There have not been many entries recently and this is due mostly to a sense of urgency to complete a section of my other website,
www.think-differently-about-sheep.com Well not a section only a part of it. I am experiencing a huge amount of difficulty writing these days due to my OCD, a problem about which I have mentioned many times but which is getting so much worse that every endeavour that involves writing is becoming increasing more difficult, taking much longer and is riddled with doubt, stress, despair  and at times incapacity. It is only with some determination that I press on knowing that the alternative of giving into my mind will mean only an increase in depression. So continue or conceded defeat I cannot win whatever I do. I had worked on this section, which is only partly complete, intermittently since August of last year. Obsessing about facts checking and checking over and over, its has been a misery. The more I check facts the more new information I acquire and the longer whatever I write seems to get, the consequence of which is still more checking.

The addition of perfectionism adds to the mix, a futile quest for anyone but for someone with an attention deficit who makes mistakes and may not see them despite endless checking, the goal of perfection is impossible. The fear of causing harm by what I write and the fearful imaginings make the endeavour a further misery. At one point I was ready to add to the recycle bin!  But I am a person with a mission, a head filled with thoughts and ideas too numerous to bring  to fruition if indeed I had the ability  to do so. I feel with my sheep website that it perhaps has to be more close to perfect, or at least more accurate concerning writing and the accuracy of what I write more than this one, as of course some inaccuracy due to my medical conditions I imagine will be accepted if not entirely understood, as I know too well that sadly we at times fail to understand one another's variations of OCD or other anxiety conditions.

Also after a long break it is difficult to get back into the flow and I admit I lack the motivation. Also my OCD often puts a limit upon what I feel able to write, superstitious dread and strange imaginings about which I feel too anxious to discuss tend to limit what I can include here. I say imaginings but of course the delusion of OCD thinking makes them real, even though at the core of our being that rational aspect of our persona knows that our thinking is irrational, or at the least exaggerated. Yet we cannot resist, ignore it or actively go against it. Yesterday I was haunted by thoughts that would not be dispelled, not even by keeping my mind occupied, which sometimes does help to mitigate my thoughts to some degree. In many ways my OCD has taken a turn for the worse as indeed it does if you are exposed to additional difficulties in your life, which has been the case recently,  and if you do not get any support.

Yes in recent years I have been offered CBT but only a very limited number of sessions, the  last time only seven were on offer, which would do little if anything to tackle the huge and pervasive problem with my OCD. Moreover depression and inability to concisely express the nature of my OCD, which is so interwoven and complex, made CBT inappropriate for me. The psychologist was willing to try and at least remove some of the burden and incapacitating aspect of my OCD but I simply just couldn't cope with the process of CBT, writing it all down was one of the biggest hurdles, writing down thoughts as they came and their consequent obsession, the problem being that I can not do so concisely and the thoughts and the compulsions and obsessions are just too continuous and numerous that this would be impossible. Yes I could  sort out a selection of the simplest thoughts to work on, at least I could have done so in the past but these days may ability to sort through the maelstrom of confused thinking would be exhausting if indeed it was possible at all. Years ago when I was younger and not so bogged down, entrenched in years of habitual thinking I probably could have done so but not now. The addition of those blasted headaches and other problems did not help, the anxiety about attending sessions and intensive conversation for an hour is difficult if you have the type and frequency of headaches that I have. Also sensory issues, sitting talking to the psychologist with the window as a backdrop was a sensory issue and one which I found difficult to cope as the light seemed bright and I was sensitive. Yes I could have said something but having had an experience with a psychologist in the past who really was not at all understanding about my need to have him switch off the florescent lighting I simply felt I could not face another confrontation with people's lack of understanding about such matters, even though in this case I may have got a more favourable response.

Now don't let my experiences with CBT put you off, this is one of the reasons I feel so incapacitated in my ability to write, the fear of saying something that may be of detriment and make some take an action they would otherwise not have taken or an inaction they should have taken. So I emphasise these are my experiences due to having quite severe and entrenched OCD, quite severe, along with other medical conditions and a simple inability to write down anything concisely. Years ago I was able to write down thoughts as they come but right now I simply am not able to do so. Furthermore there are other issues with CBT that I cannot write about here. I regret not being able to have CBT as it is a useful treatment for OCD, and helped a former friend of mine to live an almost normal life as it helped her to cope more effectively when OCD reared its ugly head.

Furthermore concerning my entries here,  too much intensive writing of this nature makes my neck, back and whole body ache due to what I believe is Fibromyalgia. And this is now the reason I am about to finish this entry due to this problem which adds to all the other frustrations of not only writing but also other activities . Last week cleaning the sitting room made my neck and entire body ache so bad I could barely cope. The pain began within only an half hour of commencing my cleaning, but I pushed through knowing that this was not a good idea, but I simply wanted it done. We have a lot of clutter, it has to be cleaned. Two obsessive-compulsive behaviours together like this brings real misery at times although there are mixed feelings about our clutter; there would be great sadness and anxiety if we got rid of it and on some level I like our clutter but there are times when it is oppressive and adds a dimension of suffering to my difficult existence . Indeed OCD is complex and mine right now is so pervasive, so many obsessions and compulsions coalesce to make life increasing more difficult.

I had wanted to make this blog into more of a dairy but this seems impossible as daily inclusions would simply be too difficult for all the above reasons, and than some. So perhaps the next best thing is simply to write what I can, when I can,  and if I can and perhaps write my experiences rather like letter to a friend were you catch up on events that have occurred since writing last. Not ideal I know and I was hoping to sign up for Word Press or other blog but would find it a pressure to have to make daily inclusions as of course I could not post back dated batches as I do now.

February 5th

Returning from a trip to the shops I see just peeping out through the soil the beginnings if life, the tips of snow drops in the border beside our house. A welcome sign of spring, greatly appreciated during the worse winter we have had since our arrival in the Northeast seven years ago. The proprietortress of the local shop, a really pleasant person that even I feel at ease with, complained about the dreadful weather and said that she really felt as though she could stand no more.

The snow has gone though and despite my anxieties I miss it and regret allowing myself to be disturbed by the exaggerated doom mongering scenarios spread about by the media, such scenarios as the possibility of our whole infrastructure collapsing. I am determined I am not going to allow this tendency in our society supported by the media to make my life more unbearable than it is right now. Look at what we had to contend with last year, reports concerning the financial  crisis had you thinking we were about to plunge into a 1930s type depression, than there was the swine flu beginning in the spring last year with emphasis on the possibility of an epidemic of plague proportions similar to that which occurred just after world war Two. I have hardly been to the cinema for months after someone coughing in the back row for fear of contracting swine flu. We nearly cancelled our holiday last year for similar fears. I hope I am not tempting fate here, after all swine flu is a reality, it could still snow with severe temperatures and resulting chaos and finances well... yes life has been more difficult of course with prices escalating ,  and yes talking about it is making me quite anxious.

With our usual damp problems which are worse downstairs but less so here in the spare room it is not easy getting through the winter and it adds to the day to day misery of life. We have had other personal problems and issues too numerous to describe in detail, all of which seem more difficult during the cold and dark winter months. We have hardly been out and about other than routine business.  In past years we have gone into dales despite the winter weather even if only for a short walk, a drink and a plate of chips in the pub and to sit ands read in the car watching the sheep graze and admiring the scenery, but since the snow we have not been to the Yorkshire dales and with that thick fog we seem to getting right now its really not worth going as you will see nothing and the bitter cold this year seems more penetrating more persistent. Although it could simply be may ability to cope has diminished and my capacity to make the best of it or appreciate even the winter in beautiful surroundings has gone. I most certainly hate to see sheep and other animals such as  horses and cows out in the bitter cold weather with no shelter, not even a tree, in the exposed hills of the dales or trapped in fields with not even a wall to shelter behind and I cannot help but think about the thousands of sheep who die of pneumonia or exposure, including tiny lambs born by mans manipulations, far too early.

Yes the snow drops are a most welcome sign yet still I hanker for snow. The strange incongruity of mixed feelings is something I hoped to write about in depth at some point. My son always uses that irritating phrase, 'some Point' a procrastinators way of deferring something for an indefinite time .

February 6th

This morning the weather is yet again foggy, I feel as though I like the lady in the shop have had more than I can stand. The forecast for next week is more of the same. We have hardly seen the sun for weeks ! In fact during the snow and severe artic like condtions when the sun came out it was beautiful and outside our window the woods in the distance look like a picture on a Christmas card, but since than the days have been dull dank and foggy. More like November than January and February.

To day I am so depressed and fiddle about with my websites, incapacitated by indecision, my thinking confused. What I once found satisfaction in and a sense of purpose OCD has turned into a misery and I continue to contend with it but it is so difficult and no one really understands. I feel like crying, like screaming and never stopping. I really wish I was normal, I hate OCD it takes your life, your soul, the every essence of your beings, whatever it touches it turns to misery and suffering. wherever you turn your attention there is OCD waiting to distort, destroy and  pollute with its insidious manipulations. Many say I write well about OCD but there are many things that  I can never write about because of fears that by doing so I will make the thoughts real, bring about the fruition of my fears and this kind of OCD is right now taking the upper hand . Sitting here, I am wondering if I will ever publish the above, it I do it will be way after they have been written and after much obsessing and ruminating.

February 7th

Its the early hours of the morning again. my waking time is now 3.50. Yes as incredible as that sounds most days I wake at that time or close to it. This morning I have an awful headache, my thoughts are crowding my mind and have haunted my sleep and I feel so much despair. There is no one to share my thoughts with, to get a rational perspective simply because this time I feel I just cannot talk to anyone as my thinking seems so bizarre and I know no one will understand and as I have said before I fear that verbalising them or writing them down will lead to disastrous consequences. So here I am tramped in some dreadful imagings which I obviously feel are much more than imagination with no way of getting help or getting someone else's perspective, which can sometimes help in some circumstances.

To wake with such a headache on so many mornings is... well... just too awful to describe how miserable it feels. Also after rising one of those attacks of tingling hands and numbness which spreads down one side of my body, which always frightens the hell out of me even though I have been told that it either has something to do with my migraine or is caused by anxiety.

This has been an awful week headache wise. I have had at least three migraines since Monday and a severe tension headache just when I had to go out for an appointment. Anxious it could be migraine, although there were doubts, I took my medication, but it was not migraine and somehow I had to cope, but it was virtually as bad, but the meds work only for migraine. This is another fear of mine that my medication will stop working if I take too many  and when a severe tension headaches feels so much like migraine and I take my pills and nothing happens... well you can imagine the panic, at least I hope you can, but quite honesty I really consider that few people really know what it is like for another person, to really understand how another persons sufferers, to experience real empathy.

Previous to this week I had had nearly four weeks migraine free. This has happened before but not for such a long intermission, so I was really hoping that perhaps at the very least my migraine might settle down to the more normal frequency with which it occurs in most people, about once a month to six weeks. But no, on Monday last week back it came with a vengeance, three in as many days. I have previously had short respites of nearly two weeks but after this time I get as many as four or five a week for a week or two as though it has to make up for lost time. But this time after nearly four weeks I was so hopeful. I am only in the first week of their return so expect more frequent migraines for a while until it settles down to one every five or seven days . On average I guess I get between two and three a week! To be without these headaches would be a great enhancement to my life.  It would be such a boon to get rid of at least one of them, either the tension headache or the migraine. I can just about cope with a tension headache if not too severe and if I had just migraine well at least I would not have the dilemma of knowing which is which and having to wait for many hours in dreadful pain before taking my medication until I am sure it is migraine . The fear being as I have explained many times is that if I take my migraine meds for the wrong headache and the real thing turns up a few hours later I will have to wait for many hours before I can take more medication.

Well its now 6.28 am and I have to turn my attention elsewhere and respond to some e-mail, more obsessing. Well obsessing of course accompanies every endeavour in my life and that is the truth, no exaggeration.

I don't mind the early hours in the spring and summer but in the winter it feels as though it will never get light. But it is best I come here and work on my computer rather than lying in bed thinking,  working either on this or my other website, or other activities which help to distract but sadly bring their own measure of anxiety. But I call this a positive anxiety meaning that at least something useful arises from my torment. A least after checking and obsessing over written work there is a positive outcome even though the torture by which it was obtained is considerable, it is better than that for example checking doors and light switches. Yes I do do that sort of checking to some degree and the other night I was driven crazy with the notion I have left the kettle switched on. At least something gets written which I hope will help others to at least make them feel less alone in their sufferings. Concerning my animal rights website I hoped that something I say will make people stop eating meat and think differently about animals. Even though these activities are torturous endeavours due to OCD they do give me a sense of purpose and without them I feel I would slip into an even deeper depression than I have already.

It breaks my heart to live in a society that is blind to the suffering of other sentient beings, and yes it does make me more depressed, but once one is aware of the plight of others whether they be human or non human you can't set it aside, there is no turning back, you cannot make yourself unaware, at least I can't. I do not expect to be happy any more but I hope to find some satisfaction in my endeavours, but right now this seems unlikely for no matter how much I do it is never right and the time wasted checking and obsessing  is just so dam depressing and frustrating and a real time waster, but for now there appears to be little I can do about it.

It would help if I had someone to edit my work but my son feels he cannot cope with the amount of writing that I do and besides he has his own problems to contend with, likewise my husband who also has an attention deficit far worse than mine and would not even notice my mistakes.  We all somehow have to cope alone in our own little self contained worlds of unhappiness which it appears that not one else can enter, nor understand or indeed wishes to as just so many people are preoccupied with their own lives. Must stop now so much to obsess about and correct, the more I write of course the more I have to check.

February 8th

Well I must load up my entries today. Yes indeed it all sounds so repetitive and that is because it is. Nothing seems to improve. People with OCD need a lot of support and encouragement, which I really do not have as all three of us struggle with our own respective problems and other than CBT and medication, both of which are not available for me for reasons discussed before, there is no support at all from outside. I have little contact with anyone other than my husband and son and an acquaintance we see about twice each year who does not know about my mental health issues. I consider that once someone has made progress he or she should not be left to their own devices and periodic checks should be made. But this does not happen as there are not the resources available on the NHS. I made good progress in the past but It is just so easy to slip back into OCD behaviours. People think you are weak minded but they do not understand the power of OCD, its persistence to get its own way. It is a huge battle with a formidable foe and sadly few battles are ever fought alone with any success. Many years ago when we lived in the south east a doctor once said that you have to fight these issues alone, that everyone has to learn to cope alone and you should not look to the support of others. In my opinion there are few if any endeavours in life that one can do alone in isolation. Human beings despite the everyone man for himself mentality we have these days have to work in co-operation, think about it, there is no aspect of your life can be achieved alone from the simplest to the most complex. From the doctor getting his doctorate to practice medicine to my having do the laundry we all need the cooperation of others. He needed the expertise of others in order to learn, books and tuition, I need clean water, washing powder all of which cannot happen independently of other people. The process of bringing your water from the reservoir to your home is complex and requires the assistance of many people. All of this is so obvious of course but few stop to think how dependent we all are upon one another. And none more so than people with mental health conditions, or any medical conditition, we all need the support of other people. No man is an island, entire of itself...John Donne

Yet so many of us struggle in isolation