The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

Links to recommended blogs:

Gristmill: The environmental news blog |

This blog is part of Grist Magazine's website, a magazine dedicated to environmental issues.

Positive Attitude Quotes, Free Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular Motivativational sayings.

A good selection of interesting quotations

February 1st

When we let go of yearning for the future, preoccupation with the past, and strategies to protect the present, there is nowhere left to go but where we are. To connect with the present moment is to begin to appreciate the beauty of true simplicity.
 
Jack Kornfield

Interestingly this week the idea of compartmentalization mentioned in an earlier entry came to my attention during a recent biographical documentary on TV about the life of Tchaikovsky whom it is believed suffered with bipolar disorder or at the least significant depression. It is my opinion that he may also have had Asperger's syndrome as sometimes these two conditions present together. During a dramatised sequence, in which the mother was saying farewell to her son as he prepared to enter boarding school, she advised him to overcome his insomnia due to too many and troublesome thoughts by thinking of a filing cabinet into which he would file away those worrisome anxious thoughts and separate them from the files which contained only thoughts about his music. This rather reminded me of the compartmentalization idea of coping with unwanted thoughts or worries that intrude not only of course prior to sleep but, particularly for the obsessive-compulsive and GAD sufferer, at any time during the day. Such an idea of course sounds great in theory and I wonder if Tchaikovsky was able to do as his mother advised.

I find personally there is little I can do to stop these intrusive thoughts, which at times grow in their persistence the more I try to prevent their intrusion or attempt to separate them from other more positive aspects of my life. The only action that is possible is to mitigate such thoughts and to try and not carry out any compulsive behaviours which follow on from them. Again not always easy. In my own experience to date right now the most action I can take to combat such thoughts is to try and distract from them even if only for a short time. However if the thoughts involve a compulsion that needs to be carried out right away than that is more difficult. For instance OCD thoughts and behaviours intruded this morning while working on a banner for my website which is an excellent distraction as such involves the need to centre my focus, except of course for the torment of OCD which here raises its ugly head as it does in every facet of my life. This problem presents as an OCD superstitious obsession involving a certain number which at this time I cannot cope with writing down even though this number appears in my memoir. I had reached a multiple of this number concerning the amount of scanned items I have scanned since I acquired the scanner. I am trying to scan a canvas for a background and as a banner for possible inclusion as a web page design in the art section of my website. However after scanning several canvases I now have a multiple of this number. So I had to complete several more scans for the sole purpose of getting past this number in much the same way as I cannot leave a number book marked on a chapter of this unlucky number, and also have to read both the previous and following chapters. So as you can see OCD will interfere in almost any action I attempt. Nonetheless my activities on the computer still provide a distraction from some of the more ruminative processes, those gnawing worries and intrusive thoughts that go round and round in your mind eating away at you, worries which do not involve a compulsion and which nothing other than intensive mind absorbing occupation will mitigate.

If it is possible to find a space in the turmoil of an OCD beleaguered life, a segment of time during which you can be occupied and determined to remain occupied, you will at least find some relief and the feeling that you have done something more that day other than carry out the dictates of OCD. One of the greatest sorrows that the sufferer of this disorder has to bear is the regret for a wasted life, for time spent in what the sufferer knows only too well are pointless time wasting rituals.

I know that this is not easy and in some ways it may be impossible as thoughts intrude and morph to effect whatever it is you are doing as a distraction. For instance whilst writing thoughts intrude that I have written something harmful for instance. When painting, thoughts may intrude, for example, that the paint is toxic and the urge to wash ones hands becomes increasingly persistent or the thoughts may centre on indecision and imperfection and so on and on... well you know the scenario I have written about it often.

Distraction works best if the thoughts do not involve carrying out a compulsion, for instance existential thoughts or GAD type thoughts. If your thoughts are more of a general anxiety nature intensive distraction is helpful and eases the powerful nature of such thoughts as your focus upon them becomes less intense. Compartmentalisation of your thoughts and activities seems impossible but it is worth a try to at least find some time to yourself to do something creative or something that you enjoy for this period of time and try to separate this from your OCD if only for an hour or even for five minutes. Commit yourself to do something that interests you, which absorbs your mind and distracts from the turmoil within. If you can do this, it is well worth the effort, it will make you feel that you do have some portion of your life to yourself wherein you have achieved something satisfying.

February 2nd.

The following is a link to a new OCD website by Kirk Stacey and Susan Goater, The School of OCD, it features the graphics drawn by Kirk which you may have seen in the Gallery. This site is an excellent educational tool to help parents, teachers, guardians and anyone involved in education to teach children about OCD.

This website is well worth a visit even if you are not involved with children or education. The website is a fine example of what can be achieved by someone with OCD.

The School of OCD

THE SCHOOL OF OCD

February 3rd

It is once again the time of year when the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of baby seals will once again take place in Canada. Please read the segments below from the International Fund for Animal Welfare IFAW newsletter. To take action click the link below.

Please Note: Similar actions can be taken by residents of a number of other countries. Links to similar campaigns in other countries can also be accessed by clicking the link below. Icons of other countries will appear at the top of the IFAWs' webpage

"Another cruel seal hunt is quickly approaching in Canada and hundreds of thousands of young seals will be slaughtered this spring. Is it really possible to stop this annual tragedy which continues year after year despite being economically and environmentally unjustified?"
 

"IFAW continues to push for a national ban on all harp and hooded seal products in the UK. It is crucial that the Minister for Trade, Ian McCartney, takes decisive and strong action on this matter before the next seal hunt this March.

The Department of Trade and Industry is currently discussing the best way to extend the current EU import ban, but such a ban could take up to five years to implement at the EU level. Please tell the UK government that we must follow Belgium and pass a national UK ban on seal products now! This will help to strengthen the case for an EU-wide ban and will also send a clear message to Canada that the British people want nothing to do with this hunt or its products."


Please consider writing to your MP there is a template form you can fill in by clicking the link above. However many MPs will may not respond to a form and in which case a letter is better but if you cannot cope with this please send the
e-mail form. In either case it is also better to edit the form letter to make it your own by adding some of your own personal comments however again if this is not possible please just fill in the form and send either the template e-mail or letter.

February 5th

When I first stared this website someone with OCD whom I knew personally suggested in a round about way that it was probably not a good idea to give out help and advice, which is incidentally not the purpose of my website, or to write about OCD in the way that I do beyond my own personal experiences. However I have always stated quite clearly that I am only a sufferer of OCD not a mental health professional. I may not have the official expertise in the form of a degree or indeed any expertise in mental health issues other than from the perspective of a sufferer however this does not mean I cannot have an opinion or write about any mental health issue any less so than any other writer does on any subject. Such as a journalist doing an article about any heath problem for instance. And look how any articles are written about health matters by journalists who have no real qualification to do so other than by the some total of their research on these conditions, which for the most part cannot even include knowledge from a personal perspective. Furthermore we are all fumbling in the dark concerning mental health and indeed many other health issues even if some professionals in the field of medicine think that they have all the answers and decry the ideas of others and esteem themselves to be virtually infallible in their opinions.

Consider that perhaps medieval doctors most likely thought the same way when they used leaches to heal, even to heal blood loss! I image that these doctors defended this cure-all just as vigorously as many doctors do today the medication they hand out or the procedures that they administer. Such modern treatments are of course revolutionary and have saved many lives and improved the quality of life for many, myself included; without Diclofenac for instance for my migraine my life would not be worth living. Since this sudden escalation in migraine in recent weeks from two each week to four or five I would be in a state of agonising hell without this medication. As those of you know who have read my blog I live in fear of being without this medication if for some reason or another it was not available. Moreover neither I nor my son would be alive today if it where not for modern medical science, my son had appendicitis when he was younger, and because of birth problems I would have likely died having my son and if I had survived I would most assuredly have died during the tragic circumstances of my daughter's birth, she was sadly still born but all was done to save her. So modern medicine has been a life saver and enhancer but there is always room for new ideas particularly when it comes to mental health. And it is time other ideas where put to the test and we should not always accept the current ideas as infallible or the only method of treatment as such can become so outdated, as for instance Freudian psychology. At the present time CBT in combination with medication is the accepted treatment for OCD and this is very effective indeed for most people but one should keep an open mind. Not everyone can tolerate medication but should not be daunted as CBT alone is still very effective. Keep in mind that twenty or more years ago when I was in hospital with my OCD I was not allowed any medication at all, I was told I needed to face the obsessions and compulsions with desensitisation therapy alone without the aid of medication.  So opinions and practices change and this is progress of course but it is rather dogmatic to insist that the latest cure all is infallible.

We are all stumbling in the dark irrespective as to whether or not we have a degree in the lasted theory concerning mental health. Bear in mind that we know more about the universe that we do about the brain. It is my opinion and has been for longer than I care to recall that mental health is a neurological problem rather than purely psychological, which in the case of OCD arises from a genetic predisposition, only its degree and outcome are determined by circumstances: its course and nature are determined to some extent by up bring and social and cultural influences. Personally I believe that all mental health issues arise from a neurological predisposition and are biological due to chemical imbalances or irregularities in brain structure, as is the case for more accepted neurological condtions such as for instance epilepsy, rather than psychological. For example anorexia nervosa, which I believe is related to OCD and is a genetic condition and which results from a different mix of the genes which bring about OCD. The occurrence of this disorder may appear more prevalent to day as a result of the fashion to be thin but perhaps it is only our awareness of this condition that has increased rather than the prevalence of the condition itself. It may appear that fashion is the cause of this disorder but if that was the case than all young people particularly fashion models would develop anorexia nervosa. This is clearly not the case, fashion is merely a catalyst for those with a predisposition to develop anorexia nervosa and other eating disorders and many with this predisposition go on to be fashion models. My sister was a middle aged women when she was admitted to a day hospital to treat her anorexia nervosa, fashion was not the motivation behind her disorder which began in her mid thirties after putting on weight resulting from medication and comfort eating as a result of the depression of being confined to the house with agoraphobia. These where most likely the catalysts rather than the cause of my sister’s full blown anorexia as there were indications in early life that my sister had problems with her relationship with food, the predisposition to have an eating disorder was mostly likely obvious had the attention to such been as prevalent as it is today. The obsession for thinness in the modern era is merely a catalyst not the course.

A genetic link to anorexia
An external link to an interesting article by Toni DeAngelis: "Researchers have discovered biological evidence of a genetic underpinning to anorexia nervosa: genetic linkage on chromosome 1 for the complex psychiatric disorder".
 

In medieval times religion was the catalyst for such disorders for example St Catherine of sienna

Anorexia and the Holiness of St Catherine of Siena by Reda & Sacco 

An external link to an interesting article

There follows two external links to articles concerning the mounting evidence that OCD is a genetic condtion

"Now, new research is shedding new light on one of the genetic factors that may contribute to that pattern. And while no one gene "causes" OCD, the research is helping scientists confirm the importance of a particular gene that has been suspected to play a major role in OCD's development. "

read the complete article:

New Genetic Findings Add To Understanding Of OCD

See also the following research article

A genetic contribution to obsessive compulsive disorder

Often I feel somewhat uncomfortable writing about mental health issues such as the comments above or for example the article about hypochondria and the one I am in the throes of writing concerning agoraphobia. But this is the great thing about the internet everyone can have his or her say. After all said and done it is we who suffer from these disorders and no matter how many BAs' PhDs or doctorates, professorships or whatever it is only those of us who suffer that really know what it is like to experience the grinding misery of any disease of the mind. From my perspective as a tormented sufferer, I know that such a pervasive and powerful condition such as OCD cannot arise solely as a result of ones upbringing or tragic circumstances. Such an idea is in my opinion idiotic to the extreme.

February 7th
 

H.L. Mencken,

There is really no two ways about it OCD is a miserable, debilitating, pervasive overwhelmingly bloody awful condition from which to suffer. No matter how often I tell myself that this week somehow it will be different and that somehow I will find some relief and live a normal life some how it just does not work out. I do not wish to be pessimistic and this entry is a vent. I am angry and depressed at the continual onslaught of OCD. This morning I woke after another night of headaches and fear, fear that for the sixth time in eight days I have another migraine. At the least I have a bad headache. I ache all over particularly in my shoulders and neck, my legs feel weak and I have an ache in the legion of my bladder and last but not least my OCD is driving me crazy.

I woke at 2.30 I had to return to sleep resting my head on a hot water bottle to alleviate the pain if not the fear of yet another headache. It is at this time too early to rise but knowing that if I fall asleep I will wake feeling even worse than I do now. Finally falling asleep I did not get any peace from OCD, it even came in my dreams presenting as an over responsibility anxiety about someone who had had her refrigerator break down and all the frozen food had gone soft. It was like waking reality, my anxiety that I needed to tell this person that she must not refreeze her melted frozen food was so real, the thought pattern exactly the same. The attempts to ignore such a compulsion where as futile as waking reality along with the anxiety of reminding this person of this fact knowing that the person knew perfectly well that she should not do this. When I awoke I was confused for an instant so real was the dream. There were other similar dreams of which I am too anxious to explain and which have long term effects and will cause worrying ruminations. Consequently today I feel as though for me there is never any peace of mind from OCD the obsessions and compulsions are continually morphing from one thing to another but never entirely relinquishing the previous obsession but rather expanding the periphery of its influence completely enmeshing my entire life with such incapacitating complexity that I feel that there are few aspects of my life that OCD does not effect.

Sometimes I do not question the situation and follow where OCD leads even when the thinking process behind it become complex and intricate. So much energy is expended trying to live round OCD that it is now habitual to handle this problem by avoidance or skirting round the issue or entirely giving in to the obsessions and compulsions. Even my attempts at trying to rationalise my thoughts and the compulsions which follow them have become in themselves compulsive. As a consequence no amount of self talk makes the least difference, no logic brings reason to the situation. Fear is the motivator, it overrides reason and logic: here is an example of a complex OCD issue and my attempts to extricate myself from it; my failed endeavour at logic and rationalisation.

Before Christmas I borrowed a book from the library. Before doing so I had checked that it did not have the number of chapters of my feared superstitious unlucky number which as I have previously stated I cannot at this time write here, but it is a very familiar unlucky number - at least here in the west. The book did not have this number of chapters at least that was my impression: I am okay if this chapter is included but worry if this number is the some total of chapters. It however was divided in sections with individual chapters in each section. Now this was very complicated OCD wise. The first section finished at chapter number eight. So that was okay but than I had to count all the chapters from the beginning to make sure I did not leave the book book-marked on the chapter of this unlucky number even though in the new section the numbers continued from one. This got more complex as the next section contained more than the number of this unlucky number so I had to be mindful of this as well so there were two chapters in this section which I needed to make sure I did not leave the book book-marked in this one section. Moreover I was anxious to leave the book marked on the previous or following chapter. So it was a mind boggling misery except my mind instead of trying to ignore these compulsions instead tried habitually with no insight into what I was doing, not questioning it's absurdity, to find ways of working round it to avoid the anxiety that would other wise be caused. I had to work out a time when I could read all three chapters in one go in both these instances where this unlucky number was involved. Complicated. I bet I have lost you now and you are wondering what the hell all this rambling is about. It is not easy to explain but I am sure you get the idea at the very least that some really complex neurotic thinking is taking place here. To add to the problem pages of course could not be left book-marked on this unlucky number either. Whilst reading I had to be aware of these obsessions and careful not to accidentally get on to any of these chapters or pages before I had time to read through them all uninterrupted for one sitting. Not any easy task and I wondered if it was worth bothering. However I do not like to give in to OCD all the time and if I cannot challenge and ignore the obsessions I try to work round them rather than abandoning the task, at least when it comes to reading, my art and may activities on the computer. Beside if I left this book unfinished with this unlucky number association this in itself might be unlucky. A rather complex OCD issue the kind that adds real misery, the extent of which is not easy to relate to others.

The book was divided into three sections and when I finally arrived at the last section I hoped that I would now be able to read the rest of this book unencumbered by OCD superstitious obsessions. But to my profound disappointment this was not the case. With shocked disbelief I realised that the some total of the chapters for this final section was the unlucky number. Now there presents a dilemma an increasing common problem for sufferer's of OCD when obsessions and compulsions collide and are at variance or at the least convoluting complex. I had never before been presented with this dilemma as I am mostly careful to check for such occurrences, but somehow I overlooked this, had I not I would not have borrowed the book from the library. Reading this section would be like reading a book with this number of chapters, something I would not attempt because of the superstitious fear associated with this number greatly exaggerated by OCD. However to leave this book without completing it would be like leaving a book with this number of chapters again unlucky - at least according to the dictates of my OCD. So here I am dammed if I do dammed if I do not. It would take some considerable time and much anxiety to read all these chapters in one go and finding sufficient time is difficult. However if I returned the book I would also feel anxious that I had somehow precipitated the likelihood of problems arising, the precise nature of which is unclear but some disastrous occurrence, with this unlucky number. So there is a dilemma, much mental anguish is expended. By now I have lost interest in the book, forgotten the characters and lost the plot... in more ways than one. Sorry about the pun

I try to handle this problem by rationalisation. I reminded myself of advice from a psychologist years ago when I told him about this OCD problem with this number particularly as it relates to reading. (However keep in mind this problem with this unlucky number presents in all aspects of my life when this number is involved as for instance in the example with my scanner described in an earlier entry). He bought my attention to the fact that an author must have spent some time on this chapter and of course the two proceeding in the course of writing a book. He or she probably spent a number of days on this chapter. Also many books consist only of this number of chapters. The authors most likely gave this little consideration. There is even an OCD book with this number of chapters which I admit did surprise me rather as of course superstitious anxiety over this number is common. I have never read this book. I have also considered that many TV series have this number of episodes, in fact a recent series which I followed had this number and I did not realise this until half way through but continued watching. But somehow this was easier albeit not easy, perhaps it is knowing that other family members are doing likewise. There was some uneasiness and if the series is on DVD I would hesitate to buy it but there is no logic to OCD. This superstitious obsession presents in all aspects of life, oftentimes when I am not even aware of the occurrence of this number, however reading and writing and certain activities on the computer are more problematic, mainly because for the most part the association is obvious, so there is no consistence concerning this number generally speaking. I do try to tell self that I watched many series with this number of episodes moreover like the books the writers and producers and indeed everyone involved right down to the destructors had had contact with this unlucky number. But sadly even with this self talk none of this logic makes the slightest difference and the dilemma continues. I have renewed the book twice and some how something has to give, I either ignore this anxiety concerning this number, an anxiety that is of long duration and is entrenched and would consequently be difficult or I read the dam book out of the way.

OCD is a complex misery of interwoven compulsions motivated by powerful obsessions that defy logic or reason and after a while such attempts at rationalisation become ruminative as over and over they are considered, rehashed, readdressed, looked at from all angles and perspectives but still the obsessions retain power despite such reasoning. In the end you either face the fear and ignore the obsession and compulsion despite the intrusive chattering in you mind or you concede defeat and give in to the dictates of OCD. All this effects my enjoyment of reading, it is major problem it needs addressing. Reading is a distraction, a respite, an escape as is my work on the computer but it is a distraction that still is riddled with OCD problems which present a continual battle for my mind.

Voltaire

February 8th

Now for something more positive. Some weeks ago I recommended this great website for a positive perspective: CharityFocus: Helping Others Help Others a voluntary organisation which provides volunteer opportunities for anyone who wants them. When you are depressed it is all too easy to think that the world is an hostile place and that everyone in it is no good, that everyone is selfish, greedy and uncaring. Here are two segments of Charity Focus's quote-a-day service that prove the contrary; Charity Focus sends to subscribers one good news story each day. Click the two links below which will take you to two recent articles about two extraordinarily selfless people. There is an opportunity for you to subscribe.


DailyGood: A 17-year-old's Life-saving Breakthrough


DailyGood: Mother To 40 Special Children
 

February 9th

I am worried about this dog if anyone knows of anything else I can do to get this animal some help I would appreciate your suggestions please.

February 11th

Over the weekend I received an e-mail from a publisher in response to my submitting my memoir. Demons of the Mind: A memoir of an Obsessive-Compulsive.  I had read a similar memoir published by this publisher but not concerning OCD and despite the fact that I had been turned down by every possible publisher in the UK who would consider this type of autobiography, I gave some consideration that they may be interested in my memoir. However, despite such hope borne no doubt of wishful thinking as is the case with most instances of unrealistic expectation, I was certain that they would not be interested for a number of reasons. Firstly because my autobiography has been available on the internet now for two and half years. Secondly because it is very long, very rambling and most likely not grammatically correct and I am not in a position, mostly due to lack of ability but also due to health issues, to edit it or improve on it. Mind you I would imagine that few who write such memoirs, and that of course includes other types of autobiography such as celebrity memoirs, have writing abilities comparable with a professional writer. Thirdly it simply is not the type of memoir that gets into print i.e  wrote in a more modern style, much shorter in length and with a successful conclusion as the sufferer recovers from his or her condition, which of course is not the case for me. Not that there is anything wrong with such a book as both sides of this disorder need to be understood. OCD is a very very painful illness, a pervasive life destroying illnesses, a devastating condition listed as number eight in the world Health Organisation's list of most debilitating illnesses. So there needs to be presented a more detailed account and the other reality, namely: not everyone improves or learns to cope or goes on to have a full life.

Read the shocking facts about how farm animals are treated in the UK click this link Viva! - Vegetarians International Voice for Animals.  For this reason I am a lactose free vegetarian.

You can help put the seal hunt on the political agenda.
 

"Canada’s commercial seal hunt is the largest slaughter of marine mammals in the world. Over one million baby seals as young as three weeks old have been killed in the last three years.

Seal pups suffer agonising deaths in this senseless slaughter just to supply non-essential luxury fur items for markets across the world, including in the UK. All veterinary reports on the hunt have documented the unacceptable levels of cruelty.

UK politicians must take strong action. At present only the import of skins and furs from newborn seals is banned in Britain. Harp seals can be killed and their fur imported to the UK when they start to shed their distinctive white coats - usually at just 12 days of age. By stopping the trade in seal products, UK politicians can help end this cruel hunt.

Tell politicians to end this cruel trade

In order to help decide which issues go into the Labour Party manifesto at the next general election, the Labour Party is inviting members of the public to vote for the campaigns they believe in the most.

The campaigns with the most votes will be presented to the leadership of the Labour party. To voice your support for a total ban on seal derived products in the UK, click here to cast your vote on IFAW's campaign page on the Labour site.

With the Labour Party currently in power your comments will also help influence the Government’s policy on this issue, so please vote for IFAW’s campaign now.

Thank you for your support. Only with the help of people like you can we maintain the political pressure to end the trade in seal products."
 

Whist we were walking past the pub in the village my husband remarks that the pub has xx number of guest rooms, xx representing my unlucky number, the one that is involved in my OCD, which I at this time cannot write down and have anxiety confronting, particularly when it comes to reading, see February 7th. entry above. Now this pub has probably had this number of guest rooms for a long time at least I would imagine a decade or so, it is most likely the optimum number of rooms for maximum profit that will fit into the space available. It is an old pub so it has been altered and expanded into small hotel. Now the idea that this number was considered unlucky may have monetarily entered the mind of the owner as this number is a well known unlucky number with which most are familiar, but he or she of course did not give any serious consideration to reduce the room numbers to exclude this number which of course would not make good business sense. I doubt now that the owner gives it a thought.

You would think wouldn't you that logic, my common sense would prevail here for me in the same way because my problems with this number have quite an impact on my life. Particularly, as I have already mentioned, my reading, a pastime which I once enjoyed but which now can be difficult and at certain times impossible with books I have bought have never being read or abandoned because of my anxiety with any association with this number. I try to reason this out by noting such occurrences of this number as the one here today which I have never noticed before and other incidences as they crop up. Such as someone who won a huge amount of money betting on horses in an accumulative bet involving this number of horses all of which obviously won their respective races. Someone mentioned the Apollo space mission and the disastrous circumstances of Appollo xx and yes I have often considered this memorable event when I have been trying to rationalise my behaviours concerning this number. Such attemps at rationalisation as I have said before eventually become in themselves more of an OCD ruminative process rather than a therapeutic attempt to get past this obsession by the consideration of a more reasonable rationale. At first it appears that the Apollo event substantiates the validity concerning my fear of this number and its detrimental effect, but as my son once pointed out the crew of this space craft arrived home safely in the end. Furthermore if you where to select any number and see how it occurs in lucky and unlucky events you will probably just as easily be able to site instances of each occurrence both positive and negative. To the logical rational mind there is no such thing as lucky or unlucky, it is superstition and as the above quotation states we are only aware of such when we have hits and misses as the case my be. Basically common sense tells us this but superstition is a powerful fear inducing concept, even from time to time the most logical of people pay heed to it albeit subconsciously, because such fears seem so ingrained, embedded in our thinking. Superstitious fears appear as though they are innate, they have been with man right from the beginning whenever that was or however we came into being, another ramble for another rumination another time perhaps I will not digress here. Concerning this number whenever I try to rationalise this the thought comes concerning an old saying that xx is lucky for some but unlucky for others, such a thought borne of a stupid ignorant saying, goodness knows how many centuries old, mitigates with in moments any comfort derived from thinking about positive connections with this number. Yes I really get angst about such stupidity on the part of people who should know better than to give credence to such nonsense as I consider that for them, without the addtion of OCD, to have no excuse other than unintelligence to give real consideration to such beliefs. And believe me people do and without any insight, rationale or analysis whatsoever

I notice my husband just reads through a book not even noticing this number even though his attention is often drown to it through my complaining about this obsession, which has been throughout my OCD afflicted life a real bane, an obsession and compulsion that despite several attempts to eradicate remains steadfast. My son likewise gives this number no second thought and he too has obsessive-compulsive behaviours as a part of his Aspergers syndrome. Indeed most people do not give it a second thought and neither did I before the event of full blown OCD. So why why why cannot I get past this. The obsession and compulsions, the compulsions are of course the avoidance of this number, is not so far, touch wood ( yes I did that just now whilst I was writing this I did this, touching the wood of my chair), widespread; it does not present in every facet of my life. I do have some association with this number in some instances but always here is the anxiety. However the main problems are reading and to some extent my activities on the computer. Maybe this is because these activities are important to me. Anyone noticed how OCD seems to know, almost as though it has a life of it’s own, which are the most important areas of your life to intrude upon with its obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours.

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I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when there will be considerable delay. Also I will not publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.

All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.

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