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April 3rd
Today we where in the Lake
district, it was an absolutely gorgeous day, the sky brilliant,
so bright it was almost white, not a cloud in sight and until we
arrived at Lake Ullswater it was hot. Amazing how the chill of a
wind from the lake made such a drastic difference to the
temperature. It was though an exceptional day for early April
and we are all of us hoping for a long hot or at least sunny
spring and summer. A short headache attack had thankfully eased
off, but it is so stressful as I can never tell if a headache
will be short lived, mild or severe or migraine. If it passes
off after about half an hour I might be okay but if it goes on
for over an hour or more I am less likely to get rid of it and
it can progress towards becoming a migraine attack. Anyway I
do not wish to ramble on about my headaches today, an on going
misery about which I have written a considerable amount.
The photograph of the tiny
lamb you see below we took in a field we passed by on our way to
Ullswater. She is an adorable creature. Mum bleated loudly as we
approached, but as we stood quietly talking to her she became
calm as she knew we meant no harm. Ewes are fiercely protective
of their young. Out of several lambs this little lamb came to
the fence poking her head through so friendly. Despite my OCD I
just had to stroke her head and fuss her. Yes I did wash my
hands afterwards in water I carry in the car for this purpsoe
but it was a step forward. As is of course obvious if you have
visited my new website, I love animals and have a particular
fondness for sheep and not being able to have contact with an
animal due to OCD has caused me much sadness and this was the
first time in many many years I have stroked an animal and
despite my anxiety it was a delight to do so, she was such a sweet
friendly creature. There where two little black lambs in the
next field who also approached but they where a little too shy.
I do so love to see all the tiny lambs at this time of year,
here in the north they are everywhere.
Below are some of our photos
of lake Ullswater and the lambs and their
mother.
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This very sweet and friendly lamb poked her head
through the fence looking for a bit of fuss. |
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At
times the water was a brilliant blue as you can see
above. It was though rather chilly, the contrast was
marked as away from the lake it was exceptionally
warm, I would even describe it as hot. |
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Later
it became hazy but still incredible for the time of
year. I do not recall it being as warm for as many
consecutive days so early in the season, after a
miserable winter it was such a pleasure to
experience this unseasonable treat. |
April 5th
I was thinking about
archiving my entries but as this is not a proper blog such as
word press or blogger it would take me forever to work out how
to organise it and I would end up with brain fog, more aches and
pains and irritated frustration. Also I hope to sign up for word
press or similar so that people can comment, if of course there is anyone to
comment. So archiving may be a complete waste of time if I
end up taking this blog elsewhere. Also I am really exhausted. I
have been very preoccupied with my new website during the last
few months and may as a consequence have probably taken on far
too much as like this website it is a continuing effort. With
fibromyalgia, over exhaustion can aggravate the condition if this
is what I have. My symptoms fit this and also somatisation
disorder but still no diagnosis, other than my aches pains and
other symptoms are due to depression, something I have trouble
accepting but of course cannot rule out. If it was just the
aches and pains I could accept that stress was causing my
muscles to tense and consequently chronically ache, but what
about my joints, the IBS, irritable bladder, the strange
neurological type symptoms such as numbness of limbs which was
so bad last week that I was on the verge one evening of going to
the hospital but dreaded the thought, and the dread outweighed
the anxiety of this episode which after some hours the following
day eased off.
However concerning my new
website the worst is over although I am still working on six
articles and adding other items and pages of interest as
hopefully will be the case again with this website. I do a have
to say though yet again that I do feel so discouraged of late
wondering how many actually visit here. Its not that I seek
attention, quite the contrary in fact. No indeed not, it is
simply that whatever I do has to have some purpose and spending
hours and hours if no one is reading anything seems pointless.
But despite a dramatic drop in visits people are accessing my
website. I think a good number of my previous stats were due to
people hot linking to our photos which of course gave a false
impression of exactly how many genuine visitors this website was
actually getting.
I am having a lot more
difficulty with all my aches and pains, this morning I woke up
feeling as though I had climbed Everest or had fallen downstairs
aching all over from over exhaustion or injury when of course
neither is the cause. Its the same most mornings and I notice
that the significant aches set in after about 3 am. If I wake
before that time my pains are only relatively mild in comparison
to what they feel like if I fall asleep again. Also after a vivid
dream my aches and pains and headache are considerably worse.
Anyone have any ideas why,
anyone else experiencing similar?
Well its 6.20 AM and its
light, it is so nice to see it getting increasingly light with
each passing day, those dark mornings where so depressing. Now I
can hear the birds singing at 5AM the sound is so soothing
hearing them quietly chirping. Looks like another lovely day,
the sky is blue, a little hazy but not a cloud in sight. The
early morning sun is so pleasant, its tempting to sit in the
garden for a while before all the noise begins but it might be
too cold to do so quite this early. The problem is with fine
weather instead of people relaxing and enjoying it, out come all
the grass cutters, hedge trimmers and other noise generating
implements. Oh well at least its better than all that dullness
cold and rain, its been a long cold damp winter.
April 5th
Well we have a new resident
who makes a lot of noise and mess and who is awake earlier even
than I. No it's not an inconsiderate relative but rather a
couple of birds who are nesting in a gap in our roof. For
several years now we have been host to a couple of much smaller
birds who have nested there and we have been hesitant to block
the gap when they have gone in the autumn as it was pleasure to
have them even they did make a few scraping noises, but which
were compensated by the chirping of baby birds . However sadly
these smaller birds have been evicted by the larger ones which I
think are jackdaws. They make such a racket, sounds like they
are building a house rather than a nest as at times it can
sound like a hammer banging. All this noise however takes
place in my son's room. They are in the process of bringing
twigs and stones for nest building piling them over the drain
pipe, there are twigs everywhere some fall to ground. The nest is over our
door also, I dash out quickly should twigs or worse fall on my
head. My husband is concerned about the damage but there is
nothing to be done until they leave in autumn. Even if they
where not a protected species we simply could not evict them
now. I actually find them a delight although my son does not
share my enthusiasm as they can wake him early in the morning
and when the youngsters arrive even earlier as the days get
longer and dawn comes at about 3am.
I only hope thought that
there is not one of those bird flu panics that they liked to
stress everyone out with when they can't find anything else
about which to
make people feel anxious or depressed. Yes I do think about bird
flu from time to time my OCD is never far away to spoil
anything and everything.
We also used to have a bird
who laid her eggs in a nest in a bush in the yard and this year
we installed a bird box hoping she would use it, but sadly this
year she has not returned, most likely she did not survive the
cold winter this year.
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Piles of
twigs wait to be used in nest construction, since taking
this photo the piles has got larger. Banging and
scraping accompanied by chirping can be heard throughout
the day from as early as 7am. |
April 6th
I woke this morning the
aches and pains just awful again as they are most mornings,
however some mornings lately as already mentioned they are worse
than usual, there is no doubt that sleep makes them worse but I
have to sleep of course. The wind was blowing quite a gale and
it seems that all that lovely weather has gone, its still dark
this early but at least I know that soon it will be light.
During the winter it can seem that it will never get light when
I wake so early. I had also woken with such a dreadful headache
earlier in the night, so bad I thought it might be migraine and
I got the settee ready to lie down after taking my medication,
diclofenac suppositories, I need to lie down straight the way
and its not easy to get back upstairs as just lately my knee
joints seem more painful and now even at normal times it is more
of a struggle to get upstairs. Its quite a performance and when
in severe pain it is a considerable detriment as I have to cover
the settee with sheets and the hot water bottle for my head with
fresh towels because of anxieties about contamination. However
sometimes after this activity the headaches may ease and than
there may be doubts that it is probably not migraine after all
and taking my medication would not help a tension headache and
than I have to wait sometimes in considerable pain until I am
certain I have migraine. Usually these night-times episodes are
migraine and in another hour or so I take my medication or they
develop into migraine later in the morning. Sometimes not
knowing which pain is which can adds to this unrelenting misery
and mostly I have to wait until the pain is severe before I can
feel certain I have migraine. Fortunately this particular
morning this was a tension headache which slowly lifted after a
few hours.
What with one thing and
another I feel a complete physical and mental wreak. I am to see
my GP in a day or so for a routine matter and will mention these
continuing aches and pains which are really becoming so much
worse over all of late that it is really significantly adding to
my misery and making me less inclined to do much of anything.
Just sitting here typing makes my whole body ache even more, yet
on one occasion last week the aches eased somewhat whilst
working on my computer. Also sometimes the aches are eased by a
short walk whilst at others times I feel much worse. Today we
where in the Yorkshire dales, I like to at least go for a short
walk despite my anxieties about unleashed and out of control
dogs which in the area we walked there should not have been any
as every field was filled with the most adorable tiny lambs and
their mothers, photos of which you can see on my new website and
also three videos. Here in the dales I really think that dogs
should be on a leash, people trust their dogs far to easily and
many sheep are killed or severely injured by loosed dogs. There
are many more suitable areas for dog walking
I digress here but have to
promote my website now and again has as of yet I have no links
to it from elsewhere and wonder who if anyone will actually find
it. Please click this link which will take you to photographs of
some of the cute little lambs and their mums that we took during
the above walk:
Spring-Lambs-2009-Swaledale-lambs
Also do check out pages one
and two for more spring lambs including the sheep and lambs
mentioned in an earlier entry.
Also the first three videos
you see on this page where taken on today's walk:
Spring Lambs Videos
Again there are also videos
of the lambs and their mothers taken on Fridays trip to Cumbria.
No we do not go out so
frequently quite so regularly but after such a long and cold
winter we are trying to make the most of what pleasant respites
we have weather wise, although today's trip was not as sunny
being rather dull windy and over caste, but still mild for the
time of year.
Back to my aches and pains,
the walk appeared not to make matters worse even though it was a
walk somewhat more arduous than usual, with the necessity to
struggle over styles or squeeze through gaps which where so
narrow i wondered if anyone even with a normal body weight could
actually get through let alone myself who is a little
overweight. It was a pleasant walk despite my anxieties and
there are always anxieties that after walking some distance a
headache or migraine will present and on the return journey I
did feel some twinges of a headache. However it was not until we
had sat down in the car to read and watch the view that my aches
and pains began to get increasing worse. I have noticed lately
that the condition seems to get considerably worse for at least
a day or two each week now in addition to an increase in
intensity upon waking
This is one of the reasons
other than my involvement in my new website that I have not made
so many entries here. Well I will have to leave it there as my
neck and shoulders are aching already and my right hand has that
horrid numb tingling feeling, which may or may not be repetitive
strain injury or... well who knows. These mysterious conditions
may not be considered serious but they are sure debilitating and
in addition to OCD make my life very difficult.
April 9th
Today I saw my GP who has
referred me to a physiotherapist for my continuing aches and
pains. She had suggested some kind of group fitness
participation but she realised that I really could not cope with
the social side of things and I am grateful that she understood
my difficulties in this respect as many people do not. The
socialising would have done nothing more than increase my
anxieties, and if the doctor's diagnosis concerning the nature
of my condition is correct, such anxieties would increases my
aches and pains. She suggested swimming and I can well imagine
that movement in the water would at least give some temporary
relief. I did feel as though I was probably an awkward patient
but I had to tell her that my OCD would prevent me from sharing
a pool with other people, particualry strangers and besides I
can't swim. The idea of regular exercising was suggested, but
nothing specific, apparently as one gets older muscles become
heavy if they are not exercised. I have been trying to go for a
regular stroll each day but as I am anxious about leaving the
house alone I have to depend on my husband, he is willing to go
but at times the day slips by and I get weary and where we live
although rural its difficult for me to go into the woods and
fields nearby because of so many unleashed dogs, some of whom
are over boisterous and friendly which would be so much
appreciated if only I did not have OCD.
I am anxious about seeing a
physiotherapist and dread appointments and will feel as I am
resident at the surgery as also soon I have to have my ears
syringed again. There is also the possibility of a routine test
and the dentist is due this month. Oh its all just so stressful.
I was anxious for days prior to seeing my GP due to the scoial
anxiety, the sensory overload which seems to be getting worse as
I feel increasingly overwhelmed in public places with all the
noise and confusion. I really felt I did nothing but whine
during my entire visit with the doctor and I am obsessing about
this considerably going over and over and over the events of the
appointment. I do feel ashamed at times with all my complaining
but my life is very difficult, OCD is hard enough and a huge
detriment to a normal life but chronic pain adds to the misery
and shadows ones life, darkening events already blighted by OCD
and depression.
April 11th.
I am still having to load
several entries at one time which is the case to day as the
above entries for April have been waiting in the wings so to
speak, being checked over and over. I did try to publish entries
each time they were written and for a while was able to add one
or two on the day they were created but I simply cannot cope
with doing it this way, so for the time being sadly I continue
to upload entries in batches, which is not really in keeping
with the idea of a blog. So for now to quote the title of a
popular film about a man with OCD: This is as good as it gets.
At least for now.
April 24th
There is petition I would
appreciate you signing if you feel you are able and also a
campaign in which I would like you to please participate. But
please do not feel guilty if you cannot do so as it is not easy
for some people with OCD or indeed any mental health condition
to participate in such activities and there have and continue to
be times when I cannot do so.
The first a is petition on
behalf of the Humane Society and supported by Paul McCartney
concerning Canada's seal hunt :
"We are closer than ever
to stopping cruel commercial seal hunts, including Canada's
annual slaughter of harp seals. But we need your help!
The European Union is considering a ban on trade in seal
products. We need every EU citizen to let decision-makers know
that they support a complete and unconditional ban!
That's why I'm issuing this challenge to you"
This link gives you more information and a video and a link for
you to add your name to the petition.
Ban the Cruel Seal Trade | BanSealTrade.eu | Home
In addtion to the petition
there are other actions you can take.
Even if you do not belong to the EU I would think you can still
sign this petition and take any of the other actions.
The second is a campaign by the Free Tibet society concerning
the execution of Tibetans
"China passes down death sentences to Tibetans
On 8 April 2009, four Tibetans were sentenced to death for their
alleged role in starting fatal fires in Lhasa during the
protests which swept across Tibet in March 2008.
Two of them, Lobsang Gyaltsen and Loyak, could be executed
within weeks. Tenzin Phuntsog and Gangtsu were sentenced to
death with a two year reprieve, while a fifth Tibetan man, Dawa
Sangpo, was sentenced to life imprisonment.
Free Tibet condemns these death sentences and believes that the
evidence used in these trials is questionable and the
convictions are therefore unsafe. Free Tibet opposes the use of
death penalties in all circumstances."
For more details and action you may take:
Stop the executions | Free Tibet
You will need to scroll down for action you can take
or you can click this link
Stop the Executions! | Free Tibet take action
Please do not feel under
pressure to take any of these actions, but if you can please do
so.
As those of you know who
have visited my blog, I am a supporter of social injustice and
in particular Animal rights and the situation in Tibet.
April 25th
I know I have not been
adding entries lately so it now seems a little odd to tell you
that I will not be on-line for at least a week and who knows
maybe longer. I am at present having problems with my computer,
not able to run the defragmenter or the check disk. According to
my understanding this is the result of corruption of the
registry, which is not an easy problem to fix. I am hoping that
the down loading of a registry fix programme will help but I am
not holding my breathe and quite expect to have to take it in
for repairs. The problems is that all of this is time consuming
as I need to make sure that all my photos are backed up, our
three websites and all the other files and folders in the event
of a total crash or the need to reformat, a task I have not done
on this computer.
All of this is exhausting,
frustrating and time consuming. Why am I telling you this.
The reason is that whilst
so engaged in his task I will not be responding to e-mail. I
will not even be opening my e-mal box as if I do so I will feel
the need to respond and will obsesses about this and make my
life misery. So the best thing for me is simply not to open my
e-mail box until this task is complete.
Please feel free to
continue to write but be aware than it will be over a week or
more before I can respond.
Apologies for any
inconvenience but this task has to be done otherwise the
problems simply worse.
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Disclaimer
No responsibility is accepted for the content of external links
including blogs:
Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the
recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have
selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the
comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect
my own opinions.
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Contact
I will endeavour to reply to all e-mail, however please bear in mind
that I have a number of quite debilitating illnesses and there may be times when
there will be considerable delay. Also I will not
publish anyone's comments, as appears to be the procedure with
blogs, without permission of the author : If you would like me to publish your
comments please indicate clearly at the end of your e-mail.
All comments are welcome including polite constructive
criticism and difference of opinion. However I reserve the right not to
publish anything that I consider would be offensive or in any way of
detriment to anyone particularly those who sufferer with the illnesses
included on this web site.
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