Despite protests world wide the
Gadhimai Jatra festival took place in Nepal in November
24th and 25th. Since the entry about this appalling
barbarous event, scarcely credible in the modern world, I have
not made any entries in this blog as I have been preoccupied
with my sheep website writing a page about his dreadful event.
This "festival" - an inappropriate word if ever there was one,
an orgy of violence would be a more suitable description -
has had a profound effect upon my mood as the sheer brutality
and blood thirsty cruelty has embedded itself upon my mind and
it is difficult to set it aside. Besides for now I do not wish
to do so as I want to continue with the campaign so that this
atrocity will never happen again. In addition to my webpage I
have have written to Nepalese officials expressing my shocked
disbelief that the festival ever became a part of their culture
or that it is allowed to continue. If you wish to read my
webpage about this heinous event please do so but you are warned
there are three pictures which you may find disturbing,
particularly for those of you like myself who may be prone, as a
result of their OCD, to get fixed into their mind's eye imagines
which remain there for some considerable while and have a mood
altering effect. As I type now the photograph at the top of my
webpage with the poor little black sheep or goat quietly eating
unaware of the dreadful atrocity that is about to be perpetrated
against her, remains indelible in my minds eye. It breaks my
heart. I can see this easily in my minds eye right now as I am
typing this, as I look at the key board this image is transposed
over what I see with my physical vision. Not sure if I am
explaining this correctly but those of you who have this problem
will know precisely what I mean. Its rather liked that annoying
tune you get in your head that plays over and over like a loop
tape, which again I have. However music and disturbing pictures
do not necessarily have a similar impact, music being annoying ,
irritating at worse but those intrusive images can be so
disturbing and pry on your mind. To some degree of course we all
have imagines in our mind's eye but mostly these are fleeting
and we barely notice them, it is only the upsetting or
disturbing ones that seem to remain. If you do visit my webpage
notice the children in the back ground. It is difficult to
imagine the psychological damage let alone the way such brutal
acts desensitises them to suffering. Some times it feels as
though there will never be any hope for a caring compassionate
world while such evil acts are condoned. I would say that
exposing children to such cruelty is surely a form of child abuse.
Furthermore as many people rightly point out millions of animals
are cruelly killed in abattoirs the world over each and
every day and we have our own sacrifices this time of year as millions of turkeys are slaughtered to
celebrate Christmas, the birth of a man of peace. But two
wrongs do not make a right and action needs to be taken to stop
all forms of brutality to any living creature including
our own species. I think what upsets a lot of people about the festival is the
fact that it is a blood bath in the name of religion and
tradition, an anachronism of a bygone age and that it is
undertaken with such shocking brutality.
I will talk
soon about my religious perspective but for now I will simply
say I have taken interest in religion in much the same way as
one would have an interest in history for example. I have had
very serious problems with religious OCD and still today its a
struggle but in recent years much as changed for me concerning religion. I will not go
into detail here but suffice it to say for now I believe that I am
a very tolerant person when it comes to religion and feel it is
important to allow people their right to practice their beliefs..
but only up to a point. The Gadhimai festival went way beyond
that toleration point for me and many people, and indeed for
most Hindus who condemn the festival, as such practice is not
a part of main stream Hinduism. I do not tolerate any religion
that allows animal sacrifice or any other abusive
treatment of animals, there is no place in a modern society or
religion for such debase behaviour, which is nothing more than superstitious fear capitalised upon by exploitative greed. If
I had my way there would be a universal ban on religious sacrifice
. Yes and there would be a ban on factory farming or any other
exploitation of any living being. The world appears to me these
days to be an awful place rampant with cruelty, exploitation,
selfishness and unbridled greed .
Concerning the festival it is
important to realise of course that in general Hindus do not
sacrifice animals, many are vegetarian and believe in the
principle of ahimsa , an ancient code of non violence towards
any living being.
If it is so distressful why look at these pictures? Why occupy
myself for over a week with collecting information about this
event if it is making me depressed or anxious or angry? The anger
I can cope with, the depression is another matter but I feel
nonetheless that I
have to do this. No not in an OCD way although OCD does play
some role as it does in any endeavour of mine, this I will explain shortly.
No I simply feel
compassion for my fellow creatures and my heart breaks for the
cruelty that they were subjected too and I feel I have to take
some action however small to prevent another occurrence of this event
in five years time. And also to take some action against the
other festivals and the daily sacrifice that takes place not
only in Nepal but other countries also. I will not go into
details about his cruelty here, if you feel you will not be too adversely effected you
can click the link at the end of this entry and read my webpage
along with all the other links I have included. It took hours of
painstaking work to compile this page and to write to the people
concerned with this event. The protracted length of time taken
was due to my OCD, the checking, the
doubts and all the anxieties about which I am constantly writing
concerning checking and obsessing about what I write.
Throughout this week it has been one of those times when I am having
headaches every day and for the last three or four days plus more
severe than usual headaches during the night, and right now as I
am writing this number four maybe on its way.
It might be considered by many that I am a sensitive
person and though this causes me stress and significant
depression I would not wish it otherwise. Being so sensitive to the suffering in the world is not pleasant, it is at
the back of my mind most of the time and at times such as this,
right at the fore. However I would not wish to be like the
cold blooded drunken butchers who slaughtered these gentle
harmless creatures for the sake of superstitious belief,
greed and simply blood lust.
In my opinion these actions were for the most part motivated by
superstitious fear, monetary greed - people had to pay to have
their animals slaughtered and over 2 million euros was made from
the festival - and sickening blood lust and the type of psychotic
sadistic mentality were someone actually derives some pleasure
from pain, suffering and violence.
Link to the Gadhimai festival page of my website, "think
differently about sheep".
As a sufferer of superstitious OCD you might think I would have
some empathy for these people; driven by primitive superstitious
dread they take the lives of these animals. The short answer to
that is no I do not. I have no empathy, no sympathy whatsoever. I
am sorry for children who are exposed to such violence of course
but that is were my sympathy ends. I always find it difficult at
the best of times to understand why people think and behave the
way they do and I have great difficulty accepting that others
think differently than I, but this time it is impossible to
understand what on earth makes people behave in such a brutal
way, behaving in a way that not only harms other creatures but
debases their own humanity. What makes someone chose evil over
good, even worse what makes someone commit such an heinous deed
and not even consider they have done anything wrong, not to feel
guilt or emotion, not to feel compassion over the suffering of
an animal. I cannot understand this, it is beyond my
comprehension. If I accidentally kill a spider I will feel
profound guilt, to kill animals in such numbers, and don't
forget someone does this every day of their working lives in
abattoirs, is beyond my comprehension. I understand many of
these people are desperately poor and seek a way out hoping good
fortune will arise from their grotesque act of cruelty and I am
sad that superstition is so powerful that it deceives people
into taking such bizarre action to remedy their situation, but
still I cannot tolerate such an awful atrocity. It is beyond my
understanding that anyone can think an act of cruelty can bring
about something good for themselves. What ever happened to
Karma? The doing of good deeds to insure a good incarnation. I
feel sad for such profound ignorance even concerning their own
religious belief when they abandon the good of their religion to
indulge in some depravity of a bygone age.
Yes indeed I am myself no stranger to the awfulness of
superstitious dread and how if it is a part of your OCD it will
devastate your life. But still the answer is no, I have no
sympathy for these people. Most of my superstitious OCD centres
around doing good or avoiding harm to others, not of course to
imply that OCD is behind my philosophy of not causing harm to any
creature, indeed this seems an innate way of being for me and
does not arise from OCD or religious belief. Nonetheless OCD
does hijack this part of my persona as it does everything else
and turns behaviours that would probably be part of the way I
would behave anyway and distort them and turn them into things
that you have to do because OCD tells you something awful will
happen if you do not. Nonetheless your basic ideals remain. Lets
look at an easy to understand example. Hand washing. Maybe not
the best of example to understand what I am getting at but it is
the easiest for me to explain. I wash my hands because of two
fears: contamination and superstitious or magic thinking. These
two OCD motivations may exist separately but for me right now
with my OCD contamination these go hand in hand, side by side. I
wash my hands to avoid harm coming to myself and other people,
to include other animals, by spreading disease if I do not wash
them. I do this because of the straight forward concern that
someone may die from a disease if I do not. Yes if I was normal
because I care about what happens to others I would wash
my hands if they looked dirty or after using the toilet and
other more usual reasons. However with OCD I am washing my
hands over and over for reasons other than normal ones
because of the fear of causing harm by spreading disease. I,
long with other cleaning behaviours, may wash my hands hundreds
of times each day anxious should someone become ill or die.
However I also wash my hands because of a type of superstitious
dread or magical thinking. This is a common type of thought
process for people who have OCD. I wash my hands not only
because I fear transmitting germs to others but because I fear
that something bad will happen in a superstitious way if I do
not. However the avoidance of something bad happening is without
exception focused upon avoiding harm to others or actively doing
something good. This fear is never focuses upon harm. A person
with OCD will never do anything to harm anyone else within the
ideals of his or her own innate, religious or philosophical ideology or
world view. A person with OCD will not go against his or her
innate nature and as far as I am aware most people with OCD have an
inherent nature to do good or at least avoid doing harm.
Therefore as far as I am aware superstitious behaviours by
people with OCD would never involve harm. So a resounding NO NO
NO I have no sympathy nor understanding for this or any of the
other atrocities many people commit towards other creature or
their fellow men because of superstitious belief. In fact I was
shocked to find that animal sacrifice takes place on such a
massive scale in our modern society, its like stepping back to a
dark and bygone age of brutality.
Most OCDers and indeed most people's superstitious behaviours
are in complete contrast to the nature of this out of control
and freely indulged superstitious belief of a most cruel nature.
Moreover those of us who suffer with superstitious or religious
OCD know on some level that our behaviours and beliefs are
aberrant distortions of reality, that superstition is nonsense.
This is what separates us from psychosis. This of course does
not mean we can ignore it or readily cast aside our OCD
superstitious thinking or ignore the compulsions that arise form
it, it does mean though that for the most part we maintain a
grip on reality, albeit at times an extremely tenuous
one. I have a huge fight trying to cope with superstitious dread such as
avoidance of unlucky numbers, saying or thinking harmful things
and so on. However such behaviours pale into insignificance and
indeed there is no comparison with the superstitious dread
that drives people to harm in such a grotesque way helpless
gentle creatures or indeed any creature. However it is only the
gentle harmless creatures that these cowardly people abuse,
animals they know are unlikely to retaliate and harm them.
Some people of course simply sacrificed these animal motivated
by milder superstitious considerations with such nonsense as they
considered that doing so will bring them good luck in the next five
years. Putting ones own welfare above that of others is again
contrary to OCD thinking and for people with OCD a superstitious
manifestation would never take this form. I understand this
reason to cause harm even less than I do superstitious fear. In
fact most people would not allow superstitious beliefs to cause
them to so readily carry out such acts of sadistic cruelty.
How any sane person could commit this heinous crime is
beyond my comprehension, for indeed to my mind it is a crime, as
my personal philosophy I see no difference between human life
and that of an animal as all creatures wish to live, all suffer
pain and all fear death. It is as simple as that. I feel pain,
considerate at times, I suffer with fear or anxiety virtually
most the time and last but not the least I
most certainly fear death. Like wise all creatures suffer in a
similar way and indeed more so. Being a fearful person I perhaps
have more empathy for non human animals particularly the timid
ones such as sheep and cattle who appear forever fearful and
anticipatory of danger. Therefore I try as best as I can to
avoid inflicting on any living being from an insect to a human
being any pain whatsoever, for this reason I am vegan. I
felt his way long before I read the following which I
often quote in my sheep website:
"All
beings tremble before danger, all fear death. When a man
considers this, he does not kill or cause to kill. All beings
fear before danger, life is dear to all. When a man considers
this, he does not kill or cause to kill. Whosoever tries to find
happiness through hurting other beings, will not find
happiness."
The
Buddha Dhammapada 129-131
December 3rd
We are standing in the in queue at the local post office , well
this not the local post office, they closed that down
notwithstanding local protest that the next post office was for
some people about three miles distant. That's right a six mile
round trip to access the post office. But today I am not
lamenting the loss of this vital service in our locality,
things after all will never be the same again once someone
has been allowed to do as they wish carte blanche and it seems as though there
is no going back like Beacham closing down so many railway
lines. We are here today for me to post letter to
Nepalese government offices about the Gadhimai festival. It is
not easy for me to write to anyone let alone in this way and I
have obsessed about the content. It took ages to actually get
here. Opening the envelopes reading the letters over and over
anxious should I have written something I should not have,
It is like this whenever I write but this particular issue
is important too me and I wanted to express my regret that the
festival was allowed to continue after world wide protest and
to request that they consider banning it next time.
I have felt very guilty that in many ways I could have done more
and with OCD you can actually finish up thinking that world
events are all your fault, that in some way you did not do enough
to prevent them. At the moment it is a relatively mild
presentation of OCD but for a while I did feel guilty and very
depressed. Yes the information concerning this event come only
three or four days prior to its occurrence so it was impossible
to send letters and I sent only the form e-mail with a few
comments of my own which now I feel were in adequate and I
should have gave the issue far more attention than I did. I felt
if only I had said this or that. In reality it unlikely that
such things change simply because of what one person says ,
rather changes come through the actions of many people and for
the most apart I accept this but just this time I was
beset by that awful feeling that I could have done more and as
consequence I felt guilty. I felt I rushed the e-mail and the fax I sent
partly feeling so stressed about saying something that could do
more damage than good and feared the misery of obsessing for
hours, so I clicked the send button. This fear is more
debilitating than you can imagine if this is not one of
your own manifestations of OCD. The fear of doing more harm than
good often prevents me from taking action, writing to any one
about anything. This is a considerable impediment as I have many
concerns about the awful things that happen in the world and
feel the need to at least write to those concerned expressing my
opinions and asking for them to make positive changes. I have
had replies in the past and had a letter from a Government
official in Canada who wrote to me in response to my letter
about the seal massacre. I did not agree with what he said and
referring to the massacre as harvesting as though these
defenceless creatures were a field of corn was infuriating
as I cannot envision such callousness towards thinking feeling
creatures who fear pain, suffering and death as much as we do.
But at least I did get a response to which I wrote back and who
knows maybe you do help someone to rethink their attitudes.
Things have changed for seals, here the European Union EU have
banned the trade in seal products. Yes the massacre continues
but the EU ban is a step forward in bringing about its end once
and for all. If no one did anything, no
one wrote letters or took other actions nothing would change.
if anyone wants to write to express their shock that the
festival took place despite world wide protest here are the
address of Nepalese government officials. The
address appear in the
Take Action to stop the 2014 Gadhimai Jatra and similar
festivals taking place. On a smaller scale animal sacrifice
takes place in Nepal every day.
Please write to Nepal's Prime
Minister, Minister of Tourism and the President of Nepal now to
to ask that they use their influence to stop slaughtering
animals at the 2014 festival or adopt a more peaceful
alternative. One suggestion has been to substitute fruit and
vegetables.
Prime minister Madhav Kumar
Nepal
Rt. Honorable Prime Minister of
Nepal, Mr. Madhav Kumar Nepal
Office of the Prime Minister and
Council of Ministers
Singh Durbar
Kathmandu, Nepal
I have been unable to find an
e-mail address for President Ram Baran Yada
For ideas about what to write see :
Humane Society International
for their form letter which was
written prior to the festival which you can adapt to reflect the
present situation. But try to use your own words as much as
possible.
Also
(Warning disturbing
graphic)
animalNEPAL.org
where you will find a draft letter which
includes the Gadhimai Jatra and other events where animals are
slaughtered and abused.
No pressure many of you like me may find such things
difficult but with OCD everything in life is difficult and I
have to work round my obsessions and in the end something gets
done. I think any response is more helpful than no response at
all. This festival and others like it must never happen again.
How can we live in a world and hope for peace and a better way
of life when such atrocities are allowed to happen. But as
I say on my website please always be courteous when writings
such letters as no matter how angry you are abusive
communications will generally be ignored. I personally think
letters are better than e-mail but that is just my opinion if you
are more comfortable with e-mail please send an e-mail or a
fax.
December 4th
Finally the rain has stopped and the forecast for today is
sunshine and a cloudless sky. It has not rained constantly of
course but for several days it has been raining on and off
mostly at night-time, but during the day it has been dull damp
and depressing . The weather effects my mood and today although
I cannot say I feel happy, my mood is noticeably less heavy. Yes
heavy is a good way to describe how depression lies heavy over
your heart psychically and mentally dragging you down. it is as
good as it will ever get I wonder. It is
though quite cold and we have had a slight frost, perhaps the
first this winter that has remained when it is light enough to
see it, at this time of year it is still dark until somewhere
around 8am.
When I got up at 4.30 the house seems less damp there is not that
smell of rotten vegetables at the bottom of of the stairs that
none of the others appear to smell, at least not to the extent
that can smell it. Not sure what it is as there are no
visible signs, no damp patches, no black mound or other
indications. We do have damp smells that are the usual
fusty smell associated with dampness and still in the sitting room there is the
damp patch in the corner of the room and here in the computer
room and the top of the stairs it has been awful with wet walls.
I am trying to ignore it or suck it up as the saying goes
because there is nothing we can do about it, but it does effect
my mood.
Its such a great day regarding the weather that we are off to
the Yorkshire dales. It will be only a short trip because it
will be dark again by 4am. Only 8 hours and at least an hour of
that it is not really broad daylight, particularly on cloudy
days it is 8.30 before its fully light and the light is quite
dim quite early on the in afternoon on any day, even a brilliantly
sunny day such as this the light is always less bright even at
2pm. Of course if you live here in the UK you know all this, but
the internet is international but we do forget this sometimes.
Also in the south of England the days are not as short. We were
quite surprised at the difference when we first came to live in
the north. The winter is not a good time for people with
depression even if their depression is not the result of
seasonal effective disorder. I cannot imagine what it is like to
live in Norway or Alaska where during the winter there is only a
short period of twilight, no real daylight at all.
I am for once reasonably keen to go on our trip today although
my anxieties about travelling, getting sick and all the rest of
my OCD problems remain of course, and at times I have to talk
myself into going out saying that if I do not go out today
because of anxiety I won't go out the next time or the next time
and I will than eventually finish up not going out at all. I am
anxious about my headaches when I am out like I am today as for
the last four days I have had a migraine everyday and shocking
pain at night. But they have all been in the morning or last
thing at night. I have not had an afternoon attack for some
while now, so I am anxious should today I get one as after a
number of morning attacks I eventually get an evening or mid
afternoon attack and for reasons I cannot fathom these come on
very quickly and are more severe.
My better mood though is short lived as we end up behind one of
those animal transportation lorries that take animals, here it
is mostly sheep farming, to the abattoir. I hate to see them
crammed in these lorries , their timid faces peering out, makes
me sick inside and after all the upset over the Gadhimai
festival I am more hypersensitive than usual to the issue of
animal cruelty. Yes rounding up sheep taking them to the
abattoir to die is cruel just so people can eat meat, a food
they no longer need, and never did need and which now causes not
only cruelty to animals but results in people starving. Here is
an interesting comment by Plutarch an ancient Greek philosopher
We declare, then, that it is absurd for them to say that the
practice of flesh-eating is based on Nature. For that man is not
naturally carnivorous is, in the first place, obvious from the
structure of his body. A man's frame is in no way similar to
those creatures who were made for flesh-eating: he has no hooked
beak or sharp nails or jagged teeth, no strong stomach or warmth
of vital fluids able to digest and assimilate a heavy diet of
flesh.19 It is from this very fact, the evenness of our teeth,
the smallness of our mouths, the softness of our tongues, our
possession of vital fluids too inert to digest meat that Nature
disavows our eating of flesh. If you declare that you are
naturally designed for such a diet, then first kill for yourself
what you want to eat. Do it, however, only through your own
resources, unaided by cleaver or cudgel or any kind of axe.
Rather, just as wolves and bears and lions themselves slay what
they eat, so you are to fell an ox with your fangs or a boar
with your jaws, or tear a lamb or hare in bits. Fall upon it and
eat it still living, as animals do.But if you wait for what you
eat to be dead, if you have qualms about enjoying the flesh
while life is still present, why do you continue, contrary to
nature, to eat what possesses life? Even when it is lifeless and
dead, however, no one eats the flesh just as it is; men boil it
and roast it, altering it by fire and drugs, recasting and
diverting and smothering with countless condiments the taste of
gore so that the palate may be deceived and accept what is
foreign to it.
On eating flesh from Plutarch's Moralia
People do not think of the consequences of what they do, it is
matter of thinking differently and if people had to kill their
own food I doubt that they would be able to do so , they
certainly would not be able as Plutarch points out kill an animal without an implement of some kind, which obviously
means that it is not natural to eat meat, although you of course
always get those who enjoy harming animals including their own
kind. I think if you can harm a non human animal you are a step
closer to harming another human being. Also if it was
natural to eat meat we would not need to cook it, what other
animal cooks his meat. What a day to take
the lives of these poor creatures, the sun shinning and
relatively warm after all the misery of torrential rain that
these poor creatures have had to endure in exposed fields with
no shelter. I feel like crying but dare not as doing so often
brings on a headache or makes an existing one much worse.
The lorry turns off I think to a farm a but later on my
husband says he just parked at the side of the road and the
lorry is empty not that that quells my sadness as I no doubt it
was on its way to the farm to collect animals and it was not
until we arrived home that my husband told me he had parked on
the side of the road, but of course this is what the lorry is
for and during the day some unfortunate sheep or cattle will be
transported to their death. I would liked to have followed the
lorry and raised a ruckus and years ago I would have done so,
not that my husband who likes to avoid trouble would have agreed
to this. But headaches and illness make me anxious to do so let
alone the futility of the gesture. But I feel ashamed guilty
that I do not speak out more often. I do shake my fist as we
pass by whether he noticed or not or knows the reason why I have
no idea. My mood of course has lost its more positive respite and in the great scheme of things in my life
my more positive mood is in comparison but a fleeing moment. We
continue on our journey me ranting about the abattoir van which
I could not get out of my mind all day.
We approach the dales and the road is covered with ice as we
ascend from the Stang forest, where many acres have been
decimated to provide people with furniture they most likely do
not need or all that junk mail you get in the post, yes I get
angry about this sort of thing, the whole landscape has changed
since so many trees have been hacked down. It reminds of
the vast destruction of the rain forest which no one appears to
be able to put a stop too despite the threat to our very
existence.
There is evidence that there has been some snow as in the
distance snow lies on the highest hills and in small but sparse
accumulations doted across the landscape. It was stressful as the road was slippery and I
suggested we return way before late afternoon when it would
freeze over more solidly. I know I would obsess about getting
back down the slippery hill which was steep and this would
further spoil my day.
We had a bowl of chips and a coffee in the local pub, great
chips which I should really not have as I am trying to diet with
no success, I seem to have lost that obsessive need to be
slim although I am not happy being overweight. I am of course
anxious should a dog come in and there is a Jack Russell
by the
window I imagine he is on a lead at least I try to convince
myself that he is he is on a lead. I do hate this part of my OCD
, he looks such a sweet creature. I just hate this fear of dogs
and rabies, the fear of this disease mostly
focuses on dogs for some reason. Well I have shared all this
with you before but my anxiety over the years has always been
there unlike some aspects of OCD which decrease until they are
more manageable superseded by other manifestations, but this anxiety lingers and gets worse.
The dog is on the other side of the room and I have to assume he is on
a lead. But I am so anxious surreptitiously over at the dog
looking every now and again, I move the chairs round the table
we are sitting at, kind of like a blockade after first checking
that no one is looking our way. But I cannot enjoy the food, the chips are delicious but
so hot all I want is to eat and get away from this place which I
know I would enjoy if only it was not for my OCD . Everytime
door opens my heart goes to my mouth. A women peers in and looks
round and leaves. Oh God I think to myself she will likely
return with hoards of people and a dog. Come to think of it I
don't think in words quite the way I have just stated, rather I
see this women return with a lot of people and a dog, vague
imagines but imagines rather than words along
with anxiety. Does everyone think this way or am I obsessing .
Never thought about how I think before until reading Temple Grandin's book Thinking in Pictures which I now feel
guilty about reading as she is an animal scientist if that's the right
discription who designs so called humane ways to slaughter
animals. Nothing humane about death and there is no humane way
of bringing it about, makes me feel sick at the thought.
Right now my
guilt is running at an all time high and I feel guilty now about
so many things that others would not give a thought to. My anger
is also seething at an all time high at one time I would not
have criticised anyone so openly. Once I used to make some attempt to
see things from another person's perspective but it was
always an effort and in reality I have never managed to do so
merely giving lip service rather than genuinely trying to see
another person's point of view. Right is right, wrong is wrong,
there are no tolerable perspectives it is either
black or white with no shades of grey. My son says I have no
theory of mind and I guess that is true when it comes to
accepting that others think differently, and with regard to the
way some people think and behave I really do not want it any
other way and have no desire to understand where they are coming
from as the way people think seems incompressible to me. Just
because the majority thinks something is okay does not make it
so.
We spend only a short time in the dales anxious about getting
down the hill before it gets even icier. We do in fact swerve on
the way down, an anxious moment and this sets off anxiety about
other people and that over responsibility notion that it is my
responsibility to do something. The council are very remiss not
to salt the road here, it may not be a major road but it is the
only access to the dales from this side and it is extremely
dangerous in frosty weather.
December 5th
I wake at 3.50 am but so tired to get up and
so depressed. Yes most people would turn over and go back to
sleep but I ache all over and besides if I go back to sleep
I am more likely to wake with a fierce headache as opposed
to the more mild one I have now which if I get up may
gradually ease off . But today I simply feel so depressed I
lay there my mind ablaze with thoughts to weary to get out
of bed despite the consequences. Why can't I at least manage
to sleep until 5am as was once the case a few months ago. By
the evening I am so tired and if I sit down during day and
not do much I can easily fall asleep but dare not during the
daytime because of making my headaches worse or bringing on
an anxiety attack and increasing my depression. I wonder
sometimes if I have some sort of sleep disorder. I did mention this to my doctor but so long ago I cant recall what
she said.
Well I did get up of course otherwise I would not be
sitting here sharing with you my early morning waking
experiences, waking really early is a common symptom
of depression but the increase in my aches and pains ,
headaches after sleeping and the anxiety attacks if I sleep
in the daytime are another matter. Again its pouring with
rain, beating against the window soooo depressing and indeed
stressful as my thoughts turn once again to farm animals
trapped in fields mostly sheep and a very few cattle, there
is no where for them to seek shelter. We went for a
walk yesterday, in neighbours field were three horses just
stood stock still, poor creatures wet miserable bedraggled
as were six sheep that share the same field. These are pets
buts still their lives seem wretched, they do have a small
barn but can't stay in it all day. Again if animal had their
natural freedom their lives would be less miserable trapped
in the same mud ridden shelterless fields. But as I say at
least these animals have a barn to go into at night.
It is time such was a basic requirement for all animals to
have some shelter at night. I really wished that the
spring was here winter can be such a depressing time. Sitting here so early in the morning it feels as though it
will never get light. But nature follows her own course and
there is nothing we can do of course .
The lift in my mood which I wrote about the other day
soon dissipated within hours and never returned and apart
from the fact that on that day the sun was brilliant in a
cloudless sky nothing in in my life is much different on that
particular day than it was any other day. I think most of my
depression is simply chemical although at times it appears
thinking and circumstance have an effect on my mood, however
if your basic mood is good perhaps your thinking and
circumstances have a less detrimentally mind altering effect
and conversely if your default mood is depression than
everything will seem as though it is a detriment to your
life and any negative occurrence will be exaggerated and you will be keenly
sensitive. Which comes first? Does depression paint the
world grey or in many cases black or does the blackness and
awfulness of the world cause your depression? Do you see the
thorns rather than the rose because you are depressed or are
you depressed because you always see the thorns instead of
the rose. The world and its hardships and all its cruelty, a
good deal of which is perpetrated by man of
course, all the suffering of disease often made worse again
by the actions or inactions of human beings has a profound
effect on my life and adds to my depressed mood. But surely
it is natural to be depressed in the midst of so much
suffering ? The fact is that indeed yes it is or should be,
perhaps if more people felt this way the world would change
for the better. But knowing doesn't help to
alleviate my depression of course but perhaps I should not
feel quite so abnormal about this type of depression.
Perhaps there is in fact something every wrong with anyone
not effected by the reality of our existence.
I of course get depressed over much less serious issues
and it does appear that my default mood is depression and I
am never free from it to some degree. Headaches, migraine and
of course OCD bring about depression and yes unless you 'e a
saint that is normal albeit not ideal. Having said all
that, for whatever reason our depression haunts us we can
take steps to ease it somewhat even if only temporarily,
here is one idea I looked at right before writing this
entry.
I have just received a news letter from care 2 about the
effects of sound on your mood and how emotionally healing
sound can be and also for physical conditions such as
Parkinson's. Might be worth a read. I can safely say that
the wrong kind of sound can have a devastating effect on
your mood so the reverse must also be true and sound may be
a mood enhancer and may even play a role in many conditions.
Looking further in my news latter there is another very
timely piece of advice at least for me and I would well
imagine for most of us who find the mornings a difficult
time
With
some exceptions there are some useful ideas here. I can't imagine
doing them all every day particularly if you go to work or
have small children or other commitments but one or two of
these ideas may help. Concerning number 2 I am sure though a synthetic brush will do the job just as well , hogs hair, often used in paintbrushes and the type of brush
suggested here, and their bristles are not here for us to
use and are the result of animal cruelty, neither are cacti
bristles, cacti take decades to grow.
Came across a recipe the other day,
one of the ingredients of which was cacti paddles! Really is
nothing safe from human exploitation. The dessert will be in
danger of the decimation of its cacti to make brushes and
silly recipes for a food we can do without. According
to my understanding several species of cacti are on the
endangered list.
December 6th
I do realise that some of you may think that a lot of what I
write nowadays has little told with OCD but this is a
personal blog and will therefore reflects my attitudes as a
person, whether this person is shaped by OCD, depression
anxiety, upbringing, circumstances or simply the way my
brain is wired I do not know, no one knows . Who
am I, what would I be without my OCD? Without the OCD
would I have a different world view a different perspective
on life. If I was to write nothing except comments about my
OCD this would not reflect who I am, it would make me appear
that there was nothing about me but my OCD. Indeed sometimes
it feels this way and it is difficult to separate the two,
what thoughts arise from me and what arise from my OCD. Is
there in fact a me, a self. Buddhists believe there is no
intrinsic self, no permanent abiding persona. In some ways it
is true I am an entirely different person than I was say
twenty years ago even taking into consideration my OCD.
Getting older it seems changes your persona and what was
once of vital importance when younger seems now less so even superficial
and you wonder why you ever placed so much concern over so
many unimportant issues. According to my understanding
Psychologists think the same way that we are shaped by
circumstances and upbringing.
I think OCD reflects a distorted from of your basic
personality - whatever it is or from where it arises - it hijacks what means the most to you and
deforms it to turn it into a misery. For instance I first
enjoyed creating this website until OCD has made it a huge
task, a daily battle with ruminating and checking , it is
sheer torture sometimes. I try to carry on and not let OCD
have all its own way. No I can't ignore the obsessions and
sometimes it is only sheer exhaustion that finally allows me
to load up a page with all its imperfections . But if I give
up what than will I turn my attention to, whatever it is OCD
will destroy that. So I struggle on.
I did do quite well last month add adding daily entries
rather than uploading a whole batch as I am doing now but this month it has
been more difficult.
Also the problems with my neck are
awful at times and prevent my writing. Today after cleaning
the fridge my neck is a nightmare of aching soreness and I
cannot continue.
December11th
Well it's the silly season again or as
I often call it, the nightmare before Christmas . I do not
feel so adverse to Christmas in the last year or two and are
looking forward to the days over the Christmas weekend when
things wind down a bit, I least that is my hope for
Christmas as in the past it has been an unpleasant unhappy
time and I can feel apprehensive during the lead up and wish
it was here. We do not do much at Christmas except eat too
much but its nice to veg out and try and take it easy if
circumstances allow. However the run up to Christmas can for
me be a stressful time and if you have read my memoir you
will know just how difficult past Christmases have been due
to personal tragedy and OCD.
Today though I dread a return to the
post office, the queue will be nearly out the door. This
part of Christmas I find irritating , frustrating and
downright stressful. Since just about every were you go,
shops, the cinema and the post office there are not enough
staff despite the number of available cash points. I
hate queuing . Why? I know most people find it annoying but
I just can't cope with it and and it is stressful. I guess
it has to do with feeling crowded out, the presence of other
people, their close proximity, all the noise, its can be so
overwhelming more so if I am anxious about what I about to
post and want to get it processed before I feel the
compulsion to check it yet again. I simply want to walk in
hand it over and leave but when you have to stand in a queue
for ten minutes or so it can be a torment, should I
loose my nerve. But what isn't a torment when you have
OCD, when it becomes so pervasive in your life.
Also If anyone in such a queue, or
indeed any other public place coughs or sneezes I get really
anxious, often glaring at them. Swine flu is of course the
anxiety here as it is for other people although perhaps for
contamination OCD sufferers its is more of an issue, but who
knows the population in general has become more neurotic in
this regard. But is it neurotic, some of the advice the
government as issued for once should perhaps be followed.
You are advised to sneeze into a paper tissue and dispose of
it safely, down the toilet is probably about the safest way,
if one is available that is, and than wash your hands or use
a germicidal hand wash. You are also advised to bin it
but as a suffer of OCD I get anxious should the person who
empties the bin become infected . If no toilet is available
and I have to sneeze into a tissue when I am out I put it
into a plastic bag after carefully folding it so not to
allow the part that I have sneezed into to touch my hands
and than use germicide hand wash if no soap and water is
available. You 're not supposed to put the tissue back into
your pocket or up your sleeve and use it over an over
contaminating your hands again and again and than go on to
touch other things that other people will touch. I really
get so angry about the unhygienic habits of other people.
You see people don't you with screwed up ragged bits of
tissue they have used over and over.
Important advice displayed on posters
everywhere to Stay at Home if you have flu should be
followed. It really makes me angry when people coughing go
out and infect others, even if it is not swine flu of any
kind other infections such as a chest infection even a cold
can result in serious complications for vulnerable people.
It is selfish to go for instance to the cinema or other
crowed place or indeed anywhere in close proximity to other
people, besides the annoyance from some one hacking and
coughing all the way through the film you are infecting
other people. Last time we went someone at the back with a
real rattling cough, coughed all the way through the film. A
women in front of us had an inhaler, sufferers of asthma and
those with existing health problems such as people having
treatment for cancer, pregnant women and the elderly and
anyone with chronic health problems are more
vulnerable to the complications. So stay at home. I have not
been back to the cinema since this time and probably will
not do so until the spring
Talking of the pervasiveness of OCD my
son came across a number of links which many of you may have
already seen but in all the years of my internet presence I
have failed to come across them. Mind you the days are long
gone when I spent my time trawling the net looking at
anything and everything related to OCD or headaches and
migraine as I once did. I find now that focus upon other
matters is far more useful, or at least makes me feel that
what I do with my websites is more useful than looking for
elusive cures, which now at my age I feel will not come and
I now focus on trying to do something more satisfying even
if I have to work through the hindrance and misery of OCD.
Mind you I often wonder who if anyone visits either of my
websites. I know from statistics that both get visitors and
I have had the occasional correspondence from people who
have visited this website, but I doubt if I get as many
visitors as the statistics indicate at least genuine
visitors. At one time the visitor number rose because there
were one or two people who had hot links to our photographs
which since changing the name have gone.
I continue to feel that even for
people with intractable OCD, about twenty percent of us,
there is hope for improvement and a better life with the
right treatment which in the past was not always available
and today still isn't although much more can be done to
improve our lives. Here in the UK health care is free , you
can have an extremely complex and expensive operation for
absolutely nothing, but when it comes to mental health other
than medication there is not a lot available to you. I have
been offered CBT but really couldn't cope with this as it is
not suitable for everyone and my OCD is very complex and
interwoven to such a degree it is difficult even for me to
explain how precisely it effects me in the way required to
benefit from CBT . But we are all different and CBT has been
of help to many people as has medication, which for me
personally was not suitable.
However the kind of therapy described
here in the first link below would be of significant help
for people with severe and intractable OCD. But of course
remember this is an American clinic, for which a fee or
appropriate insurance is required of course . I have
included this link here as an example of an ideal treatment
plan which I only wish were available
here and when I was younger - without expense or insurance
which of course if you have severe OCD you are unlikely to
be able to afford unless independently wealthy which few of
us are .
I am sure you will agree that the
above is an excellent treatment plan and in an ideal world
should be readily available to all as indeed should be any
medical treatment, but sadly this is not an ideal world.
Those of you who have read my memoir
will recall my stay in hospital and the treatment I received
there which is almost farcical in comparison and certainly
inadequate.
Here is a quick example of my
treatment plan that was drawn up after a whole month on a
ward for people with depression where there was no treatment
for OCD and other behavioural disorders.
I was not allowed to wash my hands
except before meals and after using the toilet. Because of
my irritable balder I was asked not to go to the toilet
unless absolutely necessary other than after waking, before
meals and before retiring. I had a limited time for a bath
of ten minutes, one bath each day no showering or strip
washes in between. There was about half an hour each day set
aside for desensitisation therapy where I would go
round the ward and the hospital supervised by a nurse or
several nurses and touch objects I considered contaminated
and not wash my hands afterwards. The biggest problem
was contact with animals mainly dogs. But there were no dogs
I could stroke so we had to make due with the hospital cat .
I had to stroke the cat and allow him to lick my
fingers and not wash my hands afterwards. There were two or
three trips out to nurses homes to pet their dogs and really
that was about the extent of most of the therapy I received
for the two months duration of my stay in the behavioural
ward. Nothing was done about my religious superstitious OCD
and one nurse even laughed when I told her about one aspect
of this type of OCD.
I am not criticising the health
service, there is simply not made available sufficient
resources for intensive care and a hospital situation for
OCD nowadays is virtually non existent. I think the
treatment would have been more helpful had it been more
intensive and the staff more aware of less usual OCD
manifestations. Some did their best, others were less
helpful and for the most part I considered the therapy at
the level it was provided could have taken place in my own
home. I did make some improvement for a while and may have
been able to sustain it with continued help and more
intensive therapy. But this was simply not available. I have
personal criticism about some of the staff at this
particular hospital but I still consider that the health
service here in the UK despite present set backs is still
better than you would get elsewhere without having to pay
enormous fees which many people simple cannot afford. It
must be quite frightening in countries with no free health
care system when you become ill. Today I can telephone
to see a doctor and not pay one penny. I cannot imagine the
anxiety if this service was not available and the move
towards privatisation in recent years is unsettling for
those of us who have long term medical problems. Although
here in the UK I cannot envision our not having a free
medical service at all. But I do worry. You can read more
detail about my time in hospital for my OCD in my memoir.
I hope you will find these links
useful all have information about OCD
Well today winter is finally here a sharp frosts paints
every white. It has been so mild here in the UK but so much
rain.
Well I am as usual anxious about what I have written in this
entry so will load up now and go work on my other website.
If I leave it until to morrow, which I am tempted to do
because of my anxiety it will be checked over and
over. I really envy those people who can write without all
the obsessing, rumination, worry and analysing.
December 12th
Well the post office encounter regarding queuing was not so
bad this time except that I went to the wrong
transaction point and felt like a fool. Most likely due to
stress I was very confused. A couple more letters to
Nepalese officials about the Gadhimai festival mentioned in
earlier entries, this time I am sure the women at the
counter was rather surprised to process letters to someone
in Nepal, not sure if she had ever heard of the country or
was aware of the dreadful festival which of course was
unsettling. As I do not now watch news on TV or listen to it
on the radio or have a newspaper I am not sure if the
hideous festival, a rather incongruous word for what amounts
to a blood bath, was included in news reports. So its rather
worrying that many people are still ignorant of this event,
which is now widely reported or commented upon on the net,
however everyone does not have internet access. I am still
feeling very affected by this and doubt I will ever forget
it but I do wish to help with any of campaigns that are
slowly being initiated such as this one from Kinship circle
who have a petition you can sign :
I though think if at all possible letters are better, but
can of course be an ordeal for us in one way or another,
indeed for several reasons, although this time at least the
post office encounter was better than last, at least
initially, although when I arrived I did feel very stressed
and anxious.
I hope I am not causing anyone upset but because OCD is so
varied in its manifestations it is difficult to avoid
triggers when even less obvious things may upset someone. My
depression and sorrow over this event and what appears to me
to be nothing short of an animal holocaust world wide is
having a profound effect upon my mood. Please no one be
offended by the use of the word holocaust when applied to
animals. My sister was somewhat taken a back when I first
used the word in this connection saying that some people
would be offended. I personally cannot see why, pain and
suffering is the same for all beings both man and other
animals. According to my perspective there is no difference
between a human being and other animals, all should have the
right to be treated with decency and compassion. Yes I am so
deeply moved by the awful things that happen in the world
that I feel I have to do whatever I can to make a difference
and prevent animal cruelty in all it's forms including of
course the awful cruelty of factory farming and the
slaughtering of millions of sentient creatures in abattoirs.
If such concern is due to some manifestation of OCD
scrupulosity, I have no idea . I rather think not although
the level of my response may well be and OCD does present
with the constant checking of correspondence in this regard
as much any other. Right now I feel like crying and never
stopping but dare not do so for fear of bringing on a
headache.
From the profound to the simple so many things in my life
are not easy and that is an understatement. Few can really
understand the anxiety of a simple day to day action such as
a trip to the post office which in addition to anxiety about
close proximity to other people and catching flu or another
disease is for me an ordeal of social interaction. The
inability to communicate becomes steadily worse if you avoid
doing so and the only reason I went in today and the other
time was because the motivation for doing so outweighed my
anxieties about flu and the social interaction. If you do
not occasionally just go ahead and do something you become
gradually more incapacitated as your perimeter of existence
diminishes. This most certainly has been the case with
social interaction.
Immediately after going to the post office my husband and I
went to the optician. I had been putting this off for weeks
because of anxieties about social interactions and simply
fear of the fear. You know the feeling when eventually you
become anxious, fearful, simply anticipating the anxiety or
fear you are likely to experience in any given situation. So
you avoid even thinking about doing something or making
plans such as an appointment which will set off your anxiety
about the anxiety you will experience by making such a
commitment. But I really needed to do something about my
long distance glasses which I feel now I really should be
wearing all the time but avoid doing so because the
frame is uncomfortable and they are those transition lenses,
the type that react to sunlight and get darker when you are
out. They even retain some slight tint when I am indoors. I
had them fitted because of my headaches and migraine because
the sun during the summer time is too bright and I worry
that it will make an existing headache worse or set one off.
Okay in summer but when winter arrives...
Why have I put this off? I have done so simply because of
the social interaction and it is only due to necessity that
I went yesterday. Also indecision plays some role as of
course if I have ordinary lenses when the summer comes what
than as I would be hard pressed to afford prescription
sunglasses. So I can't make a decision. When you suffer with
depression you really do not what your glasses becoming dark
on a dull winter's day when the gloom is depressing without
wearing what is the equivalent of sun glasses. The advantage
though of sun glasses is that they make eye intact much
easier or at least my difficulty with eye contact is less
noticeable and sometimes you have to weigh up the advantages
and disadvantages. I had rehearsed for several days what I
was going to say but knew it would never work out that way
as such rehearsed speeches never do. Yes it did not go
according to plan although I managed to make my point the
receptionist kept implying that if I was having difficulties
seeing I may need an eye test. I found it difficult to
articulate that I could see okay with them it was simply
that on a dull day they made it appear even darker. I
procrastinated and said I would come in the new year.
Actually going for an eye test is quite an ordeal and one I
can't face right now. Again this is due to anxiety and
concerns I will get a headache and not be able to attend,
the thought of which will make me anxious for days prior to
an appointment. Have you noticed how procrastinators
for what ever reason their anxiety or whatever put
everything off until after Christmas . Trouble is if you do
not make some attempt to stand up to something in your life
your life will eventually come to a stand still and also
concerning medical matter procrastination can result in
serious health issues. I consider this is a problem for
people who suffer with mental health issues or an ASD.
I have worked on this entry since 5am and have checked and
rechecked and added more and more. Its not perfect and never
will be so I am going to click the publish button. I really
feel nowadays as though it is getting too much as OCD really
makes it so difficult to do anything and really three hours
plus is simply too much time. I am going to have to get used
to including entries that are less than perfect as of course
I am not a writer and have a medical condition which effects
the way I write and somehow I have to accept this.
December 17th
The snow is falling thick and fast, unusual before
Christmas. I like the snow but worry about animals exposed
to the unrelenting onslaught with no shelter. Also I have an
appointment with the nurse to have my ear syringed tomorrow
so anxious about not getting there. In addition I have had a number
of significant headaches this week along with all the other
misery of aches and pains and IBS not to mention my OCD
which is worse in most aspects. It seems there are few things
left in life to enjoy as there is always a downside. You can
have so many feelings and thoughts vying for dominance,
contrasting desires and fears. To explain lets look at this
simple example of snow. While it snows fast I feel anxious
about animals and the need to go out as already explained but as soon as it abates I feel
disappointed. Its a no win situation it seems, conflicting
thoughts manifest in just so many areas of your life, but it
often takes time to recognise them. The problem is of course
it means that life is very unsatisfactory, mind you it is
very difficult to be happy when there is just so much
suffering in the world, most of which is made worse by human
beings. No I am not yet over the Gadhimai festival it
continues to haunt me, maybe the extent to which it does has
something to do with my depression and or OCD. I think many
people who are depressed are perhaps more sensitive to
suffering, and in some ways this is a good thing, at least
if we take some action, even if is only a small action such
as letter writing or signing petitions. It appears to me
that there are two things that happen if you are chronically
depressed, you either feel hypersensitive ,or you are rather
dead inside to suffering even your own. Mind you it would
take a callous person not to be moved by that shocking
event. I have written another article for my Think
differently about sheep website concerning the festival.
If you wish to see it please click the following link.
Warning!
I have to warn you though there are a few disturbing
imagines.
This barbarous event has effected me deeply as does factory farming and
animal slaughter and writing about it I feel that I am doing
something as there is really not a lot I can do alone.
Writing this article has exhausted me as I have obsessed and checked
until I am nearly at screaming point. I have no one to check
it over as my son cannot cope with the huge amount of
writing and my husband will simply say it is fine and not
notice any errors, so I am even more anxious about mistakes,
and with factual information getting the facts right is a
nightmare as with any subject there is so much conflicting
information.
I try, I really do try as this problem with writing is
really so inhibiting because writing is my best means of
communication. Writing here and on my Sheep website gives
me some sense of purpose despite some of the emotional pain
it has caused.
December 18th
May there be peace, peace, and perfect peace.
The Upanishads
I am reading a fascinating book :The philosophy files by
Stephen Law. It is philosophy made really really easy to
understand. I have an interest in philosophy but find that
reading the raw material of philosophers rather beyond me,
particularly since my anxiety and depression have become
progressively worse over the years making it often difficult
to comprehend or concentrate upon complex subjects. But his
is a great book to just dip into with basic straight
forward information.
It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself.
The chapter on What is Real is particularly fascinating as
it discusses Plato's theory that we exist in what he called a
shadow land. According to Plato the world we perceive is
just a shadow world, the real world is hidden from our five
senses. It cannot be seen, touched, smelt, felt or heard but
it is the real world and is perfect, a wonderful place, it
has all that is essential, and it has always been and will
continue to be and is the place we go to when we die. Why am
I telling you all this? Well I found it somehow comforting .
As it touches on religion I will not go into too much detail today but
eventually I wish to
tell you about my feelings concerning religion, philosophy and indeed
politics. I said in my About Me page that I would not do so
other than what appears in my memoir of course. But I now
feel that it is important to discuss as much as possible of
ones life it you are attempting to relate your life as a
sufferer of a mental health condition, as of course such a
condition is part of your psyche. But which part? That is
the question. Sometimes you feel you lose who you are if
indeed you are anyone at all. Yes there is a chapter about
just that, What is the Mind, which I have not yet read.
Sometimes you feel that OCD Swallows you whole as though
there is no you separate from it. I have not read all of
the book yet but just wanted to share that with you.
Concerning the shadow world and what lies beneath it, such
speculation fascinate me. I do not know if there is a shadow
world or any other existence beyond that which we perceive,
or indeed who it is that perceive it, or if even there is a
you to perceive it, an
independent self. Certainly a lot of how I perceive the
world is shaped by my OCD and depression . However at least
concerning depression and what appears to be my sensitivity
to the negatives of life perhaps I should consider that it is other people
who are deluded, the ones who see the roses and not notice
the thorns. I do not know if there is a shadow word or
that anything better exists at a deeper level of perception not
available to us, I certainly hope that there is. I do know
that very occasionally for perhaps a fleeting moment I get
that feeling that underneath all the misery of my life and
the oppression of depression there is a person who has the
potential to be happy. Such moments are very rare and fleeting,
perhaps a fraction of a second only but I have had sudden and brief moments of
peace. Such feelings are ephemeral and I have had only about three
in the last seven years since moving here, but they occur
and give hope that there is something beyond unhappiness and
suffering.
December 19th
Mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from
natural experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by
depression takes on the quality of physical pain.
William Styron
I am taking a break from being on-line. I may add the
occasional entry here on my blog, but will not be opening my
e-mail box after Monday 21st until January the 2nd. I simply
need time out. I am exhausted mentally and
physically. Right now I have a significant headache which
could well be migraine, I had migraine yesterday and one on
Wednesday and I suspect that this headache may well turn
out to be migraine. The constant round of illness is
wearying and Christmas is a good time to take a break, catch
up on some reading or simply veg about. I was going to say I
enjoy my computer and the internet and managing my website,
but still need a break, but because of OCD nothing is
joyful. I can say though that these activities give me some
sense of purpose even though I have to struggle with the onslaught
of OCD, depression and these bloody awful headaches and
other issues. But I need time out. Also Christmas can be
difficult, although we do not get as involved as many people
you do get caught up in it all.
So please be aware that if you write to me after December
20th I will not respond until January the 2nd.
I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a
happy Christmas and New year... yes we can hope can't we?
Thank you to everyone who has taken time to write to me,
feed back is encouraging and I so appreciate it.
If you have Autism, AS or indeed any type of ASD the short video below
will be of interest to you as it relates just so well what
it is like to be have an ASD. As regular visitors know my son
has AS and I rather think that in addition to OCD I have AS
or significant traits which as I get older seem even more
significant ,although I cannot get a diagnosis and have
given up trying. I think that doctors do not think that it
is possible or have AS and OCD as two
co existing conditions. I think I am possibly a sufferer of
AS who has OCD. The OCD is the dominant condition although
in recent years they seem to be on an even keel perhaps,
although my OCD effects more aspects of my functioning.
However social interaction problems are a significant
detriment and the exhaustion from
trying to function socially is difficult for others to
understand, even something as simple as a trip to the
doctors can be exhausting. Not only due to the strain of
social interaction but also due to sensory issues.
Partly due to this I find it increasingly difficult to go to
the doctors or anywhere where there are crowds or sensory issues,
which other than in places such as the Yorkshire dales is
everywhere.
December 20th
It is my son's birthday today, he will get only one card
from my husband and I. Yes it seems sad and indeed it is .
The same thing happened last year. People who have Aspergers
syndrome often lead lonely lives and it is a worry for
parents and causes my husband and I considerable sadness.
However at this time of year this fact is really
brought home when he receives no Birthday cards. My husband
has family but they do not know of our son's diagnosis and
its never been our habit to send their sons or daughters
birthday cards, so we do not exchange cards. This all came
about for complicated reasons when we were much younger and
could not afford to buy presents for such a large family.
Also my husband has little contact with his family although
he has tried. There is no reason, no falling out or
contention of any kind, they simply do not bother with their
brother. My son has no friends because of his AS and since
coming here he has become more and more isolated . It was
the biggest mistake of my life to come and live here and I
will always regret it as things have not gone well in any
way whatsoever and apart from one acquaintance we really
have no friends either, although my husband is more able to
communicate than are we and he chats with the neighbours. It
is difficult for people to understand what it is like to
have AS and not to be able to communicate well, or you find
the strain so emotionally draining that you even give up
trying. A lot of uniformed people seem to think that it is
no big deal having AS, "oh he is intelligent", "he seems
like anyone else to me", after barely talking to him of
course. Such erroneous misconceptions people believe after
meeting for him only a few times. He, like myself, is able
to present an acceptable facade for a brief encounter with
someone and this leaves them perhaps feeling that he is shy
and nothing more, but its quite a different matter if they
were to live with him every day and step into his shoes.
Well I feel another headache lurking about so I will leave
it there until after the new year. Yesterday I had a violent
headache and I really lost it as the saying goes. I could
not stop crying and ranted about the unfairness of it all. I
am sick and tired of these bloody awful headaches which last
night was so serve I could barely cope. I could hardly keep
awake at only 7pm and resting my aching head against my mug
of hot coffee I fell asleep and of course spilled the entire
cup all over me!!! Outside its snowing like crazy I worry
about commitments next week and I feel as though I just have
to have some peace before I go crazy. I am sick of
waking at about 3 or 4 am fearful to fall asleep again
should an existing headache get worse. Furthermore I am
weary of OCD and depression, the way it takes over you life,
but sometimes I think over OCD are those blasted headaches.
Tuesday my daughter would have been twenty, so its not an
easy time of year filled with unhappy memories. I know life
is hell for many people and that millions go to bed at night
hungry but such thinking only makes you more depressed of
course and guilty. Yesterday I felt guilty loosing my cool
having a meltdown over my headache, but we had wanted to
take my son for a birthday lunch and I felt so guilty
about the headache. I hate the dammed headaches ! I
know it was not his birthday yesterday but we thought it
would be too crowded to go today. We cannot cope with
crowds, and this time of year the pub we were going to for
our meal will be packed on Sunday. But there are other days,
but I don't think like that because I find it difficult to
change plans and I simply cannot be rational in this
regard, if I could I would not of course have OCD or the
other problems that present due to neurotic anxiety and
perspective.
Well I have decided to take a complete break so after today
there will be no more entries until January 2nd , and after
tomorrow morning I will not respond to e-mail also until the
2nd January. In basic terms I simply need a break from all
the obsessing related to writing and my activities on the
computer. Again my wishes to you all for a happy Christmas,
at least do the best you can.
if you are fed up with Christmas, and it stresses you out or
makes you depressed you may enjoy these humorous or thought
provoking quotations:
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with
a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning
Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas
shopping when they ran out of money.
Author Unknown
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has
never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
Author Unknown
I can
personally validate the truthfulness of that statement, my
husband wrapped my son's Christmas present in two kinds of
wrapping paper
cellotaped so much it will take him ages to get it open.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas
morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck
Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with
next year's money.
Author Unknown
May Peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all
year through
Author Unknown
I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men! "
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Have peaceful Christmas everyone
Finally some timely advice for those of us who find
Christmas difficult from an article called: Depression and
Christmas—Holidays and Depression Can Go Hand &
Hand—Different Experts Offer Help:
"I think the bigger cause of holiday depression is unmet
expectations".
Some examples of unmet expectations are not having the
perfect marriage, the perfect family, the great job, or not getting along
with certain family members. Alternatively, they can mean
not having yet having attained what we wanted in our lives.
And let us not forget the implication from just about
everyone that we are "supposed to have a great time" during
the holidays. That is unrealistic to many people. Some
problems do not disappear during Christmas. Family members
with whom you have not traditionally gotten along with are
unlikely to be different this season. How about other issues
and problems people have, small as they may be, will they
all be gone during the holidays? Unlikely and many realize
it, consciously or unconsciously. In my view, these and
similar issues contribute to making the blues that some may
be feeling a little worse when the holiday season hits.
Here are some expert's tips on how to deal with holiday
depression:"
To read the complete article including the tips article
please click
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I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please
bear in mind that I have a number of quite debilitating
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