Save the Sheep! > You Can Help!

Whatever action you can take will help stop these atrocities.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Martin Luther King

 

May 11th

Every act of life, from the morning toothbrush to the friend at dinner, became an effort. I hated the night when I couldn't sleep and I hated the day because it went toward night.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

I have used this quotation before in both my website and blog because it is just so apt a description of what it feels like when you are depressed. It describes so well how little everyday things once attended to with little thought become a huge effort, a monumental struggle, a burden difficult to bear. Often what once seemed normal and common place tasks, which most people undertake without even a thought, gradually begin to feel like a burden, something you become to dread, finding it difficult to even contemplate these tasks which were once done without much forethought. Brushing your teeth is a common area of neglect for people who are depressed, in fact any little routine task is dreaded, put off . Washing and showering and washing of clothing and keeping the house clean are often other areas of neglect for those who are very depressed, although for me personally as a sufferer of OCD my contamination OCD cancels this out as the compulsions concerning contamination are just too powerful and override on most occasions the apathy concerning such tasks which might otherwise arise.

Nonetheless depression increases the burden of this misery as I drag my weary sorry self to complete the dictates of these decontamination rituals. However other tasks not effected by OCD are often ignored due to depression and fatigue. I have a build up of wax in one of my ears, a common occurrence which requires a routine syringing each year but which necessitates a few days of putting drops of olive oil into my ear. Weeks have passed yet this small task is often neglected, in the mornings I am too depressed or stressed to do so and most evenings I am too exhausted. Yes now I am sitting here writing and this takes enormous effort but becasue this is an obsession, although not in an OCD way but rather an obsessive need for me to explain what my life is like, I tend to try to continue writing but it is a huge effort and one I really no longer enjoy or receive so much satisfaction from as once was the case due to not only depression but to the obsessions and compulsions that present, which I have described in great detail elsewhere.

Though sometimes it is the small mundane and routine tasks, the boring monotonous chores that I personally have the greatest difficulties with. Indeed anyone who sufferers depression in one way or another will feel that life is a huge struggle and what once bought pleasure becomes a chore, at best you become indifferent but at times you can actually begin to loath or dread doing even those once considered pleasurable or interesting pursuits.

Moreover when you also suffer with OCD all endeavours however great or small become more complex and appear Herculean in terms of the effort or motivation required to carry them out. For instance if you have to wash your hands every time you touch certain objects or areas in your home to prevent the spread of contamination the sheer hassle and exhaustion of doing so becomes unbearable and you procrastinate. For instance even the simple task of opening the blinds in the morning as daylight approaches because of the need to wash my hands afterwards leads to delay in opening the blinds, which is sad now that dawn arrives so early. But sometimes I am simply too depressed or weary to open them because of this need to wash my hands afterwards. It might appear to my husband that I am too lazy to put the plug in the socket to turn on the TV, radio or light and I ask him to do this. No I am not lazy, nor am I taking advantage of another person, it is just that I am weary of having to wash my hands after performing these tasks.

I often look as though I neglect my appearance, but this again is due to the huge effort of doing simple things like curling my hair. I have to wash it every morning; it is long and takes ages to dry. It is long becasue I can’t cope with going to the hairdressers, in fact it has been about twenty years since I set foot in an hair dressing salon that I never question now why I do not do so. Perhaps another time I will go into why this is so, for now suffice it to say the reasons are complex and have to do with OCD contamination anxieties and rituals which make this an enormous ordeal, one that is just too difficult for me to even consider and now this is simply not a part of my life.

Curling and attempting to style my hair involves lots of hand washing and some times I need to wash my curlers or comb and wash my hands after using the hair drier. This hair drier has become contaminated so many times for different reasons I now on longer know why I do this, but I do and sometimes the thought of all this rigmarole is just too much and often I do not bother to style my hair sometimes just running my fingers through it - after they have been washed of course. The same applies to clothing and the only criteria for getting dressed and selecting clothing is that my clothes are clean, OCD clean and are not rough or irritating in anyway, a significant problem of late. This is no easy matter many rituals and hand washing is involved. Increasingly more of my clothes seem to irritate my skin and I can end up in the mornings in a state of extreme irritation and anxiety trying to select clothes and often I go out looking extremely dishevelled with miss matched clothing, crumpled and untidy; not wanting to iron them due to all the avoidance and rituals involved in avoiding contamination.

There are many similar tasks throughout the day. Sorting the laundry requires much hand washing between each stage and so this task needs to be completed at the right time to prevent further decontamination rituals, in this case before getting showered and dressed in the morning, the same applies to housework otherwise another shower is required. It can take hours to dust a room becasue of the clutter but also because of all the hand washing in-between tasks to prevent the spread of contamination, the changing of dusters for the same reasons. Therefore these tasks are daunting and one has to summon a considerable mount of determination to do them. Although these tasks are motivated by OCD they are not immediate as I avoid certain areas rather than continually clean, so for all intents and purposes the sitting room is cleaned only routinely the same as anyone else would but the process by which it is
cleaned is determined by OCD and it can be exhausting, frustrating.

It is like that throughout the day with all facets of OCD. Reading is another area, which is overwhelming and now feels like an unbearable chore because of my superstitious fear of avoiding a certain number which again means timing everything just right. I have written so much about these obsessions that it would be superfluous to go into details as doing so of course will precipitate more checking obsessions and rumination over my writing which I will do anyway as I will check what I have just written over and over and be tormented for days on end. Writing is of course yet another example of an endeavour that is effected by OCD which has come to be exhausting and which is now so overwhelming, so much so that I actually dread writing anything.

But again I do so because, as I have already said, it has become a compulsion, complicated I know and I worry that what I am trying to say seems very confused; it is not easy to explain at all. Suffice it to say OCD and depression can make any endeavour, task or chore seem like an ordeal, a monumental struggle.

May 12th

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.
Albert Einstein
 

Look at this adorable ewe with her two tiny lambs, don't they look peaceful, simply sitting and being. Of course a sheep's life for the most part is anything but peaceful; nervous timid creatures they jump at every sound, a car passes by will have sheep running in all directions, a swooping bird too close brings about similar panic as does the approach of a person who is unfamiliar to them to name just a few of the infinite occurrences within their environment that brings about fear and panic. And of course the lot of most sheep at sometime in their lives - for many tiny lambs they will live only until July or even earlier - is too awful to contemplate although for me of course this thought is never far away. And of course as mentioned in a previous entry in some parts of the world they are treated with much cruelty. But these creatures are thankfully at this time oblivious to this although when the times comes all animals are aware of what is about to happen to them

But for now, today it is a peaceful scene. Just sitting with one another. The lambs are always close to their mother or within easy reach and siblings often following each other about seeming to have a closer bond than most human siblings. Here they sit peacefully; the sheep in this particular field situated near the summit of a hill in the Yorkshire Dales seem less nervous, it is quiet here and they are perhaps more used to people; walkers who pass by along the foot path and people living in the two houses close by.

I look at this idyllic scene and think that in many ways these creatures can do something we cannot. They sit there peacefully secure in the family bond that they have with one another. There is no need for constant chatter or any kind of communication
(yes I know of course animals literally can't talk but in other ways they do communicate, later on we would see this when a tiny lambs bleeps frantically for her mother when she is scared).

Unlike human beings they can simply just be with each other. In some ways I envy them. There is no pressure to participate in mindless chit chat. Unlike human society there is no uncomfortableness because one of its members can't join in the banter, no one is segregated because he cannot join in with what the consensus of opinion calls conversation.  Which is of course what happens within human associations. To again state the obvious they of course are incapable of conversation and that is my point. Concerning my own anxieties in this regard my life could be so much easier if there was not the constant need to have to continually make conversation, if you could simply be with other people. My husband, son and I can simply be with one another not feeling we have to speak. On the way home recently from a long trip none of us spoke hardly at all, yet no one felt uncomfortable or compelled to make conversation.

How many people can be with others and not feel the need to continue a constant stream of conversation or rather at times pointless babble which I can't even describe more politely as small talk, for indeed most people simply babble on for the sake of talking as though fearing any silence which may rise. But perhaps they do not fear the silence because in groups of people there really isn't any silence to fear. The exception may be between people who have long and close relationships where they feel comfortable in one another's company without the need for constant chatter; where they are equally comfortable with times of silence and times of speaking.

I have no idea how others perceive social situations or how easy or difficult conversation is but for the majority of people it appears that in most circumstances it is a natural occurrence and requires little forethought or preparation. I do understand of course this is not always the case, for instance when meeting someone new. But for most people, for most of the time conversation is as natural as eating or sleeping and requires little thought, or anxiety. However for many people including myself this is not the case at all. I have explained my conversational and social interaction impairments in two articles about why I think I may have AS and on many occasions in my blog so I will not elaborate further, except to say that any kind of social interaction other than that which occurs between my husband, son and myself is awkward and causes anxiety and embarrassment often resulting in rejection, my rejection that is. 

People simply do not want to be in the company of another person who cannot spontaneously converse with ease, who cannot look them in the eyes - but for the appropriate time of course, whatever that is I have no idea and either shift my gaze from side to side or stare too long at the other person. In a group of people the quiet one is not welcome, other members of the group feel uncomfortable. Why? I cannot imagine. Many years ago I lost a job simply because I could not interact with my fellow workers. We were mostly of similar age and gender. I simply could not join in with the conversation which mainly consisted of mundane trivia, small talk and sadly gossip.  I was perfectly content to be part of their company, to sit in the tea room at break times and let them carry on with their conversations but no my presence made them uncomfortable and I was asked to leave.

Similar situations have occurred many times during my life. Another instance occurred again many years ago previous to the one above when I worked in a factory with my sister, who despite having similar problems with social ineptness seemed to integrate quite well with her work colleagues, in fact she was quite popular. (This can happen in some instances where after an initial awkwardness you seem to integrate better. Which was the case for me some years later, but this is rare and the situation was different when these people where more amenable to more complex conversations such as politics, religion and world affairs when for me conversation is easier but never easy.) Whilst working here with my sister again the problem with my social ineptness and shyness became an issue. Again at tea breaks I simply couldn't join in the conversations and made the others feel uncomfortable so much so that they asked my sister if the reason I was so quiet was becasue I did no like them. Quite the contrary in fact, I considered them very pleasant people and I had enjoyed their company but was simply tongue tied, unable to think of anything to say. So again I left, voluntarily this time, but I just felt too uncomfortable. Why did these people think I did not like them? if I did not like them would I sit at the same table with them during  tea breaks? Well... yes probably a normal person would, after all people who do not like other people often carry on as though they do, will share a table in such situations, join in conversations as though they are great buddies and later on engage in quite venomous gossip about the same person or people with whom they had previously shared what appears to be pleasant conversation.

The biggest problem sometimes I think for me and others like me is that our inability to converse is seen as a problem for others and it is this that actually makes this inability much more of a problem than it would otherwise be if people like me where simply accepted for who we are rather than what people want us to be

Why can't people accept that everyone is different. Sometimes it would be nice to be part of a group just to have company even if I can't join in with normal conversation, but sadly this rarely happens at least not in my experience. However having said that there is perhaps the exception of close knit family members, which is the case with my husband who also talks little and with his brother who hardly speaks at all unless spoken to. But families are mostly the only exception and in some instances I can quite imagine that even here this not always he case. 

I have to say that, apart from some initial difficulties, during my stay in a psychiatric hospital for my OCD my social ineptness was not such a problem, my shyness went unnoticed lost in a sea of other people's similar behaviours or simply not noticed because the others where just lost in their own minds . Oh now come to think of it while writing this there was one person who had the notion I did not like her although now I can't recall why without looking this up in my memoir, I rather think it was due to some difficulty I had with my social interaction with this person, but this was soon resolved. Yes and other memories are returning of yet another lady who was hospitalised with an eating disorder, a compulsive eater who had little contact with the other patients preferring the company of the staff. I rather think she did not care to associate with people whom she considered where mentally ill as she herself did not consider that she fell in the same category. She was totally unapproachable.  So yes even here there where difficulties but much where less noticeable.

So today I envied - although envied is perhaps not the best word here but there really isn't one more appropriate - these sheep, at least this aspect of their lives: the only communication that is required is a bleat of distress or other need, the only rumination she takes part in is the recycling of food through her four stomachs which of course is the more common use for the word rumination rather than to describe the continual torment which goes round and round within the minds of people who suffer with OCD.

May 5th

Never doubt that a small group of concerned citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead

We have all heard recently the term carbon footprint but what about our plastic foot print. The damage to the environment resulting from the indiscriminate use and improper disposal of plastic is a significant threat to the stability of our environment. Perhaps as damaging as global warming in its own way. Because plastic is non biodegradable it only slowly disintegrates over decades, some think as much as 1000 years.  Millions of items of plastic litter our environment, mostly those awful plastic bags dished out ad lib by supermarkets and other retailers.

Plastic also becomes incorporated within the soil. It is non-biodegradable, it is non porous and as a consequence it obstructs the free flow of water, blocks and reduces oxygen, in effect choking the soil, a detriment to plant and animal life alike as is the toxic chemicals which leach out.  All this of course reduces the fertility of the soil.  Could this effect plant growth with the result of a food crisis? Rather disturbing don’t you think? Other detriments as a result of the indiscriminate disposal of plastic effect our water ways including the sea. Did you know that there is approximately 100 million tons of plastic in the North Pacific alone? As a consequence one million seabirds and 100,000 marine mammals die globally each year due to ingestion of or entanglement in plastics.

Plastic and other litter is the scourge of our countryside; it is a danger to wildlife and domesticated animals alike. Plastic, such as bags which get broken into smaller pieces are ingested by domestic animals whilst grazing, sea animals ingest plastic particularly billowing plastic bags which the creature thinks is food; turtles for instance mistake plastic bags for jelly fish they die becasue their intestines are clogged with plastic bags. Animals on both land and water can become seriously harmed by plastic litter, and lets face it most of our litter in one way or another is plastic. Smaller creatures get caught up in such things as those plastic six pack rings which I picked up the other day. Tiny creatures such as field mice get trapped in discarded plastic bottles.

Moreover the detriment to our quality of life simply by the unsightliness of trash strewn everywhere and anywhere is an added consideration. It seems to me people care little for their environment. Many people seem to spend so much of their time and income literally feathering their own nests, forever fixing up their homes; having the latest kitchen, bathroom, furniture, adding extensions, decorating. In short many people are obsessed with their homes yet ignore the communal environment in which they live seeming oblivious to the heaps of trash which accumulates on the road side, in fields, hedgerows, in rivers, in the sea anywhere everywhere. Did you know that there is litter on summit of Mount Everest? In fact everywhere man has trod there is litter in his wake.

Yes I hate litter, it has really become a scourge of extreme annoyance, it has left me feeling so angry at times. On many occasions particularly on embankments alongside of our major roads there is just so much litter it is astounding and it seems that recently either the council has been lapse in removing it or idle people are dropping litter increasingly more frequently. What was the slogan some years ago, litter bug, litter lout, the latter is more descriptive as who other than a lout, a yob would drop litter. A lout is not necessarily a young person either, there are plenty of elderly louts, after all young people grow older don't they, age does not necessarily bring about a transformation and make one a responsible person. Litter has been a problem for years of course; I recall the slogan, “Keep Britain Tidy” but in recent years it has become a real blight.

Some of the areas in our region can be rather run down at times. In some of the towns and villages shops are closed and boarded up. Attempts have been made to improve the aesthetic appearance of some of these towns and villages. Areas of greenery, flower beds, new paving and so on, yet all this does little to improve the overall appearance of the area if these places are strewn with litter. Not a pleasing sight to see plastic bags waving in the breeze festooned in trees and bushes; those awful polystyrene fast food containers, which are in any case an environmental hazard, discarded amongst the flowerbeds; lawns sprinkled with bits of paper, empty bottles in-between the buttercups and Daises. Ugghhh !!!

What the hell is wrong with people. Why can’t you keep your rubbish until you see a bin, what is so difficult about placing it in a bag and taking it home?

I could go on it is a real obsession of mine, a sore wound which festers, gets more and more sore as I become more aware of this potential hazard to the environment and our sense of well being. When one is depressed often the world at the best of times is tainted by a dull veneer and even in the most ideal of environments at times our depressed mind fails to be uplifted by the beauty which is all around. In the less than ideal environment of towns, cities and villages which resemble litter strewn garbage tips, the effect on my mood is significant.

I am finding it very difficult to describe to you how a run down dilapidated environment made worse by rubbish makes me feel, how it effects my mood. On a cold dull winter's day, when the trees are bare of their leaves, the grey concrete dull unappealing buildings which are made worse by neglect and graffiti is further accentuated by the garbage which litters our communities.

Not only litter dropped by antisocial lazy people is by any means the only problem.  In recent times the detriment of littering is accentuated by the scourge of fly tipping; the deliberate dumping of, for instance unwanted furniture, fridges, even sinks and old bed frames as the one dumped here in the Yorkshire dales.

These items have been here a good long time, the bed frame is rusting, the sink is filled with water in which life has taken hold, notice the green algae. The reason this remains here is that it has been dumped far from the road and would only be noticed by a walker, but even than as there is no foot path here this could go unnoticed or left indefinitely.  These things have been dumped at least half a mile from the road in a remote part of the Yorkshire Dales which is only dotted with small villages and farms. So whoever dumped it has had to make considerable effort to do so, remember it is on top of a hill.  So why the hell did they simply not take it to the council tip, the nearest is only ten miles away. Whoever brought it here has had to travel some distance to dump it, I really cannot imagine any of the locals doing this. The nearest village is in any case at least four miles distant half way between where it was dumped and the council tip.

Do we really want to turn this world of ours into a garbage heap?

I have recently written an article concerning litter which appears in the ramblings section of my website. Often we can feel so angry about something and feel that we are powerless to change the problem for the better. However since the internet everyone can have his or her say. Remember things do change. For instance many people now remove their dog's droppings from the pavement and now you no longer see so many mounds of dog mess in our villages, towns and cities as once was the case a few years ago. The EU has banned animal testing on cosmetics made within the EU as a result of public opinion and pressure, this ban comes into effect in 2009. Why this cannot be banned immediately I cannot understand. Sadly it does take a long time to bring about change but there would be no change at all if no one spoke out.

I am sure most of you like me have some axe to grind, something that drives you crazy in addition to but not exclusive of your disorders. Some issue which you think is important about which you have strong views. So if you feel like venting your feelings write them down and I will include them in the ramblings section of my website.

May 16th

I could not have slept tonight if I had left that helpless little creature to perish on the ground." (Reply to friends who chided him for delaying them by stopping to return a fledgling to its nest.)

Abraham Lincoln

I really do so love that quotation which I came across the other day, it shows such sensitivity and compassion, it also tells us that most people see this sort of compassion as unusual, insufficient reason to delay merely to rescue a little creature.  Abraham Lincoln suffered with depression and hypochondria, you can read about this in a previous entry. He appears from what I have read to have been a sensitive person.

The above quotation describes so well the type of torment experienced by any sensitive person if he neglects to follow the dictates of his conscience.

To many people such actions may appear to be over the top, at least to the extent that someone would overly worry about whether or not such an action was carried out or other wise.

A feeling that one is responsible for anything and everything is a common part of the OCD condition, often referred to as
over responsibility OCD, which is a facet of scrupulosity/religious OCD, although I know from my own experience that religion does not necessarily play a part in scrupulosity, having a sensitive conscience or being a sensitive caring person.

Oftentimes with OCD concerning such issues you are not sure which feelings arise from a natural compassion, a sense of concern or from the torment of OCD. For instance in such a position the OCD sufferer would also consider that if he did not carry out the dictates of his conscience, which in this case was returning the bird to its nest, he would not only be tormented all night with guilt, but in addition he may also be tormented by fear that not doing the right thing may lead to some ill fortune befalling him or his family in some superstitious way, rather like the idea of Karma or divine retribution. The right thing of course very much depends on our personal perspective and like everyone else people with OCD have their own perspective even if at times it may be considered by the consensus of opinion as neurotic or excessive.

However those of us who suffer this way should remind ourselves that perhaps in our case both conditions may well apply, and even with the additional torment of OCD we may nonetheless still do the right thing simply becasue we are compassionate or sensitive or simply consider that it is the right thing to do. It has also to be considered that emotions do not always play a role in such issues either and one may simply do the right thing because it is simply and logically the right thing to do from your perspective, your ideological, philosophical or worldview. I will discuss more another time about emotions and why I think that emotions as such play only a small role if indeed any role at all in doing the right thing, again I add from your personal perspective. Since becoming  familiar with AS and other ASDs since my son's diagnosis and my own consideration that I may have at least traits of AS or other ASD I have become very introspective about my emotions or lack thereof and have found that the emotions I have are in many ways unlike those of other people; if I am correct and  I do have some traits of some type of autism or the actual condition this would explain why my emotions appear different to that of others. For instance I can be extremely sensitive in some situations while in others I have no emotion at all yet still feel the responsibility to do what I consider is right nonetheless, and not only because of OCD scrupulosity or over responsibly. I can feel overwhelmed with sadness for the plight of one person I do not know; an old man bent low, with difficulty walking made me feel so sad recently, yet conversely I can feel no emotion for the plight of a neighbour in a similar circumstance although I would nonetheless feel the need to offer such help as I am able. Also I often feel more emotions for an animal than a person. I felt so much pain and overwhelming sorrow for the plight of sheep in Australia in the campaign mentioned above and it made me feel depressed and angry but also empathic or at least I felt on some level the fear and suffering that these gentle defences creatures experience, and the cruelty perpetrated against all animals haunts me. I am concerned about people yes indeed but anger here plays more of a role, although of course I am angry and that is putting it mildly concerning the above atrocity. For instance the situation in Tibet fills me with so much anger becasue of the social injustice that allows a stronger nation to invade a weaker one, impose its laws and carry out all manner of atrocities with total impunity. The Tibetan people are for the most part deeply religious, have their own culture and worldview and have on the whole done little to harm either themselves, other creatures or the environment and rather like the sheep they have been subject to many atrocities became of their non aggressive nature and reluctance to carry our violence. However I experience anger over social injustice rather than the deeper emotions of compassion and it is this that motivate me to take what action I can take. And yes of course OCD adds to the mix, as I hope you understand from what I fear is becoming a confused and complex explanation.  After a time you can become very confused concerning your motivation and with OCD's negative input if you are not mindful of this you can become to resent the need you feel to take action, confusing your valid feelings to do so for whatever reason with those less rational motivations introduced by OCD

However becasue of these confused thoughts and mixed feelings as people with OCD we may not feel such satisfaction from our good deed and maybe torment ourselves that we only did so because we had OCD. However for myself personally I know that this is not always so there are exceptions, although the OCD element does increase the torment considerably, particularly if we are not able to do that compassionate deed we feel we should or wish to do. But remember that OCD focuses its attention on your individual personality, if you are religious you will most likely suffer with religious manifestation of OCD but this is not always the case as atheists and agnostics may also suffer with religious OCD, but this I will discuss another time as this is quite complex. Mostly OCD fixes its target on facets of your personality. So if you are compassionate or have a sense of social injustice it turns its attention on this aspect of your personality, if you love animals it will focus its attention here as is the case with my contamination fears about animals particularly dogs, if you enjoy writing as I once did OCD than focuses its torment there in the form of checking and so on and on until it can and does consume your entire life, morphing and changing as your ideas, experiences and interests change and evolve over time. If you are not aware of this OCD will destroy anything and everything that means something to you. 

With over responsibility OCD you can become so confused that it is difficult to know what is the motivation for your actions; is it you or your OCD that is telling you to take action or otherwise. However it is the OCD threats in the form of intrusive thoughts that make whatever action you take or conversely do not take so difficult. For example if the carrying out of your perceived responsibility is not possible or is a detriment to yourself, a danger perhaps, such as is the case of my compulsion to pick up glass in the road, a compulsion which I have been tormented with so often that I now no longer know if the need to pick up glass from the road arises from a normal concern for the safety of others or from the torment of my OCD fears.  Sometimes the torment is so strong that any real concern is  no longer felt and eventually you begin to resent having to take this or that action even though most likely you would do so without OCD's influence. Although I think concerning glass in the road I am aware on some level that I should not be doing this when it could endanger myself and maybe even others, such as a car swerving to avoid me.

OCD taints every area of your life, it changes your perspective. What was once done with a good heart, with the best of intentions is turned sour as OCD focuses it attentions and turns any act or endeavour from a voluntary one into a compulsion with dire consequences if ignored.  You than feel altogether different about carrying out these actions, resentment grows and any satisfaction experienced by carrying out a good deed is lost.  Also boundaries become blurred and you no longer know what is normal, what a normal perosn or at least a person without the influence of OCD would do. This is particualry so in the case of actions such as in the example previously mentioned of retrieving glass from the road which has the possibilty to be hazardous to your well being or other detriment.

Here is a recent example during a day out in the Yorkshire Dales to Malhamdale. Malhamdale is a very interesting and scenic part of the Yorkshiredales, it can be crowded with people coming to see Gordale Scar, Malham Cove and Malham Tarn. Today though it is dull and cold, there will be very few people about and most of the way we meet little traffic on the road. But oh dear plenty of sheep, mostly lambs who very much like people consider that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence even though they are grazing in a field with thick long grass. Unlike the popular misconception of sheep as unintelligent creatures they are indeed most devious critters when it comes to finding any means available to escape the confines of their field. Here in the Dales it can be somewhat confusing. The sheep which graze in the unfenced hills are free to roam all over the road and in theory most motorists in the region are aware of this although some notification of this would be helpful for visitors to the area as sadly many sheep are killed by thoughtless motorists who cannot keep their speed down.  Ploughing through these single track country roads, many drivers seem obvious to their fellow motorists, walkers, cyclists and wildlife. This situation is nowadays made much worse with these enormous and  environmentally unfriendly cars which are popular in the last year or two but which make passing on the narrow roads more hazardous particualry when these vehicles come tearing along as though they are competing at barns Hatch. Other areas often in-between these free to roam areas are fenced off with cattle grids dividing the fenced and unfenced road. Here where it is fenced off motorists, if they consider sheep or other creatures at all, are certainly not expecting lambs and sheep grazing by the side of the road. So in these places it can be particularly dangerous.   

Immediately I see these sheep I am anxious, particualry concerning the lambs who are more skittish than their elders although any sheep may dash out at any time, as they often do suddenly frightened by the least sudden noise or other subtle change in their environment to which these sensitive creatures are immediately aware. The first group of lambs grazing at the side of the road  was in the fenced off area at the approach to the Stang forest, although a quiet road it can nonetheless of course attract the kind of motorist mentioned earlier who sees an open road as an opportunity to put his or her foot down. I fear for these lambs so full of life happily munching away at grass and other vegetation along the side of the road, they look up as we pass little faces alert almost as though they know they should not be there and are expecting to be returned to their field. We did stop, we always do much to the dismay of my husband who although he also is concerned about animal welfare and would wish to help these creatures back to safety knows when it is not possible to do so. There seems to be no gate and no where along the fence where they could have escaped and even if there was as soon as you get out and approach them they set off en-mass down the road running here there and everywhere in panic, which of course increases the danger for them and indeed also for motorists. I worry feeling it my responsibly, partly due to OCD it has to be said, although as you know if you have visited my blog and website that my husband, son and I are fond of sheep and want to help if we can as indeed of course would be the case with any other animal in threat of harm or death.

So what to do, I get increasingly more anxious both for the sheep and because of this feeling of responsibility but nevertheless it is not easy to say if it is the result of OCD or otherwise. We look round for a farm, but the gate is closed and the track is rough we have only a small car. I am fearful of getting stuck and the possibilty of loose dogs in the farm. There is also no one in sight. My husband is not keen to venture down this track and with some hesitation we continue our journey. I feel very anxious, this time I recognise the normal concern which rises from my feeling towards animals and concern about their welfare along with more OCD torment concerning some ill  fortune as a result of not doing my utmost to do something to ensure the safety of these animals. This ruminative thinking will continue until we have put many lies between us and this situation . I try to migrate my fears, assuring myself that if the lambs are still here on our return we will do something. I try to tell myself that these lambs are more mature; perhaps born earlier in the year and as a consequence they are less likely to dash out into the road. I feel guilty though that I did not press my husband to go down this track despite his own anxieties about doing so. Like me my husband has his share of social anxieties as does my son who was also with us and driving down a gated track uninvited causes him considerable anxiety. Social anxiety in this and other situations later in the day added to our problems.

A similar situation presented just as we were close to Malham Dale. Yet again in another fenced off area in-between two areas where sheep roam freely two ewes and two lambs had somehow escaped the confines of their field and where wandering about loose. These where Hardwick sheep, a breed of sheep mostly confined to the Cumbrian Lake district. These sheep are much smaller than others breads and the lambs are so tiny and frail looking. The two lambs were indeed very tiny and had not been born too long I would imagine. Although traffic here is minimal it seems nonetheless a temptation for some drivers to speed with complete inconsideration to other motorists along what is essentially a one track road with only occassioal passing places. I was even more anxious about these sheep than those in the previous situation, their circumstances appeared dire. Also what was really heart breaking was that one of the ewes had twins but one lamb had remained in the field on the other side of the fence and could not get out to his mother and sibling. He ran along the fence frantically bleating jumping up at the wires fence, while his mother, sibling the other ewe and her lamb paced up and down along side. You could hears his bleats right down the road as he kept jumping trying in vain to get over the fence. I worried that in addition to his stress that he still depended on his mother's milk and would as a consequence become dehydrated if he was not reunited with his mother. He had not escaped with his mother and sibling and it appeared that neither could find their way either in or out of the field.

The gate was closed, there were no gaps in the fence, there appeared nowhere they could have got out. I tried to walk up to them not knowing quite what to do and immediately they retreated further down the road, I felt even more anxious knowing I had made the matter worse. My husband being an optimist insisted a farmer would come along. Not convinced I tried to locate the farm but we drove by so quickly I did not get a chance although I could see a turn off. You have to understand that all of us experience difficulties with social interaction and to enter a farm uninvited is traumatic. So for all of us there is conflict, a concern for the welfare of these creatures against our own respective issues. However in addition for me also is my OCD: in this situation there are contamination anxieties so there is a conflict which involves a battle between this and trying to do the right thing, which in any case may be influenced by over responsibility OCD even though the dividing line between this and my normal reaction is somewhat blurred. However for my husband and son there is not the anxiety for them if they are not able to take any positive action and neither will ruminate or  become anxious or depressed as a result of not being able to do anything to help. 

My husband said if they were still here on our return we would try to somehow get them back into the field. My husband always resists these attemps at sheep rescue which occur quite often but in the end capitulates, so why he cannot simply do so now and get it over with I don't know but for now I have to accept this compromise. But it worries me and I lament that my day is ruined becasue I will be worrying about these sheep, in particular that frightened lamb. As we make our way down the hill to Malham we pass by a large group of cyclists, I can imagine that their passing will really frighten these sheep who have nowhere to flee except along the road .

Yes as time went of on I became distracted by anxieties about unleashed dogs and other issues when we visited Malham gorge and Malham tarn, but nonetheless I thought about these sheep and could see this tiny frightened lamb in my mind's eye leaping at the fence desperate to be with his mother.

On our return at first it appeared they had been returned to the field, but no, my heart sank, there they were all looking very forlorn sitting huddled by the side of the road. Fortunately at least the lamb had now got out of the field to join the others. I determined to take action and with help from my son who opened the gate while my husband positioned the car between it and the sheep so I was able to walk behind them leading them to the gate, slowly because one of the ewes had a limp. It was anxiety provoking but fortunately no traffic came along and none of the other sheep in the field attempted to escape through the open gate which is always a possibilty. With a thumping heart we managed to got them into the field. Yes it did feel good, and yes it was the right thing to do notwithstanding OCD's influence.

Later on there was yet a third incidence, more sheep on the road, my husband was beginning to audibly groan. This time there were half a dozen lambs foraging in the grass verges and this was a busier road where this occurrence would not be anticipated. We stopped this time with out any ado and followed the same procedure even joking that we could get jobs as Shepherds. In fact by now the situation seemed amusing, the mischievous little critters had escaped under the gate and where having a good time of it and looked up with suspicion as I tried to sneak by, but they did rush to mum for a feed as soon as we got them back into the field.

Such incidents when out can cause a lot of anxiety and I do feel concern if it is not possible to take action, or guilt if I am too afraid to do so, such as enter a farm although if I see there is someone about and the gate is open to drive in I will do so  preferring the huge anxiety involved over the feelings of torment and guilt which inevitably arise if I do not do so.  Nevertheless this does not mean that the actions I do take are not justified or that I would not do so without the motivation from OCD thoughts, but OCD does complicate the issue and intrusive  thoughts as those described above do add a significant dimension of anxiety and guilt that would not occur to a non sufferer.

May 17th

I am rather anxious about the above entry fearing I have not made my point or conversely laboured the point to an obsessive compulsive degree. Which of course is likely being suffer of OCD. It is I guess long and protracted, overly detailed, possibly  confused. I  don't know as I am not going to read through it again for the umpteenth time. If this is the case and it is confused this is simply the result of the fact that right now I am... well... confused, I am finding it difficult to co-ordinate even simple tasks. My mind quickly become overloaded, easily over taxed.  I have taken hours over this entry including checking and rechecking and it like all the others will never be right as despite all my checking it is no doubt still full of missed mistakes, sometimes quite glaring errors. Still it does not feel right despite all my checking, and if I do not publish this entry I could go on and on adding more altering this or that getting more and more stressed and exhausted . So for good or ill I have allowed this entry to stand, if it is muddled, incoherent... well than that reflects my condtion right now in real time as in recent weeks I feel as though I am sinking into a mire of confused thinking when at this time even simple tasks need to be thought through carefully.

May 18th

Below is the link to Kirk Stacy's new website. This website replaces Kirks Pen and features more of Kirk's artwork. Kirk a sufferer of OCD is an excellent artist, check out his caricatures by clinking the logo or the hyperlink below.

 

KIRK27's deviantART Gallery

May 23rd

I am hesitant to ask yet again for you to consider signing a petition. I am deeply concerned about social injustice and animal welfare and feel the need to take some action and invite others to do so. The petition is quite simple you can make a short comment if possible but if not simply add your name.

Also please do not think that Australia has a problem with animal welfare any more than any other country, it is merely coincidence that this and the previous petitions concern animal cruelty in Australia.

There are really so many petitions out there, protests about all kinds of dreadful atrocities happening to both man and animal in every part of the world. Animals however can do nothing to defend themselves against the cruelty of man.

This petition by Care 2 concerns the callous shooting of Kangaroos:

"Australia's military has just begun killing kangaroos at the Belconnen Naval Transmission Station, a decommissioned military base, to protect the land on the base from overgrazing. The Australian government refused to relocate the animals, claiming the cost was too high, even though activists estimate the 600 kangaroos at the base could be relocated for much less.

The military plans to kill 400 kangaroos in the coming days - at least 70 kangaroos have already been rounded up and killed, including mothers and their joeys. Sign this petition to tell Australia's government to immediately halt this kangaroo cull. Your signature will be delivered via email to Defence Minister Joel Fitzgibbon"

For more information including a video (you may find the video distressing) and to sign the petition please click
Stop the Kangaroo Cull! - The Petition Site

May24th

Human beings are all members of one body.
They are created from the same essence.
When one member is in pain,
The others cannot rest.
If you do not care about the pain of others,
You do not deserve to be called a human being.
 Saadi

This is another of my favourite quotations which I have included elsewhere. Concerning my own circumstances the following two lines are so apt : When one member is in pain, The others cannot rest. I find that living in a world filled with so much suffering to be a source of my depression or at least something which accentuates my predisposition to be depressed. From my perspective it seems impossible even if I did not have OCD, migraine and all other conditions which are likely to bring about depression that I could ever be truly happy while others suffer. I don't believe it is possible for any sensitive person to ever be truly happy whilst there is so much suffering in the world, and here I also include the suffering of all creatures, animals as well as man. However many people are able to set aside such thoughts, at least for a while, whereas in the background I am constantly aware of the negative aspects of existence.

I enjoy the spring, my favourite time of year, the little new born lambs are a delight as are all the other baby creatures born this time of year. We have two bird's nests in our garden and you can hear the little ones chirping, its just lovely. Yet there is always that sad aspect, at least concerning farm animals. Although even with other creatures including of course ourselves there is of course inevitable suffering, last year one of the baby birds died in our tiny pond which is little more than three feet in diameter. Looking for a drink he must have slipped in and could not get out. It was so sad to see this poor creature and this year we will cover the pond with mesh. Returning to the plight of farm animals as you may or not know that in July, sometimes even earlier as some lambs are slaughtered within a week of being born, all these little lambs disappear, taken from their mothers, sent to the abattoir. And please do not think sheep are insensitive creatures and are unaware of what is happening. This would be an erroneous assumption, indeed ewes are very protective of their off spring. Their frantic bleating if you approach, as we did on a couple of occasions to take a video, is indeed a challenge to what they fear is a threat to their lambs. I was going to show you this video but sadly it is lost in the confusion of disorganisation which is my photo / video file, I will upload to U Tube as soon as it is located and put a link in another entry.

This annual occurrence when all the lambs are suddenly gone causes me great distress and sadness, it takes the joy out of the wonder of life and the pleasures of spring, of new birth.  The pleasure most people experience, the oh isn't it cute factor, when they see a new born lamb or other baby animal is soon forgotten when lunch time arrives and local lamb is on the menu in the pub, tea room, or restaurant. Many people it seems see no incongruity in admiring cute little lambs and than going into the nearest catering establishment with lamb or other animal on the menu. Although increasingly more people are becoming vegetarian or vegan the majority of people are no where near realising that these animals are sentient beings and should not be treated in this manner.  But this is not a lecture on anmal welfare or the ethics of meat eating although I have strong feelings on both of these issues and if something I say encourages anyone to stop eating meat I would be only too pleased.

What I am trying to explain here today is that I do find it difficult living in a world filled with so much suffering particularly the kind of suffering which is unnecessary, such as the rearing of animals for slaughter. Concerning suffering in general, these days we are more aware of the extent of suffering of both man and animal and one can feel so overwhelmed by it, the suffering of other creatures - I will use the word creature here to mean both man and other animals - compounds our own, at least it accentuates my suffering and unhappiness, my depression.

It is a sad fact but a fact nonetheless that if the alleviation of this aspect of my depression depends on things changing in this regard and the world being a place devoid of suffering... well I shall be depressed until the day I die.

The world will never be a good place to live, there will always be disease, adverse weather conditions, natural disasters and the like, but notwithstanding these seemingly insurmountable problems our world could be far better place than it is, so much of the misery effecting every creature could at least be mitigated.  Sadly so much of the world's ills are either caused by human beings or made worse by them, when in fact we could do so much to alleviate the natural adversity of this world and make this world a much better place for all creatures. A place where every creature has the right to life, the right to live out its days unmolested, unexploited, valued, needed, cared for, seen as part of the whole not as something to exploit to enhance the comforts of the few. I would like to see a world where every creature's life is important both man and animal equally, where all life no matter how lowly, by human consideration that is,  is treated with equal respect as expressed so well in the words of Mahatma Gandhi below:

“To my mind, the life of a lamb is no less precious than that of a human being. I should be unwilling to take the life of a lamb for the sake of the human body. I hold that, the more helpless a creature, the more entitled it is to protection by man from the cruelty of man. . . . I want to realize brotherhood or identity not merely with the beings called human, but I want to realize identity with all life, even with such things as crawl upon earth.”

I would like to live in a world where no animal is slaughtered or used and abused in any way, when finally the human race realises that this world did not come into being solely for his purpose and that we share this world with a myriad of other creatures who have their won purposes, who wish also to live out their lives according to their own way of being.

Concerning the human creature I would like to see a world where everyone is equal, where everyone has a share of what resources are available, but not using such resources to such excess which endangers this world for not only oursleves but other creatures. I would like a world in which no child dies for want of food, clean water, medication. Did you know that every 30 seconds a child dies of malaria to name but one disease for which life saving medication is available : "

"More than 30 million children are unimmunized either because vaccines are unavailable, because health services are poorly provided or inaccessible, or because families are uninformed or misinformed about when and why to bring their children for immunization. Pneumonia, diarrhoea, malaria, measles, HIV/AIDS and malnutrition are the primary killers of children in the developing world. These children die because they are poor, they do not have access to routine immunization or health services, their diets lack sufficient vitamin A and other essential micronutrients, and they live in circumstances that allow pathogens (disease-causing organisms) to thrive"
UNICEF - Immunization - Why are children dying?

What kind of a world do with live in that allows this to happen? How can anyone be happy in the midst of such suffering?  Suffering which is entirely unnecessary. How can we allow the few to have so much while the majority have nothing?  How can we continue to allow the huge corporations to pillage the planet and exploit its inhabitants both man and other animals to satisfy the insatiable greed of the few.

I would like a world where everyone is valued where everyone contributes what he can and takes only what he needs. Where no one exploits another or the environment for personal gain but considers the good of all.

From each according to his abilities; to each according to his needs
 Karl Marks.

This quotation taken as it is without political reference considers that an ideal society is one in which every person may contribute to the best of his ability and talent and that each person shall receive whatever he needs regardless of how much he personally has produced. I add to this further that produce does not necessarily imply the production of material need,  man doth not live by bread alone. Deuteronomy 8: 2-3 . A quotation taken out of context to mean here that people need more than material requirements in order to live a full life and therefore talents and abilities such as the arts are vital to the quality of life as any material need. Although of course material welfare should take priority, everyone's need for nourishing food, clean water, a safe home, medication and health care are of course of paramount importance. However sadly in this world many have comfort and luxuries well in access of their requirements while many live impoverished and unfulfilled lives, die from want of food, clean water, inadequate shelter and medical care.

All of us have some ability or talent we can contrite to the good of all but many of these talents and abilities are never utilised because of some disadvantage, usually a disability such as an illnesses or even more common a disadvantage due to social economic inequality. How many missed opportunities for the enhancement of life for all creatures such as cures for disease have we missed because of such inequalities. Who knows every day one of the thousands of children who die from want of a meal, clean water or medication may be the person who in better circumstances could have bought forth a life altering discovery, such as the cure for cancer to name the most obvious. Every person as value, every person's life is important even if he or she can contribute very little or nothing, but most people contribute something to the good of someone and remember I am not talking solely of material need.

All can contribute something no matter how small but in the present social climate only certain talents or abilities are valued and only from those who can reach a certain level of attainment, who can produce in a certain way for a specified time in particular conditions and circumstances.  Again opportunities are missed for the advancement of the common good as people are cast aside, seen as a burden when in reality each may make some contribution however small; for instance many of you who visit this website who need extra support or consideration due to mental health issues or other neurological condtions or indeed any disability.  But no, many of us are relegated, seen as second class citizens considered as a burden to society. I have always considered  that people like me could have made more progress and could have contributed much more and lived fuller lives if only we had had more support from society. Incidentally it has to be said that regarding mental health issues these are less well accepted as serious valid disabilities and less concession is made by society towards those who suffer in this way

I would like one world government which allows every person to be treated with respect and tolerance for every different facet of  individuality regardless of race, creed, gender, sexual orientation, world view, intelligence, appearance, to name just a few factors concerning our uniqueness which can result in indiscrimination, intolerance, and hate. Yes people are discriminated against because of their appearance, level of intelligence and or age. Age is nowadays an increasingly more common form of discrimination when older people become devalued, seen as a burden for instance. Also those with a mental health or neurological logical condition are often discriminated against, ridiculed and made the but of jokes and are made to feel ashamed. Well I could go on there are so many ways people discriminate against one another, sometimes to the extent that such perceived differences are so small and insignificant. For instance your accent, the right accent is considered so important in certain social circles that many people actively try to change their accent.

Man's Inhumanity to Man, makes countless thousands mourn
Robert Burns

Yes man's inhumanity to man and I will include other animals here makes thousands mourn and makes me feel so depressed and at times also angry. They say that depression is a manifestation of anger. I am not sure if I agree, perhaps depression felt as a result of suffering of this kind brought about by our fellow human beings is the result of the type of anger that festers, anger without expression.

May 26th

I feel somewhat anxious about including some of these entries which may appear depressing. I have however issued warnings in the introduction that this is possible, that my writings may be at times very negative. Yes I have explained all this before and this is a reminder or perhaps an obsessive-compulsive behaviour in its own right to tell you yet again why I include these less that positive entries. This is a blog about OCD and other conditions, it is also a personal diary although most of the entries are often not of this type but many do at least reflect my personal feelings; whether or not such feelings arise from my OCD, AS or depression or whatever remains to be seem as often the dividing lines concerning ones thinking processes which may result from OCD and other conditions and ones normal perspective are blurred,  if in fact there is ever a normal perspective.

I have strong feelings concerning social injustice and animal welfare, the environment, and politics - comments upon the last of which I have at present spared you - and I have the need or compulsive urge to tell you about how I feeling concerning related issues from time to time. I am angry and depressed about the state of the world, our treatment of one another, animals and the environment, our selfishness, greed and uncaring, our apathy and neglect. Are these thoughts an aspect of me as a person or a reflection of my mental health?  Who knows for certain, who really knows themselves, the only thing I know is that my feelings which are associated with anger and depression occur as a result of such intense reflection upon such issues. Yes it may be said that at times these thoughts are not healthy and that the anger and  depression which results is not ideal and  I do admit that my anger now burns with a passion hitherto not experienced at any previous time in my life. But for good or ill the above and similar entries are my attempts to bare my soul so to speak.

My ideals seem naive impossible but I am sure that there are many many others who share  similar ideals . One can feel so impotent by ones inability to bring about change in the world and it seems that all our endeavours come to naught.  And this is particularly so for people like self who are too ill to do much about anything but nonetheless would like to do so. Last night I watched dispatches a report from Somalia where the situation is described as the world's worse humanitarian crisis. I did not see all of the programme mostly the part where the presenter goes  to the outskirts of Mogadishu where thousands of people live in squalid camps, in tents comprised of rags and plastic having fled from the city. They are starving and reply on humanitarian aid from Britain and other countries but still these people are starving, falling sick, there is no medical aid, no medication.

I wanted to cry about the little girl with the broken infected leg left untreated and blind in one eye from shrapnel, the result of all the awful events occurring in this region, mans inhumanity. I cannot understand what makes people so cruel towards others to inflict so much suffering. I don't know the issues involved all I know is that people are suffering. And its seems so the world over but the greatest suffering is that inflicted upon one another: "Man's inhumanity to Man" 

In comparison my problems seem insignificant and at times I feel ashamed and I am now hesitant to continue further with this entry explaining my difficulties with my feelings concerning universal suffering and my frustration that because of the conditions from which Suffer there is little I can do. However, notwithstanding comparisons which really do not make a difference to how you feel or other people feel, not only is illnesses a detriment in obvious ways for example a migraine is bloodily painful the thought of which brings fear beyond description, but in addition one can feel so frustrated by the  impediments that render you even less capable than other people to do even a small thing to change circumstances for the better. My insignificant attempts at trying to do something such as writing letters, signing petitions and telling you my feelings  are about all I can do. And even these are not easy. It is not easy to compose a  letter to an MP or other official because of the problems I have with compulsive checking, ruminating and obsessing, my inability to spell and type accurately which itself requires much editing and correcting. Nothing comes easily, it can take hours over a number of days. The tendency towards compulsive writing hinders my ability to effectively communicate in this manner, the urge to write more and more as new ideas pour in and there is a temptation always to add increasingly more detail often superfluous or repetitive. The more I write the more there is to check and ruminate about, as a consequence my neck and shoulders burn with pain. And always there is the  struggle against anxiety and depression, a temptation always to procrastinate, so anxious to make a start due to all the torment which arises from my OCD and the sheer exhaustion that results. These problems in themselves generate depression and frustration.  I long since abandoned my voluntarily work at the Oxfam shop 15years ago due to the severity of Chronic daily headache and so it goes on as it does with every facet of my life as OCD and other conditions render me increasingly less capable to do anything about... well ... anything!

June 26th

Well today I have decided to perhaps include more diary like entries interspersed with entries concerning my thoughts and other issues which may be of use to anyone with any of the conditions included in my website. I have been reading or rather dipping into the diary of Samuel Pepys the 17th century naval administrator whom I am sure you are all familiar with or at least aware of, if not please click here. Samuel Pepys - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia     Pepys' Diary

I say dipping in as it is a very lengthy abridgment the entire writings are more than a million words. For the most part there are times when his entries are quite mundane although they give you a glimpse of what life was like in the seventeenth century. The most interesting part of course is his comments on the great fire of London and the great plague. I cannot image living through such a dreadful time, a time when everyone was filled with fear and dread. Oftentimes we do not consider that normal people are effected with fear and anxiety in quite the same way as we are. Maybe the normal person is not afflicted with the pervading chronic fear that anxiety disorders bring about but of course everyone experiences these emotions from time to time and most certainly during times of dire circumstances and this of course is normal. Below is an entry from Samuel Pepys' diary June 7th 1665 and refers to the plague.

"This day much against my will I did in Drury Lane see two or three houses marked with a red cross upon the doors, and "Lord have mercy upon us" writ there - which was a sad sight to me , being the first of that kind to my remembrance I ever saw. It put me into an ill conception of myself and my smell, so that I was forced to buy some roll tobacco to smell and to chew - which took away the apprehension."

I am not suggesting that anything I write will be in any way comparable but perhaps a simple more day to day account of my life as a suffer of OCD would be of interest but from time to time I will not be able to resist comments concerning things in the world in general that are of interest or about which I have strong feelings.

Few people are visiting my website and recently I am beginning to wonder it anyone actually reads anything! Looking at my statistics on the server most of the referrals from searches in popular search engines have been people looking for graphics.

May 27th

On a lighter note, here is a short video taken with our digital camera which my husband has uploaded to U Tube. It was filmed during a recent trip to Jervaulx Abbey in the Yorkshire Dales, and shows some delightful antics of lambs in a nearby field through which we have to walk to get to the Abbey. Very much like ourselves these lambs think the grass is greener on the other side or at any rate the plants are more tasty. 

YouTube - Lambs grazing