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Blog Roll
Blog
Roll disclaimer*
Links
to recommended blogs:
OCD
Wiping The Crazy Off My Face
Incertus - The Weblog of Doubt
and Other Disorders
There is a diary included as
part of the following website:
My Obsessively Clean
Den
Where Justin can be Justin
Agoraphobia:
Agoraphobic
English Guy
Downunder
Bipolar and OCD:
Gail's journal
New!
Disjointed Thoughts
Autism:
Donna Williams’ Blog
Ballastexistenz
A Blog from Another World
Attention Deficit disorder ADD:
Living with ADD
A personal selection of Interesting Blogs not
related to mental health or conditions of any kind:
The Action Blog:
Save an endangered species, protect human rights,
save a forest.
Gristmill: The environmental
news blog |
This blog is
part of
Grist Magazine's
website, a magazine dedicated to environmental
issues.
Positive Attitude Quotes, Free
Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular
Motivativational sayings.
A good selection of
interesting quotations
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November 2nd The present trend to drape the settee and easy chairs with colourful
throws is a real boon to OCDers such as myself with fears of
contamination. I am not saying for one minute that such a solution to
this quite common contamination issue is ideal, neither do I encourage
anyone to address their fears in this way permanently. However it might
help you to cope during times when you are really severely effected by
your OCD and you are not in a position to try and fight it or you are
not being supported as you have no mental health care. Such a solution
may save a lot of unhappiness, stops you from ruining your furniture by
soaking it in disinfectant or in extreme cases throwing it away or
having to resort to using sheets as I did many years ago. Also using
throws to either protect your settee from contamination or to make a
previously contaminated settee feel safe again by covering it with
throws, that you can than wash may once again allow you to have people
enter your home. At least these colourful throws do not draw attention
to your problems as using sheets would as was the case for me many years
ago when throws of this type were not available.
During difficult times in my life when my OCD was indeed severely
overwhelming I was anxious to allow anyone into the house but continued
to do so simply because it was not easy to say no and I did not wish to
either isolate myself or draw attention to my problems and I would clean
and disinfect the carpet and the chairs that anyone had sat in or walked
on as the case may be. This
was particularly the case if I knew my visitor owned a dog or did
something I knew, at least that according to my abhorrent
perspective, involved becoming contaminated, such as a gardener, anyone
who handled chemicals, had contact with
animals - well the list is long
but I am sure you get the idea. Eventually cleaning the settee in this
way was exhausting and the house constantly smelling of stale
disinfectant was unpleasant to say the least . I had either to use
sheets to cover the settee as I was not able to sit on it or I had to
cover the settee with sheets or bed covers when a visitor came and than
wash the covers or sheets afterwards. As there came a time that no
matter how much I cleaned it felt contaminated I eventually had to
resort to covering the settee with sheets all the time as I was too
anxious to use it and we could not afford a new one.
At the time of writing I need to cover my new settee whenever anyone
one calls although there are increasingly few occasions now when we have
anyone in the house as I am finding it just too difficult. I do not give
into all my obsessions and compulsions however there are situations when
trying to ignore such a compulsion to cover the settee could result in
serious stress which at the moment I am not able to deal with. Therefore
right now concerning my settee I need to work round the problem rather
than confront it. No of course this is not the ideal way and again I
strongly stress I am not advocating such as a permanent solution
but instead as
merely a band aid if you like to allow me to cope during this
extremely difficult time in my life when I have so little support in
terms of mental health care.
November 3rd
Creativity is dynamic, it asserts life, frees the human spirit,
conquers mental lassitude and illness, and makes real the outrageous
potential of the universal imagination.
Robert Genn
Whatever creativity is,
it is in part a solution to a problem.
Brian W. Aldiss
There is more to me that my OCD. Yes other facets of my personality
are less noticeable and do not dominate either my thoughts or my
activities in everything the way that OCD does, but despite OCD's
overwhelming effect on my life I have always tried to include other
things even though at times it has been enormously difficult and I have
had to work round my OCD and often times I have failed as such is
exhausting to keep up over extend periods of time. But I persist, I
always have done even through the darkest days of my misery. I do not
want my OCD to be the sum total of my life and each day I try to do
something more fulfilling. Not, I admit that I rarely get any real
satisfaction from anything as every thought and action is effected by
OCD and at times it is a wearying battle to defend myself from its
constant torment. As anyone who visits my website knows I paint and draw
- I was going to say that I like to paint and draw but this would not be
true as words such as like, enjoy, pleasure, happiness are meaningless
as it as been so long since such feelings have been felt, except for
perhaps very fleeting moments, due to my OCD and depression. But I try to
paint and draw and I have created this website all of which are positive
activities, but neither are by any means a pleasure or easy as OCD
invariably gets in the way.
With artwork there are numerous problems such as anxiety concerning
the use of toxic materials although most art materials these days are
not highly toxic if one uses them carefully, but there are some things I
avoid, for instance I cannot paint with conventional oils because of the
need to clean my brushes with turpentine. Also my perfectionism makes
art work difficult, the need to get it just right mitigates any real
feelings of satisfaction but such feelings are often experienced by many
artists, Monet was one of them. Moreover depression is a deadly enemy,
distorting motivation and incentive it thwarts ones endeavours, and it
takes sometimes enormous effort to merely execute a simple drawing.
Sadly, and as pathetic as this may sound, it is nonetheless a problem and
one which is difficult to override and that is the fear of additional
depression which is borne of my perfectionism: often if a piece of
artwork goes wrong even slightly it will have a detrimental effected
upon my mood increasing my depression. Silly I know, but if looked at
logically we could say this about most aspects of our thinking processes
and how they relate to our mood. Again such experiences are common to
artists: 'I am very depressed and deeply disgusted with painting. It
is really a continual torture.' Claude Monet
One cannot help what one thinks or how our thoughts effect our mood,
but we can carrying on and try to do meaningful or more positive things
with our time and ignore such feelings that arise from such negative
thinking .
Much the same can be said concerning my website, I am never satisfied
with either the format or content. I worrying endlessly about what I
have written, I even have quite significant attacks of anxiety thinking
about all this personal stuff which I divulge on the net. Well if you
have read my blog you will know only too well the extent of my torment
in this regard. Furthermore I worry about showing you my artwork, it
seems egocentric to do so even though I am never satisfied with it and
feel little or no sense of achievement and sometimes even embarrassment.
The idea of including my artwork, and that of others, is to add a positive
aspect to my website and to bring to the fore some of the more creative
side of our personalities and show anyone who is interested that there
is more to us than our anxiety disorders; whether they are OCD,
agoraphobia, panic disorder or whatever, most of us have something
positive to show others.
My participation in these activities, even this website which for the
most part focuses on OCD, notwithstanding all the aforementioned
difficulties, allows me to feel that there is more to my life than an
endless round of OCD symptoms, such as decontaminating and checking
rituals, ruminating, obsessing and being depressed, frustrated angry.
Many people with OCD often need to feel that whatever activity that
they undertake has to have some purpose other than simply
participating for pleasure or to pass the time. Often if I suggest to a
fellow sufferer that perhaps it would be a good idea to involve ones
self in such hobbies as painting, drawing and so on I often receive the
reply that there seems to be little point in pursuing such pastimes.
What is the point of spending hours on a drawing or a painting, a piece
of embroidery, woodwork, writing a story or whatever is our forte as no
one sees it and such items collect and nothing much of use appears to
have been accomplished. I am also familiar with such feelings, often
such thoughts come to me as my artwork accumulates, one of the most
frequent is: when I am dead some one will just throw my work into the
dustbin. Such thoughts are borne of negativity, they are the usual
inhibiting OCD type thinking patterns, the type of thought that will
destroy your life if you allow it too. Such thoughts will make
everything you do seem pointless and will undermine your innate
creativity and isolate you from a powerful and therapeutic tool in your
battle against your illness. Yes maybe there is no big purpose but if
you do nothing more than pass the time in a more creative manner and
provide the mind with some diversion, than this surely is reason enough
to participate in such pursuits. Who knows you may get the opportunity
to sell your creations, but keep in mind that we should not
determine success, fulfilment or motivation simply in monitory terms and
feel that something we create is only of value if we can financially
profit from it. Sadly this type of motivation and perspective is now the
only incentive for many people. Some one said to me the other day that
the only reason to paint was to make money. I couldn't believe my ears !
No I relied art for a real artist is not about making money. There are
many creative pursuits to participate in and many reasons why we should
do so. A friend of my late sister painted and hung the finished artwork
on her walls in her own home, it bought pleasure to herself and to her
family. Others produce art and crafts to raise funds for charity. And
you can always send photos of your artwork and send in literary work to
me to include on this website. Art brings pleasure to many people
even if it does nothing much to the artist ether financially or in the way
of satisfaction.
I know of course that depression is a serious detriment to motivation
and when one is severely depressed such pastimes my not be possible.
Depression in serious circumstances can render one catatonic. During my
stay in hospital in the eighties a nurse told me of patients too
depressed to move or even take care of bodily functions and many
patients were not assigned to the art department or for occupational
therapy as they simply had little or no motivation. However I tend to
think that many of my fellow patients may have been able to accomplish
more if they had been encouraged to do so but I digress that is another
subject for another time perhaps. I recognise from my own experience the
seriousness and incapacitating nature of depression, it is as though one
fights ones self and there are times when one is not even motivated to
do that. But if you can occupy yourself with some positive pastime no
matter how limited or of short duration at least at the end of the day
you can at least feel that your OCD or other anxiety illness has not
completely ruled your life on that day for that amount of time.
Below is a painting of a favourite subject of mine Glastonbury Tor
Somerset. This I have completed earlier this week after several weeks of
work.
Click on image to view larger
version which will open in a new window.
As a suffering
creature, I cannot do without something greater than
I – something that
is my life – the power to create.
Vincent Van Gogh
November 6th
Today I have this awful free floating anxiety, I image most of us who
suffer with anxiety disorders experience this feeling in addition to the
usual anxiety, the kind of anxiety for which we know only too well the
reason and which we experience for most of our waking life in one way or
another. Free floating anxiety is a type of anxiety which is not
attributed to any particular circumstance or event, it often
precipitates a panic attack. It can also be a continual anxious feeling,
persistent but without reason.
Free floating anxiety as this type of nondescript and inexplicable
anxiety has so aptly been called is for me more difficult to contend
with as one knows no particular reason why one feels this way. For me
the sensation of this type of anxiety seems different than the
anxiety born of a particular worry or fear, a worry or fear of which we
are only too well aware even though we can do little to alleviate or
mitigate it but at least we know why we feel so awful. However with free
floating anxiety the fear is indefinable you cannot pin it down and
therefore you may seem more helpless to take action against it.
Free floating anxiety most often accompanies general anxiety disorder
GAD but anyone with any anxiety disorder may experience free floating
anxiety from time to time, that inexplicable dread which causes the
sensation of butterflies in the stomach which rises to your throat
accompanied by feelings of inexplicable apprehension. Often free floating
anxiety appears when we wake in the morning, it may also occur when we
are less occupied or it seems just to arrive unbidden and most certainly
unwanted for no apparent reason. What causes this additional feeling of
anxiety, a sensation immediately different than our usual anxious
feelings which accompany our specific fears, obsessions, phobias and
stress? In my experiences it goes as suddenly and as mysterious as it
arrives, it may last for several minutes or hours and in severe cases
for days. Even though there appears to be no definable reason for it's
incursion it is nonetheless as awful as ones usual anxieties.
Now imagine having to suffer this in addtion to those gnawing and
agonising anxieties of which the cause is only too apparent. Today as
any day in addtion to this pervasive free floating anxiety I am beset by
a number of ongoing worries. In fact fears of specific origins
continue during the day there is always some worry or another which
comes to the fore again and again, some obsessive idea or persistent
intrusive thought frightening me, worrying me, sometimes deluded
exaggerated but perceptively real and persistent, resistant to attempts
to dismiss it particualry on days when I am less busy such as Sundays.
I have quite a lot to face this week and perhaps this is the reason
for my additional free floating anxiety
Tomorrow the representative comes from the department of the
environment to collect the sound monitoring equipment. I need to prepare
the list of readings and write a summery. I feel anxious about this, I
cannot leave it to chance as most people would as I need to get them to
fully understand the problem as I cannot do so verbally and besides
people do not really take in what you have said and misunderstandings
arise when important issues are not communicated in writing. And
nowadays it seems that even when you have explained yourself in writing
still the other person manages to misinterpret what you have said and as
amazing as it may sound may even upon occasion take any complaints and
so on personally. In recent years this has been the case and this has of
course heightened my anxieties. As with any piece of writing I get
anxious that I have not got it right and it does not accurately convey
my meaning. I worry in case any writing of mine does not fully describe
the situation without ambiguity. It is not entirely my fault that such
anxieties arise for it is truly amazing how people misunderstand what
you have written even when it is written in the detailed way in which I
always write. Sometimes I have to consider that either the precipitant
is stupid or has simply not given enough attention to what I have
written. Sadly in our over worked and over pressured society where
downsizing, horrible expression I know, as meant that one person is
doing the work of three other people workers are under pressure and
for this reason among others no doubt correspondence is often skipped
over quickly or is soon forgotten by the over taxed and tired mind of
the precipitant. Consequently misinterpretations arise. It happens so often
nowadays and has to my son only this week in quite significant
circumstances and such has caused him a great deal of stress. I often
write long and detailed letters that may appear patronising because of
the explicit detail yet I have no other choice when the matter is
important as is the case with this noise abuse. But it is exhausting and
I worry and obsess reading and checking over and over the anxiety rising
to my throat right up until the time this person arrives or in other
cases until the letter is posted. Sometimes I check and check leaving
the envelope unsealed until we arrive at the post box. Such is
exhausting and sitting here now writing all this is actually my way of
procrastinating and putting of the necessity of starting to write this
important communication. Furthermore to fill in the forms I have to be
OCD clean as I fear dire consequences should I contaminate the forms so
I cannot therefore fill them in at any time such as now to get it over
with as I will need to shower and change first. So none of it is easy,
life with OCD is a nightmare and such situations as this are an
unbearable misery of frustration and anxiety.
Filling in these forms and
writing this account of the situation is very important as my health and
wellbeing depend upon some action being taken. Such anxieties born of
these concerns accentuate my misery, if this action fails and nothing is
done I do not wish to have this stressful situation compounded by the
thought that it is due to anything I did or did not do or say; I do not
want to have doubts that I did not adequately explain the seriousness of
the situation and the detriment it is having upon my life.
If the council refuse to take action against this business and the
noise continues I do not know what on earth I will do, the fear of this
is appalling. I cannot imagine living here for the rest of my life
tortured by this unbearable noise. But the thought of the trauma of
having to move is daunting indeed with all the accompanying misery and the exhaustion, the
indecision tearing me part, the fear of jumping from the frying pan into
the fire should we make yet another mistake and find our selves living
in a situation which is even worse. I do not think that, my husband, my
son or myself are well enough to make an informed and rational decision. We
were not when we came to live here, and we are not now, in fact now we
are even less able. We had no advice or help than and we do not have any
now. Yes people will offer advice often ill throughout advice which is
obviously given off the top of their heads, advice given with little
thought or consideration. How easily others advise you to take life
altering decisions with little or no thought to the possible
consequences and much of this kind of advice often comes unsolicited.
The thought of the impending stress of tomorrow
haunts me today. It seems that not a week passes that society with
all it's demands presents some worry to add to the mix of my OCD anxieties.
But consider would such events take on quite such significant
proportions
to the non sufferer? Who knows of course I do not as a chronic worrier in
a general way not to mention my OCD every event which is slightly
negative takes on mammoth proportions and events which are seemingly
neutral or even positive my mind may turn them into a worrying and
anxiety provoking scenario.
November 7th
When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in
itself a choice.
William James
My heart is in my mouth the familiar sensation born of years of
anxiety rises to my throat the constriction preventing me from
swallowing. I pace the floor, stare out of the window longing for the
ordeal to be over. The ordeal is the impending arrival of the
reprehensive of the environmental department to collect the noise
monitoring equipment, a pleasant and amiable individual whom I have net
once before and have spoken with on the telephone. Apprehension the
result of a mix of social anxiety, OCD and the general
misery of my existence turn a mildly stressful meeting into a nightmare
of fear and dread. The thoughts come to me of how I have deteriorated
concerning my social interactions with others and how avoiding such as
left me feeling vulnerable inadequate and unpractised in my social
skills, social skills that I have learned to get me through, tried and
trusted repertoires which I hope prevent anyone from realising just how
socially inept I am. I am constantly anxious that someone will see through
my facade as they invariably do when the conversation strays from the
path I have perceived and anticipated and for which I have prepared.
Such feelings predominate of course in such cases as this when the
outcome of such meetings is crucial to the present worrying situation in
my life namely the noise abuse.
As I have mentioned in yesterday's entry I have left little to chance
and prepared copious notes, a summary of the problem, reiterations of
previous letters and phone calls, anxious retellings of my concerns and
the events along with careful written arguments presenting my case much
as a solicitor would present it to a court. I know of course that it
will be obvious to anyone that all is not as it should be and that I am
not like other people, but perhaps I
need to look on the bright side, perhaps the obviousness of my failing
mental health may solicit some sympathy or understanding of the reasons
for my desperate persistence. It could however make me look like a
neurotic who hears every noise and complains about anything and
everything - which of course I guess I am, at least by normal
consideration. Notwithstanding my neurotic illness my complaints
in this case are valid. Nonetheless I have to be careful not to
give such an impression as such would invalidate my credibility and to
this end I have spent much time organising my home, my clutter and
collections and general disorganised mayhem into a more acceptable
arrangement hiding things in cupboards cramming things into rooms that
will not be entered. Whole book shelves packed with stuffed toys and
other clutter are dragged into our hobbies room. Changing my dishevelled
and unmatched cloths for cloths which will make me appear more normal
more responsible is also a necessity although both my husband and son
disagree.
No wonder I am exhausted and stressed and all
this after hours on the computer yesterday
organising and obsessing over these commentaries.
Again this morning I write more, two three, versions
of the final paragraph doubting, doubting, doubting,
again and again comes the anxiety, the altered word,
the added sentence, to underline not to underline,
and than after all this agonising I am undecided
which one to include if any at all.
I am now so afraid to make any decision and ruminate over the
smallest of matters, hesitating anxious, fearful of making yet another
mistake. I am now so afraid to make any decision, anxious that each
decision I make will be wrong, it feels almost as though no matter what
decision I make about anything it will be to my disadvantage as though
the entire universe is rearrange and reorganized to make whatever
decision I make the wrong one.
I need to get my son up and organised a daunting task when one feels
so ill oneself. My headache persists I am undecided, yet another
decision now about taking my medication, taking my medication at there
wrong time is always a worry but today the need to make a quick decision
weighs heavy should the need arise to have to drive our son into town.
As predicted he is anxious, stressed and unorganised he can't find
anything to wear, a problem similar to mine I would guess. He delays,
procrastinates unable to motivate himself watching breakfast TV he is
more interested in the situation in France than is own immediate
concerns. I obsesses and drive everyone crazy hoping some one will make
a decision about whether I have migraine or not. Ridiculous I know,
if I do not know if my headache is migraine how on earth do I think
others will. Eventually I relent and take my meds still uncertain
anxious should I be making a mistake yet pressured into acting against
my better judgment not wanting to let my son down, but there is barely
time for my medication to act and I lay there anxious stressed, guilty.
I miscalculated, my medication will not act in time he will have to take
the bus, waiting for me would be cutting it fine. But no he delays his
indecisiveness inhibiting is progress he misses the bus. Somehow I will
have to cut short my rest time a times in which ideally one should
remain prone and rested for the medication to act. I am overwhelmed
stressed and fatigued. I am angry, irritated feeling dysfunctional
and seemingly never able to do anything right. I should have waited
taken him in to town and than taken my medication but I was afraid,
afraid of the pain rising to new heights, uncontrollable pain and not
being able to cope, fearful of the car breaking down and me being
stranded with a fearful headache not able to return home for hours
unable to alleviate my pain. So in a fluster of anxious panic I took my
medication.
I have barely time to wash my hands and put on my coat - well my
jacket for I have not yet replaced that contaminated coat. In a rush of
anxious confusion and still with a pounding headache we make it with
time to spare dropping my son off with barely a word of encouragement
for the successful outcome of his interview. My headache continues a
persistent throb, I am afraid it was not migraine; afraid it is migraine
unaborted because of the rush and my inability to relax long
enough for my medication to take effective. The brilliant sunshine
blinds me makes me feel sick and accentuates my headache along with my
fears. I am desperate to return home and shower and change all my
cloths, cloths which I have worn for barely too hours, cloths which I
feel because of the manner in which I have to administer my medication
are now contaminated. For this reason and for the third time this
morning I need to shower having showered twice previously, twice in
succession due to concerns that a towel seemed damp as towels do from
time to time. Most people do not worry about such not thinking they will
be passing on legionaries disease, however for me a sufferer of severe
OCD unless the towel is discarded and another shower and hair wash is
undertaken I will not be able to function unable to move or do much of
anything fearful of spreading contamination. I do try, I really do try
to resist the overwhelming compulsion to shower swearing one of those
oaths mentioned in my
memoirs
and
short story that I will not have
another shower but the thought comes, a more powerful overriding thought
that I might be punished and something dire might befall me but more
importantly a loved one as result of not decontaminating. Sometimes it
all feels so hopeless. I hate the way OCD takes over my life, robs me of
my existence my happiness. I decide to have a bath tired of the stress
of showering cold and shivering in an under heated bathroom. I of course
have turned off the central heating, even if we are going out for a
short time I dare not leave it on. Baths are not relaxing however as I
have to shower afterwards feeling unclean having of course washed in my
own dirt. It does not bother most people of course but most people do
not have OCD.
My headaches were a mixture of tension headache and migraine, the
migraine had in fact been alleviated the tension headace was so severe
it had been hard to tell the difference, the tension headache remained but was bearable.
The representative from the council's department of the environment
arrived, we had a long chat - well he talked at length and I interrupted
reiterating much of what I had written anxious to make him understand my
plight. He went to check the recordings promising to telephone and make
an arrangement to come along one night to take a further test of
some sort. He was helpful and sympathetic but I am not hoping too much
as so much depends on circumstances, rules and regulations out of either
my control or the council’s
November 8th
Warning you may find this entry rather morbid as there are references
to death if you are very depressed and have obsessions with
death and dying it might be better to skip this entry.
Finally I have received an appointment to see a psychologist. You
would think that I would be pleased wouldn’t you and yes year’s ago I
would have been but now I find such appointments an ordeal. I have mixed
feelings as I of course would like to be well. I would like to be normal
whatever that elusive state of being is, which after observing most
people it would seem that normal is indeed a rare condition and one that
is not easy to define. Perhaps a better way of putting it would be to
say that I would like to be free of OCD. What would remain afterwards I
do not know as my personality is so bound and interwoven with my OCD, so
much in fact that it will be impossible to extricate myself or have
anyone else help me in this endeavour. Yes I would indeed like to be
free from OCD. I would like never again to suffer anxiety and fear as a
result of intrusive thoughts of death and disaster. I would like to stop
worrying about germs and disease, I am tired of washing my cloths all
the time, washing, showering, decontaminating, avoiding contamination. I
would like to leave the house and not worry that I have not locked the
door or turned off the gas even though I have checked many times. I
would like to go for a drive in the country and not be afraid I will die
or get a migraine or break down or whatever. I would like to walk
through the hills and dales and not to be afraid of contact with dogs
and other animals, I would like to stroke a dog, a cat . I would like to
feed those lovely friendly sheep that we visit in a neighbouring field
near our village. I would like to have friends to call and be able to
socialise. I would like to prepare a meal for another person without
fear that I will contaminate it and the person will die or be ill. I
would like to enter a church or other religious place of worship and not
have blasphemous thoughts. I would liked to choose whatever religion I
like without fear of some dire consequence. I would like to be able to
get on a bus, a train or even an aeroplane to travel abroad. I would
like to walk through the streets without fear of contact by dogs without
looking at every step I take should I step in to dog dirt or
unidentified substances. I would like to go into a shop try on cloths
and not fear either becoming contaminated or passing on contamination. I
would like to write a letter and not feel that what I write will cause
harm and I would like to do so without exhausting myself with hours
spent checking for mistakes and for inadvertently writing something
which my adversely effect to another. In short I would like the normal
freedom that most average people experience without any thought or even
appreciation that they possess such simple and taken for granted
freedom.
I would like to have a mind of my own free from
neurotic terrifying thoughts. I would like to be free from the bondage
of time consuming compulsions I would like to know that my thoughts are
my thoughts and that they do not arise from OCD. I would like to wake in
the morning and not feel afraid or haunted by some awful thought... Well
I could go on and on so many thoughts so many obsessions and
compulsions, my entire life has been utterly spent in useless
occupation and preoccupation and now as I grow older I fear that life will never be
anything other than what it is and this, like the title of the film
about the OCD sufferers, is as good as it gets. Moreover I live in
fear that more unhappiness awaits me as I know it must.
I feel rather guilty now that the time has arrived for me to see a
psychologist and fear that I am now too old to really change and I am
taking an appointment from someone perhaps younger who may have more
chance for real improvement. I also again fear rejection as I have been
rejected for treatment for so long now. I know I will never be like
other people as there are also too many other facets in addition to my
OCD which will prevent my ever being able to function fully. Although my
OCD is my primary condition it is probably the precursor of some of my
other maladies such as my headaches, migraine and depression to some
extent, although I have the feeling that my depression also has a
chemical component and it is not always the result of my OCD. It could
be said therefore that finally ridding myself of OCD or at least having
better control over it may alleviate some of these other very
deliberating problems.
But I have to be entirely honest here in this blog, I do not
anticipate making any real significant improvements as my OCD is
entrenched and so complexly interwoven in all aspects of my existence.
Often I worry about making such negative statements but this is the way
it should be because my blog, which is mostly a personal journal
interspersed with the occasional more blog like entries, is about me, it
is not about self help and how I overcame my OCD or offering timely
advice it is about how awful my life is now and has been as a result of
this dreadful affliction. Not that I do not include some positive
entries from time to time, something more positive from my life such as
my art and other positive issues of a personal nature, as it would serve
no purpose not to occasionally add something more optimistic as a
constant round of negativity helps no one. But even when telling you of
my positive actions whether it be my art work or my holidays and trips
into the countryside
they’re never undertaken with joy or much in the way of satisfaction but
merely to occupy myself and to feel that not everything I do is due to
my OCD, even though of course OCD rears it’s ugly head in every facet of
my life and nothing is free from its influence. Therefore in general the
idea of this blog is to tell you what my life is like living with what
would seem to be intractable OCD without embroidery or embellishment of
any kind.
I am a very negative person my former GP once said to me that I was
the most negative person that she had ever met. Virtually every minute
of everyday I am depressed, it varies from mild to severe but it is
nonetheless always there gnawing away a heaviness round my heart. a
tangible presence. So I have no false hopes that I will very be free of
OCD or ever feel any optimism about life and not see life for what it is
an experience filled with suffering for myself and for other creatures.
Yes there are positive aspects of existence, there is love, there is
beautiful scenery, art, music, good people, animals, flowers, bird song,
waves pounding on the beach but all are marred by loss and unhappiness,
by death and the possibility of non existence.
I have used this analogy
before and will use it again here. Life is rather like Sundays often we
do not enjoy Sunday‘s as it is overshadowed by the thought of returning
to work or school on Monday. And for me as child the mere thought
of returning to school brought such fear that Sundays were marred by
this inescapable reality forced on me against my will by society (You
know just writing about it here I feel once again that clutch of
apprehension and that feeling of fear arising from the pit of my stomach
merely at the thought of this time of my life which was now so long ago)
Life, like Sunday which may not always be enjoyed because of worrying
circumstances that are inevitable and must be faced on Mondays, is
marred by the thought of death and as the years go by for me this is
much more so. Of course this is only my perspective and rather a gloomy
one I know and it will probably not change short of miracle but this is
me, this is how I think, I wish I could change it. There are of course
many others who do not perceive life in such a negative way and I am
happy for them and envy them. Often people will see the positive in the
negative and the perception of the world changes according to our
perspective. St Hildegard of Bingen suffered severe headaches which
neurologists now believe were migraine but she did not see this as
negative where as I cannot possibly see this nightmare of pain and
misery any other way
So I do not hold out much hope of a significant recovery but If I
could gain perhaps a more positive attitude to at least enable me to cope with my
daily life as difficult as it is that would be something. Furthermore I
am not one to completely give up I at least hold some hope that perhaps
one day I just might feel a little more positive, a little less afraid
and have just a little more freedom- even just a mild improvement would be something worth working
towards.
However if nothing else I would just like to know concerning my
assumption than I may have Aspergers syndrome in addition to my
OCD and if my psychologist will least verify or otherwise my assumptions
it will be something. Although I am rather apprehensive about bringing
up the matter after a recent experience when this consideration was
dismissed quite out of hand. I may arrive on the day and lose my nerve
even though it is all written down and all I need to do is hand over the
papers but I may not even get that far, I did not last time. But I am
not asking for much just an assessment or even just a vague opinion if a
full scale assessment is not possible just to give me some idea one way
or another. I am not asking for treatment of any kind if I indeed have
aspergers, all I want is to know one way or another. My OCD is my
primary condtion and I desperately need a bit of help or at least some
support coping with that, but I would simply like to know one way or
another in order to identify with others and to feel that I finally have
a name of some kind for that which makes me feel different from most
everyone else, something indefinable which sets me part alienates me and
of which others are aware, something that is now clearly not a result of
my OCD.
November 9th
This next entry it seems I can say is perhaps a more positive entry
as I will show you some resent photographs taken on one of the most
glorious days I have ever experienced in November. Here a few years ago
in November I would wake to see thick fog hanging like a heavy blanket
shrouding and obscuring not only the country side but the houses right
across the road. The density would last until the afternoon on many
occasions, it would than be cloudy damp and utterly depressing. The kind
of weather that makes anyone feel gloomy not just those of you like me
who suffer with depression. But today it is glorious the sun is bright,
the sky is blue and the air is crisp. It is indeed mild although as we
travel through the hills of the Durham dales it does get rather chilly.
Travelling for reasons already mentioned is anxiety provoking and any
twinge of pain in my head enhances my anxiety further fearing that I may
get a migraine. There are the occasional comments concerning global
warming and other worrying implications of this warm weather which tend
to make one feel rather guilty that one seems to appreciate this
positive side of a potential devastating and life threatening climatic
change. But I am very much aware of the environment and do my best to
support endeavours to reduce the possibilty of this situation becoming
more serious. However notwithstanding these and other anxieties it is
indeed a tonic for ones eyes, ones soul to see the rugged beauty of the
Durham Dales and the Northumbrian countryside bathed in the warm glow
of this unusual weather.
Here are a few photographs taken on our way to visit Hexham Abbey. My
husband and I were taking my brother-in-law over to look round this
ancient church the size of a small cathedral, a spectacular marvel of
medieval architecture an awesome place of peaceful serenity. Yes I have
problems with Blasphemous thoughts and so on but in certain more
impressive churches this is not always the case as such places have to
some extent taken on the appearance of museums rather than places of
worship. When the organ suddenly started up I covered my ears
overwhelmed by the noise nonetheless it was a pleasant to walk through
this place as one gets a feel of the past and it was truly beautiful y
as the shafts of sun streamed through the stained glass windows.
Here are a selection of photographs taken on this very warm day in
November.
Click on image to view larger
version which will open in a new window.
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Derwent Reservoir Northumbria
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Blanchland Northumbria |
The Durham Dales |
November 11th
The coffee bar seems pleasant enough from the opposite side of the
road, it is not too crowded, there appear to be comfortable seats right
near the window close to the door, less claustrophobic. I have arranged
to meet a friend in the city for coffee she suggested meeting in a
different venue from our usual one. I had agreed with some misgivings,
changing routines going to places with which I am not familiar is indeed
anxiety provoking, particularly without the company of my husband who
has taken this time out to wander round the city as he does whenever he
accompanies me to meet this friend. I enter with a pounding heart the
familiar surge of anxiety rising from my stomach to the constriction in
my throat to be met by the usual thump thump thump of music the rhythmic
pulsing of which arrears to effect no one else among the groups of
people eating, drinking and chatting. I feel spaced out disassociated. I
can’t cope, I mean I really can’t cope no matter how awkward or how
embarrassing it will be for me. It does not help that all eyes turn in
our direction. I really do hate that, why do people stare so? And
I do not mean the casual involuntary glance that we all do whenever
someone enters a room. No people stare. It is not my imagination it is
as though they know I am not like them and there is something going go,
something they cannot define . And no it is not that I am paranoid at
least not entirely as my thinking here has been confirmed for me after I
was one referred to as a "peculiar lady" after I had left a public
toilet for no reason that I can think of. I once asked a CPN if I had
that look that is often commonplace with people who have a mental health
problem, that far away stare, the distracted look, the eyes not focusing
you know the look we have all come across it, the spaced out dreamy look
that an employer once accused me of: “walking round in a dream” where
his words. He replied that he did not think that I looked this way
except that I do appear to look sad.
Often the fear of embarrassment and my anxiety of not wanting to
upset another person mitigates my fears to some extent and often I try
to grit my teeth and cope. But no this time I really did not think I
could sit there for an hour trying to make conversation with the
pulsating intrusion of music. I stood there confused undecided yet a
decision needed to be made as my husband was about to disappear round
the corner and I would than have to remain here as he would not know
were we were. I turned to my friend without the usual formality such as
would you really mind if.... I just told her I could not cope with it
here and walked out. I apologized several times but she made little
comment other than to agree to go to our usual venue. I felt guilty but
I just knew I would not be able to hold any kind of a conversation in a
place with music so loud. I feel emotionally fragile right now as
though someone has turned up the dial on my sensitivity levels and I am
completely overwhelmed by noise, crowds, intense prolonged
conversations, too much information, sensations of touch smell and so
on. I suggested we go to the usual place. I had caught up with my
husband telling him to only be half an hour as I was really so
apprehensive filled with anxious worrying scenarios and fearful
imaginings. I am now really afraid to be alone. Even here at our usual
venue I was stressed anxious my friend leaving me to order the coffee
whilst she went to the ladies room. It struck me quite profoundly today
that I am really not coping at all in any area of my entire existence
and just how useless I feel, a grown women of late middle age so
frightened so incompetent, so dependent.
I had arranged to met my OCD friend in the city for coffee as I do
from time to time. I have
mixed feelings about such. I have a lot in common with this lady but
there is that barrier, that social ineptness of mine that dogs all my
associations with other people. I look forward to meeting this person
yet it is an endurance test at times as I feel as though I cannot cope
with socialising on any level feeling more and more awkward in a way not
easy to define. And this is getting worse. It’s not that I am reclusive, indeed no I would love to be able to be part of society to meet
another person whether a stranger, a friend or a relative and engage in
conversation with the ease that other people do without apprehension and
even dread. With my OCD friend it is of course less of a problem
although there are the uncomfortable moments - at least for me perhaps
my friend does not see it this way perhaps she does not even notice -
when I simply do not know what to say or how to respond.
It is not simply my inability to engage in small talk or my mind
cutting out and going blank or my inability to form the words that
convey what is in my mind, if indeed there is anything in my mind at
those times when I can think of nothing at all to say, or all the other
social hang ups that make me look inarticulate, uninterested and
perhaps even uncaring. No there is something else. I feel awkward now in ways not easy for me to
describe when meeting with anyone no matter how well I know them. The
thought of any social event brings anxiety and depression. I have known
this lady now for about three years but still my social anxiety
creeps in and I feel uncomfortable struggling to try to construct a
sentence that is not disjointed, trying to maintain as normal eye
contact as possible, such eye contact as I have said before does not
come naturally. .However I like this person’s company and the situation
here is not as problematic as in other situations as this lady has OCD
she knows there are situations in which I will not feel comfortable even
though she may not herself understand as all sufferers of OCD have their
own fears and anxieties the manifestation of which is often unique to
that individual
I have always had social anxiety problems, any social situation has
always been a challenge. There have been few times in my life that any
type of social commitment as ever come easily even though I have often
sought employment and other areas of social life were I have
needed to be more sociable more at ease with people and where
communication with others is vital. I worked for many years as a sales
assistant, my first job being in rather an up-market store where sales
assistants were required to sell a variety of goods and I mean sell. I
do not mean standing at a till talking the money wrapping up the
purchase and giving change. No one had to sell the goods, make polite
conversation, smile and otherwise be amiable. I was not too successful
but eventually learnt a repertoire of approaches and things to say and I
muddled through and I tried hard to overcome my problems in this regard
which at my age were thought of as merely shyness. I worked for many
years in similar jobs. In my private life I was a Sunday school teacher
in my late teens teaching adults! I can’t believe it now it seems
incredible but again it did not come easy.
I also used to speak in public, for both of which I meticulously
studied writing down precisely word for word what I would say and than
rehearsing it over and over until I barely needed to refer to my
writings. However if anyone asked a question or raised a matter for
which I was not prepared I was lost, tongue-tied, inarticulate.
Fortunately an elderly lady, a more experienced member would step in and
rescue me from these awful embarrassing occurrences, if it were not for
her this would have not been impossible. Now however such would be
impossible there has been a significant deterioration in my ability to
socialise particularly in the ordinary everyday course of events. It is
not a fear of people, it is a fear of not knowing what to say, not being
able to articulate unless it is all prepared, written down planned and
practised. The above activities appear incongruous for a person with social
anxiety however both are easier that being faced with an impromptu
conversation were I need to respond without preparing as is the case of
course in most daily conversations for social interaction. It is a sad
lonely world when you re this way and any contact with another person
becomes an extremely daunting prospect indeed. It is hard enough coping
with OCD without this difficult social anxiety problem. Why is it
getting worse? I am not sure but everything seems right now to be getting
more of a problem and it is rather like a viscous circle the more
difficult my problems with OCD and social anxiety become the more
stressed and depressed I get and this in turn of course accentuates
these problems.
November 12th
There is a hair in the margarine!!!!!! I cannot believe it life seems
so perverse at times as if no matter how hard I try to function like a
normal person the more obstacles arise in my path thwarting my
endeavours. I was trying to bake scones for a visitor, it was difficult
enough anyway without this happening. I had been depressed all morning
at the thought of having to make these preparations. It’s not easy
having anyone in my house and the time is quickly approaching when it
will not be possible at all particularly if today is anything to do by.
It is not only a matter of concern about visitors contaminating my home
although this of course is an enormous anxiety. Particularly trying to
get people to understand why I need them to take off their shoes.
However another problem arises: my fears that I will contaminate them.
As those who have read my memoir and other writings will know my OCD
works both ways and involves fears of becoming contaminated and than
having become contaminated to than in turn inadvertently contaminate
others. I am always anxious that I will inadvertently poison someone or
make them ill. Preparing food and cooking for others is the most
problematic area when these fears are indeed severe and incapacitating.
I have worried and prepared all week going over and over in my mind
what I should do or if indeed it would be best not to prepare anything
myself. Not that buying prepared food from the supermarket would let me
off the hook, no indeed I would find myself checking sell by dates,
contents: are there too many chemicals, is my visitor likely to be
allergic and so on squeezing the packaging to make certain it is sealed
and if it is not than having to buy it anyway so another customer does
not do so inadvertently as would most certainly be the case if I left it
on the shelf as people generally do not squeeze packing to ensure it is
sealed. I could tell a sales assistant but than I cannot trust them to
take the product off the shelves. So as you see it may at first seem to be
less stressful to buy prepared food but certainly not easy or anxiety
free. Our visitor a casual friend was coming for tea. She had said not
to prepare too much but I wanting to be normal and considered that that a batch of scones
would be nice. I had bought food from the shop, packaged biscuits, cakes
and so on but felt this silly compulsion to bake scones despite have
undergone the exhausting and frustrating misery when selecting such
items as described above. I did not want too bake these scones, I knew it
would bring about a lot of anxiety, huge amounts of stress induced
compulsions: hand washing ,washing over and over the cutlery crockery
and utensils required for preparation. There were just so many
complications in addition to this more regular contamination concerns. I
had previously worried ruminating perhaps this person was allergic to
Soya milk - I use Soya milk as I do not eat dairy products but it
worried me should this person be allergic to Soya milk. Silly I know,
yes I try to rationalise this as being unlikely as Soya milk is in most
things nowadays and if she was allergic I am sure she would have
mentioned this, but no the persistent voice of OCD would not give up and
I felt I would have to compromise by using milk which would make me feel
uncomfortable as I am a lactose free vegetarian for moral reasons rather
than for health reasons. I would of course not consume the scones myself
but cooking them was nearly as bad at least according to my perspective.
What a dilemma no wonder I am mentally exhausted at the end of each
day.
This is the way it goes on all the time the complexity of my life
is beyond description. Yes literally, to describe to you every dilemma I
would need to sit here each and every day for every minute of every day
to recount it all than of course the dilemmas would not arise would they
at least not dilemma concerning the above as different dilemmas would
take their place and would present themselves according to what activates
I was involved in and such as writing. That all sounds rather confused
and I hope than you get my drift so to speak. Suffice it to say such
dilemmas present constantly due to the complexity of my OCD as it
entwine itself in every facet of my life.
And to add to the mix, yes literally and metaphorically there is the
problem of my son’s eating obsessions which may appear to all intents
and purposes to be an attempt to improve his health but which I am
beginning to think are the beginnings of an eating obsession which I
have described in an earlier
entry. He has
aspergers syndrome, sufferers of Aspergers syndrome and other autistic
spectrum disorders often have digestive problems. According to my
understanding people on the Autistic spectrum do not digest and absorb
their food properly and this in turn affects their autism and also it is
believed that anyone on the autistic spectrum may have allergies to
certain foods. Now I may not have complete understanding of the the
above and anyone interested should research the matter, suffice it to
say he is now on a very strict and limited diet which includes dairy
free and gluten free. However his eating obsessions go further than this
he prefers to eat only organic and additive free and so on. There is
quite a list of restrictions including also concerns about mixing carbohydrates and protein in
the same meal and so on. There are probably other more insidious food
preoccupations of which I am unaware. Now and again he mentions going on
a raw food diet. Yes it is a good thing to eat
healthily but there is difference between that and being obsessed about
what you eat. And the suffer may not in such cases know the difference
as with most eating disorders there is little insight. His approach to
food, his obsessive relationship with and attitudes to food resemble
those of my sister who was anorexic. Yes the reasons for his diet are
different, he is not counting calories but instead controlling his food
intake for entirely different reasons however this approach has
definitely an obsessive feel to it and I am worried.
I am a lactose free vegetarian and some may consider this to be an
eating disorder in my case simply because of having OCD I might be more
likely to have an eating disorder than perhaps a person who does not
suffer with an obsessive compulsive type illnesses. Yes a casual
observer might see it this way and I do stick to a very strict diet but
I do know the difference: I know that my vegetarianism is undertaken for
my philosophical beliefs that all creatures have an equal right to life
and they should not be used and abused to meet our requirements and that
of course includes slaughtering them for food. This is not an
obsession and I know the difference. For example: Right now it would
appear that I have taken a step further and gone from being a lactose
free vegetarian to a vegan. And yes I guess I have. I have not
previously been a vegan, although I have considered doing so, because
I continue to eat eggs but only free range. At least up until a few days
ago, but now I am not keen on eating eggs at all now because of bird
flu. This reason for not eating eggs is different from my moral and
ethical reasons and is more obsessive compulsive; it has an entirely
different feel towards it as it is something forced upon me by my OCD
anxieties concerning the possibility, whether valid or otherwise, that I
could contract bird flue from eating eggs. So there is a difference a
marked difference albeit to the casual observer this may not appear so.
The issue of sensible eating,
dieting for health or to loose weight is a complex issue indeed. And at
first it might be difficult to know when any of these alterative eating
regimes are appropriate according to the persons circumstances ,beliefs
and so on and when they became serious and life threatening eating
disorders. The area is even more grey and ambiguous when that person has
some form of OCD which is the case with my son who has some mild OCD a
long with anxiety depression and of course aspergers syndrome. So I need
to keep and eye on the situation although of course it is extremely
difficult for a person under the throes of a full blown eating obsession
to realise that he or she has a problem. Often any interference is not
appreciated and is ignored particularly went the relationship is parent
child even if the child is an adult in his twenties. Which was rather
the case with my sister and even when she did recognise that she had an
eating disorder she was reluctant to do much about it as she simply
liked to be thin. As I have said before it is so my much more difficult
to attempt to overcome an obsession or compulsion from which one derives
some satisfaction. My sister had a sense of achievement in not only
seeing her slim figure
( emaciated to everyone else) but she also
experienced great satisfaction in her ability to be as she put it : in
control. She often felt superior to others who did not have this self
control and I had the impression that she was indeed reluctant to
relinquish this facet of her life where she was successful, at least by
her perception.
It is very difficult to know what to do sometimes but for now
whenever I make cakes we use gluten free flour. However in situations
such as this I could not really expect a visitor to eat gluten free
scones. It has to be said that at the moment the ones I make are less
palatable although commercially baked gluten free cakes taste similar to
ones baked with wheat flower. But as such is enormously expensive I tend
to bake my own. However the taste and texture is not the only concern
here of course as OCD will also add to the mix of misery by telling me
that I can’t cook gluten free for a guest should she be allergic to the
different types of flour used. So here I am, trying to bake separate
batches of scones, trying to keep them separate not to contaminate my
son’s food with wheat flower and at the same time obsessively washing
and drying the crockery and cutlery panicking over clean tea towels or
the lack thereof. My husband wanted to help and yes it would be easier if
he had cooked them but he had only just been gardening and even with
careful examination I was anxious that his hands may not be clean
enough. I was really at my wits end utterly overwhelmed, sometimes just
standing there immobile frustrated not knowing quite what to do than all
of a sudden despite all my hand washing there is this hair right in the
margarine after measuring the flower and sugar into separate bowels and
adding the margarine there is minute hair. Unbelievable! I feel so
victimised by the entire universe as though I cannot win after all that
obsessing washing and so on to finally now I have no choice but put both
these mixtures
in the bin.
I had not the energy or the inclination to cook more scones and ended
up at the supermarket obsessing about package cakes and their content in
the way described above. Finally our guest arrived two hours early
without notification . I had just started to feel as though a headache
was coming on and I had to sit throughout the entire afternoon with a
worsening headache that became migraine. I felt so wretched and hopeless
as if by some design life is made purposely a living hell for me. I do
of course recognise the reality of the situation and that is that I have
so many illnesses it is in fact unrealistic of me to think that it is
unlikely that one or another of them will not rear its ugly head at just
about any time. Moreover I often fail to note when a headache or other
problem has not occurred to make life difficult; not every time I make
an arrangement or wish to be somewhere do I get headache or migraine
but at times particularly when other circumstances leave me feeling
frustrated and miserable it does rather seem that way.
I tried my best to appear to function, trying to manage despite my
pain and the fear hoping that my visitor would not notice. I did not
want my visitor to think that I wanted her to leave . Despite all the
problems I like this person’s company she knows nothing of my OCD and
the conversation flows with more ease than it does with most people as
more general subjects of interest are discussed. But somehow I managed
right up until the time she left. Somehow on this occasion it was easier
to suffer the pain than have to suffer the guilt if she had left early.
Fortunately my migraine was not too severe sometimes they take several
hours before reaching the stage when they re unmanageable.
After all the worrying my visitor did not eat one thing, no not one thing
She is slim very slim.... I wonder........ in retrospect I cannot recall
her ever eating much of anything she always plies us with food but
touches little of it herself.
November 14th
Today was a typical autumnal
day, dull, overcast with a mixture of sunshine, windy but nonetheless
pleasant, the tress still attractive with leaves of a variety of browns,
reds and yellows swayed in the breeze and leaves blew by in fluttering
eddies. We went for a trip to the Yorkshire dales and found the most
secluded and picturesque waterfall. Although it is small it is in such a
tranquil setting as it was situated off the main road down a little
track secluded unnoticed and in fact had I not been looking out of the
window in the right direction at the right time we would have driven
straight past it. I must admit when I was standing there admiring
this tumbling torrent I did wonder if in fact I would actually find this
noise an irritation after a while. Sometimes noise is all a matter of
perspective just because this noise is natural does that necessarily
mean it is pleasant. The traffic near to a friend of ours who
lives close to a three lane major road often reminds me of the sea
washing on the shore, in fact his lady made this comparison also, yet
because the noise results from the intrusion of traffic it is annoying,
intrusive and profoundly irritating in fact and I can barely sit
outside in her garden. For over twenty-five years we had lived
also near a major road and yes it was irritating and very loud in the
garden and I would often resent it so much, but we had no choice but to
live there as we could not afford to live elsewhere but mostly I coped
with it. Where we live now there is main road but it is not as
busy nonetheless I am finding it very difficult to cope with it and the
noise somehow is different, it is continuous and has a different quality
of sound. As I listen to the roar of this waterfall my husband remarked
how lovely it would be too have a house close by. But just lately I am
not so sure as my hearing is so sensitive and any loud and continuous
noise begins now to drive me crazy. I wonder why my sensitivities in
this regard have become so heightened. But it was a delightful place a
place I would image not frequented by many people and as I stood there
at least for that short space of time the flow of the water as it
cascaded down was indeed soothing. This water fall is situated in the
direction of a place called believe or not Crackpot :-) that got some
laughs.
After my husband and I had
taken several photographs I thought what lovely desk top wallpaper a
picture of this pleasant place would make would make, so below is a thumb
nail to a larger picture and a also a link to my husband's photo page
where you can down load a copy of this photograph for desk top wall
paper.
Click on image to view larger
version which will open in a new window.
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Waterfall
Crackpot Yorkshire |
Click here for desk top
wallpaper
John's
photographs
November 16th
I saw my new psychologist today
for the first time. I do feel hopeful that he may be able to at least
alleviate some of my OCD to make it easier for me to cope with it and
perhaps lead a fuller life. It would be unwise at this juncture to raise
my hopes too high as there are three or four asessment sessions and than
he will decide whether or not he is able to help me. I was rather
anxious inasmuch as he has the notion that there are parts of my
personality that are not effected by my OCD and that there also
must remain areas of my life that are also unaffected by OCD. Why must there be I ask myself?
Perhaps he is correct and I do not recognise such areas, but if they do
exist they are minimal. For the most part I tend to feel that OCD has eroded my entire
existence. It is there in every thought, in every action. I in all
honesty with no exaggeration cannot tell you what thoughts are mine and
what are OCD. Yes I know the intrusive thoughts that fire the
compulsions are born of OCD but it's the other less well defined areas.
Such as my preoccupation with religion, my over scrupulous nature and my
hypersensitive conscience. What part of these thoughts and beliefs and
thinking processes originate from me and which part originate from my
OCD. Do I think about the meaning of life and have a keen interest in
religion and philosophy because I am an obsessive-compulsive? If I
did not have OCD would I give such matters much thought. Concerning my
hyper feelings of guilt, would my conscience be less sensitive if I did not have OCD? Would
I be quite so overly scrupulous if it were not for OCD. Sometimes I
grow tired of feeling guilty: I grow weary of putting others first
because I will be tormented by guilt if I do not. Are such feelings
indicative that most of my guilt, scrupulosity and over responsibility
do indeed arise from my OCD But surely not all of it. The question is
how do sort out which is which.
Now I am quite ill
with one thing or another and yet always I think of others and than get
angry frustrated because they never think of me or even appreciate what
I do. This goes right across the board and not just concerning people I
know and with whom I associate. I find it difficult to say no, I am
really not well or hey I would actually like to live my own life for a
change. I have had hell of a life, many days spent alone when my husband
and son were at work, alone to contend with severe OCD and appalling
headaches, there was no one there to help me. I often consider that my
OCD would have been alleviated with the support of others, it is not an
illness that you can go it alone sufferers deteriorate when left to
their own devices. When left alone to contend with the overwhelming
influx of intrusive thoughts and consequent compulsions the inundated
sufferer is more likely to give in to the onslaught of taunting
tormenting thoughts which precipitate the time consuming life destroying
compulsions. But people were just too busy. An acquaintance asked me to
visit her but each time I did she was on her way out. A neighbour came
with a bunch of flowers and left rushing off somewhere, the flowers
merely a gesture to placate her conscience. I would rather have had her
company, her support. Others seemingly have no difficulty saying no even
if they do feel a little guilty they nevertheless do not allow it to
effect them, they do not have OCD tormenting them into offering help
they are not willing or able to give. Does the fact that I feel a little
resentful indicate that if it were not for my OCD I would in fact be
more like the people mentioned above?
It is no ones fault that I tend
to meet the needs of others often to my detriment and no one has
deliberately tired to take advantage of my good nature, if indeed I have
a good nature and it is not simply my OCD. But people will accept
offers of help and they will let you do this and that if you offer or accept
their request to do so. Many people these days seem in need of help in
some way or another and there are few people who will help others so when anyone is willing others will except.
But I am weary of the
hypersensitive conscience that whispers, no screams to me it is your
responsibility, if you do not comply you or another will die or you will
be tormented by guilt and regret. I am tired of being over scrupulous.
No I do not mean I wish to be dishonest or a self centred and uncaring
person but I need to get a more normal attitude and not to behave in a
certain way which is mostly detrimental to myself simply because of the
torment of OCD. I am quite ill right now as I sit here struggling to
write all this I have a severe headache. I
had one yesterday and the day before and yesterday I went out mostly for
the sake of another the guilt was simply too overwhelming to say no.
People simply do not understand that you are incapable of saying no, it
is not their fault.
These facets of OCD, the ones
not clearly defined are difficult to separate and to know what is going
on, what rises from your OCD and what arises from the real you.
OCD is for me personally a very
complex and insidious disorder so interwoven now into my life I have
little hope of untangling the tight grip of this complex web of misery.
Nonetheless I am hopeful although the prospect of writing down each time
I get a thought which precedes an OCD compulsion is indeed
overwhelming. This is my first assignment and part of the assessment
process. There are just so many thoughts which precede actions or
compulsions or other thoughts, which in turn lead to other thoughts,
other actions such is just too complicated to write down or separate
one thought or behaviour from another. But I must wait and see and do my
best for this will probably be my last chance.
November 17th
Finally after another two weeks
of the tormenting misery of indecision today I publish my entries for
the last couple of weeks. Yes you have heard that particular
lament many times before as this problem of course is on going and
presents each time I have to write something that others will read. I am
never satisfied and obsess. No matter what it is I write about when it
comes to clicking the publishing button I am riddled with doubts and
procrastinate. I am still not happy with the entry about free
floating anxiety, it is repetitive I know but I seem incapable of
altering it and must publish it as it is or not at all. This is one of
the more complex facets of my OCD, an area of obsessive compulsive
behaviours were it is difficult to know what would be normal and what
would be seen as an OCD behaviour.
I make mistakes, plenty of them, I
always have, I believe I may have ADD, there is also another problem
difficult to define. No matter how many times I check written work, weeks
later if I check again there will invariably be a number of mistakes,
silly inaccuracies that I should have seen when engaged in the umpteen
repetitive checking sessions, obvious mistakes that my teachers at
school referred to as careless errors. Yet I fail to see them. So
it could be said that I need to check, any one who writes anything
checks it at least once but probably not several times, but the problem
is for me that no matter how many times I check there will always be
errors so what would be normal for a person like me who has this
problem. The other anxiety concerning written work as those of you who
have read my blog will know is fears that I will inadvertently write
something that might cause harm to another or encourage someone to take
an action that might be of detriment. This is I guess for the most part an OCD
anxiety. However one does have to bear in mind what one writes
particualry if one is writing to a friend or acquaintance whom one knows
personally. This of course brings me to the next consideration:
Concerning writing things which may cause harm it could be said that
anyway for the most part what I have written would not be seen by a
normal person as being in anyway harmful. This again is probably another
grey area as for the most part what I perceive as causing potential harm
may not necessity be the case and
therefore these anxieties may not anyway be normal thoughts and are the
result of an intrusive and worrying OCD thinking. It is complex indeed.
Now I am now obsessing that all
that rather complicated rambling above appears incoherent and confused
and I could delay further and not publish until tomorrow while I waste
more of my precious life occupied in several frustrating checking
sessions, further obsessing, ruminating and altering. Such is the
torment of OCD, it nearly drive me crazy crazy aaagggghhhhhhh
November 18th
If my psychologist is only able to help me with my hyper-guilt it
would be something. Guilt as a result of an over sensitive conscience
has been my undoing all my life but just lately because I am plain and
simply not well it has become a terrible burden, the torment of which is
significant. Yes this is an OCD issue. Many people who are not sufferers
and even some professionals seem to think that OCD is all about
contamination and checking the two most common manifestations of this
disorder. And yes they are the most prevalent and indeed amongst the
most misery inducing , time consuming and pervasive facets of OCD which
will devour you life as indeed they have devoured mine. But there are
other manifestations of OCD and being over responsible with a
hypersensitive conscience riddled with the torment of guilt is one of
the most miserable. I guess this comes under the category of
scrupulosity OCD and it is a type of OCD that is little understood
generally, at least in my experience, but just like contamination OCD it
can seriously take away your life, at least your quality of life but who
knows in serious cases it may even take your life if you constantly give
way to the OCD tormenter who uses guilt and fear to make you do things that you
are not able to do or are not well enough to do or even really do not
care to do.
I would not say for one moment that every good deed I have done was
because of the influence of OCD. No indeed all my life since childhood I
wanted to help others and as a child I wanted to help the starving in
Africa and during adulthood I have done many things to help others such
as working as a voluntary helper for Oxfam for ten years and I was happy to do so. And mostly
throughout my life when someone has needed help I have given it. However
gradually OCD has made such endeavours complicated and now I am often
unsure of my motivations. Just lately it seems that most things I do are
precipitated by my OCD anxieties that something awful may happen to
either a loved one or myself if I do not
concede to the
dictates of intrusive thoughts telling me that I have to take this or
that action to help another even though due to my ill health
it is of detriment to myself. Again if I were not as ill with CDH,
migraine and all the other maladies of which I have mentioned here I
would most probably do so willing, but now I am just too ill to really do
much to help another and I am racked with guilt and torment and my life
is a misery of trying to do something for someone else feeling resentful
because it is under the duress of OCD. The guilt is unbearable and I
tend to give in to its tormenting insistence, but than I have to fight
the pain of a headache or other illness along with terrible fear that I
am simply not up to the task. Moreover it is that not knowing which
motivations arise from ones true personality rather than from ones OCD. When
one is driven by the dictates of OCD resentment arises along with
frustration, it is hard enough when the motivation is clear however when
there is doubt and you end up not knowing what desires, endeavours
motivations and so on come from you or from your OCD it is pure misery. I
guess in most cases I would want to help others and would do so with or
without the influence of OCD as this is who I am, however it is knowing
my limitations and learning how to help others in accordance with them
rather than under the duress of OCD that and it is this that lies at the crux
of the matter.
After a lifetime of OCD
one doubts every thought, every emotion, every idea or consequent action,
questioning whether such arises from OCD or from a more normal thinking
process and now I can honestly tell you I do not know the difference.
And this of course is the case concerning all my manifestations of OCD. I
feel sometimes as though the persistent indecision, fear, guilt and doubt, are destroying me as there is no
time that I am free from one or the another of them in additional to
the constant onslaught of all my other OCD symptoms
November 19th
Looking out my window I can see into the factory car park, a familiar
car which each day is parked there it is covered with think frost as
though it has been there all night. The thought comes to me that whoever
owns the car is still inside and has been there all night, he or she may
have collapsed or is dead. My husband who went past a while ago says the
gates are locked confirming for me my anxious fears. Another over
responsibility issue? Although it is unlikely of course that this
tragedy has befallen anyone as I would imagine that unless this person
lives alone he or she would have been missed by now. But still I worry.
I feel anxious and afraid, yes concerned for the person who may be in
dire straits and need of help but also fearful of the effect that not
taking action because of feeling silly due to the unlikelihood that this
was anything other than an overactive OCD scenario would have upon my
life as the guilt of my inaction would be my final undoing.
In
retrospect this scenario was unlikely yet it was possible was it not.
Neither my husband or son gave it much consideration, my son telling
me in the humorous way he does when he mildly but good humoured makes
fun of my concerns that I cannot call the police because there is a car
in the factory car park with a bit of frost on it. But still I worried
if only I knew whether or not it had indeed been there all night , but I
didn't neither did my son nor my husband. I worried about how I would
feel when it became night-time and no lights were on in the factory and this car was still
there. Fortunately later on another car arrived and park alongside the
first car so I was able to assume that if there was a problem it would
now come to the attention of the new arrival. Most people would have
taken no notice or assumed like my husband that perhaps the car had
broken down and had been left there or it had simply been there since
the morning . Such is the torment of over responsibility, doubt and the
continuous and very creative OCD thoughts that turn every situation into
one of worry, doubt, indecision and appalling torment.
November 22nd
It’s another cold but very bright day, I know I like the sunny
weather but this biting cold seems to be getting too me. This morning I
really feel so depressed as though I would really rather not do anything
much at all other than curl up in a corner. Usually on Mondays we go out
somewhere a drive out into many of the scenic areas of natural unspoiled
beauty or to places of interest in our region. But today it is as though
I feel I have lost the motivation to do so. In addition to my usual
fears about getting a migraine and my health problems such as IBS I
really feel just too depressed as if life in general along with with all
my illnesses including of course OCD is just getting too much for me and
I would just rather stay at home than contend with all the problems that
these maladies, illnesses, conditions disorders or whatever you want to
call them impose on me. It is just so tempting today to stay at home,
but besides my inability to say no to both my husband and son who seem
keen to go despite the bitter cold, I fear that if I start giving in to
my illnesses and staying at home than the time will come when I will
just be either too afraid to go out or I will simply feel that I no
longer wish to do so, it is so easy to give into apathy and fear.
It is bad enough that I cannot go out alone, not that I have any real
desire to do so, but I certainly do not want find myself unable to go
out at all. Moreover if I were to stay at home I would not only feel
guilty but I would start to regret my decision and than begin to wish we
had gone and as a consequence become more depressed. Concerning fear and anxiety the more we give into them the more
difficult it gets to face or stand against them and soon your life is
gone eroded away as your periphery of existence becomes increasingly
more confined. And this of course applies to every facet of your life
were anxiety seeks to trap you within its limited confines.
With regard to my social anxiety problem this has indeed
been the case; the less I attempt to socialise the more I avoid people,
the more I allow my husband to answer the telephone the more
incapacitated and the more difficult it becomes for me to make any kind
of society contact with anyone. And the same applies with going out. Yes
I feel weary and I am genuinely ill and no one much seems aware of this
fact and few understand quite how awful it is to go out with the
illnesses that I have but if I stay in all the time in this house which
because of the noise and other problems my mood will deteriorate.
Besides the scenery and the places of interest are now about the only
things which mitigate the awfulness of my life here.
I was really quite depressed and angry yes angry that no one appeared
to notice just how depressed I was and how reluctant I was to go. But I
have to understand that neither my husband or son are aware of the subtle
signs which possibly indicate another is thinking as my son as Aspergers
syndrome and I am pretty certain that my husband may also be somewhere
on the autistic spectrum. For this reason I somehow have to come to
terms with the fact that I will have to say right out that I do not feel
well , but because of my OCD fear about changing plans, altering possible
outcomes, changing fate whatever I am mostly too afraid to do so and
often go out feeling angry and irritated
But finally when we arrived it was a relatively pleasant day despite
the cold although of course all my OCD anxieties difficult to
categorise of course spoilt my trip out, they always do, today was be no
different form any other day in that regard. And I had a few headaches
twinges and panicked that I would get a migraine and I was forever
looking for a toilet and so on but it was nonetheless nice to get out
and see the marvellous countryside here and after a while I was glad I
went.
We had gone over to Rievaulx Abbey a ruined twelfth
century monastery situated in a picturesque valley in the Yorkshire
moors. We have been many times, it is a tranquil place filled with an
atmosphere of the past, of quieter more laid back times when life seemed
less complicated. Of course such is a misconception underneath the
romantic facade of peaceful devote monks participating in contemplative
worship life here would have been harsh in the twelfth century, when
comforts we take so for granted to day did not exist or where meagre,
the diet limited, the climate more severe than that of today. By now
there would have been snow, it would be bitterly cold with no heating
except in one room called the warming room were monks could seek a short
respite from the cold for a while during their busy day. As I wandered through
these ruins as I have done on several occasions I wondered what life
would have been like for someone such as myself back than who had
religious OCD. OCD was most likely in those days the most usual
manifestation of this disorder during this time in history when peopled
lived their lives influenced by religion and many men and indeed women
sought the monastic cloistered life of religious devotion. I thought how
nightmarish it would have been than when this type of OCD would have
seemed more real, less easily challenged and certainly little
understood. I would imagine that one most certainly would have
considered oneself to be possessed and most certainly this assumption
would have been readily validated by others particularly in the close
confinement of such a place dedicated solely to religious pursuit.
Here
are a few photographs of our trip out taken by my son Kevin.
Click on picture to view larger image which will open into a separate
window.
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Rievaulx Abbey
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Rievaulx Abbey
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View near Rievaulx Abbey |
River North York Moors |
For more photographs by Kevin please visit his website
Fine
Art and go to the download page.
November 28th
Hopefully I will publish the above entries today. I have had an
exceptionally difficult time concerning my anxiety about publishing
something which may cause harm and much of what I have written over the
last couple of weeks or so has been deleted. I tried, I really did
reading over it during the last three or four days altering, cutting
bits out ,but no I will never publish again if I do not entirely delete the
anxiety provoking entries. Giving in this way is very depressing indeed
and this facet of my OCD is getting a more difficult enemy with which to
contend as like all OCD problems it grows, the more you give in to it
the more it wants, it is never satisfied until you give in entirely and
either avoid the activity altogether or become increasingly frustrated
and incapacitated by it. Moreover it is depressing, so depressing and
demoralising to have spent hours writing something, which is of course
no easy matter for me, only to finally delete it. Yes I promised myself
that I will keep the entry elsewhere until I am confident or brave
enough to include it but of course after the passing of so much time it
will be meaningless even though it is not the kind of entry that relates
to the chronology of my immediate life events. The sad thing is that after I have
published it I would quite likely forget about it after a while. This I
guess is one of the advantages of a poor memory and beside some other
torment would take
its place until the next time when once again my OCD will seek to
destroy this endeavour as much as it has done every other thing I have
tried to do with my life.
So my entries are limited over the last few days, well at least they
appear to be as a lot has been deleted.
Sometimes I feel so filled with disappear as though nothing will ever
be right for me and life becomes one weary round of contending with one
or another of the illnesses which plague me. Now as I sit here a headace
which bothered me during the night is gathering momentum. I Have a
difficult day ahead one in which I need to be well , well as in headache
free, but it is not looking good for me in this respect. If I could rid
myself of these headaches it would be something as they add greatly to
the torment of OCD as do all co morbid condtions including my social
integration problems. No illness stands in isolation, all maladies
effect each other and the burden of all the difficulties which plague me
intertwine to make my life into some complex web of misery.
November 29th
Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace
will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow
their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares
will drop off like autumn leaves.
John Muir
Well... Okay I did not climb the mountains but today my husband, my
brother in law and I went for a drive in the district of Teesdale Co
Durham on this gloriously sunny but bitterly cold winter’s day. I was as
usual not too keen, the mornings are for me the worse time of the day,
anxieties and depression present more profoundly and my perspective is
distorted by them. Early in the morning the village had been swathed in
a thick blanket of swirling fog and the news bulletin on TV had issued a
warning of black ice. I am now very anxious of travelling as you already
know of course if you have read my blog but on days such as this when
warnings have been issued I am even more anxious and cautious therefore despite
my OCD issues of changing plans we postponed setting out for an hour
hoping the weather would be less hazardous.
I regretted this later on as every hour counts during the short days
of winter. The weather was truly amazing. I do not enjoy the winter, the
short days often with dull overcast skies and penetrating cold add a new
dimension of misery to my life and enhance my depression. But today the
weather was fantastic, even the trees with their bare branches seemed to
change the landscape allowing us to see things previously hidden by the
profusion of summer leaves, such as the turbulent river winding its way
parallel to the road. We also caught a glimpse of High Force the highest
waterfall in the UK, it is inaccessible for my brother-in-law because of
his disabilities and when the leaves are out in summer it cannot be seen
from the road. The remnants of snow on the hills were indeed
breathtaking in the glitter of a clear blue sky. And yes even for me the
most negative and down cast of individuals for a short time while we
were out it did uplift my spirit and I was glad that I had finally gone.
Sometimes if we stay at home in the same old familiar place where we
have experienced so much unhappiness we can become bogged down in our
misery, as though our sadness has a life of its own and it's vibes for
want of a better word have spread the pervasive unhappiness over the
entire house, as though its has penetrated every room you enter. The
familiar surroundings tends to enhance
your unhappiness by presenting you with reminders of previous days when
your life has been blighted by your suffering. Taking a break from it,
albeit difficult for those of us with anxiety disorders of any kind, can
make a positive difference even if only for a short time and when you
return it is as though some of the negativity has been dispelled
from your home.
I think now of how difficult it must be for an agoraphobic trapped
inside unable to escape the pervasive negative energies of their
suffering. I know my sister become very depressed indeed during the time
when she was severely agoraphobic, she found comfort in eating to the
extent that she put on enormous amounts of weight which may have
eventually precipitated her anorexia nervosa.
I have my fears about going out and it is a real battle sometimes -
no that is not true, it is a real battle every time! Each and every
time there is the fear, the reluctance and misery due to this fear is
terrible, depressing beyond description. The conflict of wanting to go
out but the misery and anxiety of facing my fears to do so presents a
tremendous inner struggle. The agonising frustrations of it all adds
more momentum to my existing anxieties. But if you can get out and have
a change of scenery, tired and trusted advice I have heard all my life,
than it may be of benefit on some occasions. Of course it has to be said
this will vary depending on the type of anxiety from which you suffer,
its manifestation, its severity and the existence of other problems. For
me personally, even with my fears which were by no means absent and my IBS
and anxiety about headaches, some how on that particular day I managed to
enjoy this ride through the countryside stopping off at a pub along the
way, a quiet remote establishment with fantastic views and friendly
service.
Here are a few photographs. It is said that the camera never lies. No
it does not but it does fall short in portraying just how superb this
scenery is, you can never appreciate the grandeur of such scenery merely
from photographs. Notwithstanding such drawbacks I hope you enjoy this
selection of photographs.
Click on picture to view larger image which will open into a separate
window.
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Disclaimer :
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and
have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries .
However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not
necessarily reflect my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
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