The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

August 2007

Links to recommended blogs:

Gristmill: The environmental news blog |

This blog is part of Grist Magazine's website, a magazine dedicated to environmental issues.

Positive Attitude Quotes, Free Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular Motivativational sayings.

A good selection of interesting quotations

August 2nd

I really have to learn how to change all the pages at one time to included a new page each month as it is time consuming and frustrating to have to individually change each page. If you do not have a website you will probably have no idea what I am rambling about. Creating and maintaining a website is a huge task but sometimes there are short cuts, but these short cuts like everything else have to be learned and sometimes the process of learning new things for me is slower than continuing with the longer usual procedure, at least in the first instance, and often also requires some patience. I am the sort of person who wants to get on and do whatever it is I am trying to achieve without the necessity of learning the instructions, the type of person who gets for instance a box of flat packed furniture and tries to put it all together without reference to the instructions, to name an obvious example which many people can relate to. I am an impatient person, I have a mind full of ideas but often not the patience or the wherewithal to carry them out. I am a slow learner, I am slow at everything I do and I get depressed and frustrated by this .

One of course should never compare ones self to others as there is always someone who does just about anything and everything better than you do and such comparisons on a regular basis will determine your self confidence. But I am often amazed by the output of other people. Artists who seem to produce a proliferation of artwork, maintain a website, write books and so on. Well you know the type of person. It appears that everything just flows from them with ease and this is the case for some people but I imagine that these are in the minority yet we make these comparisons and leave ourselves feeling inadequate.

However for many people such as myself every endeavour comes with a huge struggle, not only because of OCD and depression, both of which cause hindrances in one way or another as I have discussed many times, but also for reasons not easily explained. For some people it takes a while to learn anything, particularly if you have some kind of learning disability or you have a condition such as ADD or its counterpart ADHD which of course involves an inability to concentrate amongst other symptoms that impede learning efficiently and quickly. It is likely I have ADD although I have no formal diagnosis. Also I can't spell, I cannot co-ordinate my brain to type accurately whilst trying to think how to spell, at least a semblance of the correct spelling for the spell checker to recognise, whilst also thinking about what I wish to say , a problem which I have also explained before in some detail. The result is frustration, depression and a lack of motivation and muscle tension resulting from the stress involved. Add all this to the OCD borne anxiety about writing something which may cause harm , yet again explained in some detail throughout my blog, results in a further increase in frustration and stress and depletion in motivation for what is for all intents and purposes a mammoth task. How I envy the quick witted person who just sits and types not stopping to think how to spell or ponder and deliberate what to say and how to say it but rather it all comes naturally automatic like eating or walking, their fingers hitting the right keys with precise coordination . Each sentence appears like magic as though it just flows from the person like water in a stream.

It will take several attempts to edit this entry as indeed it does for all my entries here on my blog; both to correct the dreadful errors, the result of not being able to spell, or touch type, which also often results in caps lock being activated with the consequence that when I finally look up at the screen there are several sentences all in upper case letters. Aaaggghhhhh so frustrating.

I try to type too quickly to keep up with my brain as once the thoughts have formed I need to get it down before I loose track of what I wish to say. There are so many thoughts in my mind that sometimes it is overwhelming and my inabilities to spell,  type and the interference from OCD makes typing an exhausting endeavour.

Below is how part of the third paragraph appeared before the first editing. It took 15 minutes to correct and it has taken several readings to finally feel moderately satisfied it is acceptable from a grammatical spelling perspective, which means as best I can manage, and from a OCD point of view of not casing harm. My brain is now so confused and muddled I cannot think straight and my neck and shoulders so stiff.

But some people it simply takes a while to learn anything particalry if youa vhe some kind of learning disability. I can't spell , I cannot cordiante my brian to type accurately to try to spell whsit thinking of waht I wish to say a problme I avhe expalined in some detail  the result is frsitation muscle tension which effects a necl problems and depression. Add all this to anxiety abotu wrtign soemthing which may casue ahrm again expaline in my blog on amny occassions and ther esult si frstation depression and lack of motivation forw aht is essentail a mammoth task. how I ENVY THE QUICK WITTED EPRSON WHO JSUT SITTS AND TYPES NOT SPEELING TO THINK ABOUT IT SJUT COEMS ANTURALLY THE FINGERS HITTIGN ALL THER CORRECT KESY with repcsie co ordination. Aparagraph apepars almost liek magic . be low is how this last apr of this apragraph appeared before editing due to the problems which I ahve.

It is not quite as problematic with e-mail or letters but nonetheless it can take a considerable time and many corrections and much OCD ruminating particualry if the correspondence is not personal to someone I do know. This website is however the most problematic as I am writing straight from my mind and not in response to what another person as written.

Please do not however take this as an indication I do not wish to hear from anyone. Quite the contrary in fact it would be nice to receive comments. Sometimes I think no one visits this website. It is important to try and work round ones difficulties particualry those caused by OCD. The more you give in to such difficulties and avoid them the more your life becomes inhibited as a consequence and after a time you will find there is nothing much of anything you can do.

Why am I telling you all this? I am not looking for sympathy. The motivation is as always to tell you what my life is like to hopefully promote more understanding of the difficulties which some of us have to contend with each day of our lives. Certainly by comparisons to others these difficulties may seem minor but as I have said comparison rarely does anything to improve either our own lives or that of others. Envy resentments and a begrudging attitude towards others more able results in depression and loss of self esteem and only serves to create alienation amongst people.  It however annoys me when someone doesn't understand that others are not able to do what they are able to do. I recall at my computer classes a few years ago now that one of the teachers asked me to type something and was rather surprised by my difficulties assuming that someone capable of creating a website should not have difficulty spelling and typing, which of course was much worse with someone looking over my shoulder.
 

August 4th

It has been a problem yet again to update my website this time as life as been more difficult lately for reasons not clearly defined. An assortment of worries and catastrophizing ruminations have had me very anxious recently more so than usual. Particualry the motivation sapping depression has been of considerable detriment. Even in some of the darkest days of my OCD and migraine I have always had some sort of hope that things would improve but lately a heavy depression makes everything that once brought some modicum of satisfaction pointless. Often when I write to people such as e-mail pals on the net I am rather lost for something to say other than things related to my condtion. Yes we go out and about quite a bit but often I worry that few people have really much interest in this. Mind you I think that these days people, particularly in real time rather than e-mail or letter where people tend to take more of an interest, simply wish to talk about themselves they are not interested in the interests of others yet expect you to be interested in them. I guess it is a matter of finding someone who is compatible, but oftentimes this is difficult. I think that this has come about since moving here to the northeast and I have not been able to find anyone I see often to talk things over with, a shared conversation rather than me being a witness listening to monologue, which has been the case with many of the people I have met here. I am still rather shocked that no one ever asked my husband what he did for living, why he was made redundant, why we came here to live here... basic questions people would ask a new comer to a neighbourhood, at least they did when I was younger.

I guess what I am trying to say here but rather straying from the point as usual is that I do not feel  that I really have much of a life and this is due mainly too OCD, migraine and headaches and Aspergers syndrome. Regardless as to whether I have a formal diagnosis of AS I defiantly have the symptoms particularly social interaction difficulties. Which moreover is often adversely effected by sensory issues such as sensitivity to noise, bright light and so on which adds to the difficulties I have to make conversation.

At least with the event of the internet I have now on-line companions which is easier than making real-time conversations as there is time to think about what to say and how to say it. It is by no means easy but easier and I would feel very isolated without this form of communication. My husband is more able to socialise, he chats to the neighbours and so on but for me this is difficult. Sometimes I think if you live within your own mind too much you begin to loose touch with reality even further. Also this website and blog allows me to express myself in ways that where not available when I was younger. Often sharing with others helps us to gain a more rational perspective as even with fellow OCD sufferers who have a different problem we can still offer insight and provide a more normal perspective even if we cannot provide ourselves with one. Often self talk fails to work because the abhorrent part of our mind will always turn back to the irrational logic of our OCD thinking, but the ideas of another and their own perspective can often help to alleviate or at least take the edge off our anxieties even if only for a time.

This month there are two new inclusions:

Firstly, two more of Annette's inspirational e-mails with much sound advice, appropriate for anyone with any anxiety disorder.

Annette  

New to the website are a selection of e-mails from a suffer of OCD who lives in Uruguay. Luis has asked me to publish them so that others can know something of what it is like to have OCD in a developing country and to struggle alone without help or support of any kind.

Luis

If you have a story to tell about your experiences or you have some advice for fellow sufferers of any of the condtions included on this website please write about them and I will be happy to publish your accounts for others to share.

Psychologists and other mental health workers may be able to offer support and methods of coping that will improve our lives but it is only we who suffer the misery of mental torment who really know and understand what it is like.

Something positive to close with. Last Wednesday we had a day trip to Scarborough, in the castle ruins, on top of a wall a sea gull has built her nest. Here is photograph for you to use as desk top wall paper of these adorable creatures.

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August 5th

Well after rambling on about having to change and add new links to each page of my blog every month I in fact forgot to actually do this, and for a couple of days before I realised I had not done so there where no links to the new August 2007 page from previous pages and no links from the introduction page either. Really I think I am loosing it, my mind seems so all over the place unable to maintain any focus, as a consequence there are more and more mistakes which in turn results in more and more OCD checking for errors with subsequently increased exhaustion, mental confusion and brain fog which in turn leads to more absent mindedness, more mistake and so on, it is rather cyclical . Anyway apologies for any confusion. Please do e-mail me if you do see mistakes it would be appreciated.

August 6th

Artists of this movement desired to portray images as though someone might see something if they just caught a glimpse of it. Impressionist paintings contain very bright, bold colors, and tend to have very little detail. Wise Geek ,com 
Wise Geek: What is Impressionism?

I painted what was supposed be the less detailed impressionist style of painting which I was going to show you but felt so dissatisfied with it that I cannot cope with doing so. I actually took the photo, several in fact, obsessed and obsessed and obsessed some more and finally decided again not to include it here for all to see. Which incidentally has never been easy notwithstanding the renditions of my art in the Gallery. But just lately what little confidence I have had has further diminished.

The question is not, "Can they reason?" nor, "Can they talk?" but rather, "Can they suffer?
Jeremy Bentham
 

I am not condemning anyone here, for as at one time I too was guilty in the past of such blinkered vision. Now however the thoughts of these dreadful things haunt me and I cannot imagine that once I eat meat. Where I live in the northeast most of the land and the mountainous hilly country is given over to sheep farming and each spring everywhere there are hundreds of the most adorable tiny lambs roaming free over the hills. As you drive through the dales it is a delight to see these creatures with their mothers, it is indeed one of the few pleasures of life that stirs my soul and lifts my spirits. So trusting some lambs even approach your car if you stop and it is a joy to which I look forward each spring. Yet there is always the thought that these lambs will be there only a few short months and than one day as we drive though the countryside we find most of these creatures gone, taken from their mothers and slaughtered. People take pleasure in the new born lambs or calves, they take photos, paint pictures, make stuffed toys sold all of which are sold in all the local shops, yet in teas rooms, café's there is local fresh lamb on the menu and people fail to see the incongruity of this situation. It is as if they do not make the connection.

Today the ban on the movement of animals is to be lifted and if the outbreak is soon over many will be comforted that this time millions of animals escaped the slaughter and I also will be relieved that this genocide will not occur, can I use that word in reference to animals... I think it applies well enough to the killing of tens of thousands of animals... no millions of animals slaughtered for meat each and every year not only during a foot and mouth outbreak.

Take off the rose coloured glasses as the slaughter goes on and on, year in and year out as the normal course of events albeit not to the excessive extent which occurred during the 2001 outbreak of foot and mouth.

In an earlier stage of our development most human groups held to a tribal ethic.  Members of the tribe were protected, but people of other tribes could be robbed or killed as one pleased.  Gradually the circle of protection expanded, but as recently as 150 years ago we did not include blacks.  So African human beings could be captured, shipped to America and sold.  In Australia white settlers regarded Aborigines as a pest and hunted them down, much as kangaroos are hunted down today.  Just as we have progressed beyond the blatantly racist ethic of the era of slavery and colonialism, so we must now progress beyond the speciesist ethic of the era of factory farming, of the use of animals as mere research tools, of whaling, seal hunting, kangaroo slaughter and the destruction of wilderness.  We must take the final step in expanding the circle of ethics.  Pete Singer

The soul is the same in all living creatures, although the body of each is different.
Hippocrates

Time to go veggie:

Viva! - Vegetarians International Voice for Animals

The Vegetarian Society

August 9th

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd
Voltaire

Sometimes I think that with OCD you just cannot win. No I do not mean that you will never find relief from it or get it under control, rather I mean that when you are in the throes of full blown OCD sometimes no matter what action you take to quell the anxiety and mitigate the fearful thoughts at the end of the day you may still be anxious over this or that.

A while back now to my horror I noticed that way back in 2004 I had missed two or three e-mails sent to me by a group moderator concerning my website and other matters. I had posted my link to this newsgroup and there was no response for a week to two, and for reasons difficult to define I got rather carried away with my website and my subscription to my e-mail connected with this group was cancelled because I had not used it. Some considerable time passed. I reactivated my e-mail, visited the group, wrote a massage and left another link. A few more weeks passed than while looking back over previous posts I suddenly noticed three messages I had not responded to. I felt just awful as I know myself how disappointing even worrying it can be to be ignored. I ruminated about this, but what to do I had no idea. Should I do anything at all, after all a significant period of time had lapsed and I had received a response to my present e-mail to the group? But I continued to worry and felt just awful so I wrote and explained. And than I felt so anxious and ridiculous for replying after so long a time had passed. It is not the first time either this has happened and it may not be the last as I am a member of so many newsgroups I have lost track of them all. It was not a huge worry in the scheme of OCD things but it caused me some anxiety nonetheless, and I did feel just terrible about ignoring this person but than within minutes of posting I felt silly about responding after all this time and I felt that I did the wrong thing and should have just let it go, but if I had done so from time to time this worry would have returned to haunt me. But whatever I did I did for the best of intentions despite the fact it appears that I did so to quell the torment of intrusive OCD thoughts that would not be stilled.

I also, at about the same time, had a long letter from a government department that I have forgotten to respond too, again I felt just awful, it had taken a good deal of time for this person to write this very long and comprehensive letter, two months had passed and I wondered if it would be okay to write a thank you, although of course he writes to many people and had most likely not given me or my letter any further thought, but it worried me, it drove me just crazy.

One of the biggest difficulties in such situations is that I do not know what is appropriate and what is not. I am sure the person receiving the long overdue response to his news group post will understand... at least I hope so. Although such worries are not fear inducing in quite the same way as a confrontation with a contamination issue such as contact with a dog for instance, nonetheless this type of ruminative thought and resulting action can be quite anxiety provoking adding to other OCD type anxieties.

Moreover with this type of worry the tables can be turned and you can find yourself enmeshed in another distressing ruminative scenario concerning the action you have taken.  A reverse scenario arises where you than find yourself wishing you had not taken this action, you than berate yourself now convinced that you should have just let well alone, as now all the arguments for writing dissipate and new arguments present telling you why you should not have written.

Yes indeed such are no win situations and you have to in the end do what you think is right. I do not like to cause harm to anyone even in such a small way. My actions appear to be motivated by OCD and I have no idea if I would have worried or wrote after so long if I did not have OCD. But I did what I did with the best of intentions for all concerned including myself and yes I am obsessing now right now, no matter what I write here I cannot make it right in my own mind and these thoughts and considerations will return in-between all the other thoughts which crowd my mind clamouring for attention. Sometimes this will be the dominate thought, sometimes it will be lost amongst the huge influx of other worrying and frightening thoughts vying for attention in my beleaguered mind.

August 11th

This morning I received the following link to an interesting story from an e-mail pal and regular visitor of this website Luis Lopez, you can read his letters in the sufferers stories section.

No this has nothing to do with OCD or indeed anything of relevance to my website. It is simply a delightful story.

It is helpful from time to time don't you think to focus our attention elsewhere rather than on our respective conditions. And besides this is a personal blog and will therefore include other items which are of meaning or interest to me, such as the entry below

This link will take you to a wonderful story about a couple of Flamingos who are it seems, gay.

"WWT Slimbridge's famous gay flamingos Carlos and Fernando usually have to steal eggs in order to become parents. So they couldn't believe their luck last week when WWT staff chose the pair as surrogate parents to an abandoned chick that went on to hatch twice!"

Read the full story

Gay Flamingos play 'Mum' and Dad - Wildfowl & Wetlands Trust (WWT)

Extraordinary!  Don't you think? This story just goes to prove that there is more to animals than we were taught to believe  and just goes to show that animals are sentient, feeling, thinking beings.

Luis also alerted me to a campaign called Animals Matter to Me.

Animals Matter to Me petition

This link takes you to the Animals Matter to Me main website where you will find more detail and information about the campaign and other supportive action you may take. There is also a list of links to the websites of all the animal welfare members taking part in this global effort. 

"Animals Matter To Me' represents the biggest ever global animal welfare initiative linking the entire animal welfare movement under one strategic goal - global recognition that animals are sentient beings, capable of feeling pain and suffering."

Animals Matter to Me, campaign information

Please consider signing the petition

August 14th

We were in Lancashire yesterday, the Forest of Bowland designated an Area of Outstanding Natural beauty AONB. The Forest of Bowland isn't really a forest but hilly country, really splendid scenery, but today was so cold like autumn with the occasional burst of heavy rain. A long way to travel for such a dreary day but if we did not go out despite the weather we would have done nothing all summer. Despite the anxiety that going out brings in many ways I would not cope with staying at home all the time where my problems seems to crowd in more.

Our first stop was at one of the North West’s most scenic spots, immortalised in one of Turner’s famous paintings the
Crook O'Lune , here the river Lune meanders through a most pleasant setting of woodland and two impressive bridges. There is a picnic site situated at a beautiful spot on a meander in the River Lune which affords splendid views of the river and surrounding countryside. We had often stopped here at this picnic sight to use the facilities on our return from our holidays in the southwest and had planned to go back for a proper visit
 
The first scene that greets you immediately upon leaving the car park is a splendid view overlooking the river. I had intended to include a photo here but it was so cloudy at the time the photo was taken, too dark even to edit, so instead I have included here a photo of the gorgeous pink wild flowers which despite the miserable dullness of the day where indeed a pretty sight. The photo is sized for you to use as desk top wall paper.

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It is a good area for walking and we struggled over the steep and very slippery hill to where turner had painted his picture. The scene having drastically changed was rather disappointing after such a struggle for me with my aches pains and general anxieties always apprehensive anticipating the approach of a dog. I had on a white skirt, the only one I could cope with wearing due to a mix of OCD, sensory problems of uncomfortable clothing and other matters I really don’t feel like discussing. Suffice it to say on this dull cold and very wet day I felt ridiculous! With shoes on which leaked because I cannot cope with going into a shop and buying new ones and no tights for similar reasons I felt miserable to the extreme. My legs where stung by nettles, I became increasingly irritable; sadly now the combination of OCD fears plus other health problems, all described in detail elsewhere, are now making me a rather stressed, anxious and testy individual. Everything is a huge effort and this was expressed in an increasingly audible and angst manner for which later I regretted and was thereafter plagued with feelings of guilt.

The walk was also noisy, there being two major roads near by and the walk to where turner painted his picture necessitated crossing one of these very busy roads just at the point of a bend, hardly conducive for relaxation, the drone of traffic ever present during the entire walk. Notwithstanding the noise from traffic it is a pretty place and there are many other pleasant walks available and perhaps if I did not have so many health problems; was not riddled with feelings of continuous anxiety, and the weather did not resemble an Indian monsoon I may have enjoyed this very popular place.

Once having gradually gotten used to the number of people in the car park I was pleased to find that it was in fact more peaceful and less crowded than first impressions lead me to believe as people dispersed to walk the many different scenic routes available. However with two out of three toilets with out
bolts, the council or whoever is responsible for the area seems to consider that hot water in the taps is more important than the simple and cheap provision of bolts or latches ensuring visitors privacy and dignity , or perhaps no one simply cares, and the necessity to keep your eyes pealed on the ground for so much dog mess, not to mention so many dogs did make me feel at first that I could not cope. The dogs and their mess was much less of a problem further in and on the route we took we met neither man nor animal.

However I just could not relax here but felt compelled to make the best of it but after the walk I suggested we drive elsewhere into the hills. Here none of us had been before and although the road was marked as a scenic route we where not sure what we would find. I had began to feel depressed and guilty that we had travelled all this way for what was proving to be rather a misery for my husband and son and a nightmare of anxiety for me. I always feel guilty if the day turns out to be awful particularly if it is I who has suggested we visit a certain place. I had had in fact some misgivings that although the place seemed pleasant when we stopped there on our return from our holidays that it may not be worth the length of the trip of about eighty miles, which is a good distance and can be tiring despite some really splendid scenery along the way. Also on a long journey my mind is less occupied and therefore is more open to OCD thoughts and worrying ruminations and also one has nowadays to consider the huge price of petrol. So again I was anxious about suggesting we travel further along however it involved only a small addition to our mileage as eventually the routine lay in the direction of home. Somehow I have to make the best of the day otherwise there is anxiety - is there anything in my life that does not bring about anxiety and or depression you might ask? Sadly to be honest, no there is not, my mind now having become very sensitive to any and everything thing that does not go right, does not work out according to plan or does not meet up to my expectations.

Another torrential deluge of rain and we decide to explore the rest of Bowled Forest as here we hope we can at least find a scenic spot with good view where we can park the car and where if the rain persists we can at least just sit and read.

Our arrival at a cattle grid signified that finally we were in more natural open country and it was certainly a more wild and less spoiled place than the area round the river which we had previously visited. There were some fine views over to the coast, we could spot nearby Lancaster and in the distance Blackpool tower. The weather now seemed more settled, but still cold and windy, but nevertheless it was indeed a pleasant trip through this very peaceful place stopping by fast flowing streams, ascending hills with marvellous views populated mostly by sheep. Two or three villages providing toilet faculties, shops and pubs, were not over crowded despite it being the height of the holiday season here in the UK. At one village we stopped to feed dozens of ducks I have never seen so many in one place. My husband buying feed from the local shop was surrounded by eager ducks within minutes. Yes mild anxiety about bird flue notwithstanding it was a pleasure to feed them. I did have quite a bit of anxiety as my IBS began to cause problems but compared to some days this was less anxiety provoking than is usually the case.

On the return journey we stopped at one of the local pubs we frequent for a plate of chips and a cup of coffee. Again sitting in the pub my hackles are raised should someone enter with a dog. It is never relaxing, ever. Sometimes when I am out and about and see how life could be if only I did not have OCD, migraine, depression ,IBS and so on I feel more despairing. It can in fact be quite depressing and come as a shock of sudden realisation which really brings home to me how dysfunctional I am within so many aspects of daily living and how incapable I am of enjoying anything . How I would like to go out and feel that I have done so for sheer pleasure and satisfaction rather than merely going out to avoid staying at home and feeling life is passing me by. We as a family go out and about more than most it would seem yet there is no real contentment or satisfaction, at least not for me. Yes I can still appreciate the scenery, I adore the cute little lambs and their mums too but there is so much anxiety worry and outright fear and a heaviness of heart and weariness both physical and mental that it would be difficult for me in all honesty to say these trips where enjoyable.
 

August 19th

Today we made one of our visits to Kagyu Samye Ling monastery and Tibetan Centre located on the banks of the river Esk in Eskdale, Dumfries and Galloway, southern Scotland. Founded in  1967 by  Dr Akong Tulku Rinpoche it is the first Buddhist Monastery to be established in the Western hemhisphere. The centre is dedicated to the preservation of the Tibetan religion, medicine, art and other aspects of the Tibetan culture which is lowly being destroyed by the Chinese since the invasion of Tibet by China in 1950.  It is a fascinatingly interesting place which we frequent two or three times each year. The monastery is situated in a delightfully pleasant part of Scotland in a remote area of hills and forest.

No I have not converted to Buddhism and go simply from the perspective of interest and for some peace and quiet and just to be in a safe place where you know people are pleasant . No one bothers us or tries to promote their religion, the monastery is open to lay people and visitors who are seeking nothing more than the satisfaction of their curiosity. The temple in the familiar style of Tibetan architecture is open to anyone, you can come and go as you please, except during meditation sessions, and just look round or listen to the chanting which takes place at lunch time-  at least it has each time we have been there. It is my understanding that you may stay on retreat and you need not be Buddhist to do so. Though this is of course something that is impossible for me due to OCD and other health issues.

Kagyu Samye Ling is a monastery devoted to Tibetan Buddhism, a more ritualistic aspect of Buddhism than the more familiar Zen.  The temple is a riot of colour with incredible art work known as thangka paintings which depict scenes from Tibetan Buddhist Buddhist belief.
Thangka - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Below are pictures of the exterior and interior of the temple. Notice the elaborate decoration
 

Kagyu Samye Ling Temple

 

Temple interior

 

There is a Tibetan tea room, a gift shop selling books about Buddhism, Yoga and related subjects and a variety of paraphernalia associated with Tibetan Buddhism including thangkas, statues, meditation cushions, CDs and so on also fair trade goods. The grounds are a pleasant place for reflection and yesterday there were dozens of the cutest little rabbits everywhere. The stupa and prayer wheel house shown below dominates the gardens and is a project began in 1998 and is nearly on the way to completion. The shrine of this particular stupa is dedicated to the remembrance and honour of the dead.
Kagyu Samye Ling Monastery and Tibetan Centre stupa  
And not only people, pet owners may also inter the cremated remains of their much loved and missed deceased animals, although I was told by the lady who was there to answer questions that this was not a Tibetan custom. This is one of the things I like about Buddhism, its tolerance and flexibility.
 

Stupa

Religious scrupulosity is one of my main facets of OCD and it can be difficult sometimes to separate this from my interest in all religions.  I have a tendency as a sufferer of OCD and possibly AS to ruminate and consider to a great extent religious and philosophical issues. There is a constant preoccupation with such matters as, the meaning of life, the origins of existence and the possibilty of life after death or otherwise. However such considerations including contemplation of scientific issues never become satisfactorily resolved. Basically I do not really and wholly believe in anything, neither religion nor science. I can not believe either are infallible, although for the most part I tend to think that science may have the more rational answers but which of course can even be turned to support religious beliefs if viewed from a  certain perspective. I am at best agnostic yet still there is this compulsion, this drive if you like to find some meaning to life and I greatly envy people who have found something to believe in no matter which religion they choose, it has to be better than the continual doubt and speculation that haunts OCDers and AS people and indeed others, as of course many people consider such issues, it is not solely a facet of neurosis. However particularly concerning OCD this kind of thinking without coming to any conclusion can be excessive. I also have many religious obsessions and compulsions which you can read about in detail in my memoir particularly chapter seven and in less detail in my shorter autobiography simply called my story.

Even though today was more of a visit from the perspective of interest this need to find some peace, some meaning to existence is there nonetheless and my mind turns to such issues time and time again as I frantically search through the books looking for something which might cast light on my dilemma and provide some relief, meaning, peace and happiness. Books that specifically focus on happiness are soon sold and in fact after deciding to buy a book simply called happiness it had been sold whilst I was differing with indecision. I think most people feel a void in their lives and many come too such places trying to find some meaning to their difficult existence. Buddha taught that all creatures suffer and that suffering rises from your mind, your thoughts are the architects of your suffering. And this of course applies to some extent to everyone but we as OCD suffers know only too well don't we the suffering that our thoughts wrought upon our lives and that a lot of our terrible suffering arises simply from our thoughts. Today there is nothing that attracts my attention except a book I could not afford, and even than concerning this there is the familiar heaviness of heart and a certain realisation that no matter what I  read, or how much I ponder the deep issues of existence, or simply look for personal fulfilment or just  some plan simple happiness it will always remain elusive. There is a twinge of regret, a deepening of depression, for you see depression is my constant companion to a certain degree and its intensity may be quickly enhanced at the least little disappointment or negative thought or occurrence. I try to fight off the thoughts telling myself to beware of the trap that a trip out is only valued in relation to what you bring home in a tangible sense, rather than from a more spiritual sense, for want of a better word. Such as the break away from the difficulties of life albeit of course never entirely free from such as OCD rears its ugly head in everything, such as feeling guilty because I was too anxious to spend money on a fair trade back pack, which was cheap and which I needed but felt anxious about buying as I worry about spending money. This is a two fold fear of feeling guilty for being selfish and not buying it and helping people in poorer parts of the world yet conversely feeling guilt by spending two much money. Such opposing thoughts are indeed a dreadful torment for which there is no solution, for no matter which choice I make there is never any satisfaction or release from the torment. It is a kind of dammed if you do but dammed if you don't situation. Throughout the day any day there are many similar dilemmas. Yes money is a concern but it like other fears becomes enmeshed in complex and neurotic thinking.

Trips to the toilet with awful IBS leaves me anxious about contamination and I keep my coat on all day after having to use the toilet so many times and feelingly increasingly contaminated to the point that I was beginning to wish I had bought a change of cloths. 

Notwithstanding the inevitable problems with which I am always beset both at home and else where it was pleasant day as far as it is possible for me to have a pleasant day. The weather though was  dull overcast, very autumnal. I had hoped for at least some warmth and sunshine during August but this appears not to be the case. Yes I do rather dwell on the weather as it indeed makes a difference to depression both how it is felt and how I cope with it or not. But here even on an autumnal day it is such a pleasant change to walk through the grounds and take in the vibes as it where. If you have no interest in Buddhism, Tibet or religion there probably isn't a awful lot to see and do but it is peaceful here and the countryside is quite off the beaten track and has prehistoric interest with a tiny stone circle, prehistoric forts, although nothing much remains, and the burial sight of an ancient King. Below is a photograph sized for you to use as desktop wallpaper of nearby countryside taken last year when we made the trip and the weather was warm and sunny

August 20th

My great aunt who lived with us when I was a child used to always wash new cloths and sheets before wearing or using them. My mother considered this a quirk, an eccentricity as did my sister and I as of course new cloths and sheets are clean. In those days perhaps this was so as cloths were probably not treated with dangerous chemicals, cotton was made to look fresh by the use of starch, today however formaldehyde is used and, according to an Article in the New Zealand's Sunday Star Times, to degrees greatly in excess of the safely limits.

Go to the article.
Poison found in kids' clothes from China - Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Star-Tim

Some years ago now I would never buy clothing from abroad because of my contamination OCD fears, most particualry concerning the rabies virus which I imagined would be contracted by touching such clothing from any country which had this virus. Here the UK at the time of writing is rabies free. Yes I know that rabies which is spread by salvia from an infected animal including humans can only contracted by a bite from the infected animal and also an open wound if such wound was licked by an infected animal and the least likely, rabies may be contracted through the tear ducts. However in my OCD mindset the transmission of rabies could be contracted by the salvia of an animal if this saliva became attached to anything including, clothing, books, food... anything, everything. At one time in no circumstance would I buy or wear clothing from abroad; at best I could only cope if I washed clothing from abroad particualry from developing counties because of the fear of rabies. However as increasingly more and more clothing comes from such places as china it is virtually impossible to do anything other than cope with this and it was only in the last few years or so that I had not vigorously washed clothing from abroad but had nevertheless from time to time felt some unease. Also with a compulsion to keep buying stuffed toys I have kind of been flooded and naturally desensitised and now barley give this a thought as I pick up a cute cuddly toy in the shop and fighting the compulsion not to buy it has largely replaced this aspect of my rabies fear.

But only this aspect mind, this OCD fear is still one of my most distressing and incapacitating anxieties, that of contact with animals, particualry dogs for some strange inexplicable reason, why this is so I cannot tell you because all mammals can transmit the rabies virus.

In addtion to contamination by germs, viruses and so on there was also some anxiety about the deep dyes used on Indian clothing which I have continued to wash before wearing as these are more obvious than with clothing from china or elsewhere. Somehow concerning Chinese clothing I am able to suppress this anxiety more easily as this clothing is less distinguishable and could be made anywhere. The copious dye which came out of the Indian clothing each time it was washed causes some anxiety due to the  consideration that it might be toxic and mostly I avoid this type of clothing and today continue to do so because of the stress induced every time I washed them and out came the dye, which no matter how often you wash these cloths, continues to colour the water.

Recently however I have noticed that two nightdresses which I have bought that there was a strong chemical smell, so powerful that I simply could not wear either of these garments until they where washed at least a dozen times and one still has a faint odour. Furthermore one of these garments actually tainted the rest of the washing which had a slight hint of this smell despite having been dried out of doors on a fresh windy day.

Since learning of this problem with the chemical treatment of clothing and earlier last week the problem with lead paint and toys I, characteristic of the typical neurotic, begin to wander about other things and yesterday picking up a ceramic ornament made in China the thought came concerning the possibilty of it being processed with toxic chemicals.  Mind you are such thoughts really that neurotic, particularly now in view of the latest developments. When I first mentioned my nightdress my husband and son's reactions implied that I was being neurotic. People seem to assume until it is proven otherwise that such things as health and safely are closely monitored, and indeed in many instances yes they are. But it is naive to think that this happens as standard practice and that such safeguards are infallible and are not subject to human error or human exploitation for a quick profit using cheaper hazardous manufacturing processes with blatant disregard for the welfare of, not only the consumers but also of people in the workforce which produces these products. And lets not forget these workers who work for many more hours than we work here, for indeed their position is of even more concern as their exposure to such toxins during production is far more intensive.

People like myself with OCD have an exaggerated fear of inadvertently causing harm. In many cases in ways that most would not consider as harmful. For example most of my OCD contamination fears are motivated by my fear that having once become contaminated I will than contaminate others not only people but animals, also to include insects.  The checking of everything I write is the result of fear that what I write will cause someone to do or say or even think something which will result in harm in ways to impossible to describe here, (but at some point I intend to write about this issue in more detail as it is one that is rapidly becoming very pervasive and incapacitating and is not as simple as one might think.) In fact to a non suffer, or even an OCD sufferer who does not have this manifestation of OCD, you might well think of the fear of causing harm through the medium of writing as having to be something significant, but this is not always so and in fact generally speaking most people who read what I write would be completely unaware of this problem and see nothing remotely harmful in anything I write. But this checking and fear of accusing harm as with any aspect of OCD is more complicated than you would ever imagine if you are fortunate not to be plagued by these anxieties.

As a sufferer of OCD , to deliberately cause harm in the ways cited above concerning the use of such toxins is utterly beyond my comprehension to understand.

August 26th

Sunday afternoon, the usual drone of an inconsiderate neighbour's lawn mower as I sit in our garden drives me inside to finally update this blog after a very long break. In fact the backdated entries are long overdue and the events mentioned seem now distant as though they did not occur relatively recently. Was it really only two weeks ago that we were in Lancashire, it seems as though it was months ago. There are less entries than usual. I have become in recent weeks increasingly more depressed and, I believe perhaps as a consequence, I finding it even more difficult to express myself in writing in quite the way I once did. Writing is becoming nearly as difficult as spoken communication. I intend to persevere but just lately my depression has hindered any and every endeavour and made life more difficult. Everything seems to disturb or upset me and I am finding it more difficult to get out of bed in the mornings to work on my computer.  This increase in depression could be the result of a migraine prophylactic. Prophylactic medication for migraine is intended to reduce the frequency of attacks. It is not clear if this has done this, there are a few less attacks than there were before taking this medication but as the doctor says this may have occurred anyway as migraine tends to fluctuate with sudden periods of increased frequency. So right now I am lowering the dose to ascertain if it is in fact helping to reduce my migraine and to see if it is this medication which is increasing my depression. The side effects listed in the patient information include depression and the drug reduces serotonin levels.  Rather a dilemma don't you think, increased serotonin causes migraine but reduced serotonin causes depression and I imagine OCD, as of course serotonin is one of the possible brain chemicals, neurotransmitters, believed to be involved with OCD. So I guess I will have to see what happens.

August 27th.

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear.
H.P. Lovecraft
 

Today on breakfast TV was a segment about unusual phobias such as the fears of buttons, which I believe is a more complex condition than a specific phobia about more common fears such as arachnophobia fear of spiders and Ophidiophobia a fear of snakes. However this is not the point of my comments here today. What shocked me the most was the way this segment was introduced with a picture of a huge tarantula straight on the screen with no warning. There are invariably warnings concerning strobe lightening and flash  photography because of the effects on people with epilepsy and of course rightly so. However it doesn't appear to matter if someone with a severe phobia of a spider is thrown into a panic by this unexpected presentation which appeared long before any commentary of any kind. And even if there had been some introductory comments it would not occur to anyone that he or she would suddenly be confronted with an image of a spider as you can't imagined that there could be such insensitivity. After all when phobic societies explain phobias on the net or in leaflets and so on they do not do so by displaying images of the focus of one of the most common of phobias.

Yes I know that there could of course in theory be a long, no infinite list and such would be an absurdity, however with common place phobias I think that people should be forewarned that they are about to see a huge photograph of a spider, a snake or rodent, to name just three of the more common phobias . After all what was the point, are we incapable now of simply listening to commentary without the necessity of visual imagines plastered everywhere

Moreover during the entire interview with someone not sure if she was a suffer or specialist as I was too occupied by my tirade of angry comments aimed at people on TV, there where two prominently displayed photographs of a spider and a snake.

I thought this was grossly insensitive particualry considering the subject of this segment. I do not believe that people in general have empathy for fears or emotions that they themselves have no experience, however this I think was shocking insensitivity and this is in fact a fine example of the  lack of understanding there is in general by society for people who suffer with these and other phobias.

Fear of spider and snakes are not to be lightly dismissed. My mother feared snakes looking at a picture of one induced fear. The apprehension concerning the possibility of such an encounter into eh countryside was significant despite the fact that snakes are seen relatively rarely in the UK. Spiders are of course something a number of people feel uncomfortable about and ahve a aversion of. However full blown Arachaphobia can be a very disabling  condtion as of course a spider may present itself virtually anywhere. I recall in the 1960s an article which both shocked and saddened me about a man who lived alone who one day left his home and shot himself. He lived in a thatched cottage, the kind of chocolate box cottage, the idyll we all envision of country life. Yet his home was anything but idyllic infested with spiders, as thatched roofs tend to be he could cope no longer and took his own life. Fear,  phobic fear can become that intense for some that in the intense throes of such fear death may appeared to be the only way out.  Fear can overshadow our lives so much so that more rational courses of action, such as in this case moving, are not considered and in any case unless one is of a certain financial position moving may be impossible or even delayed and the person than feels trapped by what he may perceive as inexorable circumstances that he can cope no longer.

To suddenly be confronted with the source of your fears in such an unexpected way can effect the rest of your day or even weeks or months ahead. As I have said I appreciate that not everyone's fears can be accommodated but surely it is not asking too much that some consideration for the sensitivities of people with these more obvious phobias should be taken into consideration.

All comments are welcome including polite constructive criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses included on this web site.

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