The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

August 2005

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That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another....
Charles_M._Schulz - Charlie Brown

After suffering dreadful toothache over the weekend today finds me shaking like a jelly at the dentists. Sadly I have a phobia about the dentist. No it is not that I am just scared, isn't everyone nervous of the dentist, we all anticipate pain and so most people have some anxiety. However for many people this can become far more than just a simple and indeed natural anxiety which most people overcome in order to maintain the health of their teeth. Dentist phobia is a recognised phobic condition and one which I have had since childhood and which you will read about in my memoir. I have not been to the dentist now for over five years and at that time I was only driven to do so by pain. Yes I deeply regret not going more often and my teeth have suffered as a consequence, and when you are in pain and you have to go you berate yourself that you did not go sooner, as is so often the case when the task of removing a neglected tooth is always much more difficult than it would have been otherwise.

Today I bitterly lament my lack of courage but perhaps I may be forgiven overwhelmed as I am with so many obsessions and other maladies to have the energy to contend with my dentist phobia. Dentist phobia cannot be an innate phobia like for instance arachnophobia - fear of spiders - no it is brought about I would imagine from an unpleasant and often misunderstood experience when we were younger whilst visiting the dentist or it maybe a learnt fear. The later may be the case for me. My mother had extreme dentist phobia, after a dentist with whom she felt confident died, she never again visited a dentist and spent hours in unremitting agony of toothache. I recall her swollen face and her anxiety which was so severe it prevented her from taking my sister and I to the dentist. If and when the need arose we would be accompanied by my great aunt. I do not know how she coped with all the pain over so many years however the pain of her fear was greater. Dentist phobia is neither a mild nor an inconsequential problem, it like any other phobia has the power to consume your life and destroy its quality. It was not only the appalling pain but the effect that having bad teeth had upon her self confidence. My mother once told my sister how this had affected her confidence over the years and how she had felt embarrassed and awkward talking to other people when her problem become noticeable. This may have been one of the reasons why she was always so hostile, confrontational and aggressive. No dentist phobia can be a very serious affliction indeed and should like any other phobia not be taken lightly.

Often phobias can become very complicated indeed and may cross over into a more obsessive compulsive manifestation. For example concerning my dentist phobia, which although at the time of writing is not as severe as my mother’s is nonetheless a nightmare of misery and anxiety. Unfortunately my most  recent experience has increased such anxiety and may in fact take this phobia on to another level, an obsessive compulsive level. For instance I am now more anxious of neglecting my teeth after having to undergo quite a stressful procedure to remove a tooth; this would have been a lot less traumatic if I had noticed earlier the extent of the problem and sought treatment. Once, like my mother, my fear would still have prevented me from doing so until the pain became unbearable.  However now at this time in my life another fear, the fear of my migraine and having to bear the additional pain of toothache helps to subdue the dentist phobia or at least overcome it for of course the fear remains as I am in a very real sense forced to overcome my fear - at least for now . But who knows after recent events my anxiety has increased and my confidence to go for further treatment has diminished somewhat and I am in quite a state of anxiety. Furthermore I fear having an abscess should it burst and poison my system and bring about my demise. It is the case of one fear mitigating another; the stronger fear overwriting the lesser one. The fact that this time the tooth was difficult to remove has scared me into now keeping a more vigilant eye on my teeth. All in all considering the above my dentist phobia may well become more of what was once termed a phobic obsession.

Since Monday I have developed already a more obsessive compulsive attitude to the health of my teeth. Right now I am checking my teeth over and over ruminating on the possibility that the same will occur with another tooth. I have to have another filling as the dentist tells me if I do not the same problems will arise, I am now anxious about my teeth and brush them after eating anything and when I say brush I mean really brush so much that my gums are sore.

Indeed there is an overlap between all anxiety disorders and such an overlap occurs with many phobias and obsessive compulsive behaviours. Phobias are a nightmare in themselves but many phobias can turn into obsessions and perhaps this is one of the reasons some mental health processionals still prefer to label every neurotic illness as an anxiety disorder rather than to assign a specific diagnosis because of this overlap.

The most obvious one which springs to mind is Arachnophobia. My son and also my brother-in-law are terrified of spiders, this is a genuine phobia not merely the mild revulsion so often experienced by many people when confronted with a spider. Just seeing one and they are clearly and unmistakeable traumatised. Both experience the classic symptoms of a phobic reaction, a racing heart , the cold sweat of fear and the feeling of becoming either petrified and immobile or wanting to move themselves from the immediate situation. However for the most part this is where it stops, the phobic panic of each of these people is gone once the source of fear is removed. Neither think much about the incident thereafter, they do not go checking for spiders such as scouring the walls and corners or checking the bed before getting into it or looking in their shoes before putting them on. When this sort of behaviour takes place the phobia takes on a more obsessive compulsive quality.

I had quite a problem with spiders as a child and feared that one would be in my bedroom at night. I was fearful should one crawl across the ceiling and fall onto my face. Each night I would check the room, each wall from top to bottom and checking all corners and other nooks and crannies. I would not get into bed until I was satisfied that no spiders lurked in hidden places. I recall that for some reason or another there was a period of time when there seemed to be spiders everywhere and each night I had to contend with this anxiety. I slept with the light on, I always did as of course I was terrified of the dark, so during the night I would periodically cast my eyes over the wall to make sure no spiders lurked. Perhaps it was one of those years when more spiders were born than usual as happens from time to time with creatures of all species or perhaps it was an indication of the amount of fear that I experienced but I do recall quite vividly this veritable plague of spiders. Yes indeed such phobias can quickly become obsessions and perhaps this is the case more particularly if you already suffer with OCD.

Dental Phobia and Dental Anxiety Info at Dental Fear Central

National Phobics Society.

August 2nd

On the top of my dressing table is an old pattern for a soft toy, a Gremlin. As any one who has read my memoir knows I was quite obsessed by the film The Gremlins which I watched over and over so many times I have now lost count. Just seeing this pattern brings back so many memories, most of them unhappy as my obsession with this film also served as a distraction during one of the most awful times of my tormented life during which I suffered dreadfully with my OCD. It brings back memories of the awful loneliness of fear filled days, living in dread and despair tormented by my thoughts and driven by terrifying compulsions . It is as though I stand now once again in our cold, dark and damp house in Sussex where I spent each and everyday completely alone once my husband and son had gone to work and school respectively looking at the clock anxious for their return to divert my mind from the onslaught of fearful ruminations of death, intrusive blasphemous thoughts, fears of contamination accompanied by fearful anxieties that I may inadvertently harm others by either a misplaced thought or deed; my time consumed by washing, my hands, my home, my cloths driven by my fears of causing harm. I was trapped in this gloomy house so full of the memories of the previous day’s torments unable to venture out and about alone frightened of becoming contaminated and consequently contaminating others, fearful of seeing glass in the road and than feeling compelled to pick it up should someone die - well it’s a long list and I could go on and it is all in my memoir and shorter version My Story. But just looking at that pattern brings it all back and a clutch of anxiety tightens my stomach as I relive those moments.

Why don’t I throw it away? My sister made me several Gremlins from this pattern and I made a couple also and I still have them today of course. What else do you expect from an hoarder and clutterer, albeit a mild one - at least in comparison to some of the extreme cases highlighted in the media including the internet. The pattern brings back memories best forgotten but I cannot throw it away, just thinking about it brings another kind of anxiety less easy to define. So I guess I will put the pattern away again back inside the draw where it belongs along with all the other stuff that is accumulating steadily knowing that I will now not need it for I will never use it again to make any more Gremlins as my interests or rather obsessions have moved on. ( I must point out that the word obsessions refers here to a fixation and is different from my OCD obsessions. In this context the word obsession is used in an entirely different way and is rather a fixation than an OCD type of obsession, such fixations or intense preoccupations do not induce suffering and they are welcomed rather than rejected as are the obsessions involved in OCD) Hoarding is not as yet a major problem but it is fast becoming one. We hope to sell some of our stuff at a car boot sale - well okay in theory, and I will believe it when or if it happens; If we arrive at the venue with more than a shoebox full of our clutter it will be progress indeed.

August 7th
Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Yes another long time has elapsed between publications due to my declining ability to function much at all and the aforementioned dental problems are adding to my distress. I am not at all satisfied with anything I have written and there are so many fearful doubts all vying for space with which to inflict the torment of doubt and indecision. I have just read some of my previous entries and they seemed muddled and rambling. Yes my writing usually is but just lately it seems not to make any sense and seems all over the place uncoordinated and to put it simply: muddled. However I'm having difficulty coping with reading much of anything now as my ability to comprehend for whatever reason has declined considerably of late and as bizarre as this may seem this could also apply to much I have written myself. Often when I re-read what I have written it seems somehow incomprehensible and I can’t image why I had not noticed it before, may be this is a symptom of my increasing stress or simply due to the fact that our mind changes its perspective as times goes on. What seems a good idea one day seems less so the next. What made sense an hour ago seems muddled and confused a few hours later on and so on. Rather like when you buy a new outfit and you feel confident that it looks good and than a few weeks later or even as soon as you arrive home you wonder what induced you to buy it! I do not know why our minds behave the way that they do as such occurs from time to time with most people, most of us can relate to the last example . However I consider that this more tormented state of affairs concerning my reading and writing is mostly stress induced. Difficulties of organisation seem to occur now in general also such as yesterday I could barely get it together to organise a meal of chips and macaroni - yes an odd combination I know but that is about all I can manage right now and really I found that difficult yesterday.

Maybe it is time to take a rest from writing, however I worry that if I do so I will never write much of anything again . This has happened so much during my life and as interfered with all my endeavours from simple things such as baking, going for a walk, taking the bus, telephoning another person .. well the list is endless and over the years the periphery of my existence has diminished. I do not wish to give up writing and I certainly do not intend to give up reading as is often the case for many anxiety sufferers - I have been told by many who sufferer with an anxiety disorder that often they can only read short pieces of writing, perhaps a short article in a newspaper for instance, because of their stress they cannot take in or concentrate upon what they are reading.

Even if I do not comprehend what I have read or fail to concentrate I continue to read anyway and usually glean something from having done so. Maybe I have missed important points and fail to retain or fully appreciate what I have read I tend to carry on if at all possible even though the outcome is less than ideal. And the same goes for writing, it may be muddled, full of mistakes and rambling but that is how I am right now and regardless of these shortcomings I will try to carry on anyway. I do not think that abandoning this pursuit for a while because the OCD demon seems determined to spoil this endeavour will make any difference and as as soon as I begin again it will start where it left off. Somehow I have to accept that what I write will be less than perfect. Whatever you do in your life OCD will destroy it if you allow it too, it is a tough and arduous fight and sadly for me mostly throughout my life the OCD has won but I hope to try this time with my writing and not allow it to take from me this endeavour has it has taken from me most of anything that has meant something to me throughout my life. Yes I feel embarrassed as of course my writing can be seen by anyone, even people who have no understanding of OCD and the other problems which make if difficult indeed to write or do much of anything. So if my writings seems confused it is merely indicative of my OCD and other disorders and that is why I write anyway, in order to tell it the way it is and unfortunately long rambling and repetitive writing is the way it is for me right now along with of course all the other horrid OCD symptoms.

August 8th

I have just finished Watching the House of Obsessive Compulsives. An excellent portrayal of the misery and suffering caused by OCD. I thought the participants were brave to reveal so much of themselves and also to be exposed to such extreme desensitisation, for example Sophie having to put her hand in the toilet. All were very courageous to have overcome so many fears. I would image there were far more fears involved than were portrayed in this programme but such would of course have been impossible to include due to obvious limitations of time and so on, much the same as it is for me to completely relate to you in this blog and elsewhere on my website what life is like each and every minute of the day. Although some basic details and background was discussed, I would image that the participants' OCD was more complex than it appeared. It may have seemed to those not familiar with OCD as though the participants obsessive compulsive thoughts and behaviours appeared in isolation and perhaps non sufferers may not have grasped the fact that the sufferer’s life is completely taken over by their OCD. This however cannot really be avoided and all in all the programme did quite an excellent job of conveying to the general public an insight into the misery of OCD. The documentary not only allowed viewers some inkling concerning the nature of OCD but more particularly the state of anxiety that the condition produces as such emotions were displayed quite openly without inhibition, and if nothing else non sufferers will at least have some idea just how awful this illness is even if they do not understand quite what was going on or why. Of course I viewed the programme from the perspective of a sufferer of OCD but I did wonder if non sufferers fully understood the awful torment of the thoughts that are behind the compulsions and the fact that these thoughts are with you each and everyday throughout each waking hour and yes even in your dreams. Most certainly when the illnesses is advanced and severe there is virtually no thought or action that is not influenced by OCD.

I wish the participants well in their continuing endeavours and hope that all three maintain their progress. I hope that there is follow up support and none of the participants will be totally abandoned to cope alone. I do not think that anyone with OCD or any other mental health problem should be left with out continuous follow up support after making a recovery, as lack of support, at least from my own experience, is one of the reasons the illness can return during times of stress in the sufferer's life.

On a personal level when I first started to watch this documentary my first thoughts were that the participants OCD is far worse than mine at the present time. However as the programme progressed I knew that perhaps this was not the case. I may not have quite the severe reaction to specific OCD manifestations but my OCD is so pervasive and overwhelming and presents in so many areas of my life I simply would not have been unable to cope with participating in such a programme. Moreover it made me realise just how much my co morbid illnesses effect my OCD, not only it’s presentation but also my ability to cope and make progress towards recovery.

For example my social anxiety which I have considered in the past to be social phobia and which more recently I have considered possibly to be Asperger syndrome would have made the social interaction a nightmare before even beginning to get down to coping with my OCD. At one time I had considered that my social ineptitude was part of my OCD, a symptom of this very pervasive complex disorder. However recently after meeting other OCD sufferers I have begun to realise that this is not part of the illness and this programme has bought this fact home to me in no uncertain terms as none of the participants seems to be inhibited by any perceivable social anxiety. They were able to expresses clearly the nature of their respective problems although I imagine this was a stressful ordeal. This has been in some ways liberating, at least if I do indeed have aspersers it has helped me finally to answer a lot of questions as to why I feel like I do not fit in anywhere and feel rather like a stranger in a strange land, to borrow the phrase from the title of the Robert Heinlein SF novel. Notwithstanding this it has indeed been quite a shock and has in some ways increased the intensity of my loneliness and feelings that I now have no real niche anywhere and even with fellow OCDers I may perhaps feel alienated by my social anxieties and ineptitude. I do not of course have an official diagnosis for Asperger syndrome and indeed some of the diagnostic criteria does not fit as explained in previous entries and I have my doubts of anyone taking me seriously or at least seriously considering that it matters one way or the other at my age. But I nonetheless feel that it may be possible that I have Aspersers syndrome co morbid with my OCD or at least traits which I can accompany OCD.  If my assumptions are correct it is most likely one of the reasons that I have not been able to receive much in the way of therapy for almost twenty years other than the offer of medication which is not an option for me. I believe that receiving adequate treatment may have been hindered by my inability to express myself or my emotions in order for a mental health professional to fully understand the severe nature of my OCD and the complex web of obsessive compulsive behaviours which has interwoven itself throughout every facet of my life. This is particularly so concerning the covert ruminative manifestations which of course depend upon good verbal communication in order to fully explain the nature of my torment.

All social anxiety problems be it social phobia , aspersers syndrome and indeed avoidant personality disorder, another social anxiety disorder which perhaps I need to consider regarding my social hang ups can manifest co morbidly or as a dual diagnosis with OCD. And all will effect your OCD as indeed will any other co-morbid condition.

My OCD is also effected by chronic daily headache CDH, migraine, ADD, depression and the assortment of aches and pains and unexplained illnesses which have no pathology and which have been vaguely diagnosed as stress but which I consider are fybromyaliga . All of these maladies need to be considered when receiving treatment for my OCD and would have made it virtually impossible for me to have participated in such a programme for TV or to participate even without the presence of TV cameras. Furthermore all of these illnesses have become enmeshed in my obsessive compulsive behaviours, in particular my migraine and social anxiety adding a difficult complexity which inhibits treatment or, concerning the later, any real possibility for me to adequately explain how interwoven it has all become after so many years.

Furthermore there are areas of my OCD from which I will never free myself as these fears are so entranced and after so many years are now so powerful that I simply do not have the necessary courage to contend with them. For OCD reasons explained in my memoir and short story I would never have coped having to leave my home some three hundred miles distant unless my husband was right near by . There are just so many reasons why for me such is impossible and they are difficult for me to explain concisely unless I ramble on here even more than I am at present . I will leave for you to read my experiences for yourself in the rest of my blog and my website.

I was approached at one time by a repetitive of Monkey productions because of this website and asked if I would like to participate or at least asked if I would consider such participation after a chat to ascertain my suitability. They wanted four people who suffered with severe OCD. I wonder why in the final programme there are only three maybe the forth person simply could not cope, if so should we not have seen this, but maybe he or she declined or perhaps a forth person could not be found.

It takes a lot of courage to appear on TV, it was courage I did not have. I knew I would never have coped for all the above reasons and also I simply did not feel that exposing myself and the nature of my illness in such a public way would help my already difficult situation here in the Northeast where for the most part I feel alienated enough as it is. After being here for over three years still I do not have many real friends with whom I feel able to share the reality of my situation and I was afraid that knowledge of my OCD would colour the very limited and tenuous associations I do have. However there are times I regret not having at least considered the possibility although I think I would have been rejected due to the complex nature of my illness which would not be easy to portray. However I image as I have already said that the other participants OCD was more complicated than we were shown and for reasons of charity we only saw certain aspects of their respective symptoms. We always regret missed opportunities don't we but I would not have coped so all in all I made the correct decision for myself.

I think that professor Paul Salkovskis' idea of such treatment being available on the NHS is brilliant and I hope that such an idea is accepted although I would not hold my breath as unfortunately mental health resources for the NHS are very limited and mental health professionals are  in short supply. I read somewhere that about 90% of sufferers of anxiety disorders do not receive any treatment for their illnesses.

Again my best wishes for an OCD free future to all three participants and congratulations to Monkey productions for a well thought out presentation of a very difficult disorder. I am sure that this programme has helped to promote public awareness in a very positive way.

August 9th

I am really not coping well at all lately whether this is due to stress and my OCD or something else but my ability to do much of anything has taken a turn for the worse. Lately this blog is becoming one long serious of my entries consisting of little else than my complaining, rather like the “oh aint it awful sessions” we have occasionally with people with whom we are comfortable confiding. Yes at times it can be liberating but after a while it can become habitual and you can keep on lamenting your situation until the cows come home and all you get at the end is an increase in frustrations as nothing changes. And for anyone who is reading my comments all I will have achieved is boredom. I guess that each day is pretty much the same concerning my OCD at least regarding the level of misery and the limitations it imposes upon my life. Just when I think one ordeal is over another commences and because of my fragile mental state unfortunately smaller and smaller occurrences take on increasingly larger significance until eventually even very mild, and to most people perhaps inconsequential difficulties, become mammoth problems as one’s perspective alters due to the increase in stress.

Moreover when something comes along in life which is stressful and worrying, such as for me this week another visit to the dentist it raises your stress to another level and when the ordeal, whether real, imagined or exaggerated is over your stress level has been raised overall and your heightened tension does not revert to its previous level - at least this is my experience. The result of this is that one gets sicker and sicker and the stress begins to effect your health such as for me with chronic headaches and so on - you know the list if you have read my blog. Than the resulting physical manifestations of your OCD get interwoven within the complex symptomology of your own particularly type of OCD. No two of us are the same; the obsessions and compulsions and unique manifestations are determined by your life style, your interests and even your health! Yes most certainly other illness even those which may be the result of all the years of fear and anxiety become part and parcel of your obsessive compulsive behaviours and become fuel for the OCD tormenter to torture you with.

Take for instance the dentist. Wednesday again I had to brave it and go to the dentist for a filling. What an ordeal! I had ruminated about this all week imagining what would happen, often becoming depressed at merely the thought and fearful I would not be able to summon the courage to do so. I had had rather a difficult time the last time. Because of my fear and also my neglect of my teeth by not keeping an eye on them one of my teeth had become quite rotten and it broke off during its extraction and it took a bit of manipulating to remove it. I had at first been very pound of the way I had coped with this although I had moaned and groaned throughout the procedure. Moreover I actually felt that although it had been an ordeal I did not have quite as phobic a reaction as was normally the case afterwards and felt quite laid back about the prospect of further treatment, a filling. However as the days progressed to my next appointment I seemed to lose my confidence recalling how traumatic it had been and moreover I became anxious that next time I would get a migraine and not be able to attend the appointment. So here I was with a mixture of feelings of fear that I could not go because of my phobia and a more OCD type ruminative fear which presented itself as it has done so now since the occurrence of chronic daily headache: the fear that I might not be able to keep an appointment if a headache or migraine turns up. And this of course would be an enormous problem if one is about to undergo dental treatment. So here I am with two co morbid illness - dentist phobia and headaches/migraine - with my OCD adding to a complex mix of misery as the OCD becomes interwoven with the co morbid illness from which it can be difficult to eradicate oneself . All coalesce into a seething misery of obsessive compulsive behaviours and thinking; a mish mash of contamination fears, headaches, anxieties, hypochondria - panic that the extraction had resulted in my gums becoming infected - and last but most certainly not least dental phobia.

The morning of the appointment I am pacing up and down after feeling a twinge of head pain trying to decide if I should take my medication should it progress and become a migraine. This goes on until it is time to go and my mind is tortured by my indecision. Just writing it here is does not sound like a big deal but the torment of not knowing what to do for the best is a torture not easy for me to describe. Fortunately the headache went away, it was in fact not a headache the sensations were barely perceptible nonetheless it provoked an extreme amount of fear which added its toll to an already stressful situation. My dentist is pleasant and tolerant but he does not really understand what it is like for people such as myself and today I made more of a fuss than the first time and felt rather silly and this set off a ruminative scenario where I go over the event: what happened, what I said and what I imagine he thought of my behaviour. Again no big deal but add it all to your other misery and it can become significant and haunt you. What may seem nothing to one person can take on huge proportion to another and one can worrying ones self to death over virtually nothing and often in hindsight we may eventually see it that way but at the time of the event ones feelings may be altogether quite different.


August 10th

He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.
Montaigne

A similar torment concerning my headaches occurred today just before an important commitment. I had definitely a headache and suspected it either to be a migraine or that it would develop into a migraine and that it would do so just before I was due to go and I would somehow have to cope. An ordeal of frightening proportion, at least to me.  Yet I did not know one way or another. I cannot keep taking medication willy nilly for reasons mentioned in earlier entries so I need to be reasonably sure. This torment went on for over two hours I was at my wits end asking my husband and son over and over what shall I do, take the mediation and hope  for the best or chance it and hope it is not nor will be a migraine. I just couldn't decide what to do as the headace was just awful anyway even if it was not a migrasine, if that is the case than it occurred to me that perhaps I should not go out at all. I picked up the phone dialled the number to cancel the arrangement and put the phone down again my mind a maelstrom of indecision it was sheer torture. Sometimes I am incapable of making a decision so many thoughts adding to the mix: such as changing plans might have dire consequences as it once did many years ago when I decided not to visit my mother and postponed it for the following weekend. I never saw my mother again for she was killed in a car accident which would not have happened had we gone to visit her as we had previously arranged. I had had this fear of changing plans and the possibility of dire consequences  prior to this event but had ignored such thoughts. So now this haunts me and comes to mind during such times when this dilemma presents itself as it does with much frequency due to my headaches.

 I lost my temper ranting and raving throwing my pencils, glasses, phone book across the room. Even throwing a cushion at my husband who seemed bewildered and not wanting to make a decision either. Boy did I have a tantrum, not very helpful when you have a headache I know. But sometimes you just lose it, you just lose  your self control, your inhibitions and your consideration for others and so on as your frustrations bubble up like Vesuvius erupting into a climax of pent up emotions which have simmered perhaps for weeks.  The frustrations of my life seem all of a sudden to be overwhelming, it's bad enough having OCD but than add the complication bought on by all my other maladies and it all becomes more than I can bear. Sometimes as I see my life ebbing away in tormented frustration with my periphery of existence diminishing further and further.

No one really understands not even my husband and son, no one but another sufferer can really know the misery of not only OCD but also the headaches which have arrived for various lengths of time and in varying digress each and every day for the last fourteen years. And yes I lost the plot as the saying goes. Society seems to think that one should not lose ones temper that it is somehow counter productive. Why I don't know what is so wrong with losing your temper as long as you do not harm others other than by your shouting or throwing things around - yes I know that perhaps that is causing harm but I am no saint despite my fear of harming others, which has become obsessive and is the motivating factor behind most of my OCD behaviours. I nonetheless of course inadvertently do and perhaps shouting yelling and throwing things could be seen as harmful.. And yes most certainly I should not have thrown the cushion at my husband but other than that... hey I have a right to lose my temper from time to time, life is frustratingly miserable most of the time. Most disabled people, whether physically or mentally do as there are times we cannot cope with what we perceive as the injustice of it all. Never mind all the psycho babble or new age platitudes and advice against the onset of anger. Most people who dish out such advice have most likely never had much to loose their tempers about anyway. Often after a loss of temper one feels better and often one gains a clearer perspective. However rather like talking it through or the " oh aint it awful sessions" mentioned earlier if indulged in too regularly of course it does than become a detriment rather than a release value for pent up emotion, its like everything in life, moderation is the key.

August 11th

I have the compulsion to cover my ears and scream as I did so long ago as a child and which now as an adult I know is inappropriate, at least in this setting and in this situation. Although during times when noise is sudden and acute and extremely loud, such as a fire alarm, a overhead passing aircraft, I will do just that. I can’t help it, it is rather like a spontaneous reaction to protect my hearing and the assault upon my senses.

The noise is just awful overwhelming. I sit in the coffee shop with my OCD friend whom I have not seen for ages, she is talking but I can barely hear or concentrate, noise which appears to be effecting no one else is drowning out our conversation. I cannot focus my attention diverted as it is to all the overwhelming racket. Yes I can just about hear what she is saying but my mind turns to the noise. The screech of the coffee machine is almost startling and I feel jumpy each time it is turned on, the babble of conversation is a constant background rumble, the clatter of cutlery jars my nerves and suddenly there to add to the cacophony of noise of course is the drone of background music. Yes for once it is in the background, nonetheless it adds to the overload of sensory stimulation. I have a headache which despite what ever it is that makes me hypersensitive to noise whether it be phonophobia, accentuated hearing due to stress, Asperger syndrome or heightened sensitivity or whatever, a serious headache will heighten my sensitivities still further. This is usually the quietest place in the city! I am beginning to cope less and less with noise, any noise at any volume when added to other noises and the general hustle and bustle of cities, towns, even villages or any group of more the a very few seems now to overload my senses and brings about feeling of great unease boarding on panic.

Noise is really becoming a big issue for me and I am at loss to know quite what I can do about it. However the noise we are all subjected to is really out of control now. Although most people seem to accept the increase in noise levels such is not good for either our hearing nor our mental health - the later of course is my opinion. There seems little done by anyone to limit the increasing volume of noise with which each of us have to contend each and everyday and even during the night. Unless you live entirely alone and away from any residential area, even tiny villages you will be subjected to noise some of which is appalling loud and invasive. Remember the rattle of a push lawnmower and recall how it was far less irritating than is the loud drone of the modern grass cutter. Modern domestic machinery has gone to extremes levels of noise which far surpass even irritating. A neighbour of ours has a lawn mower, the volume of this incessant drone is so loud and pervasive that you can hear it through the entire section of our village and inside the house with the windows closed, double glazed windows and over foot thick stone walls!  A far cry from the rattle of the older push type lawn mowers. My heart stinks whenever this machine is turned on, I have to endure this for over an hour as our neighbour obsessively and meticulously cuts the grass of a very tiny lawn.  And moreover despite being retired she waits until Sunday to do so when other noses are less apparent allowing this insidious tortuous noise to have full rein.

There appears to be no consideration anymore for others. Yes the council will intervene if noise is extremely loud but it has to be significant and of long duration and even if they do intervene on your behalf it can takes months for them to respond. My sister and her husband had to leave their home and move away to a less favourable situation because of an inconsiderate neighbour who played his drums during the early hours of the night despite the fact that he lived in an apartment block! Yes the department of the environment, the department of the local council responsible for noise control, were called in and an assessment was made and the noise was found to be in access of acceptable levels - levels which are in my opinion set far too high in favour of the continuation of extremely intrusive noise levels in properties that where not built to specifications suitable to accommodate such levels of noise without casing serious detriment to residents through thin walls with no sound proofing. However it took so long for any action to be taken to rectify the problem that my they had no choice other than to move.

I do not have that sort of problem with our neighbours and despite the lawn mower most of the them are okay. Yes people have to cut the grass and they cannot help it if manufacturer's couldn't give a dam about the levels of noise their products make. But something needs to be done surely others must notice the rise in volume in all areas of our lives. An obvious one is our local cinema, in the last few months they have increased the volume considerably sometimes it is unbearable and I wonder how much longer I will be able to go. Has anyone noticed just how intrusive the accompanying music in TV programs are now . Not just the obvious adventure, SF, police series and so on but documentaries, sometimes you can barely hear the dialogue and if you turn down the volume, in order to not only cope yourself with the racket but from consideration of your neighbour, you find that not only  can you not  hear the dialogue but the music is still too loud. No wonder there is friction amongst neighbours, if you want to watch TV it is increasingly impossible to do so without being subjected to increasingly huge volumes of incidental sound.

In case you are thinking I have got brave and I am sitting here in a coffee shop in the middle of the city having gone in to meet a friend I hate to disappoint you. My husband always comes with me and usually goes for a bit of time out alone to wander about the city. But sadly today I am in such a state of anxiety having not done this for so long I have lost my nerve to be left without him close by and he is only across the road in the library not too far away. Moreover I do have a severe headache and need him close by should it become a migraine and I need to return home quickly. I do live a very restricted life but it is the only one I am able to live right now and I do my best to live it as fully as possible and if this is the only way I can see a friend than so be it, besides I think my husband is quite happy to have a break from all my complaining panicking and so forth although he rarely complains.

My headache became a migraine and unfortunately I had to return home quickly.

August 12th

Pain of mind is worse than pain of body.
Publius Syrus

Well I sit here with some considerable feeling of despair yet again have a significant headache which may eventually become a migraine and yes you guessed  it I am once again under a lot of pressure to be somewhere at a prescribed time. I tired scenario I know. And it must be as tedious for you to read about here yet again as it  is for me to relate this to you. And perhaps I should not do so but this problem is significant right now and the idea of this blog is to help you understand what my life is like with OCD. Yes I grow weary so incredibly weary of not only the headaches which seem to have a life of their own and turn up at times which will inflict the most torment, not only the torment of  the misery of pain but also the torture of indecision as once again the familiar dilemma presents itself. Just lately my headaches are becoming worse and I wish so much to be free from this agony of mind because of the indecision borne as always from heightened feelings of responsibility, mostly to others who probably would not give a dam about me.

Today my husband and I have to visit a couple of ladies with whom we became acquainted during our time at the Tai chi club. It was my husband's idea and he made the arrangement after a remark of mine that I was sad to lose contact with these people with whom I get along quite well despite my social hang ups. It was just a remark the type you make when you forget you are not normal and that you cannot just do what you want when you want as problems with health in one way or another invariably get in the way. I perhaps had not intended for such an idea to become a reality due to all the pressure such an arrangements put upon me. Yes I would like to meet these people but it is such pressure due to my OCD and other problems, headaches being one of them. The pain is quite bad now but I do not know if it is a migraine and have to wait as long as possible before making a decision. I try to avoid delaying my shower at least for a reasonable time as of course I cannot delay for hours on end.

The problem is if I shower and than the headache becomes a migraine I  have to shower again after the attack has subsided after taking my medication which is administered  as a suppository. This as you can imagine presents some serious OCD contamination problems  hence all the showering changing and washing. Contrary to popular belief we do not like washing, showering and changing all the time, it is a compulsion borne of fear induced necessity, we do not welcome this frustrating waste of our time and I am sure I can speak on behalf of most sufferers. I do not relish the waste of my precious existence in the bathroom, so sometimes I delay my morning shower in such situations as the one today in order to avoid yet another shower.

Eventually however I have to shower, time is marching on and my headache dilemma remains unresolved. I decide not to take my medication and risk it but I am stressed out and angry at my husband for making this arrangement. I make irritated remarks that I am ill and therefore should not be expected to meet commitments as though I were not. On the way I immediately regret having not taken my medication as my headache escalates and feels now like migraine. I do really feel so victimised sometimes as though all the awful things that happen to me are brought about by design and are not a matter of chance. In the quite moments when logic and reason dispels such bizarre imaginings I of course do not believe this notion but in those darker less rational times such considerations seem valid and I feel frustrated and angry.

Life can seem such a burden sometimes. Even without the added difficulty of a migraine or other significant headace it is always rather an ordeal visiting anyone in their own homes and I have to make sure I am contamination free. Particularly here as this person always insists on taking my coat to hang up until I leave. Often when I go out I throw on a large but clean coat so that my  cloths will not contaminate any one if I am not sure about them being clean enough. I will than sit down with the coat on and remove it but remain sitting on it and that way the rest of my clothing does not come into contact with the chair or sofa. Of course  every time I go out I put on clean cloths for fear that I will contaminate others but the coat gives me an added feeling of security and allays any nagging doubts. Now when I say clean I of course mean OCD clean as of course all my cloths are clean in the general sense of the word as considered by a non sufferer. However clean cloths can soon be perceived to be contaminated in any number of ways, for instance by touching something contaminated before leaving the house. For example once I have changed I do not sit down again in case I contaminate my cloths as I can never feel for one reason or another that my chairs are clean enough. It is difficult for me to explain and I am rather depressed today and I am finding it difficult to express myself.

On the way my headache gets increasingly much worse by the minute and I loudly express my regret about not taking my medication. I feel I should return home but feel compelled to carry on as my sense of over responsibility and guilt are unremitting and the pain of mental torment at this point overrides my fear of my migraine. For make no mistake I live in fear and dread of migraine should the pain present when I cannot take my medication. Such is the fear now.  Anxieties torment my mind that for instance the car may break down and I will not be able to get home immediately to take my medication. The fear wells up inside as it does so often nowadays. I feel as though every time I leave home if I  go far from home I am putting myself at risk. In recent weeks the roads in and through the city are choc a blocked with traffic, three sets of road works are causing chaos such heightens my anxiety about getting home quickly should the need arise. But  I decide to go on at least to get there and make my excuses. Another lady is to join us and I would feel guilty if I turned back now. My husband is always rather laid back by such events and this irritates me considerably. I guess even those who care for us become complacent after so many years as I image that  my headaches seem normal and common place and it is taken as read that for the most part I intend to carry on regardless until the point that my headaches becomes a severe migraine. On Thursday we did turn back after going to the cinema as my pain was really just awful and I was so afraid but oh did I feel guilty and full of fear concerning my anxieties about changing plans and dire consequences. I can't face further hours of similar torment.

I managed to make it through the morning in fact for nearly two hours. There is some awkwardness about food which I can't eat being now a vegan - well to be precise a lactose free vegetarian. Both my husband and I get on well with these people, both ladies but nonetheless it is a strain. I do my best to appear normal, neither know anything about my problems, I am careful not to allow them to know this part of my life and somehow I do quite a good job about concealing my illnesses - at least hope so but who knows. I am very stressed about my headache and an attack of irritable balder does little to help my feelings of awkwardness as I need to use the toilet as soon as I arrive which generates another anxiety I have to conceal.  I like these ladies but somehow have the feeling that my relationship, as tenuous as it is, would be coloured by the knowledge of my having a mental illness. It would be rather like the awkward vegan moment mentioned earlier when our host felt awkward not having been able to offer me any food. I think that she considered me a little crazy regarding my diet although such is today quite common place. Moreover if people know you have a mental health problem they tend to pussy foot around and become anxious they will do something to stress you out and they begin to feel uncomfortable and eventually the friendship ends. Also in my experience people tend to think that everything you say and every opinion you express comes from the perspective of you're mental illnesses, particularly a disorder as pervasive as OCD and people can loose respect for you and what you have to say.  Besides it is great to just sit and pretend to be like everyone else despite the communication difficulties and feeling a bit left out of the conversation from time to time. Most peoples lives are quite different to mine; I feel as though I have done very little with my life and of course this is quite true and my entire life had been eroded away by my OCD and most of the things that others do such as travel abroad and so on are not a reality for me, they never where and never will be.

I manage to make it right though and  despite my fears of getting a migraine this does not happen although my headace is nonetheless quite severe. It was pleasant to have gone for this get together but, despite the fact I said it would be nice to get together again, no further arrangement was made except vague offers of visiting the other lady in her hone . I have the feeling that our association will diminish as time goes on. I feel rather sad about this and will think it has something to do with me. Perhaps they noticed something odd about me, perhaps I came over as awkward, the lack of normal eye contact most likely being the most noticeable as it is very unnatural despite my efforts and I will think that it is because as usual no one likes me.

August 17th

Still I am tortured by doubts and I am having once again difficulty publishing and I have not done so since the entry on 7th. Perhaps it is time I gave it a rest for a while and did something else. Lately I have been doing more artwork as though there is some urgency to be doing something constructive driven by anxieties concerning my increasing age, the passing of time and feelings that I need to do something which is satisfying. It is a long time since I have added any new artwork to this website or much in the way of anything other than writing. I have never been one for showing others my art work or indeed sharing much of anything which interests me or which I have accomplished, why I don't know. May be it is fear of criticism,  lack of confidence or fears of appearing egocentric but hey we are all egocentric from time to time. So I don't really know why I am this way. This has always been rather a problem and my hesitancy to share achievements I have previously put down simply to modestly and lack of self esteem thinking that no one will be interested. I recall a therapist who used to come to my house many years ago being quite surprised that I had not shared with her the fact that I had passed my GCSE biology exam at grade A! I had worked hard for this studying a correspondence course with no real tutor so it was quite an accomplishment - at least for me as I was hopeless at school and couldn't learn a thing past the basics. But I just couldn't share this small success with anyone including this lady with whom I had shared so much of the more negative aspects of myself. She had noticed the paper informing me of my of my grade peeping out from behind a stack of other papers on my shelf. She was considerably surprised indeed and at the time I could not understand this. I still have this tendency to keep a low profile and have noticed now in retrospect the surprise of others when they notice or become aware of an achievement such as my artwork, these websites and so that I have kept to myself. Although of course for obvious reasons I would not tell just anyone about this website.

So maybe it is time to share something positive. Being able to include art work on my website and the continuing quest to create hand drawn clip art - I still cannot get it right, no really it is not just OCD doubting - has given me some motivation to improve and create more work. Without this incentive I would probably feel much more apathetic in my approach. I find it difficult to do much of anything for long periods of time unless there is some definite purpose for doing so. I can't just paint for the sheer pleasure of it, not that there is much of that as whatever I do OCD gets in the way making any endeavour an enormous struggle. There has to be some purpose behind most anything that I do and if one does not immediately present itself my mind kind of finds one. For instance reading for pleasure, such as reading a novel, I do so with the intention of improving my writing skills although I rarely read novels for this type of reason there being no point to it. No this is not deliberate, I do this spontaneously , it just happens, I analyse everything almost without even noticing that I am doing so, the style of writing, the grammar, sentence construction and so on .

Perhaps it might be better to include only one entry each week for a while. I do not want to give this up altogether and fear that a complete respite might actually mean that I lose confidence altogether. I do not want OCD to have its way has it has done so many times in the past. So for now I will as they say play it by ear and see what happens. Also my time is very limited now and I am plagued by headaches, I woke again this morning with a significant and yet again ambiguous headache and the same dilemma presents itself and I can't do much of anything . And it does take an inordinately long time for me to produce any written work for reasons I have said often enough and also the technical work of actually creating the website is very time consuming. Moreover my ability to co ordinate and organise such projects as editing graphics to include on my website and in deed writing is reaching incapacitating levels right now as my brain, like my computer's filing system, is all over he place.

August 19th

Panic at the thought of doing a thing is a challenge to do it.
Henry S. Haskins

Well now today I am going to finally publish and after some initial worry I will tend to forget about it - at least that has been the case so far but one dare not speak too soon. I wonder in any case just how many people actually read all this stuff anyway. Yes I have had a few letters but mostly people have just read odd bits and pieces and some of it has been out of context and I guess this cannot be helped. I have visited the blogs of others and read sections in like manner. Sometimes with this particular type of OCD anxiety procrastination is as much a torment as the rumination and fears of publishing due to anxieties mentioned in other entries: namely fear of writing something harmful in one way or another. So today I will at least end the procrastination torment for a while and publish.

I like to occasionally add a few positive quotations here, particularly when much of what I have written is negative, as well as on the inspirations page which I have not updated for ages and perhaps it is time I did so. I find that certain inspiring words of others can be encouraging and uplifting but I avoid those which infuriate such as the commonly quoted platitude which you will most likely recognise : "Every day in every way I am getting better and better." There can be few of us who sufferer with a mental health problem who have not had this quoted to them, albeit with the best of intentions, along with the advice that every so often one should mentally recite this supposedly for its positive effects. Quite honestly the idea is enough to drive one crazy: how on earth can one feel better telling ones self that every day one is getting better when clearly this is not the case and in fact the opposite is true. Of course this is only my perspective. I imagine that if you are getting better than this may be positive a quotation for you. However when you are severely depressed, anxious or whatever and you seem not to be improving despite all your best efforts such quotations appear insensitive and inappropriate and this can be the result of any quotation however well intentioned. Notwithstanding this possible drawback, I hope that some of the following will make you feel uplifted rather than irritated.

Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action.
Walter Anderson

When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past.
Author Unknown

The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.
Mignon McLaughlin

There are those who are so scrupulously afraid of doing wrong that they seldom venture to do anything.
Vauvenargues

I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number.
Edith Armstrong

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
Author Unknown

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.
John Newton

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.
Dale Carnegie

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.
Leo Buscaglia
 

August 25th

So instead of giving in to despair I chose active melancholy, in so far as I   was capable of activity, in other words I chose the kind of melancholy that hopes, that strives and that seeks, in preference to the melancholy that despairs numbly and in distress.
Vincent van Gogh

The main theme of this website, of which this blog is a part, is of course the connection between obsessive compulsive illnesses and creativity and indeed the relationship between any mental health problem and artistic accomplishment. I have been doing some research into the lives of some of the more familiar famous artists of whom most of us are familiar and who appear to have suffered from a mental illnesses. I have been reading lately a really delightful book entitled Vincent Van Gogh: A retrospective, edited by Susan Alyson Stein. As the title implies it concerns the life of Van Gogh mostly from the perspective of some of his contemporaries: it contains letters including many from the artist to his brother Theo with whom he had a close relationship. Also included are commentaries referring to many little known incidents in the life of Van Gogh from various people including other notable artists, such as Gauguin and others with whom Van Gogh associated during his troubled and sadly short life.

Vincent Van Gogh did not of course suffer from any of the illnesses included on this website, he was thought to have suffered from bipolar disorder once known as manic depression. Most of us are familiar with the more tragic incidents from his life such as the terrible episode when he mutilated himself by cutting of his ear after a fierce argument with Paul Gauguin and eventually his tragic suicide at the age of only thirty seven. But there was more to Van Gogh that his mental aberrations.

His expressionist art was indeed influenced by his troubled mind, his artwork reflected his mood. It may have been during the manic phase of his illness that he produced a proliferation of paintings sometimes as many as two each day. These paintings were mostly the vibrant vivid renditions of which most of us are familiar. The darker more sombre paintings were most probably painted during the periods in which he was in the throes of the deep depressive phase of this malady which was in those days untreatable,.

This book gives us other little known glimpses into the life of this remarkable man and shows us a very sensitive person, an aspect of his personality which is normally not generally known, the attention being centred upon his mental health rather than this more positive facet of this personality. Despite all his shortcomings Van Gogh appeared to many as a very devote and sensitive person, a pious man who studied the bible with intensity, living a very frugal and almost ascetic lifestyle.

During his time working as a lay preacher in the Borinage, a bleak and depressing coal mining region of Belgium, this sensitivity is clearly apparent. His compassion for the plight of the extremely poverty stricken lives of the miners induces him to leave the relative comfort of his lodgings and live as they did in a tiny shack with little furniture, not even a bed. He spent his nights sleeping cramped and cold huddled near the hearth. He gave away much of his clothing and his money out of compassion for the suffering of these people. He devoted his time to caring for others, caring for the sick and injured. An incident of note occurred during a particularly devastating mining disaster in1879 when on this tragic day many men lost their lives. One of the survivors was badly burned and mutilated and not expected to live short of a miracle or expensive nursing. Although against the advice of the company doctor, who considered the care of this man to be a futile endeavour, this unfortunate man was taken in and cared for by Van Gogh. He sat by the man's bedside for forty days, he tended his wounds and paid for medical care. The man survived against all odds.

Van Gogh's compassion extended to all creatures however lowly. He often went to considerable lengths to ensure the welfare of even the most insignificant of
creatures - insignificant at least by the more conventional considerations of western society. He was upon one occasion observed to have removed a caterpillar from harms way, putting it in a safer place upon the leaves of a nearby tree with gentle care. Referring to Van Gogh Rev Bonte makes this comment during an interview with Louis Pierard: “His profound sensibility extended beyond human things. Vincent Van Gogh respected the lives of animals, even the most lowly creature. He did not disdain even the most wretched caterpillar; it was living creature that must be protected.”

On another occasion during Van Gogh’s time in Paris Gauguin gives account of Van Gogh's selfless charity. The event took place during the bitterly cold and snowy December of 1886. During a period of dire financial necessity Van Gogh sold a painting for the modest some of five francs, on returning home through the bleak winter to his lodgings Van Gogh gave this five franc coin to a hungry young women. “ When he had almost reached his lodgings, a poor women just out of Saint Lazare, smiled at the painter, desiring his patronage. The beautiful white hand emerged from the overcoat : Van Gogh was a reader , he thought of la fille Elisa, and his five franc became the property of the unfortunate girl. Rapidly ,as if ashamed of his charity, he fled, his stomach empty.”

What has all this got to do with OCD and other anxiety disorders? I admire Van Gogh, more the person than his artwork which at one time was not to my taste but which in recent months has kind of grown on me. Van Gogh greatly influenced the trend towards Expressionism which is as it’s names implies is a type of art that conveys the inner feelings of the artist . His style expressed so much about this temperament, the swirling movements perhaps expressing the turbulence in his life, the vibrant colours resonating the energy and emotion of his more manic phases whilst the dark and sombre art may reflect the melancholy of his depressive declines. Bipolar is often considered a more serious illness than those included on this website with perhaps the exception of eating disorders. But there again who is too say, to me my illnesses is a nightmare of unmitigated misery and such comparisons do little to help relieve one's unhappiness, frustrations and anxieties.

One of the comparisons we can make however, in particular those of us who may feel failures in comparison to other members of society, and that is: Although we may have failed in our ability to function as normal individuals, nonetheless, despite our disabilities we may have achieved something or we may go on to achieve something. And if we look carefully at our lives we may find we have indeed accomplished something and our lives are not complete failures because we could not function in certain areas. Which was most certainly the case for Van Gogh.

Van Gogh failed in most areas deemed of importance to society: He could not earn a living, he depended upon his brother Theo for financial support; he never married or had a family; he could not keep friends. He was on the whole withdrawn and socially inept, seemingly unaware of the emotions of others, often appearing dishevelled and unkempt exhibiting bouts of anger, emotional outbursts for which there was little provocation. He was institutionalised during extreme phases of his illness suffering terrible hallucinations and deep depression. And during his lifetime he sold very few of his partings and was not recognised until eleven years after his death. Yet notwithstanding the enormous difficulties with which he was beset he achieved much during his short life: he produced prolific amounts of incredible artwork as many as 800 paintings and 1,600drawings produced over a short period of only ten years. Sometimes during his manic phases he would paint two paintings a day. Today his art sells for incredible amounts of money, his name is known to most even those who have no appreciation for art.

I think highly of Van Gogh because despite of or even because of his illness he achieved so much not only with his art but also by displaying openly a compassion so rarely found. Despite his volatile temper he had an innate compassion which extended to all creatures. His life was blighted by mental illnesses nevertheless his life is celebrated and he is an example to us who suffer in this way and perhaps we should not consider ourselves failures because we cannot conform to society’s considerations of achievement because we cannot function in the areas in which society deems important. All of us have something to offer in our own way. After all who knows... would Van Gogh  have had his talent had he not suffered from a mental illnesses? It is something to consider is it not.  If we look at some of the many people who through the ages have made a contribution to the enhancement of our lives you will find that many of them have suffered from some mental malady or another, not just artists but the  many others who have made some significant contribution in other fields such as in science, technology, politics, literature and so on. Here are just a few: Abraham Lincoln:  16th president of the US, severe depression. Virgina Woolfe: writer, severe depression.  Howard Hughes: film producer, aviator OCD. Samuel Johnson: Poet, essayist, Tourette's Syndrome OCD . Tennessee Williams: Playwright ,Depression. Emily Dickinson: Poet Panic/anxiety.

August 28th

I am finding it increasingly more difficult to write, the above entry has taken several days to prepare and I am not satisfied with it by any means but wanted to add something a bit more interesting and more positive than my usual complaining, so I persisted and struggled on despite all the usual doubts. When I read the blogs of others it appears to me as though such entries are made easily, most appear to flow , are concise not rambling and confused, are interesting and not repetitive. However who knows unless you are a professional writer maybe it is not that easy for anyone just to sit down at the keyboard and write and revise with little or no editing. However for an OCDer such as myself who has checking compulsions and is assailed by doubts and fears of causing harm the task is much more difficult and is time consuming. Nonetheless at this stage I do not feel as though I should give in to the OCD tormenter, which is making my life difficult right now in all ways, and stop writing. After all if I do so than my OCD tormenter will only focus on another area of my life with equally devastating and incapacitating results.

Recently my psychiatrist asked me to explain my present situation. Well it is not that easy anymore as my OCD is so complex now and so interwoven, a complicated web of interactive obsessions and compulsions interconnecting one with another forming an intricate web of complexity difficult to either explain or to eradicate myself from. Also to add to the complex mix are certain co morbid conditions which do of course effect my OCD. My psychiatrist has suggested that it might be of detriment for me to surf the net and try to find where I fit in with possible co morbid conditions as I will find myself considering that I suffer with an increasing number of mental health conditions. Yes maybe he is right but I need to know why I have the problems I do and I strongly feel that co morbid conditions even if they are not such a problem as the primary illness still nonetheless effect the primary condition which of course for me is OCD.

Any improvements in my OCD will of course be effected by my social anxiety whether it is diagnosed as social phobia, avoidant personality disorder or even Aspergers syndrome, whatever label it comes under it is inhibiting. I have now got to the stage when I never answer the telephone even if no one else is able to answer it because of the fear of having to make impromptu and spontaneous conversation with goodness knows who. My social anxiety resulting from an increasing inability to communicate my feelings and emotions or anything else for that matter is not such a devastating problem as my OCD of course, neither is it as pervasive but it does add to my difficulties considerably inasmuch as it is becoming increasingly more difficult to explain the nature of my complex OCD because of my increasing inability to express myself. And this I feel during the last few years has resulted in not only my inability to get treatment but also my ability to sustain any progress made during treatment.

Why my social anxiety has increased is uncertain however my OCD has also increased considerably and there are few if any areas of my life which are not effected by it. Maybe it is an increase in anxiety overall and as my psychiatrist implies anxiety disorders do seem to interconnect and overlap. Consequently if one facet becomes worse than so may all the others. Also headaches and migraine and my general ill health have taken their toll and mitigate my chances of improvement considerably and most certainly interfere with any social life that I try to maintain. Yesterday I was due to meet a friend for coffee, an ordeal with social interaction, problems with hypersensitivity to sensory stimuli - mainly sensitivity to noise - not to mention my OCD. Than just as I arrive in the city I have to ring and cancel . (Yes in case you ‘re wondering I will use the telephone if I have to but as I am initiating the call and know to whom I am speaking and what I intend to say it is less of a problem but is still by no means easy.) A headache seems to have transformed into migraine - well at that time I thought it had as it was quite severe, but as it turns out it was a tension headache but nonetheless a particularly nasty one. I was angry , frustrated, and guilty for having to cancel right at the last minute. For you see the more I become isolated by my illnesses such as headaches and migraine the more my social anxiety becomes a problem; like all such difficulties the less one confronts them the bigger they grow. it is rather like a chain reaction: The headache prevents me from socialising, with the result that my social anxieties become worse and I avoid social situations and by doing so my OCD becomes worse because social isolation means that I do not have this type of very helpful distraction available to me. Interaction with others helps one gain a more rational perspective upon the irrational and delusional thinking patterns of OCD which without some comparison to normality can not only become more entrenched but can also take on a more real perspective as ones insight becomes less apparent.

I do not believe that any illness should be treated in isolation however I understand that resources within the NHS (National Health Service) are limited nonetheless a diagnosis would help me to at least understand some of the reasons for these additional co morbid conditions. Despite it’s shortfalls the NHS is still far better than any other system elsewhere in the world, with the exception of a relatively small prescription charge all medical treatment is entirely free. I could even have a major operation, a heart transplant for instance to consider what I would image is the most expensive procedure, without paying one single penny. And I feel rather guilty for asking recently for a diagnosis for some of these co morbid conditions. At this time I was told that the health service has only the resources to treat the primary condition. Notwithstanding this disappointment the good news is that I will now be scheduled to see a psychologist for my OCD. You never know perhaps if my OCD improves the other conditions may improve also, after all as my OCD has become worse the co morbid conditions have also so perhaps when or if the situation reverses ... Well who knows ...I guess I will have to wait and see. Nonetheless regardless of the outcome of therapy - if of course I actually receive any, last time I was turned down because I had in previous years failed to sustain any improvement - I would indeed appreciate a diagnosis at least for my social anxiety. I believe that it is helpful to get a diagnosis for  the following reasons: in order to meet others similar, to find support from appropriate organisations and simply to know why I have this problem. You need a diagnosis to help you discover who you are, why you behave the way that you do and why you do not appear to fit in and feel isolated and alienated from society. This is the case with social anxiety as it has an enormous impact upon my OCD. OCD is terribly isolating, it sets you apart from others and puts an enormous strain on any relationship. Friendships with non OCD sufferers are virtually impossible. Now add social anxiety, an inability to communicate with others not knowing what to say and so on...well it certainly doesn't help the situation does it.

Furthermore I guess to put it simply I would like a label, particularly when or if I ever need to explain to others the problems which I have. Yes of course I could diagnose myself but than there is always doubt and naturally such a diagnosis may simply be incorrect and I may be lead down the wrong path and seek solutions which are inappropriate.

August 29th

How much sadness there is in life, nevertheless one must not get melancholy, and one must seek distraction in other things, and the right thing is to work...

...as I thought on the subject like you wrote in your letter, that by absorbing myself in my work, and quite losing myself in it, my mood would change, and it has already greatly improved.

Vincent Van Gogh  Extracts from letters to his brother Theo.

For more of Van Gogh's letter s unabridged visit : Web Exhibits
van Gogh's Letters - Unabridged

Today I woke with a really heavy heart, the burden of depression rather like a sickness which greets me every morning was today the most profound it has been in recent weeks. The morbid thoughts which haunt me are most tortuous and terrible and I would have to be a strong willed person to not be greatly effected by them. Details of these thoughts I will not inflict upon you as I fear that such may precipitate a morbid preoccupation in anyone who may read this.

I know I said that in my blog I would tell it the way it is including such morbid intrusive thoughts and yes for the most part I will endeavour to do this, but this morning the thoughts are just awful and I fear the consequences of sharing them with you, so today I will not do so feeling as though I have more than enough on my plate trying to contend with them. It was in fact merely a conversation of a very morbid nature which ignited my full blow OCD, so I am often very afraid to say something which may have similar consequences for another. Today this anxiety is profound, and besides those of you who are reading this if you have OCD you most likely have enough of your own thoughts to contend with. And for those of you who have stumbled across my website and know nothing of the misery of mental illness including OCD... well there is plenty to read on my website including:  my book , short story and the article a day in the life of an OCDer and much more. These writings will give you some idea concerning the nature of my OCD and the type of morbid rumination which besets me throughout the day.

Other thoughts crowd my mind this morning vying for space between the morbid incursions. Guilt ridden thoughts concerning my son and the unhappiness or rather depressive malaise that now seems to have over taken him once again. He did feel somewhat better for a while after having a diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome (not that he see this as a good thing of course but he simply now has answers concerning some of the difficulties that beset his life, particularly concerning social interaction) but in the last week or so he has steadily sank into despondency . He now seems once again to be more deeply depressed, feeling he can make nothing of value from his life; he is frustrated by anxiety, depression and the social anxiety resulting from his Aspergers Syndrome. Moreover the consequent difficulties he has experienced trying to become self employed in order to support himself and also to live a fulfilling and satisfying life have taken their toll. He needs help for his depression and anxiety if he is to eradicate himself from the incapacity which such feelings have bought upon him

Such feelings have induced apathy and a lack of motivation and his hope to support himself by his artwork is fading and his motivation to paint is declining due to a mixture of hopelessness and depression. I know that perhaps all mother's consider that their sons or daughters have some talent or ability however this is genuinely the case with my son. Sufferers of Aspergers sometimes exhibit a talent, gift or ability in certain fields such as mathematics, music or art and for my son his ability lies in his artwork and he is capable of the most intricate and complex renditions.

He is however a perfectionist and it is a task for him to know when a painting or other piece of artwork is completed and this is indeed tortuous for him and may have a component of obsessive compulsive doubting resulting I believed from torments of which I of course cannot know. He has painted little in the last few weeks and it is difficult to know what to do.

I have always tried to carry on and keep active, as active as my incapacities will allow. I believe it is of enormous importance to keep as busy as one can with something positive within the limitations of ones illness and abilities if this is the only way one can do so. Even if I feel depressed or have to work within the limited periphery of my OCD, such as repetitive hand washing and changing of cloths while painting or frustrating checking and ruminating while in the throes of writing for my website and else where, I try to carry on nonetheless amidst tearful and depressing frustrations. Yes it takes longer, is frustrating and just plain awful but the alternative is far worse; inactivity will result in a decline and an increase in symptoms. Like Vincent Van Gogh mentioned in an earlier entry it is better to maintain an “active melancholy “ rather than to sink into inactivity which leaves one open to the mercy of tormenting thoughts and soul destroying depression. Also depression borne from feelings of wasting ones time, which in my experience besets me after giving in to despair by sinking into an  inactive decline, which of course happens quite often and can lead to further feelings of melancholy. Like the tile of the book “Feel the Fear and do it Anyway” one can attempt to apply this advice to depression or any other negative state of mind : feel the depression and do it anyway.

Yes of course I know that this cannot always be done, and this may sound to you rather like the bull in the china shop approach and as such rather insensitive and if your depression is profound or borne of a life shattering circumstance such advice is impossible. I know this from my own experience and this was the case yesterday afternoon when all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner somewhere, and in a manner of speaking I did just that. When depression is really profound activity may not be possible but if I can I do try to do something positive and it can help to lift my depression to a degree, even if only by taking the edge of it. After working on my computer including all this writing my depression is less deep than it was when I had to force myself from my bed to not only ease the torment of intrusive morbid thoughts but to distract myself from overwhelming depression. Although it of course remains and sadly for me is present to some degree throughout the day. If however I had remained in bed I would be consumed by my depression and tormented more by those awful depressing and anxiety provoking OCD thoughts.

If you would like to see my son’s artwork, please visit his website Kevin's art. No I am not trying to promote his work for commercial reasons I merely wish you to see the talent he has, the talent that so many who sufferer from some mental health problem or another have and which can so easily go to waste if depression becomes incapacitating. My son is not able right now to become self supportive by either self employment or otherwise but this need not necessary make him feel a failure or anyone else for that matter who is experiencing such problems which are no fault of their own. Van Gogh I believe painted from the joy of doing so, it was his vocation, he hoped that his work would do something to console those who sufferer the the painful misery of existence which sadly is the lot of every living being from time to time. Also please visit the Galley if you have not already done so, there you will find the creative work of fellow sufferers.

August 31st

Why is it that so many of us persist in thinking that autumn is a sad season? Nature has merely fallen asleep, and her dreams must be beautiful if we are to judge by her countenance.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Well it’s the last day of August, hasn’t time just flown this summer as once again the darker days are gradually creeping in adding an extra despondency to my depressed mood. As I wake so early and am up and about between 4 and 5 am, I of course perhaps notice this change more so than others who are able to sleep to a more normal routine. It is 5.27 and still it is quite dark; I miss the light that greeted me upon waking during the few weeks of mid summer. Here in the UK the days will get progressively shorter until it is well after 8am before it is entirely light, and at between 3 and 4 pm the darkness of the evening begins to descend, and on a gloomy cloudy day this appears more obvious. Such can really add to our depression, but there is nothing of course we can do about it despite all the complaining which we do every year. The feelings of misery that some of us experience which accompany the onset of autumn are not easy to shake off despite our inability to change anything. Such feelings are of course not limited to those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety. I always think it is the decline of summer at about this time that is for me personally the worst time of all, after a while and when the clocks have been altered, as is the case here in the UK, somehow you accept the darker shorter days albeit with reluctance and you begin to long for the coming of the lighter days and the return of spring.

Wishing your life away you mentally tick off the months with such comments as, and this is the most popular one: well lets get November and December over with, they are the worse months. And yes this is true, the gloom of November here in the UK is so depressing, it is usually dull with overcast skies for days on end, foggy with damp penetrating cold. Than when the winter solstice arrives and Christmas is over we tell ourselves that we can now begin to look forward to the return of spring. It is sad that we wish our lives away in this manner but rather like an unwanted OCD thought we seem incapable of dismissing such longings and continue to look foreword for signs of the coming of spring. When finally it arrives it seems to pass so quickly. The weather never meets up to our expectations, at least here in the UK, we than look forward to summer hoping things will improve. We hope for the return of the hot sunny days of times past - of course the summers were not any different in our past than those of today but somehow we remember them differently, retaining it seems only the mental images of hot sunny days and forgetting the wet and cold ones. We are never satisfied and as time marches inexorably on we wonder if we ever will be - at least that is my experience.

As you grow older time seems to fly by and recently I am becoming increasingly quite fearful as most of my life has passed as though in a blur of OCD misery, in the clutches of profound depression and chronic incapacitating anxiety. I wake in the mornings these days with such thoughts to greet me along with the ever present repertoire of morbid worrying OCD thoughts which have haunted me my entire adult life and which present the moment I wake and become conscious along with the familiar sickening feeling of depression which  is immediately felt.

The thought of the encroachment of the autumn and eventually the winter does evoke feelings of anxiety but there is little one can do other than make the best of it. I do like some aspects of the winter such as the snow but not quite the way I once did as my thoughts at such times turn to the sufferings of creatures in the wild .

But hey lets not give in to despondency just yet sometimes in September it can be warm, even hot as was the case last year when we went on holiday to Somerset. However it’s that anticipatory feeling of what is to come that lurks in the recesses of our mind which spoils ones enjoyment of the last remains of summer and mitigates our pleasure, rather like the feeling one gets when on Sunday we are haunted by the thought that the next day we have to return to school or work or whatever commitments we seem to save for the week. I recall the sickening dread on Sunday when I was a child because the following day I would have to attend school and face the misery that was my lot for most of my time there.

I think one of my biggest difficulties, which is of course not the prerogative of the anxiety sufferer, is the tendency not to live in the moment, instead living in the guilt and regret of yesterday and the fear of the anticipated anxiety of tomorrow. Sadly I know this is a big factor in my suffering and indeed for the suffering of most of us. Knowing this is one thing but knowing quite what to do about it is another. Such thoughts and preoccupations like any other which plague sufferers of OCD and indeed other anxiety disorders are not easily altered and reset to reflect a more helpful way of thinking. Living for the moment is good sound advice but is sadly easier said than done. And this inability for some of us to enjoy the remainder of the summer, although inconsequential compared to the other misery that plagues the existence of sufferers of any mental health problem, does rather reflect our general inability to truly enjoy any respite from our suffering due to our dread of what may come.

I hope that those of us who are depressed due to the onset of autumn can enjoy what vestiges of summer that remain and try to see something positive in the coming of autumn and winter. I guess I dare say that autumn and winter are times when one can at least slow down and one feels less inclined to be so involved in comings and goings which for those of us who suffer from anxiety can be a strain. With the coming of autumn and winter we do not feel compelled to enjoy that hot spell or that beautiful warm evening and trek off out somewhere even though we feel so tired and weary. Neither do you have to feel as though you have to work in the garden or decorate the house just because the weather is ideal for doing so when you would rather relax for a while. You know the feeling when you just want to veg out and let the world go by and tuck in in the warm and safe confines of your own home and feel secure for a while, yet on a warm summer's day you feel uncomfortable at best and even guilty at worse if you do so. Who is not grateful for a day off from school or work or other pressing commitments when the weather makes such pursuits  impossible. There are advantages to the coming of autumn, perhaps the above from your perspective may not seem positive and perhaps you' re correct but there are positives for all of us I would imagine if only we look for them.

Her are a few quotations concerning autumn which I hope will give you a new and positive perspective.

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
Albert Camus

Our seasons have no fixed returns, Without our will they come and go; At noon our sudden summer burns, Ere sunset all is snow.
James Russell Lowell

Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring.  Doug Larson

O suns and skies and clouds of June, and flowers of June together. Ye cannot rival for one hour October's bright blue weather.
Helen Hunt Jackson

Spring comes with flowers, autumn with the moon, summer with the breeze, winter with snow. When idle concerns don't fill your thoughts, that's your best season.
Wu-Men

In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Albert Camus

No winter lasts forever; no spring skips it's turn.
Hal Borland

I've never known anyone yet who doesn't suffer
a certain restlessness when autumn rolls around. . . .
We're all eight years old again and anything is possible.
Sue Grafton

The Sussex lanes were very lovely in the autumn... spendthrift gold and glory of the year-end... earth scents and the sky winds and all the magic of the countryside which is ordained for the healing of the soul.
Monica Baldwin


A further entry 11.20 am

The weather today has turned out to be absolutely delightful, it is pleasantly warm, not to bright with hazy sunshine and a mild breeze, it is indeed equitable, ideal conditions in fact - at least for me. Perhaps I should not quite yet lament the passing of summer so quickly, as autumn and winter come soon enough. It is amazing the difference the weather can make to your mood. Yes your problems remain but a brighter more favourable day such as the one today makes them more easy to cope with and I guess this is one of the major reasons why I tend to feel a certain undefined anxiety at this time of year when the weather is on the decline and the dull days of autumn and winter approach.

A further entry 3pm

Well right now I feel like eating my words as the saying goes. Yes the weather should make a difference to your mood and for most people it most certainly does but today for me personally it turned out to be another round of misery. Virtually before I had finished writing the above I had the beginnings of a nasty headache. I persisted and went out anyway for a walk round the university gardens in the city, my husband and I having decided that we should make the most of the weather. Unfortunately I had an unexpected encounter with a dog which should not have been on the grounds anyway, a boisterous Labrador which not only caused me stress for the reasons I have mentioned upon many accessions, namely my fear of contracting the rabies virus, but I had to further contend with my fear of legionaries disease after it had jumped in the pond and was heading in my direction. Fortunately without incident, after shouting at it - well all right swearing at it - it turned and ran off. I felt awful quite embarrassed and will now feel awkward going back there again but I just couldn't help it, I was so scared and so so angry, few people understand what it is like. The fear and anxiety is intolerable not to mention the necessity of  showering, changing and washing all my cloths and maybe even throwing them away if this dog had come into contact with me and all this with a thumping headace. Finally after sitting and reading a while unable to concentrate I fell asleep the result I imagine of sleep deprivation only to wake profoundly depressed. Yes the weather was marvellous, a last taste of summer but the sad reality is that I am not able to enjoy it and this fact induced feelings of depression and hopelessness and I wonder it anything will ever change. In fact the sad truth is that today the glorious weather actually served to enhance my unhappiness and confirm for me this sad truth..

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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