All beings tremble before danger, all fear death. When a man considers this, he does not kill or cause to kill.
 
All beings fear before danger, life is dear to all. When a man considers this, he does not kill or cause to kill.
Buddha Dhammapada, 129-130
 

For instance I am an extremely angry person more so that you might imagine and the day of the attack of the young man and his girl friend my anger exploded life mount Vesuvius and I wanted to take real action and had I the necessary physical strength there would be four young men in hospital now - at least I would like to think so... But who knows . But my anger consumed me I shock with a rage that was indeed most terrible. Today at the very thought my anger consumes me and I despise utterly these evil no good thugs who take up space that other more noble creatures could occupy .

It is extremely difficult to describe the person that is me, the being that looks through these eyes, my thoughts, my beliefs and whatever it is that presents a facade that passes for me, as of course all ones personality is effected by OCD. I get angry that few really understand the difficulties that I am having despite my working myself to exhaustion in order to convey such an understanding. However I have to realise that there is no such thing as a theory of mind (Theory of mind - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia ) , at least in my opinion, and that no one is emphatic and no one really understands the sufferings of another, even of a fellow sufferer. For whoever we are or from what malady we suffer each and every person is unique, no two illnesses even physical ones manifest in entirely the same way. Neither does an individual's reactions to any illness present in the same way, such is effected by our world view, our up-bringing , our cultural heritage, even our material circumstance: I am sure that an aesthetically pleasing comfortable environment with no money worries, quite and peaceful would to a degree mitigate my depression in some situations other than of course the most dire. But there again this depends on other circumstances, Howard Hughes's wealth I would imagine made his OCD worse as he had less incentive perhaps to cope with his severe manifestation of contamination OCD. Much easier to give into ones fears when the means to do so are at ones disposal. For instance Hughes once burnt all his clothing, I assume due to contamination fears. Such an extreme behaviour would of course not be possible for most of us, but there again who knows during a severe contamination scare no ones knows what one would do, but generally the rest of us less financially able simply wash our cloths albeit with OCD behaviours such as repeated washing, soaking in disinfectant even bleach which was once the case for me during a particularly difficult time. All these variables, of which there are an infinite number, mean that no two of us are ever entirely the same and therefore our individual conditions will be effected accordingly.

The sad thing is we really can’t understand the sufferings of another, and in some ways this is a good thing, although we can feel so very very alone at times. But can you imagine for one moment what it would be like to feel the pain, the suffering and torment of others, to really have true empathy. I think that I only have a sense of empathy for people who are unhappy and this is more to do with transference of my own misery, applying mind states to other people which may not in reality exist. I believe none of us have true empathy and we fail to see others as real people with the same feelings wants, needs, fears , aspirations as ourselves. For indeed if such true empathy existed and could be experienced by every person there would be no evil in the world, no unnecessary suffering as the result of our lack of understanding that other people have feelings, that they too exist, that they can be hurt, that they too can feel pain, loneliness, joy, pleasure and indeed all the nuances of feelings that we as human beings can experience. And indeed animals. Many try to condone the evil of rearing and slaughtering animals for food by telling themselves that animals have no feelings that they have no soul or thinking mind. But those of you who own a dog or a cat no full well that this is not true. Animals experience a whole range of emotions and it cannot ever be argued that they do not feel pain and fear. To my way of thinking earth is more like some hell realm depicted in the religious mythology of just about every creed. How can it be otherwise. Think about it, isn't nature just awful the way one being preys on another for its survival.  However as human beings we should have long ago transcended this facet of existence and should have by now eliminated the slaughter of other beings for food, there is now no longer any reason to eat meat.  From my perception the rearing and slaughtering of millions of sentient beings is a horror straight from hell which preys on my mind, that weights down my heart and which I find increasingly more difficult to bear. At about this time of the year all those sweet adorable little lambs that people stop to admire and to take pictures of to hang on their walls will be rounded up taken from their mothers and killed. To me this is a horror that is unbearable. I recall after my sister died returning home to the shock of seeing the countryside suddenly deserted empty of these adorable innocent creatures who harm no one and it bought to my mind a great sadness.

It can be a very lonely experience sometimes, no not just having OCD but being alive . I think that those of us of a sensitive disposition notice this loneliness more than perhaps others do who successfully ignore or fail to recognise such feelings .

For most of the time despite my endeavour I fail to really tell you what it is like to have OCD and indeed all the other disorders and conditions from which I suffer, what it is like to be me, what ever that me is.

I hope to try to improve this and write how I feel without missing this or that out, hence the mention of my beliefs concerning the slaughter of animals for food and how it effects me. At times I have hesitated to do so for fear of causing upset or distress but unless I open up and share all the aspects of my existence I can never fully explain the true and complete nature of my OCD. In addition it would be nice if what I said did something to make people realise that all creatures wish to live and that all beings do indeed fear death and perhaps it is time we stopped this heinous atrocity which so many take for granted without thinking, which was the case for me also until about fifteen years ago before I became vegetarian.

"Eating meat causes environmental destruction, damages human health, contributes to global hunger and inflicts immense suffering on billions of animals across the world. Viva! believes that the solution to all these problems is in our own hands: the best way to stop the destruction and the cruelty is to stop eating animals now."

Please Visit Viva's website
Viva! - Vegetarians International Voice for Animals

Until the end of his long Life C.G.Jung often refused to write an autobiography stating that he considered that that no one was really capable of writing the truth about themselves. Perhaps this is true but I hope to try with more effort to overcome some of the obstacles to improving this and I now apologise if I inadvertently upset anyone in the process. This is a blog and a journal and it should contain my opinions on matters of religion, politics, and indeed anything and everything that comprises my personality, whether or not such is effected by OCD is I am afraid undeterminable for even I do not know which thoughts, beliefs and ideals arise from OCD or the person who I was meant to be or perhaps I should say the person I would have been had I not had the misfortune to have a neurological disorder called OCD which is further effected and compounded by Aspergers syndrome/social anxiety, hypochondria, fibromyalgia, migraine .. and well you know the list ... if you have been reading my blog that is.

July 15th

There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them.
Henry Wheeler Shaw
 

We live within in reasonable travelling distance of Lindisfarne,
The Holy Island of Lindisfarne.  also called holy island because of its history as the centre of Christianity here in the north east. The island was once solely inhabited by monks and the ruins of the priory remain to day in the care of English heritage. There is also of interest a 17th century castle , a nature reserve and stretches of shingle and sandy beaches. The tiny village has interesting shops with all sorts of  paraphernalia associated with Lindisfarne. The island is indeed a popular tourist attraction. The only problem is... it is an island. It is accessible by a causeway, however the causeway is only available at certain irregular times during the day in accordance with the movements of the tide which when it is in completely covers the mile long causeway, so visitors need to be mindful of the time tables as it is dangerous to be caught on the causeway as the tide comes in quite quickly. You can of course stay while the tide is in but for me this causes anxiety. We like to visit this island a couple of times each year despite the crowds but there is apprehension, a type of anxiety that is similar to OCD but really cannot be described as OCD, this kind of anxiety is more the result of what is called general anxiety with which I believe that most people with an anxiety disorder suffer in addition to their primary conditions. This kind of general anxiety also often includes a type of apprehensive unease resulting from kind of negative way of thinking called catastrophizing, and you may be surprised that many people do this even though for the most part they may not do so to the extent that this anxiety would be classed as an anxiety disorder.

Concerning staying in Lindisfarne whilst the tide is in, presents scenarios of disaster to some degree or another. Apart from the general feeling that one is trapped on this tiny island there is the anxiety concerning what would happen if I was taken ill. Even if it where not of a serious nature and would not warrant a visit to hospital it would be stressful nonetheless not being able to return home immediately, the very thought of which provokes fear. But what it I or my son or husband needed hospital treatment urgently? Yes a helicopter would be called in but when you have a fear of flying this is of little consolation. So I endeavour to leave the Island before the tide comes in. Of course a similar scenario could occur elsewhere in some of the more remote regions of the UK. But in the main this thought does not occur elsewhere. 

It is of course essential to check the time tables as it is very dangerous to make the crossing when the tide is coming in. However having undertaken the necessary checks that should be an end of the matter. For me however I am very careful, ever cautious I allow more than enough time to cross the cause way both to and from the Island, leaving at least an hour before it would be necessary to do so prompted by anxiety should there be a crush of people all trying to get out the car park at one time with the result of getting struck on the causeway with the tide coming in. Even when all such precautions have been undertaken still there is the, what will happen if the car breaks down on the course way scenario and we cant get it moving and the tide is coming in.

Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night.
Leo Aiken

If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It’s the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep.
Dale Carnegie

The best cure for worry, depression, melancholy, brooding, is to go deliberately forth and try to lift with one's sympathy the gloom of somebody else.
Arnold Bennett
 

July15th

Indecision is debilitating; it feeds upon itself; it is, one might almost say, habit-forming. Not only that, but it is contagious; it transmits itself to others.
H. A. Hopf
 

Another grey day, a thick fog hangs over the nearby fields if it were not for the humid temperature you would think it was November. The weather is having  a profound effect on all of us, my son in particular is effected by the dull dreary weather which has been with us since the end of April with only a few short respites. The forecast for this week is for unsettled weather which means more of the same. For people who suffer with depression this weather is a considerable detriment, it not only increases their depression but saps motivation. This is also the case for most people to some degree but for people with chronic depression it is a considerable blight particularly after looking forward to a good summer having been made confident by the incredibly warm and sunny April.

My husband appears less effected by the weather seemingly to take everything in his stride and he is willing to go along with plans for a day out even if it is pelting down with rain.  However this may result form his inability to cope with changing plans at the last minute rather than bloody minded determination to make the best of a bad situation. And indeed the effects of the weather has increased this problem with changing plans, which is a significant one also for both my son and I. Indecisiveness and anxiety over the least little change has us increasingly more and more stressed, unable to know what to do.  The inability to make a decision is quite a problem for people who suffer with anxiety and depression, indeed indecisiveness is a symptom of both depression and anxiety. Indecisiveness however increases anxiety which in turn increases indecisiveness it is cyclical and eventually one can find ones self in the position that one tries to avoid making even the simplest of decisions. In fact at times I can become anxious whenever the most inconsequential of decisions is required.

Indecision can become a huge problem and I increasingly begin to defer even the simplest of decisions or not changing from a prescribed course of action when something more suitable presents itself. Even something as common place as changing from one product to another becomes a source of anxiety.  After a time one feels that every decision is the wrong one and no matter what you decide as time passes you feel that you should have done otherwise. This sometimes occurs with even the smallest of decisions.

To someone reading this who does not suffer the torment of any mental affliction this problem may appear inconsequential, however if accompanied by a pervasive disorder of the mind such as OCD the addtion of such indecisiveness yet again compounds the anxiety of OCD as indecisiveness again generates more anxiety and increases of stress or anxiety accentuate OCD. Indecisiveness can really be a major problem in its own right. I know of someone who became virtually incapacitated by indecisiveness unable to make even the most basic of decisions to the extent that he could not marry the girl he loved and eventually he became dependant on others.

I am not at that stage and hopeful never will be, however indecisiveness can be quite a detriment nonetheless, in less extreme cases it is indeed inhibiting and at times incapacitating. For the OCD sufferer indecisiveness can be made worse of course by OCD, and OCD thinking adds to the mix of the opposing thoughts that whirl around and around in ones mind whilst in the process of decision making. In fact it was decision making that may well have precipitated the compulsive swearing of vows which presented, and continues to present to a great degree as part of my religious OCD. When a decision was required even the most inconsequential the compulsion beset me to swear an oath on someone's life that I would do this or that or conversely not do something. Often at times I ended up not being about do or behave in the way I would have wished because of the fear that the person named might die. This was a real torment and you can read about this facet of my OCD in detail in my memoir. I really do not feel inclined to discuss this further here, not just because it is unnecessary to do so as I have explained this bizarre OCD behaviour in great detail elsewhere, but rather it is because this is so painful for me to tell you now and may precipitate an increase in this compulsion.

One of the most trying and inhibiting areas where indecisiveness presents is in my art work. There are two anxieties which at times prevent me from picking up my paintbrush or pencil, one is fear of making mistakes resulting in imperfection, the other is indecision. (There is also  depression which I guess results from perfectionism and feeling I have no talent which in truth is the case according to my perspective but that is another matter for another time perhaps.) Often I simply cannot decide what to draw, fortunately, touch wood - another OCD obsession to have to say or in this case write touch wood when tempting fate by making  a positive statement and to also touch something made of wood as I am just about to do right now, and it has to be raw wood unpainted -  OCD does not come into the decision making problem concerning my art work. Nonetheless this inability to decide upon a  subject to draw, and it is mostly drawing rather than painting where decision making is the most problematic, is really a misery. Here I am struggling constantly to find distraction from my OCD only to find myself enmeshed in the torment of indecision which has to be overcome somehow otherwise it, much like OCD, could incapacitate me until such distractions become impossible to pursue. Life is such a struggle every minute of every day and at times I wonder if there is anything about my life that is normal.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure."
unknown

July 19th

I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it.
Elizabeth Wurtzel

In the library this afternoon I noticed a book something about ten ideas to combat depression. Although I feel rather sated with such ideas, feeling there is not much that will ever have any profound effect on my depression I picked up this book and indeed there was nothing particularly new, although I only briefly glanced over it, and all the exercises and programmes designed to help lift your mood where pretty much ideas I have heard before. There was a section about finding things within your life that you enjoy. There was also a practical assignment of writing them down and making a schedule during the day which allows you to pursue these pleasurable activities that have either given pleasure now or have done so in the past when perhaps you where either less depressed or not depressed at all. The latter state of being I cannot relate to and which I have not had any experience off during the last thirty or more years.

There was further advice about what to do if you where too depressed to complete such a schedule. There was nothing however about what to do if you are too depressed even to bother to check the book out of the library or purchase a copy if you were in a book store. Such books may be of help to those who suffer with milder depression but for others whose depression is deeper there is little of any real help as you may simply be to depressed to even take the book from the shelf, buy or borrow it, or even be in the library or bookstore let alone read and complete the exercise, albeit in smaller segments as suggested.

Today I was deeply depressed, both my husband and I were wandering about the city aimlessly, undecided where to go or what to do. The weather here has been just awful and the only day this week it has been fine we had a visitor who discussed some rather depressing issues. After which we came into town to wander about doing a bit of shopping which was not essential or urgent and which increased my anxiety. I am looking for clothes that will not drive me crazy due to sensitivity issues to rough clothing - and I am not talking about in comparison to normal standards - and clothing that feels comfortable, no tight or annoying features such as for example skirts which are now fashionable with clinging linings that wrap round your legs and are an irritation.

Here in the UK it is the tail end of the July sales and there are some quite cheap garments but there is anxiety about spending even the smallest amounts of money, particularly if I buy something that I cannot wear - I can’t try anything on because of the fear of OCD contamination, I feel contaminated and consider that I would contaminate the garment and I would therefore have to buy it so as not to contaminate for someone else, so there is no point trying it on. I tend because of this problem to buy cloths that are too big and consequently I am going about with a huge safety pin in a skirt to stop it falling down, once with disastrous and embarrassing consequences. So there is indecision here, much anxiety knowing which size... well there are so many things that have to be considered that my mind is in a whirl of confusion and we are in and out of shops feeling as though I simply want to go home and just manage with the cloths I feel comfortable in even though they are splashed with paint or just old and worn.

I am getting hotter as the temperature has increased, I can’t take off my coat because I feel awkward as I am wearing one of these comfy garments as I had felt too depressed to bother to change into something better but less comfortable. My husband who really does not understand all the complexity attached to this insists I buy the normal size and just to get some peace I do so in order to stop his nagging, which he sees as encouragement, and to stem the maelstrom of thoughts with all their negative scenarios, telling myself that I can try it on straight after a shower and putting on clean underclothes and if it does not fit returning it too the shop knowing that in reality the situation is such that even after all this cleansing I will be unable to return a garment I have tried on. I have many such cloths in my wardrobe, my husband forgets about them the way men do. I do feel guilty about the fear of causing harm which overrides the guilt of buying something I am unable to wear.

Feeling increasingly more depressed with indecision making it almost impossible to do much of anything we wander into the library to see if there are any books of interest, which in most cases there are not. For a city the library here is somewhat disappointing. I have read most of the books which are of interest to me. But I always check out the psychology books, books on religion, philosophy, esoterica, self help, art, travel and autobiographies. In the self help section there is the aforementioned book and yes I am by now simply too depressed to bother to borrow it to see if there is indeed any new ideas to alleviate depression.

This is one of the problems with depression, even mild or moderate depression if it is chronic will sap your motivation. It is like struggling against an immovable object of great resistance, it is the mental equivalent of trying to push against a brick wall and expect to be able to move it. At least it feels that way although that analogy is perhaps rather extreme. It is a constant battle against ones self, a divided self. The mind or whatever it is that makes you you and which recognises this depression as something with which it needs to contend tries to resist, but as this depression increases it becomes more of a struggle to push through this formidable barrier. You are constantly fighting against yourself, the depression aspect of yourself is not easily defeated and even if you do go against its inclination to literally immobilise you both physically and mentally there is no sense of satisfaction as a result of your efforts, as despite your pains you are still depressed, your heart is heavy there is that weight over your chest which is felt like an illnesses. Well most people experience this kind of feeling from time to time, most people know depression, misery, unhappiness even though it may not be chronic. Try to imagine that for me and others like me this feeling is there all the time to varying degrees, it never ever goes away. Sometimes it is less so and you can somewhat experience that feeling of ease from its clutches but nevertheless there is always a degree of depression remaining. Such respite in fact may highlight for you how deeply you are depressed and how life could be if only you could remain in this respite. And in fact in some way overall this may increase your depression as you know that for you you have to work at alleviating your depression and there are times no matter what you do you know that just can’t seem to bring about any lasting relief.

I guess that is how I feel right now. Each day is a struggle and oftentimes the effort of just trying not to sink too deeply into depression or to succumb to increasingly more and more things in my environment that seem to worsen my depression seems impossible. Naturally OCD and GAD are breeding grounds for depression, but there are other thoughts which are less obvious which oftentimes times go overlooked and which bring about a lowering of mood. These thoughts and perceptions seem to increase until you become so sensitive to any kind of real or imagined negativity, when the tiniest of problems seem huge and insurmountable. Moreover often the effects of trying to relieve your depression in fact increases your depression. So really one needs to look at depression, which although is a chemical imbalance to some degree, can also be caused or made worse by what we think and how we perceive any event in our lives from the insignificant to significant. But there again sometimes you can be so low in mood that you simply cannot be bothered to try, and sometimes the effort of so doing, and constantly looking for happiness can in itself be a frustrating exercise which brings about an increase in your depression and even make you feel guilty that you feel the way that you do.
 

July 19th

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.
Sylvia Plath

Well I do not feel much like writing today, in fact I am becoming increasingly depressed by my inability to express myself. I considered the above entry to be rather muddled, confused and I have read it over and over and cannot improve it and it is now only published in order that I can move on and hopeful forget about it. It is as though even the medium of writing is becoming a difficult way of communication. I have previously gone into much detail concerning the difficulties which I have with my writing; the OCD obsessions about saying something which may cause harm and so on. This anxiety has been accentuated recently as some people have misinterpreted some of the things I have written. In reality this may not even be my fault and may be a consequence of today's impatience which makes people rush through everything with the result that they either do not comprehend what I have said - or anyone else for that matter - or they simply misinterpret it. I do tend to over react, become anxious and depressed even though such misinterpretations are inconsequential and are either easily rectified or ignored.

I am also finding that indeed I am having difficulties understanding things I once understood or remembering what I have read with the consequence I begin to consider it not worth bothering to read at all, and I find myself thinking what is the point of reading this or that. Yes I do like to read complex books, I am not keen on fiction unless there is something to be learned from it . So it is depressing to find myself taking forever to read a relatively short book, to find myself abandoning it half way through because I either can’t comprehend or recall what I have read. And of course all this is in addition to my superstitious OCD concerning an unlucky number which interferes with reading.

It is my understanding that many sufferers of anxiety disorders find it difficult to concentrate on reading and this has been the case for me for a while now. Moreover if I look back over my life there have been many times when I have found myself struggling to read a book, particularly where there are unfamiliar words, such as foreign names or imaginary names such as those used in science fiction which I like to read, if I do read fiction. I have struggled to continue reading despite these difficulties but now I feel that this is such a huge struggle with little return other than feeling that I am loosing myself in my disorders if I do not persist with reading. As a child comprehension was difficult it was not easy to remember or relate to what I had read. In adulthood reading improved and I can as I have explained before understand some complex issues as I read however I cannot relate them either by speaking or writing about them and moreover just lately I have difficulty remembering what I have learnt. There was a time that I considered that I could understand nothing very complex until I realised that it was simply due to a lack of confidence, a kind of OCD doubting. This was particularly the case when at thirty two years of age I finally sat for two GCE courses and to my amazment passed both at A level despite thinking that I had understood nothing and would fail miserably. The doubting disease of OCD is indeed pervasive and more subtle than one might think.

Nonetheless learning is difficult it has and always will be a slow process for me and now as I grow older it is once again becoming more difficult to concentrate and comprehended. Yes I have learnt use a computer, it took eight months and lots of help from technical support and I have learnt to create a website but it was an enormous struggle, it did not come easily. With reading now I find myself having to read the same page twice, or after turning the page finding that I have completely forgotten what I have been reading. I am continuing to read C.G. Jung’s autobiography which at first seemed okay but now it is becoming complicated and nothing makes sense. Mind you his ideas are quite complex, bizarre in fact. Nonetheless I am becoming increasingly depressed by the fact that it is becoming more difficult to read anything. On the internet if faced with a lengthy piece of writing I have to make myself concentrate, the temptation is to give up and not bother. But somehow I have to struggle with this. Reading is important to me, when the headaches where at their most severe some seventeen years ago when they first began to present everyday, besides the pain the headaches where a misery because I missed reading as the headaches where simply too severe to do so.

I know that I write so much here and now with the increase in such difficulties of concentration and comprehension I do wonder if anyone else with an anxiety disorder is having these difficulties, and if in fact anyone is really in a position to read what I write.

I guess I am really feeling miserable today and well most days. There seems to be more of my life effected by depression and OCD and it is a real battle sitting here today trying to explain to you this problem. 

July 20th

A question on an AS forum I was visiting went something like this:

Did you chew or twirl your hair as a chid?

As a child! What about as an adult? I twirl my hair,  is that not normal than? Anyone else twirl their hair? Is this an Aspie thing.

Yes I continue to obsess about whether or not I have AS and tonight I am scouring the AS forums which are in fact the best places to find out what it is like to have AS. Since publishing the articles on my website and sending my doctor the shorter version of the two I have obsessed less about this but still there is the need to know one way or another. Although this need is now less urgent as I have now done all I can do to get a diagnosis unless I can summon the nerve to trawl round the internet and ask the experts in this field to read my articles and give me their opinion. I am not sure I have the confidence, at least not right now. After all these days it seems everyone is just too busy and even the short article is long.

Incidentally despite the previous entry concerning my anxieties about memory, comprehension, and reading I continue to read with more ease books on autism in general and of course AS and it has in itself become a perseveration, an obsessive interest in its own right and not just because my son has AS or my endeavours to ascertain if I too have this condition. I guess with reading I have to have this excessive interest and without it my mind finds it even more difficult focus.

Whilst visiting AS forums I came across the  link below to an on-line test which measures your memory, your visual and face recognition; difficulty with recognising faces is called Prosopagnosia. Some people, and this includes myself, have difficulties remembering faces. Many people with AS have this difficulty although it is not in the diagnostic criterion.

To take the test click   Visual and Face Recognition Tests on the Internet.

Allow yourself time, you need a good fifteen minutes, more if possible. I was distracted so try to find a quite time when you will not be disturbed.  my results indicated difficulty with face recognition I had a percentile of 1.

July 26th

There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall.
Colette
 

My son who has Aspergers syndrome AS is becoming increasingly more depressed. I simply do not know what to do, it is a difficult situation. Today he had a routine consultation with the doctor who has increased his medication.  Medication seems to take the edge of his depression, at least for a while, nonetheless periodically he has episodes of a more profound type of depression, which saps completely the little motivation which he has. Our situation is difficult because we are all three of us suffering from a mental health problem of one type or another, depression being common to the three of us. My husband is depressed but seems not to recognise or accept this and I believe that this can happen because either the person has not experienced these feelings before, (however this is difficult to imagine as most people have unhappiness from time to time which although it is not depression as such nevertheless provides a modicum of insight into what it is like to be depressed) or he has been chronically depressed for so many years that such feelings are experienced as normal. My husband's depression in retrospect has always been present perhaps but mild and I have probably been so embroiled in my own suffering that I did not notice. His depression however is worse since he was made redundant and we came to live here in the northeast where our lives have been difficult for so many reasons, some of which have been explained in my blog and elsewhere on my website. Both my son and I consider that also my husband may have some form of mild autism. He is very withdrawn, to some degree he always has been lost in his own world and this is increasingly more so now. I know that many people may think I have an obsession with autism and it is inconceivable that each member of a family can have some aspect of this condition and this is really just some OCD obsession of mine, and that in reality this is unlikely to be any more relevant than the rest of my more obvious manifestations of OCD. Moreover many people  have the erroneous concept that people with a diagnosis of autism make up only the two the two extremes of this condition, the child sitting in a corner rocking lost in his own world or the autistic savant portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in the film Rain Man. There are however variations, gradations, autism is a spectrum, a continuum and includes ADD, ADHD, AS in addtion to  Kanner's Autism which in itself consists of varying degrees of functionality. There are degrees of severity as there are in any condtion. Furthermore it is my opinion that there is a connection between autism and OCD as both condtions seem to appear in the same families.

Although strictly speaking AS is a learning disorder, people with this condition however experience depression and anxiety disorders, most commonly obsessive compulsive behaviours which if severe may warrant a separate diagnosis of OCD. My son has OCD traits and has a diagnosis of anxiety and depression. It is the depression and anxiety that makes life difficult for him. Such is due to and accentuated by social interaction problems which make if difficult for him to make friends or have any kind of close relationship with others. It is a catch twenty two situation for many people with AS. Often the person with AS wants to have friends and wishes to socialise but is unable to do so, and this is the nature of this lonely condition, in social interaction and in other aspects of his existence he is a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  Since moving here to the Northeast my son has neither sought nor made friends and has now rather accepted the situation, which is not a good thing. His anxiety has increased and he now finds as I do that even the least degree of inconvenience or obstacle in life is seen as huge and insurmountable, making a mountain out of a mole hill rather fits the description of this type of thinking which results from prolonged anxiety. The medication he says helps him to be less stressed but still his anxiety and stress are nonetheless significant.

For most of the time there is little association between ourselves and other people, other than each other we have little contact with anyone. My son's and my social activities are limited to a
befriender , a volunteer from a charity who visits with a person who is isolated by circumstances of illnesses. For instance my son's befriender was arranged for him through the autistic society, mine through a local charity for the mentally ill. 

A lot of extra tension arises with the interaction which occurs between the three of us, and often our obsessions, and yes my husband also displays some mild obsessive compulsive behaviours as a result of depression, are incongruous and incompatible to the extent that we often upset one another. Depression is in a way "infectious" not in a literal sense of course but one person's mood effects another's, particualry when living together. So life is very difficult for all of us and it is inconceivable that patients with mental health problems and conditions such AS are treated in isolation. In the USA according to my understanding family therapy is a common practice yet here in the UK there is no equivalent. It is very difficult to make progress in isolation and in some instances your progress could have an adverse effect on another family member. For instance some years ago a psychologist wanted to come to my home for desensitisation therapy for my contamination OCD. This would probably involve me deliberately contaminating my home with "unclean hands" in the OCD sense. However my son having mild OCD traits and who was not receiving therapy would find that his home had become contaminated, at least according to his perspective, and he would not be able to cope and this may even have resulted in a worsening of his symptoms. Imagine you have OCD and someone came into your home and deliberately contaminated it and you now felt that all your possessions where contaminated, how anxious  and yes frightened you would be.  You might be so traumatised by this that your OCD becomes as a consequence more severe as you are now unable to cope with this sudden increase in contamination which until now you had carefully avoided. Everyone has to feel ready for desensitisation therapy, it will not work if it is forced upon you and it may even have the reverse effect. For all intents and purposes if I had accepted this offer of desensitisation therapy it could have made my son's situation worse . So in some cases you have to consider the effects on other family members if they also have a similar condtion. So you see there may be times when therapy should involve the whole family in a controlled organised way.

No I am not complaining about the health service, I understand that resources are finite and that perhaps such is at this time impossible. However there should be more effort made to improve health care for the mentally ill and for others in society who struggle with chronic illnesses, more should be done to treat a family as a whole rather than treat anyone in isolation. Yes it is often said that we expect too much from others, from society in general, but hey we are supposed be a progressive society, we consider ourselves the highest evolved creature on the planet although in my opinion this is debatable. Should not our progress include societies' acceptance that many people need care, that many people cannot function alone and that yes indeed many people are dependent on others, on society, on social services and charities for their welfare and survival. But do not forget that many people who cannot function independently nevertheless have the same aspirations as anyone else and moreover with a little support many may be more able to contribute to society in some way, but without such support they cannot do so. My son has a talent for art, it comes naturally but his depression and anxiety is destroying his creativity, but with a little structured help and support he could perhaps use his talent to benefit himself and others, not necessarily in terms of finance for most artists  paint  to enhance their own lives and the lives of others. Such was Van Gough motivation for painting.

July 26th

We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic.
Cullen Hightower
 

I really ache just awful today. I have fibromyalgia, no formal diagnosis of course but that is most certainly what these aches and pains are.  I over did it the other day cleaning the sitting room from top to bottom because of all the flies which we keep getting seemingly out of nowhere.  Over exertion is not good for fibromyalgia so this morning I am suffering with a dramatic increase in aches and pains.

As a rule, what is out of sight disturbs men's minds more seriously than what they see.
Julius Caesar

When we came back from a trip out to Castle Howard in Yorkshire, where incidentally the popular 1980s TV series Brides Head Revisited was filmed we came home to a sitting room full of flies, it felt like a scene from the film the Amityville Horror ... well... rather an exaggeration, there where half a dozen or so big blow flies which for a contamination OCD sufferer indeed feels scary but in a different way. It had been a pleasant day out despite my anxiety that I might get a migraine and or it might be the day flying ants fly as they do about this time of year and of which I am extremely phobic with the result of very audible screaming and panic which unlike the more chronic type of anxiety cannot be hidden. The day had been pleasant notwithstanding the usual anxiety about toilets and panic over twinges of headaches, getting lost in the woods and checking for evidence that the ants where not flying and worrying about being too far from the car should this happen. Than to arrive home and find these flies. I wonder sometimes if there is any peace in this world and life to me appears to be one problem after another and not even one day can pass without something new with which to contend. My son says it looks like they have hatched although flies don't hatch in the literal sense of the meaning as they of  cause morph from maggots which are hatched from eggs the fly lays on rotten food. Nothing of this sort would exist within my home of course, but they have most definitely come from somewhere inside the house.

Freaked out as it is because of contamination fears concerning the flies my anxiety and indeed my son's is compounded as the toilet pipe that feeds the water to flush the bowel is leaking!  The seal has broken. A hasty dash to the local DIY before closing we buy seals which don't work and break. What to do, more anxiety, these days after recent experiences we are loathed to call out a plumber as we plain and simply trust no one. Finally my husband remembers we are insured with the local water company who have a twenty four hour call out service, but when we enquire it is not an emergency and someone will call the next day. Therefore over night we have to use buckets to flush the toilet, an anxiety provoking and exhausting task. Worry worry so many catastrophizing scenarios: will the whole system need replacing, will we need a new toilet, how will we afford it? The next day the plumber came, fixed the problem in a short time and actually devised us not to get a new modern system which is unreliable.

But today there is still the flies which keep appearing. I cannot of course kill them and we have to try and get them to go out the window or catch them in a glass. But where are they coming from? I determined to clean the sitting room from top to bottom and to try to locate where they keep coming from. It is stressful and exhausting and takes most of the day. But still we find no trace of how these files keep getting in and still today some three days on every now and again one or two appear, there is one now here this morning trying to get out of the closed window. And still as far as I know those flying ants have not yet flown so today although the sun shines and there is promise of fine weather I will still be anxious and watchful and nervous about going out. However as there is no definite day upon which these creature fly, but it is usually the end of July early August, I cannot of course stay indoors for such a length of time.

When you have so many obsessions, compulsions, phobias and suffer with depression life is indeed difficult and what other people take in their stride I and others like me can barely cope as after a while more and more aspects of your life seem increasingly more difficult to deal with. For instance now my glasses are smeared, it really irritates me, but really it is no big deal even though because of my aching muscles it is difficult for me to get down stairs to the bathroom to clean them, nonetheless there is an overreaction of great irritation and angst regarding this relatively minor inconvenience.

July 30th

Well today after more than the usual amount of anxiety I finally publish the last few days entries. Sometimes it can be just so frustrating to have OCD and the torment is awful and you are at times tempted to just give up and let it have its own way. I try to persist and carrying on and work round my OCD however the OCD manifestations which interfere with my writing are becoming an increasing battle to contend with. Sometimes I think that it is only from sheer exhaustion and apathy borne of the anxiety and constant checking that finally induces me to publish my entries.

I cannot believe that OCD arises from anxiety that anxiety and life circumstances brings about this condition. Rather I consider that OCD is a neurological condtion with psychological components , the individual manifestations of which are the result of up bring, life circumstances , ones world view and indeed ones interests all shape the type of OCD from which we suffer. Note all obsessions and compulsions focus upon what means the the most to us or what we are involved in, our interests for example, until I created this website the anxiety about writing and the obsessions and compulsions which accompany it where not as severe as they are now. What do you think is the cause of OCD?

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I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.

All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.