June 1st
The first day of June
and it is raining, the pleasant weather at the beginning of May
which led many to hope that it heralded what might be a long hot
summer has long since gone. The forecast for today was supposed
to be sunny and warm as it was yesterday at least part of
yesterday, the morning however despite the forecast to the
contrary was chilly and cloudy. In fact for the last couple of
weeks it has been more or less dull, cold and unseasonable and
really depressing.
Yesterday we went to
Druridge Bay Country Park. The entire park includes a lake
with woods, meadows and 3 miles of sandy beach with sand-dunes.
There is a Visitor's centre although only open at weekends and
some school holidays, plenty of walks in unspoilt country, a
good place for bird watchers and despite it being a tourist
destination it is peaceful, it has few visitors and for those of
us who do not like crowds it is easy to get away from the few
visitors that there are.
It is a really beautiful part of the Northumbrian cost, other than
the visitor's centre and a small children's play area there are
no buildings, nothing unnatural except sadly litter scattered
all along the beach. I cannot understand how some of the
things I saw on this beach got there, unless they are washed in
from some place else. Empty paint cans, car tyres, plastic mesh,
even a bucket! along with countless plastic bottles and plastic
bags. They say there is 100 million tons of plastic in the
north pacific alone. I can well believe it if this beach is
anything to go by.
My son thinks it’s an
obsession with me, perhaps it is, I know I can't ignore all this
this garbage, it drive me crazy, makes me angry.
Going anywhere like
this is difficult for me, unlike places such as the Yorkshire
Dales where there is sheep farming people are required to at the
very least keep their dogs under close supervision, preferably
on a leash. Here on the beach no such restriction will apply of
course and there will be unleashed dogs. And rightly so as dogs
do need freedom from time to time and if their are no farm animals around there is not much you can say.
But still people should realise that not everyone appreciates
the attention of their boisterous friendly mutt.
It is just so
stressful I cannot relax fearing possible contact at any moment.
My son says that the dogs don't knew that I am anxious. This
is simply not true they do seem to know perhaps it is due to
hormones released by fear which the dogs can smell. I try so
hard to enjoy these days out or at least do my best not to spoil
it for my husband and son and I know that if only I did
not have OCD this would have been the case for me also. At one time before this
aspect of OCD became a problem a trip to the sea was a delightful
experience, a much anticipated event rather than one I have come
to dread for this and other reasons.
It is not simply fear
of contamination as a result of contact with dogs and other
stimuli, there is now a pervading general fear and whenever I
step outside my whole body reacts before I have even had time to
see a dog or other anxiety provoking stimuli of which there are
many. It is as though my whole system reacts in anticipation
even before the stimulus of my fear has presented. In fact in
recent weeks even before I have actually gone outside I am
beset by awful anxiety, at least a sudden and significant surge
in my already chronic anxiety, for I am now constantly anxious
to some degree or another. During these more anxious episodes my
stomach tightens, there is this sensation difficult to describe
rising the from the pit of my stomach speeding throughout my
whole body accumulating with a lump in my throat;
my bladder goes into over drive, the urge to urinate is severe
and it is not relieved after using the toilet; often before I
have washed my hands the same severe sensation returns. Also IBS
presents more severely than usual whenever I go out or
anticipate going out and I am in and out to the toilet several
times before leaving my home and than consistently time and time
again whilst I am out and I never feel comfortable always
feeling as though I need to urinate or defecate. Not a
compatible problem with OCD contamination fears as one doctor
pointed out some years ago telling me "it can't be
easy having IBS with OCD". She could not have said a more true
word, not just the misery of feeling the need to use the toilet
is the only issue of course, but in addition for someone with
contamination OCD it is an ordeal and brings its own measure of
anxiety which results from having to use a public toilet which is
stressful even if they are spotlessly clean, which is rare.
Ironically it is often the OCD or the
anxiety that brings on more severe symptoms, rather a catch
twenty two situation. In addition to all this I feel weak
and sometimes there is a sensation of numbness down one side
which of course brings on increased anxiety due to fears that I
may be having a stroke even though on two occasions previously I
have been to the doctor and the hospital and was asked if I
suffered with anxiety. Moreover the thoughts of this kind
of anxiety attack actually brings one on and as soon as the need
to go anywhere is mentioned the whole cycle of anxiety symptoms
begins. It is not an exaggeration to say that for most of the time I am in a
permanent state of anxiety, like an animal alert to every
possible danger in its environment but these attacks are an
additional more acute and severe versions of chronic and
pervasive anxiety.
Is this a panic attack
or simply the accumulative effects of anxiety? This is very
difficult to say, for the most part these symptoms arise during
times of stress or even at the very hint of an increase in
stress or anxiety. However there are some occasions, although these are few and far between
and often only after an attack of diarrhoea, when the IBS and
bladder problems are less severe for a day or two, even though
the situation is nonetheless one that precipitates anxiety.
These symptoms are not all the symptoms of a panic attack. For
instance, there is no racing heart which gives rise to fear on
behalf of the sufferer who thinks be may be having a heart
attack, although I feel the intense sensation of fear in my
chest and stomach and also there are additional symptoms not
included in the symptomology of a panic attack.
So today it was like
this all day and I felt increased anxiety and the need to keep
moving and became impatient with the others for stopping to look
at this or that. Every time I get even a twinge of a headache
I felt panicky anxious should this be a migraine. I had only
just had one the day before but of course this does by no means
guarantee I wont get another attack the following day.
But as days go it was
pleasant day but it would be an exaggeration to say that I
enjoyed it. I would have if I had not OCD IBS, migraine not to
mention the need to find a toilet and often when I find one the
need in reality does not exist and the sensations remain.
The day turned warmer and sunnier as the afternoon approached
evening. We stopped off at Barters' Book shop in Alnwick, a
favourite place of my son's . A second hand book shop with a
huge range of books, my son being an avid collector likes to
browse for ages, the shop does not close until 7 pm even on
Saturdays. Well... at least they have a toilet. The lack of
toilet faculties here in the northeast has added greatly to my
misery and can limit the places I can go. Sometimes even large
towns do not have a public toilet and in recent years many close
early even before 5am!
Sadly after arriving
home I had a severe bout of diarrhoea, the result of my IBS.
Well I guess I should think myself lucky it waited until we arrived
home
What a nightmare! But
that is what life is like for me and I either try and do the
best I can to function or cope or simply bear it or I cease to
function all together. Believe me at times it is tempting to
stay home but the torment would be there also, maybe in a
different form but OCD adapts to fit the situation and would
find some additional torment. Yes it would be easier with my
migraine and IBS and so on but than if I gave in and stayed home
I would experience an increase in depression as a result of
giving into these miseries and I would ruminate that my life was
even more wasted than it is or has been already. Except in times
of extreme adversity I have always endeavoured to struggle to
make the best I can of my situation regarding the conditions
from which I suffer.
And sometimes just
being outside in the fresh air in the wild open spaces is a balm
to my troubled mind even if only very briefly. I did feel some
uplift in my mood albeit momentary from
watching the waves pounding on the beach, amidst the constant
anxiety about and checking for the approach of an unleashed dog, and the smell of salt
in the air. These sensory stimuli brought back memories of my
childhood which was not trouble free by any means but which was
nothing like as tortuous as my life today.
June 3rd
I cannot believe it! I
am actually here standing in one of the four ancient hill top
forts on one of the many hills which overlook the gorse covered Breamish
Valley, in the Cheviot hills northumbria. We have lived in
the northeast for six years and this is the first time I have
overcome my anxieties to climb up to one of these hill top forts
and I do so now only with bloody determination notwithstanding
either my
extreme anxiety should my existing mild headache suddenly become
migraine, or the arduous walk up the hill with my aching joints
and limbs. But we, my husband and I, stop now and again for me to get my
breath and on occasion threatening to return feeling too fearful to go on as of
course if I did get migraine and one that escalated rapidly it
would be a nightmare getting down quickly. Migraine is no trivial
condition and has been described as one of the most debilitating conditions
known to mankind. Nonetheless my anxieties about getting one can
be excessive and in a way has become part of my obsessive-compulsive anxieties
and behaviours, giving rise to a number of compulsions,
inhibitions and catastrophizing scenarios which often limit my
activities.
The Breamish Valley
near Ingram is the site of ancient Neolithic and Bronze Age hill
forts and we are visiting the first of four which lie along a
circular route. There are I believe twelve in all in the
Cheviot hills. Today we did this simply on impulse but I have
wanted do so now for years but felt the ascent too arduous.
However after looking at an information plaque which made at
least the first hill fort look not too far distant we decided we
would try and attempt to at least to reach the first one taking
it one stage at a time.
It feels good to be
standing here despite my anxiety, the views are spectacular,
although having made it I am anxious to return and to make the
descent as quickly as possible. We missed the path and entered
by scrambling over the rocks which comprise the periphery of the
hill fort, not easy for me but today I am
determined to do this knowing that I will suffer later on, or at
any rate I am anxious that I might.
The entrance in prehistoric times was positioned in order to appreciate
the spectacular view and to give reverence to nature and we did
not appreciate this effect until were leaving. It is a truly
atmospheric place, birds squawk swooping overhead, the wind is
blowing and clouds drift across this magnificent vista and one
can imagine what it must have been like to live back in those
times, thousands of years ago when the world was filled only
with natural sounds. The smell of pine and wood is strong from a
nearby forest and for once we can feel that we are breathing in
fresh air. My husband later remarks how much he loves this part
of the country, here it is truly peaceful and although there is
a one track no through road these hills are accessible but
little frequented, you will not hear the constant hum of
traffic, the thumping of music, the racket of neighbourhood lawn
mowers as my husband remarked. No all you hear is the rustle of
trees in the wind, the rippling rush of the of the river which
passes through the valley and the bleating of sheep, a
particular delight with so many little lambs. The Breamish valley and indeed other parts of the
Cheviot hills are among the few really peaceful places left in
our overcrowded country so shaped by human intervention that
little of nature remains which has not be interfered with. There
are no large urban populations nearby and the area seems to be
missed by tourists. Sad for those who do not know of this
special place but for me and others like me who are sensitive to
noise, at least the noise of man, we appreciate this peaceful
sanctuary. We wished we could live here away from the clamour
and the noise and bustle of life. I know I would feel some
improvement in my general well-being although of course I
know that no matter where I am there is OCD always.
(I should mention that
unfortunately the army has commandeered some parts of the
Cheviots for its manoeuvres. There are maps indicating these
areas which are accessible but only at certain times and not
when a red is flying, but we avoid these areas entirely.
But this does not effect the area we visited today which is
situated to the northern end of the Cheviots and is part of the
Northumbrian National park.)
We did not stay long
something I now regret but due to anxiety about concerns about
the possibility of a migraine attack and general anxiety
we made our way down and about a half hour later...well... guess
what... the mild headache became migraine. Well I suppose it
might be said that the dreadful anxiety I felt throughout this
trek about the possibility of getting a migraine actually brought
one on. Although I am still not convinced that stress, anxiety
or depression are responsible for migraine as is often
suggested. Although in this case the
evidence would seem convincing indeed.
Here are a few
photographs taken during our trip.
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Remains
of the hill topfort overlooking the Breamish valley.
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The photographs
below have been sized for use as desk top wall paper and will open
into a new window.
Below is a link to the
visitors' centre website where you will see video of this area.
National Park Centre, Ingram
We have taken a video
of the hill fort and this will hopefully be included in U tube
as soon as it is uploaded and I will try to include a link in a
future entry, if I do not forget, memory lapses being an
increasing problem of late.
June 4th
Well the sun is
finally shinning today after an absolute downpour yesterday. I
try to sit outside having woken with a very bad headache which
became much worse about 8am thwarting my plans to go out and get
some shopping, nothing urgent though but frustrating
nonetheless. And even more annoying is the racket which
grates on my sensitivities to noise as soon as I sit out in the
garden, a chance to take advantage of the early morning sunshine
which is slowly already giving way once again to clouds. So this
is why am I now here on my compter writing this and checking for
the umpteenth time those previous entries.
As is so common
nowadays it seems that as soon as the sun shines the neighbours
are out with their grass cutters, hedge trimmers and goodness
knows what else. It drives me crazy, make me angry. I know such
jobs have to be done but not the minute the sun comes out after
a few days of dull, cloudy and chilly weather, during a spring
which has been much the same with only few respites. You think
these people who are mostly retired would want to sit out or go
out someplace and enjoy this pleasant break in what looks like
another cool, dank, wet and dull spring and summer. But no
people seem not to be able to rest or enjoy life at all and most
have not dire circumstances which I and many others have to
contend with, although I think life is difficult for people
generally nowadays and they simply can't rest, workaholics.
And besides what
happened to hand shears; the clip clip clip of which is far
preferable to the noise polluting drone or screech of modern
machinery. Sometimes I think people can barely do anything
besides wipe their arse without a machine !
Yes I am angry.
Unreasonable? Depends on your perspective. I know of course the
neighbours do not know I suffer with migraine and chronic daily
headache nonetheless I am angry despite logic or reason. This
noise simply brings about this type of emotion and logic does
nothing to migrate such feelings.
Well I will go back to
checking these entries now which is what I intended to do whilst
hoping for some peace and quiet, the feeling of frustration is
awful right now and I am wondering if I am ever going to update
this blog let alone my website which has had no new additions
since April. Yes I am having a difficult time coping not only
with my website but with life in general. I feel so irritated,
anxious, stressed and depressed all the time. My headaches are
more painful of late and I am waking with more severe pain
during the night as was the case the night we returned from our
trip out which of course made me consider that the effort of
trying to climb up to the hill fort is responsible and as
a result the next time I will be hesitant to do similar. You
cannot imagine how angry this makes me. I doubt this expenditure
of energy did little more than make me feel perhaps a little
more weary and achy than usual which would be the same for
anyone I suppose. But hey when you have OCD your rational
logic does not enter the equation. The pain was so bad during
the night I thought my migraine had returned.
I guess I am also more
anxious concerning my entries because of that huge mistake I
made back in April which remained on-line for nearly two weeks
with no one telling me about this. Well at least it does show in
real time so to speak my mental state if nothing else.
You know what they say
about there being no peace for the wicked or in my case the
sick, anxious and depressed. Just now my husband comes up to me
whilst writing this saying there is someone at the door selling
cheaper energy, gas and electricity. That's all I need. I simply
cant cope with the social interaction at any time but with a
headache its a nightmare. I wish for the days when gas,
electricity, water, telephone, public transport and so on were
all nationalised. Wasn't life simpler. I really cant cope with
forever looking round for cheaper deals when in reality there
are none. Being pressured to change providers or suppliers, its
a dog eat dog world and I don't much like it. There are no
deals, its all about making money not about providing a public
service, the feathering of ones own nest mentality, capitalism,
which has led to mass starvation, lack of shelter and health
care for millions, exploitation of both man and other animals,
the environment, the extinction of many species, the destruction
of the rainforest, global warming . No I have not discussed my
political leanings but I think you get the idea that
my political ideology leans rather too the left.
The government now
want private companies to run the health service! Hey private
companies couldn't even keep hospital toilets clean let alone
run the health service. Standards of hygiene in hospitals have
deteriorated since the NHS engaged private cleaning firms to
clean hospitals as has the dramatic increase in hospital super
bugs. Health care should not be a marketable commodity, no one
should make money from the sickness of other people. I find this very worrying as I imagine does
everyone particualry those of us with chronic medical
conditions.
Well my headache is
easing off and I will leave it there and will not wind myself up
over issues that I cannot change. Here is a quote I often
recite to myself at such times:
For peace of mind, resign as
general manager of the universe.
Author Unknown
June 5th
The links below will
take you to videos by Kirk Stacy:
Kirk shares with you
useful advice about OCD and some of his experiences as a
sufferer.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=GCpb6P4CWW4
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=cF8Q5mmvJRw
A collection of Kirks how to fight OCD
artwork:
YouTube - Harry me and OCD
June 6th
Well I woke this morning headache free, its after 4am and I
decided not to return to sleep as often doing so brings on a
headache if one does not already exist. This is rather an
experiment to see if getting up straight the way no matter
how early prevents a headache from developing . I don't know
what to think about these headaches which I am told are due
to stress and anxiety. Yesterday was a really stressful day,
most days are, in fact without exaggeration all days are
stressful but events yesterday increased my levels of stress
and indeed anger. I cannot go into details as I want to get
these updates uploaded this morning before I obsess and
check them all over again.
The last year or so has been very difficult for me
concerning his website and updates have been more
problematic regarding checking and ruminating about the
content. I am really struggling here and the temptation to
give up is considerable but I know that doing so will leave
a void in my life and will mean that yet again OCD has won.
Since the age of 22 when OCD become full blown it has
gradually taken away my life, getting increasingly more and
more pervasive until now it presents in almost very facet of
my existence. So for now I struggle on.
June 7th
Yesterday's headache experiment of rising as soon as I woke
resulted in the presentation of a headache later in the
morning around 8.30 which continued for a couple of hours or
so. So perhaps rising as soon as I wake makes no difference,
if I do not wake with a headache I will get one later on.
Another headache presented mid afternoon and I was anxious
this was a migraine attack but after a couple of hours this
wore off. I should keep a diary of my headaches to ascertain
if there is pattern, although I do consider that sleep makes
them worse and yesterday was a rarity to wake headache free.
Yesterday I was just as anxious as usual and also I had
stomach ache for most of the day and it now appears my IBS
is taking a turn for the worse.
Today day I woke with a slight to moderate headache which
did appear to get a little worse for a time whilst writing
e-mail but right now as I write this I am headache free but
not anger free and social issues are beginning to really
distress me and I feel so overwhelmed by my inability to do
any thing about anything, which of course to a great degree
is the case for most of us with or without health or other
issues that incapacitates one's good intentions.
I really have the strong urge today to talk about a
segment we saw on the news last night concerning the
situation in Zimbabwe or Ethiopia - not sure which
country this particualry news item concerned as we came in
half way through but there are similar crises in both
countries - there where very distressing images of young children who are
so thin and emaciated it broke my heart and I could cry now
except I have to stifle my tears because sometimes crying
brings on a headache. However I cannot stifle my anger which
rages unabated. How can we allow such things to happen; all
the children we saw last night on the news clip could be
saved, they die for want of food and medication. One little
girl was so emaciated, her condition made more severe by
malaria, an easily treatable condition. Do we not have food
and medication in this country, in the rest of the EU, the
rest of the western world, that we can fly out now, right
now! Do we not have food we can airlift and drop to these
people in such desperate straits due to a poor harvest made
worse by human intervention of a detrimental nature for
instance in Zimbabwe when Mugabe's government banned the distribution of food
aid. For more information please click
BBC NEWS | World | Africa | Hunger fears after Mugabe aid
ban
Can you imagine the mentality of such a ban. I cannot
imagine such evil, how can this person and his government
sleep at night knowing that their actions will cause the
death of millions of people. And why the hell do we than
take notice of such a ban? For God's sake just airlift and
drop food and medication.
It appears to me that there is always some excuse not to
distribute food to the starving. Why are peoples starving in
the first place? Even in times of so called food shortages
there is surely enough to feed everyone. Did not someone
mention last week that the planet can sustain as many as
nine billion people. There is an abundance of food here in
the UK. Food, medication and shelter should not be
marketable products and should be distributed according to
need rather than greed, the greed of money grabbing
corporations. Here there is a glut of food, here in the
UK and other Western countries endless varieties of one
product line the shelves. For instance rice: basmati, short
grain, long grain, organic, pudding rice, ground rice,
risotto rice and so on and on and on. In our local supermarket there
are three
or four isles of different types so bread: white, brown,
even white and brown mixed in one package, organic, bread
with seeds, diet bread all of which come in a variety of
shapes and sizes: rolls, cobs, French bread, soda bread along with several different types of stuffing which
is itself not an essential food . When I was a child we had two
kinds of stuffing: sage and onion and thyme and parsley. Now
we get cranberry and apple , apricot and apple, cranberry
and
chestnuts to name just a few of an ever increasing variety.
Alcohol occupies two more isles amidst concerns about
binge drinking. Crisps occupy several isles with endless
varieties, again years ago
plain and cheese and onion was all the choice you had.
Fruit: Again another amazing variety of exotic and expensive food
items often grown out of season shipped thousands of miles.
Odd how we can do this but can't fly out even crucial food
to people dying from want of even a basic meal. All this
abundance and variety created not to nourish people but
solely to make money to feed the insatiable greed of the few
people whom it seems have control of the world's resources
while other people starve to death.
There should not be world food shortages? But when food is
grown simply for profit this is what happens. The only
people who loose out are those who do not have money to buy
the expensive food made more expensive by rumours of food
shortages and the only people who win are the greedy
corporations who grow essential life sustaining food for
profit or conversely don't grow food in order to increase
prices for profit. There is enough land to grow crops to
supply the world's population and without destroying the
rain forest or the Siberian forest a little published
habitant which is being deforested with a
significant effect on global warming. Crazy isn't it, there
are food shortages yet the supermarkets continue to make
huge profits. Seems to me they are doing less but gaining
more profit while using so called foods shortages as an
excuse to charge
more.
Perhaps if we had less, other people in other parts of the
world might have food to eat. It is time food was taken out
of he hands of the private sector and distributed to those who
need it. Like wise with medicine and health care. A slogan once on a church notice board said: Live
simply that others may simply live.
June 8th
Its 7am on Sunday morning the local council are out in the
street with a tractor cutting the grass! Can you believe it,
how bloody inconsiderate!!!!! These days there is no
peace anywhere, not even on Sunday, no regard or respect for
anyone one else. Surely at least one day of the week, and
Sunday is as good a day as any, this has nothing to do with
religion it is simply a traditional day when one expects
some peace and quiet, a day which only a couple of decades
ago few people worked at all let alone turn up at 7am and
begin a noisy job. I shall complain most strongly. Not that
it will do any good of course, I have complained before.
Many people here in our village including one of our
neighbours work long hours and this person did not get home
until after 3am as he is a taxi driver. I am so angry that
any feelings of calm, albeit calmer rather than calm,
because it is a peaceful warm sunny day have long since
gone.
I get so angry of late and find I have little good to say
about anyone. It seems these days that most people are
selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate and will have their own way
at any cost, make as much noise when and how often they
please. Work, work, work all the hours imaginable so they
can have the latest kitchen, bathroom, house or car, usually
those big ugly clumsy things in which they tear down the road at high speed risking
the lives of others in smaller vehicles, cyclists, bikers,
pedestrians and any unfortunate creature that gets in their
path - I have seen a motorist deliberately run down a
peasant, making no attempt to even slow down - and so on not to mention producing a big carbon
foot print despite all the persuasion by the government to
limit their impact on the environment. Perhaps they feel
safer in these enormous cars and feel less vulnerable and
they therefore take chances they would not otherwise take,
however this is often with total disregard for others. There
are few days now when we go out in the car without some
idiot overtaking in a dangerous place, speeding or talking
on mobile phones or other inconsiderate reckless behaviours.
And than having worked themselves to exhaustion to acquire
all these must have things - I mean what time did these men
get up to get over to our village and cut the grass? - they
than have no time to enjoy all the things they struggle to
work for. These workers this morning should be at home with
their families. Is it just too much to ask that just one day
out of seven we can rest up a little, have some peace and
quiet and time for people to live their lives. Yes I know
that the cost of living is high, prices are rising all the
time however the insatiable need to work so much for so long
is mostly I believe due to material greed which in reality
never brings any real happiness if you have no life to enjoy
the fruits of your labour or you make other people's lives a
misery as a result of your continual wanting everything. The
other day in Tessco I overheard a conversation between two
sales assistants filling shelves. One said she nearly turned
down the job becasue she did not want to work on Sundays.
And I do not blame her . Shops do not need to be open on
Sundays, most of them nowadays are open twenty four hours,
surely that is more than enough time for people to get their
shopping. When I was younger most supermarkets opened at
about 8am and closed about 5.30pm. Opened later on Friday
until 7pm and closed all day on Sunday. Many also closed for
a half day during the week and the shop I first worked
for when I left school closed also on Mondays all day. How nice, how
civilised, the rat race than was more of a stroll rather than the
mad frenzied rush and fast paced pressure nowadays every single day
of the week. Remember when banks closed at 3am so the staff
could do all the calculations, now they are open until 5.30
and than I imagine staff must than have to stay on until 7
or 8 pm. I have had phone calls from banks and other
businesses at 6.30 or even 7am. Now I will not talk to
anyone on the phone outside of business hours, or rather
what used to be business hours.
Sorry! I was not going to complain about social issues for a
while but quite honestly the way the world is nowadays there
is just so much to complain about and social injustice from
the minor, which I guess this is compared to events
elsewhere in the world most of which are caused by or
made worse by man's selfishness and greed, to the more
serious. However comparisons often do not help and the
sad waste of peoples lives, the exploitation of other
people, animals and the environment at any level in any
situation makes me personally
angry.
It is now 7.50 and still I can hear that dam tractor, I
can't imagine there is anyone left in the village who is not
awake. What happened to our Sunday lie in... Gone eroded away
like so many of our other rights to live ours lives the way
in which we want to live them.
June 9th
Soon silence will have passed into legend. Man has turned his
back on silence. Day after day he invents machines and devices
that increase noise and distract humanity from the essence of
life.
Jean Arp
The above quotation
was included in a daily e-mail service from Charity Focus called
Daily Good which delivers a link to an inspirational, positive
or important article concerning the
wellbeing of man, animals and the
environment. This one concerns the negative impact of noise on
the environment, not only to ourselves but to other creatures.
On the face of it this may not seem a positive article but it
does bring to the fore an important issue often overlooked
nowadays and that is the detrimental effect of noise. The
quality of life for us all is so effected by noise and some of
this noise could be reduced. Unless we are aware of these issues
nothing will ever change.
Noise is for me as you
know a big issue and unless I am in some very remote place I
have no peace whatsoever from noise and this is the case for
many of us nowadays. However for people such as myself it is a
particularly serious detriment as I have a hypersensitivity to
noise, often hearing noise that others do not hear.
I have seen sheep and
other farm animals in fields close to motorways where the din
from traffic is enormous and these unfortunate creatures who are
more sensitive to noise as all animals are have to live this
with appalling racket, trapped in these fields.
Many people can switch
off from the continual bombardment to noise and even begin not
to notice it. I am unfortunately unable to do so. So I guess
this article is of importance to me as my already difficult life
and my ability to cope is further diminished by the amount of
man made noise in our environment.
To read this article
please click the link below.
DailyGood: Man-Made Noise
I have mentioned Daily
good before, it is well worth signing up for most of this focus
is on good news or news which is of importance to improving life
for everyone and every creature.
The everyday
kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of
greed in the headlines.
Charles Kuralt
Another quotation from
Daily Good
Here is another inspirational Daily Good link concerning
everyday kindness. For a little positivity read the full article
DailyGood: A Turtle Who Taught Kindness
June 16th
As those of you who
regularly visit my blog know from time to time I have to take
time out having become completely overwhelmed by life's
circumstances accentuated naturally by OCD. As the above
quotation so aptly implies often an opportunity to focus ones
attention does indeed have a calming affect, freeing the mind
from its torment. The focus for me and any other person
with OCD I would imagine has to be intensive. Something that
does not occupy the mind intensively will have no effect and may
even be a detriment. For example the idea of informal
relaxation, sitting in the garden or on a beach would leave my
mind free to an onslaught of torment.
I find at times my
mind is over stimulated and I find it difficult to write as so
many thoughts pour into my mind as a result of even a small
stimulus, it is as though someone has opened a floodgate . For
instance if someone writes a few one or two sentence paragraphs
I will respond with large paragraphs of several sentences over
detailed and including information which is not required by the
other person or is really not of any necessity. This is a compulsion
but not in an OCD way, but it is nevertheless physically and
mentally exhausting, not to mention frustrating.
The same situation occurs here on my website.
ideas flow in unabated, a torrent of thoughts which give rise to
the compulsion to write huge amounts which is impossible because
of the difficulties I have forming these thoughts into
sentences, typing due to lack of co-ordination, spelling and
finally OCD ruminating and checking. So basically I am drained,
utterly spent, tired, depressed and need to avoid or at any rate
reduce this kind of stimulation for a while. I find absolute
abstinence from writing impossible, it is a compulsion and
addiction. I am sitting her now with a splitting headache and
know I should not be here writing as this will increase the pain
still further due to the enormous amount of tension writing
precipitates.
Therefore for three or
four weeks I will not be on-line everyday and therefore e-mail responses will be delayed.
In addition I also
need time to reorganised my website, this I hope will provide
the the
focus which will give some ease to my mind and act as a
distraction from a very difficult time in my life when I am
feeling more anxious than usual. It takes an inordinate amount
of time to create a website and I need to focus my attention on
this for a while. I will respond to e-mail but it will take
longer for me to do so over the next month or so.
I am reorganising my
website which will by uploaded in October when I have to renew
my domain subscription with a new name and a new format but right now I
am not sure what direction this will take. It will most
certainly
contain all the articles at present on this website and
hopefully some I am working on for a couple of years, my
memoir and everything in the gallery and my blog although I may
transfer this to a blog provider such as Word Press. But right now I simply do not know what to do and
need time to think things through as my thinking process seem
increasingly confused of late along with my ability to be
organised, which was never very good to begin with.
I will include the
occasional blog entry in order that my website does not slip
into oblivion as of late it appears few are visiting and still
fewer are e-mailing with comments.
Yes it might seem that
it is superfluous for me to write about not replying to e-mail
which I do not get and regulars who e-mail me I have informed of
my intention to delay replying for a while. But I have
compulsion to explain the situation otherwise if some one does write to me I
will obsess and feel the
compulsion to write back straight the way .
But please do write
and I will eventually get back to you. I am obsessing here now
so will leave it there.
