Finally I am back on-line
although the problem with my computer was sorted out earlier
this week. The thing is I feel just too depressed lately to
add many entries . Life right now seems so overwhelming.
Naturally for a sufferer of
OCD contamination I am freaked out by the treat of a pandemic
although I imagine everyone of course is anxious.
We had or so I understand
pandemics in 1957 and 1965. I can't recall the first but the
latter I remember well, at least the issue which most effected
everyone when those who contracted this illnesses called Asian
flu went down with it on Christmas day.
I can see my sister now in
my minds eye in the middle of Christmas dinner she became ill,
nether I nor my parents where effected. However I do not recall
the hysteria that we are experiencing with swine flu, perhaps
this flu is more severe.
Its a tough time for
everyone but for everyone with OCD contamination anxieties our
existing fear may well be intensified by the present situation.
The other day ridden by
anxiety we asked at the pharmacy about surgical masks only to be
met with some incredulity on the behalf of the pharmacist. I had
to get my husband to ask of course my social interaction
difficulties have been much worse of late and stringing a
sentence to together seems more difficult now that ever before
in my life.
Well what with one thing
and another it is a wonder I can think straight at all.
I had so looked forward to
this spring and summer as it may be the last we will be able to
afford trips out and our so doing will become much more
infrequent due to falling standards of living as a result
escalating prices at such frequency and in huge increments. In our
regular supermarket a change of 98 pence for one cabbage which
looked more like an overgrown Brussels sprout! I can recall
paying only about 50 pence a month or two back for one twice the
size.
Looks like the greedy
businesses are determined to make as much money as usual despite
the recession which greed has caused in the first place. I have
really no idea what it is all about except for the fact that it
will be those of us who have had to manage on very little who
now of course have to continue doing so on considerably less.
May 8th
Today I woke with a
migraine, after taking medication I was still left with
considerable pain from a tension headache which persisted all
day. For some reason my pain killers will not alleviate a
tension headache.
We had arranged to go to
the Lake District hoping for a repeat of the reasonably pleasant
day we had back in April (see earlier entry) . But alas this was
not to be.
I was anxious in case my
tension headache became migraine again as I cannot take further
medication for
many hours . The weather forecast was not good , the outlook was
for persistent rain in the afternoon.
But we having made plans
can't cancel or revise them; none of us can for reasons of his
or her own alter our plans because of anxiety. I was
anxious and as is often the case when out and about my bladder
and bowels goes into overdrive and the whereabouts of a toilet
is of paramount importance. I really felt so weary in and out of
public toilets;contamination anxiety and the sheer frustration
of the necessity to do so made worse by having a headache.
I cannot begin to tell you
about the constant stream of thoughts that pour into my mind and like
the torrent of a raging river they seem to flow on
unabated.
My son who is interested in
old churches for historical and architectural reasons rather
than religious wished to visit an old church and ruined Victorian
Gothic style Castle at Lowther. It was chilly, the sky a blanket
of grey cloud, I really needed to use the toilet so there was no enjoyment
for me at all. There was of course no toilet here, there
never is in most smaller villages even when there is a tourist
attraction and after our visit we had to go back to a
neighbouring village we had passed through.
We had also planned a short
walk and I mean short as I was just too scared my headache would get out of
control, if we were too far from the car it would be an
ordeal. But it rained and I mean torrential and at one time we
could not get out of the car it was so heavy. But I can be bloody
determined at times, if I don't make some effort I feel
depressed so whenever remotely possible I make every effort notwithstanding rain or in this case
monsoon - at least it felt that way -, I was going for a walk
albeit very short.
We followed the winding
road through the mountains looking for a foot path ascending to
be treated by an amazing view of Lake Ullswater. We came to a
stop near where a foot path followed the shore of the lake. I
determined to follow the path along the lake. No
one in sight. It was absolutely pouring down. A bedraggled
Hardwick sheep and her tiny lamb where standing near the gate
looking soaked and dejected.
The ewe was lame and the
lamb was bleating pitifully. As we opened the gate the tiny lamb
bleated even more loudly. They say that animals cannot cry but
her bleating came close enough as you can hear from the videos
below, it was heart breaking. The poor little creature looked in
such a state. I felt like crying and wished I could pick up both
her and her mother and take them to some place warm and dry. The
lamb's wool was completely drenched.
When we arrived they had
both moved to stand by the gate which led into the field through
which we intended to walk to reach the footpath, their intent
was obvious they wanted us to let them in. As sheep graze freely
here in the mountains we where unsure that these two belonged in
this field but at least the field provided a little additional
shelter as there where were a couple of trees. So we let them in
but the mother and lamb became separated and it was quite a time
before we could reunite them. The lamb stood stock still on the
bridge which led over a fast flowing stream and bleated and
bleated it was a heart wrenching sound. In the confusion
mum had not noticed and continued to walk or rather painfully
limp towards the trees and into the field beyond. Her lamb
however refused to move than suddenly went in all directions
except the one in which her mother had gone. We where anxious
that she would get lost and never find her mother as it was
highly possible that this field led into another and may be into
the mountains where sheep graze freely. In the finish and in
sheer desperation and despite my fears I picked up the lamb. The
poor little thing struggled and I had to put her down fearful of
dropping her.
All the time the rain
poured relentlessly. We could not leave her to her fate and
somehow, it took over half an hour, we gently directed her
towards her mother. In-between I had to go to the car to wash my
hands the lamb was so muddy. I always carry bottles of water and
soap. It was rather a nightmare and one I hope never to have to
repeat, the traumatised lamb ran this way and that I was
wondering if we were ever going to reunite them. Than suddenly
the mother appeared from round the corner of a wall and was
reunited with her lamb.
As you will see in the
video below this lamb was not very old, she was such a tiny
creature clearly distressed by the misery of the cold and wet.
Surely at the very least a warm barn with straw could be
provided for tiny new born lambs, and those sheep who are lame,
for them to seek shelter in such extreme conditions. Though I
consider it not unreasonable that shelter be provided for all
sheep and other farm animals.
My headache was much worse
after the ordeal.
it was indeed a stressful
day in one way or another. At about 4 the sun came out
The quality if this video
is not too good I wanted to make a point concerning the misery
of sheep and other farm animals left exposed to the severity of
the weather without shelter of any kind.
These videos
are short and rather shaky, as seeing animals in such a
condition was extremely upsetting. However despite such both
videos show the awful conditions that sheep have to endure in
the frequent extremes of weather we have here in the UK. Surely
no one seeing these animals can possibly believe that they are
used to such conditions, the little lamb's distress is so
obvious. As we attempted to reunite her with her mother I had to
pick her up, the poor little thing was covered in mud.
There are more of our
videos on U tube
May 20th
Well I have been feeling rather stressed lately
...well very stressed, sometimes I feel on the verge of a
breakdown and yesterday my neck problems and my aches and pains
took a turn for the worse so probably won't write much here
today. My son also seems at the end of his tether as the saying
goes, it is not easy when all members of one family are
struggling with similar problems as there is no stabilising
influence as my husband also is now somewhat obsessive and
anxiety ridden, but due to depression rather than having OCD.
Life seems so complicated lately and our ability to cope with
the constant demand of day to day living is on the decline,
everyday it seems like a challenge as though for me personally
its a war with both my mind and my body. My OCD has taken a turn
for the worse and everything I do say or think is in some way
effected with some type of OCD behaviour or thought.
I had intended to include
some further entries, like the one above about our day out, that I had written in a diary, the regular kind
with pens and paper, but really not up to it right now.
To make matters worse I
have really messed up the format of this blog. Whilst attempting
to archive past entries I have, in a state of muddled confusion
a now quite common state of mind, deleted many of the links on a
good number of pages. I am getting rather confused increasingly more
so lately; organising things has never been easy but just
recently it seems impossible. It will take such a long time to
sort it out and right now I feel too depressed to do so. You
probably will not actually notice any difference as I will not
be uploading these pages. However this means that this page will
not be accessed from any of the other pages because I can't
update them to include a link to this page. Its complicated and
there is little point in my explaining this to those of you who
are still visiting my website, and I would not blame you if you
were not as there is little point in visiting a website that is
not updated. I will sort it out I hope sometime but right
now I simply can't cope with it. I can't even get my head round
it to do so.
I have exhausted myself
with my new website I know, feeling a great need to do
something, anything to make a difference to the appalling
cruelty that happens to millions of animals each and every day,
even it is only write about it hoping I may make someone think
about the way animals are treated in factory farms and other
exploitative circumstances. If only one person becomes
vegetarian or vegan or takes other action because of my website
it will have been worth it.
There have recently been
updates: one article which has taken weeks to complete and about
which I have obsessed and photos.
I hope to get back to
making more regular entries here but just lately I have lacked
the motivation not only due to being preoccupied with the new
website but due to depression which sometimes makes it difficult
to write about how I feel. Also the compulsion to check and all
the obsessing that goes into these entries has sapped my
motivation. In fact I did not think I was going to update this
month at all and only forced myself to do so to day with sheer
determination.
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including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have
selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the
comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect
my own opinions.
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when
there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
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comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
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