July 2nd

IFAW | TAKE ACTION : Save Elephants from slaughter

Some years I do not recall this event and I can miss it if I happen to be indoors but now after this news cast I am hypersensitive and anxious and I am even thinking about staying at home. But the problem is no one can accurately predict when these ants will fly; sometimes it is in late July but sometimes not until August. This year this fear really has been bought to the fore and has now gone from being a phobia to a phobic obsession. It is my understanding that a phobia becomes more of an obsession if the fear gives rise to obsessive-compulsive thinking as the acute fear or phobia is actuated by obsessive thoughts and compulsions. Let me explain this by giving you an example. My son has arachnophobia- fear of spiders. He is genuinely phobic. Mostly however his fears do not arise until he is confronted by his fear i.e. if a spider scuttles across the floor. This is a phobic reaction, it is acute and remains only whilst he is confronted by his fear. When the spider is removed his fear gradually subsides and does not bother him until his next exposure to spiders. Such phobias become obsessions or phobic obsessions if for instance the fear of spiders begins to occupy his thoughts and he than begins to anticipate the possibility of becoming exposed to his fear. If as a result of these anxieties or obsessive thinking he than begins to check his bedroom, his bed, his cloths and so on for spiders it than becomes more like an obsessive-compulsive behaviour. Also if he begins to avoid certain places or situations where he may be confronted by spiders this also adds an obsessive-compulsive dimension to the original phobia; for instance if he does not go into the loft or the garden or wherever he thinks spiders may lurk. Avoidance is as much a part of obsessive-compulsive behaviour as is the carrying out of compulsions to mitigate such fears, such as checking ones immediate and personal environment for spiders. For many people with severe phobias the fear of confronting the object of their fear takes on an obsessive- compulsive quality and it than begins to absorb and take over their lives in a more pervasive way, in the way I have already described.

Any phobia which in itself can be a severe detriment if it is as pervasive as for example agoraphobia or social phobia can be made even more incapacitating if it becomes a phobic obsession. For instance social phobia can become obsessive-compulsive when the sufferer not only becomes anxious in social situations but begins to anticipate such situations, ruminates upon anticipated situations, avoids social situations and checks for the likelihood of impending social situations in order to void them. Such as for me checking that there is no one in the street before rushing to the post box to post a letter so I do not get caught up in a social encounter, a situation which will cause anxiety. In my personal opinion there is a fine dividing line concerning the classification of anxiety disorders involving excessive fearful reactions whether such is diagnosed as a phobia or as obsessive-compulsive behaviour. Often a phobia may evolve into an obsessive-compulsive behaviour and vice versa. I am mildly phobic of spiders but mostly now the fear is acute, more like a specific phobia and only if the spider is particularly huge in which case loud screaming and hysteria can be heard. Once my husband had to come home from work to remove an enormous spider, the like of which I have never seen before. I cannot of course kill anything as this is against my ethical considerations so these creatures have to be carefully removed unharmed. But once it was gone my fear subsided; I did not become anxious of the possibility of another encounter or check my home for spiders or avoid the area in which the spider appeared. This type of reaction is definitely a regular phobia so to speak with no
obsessive-compulsive components. However in my childhood this phobia was more obsessive-compulsive in nature. At one time I had an enormous fear of spiders, this phobia made my life a nightmare, not only did I freak out if I came across a spider but I would check my bedroom every night, every nook and cranny, this would take some time and irritated my parents. After this check I would go to bed but only with the light on and until I fell asleep I would scan the room for the possible incursion of a spider. Later at school I overcome this fear to a degree as one year the school seemed plagued by these creatures which the other children collected. I was tormented because of my fears and eventually as a result of such teasing I attempted to pick one up after which the fear of this particular type of spider - small middle, long thin legs - was less of problem and the
obsessive-compulsive component of this fear diminished.

July 21st

The heat is just awful, it is 9.55 pm and it is unbearably hot. Here in the UK temperatures have soared to extremes rarely experienced. Last night I could hardly sleep. I cannot of course have the windows open as the noise room the factory is louder than usual. In addition to the wood burner the lights are on in the front of the building this means that they are doing a nightshift. Now here it is unbearably hot yet these people cannot even make a small concession and turn off the dam wood burner during this exceptionally hot spate. Now is that too much to ask. I cannot help being angry. It is the twenty first century and still it appears we have few rights - at least when comes to peace and quiet. Now I ask you is it reasonable for me to expect that any factory, shop or other place of work from which a persistent nose is emanated should be allowed to work throughout the night. I am really utterly sick and tired of the way these people seem to have cart blanch to do whatsoever they dam well please. I wonder if the managing director with whom I have spoken many times concerning this problem would like to sleep in a cramped room on an exceptionally hot summer’s night with the windows shut too and have to somehow sleep in a sweltering room where you feel as thought you will suffocate. It is believe me impossible to have the windows open, I would not be able to sleep due to the tortuous sound of the wood burner. I wonder if such a situation occurred in his village if he would think that he was justified to run this machine without any regard to residents. They cannot make the least concession such as turn it off during the evening and at weekends even just shut it off at the weekend so at least I could look forward to a couple of nights of peace, but no the wheels of industry so it would seem consider no one only profit. All I am asking for now is that they switch the dam thing off during the night-time thought out this very hot spell. Not unreasonable and also it would be nice if they discontinued the nightshift during this time as this adds greatly too the noise and besides should people be working during this hot period. Now it would seem that the mad dog the English man not only works in the mid day sun as the saying goes but he now also works all night as well and such is becoming increasingly common place and acceptable despite the detrimental effect this has on all concerned. After all people here in the UK are not used to such extremes of temperature. Tomorrow it is expected to be as high as 36 degrees centigrade, the hottest temperatures in July since records began since records began.

Yes I know you  have heard it all before and I apologise for the repetition but I just had to give vent to my feelings

July25th

I am once again posting entries after a break to revamp my website, a very difficult endeavour and one which I have not as yet fully completed. I have spent countless hours re-designing my web pages and it has been frustrating and stressful to the extreme. I will continue to redesign my website but after a break. A chance to recoup some of my depleted energy. The problem concerning these frustrations does not just arise from difficulties with the software and the technical know how but rather some of these difficulties lie within my decreasing ability to cope with the amount of organisation and concentration that is required. I believe that I have always had an attention deficit problem, possibly ADD and as those of you know who have read my memoir I have  most certainly had trouble with my memory.  Right from my first visit to a psychiatrist when I was only three years old a problem with memory was highlighted. Both the ability to pay attention, to be able to remember what to do and of course the ability to organise play a vital role in the creation and maintenance of any website.

Stress due to OCD, depression and of course headaches and other illnesses increases these disabilities still further and my ability to perform tasks which require concentration, a good memory and organisation. I find satisfaction in a creative way from designing my website but it never really works out the way I intend, things go wrong with the software and there are other technical problems however a lot of these difficulties arise from the problems mentioned above and the more I stress the more the aforementioned problems increase and after a while brain fog adds further to my difficulties and what once brought satisfaction begins to bring misery. However I persevere because this website does bring about it some satisfaction albeit at great cost, when  someone writes to me telling me that something I have written has helped them it makes all my frustrations well worth it.

Nevertheless despite my determination during the last three weeks that I have been revamping my website I have become concerned about my ability to focus and concentrate and more importantly I have become concerned about the decline in my memory. Often I forget something that after nearly two years of being on line should now be so habitual that I should not need to concentrate at all, but then perhaps that is the problem as my mind than wonders off somewhere and mistakes are made and concentration is lost. I am at an age when it is expected that my memory will begin to decline and this seemingly sudden decease in my ability to remember is worrying and of course the more I worry the less I am able to concentrate, remember anything or organise anything! Moreover fibromyalgia adds to the mix as decreases in both memory and concentration are symptoms of this condition. So I really feel overwhelmed, anxious and depressed by what I perceive as yet again the perversity of life and the seemingly never ending struggle to overcome the continual stream of adversity which besets me. Just lately it is as though everything I do is a mammoth endurance test and I become irritated and frustrated. I have a short fuse and it is often a monumental  struggle to bite my tongue and not to keep snapping at people, sounding irritated and or impatient along with other unsocial displays of my increasing stress. I feel wired all the time, tense, uptight and I really do not know quite what to do about it any more.  Just now as I am writing a CD fell from my desk and I was irritated picking it up and throwing it back where if belonged, my body tensing, my whole system on edge. An over-reaction I know. I hit the wrong keys more frustration. I am uncoordinated my brain will not do several things at the same time. I have told you about this before. I cannot spell so expressing myself is a huge task of firstly:   trying to compose what I intend to write, to put my thoughts down into words, a difficult task at the best of times. Secondly having to think how to spell whilst at the same time hitting the correct keys. This does not happen with any regularity and I look up, as I cannot touch type, to see dozens of red squiggly lines indicative of typing or spelling errors. More irritation and frustration. Whilst trying to type I often have to think carefully about words that  I can spell as much as those I can't as I simply cannot coordinate placing my fingers on the keyboard whilst composing my text and concentrating on spelling . Than of course there is the added problem of all my rumination and checking which is getting worse. No wonder my concentration and memory is so poor: it is my opinion that ones brain can only cope with so much and overloading it increases such problems as lack of concentration and poor memory. There is after all, to use an analogy with computers, only so much memory on the hard drive  and unlike a computer I cannot have an upgrade, mores the pity.

 I just wish I could throw caution to the wind and publish all the articles and other ramblings that I hesitate to publish because of my fear of causing harm. Ohhhhh life is so frustrating when you have OCD. I berate myself for my lack of courage but my fears centre around harm coming to others and it is this fear that is so difficult to overcome as I cannot convince myself that what I do will not have such an effect. No matter how often I tell myself that these thoughts arise due to a neurological disorder (OCD) the thoughts nonetheless seem real to real to ignore. They are the type of thoughts which no matter how much I rationalise them still remain for me within the  realms of possibilty.

Anyway without further rambling I am back to bloging an addiction that I have missed over the last three weeks although I did write a couple of entries included above.

I have to go now, I have to reluctantly tear myself away from my rambling and get lunch another OCD nightmare of hand washing, crockery washing, anxiety,  rumination and frustration ... What a life....

July26th

But for the sake of some little mouthful of flesh we deprive a soul of the sun and light, and of that proportion of life and time it had been born into the world to enjoy.

Mestrius Plutarchus

It's still sooooo hot, yesterday I was on the verge of hysterics on the way to do the shopping, being outside was like stepping into an oven and I was grateful for the cool interior of the supermarket. On Monday we went to Mallen Cove in Yorkshire, a long trip, when we arrived at the village it was just too hot to make the half mile or so walk to the cove. I guess we here in the UK are not used to temperatures in the 30s. I am irritable and more anxious, the heat may also be responsible for an increase in headaches, As I write now it is unbearably hot at 6.45 I don't know how I will get through the day. There is a promise of thunderstorms today I sincerely hope that these will bring about a decrease in the heat and humidity.

I feel sorry for animals during this time. As we drove through the dales it was obvious that farm animals were distressed by this searing heat with little shelter to provide shade, sheep cows and pigs laying languidly, a struggle to find a slither of shade from the unremitting heat in some of the more barren treeless landscape. Most often you will see sheep and cows in fields where there is no shade at all, no walls, trees or even large rocks. Often there is no water!  Surely farmers should be required to provide a trough of water for these animals. I think that farmers generally do not appear to have much concern for the welfare of their animals surely it cannot be that difficult to erect a wooded shelter, a barn perhaps that animals my retreat to during hot or inclement weather. I feel keenly the suffering of such creatures, and please do not tell me that animals do not have feelings and they do not notice. Someone actually said this to me. Here is photograph of a tiny lamb crouched against a rock struggling to find a small patch of shade on this hot day of unrelenting sun shinning from a clear blue sky.

Click on image to view larger version which will open in a new window.

	A tiny lamb struggles to find shade from the heat of the sun

Of course at this time of the year there is a sharp decrease in the numebr of these cute little lambs; the rams, and I would imagine some of the ewes, which are not to be used for breeding are sent to the abattoir. This awful event haunts me as I do not see animals as commodities but as beings who have their own existence and have as much right to their lives as we do. This time of the year makes me sad. I  think about this each time I see these little creatures so full of life, so attached to their mothers. Their fate haunts me and is for me a great sadness, one of the many dreadful things that mar this beautiful world, but it is one dreadful event that could be avoided. I can imagine the dreadful fear of these creatures taken from their mothers, herded into the confined space of a  truck crammed tight against each other, no room to sit down, no room to move in this terribly hot July to make their way to die after so short a life. There is no need to eat meat to feed the worlds population, in fact less people would starve if we did not eat meat, much of the rainforest is destroyed to provide land to grow feed for cattle, cattle whose lives are wretched, force feed with antibiotics, growth  hormones and goodness knows what else. Please visit the website below. This is the website of VIVA, Vegetarians International Voice for Animals, an animal welfare group which does not advocate violence but endeavours to change the situation by encouraging people to become vegetarian.

"Eating meat causes environmental destruction, damages human health, contributes to global hunger and inflicts immense suffering on billions of animals across the world. Viva! believes that the solution to all these problems is in our own hands: the best way to stop the destruction and the cruelty is to stop eating animals now. Through popular campaigns, solid research, undercover exposés and effective media skills we have brought the reality of modern farming into people's living rooms. We have enlightened millions, shocked most and changed the diets of many. You can help with these successes." Viva

Viva! - Vegetarians International Voice for Animals

Sorry if what I say upsets anyone, this is not my intention but my blog is about more than my OCD, it is also about my thoughts, the thoughts that make me the person I am,  thoughts which I hope are the real me and not too effected by OCD. I am passionately concerned about the hideous cruelty that is inflicted upon countless millions of sentient creatures who have as much right to their existence as we do, to live the natural course of their lives without interference or abuse  I rarely give vent to my thoughts on animal rights, politics or religion but just now and again I would like to share such thoughts as they are of course a part of who I am and belong here in a blog which is also a personal journal.

July 27th

There is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.
Graham, Martha

I might be back to bloging but still publishing presents the usual problems concerning anxiety about what I write. I am becoming most concerned about this as it is becoming an increasing struggle for me to publish anything without being  overwhelmed by doubts and anxieties which are making me increasingly depressed. If you do not suffer in this way you will probably not understand what all the fuss is about. My husband and son really do not appear to understand; my son has mild OCD as part of his Asperger syndrome but nonetheless seems unable to understand my problems in this regard and as an aspie he of course is less able to put himself in my shoes. My husband is simply rather preoccupied and depressed. I have in recent years come to the conclusion it is really impossible to understand or really empathise with anyone who is experiencing something you have never or rarely experienced. I believe that even amongst fellow OCD sufferers it is not always that easy to really empathise or understand another's obsessions and compulsions that are different from ones own although of course I understand the fear and the emotional pain. In fact fear, depression and other negative states of mind are really the only emotions that I can empathise with but that is another subject for another discussion or another ramble for another entry or even an article. Suffice it to say that this problem with doubt and publishing is causing me great emotion pain, it is enhancing my depression and inhibiting my free flow of expression and somehow I have to get though this as all the indecision, rumination, anxiety and procrastination are increasingly bringing about failure to publish articles I have been working on for hours. I did say before I had a break from bloging that I would try to upload entries as they are written, I will eventually try this but right now  I need to concentrate all my energies on this problem with checking my writing over and over, doubting and all the rest of the problems which inhibit and delay publishing.  So for now I will continue to publish entries in the same way as I have always done previously and that is several at one time.

I have several articles, written if these suddenly appear on my website you will know I am making progress.

Also it would be a huge help if you the visitors to my website and blog  would send in your stories about your condtion, graphics of your art work, stories, or other creative writing  poetry, articles and other artistic accomplishments. Articles need not necessarily be about OCD, write an article about your interests, your ideas, your thoughts.. . I am trying to set up a webpage for people to share with one another their interests or hobbies, so please write about such and share photographs if you wish with other sufferers concerning your pass-times. You may be a film fan, a book worm , well share your favourite books, films or TV programs with other sufferers. You may be a sports enthusiast, a keen gardener, a rambler, you may collect memorabilia  whatever your interest or hobby however unusual all will be welcome. You may of course remain anonymous. There is more to us than our respective illnesses and sometimes we need to focus on this part of our personality which is often buried under an avalanche of obsessive- compulsive thoughts and behaviours. There may be times however when you 're so overwhelmed by your OCD that your interests are set aside and this has happened to me throughout the duration of my illness. Also OCD can interfere with your hobbies or pass-times or indeed any endeavour, as it is trying to do with me and this website. But if you can persevere and try to either overcome OCD's attempts at sabotaging your interests as it does in every aspect of your life you will find that the diversion and distraction brought about as a result of  your interests is a boon towards helping you cope with your OCD, particularly as a way to combat unwanted intrusive thoughts. But of course I know there are times when such is not possible but please if anyone can contribute one or more of the above suggestions that would be marvellous. We need a little positivity, something to give ourselves and others hope that at the end of the day we managed to do something however small, by the consensus of normal people, unhindered by this very incapacitating illness. Often a  seeming small accomplishment is only obtained with mammoth effort, something that non sufferers need to understand and appreciate.

It is time to add a  little positivity, there should be some opportunity from the list above for some of you to send in something to make this website more positive, more about you, the real you that lies underneath all the garbage and destructive potential of OCD.

Please write in with any of the above, you do not necessarily have to suffer with the condtions on this website, any sufferer of a mental health or neurological disorder may contribute. 

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
Albert Einstein

July28th

Check out updates on my son's very creative website: New photographs, including free wall paper to download - look out for atmospheric photographs. Also four new articles.

Fine Art

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Disclaimer : No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links including blogs:

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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Contact

I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.

All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.