February 3rd

There have not been many entries recently and this is due mostly to a sense of urgency to complete a section of my other website,
www.think-differently-about-sheep.com Well not a section only a part of it. I am experiencing a huge amount of difficulty writing these days due to my OCD, a problem about which I have mentioned many times but which is getting so much worse that every endeavour that involves writing is becoming increasing more difficult, taking much longer and is riddled with doubt, stress, despair  and at times incapacity. It is only with some determination that I press on knowing that the alternative of giving into my mind will mean only an increase in depression. So continue or conceded defeat I cannot win whatever I do. I had worked on this section, which is only partly complete, intermittently since August of last year. Obsessing about facts checking and checking over and over, its has been a misery. The more I check facts the more new information I acquire and the longer whatever I write seems to get, the consequence of which is still more checking.

The addition of perfectionism adds to the mix, a futile quest for anyone but for someone with an attention deficit who makes mistakes and may not see them despite endless checking, the goal of perfection is impossible. The fear of causing harm by what I write and the fearful imaginings make the endeavour a further misery. At one point I was ready to add to the recycle bin!  But I am a person with a mission, a head filled with thoughts and ideas too numerous to bring  to fruition if indeed I had the ability  to do so. I feel with my sheep website that it perhaps has to be more close to perfect, or at least more accurate concerning writing and the accuracy of what I write more than this one, as of course some inaccuracy due to my medical conditions I imagine will be accepted if not entirely understood, as I know too well that sadly we at times fail to understand one another's variations of OCD or other anxiety conditions.

Also after a long break it is difficult to get back into the flow and I admit I lack the motivation. Also my OCD often puts a limit upon what I feel able to write, superstitious dread and strange imaginings about which I feel too anxious to discuss tend to limit what I can include here. I say imaginings but of course the delusion of OCD thinking makes them real, even though at the core of our being that rational aspect of our persona knows that our thinking is irrational, or at the least exaggerated. Yet we cannot resist, ignore it or actively go against it. Yesterday I was haunted by thoughts that would not be dispelled, not even by keeping my mind occupied, which sometimes does help to mitigate my thoughts to some degree. In many ways my OCD has taken a turn for the worse as indeed it does if you are exposed to additional difficulties in your life, which has been the case recently,  and if you do not get any support.

Yes in recent years I have been offered CBT but only a very limited number of sessions, the  last time only seven were on offer, which would do little if anything to tackle the huge and pervasive problem with my OCD. Moreover depression and inability to concisely express the nature of my OCD, which is so interwoven and complex, made CBT inappropriate for me. The psychologist was willing to try and at least remove some of the burden and incapacitating aspect of my OCD but I simply just couldn't cope with the process of CBT, writing it all down was one of the biggest hurdles, writing down thoughts as they came and their consequent obsession, the problem being that I can not do so concisely and the thoughts and the compulsions and obsessions are just too continuous and numerous that this would be impossible. Yes I could  sort out a selection of the simplest thoughts to work on, at least I could have done so in the past but these days may ability to sort through the maelstrom of confused thinking would be exhausting if indeed it was possible at all. Years ago when I was younger and not so bogged down, entrenched in years of habitual thinking I probably could have done so but not now. The addition of those blasted headaches and other problems did not help, the anxiety about attending sessions and intensive conversation for an hour is difficult if you have the type and frequency of headaches that I have. Also sensory issues, sitting talking to the psychologist with the window as a backdrop was a sensory issue and one which I found difficult to cope as the light seemed bright and I was sensitive. Yes I could have said something but having had an experience with a psychologist in the past who really was not at all understanding about my need to have him switch off the florescent lighting I simply felt I could not face another confrontation with people's lack of understanding about such matters, even though in this case I may have got a more favourable response.

Now don't let my experiences with CBT put you off, this is one of the reasons I feel so incapacitated in my ability to write, the fear of saying something that may be of detriment and make some take an action they would otherwise not have taken or an inaction they should have taken. So I emphasise these are my experiences due to having quite severe and entrenched OCD, quite severe, along with other medical conditions and a simple inability to write down anything concisely. Years ago I was able to write down thoughts as they come but right now I simply am not able to do so. Furthermore there are other issues with CBT that I cannot write about here. I regret not being able to have CBT as it is a useful treatment for OCD, and helped a former friend of mine to live an almost normal life as it helped her to cope more effectively when OCD reared its ugly head.

Furthermore concerning my entries here,  too much intensive writing of this nature makes my neck, back and whole body ache due to what I believe is Fibromyalgia. And this is now the reason I am about to finish this entry due to this problem which adds to all the other frustrations of not only writing but also other activities . Last week cleaning the sitting room made my neck and entire body ache so bad I could barely cope. The pain began within only an half hour of commencing my cleaning, but I pushed through knowing that this was not a good idea, but I simply wanted it done. We have a lot of clutter, it has to be cleaned. Two obsessive-compulsive behaviours together like this brings real misery at times although there are mixed feelings about our clutter; there would be great sadness and anxiety if we got rid of it and on some level I like our clutter but there are times when it is oppressive and adds a dimension of suffering to my difficult existence . Indeed OCD is complex and mine right now is so pervasive, so many obsessions and compulsions coalesce to make life increasing more difficult.

I had wanted to make this blog into more of a dairy but this seems impossible as daily inclusions would simply be too difficult for all the above reasons, and than some. So perhaps the next best thing is simply to write what I can, when I can,  and if I can and perhaps write my experiences rather like letter to a friend were you catch up on events that have occurred since writing last. Not ideal I know and I was hoping to sign up for Word Press or other blog but would find it a pressure to have to make daily inclusions as of course I could not post back dated batches as I do now.

February 5th

Returning from a trip to the shops I see just peeping out through the soil the beginnings if life, the tips of snow drops in the border beside our house. A welcome sign of spring, greatly appreciated during the worse winter we have had since our arrival in the Northeast seven years ago. The proprietortress of the local shop, a really pleasant person that even I feel at ease with, complained about the dreadful weather and said that she really felt as though she could stand no more.

The snow has gone though and despite my anxieties I miss it and regret allowing myself to be disturbed by the exaggerated doom mongering scenarios spread about by the media, such scenarios as the possibility of our whole infrastructure collapsing. I am determined I am not going to allow this tendency in our society supported by the media to make my life more unbearable than it is right now. Look at what we had to contend with last year, reports concerning the financial  crisis had you thinking we were about to plunge into a 1930s type depression, than there was the swine flu beginning in the spring last year with emphasis on the possibility of an epidemic of plague proportions similar to that which occurred just after world war Two. I have hardly been to the cinema for months after someone coughing in the back row for fear of contracting swine flu. We nearly cancelled our holiday last year for similar fears. I hope I am not tempting fate here, after all swine flu is a reality, it could still snow with severe temperatures and resulting chaos and finances well... yes life has been more difficult of course with prices escalating ,  and yes talking about it is making me quite anxious.

With our usual damp problems which are worse downstairs but less so here in the spare room it is not easy getting through the winter and it adds to the day to day misery of life. We have had other personal problems and issues too numerous to describe in detail, all of which seem more difficult during the cold and dark winter months. We have hardly been out and about other than routine business.  In past years we have gone into dales despite the winter weather even if only for a short walk, a drink and a plate of chips in the pub and to sit ands read in the car watching the sheep graze and admiring the scenery, but since the snow we have not been to the Yorkshire dales and with that thick fog we seem to getting right now its really not worth going as you will see nothing and the bitter cold this year seems more penetrating more persistent. Although it could simply be may ability to cope has diminished and my capacity to make the best of it or appreciate even the winter in beautiful surroundings has gone. I most certainly hate to see sheep and other animals such as  horses and cows out in the bitter cold weather with no shelter, not even a tree, in the exposed hills of the dales or trapped in fields with not even a wall to shelter behind and I cannot help but think about the thousands of sheep who die of pneumonia or exposure, including tiny lambs born by mans manipulations, far too early.

Yes the snow drops are a most welcome sign yet still I hanker for snow. The strange incongruity of mixed feelings is something I hoped to write about in depth at some point. My son always uses that irritating phrase, 'some Point' a procrastinators way of deferring something for an indefinite time .

February 6th

This morning the weather is yet again foggy, I feel as though I like the lady in the shop have had more than I can stand. The forecast for next week is more of the same. We have hardly seen the sun for weeks ! In fact during the snow and severe artic like condtions when the sun came out it was beautiful and outside our window the woods in the distance look like a picture on a Christmas card, but since than the days have been dull dank and foggy. More like November than January and February.

To day I am so depressed and fiddle about with my websites, incapacitated by indecision, my thinking confused. What I once found satisfaction in and a sense of purpose OCD has turned into a misery and I continue to contend with it but it is so difficult and no one really understands. I feel like crying, like screaming and never stopping. I really wish I was normal, I hate OCD it takes your life, your soul, the every essence of your beings, whatever it touches it turns to misery and suffering. wherever you turn your attention there is OCD waiting to distort, destroy and  pollute with its insidious manipulations. Many say I write well about OCD but there are many things that  I can never write about because of fears that by doing so I will make the thoughts real, bring about the fruition of my fears and this kind of OCD is right now taking the upper hand . Sitting here, I am wondering if I will ever publish the above, it I do it will be way after they have been written and after much obsessing and ruminating.

 

February 7th

Its the early hours of the morning again. my waking time is now 3.50. Yes as incredible as that sounds most days I wake at that time or close to it. This morning I have an awful headache, my thoughts are crowding my mind and have haunted my sleep and I feel so much despair. There is no one to share my thoughts with, to get a rational perspective simply because this time I feel I just cannot talk to anyone as my thinking seems so bizarre and I know no one will understand and as I have said before I fear that verbalising them or writing them down will lead to disastrous consequences. So here I am tramped in some dreadful imagings which I obviously feel are much more than imagination with no way of getting help or getting someone else's perspective, which can sometimes help in some circumstances.

To wake with such a headache on so many mornings is... well... just too awful to describe how miserable it feels. Also after rising one of those attacks of tingling hands and numbness which spreads down one side of my body, which always frightens the hell out of me even though I have been told that it either has something to do with my migraine or is caused by anxiety.

This has been an awful week headache wise. I have had at least three migraines since Monday and a severe tension headache just when I had to go out for an appointment. Anxious it could be migraine, although there were doubts, I took my medication, but it was not migraine and somehow I had to cope, but it was virtually as bad, but the meds work only for migraine. This is another fear of mine that my medication will stop working if I take too many  and when a severe tension headaches feels so much like migraine and I take my pills and nothing happens... well you can imagine the panic, at least I hope you can, but quite honesty I really consider that few people really know what it is like for another person, to really understand how another persons sufferers, to experience real empathy.

Previous to this week I had had nearly four weeks migraine free. This has happened before but not for such a long intermission, so I was really hoping that perhaps at the very least my migraine might settle down to the more normal frequency with which it occurs in most people, about once a month to six weeks. But no, on Monday last week back it came with a vengeance, three in as many days. I have previously had short respites of nearly two weeks but after this time I get as many as four or five a week for a week or two as though it has to make up for lost time. But this time after nearly four weeks I was so hopeful. I am only in the first week of their return so expect more frequent migraines for a while until it settles down to one every five or seven days . On average I guess I get between two and three a week! To be without these headaches would be a great enhancement to my life.  It would be such a boon to get rid of at least one of them, either the tension headache or the migraine. I can just about cope with a tension headache if not too severe and if I had just migraine well at least I would not have the dilemma of knowing which is which and having to wait for many hours in dreadful pain before taking my medication until I am sure it is migraine . The fear being as I have explained many times is that if I take my migraine meds for the wrong headache and the real thing turns up a few hours later I will have to wait for many hours before I can take more medication.

Well its now 6.28 am and I have to turn my attention elsewhere and respond to some e-mail, more obsessing. Well obsessing of course accompanies every endeavour in my life and that is the truth, no exaggeration.

I don't mind the early hours in the spring and summer but in the winter it feels as though it will never get light. But it is best I come here and work on my computer rather than lying in bed thinking,  working either on this or my other website, or other activities which help to distract but sadly bring their own measure of anxiety. But I call this a positive anxiety meaning that at least something useful arises from my torment. A least after checking and obsessing over written work there is a positive outcome even though the torture by which it was obtained is considerable, it is better than that for example checking doors and light switches. Yes I do do that sort of checking to some degree and the other night I was driven crazy with the notion I have left the kettle switched on. At least something gets written which I hope will help others to at least make them feel less alone in their sufferings. Concerning my animal rights website I hoped that something I say will make people stop eating meat and think differently about animals. Even though these activities are torturous endeavours due to OCD they do give me a sense of purpose and without them I feel I would slip into an even deeper depression than I have already.

It breaks my heart to live in a society that is blind to the suffering of other sentient beings, and yes it does make me more depressed, but once one is aware of the plight of others whether they be human or non human you can't set it aside, there is no turning back, you cannot make yourself unaware, at least I can't. I do not expect to be happy any more but I hope to find some satisfaction in my endeavours, but right now this seems unlikely for no matter how much I do it is never right and the time wasted checking and obsessing  is just so dam depressing and frustrating and a real time waster, but for now there appears to be little I can do about it.

It would help if I had someone to edit my work but my son feels he cannot cope with the amount of writing that I do and besides he has his own problems to contend with, likewise my husband who also has an attention deficit far worse than mine and would not even notice my mistakes.  We all somehow have to cope alone in our own little self contained worlds of unhappiness which it appears that not one else can enter, nor understand or indeed wishes to as just so many people are preoccupied with their own lives. Must stop now so much to obsess about and correct, the more I write of course the more I have to check.

February 8th

Well I must load up my entries today. Yes indeed it all sounds so repetitive and that is because it is. Nothing seems to improve. People with OCD need a lot of support and encouragement, which I really do not have as all three of us struggle with our own respective problems and other than CBT and medication, both of which are not available for me for reasons discussed before, there is no support at all from outside. I have little contact with anyone other than my husband and son and an acquaintance we see about twice each year who does not know about my mental health issues. I consider that once someone has made progress he or she should not be left to their own devices and periodic checks should be made. But this does not happen as there are not the resources available on the NHS. I made good progress in the past but It is just so easy to slip back into OCD behaviours. People think you are weak minded but they do not understand the power of OCD, its persistence to get its own way. It is a huge battle with a formidable foe and sadly few battles are ever fought alone with any success. Many years ago when we lived in the south east a doctor once said that you have to fight these issues alone, that everyone has to learn to cope alone and you should not look to the support of others. In my opinion there are few if any endeavours in life that one can do alone in isolation. Human beings despite the everyone man for himself mentality we have these days have to work in co-operation, think about it, there is no aspect of your life can be achieved alone from the simplest to the most complex. From the doctor getting his doctorate to practice medicine to my having do the laundry we all need the cooperation of others. He needed the expertise of others in order to learn, books and tuition, I need clean water, washing powder all of which cannot happen independently of other people. The process of bringing your water from the reservoir to your home is complex and requires the assistance of many people. All of this is so obvious of course but few stop to think how dependent we all are upon one another. And none more so than people with mental health conditions, or any medical conditition, we all need the support of other people. No man is an island, entire of itself...John Donne

Yet so many of us struggle in isolation

 

February 17th

Again some time as passed with no entries and to be honest I am simply not very motivated right now. I have also not been very well this last few days, that is in addition to the usual misery of my headaches, migraine and  Fibromyalgia aches and pains. Regarding the fibro I was beginning to agree with my GP that these symptoms are the result of depression and stress, the tension of muscles held taut because of my anxious state. However in the last few weeks I once again consider that I may indeed have Fibromyalgia as my aches and pains, fatigue and other symptoms have become much worse. But many would say that a diagnosis is not that important, and regarding getting a cure or even symptom relief, a diagnosis is not likely to make much difference to treatment as there is not a cure and what medication there is for symptom relief is available regardless of diagnosis. Its is just the uncertainty I do not like, the ambiguity that always leaves room for doubt concerning either possibility, or to indeed considering a third possibility of somatization disorder, the symptoms of which are very similar. Yes my doctor says my problems are due to depression and anxiety, so in fact for all intents and purposes I have a diagnosis, but does depression, anxiety and stress explain all the other symptoms in addition to the aches and pains. Perhaps it does but if this is the case could not a similar diagnosis be made to anyone else with Fibromyalgia. But of course everyone who has this condtions was not originally depressed or anxious or suffered with stress, although as the conditition progresses depression will present in all but the most stoic of people, as it is not easy to live ones life suffering aches and pins, the pain in many sufferers is very severe. Conversely not everyone with depression, anxiety and stress will suffer with such symptoms

For Fibromyalgia and indeed any of the other conditions, there is little medication other than pain killers, antidepressants and some other medications which I have not tried and which my doctor has not suggested. I take painkillers for my migraine which I am not keen to take for other pains should taking it too frequently make it less effective. Also my fibro pain is really not the type of pain you would take pain relief medication for, with the exception of severe neck pain which is set off by too much activity, which involves the arms and the way I position my neck. Too much housework can bring it on, well make it worse as of cause the problem with my neck is chronic. Pain medication in any case simply has no effect as after taking my painkillers for my migraine I have noted that this medication makes no difference to the intensity of my all over aches and pains.

I have been referred to a physiotherapist for some exercise therapy, at least that is what I think the referral is for as I have forgotten. My memory a is huge problem these days and a worry. With all medical conditions people suffer to different degrees and regarding fibro I would say compared to the way other people describe this condition mine is moderate, but we cannot know how another person feels pain any more than we can understand how another person experiences depression or anxiety and comparisons serve little purpose. My migraine I guess is top of the list with regards to frequency and pain. I cannot understand why I suffer with them so frequently, on average of about two or three a week but sometimes in spates where I can have them for five to seven days in succession.

This week my misery as been compounded with a cold that is going to my chest and it will take weeks to get rid of it. The last few days I have been just so ill and in addition I have suffered with two migraines and one very severe tension headache which set off a raging toothache. With fibro and a cold you are not sure if the worsening of symptoms are due to a cold that is really flu or simply the extra trauma of having a cold has made the fibro worse.

Thinking about it now I realise that one of the main reasons why I have not been able to make much improvement with my OCD or indeed make any attempt is due to the presence of migraine and tension headaches and Fibromyalgia or what ever one wishes to call it. Whether my GP is right, and I rotate between agreeing with her that it is psychological, it is in any case easier to write Fibromyalgia and as the symptoms are the same I can see no harm particularly as I have made my ambiguous position clear many times, although I would never say to anyone that I have Fibromyalgia without adding that I do not have a formal diagnosis. A person suffering with the disease of doubt, the name the French give to OCD, is not likely to ever feel absolutely certain without a formal diagnosis.

Not everyone gets all symptoms mine areas follows, aches and pains in muscles and stiff and painful joints when I move. The joint pain is limited to one or two areas but moves about. It started in my hips, than my ankles, right now the worst joint problems with the exception of my neck is my knees but only when I move the joint putting pressure on it, it is difficult and painful to get up and down the stairs. I hurt to some degree somewhere or other whenever I move . My problems began in my neck and my neck always is stiff and aches to some extent whenever I move it along with my shoulders and upper back. The muscles of all four limbs are effected, with an ache from mild to moderate, but  severe if I over do it. My whole body feels as though it aches, particularly if I have taken part in some activity which makes my neck pain worse. What happens is the pain seems than to emanate from my neck and make my limbs ache more than usual. The muscles of my legs feel numb after walking only a short distance, both legs will feel also at such times heavy. Right now sitting here my arms are glowing with that aching feeling. Writing or similar activities does not make it worse, unless such is excessive, except if it has already been made worse in the way I am have described above concerning my neck seeming to make the overall aches and pains worse. The aches, pains and stiffness are always much worse after sleeping and I need to move about for a time to alleviate this. In addition I have fatigue but perhaps not as severe as described by many, at least not until recently, as in the last several months I find myself exhausted more in the evenings than I used to be, with general weariness throughout the day. I have disturbed sleep, occasionally waking feeling as though I can't breathe, also episodes of the sensations of chocking or feeling as though I have swallowed something, it is really frightening to be woken from sleep by these attacks. These are thankfully not too frequent occurrences but they are really frightening nonetheless when they do occur. In addition, but less frequently, I sometimes wake with a sensation like electricity coursing through my body or with a sudden consuming numb like feeling which likewise surges through my entire being, it Is really impossible to describe, both of these sensations scare the hell out of me. Also the sensation of my right side of my body going numb and my throat constricting. I am told this may be due to migraine or a kind of anxiety attack but you can imagine that at my age I panic about the possibility of a much more serious scenario. Also what is described as brain fog and confusion and memory problems add to my difficulties although problems with memory I have had in childhood and again as I get older are perhaps to be expected and have got much worse lately and again like many of these symptoms are scary.

All the above are fuel for the average hypochondriac and have caused and continue to cause me much anxiety. Have I left anything out!!!! Well my migraine and tension headaches of course should not be seen in isolation and these conditions often present in people with Fibromyalgia; headaches are also listed as possible symptoms of Fibromyalgia. Last but must certainly not least is my IBS, a real bane for someone with OCD, and indeed anyone else, but with OCD of course you have the added contamination anxiety, if this is apart of your OCD. Both the IBS and the headaches/migraine make extra difficulties getting out and about and compound such difficulties with getting out that present with my OCD. Irritable bladder also presents as part of IBS but is sometimes included in the symptoms of Fibromyalgia and is for me a huge problem. There are few days when I do not feel as though I have an urgent need to urinate the moment I step outside the door! Yes anxiety will no doubt does compound this. I also visit the toilet for IBS or irritable bladder dozens of times during the day and indeed my sleep is broken by the need to use the toilet. You cannot imagine what a detriment this is all on it's own. The anxiety of social interaction, a visit to the doctor, optician or dentist  is made considerably worse with this constant urge to urinate even seconds after having been. These days there are few public toilets. At the optician I have to ask to use the staff toilet as there is not a customer toilet as such, no big deal I guess for any normal person who may need to ask only once and maybe not at all but for someone like me it is embarrassing and awkward. In one optician I had to leave the building and climb a flight of stairs to use their toilet, which I imagine was shared with other businesses in the building.

Not everyone has all the symptoms. Here is list of the symptoms from:
UK Fibromyalgia - What is Fibromyalgia (FM)? where you will find lots of useful information

Symptoms and Associated symptoms

Pain - The pain of fibromyalgia has no boundaries. Quite often, the pain and stiffness are worse in the morning and you may hurt more in muscle groups that are used repetitively. People with FMS suffer chronic widespread pain, which can be described as burning,
throbbing, shooting, or stabbing, Painful areas often include the upper back, shoulders, neck, the low back, and other areas around the joints. Many people will say, "I hurt all over."

Fatigue - This symptom can be mild in some patients and yet incapacitating in others. The fatigue has been described as "brain fatigue" in which patients feel totally drained of energy. Many patients depict this situation by saying that they feel as though their arms and legs are tied to concrete blocks, and they have difficulty concentrating. Most people with FMS complain of fatigue. It can be profound, interfering with all daily activities.

Sleep disorder - Most fibromyalgia patients have an associated sleep disorder called the alpha-EEG anomaly. This condition was uncovered in a sleep lab with the aid of a machine which recorded the brain waves of patients during sleep. Researchers found that fibromyalgia syndrome patients could fall asleep without much trouble, but their deep level (or stage 4) sleep was constantly interrupted by bursts of awake-like brain activity.). The sleep pattern for clinically depressed patients is distinctly different from that found in FMS or CFS.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome - Constipation, diarrhoea, frequent abdominal pain, abdominal gas and nausea represents symptoms frequently found in roughly 40% to 70% of fibromyalgia patients.

Chronic headaches - Recurrent migraine or tension-type headaches are seen in about 50% of fibromyalgia patients and can pose as a major problem in coping for this patient group.

Temporo-mandibular Joint Dysfunction Syndrome - This syndrome, sometimes referred to
as TMJD, causes tremendous face and head pain in one quarter of FMS patients. However, a
1997 report indicates that as many as 90% of fibromyalgia patients may have jaw and facial tenderness that could produce, at least intermittently, symptoms of TMJD. Most of the problems associated with this condition are thought to be related to the muscles and ligaments surrounding the joint and not necessarily the joint itself.

Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Syndrome - Sensitivities to odours, noise, bright lights, medications and various foods is common in roughly 50% of FMS or CFS patients.

Other common symptoms - Painful menstrual periods (dysmenorrhea), chest pain, morning stiffness, cognitive or memory impairment, numbness and tingling sensations, muscle twitching, irritable bladder, the feeling of swollen extremities, skin sensitivities, dry eyes and mouth, frequent changes in eye prescription, dizziness, and impaired coordination can occur.

Your will also find comprehensive information on the following website:

Fibromyalgia Symptoms, Treatment of Fibromyalgia, FMS treatment

The worst ache right now is my neck, with the exception of migraine that is. My Fibromyalgia started gradually beginning with my neck, well to be precise the pain in this region includes my upper back just below the neck.  It began twenty years ago just after I lost my baby daughter who was still born, although I understand that  Fibromyalgia has most likely have been present for years. The other day I read an article suggesting that fibromyalgia can be present in childhood and adolescence, presenting for instance as lack of stamina, I most defiantly have lacked stamina my entire life! 

Well the ache in my neck is so bad  I am going  to have to leave it there.

 

February 19th

So why all the in-depth complaining above. Mostly I guess to fulfil the need to vent and to get people to understand what life is like for me, as sadly few people do, even fellow sufferers.  I think the most important issue here is that these condtions, and other anxieties disorders including chronic depression and also my AS, have most certainly played a role in the intractable nature of my OCD.  It is not easy to seek treatment for OCD or to participate in therapy when you feel so ill and when you find it difficult to communicate your needs effectively. These days it is not quite as difficult to communicate at least some of the problems if I do so in
writing - although concerning OCD it is more difficult even in writing to convey the complex web of obsessive-compulsive behaviours in such a way as to be able to participate in a course of CBT - as some psychologists, GPs and other health specialists are quite willing to read written information, indeed the last physiotherapist  was very grateful. But this was not always the case and I recall a psychiatrist many years ago being quite annoyed, irritated  in fact when I presented him with a written explanation about how my OCD effected me. He was  standing in for my regular psychiatrist  and it appeared to me he could care less and it was he who recommend I that I be admitted to a psychiatric hospital which was really in retrospect unnecessary and  a complete waste of time, in fact my regular CPN was not in agreement with it. But here I digress if I am not careful.

The point I am trying to make is that you cannot treat a person in isolation. You need to take into account the co-existence of other conditition. Why is my OCD intractable, while other people seem to learn how to cope? Why is my OCD perhaps more severe than most, why does it appear more pervasive, manifesting in so many ways that there are few areas of my life, if indeed there are any, that are not effected by it while for other sufferers perhaps only one or two manifestations present? I am not of course saying that it is any easier to have only a couple of manifestations, no indeed not because they will consume your life just as much as do numerous manifestations of OCD. I do not believe at this stage there is a cure as such but there is certainly more help than was once the case when I was diagnosed, but such seems only effective for some people with a small percentage of sufferers remaining in an intractable condition with a continued increase in symptoms and a decrease in your periphery of existence. Of course all medical conditions of this nature vary in intensity and maybe it is all simply down to what ever neurological aspect, which I firmly believe that OCD is, being much worse in those of us who have intractable or more severe OCD. However the presence of other conditions would surely make coping with OCD at any level much more difficult and hinder progress. I think the more those of us who suffer with OCD and indeed any other anxiety disorder continue to talk about how it effects us, speak out about our lives, than hopefully treatment in the future may take into  consideration our overall circumstances and bring about the holistic treatment of this conditition.

So I do not describe my other conditions to gain sympathy or because I am self pitying, but simply to tell it as it is, which is really very difficult. And just now as I got up to come and work on this entry I thought that there really is no adequate way either by writing or speaking to explain just what it is like to have OCD, how it takes away your life, eats at your mind, your soul if you like, the every essence of who you are. Sometimes there are simply no words that adequately convey the suffering of someone with OCD, suffering that few understand as a real illness, one which sucks the very life out of you, but one that could so easily be alleviated with the right support and sometimes just a little encouragement. I do wonder though if we will ever get others to really understand what it is like, I really doubt that anyone has any real theory of mind and understands the mental states of others if they do not suffer in a similar way. But not just negative states, any state of my mind. For me more positive states are incomprehensible to me sometimes. I can relate more to negative states of mind but not to positive ones.

Still though I think it is good nonetheless to do our best to describe what it is like to have OCD, or agoraphobia, or hypochondria or depression, remembering with depression and indeed OCD the very conditions themselves my be inhibitive to you really explaining adequately what it is like to suffer in this way. OCD fears really prevent me from any compiling a real account of what my life is like because of thoughts that what I write my cause harm, but not in any obvious way. Depression can be so deep that sufferers become catatonic or simply too depressed to sit and type or write or do anything. And even if you can do these things whist depressed it may be only because there is usually some driving force that pushes you past your depression so that you can write, such as a compulsive need to do so, but it is nonetheless a considerable effort and should not be seen as an indication that the person does not suffer with depression. So do not think that because a depressed person can sit and type about his or her depression that they are not depressed. This is one of the most erroneous and indeed harmful misconceptions about depression, not only made by the general uniformed public but also by some mental health professionals.

I hate it when therapists make this implication. They ask how you are coping and go on to tell you that because you got to the consultation that you are coping, that you got through the day so you are coping. Yes I have had that said to me. What do they mean about getting through the day anyway; if I am breathing at the end of the day  or have not had a complete breakdown, I have coped? Somehow I got through the day and went to the appointment but it was not without complying with OCD rituals, struggling with depression, a headache or social anxiety. I got to the consultation because my husband took me ,I could not go alone, I got to the consolation with bloody determination because I simply cannot cope with life and need some help and not to be told I am coping. Now I can't cope with therapy which means this is the worse time in my life for dealing with my OCD, but no one knows I can't cope with getting help because I cannot see a therapist or cope with the only therapy available. Hope you see what I am getting at. People will try and tell you are okay. One CPN told me he always took his shoes off before entering his house because leaving them on would ruin his expensive carpets, the comment was meant to tell me that perhaps my behaviours were not really that abnormal. Such is insulting and simple ignorance about the pervasive effects of OCD. The above experiences  were a while ago now and the last psychologist I did see offered me therapy and really understood that I was in need of help and seemed genuinely concerned when I said I could not cope with CBT. But in the main few really understand, so hopefully what I write will help improve understanding...if anyone reads it that is. Excuse my cynicism but I rather doubt that any mental health professional would take the time to read what a real suffer has to say, preferring to stick to the second hand knowledge in text books now rather out of date in  the light of increasing evidence that OCD is neurological

Making comparisons and telling you are are coping when you are not are just so heart breaking, I have sat there and felt like crying. Again the comparisons serve no purpose and are psychologically destructive, demeaning, frustrating and induce guilt. Concerning my depression I have had comparisons with catatonic patients.

You know I really think I have to leave it there as the whole subject is making me depressed and just lately I find it so difficult see the good in anyone. 

Must add one positive thing and that is my son is now seeing a psychologist with whom he can relate.

February 21st

Its snowing again. Yes I do love the snow but worry about tiny lambs in a field near our village and indeed lambs everywhere who are born long before nature intended due to man's interference in the from of selective breeding and other more direct interventions. Sheep in the normal course of events should not give birth until spring however some lambs are born as early as December! Saturday we walled down to take photographs, the sun was shinning, it was chilly but you could feel the warmth in the sun and with it the promise of approaching spring, and tiny lambs were laying about in the sunshine, or skipping in the field playing just like children.

Today though its back to the bitter cold of winter with snow falling thick and fast and my mind turns to these tiny creature who hardly have any fleece to protect them. Although I like the snow, but not as I once did due to such anxieties, it has been a long and difficult winter. My husband has caught my cold so he can't go out, we need bread to feed the birds but I simply cannot cope with going out alone and have to wake my son from his Sunday morning lie to accompany me. He for reasons that no one will understand, so I am  not going to bother to try and explain, and besides I am not sure if it is the right thing to go into too much detail about other family members without their permission, he does not like walking about in the village and has never been to the local shop. So it was rather an ordeal for both of us. I know I said in an earlier entry that I would not allow my fears or the scare mongering of others to spoil my enjoyment of the snow, but it does seem to come at the most difficult times. However I have to consider that such difficulties are the result of my perspective, one that is influenced or rather hijacked, which may be a more appropriate word, by OCD. For most these are minor annoyances, but for people with our problems going to the shops becomes a huge trauma. I know this and I even said this to my son but still you feel the way you do and you cannot convince yourself otherwise and lay your anxieties to rest.

Here are a couple of photographs we took of lambs on the way home from one of our few trips out this winter. We stopped at a field full of lambs and their mothers, we saw these lambs in early February and they were quite big than compared to tiny new born lambs, so they were born early. We went again a couple of weeks later to take more photographs and on both occasions the wind was bitterly cold.

You might think I have become carried away or confused between my two websites. But from time to time I like to simply say what is on my mind. There is more to anyone of us than our OCD, however if on a web blog all we talk about is our OCD than this will give the impression that our lives consist only of OCD. Yes indeed OCD does hijack your life and interferes with every endeavour, but we are not our OCD and there are important things in our lives, our interests, our world view and other concerns not directly related to OCD, such as for me injustices like the dreadful abuse of our fellow creatures with whom we share this world, including our own species of course, and often I feel the great need to speak out. The atrocity of factory farming, for all animals of course not just sheep, is a shocking and barbaric practice that needs to be eradicated as we finally eradicated Slavery. And don't forget that people once justified slavery even using scripture for such justification. It is my hope that like slavery factory farming, the rearing and killing of animals for food and other products will once and forever be consigned to the history books.

By coincidence in today's Care2 daily action is :
Rock On With Meat-Free Monday

"Would you believe that the livestock industry releases more greenhouse gas emissions than the whole of the transport sector? Inspired by a 2006 UN report that discovered that fact, Paul McCartney launched Meat-Free Monday in the UK, giving people an easy, but important way to reduce their carbon footprint.

Celebrities around the world have signed on. Gwyneth Paltrow wrote about it on her blog, and even Al Gore endorsed the plan.

For today's Daily Action, watch Paul McCartney’s video encouraging us to go one day a week without eating meat, and accept his challenge this
Monday!"

Here is the direct link to the article as the daily action changes from day to day and by the time I finally publish my blog it will be different action.

8 Reasons To Rock-On With Meat-Free Monday (with Paul McCartney and Gwyneth Pa

For me in addition to these eight reasons, which on the whole may seem a little human orientated but sound reasons nonetheless to go vegetarian or vegan, top of the list should be: We need to stop eating meat and rearing animals for other products because it is cruel, because they are sentient beings who like us experience pain and suffering and who like us simply want to live.

Also the day before there was another very welcome Care 2 action to take and that was to read the following article concerning wool:

Think Wool is a Great Alternative to Fur? Think Again.

"Fur!" you may be saying. "Disgusting! How cruel!"

But wool? Many people believe sheep need haircuts, that we're doing them a favor by shearing them. And isn't wool a nice, eco-friendly, sustainable product?

Well, no. A lot of people -- even those still wearing fur -- have heard of the cruelty of the fur industry. There are a number of videos (viewer beware: the images are hard to handle) showing the horrible realities of fur. But the cruel happenings within the wool industry don't always garner the same attention. There are a lot of people who still consider wool to be a "humane" alternative to fur. And some eco-friendly clothing stores and websites carry wool products, adding to the misconception that wool is just a leftover from when a hippie gives a pet sheep a haircut.

But the real story of the wool industry is far from a fairytale of life on the commune.

Let's start with this fact: people who shear sheep get paid per sheep, not by the hour. So when they cut sheep's hair away, they want to do it as fast as they can, which inevitably leads to rough handling and abuse of the animals. The handlers don't wait patiently for the sheep to canter over and the sheep don't sit still while they're being sheared. The process is quite rough. Most sheep are injured and bleed. To maximize thickness of the coat, many sheep are sheared in Spring, long before they would naturally shed their wool. This leaves sheep naked and cold.

The sheep live in crowded, dirty conditions, like every other mass-produced animal. And like other exploited animals, we have bred sheep so large that they can barely support their own body weight. Many die in their holding pens. They get lice, fleece rot, foot rot and their tails are cut off without anesthesia. And male sheep are castrated without anesthesia, too. The procedure is either performed with a knife, or by placing a tight rubber band around the animal's scrotum until it shrivels up and falls off.

And many baby lambs born in these crowded conditions are trampled to death.
Read the entire article:Think Wool is a Great Alternative to Fur? Think Again.
 

February 23rd

There is little understanding on the part of the vast majority of people for the plight of the mentally ill and there is much discrimination.  The new campaign, or welfare reform if you which to call it that, to force the disabled back into work, supported by the majority of the uninformed public spurred on by tabloid newspapers with comments like: "It is telling that more than1.1million incapacity claimants are not suffering from any physical disability at all, but get their handouts by moaning about problems like “stress” and “depression”.Leo Mckinsky Sunday Express October 25th 2009, shows a  complete lack of understanding for people with mental health conditions. Society in modern times discriminates against the mentally ill, this discrimination occurs mostly in the work place, yet the public have little sympathy for those with mental health problems and are behind the government's draconian methods of forcing sick people back to work only to be faced with discrimination in the work place as 60 percent of employers will not employ a person with a mental health problem. This is a nightmare of misery for people with a psychological condition and compounds their suffering and in one case known to myself may have caused someone to have a complete breakdown. Beside the fact that the vast majority on Incapacity benefit have a diagnosis made by a qualified psychiatrist or other mental health professional and are unfit for conventional employment, they are made to feel like frauds and malingerers. 

Many people with a mental health problem have been told they are fit for work after not passing a very dubious medical which really isn't a medical but rather an assessment to see if you are able to work. I have referred to this in my November blog.

Moreover while caught in this limbo people who already receive little finances to live a full life now have had their benefits cut in some cases by nearly 50 percent and told to get a job!

For these people, most whom are in reality not able to participate in a normal working day, and indeed for a person with a mental health problem who feels capable of work, they will be met with discrimination.

Please read the  article below from which I have included a few extracts hoping to whet your appetite. The article is part of a very timely website campaigning against discrimination which is prevalent not only in the work place but in all aspects of life. Not only are we blatantly discriminated against in much the same way as racial discrimination there is it seems no law to prevent such discrimination.

The article comments on a report entitled a World Without which asks us to perceive a world without Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Florence Nightingale and Marie Curie all of whom suffered with depression. Please read the extract below or go now immediately to the full article.

"Would his depression have stopped Churchill becoming PM in modern Britain?" |

"Would his depression have stopped Churchill becoming PM in modern Britain?"
09 February 2009
Alastair Campbell, former Director of Communications for No 10, says Winston Churchill might never have made it to the top job if he’d worked in 21st Century Britain. He believes modern-day attitudes to mental health are in some ways more discriminatory now than then, and that Churchill’s depression, which he famously called his black dog, would have been held against him.

The claim is part of a report released today, co-authored by Campbell and historian Nigel Jones, on behalf of mental health campaign Time to Change. It looks at five great historical figures, all of whom had mental health problems, and suggests they may have fared less well had they worked under the intense glare of today’s media and often unforgiving public scrutiny.

The report, entitled ‘A World Without’, examines the achievements of Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Florence Nightingale and Marie Curie and asks how different our world would be if they had been sidelined because of prejudice about mental problems; without a President Lincoln, who held the United States together through civil war and led the fight to abolish slavery, would we have seen a President Obama? Without Florence Nightingale, described by psychiatrists of today as a ‘classic case of Bipolar Disorder’, would modern healthcare have developed as it has? Without Marie Curie, hospitalised because of her depression, how many more people would have been killed by cancer? ...

...I sometimes wonder how these great historic figures would have fared had they been alive today . Churchill with his depressions, drinking and long lie-ins; Darwin with his severe anxiety that showed up in stomach disorders, crippling headaches, agoraphobia, trembling, palpitations of the heart, and mental torment which often left him in floods of tears. Would the media and public have been understanding about their conditions?

Please be sure to down load the pdf file A world Without, a link to which is included on the webpage of the article above,  and which I will include here again, "Would his depression have stopped Churchill becoming PM in modern Britain?" | and read the short biographies of the aforementioned people. 

Below is a link to the home page

Let's End Mental Health Discrimination | Time To Change

This is a very important website for those of us with mental health problems. Not only does it highlight discrimination but it will help you to feel that despite your condition you may be able to make a difference. The information also supports the misconception that if you are able to do certain things and not lying in a catatonic state you cannot be depressed. This kind of attitude often leads to many people who suffer with depression receiving inadequate treatment or understanding.

I would also like to comment that although it may well be the case that a person with a mental health conditition may well be highly talented, or well above average intelligence with exceptional even genius levels of creative ability, they are not necessarily able to work in the conventional work place. Society has to change its attitude towards the mentally ill. All of us have something to contribute and society would not be what it is today without the people mentioned above. It was the more accepting attitude of society that allowed these people to make a difference. But society needs to accommodate those of us who are not able to work or go about any aspect of our lives in a conventional manner.

Sadly in our greed driven self centred society little is likely to change without a fundamental change in the economic system. With few exceptions the work place in the capitalist dominated twenty first century is exploitative, very unforgiving, too demanding and unlikely to be willing to accommodate the needs of the mentally ill or for that matter anyone with any disability.

Things have to change and such changes come about slowly, but without support they will never happen at all. Here in the UK we have made great strides against racial discrimination even though there are many who do their utmost to undermine this . Now is the time to put an end once and for all to discrimination against the mentally ill.

Visit the website and take part in one or all of the actions under the heading  Get Involved, such as get an Action Pack, one may be downloaded containing posters, leaflets and ideas for action you can take, or your own personal action plan.

Even if you  really are not up to doing anything do visit this website as there is a lot of useful and interesting information for you even if you do not live in the UK

Here is their mission

About Us
Time to Change is England's most ambitious programme to end discrimination faced by people who experience mental health problems.

Our vision:
To make lives better for everyone by ending mental health discrimination

Our mission:
To inspire people to work together to end the discrimination surrounding mental health
 

Here again is the link to the Time to Change Website in case you have not yet visited

Let's End Mental Health Discrimination | Time To Change

This campaign has been in progress since 2008 and I cannot understand why I have only just stumbled upon it here on the net. Without the internet I doubt if I would be aware of it ever! Even with the internet I only came across it by searching for famous people who suffered with depression; links to this website are absent from many websites that support mental health conditions. Why? Is it because we are so stuck in our own hellish world of misery we  are just simply oblivious, or perhaps we are forever searching for a cure or to improve our lot to take much notice of anything else. Yes I have been there and done that. Such is understandable of course but sometimes we need to focus on the situation for all of us, as bringing about universal changes will indirectly improve our own lives. Unlike people who suffer with other conditions, such as physical disabilities, there will be few non sufferers who will take up our cause simply because of ignorance and prejudice against our respective medical conditions. We have such an opportunity with the internet to disseminate information that will bring about change so lets not let these opportunities pass us by.

February 28th

Today it is the last day of February so really must load all these entries which I have obsessed and agonised over. Today though I feel really ill with anxiety in the form of heart palpitations, dizziness and that awful one-sided numbness and throat constriction, and to top it all the visual disturbances all of which I have mention before but which today are more severe than they have ever been. It started last night really severe, I felt so dizzy I had to lie down. I than fell asleep on the settee , woke with a severe headache which in the night got so bad and was obviously a migraine. Today my palpitations are still awful and the dizziness makes me feel confused, my legs are a weak and well... I feel just dreadful.

I am though determined to upload, just to get rid of the misery of it all, and will not check again despite the fact I am far from happy with these entries . Oh the torment of OCD which unlike wine does not improve with age. In fact I appear to be getting worse.