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January 2nd

I actually woke this morning with no headache, a rare occurrence as most mornings I wake with some kind of headache and just lately during the night I have had some severe tension type headaches. However after getting up and using the toilet, as it was only 4 am I had hoped to at least go back to bed and lie there a while, but no as soon as I got back into bed there it was the so familiar pain of a headache.

Over Christmas I had a terrible time with severe headaches. Christmas Eve and the previous day I had severe tension type headaches that where not far off being as painful as migraine and which made Christmas even more difficult than it is already. Although I am not keen on Christmas because of all the awful memories and the whole range of OCD anxieties that accompany them I do look forward to a bit of time out from the pressures of day to day living and at least a time to veg out and ignore the world for a while, put off some of the misery and things that need sorting out. But this year the severity of these headaches made it difficult to cope and Christmas eve I don't know how I got through cooking dinner. It was the same on Christmas day although slightly less severe. Incidentally it was at this time of the year eighteen years ago,  the first Christmas after loosing my daughter who was still born, that the chronic daily headaches began along with a steady increase in the frequency of my migraine.

I really need to get something done about these headaches as they are becoming more and more difficult for me to cope with. But I have done all the research and really there is nothing new although I have intend to write to a migraine charity I have been recently made aware of, and which I have been meaning to contact but have kept putting it off.  I think also here my OCD gets in the way, the compulsion when writing about my conditions is not knowing when to stop and as a consequence write on and on in rambling obsessive compulsive detail and this is one of the reasons that I tend to procrastinate as the task is so daunting. Also the OCD checking obsessions can make such an even more difficult task than writing for my website
 

At this time of year you tend to analyse your life more and to think about how you might make some changes, as indeed do most of us with our new years resolutions that by this time next week are forgotten about. I can't recall what if any new years resolutions I made last year. It can be a depressing time, the date on the calendar which takes months to get used too is a reminder of another year gone and with no improvement in my life or that of my family.

Headaches of the chronic daily tension type are more prevalent in people who lead sedentary lives but hey who feels like being overly active when you have a headache and all the muscle and joint aches and pains that also where just dreadful over Christmas. Nonetheless this year I am determined to make more of an effort to at least go for a short walk every day and take up the practise Tai Chi again which I have allowed to lapse.

Something I have never really talked much about is weight gain; since first getting increasingly more frequent migraine attacks and daily headaches I have gradually put on weight, previously I had been on the brink of following my sister down the road of food deprivation and was on the verge of anorexia nervosa, weighing 6 stone 12 pounds. When the headaches became more severe and occurred daily I became anxious that not eating may aggravate them and every time I got even a twinge I would eat although throughout the first three years I had no relief from them whether I eat or not and in reality eating does nothing to prevent them or alleviate either a migraine or tension headache. At first the pain in some degree or another was twenty four seven now some days I can have many hours pain free although everyday there is always some headache even if only of short duration, well you can read all about this in my memoir. Suffice it to say over the last eighteen years I have put on weight, far far too much. Not only is this a detriment to my joint and muscle aches and pains it saps any modicum of self confidence that I had and makes me feel more fatigued and more depressed. This  year, hopefully beginning on Monday, I intend to at least try and diet and loose weight but I need to be mindful knowing when to stop and not revert back to being obsessed with losing weight. Although at this juncture of my life somehow I can't see this happening as these days other than the headaches making me feel as though I need to eat, comfort eating has become quite a problem, although as all of us know who engage in such futile attemps at deriving comfort through eating, in the long term there is no comfort in being overweight.

Also this year I am hoping to begin a blog with word press or other blog host. That is after I have completed my second website which is not going too well. I am finding it so difficult of late to write anything, it is as if the words do not flow with any ease, in short I can't think of anything much to say or rather I can't convey what is in my mind in words whether written of verbal, at least not to my satisfaction or with any ease whatsoever. I am struggling hard but it all takes time and as you know I have the added impediment of OCD anxieties one of which is the compulsion to obsess about what I write and to continually check and recheck. My new website which focuses on animals is quite a challenge but it is something I feel the great need to do. But these things take time and I have to remind myself that this website took over eight months to complete.

Although I think that we should not set for ourselves unrealistic goals it helps to make a few new year's resolutions as it helps us to focus on trying to achieve or improve some aspect of our lives. Time passes so quickly and we can get so preoccupied and yes you even get used to your miserable life and tend to give up subconsciously any attempts to improve matters. Although of course you can take stock of your life and resolve to make improvements at any time, but now is as good a time as any.

Although I must admit that  I dread the coming week when everything gets back to normal, more traffic on the roads, everyone back to work which means sometimes means noise from the factory in the village, children back to school and the general turmoil of life recommences and all the tasks and problems you set aside until after Christmas now need attending too, it can be rather a depressing time. But at least those of us in the northern hemisphere can console our selves that we have got past mid winter, we have had the shortest day and now albeit gradually we are on the way to spring, in a month or so we will be noticing the difference as it get lighter slightly earlier and darker slightly later. I do find the dark mornings a misery, not getting light until after eight am can be so depressing, particualry when you awake at 4am it feels as though it will never get light.

I hope all of us have a better new year. Sometimes I think that wishing people a happy new year is ridiculous as it is just another year, a slot of time no different than another week or month. But it is a is a positive thought well intentioned. And any positive thought has got to be better than a negative one right!

January 3rd

This year I really hope some of you will contribute to the website by sending in examples of your art or craft or other creative accomplishments . Yes of course I know that for many of us we are perhaps to ill with OCD or other maladies to cope with getting through the day let alone have a hobby or pastime. There was time when nature of my OCD made it impossible for me. For people with OCD a lot depends on the focus of your OCD as obsessions and compulsions can greatly interfere, for instance now it is impossible for me to do any gardening or use oil paints becasue of anxieties about turpentine so I use acrylic which require only water to mix and to clean my brushes. Sadly though I do not confront gardening as this is beyond me and in any case is not a great interest of mine.

Art work is still a struggle for me. I have not painted for a few weeks and yesterday I really had to force myself to do so mostly do to apathy borne of chronic depression. The same also occurs with my write although with wrting I do tend to struggle perhaps a little more persistently but at times nonetheless it is struggle and many things are never published. Perfectionism also is an increasing and ever present torment which interferes even with adding photos, although most I have determined to add them with as little editing as possible . I can say without a doubt that I am never satisfied with anything that I do, no piece of wrting, no painting or drawing. So I do recognise the problems.

However if anyone does have a photo of their paintings , drawings, a piece of sewing, knitting, their garden, anything you have created and don't forget the performing arts, if you sing, dance, play an instrument you could write in and tell your fellow suffers, it does help to add a bit of positivity. Your contribution will appear in the Gallery

For creative ideas and advice

Creativity as Therapy

Creativity: A Personal Perspective

Thank you to all of who have sent in articles, their stories, photos of artwork and other inclusions during the previous year.

January 5th

Did anyone who watched the BBC2 Documentary drama The Antiques Rogue Show consider that Shaun Greenhaigh has Asperger syndrome (AS)? The drama told the story of Shaun Greenhaigh who became the world’s most famous and prolific art forger by producing famous works of art in his garden shed. So skilful were his forgeries that he even fooled experts at the British museum.

Briefly Shaun aided by his elderly parents and according to the articles in the links below also an elder brother, although he was not included in last night's drama, collaborated to produce and sell an extraordinary number of convincing art forgeries. It was Shaun however who produced the prolific and diverse range of forgeries over a period of seventeen years between 1989 and 2006 which they where able to pass off as genuine works of art and which they sold for thousands.

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