The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

July 2005

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Gristmill: The environmental news blog |

This blog is part of Grist Magazine's website, a magazine dedicated to environmental issues.

Positive Attitude Quotes, Free Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular Motivativational sayings.

A good selection of interesting quotations

The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.

Shana Alexander

Well it is the 1st day of July. This year seems to be flying by like lightening it seems that I have so little time to do anything and I feel rather overwhelmed by the increasing demands upon my time. Time that I cannot give due to the extent of my illnesses yet because of my OCD over responsibility I find difficult to decline and simply say no I am not well enough, not only to others but also to myself driven as I am by my over sensitive conscience ridden mind to do more than I am able. I feel that really few people understand. Moreover I heap pressure upon myself setting targets which are unobtainable particularly concerning this website and various other projects upon the computer. I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never be like other people, everything takes me a long time because of my OCD and other problems. I should not compare myself to others this is a common mistake we all make nowadays whether we are ill or not.

Also I need to be more aware of the fact that I am addicted to the computer. Yes it may seem a little odd for someone of my age, most of my contemporaries with whom I associate are not in the least interested in Computers. Not that such an addiction is in itself necessarily a bad thing, and perhaps I should say that I have keen interest rather than an addiction, but if I were to be frank it goes further than that. If I am honest with myself I would need to recognise that I do obsessively occupy myself on the computer. Some of the signs that my interest goes further than one should expect and is reaching additive levels are quite evident.. The least interruption by others and the necessities of doing other things such as cooking, shopping and so on produce enormous irritation and significant feelings of frustration even to the point of anger. When I hear the door open downstairs indicating someone may come into into our hobbies room and interrupt me makes me jumpy and on edge. even if no one actually interrupts the prospects of them doing so annoys me.. The fact that I tend to ignore my art work and other pastimes is further indication concerning possible over-the-top obsessive preoccupation with the computer and related activates.

However in defence of this increasing addition it certainly mitigates my OCD ruminative thoughts particularly morbid reveries, it also helps to lighten my depression. Yes it also causes extreme stress, but a different kind of stress, and well if I were to be entirely honest it can add a depression all of it's own if things go wrong. And yes naturally my obsessive compulsive behaviours become involved with the computer particularly checking of written work such as e-mail, this blog and my website. Notwithstanding all these problems it has saved me from really losing my mind lately. Without this detraction I doubt I would have coped with all the traumatic events that have occurred in my life in recent years.


July 2nd

Well today I am so sick and tired of my OCD. Sometimes I somehow live with it, it has become so much part of me that often I do not analyse why I behave the way that I do or why I think the things that I think and oftentimes I am just carried away with my OCD dominated life much the way other people are with the routine monotony of their respective existences whether happy or unhappy. But occasionally realisation dawns just how awful and how ridiculous it all is. Notwithstanding this realisation I nonetheless capitulate and give in to the OCD tormenter which prevents me from living a normal life, even a simple normal life. Yesterday all I wanted was one lousy bottle of shandy no big deal it costs all of 96 pence! After what I have spent recently on a new computer it is but a drop in the ocean but this has nothing to do with money nor the lack thereof. No it has to do with the OCD monster who does not seem to want you to have any happiness, no not even passing fleeting pleasure such as one bottle of sandy and it will it thwart you in any way it can and sometimes it does so over so very little that one desires in life. I really felt like a sandy. I cannot drink much alcohol due to my headaches but I do enjoy this little alcoholic indulgence, it fills in the gap of yet another pleasure I am denied because of my illnesses. Nonetheless to day this was not going to happen. Before I could purchase it I had a very complex but powerful intrusive thought the context of which I am just too frightened here to explain to you in any real detail fearing some dire consequence if I do so. This thought involving death and disaster prevented me from purchasing one lousy battle of Sandy. This thought or similar ( and I have many such thoughts whenever I wish to buy something although they are mostly different from one another they all concern the treat of death and disaster unless I capitulate) did not crop up when I bought my new computer although terrible guilty feelings and anxiety provoking thoughts did. OCD is really so perverse and unpredictable it will select some of the oddest times to thwart even the most superficial of endeavours and pleasures to present some of the most crippling of thoughts. I had had a busy day confronting some serious contamination problems, in fact I was standing there in the supermarket isle, my hair dripping wet after recently showering due to contamination issues. Just than when all I wanted was a relaxing drink of sandy I was prevented from this simply pleasure yet again by my OCD. Yes I felt really quite depressed. Not just because I could not have my sandy but because of that realisation that OCD will always ruin my life right up until the time I draw my last breath and you know I will most likely than have the realisation just how ridiculous it all has been and how I have wasted my life and I will leave this life with bitter regret. Yet I am at this juncture in my life unable to stand against it’s onslaught.


July 3rd.
The purpose of our lives is to be happy.
The 14th Dalai Lama

I am not asking for much out of life, not really, all I want is just a normal day to day existence, the ability to enjoy simple pleasures that others take so for granted. Even things one may not necessarily think of as providing enjoyment or satisfaction such as the pleasure one can get after one has cleaned and tidied the house enjoying that feeling of satisfaction when it is all nice and clean and tidy and aesthetically pleasing - not in an OCD way which is never ever quite the same. For instance there are areas in my home which cannot be properly cleaned because of fears of spreading contamination to clean areas and so on. I will never have this satisfaction because OCD turns cleaning and making your home nice into a nightmare of an unmitigated hell of misery when your home is decontaminated rather than merely cleaned or when your home is a mass of seething clutter because you are increasingly becoming less able to throw anything away. I would love to experience the satisfaction that others feel whenever they clean and care for their homes making it a place to feel safe and comfortable in and not as a bastion against disease and contamination or a safe haven for an increasingly mountainous and unmanageable piles of clutter, the accumulations of a bizarre sentimentality, such as hanging on to my barely  usable nine-years-old computer which now makes a total of three computers. Not to mention accumulations of ornaments long since out of date and no longer liked, shelves of books either read or unread mostly because a particular book turned out not to be too my liking, or I simply have not the time to read or my OCD has got in the way. For instance not wishing to read a chapter with a certain number with superstitious connotations or complications pertaining to my religious OCD. Yes most certainly it is impossible to derive any real pleasure from being a homemaker when you have OCD.

I would also love to feel the satisfaction that I have helped another person without feelings of resentment, anxiety or guilt because I could not do much to be of any real help. There is much I would like to do to help others but sadly I am too ill to do much of anything and feel resentful that I am plagued by guilt because of these inadequacies. Conversely I am oftentimes driven to help others when I am really not well enough to do so driven by my OCD guilt ridden mind to feel so responsible for others whom I barely know and who care little for me. Resentment intrudes itself, I do not like to feel this way but I cannot help it as such are thoughts, intrusive thoughts which like all the others are not easy to dismiss and in fact present to most people from time to time not just those of us with OCD. The difference is perhaps we feel more guilty about entertaining such thoughts than non sufferers. Such thoughts intrude themselves adding their own measure of guilt as I often wonder: Who would help me?. Why should I help others when I am so ill myself.? I have had a hard life and need some peace? During those long dark years of utter loneliness with severe OCD when my husband was at work I was left completely alone for hours on end and now I wander whenever I try to help another who would be there for me.

When someone telephones and I say I have a headache most carry on with whatever it is that they want to say regardless! And I listen despite my difficulties. I recall some years ago I had a visitor who stayed for hours no matter how much I complained about my headache, which was on those occasions very severe, I had not the heart to say: please I cannot cope with talking I have a headache! And when a friend rang recently and I finally made a stand and declined to take the call having just got over a migraine I felt very guilty when weeks later I learned that she had really needed someone to talk with because of dire circumstances. So the guilt was enormous and sometimes I feel as though I cannot win.

If I did not have OCD I would probably not feel this way. I resent the guilt that I feel because I cannot do much for others yet push myself anyway regardless of my own illness only to find I than become plagued by intrusive resentful thoughts. How I hate those resentful feelings which perhaps are natural. We cannot help how we feel though, as such our thoughts are beyond our control. They merely present themselves unbidden and unwelcome. Should we feel guilty if we feel resentful particularly if we do not welcome such thoughts and wish we felt difficulty. No perhaps not, they are only thoughts, but still we feel profound remorse and we are tortured with guilt we cannot pacify no matter how hard we try. Such thoughts mitigate any satisfaction we might feel from helping another. But hey just a minute we are not supposed to feel satisfaction from helping others are we, this also is supposed to mitigate the goodness of our intentions. Perhaps we should not take so much notice of what we should think or not think. As long as we go a good deed that is all that matters as long as it is not of course a detriment to one's self.

In addition to the above OCD interferes with all kinds of pleasures and pursuits to numerous to mention including for me personally this website, my activates on the computer, my artwork, reading, cooking, trips out and just about anything ! everything! I even have OCD scenarios and thoughts in my dreams. Eventually OCD's pervasive presence may effect every aspect of your existence if you do not stand against it. And this is what has happened to me over the years.

So much of my life has passed me by and now all I want is some peace and quiet to enjoy the company of my husband and find some fulfilment before my life is utterly spent. Yet this will never be as the OCD soon adapts to ones situation and one can never have peace of mind even in the most positive of circumstances and idyllic of situations.

No this is not self pity and even if it were what is wrong with self pity? I am expected to pity others, to have compassion and be a decent human being and I do as best I can. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by feelings of compassion and feel the hurt and pain of others quite profoundly including other creatures. Society thinks that feeling sorry for one's self is somehow not acceptable and reduces you to a selfish and pathetic person. Why are we expected to pity others and not our selves. We are all are suffering in some way or another, every living being is important and has an equal need to be happy and an equal right to compassion from others so what is wrong with having some compassion for yourself? Are you not as equally deserving as are others? There is nothing wrong with self pity, sometimes it is the only pity one gets.

However I am not looking here for pity, neither am I bemoaning my lot in order to gain any help. I merely write this blog or journal to inform whoever has an interest in what life is like with OCD, how the OCD mind works, how it perceives the world and so on. Such is of course an entirely personal perspective into the OCD sufferers mind, for other people with OCD will naturally perceive things differently; some will be more ill that I, others much less so. All sufferers will have different obsessions and compulsions even nuances with in the same category, no two of us are the same, so none of what I say is in any way stereotypical of the OCD experience. Moreover many like myself suffer with other problems co-morbid with their OCD such will interact with and effect their individual OCD adding to the sufferer's unique experience with this disorder. Notwithstanding these considerations I hope that what I write allows some small glimpse into what it is like to live with OCD and the other maladies from which I suffer

July 5th

Today I feel ashamed for all my complaining after watching a programme on TV: Geldof in Africa,  The program highlighted the terrible plight of the people of Uganda, the terrible violence perpetrated against even young children as a result of war crimes, extreme poverty and the spread of AIDs. Such awful suffering puts my own into perspective, the thoughts and images brought to my mind by this programme continue to haunt me. Yes I know I suffer but really not like that. Yes the torment of my mind and the destruction of the quality of life as a result of my illnesses particularly OCD and my headache are suffering indeed however, now, to day such seems insignificant in comparison. I may be ill but at least I know that if it came to the crunch I would receive some kind of help if I had a very severe breakdown (although for reasons which I will no doubt complain to you later I do not now get on going therapy or much support from the mental health services)

I also know without a doubt of concern that during a medical emergency there is a hospital only four miles distance. I know that either an ambulance will come and collect me or that I can be driven quickly to the hospital in our family car. I also know that I can enter that hospital and receive emergency treatment and indeed long term treatment without payment of any kind. Despite the problems with the MRS virus for the most part the hospital will be hygienic, it will be equipped with the lasted in medical technology and staffed with fully qualified doctors and nurses.

I know that each morning there will be food in the cupboard and clean water whenever I turn on the tap. I do not have to walk miles to get filthy water because that is all the water that is available to me. No I have more than enough water to facilitate those OCD decontamination episodes and most certainly enough to drink.. I know that I have a home to live in, it might not be quite up to the standard of many of my fellow countrymen or what we all expect nowadays, it is damp in some rooms, it is small and well there are one and a dozen things that make it less than ideal including the noise which emanates from the factory in the village. Yet compared to so many others living in huts less accommodating than out garden shed, it is luxury.

Yes I do feel ashamed and guilty as I sit it here on my up-to-the minute computer and complain and lament . Yes I am ill I see my computer as an aid to coping with my illness and by so doing I justify it's necessity, a means of occupying and thus diverting the ever destructive OCD mind. Yet it is a luxury most do not have a long with all the other high tech gizmos we all take for granted.

I hope that things will change soon concerning hunger and illness and that all the other misery in Africa will be a thing of the past. I want to see an end to hunger and all suffering. There should be no hunger in the world, there is sufficient means and resources in this world to produce sufficient food for everyone to have at least three hundred calories each day, there are enough resources of all kinds for each person to lead a fulfilling life in pursuit of whatever it is that would provide such fulfilment - at least this is what I understand is possible in an ideal world. The world has moved on so rapidly with amazing technology which to many of it's inhabitants would still appear as magic! Yet so many of our fellow men remain in dire poverty, dying of preventable diseases, living in fear and dread for their health and their safety, wondering each day where the next meal is coming from and the next clean drink of water, going to bed each night hungry and afraid.

Many see me as over sensitive may be I am but what is so wrong with that and besides concerning this issue I am not alone. Most people now at this time agree that something does have to be done to Make Poverty History.

July 7th

I do not know whether to feel relieved or rather victimised by life, the universe whatever. I have known, as I would image that most of you have, that OCD is now thought to be genetic and a neuropsychiatric disorder rather than simply psychological; an uncommon mutant malfunctioning gene involved in serotonin transportation is now thought to be the cause of OCD. However I was not aware of another quite significant development in our knowledge concerning OCD having only recently myself come across the following article, which has been around some time. Now there appears to be an added genetic factor, a second mutation present in the same gene which  in some people with OCD results in more severe and intractable symptoms. The quotation below will explain things far better than I am able as I am not an expert in genetics. Please click on the link for complete article.

"Researchers funded by the National Institutes of Health have found a mutation in the human serotonin transporter gene, hSERT, in unrelated families with OCD. A second variant in the same gene of some patients with this mutation suggests a genetic "double hit," resulting in greater biochemical effects and more severe symptoms. Among the 10 leading causes of disability worldwide, OCD is a mental illness characterized by repetitive unwanted thoughts and behaviors that impair daily life."

Mutant Gene Linked to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder - Panic/Anxiety Disorder

This double mutation which exists in some people, but not everyone, with OCD may explain why some OCD sufferers have more severe symptoms and symptoms which are resistant to treatment. At least that is my understanding of the article. Maybe you see this as a negative development in our understanding if you like me suffer quite severely with OCD; have never been able to sustain progress after treatment; treatment has never been really successful and or you have other related disorders including: anorexia nervosa, Asperger syndrome and other autistic spectrum disorders, social phobia or indeed any other anxiety disorder and so on.

However if like me you have been made to feel that perhaps you are weak willed because you cannot overcome your symptoms the way other sufferers have, or you have been  made to feel guilty or a bit of a loser compared to other OCDers who have appeared to have made good progress and you cannot understand why you can’t do the same, than this information may make you feel better, at least by the knowledge that it is not your fault. If your symptoms are more severe or intractable and seem to resist the treatment that others have had and which has improved their OCD while you still struggle and feel rather a failure, it may be due to the fact that you have this double hit genetic mutation.. If you are one of these unfortunate to have this double mutation than at least you can reassure yourself that it is not your fault. You do not have to feel guilty or a failure when you have struggled all our life with crippling symptoms as I have..

You should not feel discouraged either by such information, the more that is known about this disorder the more chance we have that one day OCD will be a thing of the past. I actually felt better just by knowing this although of course conversely rather depressed by it. We always have mixed emotions about most things don’t we - well  at least that is my experience. But for me personally I would rather know at least concerning OCD what I am up against. Moreover feelings of guilt may be alleviated by considering our OCD from the perspective of this possibility. This in itself is a very positive outcome if nothing else; guilt is a very destructive emotion for every one but more particularly for the OCD sufferer. Guilt exacerbates both OCD and depression and one should not feel guilty that one is ill and cannot over come one's illness when others can. So mostly I see this as a positive.

It perhaps should be said of course that some mental health professionals do not agree with the genetic factor and continue to see OCD as purely a psychological disorder or a combination of the two. I tend to consider it rather a mixture with the main component being neuropsychiatric .All Illness effects ones mental health and wellbeing and, concerning mental illness, so does ones upbringing which in the case of OCD and similar disorders determines how the illness manifests and how we cope or otherwise with these debilitating disorders.

Also anyone reading any of my writing within this journal, my memoir and so on should bear in mind that I have suffered severely and it would appear that my symptoms are intractable and I may also suffer co-morbidly from ADD, social phobia and Asperger syndrome as a result of this double mutation. The last possibility of Asperger syndrome I am going to discuss this with my psychiatrist during my next appointment in August. There are a couple of symptoms which do not quite fit the diagnostic criteria, such as lack of empathy, which I certainly do not have, so I will need to wait and see.

I get the feeling that this mutation may be rare although it does not say so in the article. I worry quite a bit that what I write might make others sufferers feel hopeless although I have received a number of posts telling me that what I have written has been helpful to them. So please bear in mind whenever you read anything I have written about my OCD that I do suffer more severely and you should not feel depressed or discouraged by this. I write all of my experiences to inform and increase awareness of just how deliberating this disorder can be for all sufferers and not to make anyone feel hopeless.

July 8th.
Well it’s July 8th and I have written in my journal but for one reason or another I cannot yet again get it together to publish. This problem is getting worse. My anxiety is increasing concerning the content of everything that I write. I question, I ruminate: will what I have written cause harm to others and to myself; will it offend; do I have the right to give advice and make suggestions; am I causing more harm that good by sharing my blighted, tormented dysfunctional life and so on and on it goes the OCD tormenter presents many such anxieties. And if that is not bad enough I am torn apart by doubt concerning grammatical errors, my ability to write coherently, precisely, and accurately. In short do I have the necessary expertise to write? Again and again these doubts return relentlessly to haunt me as though hell bent on destroying my endeavour.

I compare my writing with that of other blog authors and website hosts and anyone, everyone. Everything I write I compare and analyse. This in itself is becoming an obsession; I cannot sit down and read a novel or any kind of book without analysing the writing style, noticing errors and so on. Yes most certainly other people make mistakes. Some people writing on the net in blogs and so on write better than I, more concisely more effectively; others less so - often much less so. Others are self opinionated and appear not to have the least concern about what they write neither the accuracy nor the appropriateness thereof. I would not for instance consider using bad language even though in my everyday life during times of anger and frustration I do so myself. I do not feel it is right to inflict such upon others who may be offended or affected by it because of their OCD as I once was and still am. Yet others do so seemingly without such considerations although I have not come across an OCD Blog of this nature. However if I did I would in a way be pleased to find that such was obviously not problem for him or her and after all we should be free to write how and what we like, as the way others are effected is of course not our responsibility. We cannot be responsible for how others react to what we write say or do. Similar anxieties come to the fore when talking about religion and my OCD, a lot of what I write may cause problems for people who are religious particularly people with OCD but if I thought about everything I write and the possible effect it would have I would not write anything! Because we are all different and present with many and varied symptoms it is possible that from time to time we may indivertibly upset, offend and distress even fellow sufferers!. It is sad but it is a reality of OCD and I have come across this throughout my life.We cannot please everyone. Odd isn’t it how one can swear oneself but when others do so we flinch in horror. My swearing is dreadful sometimes but at one time I could not swear for OCD fears but now this is not a problem so swearing I guess for me is progress and relieves pent up tension. But why does it sound so much worse when other people swear? Well that is off topic I guess. I will save that for another ramble.

Does the knowledge that others also are less than perfect provide me with any degree of comfort? No, I am never satisfied and the whole endeavour is becoming in itself sheer torture. As I look back at my life I can see that everything in my life has turned sour because of my OCD. And eventually I have allowed this sourness to prevent me from pursuing so many things, not all of which are profound or momentous but ordinary everyday pursuits that others take so for granted.

I have just altered the paragraph above and ruminated and obsessed over the use of one word! Just one word! That is what it is like now. Recently I spent a couple of hours on one entry and because of fear, a fear I am too afraid to relate to you I cannot publish it. Oh the frustration! Aaaggghhhhhh. Somehow I have to over come this as this website including this blog is something I feel very strongly about and want to continue with. I want to explain to others what it is like for me and for all of us to live with this torment day in and day out. I want people to understand , no not for sympathy but simply to understand where we are coming from and to understand why we behave the way we do. I hope that when more and more people understand out plight and how incapacitated we are that we will eventfully receive more support from society in general and more understanding and support from those who care about us. Often, family, friends, partners and other loved ones feel hurt and rejected or simply fail to cope and shut you out. Often my husband has that sad rejected look on his face when he does not get much response from an attempted cuddle because I am tense panicking because he has done something to upset my OCD symptoms without really realising it. Sometimes even after thirty years he is not aware on what level and how complicated my contamination and other fears are. He may have touched something I feel is contaminated, it might not be anything remotely obvious, it could even be something that on the previous day was okay but now due to some event of which he is completely aware the object had become contaminated. I would like to encourage more understanding of OCD in the community so to not have to face the look of hurt in a friend or neighbours eyes when I can’t stroke their dog or fuss their cat or even enter their homes .

Moreover I want people to know that there is more to us than our OCD, or other anxiety disorder or mental health problem. Most people who have mental health problems have some talent or gift an ability perhaps as a result of their illness rather than in spite of it who knows. Again another topic for another time.

So I do not want OCD to prevent me from this endeavour as it has done so many many times in the past..

Because of my OCD I have lost jobs and am now unemployable, not that I actually mind that part as I did want to stay home and look after my son. I have always wanted the homemaker, housewife, peaceful and unassuming life but because of OCD even this simple ambition has not been fulfilled as my life become absorbed by time consuming and fearful contamination rituals amongst others. I did my best to be a good mother and homemaker but eventually with OCD such become virtually impossible in any real sense..

Since the onset of OCD I have been unable to find any real religious fulfilment as OCD interfered with any religious endeavour whatsoever regardless of creed or belief by presenting: intrusive blasphemous thoughts, superstitious anxieties, propitiatory vows; fears of divine retribution and endless anxious and ruminative contemplations.  For a detailed account please see chapter seven of my memoir.

Man's best friend is his dog. Well not for me with my OCD I cannot have a dog or any other other pet. Fear of dogs in particular makes if difficult for me to enjoy walking in the country or in towns or to visit pet owning friends. I miss such personal association with animals My husband and I go along to a field in the locality and feed the sheep but all I can do is stand and watch while my husband feeds these adorable and very friendly creatures fearful of contact because of contamination concerns, fears that I will catch rabies. I know that if I let go and try than when I return home the OCD tormenter will give me no peace and I will find myself once again changing my cloths, showering, washing my self, my hair and finally my cloths. Such makes me incredibly sad.

OCD interferes with my enjoyment of reading because of a superstitious obsession with a certain number. I avoid association with a certain number which although I have written this number when writing my memoir and other writing I am too anxious to do so here now at this time. When I am reading I have to read past this number all at one time. I cannot leave a chapter or a page bookmarked on this number for fear of some dire consequence occurring. Well as you can see reading is sometimes not a very enjoyable experience and I have to plan ahead to get those chapters read all in one sitting which if the chapters are long can indeed be most stressful. Other associations with this number crop up throughout the day making life difficult . For instance I am anxious to visit a website listed in the numerical position of this unlucky number and so on . Recently when writing an extensive article for my website I became anxious as I approached the page number in question. To avoid the anxiety and exhaustion that would have occurred I altered the font size so it appeared that the page number had all ready been completed. It takes far too long for me to write an entire page to completion plus the previous and the following pages all in one session, I had to be devious as I simply could not write three pages all at one time. There are so many instances though the day when I avoid  this number, too many to list here.


July10th

Today I have the compulsion to telephone someone this morning. I said that I would ring in two weeks time and that was three weeks ago now but really this morning I simply do not feel up to the task. Last week I dismissed the pressure from my OCD to make this call but today I cannot seem to dismiss the thoughts and the compulsion to telephone this person, it is driving me just crazy. I do not feel like talking this morning I have an ache at the back of my neck extending to the lower part of my head and I feel really depressed. It is Sunday, Sunday is the only day I seem to get any peace from the pressure of the world or rather my own personal  pressures and obligations - at least during the afternoon for you see most of Sunday morning could so easily be taken up with phone calls and also throughout the afternoon if I allowed this, but I do not answer the phone after lunch time. Here in the UK phone calls are cheaper on Sunday so everyone you know will ring you than. Yes you may be thinking that often I  lament the lack of friends due to social anxiety problems and this is the case however the people I will call on Sunday are fellow OCDers. Some I have never met, many started out as pen or e-mail pals. One person whom I met some years ago now when I tried to form an OCD group in my locality and who lived only three miles away from our home when we lived in the south east became quite a close friend but because of our OCD we rarely saw each other. Yes this friend is a soul mate, we both have a lot in common -  both of us are hypersensitive and of course have OCD and social anxieties. Nonetheless I just hate talking on the telephone, it is just so much pressure to keep up an unbroken conversation, it is more difficult than speaking with someone face to face. Now this morning I owe this person a call in addition to the one mentioned earlier so to make the two calls would be just too much for me it would take two hours or even more and I would be exhausted.

Sunday is the only day or at least Sunday afternoon that I can relax and I do not do much of anything if that makes sense. However if I do not make this call I will be tormented to distraction. I have got to the state this morning that I hope my headache gets worse so I will feel that I am justified not making the call. This is no minor irritation borne of normal guilty feelings we all get from time to time when we neglect to do something we said we would do.. No it will amount to an unremitting torment unless I concede or have a severe headache. What A choice! It is not that I do not want to talk to either of these people it's just I find talking difficult and I am feeling so depressed. In some ways  I need someone to talk with but one of the problem is for most part with most of the people I telephone it is difficult to get a word in. I have quite a problem now, a moral dilemma in opposition to my OCD and whatever I decide to do I will suffer fear and torment and I need some input from another, a different perspective as even fellow sufferers will have a different perspective on OCD as his or her manifestation of the disorder may be altogether different from your own. . No one knows or understands the misery which is OCD and often one feels very very alone when one cannot express oneself and no one really listens anyway. 

I capitulated and rang my friend only to get a wrong number it is 7.20 am! I hope I did not get this person put of bed. Will I ring again? I always feel anxious after getting a wrong number in case the same thing happens next time I ring.

No I did not ring later. I did get a severe headache and thus felt justified in not calling again. Problem is next Sunday I will be confronted with the same dilemma. I know I have to telephone, why I just can't get it over with I don't know. Oh how I wish my life could be different, after so many years I grow weary of it all.

July 11th.

Humor is the healthy way of feeling "distance"
between one's self and the problem, a way of standing off
and looking at one's problem with perspective.
Rollo May


“I am trying to get ready as quick as I can” I assure my son who is stressing out about getting ready to go into the city. “I have to try and look as though I am a functioning normal human being and it takes time” I add with some irritation. “We haven't got that much time” He replies with some amusement. I do not know what I would do with out my son’s sense of humour he has a natural talent for making me laugh even though for most of the time his jokes are at my expense. I have always had a good sense of humour at least this type of humour, personal and natural humour, I do not however understand standard jokes as such. It is good to laugh at one’s self and even through the darkest despair of OCD and the misery it has inflicted upon my life I have always been able to see the funny side even if only in retrospect.

Some people think that the TV series Monk USA Network  Monk makes fun of people with OCD and phobias. Perhaps in a way it does nonetheless it informs and brings attention to our plight along with the opportunity to see the funny side of our behaviours as they may appear to others. Yes we suffer greatly and perhaps this programme does detract from that to some degree but it would really be a sad world  if we could not laugh at ourselves now and again. Seeing the humorous side of things often breaks the tension and fear cycle and the type of humour similar to that of my son’s above diverts attention from often very stressful situations such as it did today when I had to go and register with a dentist. A fearfully anticipated event due to dentist phobia and social anxiety.

July 14th

Where’s my coomb comes the familiar cry to which there is the proverbial deafening silence of no response from anyone. My husband and son as is usual nowadays are absorbed within their own respective worlds of unhappiness. I am now so absent minded and muddled and seem unable to recall much of anything at least to the extant of every day memory requirements such as the location of my coomb, curlers, glasses and hand cream these being the most usual items which seem to have disappeared into another alternative dimension. Sadly the reason is nothing like as fascinating, rather the absence of such items and many other things which were seeming in one place one minute and not the next are the result of my increasing inability to cope - I simply do not recall where I have put them.. Everything seems now so overwhelming. Every aspect of existence seems a mammoth endeavour and I seem to lack the energy to cope as such. Even my writing here seems to take longer and flows less well. So much flows into my mind; ideas present in rapid succession and if not written down disappear just as quickly.

Thoughts that enter my mind throughout the day and which may be of use to myself and others come so quickly and so often it would be impossible to write them all down and in any case once I start writing other ideas spring to mind and I could be writing all day. I sometimes worry about this overwhelming compulsion to write so much about my experiences. Notwithstanding such concerns I have the hope that by doing so I will help others to understand more about OCD and what really happens in the mind of the person so afflicted. Writing however can never quite express the idea of what it is like to live enslaved by this illness. Although a good deal of what I write is indeed candid and I have indeed revealed a significant amount of my life, there is still nonetheless much that remains unspoken or rather unwritten for fears difficult to clearly define. Such fears may be of rejection, even by fellow sufferers as some of the thoughts and obsessions may seem bizarre even to those who suffer this very individual and diverse disorder. There is also the fear of causing more harm than good; anxiety about embarrassment and the possibility of ridicule, concerns that I may be identified by someone I know and last but certainly not least the fear of not being believed or seeming credible. Yet I believe there is so much going on with sufferers, myself included, that we do not tell anyone about because of such fears as those above but perhaps it is time we did..

One day perhaps as my confidence grows I hope to reveal more concerning the more obscure aspects of my OCD and other co morbid conditions which will hopefully help others to come to an understanding of the mind particularly as it relates to OCD. In the meantime I have got to get past all this ruminating checking and obsessing about what I write in the way I have mentioned several times previously. Sorry about seeming rather repetitive but this is a journal as well as a web log and beside I must not start to feel the compulsion to check back to previous entries to see exactly what I have already written doing so would hinder the natural flow and make my entries rather contrived not to mention drive me crazier than I am already! . Checking written work as I am sure you have guessed is a big issue for me and mention of this problem will therefore crop up quite a bit.

July 15th

Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.
Andrew Jackson

Well publish and be dammed as they say! Oopppssss does dammed count as a swear word which I have said I would not include ummmmm. Crazy yes but I am actually ruminating about using this common place word here, included as it is in a very common place phrase. Yes I have to make some sort of a stand against the assault of this increasingly incapacitating OCD symptom which is delaying the publishing of this blog and other written material. It seems now that I ruminate and obsess about so many aspects of my writing that I am beginning to think that I will eventually be incapacitated by such. No I am not going to elaborate again concerning this problem and from now on I will try to assume that anyone reading this blog is either a regular reader or will check back over previous entries for an explanation about these obsessions and compulsions concerning my writing.

So today after the longest time between publications I will post all entries for July. No I am not satisfied with them I have read them over and over now during the last two weeks and still I am haunted by anxieties but if I do not post now I never will. Oh dear already the temptation to ramble on about the whys and wherefore of this awful obsession. I wonder if other OCD bloggers are having similar problems? However such of cause depends upon your own personal OCD symptoms which are of course different for each individual. Some people may have the same problem others my not give it a thought but are instead tormented in quite a different area of their life. Many may simply have given up unable to cope with the onslaught as I have done many times throughout my life and lately now the temptation is great but for now I will keep trying I am rather sick and tired of the OCD monster rearing it's ugly head to interfere with my life.

When I first had the idea to include a blog as part of my website I searched the internet for other OCD bloggers to get some idea how to go about it and at first it took some considerable time to find more than the odd one or two blogs the entries of which were very out of date - yes even more so than are mine. Recently however I have found several regular and good OCD blogs which I have included here. The following links will now also appear on the introduction page.

Incertus

There are several Blog included on OCD - UK. You do not have to be member of OCD UK but you will need to register for the discussion group first to access the blogs.


July17th

I am very depressed and deeply disgusted with painting. It is really a continual torture.
Claude Monet

Finally this week I have completed a painting, I have managed to divert my small amount of free time from my activities on the computer and paint. For all of fours hours - two one day ,two the next. Sometimes you have to make time not only from your work, commitments and other obligations but all so from time consuming rather obsessive activates or hobbies, such as for me the computer, to do something different. I would live my life on the computer if it were not for the necessity to comply with OCD behaviours and my responsibilities, commitments and so on. Whether or not that is a good or a bad thing is matter of perspective and one should not allow society to dictate what one does with one’s life because others feel it is not appropriate to do this or that such as watch TV all day or surf the net or do whatever it is that one is interested in or addicted to. Why is it that certain activities or pastimes are looked down upon if indulged to access. No would think an artist such as Michael Angelo was for instance a bit of loser because he worked obsessively, frantically and if you like addictively.  Addictions are fine if they’re productive but more importantly if you’re happy while you’re involved in them. Furthermore if you are like me and they distract you from less positive activities and negative thinking than surely such should be encouraged. Nevertheless if is a good idea to broaden your horizons from time to time and I do something different.

Besides if I am honest - and of course I have to be honest don’t I with OCD
scrupulosity - I would have to admit that I am motivated also by intrusive thoughts difficult to describe. After a while if I neglect my art work in favour of the computer or because I am too depressed or can’t be bothered, which is pretty much the same thing as depression kills motivation, I begin to feel guilty and anxious that I am missing out on something and wasting an opportunity which one day I my not have.

I am not a brilliant artist by any means but I do have some ability and as I grow older I really regret that I have not involved myself more in this activity instead of allowing so much time to be absorbed by OCD and other problems and distractions. I feel that with more practice and patience I could have fine tuned my artistic abilities instead of remaining rather stagnant as is now the case. Moreover the pressure of the passing of time and my fear of death are becoming increasingly more pressing along with the fear of becoming less physically able to do any kind of artwork. Perhaps because of for instance arthritis or other joint disorders which are so often the lot of so many of my age and older. Furthermore I feel great pressure of late to occupy myself with more satisfying pursuits to make my life feel more fulfilling. One of these pursuits is the computer including this website, the other is my artwork. I feel as though I am in a great race against time to find some satisfaction and a sense of fulfilment, a race which I fear I may lose. Moreover despite all that I can do I feel it is never enough and at the end of even the most busy of days I feel dissatisfaction with what I have done notwithstanding the fact that I have done it despite my severe OCD,  the many commitments I have and the other illnesses which incapacitate me. But instead of patting myself on the back and telling myself I have done the best I can under the circumstances I berate myself unmercifully. Yet I cannot help it as such are intrusive thoughts like any other  intrusive thought and as such are not easy to dismiss. .

Therefore I admit there are some less than normal motivations at work here and the compulsion now to paint is therefore mostly anxiety driven. Nonetheless this does not distract from the positive effects derived from the pursuit of art or other obsessive- compulsive and rather addictive endeavours. With OCD anyway everything you do becomes an obsessively driven issue and consequently an anxiety motivated pastime. It is unfortunately part and parcel of the obsessive compulsive’s character.

I would like to say that I enjoy painting however unfortunately it like my writing is a on many occasions a pastime of torture. From the above quotation it seems I am not alone with such feelings. Monet was a perfectionist, dissatisfied with his paintings. I read somewhere that people who purchased Monet’s partings had to chain them to the wall to prevent the artist from removing them to alter them further compelled by feelings of dissatisfaction and a drive for perfection which to me appears also to be somewhat obsessive in nature. The quotation below from famous painter. com describes an incidence of such extreme perfectionism which has a somewhat obsessive compulsive feel to it.

“Inspired by Manet, Claude Monet worked on large canvases, and by then, he had become such a perfectionist that he refused to paint unless the light of the sun reflected exactly the way he wanted it. In one instance even had a trench dug, and a large canvas mounted on ropes and pulleys, so he could work without having to lose his line of sight.”

For full article please click the link below.

Claude Monet

If you would like to see a collection of Monet's art please visit:

WebMuseum: Monet,

Artwork for me is never finished, much like my writing there is that misery of dissatisfaction. There may not of course be the fear of causing harm in quite the same way as there is with my writing but nonetheless there is the misery of dissatisfaction and the drive for perfectionism. (although of course there is anxiety concerning the use of toxic materials which I tend to avoid, such as the use of oil paints which require turpentine. I would imagine that most paints are harmful to some degree and thus some anxiety and compulsive hand washing and so on occurs) For me a painting is never finished. Like my writing it may appear to be so one day, and I am quite pleased, and than by the next it appears as though all of a sudden it is less than perfect and some flaw has arisen hitherto unnoticed and even years later I will have the compulsion to alter and attempt to perfect it. The obsessive drive to reach perfection compared to some of the more distressful obsessions and compulsions is not as devastating and does not induce the same kind of fear but it is nonetheless depressing never to be satisfied and as such it detracts any pleasure that would otherwise be afforded by participation in this hobby.

Well all that remains is to show you my picture. No I am not happy with it and will fiddle about with it some more no doubt. But at least I try and battle with the demons of doubt that threaten to spoil any endeavour in which I participate. As sufferers of OCD we need to be mindful of this and notwithstanding the insistent torment of doubt to carry on anyway and except that whatever we do we will never be satisfied - but what is the alternative? It sure beats sitting about ruminating and worrying, worrying about a less than perfect piece of art is less depressing than ruminating about death, disease and so on or whatever it is that fills your life with fear driven obsessions and compulsions. When I am working on the computer or painting such intrusive thoughts and depressing contemplations present less often and I am often less effected by them except of course in extreme and dire circumstances which of course befall all of us from time to time not just those of us with mental health problems.. Anyway without more ado or rambling and waffling here is my painting.

For larger image click on thumb nail which will open in a new window

 July19th

We experience moments absolutely free from worry.  These brief respites are called panic. 
Cullen Hightower

I just had to share the above quote with you this morning, it had me stitches laughing. Yes I can laugh at myself and my situation despite the hellish misery which is my life. I just saw the funny side of this quotation which sadly for myself and for many others is so true. All day without abatement I live in a state of perpetual worry and consequently anxiety. For me anxiety and worry are synonymous - they go hand in hand and like the above quotation says the only respite I get is the heightened state of acute anxiety called Panic!  I hope no one is offended because I see this as amusing. I know only too well how miserable our existences are, consumed always by such feelings, rarely feeling little of anything else. I find the above funny perhaps because it describes my situation so accurately.

Right now I am extremely anxious as today I finally publish my website. Yes despite the bravado of the entry on the July 15th I have still not managed to actually click the publish button. Technical problems with getting on-line I guess were partly responsible however such anxieties already described in earlier entries and which involve extensive checking are perhaps mostly to blame. I felt considerable anxiety coming into our hobbies room this morning and turning on the computer. My anxiety was considerable indeed as the proverbial lump came to my throat and a familiar fluttering feeling arose from the pit of my stomach. When I finally click the publish button it will most certainly be one of those moments of respite called panic!

While ruminating and putting those final obsessive compulsive touches to a new section of my website A day in the Life of...came across another rather amusing quotation:

I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time. 
Charles Schulz

Again apologies if you do not see your personal situation in any way humorous, it is not my intention to be insensitive. But humour and being able to laugh at myself has helped me to keep what remains of my fragile sanity. Charles Schulz is the author of the Charlie Brown comic strip of which most people I am sure are familiar and from which the above quotation comes. My son used to be an avid reader of Charlie Brown and I also enjoyed reading the amusing comic strips of this loveable character who is himself a worrier dominated by anxieties. 

The above quotation which may  appear to be amusing - I have a perverse sense of humour-  is also in fact quite profound inasmuch as  if we must worry all day, everyday we should at least limit our worries and concerns only for those worries which effect us today, by doing so we may at least feel less overwhelmed by perversity whether real or imagined.

For more Charlie Brown humour please visit the website below,

The Official Peanuts Website - Snoopy, Charlie Brown and Friends - Charles Sch

July 21st

I am really hypertensive today and could cry over just about anything, thinking now of a poignant occurrence in a fictitious TV programme has me feeling sad. I am so hypertensive sometimes in some situations and about certain events. None of them have to be momentous, life shuttering or even occurring in reality, as is the case over the aforementioned sensitivity. Sometimes I think people who observe such oversensitivity on my part think I am crazy - well I guess I am. I do not know if such feelings are borne of stress or have something to do with my OCD or are simply part of my personality.

As you know I have considered from time to time that I may have Asperger syndrome yet I get the feeling that if this were so I would not be hypersensitive. Yet there are those who believe that anyone on the autistic spectrum, which of course includes Asperger syndrome, have strong emotions and may indeed be quite sensitive but are unable to slow such emotion and sensitivity. And that most certainly describes me perfectly. Asperger syndrome along with other autistic spectrum disorders is indeed a complex and diverse developmental problem, it is considered to be a disorder of the central nervous system and without an assessment it is not really possible for me to arrive categorically at this conclusion. Could Asperger syndrome co exist with OCD’s over responsibility tendencies and attachments to others and so on. On the net I have come across examples of OCD sufferers being diagnosed with Asperger syndrome co-morbid with their OCD. But there is not a lot of information on the subject however from what I have read OCD sufferers may indeed exhibit autistic traits even if not the full blown condition itself. The biggest doubt lies in the diagnostic criterion for Asperger syndrome and other AS disorders which concerns a lack of empathy and being indifferent to the feelings of others. Such is at variance, considerably at variance I might add to the way I feel such as right now when I am so overwhelmed by emotion and oversensitivity, at least in comparison to a lot people.

Now having said all this one of the biggest factors for the possibility that I may have Asperger syndrome co-morbid with my OCD - which means that OCD is the primary illness - and that is my son possibly has Asperger syndrome. He is waiting for the result of an assessment which his psychologist thinks is anyway a formality as it appears to be a foregone conclusion. How do I feel about this? Well quite honestly I do not know what to think. Loneliness I fear will be his lot in life as he like me battles to communicate effectively with others. Also his inability to organise, to concentrate and to focus will add to his difficulties. Again similar problems with which I myself contend so I know from my own experience life will most certainly not be easy for him. Although many sufferers do lead successful and independent lives however my son suffers also quite significantly from depression and anxiety and some mild OCD. I am keeping my fingers crossed that his OCD will remain mild.

However since becoming aware of the reason for his problems he seems better than he was, less despondent and lost. It is for this reason that anyone who sufferers with any problem of this type needs a diagnosis. You need to know why it is you have the difficulties you experience; you need to know where you fit in and most importantly you need to know where and how you can get help and how to find others who suffer similarly. Moreover if you have Asperger or any kind of autism or indeed any other behavioural or mental illnesses co morbid with your OCD you most certainly need to know as of course your OCD will be greatly effected by the presence of any co morbid condition. Also I have read that treatment for OCD sufferers with Asperger syndrome needs to be approached differently. So sufferers need to know. We do not want fobbing off as may sometimes be the case particularly for adults, but I have an idea that children still get the run around. My son is an adult and thankfully his psychologist has been brilliant, most understanding and accommodating in getting an assessment for him. He has not tried to fob him off with a vague diagnosis of stress and depression which are of course part of his problem but not the cause.

A vague diagnosis of anxiety or depression just does nothing to negate or satisfy the need to know why we are suffering from something we know is far more complex in nature, sufferers need an exact and clear diagnosis. When my OCD became full blown I was told that the bizarre religious compulsions and intrusive blasphemous thoughts were the result of anxiety! Anxiety surely not! It felt like something more serious, more like schizophrenia or some other psychosis, because in fact it felt so real for months. I did not question my bizarre thoughts or why others did not behave the way I did. I did not consider the fact that others did not half starve themselves and deny themselves all manner of normal enjoyment in order to placate God thinking that by doing so they were protecting their own life and the lives of those they loved. It did not occur to me that compulsive praying over and over for God to spare myself and my husband from  possible imminent death was in any way odd. Distressing, frightening, yes most certainly, but not normal? I never questioned the irrationality and inappropriateness of my behaviour I simply went along with these strong compulsions without either analysis or question. No. I did not even think it was unusual if a negative thought intruded while I was praying that I would need to start all over again. Neither did I question what was happening to me when I freaked out when the blasphemous thoughts first occurred on a bright and hot sunny day like the one we have today just out of the blue despite the fact I was not an active Christian. Neither did I question why I worried that I had committed the unforgivable sin. I simply worried with out any analysis or question that something awful would befall me in the here and now and not on an afterlife because I believed that I had committed this sin even though I was not clear as to it’s exact nature. Nor did I question  why I felt the compulsion to read a certain number of passages from the bible each day and why I felt afraid if I did not.

I was utterly and completely overwhelmed with fear and no amount of rational thinking would mitigate it, not that I attempted any it was all too real. I had no insight. When finally I sought help months and months later to than be told that all that bizarre thinking and overwhelming compulsive behaviours were caused simply by anxiety seemed rather incredulous? I felt very confused indeed, after all were not most people anxious from time to time. And than when I was assigned to a group for therapy I had expected to meet others much like myself,  the other group members, or so I was told, were anxiety sufferers also. Finally I would meet others who knew what I had been going through. So you can imagine my surprise, not to mention my embarrassment ,when having met the other group members not to come across anyone else similar - most the group members were sufferers of agoraphobia, dentist phobia, and general anxiety disorder. There were I believe a couple of OCD sufferers - at least I guess they were however I can only tell now in retrospect. Because I had no precise diagnosis I did not see either as fellow sufferers presenting with the same illness but in a different manifestation. One had OCD contamination but this was her last time with the group, the other was a man who seemed to have trouble driving, for reasons I can only now guess were OCD related. I image he may have had the compulsion to stop whilst driving to check that he had not ran anyone over but of course I could be wrong. Because I had no diagnosis I did not see this man or the the lady with contamination OCD as a fellow sufferers, contamination OCD was not a significant problem for me than and I did not relate the two different manifestations as the same illness although I already had some symptoms, during my time with this group the term OCD or as it was called in those days obsessional neurosis was never once mentioned.

For years I felt isolated, a bit of a freak until I finally had an official diagnosis in hospital at 32 - four years after seeking treatment. Now I am not saying that my illness was worse than for instance an agoraphobics, no indeed my sister was agoraphobic I knew only too well the hellish nightmare of misery that is the lot of the agoraphobic. No I merely imply that the others were dissimilar and my manifestation of anxiety was completely different and more bizarre and I felt utterly alone and somewhat embarrassed. The other anxiety conditions presented by the group, which of course are as serious and life destroying, where nonetheless more reasonable and seemed less insane and most people would expect to have some idea what was going on with a sufferer of agoraphobia or a dentist phobic - which incidentally I am - and anyone suffering from general anxiety and have some empathy. No one really had any empathy with my bizarre religious obsessions and compulsions, the only thing we had in common was of course anxiety. Anxiety is a symptom of OCD, it is also a symptom of agoraphobia, but anxiety is not a sufficient diagnosis as such as these illnesses and others like them are entirely different from each other. Therefore anxiety should be used as an umbrella term rather than a precise diagnosis. Hopefully today this will be the case. But even now on occasion I understand it can be difficult for sufferers to get a exact diagnosis. But I cannot emphasise enough how important it is for sufferers to get one. And also to receive a specific and accurate diagnosis of any co morbid conditions.

Yes the group helped for a time but had I had a prior diagnosis I would have felt much more comfortable to have at least understand that I had something different from the others: unlike the agoraphobic I did not have a name for what I was suffering and no one with whom to relate

When I faintly realised precisely from what I suffered it was an immense relief. And from than on I was able to do my own research, find other sufferers and share stories and experiences and thus feel less alone and less of a freak or at least a less lonely freak:-)

July20th

I was horrified to find that the air conditioner in the library had sprayed me with moisture - at least that is what it felt like. Those of you who have read my blog will know that in recent years may contamination anxieties have come to include the fear of contracting legionaries disease, I understand that one can become infected by the legionaries contagion from air conditioners among other things. I know nothing much about air conditioners, here in the UK we rarely need them but just recently it has been usually hot and humid. Most people use a fan, it is rare to find an air conditioner but here in the library was the first ever I had seen in operation - at least I assume it was an air conditioner, it certainly was not a fan and it emanated a fine moist spray just as my husband and I passed by. My husband claims he did not feel a thing. Such observations from others or rather lack of them can have you wondering if you’re imaging things. I guess it simply is the case that other people fail to notice their minds not registering the connection between an air conditioner and legionaries disease. Most likely few would even notice that the device cooling the air, albeit rather inadequately, was indeed an air conditioner. For the most part a non OCD sufferer just would not have such information fresh in her mind, the thoughts simply would not occur to her. Even even if she had been sprayed with a mist of moisture she would most likely fail to notice as did my husband and if she did she would not think that she  was now in danger of catching legionaries disease. A non OCD sufferer certainly would not go into a cold sweat, accompanied be a racing heart, nor would feelings of panicked motivated urgency send her hastily home abandoning her visit to the library to  change, shower and wash her cloths, even cloths that were in a carrier bag, new cloths purchased only a short while before. Neither would she insist that the person who was with her did like wise.

Such is the misery and torment of OCD. I really needed to go into the library and will have to go back again, fortunately the information I required was not in that room after all thank goodness as I may not be able to enter it again during this humid weather. My OCD is really taking a downward spiral lately, most days I shower more often than just once, for the last three days this week I have showered for one reason or another and changed my cloths after returning home feeling contaminated mostly after using a public toilet, but there can be any number of reasons such as the one today.

When you have OCD regardless of its type, whether it is contamination, checking or whatever the more you give in to it the more it grows. After a while though I find that OCD, no matter how severe or otherwise seems to remain on a plateaux. It may be either an high or low functioning plateaux or somewhere in between and somehow you adapt your functioning to fit in within its restrictions. This may go on for some time than all of a sudden it may rise to a new and more incapacitating level, perhaps after a traumatic experience. However this rise may occur subtlety and imperceptibly and if we are not aware of how this can happen and take care when it does to try and stem the escalation of symptoms, before you know where you are the level of the plateaux has been raised. And if this occurs over and over as time passes one becomes more and more incapacitated by ones OCD.

This is what has occurred to me over the passing of so many years. I am now more aware that this is what is happening now. I have sometimes had to shower during the course of the last few weeks after returning home due to a recent feeling that I am exposed to a new form of contamination, a type of exposure which hitherto I had not previously been exposed and which I cannot void. However the extra decontaminating rituals on returning home are in danger of increasing my OCD behaviours not just in this one area but overall. And this is what happens, basically the more you give in particularly to new behaviours the more your OCD increases in all areas. I have to be careful not to raise this plateaux any more than it is now because it will not stop at the extra shower. No more and more obsessive-compulsive behaviours will be included in addition  to all the compulsions I have to contend with already and quite honestly I feel I am not able to cope with much more in one way or another.

July 21
Today already only one week since school children have broken up for the summer holidays there was a  Back to School advertisement in one of the news letters to which I subscribe on the net. Even now so many decades latter such has the affect on me as to make me feel slightly anxious and uneasy. As a child I just hated to see those back to school reminders in shop windows, it turned my stomach with fearful anxiety. School was for me an absolute hell of misery, there were few times that I ever liked attending school. I simply could not fit it, I had few friends and in later years really none at all. I did not knew of course that I had OCD, the term OCD was than not in use but I knew there was something different about me; I just could not relate to my peers at all. Moreover other children seemed somehow instinctively to know this and for the most part made my life hell - at last those children who seemed predisposed to bullying and generally tormenting other children - which of course is bully isn't it, although at that time it was not seen as such. However my first experience was actually far more serious when shortly after beginning my school attendance I was pushed over and hit my head on a wooden trunk. I had a huge swelling which was quite a serious matter even for those more complacent less aware days when more subtle bullying went unnoticed.

School was a nightmare of unmitigated misery and one which I tried to avoid at all costs: for instance I would pretend to be ill.  I never played truant but pestered my parents for time off and as I grew older they seemed to allow me to remain at home increasingly more often knowing how I was traumatised by the all round experience of school. In the last year of my school life I hardly attended at all.

When any one discusses the possibility of reincarnation I immediately think of my school days; I find the thought most unsettling and that is putting it mildly. The thought of having to be reborn and go through the whole process again is unimaginable. Seriously! I find the thought utterly appalling and hope that such is not a reality. There are no words which are adequate to describe the misery that was school. If you are different from the mainstream you are in for a rough time. My sister had similar problems. The relief when both she and I finally walked through those gates never to return cannot be adequately described, it was though a weight of misery was lifted from our shoulders knowing no other similar  commitment in life would ever be forced upon either of us again was truly liberating.

School psychologically damaged not only the lives of my sister and I but also that of my son. Yes more attention is now focused upon bullying at school but it will never be eradicated. For the sensitive person a few cruel or threatening words can destroy your life; ruin your feelings of self esteem, cause significant fear and anxiety and spoil your learning potential and consequently your entire life. And each year when I see the Back to School slogan still after the passing of so many years my mind transports me back once again to relive one of the most unhappy and soul destroying times of my entire life.

July 24th.

It had taken me ages to prepare the onions to fry and make into a sauce. I was horrified after tipping out the contents of the ready made tomato sauce straight on to the fried onions to notice a strange looking substance round the rim of the jar! Now most likely it was a bit of dried up sauce, it look unappetising but probably not harmful. But of course I do not know that do I, not for certain. And of course maybe my doubting is rational even if the action which followed was not as the whole lot went in the bin amongst displays of frustrated anger. People with OCD may imagine the worse case scenario: the substance may be toxic; it may be decaying food, perhaps the processing of the food was not as hygienic as it should have been or it might have been deliberately poisoned by a disgruntled employee never mind the fact that if is this was the case the person reasonable would not have been so obvious. May be far fetched to the normal perspective of the non sufferer but nonetheless all of the above could in reality be true and perhaps I made the correct choice by throwing away the contents. I may have said this before but this is one of the biggest difficulties in trying to cope with my OCD and that is: some of my fears may have some basis in reality - at least for the most part. Particularly concerning contamination and checking obsessions. Maybe it could be said that superstitious obsessions do not have a basis in reality but who's to know - what is reality. No one really knows, there are some things that cannot be proven or disproved. Anything beyond a shadow of doubt albeit an infinitely tiny shadow of doubt barely worth considering, as is the case with suppositious obsessions and compulsions, becomes a stumbling block for the OCD sufferer. And no matter how small the doubt is while that doubt remains the OCD sufferer cannot dismiss the possibility from his mind.

The biggest problem of doubting lies with contamination and checking OCD, most of the obsessions and compulsions of which are carried out have rather a more substantial connection with reality. For example in my own case: yes in theory the contents of the aforementioned jar could have been either accidentally or deliberately contaminated. Yes I could catch rabies from animals - there is a vague possibility although I would have to be bitten I could not catch it from touching an item touched by the owner of an infected animal. If I do not check that all the doors and windows are locked, in theory someone could break in. There could be a fire if I leave the house without unplugging everything except the fridge. It is that possibility, however remote that can make it difficult to overcome my OCD - the doubt that no amount of reassuring can allay.

July 29th

I hate to be so negative but I want to tell you what it is like for me living with my OCD, really how it is. However I hesitate anxious to reveal so much of myself due not only to embarrassment but more importantly due to fears of making others feel that having OCD is a hopeless situation. Which of course for most sufferers is now not the case. These concerns regarding my negative situation are actually preventing me from telling you exactly and precisely what my life is like as a sufferer of OCD. I do so worry that it will not be of help to anyone and is perhaps more of a hindrance, yet I want others to know what it is like to live one's life overshadowed by the torment and misery of a pervasive and all consuming mental illnesses. I write this blog to provide insight into what it is like to suffer from OCD not to include some fictitious peppering of positive occurrences because quite honesty right now these are few and far between. My life at this point is one of unmitigated misery. I am overwhelmed by my OCD to tell you otherwise would be dishonest and render the purpose of this blog useless.

I will try to include something positive in some entries separate from my personal experiences and these will resemble perhaps more of what is actually required of a blog or web log.  However for my personal entries I intend to try to tell you what my life is like right now. It is not easy, no words adequately describe the hell of living with OCD and indeed the other maladies from which I now suffer. Neither do I have the expertise to adequately describe my experiences with the words available to us in the English language anyway. Moreover right now I seem to have what could be described as some kind of writer’s block. In recent weeks the words seem not to flow with the ease they once did. I have so many ideas of how I would like to write about my experiences and which experiences to include in order to give you the reader a detailed account of what it is like to live with the OCD demon. It’s all in my head, ideas, thoughts even whole sentences constructed mentally, but when it comes to getting it on paper - well the whole thing than seems impossible to convey in quite the same way. In fact lately writing is becoming as difficult a  medium with which to express myself as is verbal communication. Furthermore all the doubting is inhibiting. This OCD symptom is increasing quite alarmingly and many entries have never been published as I am just too fearful to do so for reasons already explained above and in previous entries. Also I have great difficulty concentrating. It is as though I go into some kind of a trance, my mind having taken leave, although my body continues to type. Like just now when I am trying to write and check that last sentence my mind has gone off on a tangent, no where exciting, no this is not a day dream. My mind in fact has gone forward to tonight when I have to go to Tai Chi, the thought is complete with images along with feelings of anxiety and despondency, my heart sinking at the very thought as I do not enjoy my attendance at Tai Chi for number so reasons, social hang up being the man one.  Sometimes my mind has wondered off, who knows where. I don’t that’s for sure. And I wonder why I make so many mistakes.

Sometimes I fail to notice such mistakes even after many readings and alterations. Often when I write something it appears okay after some initial editing - all right checking :-) - for typing errors and spelling than the next day or even weeks later when I check back there are dreadful glaring mistakes I have hitherto not noticed. I cannot spell and without the spell checker I would be unable to write properly anything much at all but oh the task of editing such errors. These errors are numerous also because my mind works faster than I can type, typing errors are so bad sometimes I can barely read what I have written. And than of course caps lock remaining locked after typing in an uppercase letter and looking up - I cannot touch type - to find several sentences all in uppercase is frustratingly and inhibiting as the flow of writing is interrupted for some time as I correct this common mistake. In fact trying to express myself now is becoming increasingly impossible in one way or another. I feel so frustrated by my inabilities, it is though I am stuck and the thoughts in my head remain there as thoughts impossible to transfer into the written or spoken word.

Just lately I find it difficult to fill in even a simple form mostly due to OCD doubting, indecisiveness and obsessing. This morning I had the choice of two forms which needed to be filled in for a dentist insurance plan - the dentist is another big fear right now and one which I will no doubt elaborate upon in the coming weeks. I knew which form needed to be filled in for the type of insurance I required I knew that I did not need to fill in both - or did I. Well the OCD thoughts cast doubt and over and over I checked those forms knowing on a subconscious level underneath all the OCD crap which form to fill in. Maybe not an earth shattering fearful experience but it is nonetheless a frustrating and time consuming one and one which precipitates fearful anxieties concerning the passing of time, the waste of time and anger over the amount of time it takes me to do even the most simple of tasks which others would barely think about.

Notwithstanding all the aforementioned obstacles I will endeavour to do my utmost to tell you what it is like for me now during this difficult time. I will try to write with less anxiety about the correctness of the content and try to be less contrived. It has not always be this way, in the past I have been better and conversely worse. Although right now I am not so sure about the accuracy of this last statement as of course when one is living through difficult times it often appears as though one has never been worse and that what one is going through has hitherto not been experienced to such a degree. This is perhaps because the fears, anxieties and obsessions are fresh in ones mind and are felt acutely whilst past events are remembered vaguely in a dream like way and although you know you suffered terribly you have for the most part little access to the actual feelings, which of course is fortunate as it is difficult indeed to cope with the feelings one is experiencing at present.

So please bear in mind that during this difficult period in my life my writing my not be what I would like, it may contain more mistakes and flow less well but if I try to correct and read and re-read nothing much of anything will ever be published as has been the case this last couple of months.

I am not a writer and trying my best to be one is inhibiting and is another reason perhaps that my writing feels hindered and difficult. I just want to let go and write how I feel without worrying about my writing skills or lack thereof. Well we shall see as such is easier said than done and the best laid plans of mice and men and all that.

July 28th

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
Henry David Throeau

Finally my son has a formal diagnosis of Asperger syndrome. Yes it is worrying of course however at least he has a diagnosis and this in itself has made him feel far more positive than he has done so for a long time. It has helped him to understand a lot of what was going on in his life and answers questions that have previously been unanswered and has given him a reason why life is difficult for him and why he does not fit in with mainstream society. Having such a diagnosis means he will now receive treatment appropriate for his condition and not be pressured into taking medication for depression, which sadly is often handed out to anyone who is depressed for whatever reason. And occasionally such medication may be inappropriate or insufficient when other unidentified and consequently untreated conditions exist. He will now receive some cognitive therapy suitable for a sufferer of Asperger syndrome in the near future rather than waste time in therapy for an unspecified and vague condition which would have otherwise been the case. Moreover he can now contact others who suffer similarly, read the many self help books which are available, read the experiences of others and share his own.


I am pleased that he had such an excellent psychologist who listened to what he had to say and took the appropriate steps to ascertain an accurate diagnosis. As I have said before it is often difficult for an adult here in the UK to get a diagnosis for Asperger syndrome and other autistic spectrum disorders, often children encounter similar difficulties also. There appear to be doctors and mental health professionals who think it does not matter if a patient receives a diagnosis - well it does, it most certainly is important to the patient, even if there is not much available in the way of treatment it is still vital for the sufferer to know why he sufferers the way that he does. Knowing precisely what is wrong is so liberating and I wish that more doctors and mental health professionals would take this into consideration. Yes of course you are free to diagnose yourself but until a doctor or mental health professional confirms such as diagnosis there is always doubt. Furthermore without a formal diagnosis you cannot receive the appropriate treatment or the correct support if such is available.

Asperser syndrome is a form of autism, I have heard it described as a mild form of autism and as high functioning autism. Autism is quite a baffling condition and it's symptoms are diverse no two sufferers are alike there appear to be some quite huge differences. Some sufferers seems almost completely withdrawn with a lower intelligence whilst others function far better with high intelligence.  It is believed that Einstein, Isaac Newton and Michael Angelo suffered from Asperger syndrome although there is some controversy concerning the last in artistic circles. It is also believed that Bill Gates shows tendencies to Asperger syndrome. My knowledge of this pervasive and complex condition is inadequate in order to explain to you the precise nature and diversity of this disorder, which is a development disorder rather than a mental health problem. Anyone interested in Asperger Syndrome and other conditions on the autistic spectrum please visit the following web sites.

The National Autistic Society - Home

O.A.S.I.S   On line Asperger Syndrome Information and Support

Asperger Syndrome Help, Support, Care and Information

Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, and the Autistic Spectrum

Wendy Lawson's Home Page

July 29th

I had today a terrible headache which eventually became a migraine. I am getting really distressed by the escalation of my migraine and it is effecting my already diminishing ability to function. More and more I have to cancel arrangements and I am becoming increasingly more anxious to go any where very far at all in case I get a severe attack. This of course is far more difficult whenever we are accompanied by a non family member. This situation also diminishes further my social involvement with others. The more I give into this fear the more I see the periphery of my life diminish still further. It is difficult enough having OCD with out this nightmare which of course like everything else in my life becomes involved and interwoven within the complex web of my OCD.

This week has indeed been problematic concerning my headaches which I get every day. Some days they present only mildly lastly a short duration, while other days they are more severe and eventually become a full blow and severe migraine. Migraine itself varies in intensity; yesterday's progressed slowly, it took hours before I was certain enough to take my medication, while others days it may become quite violently with in only an hour. Just now as I write this I have a twinge of pain. If I were more than a few miles away from home I would feel a surge of fear, and as the headache progresses so does the fear. If I am many miles away from home this fear can be so consuming. It is often the fear that I will get a migraine, even if I have no existing headache, which will make me anxious about going out too far from home, this fear along with my many OCD concerns makes going out a nightmare of anxiety.

All it takes is that one twinge and my heart is in my mouth, the fear raises from the pit of my stomach and my throat contracts as my anxiety escalates and all I want is to be at home. You see this morning I now have that twinge but because I am at home rather than out and about the anxiety is less profound, although of course I am not at all happy and I am concerned about this increase in headaches and migraine. These headaches are so incapacitating and make my life an utter misery. They always seem to turn up just when I need to go somewhere and than I have to make a decision as to whether the headache is a migraine or not as my medication works only for my migraine and if I take it for the wrong headache and  if the real thing turns up I will be in agony for hours!!!! My anxiety is mounting now, just writing about my feelings here there is a lump my throat and I feel that familiar clutch of anxiety which sadly as more and more problems appear in my life is never far away. Yes this headache problem is indeed quite frightening and my OCD thinking has taken it on to produce some very frightening, catastrophising type scenarios such as : what happens if my medication does not work, what will I do if we are far from home and the car breaks down and I get a migraine -I cant take my medication just anywhere as it is administered by suppository particularly if anyone other than my husband is present. And of course what if lose my medication. This causes endless checking of my handbag to ascertain it has not fallen out. This I do not only to make sure I have not lost it for my own security and peace of mind but also I fear losing my medication whilst I am out should a child pick it up or an animal eat it - not that such is likely but of course rationality and the statistical likelihood of such events occurring  does nothing to alleviate such fears for the OCD sufferer .

Today's headache became a deciding factor in arriving at a decision not to go to the Tai Chi club anymore. I am rather depressed and regretful now having made the decision which was not really in fact my idea. During the last few weeks since the increase in my migraine some attacks have occurred just before going to Tai chi and I have been in rather a dilemma concerning the exact nature of my headache. On one occasion I felt compelled to take my medication before I knew for certain if I was suffering from a migraine and not a tension headache. Today this dilemma had gone on from early afternoon. Sometimes my migraine is like that, it will not progress for hours than suddenly and quite frighteningly it will take a turn for the worse leaving me in no doubt as to which headache I am suffering. This situation is quite distressing and just lately I grow weary of it all. I feel that there are just too many instances in my life when I am under so much pressure to be well and Tai Chi is one of them. No the pressure concerning Tai Chi does not come from my husband as such, although I feel I have to go for his sake and feel guilty if I cannot, but from the person who runs the club who likes to be informed if you can’t make it - not always possible if a migraine turns up at the last minute. Furthermore he likes everyone to be on time, again not always possible for the same reasons as cited above. Also in recent weeks the exercises have been too strenuous for me. My husband and I along with most people here in the west see Tai Chi as a from of relaxation or a moving meditation not as a martial art as such. Yes Tai Chi is a martial art and is referred to as a soft martial art but nonetheless a martial art. All those graceful movements are intended as a means of self defence and some movements may in fact inflict serious harm although as with all martial arts the potential is there but should only be used if necessary. The club has always emphasised the martial art aspect of Tai chi however recently more and time has-been focused on the practise of applications rather than the entire time be taken up with learning the movements of which most of us are familiar. For health reasons I cannot practice these applications which require a partner anyway and this I am uncomfortable with because of my social hang ups. Yes I can partner with my husband but you are required to change partners half way through. I find it very difficult with the exception of my son and husband to have physical and indeed any kind of contact with another especially this type of contact.

Yes in my twenties I took Karate lessons until I become pregnant with my son and it was rather a problem then however not to the extent it is today and back than I seemed more able to cope with it and confront this problem. In recent years I have lost confidence and social interactions both psychical and otherwise are now a huge problem with which I cannot contend. Further more I simply can not learn the 48 step form although I have learnt and completed the twenty four step form. So all in all it was becoming to be rather a pressure. However I feel some regret - some considerable regret. Despite my social inhibitions we did get to know a couple of the others quite well and it was a social outlet and I shall miss it. I am worried that I will become more socially inept and more inhibited as this quite important part of my social life, which other than the computer classes, is very limited. We hope to keep in contact with one lady with whom both my husband and I have become friendly visiting her home on occasion. However as is often the case in such situations people generally lose contact as time goes on . I like this particular lady, we can sit and chat about all kinds of general topics. Yes there is some awkwardness and eye contact can be problem but with some people it is less so. With this person I can feel normal, she knows nothing of my OCD and we rarely discuss personal problems with the exception of general conversations about family members. So I really I hope that I do not lose contact with this person.

July 30th

I really have quite a bad case of brain fog this morning. I have been up since 4am and on the computer finishing an assignment for my desk top publishing course. I feel really so under pressure yet again. For me life seems filled to overflowing with such pressures which come from the most unexpected sources. Mostly there is no pressure to complete a course or any part thereof, usually the whole atmosphere here is very laid back. However it is nearly the end of the academic year and keeping in line-with schools, collages and so forth my computer course needed to be finished if at all possible on the 31st July at the very latest. I had no idea about this deadline until we walked into the community centre last Wednesday where our tuition takes place each week. Now I of course understand that the tutors have no idea concerning my OCD or indeed any of my problems with the exception of the headaches and only because I have had to leave early on some occasions. However I was really in a turmoil when confronted with this fact and asked to sign on and complete a check list of finished assignments and write a comment to the tutor saying why things had been delayed - all of which I had completely forgotten to do. Furthermore I had to cope with doing so without a spell checker and finding my already poor spelling abilities have deteriorated still further as a result of dependency upon this innovation without which I would not be able to write as I do, while at the same time somehow having to cope with being introduced to a new prospective teacher who was there to learn the ropes. Well such my seem not a problem to most I guess, but who knows I think more people are feeling overloaded with sensory input in some way or another than they once did and consequently an extra pressure however small becomes greatly exaggerated.

I just cannot cope with doing more than one thing at a time. I felt completely overwhelmed and could barely cope concentrating on trying to spell and compose these comments in the appropriate field to send to the administrative offices who organise and monitor students course work. Indeed this was more than enough. I simply could not comprehended the instruction my tutor was trying to give me about the end of year assignments. I did feel rather self conscious knowing that quite possibly my inability was noticed. The tutor seemed rather surprised that she needed to explain what was required a few times and today I am still unsure but have completed this assignment which took hour hours. The whole course is only meant to last for a duration of ten hours or so. People do not understand that everything takes a long time for me to complete because of my disabilities. Yes I have created this website and also my son's but it has taken hours and hours due to my OCD, my inability to concentrate and to multitask - the modern terminology for doing too many things at the same times. I am not complaining these people have been just great, it has normally been a very laid back course and I have for the most part felt comfortable here without too many social pressures. Nonetheless on this particular day I did feel under pressure . I did say no I did not think I could complete this assignment in time. However I felt that somehow I just had to for reasons not easy to explain, perhaps some feeling of guilt compelled me to do so even after being reassured that it was not that important. I may have  even felt a bit of a failure if I did not, in fact I am not entirely sure what I felt . I felt compelled to do this so it could be said that in actual fact I heaped this pressure upon myself.

July 31st

The end of the month and hasn't time just flown again if I publish today which is unlikely, I am way behind and have not checked most of these entries as those who read my stuff will understand takes some time, I have only published twice this month despite the number of entries which are included. I am finding it increasingly difficult to do so and I do not know quite what to do. I am finding it more difficult to write and fear my renditions here are becoming more rambling and confused most probably because my life is becoming that way. I am less functional now than a year ago when I first began to compile this blog. But now at this time in my life I feel I cannot pusy-foot around and tread softly anymore analysing and fearing the consequences of everything that I write but rather increase my efforts to bear my soul here in my blog and make more effort to ignore such incapacitating introspection. I am feeling more depressed, my obsessions and compulsions are increasing daily along with my inability to concentrate, organise ........ well just about everything from which I suffer has taken a turn for the worse and I have no idea what to do about it other than carry on with this to the best of my declining ability. So if my entries appear disjointed rambling and rather muddled please understand this is happening because I am really not coping and my writing rather reflects my present state of mind which is like my writing rather muddled, disjointed, uncoordinated and confused.

I do not wish to end this month on a sour note so I will share with you a few jokes which yesterday had my brother-in-law and myself in stitches. My husband, brother-in-law and I were in the visitors centre of the Hamsterly Forest in the gift shop section. Here there were fridge magnets for sale upon which were written the following jokes:

“We have just child proofed the house, but they're still getting in.”

"It is morning... let the stress begin!" must buy that one for our fridge it is so appropriate in our household - well for my son and I

"Our family tree is full of nuts"  Couldn't be more true I am afraid.

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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Contact

I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.

All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.

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