The on-line journal/blog of a sufferer of obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD.

If writing did not exist, what terrible depressions we should suffer from.
Sei Shnagon c. 966 – 1013

April 2007

Links to recommended blogs:

Gristmill: The environmental news blog |

This blog is part of Grist Magazine's website, a magazine dedicated to environmental issues.

Positive Attitude Quotes, Free Happy Positive Loving Messages, Popular Motivativational sayings.

A good selection of interesting quotations

April 8th

Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds
Franklin D. Roosevelt

It is Easter Sunday another glorious warm and sunny day most unusual for the time of year and no doubt we will hear a lot about global warming if this turns out to be a warm spring and a hot summer. Yes of course global warming is a serious issue about which we should be concerned but right now it is pleasant and warm, not overwhelming hot but just right. Spring is my favourite time of year. The seemingly miraculous re-emergence of life transforms even the most dreary of cities and towns, daffodils and other spring flowers are everywhere, birds are singing, there is a nest, a family of birds in our roof which wake my son early each morning, and the days are getting longer.

Sorry to spoil all the positives here as I can’t resist adding: So why am I so depressed? Depression as I have said before has a number of causes; some are the result of circumstances, or the result of our thoughts and some kinds of depression arise from chemical imbalances in the brain. Today is probably for me a mixture of all three. I do suffer with dysthemia a chronic kind of prevailing depression varying from mild to moderate but I also have times when my depression is much deeper the type of depression that comes upon you rather like an illnesses and comes at anytime but mostly after sleep. This last type of depression is harder to mitigate or improve by activity or finding some more positive or pleasurable focus. Yesterday’s bright sunny weather did little to alleviate this awful depression but a walk during the afternoon round the city did help somewhat to diminish the awful clutch of depression that tightens your chest weighing you down. It is amazing is it not how the sun transforms your environment . I am struggling here to say something positive but the truth of he matter is that yesterday I was profoundly depressed. It was a struggle to get out and I only did so for the sake of the others and also because I knew that if I where to sit at home I would become even more depressed. Rather like the book entitled Feel the Fear and do it Anyway, in this instance I had to feel the depression and somehow drag my sorry self out. But it is not only depression of course, fear and anxiety do play a major role, fear of confronting OCD problems such as loose dogs and yes there was an incident down by the river and for this reason I cannot completely relax. The bells of the cathedral rang for the Easter service, the wind was a gentle breeze swaying the daffodils in graceful motion along the river bank, but I was anxious and although it did lighten my mood somewhat, overall yesterday was battle with depression, Trying to select clothes that are OCD clean and not irritating is a huge obstacle to going out and there are less and less garments in my wardrobe that I am able to wear for one reason or the other. My depression deepens by the evening and I remained on the settee moping as my son describes these moods. Yes he knows I am depressed and makes attempts to get me motivated to do something such as read or draw. But during such times I feel so filled with misery that any motivation or sheer bloody determination, which at times is an apt way to describe how I manage to do anything, was impossible.

April 7th

I wake this morning with a really dreadful headache after a restless dream filled night. Vivid and sometimes disturbing dreams haunt me recently most nights and last night I had a panic attack in my dream and woke with high anxiety. Sleeping can be exhausting and I wake more weary than when I went to bed. I have worries gnawing away right now, more of the nature of general anxiety but sometimes it is difficult to set boundaries here and perhaps scenarios of the possibility of dire circumstances occurring are more of an OCD than a GAD thing. But semantics aside whatever the nature of the beast it is a persistent and greedy animal and one that is so destructive and I cannot in such circumstances be anything other than depressed.  Depression makes my OCD worse as does anxiety. My depression is unlikely to improve with the frequency of my migraine and chronic headaches, the one I have now is most severe and it is most likely a tension headache these two maladies on their own are enough to make even the most positive person depressed, now add aches, pains and all the other symptoms of which I suffer, I would have to be a saint to bear them without becoming depressed.

This headache will go on and on for hours. I am always tempted to take my migraine medication but until I am sure which type of headache I must refrain from doing this. I will know when it is migraine and I must therefore wait, besides the fact that my medication is only effective for migraine I do not wish to take it unnecessarily in case it stops being effective. But the temptation is there. It is not easy and that is putting it mildly to have to endure this misery everyday, even if I do not have a migraine or severe tension headache there is always the fear that I may at time get one or the other or both, any twinge of pain sends me into panic. I do have a lot to put up with and right now I am feeling so overwhelmed so much so I forgot to respond to an e-mail I have had for a long time. The thought suddenly popped into my head, I felt dreadful, so guilty and moreover I feel anxious as such would at one time never have happened. I am ill I know and I have mentioned on my website that there would be delays in responding at times nonetheless I still feel guilty because I forgot but the forgetfulness is borne of anxiety and I guess I am getting older.

There are so many things wrong with me and most is put down to anxiety but this is too vague . Only my OCD, depression, migraine, tension headaches, and IBS have been diagnosed. It took six years to get my OCD clearly diagnosed, and it was not formally diagnosed until I went into a psychiatric hospital in the early eighties. The other strange fibromyalgia like symptoms and my social interaction problems and other AS type symptoms remain at this point undiagnosed. And this causes me anxiety. I like to have labels, I like everything in my life categorised, precise, unambiguous. I have to say that I can’t understand the reluctance of mental health professionals to be cautious about, giving people labels as in a diagnosis, many mental health professionals not only here in the UK but elsewhere are hesitant to give a precise diagnosis. Why I cannot imagine as most people like to have a name to describe the misery of their existence and with regard to Aspergers, Social phobia or personality disorder, someone who feels as though he or she cannot socialise in any way shape or form wants a label to explain this. It simply makes one feel better and accepted at least in some portion of society. Moreover sufferers may need contact with others who are in a similar position. And plain and simply for my peace of mind I need to know one way or another. Many older people are getting a diagnosis why is it I never can. After all in comparison to many medical procedures an assessment for AS is neither that expensive nor time consuming. Sometimes I think it has to do with my age and perhaps my lack of assertiveness.


April 10th

Is there any shame in not being able to spell? Of course not, there is no shame in the fact that I cannot plaster the wall or strip down a car engine or speak Japanese so why do I feel so upset about my inability to spell, why do I feel so embarrassed that for the last two and a half years there are 911 instances of the misspelling of the word clothes, which I have spelt without the e as cloths. I knew that this was the way cloths as in dish cloths was spelt but never thought much about it after all there are many odd idiosyncratic spellings and the use of the same word to mean different things in the English language is not unusual. The word “read” for instance is spelt the same when it is used in both the present and past tense. For example “There are many books which I would like to read but do not have the time” is spelt exactly the same as when it is used in this context : I have read many books during this last winter. Another odd idiosyncrasy is the use of the same word in plurals: sheep, deer and so on. Whether plural or singular, sheep and deer for the most part you know if it is plural by the context. Bear is yet another example, the same word is used to describe the animal such as a polar bear but it is spelt just the same when it is used to mean to tolerate, to put up with, such as I can’t bear the pain any longer. Confusing of course to people whose first language is not English but I guess second nature to the rest of us. Now for some reason I thought the spelling of clothes meaning garments was cloths with out the e which of course is the same spelling as cloths such as in dish cloths. In fact I probably never thought about this one way or another and for years have been spelling the word clothes without the e. Why I don't know but anyway when you are not good at spelling such logic seems not to occur furthermore it seems odd that one can read and have a good vocabulary but when it comes to spelling this is either very poor, atrocious, yes I cant spell atrocious without the word processor.
 

I must have after all read the word clothes but somehow failed to remember the e. None of what I write on this website would be possible without the aid of the spell checker. There are a few disasters but this was is an obvious one. Often it is the simple little words that present the most problems for bad spellers such as myself and it is these words that cause some confusion. My son noticed this when he checked some writings of mine recently. Yes I know I should not get others to check my writing but if it is too be given to someone that I know in real time so to speak I tend to be more anxious about spellings errors and my son noticed this and I than checked my website I was shocked to see all those errors. Yes I am obsessing I know. However I am more upset by the fact that not one person in all of the last two and a half years could not just write me an e-mail and point this out. Perhaps it a case of not wanting to hurt my feelings but I assure you that pointing out spelling errors will be appreciated. Perhaps it just simply a case of the somebody else will do it phenomenon of expecting that some one else will do this or that, rather like the gas leak I reported into the city centre, a leak that everyone could smell yet no one reported no doubt thinking that someone else would do so. Or perhaps no one noticed, it is said that most people seeing small errors do not notice them because the brain sees the correct version, in this case the correct spelling rather than the incorrect one. However on Saturday I noticed a whole page was missing I think this page had been missing since I redesigned it with new formatting over a year ago, yet not one person e-mailed to tell me this page which was in the self help section was missing. I know I am a perfectionist and like things just right but a whole page missing for a year and 911 spelling mistakes all of the same word is something that is upsetting or perhaps rather embarrassing. Small consideration perhaps compared to my headaches but small things add up to big things. Drips from your tap into a sink with the plug in and soon the sink is full and overflows; small things add up to big things and when you are as stressed as I am small annoyances to others become huge. Please if your see errors which are significant and consistent please just send me an e-mail saying so I will appreciate this. Now I have to trawl through 911 errors on 39 pages to correct them and this includes my memoir the PDF version will be the
most difficult as this cannot be altered complicated and not worth a long rambling explanation

April 12th

Spring as I have said before is my favourite time of the year and right now there is an amazing proliferation of dandelions along the grass verges and on the grass covered roundabout, intermingled with patches of daffodils that our neighbours have planted, it is a dazzling array of brilliant yellow amidst the green slender of a new growth of grass. Dandelions as all keen gardeners know are weeds but what is a weed, it is merely a wild uncultivated plant that is not wanted. However to me it is a glorious array of colour on this wonderfully sunny day in early April and each year we have this treat. And it brings some pleasure in the midst of even my deepest times of depression. This morning when I stepped outside to get into the car despite my gnawing depression, a depression that was particualry prominent I could still feel a sense of pleasure and appreciation for the beauty of nature at least this aspect.

When we first came to live here I remarked how pretty the verges looked to which my neighbour gave me the oddest look of distain. Such things in life are though a matter of perspective; she sees these plants as a pest when the flowers turn to the windborne seed carrying dandelion clocks the seeds are spread to every garden in the neighbourhood and once dandelions take root it is difficult to get rid of the root which runs deep into the ground, and yes if unchallenged they will take over you garden therefore these attractive flowers are often the cause of much complaining by many gardeners in the village. It can seem that for every positives there is indeed a negative but the beauty of these plants outweighs what I would call a minor inconvenience, after all it is an inconvenience borne entirely from an unnatural perspective as people try and control their environment such as their gardens.

Many worries and concerns in life are due to a negative perspectives. The sunshine on a bright day is now according to an acquaintance brighter and this is due to some dire consequence of global warming - at least according to his theory. My son seems to have the notion that the state of affairs concerning the escalation of dire consequences of global worming are more imminent than we are lead to believe. I enjoy the snow we have had hardly any this year but when we do people will make me feel like an idiot or make me feel guilty because of all the disruption it causes as if it is my fault and I now do not feel that tinge of childish excitement anymore when it snows. My next door neighbour in the south east would get very cross at people who would invariably say whenever the weather was nice that we would pay for it later on with a hard winter. It is difficult enough having OCD without so much negativity from others. In general people's mind states these days appear to me to be very negative you are constantly being told that this or that is not good for you, you are too fat, too thin, this or that food is unhealthy, too much sleep is bad for you, too little sleep is also bad for you, exercise is good but not too much. I am not saying that this is deliberate but we who are over sensitive can find that the little pleasure we do have can so easily be eroded away by the negative input of others which is mostly ignored by the normal person but can so easily have a deep negative effect on people such as ourselves. So I will enjoy the magnificent array of flowers and try to ignore all the negative comments of what really is a comparatively minor negative downside.

April 14th
 

I have just taken medication for the third migraine in three days, that's one each consecutive day. The previous one was yesterday afternoon at around 5PM. Today's migraine began during the night and I was struggling with it until 9am before taking more medication. I am very depressed and feel hopeless in despair for one reason or another. There are so many things that I would wish to include this month and they have either been deleted or set aside because of OCD ruminations and anxieties concerning the content. This may seem insignificant to many but it is a huge problem for me, it is frustrating after sending hours on a piece of writing to find that publishing it is thwarted by OCD. Just now I feel so overwhelmed. I felt  I could not delay posting any longer so posted only entries that are less anxiety provoking. if I cannot overcome this type of OCD my blog will not reflect my life, which is so so  difficult. The weather is warm, the sun is shinning, you know every times now for years when the summer has been good, and this is rare here in the UK, I have been ill.  When the headaches and migraine first became more frequent and severe it was one of the hottest summers on record and now my headaches and migraine are becoming frightening much worse again it looks as though it is going to be another long hot summer except, now it is really spring sot he onset of such weather condtions is extremely premature.

It is not easy to live your life on the periphery of existence and watch others get on with their lives while you feel like an observer. Right now the frustration of all my illnesses and the inability to get them sorted out or even diagnosed one way or another as for instance Aspergers syndrome is frustrating and adding to the misery of my life. Soon I will post here in depth why I think I may have Aspergers and why it is important to know one way or another if my assumptions are correct or otherwise and try to find someone who has an understanding of this condtion to give me their opinion, if indeed I can find anyone willing to take the time to read this rather lengthy account and give me their point of view.

Sometimes I consider If you cannot function in today's society you have no place. The government would rather you died off out of the way particualry as you get older. There is a place in society for everyone but some of us need a little help and support and this is seriously lacking in our self centred society where it is everyman for his self and there is no time to offer support for another. My son for example has this marvellous talent which he is too depressed to utilise his Aspergers also makes it difficult for him, anyone who cannot function in the normal and accepted way socially is always at an disadvantage and he and others like him need help, support and understanding and acceptance concerning this disability and other detrimental aspects of this disorder, the disorders on this website and mental health problems in general. We are all part of the whole, our society functions only by co operation but some of us due to illnesses are left to struggle with incapacitating disability and profound hopelessness often too ill to know where or how to get the little help that is available . Many people with Aspergers such as my son are profoundly depressed.

If you feel so inclined you might like to take  a moment to sign a petition which will be sent the primeminister requesting an improvement of services for People with Aspergers syndrome and other autism spectrum disorders.

Petition to: increase support services in the UK for people with Asperger’s

I will leave it there really I am too depressed today to say anything even my usual ramblings which once gave some relief but which now are slowly being eroded by OCD. There is a reason that OCD is in the top ten of the WHO 's most incapacitating illnesses and that is because it takes your whole life, your whole existence, your sense of self - who you are you beneath all that OCD stuff? In the end it takes your health. And when it is compounded by the presence of other disorders such as social anxiety and social interaction difficulties it is a hugely incapacity disability which because no one can see how disabled you are you get little help or sympathy. Sympathy! I cannot recall the last time I got any sympathy concerning my difficult life . Yes perhaps I am full of self pity but it is sadly the only pity I get. How many people could cope with OCD, Migraine, chronic dally headaches since 1991, IBS, aches and pains depression, strange stroke like symptoms, sleep disturbances including waking up unable to breathe or choking and AS and recently vivid frequent dreams which leave me waking even more exhausted that before.  Yes I am now going to say I have AS until it is proven otherwise it is not conclusive there are some symptoms I do not have but the possibilty is nonetheless likely.

There are new pages for this month please visit them. In the autumn I hope to revamp John's photo pages and add new ones, because of a limited amount of space on the host server I will have to remove some of the older ones . So if you wish to save any of these for your personal use please do so as soon as possible.

Now for all of us able to do so try and get outside and enjoy this glorious weather, if it is due to global warming you might as well enjoy it while you can. Just sitting in your garden or yard, a local park or even in front of your open window on a day such as today will improve your mood to some degree.

April 15th

Today I finally post my new entries I was as just too depressed yesterday to do so, not that I am a lot happier today. I am scared to death should another migraine turn up. I woke this morning with another bad headache and I am very frightened indeed.

A thick mist swathes the villages again, it will be another hot bright and sunny day Yes it does rather remind me of an environmental disaster movie, it is eerie I have never seen anything quite like it so early in the season. On Saturday night a fog enveloped the village and surrounding area. We had a very hot summer when I was pregnant with my son but it did not begin until late May. I cannot recall weather consistently as warm as this ever, particualry after a very mild winter. Yes the sunny days are a mood booster despite the negative connotations, there are many people who consider global warming a plus rather than a negative but they cannot see the big picture I guess. I can find it rather a pressure sometimes though to go out when perhaps I would not normally do so because I am ill the sun is very bright and with a headace it can be difficult and I am feeling rather guilty and a burden to my family as on Friday we return home early because of my migraine.

Well no more rambling I must upload my long overdue updates before I return to more checking, this the final entry is usually the only one that is not repeatedly checked more than two or three times. 

As those of you who regularly visits my website know I love quotations here are just a few to inspire you

Remember, happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely upon what you think.
Dale Carnegie

Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action.
Walter Anderson

There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them. Andre Gide

Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you light a lamp for somebody,
it will also brighten your path.
Buddhist Saying

April 17th

Today I had an appointment for a routine health check that we women must endure from time to time. Although I do not care for such procedures today the greatest anxiety centres around whether or not I will have a headache or migraine and will need as a consequence to cancel the appointment. This is particularly so as recently my migraine has increased in frequency. During the last four days I have had a migraine, one each of these days consecutively which is very frightening. Yesterday was the first whole day without a migraine for four days and today I am really on tenterhooks should I get another. This morning I woke with a headache, I was so anxious should it escalate and become migraine, I worried I would have to cancel that appointment. In all my life I have cancelled two or three appointments at the last minute. If that is not bad enough there is so much anxiety and preparation because of my OCD that I dread these appointments. Further anxiety is caused by the need to fuss over my cloths in the way I have explained in previous entries, for you see whenever I have an appointment at the surgery my cloths have to be extra clean . This morning I had intended to not shower until it was nearer the time to go for my appointment because if I showered earlier I would have to shower again just before leaving. But because of the headache and anxiety and worries about getting there on time and all the indecision and worry about my headache I showered earlier and this than resulted in a second shower as predicted just before leaving the house to arrive at my appointment by 9.45. You cannot really envision or understand the anxieties or the reasoning behind the changes of cloths, worry about towels, having a fresh towel each time I showered unless of course you suffer with OCD, and maybe not even than as OCD presents differently in each individual and your OCD might focus on other issues and you many therefore not relate to this type of problem. However for all OCD sufferers our lives' are a nightmare of exhausting obsessions, compulsions and ruminations, ruminations are sometimes worse as there are no accompanying compulsions to mitigate them for a while. But giving in to ones obsessive fears by carrying out the compulsions in any case only provides temporary relief, for you than become increasing more pestered by intrusive thoughts compelling you to carry out pointless life consuming compulsions, and do not forget that compulsions are not just visible and overt, such as hand washing because of the fear of contamination, but also mental compulsions intrude such as thinking a thought to cancel out another thought, for instance I have the notion, resulting of course from my OCD, that making a positive statement might tempt fate, karma whatever, my OCD mind takes the expression "tempting fate" literally. My OCD has latched onto this idea and turned it into a compulsion. So whenever I make a positive statement I have to mitigate it by making a negative one or touching wood, the latter of course is a fairly common superstitious behaviour that every one carries out from time to time but like everything else OCD goes beyond what is normal and makes it a huge problem and turns it into a proper OCD compulsion. The touching wood compulsion was indeed once a huge problem and I carried a small piece of wood everywhere, usually a wooden cloths peg and I would sleep clutching this also. Every time I thought or said something positive I would touch this peg, after a time I held this peg all the time. Now however mostly I cancel out positive statements or thoughts by replacing or mitigating them with a negative thought, the frightening thing is that it is so common place now that I often overlook the fact that this is an OCD compulsion.

To reiterate, I have the fear that if I say something positive the opposite and negative outcome will occur this also applies to having a positive thought so I have to carry out a compulsion to migrate such a thought by including a negative one to cancel it out. For instance if someone says how are you today do you have a headache? I cannot reply no I do not have a headache I feel much better now, but would have to say something like this: I do not have headache right now but I will most likely get one later. If I did not do this I would be anxious that I would get a headache. This may not seem a big deal but it is a severe detriment: This is one of the reasons that I cannot apply positive self talk to help me gain a more normal perspective on OCD. For instance I cannot say that the thoughts which haunt me are unlikely to happen because I feel that by saying that so and so is unlikely might actually bring about this unlikely occurrence. Here I cannot give you an example because if I write this down my OCD will tell me this is tempting fate and I will become anxious.

OCD is a very complex disorder and after the passing of so many years, as in my case, if left untreated or inadequately treated it becomes extremely complicated and interwoven, the different OCD types becoming entwined enmeshed together. For example in the following problem with selecting cloths there are often several types of OCD involved, or in my case other co morbid disorders may become entwined in the complex OCD mix. Cloths present at least two OCD problems fears of contamination, superstitious fears or rituals - sometimes superstitious compulsions are carried out as a way of making a positive out come repeat itself for instance wearing a certain garment because last time I wore it circumstances went well - and sensitivity issues which I strongly believe may be the result of Asperger syndrome AS.

Because of all the problems with cloths which also include sensitivities my wardrobe is very limited selecting cloths is a nightmare. I reach in to select a garment and the thought comes that it is not clean it has been next to another garment that is contaminated ( this happens if I try to make an effort to be normal and have put away a garment which is contaminated or I have worn previously) or it has fallen on the floor of the wardrobe or it is uncomfortable, irritating itchy . Lately my sensitivity issues have increased quite dramatically and there seem little now that I can wear for one reason or another. I had recently bought two new blouses which seemed okay in the shop although it has to be said that my husband was hassling me to buy them, so I felt pressured, they were cheap, they looked nice and at the time when I felt them with my hand they seemed fine not as soft as I would have liked but okay. But my hands are less sensitive than the rest of my body, whether or not this is normal with all of us or it has something to do with the way my hands have been repeatedly washed over the many years that I have been tormented by this particular OCD compulsion. However after trying them on at home, I cannot try on cloths in shops because of fears that I will contaminate them and have to buy them anyway so there is no point in doing so, both of these garments feel itchy .I feel as though I cannot remove them quickly enough, the collars are stiff and both feel like a straight jacket, not that I have been in a strait jacket of course  - well not yet at any rate sometimes I think that I am heading that way :-) Furthermore Many of my cloths are splattered with paint due to carelessness and apathy when painting, yes even my night cloths have paint on them if I paint in the evenings I forget to cover my cloths . Because of the aforementioned difficulties I cannot stand my day cloths, in the evenings I change as soon as possible. So selecting cloths is a nigtmare.

Before going to the surgery I changed my cloths twice washed my hands over and over . Today was to turn out to be a very difficult day and it was a day when I would change my cloths five times in all and shower three times. I lost count of the number of times I washed my hands.

April 18th

Today it was like paradise, in the countryside the proliferation of flowers is breathtaking. Even though I have quite a significant headache and I am beset by my usual anxieties and despondency I could not fail to notice this splendid array of nature when here in the UK both spring and summer appear to have arrived at the same time! The grass verges are cluttered with a dazzling array of dandelions, primroses and daisies. The fields normally a patchwork of browns and greens are interspersed with the bright yellow flowers of rape seed oil blowing gently in the warm early morning breeze, the sky is brilliant blue and hawthorn is everywhere . This plant the, vernacular for which is the May-tree, has blossomed this year in April, the earliest blooms reported on the 9th. Hawthorn culturally and historically signifies the beginning of summer, last year the hawthorn did not flower until well into May. Hawthorn signifies the commencement of summer in the traditions of folk law and mysticism. One ancient custom was to tie pieces of rag round the branches of Hawthorn trees on May Day as gifts to the fairies; May day prior to the eighteenth century was celebrated in mid May, because the May blossom rarely appears before this time, rather than May 1st as it is nowadays. There have also been sightings of swifts, migratory birds which normally do not return until mid May when temperatures are milder. It looks like summer has arrived earlier and yes I guess these are signs of global warming however I have no idea how this compares to other countries. But whatever the reasons it was a magnificent sight so many flowers of course all arriving at the one time. Portents of doom, or just a freak occurrence the present situation is food for the soul, except for perhaps the severely depressed or for those with sadness for it has to be considered that when one is proudly effected by illness or other tragic circumstance such can deepen ones sorrow.

But no rambling depressing entries today. If you can get out an appreciate this it will uplift all but the severely depressed. Yesterday my husband and I took the following photographs which we would like to share with you, more will appear in john’s pages in due course.

The photographs below have been sized suitable for desktop wallpaper

Rape seed oil flowers 800x600 1024x768	Hawthorn is everywhere in the hedgerows in the Yorkshire Dales 800x600 1024x768
800x600   1024x768	800x600 1024x768

 

April 20th

What a contrast the weather is today, there is most certainly no talk of global warming or anxious cautions about melanoma and wearing sun block. Yes we get this here in the UK every time  the sun shines in the summer, important information and advice that should be heeded I know but it can get depressing and increase ones anxiety particualry we are all three of us so fair skinned and resemble lobsters even after minimum exposure to the sun. Today it is as though we have plunged right back into winter. The sky is dull, overcast, it is so dreary. It would depress even the most cheery of people and I am sadly not one of those. We had planned today to visit the ruined abbey at Mount Grace Priory in the North York moors.  I was not keen at all but as I have explained before, for our respective reasons none of us seem able to change plans and what is decided seem as It where to be written in stone. I am not sure if to give you an explanation I have explained this problem before in other circumstance when we have been going out despite indications that it is not desirable to do so, for instance if I have a significant headace. I try to avoid repetition but worry when visitors come to my blog randomly, as in deed I do when I visit other people's blogs, and just browse haphazardly reading whatever attracts their attention. The only problem is that if you do this it is not always easy to comprehend posts referring to previous entries. I could link to the previous entries but rather feel that this could get out of hand and be taken over by OCD doubts and every entry might therefore finish up splattered with endless blue underlined links to references in previous entries. So I will bore you all again with the reasons why it is difficult for us to change plans. Basically people with autism do not like change, a change of plans can be anxiety provoking and upsetting in a way difficult to describe. My son has Aspergers syndrome (formally diagnosed), my husband I also believe to be on the autism spectrum and I suspect that I have Asperger syndrome also. I guess regular readers of my blog are probably tied of hearing this and it my appear to them that this is becoming an obsession. However this is not the case, but I am digressing here. Also for me there are problems with my OCD obsession about changing plans, which has been explained also before on many occasions, should there be dire consequences resulting from such a change. 

So here we are on this really dreadfully depressing day making our way to the North York moors which despite its rather grim associations with a particualry heinous crime  against children in the sixties it is a place of natural beauty, it is a national park and on a lovely sunny day it is a delightful place to visit. And even when snow is laying it has a beauty all of its own despite the fact that every time the Yorkshire moors are mentioned I think about the crime mentioned above and see the face of Myra Hindley despite the fact that I was only a child when this dreadful crime took place, but most people here in the UK are familiar with this tragedy and most likely have similar thoughts. Sometimes we have to remember that other people too have gloomy depressing thoughts particualry nowadays as there is so much more crime than there once was, as is the case this week with the tragic events in America. 

No this is not going to be a depressing ramble the most complaining I will do today is about the weather, how cold it was, how disappointing it was, as of course your enjoyment is marred as it felt colder than it has done all winter.

Mount grace priory is fascinating place, such ruins are atmospheric and have an historical interest. As I have said before I find medieval monastic life interesting. Mount grace is a 14th century ruined priory where Carthusian monks dwelt in hermit-like isolation in self contained units (cells). Most of these four roomed cells, two up two down, including a small garden, have fallen into ruin but one has been reconstructed and it is easy to imagine what life must have been like in times past when this would have been a peaceful haven from the world. However today in the sudden bitter cold I could well imagine that during the winter life would have indeed been very harsh. but today despite the sound of traffic from the A19 there remains some peaceful tranquillity. I did regret coming here today though and wished we had waited for a more suitable time, our visit was short and we did not venture further into the moors. It has to be said that dull dreary days and cold temperatures are for me a recipe for an increase in depression.

Ruins of 14th century Mount Grace Priory

Ruins of monks four roomed cells, where they lived a reclusive existence as hermits,  Here they lived worked and prayed only associating with others at Scheduled  times of the day.

Two of the reconstructed  rooms in monks cells

The herb garden,  each unit (cell ) had its own herb garden

 

I know this has little to do with OCD but perhaps there are times when we should try and cultivate interests, distractions, as I am sure most of us try to do. Several people who have written to me have an interest or hobby of some sort. There may be times in our lives when this is not possible but even during the most difficult days with my OCD I have struggled to at least retain some interest even if I have had to do so by working round my OCD.  We all need distraction, but it has to be said that OCD never leaves me alone and here as elsewhere whenever I try to loose myself in my interests OCD will intrude. But at least at the end of the day we have done something to divert our minds from our difficult lives even if that diversion has been a struggle for us. Religion/ philosophy, particualry eastern regions, is for me an interest despite the fact that it gets mixed up with my OCD My other interests are my activities on the computer, including this website. I like to read although there is a problem with superstitious OCD concerning a certain number which interferes with reading. I like to read science fiction, travel, religion and philosophy. I am interested in eastern religions and culture particualry China and Tibet. I am interested in art and the lives of famous artists. And of course I like to paint although like is perhaps not the right word to describe why I paint. Here I have to admit that my painting can be misery of endurance as OCD does make this very difficult at times and perfectionism is major hindrance here.

I would like to start a new section for my website to include sufferers interests and I would therefore ask you to consider sharing your interests with other sufferers by writing about your hobbies, pastimes and interests, sending photos, if appropriate. Perhaps you are interested in gardening for instance and could write an account about some aspect of your interest.

April 21st

We are in the supermarket, there is a packet of gravy cubes, the packaging of which is slightly split, it is barely noticeable, at least to everyone else maybe but to the overly discerning eye of the OCD sufferer such as myself it is blatantly obvious. Because I picked it up before noticing this I am not sure if I did this even though I very much doubt it. Nonetheless there is doubt so I can’t put it back on the shelf but if it was my fault that this slight damage occurred that would be okay, but I am not sure. If I did not cause this damage and someone else did I would be justified in putting it back although to most people this damage to the packet and not the contents would be of no consequence anyway. Sensible logic untainted by OCD tells me it was probably done whilst packing or shipping or during shelf filling. However the thought comes of a more ominous nature; perhaps the contents have been tampered with deliberately, poisoned. I can’t tell a member of staff as I I know they will think I am crazy. I want to put it back on the shelf but than another thought comes that if I do so than something dire may happen as a consequence of leaving it on the shelf for another unsuspecting customer to pick up. This is a two fold worry, if I put it back on the shelf and the contents have been tampered with the person who buys and uses this may die, also if I put the gravy cubes back on the shelf, in a superstitious way I fear something may happen to my family as a consequence in a kind of karmic comeuppance way or by divine intervention despite the fact that I am agnostic, well you may have read all about that complicated part of my OCD which still rears its ugly head at times such as these, if not you can read about his in my story and memoir.

I stand there for ages just holding this packet not knowing what to do. I cannot afford to just buy it and throw it away although I have done so in the past but our financial situation is now pretty dire so I can’t do this. What to do, the music from the loud speakers thump thump thumps in the background, it is like a disco, chattering people, screaming and laughing children, a cacophony of noise nearly drives me crazy. I swear an oath that someone will die if I do not buy this buy this, again you can read about this strange and distressing compulsion by clicking the above links, in fact I do not actually swear one it is just a thought, barely a thought, an essence of a thought coalescing in my mind the words are never formed but that is enough to make me buy this product. All of this transpires in seconds, the thoughts present in a moment, a blinking of an eye in rapid succession although I do stand there for some time weighing the pros and cons their neurotic context notwithstanding. My husband approaches lost in his own world of preoccupations which in recently months have become profoundly noticeable . I point out the damage asking him to make the decision even though the vague oath more or less decided this. My Mind continues to desperately try and make it right. This is not a conscious thing it is automatic, my mind, the normal aspect is always trying to get round the obstacles presented to it by the more self-destructive abhorrent part of my mind called OCD. My husband is oblivious to my torment. We buy the gravy cubes I decide to use only the ones at the bottom end of the box if in deed I use them at all.

The post has arrived for my son, there is a package, something he has bought from e bay. Right now my son’s perseverations are centred upon China and Mongolia anything remotely from either of these countries is of interest. I have described this before in earlier entries, such tendencies which go beyond that which is considered a normal interest and which are taken to fanatical levels, pursued with intensive focus are referred to in autistic terminology as perseverations. A perseveration is rather like an obsession, but not like the obsessions involved in OCD, rather these obsessions are usually enjoyed but can nevertheless cause problems when of necessity one's attention needs to be turned elsewhere. My son who has Asperger syndrome is always under the thrall of some preservation or another. I guess these do add interest to life, I also have this tendency and this is one of the reasons why I consider the strong possibility that I have also AS. But this is not really the point of this post which is about OCD.
The package contains Chinese bank notes, he has previously bought Mongolian banks notes, these are really cheap on e Bay and are meant for collectors, the Chinese bank notes are old late 1940s. They have been in circulation. I hastate to touch them, I always do anxious about contamination. At one time I could not touch anything from abroad but now with some hesitation I do so if it is new and looks clean, but always there is that thought, particularly if it is paper or clothing. However concerning bank notes and coins there is considerable anxiety. Previously when my son has held them up for me to look at I have not touched them. I do not think that he notices my hesitation but I worry in case he should think I am not interested. The older the coins the more the anxiety I experience but I feel guilt and I am therefore compelled to touch them knowing I will surreptitiously slip downstairs to wash my hands, I will not touch my cloths or any surfaces, door handles or indeed anything until my hands have been washed. I go back upstairs just in time to see him place these notes on one of my books oblivious of course to the fact that such increases my anxiety and accentuates the problem. I become anxious as contamination spreads via this kind of chain reaction: I touch the book, than touch my cloths, the door handles, the banister as I make my way down the stairs and so on and on and if it is not prevented a small OCD contamination issue increases dramatically. This is probably why contamination issues can escalate quickly to very incapacitating proportions. I ignore this for the time being and in fact this time it goes no further, I wipe the book. I will of course each time I use it think of this and it will take a considerable time before I am able to touch this book without thinking it is contaminated. I hate all this so much and just want to be normal, not forever mindful of what I touch or of what I need to avoid. My son knows about my OCD of course but there is much that he does not know and neither he nor my husband are really aware of how much this disorder encroaches into my life. As a person with Asperger syndrome my son has in fact mild OCD and as I have said before people with autism often suffer some from of mild OCD traits as part of the symptoms of autism, it is only when it is severe that a separate diagnosis of OCD is given. However despite the fact that my son has these OCD traits or mild OCD he fails to understand mine or how severe it actually is. We are after all very adept at concealing some of its less obvious manifestations even from our families or fellow OCDers.

Now please do not be offended if you are from another country it is just an OCD thing, mostly concerning my fear of rabies. If you have rabies in your country I am going to be anxious even though I basically know that rabies cannot be contracted this way but logic and OCD do not often agree with one another and logic is easily set aside overwhelmed by the neurotic ravings of OCD. I will be more anxious about products from some countries than from others . Australia I have no problem with as there is no rabies there. I can cope with this much better than once was the case but just sometimes such as today with items that are not new I find it difficult. The thought is of course always there though even if the compulsion to avoid or decontaminate is not carried out.

Those are just two of many scenarios that involved OCD today there were many more and for the most part on one knew of the anxiety or the mental turmoil that exists within the mind of a person with OCD and often some aspects of our OCD is so habitual that we do not stop and observe what is happening unless asked to do so. At other times we can get so depressed and frustrated, angry, hysterical to the pint of screaming and throwing things, crying, deteriorating into apathy . I have experienced all of these. OCD is a misery of frustrating fear inducing complex behaviours and often we can feel so alone with them. Things have improved for people with OCD, newer medication is available but of course as with any medication it is not suitable for everyone . There are new therapies such as CBT if this is available, here in the UK there is a shortage of psychologists and sometimes waiting lists can be as much as two years , But no mistaking despite new methods of treatment OCD is a life consuming disorder, it is a daily battle and one which we often face alone sometimes because we do not share with others our torment or others have problems of their own and are unable to help or they fail to understand the pervasive and destructive nature of OCD. They say that people with autism do not have a theory of mind. Theory of mind is the ability to put your self in the position of another person, to understand what they are going through, to have empathy for their circumstances. It is the ability to recognise that others have thoughts and opinions different from ones own, it is an ability to understand another person's perspective. My opinion is that no one has theory of mind and really understands what it is like to be another person unless you yourself have gone through a similar experience and even than as each experience is in some way unique to each individual, real empathy is not possible and this is particularly so with OCD and other mental health issues and consequently we can feel so alone and isolated. At least now with the internet we can be in contact with one another, share our experience and as a consequence we can feel less alone.

Concerning blogs : Although I have initially looked through the recommended blogs in my blog roll I have not read every single entry and have selected each on its overall merit: interesting regular entries . However the comments and opinions of the respective blog owners do not necessarily reflect my own opinions.

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