April 1st

This morning it was such a pleasure to hear the birds quietly singing , makes me feel as though spring is on the way, I mean really on the way not just a date on the calendar as of course officially spring came with the spring equinox on the 20th March. It has been a difficult winter and I am impatient to brush it aside, literally as in painting over the damp that we have every year which rather like my health gets progressively worse. Huge black spots appear in the corner of the sitting room forming the exact same pattern. This I find rather odd, if there was condensation damp as we are constantly being told, then would it not be more uniform? It’s still forming which again is odd because we viewed this house in February and it was freshly wall papered and we had a surveyor check it over, surely even the most incompetent of whom could not have missed this and the big damp patch that forms in the corner as water trickles down the wall. So why it is doing this now? Its still damp and its now early April! This is a real misery I can tell you, after wiping with bleach or vinegar it returns within days, its ruined the paint which has bubbled up. We are getting older and a yearly decorate will become too much for us and than of course there is the expense. Bad enough with the Gas and electricity this year, thieving greedy exploitative power companies. Our gas supplier put their charges up by twenty one percent. Time the government did something about rampant greed which is ruining people’s lives. Our lives have been seriously spoiled as a result of other people’s greed and downright dishonestly as in the case of our house where the vendor is legally enquired to declare the presence of damp. But of course if you have no money to take legal action you of course have no recourse to justice. And lets face it only the very affluent have money to pay over priced solicitors who earn more than most people or the money to pay over priced building surveyors for a job improperly done. Well I could go on, the same with the damp proofing which has made little difference to the damp in our home. Yes it is not rising damp and a damp course is what we paid for but I wonder sometime with the exception of one wall whether rising damp was actually a problem with the other walls that we had damp proofed.

Concerning gas charges... ummmm I mean over charges, this is having a huge effect on peoples lives, some people are so traumatised by the enormity of their bills this year that they are reluctant to talk about. One person we know says she has not been able to even look at her bill this year fearful of what it will be, paying monthly by direct debit she simply hopes she is covered. An elderly lady whose house in the winter is always cold now keeps surplus water she has used to make tea in a flask so that it is cheaper to reboil it, not only a hazard of course to health but a sad reflection of the anxiety concerning the massive bills people are receiving just too keep warm through the worse winter in decades.

Shame on you greedy grabbing profiteering ...well I can't think of words that I can write here , words which will offend some people but you can well imagine I am sure. When are people going to wake up to the exploitive capitalist system. When essentials services as gas, electricity, the telephone and transport were all nationalised things were not nearly as dire,  yes prices went up but nothing like they do now and oh wasn't life so much simpler. Don’t you get so sick of these money grabbing business vying with each other offering reduced prices to lure customers only to find in six months time you are no better off as they hike their prices and you find yourself not only not much better off but sometimes even worse than your were with whoever you had previously. So in reality there really are no permanent deals, no real prices savings unless you wish to be continually swapping and changes service providers, and hell life is just too short.

Anyway won’t ramble on too much today but just lately you feel so exploited, ripped off. Charges for heating in recent years, an essential in a cold climate, are nothing short of criminal.


April 8th

Its continues to be bitterly cold but we brave it and set off for the Yorkshire dales having decided it is too early to go to the Lake district as we had planned. It has been bitterly cold and even some snow so we decided that the trip is too far and may even be hazardous as we have to take the road over a mountain that can be dangerous in winter weather. We are most likely taking extreme caution and although we have had some frosty nights and early mornings it is spring after all. Just lately I never know what to do but I am weary of allowing the weather to keep us trapped in the house as it has done this winter. I rather regret this now but so many fears have prevented us from taking a chance and going out, yes it has been a severe winter but a lot of my fears are exaggerated. But I am am anxious about getting trapped in snow and getting a migraine or severe tension headache and not being able to cope. Well sounds reasonable, but when you have OCD you are not sure if it is reasonable after all the car can break down anytime of the year and once you start getting anxious about such things you can well finish up going nowhere at all! And I admit that over the winter I have lost my confidence about going out for one reason or another.

April 11th

Well as you can see I have altered the design of my blog, but only the design, everything else is more or less the same. I am not altogether happy with it and after working on it for many hours I am to be honest bored with it and somewhat frustrated by the way that one minute you think that something is okay and the next minute you are dissatisfied with your efforts, which sadly is the case with my new design and indeed anything and everything. Yes I am never satisfied always haunted by something or other but at least it is a change from the other rather bland design which I have had more or less since the inclusion of my blog five years or so ago. Unfortunately the design is all I have changed, I have looked over a few entries but cannot read through it all, over 50 pages, and check for dead links, I simply have neither the time nor the inclination and furthermore I simply cannot get my head round it all to do so. Getting ones head round it is a common term nowadays and one that just so fits my confused state of mind recently when I cannot seem to do anything properly that requires organisation or multitasking, or plan and simple clear thinking.

You will find many dead links for a number of reasons and really they have to remain that way. One reason is that some of the people who have had links to their websites included here have removed them or taken them off line. This is the case for my son who recently took his website off-line, so there are many dead links and it is impossible for me to go through my blog to find them, not only because it is difficult and exhausting but because I would have to alter the context of the entries and this is simply not in keeping with a blog. I know it is frustrating to come upon dead links but it is simply the way of it on the internet.

I really am finding it difficult lately to write even simple things and feel so confused and not really very motivated. It takes me a long time to write anything as I have mentioned on many occasions and just lately this is much worse. Looking back over previous entries as I have been reformatting my blog it is so obvious that I write far less than I once did and the content has changed and there are fewer and fewer personal entries. Therefore to spend hours checking links would only result in even less time spent adding new entries. It is regretful and as a perfectionist it rankles, but I simply have not the time and as I said I can’t get round the complicated process this would entail, a process which is exhausting not only mentally but physically, already my back aches awful as I am writing this. Just lately health issues are becoming more of a burden as there are just so many of them and the ongoing grinding misery is becoming unbearable.

Well I hope you like the new design, the patchwork leaf was created by my sister as part of a patchwork project. I will talk more about what I intend to include in the blog in the near future in another entry. Yes I have said previously that I will include this or that and nothing much has changed but I keep trying and maybe this time I will succeed to make the blog reflect more that is going on in my mind not just about OCD but about other matters, after all we are more than our OCD, at least would like to think so.
 

Please be aware that there maybe many things wrong with the new format and as I come across them I will endeavour to rectify with the exception of the problems mentioned above. There maybe entries missing so there may be some lack of consistency if you are reading my blog for the first time.

April 17th

There have been three earthquakes within only a few months, it seems that globally rather like our own personal lives there is always some dire event. Earthquakes though are unimaginable to those of us who live in parts of the world which are not effected by them and I always feel sadness for people effected by them as the death toll is so high and people loose so much, those that remain have to suffer with the grief of the loss of a loved one, or loss of their homes their livelihood and their way of life.

I am always though keenly aware of the misery of existence for all beings and that is the reason why I created my sheep website ( www.think-differently-about-sheep.com) and why from time to time I feel the need to discuss some of the world's dreadful tragedies and social injustices.

Often when the initial catastrophe is over as the weeks go by we forget the continued suffering of those effected in recent tragedies such as the earthquake in Haiti, In Peru and most recently in Tibet . Yes Tibet not China, Qinghai Province is in Tibet. Tibet was once an independent country until the Chinese invasion. Sadly now many people here in the west accept China’s claim to Tibet by referring to this region as China. This helps to validate China's claim. For more information click here:
Earthquake in Tibet | Free Tibet

I think it is important that we keep in mind that this region is mostly occupied by Tibetans but is an invaded country.

I often feel that there is very little I can do about much of the misery in this world other than from time to time include links on my website for information or for the pursue of donation. Below are links to donate to the Tibetan earthquake crisis. Many of links also include facilities also for donations for both Haiti and Peru and indeed other worthy causes which do not get headline attention.

Unfortunately it appears that there is not as much attention to the Tibet Earthquake as Haiti and Peru, maybe it is because less people died or were effected, but I am not sure of the statistics. But whether it is one life, hundreds, thousands or tens of thousands people still need help and support. Here are a few links were you may offer such support.
 

Earthquake devastates China's Qinghai Province | Mercy Corps UK

Qinghai Earthquake | Mercy Corps USA

Save the Children UK : Donate

American Red Cross: China Relief Fund

Save the Children UK : Donate

Fair Trade - Gifts - Help Survivors of the Earthquake in Tibet

To  reiterate most of these charities refer to the region as China but it is in fact central Tibet

April 18th

The link below will take you to an interesting article with a difference in the New York Times concerning depression, as it is written from the point of view as a condition with a beneficial facet. The article concerns mostly the type of depression which is caused by circumstance rather than as a result of mental health conditions such as bipolar, or seasonal effective disorder which results from a deficiency of sunlight or neurotic depression which is the kind of depression that many of us who suffer with an anxiety disorder experience as a result of our anxiety. Nonetheless this article makes fascinating reading for anyone suffering with depression and those of us who are prone to ruminative thinking such, as those of you who suffer like me with OCD. Again though the type of thinking described here is more the kind of ruminative worry that arises from circumstances rather than the neurotic thinking of OCD. Nevertheless an interesting and useful article for anyone suffering the misery of depression or worry and ruminative thinking; as most of us experience more than one type of depression I believe we are more prone to the type of depression caused  by circumstance if we already suffer from another type of depression such as bipolar or neurotic depression. The same goes for ruminative thinking, we are more likely to ruminative over what we call normal worries if we have OCD ruminative thinking as we are of course habituated to that type of thinking and often we find that the concerns that other people have in their day to day existence became for us far more exaggerated.

Not sure if I agree with the article that depression serves as a motivator because at times it can really sap your motivation and your ability to do even the most simple of tasks, but perhaps overall your depression gives you a perspective on life that people who do not suffer depression do not have that may make you take some positive action.  Although right now the increase in my depression is resulting in anything but positive action or any action, and the delay in adding entries is due to depression which at this time has no advantage and results only in apathy and a confused state of thinking. I will try and discuss this further later. I have not read all the article and the way my mind is right now I may have the wrong idea, but I found the information about Darwin of interest and it is always fascinating to read other opinions about depression and other conditions from different perspectives. However I  really cannot see any advantage of depression from the perspective of the sufferer even if it does lead to actions which may change issues which change the world as we discussed in a previous entry. However on the other hand we should not see our lives as failures because we are depressed and if we can see some good arsing from our depression even though we would rather not suffer than that is a good thing.

Depression’s Upside - NYTimes.com

 

April 20th

Well this is the first upload of my new look blog format. It's not perfect and I am not going to check anymore because no matter how many times I check I never notice mistakes. Maybe it is this way for everyone, that is why writers need a proof reader. But I am not a writer and do not have a proof reader so this is the best I can do. I am finding it more difficult to cope with my computer and the internet but maybe it is that in general I am finding life increasingly more difficult, overwhelming and frustrating not to mention stressful and depressing. I know, not the most uplifting thought of the day  but this is a personal blog and I have to tell it how it is otherwise it is pointless.

April 21st

Its so cold yet again, it is 6am and I am sitting here in my cardigan. I was up at 5am and immediately noticed how cold it is. We do not feel we can afford to turn on the heating in April! Usually we do not have to and besides even during the winter I do not turn the heating on until 7am at the earliest. Furthermore it has been consistently cold all day and we again cannot turn on the heating until at the latest 4pm. Yes in the great scheme of things considering the misery of life for many it is not that big a deal but it does add to my depressed mood, I am longing for warmer days and to be rid of that dreadful damp smell which is now actually much worse than winter because of course not having the heating on there is nothing to dry it out. We have to do something by next winter as I cannot cope with it any longer, but what to do I have no idea.

The present situation regarding the weather does make it difficult to accept the global warming idea, although I do and know that it does not work the way we expect, as in warmer weather, probably why it is often referred to recently as climate change, which is less confusing. Here is a sobering thought from something I read recently when doing research for my sheep website. Struggling to prepare a section concerning sheep in history I found this interesting comment in a book called: Sheep, The remarkable story of the humble animal that built the modern world by Alan Butler. The author describing the industrial practices of the Cistercian Monks prior to the Dissolution of the monasteries by Henry VIII suggests that had the monasteries been allowed to continue, the industrial revolution would have taken place two centuries earlier.

“ One question that must be asked is whether Britain would have arrived at the industrial revolution much earlier if Henry had not seized the abbey lands?

In France the Cistercians had cornered the market for iron production, a commodity that was becoming more important to society as a whole. Without good cheaply produced iron the Industrial Revolution would never have taken place at all.

The Cistercian had been quick to use water power for all sorts of purposes, which included the running of very advanced forges, where water-powered hammers made light work of tasks that normally took days. They built better carts, better roads, were experts in lead and copper smelting and also showed their enterprise by making themselves some of the best architects and builders in the world of their day.

Still it was the production of Iron, and especially cast Iron, that really set the Cistercians apart. ...archaeologists really found something interesting when they were digging on the land formally owned by the Cistercian Rievaulx Abbey in North Yorkshire. What they discovered was a prototype blast furnace, which was in use at the time of the Dissolution of Rievaulx. It had been previously thought that the blast furnace was later invention - in fact this method of making iron wasn't considered to have been used in England until the start of the 18th century.

The finds at Rievaulx prove that the Cistercians were using blast furnace technology at least as early as the 16th century and probably in the 15th but the Dissolution of the monasteries stopped this technology in its tracks. Whether or not the Industrialisation of Britain would have taken place earlier if the monasteries had been allowed to remain can only be conjecture”

Extract from Sheep, The remarkable story of the humble animal that built the modern world by Alan Butler


Interesting, as of course if the Industrial Revolution had occurred two centuries earlier so would global warming, in which case what would our lives be like to day? I cannot imagine.

April 28th

I will not be on-line for a while to update this blog . Last week after a computer crash it was discovered that our hard drive was not functioning properly and was a right off . We have had to replace it and of course all our data was destroyed. We have some files backed up but replacing them and installing our software is a huge task and will take some time. In addition we have had no choice but to upgrade our e-mail to a newer version which we had been avoiding as we simply find it so difficult to cope with new layouts particularly in this case when such is not as efficient as it was previously. To cut a long story short we have huge task ahead right at a time that I feel as though just about everything is difficult to cope with. After which next week I will be taking a week's break from the computer before I really go crazy. This situation has been very stressful for my son and I adding to the enormous difficulties which seem continually to present in day  to day life and I need time out. It is no easy matter running two websites along with other activities on the net for anyone, but when you suffer with conditions that cause anxiety the extra anxiety brought about by the aforementioned difficulties adds greatly to your overall stress levels. Moreover I have had trouble updating both websites due to loosing all our information. I am exhausted depressed and really fed up with everything.

There will therefore not be any further entries until After May 11th.

For anyone who regularly e-mails me, and you of course know who you are, I will open your e-mail and write to you straight the way and let you know the situation as I have not had a chance to let you all know, after which I try to respond as usual after May 4th, but anyone writing to me for the first time please be aware I will not be able to respond until after 11th. Apologies for any inconvenience.

I hope that all makes sense I really can't think straight anymore. Basically I will respond to e-mail as soon as I can.