The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

July 2009

Links to recommended blogs:

Gristmill: The environmental news blog |

This blog is part of Grist Magazine's website, a magazine dedicated to environmental issues.

Positive Attitude Quotes, Free Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular Motivativational sayings.

A good selection of interesting quotations

July 4th

Well it seems as though I simply cannot get back into the routine of writing in my blog. Why I cannot be sure as I am progressing, albeit with great difficulty, to add more material to my sheep website. Writing has and continues to be enormously difficult due to OCD obsessions and compulsions due mostly to anxiety about what I write and any possible negative results arising as a consequence and also the need to check my writing over and over. Those who regularly visit here will know that I have also in addition to OCD some kind of attention deficit. I have no official diagnosis but it appears to me that I have ADD. Therefore I make mistakes and moreover more often than not these mistakes are not spotted even after exhaustive checking. Looking back over what I wrote about my holiday in 2006 I was shocked to see so many mistakes and after hours of checking. My brain it seems simply does not see these mistakes despite all the checking . This naturally has a disastrous effect on my anxiety about such matters with the consequence that more and more checking ensues. So basically its a nightmare. To add to which the aches and pains in my neck and shoulders sap my enthusiasm to say the least.

Furthermore I really feel as though I am loosing the plot loosing my mind on the brink of some kind of breakdown. I am under a lot of pressure right now it would be just too tiring to recount it all and perhaps to the normal person, if indeed there is such a thing as a normal person, some of my anxieties would seem trivial. But with OCD nothing is trivial, mole hills become mountains, mine are like the Himalayas . Life right now is a constant misery my depression is just awful, I am anxious, stressed, irritable angry. I have nothing good to say about anyone or any situation. I feel as I grow older few care what happens to me. But having said that it appears that no one cares about anyone. Here we are my husband son and I all of us suffering the horrors of mental torment left to flounder alone. My son’s quality of life is ebbing away and he increasingly becomes less and less functional. He wants a life as do we all, a real life not one lived on the periphery of existence. He is lonely with no real friends, he has given up trying to find any. Its not easy with AS to meet people and the less one associates the more difficult it becomes to make friends and have a life. Anxieties stress and depression destroy your life and this is what has happened to me and is happening to my son. His life, and mine come to that, could have been and still could be much better with proper psychological care. On going therapy and continuing support. A short course of CBT is really not going to make a lot of difference for a severe sufferer of OCD. My condition is so wide spread, so enmeshed it is now difficult even for me to explain quite what it is like for me. All the different obsessions and compulsions have coalesced into a complex web of misery.

My son is a very talented artist and has great potential. Yes I know I am his mother and might be considered as biased you might be thinking, but this is simply not the case at all . He is talented but stress and anxiety and the energy sapping apathy of depression is taking away his ability, lack of encouragement impedes his progress. People with depression and anxiety disorders need encouragement but sadly such is so lacking, everyone it seems so preoccupied with their own lives .

July 7th

Today I woke depressed yes I always do but some days this feeling is more keen than others. My throat is dry and I ache all over, again nothing new there. This morning I felt so sad though such a sense of loss over the death of Michael Jackson whose public memorial we watched on TV last night. Why? I did not know this person nor did he perform my type of music and perhaps I like everyone else got caught up in a kind of collective conscious type of grief. But the death of anyone often gives me a twinge of sadness to varying degrees even the death of a person who has... how can I say it, led their lives in ways that have hurt others. But Michael Jackson was most certainly not in this category, he was a good person, a sensitive person. He had his eccentricities as do I and just maybe he had BDD although he denied this, clearly he had anxieties but like so many people with such medical conditions he was a gifted person. Moreover and to my mind most importantly he helped to bridge the gap between people of different races, people loved him the world over, black and white, French and Japanese, old and young.

Yes thousands of other people died on the same day including 18000 children (one child every five seconds) who died of starvation as they do each and every single day, and most certainly amongst those precious lives are people who would have contributed to the betterment of the world, and moreover everyone's life is precious as great or small we all have something to offer, something we bring into the world that is of benefit not only to ourselves but also to all creatures with whom we share this planet. The sad thing is that many never fulfil their potential, there may be many equally talented people as Michael, there may even be someone who will discover a cure for cancer but will be lost for ever to the world, who will never have had the chance to live a full life and fulfil their potential. Nonetheless notwithstanding such considerations the life of Michael Jackson brought about a great step forward in bringing unity in the world amongst different kinds of people even if only in the sphere of entertainment. Michael not only broke down racial barriers but prejudices against those who are different. Although sadly many derided his eccentrics those who appreciated his talent appreciated him for who he was, a kind gentle person with a special gift that bought a little joy in life for many.

My thoughts are with his family, a sad loss. My sister was the same age as Michael when she died, this year it will be six years since her death.

July 25th

Still I feel as though I cannot do much of anything by way of writing in my bog or adding much to my website and to be honest I have lost the motivation. I do hope things will change, but right now I simply feel too depressed. Yes I am working on my new website  Think Differently About Sheep but that is different, easier, although even with my new website I am having difficulty with not only motivation but of course checking and other obsessive anxieties which makes everything a protracted effort which increases depression and feelings of futility as everything these days seems one long struggle.

I imagine that fewer people visit here, after all if there is nothing new on my website people will not visit. With the exception of a few regular people I have contact with, no one has written to make any kind of enquiry or comment for months. Mind you neither do I add comments to the websites of others as it is simply just too stressful due to all the OCD checking and rumination worrying about what I write, it is not easy for me to write e-mail or indeed anything that others will read. Moreover I have had to tell the occasional person writing for advice that I am simply now to depressed to offer any, not that I ever felt qualified to do so as of course as a sufferer of what appears to be intractable OCD I cannot do anything to help myself. I do feel guilty about this as I know how desperate people get but really I feel right now that I have little of anything positive to offer anyone and fear doing more harm than good. The problem is though that having so little contact gives me the impression that no one visits and adds of course to the feeling that it is all rather pointless and this a long with a pervasive depression has sapped my motivation. Hopefully things will change but as I grow older my depression seems more pervasive, more persistent and any endeavour seems now pointless. My son also seems to be falling further into despondency. Try as I might to get him to try and socialise he simply feels he cannot cope with doing so. He, as those of you who have visited my website will know, has  Asperser syndrome and rather like myself socialising is very difficult and he and I have got progressively worse concerning this aspect of our lives. Art work is another activity that has been hindered by depression and lack of motivation which actually effects your creativity to some degree if it goes on for so long getting increasing worse . Yes I still get creative ideas, my mind flooded with them but depression, anxiety and stress makes it difficult to do anything positive with these ideas. I am of course more concerned about my son who is young , its difficult for any parents to watch as their son or daughter's life goes down the drain. I just know he could have a much better life if only he had encouragement and support. He is very talented as a visual artist, his drawing skills are exceptional, all he needs is encouragement and motivation. Yes no matter how old your offspring are they rarely heed any advice from parents . Getting any outside encouragement is impossible.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and I know that, but in this very uncaring world if you do not feel sorry for yourself who else will. Don't you find these days that few people show any concern, any interest for others and all you get is cold indifference.  Well that is enough of my complaining or bleating as my son calls it :-) I have been considering writing  down what I feel from day today concerning my thoughts but it would be too depressing perhaps, but it is time that we all wrote about what it is like to have these conditions and people will read if they wish to. After all I do warn people that some of what I write in this bog is depressing so the choice is theirs. Anyway I will give it some thought but the problems is when you are so depressed it is not easy to write about your thoughts and feelings, at least that it how it is effecting me right now although in times past I have been able to write about how I feel and have gained some relief as a result.

July 26th

Luis has sent me two more photographs of his sculpture of the bust of Pier Paolo Pasolini which you may view here:
Luis Sculpture

Luis, as I have mentioned before is a suffer of OCD and struggles daily with this condition. Please take the time to check out these two excellent photos of a really great sculpture which clearly demonstrates the talent Luis has for this type of art work. I think that most of us in some way or another have some talent whether it be visual or performing arts, writing, crafts, gardening and indeed any creative pass-time.

Please take the time to click the link above link

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All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.