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Blog Roll
Blog Roll disclaimer*
Links
to recommended blogs:
OCD
Wiping The Crazy Off My Face
Incertus - The Weblog of Doubt and Other Disorders
There is a diary included as
part of the following website:
My Obsessively
Clean
Den
Where Justin can be Justin
Agoraphobia:
Agoraphobic
English Guy
Downunder
Bipolar and OCD:
Gail's journal
New!
Disjointed Thoughts
Autism:
Donna Williams’ Blog
Ballastexistenz
A Blog from Another World
Attention Deficit disorder ADD:
Living with ADD
A
personal selection of Interesting Blogs not related
to mental health or conditions of any kind:
The Action Blog:
Save an
endangered species, protect human rights, save a
forest.
Gristmill: The environmental news blog |
This blog is part of
Grist Magazine's
website, a magazine dedicated to environmental
issues.
Positive Attitude Quotes, Free Happy Positive Loving
Messages, Popular Motivativational sayings.
A
good selection of interesting quotations
|
March 1st
Agoraphobia is a complex and precise condition and the criteria for
diagnosis is specific, yet many people use the term to cover the many
reasons why a person maybe unable to leave his or her home. This can be
annoying to genuine sufferers as it is to those of us who have OCD when
we hear
someone described as obsessive or compulsive when he or she is engaged
in some behaviour of this nature, which in reality is nothing more than
an occasional quirk. Such as for instance when an acquaintance of mine
some years ago was describing a friend who soaked her
underwear separately before washing. This was a one off quirk and should
not be confused with full blown OCD and the fact that it was irritated
me, and that is putting it mildly. In a similar way it should not be assumed that
everyone who is afraid to venture out alone or at all is a sufferer of
agoraphobia.
On the surface it could easily be assumed that I meet the criteria for
agoraphobia. Please refer to DSM:
Agoraphobia Without History of Panic
Disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I cannot leave my home alone, I have a difficult time in the
supermarket, I get anxious as I become further removed from my safety
zone, I am anxious in crowds and so on. A CPN once wrote on his report
that I had agoraphobia because he could not concisely describe why I was
afraid to go out alone without a companion or why I could
not ride the bus either alone or accompanied, (I am afraid to go out
alone because of my OCD and also I am anxious to be out alone because
of fears of a sudden severe headache attack or migraine and not be able
to cope or get home) to save him the time of
writing it all down precisely, he thought it easier just to write agoraphobia. Being somewhat
socially inept and of course not knowing what to do I said nothing. So
know I am described as having OCD, depression and agoraphobia, the last
of course is not the case. This is a common misconception generally by
those not familiar with such conditions although in this specific case
this excuse of course cannot be considered, as a trained mental health
worker he should not have described me this way. Agoraphobia is not a catch
all term for anyone who has
difficulties leaving their home, or in severe cases even one room.
Agoraphobia is an incapacitating condtion, the far reaching effects of
which I have been trying to write about for the Articles section of my
website now for a few months. This account includes the personal
experiences of my late sister who was a life-long sufferer of
this disorder. My sister lived a very difficult life because of
agoraphobia which was compounded by a number of co-morbid or coexisting
condtions such as: hypochondria, Panic disorder, social anxiety,
anorexia nervosa, medical procedure phobia, and depression.
I have experienced some difficulty writing this article about
agoraphobia, it is one phobia from which I do not suffer. It is not easy
to write about situations of this kind which one has no personal
experience. I however wish to broaden the horizons of my website to
include more in-depth articles about the disorders included here, not
just OCD, and this article is among the first. I have done my best to present
the most accurate account of Agoraphobia from my understanding of the
condtion, from research and from memories of my sister's difficult life
as a suffer of this disorder. I do not claim that this article is
entirely accurate and it should therefore not be taken as authoritive. I
have worried and ruminated and checked over and over, procrastinated,
deliberated and plain and simply chickened out when it came to
publication. But now it is time for me to take the plunge and clink the
publish button. I hope that in some small way this article will help
those whose suffer from this disorder to feel less alone and to know
that with determination and enormous courage you can over come or at
least learn to cope with this crippling condtion. I hope my article helps shed some light on the
understanding of agoraphobia through the account of my sister which
sadly is left to the vagaries of my memory, although I have endeavoured
to give an accurate an account as possible. I hope in the future to
write a biographical account of my sister's life in more detail. In the meantime I
have shared a glimpse of her experiences as a sufferer of agoraphobia.
Article: Agoraphobia
March 2nd
Today I hope to publish updates to both this blog and my website,
again long over due. Apparently one has to be a prolific writer if one
wishes to blog, at least according to advice for blogers on the net. I
think that often we see such advice and immediately we feel a blow to
our confidence, we feel inadequate as we take such advice as the gospel
truth so to speak, when all it is someone else's opinion. I would
imagine the advice to include several entries each week only feasible
for professional writers, writing for a professional blog and not the
average person writing about his or her own experiences with illnesses,
day to day life, interests or whatever. I have learnt with a struggle
not to take such comments so literally or set too much store in the
opinions of others, particualry if they are of detriment to your own self
confidence or are discouraging.
Anyone can write a blog you do not have to be a prolific writer, you
simply write what you can and when you can, and for many this will not be
several times each week. I have learnt to take such advice with a pinch
of salt although at first I did feel rather discouraged. But these are
simply the opinions of others, such often unrealistic advice to reach
very high and exacting standards is doled out in every facet of your
existence and you may finish up quitting whatever it is that you are
trying to achieve. Comparisons with others is never a good idea for
there will always be those who have achieved more, but conversely there
are others who have achieved much less, but we do not consider this, and
in any case what does it matter what we achieve or do not achieve.
Success in any case should be measured according to ones circumstances:
for instance if writing is easy for you and it is a talent which has
come to you naturally than really such an achievement is less than it is
for a person who has had to struggle against overwhelming odds to a
accomplish only a very small amount. I think there is to much attention
on achievement, many people these days are made to feel inadequate when
in reality every person is important. one cannot achieve anything in
isolation, we are all part of a whole, no man is an island and every
small endeavour adds to the total. Often when looking for OCD or other
anxiety disorder blogs I have come upon many which are rarely updated or
even completely abandoned with one or two messages, however sometimes
these one or two messages have been helpful and have offered some
insight into OCD and they therefore are as important as those of someone who
makes several entries each week, in fact those with fewer entries may
actually have more to say as I cannot imagine how anyone other than
a professional writer can find something different to write about several
times each week. Even with OCD, if I were to include a daily account in
more of a diary style, which I have considered doing, much of it would
be repetitive as indeed are some of my previous entries, entries would
after a time appear much the same. As even for a sufferer of such
disorders much of that which occurs in our lives can become routine and
common place, as is indeed the the case concerning the lives of most people,
even those who are normal. For instance today, Friday, is a very routine
day, most of my obsessions and compulsions fit in with that routine. My
obsessions and compulsions concerning my washing routines are similar
each day, as are those involved in the preparation of clothing for
laundry and also my OCD problems with the preparation of food and the
umpteen zillion times I wash my hands. These I have discussed many
times. Likewise my OCD behaviours on the computer of which I given
lengthy and numerous accounts are fairly consistent everyday.
Incidentally it is these behaviours that perhaps most of all inhibit me
from writing more regular entries, as of course an enormous amount of
time is involved in writing even an e-mail, let alone an entry for this
blog which on average may take three or four hours if all the obsessing
and checking is taken into consideration. Moreover unlike a private
dairy it is not feasible to write daily accounts as people would become
used to and bored with the repartition. So for many people it is
simply not realistic to provide new material several times each week
without the risk of it being monotonous and tedious duplication.
This February I did not manage to included any new Web pages and only
two for this month. This is another area where one is advised to
continually be vigilant in providing new material and website owners are
advised to update regularly each month. Yes if you are professional
webmaster or webmistress of a professional website concerning for
instance news topics or the like, when such guidance is valid but for
the average owner of a personal website such advice is again not
realistic or practical for the simple reason that most of us without our
own server will be limited by the allocation of web space by our hosts,
a purely practical consideration I know but one which is nonetheless
valid. Furthermore as with blog content it is again difficult to
find new and fresh material for this kind of website. I think as
sufferers of anxiety disorders we can be sensitive to such advice,
taking it personally and literally and see it as relevant to our
situation when in reality it is not. Such can add to the lowering of
your self-esteem which further accentuates your anxieties and
depression, which in time effects motivation. I can get rather stressed
when there is no new material or I get writers block but I need to
assess the situation from a more realistic perspective. I recall many
years ago before contamination OCD that I read a book concerning advice
about how to do your housework in the shortest time possible. If I had
followed the advice in this book I would have actually finished up doing
more housework and for a longer period of time than I was currently doing.
So we need to take such advice with a pinch of salt as this kind of
over the top guidance will present in many aspects of your life. How
many of us have read a guide to parenting and have finished up
discouraged and depressed feeling inadequate to bring up our children.
Who has read a book about how to improve you gardening after which you
have given up as most of the advice is beyond your ability and is most
likely beyond the ability of anyone other than professional
horticulturalist.
Why this ramble? You might well ask... I did not intend this but it
kind of evolved from yesterday's reading of on-line advice for blogers
which had me trawling the internet comparing my blog to those of others,
getting more and more discouraged until I realised that one needs to
maintain one's own perspective in relationship to one's circumstances. I
think in general people are made to feel inadequate and the intendancy
is to impose upon people higher standards of achievement than is
possible for the average person, which if not measured up to can leave
those of us who are perhaps more susceptible to lack of self esteem even
more vulnerable than we are already. Lack of self-esteem often has far
reaching effects as it adds to lack of confidence, an increase in
depression, which in turns effects other facets of our lives. This is
particualry the case for vulnerable people who suffer with mental health
issues such as anxiety or depression.
However notwithstanding that ramble I guess I would still say that my
headaches and the continual round of an increasing difficult life is
probably the main reason why I experience these difficulties.
Maintenance of a website is enormously difficult for anyone and there
are many websites updated far less frequently than mine. Naturally
of course OCD checking and all the doubts and anxieties that accompany
this are a continual bane when it comes to this aspect of my life as it
does with any other facet of my difficult existence. OCD as we all know,
at least those of us unfortunate to suffer with this disorder, is
pervasive, it grows and spreads throughout your life ,it is a mental
malignancy and without treatment and thereafter continued confrontation
it spreads consuming your whole life. So it is an on going battle and
with the addition of an increase in the debilitating condtion of
migraine I am beginning to feel even more overwhelmed with the
struggle with both my mind and body.
So now excuses aside and compulsive venting and rambling which in
comparison to many of my renditions is comparatively short I will
publish my updates which include the
Agoraphobia article mentioned
above and six new
photos from John's desktop wallpaper section.
Please remember if you have any artwork, photos, or other artistic
accomplishments please send them in for publication. Accounts of your
artistic interests such as singing or acting or accounts of any positive
achievement remembering that this does not have to be momentous are
invited along with your experiences with your respective anxiety
disorders.
My son has recently updated his website with his photo art, please
visit as this encourages him. He has experienced an increase in his
depression in recent weeks and is lacking motivation. He has an
incredible talent for art, particualry painting and drawing but lacks
motivation to do much of this but has struggled to update this website
with his unique creative digital photography.
Kevin
Marriott - Fine Art
Monday 3rd
Compared to very extreme cases of hoarding and cluttering my
circumstances may be considered mild. However all Three of us have this
problem which like all OCD type manifestations grows if left
unchallenged. After a time no matter how much you love your stuff and
you cannot resist acquiring more and more it becomes a hindrance, an
annoyance and it can when you are particularly fragile drive you just
crazy and impede you life. At the present time with only a few
exceptions most of our clutter is not actual rubbish although it
consists of cloths that I will never wear, books I will probably never
read, ornaments I have grown tired of, and Jewellery I no longer wear
mostly because I cannot be bothered anymore, it is just junk jewellery I
have never bought expensive jewellery I could never afford it and more
importantly I have never wanted it, to me glass in a ring looks no
different to a diamond. Lets face it, who really can tell the difference
between a fake and the real thing. But I digress. There are some things
that I cannot throw away for fearing harm as a result as described in
other entries, such as unused pills, anything remotely toxic; I have
never thrown away a computer ink cartridge, at this time these do not
seriously impinge upon my life. I cannot throw away my old artwork,
which is so awful it makes me feel depressed as it appears nothing much
has changed. this is causing me problems lately I will tell you why in
another entry. Writings, (even old printouts of the pages of this
website, copies of my book’s previous droughts of no use to anyone not
even myself) old letters, receipts and so on seem impossible to throw
away for reasons not easy to define. There is a considerable hoarding of
useless out of date computer software bought with my old computer, my
first computer purchased nearly ten years ago, a printer which does not
work and one that will not work with our present computer. However the
clutter of things like soft toys (like the girl in The TV dramatisation
Mysterious Creatures I have the compulsion to buy soft toys), takes a
considerable amount of space. Other clutter, including books I hope one
day to read and those I never will, ornaments and all sorts of knick
knacks are everywhere in our bedroom and driving me just crazy. I could
not get in bed at night without removing these off the bed. And when I
have a migraine and need to lie down it can be irksome.
Now much of this stuff; the papers, old broken computer software,
printers , unused medication and so on I would very much like to see go
but the other stuff pains me to even consider disposing of it as such
gives me comfort. It is rather a two edged sward if I understand this
metaphor correctly, I am trying to avoid using metaphors,
colloquialisms, and other ambiguous expressions as for the most part I
often am unsure of their meaning and when to use them. What I am trying
to explain is that my behaviours in this regard bring comfort but
conversely drive me crazy. Moreover to even contemplate parting with
some of my collections, for want of a better word, fills me with pain, a
tangible feeling felt physically, like anxiety but not quite, more like
anxiety but with a profound sense of loss. That is about the best way I
can describe to you what it feels like. It is rather a catch twenty two
situation I am dammed if I do, but dammed if I do not. I worry about
loosing my stuff, the thought of anything happening to it causes
profound distress, I hate leaving it behind when we go on holiday. I
even worry about it all being thrown away when I die! Yet at times I
feel very inhibited and overwhelmed by all the clutter.
Because of problems mentioned above we have had to find a solution at
least in our bedroom. Now I have thrown nothing away except for a small
amount of cloths. A new blouse that is too small and one or two other
garments but most of it remains. Some cloths were sorted and put to be
washed but will probably be put back in the cupboard. Concerning cloths
I find it difficult to give them away because of my contamination
issues. I cannot convince myself that despite washing them separately
and carefully that they are not contaminated and will not cause harm.
There is a coat I have never worn, it is six years old, it has hung in
my wardrobe all that time, it was brought here when we moved from the
southeast along with the rest of our clutter. I bought it for our
holiday in Northumbria when we lived in the south east. It was the first
time we had holidayed in Northumbria and it as the year of the foot and
mouth outbreak. Trust my luck but the holiday was booked in advance.
This out break I believe originated in Northumbria, there were many
restrictions and we had little access to the countryside. it was a
stressful OCD filled holiday concerning my anxieties about the
possibility of spreading this disease. I never wore this coat but it had
hung in the wardrobe of the cottage we had rented. After returning home
I dare not wear nor wash this coat for fear of starting another foot and
mouth outbreak. What about all the rest of my cloths you might ask. OCD
has no logic and somehow this coat was singled out as a contagion of
foot and mouth. Most of my other cloths where washed, the car was even
sprayed with disinfectant although of course such would be useless and
many other decontamination rituals were carried out but no matter what I
did I could not make this coat feel right. So now I have this dilemma:
Because of contamination concerns I am anxious to give it away to a
charity shop for example; but I am scared to wear it and I cannot throw
it away for the same reasons, namely that it carries foot and mouth
disease, at least according to my OCD logic. So other than burn it which
has actually crossed my mind I have put it in a plastic bag and shoved
it in some corner of a cupboard which is crammed with other clutter. So
there are many reasons behind my anxieties about disposing of items.
Many which could be termed as clutter but which we might call
collections are another category, as indeed some of these items are part
of a collection although such was not the intention, for instance a
collection of Ornamental sheep made into the Dales or our crystals,
gradually accumulated.
The following solution is not ideal but one that has given us some
control and order out of the chaos and it is one often used by
therapists in the first instance before the commencement of therapy
proper. Moreover it can only be of use to someone who is a mild to
moderate hoarder and clutter, any one with a very severe compulsion
would not of course have the space to move the clutter.
In our bedroom there are two alcoves which have been utilised to
accommodate fitted wardrobes. I have removed all my clothing from mine and crammed
them into my husband’s fitted wardrobe after cramming some items in
boxes under the bed. It is a bit of a squeeze but it suffices. We have
fitted shelves into the remaining empty wardrobe onto which we have put
all the clutter which had previously spread out over the entire bedroom.
In other words now our stuff is compact in one area leaving one side of
the bedroom relatively clutter free although there are two book cases
full of books, soft toys and ornaments but it is contained and tidy. It
has left free space it now feels less cluttered and I can see the quilt
on my bed. This is of course not the answer to such problems but if
suffices for now. Often it helps if possible for hoarders and clutterers
to at least organise his or her clutter in such a way as to leave areas
of the room clutter free or at least relatively clutter free. Hoarding and cluttering is one of the most difficult
manifestations of OCD to contend with, often the sufferer either has no
insight or simply does not want to be rid of his or her clutter as such
gives them comfort depending of course the motivation for cluttering.
Some hoarding as I have explained in my own example is also undertaken
to quell anxiety and the thoughts which motivate such are msot likely
different for each hoarder as are for all OCD presentations. No two
people manifest with the same thoughts which precipitate the
compulsions. I
doubt that I will want to throw away my soft toys, my books or
ornaments or indeed anything much. I can’t even throw out that useless
printer. I would like to give my jewellery to a charity shop but there
is something that prevents me from doing so, feelings i9n this instance
are not easy to define
although OCD contamination issues plays a small role here.
For now it feels better in our bedroom but of course this may not last
as one compulsively collects, the collections may change but still more
stuff is added and the previous collections are never parted with and so
the seething mounds of clutter grows.
There are many people whose circumstances are more severe than mine
concerning the compulsion to hoard and during my life I have known two
such sufferers for many years without realising that their problems
where a part of OCD. The first I have known since childhood, I recall
when I first entered her home it was a seething mess of clutter, piles
of newspapers, boxes containing goodness knows what and piles of furniture. The outhouse was filled with
crates. She was always buying more and more things most of which she
would never use and did not really need. As the years passed this
problem became worse and she could not clean her home, nor bath ( her
bath was filled with clutter) or wash her cloths. Eventually she would
admit no one to her home which became increasing dilapidated, cobwebs
festooned the windows. She seemed to have no insight or at least she adamantly refused
to part with her possessions. Most of her life and the decisions she
made where centred around her possessions. A chance to move into a more
modern home in a quieter area was turned down because she could not part
with her clutter. Eventually little or nothing went in the garbage bin
over which ivy grew. Another lady whom I never knew personally but used
to live close by would use a wheel
barrow to take the small amount of garbage she throw away to her Dustin;
she had to wheel it from her front door right down the row of terrace
houses and up along the back road to her yard to put them in the bin.
She could not open her back door it had swollen with the damp caused by
water leaking in through an enormous gap in the roof. She could not get
anyone to repair this as she would not allow anyone into her home
because of all the piles of rubbish. This was a major case off hoarding
anything and everything. She had no heating because of the dampness, she
dare not turn on her central heating. She lived like this for many years
in appalling squalor until she become ill and concerned neighbours
called the police. It took months to remove all the rubbish, black sacks
where stacked in front of the house ready to be taken away. She had
piles of newspapers dating back decades. For some reason hoarders appear
to have a particular anxiety about newspapers, in many cases believing
that there is some information in them that he or she may need one day.
We do not buy newspapers and never have during our entire married life,
we see no need for them, so this is one manifestation I will never have.
We are not at this serious stage yet and I hope we never will be but the
potential is there at least for me. My husband and son clutter, hoard
and have their collections but it is only I who has the addition of
bizarre fears such as spreading contamination that could one day lead to
similar more serious hoarding compulsions.
The Obsessive Compulsive Foundation have an interesting
OC Foundation :: Hoarding Website
March 4th
Well finally I am sitting here in the daylight and typing this. it makes
so much difference now that the mornings are once again getting lighter,
by 6.30 the beginning of dawn creeps across the sky. Yesterday was a
gloriously sunny day, the light streamed in through the large windows,
it was this profusion of light that attracted us to this house. It is
now the light that is the only mitigating factor in this problem riddled
home or ours, the problems of which add considerably to the misery of
our difficult lives. It is a year since the damp course was installed
but is that the end of the problems...? No indeed not. The roof needs a
beam replacing in the room I am sitting in now, there is penetrating
damp despite getting someone to spray the exterior walls with damp
proofing, a beam needs replacing on the roof it is rotted and water
seeps in, it trickles down the walls collecting at the gable end causing
considerable damp along the edge of the ceiling and down the corner of
the north facing exterior wall. This is another huge and expensive job
and it will have to remain as it is . I do not wish to get into debt
neither do I wish to be ripped off which has been the case with a roofer
before. Now the spring has come we will redecorate the walls and forget
about it. We have to as such issues can seriously under mine my health,
increase may anxiety and consequently my OCD. Last spring and summer was
one round of one trades man after another, some of whom where blatant
rogues. Nothing of what they did worked, I wonder how such people sleep
at night. I have looked forward to this summer and will not have such
people blight my life. There is a lot to say about OCD scrupulosity and
although its exaggerated presentation causes misery it nonetheless is
nothing to be ashamed of and it is a shame that others cannot be as
scrupulously honest. It is beyond my comprehension how anyone can come
to your home and steal money, for indeed these people are stealing,
there is no other word for it. But of course these people do not give a
dam they steal from pensioners, the disabled any one naive or
vulnerable. In my opinion the law is far too lacks, these people get
away with it. Have you ever heard of a rouge trades person being
prosecuted and going to jail? I haven't. Why are not these people
prosecuted after all it is theft plain and simple. it was once called
“taking money under false pretences” but it is stealing despite such
elegant words. Furthermore many of these people not only do not carry
out the job required and overcharge you but often they make matters
worse or even steal in an obvious way from you, which was the case some
years ago when roofers stole tiles from our roof! We did catch these
bastards out and they did not receive payment but it was not possible to
do much else.
The adage to live one day at a time is a good one concerning such
issues . No it is not burying your head in the sand it is simply the
only course of action possible for us at this juncture. So for now we
paint over the damp stains and forget about it until next winter.
Trust me to start a ramble about something positive, the increase in
daylight hours, but somehow find something negative to ruminate about.
For you see this entry is in fact a rumination. This is the way our
minds work, even a positive thought soon turns to a negative one as
though ones mind is hell bent on its own destruction. Despite my
comments in the above paragraphs now the spring is almost here the
worrying about the worsening condition of our roof and what will happen
next year when the weather gets bad is already beginning to haunt me for
if it is not faced it will get worse and cost more. Life is difficult
for everyone but for people like us such things are a torment most
profound and sometimes you do not know what the hell to do about
anything and the only recourse is to bury your head in the sand or go
crazy. If indeed such is possible for sufferers of OCD and GAD ,whose
mind’s seem almost habitually to turn to the negative issues of life,
even if it is beyond our ability to do anything about them, into a major
trauma. We are
unable to live in the moment let alone for the day, the week, the month
or the year. We cannot compartmentalise and set aside our anxieties,
our worries and focus on the here and now no matter how much self talk
we give ourselves. No matter how much persuasion or advice to set aside
ones concerns stops our mind tuning again and again to whatever it is
that is driving our anxieties, precipitating our worries and inducing
our depression. Where ever we go we carry this burden with us. The
lovely scenery, the many places of interest, the flowers in spring and
summer the beautiful little lambs that are everywhere here, the blue
skies the warmth becomes merely a veneer as underneath our minds, our
focus is upon our fears, our anxieties and whatever it is that is
haunting us. And if it is not one thing than it is another; if one
problem is resolved another takes it place and that is how you live your
life. You hope of course each year that this year it will be different
but each year of my life it has been the same. I lament the wasted years
,yet I continue to waste whatever time is left. No not of my own volition
of course, I have fought against this, I have tried and tried but still
negative thoughts prevail, the obsessions that fire the compulsions, the
morbid ruminations and the worry, catastrophising GAD type concerns that
gnaw away at your mind feeding negativity with increasing frequency
until your life is utterly spent in worry, fear and depression.
Often writing helps me gain a perspective but writing this entry now as
served only to accentuate my concerns and has increased may anxiety and
depression. Every year come spring I say to myself that I am going to
take advantage of the longer days and warmer weather and try to
appreciate this as much as possible but I know this will not happen
there will be one worry after another and the more pleasant days will do
nothing more than remind of how much I have missed out on life and how I
continue to miss out on life. All I am trying to do is gain a little
happiness, some peace, even a modicum of contentment in the final part
of my life but OCD, depression, migraine and all the other illnesses
plus the negative behaviours of other people whose lives seem unscathed
despite their lack of morality prevent this, yes indeed the saying the
devil looks after his own at times seems quite a true saying.
March 5th
Today we are again in the Yorkshire dales, any delusions we had that
spring had arrived were soon dispelled as a bitterly cold wind wiped
across the hills and valleys. We had gone for our first lunch at our
favourite tearoom which had been closed for the winter months. Our
appetite sated after consuming this much anticipated but hurried and
stressful meal - everything now in life is anxiety provoking - we drive
round the hilly roads ascending to the summit of a nearby hill along an
unmarked one track road. The wind here is blowing a gale at velocities
far more fierce than we had anticipated. Despite lack of motivation -
that can’t be bothered to move feeling which I imagine dogs everyone
from time to time but which for anyone who is depressed perhaps presents
more frequently and is more difficult to ignore - with sheer bloody
determination I persuade my husband that despite the weather we should
at least take a short walk down to the fast flowing stream so as to
leave with the feeling that at least we did something other than sit in
the car, stare out of the window, read, or more negatively obsess and
ruminate or otherwise become engaged in sedentary and apathy borne
activities or rather lack of activities, at least physical ones.
OCD comes in many guises, some are not blatantly obvious, the sufferer is
often unaware that what their mind and consequent actions are engaged in
is in fact OCD. Sometimes OCD even presents in the guise of my attempts
to be normal which if looked at carefully are not really attempts to be
normal but just more obsessing. The notion that I have to do something
normal, useful, is one such OCD preoccupation with resulting compulsive
behaviours which is not easy to spot, at least not in the beginning.
This obsession consists of the notion that in order to enjoy, or have a
fulfilling day you should have done A,B,C and so on. For instance if out
for a day such as this one in the dales normal people would have a cup
of tea or a drink at the pub; go for a walk in the hills, visit places
of interest. Therefore if you have not achieved these you have not had a
normal day, you have had a day which has been ruled by OCD and other
illnesses and your life has been wasted. You become anxious if you
cannot fulfil this criteria of a satisfying day out and you return home
feeling depressed. Next time you become more anxious about the prospect
of experiencing these negative feelings that result from your perceived
failures and you therefore begin to obsess about the aforementioned
activities, and as a consequence you begin to feel anxious if you do
not participate in such activities and fear the resulting depression. This
is one of those dammed if you do dammed if you do not problems. It is
almost as though trying to enjoy your life and be as normal as possible
has in itself becomes an obsessive-compulsive behaviour even though at
first you started out with good intentions to improve your life and be
as normal as is possible.
With this intention in mind, and the obsession to make the most our of
the day as possible, is the obsession behind the compulsion to take a
walk even though I have a slight headache and the weather is bitterly
cold with a strong wind. Life is always beset with problems if you have
OCD and the simple matter of getting out of the car putting on my coat,
hat, gloves and Wellingtons is problematic. No hiking boots I am afraid
there are problems with finding a suitable pair of vegetarian walking
boots, I used to have a pair which become contaminated. I cannot afford
to replace them Wellingtons are easier to decontaminate, cheaper, and in
wet weather I use them. Shoes are an enormous problem for me concerning
OCD, I will tell you about this another time. The wind is so strong it
is difficult to open the door to get outside, struggling to find our
boots in the car boot a sudden gust of wind has our a road map, a piece
of typed paper and a plastic bag sailing through the air and up over the
hill. I panic. I hate litter and in particular plastic bags which are a
hazard to the environment as plastic is not biodegradable and it can
harm other creatures. But in seconds this bag had disappeared over the
hill. The foot path is like a bog I have to cross this to get over to
the hill which if I did so with my ordinary very leaky shoes I would
cause huge contamination problems. The typed paper falls into a puddle
along with a page from our road map. There is rabbit and sheep droppings
everywhere. I worry about picking up the paper and the map page, yet
conversely I fear leaving it there. The source of concern in the first
problem is obvious: contamination. The second concern is that the
smudged ink will contaminate the puddle and some unsuspecting creature
might drink from the puddle and die and also the ink may contaminate
the ground, as in make it toxic. Moreover what is written on the paper;
does it contain personal details? So much passes through your mind in
spilt seconds. A melting pot of dilemmas; obsessions and compulsions
which are at variance with one another: fears of contamination compel me
not to touch either the paper or the map page, yet fears of causing harm
by the ink and the anxiety about what is written there arises within a
resulting counter compulsion to pick it up. I hesitate panicking trying
to get my boots on and before I can grab the paper it too is blown over
the hill. I chase after both, retrieve the paper keeping it at arms
length the speed of the moment finally determining my decision to pick
it up.
I cannot see the plastic bag, I look everywhere it is bitterly cold I
worry about the cold making my headache worse setting my teeth aching.
My husband joins me and what was supposed to be a walk to look at the
stream is a scramble over the hill to look for this plastic bag, which
is long gone but I cannot let go and accept this. We accidentally
disturb two groups of grouse along the way through blundering about in
the heather I am now obsessing about warnings, recollections from last
year, not to disturb the grouse, pity such thoughts did not present
earlier, but what is done is done I cannot undisturbed them. Sometimes
with OCD if you cannot change the course of your actions you obsess
about them less or at least you are less anxious however instead of a
compulsion you have guilt. Your anxiety is now replaced by guilt or
worries that in some way something bad will happen as a consequence of
your carelessness despite your best intentions as you where of course
trying to do the right thing such as in this instance, retrieve the plastic bag. We struggle
up to the summit of the hill trying to turn this into that pleasurable
walk for that perfect satisfying day obsession. At the top the wind is
unbearable, there is neither satisfaction and not one iota of pleasure
unless you are masochist of some sort. We turn and make our way back
down the hill through bogs we barely gave heed to in our anxiety to
retrieve the bag. It is a huge struggle I am on the verge of panic for
reasons not that obvious although I fear an escalation in my headaches.
The wind is fierce, biting, my husband face is numb. I cover mine with a
scarf, struggling to keep my hair out of my mouth, I lament the
perversity of life. Yes I am actually saying such: I complain loudly
“why why why is life so difficult, so perverse, such a struggle, nothing
is easy” I cry. Even “I wanna to go home I just wanna go home“. Yes at
times I can be very immature but I guess I am weary of perversity,
perversity that others seem not to be beset by, or is it that others do
not set such store about matters most might deem as trivial mishaps and
not great catastrophes. The wind is a lot more problematic when you are
walking to wards it rather than having it at your back which was the
case when we embarked on this OCD motivated scrabble so this return
journey is much worse than I had expected..
Why does my husband go along with such you might ask. He is of course
concerned about litter but lets face it most people would have just let the
bag blow away on its merry way but I guess he too has his anxieties but
perhaps after thirty four years of marriage some of my anxieties have
rubbed off or he is simply trying to help me as he knows how distressed
I will be.
We did not retrieve the bag and got back to the car as quickly as
possible. We noticed two elderly men pass by calmly walking along the
road and turning off on to a footpath. They chat with each another, there
are of course no signs of stress they look set for a long walk and I
envy them. They are a good deal older than I yet life for them is most
likely not
thwart with all the anxieties and fears that blight my life nor the
aches and pains which accentuate such difficulties. For most a walk even
on a day like this, and there were a few walkers about, is a pleasure or at
least not an endurance test carried out to satisfy the whisperings or
outright screaming demands of rampant unremitting obsessions and
compulsions. We checked the tiny notice tacked on the foot path sign
post. "Dog owners are required to keep their dogs on leads and keep to
the footpaths and not to disturbed grouse". It said nothing about
frantic humans tiring to retrieve plastic bags to restrain themselves
from blundering about in the undergrowth :-). Yes I can in retrospect see the
funny side of this, often we can, can’t we, even the pain of OCD can
appear amusing even after years and years of torment particularly when
you relate such escapades to others. But I felt guilty about the grouse
and hope no harm was done,. We picked up a plastic bag we found as we
got near the car it was not ours but I hoped that at least it cancelled
out our blunder but still I continued to be anxious about leaving that
plastic bag and we drive over the hills hoping to see it but of course
it had been blown by now miles away who knows where.
March 7th
So many mistakes, I cannot believe how I did not notice them. I am
on-line checking my blog, yes I do this occasionally to get the feel of
how it looks on-line and... yes okay just to compulsively check. I know recently
before Christmas I said I was not going to be so obsessed with accuracy
and spend so much time and energy checking, obsessing, ruminating about
mistakes, grammar spelling, missing out words and other inaccuracies, and
in some ways I have perhaps been less meticulous. But this is only
because more persistent anxieties have presented, such as pressure to
write more for my website. Now concerning articles and other content for
my website I do feel here that I have to be more particular, unlike a
blog which is more casual, less formal I feel increased pressure when
writing an article or other content for my website. Particualry if
writing about matters of which I have no personal experience, for instance
the agoraphobia article which despite finally publishing I continue to
ruminate and obsess over its accuracy and so on. And to some extent that
has freed me from obsessing quite so much over my blog entries but today
I feel as though my anxieties concerning inaccuracies in my blog will
increase: grammar, spelling errors, missing words confusing sentences
you name it it is there in my first March entries. I had checked these entries
several times and did not notice these mistakes, which I ahve now
corrected. I have written about
his before, it is a problem which I have, missing out words, getting
words the wrong way round, not seeing mistakes after reading many times
and so on, the cause of which I am not
sure, perhaps it relates to ADD or Asperger's syndrome. It is I imagine
not an OCD thing and other OCD sufferers seem not to have this kind of
problem. Although I have recently learnt that most people fail to notice
these mistakes as their brains fill in the gaps were words are missing,
see the correct word instead of the incorrect word. So perhaps I should
not worry, but we do don’t we, worry is the nature of the beast if you have
OCD or GAD; most OCD sufferers have also GAD and worry it seems is apart
of our lives, a pervasive worry that overshadows our entire existence and after a
while as the years go by it may seem as though no amount time passes
during which you do not find yourself worrying about something even if
it is buried under more blatant OCD manifestations
March 8th
I am finding it increasingly more difficult to get out of bed in the
mornings despite my aches and pains and OCD intrusions. Since taking my
new migraine prophylactic I have slept better , sleepiness is a side effect.
Nonetheless I have still woken early at about 3pm but have been able to
return to sleep sometimes sleeping until after six which is not usual
for me. Recently however I have simply felt as though I cannot rise from
my bed and face the day as I once did. Yes I know that most people do
not get out of bed until seven on a week day and therefore my sleep
schedule seems now more normal. However it is not the pills or my
attempts at more normal sleeping hours that prevents me from rising so
early, rather it is an increase in depression, feelings of weariness and
lack of motivation. Once I am up it is better but still difficult I feel
now the urge to return to bed feeling terribly depressed.
Sometimes I think that little is ever going to change for me and I
envision the future, what ever remains, as becoming worse and worse.
Even if I could gain some control over my OCD and my migraine improved
along with all the other maladies life will continue to be a struggle
concerning issues of a practical nature which seem to occupy my life,
worries about the future of my son and many others too numerous to mention. I
still cannot cope with living here I cannot get used to it, it feels
terrible, alien. I continue to miss my sister and existential thoughts
haunt me. With approaching age my OCD intrusive thoughts concerning
death become more acceptable, as a child such thoughts were not normal
at least to the degree they presented, in adolescence and young
adulthood even middle age such thoughts should not have been in my mind
with such frequency, a frequency accentuated as my OCD was based upon
such morbid thoughts. But as I now approach old age these thoughts seem
less unnatural although I imagine more such thoughts present for me than
for others of similar age. Life seems a perpetual struggle every day, an
endurance test and I see little hope for improvement.
There are so many negative thoughts in my mind vying for space that life
seems one long round of worry, obsession, and carrying out compulsions.
I cannot make decisions even small ones: whether to go out or stay at
home, If we are out do we go here or there, turn left at the junction or
go right do we return home at 5 or 6. Such does not sound much of a
problem but believe me in addition to all the others torments it is, as
it enhances the misery, it occupies my mind with ceaseless negative
preoccupation, it overwhelms overloads. There are days that I do not
know what to do with my time, although I like to have set routines
whenever possible but if such routines are disrupted I am in a turmoil
of indecision. No this is not because there is nothing to do but rather
it is because I cannot make up my mind what to do. Should I paint, if so
what do I paint. Perhaps it is best to draw, again if so what do I draw,
Perhaps I should work on my computer on my website, if so what facet, my
blog, articles. If the weather is warm should I sit outside or remain
indoors. If I remain indoors my thoughts will tell me that am missing
out on the warm weather yet if I go inside my thoughts take an about
turn and torment me with the notion that I am wasting time and should
engage my self in more useful activates indoors. Indeed OCD is a complex
problem more pervasive than many realise although a psychologist said
that all my behaviours and neurotic presentations were not solely a result
of OCD. I did not ask him to be more specific for as you now I have
difficulty communicating and processing information. By the time I had
taken in that particular comment I was on my way home, the moment
missed.
March 9th
Today I had to go to the dentist, as regular readers of my blog know
I have dentist phobia. No this is not some normal anxiety that most
people have, it is an outright phobia and throughout my life the only
time I have gone to the dentist was when I was in excruciating pain. In
recent years other anxieties have caused me to over come this phobia
enough to at least get my fear filled self down to the dentist. And this
was only because of my fear of toothache increasing my headaches
and the possibility of developing an abscess with dire consequences.
Again my going to day is sadly not a triumph over my dentist phobia but
rather a case of one fear over riding another. Today I did not have toothache and was in fact going
for a check up, I have done this now three times and these are the first
times in my entire life that I have gone merely for a check up. This
again is due to fear not to repeat the complications of last time with a tooth so rotten
it was difficult to remove. I did do not wish to have the same happen
again. So again this is a case of one fear over writing another or at
least mitigating another rather than any positive progress concerning
confrontation with a phobia.
A trip to the dentist is still problematic and during the last
nine days after the clinic rang to arrange the appointment I experienced
an increase in my depression as is always the case when the dentist or
other medical procedure is imminent, even a trip to the doctor's can
cause considerable anxiety and an increase in my depression some
days preceding the appointment. Such depression here saps my motivation
and I tend to be less able to do much as the fear haunts me. It is not
just the procedure or possible procedures, such as in the case of the
dentist a filling or an extraction, but also now it is such anxieties
as: will there be anything untoward found such as cancer, as dentist
checks now include checking for signs of oral cancer. And of
course with a check up there is the possibilty that I may need a filling
and even if I know this is not likely the possibility is still there.
Moreover for the anxious person just the check up can be anxiety
provoking . Our dentist is thorough, scrapping away almost obsessively
at tiny bits of plague it is not painful although I am sensitive or at
least experience discomfort in an anticipation of possible pain. And the
memories return of past traumas of childhood and beyond, of fears so profound
and the lack of understanding concerning the needs of a scared child.
In general, although I am sure there are exceptions, dentists now are
more aware of and more understanding and accommodating concerning the
needs of people with dentist phobia. Dentist phobia is now more
recognised as a specific phobia than was once the case. In my childhood
such was not considered at all, particualry in the case of children. For
the most part dentists where impatient, stern and uncompromising, there
was no attempt to calm a frightened child, to reassure to coddle.
If your parents took you along to the dentist once you where in the
chair that was that; regardless of whether you cried or screamed
treatment was carried out without sympathy or understanding. I recall as
a child my fear was so profound that I had to be anaesthetised with an
injection, this today does not happen in a dentists practice and
hospital treatment is required because of the hazards of this procedure.
But in those days this was not the case and because of the scenes of
trauma I had this type of anaesthetic instead of what we used to refer
to as gas, which involved placing a mask, usually black, over ones face
and inhaling the fouled smelling anaesthetic. A local anaesthetic was
out of the question. However on one occasion this general anaesthetic
did not have an effect and gas was used despite my protests, screaming
and threats of setting my dad onto them. After about the age of twelve I
never went unless in dire pain although as time went on vanity and
concern about my appearance played a part. Nonetheless regular visits
where not an option and at times weeks and weeks even months would pass,
years if the tooth did not hurt or the effects did not show. Even when a
front tooth began to show signs of decay I hesitated trying not to smile
talking in such a way that this would not be seen, such had a
detrimental effect upon my self confidence and my social anxiety. This
would go on until for one reason or another I could stand it no longer.
By this time attitudes had changed and of course as an adult I had
control as to what treatment took place. for now there was more understanding
for people such as myself which helped to a degree, it was most certainly
an improvement on attitudes of past years.
It is such a pity that a more tolerant and understanding approach had
been such a long time in coming. My mother had a dreadful fear of the
dentist which far surpassed mine or my sister's, whose fear was
considerable. My mother from her late thirties onward never set foot in
a dentists clinic, not even to take my sister or I. Previously the
dentist she had trusted and who had been in fact understanding was
killed in a car accident. My mother claimed her fears where due to the
fact that having her teeth pulled dislocated her jaw and this dentist
had been the only one to administer treatment without this dire
consequence. I think this problem concerning the possible
dislocation of my mother's jaw may have been an excuse, an attempt
perhaps to try to avoid enhancing our fears. My mother would not even
consider a filling which of course would avoid such a possibility if
indeed this was the cause of her fear. My mother went through
excruciating pain with abbesses and severe toothache. How she endured
this pain I cannot imagine but she did, so great was her fear. The
effect that this eventually had on her appearance made her self
conscious and may have been one of the reasons that she was always
aggressive and off handed with people. She told my sister once how awful
it had been for her and how much this one fear had blighted her life,
how her unsightly appearance had effected her self confidence and her
social relations.
However for my mother and for myself also dentist
phobia is not the only phobia of this type to present; both she and I
and my sister all suffered with what is now called Medical Phobia which
is a fear of medical procedures. Now in many cases again attitudes have
changed considerably, but not always, and I have been faced, although
only very occasionally and not for along long time now, with an
impatient doctor, particualry at a hospital and such does little to help
patients such as I. I think there should be more emphasis on medical
phobia and dentist phobia and the anxiety experienced by some patients even
for quite simple procedures. Moreover fear is not the only facet here
many people such as myself find it difficult to be touched poked and
prodded, particualry problematic is the more invasive internal
examinations. Often with a little patience such procedures can be
carried out. An irritated doctor or other health professional only makes
matters worse and the patient may eventually return home having been
unable to face an anxiety provoking examination made worse by a medical
professional's impatience. My sister was not offered much sympathy or
understanding when she consulted the surgeon who was to perform her
heart by pass, a procedure that would scare even a normal person
let alone someone with an anxiety disorder. He was always abrupt and at
one consultation gave her lecture about not informing herself concerning
her condition and the nature of the procedure. I believe he was a caring
person and was supportive after things sent wrong it was just his
bedside manner that was not helpful for a person as anxious as my
sister. Just before my mother's death she was
experiencing gynaecological problems but could not face the prospects of
an internal examination. She told me how she actually went along to the
doctors for a cervical smear only to be confronted with rather a dragon
of a nurse. My mother's already tenuous courage was dissipated when met
with such an unpleasant attitude. My mother said that she could not
understand this type of attitude and why some, usually senior nurses, felt
it necessary to be like this. Apparently the rather negative of
medical professionals had made many situations more difficult for my
mother as in times past such approaches to patients was more common than
it is now. My
mother left without being examined. We will never know what her condtion
was but I believe it was of some concern as after her death her doctor
told my sister that my mother had quite a lot of worrying complaints but
had resisted attemps to persuade her to undergo an examination.
People with medical phobia are often very sensitive and the
attitude of the medical professional be it a nurse, doctor, dentist,
can become the determining factor as to whether or not the patient can
summon the courage to undergo treatment of which he or she is fearful.
And keep in mind that the procedure may in fact not be anything that
others would consider as particualry traumatic. For instance my mother
would never have her ears syringed, a simple albeit uncomfortable
procedure.
At one time I even refused blood tests fearful that someone would
inject air into my veins by accident but after some encouragement and
understanding this has now become a common place procedure which holds
little or no fear. Another time I would not have an internal examination
until pregnancy made this essential and I was than only persuaded to do
so by the kindness and patience of the consultant gynaecologist. Please
remember doctors, nurses and other health professionals, we do not want to be this way, always
frightened, we would rather be as normal people. It is not the intention
of anyone with a medical or dentist phobia to be difficult or awkward. I
would like nothing better than to get any examinations over with as
quickly as possible. I would like not to have to anticipate forthcoming
examinations with increasing dread and anxiety as the time approaches.
We do not react with anxiety just to make your life difficult. Often I
return home feeling very guilty and embarrassed but also a little angry.
Such is not often the case now and things have improved but there is
always that concern that you will be met at the very least with
indifference at the worse with an impatient attitude.
Yesterday as I left the dentist on cloud nine filled with relief that
that was that for another six months and there had been no problems I
felt resentment for all those in the past who made, what for every one is not
a pleasant procedure, into one of hellish
proportion that was accentuated by the lack of understanding and
compassion on the behalf of dentists. My parents of course played a
role in all of his but I guess they could not cope with the fear and
anxiety that my sister and I felt whenever we had to go to the dentist
and therefore after a time stopped taking us to see the dentist with the
result that in adult hood both my sister and I lost many of our teeth. At
one point my sister had to go into hospital to have all her teeth
removed in her mid thirties because of her severe fear. Moreover
proceeding this she had weeks of depression and anxiety. I recall her
telling me how deeply depressed she was at this prospect. So it is not
just what happens at the appointment but such phobias as dentist and
medical phobia can have far reaching effects on your life not only
during the consultations but for many many weeks before, so such fears
are by no means trivial they can be very pervasive indeed and can effect
your entire life and even bring about premature death if the sufferer is
too anxious to undergo invasive examinations.
March 10th
Sometimes I think I have as many obsessions and phobias as Adrian
Monk the TV detective who is portrayed as having a variety of disorders
including OCD, and a wide range of phobias, he also appears to exhibit
the symptoms of Aspergers syndrome with his social ineptitude, his keen
attention to detail and his detection skills. Coincidently this
weeks episode was about Mr Monk's dentist phobia. His reactions may seem
to those less aware of this condtion as extreme. However I can assure
you that his reactions are most certainly not exaggerated. I Find this
program well presents these condtions and for some his obsessions,
compulsions, phobias and social hang-ups are a reality and the character
is for some of us a very realistic representation. Although of course
the mental torment of his behaviours is not represented, but than it is
a TV programme, the purpose of which is to entertain. Some people say
that those of us with these disorders should be offended. For me
personally this is not the case, on the contrary I look forward to this
programme, it gives me an opportunity to laugh at myself and view myself
from another perspective. But more importantly it does inform the
general public to some degree concerning the nature of these disorders
and how they interact with one another to produce a unique person with a
difficult life despite the abilities that he or she may have, such as Mr
Monks detective skills.
Like Mr Monk my mother was even uncomfortable talking about the
dentist, and this episode did in fact make me feel extremely anxious and
had it been televised last week it would have made my trip to the
dentist more anxiety provoking. My mother like Mr Monk did not even like
to enter the dentists clinic to take us and whenever my sister and I had
to visit from dire necessity she always arranged for someone else to
accompany us, when my aunt was alive mostly she went with us. My sister
could not bear to walk past the door and even the smell of mouth wash
reminded her of the dentist and made her anxious. Like
hypochondria the fear of the dentist is common as a co-morbid condtion
with those of us who suffer with an anxiety disorder. Why? It is
difficult to explain. Yes like Mr Monk we are phobic about so many
things but somehow the dentist is a phobia all on its own, in its own
category, and to explain why this is so is in fact very difficult. Is it
the pain, the injections, the procedures ? Some say that if their teeth
where in their leg the anxieties would be less. Why is this. Is it
perhaps that you feel helpless someone messing about in your mouth,
where you cannot see what is going on, yet having a procedure done
to your ears does not have the same effect. Here in the UK you have to
go to hospital to be sedated, here a trip to the dentist you have only
the choice of local anaesthetic, because of the dangerous of sedation,
so you are fully aware during the whole process. Everyone has their own
unique fears regarding the dentist.
March 12th
Boss Back OCD is a new website created by a father and son for
parents and teachers of children with obsessive compulsive disorder.
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have felt my own desperation and sometimes despair. We want others to
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Articles, forums, user rated OCD links section. Boss Back Buddies:
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Please take a few moments to visit
BossBackOCD
March14th
If a gloriously sunny day and after yesterday's gloomy, wet and
depressing weather it once again feels as though spring has arrived. I
have no headache to speak of although it seems that the prophylactic
medication my doctor prescribed is not working as I had two migraines in
four days and a severe headache last night along with bouts of waking
feeling as though I am chocking and a scary episode which had all the
appearance of an asthma attack even though this is one condition from
which I do not suffer. I did have a seven day migraine free period,
this occasionally happens from time to time but it did lead me to feel
as though perhaps the new medication was helping but the two migraines
since than have cast some doubt and once again I feel panicky about this
increase, but what happens in the next few days will determine if the
medication has worked. Prophylactic medication will only improve my
migraine frequency by about 50 percent which is well worth of course
taking the medication , but I have to wait and see what happens during
the rest of this week.
However now, today, right now, in this moment I have nothing much to
immediately concern me, so why can't I enjoy this lovely day. The sad
thing is that I am completely unable to stop worrying or obsessing
about one thing or another. Whatever action I take I obsess I should
have taken another. Whatever choice I make I am tormented with the
thought I should have made a different choice. Everyday even if there is
nothing immediately to concern me my mind will present with something
and thus my life is marred. I cannot, try as I may,
compartmentalise. It is sad to that despite this lovely day it is beyond my
ability to enjoy it as my mind turns again and again to one torment or
another. And so this goes on one weary day after another. No I do not
think that it is all a result of my OCD as more general anxieties rather
like GAD present but in an OCD way and like OCD they will not be
quelled, mitigated or dismissed and persist with the same intensity as a
more specific OCD torment.
I do not lament my misery in order to make anyone depressed but the
idea of this blog is to tell you what my life is like and today it
really is a torment and it is indeed so everyday in one way or another
and I wonder what it would be like to be free of such torture, to feel
that there is some joy in life and that it is not one round of worry
after another.
Today I load up my entries which I have written over a number of
days, some now seem rather out of date and the time I wrote them seems
so long ago now although in some cases it was only last week.
Still I have not been able to overcome the difficulties that prevent me from
publishing as soon as my entries are written.
Well I don't know where I
am going with this entry, there is so much going on today and if I get
stated it will finish up with a long ramble that will take days to check
and time to ruminate and obsess about and if I do than these entries
will be delayed still further. I guess this is an attempt to
publish at least this one entry on the day it is written which was in
fact none to successful for you see half an hour later upon checking I
find so many mistakes which if you are reading this now have been
corrected but which I will no doubt check again and again.
This is the forth time of checking and republishing and of course the
more I write the more I will have to check, so today whatever you see
now mistakes and all has to suffice. It is indeed easier to publish a
number of entries at one time rather than attempt to do so each day if
this attempt is anything to go by.
To lighten the mood take a look the
photos my husband has taken last week of some of the first spring lambs
This Ewe was very attentive to her lamb and followed her everywhere.
Below is a group of lambs with their mothers this photo is sized for
desktop wall paper.
March 19th
I have just finished reading Asperger Syndrome:
My Puzzle by Gay Eastoe. I read this quickly over a few days, I
found it difficult to put down, it was as though I was reading about
myself and the problems I have had all my life concerning my social
relationships and interactions with others. This lady who is of
similar age to myself has only relatively recently been diagnosed
with Aspergers syndrome after leading a very difficult socially
isolated life with problems relating to other people. The
similarities are uncanny except for the fact that I have OCD as a
separate or duel diagnosis and OCD is my primary condition, by
primary condition I mean the condition that is of most detriment,
and as of yet I have no formal diagnosis of AS. She
could so easily have been describing me in this account of her life
as so many of her symptoms matched mine, in particular her
descriptions of her difficulties with social interactions. Gay
describes well the pain of social isolation to which many of us may
relate. Recounting one of many incidents during her years as a
University student Gay describes her feelings of social isolation :
” ...one evening when I had been invited to another girl’s room for
a drink of coffee and although I did not know her I appreciated her
kindness and affability and accepted her invitation. Unfortunately
for me when I entered her room all I could see where people
everywhere - her room was packed! Much to my dismay the only place
left for me to sit was right in the middle of the room. I was
completely surrounded by people and I realised that as far as I was
concerned there was no escape! I sat there frozen not daring to move
a muscle. I was petrified and really nervous and anxious in my
predicament. I felt so awkward because I assumed that everyone was
looking at me and analysing me as a person. I did not like people
looking at me. I said absolutely nothing and I had no idea what I
could do to improve my position. it was like having a brick wall in
my head, which I had no way of crossing. All around me people
chatted and laughed and I had no idea how I could join in. It seemed
so unfair, why could I not be like them. What had I done to be dealt
this cruel blow of being so incredibly socially inept? At all cost I
had to get out of that room but I could not move because I was so
frightened. That was the longest cup of coffee I had...”
Social issues are of course only one facet of this
condition, other diagnostic criteria includes: sensory impairments
such as a heightened sensitivity to sound, hearing sounds other do
not hear for instance. Also hypersensitivity to clothing which may
feel rough, tight or in some way highly irritating, such as seams.
Sensitivity to bright light is also common amongst those with this
diagnosis. Difficulty with eye contact, social communication
,dislike of being touched and so on. For a more detailed description
please visit link Aspersers syndrome NAS
After reading this book I am even more convinced
that I have Asperger syndrome in addition to my OCD. I do understand
that there are difficulties in the diagnosis of OCD and Aspergers as
a duel diagnosis because of the considerable overlap particularly
concerning obsessive-compulsive behaviours. Nonetheless there are
people who do receive a duel diagnosis and I think that my
circumstances warrant this consideration and this I feel even more
strongly after reading this book, although this lady has not a duel
diagnosis of OCD nonetheless after reading her account of AS I feel
almost certain that I do indeed have AS.
Furthermore it is my opinion that there is a
connection between OCD and autism particularly Aspergers, moreover I
think that there are many OCD sufferers who warrant a duel
diagnosis. In order to gain some mastery over OCD it is important to
recognise and take into account the presence of co existing or co
morbid conditions. I propose to share with you in due course a
comprehensive account of my ideas concerning this and also the
reasons why I think I have Aspergers syndrome or other ASD in
addition to my OCD. I think in time my ideas concerning a connection
between autism and OCD and the fact that many OCDers have both
conditions will eventually be more recognised, if it is not already
and I propose to ask around and carry out research on the net.
Although thus far I have found that there is little information upon
the net other than comments by non medical professionals such as
myself. It is my opinion and my opinion only that OCD may be the
result of a different combination of the same genes involved with
autism and depending on how these genes mutate or are arranged one
either suffers with autism or OCD or both. Moreover there may be
similar connections with other anxiety disorders and also eating
disorders, my sister in retrospect had many autistic
characteristics. As with any condition of course other conditions
may exist co-morbidly as is the case with Gay who also suffers with
anxiety and later in life with what appears to be mild agoraphobia,
both anxiety and depression are common conditions amongst people
with Aspergers. Maybe this is wild idea I am not a geneticist and my
opinion is entirely mine based on no evidence whatsoever other than
my own ideas. However from personal experiences, and my associations
with some OCD sufferers who seem to me to present also with at least
autistic traits and in some cases may well qualify for diagnosis,
even if the genetic idea is way off I continue to consider that
there is a connection between OCD and ASDs. I believe that the
existence of an ASD with OCD is more common than it appears to be. I
consider the possibilty that Howard Hughes may have had Asperger
Syndrome in addtion to his OCD and that it may have been the reason
why his OCD was seemingly intractable and severe. Just an idea which
has occurred to me recently.
Read this book, see if you recognise yourself in the
pages of this autobiography which has been written in the authors
own personal style.
Even it you do not think that you have AS but that
you are shy or have social phobia or avoidant personality disorder
you will be able to relate to Gay's descriptions of her social
isolation and perhaps feel less alone and know that you are not the
only one who has experienced difficulties in your social
relationships with others.
Whatever label we give them social interaction
difficulties are crippling in all our endeavours in life, in our
personal relationships, our education opportunities our careers and
so on, there is no area in life that is not effected by any
inability or difficulty to communicate. As Gay points out in her
book people simple do not wish to associate with any one who is
quiet and who does not talk much and people associate your quietness
with stupidity. Social interaction difficulties of any kind are a
significant detriment and the impact of such condtions where this
manifests is considerable and should not be underestimated. It is
said that Asperger syndrome is not really a disorder and that it is another
way of being, a different type of person however this is not really
the case as anyone with any social disability in communicating with
others has a difficult life indeed and often ends up in lonely
isolation, moreover people with Asperger syndrome also present with anxiety
and depression along with the other symptoms mentioned above.
Asperger syndrome: Puzzle
The National Autistic Society - Asperger syndrome - my puzzle
Also available from the usual book retailers
March 20th
It snowing like crazy, its the day before the 1st
day of spring, its bitterly cold with a biting wind, a sharp
contrast to the mild winter the result of climate change which has
everyone worried. Every spring it does this though when all the
spring flowers are in bloom and there are tiny new born lambs
everywhere many of which die during these cold snaps of winter’s
final goodbye. It is rather a shock to the system after weeks of
feeling that spring is here and that the winter has been kind. At
least it has for us here in the north of England in comparison to
winters of past decades. The snow has not accumulated here but I can
see the snow on the distant hills and although I am tempted to go
out today I really feel so weary after the misery of last week’s
wet, windy and gloomy days and headache after headache one of which
presented when we were out and was particularly severe.
I do not want to allow my increase in migraine and
indeed depression and apathy to deter me from going out but just
lately it is becoming increasingly difficult to fight against such
fears and the increase in motivating sapping depression. It is a
constant fight between myself, my body and my mind and considering
the adversity with which I have had to contend I do my best to try
and lead as normal life as possible. Accept in reality there is
little in my life which is normal. After a while one becomes so
entrenched in ones routine, even a routine that is based on neurotic
fear and avoidance that often I do not question my actions and their
motivations. No I have not lost insight into the neurotic nature of
my behaviours but this consideration is often nowadays not in the
forefront of my mind, at least not when it comes to considering each
and every action and what motivates such action. If I where to
analyse each action, each thought, I would be shocked to find out
that most of what I do, say, or think is a result of my OCD or other
mental health or neurological condition.
Yesterday my GP suggested I try to set aside a time
during the day to do something I enjoyed such as reading or
whatever, something upon which to focus my attention. And yes this
works with one or two pass-times : my writing and the computer. Yet
even here of course OCD rears its ugly head and it does so
notwithstanding all my attempts to ignore it. Yet indeed such advice
is sound and even with the interference of OCD it does afford some
respite but not entirely. I
did not like to say that there really is
no activity where OCD does not intrude as I would appear to be so
negative, so I said little except to say that I liked to paint. But
really this is spoiled by perfectionist tendencies, indecision and
certain contamination concerns, although these are not to the extent
they once where with painting. Here is an example of subconscious
acceptance without insight concerning the situation and I rarely
consider the reasons why I avoid certain art materials. I have
learnt to paint and use materials which do not bring about such
levels of toxic contamination fears. I would liked to paint in oils
as the effect is better; smoother, more translucent, easier to blend
but this involves using toxins such as turpentine which are harmful
to people, animals, the environment and the anxiety of using such
and the OCD decontamination rituals this would incur are just too
overwhelming therefore I use less toxic paints such as acrylic,
watercolours and gauche, at least I hope they are less toxic. But
here there is still some anxiety when it is time to throw away a
finished tube which of course is not really empty in the literal
sense of the word, there is always traces of paint, I always feel
anxious and have not in fact ever thrown an empty paint tube away
the same goes for cloths to wipe paint and so on. Often now I do not
think about these considerations so habitual is this avoidance. So
painting as a distraction is good but nonetheless there is anxiety
trying to navigate through the maze of OCD. The same applies to
reading with the problem of the unlucky number concern. In fact I
would be hard pushed to find any area of my life that does not
involve OCD or other disorder interfering.
Going out and about into the country side is
something that I know I would enjoy if it where not for my OCD, my
headaches, migraine, IBS and all the other problems which make any
trip out a trail of endurance rather than one of pleasure. Such
trips our riddled with difficulties arising from all the
aforementioned. Sometimes I take it all for granted without
analysis, habitually avoiding OCD confrontations often not
consciously realising how incapacitating they are. Sometimes I think
that I need to take stock of my situation and not allow this kind of
acclimatisation, metaphorically speaking, to mask the fact that I
need to try to improve my situation where I am able to make some
stand, instead of allowing it to run its course unimpeded increasingly
taking away larger and larger portions of my life. The sad part
through about OCD is that ignoring it does not prevent its
continuous incursion into your life; unless one actively tries
to combat OCD it grows rather like an untreated tumour spreading
devastation throughout every facet of your entire life.
March21st
The first day of spring, the weather is glorious it
has snowed overnight but only a slight sprinkling. But the clouds
have dispersed and the sky is bright clear blue and despite the
bitter cold the weather forecast is good. And for the first time
this week we decide to go out into the Yorkshire dales albeit with
the usual battle against crippling apathy and anxiety, which is in
fact today is more of a problem than usual. The urge to remain at
home is powerful and the temptation to succumb to these feelings is
strong but I know that if I start to stay at home because of these
feelings gradually I will venture out from my home less and less.
Moreover, notwithstanding the feelings of trepidation and depression
and all the other problems I love going into the countryside, the
relatively close proximity to some of the UK's magnificent scenery
is about the only advantage of living here. Other than these trips I
simply enjoy nothing about our new location which is not really new
as it will be five years this year that we came to live here and
still it feels strange alien, not my home. Maybe it is because of
the many the many awful things which have happened since moving here
which today I will not elaborate upon because most is accounted for
elsewhere either else where in my blog or my memoir or other
writings here on my website.
On Friday whilst out I had one of the most severe
migraines that I can recall in a long while and one that came on
quickly and this has increased my apprehension. So today I go out
with mixed feelings although today after a nasty headache during the
night I am virtually pain free, headache wise that is. Nonetheless I
am nervous, the wind is still bitter cold and I have to make sure my
head is covered. Yes I am determined but it is also fear that drives
me out today, fear concerning the resulting depression that I will
experience if I give into my fears and the already existing apathy
about going out. It is a dammed if I do, dammed it I do not
situation and it is better that I make the more positive choice even
though both options are based on neurotic thinking.
Having finally decided to go out it turned out to be
an enjoyable day. I use the word enjoyable here with some hesitation
for indeed no day is without problems, how could it be, for even
without all the other maladies OCD, all on its own ,will screw up
anything you do. But some days it is easier and to day relatively
speaking is one of those days. I felt as though I would have liked
to have gone for a walk having felt more encouraged to so do after
reading the book Aspergers syndrome: My Puzzle mentioned in the
previous entry. Gay Easton, a keen runner and fell walker,
experiences some similar physical manifestations of pain, weakness
numbness as I do which she
describes in her autobiography
Since reading of her experiences I intend to push
through the pain, the weakness and numb feelings in my legs that
start, if they are not already present, almost as soon as I begin to
walk with any determination . Perhaps for me also if I push through
this I will be able to go for walks farther a field although I would
most certainly never manage the kind of distances Gay has
accomplished because of my fears of a migraine or severe headace
attack and being far from the car. But to walk perhaps a mile or two
on a day when I feel that I have a good chance of not getting a
migraine would be fantastic. We did walk a short distance but the
foot path fizzled out but it was perhaps lost amongst the boggy
terrain made worse by the recent wet weather.
As we approached over the Dales through the Stang
forest we were greeted by hills covered with a sprinkling of snow
which sparkled in the brilliant sunshine. it has to be said that no
matter the weather here, it is a beautiful place however when the
sun is shinning and the sky is blue, the scenery is even more
breathtaking, it elevates your mood. Even though it was still quite
cold as we progressed down to the valley the weather become warmer
as though all of a sudden yester days last fling of winter was
behind us
March 23rd
Below is a link to a new OCD organisation here in
the UK called OCD Today.Uk
The website purpose is to provide information for
sufferers and the general public. the following is an excerpt from
the home page and is an introduction to the website
"OCD today.uk is a UK-base website providing
information for sufferers with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Throughout this website we aim not to forget their family, friends
and carers, who may also be affected by this disorder.
Most of you reading this will already know something about this
condition, but those who don't will find this website very useful.
OCD today.uk is a UK website dedicated to providing information and
support for sufferers and to the general public.
We know how important it is to have information and support for
people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). That is why we've
put together this new, reliable and user friendly website for all
age groups. OCD today.uk aims to bring awareness to sufferers and
for people who may have little knowledge of this debilitating
anxiety disorder. People with OCD suffer intensely from anxious
thoughts or rituals that they feel they can't control. They may be
plagued by persistent, unwanted thoughts or images, or by the sudden
need to engage in certain rituals."
Useful information on a wide range of topics
relating to OCD plus forum and sufferers stories.
please take a few moments to visit
OCD today.uk
March 24th
If spring came but once a
century instead of once a year, or burst forth with the sound of an
earthquake and not in silence, what wonder and expectation there
would be in all hearts to behold the miraculous change.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Yes spring is here but on the calendar only as today although it is
milder it is dull overcast and chilly but we did mange to take a few
photos of Daffodils in the Botanic Gardens. Today I will give you a
rest from my complaining and share with you something positive, here
are couple of photographs of daffodils, it is amazing that
sometimes within days how everything is transformed by the sudden
spurt of the growth of plants whose bright array of colours cheers up
even the most dismal of days.
March 25th
In two days time the Canadian seal hunt commences,
please visit the website site of the Human society . Please click on the links
for ways to take action to stop this dreadful atrocity against these
harmless and defenceless creatures once and for all
Take Action: Urge Canada's Prime Minister to Stop the Seal Hunt
Protect
Seals.
March 26th
Spring really has come to day in a day of gloriously
warm sunshine most exceptional for late March. Those of you who live
here in the UK know how remarkable today was. We were in the north
Yorkshire moors where even on a summer's day it can be chilly. But today
even here it is just perfect by 10 or 11 am is it is warm not just mild,
but sunny, real warmth and clear bright blue skies. The difference that
the weather makes to ones mood should not be underestimated and although
I would never in all honesty describe myself as happy or even contended,
care free or other positive description on such a day as to day my mood
is enhanced. The world seems a less hostile place even though from time
to time the usual thoughts and anxieties arise, existential anxieties
come to the fore as we stop off to visit a very old church possibly
dating from medieval times. But although the grave stones are grim
reminders and give rise to morbid considerations the whole place is
covered with daffodils a most pleasant distraction. In a nearby field
are three rams, very affectionate creatures the two adult animals rub
heads in obvious affection to confirm even to the most sceptical that
animals do have feelings and can show affection towards one another and
are not walking food factories but sentient beings with thoughts and
emotions. Little lambs scatter as we approach their field to take a
photo, after reaching a safe distance they stop and stare with similar
curiosity as ourselves before rushing to mum for a feed. We have noticed
how lambs do this whenever they are startled, rather like those of us
who rush to the food cupboard or fridge when we are anxious, frightened
or depressed. Perhaps food affords comfort for all creatures or is it
their mothers reassurance they seek. Perhaps I am fond of sheep because
they rather remind me of myself, always
timid, anxious, jumping at very sound, seeing danger where there is none.
We had planned to go to the ruins of
Mount Grace priory, we have been before several times you will see a
drawing of it in the gallery, it is owned by English Heritage an old
priory left to go to ruin after the dissolution, it is both an
historically interesting place and a place of peaceful tranquillity
although you can faintly hear the hum of traffic from the main road and
during the peak of the summer season it can be more crowded but never
overly so. But today it is closed despite the fact that information on
their website says otherwise. None of us are good at coping with
disappointment, not because we are childish but because a change in
plans causes anxiety. But yes we are rather angst, I and indeed my son
also get so angry at this kind of incompetence after all it is a journey of
thirty or forty miles. We decide to make the best of it and go elsewhere
after some ranting and raving, yes temper and anger are significant
problems of late I am increasing irritable and frustrated. But there are
other places to go, on the edge of the North York moors Mount Grace
Priory is not far from many lovely scenic and interesting places: open
moors , running
streams, rolling hills and other places of interest and we go
to
Rievaulx Abbey
(external
link English Heritage),
A similar tranquil place which we have been before which unlike Mount
Grace is set away from the sound of a main road in the tranquillity of
the moors. But still one often is subjected to noise, this time it is
the drone of a grass cutter or other appliance that as soon as the sun
shines people rush out and use polluting the air with dreadful noise and
shattering the peace of the first real day of spring .
We wonder through the
remains of what was once a huge monastic complex which was again left to
ruin after the
dissolution of the
monasteries. We go to many
such places, besides the historical interest most are set in scenic
pleasant locations, usually a valley, there is often a river or stream
as there of course would have been need to be beside running water. Most
are still in rural areas far away from the clamour of noise and
confusion and they are pleasant places to visit even if you have no
interest in this aspect of history, I find monastic medieval life
interesting, the routine and order appeal to me a person who likes the
former and is totally at variance with the latter. I do wonder though
why many choose to abandon a normal life to such a vocation but, other than piety, in those
days of abject poverty perhaps the thoughts of financial security and
shelter may have played a role in such choices, at
least until the dissolution. I doubt of course if all was ever as
orderly and peaceful and contemplative an atmosphere as one imagines and
I can well consider that here where the usual bickering, division,
contention and power struggles as there are when any group of people
have to live in cooperation with one another. The museum here has
interesting facts about what life was like here, the reality of the
hardships of day to day living. Contending with the bitter cold of the
more severe climate of the middle ages, where there was only one room
called the warming room that had a fire and when it was quite likely
that in late March snow would still be lying. The strict routine of
getting up twice a night to say mass having only two sets of clothing
one for night-time one for the day and only one blanket made of wool,
which was probably riddled with lice and which was itchy in the extreme.
Particularly to those of us sensitive to rough clothing the very thought
makes one feel itchy.
Although the
peace remains I would imagine that one would need to wait until the
visitors had gone and the hassle of everyday life, including the
enthusiastic gardener with his noisy grass cutter in a neighbouring
house and the dreadfully loud humming noise in the museum that I could
only bear for a short while, had ceased to really appreciate the
tranquil atmosphere of the place. Such hassle includes the
necessity of buying a £4 parking fee to use in the car park which was
refunded I know when purchasing an entry ticket. It is nonetheless an
irritation of struggling to find the correct amount of change,
experiencing difficulty getting the ticket machine accept it, call for
assistance from English Heritage staff only to find that one of our
pound coins was a fake and was the reason the machine did not accept it. I
cannot imagine that forging pound coins was a very lucrative crime but
with close examination yes indeed this was a fake, I guess few people
would bother to check coins and perhaps this is the reason why these are
now being counterfeited. Such perversity make me irritable and I have to
bite my tongue and not rant on about the inconvenience, which is minor in
the great scheme of things and is necessitated by the bad behaviour of
others who leave their car in the once free car park, which is meant for
visitors to the abbey, and going off instead to the many walks in the
area and thus leaving no parking space for genuine visitors. All in all
there is something to be said for OCD scrupulosity, the OCD tendency to
do the right thing in all situations, this is also and AS tendency so
perhaps I get a double dose here.
On the way home after a pleasant trip including a look
round the village of Helmsley we make our way home stopping at the
supermarket
to buy toilet roils but purchasing salad and other items we had not
intend and leaving without the toilet rolls. I really do think all three
of us have some attention deficit and short term memory problems it is
becoming quite worrying and frustrating.
March 28th
Another glorious day except I
have migraine it will take some hours to be sure it is migraine and not
a tension headache. It has been eight days since my last attack I
thought the medication was working but no this strange respite occurs
now and again before the attacks resume their frequency of every other
day and at times two days consecutively. My doctor thinks stress is
making them worse. If this was the case why do these week long breaks
occur? I am after all stressed all the time. However during these breaks
I get the most severe tension headaches lasting for hours. I really do
not know quite what I can do or indeed if there is anything I can do.
People really do not understand the pain of migraine or what it is like
to have some kind of headache everyday for the last fourteen years. Some
days the tension headache is mild to moderate and lasts from about half
an hour to many hours but there are these occasionally more severe
attacks which seem to come when my migraine is having this week long
respite as if to fill in the gaps. They are easier to cope with despite
quite severe pain but there is no medication that will alleviate these
attacks that I can take on a regular basis
I have asked this question before, but hey I do have
OCD and I have this tenancy to repeat myself over and over but if there
is anyone who is having similar problems please would you contact me
even if it is only to compare notes so to speak. In many ways migraine
at this frequency and intensity is more disabling than my OCD and at the
very least makes it impossible for me to cope with my OCD. Migraine also
becomes enmeshed in my OCD behaviours and thinking processes, there are
many rituals concerned with my migraine. OCD will influence all aspects
of your life and no illness whether physical or mental should be
considered in isolation.
It is the afternoon
before we can go anywhere. Although I woke with migraine it was not
until 11am that I felt confident that this headache was not a tension
headache and I took my pain relief medication. With determination but
nonetheless with some initial hesitancy we did go out for a while to take
advantage of the lovely weather but even this early on in the spring the
sun was very bright for my sensitive eyes. We made our way to the Durham
Dales a favourite place of ours, here few visitors come to spoil the
peace and quiet and here you can hear the sounds of nature, the babble
of streams, the cry of birds, the bleating of sheep, but sadly
intermingled with the roar of a speeding car or motorbike tearing
intermittently through the mostly disserted roads which are sadly a
great temptation for speeding vehicles driven by an increasing number of
inconsiderate people who its seems have little regard for their own
lives or that of their family’s or other road users including the sheep
which here graze freeing in this vast unfenced mostly unspoiled
landscape. Except there is litter scattered along the roads that wind
their way through the hills blighting the pleasant unspoiled country
side. The dropping of litter really drives me crazy. Why the hell can’t
people take their rubbish home. It is bad enough in a city but here in
the open countryside such careless thoughtless behaviour seems a
violation, it is an eyesore and more importantly it is harmful to
wildlife. It costs time and money to pick up. I was shocked on one
occasion in the Yorkshire dales to find at least a dozen empty mineral
water bottles thrown away near the stile leading to a popular footpath. The only
people responsible for this would be hikers or runners, shocking
considering such people engage in such pastimes to enjoy the
countryside, yet they defile it and ruin it for others
We find a footpath over the
hills and walk a short distance. I am anxious should my migraine return
and thoughts play on my mind as my mind turns to advice concerning too
much exercise and an increase in migraine. What is too much exercise
anyway? Sufferers of migraine are advised to exercise yet too much
exercise has a bad effect but how much is too much? My numb leg symptoms
come into effect after barely a few yards and I have to determine to
push through this, I continue but I am anxious to venture too far, but
fear of failure spurs me on; if I give in to my increasingly numb legs
feeling and my migraine fears I will feel depressed. I ask my husband
over and over if he wants to turn back knowing he is keen to go as far
as possible. I have this compulsion to keep asking until I get the right
answer but sadly there is never a right answer for as soon as he says he
would like to turn back, no doubt because he feels this is what I want,
I feel guilty for not going further and once gain giving into fear. I
obsess about this and over and over comment that perhaps we should have
gone on and that we should now find another walk elsewhere.
Notwithstanding
standing OCD and anxieties about my migraine, which I guess is sort of
an OCD or GAD type fear, it was pleasant day and I am glad we took
advantage of the nice weather and went out despite some mixed feelings.
But there are always mixed feelings and indecision. When its time to go
home I wished we had stayed longer but if we had other thoughts would
have presented and I would than consider that we should have gone home
sooner. My mind is a nightmare of torture and even in the tranquilly of
such a lovely place it finds something to torment me with.
March 28th
While looking for
information for someone who sufferers with social anxiety I came across
a UK based website
Social Anxiety UK ( external link
Social anxiety UK) Social anxiety is
more prevalent than many people realise and often when you have social
anxiety yourself you tend perhaps to forget this. And when you are met with
similar problems exhibited by other people, when you yourself are making
an effort to socialise, you put this down to rudeness or unsociableness instead of perhaps thinking that this person also may
have some form of social anxiety. Social anxiety presents as social
phobia and avoidant personality disorder and in condtions such as Asperger syndrome and other
ASDs. This website's focus is mostly on the social anxiety of social
phobia and avoidant personality disorder but for anyone who is
experiencing problems with social interaction it is well worth a
visit
Social Anxiety UK
March 31
"The Department of
Fisheries and Oceans has just announced that despite the ecological
tragedy that unfolded in the Gulf of St. Lawrence this month, the
commercial seal hunt will proceed." The humane Society of the
United States
Please read the articles from
the Humane Societies' website
Animal Welfare Experts Appalled by Number of Seals to Be
Slaughtered | The Hum
This atrocity begins on
April 2nd. For actions you can take
click the banner below
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Disclaimer :
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and
have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries .
However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not
necessarily reflect my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
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All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
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