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With the support of my husband and son I wrote to the museum in question and asked them if they would consider providing some proper shelter for these sheep. I phrased the letter in such a way as to make this a suggestion rather than a complaint because in all respects these sheep were very well cared for except with regard to shelter, shelter they obviously sought as they struggled to find it underneath the cart. It took me several days of ruminating, debating with myself that I was not over reacting. The fact that both my son and husband backed me up helped me to make the final decision,but still I wonder this morning as I write here what they will think when they read the letter, will they think that I am too sensitive, it is in fact this anxiety that has motivated me to mention the matter here. But does it matter what they think, does it matter if I am a sensitive person, after all if everyone was concerned about sheep and other defenceless creatures wouldn’t the world be a better place. To treat other animals as a means to an end, to use and abuse them is in my opinion one step closer to using and abusing other people. Not that I am implying these sheep are used or abused in fact quite the contrary as I have already said these sheep are well cared for and their general well being is far better than many sheep in farms left roaming wild in the hills in our locality. Sheep suffer from arthritis, a miserable condition, a problem for sheep of which most people may not be aware and if it is possible to make these creatures more comfortable than why not. I do of course worry that my suggestion may be misconstrued as a similar suggestion about a more serious matter was some years ago now when I wrote to the forestry commission in charge of the Ashdown Forest in Sussex through which sheep roamed and which there had been a spate of attacks by dogs. The person who received the letter saw my comments and suggestions, such as dogs should be kept on leads in the forest where sheep roamed, as a attack on their system of management and I got rather an irate letter in response, yet a complaint was the furthest thing from my mind. And you know I still feel just awful about this even today some six or seven years on. But I do get quite passionate about animal welfare - all animals including humans I might add - and perhaps I worded my letter in a way which may have seemed like an attack.

I have compassion for all creatures regardless of species, intelligence, size or any other criteria upon which most base their decision whether or not it is permissible to neglect the welfare of other creatures or even cause determent to the wellbeing of such creatures. For instance few really care about insects or other small creatures, many people will think nothing of killing a rodent simply because we think it carries disease, yet all creatures carry disease including ourselves. It appears to me that it is all a matter of perspective and selfishness, we love our dogs and cats because they bring us comfort but we do not like spiders or rodents because we feel they are a detriment in some way.  Endangered species of insects in the Amazon are just as worthy of saving from extinction as much as any other larger creature such as a mammal. All have a place in the eco system.

Yes I feel a little awkward when I wrote the letter and I did so with some anxiety as I did with a recent letter to my MP about the slaughter of baby seals and a letter to the prime minister about the Japanese whale hunt. If I am too sensitive to the suffering of all creatures because of my OCD than so be it, if there is any good that has come about from my OCD than this is it. However I like to think that such sensitivity on my part arises from me, the real me that lies underneath all the garbage of OCD. Indeed sensitivity can make me sad, outright depressed and anxious and perhaps too aware of the enormous amount of suffering that exists in the world but it would not come amiss if there was little more sensitivity abroad in the world and the shocking events that take place daily would be less likely occurrences.

If you would like to voice your opinion or sign petitions about a number of  animal welfare issues please click the following links :

Save Whales From a Cruel End: Stop Whaling Now Petition

Don't Downlist the Florida Manatee Petition

Protect Seals

Mercy Corps - Relief and Development - International Humanitarian Aid

DEC Welcome to the Disasters Emergency Committee

June 3rd

Sometimes you wonder if life will be anything other than a nightmare. Yes I know that a good deal of the misery from which I suffer arises within my mind, nonetheless this fact does not negate my suffering or make me weak, pathetic or any other derogatory term one might think of. I can’t cope with life, it is not my fault, for goodness sake I have tried, over so many years I have tried. After so long of suffering with an anxiety disorder you get sensitised to so many things within your life, events and circumstances which others take in their stride, occurrences which to many seem trivial but which too you as a chronic anxiety sufferer become huge in proportion and your ability to handle any adversity however minor diminishes. And I guess that is the case right now. However having said that I do have quite a lot to contend with and perhaps I have accepted the level of suffering within my life that I now do not fully appreciate myself quite what a difficult life I lead. I feel now that every aspect of life is a monumental struggle either with my mind or my body and mostly it is both; the physical maladies become entwined with the mental afflictions as OCD weaves its web of tormenting obsessions and compulsions to add complication and compound the misery of any co existing physical aliment and indeed the aliments of others.

My son is ill right now he has an infection of the sinuses. It is not a rival matter, he has Aspergers syndrome and has general anxiety with some OCD tendencies so his ability to handle a difficult condition is lower than it would otherwise be. Anxiety concerning the need to take steroid medication and the prospects of the horrendous side effects daunts him and today he cannot use his medication. This brings to the fore one of the problems we face as a family and that is: there is not one of us who can provide a more normal rational perspective for the others. Having similar fears to my son about certain medications particularly this one which has side effects with the potential to effect ones vision it is difficult for me to encourage him to take it. This is a scary prospect for myself, over the years I have developed a fear of medications with even the mention of the word glaucoma in the list of contraindications even though at the time of writing I do not have glaucoma, touch wood. ( I am touching wood now, a common superstitious compulsion I know but one which for me is part of my OCD. There was a time when this obsession with touching wood was so severe that I would sleep with a wooden peg in my hand in case I should have a thought which would necessitate touching wood either before I went to sleep or upon awaking. I always carried around a wooden peg in my pocket for such occasions, and there were many such occasions when a thought like the one above would occur when I worried that I was tempting fate by my making a positive statement )

It is not easy to encourage my son or indeed anyone else to take medication I am too anxious to take myself, after all I worry about his welfare as much or more than my own. I do not like giving advice at the best of times upon any matter should a negative occurrence result. And when a whole list of particularly worrying possible consequences is spelled out in no uncertain terms it is practically impossible to do so unless the circumstances of his illnesses were life threateningly serious. And even than I do not feel as though I can cope with handing out such advice.

I am aware of course that many of these sides effects do not occur to everyone nonetheless the list is huge and frightening so I can’t advise him to take medication that I would be too sacred to take, the doctor says his condition will right itself in time but it is worrying.

In many ways it is getting now that we support one another in the validation of our anxieties rather than provide one another with a more rational perspective which was once the case. For instance the other day I bought some dried fruit, I had the notion that it could have been tampered with, poisoned. I will not go into details because I fear the consequences of doing so should others read this account; concerning this particular incident revealing the exact reasons brings to the fore another OCD obsession. I asked my son what he thought hoping he would give me a more rational perceptive as he once did however to my surprise he agreed with me! The notion was of course irrational although the possibilty of my fears being founded was in the realm of reality as of course my fruit could have been poisoned but the likelihood of this is remote and most people would not think such a thing believe me. I have noticed this happening now with my husband also, it is as if OCD has suddenly become contagious but of course it has not, it is just that all three of us now are experiencing OCD symptoms for various reasons; myself having the specific diagnosis of severe OCD, my son having aspergers syndrome with obsessive compulsive tendencies and my husband’s depression - depression often gives rise to obsessive compulsive behaviours.

June 4th

Last Friday I went to see a counsellor at my GP's surgery. This was a referral by my psychologist when I could not cope with CBT back in January because of the trauma of the loss of my brother-in-law and other circumstances already explained in a previous entry. He felt it might help me to simply talk with someone. I do regret having not taken up the opportunity to have CBT but neither the time nor the circumstances were right. Quite how these sessions will help I am not sure they may even add another dimension to my worrying and give me another concern and another obsession, one that I normally have little contact with not now having any real friends or many opportunities to talk to anyone other than my family. The obsession and compulsion in question is the tendency to analyse conversations and to ruminate upon the content: what I said, what the other person said and what he or she might have thought; the long term consequences of what I said or what the other person said or possibly thought; regrets wishing I had not said this or that; exaggerating even misunderstanding comments or not understanding comments. I worry: did I say something offensive; did the counsellor really understand my predicament, did I say enough or too much. I worry that I rambled on despite the inhibition of my social interactions concerning my inability to make normal conversation. Now I do need some help with my social anxiety which I believe may be due to one or even a mixture of the following: having at least significant traits of autism / aspergers syndrome, social phobia or avoidant personality disorder. But whenever I see someone like this I seem to be able to exude a more confident persona that is normally not present and the councillor really does not understand that normally I am not this way at all. She said in fact that I had indeed talked quite a bit . Yes in this instance, maybe it is easier sometimes to talk about certain things in certain situations with certain people.

The counsellor was very pleasant and she was easier to talk with than most, and she listened, this is not always the case. Moreover after having completed so much writing here about myself and having checked it all over and over so many times I now have a well rehearsed repertoire and conversations concerning my OCD have improved as a result but spontaneous conversation is as usual virtually an impossibly, I am lost for words nothing comes into my mind to say and I just remain looking stupid, tongue-tied. I can't think of a thing to say, any social interaction simply does not flow, I notice it, others do also. People feel uncomfortable with me, than my eye contact becomes increasingly worse and I become fidgety. I have great difficulty in following conversations particualry if they are complicated and more particualry when such conversations are about mundane stuff, about people I do not know and places of which I am not familiar and general rambling conversations. Sometimes it is as though my brain does not process conversations quickly enough; to use the analogy of a computer processor it is rather like I have a Pentium 2 processor while everyone else is processing at speeds of a Pentium 4 . I often respond to something way way after the conversation has moved on. Moreover I often talk about something quite out of the blue, it is usually out of context; I have been thinking and suddenly begin to talk as though the other person or persons know what I have been thinking. This of course is unintentional and now I am aware of it I now at least realise when I have done this. I know this is difficult to explain but this tendency to do this is awkward and makes me look odd and than of course the other person feels uncomfortable and awkward and than I am completely lost. Such problems concerning social interaction are probably the reason that I have no real friends and never have had except for a few occasions when I have simply just clicked, for want of a better word, with someone and I can count these people on one hand but for the rest of the time and in my dealings with others conversation and any form of  social contact is a nightmare of anxiety and unease.

I do not now answer the phone unless I really have to and I tend to shun social situations and avoid them whoever possible. I have noticed that if we frequent anywhere regularly such as for instance the local pub in the city and our favourite tea room in the Dales the staff or owner begins to recognise us as regulars and become more talkative and than instead of enjoying a break out it becomes a situation of anxiety. I find it difficult to recognise faces unless I have known someone for years and years or there are few people to recognise such as in the tea room, but in the pub there are changes of staff and sometimes I do not know who will recognise us as regulars and is likely to speak and this situation makes me feel awkward; I feel silly if I say hiya, (hiya is the usual greeting here in the northeast and which I am not yet quite used to or comfortable with using)  if this person is not a regular staff member who recognises us. And of course there is doubt; sometime I do recognise the person but doubts intrude that I am mistaken. This is probably as a result of my OCD exploiting the problem I have with face recognition in order to add further misery and anxiety to the mix. This of course is personifying OCD rather, but sometimes it does feel like that as though this dreadful illness has a mind of its own which is keenly alert to any situation which it may use to add an obsessive compulsive dimension to an already distressing problem. Even when it is someone I vaguely think I should be acknowledging I feel the whole process unnatural and my uneasiness becomes apparent and I than begin to want to avoid such situations. Than if doubt remains and I decide to void contact by for instance studying the menu when a person I am not sure if I should say hiya to passes by. I than feel awkward as I than ruminate that I have caused offence and appeared unfriendly, a snob even, someone who is up themselves, another common expression here. Yes I do mean ruminate; these thoughts are by no means fleeting, I will ruminate both at the time and for some time thereafter; now I am ruminating about an incident last week when I did just what I am describing to you now. I felt I recognised the person but was doubtful and did not know what to do. Moreover when we enter I do not know how to respond if there is anyone about, say for instance at the bar: should I say hiya, make some comment, just smile or say nothing at all. If I do say something, how long do I linger, do I say anything other than hiya, how long should I make eye contact for; often eye contact is a huge problem, it does not come naturally to me not even with my son or husband and this often makes conversations more difficult as concentrating upon eye contact, focusing about getting it right distracts from my efforts to think of something to say which mostly comes out stammered and inarticulate. It is more of a problem in casual conversations and situations mostly but this social ineptitude can present in most other situations at least initially unless I really hit it off and feel comfortable right from the start which was the case with the councillor .

It is quite a problem that to you may seem trivial but like any problem it can become huge according to your personal perspective. Social interaction difficulties are not a symptom of OCD as such, not all OCD sufferers have social anxiety difficulties, however like everything else in your life whether positive or negative co morbid conditions become entwined within OCD and OCD adds fuel to the fire as indeed social interaction problems add to and become fuel for obsessive-compulsive behaviours. It is for this reason amongst others that I feel it imperative to have separate co existing disorders recognised and correctly diagnosed. No one condition exists in isolation, all disorders or conditions both physical or psychological become enmeshed with our obsessive compulsive behaviours. Conversely OCD adds it own momentum to other anxiety or neurological disorders greatly effecting their prognosis and ones ability to cope with them, such is the case with my social anxiety and social ineptitude. Such is even the case with my CDH and migraine, yes even seeming physical conditions become entwined and hindered and effected by OCD behaviours. The whole person needs care, the whole spectrum of ill health needs to be taken into consideration as receiving treatment in just bits and pieces aimed at just one or two conditions while not recognising or ignoring the rest is never wholly effective, at least this is my personal experience.

There is always a conflict of anxiety if we become too well known and I than have to start making more complicated conversations and the situation becomes more anxiety provoking to the point I dread going.

However on the other hand I do not like changes, I am always anxious about entering a pub or tea room or whatever for the first time and indeed for many other times thereafter until I become familiar with the situation and my surroundings . The reason for this is two fold: walking into any social situation where every one looks at you and stares is difficult, even in the cinema when you enter before the film begins everyone looks in your direction. It is of course human nature but this can be disconcerting when you are anxious socially and you also lack self confidence and may even have a tendency to have body dismorphic disorder. There are any number of social situations which cause such anxiety, the genuine lump in the throat, the thumping heart, constricted stomach, and the sudden increase in the need to relieve ones bladder type of anxiety. In addition there is OCD anxiety: are the premises clean, is there a dog or other animal likely to be wandering about - yes most certainly you cannot assume that if you enter any establishment that serves food or drink that there will not be an out of control dog or other critter to scare you half to death. Last Monday during a trip to the hills in Cumbria we stopped at a pub. We went into the coffee room, I was anxious not having ever been inside this pub before and had asked my son to check it out to see if the music was not too loud as I had in addition to my usual sensitivity concerning noise a splitting headache. We went into the coffee room as no else was else was there, after a while quite unexpected a man who obviously works there and indeed may have even been the chef tears through with a dog stretching itself against the restraints of its lead in our direction. I could not hide either my panic or my irritation, he remarked that the dog did not bite. The dog should not be there regardless of whether or not it bits!!! So until I am familiar with a place I can never relax as one is often confronted with the unexpected. Again it a rather dammed if I do dammed if I do not situation where several conditions come into play often conflicting and increasing the anxiety provoking aspects of them all. Increasing now I feel that I have to accept that with all my problems I will never function normally and one threat or another will always present itself, combating one or avoiding one in turn aggravates another and I can't win and every action, both at home or out or even within my mind, is thwart by some OCD problem or a mixtures of OCD and all the co morbid conditions that make my life an ordeal, a constant battle with adversity, an diversity often not apparent to others and which others never really understand.

June 5th

There is a fly in my coffee can you believe it!!!! My son and I were trying to have a nice relaxing cup of coffee whilst sitting in the garden and I felt something was in my mouth. I thought it was a lump of coffee that had not dissolved. Fortunately I spat it out, at first when I examined it I thought it was a bit of leaf or something that had blown in but to my horror it was a fly and a biggish one at that. I feel sick inside just telling you. Despite the sound of chatting neighbours I screamed caring nothing that they would hear this panic. I ran to the kitchen sink emptied the coffee cup and dead fly into the sink rinsing my month over and over even contemplating using hot water can you believe... well if you have OCD you will believe that scolding out my mouth monetarily crossed my mind. I felt ill afterwards imagining where this fly had been as the anxiety was not merely the fact there was a dead fly in my mouth. All this happened of course with in seconds, my son having jumped out of his skin so quick and sudden was this panic, quite out of the blue. I of course thought of nothing but getting this fly our of my mouth and did not notice my son’s cutlery in the sink. My son likes his own special cutlery for OCD contamination reasons of his own and he also for hypersensitivity reasons does not like what he refers to as scratchy cutlery, so this his is special set and it was in the sink when the coffee with the dead fly in it was tipped in and I frantically kept rinsing out my mouth. No I did not have time to see his cutlery I was simply just too panicked stricken otherwise I would have removed this first being perhaps more mindful that my emptying in the coffee over his cutlery would set of an OCD panic for my son but these were exceptional circumstances... after all even a non OCD person would feel revolved by the thought of a fly having been in his or her mouth.

Now if ever I have had any doubt that my son has Aspergers syndrome such doubts have today evaporated for good. His reaction at being suddenly jolted out of his stupor was typical of someone who has Aspergers: his absorption into whatever he was reading or just thinking about was very intensive. When in the throes of such intensive thought or involvement often when he is spoken too there is no response, it is as though you and the world either does not exist for him or exists as an irritation interfering with whatsoever is going on in his mind or whatever he is concentrating on. Yes I too have similar tendencies but sometimes Kevin's distraction is very profound that at times you would think him deaf. This is a tendency of autism but today he was rudely awoken from this state so great was my panic, his initial response after quickly realising I was not having a heart attack or other life threatening event was very laid back. Although he himself has a mild form of OCD contamination anxieties the incident seemed to him of little consequence; he had no empathy whatsoever, not an inkling how abhorrent and revolting and indeed frightening it is for a sufferer of contamination OCD to have a fly in her mouth. At the best of times unless my obsessions are similar to his he really cannot empathise or indeed recognise the need too do so or at least pretend to do so. His obsessions are justified while mine are... "psychotic".

The moment he saw this cutlery lying in the sink with the corpse of the dead fly which somehow had resisted the flow of water and remained in the sink he freaked. I was accused of being inconsiderate and that is putting it mildly, but excuse me I was somewhat traumatised and panic stricken ...pardon me for not thinking that I would be upsetting someone else’s OCD tendencies:-) . However the way he goes about it is always in a kind of jovial way, he does not get seriously angry, we do end up shouting rather, but it is more like an irate debate trying to each justify our own individual OCD panic from our different perspectives. I cannot convey to you the good natured banter in this situation for indeed it is often very difficult for me also to really read into any situation. Was he really cross, was he really anxious... it is hard to tell particularly as he most always responds in this way so it is difficult to know precisely how he is really effected. We end up laughing but scold the crockery and cutlery. I have not yet used this cup again the thought of doing so causing nausea to arise.

June 6th

On the way out there she was again I tried walking as slow as possible but her car was parked right next to ours. Another social interaction dilemma: do I talk to her now, make a remark I could have made earlier if I had had the presence of mind to do so and my brain had been able to process the information and come up with a suitable response in the time that was expected or should I  make a comment about the weather or other such bland and expected remark . I made neither but she did smile as we drove away. I really find my difficulty with social interaction a bitter pill to swallow, no conversation flows they all have to be planned even a casual encounter such as this one fails abysmally if I am not prepared. No this is not my imagination, neither is it a trivial matter, it is a real problem it leaves me frustrated and lonely and increasingly more avoidant of exposure to situations where someone may speak to me. Moreover it is so anxiety provoking, the anxiety experienced during the second encounter was significant indeed.

June 7th

I know this all sounds negative however I think that today sufferers in general have more chance of making a recovery, maybe not a complete recovery but rather a significant alleviation of symptoms with an increased ability to learn to cope with the symptoms of their respective anxiety disorder whether it is OCD, panic disorder, agoraphobia or whatever. However for those of us who like me appear at least for now to have intractable symptoms but desperately wish to find some happiness one perhaps needs to live in the moment rather than attempt to lay the foundations of future long term happiness, which in my personal experience can be frustrating depressing and anxiety provoking if sought after with obsessive urgency as is the case for me right now. The search to find happiness is in fact producing huge amounts of misery and anxiety as whatever I attempt to do is thwart by obstacles or so it would seem. Right now I am just too ill to ever think that I will experience long term contentment, happiness or peace of mind, in fact such expectations may be unrealistic even for high functioning healthy individuals. Every being suffers according to Buddhist belief and if we think about this it is of course true, it is an inescapable part of life.

June 9th

Another trauma of checking has made the above entries difficult to publish yet again. I tried writing them and editing them daily as they were written checking them once and telling myself that when I was ready to publish I would simply just check them one final time. Well the best laid plans of mine and men....Sadly this attempt at preparing and publishing my blog in a more normal way did not succeed and during the last few days I have checked them over and over. Yesterday's checking session was particualry stressful and I become very tired and weary as a result of all the anxiety concerning these entries. Moreover the more I checked  them the more they where added to as new thoughts arose and this of course increased the time of further checking sessions. Yesterday was a glorious warm and sunny day and here I was in the early morning check, check, checking, in the late morning and early afternoon still more checking ; ruminating, obsessing, worrying and yes getting depressed. Today is another gloriously sunny day, a mist hangs heavy over the fields it is warm and it looks as though it will be another day to either go out or sit in the garden so I do not want to check anymore or get a headace doing so. I. have another appointment with the counsellor and this worry's me somewhat should I get a headache and need to cancel. So now I will attempt to publish. I have completed a final check this morning which has taken well over an hour and a half and I am still tormented  with doubts and I am weary. My mind is awash with so many ideas so many thoughts, things I want to write, the compulsion to keep writing is overwhelming and this in itself is exhausting as after leaving my computer my mind continues to think of ideas to mentally compose them which I often  forget when the time comes to write but I cannot keep writing or thinking sometimes I feel as though my head will explode. It feels as though there is a tight band round my head, it is 7am it is hot I cannot open the window because of the low frequency hum from the factory. It is time to publish  before I am compelled to write any more! or further doubts intrude.

I sometimes wonder if anyone sees this blog or indeed my website, I of course know that they do as several people have written to me but during times when I receive no mail I do wonder. I would not say that I worry but I do wonder and tend to ruminate that there may be a problem. Conversely I worry that indeed many people see it and just the thought of what I write at times induces a stress similar to that experienced when under the throes of an attack of acute existential terror, at least the thought is as powerful a stressor as that experienced in those moments when all of sudden an existential thought intrudes into your mind with that accompanying sick feeling of utter dread. A feeling difficult to describe or for you to comprehend if you do not suffer from this type of intrusive unwanted thinking.

Yes indeed it is by no means easy for me to bear my soul in this very public way and of course the openness of my writing is effected to some extent by this fear of exposure. Moreover certain inhibitions arise as a result of my anxiety should I make matters worse for fellow suffers by these accounts concerning my very negative life. The intention for writing this blog and indeed my website rises from an overwhelming desire or perhaps I should say obsessive drive to share my experiences in order for others to feel less alone, particularly those of you whose OCD seems intractable, chronic; often we can feel quite alone and sometimes we see ourselves as a failure when we are repeatedly told that OCD is highly treatable. Highly treatable...a rather misleading statement don't you think. Yes most certainly OCD is treatable, the prognoses is far better now than it once was when I was first diagnosed and with CBT and medication many people learn to cope and lead fuller lives than once was the case. But still there are some of us whose condition remains intractable for a number of reasons. My own personal reasons I will share with you another time. However the most common reason that OCD can become intractable is if treatment is not sought because of lack of information i.e. the person is either unaware that he or she has an illness and that that illness is OCD. The sufferer many be too embarrassed to seek treatment, feeling he or she is the only one and there is no one else like him or her. There may be other co morbid or dual condtions which need considering but which remain undiagnosed. The sufferer is unable to take medication for whatever reason and CBT and other therapy are unavailable. There may of course be any number of reasons the above however may be the most obvious.

It is for these reasons that I write this blog and all the other writings on my website. I do so to help those of you who are chronic sufferers for whom treatment is either unavailable or ineffective in order that you do not feel that you are alone because for you treatment has not helped. And I share my experiences for those of you who feel so alone with severe OCD and unable to seek treatment for fear of embarrassment thinking that you’ re the only one. Also I write that professionals and carers may gain more insight into what it is like to suffer with OCD and other maladies which often accompany the primary condition- it is my experience with both myself and talking to others that a good percentage of OCDers have a number of co morbid conditions or duel diagnoses. I also write for those of you who have improved and are living a relatively normal life although this is the area of which I am anxious as I do not wish my negative life to adversely effect those of you who have made progress. Therefore I tend in this and certain other areas to feel some inhibition in bearing my soul, a feeling of restraint for fear of causing harm.

Furthermore inhibitions arise simply because there are OCD problems which in themselves make it difficult for me to write about certain issues and these issue may not necessarily be concerned with OCD as my blog of course is a journal in which from time to time I may write my thoughts concerning other matters which may or may not appear to have anything to do with OCD or other disorders or conditions. At least as far as I am aware for you see now my OCD is so entrenched that it is not always easy to separate what thoughts, ideas or actions arise from OCD and the OCD personality or from my real self hid underneath the garbage of so many obsessive-compulsive behaviours.

June 11th

Thump thump thump boom boom the ear-splitting sound coming from an open top car as it enters our street is horrendous. The sound is sickening I feel overwhelmed completely by this dreadful noise. Although the sound is turned off as soon as the car arrives at its destination in a cul-de-sac further long the street, it was nonetheless a shock to my system. I mentally note that I am pleased we do not live there as often I have wished we did as it is further from the factory. This is the second car to arrive heralded by this racket this afternoon. I can understand to some extent why young people play their music loud in their cars as perhaps they feel that it disturbs no one at least not in the long term and they can really let rip . But I cannot imagine why anyone would want to listen to music quite this loud and risk damaging their hearing. No this is not my being hypersensitive. Yes I am of course hypersensitive but this music transcends any tolerance level; I have never heard anything quite like it except perhaps at the Nottinghill carnival - I stayed there all of about five minutes the music so loud my chest vibrated. Surely it is a danger to other road users and of course to the person concerned to have music blaring so loud that the driver can hear nothing. Loud music can have the effect of making one feel unreal removed from ones surroundings, which is surely a hazard when driving. Moreover the loud music surely drowns out the sounds of horns. It disturbs the peace, yes even for a short few moments while these thoughtless people are driving through, the sound of thumping can be sickening.

On a personal level however such sounds remind me of just how awful it could be if that occurred right next door or even in the same street. Yes this is of course catastrophising, but it can and does happen does it not and the council responsible for noise nuisance are painfully slow in rectifying such matters, often as much as three months before any action is taken., that is if any action is taken at all. When the factory in the village installed their wood burner the noise was worse much worse than it is now, it could be heard over the entire village and no one could sit in their gardens, it was far in access of the present low frequency hum which drives me crazy. But it took a petition to get it stopped and than it was only stopped for eight hours during the night, the noise apparently continued throughout the rest of the day from 6 am. Noise is for me a great fear and as soon as I hear music like this that anxiety overwhelms me with thoughts of just how awful it would be to be subjected to that level of noise. Noise is a real problem for me my heart thumps now just writing to you here and telling you how this effects me.

June 12th

The thunderstorm is awesome as vivid blots of lightening strike at land and the sea in rapid succession, the dark foreboding clouds adding a truly dramatic aspect as we stand on the cliffs at Whitby in Yorkshire. Crazy person that I am I truly love a spectacular thunderstorm and there is none as spectacular as one out to sea, a real treat. The thunder crashes, an enormous sound which at one time induces me to cover my ears which is a normal reaction for me if any sound is unbearably loud, nonetheless this one almighty crash seems not to spoil my enjoyment, it is altogether different than the man made sounds which torment my life. You would think a person who has so many mental health problems would have thunderstorm phobia wouldn’t you. Well one can not fear everything if this where the case one would not be able to exist, it may appear from what I write that I fear everything; thunderstorms however bring excitement, amazement; the awesome power, the spectacular effects are exhilarating. It was a dramatic climax to a very stressful day as the thunder and lightening loosed the oppressive grip of a very hot and humid summers‘ afternoon, it also helped to alleviate the grip of mounting tension and pervasive depression which had dogged me all day. However as is often the case such enjoyment is spoiled by my anxiety over what appears to be so many unleashed and boisterous dogs - such exuberance a result of the impending thunderstorm, animals being sensitive to such occurrences - which where everywhere. We sat on a bench to watch the storms’ dramatic progress but my attention remained keen for the approach of a dog. I felt rather like those desert dwelling rodents - sorry I am not sure what they ‘re called - who sit on their hind legs, body erect, necks stretched, head constantly moving , alert for the approach of danger.

I had not been keen to go, the weather recently has been unbearably hot. I find this overwhelming, it accentuates my anxiety, my headaches and my hypersensitivity. I find the drive to Whitby although only about an hour and a half rather unnerving as having to go through Middlesbrough a depressing industrial city rather reminiscent of a Lowry painting can be confusing and nerve racking with speeding traffic and the potential for my husband to get lost. He hates driving through unfamiliar and larger cities. We arrive about 10am and it was than quite hot, unbearably so. My aches and pains where quite pronounced today, some days it is like that for reasons I do not understand. My whole body just ached and a headache niggled in the background.

A long walk from the cliff top to the town, unleashed dogs, flies, dog mess ,too many people, blaring music in shops and cafes overwhelms me; noise from so many sources which after awhile coalesced to a cacophony of racket made more unbearable by the increased heat was misery indeed. Furthermore the constant need to use the toilet due to a sudden return of more pronounced IBS and the general hustle and bustle was unbearable, this was not peaceful trip out for relaxation.

My son’s idea of a good day out is to roam round shops looking at things he wished he had but cannot afford, obsessing about his diet looking for things to eat within his strict criteria and making comments about how autistic I am. Yes if my son’s comments are anything to go by I need no further confirmation:-) My son considers both my husband and I to be on the autistic spectrum ... well this remains to be seen most certainly my reactions to what appears to me to be increased sensory overload are anything to go by... well ... maybe. If indeed he is correct and my own considerations are correct also this may answer so many questions as to why my OCD is intractable and why I just can’t cope with anything. I walked around in a daze of inner misery caused by external circumcises which seemingly do not effect others in quite the same way. None seems perturbed by the mayhem of confusion. It is amazing the noise from such a relatively small seaside town, it is a far cry from the Whitby of yesteryear the Whitby that Bran stoker the author of Dracula would have been familiar with. Yes it is here in the town of Whitby that Bram Stoker wrote this famous book two thirds of which is set in this once peaceful town. It is odd is it not how people have become used to noise, I guess for many they have know no different. I imagined what it must be like if someone from the past where suddenly to find themselves in the midst of a modern busy town. Other people have adapted to the racket and bustle of everyday life yet I have not and doubt I ever will .

Birds squawk flying overhead, bird mess everywhere, I am anxious should a overhead undesirable plop of bird mess land on my head. A child brushes by he is wet I feel contaminated, anxious; I know it is most likely be water but there is doubt that it is something more sinister, something toxic harmful. The cafe is full of people chatting both my husband and son want a meal; I want to rush out get way from all the confusion the heat and the fear of food poisoning should I eat here. It is in any case not easy now I am a gluten free vegan but we find a choice of coleslaw and jacket potatoes. Yes to a small degree after the initial panic it was enjoyable as for some reason the cafe became less crowded and my anxieties became less so; after checking that the food was indeed piping hot I ate it in a relatively relaxed manner. In recent weeks a gluten free diet has seemed to bring about a considerable improvement in my IBS and also my irritable bladder has improved somewhat as often the two conditions are related, however today after finishing this meal my IBS seemed to once again bother me and endless trips to the toilet thwart with numerous worrying and exhausting OCD decontaminating rituals such a lining the seat with toilet paper, using tissue to touch the door handles, the latch ,and toilet flush and than finding no soap is stressfully wearying, frustrating and anger inducing. Toilets which could not be used no matter what rituals were carried out has me on the verge of hysteria. The new gizmos that have now replaced ordinary blots cause enormous anxiety fears of getting locked in as the stupid and pointless device malfunctions which was the case a couple of years ago - why waste time energy and resources developing and manufacturing new latches where old fashion bolts are perfectly adequate, such stupidity drives me to distraction. Life in all its aspects seems an impossibility for me to cope with, a mine field of insurmountable obstacles.

We find a beach that is dog free: “No Dogs Allowed on this part of the Beach” so says the small sign but who takes any notice of rules, rules made out of consideration for people who do not appreciate mounds of dog mess amongst the sand that their children will play in. It was just a small section of the beach after all dog owners have huge stretches of good sandy beach at their disposal yet in the distance I see a couple with a dog. At one time I would have given them a piece of my mind in no uncertain terms but I was hot stressed and besides.... well, wants the point people like that never change and in any case to give them the benefit of the doubt the sign was rather inconspicuous. A lump rises to my throat as I step on the sand littered in parts by bits of paper, cigarette ends , plastic cups, tin cans and gravel from the street I feel anxious as sand seeps between my toes through my sandals. We stay on the beach for only a few minutes I am anxious fearful on the alert like a nervous animal hackles raised, tense, anticipatory. Fear or not I do manage to paddle in the sea, the warm day and blue sea looks so inviting I reason to myself that it is only my feet I can have a shower as soon as I arrive home. It was deliciously soothing despite my fear, memories flood back of a time long gone when such considerations as contamination where an alien notion impossible to even have envisioned.

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June 18th

The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."
FDR - First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1933
 

He who fears he will suffer, already suffers from his fear.
Michel de Montaigne  

Notwithstanding this interference by OCD in every endeavour the end result may still be positive when you have completed your painting, written your essay, completed your computer course; what ever the distraction or the motivation the end  product helps you  to mitigate feelings of depression which arises whenever OCD ruins another part of your life. Sometimes you have to struggle on and if for the present time you cannot ignore your OCD you can try to at least work round it so it does not have all its own way and ruin everything you try to do. For instance when I paint all the hand washing and worrying about materials and so on, all the obsessions and perfectionist tendencies means that it  takes a long time and spoils your enjoyment, but if you stop because of this you would never do anything. It takes an enormous amount of time to write anything on my website and I agonise over everything I have written and as with painting because of these obsessions and compassions it takes longer, it is a frustrating and anxiety inducing exhausting endeavour but I have to work through and round these compulsions until such a time as I can learn to ignore them. If I stopped doing these things altogether and sit here doing nothing well than I would go crazy as my mind would be left wide open to the incursion of awful intrusive thoughts . At least with my website and painting something is achieved at the end albeit achieved with much anxiety, fear, frustration and anger. And of course depression if whatever I am doing does not go the way I want it too.   

Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are.
Don Miguel Ruiz:

It's the summer solstice here in the northern hemisphere or is it? Here in the UK you might believe if it were not for the trees being in full leaf that it was the winter solstice! It is bitterly cold as we stand in the ancient stone circle in the lake district called Castlerigg . I know I have been complaining about the heat but why does everything have to be in the extreme; from hot and humid to bitterly cold. It is the coldest day I can recall for the first day of summer. Many people call this mid summers day but in actual fact it is the first day of summer according to the Celtic calendar; it is the mid-cycle though, the time when things begin to decline, growing rate slows down and the days begin to get shorter. I must admit that it is not a positive time for me as I feel now that we are over the hill and on the way to autumn and winter although of course it is now summer but it’s just that gradually, although imperceptibly the days will get shorter. I will notice this more than most people as now I wake most mornings at about 3.30 when during these long summer days it is getting light at this time here in the Northeast. Most people who will wake at six or seven will not notice the nights drawing in quite so quickly as will I. But that is the way of life is it not, the cycles of the earth , the coming and going of the seasons, there is nothing we can do about it and were my life less troubled I would probably set less store in what the time of the years was.

It is not just the onset of winter but it’s that thought of the passing of time; how quickly its passage seems now as I grow older and the feelings of urgency to find some peace, some resolution to my troubled life arise as such thoughts present themselves. It is rather an existential anxiety as I feel as though time for me is running out which of course it is, but thoughts come to me of my wasted life and how seemingly, despite all my preoccupation and fears about death right from childhood, now all of a sudden is the realisation that I am getting older and there is now more time behind me than before me. My councillor tells me that all people as they grow older consider such issues. Yes of course this is true but for me the preoccupation with death, the meaning of existence and fears of an existential nature mostly consisting of anxiety about existence and conversely non-existence have been part of my preoccupations, contemplations, ruminations and obsessive compulsive behaviours since I can remember. Except now these thoughts seem more prevalent, more insistent and it is increasingly difficult to dismiss them. My thoughts now are more realistic rather than the result of more delusional  OCD type of thinking as of course as I am getting older death is more likely, at least it is a more normal thing to worry about than it was perhaps in childhood or early adulthood. I look at other older people and wonder if they have to endure such gloomy and morbid preoccupations. I would imagine that this occurs occasionally but not with the persistence and frequency that it does for me and others like me.

I stand here in the biting bitterly cold wind in this ancient enigmatic place thinking of times long past hoping for something, some peace, some resolution but know I will find nothing of the sort as OCD overwhelms me with my fears and anxieties; I can barely focus on the magnificent scenery; anxious; nervous anticipatory for the approach of a dog or other OCD problem, fearful of getting a migraine as the wind makes my headache. Stressed about needing to find a toilet, anxieties over my IBS and irritable bladder in themselves make me feel as though I need to use the toilet when in fact this is not the case. A jet plane roars overhead I cover my ears overwhelmed by the din of which others seem oblivious. I find no peace or relaxation, nothing but anxiety. I feel agitated unable to keep still and wander round the stones and over the field. I recognise of course that I am like this and stop to stand trying to make a determined effort just to be still and admire the scenery, but although I stand physically immobile my insides are churning, my mind is racing and the effort to try and relax is itself anxiety inducing

I wanted to get here early and greet the dawn but neither my husband nor son could cope with rising at 2.am to travel the distance to this place. Why do we come here. Here I can only speak for myself but I guess it is that soul searching, the need to find some meaning to life perhaps from beliefs of ancient times, any beliefs, my soul craves for the need to know the meaning of existence or if indeed there is meaning to existence. It is difficult to explain I am interested in ancient beliefs, in fact all beliefs draw me. I find stone circles fascinating I guess it may have something to do with the innate need for ritual. Often I wonder if this need is not the power behind the OCD. OCD compulsions are referred to as rituals are they not and indeed some of my more superstitious rituals are indeed rituals in the real sense of the word. Perhaps a normal use of rituals as in positive practices would create perhaps a more constructive outlet for this innate need and cancel out the OCD. I wish..... yes such is of course wishful thinking. I have read lately of the Celtic beliefs of paganism, attempts by others to find meaning to our existence. But this search and the desire to find meaning is insatiable and I have never really wholeheartedly accepted any belief system always doubting but nevertheless never wholly dismissing, it is very difficult for me to explain to you.

My husband and son and indeed myself on some level come here for the atmosphere of the place, the fascination with history and the magnificent scenery of this region of the UK. We hear drums beating, a new age hippy group huddle down near their van beating drums this adds a bit of magic to the place, noise which for me is normally a problem in fact appears less so in this case, maybe it is more natural in a way that is absent from the nose of engines or machines. Flowers and leaves have been left here on one of the stones, remnants of ritual perhaps. I really do envy those who can make religious choices, those who can find peace and who have a free mind to accept such beliefs without the inhibitions of a mind besieged by OCD with all it‘s doubts, all its analysis. For those of you who have read my memoir know OCD will not only destroyed whatever religious beliefs you may have it actually prevents you from ever really entirely embracing any belief or even embracing no belief for you forever remain on the fence of indecision. At least that is my experience and I can of course only speak from my own experience as everyone is different even OCDers are different from one another.

Below is a photograph for you to use as desk top wall paper or whatever. I would like to include more as we took some really good photographs this time but my allocated space on my website host will run out if I include too many. I really need to take some time out to delete a lot of files from the host server to free up a bit of space, my husband would liked to include some more photographs for desk top wall paper. We like to publish photographs for free without water marks all over them, there seem so few photographs available now.

Our photos on this website only are copyright but they are for free distribution, for personal, charitable or non profit use. For other uses please e-mail me.  Photographs may be altered if so desired. 

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 Photograph by Kevin Marriott :  Fine Art

For the first time in the history of the world, every human being is now subjected to contact with dangerous chemicals, from the moment of conception until death. 
Rachel Carson, Silent Spring, 1962
 

The insufferable arrogance of human beings to think that Nature was made solely for their benefit, as if it was conceivable that the sun had been set afire merely to ripen men's apples and head their cabbages.
Savinien de Cyrano de Bergerac, États et empires de la lune, 1656
 

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
George Carlin
 For more interesting and inspiring quotations visit:

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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