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Blog Roll
Blog
Roll disclaimer*
Links
to recommended blogs:
OCD
Wiping The Crazy Off My Face
Incertus - The Weblog of Doubt
and Other Disorders
There is a diary included as
part of the following website:
My Obsessively Clean
Den
Where Justin can be Justin
Agoraphobia:
Agoraphobic
English Guy
Downunder
Bipolar and OCD:
Gail's journal
New!
Disjointed Thoughts
Autism:
Donna Williams’ Blog
Ballastexistenz
A Blog from Another World
Attention Deficit disorder ADD:
Living with ADD
A personal selection of Interesting Blogs not
related to mental health or conditions of any kind:
The Action Blog:
Save an endangered species, protect human rights,
save a forest.
Gristmill: The environmental
news blog |
This blog is
part of
Grist Magazine's
website, a magazine dedicated to environmental
issues.
Positive Attitude Quotes, Free
Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular
Motivativational sayings.
A good selection of
interesting quotations
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I have changed the colour of the fonts on this
page and will continue to do so from now on for all my writings for this
blog unless there are difficulties for other people who may wish to read
it for instance on a monitor which is less bright than mine. I think it
is easier to read than the stark contrast of black. If you disagree
please let me know. I do have problems which appear to be related to
dyslexia or at least people with dyslexia have this problem with black
lines particularly on white backgrounds which appear to "Jump" around on
the page. I cannot spell if this means I have dyslexia well than this
may be the reason that this is happening to me, it is in fact now more
pronounced and some days it is a tremendous strain to read whole blocks
of text. This phenomenon may be stress related as its intensity waxes
and wanes and appears worse at some times and not at others. It can
occur after I have been reading for along time.
I have other problems which may be the result of this difficulty of
which I became aware some ten years or so ago and which is getting
worse such as missing out words, not noticing that they are missing and
making mistakes that my teachers often described as careless errors. Yes
no matter how many times I check my work - well okay when I am
obsessively-compulsively checking my writing :-) - if I go back some
months later and check again I am amazed and sometimes mortified at the
mistakes I have failed to notice, sometimes quite glaring errors. This
problem whatever it is in my case only very mild but the problem is
there nonetheless and it makes reading this amount of text very
difficult. I think the green is kinder on the eye anyway for lengthy
amounts of texts, but please if you think otherwise do let me know. I
may use this combination of background and font colours eventually
throughout my website on pages that contain large amounts of print. So I
would appreciate some input particularly if you find it difficult to
read.
March 1st
It is bitterly cold today there is no heating
downstairs we have to scrub the floor with the doors and
windows open, the wind blows through and I wonder when I
am ever going to get my life back even my normal
stressed OCD life the way it was. I sometimes cannot
imagine things ever returning quite the same as often
after a big OCD episode where ones ability to cope is so
severely put to the test I do not think that you ever
quite recover without some concerted effort and instead
progress to a new plateaux of existence where ones
ability to cope has digressed further. It can be months
of effort even to get back to the way one was previously
if indeed the wherewith all to acquire such effort
exists. We continue to scrub the floor we can put
nothing away or use the kitchen until it is done. in the
middle of the afternoon finally the sitting room floor
looks fairly okay it is fortunately concrete had it been
wood I don't imagine we would ever get it clean. The
carpet is re-laid or at least placed into position for
we cannot of course relay it in any professional manner.
I am exhausted and again we go to the pub for a meal and
again when I say a meal I mean chips and opinion rings
as due to my vegan diet and my son’s gluten free diet
there is nothing else on the menu. But it is great to go
to the pub and once again feel warm in front of the coal
fires I have not felt as cold in many years and global
warming seems rather a fantasy even here I can feel a
pervasive chill.
March 2rd
1 am sitting at my computer I really cannot cope any
longer and have retreated here as the plumber has
arrived to fix the radiators. Now as those of you who
have read some of my other writings here will know I
have an OCD fear of radiators and the possibility of
contracting legionaries disease because of the stagnant
water which flows through the central heating system. I
have just finished washing carefully rinsing many times
our crockery and it is drying on the kitchen table, I
having quite overlooked the fact that the radiators will
need to be fixed in the kitchen. My husband as stubborn
as ever insists that all I need to do is move the table
instead of taking the crockery away elsewhere which I
wanted but could not insist upon without creating an
embarrassing scene. So now I will have to wash it all
over again and not just wash it in a bowel either, it
will all have to be rinsed over and over and than
scalded in hot water. I am furious it seems that no
matter how long you have lived with someone they never
really understand where you are coming from and what
with one thing and another I feel it is increasingly
futile for there ever to be any real understanding on
behalf of normal people for our plight . Oh right now I
wish I had a dish washer.
I lost some of what I have written, the electricity
was disconnected without anything being said, I feel
very irritated but say nothing other than exclaim that I
have lost all my work. It probably did not even occur
to them that I had a computer. I am finding now that I
get angry and frustrated with anyone and everything over
so many little things, irksome irritations . The
temptation is for me to ramble on about how unaware
people are that it probably did not even occur to them
that some silly old so and so of my age actually owned
a computer. But really perhaps that is all rather over
the top and paranoid and very negative and irrational so
I will resist boring you with an unsubstantiated barrage
of complaining. But increasingly I feel angry as though
there is never time that I am not seething inside either
from the aftermath of an on-going irritation or from
rumination of past wrongs both real or imagined and most
of the time I do not know which is which.
But it has not been easy for me during this ordeal
and throughout the course of the last five or six years.
Increasingly more often I do not know what is
appropriate and what is not when one has a valid
complaint against someone and when one is just being
hypersensitive and effected by ones OCD. We rang and
complained about the amount of dust on the floor and the
fact that the furniture was not covered and immediately
I felt guilty as though I had done the wrong thing. I
now doubted that I had a valid complaint and before they
could arrive to verify the complaint and see what could
be done the floor began to appear cleaner. (I could
simply not wait for them to arrive later in the day I
was tried of being trapped in a room where we could
hardly turn round and continued to try and clean the
mess.) As the floor gradually became clearer we rang and
withdrew our complaint and now I am seething as the
thoughts have now have reversed and I feel overwhelming
that the complaint was justified and once again my OCD
anxieties about causing harm - in this instance by
complaining and getting someone into trouble even lose
their job - have once again had their own way. The
problem with OCD is that one minute your mind will
torment you with one set of thoughts and doubts and your
reality will be one thing, and than when you have taken
action based upon this reasoning your mind than does an
about turn and you are than assailed with doubts that
you where in fact deluded the first time. You are than
tormented by the new set of thoughts which are the exact
opposite of what you considered reasonable the first
time. It appears to me no matter what you decided or
what action you take your OCD mind will tell you that
you should have done something else and that your
original decisions had all been based upon neurotic
thinking and than you feel the terrible burden of guilt.
Yet on a deeper more rational level you know that if you
had made a decision based upon a different set of
thoughts and logic your mind would still tell you had
made the wrong decision. You can’t win with OCD. it
really does become very subtle and will focus on aspects
of your life where you will find it difficult not to know
what thinking is from you, from your rational mind that
part of you which is you and not from your OCD mind.
I do not like to complain about anyone but the mess we
had to clear up was awful but yet I do not know if I can
justifiably complain. Plastering walls is a messy job
and dust is everywhere but still I feel the floor and my
furniture and the electrical appliances should have been
protected. Yet still I am not keen on complaining as
doubt remains and I would not want anyone to get into
trouble if such was not justified. Yet I get angry and
it eats away at me and I then feel as though I have been
taken advantage of and these thoughts generate more and
more anger and I than find more and more to be angry
about. Not deliberately of course it seems as though I
became more and more sensitive to every action or event
that is less than perfect and I increasingly feel
wronged over every slight most of which is
unintentional, at least my rationale says it is, but a
more paranoid thinking often occurs distorting still
further may sense of reality and I imagine that people
have deliberately taken advantage of me and that somehow
they know they can get away with it because somehow
people seem sense that I am not functioning as a normal
person .
March 3rd
I have other entries to publish but I have not
finished editing them...well alright checking them. I could not get them
finished in time to include the following request. I am under a lot of
strain right now and I shall tell you all about it soon but today just
for now I wanted to give you another opportunity to sign a petition from
the Humane society of the United States against the slaughter of baby
seals due to take place later this month. Time is running out and to day
I received a further reminder about the urgency of this campaign. This
campaign has a better chance of success this year as Canada has a new
prime minister. Also Paul McCartney a campaigner for animal welfare now
supports this campaign to end this cruel practice. Please consider
signing the petition and visit the humane societies website. Thank you.
Call on Canada's New Prime Minister to End the Seal Slaughter! Petition.
Protect Seals
March 4th
Can you imagine walking twenty miles to get water and
as you walk you have to do so in blistering heat through
a terrain desiccated by drought passing by dead and
dying animals. Can you imagine going without a drink for
nearly three days. Can you imagine having to watch your
little emaciated grandson die from want of water. These
and other awful and disturbing images were presented on
TV this morning concerning the dreadful drought in
Africa. I felt ashamed once again about all my
complaining this week about having to spend one night
with no water access in my kitchen. I had of course
water in the bathroom and even if I had not the shops
are filled with an abundance of bottled water.
I cannot image what it must be like to be in a
position that you have no water whatsoever and no access
to any in the perceivable future. With regard to Africa
I cannot understand why we cannot at least ship out
bottled water. It is a disgrace that a child has to die
for want of something as basic as water, I was upset and
angry and I still am . Greed is the greatest problem in
this world, selfish greed. Surely water can be shipped
out or am I being naive I guess there is no profit in it for
the bottled water companies. Yes there is a shortage of
water generally even here in the UK due to climate
change but there is still plenty of water no one needs
to die of thirst and hunger there is enough for
everyone.
There is also a desperate situation in Australia not
to the serious extent as Africa but there is a terrible
water shortage - at least according to my pen pal in
Queensland Australia where the reservoirs are down to
one third of their capacity. They have had no rain to
speak of for two years, a situation could arise where
they could have no water. I cannot image that they will
be left to die of thirst as the people are in Africa.
March 6th
The after math of such disruption always leaves me
confused and unmotivated, it is difficult to pick up the
threads of routine. This is particularly so as there
still is much to do. The house is back to some semblance
of normality or rather is back to what it was before
except that we are minus a kitchen managing with a table
and what remains of the few cupboards that did not have
to be removed. But there is so much to do with
decorating and getting the floor tiled where the kitchen
units once where. I do not want this interfering with my
life I am not good at coping with disruption and need routine and
the whole business although not as immediate or as
stressful as it was is making me depressed and lethargic
unmotivated.
I simply cannot get back to working on my website
although I can sit here right now at 7.30 pm and write
this. Writing although made difficult by the need to
check and ruminate and worry about what I write is
nonetheless a distraction although it like everything
else is difficult to pick up again after time away as in
the last day or so I have had so much to do and think
about. All our clutter had to be sorted and returned to
its place or tucked away in some cupboard. Still despite
my having said that I would try and declutter I cannot rid my self of the burden of my stuff. Yes indeed
it is a burden and it caused an unpleasant and stressful
situation to be more problematic than it need have been.
But still little if anything has really been thrown
away. Things have been sorted to keep, to sell and to
rotate, there seems more books out than there once were
many having been put on book shelves rather than back in
the cupboard. Of course my photos are irredeemable and
smell terrible of damp. I have not discarded them hoping
to scan the negatives into the computer if this is
possible but of course this is not easy with
contamination OCD.
I guess in some ways the worse is over but there is
still problems with the roof and of course all the
decorating. Now I am having more time to ruminate I feel
more keenly the recent bereavement of my brother-in-law
and that of the loss of my sister and the familiar
feelings of hopelessness return. Also I am washing my
hands more now feeling as though more in my home
environment has become contaminated. The radiators are
even more of a problem than they once were and touching
them or anything close by sends me running to the
bathroom to wash my hands waving them in the air to
avoiding contaminating anything along the way. I feel
more confused sometimes unmotivated apathetic and unable
to be decisive about anything not knowing quite what to
do from one minute to the next. Even about such matters
as what to eat, what book to read, I have several from
the library and pick in one than another feeling
aimless, unfocused. I feel restless unsettled flitting
from one activity to another, feeling satisfaction in
none. Not knowing if to go here or there, to go out or
stay in, should I shop today or go out into the hills we
love so well or write an e-mail, write in my blog, start
some artwork, if so what? A drawing or a painting
perhaps, if so of what, a sheep, a flower, a landscape? I
feel not in the least creative and can’t get it together
to even think of a subject to paint or draw although
snatches of ideas swirl about in my mind my motivation
and indecisiveness is crippling and paralysing. What ever
I do I feel I should have done something else, as I sit
here writing I am not satisfied that it is time well
spent and in the back of my mind my thoughts are on
other things: should I have perhaps gone on the net, or
try something new to liven up my website, change it’s
format perhaps or should I have looked through my photos
of artwork for ideas? By the time I go downstairs to sit
with my husband whatever I did here now will appear to
me to have been the wrong thing and I will wish I had
done something else. Crazy I know. Is this an OCD thing
or is it one of the many signs of the mounting stress
that is taking it’s toll and making me feel unfocused
confused scattered .
At the end of the day little seems to been
accomplished and the evening is spent struggling to try
to keep awake watching TV trying to resist the urge not
to sink into apathy. It really was an enormous struggle
to even get up after the evening meal and come up here
to the computer. After having my evening meal apathy
settles in big time and it is only with huge
determination and the threat of a really crappy TV
programme that finally urges my aching body up the
stairs to sit here and ramble on my blog. I really feel
so lost lately as though nothing will ever change except
for the worst and each day I wonder what misery will
come forth to torment me as each day there seems
something to contend with. But perhaps it is that I am
so hypersensitive to every little frustration, every
little negative occurrence both real or imagined. I feel
aimless and confused depressed that the day is wasted,
the fear of wasting time haunts me, depresses me. Yet
apathy is triumphant and at the end of each day no
matter what I have tried to accomplish I go to bed
feeling a failure having once again allowed depression
and OCD to take away my life.
March 8th
How about something different. Yes it is good to talk
about our OCD or other anxiety problems but too much
talking and exclusive focus upon our plight can become
destructive rather than constructive. It is rather like
anything taken to excess, after a while the good that is
derived from it can turn sour. The more we turn our
attention to our problems it can become too much of a
good thing if done to excess and you may begin to feel
more overwhelmed and as though your whole life is
dominated by your OCD and your whole existence may than
appear to revolve round this malady. This can become
quite depressing. Yes to those of you like myself with
severe OCD, indeed an enormous part of your life is in
fact consumed by this illness as it enters every facet
of your being as it pervades your thoughts, your
activities, your motivations and every consideration. So
it is therefore wise from time to time try to make an
effort to divert our attention from our OCD even if it
is for a very short space of time.
The other day an OCD e-mail pal sent in the following
links:
The Butterfly WebSite -
butterfly photos, butterfly clipart, education,
Coloring pages // Free printable
coloring book pictures for primary school.
The first is a website all about butterflies, even if
you 're not interested in these creatures it is a
pleasant website with lots of free clip art. It is such
a refreshing change to have some quality free clip art
or indeed anything for free in this profit oriented
society where people think you are crazy to do something
for nothing.
This is a delightful website and it made such a
change to look at something that has absolutely nothing
to do with OCD . Often we gain new interests by sharing
with each other the things that interest us. I have
acquired many interests in this way. I think today many
people are far too self absorbed and they pay little or
no attention to the interests and ideas of others and
this is such a shame as the sharing of ideas adds
greatly to ones own ideas, hobbies and interests. Also
today too much attention is given to negative issues in
general. Yes we need to know what is happening in the
world in order to try and bring about change if such is
possible but there needs to be a balance otherwise after
a time one feels rather overwhelmed and you begin to
think that there is little good left in the world and
that few people care and you become increasing
mistrustful, paranoid and lonely. Most films, TV series
concentrate solely on negativity. Every one these days
is worried about the escalation of crime yet to relax in
the evening they sit down in front of the TV and watch
programs, series about crime often very violently
graphic and gruesome. Yesterday we went to the cinema
and all the previews were for films portraying violent
crime. I find it very difficult of late to cope with
this tendency in recent years for poor plots consisting
of nothing much other than violence and negativity. All
of this does nothing except make us feel more and more
depressed. So it makes a change for many reasons to
divert our attention on some more positive aspects of
life.
The second link is an educational website with lots of great
pictures to print out for the kids and anyone else to colour. Free but
with some restrictions for use.
So if anyone has some particularly pleasant, non OCD
and not too serious or depressing websites they would
like to share with fellow sufferers please send a link
to me to include here on my blog.
March 9th
Having asked for suggestions for links to positive
websites not related to OCD or other mental health
problems I would not want to deter anyone from suggesting websites concerned
with the condtions included on this website or other
mental health issues.
If you do have knowledge of a good and informative website concerning
OCD and related conditions that you think could be helpful
to sufferers please send me a link for the useful links
page.
March 10th
Today I had to go to the dentist it was the first time ever that I
had gone for a routine check up. For years my dentist phobia has been so
incapacitating that a routine appointment for a check up was
unthinkable. During all these years my fear was only overcome by dire
necessity for the relief of pain. Oftentimes in my earlier years it
would be months and months of procrastination and the endurance of pain
and many painkillers until the pain became overwhelming and there was no
other choice. Throughout my teens I knew that my teeth needed attention
but for the most part I could not bring myself to seek treatment until
things become impossible. I now of course regret this as those of us who
suffer in this way do don’t we. We regret all the things in our lives
which we have shied away from because of fear, or depression and the
many other mentally debilitating aspects of our disorders that
incapacitates our mind and prevent us from doing what we know needs to
be done or indeed doing what we want to do in order to enjoy and have a
fulfilling and useful life.
I did not of course go without any fear. I had worried about it for
weeks on and off when there was a break in the continual stream of
worrying thoughts which vie one with another for a place in my mind. I
had worried also about a number of other aspects of my visit to the
dentist, such as fear that I might have oral cancer. Often when I go for
any kind of examination that my detect the presence of cancer I begin to
worry that I actually have this disease. For instance when I go for an
eye test I am aware that the examination can detect a brain tumour so
during the few weeks that proceed the appointment my mind is focused on
the possibility of having a brain tumour. I dare not miss my appointment
and it is a worry and so depressing and my attention is drawn more to
other aspects of this frightening illnesses and I become more aware of
this frightening possibility than I would be otherwise. Such worrying
aspects of an eye test and dentistry did not exist when I was younger -
at least I was not aware of them as people in those days had no
knowledge of such considerations. However today our awareness is
heightened and one is urged to go to the dentist not only to ensure the
health of our teeth but to check for the presence of oral cancer. Now
this of course adds to the fear but also in a way forces one into going
to the dentist as the fear of not doing so might mean that any problems
such as oral cancer may otherwise go undetected. So this trip to the
dentist had nothing to do with overcoming my Phobias rather it was
motivated simply as a result of one fear or anxiety overcoming another.
Moreover after my last experience with an extraction of a tooth that had
become so rotten that it was difficult to remove deters me now from
leaving it until such time as the extraction or filling becomes more
problematic and distressful that it would otherwise have been.
But I was sacred I can tell you, the prospect of the impending
appointment hung over me like the sward of Damocles. It haunted my
thoughts in the night and often presented in my waking thoughts, the
thoughts that drive me from my bed here to work on my computer. The fact
that I had cancelled a previous appointment in a sudden impetuous panic
six weeks ago when the appointment came at a time when I was under a lot
of additional anxiety made my concerns more pronounced. I now worried
that the delay of nearly six weeks could be of detriment if indeed I or
my husband, who also had cancelled his appointment on the same day, had
oral cancer. I really felt guilty because of this impulsive act and
worried that the delay of six weeks could mean life or death if there
was indeed a problem. No it matters not that it was unlikely or that for
fourteen years neither of us went at all. Now I was aware of the
existence of oral cancer and the need to have this checked I was of
course anxious about this possibility and the possible consequences of
this delay. Such torments drive me crazy they compound my misery and my
anxieties and become enmeshed in my OCD. For instance I was more anxious
about doing something wrong or unscrupulous should it have a kind of
karmic rebound. I have explained my superstitious thinking elsewhere on
my website. And of course when say unscrupulous I mean within the
context of the hyper-scrupulous considerations of of my OCD.
The day of the appointment was a cold and miserable one, the bitter
cold of this the final part of winter which had plagued us over the last
couple of weeks added an extra misery. My irritable balder was well...
excruciatingly irritable making the ordeal more of a problem in its own
right and my attention was upon the considerable discomfort and thoughts
fed my mind again concerning fears of cancer reminding me that a urgency
to urinate can be indicative of ovarian cancer. I have had checks but
fears remains. The urgency with some exceptions is always immediate as
soon as I step out my house and today with the added anxiety it was just
awful.
The examination found everything to be just fine although I still
have that tender spot where a tooth was extracted last August but I only
vaguely mentioned this and it was passed over half heard half understood. I
just can't face having to be referred to hospital as this tenderness may
well be due to a small fragment of tooth that remained embedded and
difficult to remove.
I was so relieved after the ordeal and more so after my husband got
the all clear also. Although I am relieved I know it will not be long before
other worries take its place.
March 12th
A mind not to
be changed by place or time;
The mind is in it’s own place,
And in itself
Can make a heav’n of hell,
A hell of heav’n
John Milton
This morning 4.30 AM I look out my window with mixed feelings. Heavy
snow was forecast overnight yet it is dry not a flake of snow anywhere.
I am disappointed, yet relieved. As many of you know I used to love the
snow but since my awareness has become focused on the plight of animals,
particularly those who have to endure this misery unprotected in fields
and here in the north east in the very exposed regions of the Yorkshire
dales, the Pennine Hills and other remote unsheltered places, I now feel
some sadness because of the suffering to these creatures this weather
brings. It is a reminder of how much suffering there in is in the world
and how hostile an environment this world actually is for the creatures
which live upon it including ourselves.
It is now just after 7 AM a blizzard is raging, at one time I enjoyed
such awesome weather but again the mixed feelings arise and I am still
not happy. It could be compared to a dammed if one does dammed is one
doesn't kind of situation. Do other people experience mixed feelings in
this way. Particularly mixed feelings which invariably have negative
content no matter what the final outcome may be. Perhaps it is because
we focus more on what is going on in our mind than the average person
that does not have OCD or other mental health problem that we therefore
notice these mixed feelings and analyse them. Perhaps everyone has mixed
feelings but they ‘re less aware of them and pay them less attention and
do not focus upon them or become effected or depressed by them. Such
mixed feelings if they are always negative can give rise to depression
as the outcome is never satisfactory and each set of opposing thoughts
and feelings brings a degree of disappointment or sadness.
Concerning the snow it is better of course if it does not snow and
the weather is warm. But it is snowing there is nothing I can do to
prevent this occurrence, there is nothing I personally can do to protect
every living creature from the effects of this or other unsatisfactory
conditions, either here now or at or in any other time or place. So if I
enjoy the snow my enjoying it will neither cause harm to another being
or otherwise, so why can't I therefore continue to enjoy the snow and
not feel guilty by doing so? A difficult question is it not and like all
other questions concerning our thoughts and feelings and the control
which we have over them or otherwise it is not easily answered
Sadly because of this increase in my awareness of this particular
cause of suffering I can no longer enjoy snow and even feel guilty if I
get a glimmer of satisfaction from this
Yet I cannot conversely feel happy if the snow did not arrive as
forecasted despite the advantage for other creatures and my relief for
not having to feel sad and haunted by the prospect of the suffering this
causes. But I am not happy, I am left with feelings of disappointment
that the snow did not arrive. I do not want such feelings but they are
simply there like any other unwanted thought, feeling or emotion. Than
there is guilt and shame that I have such selfish feelings. Yet as soon
as the blizzard starts the feeling of sadness for the plight of animals
immediately takes the place of the disappointment that it was not
snowing. It is a no win situation. I wonder if other OCD sufferers have
similar problems. After having been in contact with so many other
sufferers I realise that we are indeed not the same and our individual
OCD tends to focus on different aspect of our personality. Also I think
that in my case there my be other facets to consider, other problems
which effect my OCD which make it more intricate more intractable and
increase my tendency to focus on things that other OCD suffers seem not
to notice. Yet a fellow OCD sufferer may well say the same thing about
me as perhaps I do not notice things of which he or she is so blatantly
aware that they consider me to be blind, insensitive, unemotional and
unaware.
Now its stopped snowing for a while, I am now disappointed that I did
not enjoy it while it lasted. I grow weary of such complex thinking and
of the compulsive analysis of my thought processes and wish to be like
everyone else, the problem is that once ones eyes are opened so to speak
we cannot close them. Once we are aware we cannot become unaware. As I
grow older there is of course an increase in such situations. At least
the level of awareness grows and ones life takes on a whole new
perspective and what was once a beautiful world now appears as though it
was designed in hell as all the negative aspects come to the fore and
the positive aspects recede to imperceptible levels or are overwritten
by the negative, and the world now appears a place of unimaginable
misery and suffering for everything that draws breath. And who knows
maybe even plants suffer, there are many who beleive that plants are
sentient and have some level of awareness. There are many people who
believe they can sense the suffering of trees
which somehow know that they ‘re about to be cut down. I am glad I do
not as yet have such an awareness, if indeed such an awareness is valid,
for I do not imagine I could retain the remnants of my sanity. Ummm...
Having said that I have to say I might not be personally aware of such
sentience in plants but I would have to admit a certain unease if I see
a tree being chopped down or I buy something made of wood. Yesterday I
felt a familiar pang of sadness and guilt, yes guilt, when I unpacked a
wooden board for my kitchen. I will not cause to a have a tree cut down
and feel uncomfortable if I have to uproot a plant and never weed the
garden and I find it impossible to throw out any potted plant no matter
how big it gets or how inconvenient it has become.
I was not always this way even during the height of my very severe
OCD in the eighties but now this awareness changes my perspective and
rather highlights the fact that the mind
"Can make a heav’n of hell, A hell of heav’n" . The snow which once was a delight which painted the
landscape and even the bleak greyness of an industrial city into a whole
clean pristine wonderland new appears as a shroud blanketing the land
bringing with it death and misery to untold numbers of creatures.
There is one thing of which I have been seemingly unaware until
writing it all down here and that is just how pervasive my OCD has
become and how it has entered all facets of my life. This is no
exaggeration I cannot think of any aspect of my life that it does not
effect. I cannot think of a thought that I can honestly say does not
arise from my OCD thinking or perhaps to be more accurate I should say
that I do not know which thoughts arise from my OCD thinking and which do
not. It would appear that until I began to tell you about my life and my
thoughts I have taken a lot of my irrational thinking for granted as
though I have somehow become accustomed to it and have become used to
feeling this way. I have unconsciously began to accept the restrictions
OCD has upon my life, my thoughts, my ideas and so on much like a person
who has for instance lost a hand might eventually accepts that he will
have to live within the framework of this disability and somehow
unconsciously after the passing of time adapts. I guess in some
way I have become complacent accustomed to feeling frustrated misery. I
most certainly have become acclimatised to depression I have no inking
of what it feels like to be happy even contented. No I do not imply that I do
not feel the pain of my unhappiness but rather I have come to accept it
as normal and have ceased to a great extent to even be aware of how
debilitated and incapacitated I have become both mentally and physically
or how unhappy I am.
It’s 2PM my son is despondent depressed he thinks at twenty eight it
is too late to make something of his life. We sit here now after dinner
on this miserably cold snowy day and he is lethargic and very negative.
I have mentioned this before on my blog how he is occasionally bought
low by these thoughts which compound his depression. He did seem a
little less depressed of late after taking a course of antidepressants.
But now he tells me he has given up and I do not know what to do or what
to say to him. He thinks he has no future that the world and
civilisation is to endure for only a little longer: these comments are
references to the threat of global warming and the possible onset of an
ice age. We have had these conversations many times. I tell him to paint
paint paint he has a wonderful talent and maybe one day some one will
recognise this but in any case I tell him to paint for the sheer
pleasure of painting. I remind him that Van Gogh once said he painted to
give consolation to others. He tells me he is too depressed, he cannot
concentrate it is now too late for him. I tell him that the author of
Broke Back Mountain E.Annie Proulx did not get this her first book published until she
was fifty six.
"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
George Eliot. I
quote this quote which a I find encouraging . Sometimes I think he will
do nothing to change his life, no matter what I say nothing will
motivate him. I say to him that it is depressing as your talent is going to
waste. But nothing I can say or do appears to motivate him. He says he
has no space to work. This is true to a good degree but this problem
could be relieved if only he could part with some of his clutter. The
burden of the compulsion which we all share to clutter and hoard our
possessions is becoming a huge problem and rather than bringing comfort or
satisfaction too much clutter becomes a detriment. He seems unable to
part with cloths he no longer wears, books he has read, magazines... well the list
is rather like that of my husband and myself, although my husband does
better in some areas, he is better at getting rid of more immediate and
less personal possessions than either my son or I. Portrayed on TV as an
eccentricity in a recent series
serious hoarding and cluttering can be come more than a bohemian
eccentric lifestyle and can turn into a nightmare which may inhibit your
entire life.
I feel the old familiar feelings of guilt and wish we had never moved
here. I do not think I will ever forgive myself or get over this in any
way now and will have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life. I
did not except things to turn out so badly, I did not know how ill my
son was, he did not confide in me although he was very reluctant to come
here, but he did not tell me why. He has Aspergers syndrome. Often
people with Aspergers syndrome do not tell other people things,
important things as it is often difficult for them to share anything
with others.
Its 6PM it is still snowing like crazy it has barely stopped all day.
It is dark and I can see the snow in horizontal slants by the light from
the lamp post. I feel so aware of the misery of sheep and their lambs
unable even to shelter from this unrelenting blizzard. Yes it is lambing
season and new born lambs die of the bitter cold. There are some things nature does not get right, the birth of lambs during winter is one
of the many examples of bad timing.
March14th
While surfing the net I found this great personal website. Often
these days due to my inability to focus I just seem to flit from one
thing to the next, visiting websites and saving them in my favourite
places until later and often that later never arrives. I guess this is
due to not only my stress but my ADD tendencies. But today I thought to
myself just make some effort to sit here and read through this website
and fortunately if was very easy to read, well written despite the
authors apologies to the contrary. The website is by a person with
autism, it really tells it like it is and gives a very clear insight
into what it is like to be a high functioning autistic. Many people when
they hear the word autism think either of Dustin Hoffman‘s portrayal of
the Rain Man an autistic savant, a rare type of autism or they think of
the child who is severely withdrawn and has no speech. Autism is a very
complicated condition and the variations seem so dramatically diverse
and the various types of autism may seem to have little relation to one
another, for this reason these varieties are referred to as a spectrum,
the autistic spectrum. My son has aspergers syndrome which is at the
higher functioning end of the spectrum. But this seems to have no
relationship with the kind of autism portrayed in the Rain Man. I also
believe I may be somewhere on the autistic spectrum and so also my
husband. Yet we are all different. This website will give you an idea
what it is like to be on the higher functioning end of the autistic
spectrum, it’s a perspective of autism which few people are neither
unaware of or understand. If I say to people I think I may have autism
or that my son has a diagnosis of aspergers syndrome, which in most
cases they have never even heard of, which is mild form of autism they
really cannot accept this and think I am crazy because most think of the
rain man and the silent withdrawn child unable to utter a word.
Concerning myself it still remains to be seen if I am on the autistic
spectrum. I certainly have significant characterises and can relate to
much of what this person says even down to being a star trek fan - I was
somewhat disappointed when they cut short the new Star Trek Enterprise
series. Star trek seems to be the number one favourite TV series among
autistics along with a general interest in Sci-Fi. I can now
understand in relation to this possibility why my life has been so
difficult for me and how lonely it has been. I now understand why I have
always felt apart and removed from society, like an alien, someone
different who never fits in . My husband also, I used to tease him that
he seemed as though he came from a different planet. Yes of course my
OCD will make me alienated but there is something else going on and it
is this something else that has make it very difficult for me to
overcome my OCD simply due to these autistic traits which make it
difficult to get a therapist to understand the problems which I have.
Trying to explain myself verbally is so difficult the words do not come
and I can never really open up relax and communicate effectively my
difficulties in relationship to my OCD. I can explain myself better in
writing but few will take the time to read what I have written, although
I of course understand this to some extent as time is at a premium for
an NHS therapist. But as far as I am aware no professional or student of
psychology has read anything I have written on my website. Concerning
the later it would seem from my personal experience that students would
rather learn about OCD from the “experts” mental health professionals
rather than from the real experts the sufferers.
I really think that one should not treat conditions such OCD in
isolation as other factors may be inhibiting progress and treatment my
fail as a result. I will not definitely say that I have autism without a
diagnosis and that will be a long time coming if indeed it ever happens.
I would have to get such a diagnosis privately and I cannot afford to do
that. But I believe I may be a mildly autistic person who suffers from
severe OCD co morbid with depression, ADD, general anxiety disorder fibromyaliga/ somatisation disorder, migraine, tension headaches,
IBS and maladies too strange even to describe. And all of these factors
need to be considered when therapy is undertaken. And people wonder why
life is such a struggle for me. And when I have a significant temper
tantrum, an autistic trait, they wonder why. I am no saint, it is indeed
most difficult to be placid and accepting and indeed why should I accept
my lot. I am angry so angry for my wasted life because of my intractable
OCD. Anyway without further ado I will desist from a ramble which as
those of you who regularly read my blog is likely to go on and on. I
will leave you to visit the website below. You may see a connection with
yourself and this person. I strongly believe there is a connection
between autism and OCD and more OCD suffers than you might imagine are
somewhere on the autistic spectrum or at least have traits of autism in
the same way that autistics have traits of OCD.
Neral's Autism Website
March 15th
I am really having enormous difficulty publishing this website or
writing about anything. The fear of causing harm is now so powerful that
I am virtually incapacitated by it. At the time of writing this I have
not published all the new entries above and the anxiety about doing so
and the frustration because I have not done so drives me just crazy. It
has taken weeks of agonising torment to publish the above entries and I
am incapacitated as soon as I have to write something that others will
read. Today I have wasted hours of my precious time ruminating, checking
re-checking more ruminating and still I hastate to publish. Have I
written something that could cause another to take a harmful action, or
cause some other detrimental circumstance? Perhaps all my negativity is
harmful? Sometimes however I cannot pinpoint exactly what it is that
makes me hesitate to publish. Sometimes it is something more simple less
dramatic such as anxieties about spelling, grammatical errors, writing
too much, the content being boring and other more mundane
considerations.
I now worry about every word, every thought, every idea, every link I
suggest, I am never satisfied it is driving me crazy. Yet if I give in
and write no more I will be depressed frustrated by the incapacitating
victory yet again of OCD to ruin my life. It has taken so much of my
life and the lives of those I love. All I wanted was a home and a family
that's all. I had no high ambitions just a simple life. But no OCD took
that away. It took away my ability to work, to choose for myself a
religion, to have friends, to have contact with animals to even go for a
walk... the list is huge. It is also Incapacitating, pervasive like a malignant
tumour it devours your personality, your soul, your mind everything it
takes from you. OCD is an insidious soul destroying evil monster and
often it is hard to accept that it all arises from malfunctioning
circuitry in your brain or as the result of up bringing - at least
according to the experts. The latter however is for me a ludicrous
consideration. No ones upbringing can bring about the terrible powerful
compulsions and obsessions that OCD brings to bear upon the sufferer.
When are psychologists ever gang to realise that it is nonsense to think
that because you had a bad mother, father or a dysfunctional childhood
that you have OCD. If you did have bad parents or were part of a
dysfunctional family it was probably because one of your parents also
had OCD or its related illnesses, it is genetic, it is neurobiological.
I have known this since... well forever since I was aware of OCD, it is
common sense. It is an illnesses, yes it is hard to believe but it is
true. It drives me just crazy when I hear that rubbish about upbringing.
All that does is bring more misery and frustration. Have you any idea
what it is like to be told that your son has the problems he has now
because he was influenced by observing his mother under the throes of an
illness she tried so hard to control but with so little support, an
illnesses that she was unable to overcome despite all her efforts. Do
you know what it is like to be told than it's your fault. It is no ones
fault no more than it is your parents fault if you are diabetic. OCD is
genetic, at least that it what I believe for the most part, however as
anyone who has read my memoir knows I have given other ideas some
consideration albeit less serious but I will not go into this now as it would lead to a
significant digression. Whatever causes OCD it has nothing to do with
childhood experiences. Naturally this is of course only my opinion. But
before you start screaming at your mother that it is her fault that you
have spent time in a mental hospital and have had your life ruined as I
did on occasion during arguments take time to consider really how
unlikely this is, at least in a direct sense. Yes your parents can make
you anxious, depressed and there own illnesses or behaviours can effect
you and of course your OCD. I believe upbringing may effect the type of
OCD from which you suffer and it can aggravate the situation but I do
not beleive that upbringing causes OCD. It just does not make sense.
There are no words to really describe to you what it is like day in
and day out as your every thought is effected, you're very action or
inaction.
I check an e-mail, a long and rather complicated one taking over an
hour and still I cannot send it anxious worried analysing each sentence
each word finding possible harm here and there in writing I know that
deep down on some level of more rational awareness will not cause harm
to myself or others. Yet I cannot get past the thoughts the awful
thoughts so real so powerful . This is a difficult aspect of my OCD and
often when I write something I consider should not be a problem it turns
out that it is and someone has been upset by it and this of course will
make my problem more pronounced. Now what once was a pleasure and bought
me satisfaction now brings great unhappiness and this latest struggle
with my OCD now has consumed another aspect of my life and there is now
little else left that it has not ruined. Will I ever publish? I am angry
frustrated.
I will stop writing now before the day is utterly spent
consumed by my indecision and go and do some artwork. But no doubt OCD
will present itself here as it does with every activity. In fact with
both artwork and writing a very insidious aspect of OCD often enters the
equation spurred on by doubt and indecision : perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a soul destroying and incapacitating state of mind and
it part of the OCD personality but in my experience only manifests in
certain areas and these are in regard to my pastimes: writing and
artwork. The misery this causes is not easily conveyed. Imagine what it
is like to spend countless hours over a piece of writing or a painting
or drawing and never be satisfied with what you have accomplished. After
all the torment with writing than finally you are not satisfied with the
content. The same goes for painting, it takes hours to paint a picture
but I am never happy with it, is an enormous struggle not to keep going
back to work on it to be continually altering re-painting over and over
driven by the dread of these awful feelings of dissatisfaction.
Perfectionism is another inhibiting factor in the publication of
writings or other things for my website. Such causes anxiety but mainly
depression and kills your motivation and brings about inertia. Yes perfectionism is
indeed incapacitating and that in addition to all the more obvious OCD
behaviours no wonder most days I feel as though everything is an
Herculean task. But somehow I endeavour to do something constructive, no
not because I am strong willed or determined but simply because if I do
not try to ignore these feelings and paint, write or whatever and do
nothing I will than feel anxious and guilty that I have wasted my day,
and as a consequence I will become depressed. Again it is a no win
situation. And no matter what at the
end of it all there still there is no satisfaction.
March 18th
This morning at 5 am I can hear the birds singing what a joyous sound
indeed. A sign that finally spring may arrive. It has been a long
protracted winter, it still is bitterly cold. We have in the last week
had blizzards, rain, sleet hail and biting penetrating cold.
Temperatures have been very low often minus 4 or 6 at night. Not at all
like March at -least the weather for March that we have come to expect
in the last decade or so when spring seems to arrive earlier.
Yes even through all my depression it is wonderful to hear birds
signing and no I am not going to think about bird flu no no I am not!!!!
This thought is pushing it’s way into my mind now as I write!. I really
do not want to start thinking about bird flu every time I see or hear a
bird. I do not know if fellow OCD sufferers are worried about this
threat. From time to time the thought pops into my head amongst the
clutter of other depressing and negative thoughts which crowd ones mind
from moment to moment vying for space to make me feel wretched miserable
and profoundly depressed. My depression goes in cycles and fluctuations
for reasons I sometimes cannot fathom. I am always depressed to some
degree usually though my depression is moderate but sometimes it becomes
much deeper, more profound more, pervasive as though the world has been
dimmed and the sheen removed from some of the pleasures of life .
Pleasures which I now really have to say are few and far between. At the
moment it is as though I have no interest or find enjoyment in anything,
always seeing the thorns rather than seeing the rose, always aware of
the negatives rather than the positives . I can not think of a thing
that will give me any pleasure or satisfaction, every thing seem
burdensome, everything appears to have a down side, what once bought a
modicum of pleasure is either bland and met with dispassion or has
become a misery of torment such as some of my activities on the
computer, particularly writing which in recent months has become a
source of terrible torment of anxiety and doubt for reasons explained at
length on many occasions here and elsewhere on my web site. And my mind
is crowded with one worry or anxiety after another, small issues become
major and catastrophizing is common place and any circumstance is seen
with negative connotations and implications.
Last night again my son was profoundly depressed. He fears he has no
future that things will not change. He has no friends and now he fears
no favourable prospects. He has lost his motivation for his art. He
tells me he cannot focus, he cannot cope incapacitated by depression
anxiety and indecision.
I wish I knew what to say to him I continue to keenly feel so much
guilt, we should not have moved so far away it seems so alien. Please if
you are living in the north east do not take offence it is not you it is
us. We always feel alienated as though we do not fit in anywhere. My son
used to work for the HSC Health and Safely Executive he had problems and
it was not easy for him by any means but he could get along well with
his colleagues and was reasonably self confident and now he has nothing
and I cannot forgive myself.
My son has aspergers syndrome; communication and understanding other
people is a problem for my son, he finds it difficult to follow what people
are saying if they talk quickly and here in the north east people speak
very quickly particularly young men.
I do not mean any offence, this is not a criticism rather it is
merely an explanation of one of the problems that besets my son due to
the condition of aspergers syndrome. It does not help him overcome his
social hang ups having to ask people to repeat things and often not even
than understanding what anyone is talking about. . It is not easy to try
to integrate with others if one has problems with communication if you
have social phobia or aspergers syndrome for instance and one can feel
very lonely indeed. I am at a loss to know what to do and feel that we
should have remained in the south east as in any case changes are not
coped with well by people with autism. Somehow we have to cope with
living here there is no going back but if only something would go right
just one small thing! We feel so oppressed by misfortune and everyday we
wonder what now, what misery or ill luck will come upon us today the next
hour even.
We visited a friend yesterday, someone we have not seen for months
she said that she wakes up each morning wondering what will go wrong
today and how life has become so complicated. She is the most normal
high functioning person I know so perhaps in some ways we are not alone
with these feelings, feelings that we are dogged by misfortunate and
that life seems over complicated. But I guess we are more conscious of
it perhaps and cope with it less well and focus our attention on the
negative rather than the positives and as consequence become
overwhelmed.
March19th
To some degree depression is a function of unconscious anger.
Pay attention to your angry feelings. Don't feel guilty about them.
Steve Hovland
Often people think that because I can set up a website that I am an
high functioning person who manages her OCD quite well. Yes seemingly
this is the case; despite the many laments and negative ramblings here on
my website some people think I am coping well with my OCD. Recently I had correspondence from a lady who was under the
impression that I could help her through a difficult time and she seemed
to think that somehow I had ideas, coping skills which I could share with
her. If only this were true. I was willing to give a listening ear so to
speak but felt guilty and sad that I could not offer the help that she
sought, sad for her and also for myself. Yes on this website I offer
suggestions and self help ideas and these help some people and at times
have helped me but sadly I have not recovered from my OCD and right now
this is more so that at any other time. In any case I am not coping well
at all with this website now and it is over a month since I published
although of course if you re reading this now it will not appear this
way for obvious reasons. But it took a month to publish all the entries
that appear after Feb 18th. Although I continued to write in my dairy
nearly everyday but fear stopped me from publishing.
OCD is an incapacitating illness paralysing all aspects of life’s
pursuits and activities taken so for granted by those who do not suffer in
this way. I cannot function normally on any level or in any situation
each and every activity is influenced by my OCD. Just sitting here now
my OCD is in full swing analysing, checking, ruminating, doubting: it is
torture. In all areas of my life now my ability to faction is minimal.
I am deeply depressed, an agitated aggressively angry kind of
melancholy broken only by intermittent bouts of apathy and inaction. I
constantly have a short fuse; a volatile temper over such insignificant
things. I am irritable, agitated, restless but at times lethargic,
unmotivated, confused ,undecided and hopeless. Right now I am in the
throes of quite profound depression and everything is a monumental
struggle sometimes just moving. Sometimes the thought of having to do
the least thing makes me feel depressed, anxious; I can’t be bothered
with much of anything unless it is of course driven by my OCD. It is
rarely that depression will incapacitate me enough to stop me from
carrying out my obsessive compulsions. I
dread getting up, going to bed, showering cooking, going out staying in
well everything and anything seems like a huge chore and it takes
tremendous energy and determination to do anything.
Yesterday after being in the house most of the week trapped by the
miserable weather and the negativity of my mind I determined to go out
to the Yorkshire Dales despite the unremitting cold. I did not enjoy it
my life smothered right now by a particularly pervasive depression but
it was good to get away from familiar surrounding which remind one so of
ones miseries. Besides if one continually gives in one simply
deteriorates and you than find yourself increasingly unable to cope with
anything. Also I begin to get depressed because I am allowing my OCD and
depression to take away my life and at the end of a day which was spent
aimlessly my depressions deepens. Besides my husband loves to go out
into the hills and other wild places and I was feeling guilty because of
my apathy and reluctance.
But is not always easy to find this motivation and during the week I
have been reluctant to do much of anything, the dreary cold weather
compounding my depression. It is now the third week in March it is the
coldest since 1985 and it is the darkest since records began we have
hardly seen the sun at all. There are people who suffer with SAD
Seasonal Affective Disorder a kind of depression that is bought about by
lack of sunlight which makes winter time a time when sufferers of SAD
are prone to depression. However one does not necessarily have to have
the diagnoses of SAD, the lack of light is a detriment to everyone and
enhances ones depression significantly.
Entering the Yorkshire dales it was as though I had set foot in another
world, it was rather like stepping into Narnia from the Wardrobe in C.S.
Lewis' book the Lion the Witch and the wardrobe, the snow which were we
lived had melted was still very much apparent in the
dales and the wind blew a biting and penetrating cold, the scenery was a
pretty but cold miserable and damp, ominous grey clouds hung heavy and
the poor sheep scratching around in rather meagre heaps of hey left by
the farmers looked dejected. I felt sad for them and depressed. Life
seems a misery for all creatures in my mind farmers seem heartless. If
you are not familiar with the Yorkshire dales although it is beautiful
part of the country on a showy bitterly cold day it can seem bleak. It
is wild natural remote and the wind blows with a fury on such a day as
this. And for an oversensitive person such as myself it appears a
hostile place with such suffering. In a field in the valleys where it
was marginally warmer and less snow were tiny new born lambs and their
mothers my
husband and I were very saddened to see such frail creatures left to the
mercy of the biting relentless wind with no shelter. They were the
sweetest creature which I have to admit seemed unperturbed by the
inclement weather.
March 17th
I am still having a great deal of difficulty publishing my entries
over the last few weeks. I have had a lot of difficulties recently and
my OCD is quite severe right now. I have been writing entries but I am
too overwhelmed right now to check them for publication. I hope to be
able to publish them later next week. I do apologise
For now please consider signing a
new petition in the campaign against the
slaughter of baby seals on the Ice flows of eastern Canada. there are
only 11 days left before this cruel slaughter begins.
Tell Canada to Speak the Truth About the Seal Hunt Petition
Also you may want to participate in an on line poll:
"This morning’s CTV broadcast of Canada AM featured interviews with
both Minister Hearn and Sheryl Fink from IFAW. After the show, CTV
posted a poll on their website asking viewers “Do you support the seal
hunt?” The poll is in the top right corner of Canada AM’s home page."
CTV.ca | CTV News, Shows and Sports - Canadian Television
This poll may only be temporary so please vote as soon as you can.
March 23nd
Our life always expresses the result of our
dominant thoughts.
Soren Kiekegaard
(
I have since published the entries referred to below)
I guess you could call this real time OCD as my problems with
checking are really obvious and happen now as I write here with yet
another explanation concerning a further delay in publishing entries
that I have written from the 18th February but which have not been
included because of my obsession with checking my writing. I would
imagine that by now the best course of action would be to scrap all
these entries yet they have taken so much of my time and energy and I
would loath to do this, because if I do the OCD has won again and this
time I do not want this to happen if at all possible. So please bear
with me, I will publish as soon as I can and thereafter endeavour not to
allow my thoughts to interfere.
I am in the throes of a significant fibromyalgia flare up, I wake in
considerable pain, I am feeling overwhelmed by his and other
unfavourable circumstances in my life including my OCD. Everything seems
just too much and no moment passes without some confrontation with these
issues. I have written quite a lot in the last month and it is
exhausting as I have too much to check and too many obsessions,
doubts and anxieties about what I write.. It is as though now I have a
compulsion to write, a very overwhelming compulsion rather like an
addiction. The problem however is the conflict which arises with my
checking OCD, the compulsive fear driven need to have to check so much
writing. For me now this is a major problem and one which is not
really understood by family members or others as it seems unimportant.
Often people think that activities on the Internet are not real; we
refer to our other activities as real-time when speaking of our other
daily routines and interactions with others. But to me this kind of
activity on the net is just as real, activities that involve other people are just
as real as they are elsewhere in ones life. Just because our interaction
is more remote it is still nonetheless very real. For anyone
involved with others on the net these interactions can have just the
same impact as they do in the rest of your day to day life. One can be
just as hurt by the actions of people on the net as you can be in other
situations in your day to day social interactions. You can be just as
worried when someone with whom you have shared e-mail correspondence,
whom you never met has not written as you would be if a friend whom you
have met has not telephoned or visited and so on. Yes this area of my
life is as important as any other, it is my attempt to share with you
what life is really like with OCD. OCD is not just the obvious things
such as contamination and checking locks and doors, it can extend to
every endeavour you undertake and it will devour your entire life and
the struggle just to keep afloat can be overwhelming. This problem with
ruminating about and checking my writing is for me as big a struggle as
my contamination OCD, it is just as destructive, it brings as much
misery, fear and frustration.
My OCD centres upon at least three issues: the fear of death, the
fear of unintentionally causing harm either to myself or others to
include other creatures and feelings of over responsibility. This harm
is of course is not caused in an obvious way; for instance my fear of
becoming contaminated involves irrational fears that I might bring
about harm to not only myself but others; having once become
contaminated I than fear that harm will not only come upon myself but
also others. In fact I worry more about harm coming to others rather
than to myself. Contaminated in this context means something like I have
for instance touched a door handle that someone else has touched
and I have not washed my hands. Let me explain by relating to you a
recent situation whilst shopping. After using the toilet and of
course washing my hands I have to open the door to leave the toilet, a
door which many people will use who have not washed their hands. I
overcome this problem by using a paper towel to open the door than
crunching up the towel carefully so the contaminated portion is in the
inside and putting it into my pocket to dispose of later. Now if I
do not do this the following scenario would unfold in my mind. If
after opening the door without the use of a tissue I than go and touch a
packet of food, for instance biscuits, while shopping, note the packet
not the actual food, and replace it back on the shelf because it is not what I want a chain reaction of anxieties arises
rather like this: I touch the door handle, my hand is contaminated.
I touch the packet of biscuits, it is than contaminated. someone else touches the
packet, his hands are contaminated. He than reaches into the
packet and touches the food with his hands which are contaminated as a
result of touching the packet. The person than eats the contaminated
foot, get food poising and dies. Two fears present: Firstly concern for
the wellbeing of the person. The second fear involves a kind of
superstitious magical kind of reasoning that in a kind of karmic
comeuppance way harm may befall either myself or a loved one because of
my negligence for allowing contamination to spread to others because I
did not wash my hands after touching the door handle.
The same bizarre reasoning and accompanying anxieties apply to
everything I do and to every obsession and compulsion and this of
course includes checking anything I write should I indivertibly cause
harm. Anxieties about causing harm is my greatest fear. Most people when they read what I have written will really not see
what all the fuss is about and I know this but this rationalism seems
not stem the fears raised from this illogical and irrational anxiety
which has grown out of all proportion.
My family of course have their own battles they are absorbed in their
own fight against the fears and worries which invade their minds and all
of us feel pretty much alone needing some support yet unable to support
each other.
I will endeavour to publish as soon as possible as I do not want to
allow OCD to ruin what I am trying to do here. There needs to be more
understanding concerning our plight and the plight of all those who
suffer the horrendous torment of any mental illness and my aim in
writing what my life is like is an attempt on my part to help bring
about such an understanding.
In the mean time below is more action you might wish to take
concerning the plight of baby seals soon to be massacred on the ice
flows of Eastern Canada against the wishes of the majority of Canadians
and others world wide. There are just two days to go before the onset of
this horrible cruel slaughter of these defenceless creatures so if you
feel it appropriate please sign the petitions above if you have not
already done so. Below is further action you may take.
You may write directly to the Canadian Prime minister by e mail, fax
,or snail mail. Although right now with only two days to go fax or
e-mail would better. However this is an ongoing campaign.
Prime Minister's Office
Right Honorable Stephen Harper
Office of the Prime Minister
80 Wellington St. Ottawa
Ontario, Canada K1A OA2
1-613-992-4211
Fax: 613-941-6900
E-mail:
pm@pm.gc.ca
You can also write, fax, e-mail, or call the nearest Canadian
embassy. You can find the Canadian Embassy in your country by clicking
the link below.
Canadian embassy in your nation.
My sincere thanks to anyone who has helped in this on going campaign
March 24th
While we are postponing, life speeds by.
Seneca
If you visit my blog regularly you may have
noticed an odd discrepancy the entry below was actually published on the
3rd March. Since that time I have edited the entries referred to below
and published them now so my blog will appear rather muddled out of
sequence so please if you 're a regular reader just ignore this, if you
re new to my blog today you will not even notice this.
The request below however remains as valid now as
when it was published.
I have other entries to publish but I have not
finished editing them...well alright checking them. I could not get them
finished in time to include the following request. I am under a lot of
strain right now and I shall tell you all about it soon but today just
for now I wanted to give you another opportunity to sign a petition from
the Humane society of the United States against the slaughter of baby
seals due to take place later this month. Time is running out and to day
I received a further reminder about the urgency of this campaign. This
campaign has a better chance of success this year as Canada has a new
prime minister. Also Paul McCartney a campaigner for animal welfare now
supports this campaign to end this cruel practice. Please consider
signing the petition and visit the humane societies website. Thank you.
Call on Canada's New Prime Minister to End the Seal Slaughter! Petition.
Protect Seals
March 25th Yesterday
is ashes; tomorrow wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly.
Eskimo proverb
Sometimes
I think a great deal about my future as indeed we all do whether or not
we have a mental health problem. Fears of the future haunt most people.
Getting older can be daunting for everyone although of course the
alternative is worse. No I am not being facetious the alternative is of course worse
nonetheless we do worry more as we get older and often we may become
preoccupied by our past mistakes - at least those we perceive as
past mistakes. Often in retrospect and in hindsight we foster many
regrets and these may haunt us as they do from time to time in those
quieter moments of reflection, or for the OCD suffer rumination might be
a better way of describing this. Most people have regrets but for those
of us with a mental illness such as OCD and other anxiety disorders we
tend to perhaps be tormented more and haunted by our regrets for what we
perceive as a wasted life.
At my time of life I feel an increasing urge or
is it compulsion to find some happiness and satisfaction I do not wish
to die with regret yet I feel such is my lot. For me personally
the need to find some happiness, satisfaction and peace of mind, some
resolve to my miserable life has become in itself a driving obsession
and I actually find little peace or comfort anywhere driven by the urge
to make something of my life. This is creating misery frustration and
bouts of inconsolable depression and anger. Yes anger as I increasing
feel thwarted by not only my decline in health but all the awful and
indeed less awful and perhaps even trivial events in my life that get in
the way of my quest to find some satisfaction before I die. Life is
racing by in such preoccupation and I push myself to the limit and all
the time the stress and anxiety this causes is in fact increasing my
OCD. Each day ends in some dissatisfaction and I find no peace of mind
anywhere. I try to live for the moment but find it difficult to actually
stop and be in the moment driven by OCD or this quest to find some fulfilment,
a quest
which really is in fact also part of my OCD. It is just one of the many
more obscure and covert manifestations of this disorder; I image
that few normal people are as consciously driven in this way. Often we do not
recognise what is happening at first and we are swept away by thoughts
and ideas that may not at first appear to have any connection with our
OCD. OCD can be very insidious indeed and months if not years of
suffering can ensue without our recognising the OCD thinking behind some
of our worst frustrations and torments. At least concerning the above I have insight into what is going
on although it is nonetheless difficult to thwart or even mitigate this
type of obsessive compulsive behaviour as it is any other.
I need to learn to live in the moment. Yes we
need to make preparation for the future but not to the extent of
destroying the here and now. And I know this is sound logic but again with
OCD it is the mind that torments one despite all our attemps at
rationality. Notwithstanding all the good advice, the platitudes, the logic, our mind
continues to torture us with one thing than another and there is so
little peace to be found anywhere. It is of great benefit for the
sufferer of a mental health problem or indeed anyone who is stressed and
burdened with worry to learn to compartmentalise and live in each moment
. I try in a small way. When I wake with all the fears and anxieties
swirling about in my mind, a maelstrom of misery which is a dreadful
start to any day but is the lot of all who suffer as we do, I try to
tell myself that it is 4am, I can't do much about anything and the next
two or three hours are mine. This only works of course if my worries for
that morning are centred upon some problem later in the day or another
day. This attempt at compartmentalisation does not work of course if my
fears and anxieties are centred on my computer which for the most part
is my early morning distraction - at least that was the idea originally,
but my anxieties about writing and all the checking involved
recently means this is no longer a distraction and becomes part of the
problem. But sometimes I have to take time out and tell myself
that for the next hour I just do something I would enjoy, something that
has no particular meaning and is not related to OCD or any of the others
problems that face me. This of course is not easy and thoughts pour in
as they 're doing now. I sit here anxious, I need to write an e-mail I
need to look this up or that up on the net usually because of some OCD
type concern or anxiety. No these are not normal pressures, both of
these are compulsions borne of OCD. It is difficult I know, but we
need to find some time even just an hour, half an hour, five minutes
even just to separate oneself from ones unhappiness, driven impulses,
our obsessions and companions, anxiety and all the other crap which
torrent our minds destroying our lives.
March25th
Our treatment of animals will someday be
considered barbarous. There cannot be perfect civilisation until man
realises that the rights of every living creature are as sacred as his
own.
Dr David Starr Jordan
“Despite a growing international outcry, Canada’s government will
once again bow to its powerful fishing industry and allow the world’s
largest commercial slaughter of marine mammals to go forward.
Tomorrow morning the ice floes in the Gulf of St. Lawrence will
transform into blood-soaked killing fields when hunters descend upon the
baby seals, clubbing as many as they can find.”
The Humane Society of the United states New letter march 2006
I like to imagine a situation in the future where we have become more
humane and advanced to such a degree of compassion and reverence for the
right of all beings to life, that we will value the lives of all
creatures as much as our own. I would like to envision a society where
no animal is used or abused for any purpose, where it is neither eaten
nor experimented upon, it is neither caged nor detrimentally effected in
any way. I like to consider that in the future the human race will look
back in horror concerning the barbaric and cruel way we treat animals in
much the same way that we view and continue to view the atrocities that
we have perpetrated upon our fellow human beings.
Today begins the savage cruel and barbarous massacre of baby seals on
the ice flows of eastern Canada. It is my understanding that this
atrocity occurs against the wishes of the majority of people, not only in
Canada but elsewhere. It is a tragedy and against all decency and the
values of a so called civilised and democratic nation. It not only
highlights the complete disregard to any considerations concerning
animal abuse and cruelty, but it brings to the fore the fact that
democracy does not exist in any real way. Concerning this and many other
issues governments of so called democratic nations including the UK
blatantly do exactly whatever they please knowing full well that the
majority of its citizens who elected them are in opposition. Even
without statistics it is clear that the majority of Canadians would not
condone such blatant cruelty, it is obvious from various polls that the
majority of Canadians are opposed to this slaughter. I mean seriously
can the government honestly believe that its citizens condone this
massacre. Of course not, but they do not give a dam concerning the
wishes of its citizens and others world wide. It appears to me that if
the desires of the majority of the citizens of any so called democracy
oppose those of business, power and profit well than democracy....
doesn't exist does it. Again the Canadian Government has bowed to the
power of the fishing industry.
This year I really thought that things would change and that finally
we would see an end to this atrocity. I think that such is an
unnecessary evil and not worthy of a civilised country such as Canada.
“The callous disregard these sealers show for the natural world
around them amazes me. That these seals must endure their icy habitat
literally disappearing in the wake of unseasonably warm temperatures is
bad enough. Worse still is that so many of the pups born this year have
most likely drowned because the ice melted beneath them before they were
old enough to swim proficiently. But it is unthinkable that in the next
few days, sealers will club or shoot to death the few surviving pups for
their fur. “ Rebecca Aldworth
To read the rest of this article and for more information please
click the following link.
March 23: By Any Means Necessary
You can still sign the petition to save baby seals although the
slaughter has begun
Call on Canada's New Prime Minister to End the Seal Slaughter! Petition.
Protect Seals
A man should wander about treating all creatures
as he himself would be treated.
Sutrakritanga (Jainism)
March 30th.
We are still in the throes of decorating and
our
house is still a chaotic mess but enough is enough the damp course is
installed and the rest can wait, I really cannot cope with any more. Yes
I can look at half plastered walls as a result of the damp course
needing to be fitted, its not pretty I know but I am too tired ill
and depressed to do much about it and decorating it can wait until the autumn. For as
you get older you feel in any case less inclined to wish to waste away
ones life decorating; it is enormously exhausting, time consuming and
dead boring. We still have not sorted or confronted all our clutter
stashed away in draws and other hidey holes. I am really at a loss to
know what to do about the increasing problem of not being able to throw
things away but for now I do not feel in a position to do much of
anything finding that trying to confront my anxieties and compulsive
checking obsessions concerning writing more than enough to contend with.
I feel that my home rather like my life is falling apart and for the
time being I want to forget about it. It has been a difficult time it
has made me feel depressed and angry. None of us are any good at
practicalities, we are hopeless at DIY except for very basics and this
has made life very difficult. We are somehow going to learn how to do
things ourselves with the exception of of electrical jobs which of
course require a qualified person. The tendency amongst skilled trades
people to charge exorbitant rates for work has made life impossible for
us and has tarnished further my hope that there is anyone left whose
lives'
are not oriented by money, greed and profiteering Yes indeed it is not
only the cowboys, the rip off rogues but the qualified trades people who
although they do a satisfactory job charge huge amounts of money more in
one day than my husband used to earn all week when he was able to work!
This of course is a generalisation I do not
wish to tar everyone with the same brush. We had a few tiles missing
from the kitchen floor as a result of the need to have the damp course
fitted and we had no idea really how to replace them, such was referred
to in DIY manuals as a job for an advanced level which no way described
anyone of us. Also for me with my OCD it would be difficult to contend
with this rather messing task. I am sort of okay with paint but jobs
which involves dust flying about... well you have to count me out. As it
was I had to shower after the job had been completed just tidying up
afterwards. Anyway we managed by word of mouth and recommendation to
find someone who was very proficient and charged a reasonable and fair
price. This has restored my faith that there are people who are more
reasonable and are not prepared to take advantage of the situation which
finds qualified trades people a rarity, which of course results in many
of them, sadly in my experience a great many of them, charging
exorbitant prices. . It seems now that many people think of little
else than making money mostly at others expense and somehow they
justify this by saying: I had to go to university or college ; I had to
undergo an apprenticeship although that seems a rarity nowadays. Well
fine, great, you' re lucky to have the wherewithal to do that but not
everyone does, not every one has the kind of intellect to be academic or
to learn a trade. Some of us may not be well enough, there are any
number of reasons yet everyone who works contributes to society
and everyone has the same needs, we all need food, a comfortable safe
home, warmth and some means to have a leisurely pursuit to add to
quality of life. I find it very unfair that in our society one person
can earn as little as £5.25 per hour which I believe is basic minimum wage
while another can earn as much as £75 per hour which I understand is
the basic rate for a plumber, a builder may want even more!
And of course there are a significant number of people who earn huge
amounts more than can be spent in lifetime.
Social injustice really angers me and I wander
how governments allow it ,or tolerate it and moreover condone and even
encourage it.
Furthermore is it not time that something was
done to protect those of us in society that are more vulnerable to
exploitation. Moreover there should be more practical help available to
anyone who has a health or disability problem which would make the
handling of such situations difficult as the one we faced earlier and
continue to face. There are many members of our society who simply
through no fault of their own find it enormously difficult to function
in such situations, to know what to do, or where to go, who to find to
do a job and so on. All this may seem obvious to anyone who does not
have a mental health problem or similar issue, someone for instance on
the autistic spectrum such as my son who has aspergers syndrome who
despite being intelligent is clueless about practical matters as indeed
are both my husband and I. Moreover one can simply be too ill; for
instance my OCD often gets in the way for one reason or another and it
may make it difficult to function in logical or normal way and often one
simply is too stressed or depressed to make sound decisions. People with
autism are by their nature naive and vulnerable and moreover find it
difficulty to cope with every day practicalities taken so for granted by
most people. Moreover communication deficiencies further accentuate the
problem of naivety and increase the likelihood of getting ripped of for
anyone on the Autistic spectrum or others with communication problems
such as a social phobic or someone seriously depressed. Yes it is time
that vulnerable members of society were better helped and advised in
such matters. This fitting of this damp course had to be done for health
reasons and for safety; damp creeping up the walls can become a fire
hazard as electrical wiring becomes damp not to mention the health risk
from mould spores. However many in our society particualry someone living
alone with any of the above problems would I imagine find it impossible
to have such work undertaken, just the aftermath of clearing away
would be impossible for such a person. It was a nightmare for the three
of us, days passed nothing was done, apathy set in, we floundered not
knowing quite what to do who to trust and yet it is not finished,
normal people would have decorated and had all the painting done, floor
tiles and so on and be back to normal long before now.
March 31st
Well finally I have published after nearly six weeks of anxiety;
checking and ruminating. I am really having a difficult time with
anything and everything that I write and the torment of anxiety as a
result of my OCD thinking is unbearable. I feel as though it is becoming
too much of a torture to carry on. Each morning I dread working on my
computer I have checked the above entries since February 19th over and
over, again and again analysing, catastrophising, imagining, doubting,
fearing ,worrying; anxious I have written something harmful despite the
fact that after each check I can see nothing obvious , than of course it
does not have to be obvious; one can causes harm, upset or just offence
in any number of ways which may not be intentional or obvious. For
instance something I have written maybe misinterpreted. This happened
some years ago when writing a letter to the forestry commission about
the increase in attacks on sheep which graze in the forest by the dogs
belonging to residents of nearby houses and of people who walk their
unleashed, untrained dogs through the forest. The precipitant of my
letter was so upset and accused me of attacking hem even though
they had taken every step to try to stop this. All I thought was doing
was to point out the problem, my letter was not meant to
accusatory or blaming just making a strong statement. Even now
thinking about this after all this time I feel just awful that this
person misinterpreted my intentions.
Sometimes
however I really do not know quite what it is that worries me. I of course
continue to obsess over grammar; checking each entry always finding
mistakes. My written work will never be perfect, it is not possible. I
am not a writer furthermore I have learning difficulties possibly ADD .
If you have read my blog, well you know of my problems, I have explained
them upon many occasions. Also fears of boring you and being repetitious
play a part in my anxieties as I go over and over the same tired worn
out experiences, but that is OCD is it not. I cannot even satisfy myself
that I have properly explained my situation, so again I go over it
adding more detail, rephrasing, repeating, endless repetition. Doubt and
lack of self confidence is of course a great inhibitor also. Many such doubts
are borne from the long years of experiences which have highlighted this fact right from
school with the all too familiar comments of teachers
concerning “careless errors” which were not in fact such but simply
faults, mistakes which part of my brain fails to see no matter how often
written work is checked.
Quite what I am to do about his problem I do not know. It is indeed
as much a problem as my contamination OCD and it is having a devastating
effected upon my life along with an increasing inability to make a
decision about anything, literally anything! . Eventually it is only
sheer exhaustion that permits me now to publish, I simply cannot read
through all that again. Therefore I do so without further checking
although anxieties lurk within my mind about what I have written. The
awful thing about OCD is that if I abandoned this pursuit for some peace
from the torment and engaged myself in something entirely new the OCD
would present itself in my new endeavour and destroy that also so. It is
an insidious evil monster, it seems hell bent upon screwing up your life
and no matter what you do it will do its damdist to ruin it for you. You
have to be aware of this otherwise you are lost. The more you resist, the
more it increases the torment. But I do not want it to win, no not this
time, so amidst all the doubts, all the fears I will publish and try not
to allow so much time to pass before doing so again.
My apologies if my blog seems muddled and confused with all these
back entries suddenly appearing but it is just OCD in action and in fact
gives you the reader an insight into the perversity and indeed the
diversity and pervasive nature of OCD. I am not as I have said a writer
and I need to realise this as much as anyone else. I do not write here
for effect that is one thing that I do not worry about at least not too
much. I want my writing to reflect as much as possible what it is like
to have severe OCD and how it has interfered here on my website as much
as it does in every other facet of my life. I have articles to publish
, my mind awash with ideas yet the fear of writing something harmful or
inaccurate has grown out of all proportion that is has virtually become
impossible to do so without the unbearable agony of torment. And no this
is not creative writing for effect, this is the truth, the torment of
agony of OCD is real, if you 're not a sufferer you will never really
understand what we go through, but I hope that my blog reflects this
aspect of this particular torment in the last six weeks or so and you re
not too confused as a result.
Finally my last say on the awful slaughter of baby seals, at least
for a while. As I write now today more baby seals are being clubbed to
death, skinned alive and shot. As many 300,000 of these vulnerable
defenceless creatures will die for their fur. It is not to late to
continue to sigh petitions if you have not done so or to write to
Stephen Harper the Canadian prime minister.
Prime Minister's Office
Right Honorable Stephen Harper
Office of the Prime Minister
80 Wellington St. Ottawa
Ontario, Canada K1A OA2
1-613-992-4211
Fax: 613-941-6900
E-mail:
pm@pm.gc.ca
Call on Canada's New Prime Minister to End the Seal Slaughter! Petition.
Tell Canada to Speak the Truth About the Seal Hunt Petition
Seals - Seal Hunt: Protect harp seals from animal cruelty in Canada -
Seal Hun
SAVE THE
BABY HARP SEALS! Petition
HSUS Protect Seals
This is an on-going campaign to stop this brutality.
Here is further action you may take write to the designers who use
seal skin
Designers Who Use Seal Fur and Skin.
other actions you may take
Protect Seals: What You Can Do
*
Disclaimer :
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and
have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries .
However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not
necessarily reflect my own opinions.
*
Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be
times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure
with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to
publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
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