Indeed I am glad Christmas is over and again consider really giving it a miss next year we as we have done so for many years, yet there are strange pangs of regret at its passing, and despite all the misery which comes at this time I still cling to whatever it is we all seem drawn to at this time of year despite religious believe or lack thereof. Of course misery happens all year round however at this time of the year it seems more accentuated and the arrival of Christmas often brings back floods of unhappy memories less noticed when they occur at other times of the year. Well not so much less noticed but better understood by others. Not explaining myself well here... oh well it really doesn't matter does it, its so difficult to get people to understand how you feel at the best of times. And over the years I wonder if it really matters or not what other people think. At Christmas  It’s like you have to be happy no matter that you are dying inside from unhappiness.  Rather like a holiday; you have to enjoy your holidays even though they may have been a bloody nightmare. Someone I know has had some awful holidays yet she can't say so in so many words and either avoids talking about them or tries to find something good to say. Why not simply be honest, it you are unhappy and Christmas was a nightmare, your holiday was a disaster well why not say so. There is nothing wrong in feeling unhappy or finding life so difficult that your cannot even present a facade of coping, in fact so doing I think increases your emotional pain.


January 7th

It has snowed intermittently throughout the night, sometimes quite heavy and this morning we have quite an accumulation. The sky is grey leaden with cloud. One good thing about living on a main on is that we can at least get out of the street if we do need to go out and for now the roads are clear although traffic is moving slowly, but as the temperature will remain around freezing all day, further snow will soon settle if it starts again. The forecast is for more snow and the continuation of artic conditions. I was awake at 3.30 this morning up at 4am. Its a long time during the winter months to be awake when most everyone is still sound asleep and you feel it will never get light. During this time thoughts are more dark, more troublesome albeit not to the extent they would be if I remained in bed. Nonetheless ominous thoughts concerning the present weather conditions appear to being on a headache although I have so many so frequently it is difficult to ascertain if anything in particular triggers them. Such thoughts include the fear of power cuts, we are all electric even the gas central heating depends on electricity so we would indeed be in dire straits. The news that over a thousand people somewhere in the country, not sure were, are without electricity due to snow bringing down power cables feels me with dread. I even had some considerable anxiety about a remark my son made yesterday about the gulf stream collapsing, a possible scenario of climate change. Here in the UK the gulf stream effects our weather, we are on the same altitude as Siberia! Without the gulf stream we would have similar weather conditions.

I worry worry worry all day, there is no moment of peace anymore, or satisfaction for that matter; if I do one thing I think I should have done another. I worry about the birds in our garden, the sheep in the nearby fields and try to resist the urge to check if they are okay. I worry we will run out of bird food, we have two feeders in the garden and have regular visitors, mostly sparrows and black birds and I am anxious that they depend upon us supplying their food . So after a lot of agonising, anxiety about a slight headache, we brave the weather to try and get more food even though in reality we have enough for several days. The sun is shinning but it is still below freezing, but not snowing although there are clouds on the horizon. But how anxious I have been made to feel, anxious because there have been severe weather forecasted right through January. Its a nightmare although the salted roads are sort of passable they are very slushy in places . A council truck goes by splashing slush over the windscreen! oh boy do I panic. Blasted truck should slow down . Speaking of salt, people from other villages keep turning up and stealing our salt, salt left in various places throughout the village which the council leave for you to use in your own neighbourhood for the road and pavements. We live were we have an easy view of who comes and goes. Because we are not too good at face recognition one or two of our neighbours have been challenge by my husband. Personally I think we should not interfere, at least not so frequently sometimes your life is just too difficult to be worrying about other people, at least regarding such trivial matters, but somehow my husband sees it has his responsibility and besides we do need the salt and grit. And yes it does make me mad. the council do not provide nearly enough salt but to take someone else's... The way people behave I will never understand. Maybe not the crime of the century but if you have an important appointment, a medical emergency and you can't get your car out because some uncaring selfish so and so has stolen your streets allocation of salt it could be a serious matter.

Well must leave it there feeling very anxious with those awful neck back and shoulder pains... what a life.

January 8th

Its snowing again, its a fascinating concept when you realise that what you once enjoyed is now a source of so much anxiety and misery. Moreover there are still conflicting feelings; snow is causing so much anxiety yet there is some pang of regret when it stops snowing or when snow is forecast and it does not arrive. Crazy?

It has snowed all night, as far as I am aware, without ceasing, and our eight inches of already lying snow is growing deeper by the minute. There is no grit , a good amount of it was stolen by people not entitled to it and I am angry as this morning there will be nothing to melt the over-night accumulation of snow on the road that leads out of our cul-de-sac. I am anxious about power cuts and running out of food. We have stopped watching news on TV in the last several months because of the effect that doing so has upon our mood. But last night just as we finished watching something on DVD we happened upon the news bulletin which once we knew was about the weather we could not resist listening to, but it really sacred me with ominous predictions that this will be one of the most testing times for people in the UK as our whole infrastructure could be on the verge of collapse if it continues, with food storages as roads become impassable as girt runs out. I had great difficulty getting off to sleep. Such thoughts crowded my mind along with regrets that we did not get any shopping apart from bread. Earlier in the day we had braved the bitter cold icy weather again after turning back yesterday, because I was so panicky, to collect my prescription from the doctors. This was really an obsessive-compulsive trip because of anxiety about my migraine medication, the fear of not having any and an attack was really frightening, yet I have some in hand and in reality there was no immediate need. We were also anxious about petrol but we had half a tank, and in any case were we going... well no where much, not trips to the Yorkshire dales that’s for sure. I cannot begin to imagine what it is like there.

I thought we would not get through to the nearby town but we managed to park in the local supermarket's car park which was reasonably clear. We went in for bread and washing up liquid the latter of which is hardly an essential. But my husband was obsessing about our shortage of washing up liquid, just recently I am wondering if OCD is contagious as he appears to have become rather obsessive-compulsive himself. Of course this is not the case and obsessive-compulsive behaviours can present with depression, which is probably the case with my husband. I did think of getting some of our weekly shopping but it was absolute chaos with people everywhere, a nightmare of confusion and anxiety for people who suffer as I do. I had a slight headache which earlier had been significant and the fear of getting stranded and it turning into migraine scares the hell out of me. The headache though now we were here seems less bad. I cannot fathom them at all; at times when severely stressed they appear to come on, yet during times of equal stress an existing tension headache may just ease off even go altogether. However the presence of the headache albeit much improved added to my anxiety that we should go home as quickly as possible

The sky also was clouding over and I panicked should it start snowing . So we filled up with petrol, got my prescription, which I can’t fill anyway because we cannot get into the city to the pharmacy, and went home.

I of course regret it now and after hearing the news berated myself as I always do and regretted at least not getting more veggies, Soya milk and other basics including toilet rolls, which we are running short of and which my son and I, who have IBS, need more than most people would require. If you are not a regular reader the soya milk might seem odd but I am a vegan so do not drink cows milk. But we just grabbed the washing up liquid and two loaves of bread which we could pay for at the cigarette counter without the need to queue in the very long queues. Had we bought more we would of course have had to get a trolley and join one of these queues and I just could not cope saying to my husband that I would rather go hungry. But now in the cold light of day, or to be more precise in the cold dark of another anxiety ridden snowy day, I do not feel this way and feel so guilty that I did not set my fears aside and get some food. We do have enough for a few days, such things as rice and pasta, but.... Hey! what if there is power cut.... We have nothing much to eat that does not require cooking! I know I am catastrophising . I know I do this but these anxieties arise from my neurosis, they are powerful and they, as with any of my thoughts whether more obviously OCD or simply catastophising and chronic worry, are never easily set aside, if they were I would not have lived the awful life I have led.

Well its 7am and still snowing, a bus has passed by so the roads are passable. I am anxious and fear I have wasted the last two hours or so obsessing about the whys and wherefores of this severe weather, reading anything from global warming issues, to the earths actual cooling down and that lack of sun spots indicating a reduction in solar activity as though the sun is going into some kind of hibernation and stuff about the mini age of the 17th century as a result of such solar inactivity. Take no notice I have probably not understood a lot of what read and I have not bothered to verify it as a reliable source and recognise that this is how my mind works in the early hours of the morning, it , my mind being far more prone to depressing imaginings than later in the day, although of course I am never free from anxiety along with fearful imaginings in some form of other. Well I can take comfort that this is not occurring throughout the entire northern hemisphere, which of course would be the case if there was a general cooling down ... but still here is the gulf stream collapse scenario. In my more rational moments I of course realise that none of the aforementioned is likely but there is always that what if. I am going to resist the urge to verify and clarify that information but this is not my responsibility, it would take hours of exhausting obsessing and I am trying to avoid doing so. I am not an expert in the matter and simply have recoded my thoughts and interpretations upon what I have read. Anyone wishing to go into such matters are quite able to find relevant information.

Yes this is one of my New year resolutions, to try and not obsesses about finding information to a ridiculous degree that I even obsessive over the verification of information that I know is reliable.

This kind of behaviour is a significant impediment particularly when I am researching information for my other website:
Think-differently-about-sheep.com
Certainly when it comes to information that is not really relevant to this website I am not about to exhaust myself looking up information about a subject of which I know only little. But I am obsessing now and telling you all this because I am anxious about validity of the information that I have written so in reality I have not made progress towards overcoming my obsessing about the validity of facts if I am going to write reams telling you that the facts may not be accurate. Also anxieties about writing the above for fear of triggering another's fears, one of my major anxieties which present while writing this blog, it is of course impossible to avoid doing so at any time as we all have such a wide range of anxieties often peculiar to ourselves.  It would be impossible to not write something or say something , particularly for those of us with OCD that does not have the potential to trigger obsessions and compulsions or anxiety or depression.

Well the sun is shinning and it is as pretty as a Christmas card and perhaps we are all over reacting here in the UK. Commenting on angst ridden postings concerning the severe weather here in the UK here is what someone from Norway says in an internet forum :
“Are you mad? We have had from -10 to - 41 in 6 weeks, and we drive in snow for 5 months a year. Get some warmer clothes and get out and enjoy. Its good for your health, and your looks!”

January 9th

More snow today, a blanket of cloud hangs heavy without a break and snow showers, which I would describe more as blizzards come intermittently . It is scary and never in my entire lifetime have I ever experienced anything quite like it. We struggle down to the local corner shop for more bread for the birds as I worry that we cannot keep up with the demand should the weather get even worse and we cannot get out at all! We feel responsible for these birds who regularly visit our tiny garden which now has become a sanctuary for them and they are quite safe here and, with the exception of a rather timid pigeon, most are so used to us now that in the summer they
come to feed while we are sitting outside in close proximity, which because our garden is small is unavoidable. We also give them seeds as already mentioned earlier and I am anxious also about getting more and we need to be mindful to keep well supplied and this means a longer trip, but for now we are okay.  Nonetheless  I check and feel the compulsion to go and get some today even though I have another headache and it would be very stressful to leave the house in this bitter cold. I am really not coping at all and wonder how I am ever going to  get through it, particularly if it is like this the entire winter.  I can well imagine that if you live in Alaska or similar colder climate you probably wonder why all the whinging. I guess we here in the UK are not used to it , not prepared, and besides if you are not well such circumstances are an added burden and the metaphor concerning the last straw breaking the camels back is very appropriate as I wonder how much more of life's perversity I can take. I have an Australian pen pal who lives in Northern Australia were temperatures reach as much as 40 degrees during the summer, to her a drop in temperature during the winter of 20 degrees feels very cold, so it is all relative. Mind you you get used to such changes eventually as time goes on for indeed you have no choice as we will eventually have to do the twelve mile round trip to get our main shopping.

But today day I will give the anxiety about the weather a miss and give you a link to an article I  received in a News letter which may be of some help to those of us who are hoarders and clutters including my family and I. Although our circumstances are not too severe hoarding and cluttering is a big problem for us and has the potential to escalate, at least my problems with this type of behaviour would if I did not have the support of the others but its a bit like the blind leading the blind, although their tendency towards hoarding is less severe than mine it is significant nonetheless. The article and advice is though aimed at people who have tendency to hoard rather than a full blown medical condition such as is the case for OCDers. Nonetheless there may be some useful ideas, particularly for those whose conditions are less entrenched.

DailyGood: 11 Myths of Decluttering

January 10th

A really dismal day today and my mood is just so low. Sometimes I am less able to cope than others and on-going worries about which I cannot mention lay heavily as an oppressive weight over my chest. Well those of you who suffer depression know all to well that heavy feeling that bears down on your chest weighing you down. The very feeling itself lowers your mood and makes you feel ill. It is difficult to be positive when you are depressed all the time and for me that is not an exaggeration, for my depression is a constant companion albeit varying in degrees.

Today another dismal one weather wise, it's cloudy and there is the howl of a bitterly cold wind. I dash outside to through bread on the Shed roof for the birds, my husband has to top up their feeders as this is more difficult for me with my contamination OCD. I think there is a bit of a thaw but nothing to get excited about and in many ways the weather seems more miserable than it was yesterday, more damp.

I have not published  any of the above entries to my blog this month and it's already the 10th and this will be a batch load as I have obsessed so much about the content and still I sit here somehow hesitant tempting to put it off until tomorrow. But tomorrow nothing will be any different and I will waste time reading them all over again. I am always so anxious should something I say bring about a detrimental occurrence but I cannot say precisely what, partly because it is a vague notion and partly because it is so complex and I would reveal an anxiety about which I need to keep private, at least for now. I am so sick of it all, the best years of my life sucked away by OCD and still it continues on its miserable way not giving way to anything and I rather think that my last dying thought will be effected by OCD. Morbid I know but I have OCD to thank for my morbid predisposition, as I have OCD to thank for my miserable life. I am so depressed today.

I will leave it there. Writing more is delaying the inevitable. I have three choices: to upload, to procrastinate and go through the same dammed scenario again to morrow and the next day and so on and on, or delete the whole dam lot. But that would present other problems including depression about time wasted, time writing something only to delete it. Also I would feel a failure allowing OCD to interfere. So you can't win. Some one asked me once why I continue to write if it gives me should anxiety. Well if I stop doing so OCD has won again, and also if I turn my attention to another pursuit OCD will present thoughts to stop me from doing that and I will be left with regrets. I want to do this, why, I am no longer sure as I feel few people read much of this but I would feel I had failed if I allowed OCD to take this away from me and don't forget all the obsessing about writing and fact checking occurs in every other aspect of my life where writing is required, it interferes with my other website of course, writing letters,
e-mail and even filling in forms. To stop doing one will eventually lead to the cessation of the others, so for now I plod on, but today I feel just so weary of it all.

Also one of the saddest things about OCD is that few other sufferers understand obsessions that are diffident from their own, which I suppose cannot be helped, you cannot empathise with someone if you yourself have not had a similar experience. But we all know the feelings of fear, anxiety and depression that OCD brings into our lives... at least I hope we do.

January 11th

Well I didn't load up the above entries yesterday as we decided on the spur of the moment to go out shopping. We do not normally do so Sunday but there is a lull in the weather onslaught and it is a few digress milder and there is a thaw. There is also a severe weather warning, heavy snow for the afternoon which may continue into next week so its best we go although I dread it as the shop will be crowded, and indeed it was. The severe weather warming did not materialise and the thaw continues. Crazy but I have some disappointment, that mixed feeling phenomenon which concerning the snow and indeed other issues is experienced by my son also. I am wondering is this normal or is it connected to the conditions from which we suffer.  I do also feel a little silly all than panic practically anticipating an ice age or at least a significant change in our climate, But I am who am, a person with a vivid imagination, a collector of too much information and OCD all add to a mix of neurotic and anxiety provoked thinking. However I really have to say that the media, in particular the TV have really wound us up and others too  with projections of ominous doom with remarks about no end to the severe weather and the possibility of collapse of the country's infrastructure, food shortage . This resulted in some areas with people getting out somehow and panic buying which of course could have led to food shortages for those of us who do not have the ready cash to stock pile. People are selfish are they not, certainly if they take your salt and grit they will take your food. Again the panic mongering of the media has made a difficult situation much worse for those of us who are perhaps too sensitive, anxious and depressed and who are unable to see behind the facade of this continual emphasis on negative occurrences, with in my opinion was a deliberate dramatisation and exaggeration of what are already a trying circumstances. Which I feel in many circumstances is the way a lot of news is reported these days.

I have been so anxious about a power cut which can of course happen at any time even in summer but which now would be nightmare .Yesterday afternoon for reasons which will take a while to explain and are not very interesting my husband simply switched the power off at the mains. He did not think to tell either my son or I who where both looking at something on the internet. The screen suddenly when blank !!!!!! You can imagine the surge of panic, we thought it was power cut.

He did not hear the end of it all afternoon

Well with some anxieties I will endeavour to load up the above entries.

The internet is on go slow and its only 6am. Usually the excuse is that there are just too many people on-line. Well... at 6am I rather doubt it. Perhaps its the weather which I admit does effect it from time to time.

Such frustrations of life drive me crazy and they always seem to occur at the worse possible times. I just want to click the send button aggghhhhh

January 12th

Have you ever wondered if your dog has OCD?

Mercy Corps UK:  Be the Change | Mercy Corps UK

Disasters Emergency committee:     DEC

The Red Cross: Haiti Earthquake Appeal

Oxfam: Haiti earthquake response - Donate now :: Oxfam GB

You can also go into your local Oxfam shop to donate cash so if you only have a little money to spare this may be easier, and every little helps of course and makes you feel like you are doing some thing as at times you can feel so powerless to help in such situations.

January 16th

I came across an article in the Guardian Newspaper which may be of interest to those of you who have OCD and severe depression and indeed to people with other conditions.

A radical treatment for obsessive-compulsive disorder patients: Could Gamma Knife, a non-invasive brain surgery using radiation, help OCD sufferers who can't be helped by more established treatments?