are the worst. It is now 7.30 AM and
still it is dark, there is of course nothing I can do about this and my
reaction is due to my attitude of mind and my depression.
It is difficult to face what to others would be for
instance the simple task of sorting the washing, you cannot imagine how
much obsessing and how many OCD rituals it takes just to get the washing
into the machine. A simple task to the average person not afflicted with
OCD but a nightmare of frustration anxiety and finally exhaustion.
Showering and changing as I have described on many occasions gives rise
to many OCD rituals. Just lately caring for my home keeping it clean has
become exhausting. Mildew in the bathroom is a never-ending battle to
contend with. After my son has had his shower the walls literally run
with water. He takes forty minutes to shower. The whole room throughout
the day feels damp and wet. We brought a new mat yesterday for the
bathroom already it looks damp. The kitchen presents similar problems it
is constant battle, there are damp blotches on the wall, all that
decorating now looks spoilt. As I go downstairs to face the day there it
is that smell again, the odd fusty smell which no one else appears to
notice. Entering the kitchen I can smell odours of undetermined origin.
My heart sinks sometimes I consider this to be a house from hell.
I can still hear that noise from the factory, last
night it was the loudest it has ever been. I am angry it is so loud, it
cannot be masked by playing a CD, it has hummed all through the night,
it a torment most profound. The noise is so pervasive my son can hear it
in the back room. I shall complain and continue to complain until
something is done. My anger as much as anything has made my sleep
more troubled and disturbed than usual.
Today this morning I have hysterics I
seem so overwhelmed, crying does mitigate my depression somewhat but it
can bring about or make an existing headache worse and even in some
case precipitate a migraine. Aggggghhh some days are just too much to
bear and this looks like it is going to be one of them
November 28th
Well if this lack of motivation
and writer's block continues there will not be many more entries next
month. I did not get out of bed this morning until 5.45 I was pervaded
by depression and despite the usual round of ruminative and intrusive
thoughts and a bizarre phrase from my past repeating over and over in my
head it was a struggle. Yes of course it is early but usually the
thoughts drive me out of bed to get away from them, on many occasions
recently as early as 4AM . Since the clocks have been altered here in the
UK I have woken at about 3am and often it is a struggle to go back to
sleep and usually about 4 to 4.30 I have to get up as I cannot stand the
torment from within not to mention all those aches and pains. But today
I just could not get up it is as though I am paralysed. Please do to
take that literally, as of course I speak of mental paralysis, the kind where
when depression is really significant you cannot motivate yourself even
to get up from a seating position into a standing one or in this case
from a lying down position into a standing position.
I am still obsessing about my medication, fearful to
take a dose. This of course is most likely a fear borne of OCD but of
course who knows, these fears may be legitimate. This medication is
sometimes used as a migraine preventative but still there is that fear,
there is a connection between serotonin and migraine, a connection that
from my understanding implies that there is a rise of serotonin in the
brain during a migraine attack and of course as these pills effect
serotonin levels I am anxious. And of course there was the problem when
I first took Prozac. However the basic problem is that I simply cannot
get past this fear. Like any other of the umpteen thoughts and the thousands of fears that present and have presented all my life I cannot get past
it. Yes of course I have not given in to all my fears and in time this
fear also may ease, it is not as big a fear as it once was; at one time I
would not even have gone to the doctors to ask for any type of
antidepressant. But for now I am just too fearful. Today I was going to
try a half dose but I was simply too scared. I hate myself for my fears
I hate OCD and the web of fear and anxiety it weaves into my life. I
hate it that I cannot express myself and communicate effectively to
others. I really hate it that I do not know what the hell to do. I dread
going back to my doctor. I am not opposed to all depression medication
now and feel I have the courage to take another type of drug an older
type of drug which I have taken in the past with few problems that does
not have this migraine threat but oh the worry of it all. I have another
week before seeing my doctor during which the torment will drive me
crazy.
November 30th
Concerning the phenomena of
intrusive music, which I assumed everyone experienced. I have just been
discussing this by e-mail with an e-mail friend of mine who also has OCD
and who also experiences the phenomena of intrusive music, words and
imagines. Since reading the article included in a previous entry I have
been more aware of what is happening in my mind and just how crowded it
is with all the intrusive thoughts of not only an OCD nature, the
thoughts or obsessions that drive the compulsions, but also with a
background of music, repetitive words, phrases, whole sentences and a
continuous round of images in my minds eye. I know of course the OCD
thoughts are not normal but what of the other thoughts, the music and
repetitive phrases, does everyone experience this.
Yesterday morning I woke with the following sentence
repeating itself over and over in my mind: 'Where were you when I lay the
foundations of the earth?' This is a quotation from the bible, the book
of Job. I had to look this up in an internet search engine. Although
this phrase I knew was a sentence from the bible I learnt it way back in
my youth when I was a Christian I had neither heard or used it for at
least three decades!. Now after all these years there it was! It kept
repeating over and over and after a while it became set to music: I also
had a tune in my head which seemed to rearrange itself to
blend in with the words and than the sentence was more like a song.
Bizarre? The day before I had a rendition of Mario Lanza singing
Christmas carols in my head quite vigorously, I had not heard these for
thirty years yet here they were repeating over and over the way that he
sang them with that lovely smooth deep voice that he had. Now as I sit
here writing to you there is another Christmas carol, I cannot think of
the title, but it not only repeats in English but also in some kind of
gibberish, really I am crazy. Before saying all this to you and seeing
that article I just took it all for granted and never thought how odd it
all is. Such interference and intrusive music, phrases, noise and images
can hinder concentration although mostly now it all goes on in the
background and as long as the images are not awful, depressing or
frightening or become part of an OCD intrusive thought for the most part
I do not bother too much.
But what about a constant stream of mental images? Is
this normal? Sometimes these images are so complex superimposed in front
of whatever it is you are seeing at any given moment. They are however a
vague veneer for the most part unless connected to fear or an OCD
intrusive type image either of a frightening, depressing or offensive
nature in which case such images are more intense, less vague or hazy.
Flash backs of course of one's past life I imagine intrude into
everyone's mind from time to time, however sometimes not only the actual
flashbacks but also I see the images that where in my mind which where
present during the situation that is being replayed in my mind! Is this
normal? For example in a situation from my past, for instance an
unpleasant situation at school flashes through my minds eye, the
thoughts I had in my minds eye at that time will also be present in my
mind, it is as though I not only relive in my mind and see myself in the
situation but also the same thoughts and imagines that I was thinking at
the time return. So not only does the scene play back but also what I
was thinking at the time. Furthermore I do not always see what I saw at
the time from the perspective that I would have seen the situation but
rather I see myself as though I am observing myself from a distant
perspective like an actor in a scene on TV. Rather like they do on TV or
films when they are showing you what a person is thinking when he or she
is remembering a past event. For instance if I was asked to recall
myself sitting in a rowing boat on Derwent lake near Keswick in Cumbria
,which I did when my husband and I had our first holiday, I will see
myself sitting in the boat rather than remember what I had seen from the
perspective of my position in the boat. I hope I am explaining this
clearly it is very difficult to describe.
Moreover these thoughts have a domino effect one
thought leading to another leading to another and another. Now as I sit
here I recall playing in the playground at school but amongst the images
that return I can see in my mind's eye images of characters from a short
story I was reading at the time, the images here are more vague because
I can never really visualise an imaginary person in my mind and thinking about it now images of people whether real or imagined are
always somewhat hazy. Maybe this is because of the face recognition
problem I have. I rather think a lot of this is normal. I have recently
read a book my Temple Grandin called Thinking in Pictures and I remember
thinking, doesn’t everyone think in pictures? I think in words also of
course but words conjure imagines either directly relevant to the words
or images that have no obvious conscious association and which
precipitate other words and images, again not always directly relevant
in a literal sense to the images. Sometimes there is simply just mental
activity, which seems to neither fall into words nor pictures, more like
abstract feelings and emotions difficult to explain. But always in my
minds eye there is an image either just flashes or like a video with a
complex scenario
When one worries and goes over and over a possible
scenario concerning an anticipated worrying event these thoughts are
often not clearly defined as words or pictures. For instance my ongoing
worry over my medication: I am not thinking over and over about whether
or not this medication will make my migraine worse in so many words as I
would write it here to explain to you my fears in this regard but the
thought returns again and again in a more abstract way and is not
expressed in my mind word for word. There are also images conjured by
this anxiety, images of the past trauma when my headaches presented 24/7
without respite and the fearful three years spent mostly lying down for
much of the day. There present thoughts that were in my mind during this
difficult frightening time in my life along with the images that present
either relevant to my situation or random thoughts that filled my mind
at the time. Thoughts come of my doctor, of sitting in his consulting
room, of the reception and waiting room and various other images
associated with this anxiety and they present either as clips or as a
full-length video of these events and associations. Of course this is
all normal at least I hope it is, I think that ones mind continually
produces image after image thought after thought and word after word.
Perhaps it is because I have OCD that I take more
notice of them, and of course when such thoughts turn from random mental
images from the past, in the way I have described, and are mainly
comprised of intrusive OCD type thoughts and images this continual
mental input of pictures, words and thoughts is a huge torment.
I guess I am obsessing here, analysing ones thought
can of course be an obsessive-compulsive behaviour as much as any other.
Such thoughts are also related to that persistent obsessive drive to
find some meaning of a more philosophical nature, the need to know who I
am, what I am ,who is the real me. Are we just a mess of random
thoughts, words and emotions a complex
mish mash of chaotic thought depending on how the circuitry of our brain
is wired? And when most such thoughts arise from a distorted OCD
perspective often I wonder if this is all there is and that who and what I
am is solely a result of the way my brain is wired. if I did not
have OCD who would I be?
*
Disclaimer :
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and
have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries .
However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not
necessarily reflect my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
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