Stress causes whole body deterioration

I was rather hesitant whether or not to include this article here even though I thought it might be of interest. One of the main reasons for my hesitation is the fact that the research involved experimentation on animals, rats, albeit mainly in the form of behavioural observation. However if such is carried out in a laboratory this interferes with the animal's well-being to some degree.  I would therefore like to state that I am categorically one hundred percent against animal experiments under any circumstances and that includes medical research.  Animals are sentient creatures, they feel pain and  fear in much the same way as we do and to cause any creature to suffer these condtions is to my way of thinking totally abhorrent.  I agonised over the decision to include this article but my not doing so will not of course have any effect one way or another on this dreadful practice.

Besides on reflection including this article gives me an opening to express my thoughts concerning the atrocity of experimenting on animals, which is to me an abhorrent.
 

The article however may be of interest to a number of you as it helps to perhaps gain some insight into why our level of anxiety becomes increasingly more and more sensitive to smaller and small stimuli.  I could of course have told any researcher this , it is common sense is it not. I imagine that most of us who are chronic sufferers of anxiety and stress have noticed how anxiety and stress generate further anxiety and stress. Over the years this anxiety increases to such a degree that we constantly feely anxious and stressed most if not all the time, and we find that as the years go by the tiny difficulties in our lives with which others cope without even thinking become monumental obstacles, which result in enormous increases anxiety and stress disproportionate to the situation, at least by normal consideration. Surely most of us have noticed this. Furthermore the presentation of any of the these conditions such as heart disease further increases our anxiety which is naturally a detriment. I can't imagine anyone being told that they have a serious disease not being anxious.

Although migraine is not mentioned in this particular research many people assume it is related to stress. Most certainly migraine will cause anxiety, stress, even fear and the occurrence of frequent attacks will inevitably perpetuate and increase existing anxiety and stress still further in an increasing downward spiral of incapacitating illnesses.  Last December I had twelve attacks, during the last three days I have had three on three consecutive days. I was in agony last night, even with the help of Diclofenac it is a situation which provokes in me such fear should my medication for some reason cease to be effective. Particularly as the onset of last nights headache presented barely sixteen hours after the previous attack. As I suffer also with chronic daily headache which at times can feel similar to migraine I have to wait some hours before taking my migraine medication as I need to be certain that I take my medication for the right headache as making a mistake will mean hours of pain if later on a migraine presents before the sixteen hour gap between doses has expired. Moreover the depression which result from the frequency of this condition is considerable as it is a great impediment to my life, and remember of course this is in addition to suffering severe OCD. You would need to be a saint in order for this condition not to effect your stress , anxiety and depression levels, particularly with such frequent incidence.  Sitting here now today I have a twinge of head pain, at times such twinges can bring about severe anxiety so much so to be experienced as fear. This is particularly so if I am away from home "The World Health Organization ranked migraine attacks as one of the most disabling conditions known to mankind" says said Dr. Stephen Silberstein, director of the Jefferson Headache Centre at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia. It is not surprising therefore that even sitting here now writing about my migraine generates an increase in my anxiety.  

Secondly I was anxious to include this article because often such information may increase stress. Being told that the anxiety and stress that we are sadly unable to control may result in the possibilty of serious illnesses can increase further not only our stress but also make us feel frustrated, even angry as we are left to our own devices to fight a battle which we appear to be unable to win. Sometimes such knowledge may make us even more stressed. However such information may help to increase insight into what is happening and why.  I suffer so many illnesses which may or may not be stress related. But if these are indeed part of our conditions we should never feel guilty or weak that we cannot control our anxiety or stress. Often being told that this or that is a result of anxiety, stress or depression can often leave one feeling guilty and hopeless and increase our stress and anxiety further. Moreover oftentimes struggling to control anxiety, which may in any case be beyond our control such as for instance during the effects of  anxiety experienced during a panic attack, may actually create more stress. Yes indeed struggling to relax because we are fearful of the consequences of our stress when under the throes of severe anxiety can make one feel anything but less stressed.

However one should not consider such information as the above  research as an absolute fact as often illnesses associated with stress do not present in everyone who is stressed. For instance it is assumed that stress and anxiety will result in high blood pressure. I am severely stressed,  anxiety is a constant companion, most days my heart may pound with fear, a lump constricts my throat, I m never relaxed . Yet I have text book perfect blood pressure . Amazing! 

Also in this research it appears to be considered that anxiety and stress is learned from parents. Personally I believe, particularly concerning anxiety disorders, that these arise as a result of a genetic predisposition and it therefore may appear this way. It is most likely that although the stress the child or children of anxious parents exhibits - particualry parents with a specific diagnosable anxiety disorder such as panic disorder or OCD - may appear to be learned behaviours, it is however more likely that the child has the same gene for the susceptibility towards these conditions and exhibits similar behaviours as the result of this inherited predisposition rather than from the result of learned behaviour. 

The above six paragraphs are my interpretations and opinions concerning this article . Therefore you are advised to read the article and form your own interpretations.

January 12th

From this Saturday Jan 12th due to illnesses and other commitments such as my exhibition I will only be available to respond to e-mail on three days each week: Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. Please continue to write  as usual but do understand that there may be a delay. I will endeavour as far as possible notwithstanding illness, computer problems or other adversity to reply on one of those days.  Please read the reasons why below.

I am now receiving so much e-mail that it is impossible to respond every day. 

I find that I cannot easily make the transition from one activity to another. The following concerning making the transition from writing e-mail to doing other activities is an example of this problem. If when I come to work on my computer and respond to e-mail I than find it difficult to turn my focus to do other things such as write articles, or blog entries or do other work on my website.  I find I can only focus on one task at a time, I cannot flit from one thing to another as  I loose the thread so to speak and cannot refocus my attention on the new activity. So after writing a couple of e-mails which may take a couple of hours or more I cannot than go on to write my articles or a blog entity as I cannot change my focus easily to do this different task. The answer therefore is for me to have a routine. On certain days I focus on replying and writing e-mail and other days I will write articles or do other work on my computer.  I am a person who needs routine and this is really the only way now I can cope. 

Also concerning e-mail it can at times be stressful because of all my OCD compulsions which require me to edit and check and check over and over for mistakes and worrying about writing something which may be perceived as harmful. I have written extensively about this here on my blog and will not today elaborate further, a compulsion of mine which I must make some effort to ignore.  The point is that although I am pleased as always to hear from fellow sufferers and other interested parties it is exhausting because of my difficulties with writing, particualry e-mail as this is more difficult than writing a blog entry or article.  I apologise for any inconvenience but I am sure most of you will understand.

It is amazing though that some people may not understand this, even fellow OCD sufferers. Sadly I have found of late that some sufferers cannot or will not try to understand the difficulties other sufferers have if their OCD manifests in a different way. This maybe because they are simply too ill to comprehend; locked within their own fearful world the anxieties  and illnesses of another may seem unreal, trivial even.

This does not only apply to OCD of course. I recall my sister telling me that just because a group of people all have agoraphobia does not mean they all can empathise with, accept and understand one another. There are times when one person who can for instance perhaps leave his home to go to the corner shop, albeit with considerable determination and much anxiety, cannot understand the more severely effected agoraphobic who cannot even leave his bed room or in extreme circumstances, as was the case of a friend of my sister's, leave her bed.  Yes indeed it is not easy to understand another's problems and although I have most obsessions and compulsions it seems to one degree or another that there are times when I personally do not understand another sufferer's type of OCD. However I do recognise that just like me that this person's life is tormented and detrimentally effected by their particular manifestation of OCD and I do my best accommodate them. But I am only human and make mistakes and this is why e-mail can be difficult as it causes me to ruminate and feel guilty.

This I will explain in more detail in further entries although I imagine I have touched on this in past entries.

Please do not be put off writing to me I love to hear from visitors to this website, it is just that it will help me cope better if I only respond to e-mail on certain days. It is for me a better more organised routine and is more suitable for my temperament and the difficulties I have with the transition from one task to another. Please continue to write as before but please bear in mind that you may not receive an immediate response. Please also keep in mind I am simply a sufferer of OCD, I am not a counsellor or therapist of any kind and as much as I would like to help others I am sadly not in a position to do so.  If you are having problems and need help please consult a person suitably qualified to do so.

It has become a compulsion to respond the same day and I am struggling to break this compulsion as I am not well enough to do so and it has become rather a torment with my getting up earlier to do so despite often being unwell.

I am trying this routine as an experiment if it does not work out I will continue as before.  The important thing is please do continue writing, even if there is a considerable delay in my response please be assured sort of a major tragedy at some point I will respond.

Yes of course this is all very obsessive/compulsive; I am obsessing as I do about everything in my entire life. I have OCD and this sadly will reflect in every facet of my life. I can't imagine anyone really cares if they receive a delayed reply or no reply at all, a reply from me will not effect anyone's life in any significant way. However if I do not tell you of my intentions I will feel anxiety and the compulsion to check my e-mail everyday and respond straight the way which right now is difficult for the reasons stated above and also due to an increase in my OCD and other conditions particualry migraine and depression.

Jan 14th

Today I felt as though I simply did not want to get out of bed , It has been this way now for many months but today I felt so wretched . At one time the computer delivered me from the torment of the morning invasion of worrying OCD thoughts. Even though I had to get out of bed during the wee small hours of the morning to escape the torment the computer was a considerable help and incentive to do so. However now it is more difficult and I tend to lie there depressed and  notwithstanding the continual stream of intrusive thoughts I find it increasingly difficult to get out of bed and come and work on my computer as I once did.

When I first bought my compter it was like a breeze of fresh air into my life and it become an excellent distraction, at least against the more ruminative morbid intrusive type of OCD. Particularly in those days when my husband was at work and my son at college and  I was left alone for hours on end.  Creating my website in the last four years at first gave me enormous satisfaction. Here I could publish my book , an endeavour that due to illness had taken ten years to complete but which sadly alas no publisher was interested in publishing.

The creation of a website had been in my mind for many years right from the time we bought our first computer, in the days when the internet was a tool for information, much of it disseminated freely and not the capitalistic commercialised tool for advertising that it is now where very man had his dog tries to sell just about anything and everything. It was once a source of artistic information and inspiration where you could download photos to paint with out a list of restrictions as long as your arm even when it is for free download. I have OCD scrupulosity, but even if I did not I imagine I would try to respect the rights of others to restrict the use of their work even if it forbids the use of photography for painting albeit at times with much annoyance. I mean really! How many people realise it is strictly specking a violation of copyright to paint from a photograph taken by some else. Crazy!

The internet was once a place to acquire the lasted information on medical research free now more often than not a research paper requires a fee, oftentimes a considerable one at that.

The internet in the main has changed so much in the last nearly eight years since I first came on-line. Advertising greets you everywhere, flashes across the page, unfurls if you accidentally move your mouse in the wrong place. My ISP once had no advertising , than it was a discreet banner now it is pop-ups, even animated mini movies. What a check don't you think, when you pay a subscription to be inundated with advertising.  Yes there are adds on my website but all are for charities for which I receive no payment but still I guess they are adds nonetheless.

How the internet has changed a lot of late but sadly not for the better. Recently with one thing and another I feel less and less comfortable and in some aspects I feel increasingly stressed by the attitudes and behaviours of people on-line. Again recently I was accused of spamming when  I mentioned my website and my book when responding to a post. It had taken a huge amount of courage for me to  post this response, the only perosn who directly commented on my post said that it was a good first post however there followed a sarcastic remark implying that my response contained Spam.  Spam! What Spam? I had mentioned my book as this was appropriate to the subject under discussion and included a link to the main website and a separate link to my blog. This person also has a link to his blog which appears after every one of his posts. So... still mystified. I challenged the poster pointing out I was not selling anything and there was nothing whatsoever commercial about my website but received no response so still rather in the dark on that one. 

If anyone would care to contact me with a clear definition about what is and what is not Spam it would be appreciated. If I can't mention my website when posting to a forum this will limit the number of new visitors I get, as of course as I have previously said my website comes no where near the top of any search engine although this blog lists quite high. Except during the time when my website came on-line I do not go to post on forums with the sole intention of promoting my website, it is only included in my post if it is relevant to the particular thread I am responding to or to the topic I introduce.

Moreover my problems with writing is increasing. More and more I appear to lack the co-ordination to type and to do so fast enough to keep pace with my thoughts which do not present in a manner that is easily written without considerable effort to translate my thoughts into words. Rather like the difficulties I have with speaking I need a considerable time to process information and form it into words, even information and thoughts that I myself have generated .I have to do so as quickly as possible otherwise the train of thought is lost, yet I can't spell so there is yet another impediment and also I can't type without looking at the keyboard and my typing is uncoordinated.

So in order to write I have to translate my thoughts into words and this does not come easily I can assure you and when it comes to e-mail often I have no idea what to say as in this form of writing sometimes the thoughts do not come at all.  Sometimes someone will tell me something and I have no idea what to say and it is a struggle. Conversely once I begin writing it is difficult stop and I become irritated, exhausted. With the writing of articles yet again there are many times there is nothing in my mind while at other times it pours in and the anxiety to write it all down becomes a huge stress, my shoulders and neck aching and I can't stop writing but as I have have shown you before it is a jumble of misspelled words and typing errors and that dam caps lock which is on now as I write this and I have to go back and retype. I have a compulsion to write, at times there are so many thoughts in my mind, things I want to say but the hindrance of trying to find the find the right word than trying to spell it, at least with some semblance of accuracy to register the correct spelling with the word processor, and than trying to put my fingers on the right  keys . Sometimes this is so wearying.

Oftentimes now when I start to write more and more thoughts flood in and I get frustrated, irritated and can't cope with it all  to the extent that I become afraid to begin to type as more and more thoughts pour in and the compulsion to write is overwhelming and trying to spell and type just so exhausting . Of late I have dreaded getting up and starting to write anything, everything...Oh no caps lock on again aggghhhhhhhh  I kid you not. So many many times this happens.  There are times I feel like giving up, people do not understand how difficult things are for me. I appear to lack the coordination to write,  I have found that this has effected my motivation to write or do much of anything and getting up to work on my website has become rather a chore. Naturally of course depression plays a significant role here, that heavy weariness bearing down on my chest. Well if you have ever been depressed you know what I mean and lets face it there can't be any one nor indeed any creature that does not get depressed; pet owners will I am sure have noticed that an animal may become depressed . So most of us know what it feels like even if we have only experienced this occasionally in response to life's adversities which few if anyone escapes. However having that feeling present each and everyday to
some  degree or another with little or no respite saps motivation, paints life with a tinge of grey, everything becomes a burden and even so called pleasurable pursuits become dulled and met with apathy. I can't recall the last time I did not feel the burden of depression over my heart.  it is not easy and I have to force myself at times to do most things not only my writing. Oh if only something nice would happen but when you are depressed you miss the little positives, however from my perspective these seem few and far between.

January17th

My throat is constricted my stomach is churning and my left leg has gone numb. An odd assortment of anxiety symptoms nonetheless these and other odd symptoms appear to accompany moments of extra anxiety. A kind of odd panic attack

I can taste it on my lips, feel it in my mouth, the fumes waft up the stairs and I can smell it here now. It is 6am and half an hour ago I finally decided to try that spray varnish I mentioned in a previous entry which I was anxious to use. I prepare myself in the way describe in the aforesaid entry, opened the window, sprayed the varnish onto my painting in I fear a far too copious amount and fled the room slamming the door behind me.

I decided the only way to carry out this task which would cause the least degree of panic was in the bathroom with the windowing wide open in the early hours of the morning before I showered and dressed. Well all that is explained in the entry on January 6th. However as the toilet is also in the bathroom I am anxious now of going in there, but necessity requires I do, enhanced further no doubt by my anxiety. Silly me I had forgotten this of course. 

I can't describe how panicky I feel, as a person so sensitive to smells it is so overwhelming. I was indeed rather shocked just how strong the fumes where and the warning on the tin echoed round my mind:  don't breath in the fumes . Somewhat difficult with the vapour all over the entire house as it was so strong it even came through the spaces round the door. I know other people use these sprays every day and we also have varnished shelves and in our home and of course gloss paint can be really smelly. However this stuff is strong... or does it just seem this way as I fixate my fear on this product. Those of you who have read my memoir and this blog will know my contamination fear by pathogens has extend from contamination fears concerning bacteria and viruses to include toxins and the fear of causing harm to others by tiny molecules of these toxins getting onto my cloths and hair. Varnish naturally belongs to this category as indeed does anything which is unhealthy to ingest , simple everyday things in common use such as hair spray, bleach,  anything remotely chemical. However in addition I fear it getting it into my lungs and creating personal harm and also setting off a migraine even though gloss paint and regular household varnish appear not to do this.   

Life is so frustrating with OCD you cannot imagine. I have twenty something paintings to treat in this way and after today I wonder how I am going to complete this task. It took two attempts to spray just one painting after which I had to take a shower in a cold  bathroom and today is relatively mild.  Also when you feel so dammed awful with depression and anxiety, when you wake with that dreadful heaviness of heart and have to drag yourself out of bed to do soemthing that you know will increase your anxiety to the level of panic you wonder why bother. After all varnishing paintings is not vital, there is no life shattering consequence if I do not so this, its been an enormous effort just to do the paintings with the conditions from which suffer. But they took better varnished, it protects from scratching, and like any other  person there is no reason why I should not do this. One gets so tried of not being able to do this or that because of OCD or other illnesses.

However the problem with my OCD is that it is so pervasive it intrudes into everything, every endeavour, every action every thought and I have no choice sometimes if I do  not wish to find myself become entirely incapacitated by it, it being of course my OCD depression and all the other bloody awful miserable conditions from which I suffer.

But it is not easy it is stressful and time consuming, right now I have to work within the boundaries of  my compulsions rather than confront them and make preparation, thinking things through so I can take the action which will not leave me feeling afraid that I am contaminated or have contaminated someone else. But it is exhausting and saps ones enthusiasm which is already undermined by constant feelings of depression . Today I am so depressed I feel like crying and I have struggled to come and sit here against overwhelming feelings of not feeling as though I can cope with this endeavour anymore, with all the anxiety about what I write, all the checking and checking and checking, rewriting, deleting and so on and on seemingly getting worse with each passing day.  After a time it becomes a vicious circle depression making OCD worse and consequently the  frustration anxiety and misery of OCD and all the other maladies making the depression worse and so it goes on and on day after  day after day and just lately  I grow weary.

There are now so few things in my life unaffected by OCD that I either stop doing them altogether or I pursue them within the boundaries and restrictions imposed by OCD. My OCD is intractable. I think that that is now certain and there is  little or no hope of improvement without intense therapy and support which is never going to happen. A short course of CBT will do nothing except give me a whole new bunch of stuff to write and as writing is such a trauma I am defected before I even start

Yes to participate in CBT you do have to be able to articulate and record your thoughts as they happen  and if your OCD is severe you can find yourself unable to do this as every action, even and including the writing down of you thoughts is effected by your OCD  in such a way your are defeated before your start. Also oftentimes it is not easy to articulate your thoughts particualry if you have AS  as I beleive I have AS or significant traits thereof .

So it is not easy for me to express my thoughts even in writing which is the easiest of the two options verbal or written but neither is ideal and I most certainly cannot write my thoughts in the concise way required for CBT. Althoguh it might appear that I can express my thoughts here it is not that easy and may take a considerable time for the thought in my mind to be transformed into words that explain the thinking processes in my mind.  My thoughts most certainly do not flow from my mind in to the writing  which you see here with any ease at all and in fact the coordination to type, inability to spell makes the translation of my thoughts even ore problematic.

January 23rd

Here is an issue which is of great concern. The following links will take you to information about a campaign against terminator seeds. Terminator seeds are seeds which are genetically modified so they may only be used once, these seeds are sterile; terminator sees are genetically modified to become sterile after the first planting. Terminator seeds are a direct threat to poorer farmers and food sources.

"1.4 billion farmers in the world depend on farmed saved seeds to feed themselves and their families. If terminator gets the go-ahead, it would spell the end of this practice of saving and replanting seeds - and so take control of meeting their own food needs out of farmers' hands."

"Terminator spells trouble for peasant farmers throughout the world because they will no longer be able to save seeds to re-use from one harvest to the next. Many poor farmers cannot afford to buy seeds each year. Instead, they save, swap and share seeds that have been developed over generations. If terminator seeds are spread into the environment farmers will be forced to buy new seeds every time, making them poorer - and the big seed companies richer. Far from helping to tackle poverty, it will increase economic injustice and add to the burdens of those already living in hardship."

"In May 2008 European governments will meet at the Convention on Biodiversity in Bonn to discuss Terminator Seeds. We want them to uphold and strengthen the ban they made in 2000. Poor farmers in the developing world need your help to make this happen. Here are some ways you can help persuade the British Government to do the right thing:"

The above are quotations from the website below

Indeed OCD is enormously time consuming, washing your hands over and over throughout the preparation food  each time I touch something other than the food, even the packet, rewashing  cooking implements, using fresh towels each time, anxious about the towel where it has been, is it clean, anxious about food has it been tampered with, checking for interference with packaging all eats away at your time.  Checking my writing over and over again always questioning if it is correct or will it have the potential to cause  harm but never in an obvious way that others would understand as having such a potential, the OCD mind sees harm in so many things and it can leave you exhausted  as you have to  think through everything you think, every move you make and every decision with which you contend. Reading is also a long and  protracted due to a superstitious fear concerning a certain number  which I have mentioned on so many occasions it would be superfluous to reiterate again today, yet even this is a compulsion for me to go over and over this problem again just in case someone doesn't  stand.  Many books are never competed becasue of my fear of any association with this number, particularly when it comes to reading, it is as if OCD homes in on what means the most to you, rather like an entity which knows your thoughts and knows what aspects of your life in which to intrude in order to bring about the greatest detriment. Well there are so many facets of my OCD which are all mentioned in my memoir and here on my blog and there are many others which are daily increasing the impact of this condtion upon my life. Also recently the tendency toward GAD type thinking has added an extra dimension of misery; ruminating on small concerns catastrophizing, exaggerating the potential day to day worries into major problems so much so that my life is filled with continual anxiety.