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It is very difficult to get back into writing for my website after the last couple of weeks being away from my computer, or at least away from the internet. I had enormous difficulty with my CBT assessment forms recording Automatic Thoughts. It was rather overwhelming and I simply had no time for anything else. I decided that perhaps this form of therapy was not right for me. The psychologist was very understanding and said that if I changed my mind that I should ask for another referral. One of the problems was that I had been assigned to a primary psychologist, a primary psychologist only provides therapy on a short term basis usually to patients who are not chronically ill and for whom psychological problems are likely to be only temporary rather than chronic, which is not the case for me. These are the reasons that I wrote for my psychologist which try to explain my difficulties in recording these thoughts:

Continuing with the subject of the last entry concerning OCD and how difficult it can be to differentiate between rational thoughts and those that are of an OCD nature. Again it is the less obvious thoughts which cause the greatest problems for me, at least now. In the beginning of the full blown emergence of my condition this was not the case when indeed religious thoughts that where obviously of a neurotic nature all seemed very real and I was carried away by them for over six months before I began to gain some insight into the fact that such thoughts and consequent behaviours were not normal and that I was having some problems for which I needed help. The religious thoughts do remain and still today despite my insight I continue to experience problems and loose contact with reality and persist in giving credence to the but “What If” way of thinking and I remain unable to go against the strong compulsions that arise from these thoughts. And all this despite the fact that I am now agnostic. Such is also the case concerning my superstitious anxieties with the number which I cannot now right down no matter how much self talk I give myself concerning the illogical down right stupidly of this thought and consequent compulsions.

In recent years thoughts of a less bizarre nature have also plagued me with much anxiety and these thoughts concern more usual day to day thinking, like the religious thoughts these are nonetheless inappropriate however unlike the religious intrusive thoughts these thoughts are difficult to assign a label of normal or abnormal and I can be in quandary of indecision.

A while back we needed to travel quite a long way; I was worried should my migraine medication stop working as I had been taking so many doses in the last few months due to a sudden and drastic increase in my migraine attacks. There is an alternative medication which consists of a combination of Codydramol and Lorazepam. This is less satisfactory than my regular migraine medication Diclofenac because this combination makes me sick and also lorazepam is very additive and the effectiveness wears off quickly, but it is okay in the short term for a few days should I require it as back up for for my usual medication. Now I was anxious to ask my doctor because on a previous occasion I had been turned down for a prescription of lorazepam; the doctor, who was only a stand in, had not bothered to ask why I needed them but gave me a lecture about possible effects of addiction and brain damage, he assumed as a sufferer of an anxiety disorder I was popping pills to ward off an anxiety attack which was not the case. I was at the time simply not able to express to him articulately why I needed this medication so this was one reason for my hesitancy. Another reason was my notion that the doctor would think this a classic case of castastrophising, obsessing about the possibility of my medication not working and that to request back up was neurotic. Was this an OCD motivated request or was it sensible logic, the kind of thing a non sufferer would do? I really ruminated about this for days ahead of the appointment writing it down precisely certain I was being neurotic and that my request would be denied. It does not sound much in the scheme of all things OCD but to each his own as it where, for me this problem generated a huge amount of depression and this consequence was of course in itself irrational. Although because of the  decrease in my ability to orally articulate I simply handed the doctor what I had written. She seemed rather genuinely nonplussed, kind of surprised that I was exhibiting obvious anxiety about requesting this medication which she said was indeed a very sensible request particularly if getting medical attention would be difficult as could well be the case in an area in which I do not live. In fact many people have two types of medication for migraine,  one as a back up but, I hasten to add, this must be done through your doctor as of course you cannot take certain types of painkillers together: for example you cannot take two types of Paracetamol even though they are included in separate types of medication as this would be an over dose. So in this case the notions which I thought where irrational borne of OCD where in fact considered sensible by my doctor.

One year whilst on holiday to Glastonbury in Somerset we ascend the Tor on a cold and misty morning. This is another aspect of OCD which I must mention another time and that is the neurotic compulsion to feel that one has to do certain things because in the past one has always done so. For instance in this case if we do not ascend the Tor which is quite a struggle for me in recent years I feel uncomfortable as though I am missing out on something and the holiday is not satisfactory as a result. Anyway this is not the point I am making right now. The tower which crowns the top of the Tor, which is an ancient monument the ruins of St Michaels church, is so often subjected to mindless graffiti and often much litter accumulates. This particular morning inside the tower was a pile of discarded bottles of alcohol just left there in a heap. It did not for one minute occur to me that it was my responsibility to pick up these bottles even though I have this kind of OCD. This was possibly because of my contamination fears; sometimes in the case where two opposing OCD behaviours present the stronger anxiety, obsession and consequent compulsion will cancel out the obsession and compulsion which is less anxiety provoking. Besides I was huddled in the corner trying to avoid two somewhat hyperactive dogs who where running with great exuberance here there and everywhere. The owner a friendly women, although I had to make a comment about not wishing the dogs to come near as their paws where muddy, decided it was her responsibility to collect these bottle and take them down to the bin at the entrance to the footpath. Now had I done this both my husband and son and no doubt anyone familiar with OCD and the sense of hyper-responsibility many sufferers experience may have said that this was not my responsibility and that picking up these bottles, which was no simple task as there where at least a dozen or more, putting them into two carrier bags and struggling down the Tor with them was inappropriate and a classic example of OCD over responsibility. What do you think? Can you see the dilemma in these subtle, less obvious types of OCD. In such a situation as those cited and many others it is sometimes not possible to know if the thought arises from OCD or more rational thinking. After all this lady most likely lived there in the town but in any case few people would have taken these bottles down on this very windy day. In some ways it depends on perspective, if one is carrying the bottles down because one has a fear that something awful might happen if one does not do this than it is OCD. However the problem remains regardless of motivation: when do you know whether your actions are appropriate or otherwise? Without OCD would you feel so responsible as for instance in the case of an occurrence a couple of weeks ago when a lamb was in the middle of the road in danger of being killed or causing an accident and killing others.

The lamb came running out of the undergrowth, the poor little thing was in a state of absolute frenzy. It had escaped the confinement of a near by field where it's mother was bleating in distress and it could not remember how to get back and was running in frantic panic into the road. Passing traffic ignored it barely slowing down despite my frantic waving trying to indicate a problem. Prior to this both my husband and son groaned with the anticipation, the knowledge that I could not drive on by. But what to do, there was no farm house in sight. I could see no where from which this lamb could have escaped. My husband insisted it was impossible to try and get it back in the field but taking no notice I walked along the road anxious not to leave it to fate both for OCD reasons of anxiety about failing to take action and for genuine concerns for the lamb. I had of course no idea what I was going to do as OCD contamination fears would prevent me from touching the animal although in dire circumstances I may well have done so. Whatever it would not be easy to get this lamb back in the field, like all members of its species it was extremely timid. Neither my husband or son had gotten out of the car but fortunately for me a cyclist came a long and dismounted. I wondered why he was stopping, it simply did not occur to me that he too had stopped to try and help this lamb because mostly people just pass by. By this time both my son and husband had joined us and we tried to corner the lamb. The cyclist managed to trap it in the undergrowth and pick it up and leaning over the fence to place it back in the filed where it rushed with haste to its frantic mother for a feed. The cyclist had cut himself and I was concerned but had no way of helping but I did worry about this feeling somehow responsible, but even if we had not been there I am sure that the cyclist would have stopped anyway.

Again if no one else had stopped it would have been considered as taking responsibility that was not mine to take. Yes maybe OCD thoughts did play a part in the whys of the matter but where my intended actions and concerns justified. The cyclist did not stop to analyse his actions, or consider whether it was his responsibility or not But with OCD in this sort of situation it is not easy to know what is normal behaviour and what is not. Quite honestly people generally speaking need to think that perhaps it is time that they considered that things within their lives, in the environment, in their interactions with others are perhaps their responsibility instead of leaving it up to some one else.

During childhood and early adulthood I lived in the midlands. In those days when there was a heavy fall of snow everyone went out and swept the snow from the pavement in front of their house, the only exception where people who where too old or disabled to do so, but more often than not a considerate neighbour would do this task for them. It cleared the pavements and made walking much easier and safer. Now no one does this. When I went to live in Sussex the first time it snowed when we had our own home I swept the snow away from the front pavement of both ours and our neighbour's house. But no one else did and eventually also in the midlands this happened less and less often. People today think it is always someone else's responsibility to come a long and sort it out. I know with OCD being over responsible can become very intense until you convince yourself that everything is your responsibility and as other people get to know this you can find yourself taken advantage of. For people with OCD it is often difficult to know where to draw the line concerning what is our responsibility and what is not, is it my responsibility or is it just the OCD telling me it is. The same applies with other less obvious manifestations of OCD when it is not clear which thought and subsequent action rises from our OCD and when it is in fact normal behaviour. Yes if the thoughts that motivate the behaviour have an OCD type reasoning behind them yes it could well be an OCD thing and inappropriate but this may not always be the case. You can still have OCD thoughts that make you feel its your responsibility and the thoughts come telling you that something awful will happen to your family if you do not do this or that and fear takes over and you give in to this fear and do whatever. However just because the thoughts have intruded does not necessarily mean your final actions where inappropriate. These thoughts are now so habitual that they crop up in any situation where you feel that something is your responsibility. So in some instances it is not easy for the person who has OCD, who is trying to cope with their disorder and trying to overcome its compulsions, if he or she is unsure that the action they are about to take is due to OCD and therefore inappropriate. Was it over-responsibility to rescue the lamb? The cyclist didn’t think so. Was it over-responsibility to collect the bottles from the top of the Tor, the dog walker did not think so. One of the greatest difficulties when challenging OCD behaviours is knowing what is normal and what is not and even with the more obvious contamination OCD manifestations it can be very difficult to recall how you once behaved and what is now normal for you.

When I was a child we had only one bath each week and washes in between, except for the fact as a child and most certainly as an adolescent I did not care to stand in a freezing unheated bathroom and wash every day. I am ashamed to admit this I was not a very clean person, my time was for doing other things washing was not one of them. Most certainly hygiene and worrying about germs was not a problem and I recall being fascinated when in the sixties the newspapers where full of news articles about Howard Hughes and his strange obsession with germs. Indeed I remember  saying to my mother that I can’t imagine being like that, we all thought his behaviours truly bizarre. My mother used to have to nag both my sister and I into having a bath the thought that one day her daughter would become like Howard Hughes would not have occurred to her at all. OCD had of course reared its ugly head but contamination fears where at that time not its manifestation. In early adulthood before the emergence of my full blown OCD which went on to include severe contamination OCD I was a little more hygienic but certainly not the way most people where in the mid seventies. So if I where to challenge my OCD behaviours which I have done two or three times in the past, including a three month stay in hospital, I found that the greatest difficulty was not knowing what normal behaviour was concerning many of my OCD behaviours and this I believe has had an effect upon the progress I made or rather didn't make. Yes I made some recovery but it was never sustained the OCD always came back sometimes to a lesser degree but than a new obsession would rise its ugly head and the whole process would begin again. One of the biggest problems is my inability to generalise. When I found out what was normal in a certain situation I could not carry this over and adapt it too a different situation and would have to check if this or that was normal and this in itself became a compulsion, OCD is a very pervasive complex disorder not easy to cope with without help and even with help it can be a struggle to contend with the way it morphs, reintroduces itself into your life and once the support is taken away, which it invariably is, and you are left to your own devices it once again takes over you life. This is my experience, it may not be the same for you there are a number of people for whom unfortunately for reason not known seem to have intractable OCD.

May 26th

We have all gone down with some dreadful infection. I have not felt so ill for years. The infection has gone to my chest and I have felt as though I have been torn apart by coughing and sneezing which makes it difficult when you are prone to chronic headaches. Despite my contamination OCD I rarely get ill - at least not now in adulthood and do not recall having flu ever, well not until now if indeed this is what this is. In childhood however it was quite a different story and I had a good number of very serious and potentially life threatening conditions including pneumonia, whooping cough and even scarlet fever. I had the awful thought this morning that now as I am getting older I will be prone to some very nasty illnesses.

Life right now is very difficult and the onset of this illness is not making things any easier. I in fact had the beginnings of this when I had to go and see the psychologist and this did not help me to think clearly and now also I worry I may have passed on this infection to her.

I did not actually turn down treatment in so many words, at least not at the beginning but merely said that I found it difficult to fill in the forms and that the cure seemed worse than the disease which was a poor choice of words, but because of my social ineptness sometimes I do not always say the most appropriate thing, or at least it could be expressed in a better way, and finish up giving the wrong impression. As soon as I made this remark I regretted it even though I had practiced how I was going to express my problems. All I really wanted to do was point out the difficulties I was experiencing, at that point I had not made any final decision not to continue. I had been rather confused unsure whether or not at this juncture I had been accepted for therapy and this sapped my motivation thinking that all this very time consuming writing could be for nothing. Now do remember I have communication problems and although writing is easier than speaking it is by no means easy

It takes me an enormous amount of effort to come up with the right words to produce all this writing. It is by no means as easy as you might expect, it takes many many hours. This is even more difficult when I need to express myself concisely as would be the case with the automatic thought forms. The psychologist gave me an example of how I would express my thoughts using a recent encounter with someone on the road who overtook us in a dangerous manner as a case in point. I can't recall her exact words but it was a couple of very short sentences along with the possible emotions I may have experienced such as anger and stress, she did not hesitate struggling to find the right words, there was no delay in response, instantly she found the appropriate way to express this and she finished by saying :" It is as easy as that". But sadly for me it is not, although I did not say so. It would take me a long time to formulate the words or to think of the right way to phrase the sentence, such for me is not automatic, it takes time for me to process information. Than of course there is the OCD doubting and checking compulsion which does get in the way and which I can't just disregard because I am in a therapy situation, as of course if it were that easy to do so I would not need therapy in the first place.  Over the last two weeks or so it has been a nightmare of frustration. I do now obsess rather over that last conversation and hoped that she did not think I had gone for a diagnosis of Aspergers and nothing else. I worrying I might have given this impression. This of course was not the case as regardless of diagnoses all issues can be addressed indeed you do not have to have any specific condition to benefit CBT. However I believe that to treat any patient effectively all conditions have to be diagnosed and the patient treated as a whole and at first I admit I was rather disappointed. However I got the impression that a psychologist offering CBT is not really concerned about diagnosis seeming to accept the ones you previously have but not willing or able to provide further diagnoses this I imagine is under the remit of the psychiatrist.

My psychologist in fact could not give me an assessment for AS. At our first session she asked me to explain my situation but I can not recall how, it was not a direct question, and in retrospect I get the impression that perhaps she was not asking me to list my diagnoses as such. In fact I did not understand exactly what was required so I told her about being formally diagnosed with OCD and depression but also mentioned other disorders which I suffer with such as GAD, hypochondria and finally my social anxiety problems which at this preset time I consider may be Aspergers syndrome, for reasons of which you are now familiar. The last of which I rambled on a bit about anxious to justify what may seem in itself a neurotic notion, a kind of variation on hypochondriacal imaginings. I somehow lost all confidence that my consideration that I may have AS was valid. It is amazing how quickly we can loose self confidence when the time comes and we have to justify such reasoning. During the week preceding this appointment I had obsessed about making this request and asking for a assessment writing in some detail why I think I may have AS. But it was not until I was sitting in her consultation room that I final made the decision to broach the subject. I than gave her my papers, extensive writing concerning my problems 38 pages of A 4 single spaced. She accepted them without much comment seemingly not to appear surprised or overwhelmed by the amount of writing, all my worrying about overdoing this was all for nothing. Which just goes to illustrate how much we can spend our lives worrying about what might or might not happen particularly concerning other peoples reactions. Psychologists are just like anyone else, each is an individual with his or her own ideas and just because I had difficulty getting the previous psychologist to look at my writings did not necessarily mean this would be the case every time and from past experience it had not been, but I had focused on the negative experience rather than the positive one and had worried and obsessed unnecessarily in this instance. She did not seem that taken aback with this idea concerning AS but told me that she was not qualified to make the assessment the only person who could do so was the psychologist who had decided not to other me therapy. I did not know what to say. She further suggested that what I may think of as the symptoms of AS where in act symptoms of anxiety - at least that was my understanding at the time, however I cannot be sure how accurate my assumptions where. Yes indeed there are similarities and sensory issues can be the result of high anxiety however there are other symptoms that could not be related to anxiety and more accurately fit the diagnosis of AS but at this point I had not had an opportunity to explain these symptoms and of course the psychologist could not read my notes while I waited so she was not aware of the facts behind my reasoning concerning the possibility I may have AS.

The subject of assessment for AS was not mentioned again during the subsequent  four sessions but she had read what I had written which included : 16 pages of My Story from my website; 10 pages concerning my present situation with OCD; 4 pages about my migraine, IBS and fibromyalgia and my 8 pages stating my reasons for thinking I may have AS. She had read all this understanding that I was better able to explain my circumstances in this way and would have addressed all of these issues not just the ones with a specific diagnosis. I got the impression that in principle CBT in general address the problems and is not interested in specific diagnoses. However I think diagnoses are important,  sufferers of these very pervasive debilitating condtions find comfort and a sense of belonging when they are diagnosed, most people need to identify with others who are experiencing similar difficulties with life. They need to put a label on why this or that is happening to them, why they feel alienated, different from others, why life does not seem to unfolded the way it does for normal people. Without a diagnosis you are simply not confident enough to present yourself for instance at support groups or even on-line groups. I find it disappointing that still after so many years mental health professionals just do not understand this. I can appreciate the CBT approach of not focusing on specific diagnoses and indeed this is a good idea for other issues often need addressing which would other wise be overlooked if attention was only upon specify diagnosed conditions.  And indeed this has been the case throughout my life when it appears that my social anxiety was never really addressed not even during the three weeks that I spent in hospital. Most sufferers life a label it is as simple as that and often just knowing what is wrong with them and that there are others in similar position can do much to enhance their lives and speed up the process of recovery or improvement. I was better able to understand my condition when I was formally diagnosed in hospital as having OCD. I was therefore in a much better position to join support groups and find appropriate information.

I think this psychologist may have given me an asessment if you had been qualified to do so but really that is not what CBT is about. She was at all times very pleasant and had sympathy for the difficult life I have had. She had been prepared to at least find ways of helping me cope more effectively but could not address such a long standing problem in eight weeks. Yes indeed I do have regrets and feel that once again neurotic thinking has intervened however I did find my situation rather confusing and felt as though somehow I missed or misunderstood quite what was expected and I was not sure if I was still undergoing an asessment or had began therapy proper.  I felt very guilty as though I had let her down.

I feel very awkward going back to my doctor who had requested that I see someone as soon as possible and now feel guilty and uncomfortable as though it may appear as though I do not want get better, as this is not the case.

I think that to get the best out of CBT you need to know something of what to expect. I asked my psychologist the kind of person who would not be suitable for therapy, and along with those seeking a diagnosis you are not suitable for therapy if you have a learning disorder which is of course obvious if you cannot read or write CBT is not possible. There where other reasons such as psychotic illnesses - in fact there was such a long list I lost concentration and spaced out. I felt guilty about that and hoped that she had not noticed but most people do it can be quite obvious at times. Yes guilt was mentioned on the emotions section of my automatic thoughts list  a good number of times. Certainly  my inability to express myself would be a hindrance , but perhaps I was looking too deeply into this after all ones writing does not need to be explicit, eloquent or grammatically correct it just has to express the situation and the emotions experienced. Perhaps I was making it more complicated than it really was.

May 26th

One of the difficulties that people with anxiety disorders have about appointments is waiting for his or her turn in the patient waiting room. My son gets so stressed by sitting in waiting rooms that he delays going to see his doctor. This has also been a significant problem for me now for some time since my sensitivity issues became more accentuated.  Yes partly it is impatience particularly if you are having an unpleasant examination and want nothing more than to get it over and done with or you are overwhelmed by the close proximity of the other patients, the noise from the incessant ringing of telephones, conversations and nowadays increasing the babble of radio or TV. The coffee table upon which there was once a selection of magazines is generally gone, it has been relapsed by radio and TV. Our local hospital has two TVs in the Ear Nose and Throat departments waiting room. Seats are arranged directly in the front of the TV. You enter and most people are staring at the TV like a bunch of zombies. I find it unsettling why can't people simply wait their turn read a magazine, a newspaper or a book or just sit quietly. Often when I go to accompany my husband for his appointments at the hospital I have to go and wait for him in the car park as I just can't cope with the noise. Do people like the addition of TV and radio in the waiting room. One clinic there is a drone of a middle of the road radio show interspersed with the babble of the presenter the sound quality is poor it is nothing more than an annoyance at best, but a source of anxiety at worse.

The worse waiting room I have had to endure was the one in which I had to wait to see my psychologist. The medical centre where the appointment was to take place was new to me, at least I have never been inside. It was a doctor’s surgery in a local village and not my own doctor’s surgery. I find I have nowadays an anxiety about anywhere unfamiliar a relatively mild anxiety nonetheless it all takes its toll on the overall anxious feelings. The waiting room and other surroundings was more like a hospital, and an old fashion one at that, than a modern doctor’s surgery and the reception area was more like that in a bank where the receptionist was enclosed behind glass. For my first appointment I was early, I doubted I had the correct location even though I had checked it several times . However I am always early, anxious not to be late I go to appointments ridiculously early, it irritates my husband who of course has to accompany me and stay there during the appointment as I panic if he wonders off and I happen to come out of the consultation earlier than expected. So he has an hour and a half stuck in this dreadful depressing windowless waiting room rather like stepping into some time warp and finding oneself back in the sixties with the additional paranoia of the added securities that despite the old-fashioned surrounding is a more modern phenomenon, where shouting through glass now seems commonplace. I hate to have to shout through glass it is stressful and takes away your privacy.

I needed to use the toilet, of course I have both IBS and irritable balder, my tension was though the roof such is therefore inevitable. I stood outside the toilet for about five minutes like an idiot, having tried the door and finding it locked , until I am told that I needed to get a key from reception. I could not believe what I was hearing I felt like bursting into tears. Apparently the toilets where locked because children came in and made a nuisance of themselves in the toilets. So now I had to go to reception and wait in a queue for at least five minutes to get the key! I really felt like I wished to turn round and go home. Mostly in such stressful circumstances I will need to use the toilet two or three times and each time having to ask for the key was a nightmare for anyone who is anxious. Surely it could be more acceptable, if this ludicrous over reaction to kids messing about in he toilets was necessary, easier and more pleasant for patients if the key was simply left on a hook near the reception. People with bladder problems also could find this inconvenient and so could very young children and older people who often need to go urgently. The next fifteen minutes dragged on seemingly interminably until finally I was asked to go upstairs where I would be met by the psychologist. This doctor's surgery here appeared even more hospital like and an old fashioned one at that. The main door at the top of the stairs could not be opened from the outside I had to wait for the psychologist to admit me. Indeed I most definitely consider this just about the worst place to wait for an appointment the only plus side was there was no music, radios or TV! However thereafter I arrived exactly on time to avoid having to wait too long. The toilet situation though made a stressful appointment more stressful, I dare not have a drink until I had arrived home, so that morning I did not drink until about 11.30. I can't help but wander, do these people think these ideas through before introducing them, a doctor's surgery of all places surely someone should realise that having to get the key would make things difficult for a good number of people. I cannot understand why no one challenges these ill thought out solutions to what really is only a minor problem. The reception was after all right near the entrance surely a better eye could be kept on who enters the building

My personal award for the best waiting room is the dentist. No music, radio or TV  Pleasantly furnished, light, but not fluorescent lighting, natural lighting, mostly no other patients because he is the only dentist so its ideal which is a good thing considering my dentist phobia. As silly as this may seem to others not effected by such things as noise, lights and so on, but the waiting room is one of the reasons we choose this dentist. When you are already very anxious the last thing you want is noise and racket. Our previous dentist in Sussex even had the radio in the consultation room. I wonder if anyone has asked the patients what they want. 
 

May 28th

Its bank holiday Monday here in the UK. It looks from my window more like a winter holiday. Here in the last couple of weeks the weather has been miserable, cold and wet. The last few days have been particualry cold the chill in this room when I entered took me by surprise this morning, I have rarely felt it quite so intensely even during winter. Awhile ago there was a shower of hail.

We all continue to be very unwell, yesterday I was on the verge of hysterics. I am used to not being well with the headaches, aches and pains and so on but this infection that has gone to my chest is just awful, I could barely eat yet felt hungry, I felt weak and weary just dreadful . The weather adds to this misery chills you right inside. The promises of a long hot summer now seems very far away as is the usual talk of global warming and melanoma each time the sum comes out. It does seem these days does it not that society in general always focuses on the negative and when something positive occurs like a pleasant warm sunny April all you hear on the news and current affairs programmes were the dire implications of global warming and endless advice about how to avoid skin cancer. Apparently no sun tan oil is adequate and an article in the medical journal the Lancet advised wearing thick dark clothing such as denim and black T shirt and wear a hat. Yes of course we need to be aware of the harmful effects of the sun but do we have to add so much negativity each and every time there is an improvement in the weather. It is very difficult for those of us who are in any way easily depressed to have our depression and tendency towards negativity validated by society. If the sun ever shines again which I am sure it will, although for us to day it might seem it never will, can we not enjoy it without the constant reminders of global warming and other negative issues.

May 29th

I am finding it increasingly difficult to include entries for my blog or any other written material on my website because of all the checking and ruminating about content. I am also concerned about so much negative content; while everyone raves about CBT saying it is the best thing since sliced bread I can't cope with it and I feel not only a failure but also that it might not be such a good idea to write so much about why things did not go the way I had hoped. Mind you there was so much more I could have written but some things remain private as they do for anyone and therefore no one should make a decision about CBT based upon my experiences or anyone else's.  I think I reveal far too much of my life sometimes and at times this too can make me feel rather uncomfortable. I also find it difficult to find some positive content to counter balance some of the more negative aspects of my personal ramblings but unlike a writer of for instance a current affairs blog, a writer of a personal blog of this nature cannot always find new or positive  content to include and I am often stuck with nothing much to say other than the negative occurrences in my life which concern the conditions from which I suffer.

I would like to publish entries as they are completed instead of in batches after endless checking and obsessing. But checking and obsessing is not the only problem, it takes some organisation to include daily entries or to publish entries as they are written and I feel if I attempt this I will actually include fewer entries.  My organisation skills are non existent. My husband recently bought me a pill organiser, a plastic box divided into the seven days of the week into which you put each day's medication so you can see if you have taken your pills or not. Just lately I either forget to take my medication or I take it than minutes later doubt I have done so. A good idea you might think and in theory yes it is for most people unless you have ADD. I simply can't get this box organised; I managed once for a few days but got flustered and took pills from the wrong days. It has to do with lack of attention, not being interested in routines which are boring and my mind is everywhere except focused upon what I am supposed to be doing at the time. I am finding everything even taking pills is an irritating interruption, you know the kind of feeling where there is always something do be done, lots of little things that consume your time yet not give you any satisfaction.

Continuing the comments about waiting rooms there is one thing I should say and that is for the most most part the staff are always pleasant and helpful. Behind what may appear negative there is often something positive. And we should also bear in mind these things are not done to annoy us or anyone else. Unless people complain it is unlikely that things will change. I do not believe that anyone has  any theory of mind, no one knows what it is like to be another perosn, no one can know how you feel or what your views are about music or a TV in waiting rooms or elsewhere unless we complain or make some comment. Although these things are not done to annoy us the fact remains that the level of noise in public places does annoy a lot of people.

Maybe there are times when we cannot say anything very positive but instead we can take positive actions. Here are a number of urgent actions you can take to help wildlife from campaigns organised by the IFAW. Here is just one of these campaigns which mostly involve signing sending a letter or e-mail which takes only a few moments. You do not have to register to take part.

"Bidding for extinction
eBay™ is the Internet’s single biggest shop window.  And as this report indicates, national websites run by eBay are being used as one of the main channels through which illegal trade in wildlife and wildlife products is conducted over the Internet.  A comprehensive and alarming failure by eBay to stop this wildlife trade is allowing users to buy and sell wildlife products made from some of the world’s most endangered species."

"Please take a moment to send a letter to eBay corporate headquarters, urging eBay to enforce a complete global ban on ivory sales immediately."